Bradbury, Ray - Unterderseaboat Doktor

8/11/2019 Bradbury, Ray - Unterderseaboat Doktor

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Unterderseaboat Doktor

The incredible event occurred during my third visit to Gustav Von Seyfertitz, my foreign

psychoanalyst. should have guessed at the strange e!plosion before it came.

"fter all, my alienist, truly alien, had the coincidental name, Von Seyfertitz, of the tall,

lean, a#uiline, menacing, and therefore beautiful actor $ho played the high priest in the

1935 film She.

n She, the $ondrous villain $aved his skeleton fingers, hurled insults, summoned

sulfured flames, destroyed slaves, and knocked the $orld into earth#uakes.

"fter that, %"t &iberty,% he could be seen riding the 'olly$ood (oulevard trolley cars

as calm as a mummy, as #uiet as an un$ired telephone pole.

)here $as * "h, yes+

t $as my third visit to my psychiatrist. 'e h- called that day and cried, %Douglas, you

stupid goddamn son of a bitch, it-s time for beddybye+

2 Ray Bradbury

(eddybye $as, of course, his couch of pain and humiliation $here lay $rithing in

agonies of assumed /e$ish guilt and 0orthern (aptist stress as he from time to time

muttered, %" fruitcake remark+% or %Dumb+% or %f you ever do that again, -ll kill you+%

"s you can see, Gustav Von Seyfertitz $as a most unusual mine specialist. 1ine* 2es.

3ur problems are land mines in our heads. Step on them+ Shocktroop therapy, he once

called it, searching for $ords. %(litzkrieg*% offered.

"Ja!" 'e grinned his shark grin. %That-s it+%

"gain, this $as my third visit to his strange, metalliclooking room $ith a most oddseries of locks on a roundish door. Suddenly, as $as maundering and treading dark

$aters, heard his spine stiffen behind me. 'e gasped a great death rattle, sucked air, and

ble$ it out in a yell that cur led and bleached my hair4

%Dive+ Dive+%

dove.

Thinking that the room might be struck by a titanic iceberg, fell, to scuttle beneath

the lioncla$footed couch.

%Dive+% cried the old man.


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%Dive*% $hispered, and looked up.

To see a submarine periscope, all polished brass, slide up to vanish in the ceiling.

Gustav Von Seyfertitz stood pretending not to notice me, the s$eatoiled leather couch,

or the vanished brass machine. Very calmly, in the fashion of 5onrad Veidt in Casablanca,

or 6rich Von

4 Ray Bradbury

like /ack 0icklaus hits a ball* Bamm. " hand grenade+

That $as the sound my Germanic friend-s boots

made as he knocked them together in a salute Crrrack!

%Gustav 1annerheim "uschlitz Von Seyfertitz (aron )oldstein, at your service+% 'e

lo$ered his voice. %Unterderseaboat%

thought he might say %Doktor.% (ut4

%Unterderseaboat Captain!"

scrambled off the floor.

"nother crrrack andThe periscope slid calmly do$n out of the

ceiling, the most beautiful 7reudian cigar had ever seen.

%0o+% gasped.

%'ave ever lied to you*% %1any times+%

%(ut- -he shrugged- -little $hite ones.8 'e stepped to the periscope, slapped t$o

handles in place, slammed one eye shut, and crammed the other angrily against the vie$

piece, turning the periscope in a slo$ roundabout of the room, the couch, and me.

%7ire one,% he ordered.

almost heard the torpedo leave its tube. %7ire tw!" he said.

"nd a second soundless and invisible bombmotored on its $ay to infinity. Struck midships, sank to the couch.

%2ou, you+% said mindlessly. %t+% pointed

5 Unterderseaboat Doktor

at the brass machine. %This+% touched couch. "hy"

%Sit do$n,% said Von Seyfertitz.

% am.% "#ie do$n.%

%-d rather not,% said uneasily.


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Von Seyfertitz turned the periscope so its topmost eye, raked at an angle, glared at me.

t had an uncanny resemblance, in its glassy coldness, his o$n fierce ha$k-s gaze.

'is voice, from behind the periscope, echoed. %So you $ant to kno$, eh, ho$ Gustav

Von Seyfertitz, (aron )oldstein, suffered to leave the cold ocean depths, depart his dear

0orth Sea ship, flee his destroyed and beaten fatherland, to become the Unterderseaboat

$ktr%"

%0o$ that you mention%

% never mention+ declare. "nd my declarations are seabattle commands.%

%So noticed . .

