By Tim KellyMusic and Lyrics by Bill Francoeur

© Copyright 2015, under the title of “Is There a Doctor in the House? The Musical,” by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

All rights to this musical—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom.

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COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full name of the musical2. The full name of the playwright, the composer, and the lyricist3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado”

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WHAT’S UP DOC?Adapted from Moliére

By TIM KELLYMusic and lyrics by BILL FRANCOEUR

GREASE GULCH CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

HEPZIBAH ...........................mayor’s wife 91TOM SAWYER HUCKLEBERRY FINN JONES, JR .............young bellhop 49WIDOW STOCKADE ..............runs the general store; her 60

husband was pecked to death by a hen

MAYOR CAESAR CANARY ......owns the hotel; something of 83 a tyrant

BLOSSOM...........................Lucy’s friend 54LUCY CANARY .....................mayor’s independent daughter; 33

in love with LesterSHERIFF .............................Lester’s uncle 56LESTER GOODBE .................cowpoke in love with Lucy 61PREACHER ..........................performs funerals; weddings too 27OTIS LACKGINGER ...............town’s only fossil 23DR. PILLPURGE ...................town quack 37SNAG .................................lazy cowboy who becomes “a 72

famous doctor”MARJORIE...........................Snag’s young wife 28MISS STRICT ......................schoolmarm 32ALBERTA .............................pupil with toothache 18CASSANDRA .......................pupil with tummy ache 18TALLULAH ...........................pupil with headache 17DR. ABRACADABRA..............medicine show quack 41PRINCESS FALLING STAR .....his assistant 17GYPSY HAGG ......................recruited quack; not to be trusted 21AMANDA FLIMFLAM .............lawyer from Denver 11OPTIONAL CHORUS .............citizens, pupils n/a

more “elaborate” touch: Dim the stage lights and have the “light” that e i ah rin s on e a antern or hi h o ered ash i ht. It s aced so e distance ehind the sheet. Thus, e see the

ad o eration in si houette.

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SETTING

TI E hen the est as i d.PLACE: The lobby of the Grease Gulch Boardinghouse Hotel and Genera Store.

SET DESCRIPTIONO N RIG T is the entrance to the dinin roo . In front of this

entrance, STAGE a itt e, is a s a ta e ith t o chairs. STAGE RIG T is the entrance fro the street. RIG T on the ac a is the door a to the hote of ce. CENTER is the re istration des or ta e ith a re istration ed er and en. EFT are stairs that ead to the second stor of the hote a fe ste s i suf ce, or the stairs can e e i inated a to ether . STAGE EFT is the entrance to

the enera store. o e er, uch of the erchandise is on dis a in the hote o . There s a counter EFT CENTER. Necessar ite s on the counter inc ude inen na ins, edsheets, and funne s, thou h additiona ite s shou d a so e isi e, such as o ts of c oths, canned

oods, a s, ots and ans, etc. O N EFT, ehind the counter, are she es ith ore erchandise, inc udin a she f ro inent

ar ed Cures and Such, oaded ith astic ott es and tins of i s. In front of the counter there s a stoo . Another stoo is ositioned

at the O NSTAGE end of the counter. O N EFT CENTER is a ac ess ench. Additiona sta e dressin ru s, arre , han in a , ictures, etc., as desired.

an Indian costu e ith, a e, a feathered headdress. AR ORIE needs to ha e an a ron and hat for Scene T o. R. A RACA A RA and R. I RGE ear hite edica s oc s.

ABOUT STAGING FARCEThe rules haven’t changed from Moliére s ti e. E er thin shou d e so e hat o erdone, a ost cartoonish. There ust ne er e a s o or dead s ot. So ethin is a a s ha enin . The dia o ue o es ris and oud . Characters do not enter and e it, the a e an

entrance, the a e an e it.The scri t is ed ith a s, uns, roaners, a surdities. So e o es

i rin a ho others i fa at. This i ar fro erfor ance to erfor ance. The oint is this treat the o es, the ood, the ad, the

indifferent, i e nor a dia o ue. In other ords, don t set u a o e and ait for the au h. Once the o e is out, o e on to the ne t one.

MISCELLANEOUSSPEECHLESS LUCY: The actress portraying Lucy is frequently on

sta e as the focus of attention, ut s eech ess. Actress ust sta in scene, o ser in and reactin . This oes for an actor

ho is in a scene, ut ithout dia o ue. The , too, ust sta in the scene.

EATING SNAG a it for au hs i e a T rest in atch. Snag might even run off the stage and into audience with Lester and Sheriff in ursuit.

I S INTO F NNE The narro end of the funne is oc ed. This a , if enou h i s cand are oured in, the i o er o and et a au h. If ou don t ish to do this usiness, si retend i s are ein oured into the funne .

GE O ER IC S RINGE It s t o di ensiona , ade fro card oard or ood and ainted to oo i e the rea thin ditto for the denta iers . r. i ur e needs t o hands to carr it.

E ICINE S O OTT ES If the are cutouts, ou e i inate the ro e of dro in ott es. Or, the fe ott es can e s a , hich i a so reduce the ris of dro in the .

O ERATION E IN T E SCREEN This s a stic routine as enormously popular in Moliére s ti e of the th centur . Su osed , e are atchin an incredi e o eration here e er thin is ta en out and then ut ac in. The hand and foot can e cutouts, ditto for a heart. It a a s ets a i au h so don t e afraid to add on an ar , a e , a i , a i e e, etc. For a

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SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERSMC1 Is There a Doctor in the House? .........CompanyMC2 Who’s Talkin’ ’Bout Love? ..................Mayor, CitizensMC3 We Belong Together ...........................Hepzibah, Blossom,

Sheriff, Tom, Lucy, Lester,

MC4 Love Is the Best Dang Doctor .............Blossom, TomMC5 Medicine Show Today! .......................Princess, Dr.

Abracadabra, Citizens

MC6 The Professional Way.........................Dr. Pillpurge, Dr. Abracadabra, Snag, Hagg

MC6a Chase Music .....................................InstrumentalMC6b Love Is the Best Dang Doctor nderscore ..................................... InstrumentalMC6c Medicine Show Today!” — Reprise .....CompanyMC6d Exit Music .........................................Instrumental

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGES a ta e ith t o chairs, re istration des ith ed er and en. Store counter ith erchandise inen na ins, sheets, funne , us o tiona o ts of c oth, canned oods, ots and ans, etc. She es

ith ore stoc , inc udin she f ar ed Cures and Such ith s a edicine ott es and tins of i s. T o stoo s, ac ess ench. ar e

card oard tooth in Scene T o. Additiona sta e dressin , as desired such as ru s, crac er or ic e arre , han in a , ictures, etc.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONScene One:

Cards (TOM)and erchief, ass of ater, wooden bucket, funnel, white

medical smock (WIDOW)Bouquet of o ers (LESTER)Book (PREACHER)Two canes, optional ear trumpet (OTIS)Pocket watch, carpet bag or suitcase with machete, stethosco e,

lantern, huge hypodermic syringe (PILLPURGE)Handbag with optional hand bell (MISS STRICT)

Scene Two:Small table with medicine bottles cutouts (ABRACADABRA)Drum, sign reading “Dr. Abracadabra’s Medicine Show”, [plastic]

bottle with label (PRINCESS)Feather duster, bedsheet, wedding veil, flowers (WIDOW)Tray (MARJORIE)Toothache bandana (ALBERTA)Suitcase (LUCY)Medical suitcase with giant pliers and operation body parts

such as fake hand/foot, heart/liver, sausage links (socks) (PILLPURGE)

Lantern (HEPZIBAH)Marriage license (SHERIFF)

COSTUME SUGGESTIONShate er ou d or for a traditiona estern or s here. resses

or on s irts and hite ouses for the fe a es eans, co o oots, and estern shirts for ost of the a es. A OR CANAR ears a ac suit ith a o o tie and s ectac es. S ecia attention shou d

e i en to the G S costu e and to the RINCESS, ho needs

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WHAT’S UP DOC?

PrologueEntire CO AN ENTERS in front of the C RTAIN. MUSIC CUE 1: “Is There a Doctor in the House?”COMPANY: (Sings.) Is there a doctor in the house? Lordy Lord!

I’m a-needin’ me a sawbones… real bad.Is there a doctor in the house, one I kin afford?I’ve conjured up the worst affliction ever had!

WOMEN: (Sing.) I got an ache in my back, a crick in my neck.Sweatin’ head to toe, and my heart’s a-racin’.

MEN: (Sing.) My body’s all a-quiver, startin’ in to shiver.If he don’t come quick, why it’s death I’m facin’!

COMPANY: (Sings.) Is there a doctor in the house? My, oh my!I’m a-needin’ me a sawbones… right quick!Is there a doctor in the house? I could die.I’m burnin’ up with fever, lookin’ mighty sick!

WOMEN: (Sing.)I’m feelin’ dizzy, feelin’ stuffed, sinuses are blocked,Got a poundin’ in my head, and it sounds like thunder.

MEN: (Sing.) Stomach’s talking back, “Lordy, where’s that quack?”If he don’t come quick, I’ll be six feet under!

COMPANY: (Sings.) Is there a doctor in the house? Golly gee!I’m a-needin’ me a sawbones… and how!Is there a doctor in the house? He’d agreeI’m headed fer the undertaker’s place right now!

WOMEN: (Sing.) I been a-coughin’ up a storm, wheezin’ in the night,Bones are feelin’ brittle, and my knees are shakin’.

MEN: (Sing.) Tongue is tied in knots. My blood’s got clots.And if that ain’t enough, I got the ding dang trots!

COMPANY: (Sings.) Is there a doctor in the house? Lordy Lord!I’m a-needin’ me a sawbones… real bad.Is there a doctor in the house, one I kin afford?I’ve conjured up the worst affliction ever had!I’ve conjured up the worst affliction ever had! (MUSIC OUT.)

Scene OneAT RISE TO is seated at the ta e, a in a hand of so itaire.

I O STOC A E is us at the counter, fo din na ins. As she or s, she hu s. E ZI A ENTERS fro the of ce, on the run.

HEPZIBAH: (Scared.) Oh! Oh! Oh!

DOCTORS/CITIZENS: (Sing.) There’s gonna be a medicine show,medicine show, medicine show.

OTIS: (Shouts.) Is there a doctor in the house?! (MUSIC OUT.)END OF MUSICAL

MUSIC CUE 6d E it usic.”

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TOM: How do, Miz Canary.WIDOW: Morning, Hepzibah.HEPZIBAH: (Too nervous to reply, she hurries UP RIGHT.) Oh! Oh!

Oh! E I S P EF . A OR A AR steps O fro h s office. He’s a big man, overbearing. Yells after HEPZIBAH.)

MAYOR: (Angry.) It’s a daughter’s duty to respect her father’s wishes! If you had brought her up proper, Hepzibah, I wouldn’t have this problem! (Notices TOM and WIDOW staring at him, frozen in fascination.) What are you two staring at?! (TOM immediately returns to playing with the cards, and WIDOW resumes folding nap ns. A OR E I S bac to h s office as B OSSO a teenage girl, comes IN UP LEFT and moves behind the bench.)

