Building Building Relationships Relationships

One Meeting at a TimeOne Meeting at a TimeLeading Collaborative Family-School Leading Collaborative Family-School

MeetingsMeetings

Kathleen Minke, Ph.D., NCSPKathleen Minke, Ph.D., NCSPJanuary 17, 2011January 17, 2011

Overview of SessionOverview of Session

Introduction to CORE Model of Introduction to CORE Model of CollaborationCollaboration

Pre-meeting preparationsPre-meeting preparations In-meeting communication and In-meeting communication and

decision-making skillsdecision-making skills Post-meeting follow upPost-meeting follow up

Why Focus on Meetings?Why Focus on Meetings?

Mandated interactionsMandated interactions

Opportunities for highlighting shared Opportunities for highlighting shared goal of child successgoal of child success

Why Focus on Why Focus on Relationships?Relationships?

Acknowledged or not, a relationship Acknowledged or not, a relationship ALWAYS exists between parents and ALWAYS exists between parents and practitioners practitioners (Pianta & Walsh, 1996)(Pianta & Walsh, 1996)

Good relationships serve as a strong Good relationships serve as a strong foundation for promoting child foundation for promoting child success and for problem-solving, success and for problem-solving, should difficulties ariseshould difficulties arise

What Do We Mean by What Do We Mean by Collaborative Relationships?Collaborative Relationships?

Parent Involvement Parent Involvement

OROR

Family-SchoolFamily-School

CollaborationCollaboration

What Do Collaborative What Do Collaborative (Trusting) Relationships Look (Trusting) Relationships Look

Like?Like? Respectfulness Respectfulness

Listening and clear communicationListening and clear communication Considering views of all when planningConsidering views of all when planning

CompetenceCompetence Doing what you say you will and doing it wellDoing what you say you will and doing it well

Personal regardPersonal regard Helping each other feel more comfortableHelping each other feel more comfortable

Integrity and commitmentIntegrity and commitment Doing what it takesDoing what it takes Acting in the best interest of othersActing in the best interest of others

Adams & Christenson, 2000; Bryk & Schneider, 2002

Why Are Collaborative Why Are Collaborative Relationships Hard to Develop?Relationships Hard to Develop?

These relationships are risky!These relationships are risky! Cultural and language Cultural and language

differencesdifferences Limits on time and trainingLimits on time and training

How Can Meetings Become How Can Meetings Become Relationship-building Relationship-building

Opportunities?Opportunities?

Practicing the CORE BeliefsPracticing the CORE Beliefs Careful preparationCareful preparation Effective communicationEffective communication Effective facilitation and decision-Effective facilitation and decision-

makingmaking Follow-up on all agreementsFollow-up on all agreements

The CORE Model of The CORE Model of CollaborationCollaboration

CConnectedonnected

OOptimisticptimistic

RRespectedespected

EEmpoweredmpowered

Overview of Skills/StrategiesOverview of Skills/StrategiesThe CORE Model of The CORE Model of

CollaborationCollaboration

TALKING DIFFERENTLY Communication Strategies

•THINKING DIFFERENTLY•Systems Theory

•BEHAVING DIFFERENTLY•Meeting structures

CORE Beliefs ActivityCORE Beliefs Activity

Review the list of the CORE beliefs. Review the list of the CORE beliefs. Mark one that you feel is MOST consistent with Mark one that you feel is MOST consistent with

your current practice.your current practice. Mark one that you feel is MOST challenging in Mark one that you feel is MOST challenging in

your work.your work. Working in pairs, discuss your selections Working in pairs, discuss your selections

with your partner. What makes the with your partner. What makes the challenging belief so challenging?challenging belief so challenging?

Brainstorm ways that you might “think Brainstorm ways that you might “think differently” to allow that belief to become differently” to allow that belief to become part of your work with families.part of your work with families.