%Shut up. Sit back%

%0ot 9ust no$ . . .% said uneasily.

'is heels knocked as he let his right hand spider to his top coat pocket and slip forth

yet a forth eye $ith $hich to fasten me4 a bright, thin monocle $hich he scre$ed into his

stare as if decupping a boiled egg. $inced. 7or no$ the monocle $as part of his glare and

regarded me $ith cold fire.

%)hy the monocle*% said.%diot+ t is to cover my&d eye so that neither ther eye cansee and my intuition is

free to $ork+8

%3h,% said.

6 Ray Bradbury

"nd he began his monologue. "nd as he talked realized his need had been pent up,

capped, years, so he talked on and on, forgetting me.

"nd it $as during this monologue that a strange thing occurred. rose slo$ly to my

feet as 'err Doktor Von Seyfertitz circled, his long, slim cigar printing smoke cumuli on

the air, $hich read like $hite :orschach blots.)ith each implantation of his foot, a $ord ca out, and then another, in a sort of

plodding grammar. Sometimes he stopped and stood poised $ith one leg raised and one

$ord stopped in his mouth to be turned on his tongue and e!amined. Then the shoe $ent

do$n, the noun slid forth and the verb and ob9ect in good time.

Until at last, circling, found myself in a chair stunned, for sa$4

'err Doktor Von Seyfertitz stretched on his couch, his long spider fingers laced on his

chest.

%t has been no easy thing to come forth on land,% he sibilated. %Some days $as the

9ellyfish, frozen. 3thers, the shorestre$n octopi, at least $ith tentacles, or the crayfish


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sucked back into my skull. (ut have built my spine, year on year, and no$ $alk among

the land men and survive.%

'e paused to take a trembling breath, then continued4

% moved in stages from the depths to a houseboat, to a $harf bungalo$, to a shoretent

and then

back to a canal in a city and at last to 0e$ 2ork

an island surrounded by $ater, eh* (ut $here,

Unterderseaboat Doktor ;

$here, in all this, $ondered, $ould a submarine commander find his place, his $ork, his

mad love and activity*

%t $as one afternoon in a building $ith the $orld-s longest elevator that it struck me

like a hand grenade in the ganglion. Going do$n, do$n, do$n, other people crushed

around me, and the numbers descending and the floors $hizzing by the glass $indo$s,

rushing by flickerflash, flickerflash, conscious, subconscious, id, egoid, life, death, lust,

kill, lust, dark, light, plummeting, falling, ninety, eighty, fifty, lo$er depths, high

e!hilaration, id, ego, id, until this shout blazed from my ra$ throat in a great all

accepting, panicmanic shriek4

%-Dive+ Dive+-

% remember,% said.

-Dive+- screamed so loudly that my fello$ passengers, in shock, peed merrily.

"mong stunned faces, stepped out of the lift to find onesi!teenth of an inch of pee on

the floor. -'ave a nice day+- said, 9ubilant $ith selfdiscovery, then ran to self

employment, to hang a shingle and ne!t my periscope, carried from the mutilated,

divested, castrated unterderseaboat all these years. Too stupid to see in it my psychological

future and my final do$nfall, my beautiful artifact, the brass genitalia of psychotic

research, the Von Seyfertitz 1ark 0ine


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%So* have often $ondered4 did 0emo really die $hen his submarine $as destroyed*

3r did he run off to become my greatgrandfather and $ere his psychological bacteria

passed along until came into the $orld, thinking to command the ghostlike mechanisms

that haunt the under tides, to $ind up $ith the fiftyminute vaudeville routine in this sad,

psychotic city*%

got up and touched the fabulous brass symbol that hung like a scientific stalactite in

midceiling.

%1ay look*%

% $ouldn-t if $ere you.% 'e only half heard me, lying in the midst of his depression

as in a dark cloud.

%t-s only a periscope%

%(ut a good cigar is a smoke.%

remembered Sigmund 7reud-s #uote about cigars, laughed, and touched the periscope

again.

%Don-t+% he said.

%)ell, you don-t actually use this for anything, do you* t-s 9ust a remembrance of yourpast, from your last sub, yes*%

%2ou think that*% 'e sighed. %&ook+%

hesitated, then pasted one eye to the vie$er, shut the other, and cried4

%3h, /esus+%

% $arned you+% said Von Seyfertitz.