BLOSSOM: What a day, what a day! Poor Lucy is beside herself.TOM: Never can figure out why you gals make such a fuss about

getting hitched. I reckon Otis ain’t so bad.BLOSSOM: He ain’t so good, either.TOM: He’s rich.BLOSSOM: Rich! That’s all you men think about. You sound like

Mayor Canary.WIDOW: Not too loud, Blossom. Po nts to office.) He might overhear.BLOSSOM: Let him. It’s plumb cruel of Mayor Canary to force his only

daughter to marry a man she doesn’t love. (In sympathy, WIDOW STOCKADE dabs at the corner of one eye with a hanky. LUCY, a charming, pretty, and determined girl, hurries ON UP LEFT. She is followed by a distraught HEPZIBAH.)

HEPZIBAH: Lucy, oh, Lucy. Be good.LUCY: No, no, no. It’s useless to argue, Mother. I want Lester Goodbe

for a husband.HEPZIBAH: Think of your father.LUCY: You think of him.HEPZIBAH: What a stubborn girl you are! What’s a mother to do? Oh!

Oh! Oh! (Steps behind the registration desk, still lamenting, “Oh! Oh! Oh!”)

LUCY: I don’t mean to be stubborn. I don’t mean to be disobedient. But I will not marry a man Father has selected. Especially when I don’t love him.

BLOSSOM: (Applauds.) Bravo, Lucy. Bravo.TOM: Them’s my sentiments.WIDOW: (Admiringly.) Such a strong-willed girl.

ABRACADABRA/PILLPURGE/SNAG/HAGG: (Sing.)Step right up ’cuz we got more! (The rest of the COMPANY ENTERS, softly picking up the banter as the DOCTORS hawk their wares to AUDIENCE members.)

DOCTORS: (Speak, ad-lib over following verses.) How about you, lady… Only one dollar a bottle… This is what you need, sir… Cures warts, polishes furniture… Who’ll buy?(The following two verses are sung as a duet.)

MALE CITIZENS: (Sing softly under dialogue.)One dollar, one dollar gonna buy you one!Two dollar, two dollar gonna buy you two!Three dollar, three dollar gonna buy you four!Step right up ’cuz we got more!

FEMALE CITIZENS: (Sing softly under dialog.)There’s gonna be a medicine show today.Hurry, hurry, come on, gather ’round!(The following two verses are sung as a duet.)

MALE CITIZENS: (Sing.) One dollar, one dollar gonna buy you one!Two dollar, two dollar gonna buy you two!Three dollar, three dollar gonna buy you four!Step right up ’cuz we got more.

FEMALE CITIZENS: (Sing.)There’s gonna be a medicine show today.We’ll mesmerize, dazzle, and astound!(The following two verses are sung as a duet as DOCTORS continue to hawk their wares to AUDIENCE members.)

MALE CITIZENS: (Sing.) One dollar, one dollar gonna buy you one!Two dollar, two dollar gonna buy you two!Three dollar, three dollar gonna buy you four!Step right up ’cuz we got more!

FEMALE CITIZENS: (Sing.)There’s gonna be a medicine show today.Hurry, hurry, come on, don’t be late!(The following two verses are sung as a duet.)

MALE CITIZENS: (Sing.) One dollar, one dollar gonna buy you one!Two dollar, two dollar gonna buy you two!Three dollar, three dollar gonna buy you four!Step right up ’cuz we got more!

FEMALE CITIZENS: (Sing.)There’s gonna be a medicine show today.This miracle of miracles won’t wait!

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HEPZIBAH: Your father says you will marry Otis Lackginger, and you will marry him today.

LUCY: S ts on the bench folds her ar s n defiant fash on.) Never!MAYOR: Stor s I fro the office. H s lasses are rest n atop h s

head.) I heard that!LUCY: Good. I won’t have to repeat it. (As MAYOR stomps to the

bench, BLOSSOM steps to the counter, afraid of his anger.)MAYOR: Enough of your sass, gal! You’ll do what I say. (Softer tone.)

Now, now, precious. Be nice to Daddy. Father knows best. Lester Goodbe is a nobody.

HEPZIBAH: He’s the sheriff’s nephew.MAYOR: That’s what I said. A nobody.TOM: You ain’t being fair to Lester, Mayor. He’s going places.MAYOR: The sooner the better. (Softly, to LUCY.) With Otis, you’ll have

everything money can buy. Servants, respect, indoor plumbing.LUCY: I don’t love Otis Lackginger.MAYOR: Why, that’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard in my life!

(MUSIC CUE 2: “Who’s Talkin’ ’Bout Love?” More CITIZENS can ENTER, if desired. Sings.) Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?I’m talkin’ ’bout marriage!When you wanna have the finer things in life…Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?I’m talkin’ ’bout marriage!It’s the only way a gal should be a wife.You gotta have a roof, right over yer head.Without no roof, you might git wet, catch pneumonia, up an’ die!Yes, you gotta have a roof, right over yer head.Without no roof, you might git sick, kick the bucket, wind up dead!Who’s talkin’ ’bout love? I’m talkin’ ’bout marriage!It takes money fer the finer things in life.Who’s talkin’ ’bout love? I’m talkin’ ’bout marriage!It’s the only way a gal should be a wife! (CITIZENS begin to get caught up in the MAYOR’S preaching ways as if it’s a sermon.) You gotta have food.

CITIZENS: (Speak.) Uh-huh!MAYOR: (Sings.) If you wanna thrive.CITIZENS: (Speak.) Yeah, boy!MAYOR: (Sings.)

Without no food, you might git weak, git pneumonia, up an’ die!CITIZENS: (Speak.) Mmm, mmm!

SNAG: (Hands her the bottle.) Here, Marjorie. Have a taste. It’ll do you good. (MARJORIE shrugs and sips.)

DOCTORS/HAGG/PRINCESS: (Solemn, hands over hearts.) The Hippopotamus Oath: “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” (MUSIC CUE 6c: “Medicine Show Today!—Reprise.” LUCY and LESTER are arm in arm, staring into each other’s eyes, deeply in love. DOCTORS quickly strip the “Cures and Such” shelf of its ware and move down to the edge of the STAGE, hawking the goods.)

DOCTORS/CITIZENS: (Sing.)There’s gonna be a medicine show today!

DR. ABRACADABRA: (Sings.) Hurry, hurry, come-on, don’t be late.DOCTORS/CITIZENS: (Sing.)

There’s gonna be a medicine show today!HAGG: (Sings.) This miracle of miracles won’t wait!DR. PILLPURGE: (To an AUDIENCE member, sings.)

Now friend, you’re lookin’ thin.DR. ABRACADABRA: (To same AUDIENCE member, sings.)

And what’s that on yer skin?HAGG: (To same AUDIENCE member, sings.)

Looks like the beginnin’s of a big ol’ rash!SNAG: (Sings.) Before it starts to spread, you better use yer head.DOCTORS: (Sing.) We’re easy to accommodate, just bring yer cash!

(DOCTORS sing to members of the AUDIENCE who are seated in the front row.)

DR. ABRACADABRA: (Sings.)One dollar, one dollar gonna buy you one!

ABRACADABRA/PILLPURGE: (Sing.)Two dollar, two dollar gonna buy you two!

PILLPURGE/ABRACADABRA/SNAG: (Sing.)Three dollar, three dollar gonna buy you four!

ABRACADABRA/PILLPURGE/SNAG/HAGG: (Sing.)Step right up cuz we got more!

DR. ABRACADABRA: (Sings.)One dollar, one dollar gonna buy you one!

ABRACADABRA/PILLPURGE: (Sing.)Two dollar, two dollar gonna buy you two!

ABRACADABRA/PILLPURGE/SNAG: (Sing.)Three dollar, three dollar gonna buy you four!

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MAYOR: (Sings.) Yes, you gotta have food.CITIZENS: (Speak.) es, sir!MAYOR: (Sings.) If you wanna thrive.CITIZENS: (Speak.) Glory be!MAYOR: (Sings.) Without no food, you might git sick,

Bite the dust, you won’t survive!CITIZENS: (Speak.) Amen!MAYOR: (Sings.) Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?CITIZENS: (Sing, except WIDOW, BLOSSOM, TOM, and LUCY.)

Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?MAYOR: (Sings.) I’m talkin’ ’bout marriage!CITIZENS: (Sing.) He’s talkin’ ’bout marriage!MAYOR: (Sings.) When you wanna have the finer things in life.CITIZENS: (Sing.) Oh, yes, indeed!MAYOR: (Sings.) Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?CITIZENS: (Sing.) Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?MAYOR: (Sings.) I’m talkin’ ’bout marriage!CITIZENS: (Sing.) He’s talkin’ ’bout marriage!MAYOR: (Sings.) It’s the only way a gal should be a wife!CITIZENS: (To LUCY, sing.) You best take heed!MAYOR: (Sings.) You gotta have clothes.CITIZENS: (Sing.) You gotta have clothes!MAYOR: (Sings.) To cover yer skin.CITIZENS: (Sing.) To cover yer skin!MAYOR: (Sings.) If you don’t have clothes, you might catch cold,

Git pneumonia, up an’ die!CITIZENS: (Sing.) Oh, lordy, no!MAYOR: (Sings.) Yes, you gotta have clothes.CITIZENS: (Sing.) You gotta have clothes!MAYOR: (Sings.) To cover yer skin.CITIZENS: (Sing.) To cover yer skin!MAYOR: (Sings.) ithout no c othes, ou i ht it sic .

Mercy, here we go agin!Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?

CITIZENS: (Sing.) Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?MAYOR: (Sings.) I’m talkin’ ’bout marriage!CITIZENS: (Sing.) He’s talkin’ ’bout marriage!MAYOR: (Sings.) If you wanna have some respect in yer life.

OTIS: Why not?WIDOW: Lucy has married Lester Goodbe.OTIS: Why did she do it? She loves me. Tell them, Lucy. Tell them you

never stopped loving me.LUCY: I never stopped loving you, Otis.OTIS: You see!LUCY: Because I never started. (Laughter.)OTIS: My sweet plum has turned into a bitter lemon.MAYOR: (Hands to his head.) A penniless son-in-law! Not two cents

in his pocket.AMANDA: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT from the dining room followed

by MARJORIE. Crosses CENTER.) You misjudge the boy, Mayor.MAYOR: Who’s this?HEPZIBAH: Amanda Flimflam. From Denver. She’s a lawyer.DOCTORS: Lawyer?AMANDA: Lester Goodbe?LESTER: (Steps forward.) Ma’am?MAYOR: He’s going to be arrested for some crime. I just know it. My

son-in-law, the crook.LUCY: What can she want, Lester?LESTER: That’s what I’m waiting to hear.PRINCESS: We’re all waiting.AMANDA: I bring good news and bad news. (Pause.) Your Uncle

Mortimer has died in Denver.SHERIFF: What’s the bad news?AMANDA: (To LESTER.) You are his sole heir. You’ve come into a

considerable fortune. (OTHERS “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhh,” applaud.)MAYOR: There, Hepzibah, what did I tell you? He’s wanted by the

law. He’s a common criminal, a miserable crook. (Realizes what AMANDA has said.) What… what… what did you say?

AMANDA: I said, your son-in-law is a young man of property and wealth.MAYOR: (Arms wide to embrace, crosses.) Property and wealth!

Lester, my boy, this is the happiest day of my life! I always knew you were the boy for my little girl.

LUCY: We owe it all to you, Dr. Snag.SNAG: And to the medicine.DR. ABRACADABRA: My medicine.DR. PILLPURGE: Love.MARJORIE: (Moves to SNAG.) You certainly have surprised me.