Relationship-building Relationship-building MeetingsMeetings

Driven by a commitment to the CORE Driven by a commitment to the CORE beliefs and systemic thinkingbeliefs and systemic thinking

Characterized by good communication Characterized by good communication and decision-making strategiesand decision-making strategies

Recognize conflict and utilize it Recognize conflict and utilize it productivelyproductively

All parties leave with a clear All parties leave with a clear understanding of decisions and next stepsunderstanding of decisions and next steps

Preparation for a Preparation for a Relationship-building Relationship-building

MeetingMeeting

Putting the Beliefs to WorkPutting the Beliefs to Work

Preparation…Preparation… Some specific considerationsSome specific considerations

InvitationsInvitations Participants Participants Agenda Agenda Preparation questionsPreparation questions

EnvironmentEnvironment

Invitation should include Invitation should include preparation questionspreparation questions

What two or three things are you What two or three things are you most proud of that [child’s name] has most proud of that [child’s name] has accomplished this year?accomplished this year?

What are your hopes for the rest of What are your hopes for the rest of this year? What are two or three this year? What are two or three things you want [child’s name] to things you want [child’s name] to accomplish?accomplish?

What questions do you want to have What questions do you want to have answered in this meeting?answered in this meeting?

Preparation QuestionsPreparation Questions

What if no one asks me to prepare?What if no one asks me to prepare?

Ask how you should prepareAsk how you should prepare

Come in with a list of your child’s Come in with a list of your child’s accomplishments, next steps, and accomplishments, next steps, and questions to askquestions to ask

Preparing the EnvironmentPreparing the Environment

How can a welcoming, positive How can a welcoming, positive atmosphere be created?atmosphere be created? Sufficient numbers of adult-sized chairsSufficient numbers of adult-sized chairs Enough room to move comfortablyEnough room to move comfortably Comfortable temperature, lighting and Comfortable temperature, lighting and

noise levelnoise level Neutral locationNeutral location Simple refreshmentsSimple refreshments

During the During the MeetingMeetingGetting Getting StartedStarted

Getting StartedGetting Started Greet every person by nameGreet every person by name Thank them for coming (or Thank them for coming (or

otherwise make friendly contact)otherwise make friendly contact) Overview the meetingOverview the meeting

Agenda (goals and expected Agenda (goals and expected outcomes)outcomes)

Time available (consider including Time available (consider including timelines for meeting components)timelines for meeting components)

Reminders of how the meeting will Reminders of how the meeting will be conducted (aka ground rules)be conducted (aka ground rules)

Getting StartedGetting Started

Consider use of a “parking lot”Consider use of a “parking lot” Large flip chart, visible to all participantsLarge flip chart, visible to all participants If a topic is brought up that is outside of If a topic is brought up that is outside of

the meeting agenda, facilitator asks the meeting agenda, facilitator asks permission to “park” itpermission to “park” it

Time must be on agenda to address Time must be on agenda to address parking lot issues at the end of the parking lot issues at the end of the meetingmeeting

During the During the MeetingMeeting

Communication Communication StrategiesStrategies

Communication: Listening Communication: Listening EffectivelyEffectively

Adopt the “Ambassador” Mind-setAdopt the “Ambassador” Mind-set maintain an open mindmaintain an open mind ask questions and listen carefullyask questions and listen carefully assume others know more than youassume others know more than you expect and respect differencesexpect and respect differences help others pursue their own goalshelp others pursue their own goals always curious, often confusedalways curious, often confused

Adapted from Murphy (2008)Adapted from Murphy (2008)

Communication: Listening Communication: Listening EffectivelyEffectively

Question Starters from the Question Starters from the Ambassador’s PerspectiveAmbassador’s Perspective

I’m wondering if….I’m wondering if…. Could it be….Could it be…. Is it possible that….Is it possible that…. Help me understand how….Help me understand how…. Let me make sure I understand…Let me make sure I understand…

Communication: Listening Communication: Listening EffectivelyEffectively

Use empathic responding to help Use empathic responding to help the other feel understoodthe other feel understood Restates the main messageRestates the main message Includes feelings expressed or Includes feelings expressed or

implied by the speakerimplied by the speaker Brief Brief Does not include your point of viewDoes not include your point of view Invites the other to keep talkingInvites the other to keep talking

