Co-Workers, Cliques & Conflicts

Dr. Brenda J. Bowers, RN, PhD

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“more often than men, women consider the impact of their actions

on how it will impact their relationships”

Women’s Ways of Knowing (1997)

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What Is Lateral Violence?

Behavior that humiliates, degrades, or otherwise indicates a lack of respect for the dignity and worth of an individual

(ICN 2004)

It is the consistent hidden pattern of behavior designed to control, diminish, or devalue another peer (or group) that creates a risk to health and/or safety

(Quine 1999, Farrell 2005)

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Names for Lateral Violence

• Peer to Peer Hostility• Incivility• Bullying• Horizontal Hostility• Eating Your Young• Harassment• Workplace Abuse• Interpersonal Conflict

How Will I Recognize It?

What behaviors constitute lateral violence?

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10 Most Frequent Examples1. Nonverbal Innuendo (raising of eyebrows, face-

making)

2. Verbal Affront (covert or overt, snide remarks, lack of openness, abrupt responses)

3. Undermining Activities (turning away, not available)

4. Withholding Information

5. Sabotage (deliberately setting up a negative situation)

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10 Most Frequent Examples6. Infighting (bickering with peers)

7. Scapegoating (attributing all that goes wrong to one individual)

8. Backstabbing (complaining to others about an individual and not speaking directly to that individual)

9. Failure to respect privacy

10. Broken confidences(Griffin, 2004)

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Overt Hostility Behaviors

Name calling Sarcasm Bickering Fault finding Back stabbing Criticism Intimidation

Gossip Shouting Blaming Put-downs Raising eye brows Ignoring

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Covert Hostility Behavior

• Unfair assignments• Eye rolling• Ignoring• Making faces

(behind someone’s back)

• Refusal to help• Sighing

• Whining• Refusal to work

with someone• Sabotage• Isolation• Exclusion• Fabrication • Criticism without

recommendation

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Hostile Behavior Can Include

1. Hostile Communication

2. Sabotage

3. Passive/Aggressive Behavior

4. Narcissism

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Hostile Communication Examples• Inability to confront issues directly

• Poor inquiry skills

• CAPITAL LETTERS IN EMAIL SAYS, “I’m angry”

• What about……….means, "There is more to be said but I am not telling”

• Scathing e-mails from a co-worker

– No restraint - speak exactly what they think or feel - “Off with their heads”

– Cowardice (I won’t say this, I will write it)

– Blaming (takes no responsibility for actions)

– Brutally direct (no regard for others feelings)

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Sabotage

An act or process tending to hamper or hurt; deliberate subversion.

“I will get you behind your back”

A common behavioral issue in women-dominated workplaces

MEECE , MICKEY ; Published: May 9, 2009 New York Times, Backlash: Women Bullying Women at Work

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Sabotage Example

• Mary does not like her co-worker Nancy who is very skilled and good at her job.

• Mary does not tell Nancy about changes in the office that were discussed when she was not there. She purposely does not send her jobs to the print shop for completion of her project and does not tell her. When the materials do not come in, and Nancy does not understand the delay, Mary is silent.

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How it plays out in work relationships

• “Frienemies”

• Exclusivity

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Why Women?

• Boys learn to act out aggression at an early age in play and sports, girls are often discouraged from doing the same

• Girls tend to prefer “sameness” aka: one not developing, having or doing more

DiCicio, Tony and Haacker, Colleen, PhD, (2002)

Mean Girls Grown Up, Dellasega, , 2005

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Why is it?

• Women are taught to work for the welfare of the group, men are taught to focus on personal achievement

• Women develop their identities in the context of relationships – who they are and how they feel about themselves often come from friendships and partnerships versus through pure self worth/esteem/value

P. 21 Dellasega “Mean Girls Grown Up”, 2005

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Facts• “Women are more likely to

undermine and bully each other in the workplace than to target a man” (Heim, Murphy & Golant, 2010)

• In a survey of 60 women, 73% said bullying in the workplace between adult women is “common” or “very common” (Dellasega, 2010)

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Importance of Friendship

• Men often report their best friend to be their female spouse or romantic partner which is less true for women

Mean Girls Grown Up, Dellasega, , 2005

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Self - Awareness

• What are your relationships like with women?