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CITIZENS: (Sing.) Oh, yes, indeed!MAYOR: (Sings.) Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?CITIZENS: (Sing.) Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?MAYOR: (Sings.) I’m talkin’ ’bout marriage!CITIZENS: (Sing.) He’s talkin’ ’bout marriage!MAYOR: (Sings.) It’s the only way a gal should be a wife!CITIZENS: (Sing.) You best take heed!MAYOR: (Sings.) Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?CITIZENS: (Sing.) Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?MAYOR: (Sings.) I’m talkin’ ’bout marriage!CITIZENS: (Sing.) He’s talkin’ ’bout marriage!MAYOR: (Sings.) If you wanna have the ner thin s in life.CITIZENS: (Sing.) Oh, yes, indeed!MAYOR: (Sings.) Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?CITIZENS: (Sing.) Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?MAYOR: (Sings.) I’m talkin’ ’bout marriage!CITIZENS: (Sing.) He’s talkin’ ’bout marriage!MAYOR: (Sings.) It’s the only way a gal should be a wife!CITIZENS: (Sing.) Who’s talkin’ ’bout love?MAYOR/CITIZENS: (Sing.) I’m/He’s talkin’ ’bout marriage!

It’s the only way a gal should be a wife!(Shout.) Hallelu! (MUSIC OUT. EXTRA CITIZENS EXIT RIGHT.)

WIDOW: Oh, Mayor Canary, what a cynical thing to say.MAYOR: Mind your own business, Widow Stockade. Otherwise, I’ll

raise the rent on your general store.HEPZIBAH: You don’t mean that, Caesar.MAYOR: I never say anything I don’t mean. Never did like the idea of

a general store in the lobby. Ain’t natural.TOM: But it’s different.MAYOR: You keep out of this, Tom Sawyer Huckleberry Finn Jones.OTHERS: Junior.MAYOR: Yeah. “Junior.” Silliest name I ever heard.LUCY: My mind is made up.MAYOR: Well, unmake it.BLOSSOM: A mind isn’t a bed, Mayor. You can’t make it and

unmake it.MAYOR: Who asked you?HEPZIBAH: Be polite, Caesar. Remember your high blood pressure.

DOCTORS: Love is the best doctor. (MUSIC CUE 6b: “Love Is the Best Dang Doctor—Underscore.” PREACHER shrugs and moves in front of registration desk. LESTER and LUCY stand before him.)

PREACHER: How curious, Lucy, that you should be married twice in the same day and each time to a different man.

BLOSSOM: She’s not married yet. You never finished the last ceremony.LESTER: Could you cut out the preliminaries, Preacher?HEPZIBAH: Hurry, Preacher, hurry.PREACHER: As you wish. (Clears his throat.) Do you, Lester Goodbe,

take Lucy Canary for your wife?LESTER: You bet I do.PREACHER: And do you, Lucy Canary, take this cowboy, Lester

Goodbe, for your husband? (Long pause.)LUCY: (Loud and clear.) You bet I do.MAYOR: She spoke! She spoke! She spoke! Lucy’s got her voice

back! Dr. Snag, you’re the greatest miracle doctor in the world. (LUCY and LESTER embrace. MUSIC OUT.)

OTIS: Stop that! Stop that I say! Look what they’re doing, Mayor.MAYOR: What are they doing? I ain’t found my specs.CASSANDRA: They’re hugging.MAYOR: What?!OTIS: It’s not respectable.SNAG: Ah, but it is, Mayor Canary. They’re married.MAYOR: They’re not! They’re not!PREACHER: They most certainly are. I ought to know. I did the marrying.SHERIFF: (Holds up the license.) This here license is perfectly

legal, Mayor.MAYOR: You’re fired!HEPZIBAH: Lucy is now Mrs. Lester Goodbe?SHERIFF: Absolutely.PREACHER: Without a doubt.MAYOR: I’ve been tricked!LUCY: There’s nothing to do now, Father, but make the best of it.LESTER: I may not be rich, Mayor Canary, but I’ll find a future.MAYOR: Your future is in a corral. Oooooh. A penniless son-in-law.

Just what I never wanted.OTIS: (Creeps forward.) When am I getting married?BLOSSOM: You’re not.

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MAYOR: You remember it. (Talking “sweetly,” he steps closer to LUCY.) I know why you’re upset, precious. It’s the heat. Hot weather always did make you a mite irksome. (Sits beside her and talks baby talk.) But I know my baby girl. My Lucy-woosy always obeys her papa. My little princess would never do anything that made Daddy-waddy unhappy.

LUCY: (Stands.) If you don’t stop all this, I’ll run away!HEPZIBAH: Lucy!LUCY: I mean it. I’ll run away and never come back. (Stomps her

foot.) I will, I will, I will.MAYOR: (Rises like an erupting volcano.) You stop stamping your

foot! If you run away, I’ll have the sheriff fetch you back.LUCY: I will not marry Otis Lackginger, and that is that!MAYOR: Well, my girl, we’ll see about this. (To HEPZIBAH.) Don’t let

her out of your sight. I’ve got to see a man about a wedding.TOM: Otis?MAYOR: No, the preacher.LUCY/BLOSSOM: Preacher!MAYOR: (Strides RIGHT. Checks.) My spectacles? Where are my

spectacles? Where’s the sheriff? I’ve been robbed!HEPZIBAH: (Points.) They’re on your head.MAYOR: (Drops them to eye level.) Who put them up there? Never

mind. I’ll be back before you can spell Mississippi.TOM: (Spells it out.) M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I.MAYOR: I hate a smart-aleck, kid. (EXITS RIGHT.)LUCY: (Wails.) Oh, Blossom.BLOSSOM: Oh, Lucy. (Comforts her.)HEPZIBAH: Oh, dear.TOM: Oh, shucks.LUCY: Married to Otis Lackginger!BLOSSOM: A fate worse than death.TOM: You’ll have to take him for better or worse.LUCY: Otis Lackginger is much worse than I take him for.HEPZIBAH: Perhaps it won’t be so bad. Some men don’t live long

after they marry.LUCY: Mother, you don’t want me to marry Otis, do you?!HEPZIBAH: All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy, Lucy. But I

don’t want your father angry. He’s an absolute bear when he’s angry.

SHERIFF: (Pats pocket.) Sure do. Right here. Always carry one in case of emergencies.

BLOSSOM: This is an emergency.SNAG: Lester, Lucy. You sign. (SHERIFF moves to registration desk

and takes out a marriage license. WIDOW dashes OUT to the store and RE-ENTERS with a wedding cap and veil. LESTER and LUCY sign the license. WIDOW puts the wedding veil on

and rabs the bou uet of o ers fro Scene One. She hands them to LUCY. While this is going on, OTHERS position themselves for the ceremony.)

MISS STRICT: A wedding! How lovely, I adore them. (Points to stairs.) We can watch from the stairs, girls. It’s a better view.

PUPILS: Yes, Miss Strict. Whatever you say, Miss Strict. (MISS STRICT and PUPILS march to the stairs. Positions at this point: DR. ABRACADABRA, WIDOW, HAGG, and DR. PILLPURGE are at the counter. PRINCESS is by the bench. SNAG, HEPZIBAH, and MAYOR are at the table. BLOSSOM is

PS A E b the office. ES ER and SHERIFF are at the registration desk.)

OTIS: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Wedding? What’s all this talk about a wedding? I’m the one who’s supposed to be getting married. Anybody got an aspirin?

MAYOR: It’s a placebo, Otis. Don’t pay no mind.OTIS: Speak up. I don’t feel so good. I think I’m coming down

with something.SHERIFF: I reckon all we need now is that preacher.TOM: (Runs ON RIGHT.) Here he is.PREACHER: (ENTERS RIGHT, somber.) Where is the deceased?HEPZIBAH: No deceased, Preacher. It’s a wedding.PREACHER: Who is the bride?OTHERS: Lucy Canary.PREACHER: Congratulations, Otis.OTIS: I’m not getting married.BLOSSOM: Lucy is marrying Lester, and when she does, she gets

her voice back.SNAG: Let’s get on with the cure.LESTER: Marry us, Preacher.PREACHER: Very well.OTIS: Something ain’t right here.PREACHER: (To SNAG, bewildered.) Did you say cure?

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BLOSSOM: Don’t you fret, Lucy. Lester will think of something.TOM: (Stands.) He’d better hurry. The preacher moves fast.SHERIFF: (ENTERS RIGHT.) How do, one and all.OTHERS: (Ad lib.) How do, Sheriff. Morning, Sheriff. Howdy. (Etc.)SHERIFF: Howdy, Widow.WIDOW: Howdy, Sheriff.LUCY: Come on, Blossom. We’ll sneak out the back way. (Takes

BLOSSOM’S hand and starts to pull her LEFT toward the general store.)

SHERIFF: Hold on there, Miss Lucy. Your father says I got to watch you ’til he gets back.

BLOSSOM: Sheriff, you don’t understand.SHERIFF: What don’t I understand?TOM: Lucy is getting hitched.SHERIFF: Hitched?OTHERS: Married.SHERIFF: (Delighted.) You don’t say! Well, I’ll be pappy to a polecat if

that ain’t the sweetest news I’ve heard this year. (Opens his arms wide to embrace LUCY.) Let me give you a big hug. Soon we’ll be kin. Lester is the luckiest boy in Grease Gulch.

TOM: No, no, Sheriff.BLOSSOM: She isn’t marrying your nephew.SHERIFF: Huh?HEPZIBAH: She’s marrying Otis Lackginger.SHERIFF: (Aghast.) Nooooo.WIDOW: (Looks RIGHT and points.) Here he comes now.SHERIFF: Otis?WIDOW: No, Lester Goodbe.LUCY: My love!LESTER: E ERS RI H carr n a hu e bou uet of o ers that

practically covers his face. He’s a young cowpoke who we like at once.) I picked this bouquet for you, Lucy.

LUCY: (In front of him.) No time for flowers, Lester. We’ve got a problem.LESTER: Anybody got a vase?WIDOW: I have just the thing. A wooden bucket. a es the o ers

and EXITS LEFT to her store.)LESTER: Gosh, Lucy. You get prettier and prettier every time I

see you.

then run into the AUDIENCE. Some of the OTHERS—MAYOR, MISS STRICT, and CASSANDRA—might also join in the chase. The bottle, which is plastic so as not to break, is tossed back and forth.] Ad-lib.) Toss it here! Give it to me! Over here! Catch! (Ultimately, all are back ONSTAGE and SNAG gets the bottle. A mighty cheer goes up. MUSIC OUT.)

SNAG: (Hands it over.) Here’s the bottle, Dr. Abracadabra.HAGG: Rats.HEPZIBAH: Land sakes! I can’t wait any longer. What is the cure,

Dr. Abracadabra?DR. ABRACADABRA: (Holds up bottle.) It’s written on the label.MAYOR: I ain’t got my glasses.BLOSSOM: You read it, Dr. Snag.SNAG: (Takes it back. Pauses, then reads with great conviction.)

“Love is the best doctor. Love is the only cure.”(GIRLS sigh in romantic fashion.)

MAYOR: Huh?HEPZIBAH: I don’t understand, but give her a spoonful.MAYOR: Hush up. What’s it mean?SNAG: It means Lucy must marry the one she loves. When she does,

she’ll get her voice back.WIDOW: Otherwise, she’ll never speak again. (SHERIFF and OTIS

ENTER RIGHT.)BLOSSOM: She loves Lester.MAYOR: She’s not going to marry Lester! Never.SNAG: We need the preacher.HEPZIBAH: Get the preacher.SHERIFF: (Calls OFF RIGHT.) Tom, Tom. Fetch the preacher.TOM: (From OFF RIGHT.) Okay, Sheriff. One preacher coming up!MAYOR: Let me get this straight. Before Lucy can speak again, she

has to marry Lester?SNAG: (Steps to him. Stage whisper.) It won’t be a real marriage,

Mayor. Only a fake one. It’s called a placebo. Like a pill that ain’t real.