Build Empathic ResponsesBuild Empathic Responses Main content (what the person said or Main content (what the person said or

implied): ____________________implied): ____________________

Affect/Feelings (stated or implied):Affect/Feelings (stated or implied):__________________________________________

Combine content and affect into brief Combine content and affect into brief response (paraphrase):response (paraphrase):

____________________________________________ Add “checkout” (Is that right?), if needed Add “checkout” (Is that right?), if needed

(invite the other to keep talking)(invite the other to keep talking)

Empathic RespondingEmpathic Responding

An example:An example: Parent:Parent: “My daughter can’t read “My daughter can’t read

anything! Why is reading so hard for anything! Why is reading so hard for her???”her???”

Empathic response from teacher:Empathic response from teacher: “You “You are very worried about Anna’s progress. are very worried about Anna’s progress. [Pause.] Tell me more about what you [Pause.] Tell me more about what you are seeing with reading.”are seeing with reading.”

Teacher speaking to parent: Teacher speaking to parent:

Your son, Jamal, is not making Your son, Jamal, is not making much progress in reading. He is much progress in reading. He is probably going to have great probably going to have great difficulty in achieving the difficulty in achieving the reading benchmark on the DSTP reading benchmark on the DSTP this year.this year.

What might the listener be thinking???

Create a ResponseCreate a Response

Think carefully about the thoughts Think carefully about the thoughts and feelings the individual just stated and feelings the individual just stated or implied.or implied.

Try to put yourself in their shoes in Try to put yourself in their shoes in order to understand the core order to understand the core message.message.

Check to see if you are correct. Check to see if you are correct. •

Possible Response…Possible Response…

You are worried because Jamal is not You are worried because Jamal is not doing as well in reading as you think he doing as well in reading as you think he should be. Is that right? [allow response]should be. Is that right? [allow response]

Please help me understand what you Please help me understand what you mean by benchmarks and DSTP scores.mean by benchmarks and DSTP scores.

Communication: Speaking Communication: Speaking EffectivelyEffectively

Conversation Stoppers to avoidConversation Stoppers to avoid LabelingLabeling – –

• behavioral adjectives (e.g., lazy, mean)behavioral adjectives (e.g., lazy, mean)• Describe actual behaviorDescribe actual behavior

• diagnoses (e.g., ADHD, LD)diagnoses (e.g., ADHD, LD)• Do not make child a diagnosisDo not make child a diagnosis

Jargon-Jargon- eliminate the “ABCs of Education”eliminate the “ABCs of Education” ““The IST discussed the DIBELS data and The IST discussed the DIBELS data and

decided to continue RTI at Tier 3 for the next decided to continue RTI at Tier 3 for the next MP. If that doesn’t work, an IEP and SCC might MP. If that doesn’t work, an IEP and SCC might be needed because JT is LDbe needed because JT is LD..””

Laundry lists of problemsLaundry lists of problems Leading (Leading (“I think you meant to say…”)“I think you meant to say…”)

Communication: Speaking Communication: Speaking EffectivelyEffectively

Strategies to use to model Strategies to use to model collaboration:collaboration: Validate others’ feelings & views through Validate others’ feelings & views through

empathic respondingempathic responding Seek related informationSeek related information

More details on the problemMore details on the problem Past solution attempts and their effectivenessPast solution attempts and their effectiveness Ideas considered but not yet triedIdeas considered but not yet tried

Give related information in a tentative Give related information in a tentative way (Some families I know…)way (Some families I know…)

Be specific and clearBe specific and clear

Communication: Communication: Speaking EffectivelySpeaking Effectively

First commandment of collaboration-First commandment of collaboration-

Ask before you answer!!!Ask before you answer!!!Solicit the other participants’ Solicit the other participants’

ideas before offering your ideas ideas before offering your ideas Do this even when you have valuable Do this even when you have valuable

suggestions. suggestions.