• How well do you manage stress and anger within yourself primarily and then with others?

How Will I Recognize It?

The roles and how they play themselves out through lateral

violence?

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The Bully• The seeds of this relationship style are most

often planted in middle school• Bullies rarely recognize themselves as such

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The Bully

Characteristics• Poor self-esteem or egocentric

• Angry – may feel threatened

• Jealous

• Someone treated them badly

• Poor coping and stress management

• Wants to win

Photo source: Thehelpmovie.com

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Assess yourself… Am I a Bully?1. I find it hard to create close relationships with

women2. I have looked for ways to sabotage, intimidate

or get ahead at any cost3. I am more likely to be irritated than intrigued

by other women4. I often make the plans, call the shots without

asking for input5. I cycle through co-workers, employees and

friends quickly

Dellasega, Cheryl, Mean Girls Grown Up (2007) p. 33-34

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If You’re a Bully

Find opportunities to be assertive instead of aggressive

Assertive in Conflict: Win/WinAggressive in Conflict: I win/You lose

If your behavior hurts or takes advantage of another it needs to change

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The Bystander• Stands by and watches while others are abused,

shamed or mocked• Source of bully power: being a “passive-aggressive”

partner• Longs for acceptance

Photo source: Thehelpmovie.com

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Assess yourself… Am I a Bystander?

• I enjoy being in the middle of drama• I use gossip as a way to connect with

others• I look for ways to stay on the Bully’s

good side and prefer to work behind the scenes

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If You’re a Bystander

• Walk away from the drama situation

• Focus on problem-solving as a way to connect instead of gossip

Whatever you put up with you promote

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The Victim/TargetCommon targets

– “Subordinates”– New hires

• In a newly created position or replacement role– “Different” from everyone in environment– The “other”– Interns, graduate nurses

Photo source: Thehelpmovie.com

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Assess Yourself… Are You a Target/Victim?

• As a young girl I was the victim of other girls aggression

• Strong women intimidate me• I will do anything to avoid conflict• I am in an entry-level role and have little

power or say in my environment• I’m often suspicious of people speaking

negatively about me

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If You’re a Target/Victim• While the Bully lashes out as a “preemptive

strike” to prevent others from hurting them, the Victim may believe the abuse is warranted (self-esteem, past experiences, role in organization)

• It only continues if you believe you are deserving of the behavior. If you didn’t believe it, how would/should you react?

• Report it to a leader or HR

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Ways to Defend Yourself 1) Be aware of it. Labeling it for what it is reduces

its power over you. In other words, “call it out!”2) Accept that it is not normal behavior and you

have every right to be treated as a valuable and respected professional.

3) Manage your physical and emotional expression when you know you are getting upset or defensive.

4) Remove yourself if necessary to calm down.5) Control your anger and stick to the facts.6) Document the interaction.7) Directly point out the inappropriate behavior,

but don’t attack the bully.8) Inform your supervisor if you feel threatened.

(Adapted from Broome, 2008)

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Tips for Dealing with the Bully Boss

If you decide to remain working for this person ask yourself:

• How important is this job to you?

• What can you tolerate?

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Strategies for Moving PastThe Bully Boss

• Ignore the bait ~ the back handed compliment• Persist in your goal• Find alternate routes to success• Maintain a positive attitude• Keep the relationship professional• Connect with other women• Set boundaries

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The Effects Bullying/Abuse• Feeling a sense of shame• Withdrawal from others• Avoiding stressful circumstances• Taking impact out on others• Taking impact out on yourself• Depressive symptoms like appetite or sleep changes• Anxiety/excessive worry• Burn-out/compassion fatigue• Using alcohol or drugs • Chronic stress and new health problems• Suicidal ideation or self-harm behaviors

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Self Awareness

• Have you ever been the target, bystander or bully?

• What is your relationship style? Do you tend to be a target, bystander or bully, or have you been able to find a balance in healthy relationships that are encouraging and supportive?