MAYOR: (Whispers back.) Who wants a pill that ain’t real? Oh, I get it. When she thinks she’s married, she’ll talk.

SNAG: (Still a whisper.) Exactly. (Loud.) Let’s have a wedding!OTHERS: Hooray!SNAG: Sheriff, you got a license?

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SHERIFF: Better stiffen your spine, nephew. There’s bad news a-comin’.TOM: That’s for sure.LESTER: What are you talking about?HEPZIBAH: Lucy is getting married.LESTER: Everybody knows that. But we ain’t set a date yet.BLOSSOM: She’s not marrying you.LESTER: How’s that?LUCY: (Drifts back to the bench and sits, distressed.) Fate has been

unkind, Lester.BLOSSOM: Her father is forcing her to marry Otis Lackginger.LESTER: Otis Lackginger! Why, he couldn’t get a date on a tombstone.HEPZIBAH: Sheriff already said that. (LUCY cries.)LESTER: (Crosses to the bench and drops to one knee. Takes

LUCY’S hand.) Dear Lucy, I will never allow such a marriage to take place. You and me are made for each other. We belong together!

HEPZIBAH: Like two ducks in a pond.SHERIFF: Two fish in a stream.BLOSSOM: Two sheep in a field. (MUSIC CUE 3: “We Belong Together.”)HEPZIBAH: (Speaks.) Just look at them. Why, it breaks my heart!BLOSSOM: (Speaks.) Why can’t the mayor be more reasonable?SHERIFF: (Speaks.) They’s in love!TOM: (Speaks.) They belong together!HEPZIBAH: (Sings.) They belong together like a bird and a bee.BLOSSOM: (Sings.) Like a dog and a flea.HEPZIBAH: (Sings.) Like two ticks in a tree.BLOSSOM/HEPZIBAH: (Sing.)

They belong together, and we don’t disagreeThat he will always be in her heart!

SHERIFF: (Sings.) They belong together like two eyes on a spud.TOM: (Sings.) Like a mare and a stud.SHERIFF: (Sings.) Like a cow and its cud.TOM/SHERIFF: (Sing.) They belong together

Like two hogs in the mud.Yes, she will always be in his heart!

LUCY: (Sings.) Truly, truly, I will wait for you.LESTER: (Sings.) Truly, truly, I’ll be waiting, too.LUCY/LESTER: (Sing.) We belong together on this sunshiney day.LESTER: (Sings.) Like a yip and a yea!

BLOSSOM: It’s worse than before.HEPZIBAH: Quacks! That’s what they are. The lot of them. Quacks!DR. ABRACADABRA: Madam, please. You do me an injustice. I may

be a quack, but I’m certified.MISS STRICT: But the child still can’t speak.DR. ABRACADABRA: I, Dr. Abracadabra, the invalid’s friend and

hope, have the magic cure!MAYOR: Here we go again. Another cure.DR. ABRACADABRA: (Calls OFF RIGHT.) Princess!MISS STRICT: Princess?DR. ABRACADABRA: My assistant. Princess Falling Star.BLOSSOM: From Chattanooga.PRINCESS: (Runs ON RIGHT holding a medicine bottle.) I am here,

Dr. Abracadabra, and I have the cure! (Applause from OTHERS. Crosses to DR. ABRACADABRA and hands him the bottle.)

DR. ABRACADABRA: (With deep conviction.) Mayor Canary, this will cure your daughter. This will return her power of speech. This is modern medicine magic.

PRINCESS: It’s better than purge, blister, and bleed.HEPZIBAH: What can it be, Caesar?MAYOR: I don’t know, but I bet it costs.DR. ABRACADABRA: I have only one bottle left. If a drug company

analyzed the contents, its profits would soar and soar. This remedy would make anyone rich beyond his dreams! (This is too much for HAGG. She has listened eagerly and can no longer resist. She jumps up and grabs the bottle.)

HAGG: That’s for me. Rich! Rich! Rich! I’m rich!PRINCESS: She’s stealing the cure! (MUSIC CUE 6a: “Chase

Music.” HAGG runs RIGHT for the street. DOCTORS and LESTER pursue her. They run OFF RIGHT only to RETURN quickly, HAGG still in the lead.)

WIDOW: Me, me! Toss it to me! (HAGG tosses it to WIDOW. OTHERS rush to WIDOW. She tosses it to HAGG, who fumbles. One of the DOCTORS picks it up and tosses it to another DOCTOR. Things are getting confused. HAGG manages to get it back. While HAGG, DOCTORS, LESTER, and WIDOW are engaged with the bottle tossing game, OTHERS cheer them on and react with ad-libs.)

OTHERS: (Ad libs.) Don’t let Dr. Hagg escape! Get that bottle! Catch! Hurry! It’s the only bottle! The only cure! Save it for Lucy! (Etc. LUCY sits on the bench, quietly following the game. [NOTE: A great audience-pleaser will be to have HAGG seize the bottle and

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LUCY: (Sings.) Like two blossoms in May.LUCY/LESTER: (Sing.) We belong together.

Now, what more can we say?LESTER: (Sings.) Yes, you will always be…LUCY: (Sings.) I’m hoping they will see.LUCY/LESTER: (Sing.) Yes, you will always be in my heart!

(MUSIC OUT.)LUCY: Ooooh, Lester, what are we going to do?MAYOR: (Storms ON RIGHT.) You’re going to do exactly what I

say! (To LESTER.) Get up, you galoot. No penniless cowpoke is marrying my daughter.

SHERIFF: Now, hold on, Mayor. My nephew is a good lad.MAYOR: I’m the mayor. You’re my employee. As mayor to employee, I

have only one word to say to you—shut up! (ALL cringe.)TOM: That’s two words.MAYOR: You shut up, too.LESTER: (Stands.) Mayor Canary, I may be poor, and I may be a

cowpoke, but I’m honest.MAYOR: Honest don’t put steak and potatoes on a plate. Someday,

Lester, someone is going to knock you conscious.HEPZIBAH: Be courteous, Caesar.MAYOR: I’m always courteous. (To LESTER.) Get out of my way,

Moosebrain. (Shoves LESTER aside and sits beside LUCY.) Now, gal, I’ve pleaded, and I’ve begged, and time’s run out. Otis Lackginger is a rich man. He’ll give you a nice home and a Persian cat.

LUCY: I don’t want a nice home. I don’t want a Persian cat. I want Lester. (As the MAYOR continues, others hang on every word.

I O RE E ERS EF th the o ers n a ooden buc et. She stands behind the counter.)

MAYOR: Are you out of your senses? (Puts his hand to her forehead.) Hmmmm. You are a mite feverish.

WIDOW: I know what she needs. Pink Pills for Pale People.MAYOR: She doesn’t need any pink pills. (To LUCY.) I’ve got plans

to expand this hotel. Having a rich son-in-law in the family is a wise step.

LESTER: I’d like to step on that suggestion.MAYOR: Sheriff, if you can’t control your mangy nephew, I’ll get a

new sheriff.

foot and/or hand. ONLOOKERS gasp. The hand disappears. Next appears some awful looking stuff that could be either heart or liver. The hand holding this stuff disappears. Next appears what looks like a never-ending link of sausages. [The sausages may be stuffed black socks strung together.] The hands of DR. ABRACADABRA, DR. PILLPURGE, and HAGG, held now above the sheet, pass the links back and forth as ONLOOKERS go into shock. [NOTE: The foot/hand, the liver/heart and sausage links are put back into the medical suitcase so that when the sheet is dropped they are nowhere to be seen.] While the doctors busy themselves with the operation, SNAG extracts the tooth.)

ALBERTA: Ow, ow, ow.SNAG: Almost… almost… almost…PUPILS: How awful!MISS STRICT: Be brave, Alberta!SNAG: Got it! (Out comes the tooth. It’s gigantic! Naturally no human

being could produce such a tooth and that’s the joke. [NOTE: The tooth is actually another cardboard cutout. When SNAG steps in front of ALBERTA, she reaches for the cutout, careful not to allow the AUDIENCE a view. She holds it and, eventually, SNAG will hook it with the pliers or hold it up with one hand.]) Eureka! (Applause from ONLOOKERS. LESTER blows out the lantern. WIDOW takes the sheet, folds it and puts it on the counter. DOCTORS help LUCY to a sitting position. To ALBERTA.) Put that under your pillow and see what the Tooth Fairy brings you.

MISS STRICT: Cassandra has a tummy ache, Doctor.CASSANDRA: (Afraid of being their next patient.) Not anymore.TALLULAH: My headache’s gone.HAGG: I think the operation was a success.HEPZIBAH: Must be. She’s still alive.DR. PILLPURGE: Doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.MAYOR: The first operation I ever saw. I didn’t realize how hard

doctors have to work.HEPZIBAH: I hope they put everything back in that they took out.BLOSSOM: Why, Lucy not only got her foot back, she’s wearing

her shoe.ALBERTA: (Hand to jaw.) Oh, what a relief.MISS STRICT: (To SNAG.) You’re a wonderful dentist, Doctor. (Unties

ALBERTA’S bandana.)MAYOR: (Steps toward her.) Say something, Lucy. (ALL tense, listen.

All LUCY can manage is a mumble.) Huh? (More mumbles.)

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SHERIFF: Now, now, Lester. Behave. (Crosses to LESTER and guides him in front of the registration desk.)

BLOSSOM: (Points RIGHT.) Here he comes!TOM: Otis Lackginger?BLOSSOM: No, the preacher.OTHERS: (Except MAYOR.) Preacher!PREACHER: (ENTERS RIGHT. He is a long, thin man dressed in

black with a book in his grip. Somber.) Where is the deceased?HEPZIBAH: No, no, Preacher. No one’s dead.MAYOR: (Stands, irritated.) I told you before. It’s a wedding.PREACHER: In that case, who is the bride?OTHERS: Lucy Canary!PREACHER: (To LUCY.) My congratulations, dear. (Crosses

to LESTER and pumps his hand.) You’re a fortunate young man, Lester.

BLOSSOM: No, Preacher. He ain’t getting married.PREACHER: But you said Lucy was the bride.BLOSSOM: She is.SHERIFF: But she ain’t marrying my nephew.PREACHER: Lucy is getting married, but not to Lester Goodbe?

My, my. This is quite a surprise. (To HEPZIBAH.) Who is the fortunate groom?

OTHERS: Otis Lackginger!PREACHER: (Amazed.) Otis Lackginger? Why, he couldn’t get a

date— (ALL glare at him.) Never mind.WIDOW: (Points RIGHT.) Here he comes now!HEPZIBAH: It’s Otis!MAYOR: (Faces RIGHT and opens his arms as welcome.) Behold

the bridegroom! (Long pause. Nothing.)TOM: What’s taking him so long?MAYOR: Come along, Otis, you’re doing splendidly. Almost here.

That’s it … few steps more … keep coming … left foot, right foot … excellent … you’re looking fit!

OTIS: (ENTERS RIGHT. He’s a decrepit gentleman with a long white beard. He’s bent over and walks with the aid of two canes. He’s hard of hearing and, if possible, he uses an ear trumpet. LUCY is appalled and steps to BLOSSOM for safety. In a whiny voice.) I should have stayed in bed, but my love for sweet Lucy Canary overcame my aches and pains. Widow Stockade?