Why? A solution may emerge from the Why? A solution may emerge from the group, optimizing chances for mutual group, optimizing chances for mutual investment in change.investment in change.

““PRAY” for CollaborationPRAY” for Collaboration

PPauseause

RReflect & elicit more informationeflect & elicit more information

AAsk others’ for:sk others’ for: Opinions (have you noticed this Opinions (have you noticed this also?)also?)

Previously tried solutionsPreviously tried solutions Views on how those ideas workedViews on how those ideas worked Other ideas that might be triedOther ideas that might be tried ETC….ETC….

YYou offer your view and any necessary ou offer your view and any necessary supporting informationsupporting information

Communication: Delivering Communication: Delivering Difficult MessagesDifficult Messages Limit:Limit:

Choose no more than one or two negative pieces of Choose no more than one or two negative pieces of information to be delivered.information to be delivered. (Think about the most (Think about the most important pieces of information the parent needs important pieces of information the parent needs from the school.)from the school.).”.”

Be calm and “wondering” in your Be calm and “wondering” in your presentation.presentation.

Wondering, tentativeness, willingness to be wrong,Wondering, tentativeness, willingness to be wrong,

Be clear and specific.Be clear and specific. Cite observable Cite observable behaviors instead of judgments.behaviors instead of judgments.

““Johnny is unmotivated” vs. “Johnny seems to Johnny is unmotivated” vs. “Johnny seems to have a difficulty time getting started on his seat have a difficulty time getting started on his seat work- especially if it is math”work- especially if it is math”

Communication: Delivering Communication: Delivering Difficult MessagesDifficult Messages

Be brief and ask for reaction after Be brief and ask for reaction after a couple of sentences.a couple of sentences. Do not support your positions with a lot of Do not support your positions with a lot of

examplesexamples Convey confidence (optimism) the Convey confidence (optimism) the

problem can be solved.problem can be solved. Not me vs. you Not me vs. you But you and me vs. the problemBut you and me vs. the problem

Delivering Difficult MessagesDelivering Difficult Messages Several of your students comes to talk to you Several of your students comes to talk to you

about the field hockey team. They tell you that about the field hockey team. They tell you that the coach, Ms. Howell, has been belittling, the coach, Ms. Howell, has been belittling, crude, and downright mean to the team. She crude, and downright mean to the team. She yells and calls them fat and lazy. yells and calls them fat and lazy.

Your students want to just quit the team, but Your students want to just quit the team, but they agree that it is ok for you to talk to the they agree that it is ok for you to talk to the coach about the problem. You are meeting with coach about the problem. You are meeting with the coach.the coach.

Create an opening comment to Ms. Create an opening comment to Ms. Howell that is brief, tentative, objective, Howell that is brief, tentative, objective, optimistic, and invites continued optimistic, and invites continued conversationconversation

Delivering Difficult MessagesDelivering Difficult Messages

Thank you for meeting with me, Ms. Thank you for meeting with me, Ms. Howell. I’m worried because a number of Howell. I’m worried because a number of students have come to talk to me about students have come to talk to me about the field hockey team. They said that the field hockey team. They said that they feel disrespected and discouraged. I they feel disrespected and discouraged. I know how hard you are working to help know how hard you are working to help them improve their game, but it seems them improve their game, but it seems like your message is getting lost. Can like your message is getting lost. Can you tell me what you think is happening? you tell me what you think is happening?

Communication: Receiving Communication: Receiving Difficult MessagesDifficult Messages

ReceivingReceiving Listen: Listen: Actively listen & try to fully understand the Actively listen & try to fully understand the

concern concern

Be quiet!Be quiet!

Understand: Understand: Try to understand other person’s goal.Try to understand other person’s goal.Often just being heard will be enoughOften just being heard will be enough..

Clarify: Clarify: Reflect both content and emotion. Reflect both content and emotion. Validate concerns by showing you heard their Validate concerns by showing you heard their

message.message.