7or they $ere there.

Unterderseaboat Doktor 9

6nough nightmares to paper a thousand cinema screens. 6nough phantoms to haunt

ten thousand castle $alls. 6nough panics to shake forty cities into ruin.

1y God, thought, he could sell the film rights to this $orld$ide+

The first psychological kaleidoscope in history.

"nd in the instant another thought came4 ho$ much of that stuff in there is me* 3r

Von Seyfertitz* 3r both* "re these strange shapes my maundering daymares, sneezed out

in the past $eeks* )hen talked, eyes shut, did my mouth spray invisible founts of small

beasts $hich, caught in the periscope chambers, gre$ outsize* &ike the microscopic

photos of those germs that hide in eyebro$s and pores, magnified a million times to

become elephants on Scienti'ic (merican covers* "re these images from other lost souls

trapped on that couch and caught in the submarine device, or leftovers from my eyelashes


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and psyche*

%t-s $orth millions+% cried. %Do you knw $hat this is+*%

%5ollected spiders, Gila monsters, trips to the 1oon $ithout gossamer $ings, iguanas,

toads out of bad sisters- mouths, diamonds out of good fairies ears, crippled shado$

dancers from (ali, cutstring puppets from Geppetto-s attic, littleboy statues that pee $hite

$ine, se!ual trapeze performers- alle)%p, obscene fingerpantomimes, evil clo$n faces,

gargoyles that talk $hen it rains and $hisper $hen the $ind rises, basement bins

10 Ray Bradbury

full of poisoned honey, dragonflies that se$ every fourteenyearold-s orifices to keep them

neat until they rip the sutures, aged eighteen. To$ers $ith mad $itches, garrets $ith

mummies for lumber%

'e ran out of steam.

%2ou get the general drift.%

%0uts,% said. %2ou-re bored. could get you a fivemilliondollar deal $ith

"malgamated 7ruitcakes nc. "nd the Sigmund 7. Dreamboats, split three $ays+%

%2ou don-t understand,% said Von Seyfertitz. % am keeping myself busy, busy, so $on-t

remember all the people torpedoed, sank, dro$ned mid"tlantic in =>??. am not in the

"malgamated 7ruitcake 5inema business. only $ish to keep myself occupied by paring

fingernails, cleaning ear$a!, and erasing inkblots from odd beanbags like you. f stop,

$ill fly apart. That periscope contains all and everything have seen and kno$n in the

past forty years of observing pecans, cashe$s, and almonds. (y staring at them lose my

o$n terrible life lost in the tides. f you $on my periscope in some shoddy flybynight

'olly$ood strip poker, $ould sink three times in my $aterbed, never to be seen again.

'ave shwn you my $aterbed* Three times as large as any pool. do eighty laps asleep

each night . Sometimes forty $hen catnap noons. To ans$er your million fold offer, no.%

"nd suddenly he shivered all over. 'is hands clutched at his heart.


%1y God+% he shouted.

Too late, he $as realizing he had let me step into his mind and life. 0o$

he $as on his feet bet$een me and the periscope, staring at it and me, as if $e

$ere both terrors.

%2ou sa$ nothing in that+ 0othing at all+8


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% did+%

%2ou lie+ 'o$ could you be such a liar* Do you kno$ $hat $ould happen

if this got out, if you ran around making accusations*

%1y God,% he raved on, %f the $orld kne$, if someone said- -'is $ords

gummed shut in his mouth as if he $ere tasting the truth of $hat he said, as if

he sa$ me for the first time and $as a gun fired full in his face. % $ould

be... laughed out of the city. Such a goddamn ridiculous . . . hey, $ait a

minute. 2ou+%

t $as as if he had slipped a devil mask over his face. 'is eyes gre$ $ide.

'is mouth gaped.

e!amined his face and sa$ murder. sidled to$ard the door.

%2ou $ouldn-tsay anything to anyone*8 he said.

@0o8

%'o$ come you suddenly kno$ e*erythin& about me*%

%2ou tld me+%

%2es,% he admitted, dazed, looking around for a $eapon. %)ait.%%if you don-t mind,% said, %-d rather not.8 "nd $as out the door and

do$n the hall, my knees 9umping to knock my 9a$.

12 Ray Bradbury

%5ome back+% cried Von Seyfertitz, behind me. % must kill you+%

% $as afraid of that+%

reached the elevator first and by a miracle it flung $ide its doors $hen banged the

Do$n button. 9umped in.