WIDOW: Yes, Mr. Lackginger?

HEPZIBAH: What kind of screen?MAYOR: What for?WIDOW: Will this do? (Gets a white sheet from atop the counter.) It’s

bed linen.DR. ABRACADABRA: Perfect. (WIDOW crosses and hands the

bedsheet to DR. ABRACADABRA, who opens it. He passes one end to WIDOW. To LESTER.) You, cowboy. Take the other end.

LESTER: If anything happens to my Lucy—MAYOR: She ain’t your Lucy! (LESTER crosses and takes the

other end of the sheet. Now LUCY is completely screened from AUDIENCE view. [NOTE: The purpose of this screening is so that the AUDIENCE won’t be able to see the doctors pulling things from DR. PILLPURGE’S medical suitcase.] While this screen business is going on, SNAG plucks a huge pair of dental pliers [cardboard] from DR. PILLPURGE’S bag. Holds them up to AUDIENCE view. He crosses to ALBERTA.)

ALBERTA: Ow! Ow! Ow! My tooth, my tooth!TALLULAH: Oh, poor Alberta.MISS STRICT: Do something, Doctor.CASSANDRA: She’s in pain.SNAG: How can she be? I ain’t started yet. (Steps in front of

ALBERTA, blocking the “extraction” from AUDIENCE view. ALBERTA continues to moan—“Ow, ow, ow!” At the same time, the DOCTORS go behind the sheet to operate.)

DR. PILLPURGE: We’ll need more light.DR. ABRACADABRA: More light.HAGG: Light.HEPZIBAH: I’ll get it. Runs OFF P RI H nto office.)ALBERTA: Oh, my tooth. Ow, ow, ow!TALLULAH: Poor Alberta!SNAG: Almost got it. Keep calm. Don’t thrash about. (HEPZIBAH

RE E ERS fro the office th a lantern. She hands t to LESTER and steps back. [NOTE: The lantern should create a backlit shadow effect.] )

DR. ABRACADABRA: Are we ready, Doctors?OTHER DOCTORS: Ready, Doctor. (We hear the DOCTORS

conferring behind the screen.)DOCTORS: Good… Excellent… Remove it. We can put it back later…

Easy does it … (We now go into a classic commedia dell’arte improvisation. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.] As if the over the top humor up till now wasn’t enough! They hold up a severed

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OTIS: You got any more of that New England Worm Eradicator?WIDOW: Two bottles.OTIS: I’ll take them both. When it comes to getting rid of worms, that

eradicator can’t be beat.BLOSSOM: (Grimaces.) We’ll take your word for it.MAYOR: (Brisk.) Don’t just stand there, Preacher. It’s marrying time.LUCY: No!LESTER: Lucy! (Moves for LUCY, but SHERIFF holds him back.)SHERIFF: It’s too late, nephew. Courage, courage.OTIS: Stand beside me, Lucy. Get ready to pucker up. (Like a zombie,

LUCY moves toward OTIS.) How lovely you are. Hee, hee, hee. My sweet plum.

PREACHER: (Reads from book.) Beloved, we are gathered here to pay homage to the memory of our dearly departed—

TOM: Wrong page, Preacher.PREACHER: (Checks.) What? Oh, yes. Sorry about that.BLOSSOM: Not half as sorry as Lucy.PREACHER: (Finds correct page.) This is it. We are gathered here

to join this, uh, man and this woman— (LESTER stares, numb. LUCY, too, is numb. HEPZIBAH and WIDOW sob.)

MAYOR: Speed it up, Preacher.PREACHER: (Quickly.) Do you, Otis Lackginger—OTIS: (Cups his ear or holds up ear trumpet.) What, what? Speak up!

I can’t hear you.PREACHER: (Louder.) Do you, Otis Lackginger—OTIS: Yes, yes. That’s me. Otis Lackginger. What about it?PREACHER: Take Lucy Canary to be your lawful wife?OTIS: Of course I do. Yes, yes. That’s why I’m here.PREACHER: And do you, Lucy Canary, take this, uh, man to be your

lawful husband. To have and to hold—LUCY: I… I… I… (Makes a terrible face. Another one. Then another.

She waves her hands in front of her mouth, making weird sounds.)BLOSSOM: Lucy!LESTER: Lucy, are you all right?SHERIFF: What’s she trying to say? (More weird sounds from LUCY.)BLOSSOM: She can’t talk! Lucy, have you lost your voice? (LUCY

nods “yes.”)TOM: She’s lost her voice!OTHERS: (Ad libs.) What? Impossible! Oh, no. Poor Lucy! etc.

HAGG: (Speaks.) I second the motion.DOCTORS: (Sing.)

It’s the professional way, a doctor’s code of honor.It’s medically and ethically the way to behave.You keep the patient smiling even though she’s a goner,Then wrap her up and drop her in a permanent grave.It’s the professional way to always stick together,Especially if the patient croaks.What more can we tell ya?What more can we say,It’s the professional way!What more can we tell ya?What more can we say?It’s the professional way! (MUSIC OUT.)

HEPZIBAH: Stop all this jabber-jabber. You’re doctors. Do something!DOCTORS: We’ll operate.LESTER: You can’t do that!DOCTORS: Doctor knows best. (LUCY faints. HAGG gets a stool

and puts it at one end of the bench for LUCY’S feet. Then she gets the other stool and places it at the other end of the bench for LUCY’S head. Thus, LUCY is stretched out as if on an operating table. While this is going on, ALBERTA ENTERS down the stairs groaning with her bad tooth. Behind her are TALLULAH, CASSANDRA, and MISS STRICT.)

ALBERTA: Ooooooh. My tooth, my tooth. Oooooooh. I need a dentist.MISS STRICT: Is there a dentist in the house?DR. PILLPURGE: Dr. Snag, you’ll find something in my bag of tricks.

You be the dentist.SNAG: I don’t know anything about pulling teeth.DR. PILLPURGE: What difference does that make?MISS STRICT: This is an emergency.SNAG: I’ll give it a whack.HAGG: All you have to do is look busy. (SNAG digs into Dr.

Pillpurge’s large bag. MISS STRICT guides ALBERTA to a chair at the table. At this point, positions should be roughly as follows: ALBERTA sits at the table with MISS STRICT, TALLULAH, and CASSANDRA nearby, standing. UP RIGHT are BLOSSOM and MAYOR. HEPZIBAH by registration desk. LUCY is on the bench. DR. PILLPURGE, DR. ABRACADABRA, and HAGG are close by. LESTER and WIDOW are behind the counter.)

DR. ABRACADABRA: We’ll need a screen of some sort.

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OTIS: What? What? Am I married?PREACHER: No, Otis, the marriage ceremony has not been concluded.

Miss Lucy has lost her voice. (LUCY slaps the back of one hand to her forehead and moans.)

WIDOW: She’s going to faint!OTHERS: Oh! Oh! (LUCY sways from side to side. OTHERS move

toward her, hoping to cushion her fall.)LESTER: Let me handle this. (Picks her up and places her on the

bench.) You’ll be fine, Lucy. Take deep breaths. (As soon as LUCY is on the bench, WIDOW and BLOSSOM fan her with napkins grabbed from the counter.)

TOM: She needs air.BLOSSOM: What do you think we’re trying to give her! (As they fan,

LUCY continues to pantomime the fact that she cannot speak.)MAYOR: Lucy, is this some kind of trick? (Again, LUCY gestures that

her voice is gone.)OTIS: You told me she was in good health. I don’t want a sickly wife.HEPZIBAH: My daughter is not sickly.OTIS: I can’t hang around here all day. I’ll run along. Widow Stockade,

you send over my New England Worm Eradicator.WIDOW: (Still fanning.) Yes, yes. (OTIS creeps OFF RIGHT.)MAYOR: (Follows him OUT.) No, Otis, don’t go! She’ll be well again

soon. (He’s OFF.)HEPZIBAH: (Sits beside her daughter and puts her hand to her

forehead.) Caesar was right. She does have a fever. Poor child. Sheriff, get the doctor.

TOM: You mean Dr. Pillpurge?BLOSSOM: Pillpurge is a quack.SHERIFF: He may be terrible, and he may be a quack, but he’s all

we got.DR. PILLPURGE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Never fear! Pillpurge is here!SHERIFF: It’s the doctor!TOM: Great timing.DR. PILLPURGE: (ENTERS RIGHT. He is a scruffy-looking

character in a white medical smock and battered hat. Carries a carpetbag or suitcase for a medical bag. He’s a complete fraud.) I was promenading on the boardwalk when I encountered Otis Lackginger and Mayor Canary. They informed me of the situation. (He crosses to LUCY and drops his bag. He takes her wrist and checks her pulse with the aid of his pocket watch.)

What more can I tell ya?What more can I say?It’s the professional way! (Speaks.) Doctors?

HAGG: (Speaks.) Okay by me.DR. ABRACADABRA: (Speaks.) What have we got to lose?DR. PILLPURGE: (Speaks to SNAG.) You first.SNAG: (Speaks.) When a girl is not in good health, she must be sick.OTHER DOCTORS: (Speaks.) Agreed.SNAG: (Speaks.) Having previously examined the patient, I can

assure you she has chapped hands, aching muscles, and buzzing in her toes.

DR. ABRACADABRA: (Speaks.) I concur.DR. PILLPURGE: (Speaks.) I regurgitate.HAGG: (Speaks.) I second the motion.HEPZIBAH: (Impressed, speaks.) Such learned doctors.WIDOW: (Speaks.) Quacks.MAYOR: (Speaks.) They sure talk a good game.DR. ABRACADABRA: (Sings.)

It’s the professional way, an operation together,Even if we disagree on how to proceed.

HAGG: (Sings.) A rough incision up ’n’ down the body, whatever.With every scalpel in the pot, we’re bound to succeed.

SNAG: (Sings.) It’s the professional way to always stick together,No matter how the patient screams.

DOCTORS: (Sing.) What more can we tell ya?What more can we say?It’s the professional way!

SNAG: (Speaks.) The hair is growing, the eyes are seeing, and the ears are hearing.

DR. ABRACADABRA: (Speaks.) Check.DR. PILLPURGE: (Speaks.) Double check.HAGG: (Speaks.) Triple check.SNAG: (Speaks.) All of which means she has lost her voice.DR. ABRACADABRA: (Speaks.) Brilliant.DR. PILLPURGE: (Speaks.) Astounding.HAGG: (Speaks.) Add something extra to the bill.DR. ABRACADABRA: (Speaks.) I concur.DR. PILLPURGE: (Speaks.) I regurgitate.

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PREACHER: It’s an unusual case, Dr. Pillpurge. The girl has lost her voice.

DR. PILLPURGE: Child’s play! I can cure anything. Once, I cured a man who talked with a limp.

WIDOW: (Impressed.) Imagine.LESTER: How’s her pulse?DR. PILLPURGE: It’s about eleven-thirty. (To LUCY.) Stick out your

tongue. Open wide and say yippe-yi-o-ki-ay! (LUCY tries to say it, but before she can get it out, DR. PILLPURGE pries her mouth open with his hands. LUCY pants. DR. PILLPURGE gets a small lantern from his bag and holds it close to LUCY’S mouth.) Aha!