Do NOT defend yourselfDo NOT defend yourselfConcentrate on listening and understanding.Concentrate on listening and understanding.Give yourself time to think. Give yourself time to think. STOP STOP if you find yourself becoming angry.if you find yourself becoming angry.

During the During the MeetingMeeting

Keeping Things MovingKeeping Things Moving

When you are facilitating…When you are facilitating…

Be sure every person gets to express Be sure every person gets to express viewsviews

Use questions judiciouslyUse questions judiciously Summarize before changing topicsSummarize before changing topics Keep an eye on time so that you are Keep an eye on time so that you are

able to move through the entire able to move through the entire agendaagenda

ALWAYS interrupt blamingALWAYS interrupt blaming

Blocking BlameBlocking Blame

ValidateValidate each person’s position each person’s position RefocusRefocus the discussion on solutions the discussion on solutions ReframeReframe negative attributionsnegative attributions ProbeProbe for details using reframesfor details using reframes SummarizeSummarize to convey understanding of to convey understanding of

problemproblem StopStop the process and instruct participants, the process and instruct participants,

thenthen move the discussion move the discussion FORWARDFORWARD.. Adapted from Weiss, H.M.; Ackerman Institute for the Adapted from Weiss, H.M.; Ackerman Institute for the

FamilyFamily

Keeping Things MovingKeeping Things Moving

Keeping Things MovingKeeping Things Moving

PROBLEM:PROBLEM:

The meeting The meeting starts without a starts without a clear purposeclear purpose

ACTION:ACTION:

Can we stop for a Can we stop for a moment? I may moment? I may have missed it, have missed it, but I want to be but I want to be

sure I understand sure I understand our purpose for our purpose for

meeting today so meeting today so I can stay I can stay focused. focused.

Keeping Things MovingKeeping Things Moving

PROBLEM:PROBLEM:

The discussion is The discussion is going off in new going off in new

directions directions unrelated to the unrelated to the purpose of the purpose of the

meeting.meeting.

ACTION:ACTION:

This is an excellent This is an excellent discussion, but I discussion, but I know we have to know we have to get back to our get back to our main purpose. main purpose. Can we write Can we write these things these things

down so we don’t down so we don’t forget them?forget them?

Keeping Things MovingKeeping Things Moving

PROBLEM:PROBLEM:

One person is One person is dominating the dominating the

meeting and meeting and won’t be quiet!won’t be quiet!

ACTION:ACTION:

I really appreciate I really appreciate hearing Mr. hearing Mr.

Smith’s ideas on Smith’s ideas on this. Are others this. Are others seeing this the seeing this the same way or same way or differently?differently?

Keeping Things MovingKeeping Things Moving

PROBLEM:PROBLEM:

Decisions are Decisions are being made but being made but not documentednot documented

ACTION:ACTION:It sounds like we It sounds like we

just made an just made an important important

decision. Can decision. Can someone repeat it someone repeat it so I can be sure I so I can be sure I understand and understand and we can get the we can get the

decision recorded decision recorded accurately?accurately?

Keeping Things MovingKeeping Things Moving

PROBLEM:PROBLEM:

The meeting is The meeting is ending but ending but

follow up has not follow up has not been discussedbeen discussed

ACTION:ACTION:This has been a This has been a

great meeting. I’m great meeting. I’m so grateful for so grateful for

everyone’s time. I everyone’s time. I would hate to would hate to leave without leave without

being clear about being clear about what we decided what we decided

and what will and what will happen next. Can happen next. Can

we go over that for we go over that for a minute?a minute?

During the During the MeetingMeeting

Productive Use Productive Use of Conflictof Conflict

ConflictConflict

Conflict arises when there are real or Conflict arises when there are real or perceived differences that engender perceived differences that engender negative emotion (Lake & Billingsley)negative emotion (Lake & Billingsley)

Conflict arises when explicit or implicit Conflict arises when explicit or implicit contracts are broken (Lee et al.)contracts are broken (Lee et al.)

Is Conflict Bad?Is Conflict Bad?