Gender Differences

Why is lateral violence more common among women?

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Anger Expression & Gender• For women, anger is a very confusing emotion

that elicits feelings of hurt and disillusion. “Violations of a woman’s core values, beliefs, or principles provoke her angry feelings. But her anger, even when produced by a substantive violation, is often inhibited for fear of damaging relationships.” (Thomas, 2003, 104)

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Anger Expression & Gender

• When there is lack of reciprocity of feeling, a woman’s anger is usually triggered

• Most women are taught as young girls that anger is unfeminine and unattractive; therefore, anger is often withheld until it seeps out as either passive and/or aggressive behavior that can be expressed as lateral violence

Thomas, SP. 2003. Anger: the mismanaged emotion. MedSurg Nursing 12(2): 103-110.

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Anger Expression & Gender

• A man’s anger comes from a perceived affront to his sense of control and/or his views of right and wrong. When a man cannot gain back control, he tends to withdraw (Thomas, 104.)

Thomas, SP. 2003. Anger: the mismanaged emotion. MedSurg Nursing 12(2): 103-110.

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Passive- Aggressive• “The good twin/bad twin –

both!”

• Exerts control in the relationship

• Keeps you off guard

• Withholds information

• Messages not received

• Memory of convenience

• Holds you responsible and they have no accountability or impact on the event

• Silent then deadly

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Passive • Avoid Conflict

• “I will DISAPPEAR”

• Apologetic, self-denying, “It’s ok, you can disregard me”

• Ignores feelings to satisfy others, “I don’t mind, whatever you want.”

• Will often feel like the “victim”

• Underlying low self esteem, anger, frustration

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Aggressive• I will win…always!

• I dominate…Oh, in case you didn’t know…I dominate… always!

• My opinion is most important always!

• It is all about ME…always!

• Every “always” is at the expense, degradation and humiliation of others

– Hostile aggression

– Manipulative aggression

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Hostile Aggression

• Making fun of a person amid a group• Purposefully bumping into someone• Name calling

– Behavior witnessed on Jersey Shore, Basketball Wives and the Desperate Housewives of Atlanta, Beverly Hills, etc… series

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Manipulative aggression

• Acting as a shoulder-to-lean-on and then spreading gossip about what was shared

• Saying things that will sway a group or person to support disliking another person – Ex: taking a conversation about parenting out of context

– Behavior witnessed on Jersey Shore, Basketball Wives and the Desperate Housewives of Atlanta, Beverly Hills, etc… series

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Assertive• Expressing yourself and your

rights without violating others– This is what I think

– This is what I feel

– This is how I see this situation

– This is my experience

• Gives and receives respect, demands fair play , leaves room for compromise when right

• Goes for win/win in conflict

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Gender Differences:Ways People Lead

Men• Lead by command and

control (military approach)• Exchange rewards for

service rendered• Rely on positional power

(hierarchical)• Action orientation• Analytical, linear thinking

Women• Share power and information

• Enhance others’ self-worth

• Encourage participation

• Get others excited about their work

________________ Judy Rosener, Ph.D., Harvard Business Review, 1990

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Gender Diversity

Men• Communicate to “Report”,

compete, and win.• Communication is a

contest.• Get to the point quickly.

Seek results now.

Women• Communicate for “Rapport.” • Communicate to collaborate

and build community.• Prefer to reach results

gradually. Seek to affirm relationship.

2007, HumanNext LLC

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Managing Workplace Bullying

• Zero tolerance toward violence, bullying, etc... • Policy that protects employees from retribution if they

report violent or aggressive behavior • Reinforce problem solving and relationship

management practices (policy must be acted upon/implementable)

• Leaders should address the behavior immediately and in a respectful manner with the only bias being toward “truth”

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Managing Workplace Conflict• Provide workshops and resources for

staff on constructive and positive communication

• Encourage team-building– Provide exercises for people to get to know

each other– Develop team best practices together

• Call it out– When its positive (praise it) when its

negative (redirect it)