OTHERS: (Caught up in the examination.) Aha!DR. PILLPURGE: Hmmm.OTHERS: Hmmm. (Pause.)DR. PILLPURGE: Tsk, tsk.OTHERS: Tsk, tsk. (Pause.)DR. PILLPURGE: My, my.OTHERS: My, my. (Pause.)DR. PILLPURGE: I have now completed my diagnosis.LESTER: What’s wrong with her?DR. PILLPURGE: She has the clothing sickness.HEPZIBAH: Clothing sickness?DR. PILLPURGE: Her tongue has a coat and her breathing comes

in short pants.WIDOW: Gracious!SHERIFF: Now hold on a minute. Doctor, are you really an M.D.?DR. PILLPURGE: Medical delinquent, that’s me!LESTER: Let’s get out of here, Uncle. We’ve got to find a real doctor.

Dr. Pillpurge is a quack.DR. PILLPURGE: I heard that. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer. I

don’t allow anyone to cast petunias on my reputation.LESTER: No time to waste.SHERIFF: Let’s git, Nephew. (EXITS RIGHT followed by LESTER.)TOM: Wait for me! (EXITS RIGHT after them.)PREACHER: Don’t forget… I am also your friendly local undertaker.

The charge for a funeral is the same as for a wedding.WOMEN: E cept . Horr fied.) Funeral!?DR. PILLPURGE: I do not intend to lose this patient. I may have

to operate.

HEPZIBAH: I’m so upset about Lucy.DR. ABRACADABRA: Hmmmmm. Aha. Hmmmmmm.DR. PILLPURGE: (To DR. ABRACADABRA.) Who are you?DR. ABRACADABRA: Who are you?DR. PILLPURGE: I asked you first.DR. ABRACADABRA: Dr. Abracadabra.DR. PILLPURGE: Dr. Pillpurge.HAGG: Dr. Hagg.DR. PILLPURGE: You can’t be doctor. You must be nurse.HAGG: Nertz to you.DR. ABRACADABRA: (Motions HAGG and DR. PILLPURGE

close.) Doctors. Consultation. (The DOCTORS converse in stage whispers, not wishing to be overheard. OTHERS strain to hear the conversation.)

HAGG: Well?DR. ABRACADABRA: Doctors, there’s more at stake here than

our fee. We must consider the reputation of quackery. We must impress the yokels with our skills. Otherwise, they may turn to home remedies, and we’ll end up in the poorhouse.

HAGG: I’ve been there, and there’s nothing worth taking. (SNAG, looking like a cowpoke attracted by the commotion, ENTERS RIGHT.)

MAYOR: You, there.SNAG: Me, here?MAYOR: Get your brother. He’s needed.SNAG: You’re the mayor. (Crosses to the general store and EXITS

LEFT, only to RE-ENTER, as fast as possible, wearing the white medical smock. Joins the other DOCTORS.)

DR. ABRACADABRA: I suggest we split the fee. That way there’s something for everyone.

HAGG: Better a piece of something than a piece of nothing.DR. PILLPURGE: No matter what, I think we should all agree with the

diagnosis. It’s the professional way to do things. (MUSIC CUE 6: “The Professional Way.” Sings.)It’s the professional way to help a body in trouble,Even if we disagree jus’ what to prescribe.We cloak it all in secrecy and soak ’em for double.We’re not above accepting an occasional bribe.It’s the professional way to always stick together,No matter what the patient says.

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OTHERS: Operate?!DR. PILLPURGE: Never fear. At surgeons’ college, I graduated with

the highest temperature in my class. Besides, I always wear a mask when I operate.

WIDOW: For hygienic purposes?DR. PILLPURGE: No, so the patient won’t know who to blame.

(Dips into his bag and produces a machete or a very long knife. HEPZIBAH screams, throws up her hands in horror, and runs OFF nto the office. I O also screa s ho sts her lon s rt and runs OFF LEFT into the store.) What’s the matter with them?

PREACHER: Obviously, they can’t stand the sight of blood.DR. PILLPURGE: Neither can I. I always faint. (To BLOSSOM.) We

must get her upstairs.BLOSSOM: Yes, yes. (Helps the dazed LUCY to her feet, moves with

her to the stairs, and EXITS UP LEFT with her. DR. PILLPURGE returns the machete to the bag and follows them OUT as LIGHTS FADE OUT on the hotel. LIGHTS UP on the FORESTAGE to indicate a country road.)

SNAG: (From OFF LEFT.) Oh, what a plague it is to have a wife! You were lucky to get me.

MARJORIE: (From OFF.) What do you mean by “you’re lucky to get me”? (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT. She has a strong voice and is quarrelling with her young husband, SNAG. He’s a hillbilly type of cowboy.) You’re crude, lazy, and stupid. Oh, what a fool I was to marry a cowboy.

SNAG: (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT.) See here, Marjorie, who are you calling crude and lazy and stupid? Before I married you, you were nice.

MARJORIE: Before I married you, you promised me you’d get a good job and support me.

SNAG: Fooled you, didn’t I?MARJORIE: I should’ve married Dusty Rhodes.SNAG: Dusty Rhodes? He’s dead.MARJORIE: While he was alive, he worked.SNAG: I declare, your words could cut cowhide. You don’t deserve a

man like me.MARJORIE: I agree.SNAG: I’m warning you, Marjorie. If you don’t come home and clean

the house and cook my dinner, I’ll—MARJORIE: You’ll what?

HEPZIBAH: (Sees them.) Lucy, you’re up and about! Feeling better? (LUCY shakes her head “no,” waves her hand in front of her face to indicate she still can’t speak.) My poor, poor girl.

WIDOW: (ENTERS LEFT from the store.) Good news, Hepzibah.HEPZIBAH: I could use some.WIDOW: A wonderful new doctor has arrived in town.HEPZIBAH: Another doctor?LESTER: Town’s full of them.WIDOW: This doctor guarantees a cure.HEPZIBAH: Where is he?WIDOW: It’s not a “he.” It’s a “she.”HEPZIBAH/LESTER: A “she”?HEPZIBAH: Don’t sound legal.WIDOW: (Gestures LEFT.) Dr. Gypsy Hagg!HEPZIBAH: What an unusual name.HAGG: (ENTERS LEFT with the dress.) I spell that Hagg with two

g’s. (MAYOR ENTERS DOWN RIGHT from the dining room.)HEPZIBAH: (To MAYOR.) This is Dr. Hagg. She wants to cure Lucy.MAYOR: Nah, she’ll try to cure Lucy with mumbo-jumbo and garlic.HAGG: I know my skill. I can diagnose anything and anyone.MAYOR: You don’t say.BLOSSOM: (Runs ON RIGHT.) He’s here! He’s here!HEPZIBAH: Who’s here?BLOSSOM: The greatest doctor who ever lived, that’s who.OTHERS: Doctor Who?BLOSSOM: No. Dr. Abracadabra!OTHERS: Abracadabra?!DR. ABRACADABRA: (Zooms ON RIGHT.) At your service. Everyone

stick out your tongue. (OTHERS does.) Worse than I thought. It’s an epidemic. I charge extra for epidemics.

BLOSSOM: They ain’t the patient, Dr. Abracadabra. (Points to LUCY.) She is.

DR. ABRACADABRA: (Crosses to LUCY.) Help is on the way. (Moves LUCY’S head from side to side.) Hmmmm. Aha. Hmmmm. (Up to down.) Aha. Hmmmmmm.

DR. PILLPURGE: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying his medical bag.) Just as I thought. (To MAYOR.) You’re getting a second opinion.

HEPZIBAH: Lucy needs all the help she can get.DR. PILLPURGE: You might have told me. Common courtesy.

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SNAG: I’ll ask you again tomorrow.MARJORIE: When I think of all the men I could have married—SNAG: But you had half a mind to marry me.MARJORIE: That’s all I had—half a mind. I need a doctor to examine

my head.SNAG: You’re coming home with me.MARJORIE: I’m going to work in the Grease Gulch Hotel. From now

on, you can cook your own meals.SNAG: If that’s the way you’re going to treat your husband, I might

as well take a nap under that cottonwood tree. (Turns and EXITS DOWN LEFT.)

MARJORIE: (Furious, calls after him.) You’re a poor excuse for a husband! (Moves CENTER and talks to herself.) Oh, that man irritates me. I’m the one who has to go out and get a job while he naps! That’s all he ever does. Nap, nap, nap! Lazy man! Oh, if only I could find some way to get even with him.

LESTER: (ENTERS FORESTAGE RIGHT with SHERIFF.) I hope my Lucy gets her voice back.

SHERIFF: I think she was struck dumb on account of seeing Otis so close up.

MARJORIE: Morning.LESTER/SHERIFF: Morning, ma’am.MARJORIE: (Recognizes him.) You’re the sheriff over at Grease Gulch.SHERIFF: Yup.MARJORIE: I’m going to be working at the hotel.LESTER: We’d like to stop and talk, but we have to find a doctor.

They’re not easy to come by in this part of the country.SHERIFF: We was heading for the medicine show.MARJORIE: (A sudden thought.) Hmmm. I know where there’s a

wonderful doctor.LESTER/SHERIFF: You do?SHERIFF: Where?MARJORIE: (Indicates.) He’s taking a nap under that cottonwood tree.LESTER: What’s his name?MARJORIE: Snag. Dr. Snag.LESTER: You say he’s a wonderful doctor?MARJORIE: Works miracles.LESTER: Miracles?SHERIFF: Dr. Snag? I wonder why I haven’t heard of him before.

HEPZIBAH: Where have you been?MAYOR: Trying to keep Otis on the hook. He don’t like complications.

I sure hope he don’t die before the wedding. That way Lucy won’t be no legal widow and won’t collect a penny from his will. When Otis dies, we can all rest in peace.

HEPZIBAH: He should see a doctor.MAYOR: He don’t trust Pillpurge. Lucy talking yet?HEPZIBAH: Not so much as a whisper.MAYOR: That Dr. Snag is another quack, I suspect.HEPZIBAH: Give him time.MAYOR: Otis don’t have much time.HEPZIBAH: I’m not talking about Otis. I’m talking about Lucy.MAYOR: Maybe I left my spectacles in the office. (Marches OFF

nto the office. S A n h s ed cal s oc t ptoes O do n the stairs.) Hepzibah, you come help me look.

HEPZIBAH: Yes, Caesar. E I S nto office.)SNAG: (Moves CENTER, looks LEFT and RIGHT, afraid of being

overheard. Removes medical smock and tosses it OFF into the general store.) Goodbye to medicine. I’m going back to punching cows. o es RI H as A OR E ERS fro the office st ll with no glasses.)

MAYOR: (Squints.) That you, Tom Sawyer Huckleberry Finn Jones, Jr.?SNAG: Nope. Just a humble cowpoke. Gotta go, the cows are waiting

for me. (Runs OFF RIGHT.)MAYOR: Hmmm… Maybe I left my spectacles on the dining table.

(EXITS DOWN RIGHT to the dining room as LUCY creeps down the stairs. She carries a suitcase. LESTER is with her.)

LESTER: Hope this works.LUCY: Shhh! Don’t talk.LESTER: (Sotto voce.) Why didn’t you tell me it was all a trick?LUCY: There wasn’t time. (They move CENTER.)LESTER: How we going to elope without no one seeing us?LUCY: We’ll have to be extra careful.LESTER: Lucy, I sure do love you. (They embrace for a kiss when

HEPZIBAH E ERS fro the office.)HEPZIBAH: Can’t find those spectacles anywhere.LUCY: (Sotto voce, to LESTER.) Quick. Hide my suitcase. (LESTER

takes her suitcase and hides it behind the general store counter.)