It is inevitable.It is inevitable. It is an opportunity.It is an opportunity. Key: how conflict is handledKey: how conflict is handled

Diminish negative outcomesDiminish negative outcomes Develop constructive solutionsDevelop constructive solutions

Using Conflict ProductivelyUsing Conflict Productively

What happened just before the What happened just before the conflict emerged?conflict emerged?

Have we been “admiring the Have we been “admiring the problem” and participants are problem” and participants are becoming frustrated?becoming frustrated?

If you are criticized If you are criticized directly…directly…

DO NOTDO NOTo RetaliateRetaliateo DominateDominateo Isolate (run away)Isolate (run away)

If you are criticized If you are criticized directly…directly…

Instead…Instead…o Stay quiet and THINKStay quiet and THINKo If criticism is justified, agreeIf criticism is justified, agreeo If not, ask for specificsIf not, ask for specificso Indicate your understanding of their position, Indicate your understanding of their position,

state your position, and problem solvestate your position, and problem solveo Be respectful, listen until you can restate the Be respectful, listen until you can restate the

other’s position accurately (including other’s position accurately (including emotions), state your own positions briefly emotions), state your own positions briefly and calmlyand calmly

Goals in Using Conflict Goals in Using Conflict ProductivelyProductively

Preserve the relationshipPreserve the relationship Use effective communication skillsUse effective communication skills

““pause button”pause button” Use effective problem-solving skillsUse effective problem-solving skills

Identify outcome or goalIdentify outcome or goal Explore varying values and perspectivesExplore varying values and perspectives Explore options and alternativesExplore options and alternatives Make a planMake a plan Implement and evaluateImplement and evaluate

During the During the MeetingMeeting

Decision MakingDecision Making(consensus building)(consensus building)

Consensus BuildingConsensus Building

How do decisions get made?How do decisions get made?

• Administrative fiatAdministrative fiat• Voting and majority ruleVoting and majority rule• CompromiseCompromise• ConsensusConsensus

Consensus BuildingConsensus Building

Consensus:Consensus:The solution is viewed as The solution is viewed as acceptable and workable (at acceptable and workable (at least for a trial period) by least for a trial period) by ALL participants.ALL participants.

Consensus BuildingConsensus Building

Make sure everyone has a Make sure everyone has a chance to speak and feels chance to speak and feels heardheard

Remind participants of the Remind participants of the need for “win-win” solutionsneed for “win-win” solutions

Encourage the expression of Encourage the expression of different viewpointsdifferent viewpoints

Consensus BuildingConsensus Building

Avoid conflict avoidance Avoid conflict avoidance techniquestechniques

Negotiate among differing Negotiate among differing points of viewpoints of view

Get an explicit commitment Get an explicit commitment from all participants for any from all participants for any decisiondecision

Consensus BuildingConsensus Building

Do not forget Do not forget

who is ultimately who is ultimately

in charge in charge

of decisions!of decisions!

Ending the Ending the MeetingMeeting

Ending the MeetingEnding the Meeting Summarize what has occurredSummarize what has occurred Clarify decisions made and who is Clarify decisions made and who is

responsible for what actions (including responsible for what actions (including parking lot issues)parking lot issues)

Offer thanks to all participants and Offer thanks to all participants and encouragement for following through on encouragement for following through on agreementsagreements

Determine next steps (e.g., when and how Determine next steps (e.g., when and how follow up will occur)follow up will occur)

Arrange (or ask) for a summary of the Arrange (or ask) for a summary of the meeting to be distributed to all meeting to be distributed to all participants.participants.

Possible Modifications to Possible Modifications to IEP ProcessIEP Process

Preparation questionsPreparation questions More inclusive invitationsMore inclusive invitations ““Round robin” formatRound robin” format

Building Relationships Building Relationships One Meeting at a TimeOne Meeting at a Time

Preparation

Communication

Consensus Commitment

Building Relationships Building Relationships One Meeting at a TimeOne Meeting at a Time

Thanks for playing!

Contact: minke@udel.edu