By the Light of the Silvery Moon - Inside a Schizophrenic Mind

8/10/2019 By the Light of the Silvery Moon - Inside a Schizophrenic Mind

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About the Author

Paranoid schizophrenia could afflict anyone. Could beanyone. A disease that happened to her in late 20s, due to

certain life choices.

Recreational drugs. Relationship deaths and self-

destruction.


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Dedication

I dedicate this book to all the fellow sufferers out there.

Keep fighting. And also to my family who have blundered

their way through supporting me and my son, with little or

no guidance, but always with love.


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nonymous

B Y T H E L I G H T O F T H E

S I L V E R Y

M O O N

I N S I D E

S C H I Z O P H R E N I C

M I N D


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Copyright Anonymous

The right of Anonymous to be identified as author of this work

has been asserted by her in accordance with section 77 and 78 of

the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may bereproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any

form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,

recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the

publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relation to thispublication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims

for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British

Library.

ISBN 978 1 84963 944 6

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published (2014)

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd.

25 Canada Square

Canary WharfLondon

E14 5LB

Printed and bound in Great Britain


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Acknowledgments

My love for my long suffering son.


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Introduction

I have several dilemmas with writing this book. Perhaps the

most important reason for wanting to publish this book is tohopefully challenge the common opinion that all peoplewith schizophrenia are raging murderers and dangerous

people. And so are people to be wary of, even scared of and

people to protect yourselves from.

However, I continue. Another dilemma I have is that sofew people around me know of the true extent of my illness,

i.e. that I'm paranoid schizophrenic. This has been a

deliberate act by me in order to protect those most dear to

me, in particular my son. He knows my status. I have been

open and honest with him. But I am all too aware how crueladults and especially children can be. I don't want my son to

find himself in a position where he might be forced tocontinually defend his mum from verbal attacks. Growing

up is hard enough these days without having a paranoid

schizophrenic for mum. So I will probably wait to publish

this book until my son is old enough to deal with any fall

out it may cause or write under a pseudonym.I also have a need to be honest with all my friends and

neighbours about my illness. I have had to lie for so long. Itwould feel so good to finally tell them the truth. Even at the

risk of losing a few of them as friends. Not everyone is so

understanding unfortunately.


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First Chapter

Oh, to be wellthe early years

My life started normally enough: Regular childhood;Happy/sad, carefree pretty much. Sheltered.

We moved around a lot as kids for no particular reason

other than Dad got bored. I think these genes passed ontome, as I was eager as a 17 year old to travel to London and

join a performing arts school in Leicester Square. I droppedout of this after one year and ended up doing office work for

Warner Bros. in Wardour Street.After a few months I was bored again and one day saw

an advert for dancers for the circus! Thats mine I thought,

and after an audition I joined Chipperfields Bros. Circus asa dancer, on a tour of the UK. I promptly got myself

involved with the lion tamer and even had a go at it myself,what a buzz! The lions were pussycats in my hands! Welater went on a tour of Asia with the Chinese State Circus, I

danced and he was ringmaster. After 8 months of this,seeing Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, I returned

home to the UK, back to Mum and Dads.

I had been home five minutes when I was literally sweptoff my feet by an Italian delicatessen owner in the localdisco. He fast became the love of my life: My beautifulItalian man. But, and you know there would be, after only a

year and half, he "needed his space" and I was promptly

dumped.

That was the beginning of the end of my sanity. Aged

24.


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Second Chapter

Sinking Ship

On a downward spiral I was targeted by this man who hasruined my life as I knew it. Imnot even gonna flatter hisvery large ego by telling you his name, other than to say

devil by name, devil by nature. (He will be known as 'Crow'from now on). I had observed him from a distance in our

little circle of friends and I knew full well what I wasgetting involved with, on a naive level that is. I had never

fallen for the bastards of this world before. This was my

first.Although your mummy warns you of these types of

men. We subsequently got involved and I filled my life with

drugs supplied by him, the usual mix of weed, skunk,cannabis, speed, cocaine, e's, acid, mushrooms: Mind-

blowing shit. It was fun and exciting at first; just what I

needed to lose myself at that time. We would travel to all

sorts of places for raves, get drugged up and dance the nightaway. Drugs. Raves. Paganism. All mixed up together in

our little circle of friends in flat England. Which led to

anxiety, paranoia, and panic attacks starting to surface theirugly heads. At the same time I was just coming out of my

shell, interested in all things spiritual, trying to make senseof it all. He did nothing to help me with these symptoms. I

despaired and ended up at the doctors for some

antidepressants. I only took them for a week or two.Ironically I didn't like popping pills!

The most important factor at this time that I didn'trealise was that I was gradually being programmed,

groomed and conditioned by my partner, links and

associations being subtly made by him.


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It was mental abuse.Basically fear was driven into me when I was at my

most sensitive and vulnerable. And even in later life I would

relive the full repercussions of this.


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Third Chapter

Lost Soul

Ours was a turbulent relationship which ended in 1996. Imoved back only to discover a month later that I waspregnant. It was a difficult time, with a lot of toing and

froing. Eventually I settled on my own and was in labour for2 days before eventually giving birth to a beautiful baby

boy. (He will be known as Babe from now on). After thelong and arduous birth, I was shell-shocked but completely

happy with my new baby. Crow came to see his son for a

week and made a few visits after that in my new home inTotnes.

One visit he brought drugs which I freely smoked and

suddenly all the old fears came flooding back, leading to afrightful night when Babe was 9 months old, when I slipped

into a psychosis. I was unaware of becoming aware.I drove into the night to my sisters house with my baby

to get help. I remember asking for a bible as I had forgottenthe Lordsprayer and knew that I needed to recite it. Over

and over I recited this prayerlooking and hoping for some

salvation and peace. Mum and Dad turned up in themorning to help. They took me home to theirs. The doctor

came round. I was given calmers, diazepam and sleepingpills I think, and booked in to see the psychiatrist. Hours of

talking ensued. All the associations of the past came back to

haunt me. Crow was a big factor in this. They agreed I hadbeen mentally and emotionally abused by Babe's father and

diagnosed me with post-natal psychosis. Six monthsfollowed during which time Babe and I lived with Mum and

Dad. I was prescribed an antipsychotic drug and told that I'd

had an acute episode.


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Fourth Chapter

Chink of Light

After this time we moved into our own little flat down theroad, where we had a peaceful and happy time apart from

the occasional visits from 'scumbag', as my Dad called him,

to see his son, which upset both me and Babe. Gradually Igot more control of this situation and I arranged his visits

instead of him telling me when he would visit. I put onweight because of the medication, which upset me and I

shied away from social situations as much as I could. I dideverything for Babe, however, going to mum and toddlergroups, trips out with Homestart. I had few friends but was

happy with just me and my son. I had regular visits to thepsychiatrist to talk, adjust meds and assess our needs.

After two years things were settled and New YearsEve2000 came and went, which we celebrated with family inthe village.

The following year I felt the need to start to reduce mymeds with the psychiatrists help, with the idea to come off

them altogether. We did this over a relatively short period

of time with a locum psychiatrist. This was a mistake and Ibecame unwell for a second time. Nave and in my shell.Again I slipped into an acute psychosis and this time Iinsisted to mum that I wanted to go into hospital. Mum and

Dad had Babe.


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By the Light of the Silvery Moon - Inside a Schizophrenic Mind

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