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MARJORIE: Pretends he’s a lay-about. Very peculiar.LESTER: He’s not mad, is he?MARJORIE: A little bit. But they say all men of genius are slightly off

in the head.SHERIFF: That’s true. I knew a train conductor who wrote his brother

a letter every night.MARJORIE: What’s so strange about that?SHERIFF: He didn’t have a brother.MARJORIE: You’ll have to beat Snag to make him admit he’s a doctor.SHERIFF: Beat him?LESTER: Mighty peculiar.MARJORIE: But when he finally confesses he’s a doctor, the cures

are on the way. (Looks OFF DOWN LEFT.) Oops. He’s up. He’s coming this way. Remember what I said. A good beating. It’s the only way. o ers her outh to st e her lau h and hurr es OFF DOWN RIGHT.)

SHERIFF: What do you think, Nephew?LESTER: It’s worth a try.SNAG: (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT, singing a cappella.)

“Oh, don’t you remember sweet Betsy from Pike,Who crossed the big mountains with her lover Ike?”

LESTER: Grab him!SHERIFF: Right!SNAG: Hey! What’s this!? Stop!LESTER: Admit you’re a doctor! (Proceeds to punch SNAG. SHERIFF

joins in.)SNAG: Huh? What? Ow! Ouch!SHERIFF: Fess up! (More beating. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.])SNAG: Ow! Ouch! Help!LESTER: Admit you’re a doctor! Admit you’re a doctor!SNAG: Okay, okay. Anything! Only stop hitting me! (They stop.)LESTER: Doctor Snag, you’ve been highly recommended.SNAG: (Looks behind him.) Doctor Snag? You mean me?LESTER: If Snag’s your name.SNAG: It is.SHERIFF: Looks kinda young for a doc.LESTER: My sweetheart has lost her voice. She can’t speak. You

must cure her.SNAG: You think I’m a doctor? I’m not one. Never was. Never will be.

wearing enough cheap jewelry to open a boutique: kerchief on her head, big earrings, and a fringed shawl.)

WIDOW: Doctor?HAGG: That’s right. Dr. Gypsy Hagg—Hagg with two g’s.WIDOW: Gypsy Hagg. What rubbish!HAGG: I’m going to make a few bucks. What’s it to you? You got

something against gypsies?TOM: Ain’t she special?WIDOW: (Critical.) She certainly is. Where did you find her?HAGG: On the road. I travel from town to town, picking up information…

and “things.”WIDOW: Speaking of picking up, Tom, Mrs. Canary says you didn’t get

the luggage from the stagecoach.TOM: rosses to office.) Shucks, I’ve been too busy. (EXITS UP RIGHT.)AMANDA: (ENTERS RIGHT. A smartly dressed, intelligent young

woman. To WIDOW.) Are you the proprietor?WIDOW: I run the general store. Mrs. Canary runs the boardinghouse.

alls to office.) Hepzibah! Yoo-hoo, Hepzibah. Customer. (To AMANDA.) She’ll be here shortly.

AMANDA: Thank you. (WIDOW EXITS LEFT to the store.)HEPZIBAH: E ERS P RI H fro office and sees A A A.)

May I be of help?AMANDA: I will require lodging.HEPZIBAH: (Steps behind the desk, opens the registration book and

takes a pen.) Name?AMANDA: Miss Amanda Flimflam of Denver. Attorney-at-law.HEPZIBAH: A female lawyer! My, my. What next?TOM: E ERS fro the office u bl n .) Get the luggage, get the

luggage! Work, work, work! (EXITS RIGHT.)HEPZIBAH: Will you be staying long?AMANDA: Depends. Is the dining room open?HEPZIBAH: (Indicates location.) Yes. We’re famous for our cutlery.AMANDA: My travelling bags are at the depot.HEPZIBAH: Tom will get them. (AMANDA EXITS DOWN RIGHT to

the dining room.)MAYOR: (ENTERS RIGHT. He isn’t wearing his glasses. Squints.)

Who’s behind the registration desk? Is that you, Hepzibah?HEPZIBAH: Who were you expecting to find?MAYOR: I lost my glasses again. Can’t see a thing. I should make an

appointment with an octopus.

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LESTER: (To SHERIFF.) She said he was off in the head.SHERIFF: Likes to play stubborn.LESTER: What’ll we do?SHERIFF: Let’s give it another try.LESTER: Good idea.SHERIFF: Only this time, hit harder. (He and LESTER are about to

hit poor SNAG again.)SNAG: (Throws up his arms to protect himself.) Okay, okay, no more

games. I am a doctor. I am Dr. Snag!SHERIFF: That’s better.SNAG: Not only am I a doctor, I’m a surgeon and druggist, too. Satisfied?LESTER: You’ve got to come with us.SNAG: Where to?SHERIFF: Grease Gulch. You’ll be paid a fee, of course.SNAG: Money?SHERIFF: Yup. Money.LESTER: The patient’s father will pay a handsome sum for a cure.SNAG: (With great dignity.) In that case, gentlemen, lead me to

my patient.LESTER: Sweet Lucy Canary. (They EXIT FORESTAGE RIGHT.

LIGHTS FADE OUT on the FORESTAGE and FADE UP on the hotel. WIDOW ENTERS LEFT from the general store with some merchandise as TOM runs ON RIGHT from the street.)

TOM: They back yet?WIDOW: Not yet.TOM: How’s Lucy?WIDOW: Resting. Dr. Pillpurge gave her some pills. Which reminds

me, I’ve got to get Otis’s worm eradicator packed up.TOM: Golly! Some excitement. (Sits at table and fools with cards.

WIDOW EXITS to the general store.)BLOSSOM: (ENTERS UP LEFT.) Pssst. Tom.TOM: (Notices.) Blossom? Where’s the quack?BLOSSOM: (Sits at table.) Never mind about Pillpurge. It’s up to us.TOM: Huh?BLOSSOM: Lucy’s counting on us.TOM: I hope you know what you’re talking about, because I don’t.BLOSSOM: There’s nothing the matter with Lucy. She’s only

pretending to be sick in order to stop the wedding.TOM: I always said Lucy was one smart one.

MARJORIE: How should I know? People running in and out. Complaining about being unwell. It’s bad for business.

TOM: I’m going to solve Lucy’s dilemma.WIDOW: (Dubious.) You are, huh?TOM: Lucy hasn’t lost her voice. She ain’t really sick.WIDOW: I figured that out for myself. However, since that awful Dr.

Snag and that awful Dr. Pillpurge have been treating her, she’s in terrible shape. I wouldn’t let either one of them within ten feet of me.

TOM: I found someone who knows all about love and such. Doctoring, too. Going to tell the mayor that Lucy won’t get her voice back until she marries the man she loves.

WIDOW: Where is this new doctor?TOM: Outside.WIDOW: Let’s get a look at him. Fetch him in.TOM: I’m fetching! (Runs OFF RIGHT. MISS STRICT ENTERS

DOWN RIGHT from the dining room, trailed by her PUPILS. Because of her toothache, ALBERTA has a bandana or kerchief wrapped under her chin and tied atop her head.)

WIDOW: Ah, Miss Strict. I hope you’re enjoying your stay in Grease Gulch.MISS STRICT: Hardly. Besides, the town has no fossils.WIDOW: You haven’t met Otis Lackginger. Did you enjoy your lunch?MISS STRICT: (Snide.) It was the best water soup I ever tasted.CASSANDRA: Was that soup? Tasted like the cook took a bath in it.TALLULAH: The lamb chops tasted like dog chops.WIDOW: I’ve never eaten a dog chop, so I wouldn’t know.CASSANDRA: How often do you hold bedbug races?MISS STRICT: Cassandra, mind your manners. I trust those wretched

doctors aren’t around?WIDOW: Haven’t seen them.MISS STRICT: They’re a menace to public safety.ALBERTA: Oooooow. My tooth hurts. I want a painless dentist.TALLULAH: There’s no such thing as a painless dentist. When you

bite one, he yells.MISS STRICT: Upstairs, girls.PUPILS: Yes, Miss Strict. Whatever you say, Miss Strict. (MISS

STRICT marches the PUPILS OUT UP LEFT.)TOM: (Runs ON RIGHT. Calls OFF RIGHT.) Come on in, Dr. Hagg.

(Slight pause, then DR. HAGG ENTERS RIGHT. She’s a gypsy,

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BLOSSOM: But the minute she’s “cured,” the wedding will be back on.

TOM: No escape, huh?BLOSSOM: Ah, there is. (MUSIC CUE 4: “Love Is the Best Dang

Doctor.” Speaks.) Lucy thought up the perfect solution. Find a doctor who will say true love is the cure. Love is the best dang doctor. (Sings.) Love is the best dang doctor.Love is the secret fer sure.Love is a pill fer what ails ya.Yes, love is one heck of a cure!Now, when yer lonely, oh, so lonely,Feelin’ lost and confused,Just cling to yer sweetheart real tight.Tell him yer problems, jus’ tell him yer woes,And somehow he’ll make things all right.Love is the best dang doctor.Love is the secret fer sure.Love is the stuff dreams are made of.Yes, love is one heck of a cure!

TOM: (Sings.) Now when yer troubled, oh, so troubled,’Cuz you can’t make ends meet,And it looks like you might lose the farm.Just turn to yer partner and hold her real close,And somehow she’ll keep you from harm.

BLOSSOM/TOM: (Sing.) Love is the best dang doctor.Love is the secret fer sure.Love is a pill fer what ails ya.

BLOSSOM: (Sings.) Yes, love is a heck of a cure!TOM: (Sings.) Love is a heck of a cure.BLOSSOM/TOM: (Sing.) Yes, love is a heck of a cure! (MUSIC OUT.)TOM: I get it. She loves Lester. He’s the cure.BLOSSOM: Exactly.TOM: (Grim thought.) Only where are we going to find that doctor?BLOSSOM: Doesn’t have to be a real doctor. Just someone who

pretends real good. I’ll look for one, and you look for one. One of us is bound to come up with something.

MISS STRICT: (From OFF RIGHT.) Stay together, girls. No talking. Stomachs in, chins out.

ALBERTA/CASSANDRA/TALLULAH: (From OFF RIGHT.) Yes, Miss Strict. Whatever you say, Miss Strict.

PRINCESS: You’ve been saying that for weeks.DR. ABRACADABRA: (Desperate.) Business has to get better.PRINCESS: It couldn’t get much worse. Maybe you’re putting too

much swamp water in the liniment.DR. ABRACADABRA: Taste it and see.PRINCESS: Are you crazy? A person could die drinking that stuff.

Besides, no one believes I’m a hundred thirty-two.DR. ABRACADABRA: (Notices BLOSSOM.) Quiet.PRINCESS: What’s the matter?DR. ABRACADABRA: (Indicates.) See that girl over there?PRINCESS: (Looks.) What about her?DR. ABRACADABRA: She’s staring. (To BLOSSOM.) If you’re

looking for a job, forget it. This medicine show is broke. If a trip around the world cost two bits, I couldn’t get as far as the next town. (NOTE: Or substitute name of nearby town or city.)

BLOSSOM: This could be your lucky day. I need your help, Dr. Abracadabra. Or, rather, my friend does. She’s pretending to be ill, but she isn’t. If you tell her father that love’s the only cure, you’ll be handsomely rewarded.