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Do Not Tolerate (Can’t just go along to get along)

• Remember: If you permit it, you promote it! So:

• Confront Secrecy

• Engage Shame

• Speak up and call out Silent Witness

Improve your communication:Develop Assertion

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Feedback Model S- B- I- RSituation

- Articulate the context & frequency of behaviorBehavior

- Provide Data and/or an observable descriptionImpact

- How are you, team or organization effectedRecommendation

- What will improve the situation

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Ways to Receive Feedback

1. Focus on the message2. Listen calmly, don’t interrupt 3. Ask questions of clarification 4. Acknowledge the other person’s concern5. Avoid over explaining 6. Welcome suggestions7. Leave with an agreed upon plan/next steps

to ensure mutual understanding

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If you want to go fast… go alone.If you want to go far… go with others.

African Proverb

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Small Group ReflectionThink about a positive experience you have had working with a woman/women. 1. What type of communication style was practiced? 2. How did you experience a sense of team or inclusion?3. What other elements of the interaction made it positive for you?4. Do you feel that you use the same/similar approaches when communicating with others? 5. Is there one thing that you can do differently starting today that will advance collaborative, positive encounters with women and reduce/eliminate lateral violence?

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References1. American Nurses Association. 2006. Background Report: Workplace Abuse and Harassment of Nurses. Silver Spring, MD:ANA 2. Belenky, Mary, Clinchy, Blythe, Goldberger, Nancy Tarule, Jill, (1997) Women's Ways Of Knowing: The Development Of Self,

Voice, And Mind , Basic Books3. Broome, B. (2008). Dealing with sharks and bullies in the workplace. ABNF Journal, Winter 2008, 19 (1), 28-30. 4. Dellasega, Cheryl PhD, (2007) Mean Girls Grown Up, Wiley5. Dellasega, Cheryl PhD, (2011) When Nurses Hurt Nurses: Overcoming the Cycle of Nurse Bullying, Sigma Theta Tau International6. DiCicio, Tony and Haacker, Colleen, PhD, (2002) Catch Them Being Good: Everything You Need to Know to Successfully Coach

Girls 7. Farrell, GA. 2001. From tall poppies to squashed weeds: Why don’t nurses pull together more? Journal of Advanced Nursing

34(1): 26-33. 8. Felblinger, D. (2008). Incivility and bullying in the workplace and nurses' shame responses, Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic &

Neonatal Nursing; March 2008, Vol. 37 (2) p234-242.9. Griffin, Martha. 2004. Teaching cognitive rehearsal as a shield for lateral violence: An intervention for newly licensed nurse. The

Journal of Continuing Education in Nursing 35(6): 257-263. 10. Haselhuhn, Michele R. RN, BSN, MSN, CCRN, CEN, EMT-P (2005) Adult Bullying Within Nursing Workplaces: Strategies to Address

a Significant Occupational StressorUniversity of Michigan School of Nursing11. Hadikin, Ruth and O’Driscol, Muriel(2001) The Bullying Culture, Books for Midwives12. Heim, Pat PhD, Murphy, Susan PhD MBA, and Golant, Susan (2003) In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among

Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop, Tarcher13. Kettering Sincox, Ann and Fitzpatrick, Michelle RN, MS, CPNP, Lateral violence: Calling out the elephant in the room, Michigan

Nurses Association www.minurses.org Nursing Practice/Lateral Violence.14. Meece , Mickey; Published: May 9, 2009 New York Times, Backlash: Women Bullying Women at Work 15. McKenna, BG, Smith, NA, Poole, SJ, and Coverdale, JH. 2003 Horizontal Violence: Experiences of registered nurses in their first

year of practice. Journal of Advanced Nursing 42(1): 90-96. 16. McMillan, I, 1995. Losing control. Nursing Times 91, 40-43.17. Rowell, Patricia, PhD, RN, 2008, Lateral Violence: Nurse Against Nurse 18. Workplace Bullying Institute. (2007). 2007 U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey. Retrieved March 23, 2009 from

http://bullyinginstitute.org/zogby2007/zogbyprevalence.html.