DR. ABRACADABRA: Rewarded? You mean as in money? Currency? Moolah?

BLOSSOM: Yes. What do you say?DR. ABRACADABRA: When money talks, I listen. You couldn’t have

come at a better time. Where is the patient?BLOSSOM: This way. (EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT, followed by DR.

ABRACADABRA. PRINCESS removes the “Medicine Show” sign and EXITS . CURTAIN RISES. WIDOW cleans her shelves with a feather duster. MARJORIE, now wearing an apron, comes from the dining room DOWN RIGHT with a tray and clears the table of a cup and saucer.)

WIDOW: Ah, Marjorie. How are you getting on?MARJORIE: Beats hunger.WIDOW: You look fairly nice in that apron and cap.MARJORIE: I don’t know when I can pay you for them.WIDOW: Take all the time you want. Shall we say this afternoon by

four o’clock?MARJORIE: We can say it, but that don’t mean it’s going to happen.

(EXITS DOWN RIGHT into the dining room.)TOM: (Runs IN RIGHT from street.) I’m so excited I may have a

stroke! Where’s Blossom?

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TOM: What’s that?BLOSSOM: Could be the mayor. (Points LEFT.) Quick! Out through

the general store. (She and TOM dart OFF LEFT. MISS STRICT, a prim and proper schoolmarm, ENTERS RIGHT trailed by ALBERTA, CASSANDRA, and TALLULAH. [NOTE: Extra PUPILS can be added if desired.] The PUPILS follow teacher like ducklings following a feathered mother. PUPILS stand RIGHT while MISS STRICT marches to the registration desk and slaps her hand to the wood to get attention.)

MISS STRICT: Landlord! Landlord! (NOTE: MISS STRICT might carry a hand bell in her bag. She produces it and gives it a good shake, as if she were calling pupils in from the school yard.)

ALBERTA: I am so tired, Miss Strict.CASSANDRA: That stagecoach was bumpy.MISS STRICT: The stagecoach wasn’t bumpy, Cassandra. The road

was bumpy.TALLULAH: I’m starving.MISS STRICT: A lady never starves, Tallulah. She may wish for a bit

of this or that, but she never starves. Understand, girls?PUPILS: Yes, Miss Strict. Whatever you say, Miss Strict.HEPZIBAH: E ERS P RI H fro the office and suppresses a

sob.) Morning.MISS STRICT: You are the landlady?HEPZIBAH: I run the hotel with my husband. He’s the mayor of

Grease Gulch. My name is Hepzibah Canary. (Another sob.)MISS STRICT: I am Miss Strict. A teacher. These girls are my pupils.

(Indicates PUPILS. Each girl curtsies when her name is called.) Alberta, Cassandra, Tallulah. As part of their education, they are touring the West and studying fossils.

HEPZIBAH: Hello, girls.PUPILS: Hello, Mrs. Canary.MISS STRICT: Is your dining room open?HEPZIBAH: Shortly.MISS STRICT: I will require a single room for myself and the young

ladies can share another.HEPZIBAH: Do you want the weekly rate?MISS STRICT: What is the weekly rate?HEPZIBAH: I don’t know. No one has ever stayed a week.MISS STRICT: Are the rooms quiet?HEPZIBAH: They never make a sound. (PUPILS giggle.)

PRINCESS/WOMEN: (Sing.)There’s gonna be a medicine show today.Hurry, hurry! Come on, don’t be late!(The following two verses are sung as a duet.)

DR. ABRACADABRA/MEN: (Sing.)One dollar, one dollar gonna buy you one!Two dollar, two dollar gonna buy you two!Three dollar, three dollar gonna buy you four!Step right up, ’cuz we got more!

PRINCESS/WOMEN: (Sing.)There’s gonna be a medicine show today.This miracle of miracles won’t wait!

ALL: (Sing.) There’s gonna be a medicine show, medicine show, Medicine show today! (Shout.) Today! (MUSIC OUT.)

DR. ABRACADABRA: Now, for your entertainment, Princess Falling Star of Chattanooga will delight you with her swift feet. I give you Princess Falling Star. (Gestures as CITIZENS applaud. PRINCESS slaps the drum and dances a few silly steps.) That’s enough. (She stops and frowns.) Thank you, Princess. To look at her, you’d hardly know she’s 132 years old. (CITIZENS gasp.) But thanks to— (Picks up a bottle.) —Dr. Abracadabra’s Nerve and Bone Liniment, her youth has been restored!

PRINCESS: (Deadpan.) I live again.DR. ABRACADABRA: Whatever be your troubles, this cure will find

them out!PRINCESS: He guarantees a cure to every woman, every man.BOTH: Dr. Abracadabra’s Nerve and Bone Liniment! (DR.

ABRACADABRA hands his bottle to PRINCESS, and he takes another. They move to the edge of the STAGE, hawking their wares. Disinterested, CITIZENS wander OFF. BLOSSOM stays.)

DR. ABRACADABRA: How about you, sir? One dollar a bottle. Who’ll buy, who’ll buy? Don’t be shy.

PRINCESS: How about you, lady? Never grow old. Say goodbye to warts, loss of appetite, and weak joints.

DR. ABRACADABRA: Mix it with flour and bake a cake.PRINCESS: Excellent for washing windows and polishing oil lamps.DR. ABRACADABRA: Gets rid of fleas.PRINCESS: Will stop a sneeze. (Dejected.) Ah, what’s the use,

Abracadabra? No one wants the liniment. And yesterday all we sold was one bottle of Liquid Beef Tonic.

DR. ABRACADABRA: Business is bound to improve.

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MISS STRICT: (Frowns.) Are you trying to be funny, Mrs. Canary?HEPZIBAH: (Sob.) Forgive me, I’m not myself. My daughter is unwell

and had to postpone her wedding.ALBERTA: I’m not feeling too well myself, Miss Strict. I have an

awful toothache.CASSANDRA: I have a tummy ache.TALLULAH: I have a headache.MISS STRICT: Is there a doctor in the house?HEPZIBAH: Dr. Pillpurge. He’s in and out.MISS STRICT: I shall wish to consult with him.HEPZIBAH: Toothache, tummy ache, headache. I’ll tell him.MISS STRICT: Please do. Now, we should like to go to our rooms.HEPZIBAH: Rooms 101 and 102. Top of the stairs.MISS STRICT: Please have someone get our luggage from the stage.HEPZIBAH: I’ll send Tom Sawyer Huckleberry Finn Jones.PUPILS: (Laugh.) Tom Sawyer Huckleberry Finn Jones? Ha, ha, ha!HEPZIBAH: Junior.PUPILS: Junior?! Ha, ha, ha!MISS STRICT: Cease!PUPILS: Yes, Miss Strict.MISS STRICT: Upstairs. No talking. March.PUPILS: Yes, Miss Strict. Whatever you say, Miss Strict. (Dutifully,

PUPILS march OUT UP LEFT. Head high, MISS STRICT follows them OFF.)

SNAG: (Shoved ON RIGHT by LESTER and SHERIFF.) Easy! Take it easy. There’s no need to shove.

LESTER: Look what we found, Mrs. Canary.HEPZIBAH: Who is it?SHERIFF: He’s a doctor who can work miracles.HEPZIBAH: A miracle doctor!LESTER: Dr. Snag.HEPZIBAH: I never heard of a Dr. Snag.SHERIFF: (Shoves SNAG CENTER.) He’s eccentric.LESTER: Odd, too. (WIDOW ENTERS LEFT from the store and

stands behind counter, curious about the new arrival.)HEPZIBAH: Look, Widow, Lester and his uncle have found a wonderful

doctor. He can work miracles. Lucy is saved! (Comes from behind the registration desk.)

PRINCESS: (Sings.) This miracle of miracles won’t wait! (To a man.)Now, friend, you’re lookin’ thin.And what’s that on yer skin?Looks like the beginnin’s of a big ol’ rash!

DR. ABRACADABRA: (Sings.) Before it starts to spread,You better use yer head.We’re easy to accommodate, just bring yer cash!One dollar, one dollar gonna buy you one!Two dollar, two dollar gonna buy you two!Three dollar, three dollar gonna buy you four!Step right up, ’cuz we got more!

CITIZENS: (Sing.) One dollar, one dollar gonna buy you one!DR. ABRACADABRA/CITIZENS: (Sing.)

Two dollar, two dollar gonna buy you two!Three dollar, three dollar gonna buy you four!

DR. ABRACADABRA: (Sings.) Step right up, ‘cuz we got more! (The following two verses are sung as a duet.)

DR. ABRACADABRA/MEN: (Sing.)One dollar, one dollar gonna buy you one!Two dollar, two dollar gonna buy you two!Three dollar, three dollar gonna buy you four!Step right up, ‘cuz we got more!

PRINCESS/WOMEN: (Sings.)There’s gonna be a medicine show today.Hurry, hurry! Come on, gather ’round!(The following two verses are sung as a duet.)

DR. ABRACADABRA/MEN: (Sing.)One dollar, one dollar gonna buy you one!Two dollar, two dollar gonna buy you two!Three dollar, three dollar gonna buy you four!Step right up, ’cuz we got more!

PRINCESS/WOMEN: (Sing.) There’s gonna be a medicine show today.We’ll mesmerize, dazzle, and astound!(The following two verses are sung as a duet.)

DR. ABRACADABRA/MEN: (Sing.)One dollar, one dollar gonna buy you one!Two dollar, two dollar gonna buy you two!Three dollar, three dollar gonna buy you four!Step right up, ’cuz we got more!

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WIDOW: He doesn’t look like a doctor to me. He looks like a saddletramp.SNAG: (Offended.) I didn’t get dragged all this way to be insulted.WIDOW: Doctor, let me show you something I know you’re going

to like.SNAG: The fire escape?WIDOW: (Drops behind the counter and comes up with a white

medical smock, which she holds up.) Your size, I can tell.SNAG: I’ll take it.WIDOW: (Crosses and helps him into the smock. It’s much too big.)

Perfect fit. Three dollars.SNAG: Bill it to the patient.WIDOW: I like him. He’ll be good for business. (Crosses back behind

the counter.)HEPZIBAH: Dr. Snag, my daughter has lost her voice.SNAG: Unquestionably, it’s post-mortem laryngitis. Maybe even

tonsil fatigue.HEPZIBAH: Is that bad?SNAG: I wouldn’t know. I’m a specialist.HEPZIBAH: Find a cure, and my husband will pay you handsomely.SNAG: I’d rather be paid promptly.LESTER: No tricks, Dr. Snag. Otherwise— a es a fist.)SNAG: No trick, no tricks. Where’s my patient?HEPZIBAH: I’ll get her, Doctor. (Runs OFF UP LEFT.)WIDOW: Doctor, have you ever been troubled by diphtheria?SNAG: Only when I try to spell it.WIDOW: What college did you attend?SNAG: I am a graduate of the College of Heartburn and Boyle.MAYOR: (Storms ON RIGHT from street.) What’s going on?WIDOW: Mayor! Wonderful news!MAYOR: Lucy’s got her voice back? She ran off with Otis? Eloped?SHERIFF: Mayor, you know Otis Lackginger can’t run nowhere. He’d

come in last at a turtle race.LESTER: You’re going to thank me, Mayor.MAYOR: I’ll thank you to get out my hotel and stay out. (Sees SNAG.)

Who’s the runt in the white coat?WIDOW: He’s a famous doctor.MAYOR: Doctor?SNAG: (Throwing himself into his role as “doctor.”) Sir, you would

do well to put yo