%Say goodbye+% cried Von Seyfertitz, rais ing his fist as if i t held a bomb.

%Goodbye+% said. The doors slammed.

did not see Von Seyfertitz again for a year.

1ean$hile, dined out often, not $ithout guilt, telling friends, and strangers on street

corners, of my collision $ith a submarine commander become phrenologist Ahe $ho feels

your skull to count the beansB.

So $ith my giving one shake of the ripe fruit tree, nuts fell. 3vernight they brimmed

the (aron-s lap to flood his bank account. 'is Grand Slam $ill be recalled at century-s

end4 appearances on +hil $nahue, prah in'rey, and -erarld in one single cyclonic

afternoon, $ith interchangeable hyperboles, positivenegativepositive every hour. There

$ere Von Seyfertitz laser games and duplicates of his submarine periscope sold at the


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1useum of 1odern "rt and the Smithsonian. )ith the super inducement of a halfmillion

dollars, he forcefed and easily sold a bad book. Duplicates of the animalcules, lurks, and

curious critters trapped in his brass vie$er arose in popup coloring books, pasteon

tattoos, and inkpad rubberstamp nightmares at (easts:Us.


had hoped that all this $ould cause him to forgive and forget. 0o.

3ne noon a year and a month later, my doorbell rang and there stood

Gustav Von Seyfertitz, 7 (aron )oldstein, tears streaming do$n his cheeks.

%'o$ come didn-t kill you that day*8 he mourned.

%2ou didn-t catch me,% said.

%3h,a. That $as it.%

looked into the old man-s rain$ashed, tearravened face and said, %)ho

died*%

%1e. 3r is it * "h, to hell $ith it4 me. /u see before you,% he grieved, %a

creature $ho suffers from the :umpelstiltskin Syndrome+%

%:umpel%

%stiltskin+ T$o halves $ith a rip from chin to fly. 2ank my forelock, go

ahead+ )atch me fall apart at the seam. &ike zipping a psychotic zipper, fall,

t$o 'err Doktor "dmirals for the sick price of one. "nd $hich is the Doktor

$ho heals and $hich the sellout bestseller "dmiral* t takes t$o mirrors to

tell. 0ot to mention the smoke+%

'e stopped and looked around, holding his head together $ith his hands.

%5an you see the crack* "m splitting again to become this crazy sailor

$ho desires richness and fame, being sieved through the hands of crazed

ladies $ith ruptured libidos* Suffering fish, call them+ (ut take their money,spit, spend+ 2ou should ha*e such a year. DonCt laugh.%

@Cm not laughing.%

14 Ray Bradbury

%Then cheer up $hile finish. 5an lie do$n* s that a couch* Too short. )hat do do

$ith my legs*%

%Sit sidesaddle.%

Von Seyfertitz laid himself out $ith his legs draped over one side. %'ey, not bad. Sit


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behind. Don-t look over my shoulder. "vert your gaze. 0either smirk nor pull long faces as

get out the crazyglue and paste :umpel back $ith Stiltskin, the name of my ne!t book,

God help me. Damn you to hell, you and your damned periscope+8

%0ot mine. 2ours. 2ou $anted me to discover it that day. suppose you had been

$hispering Dive, Dive, for years to patients, half asleep. (ut you couldn-t resist the loudest

scream ever4 Dive+ That $as your captain speaking, $anting fame and money enough to

chock a horse sho$.%

%God,% murmured Von Seyfertitz, %'o$ hate it $hen you-re honest. 7eeling better

already. 'o$ much do o$e you*%

'e arose.

%0o$ $e go kill the monsters instead of you.8

%1onsters*%

%"t my office. f $e can get in past the lunatics.%

%2ou have lunatics outside as $ell as in, no$*8

%'ave ever lied to you*%

%3ften. (ut,% added, %little $hite ones.8%5ome,% he said.

)e got out of the elevator to be confronted by a long line of $orshippers and

supplicants. There

Unterderseaboat Doktor 15

must have been seventy people strung out bet$een the elevator and the (aron-s door,

$aiting $ith copies of books by 1adame (lavatsky, rishna murti, and Shirley 1ac&aine

under their arms. There $as a roar like a suddenly opened furnace door $hen they sa$ the

(aron. )e beat it on the double and got inside his office before anyone could surge tofollo$.

%See $hat you have done to me+% Von Seyfertitz pointed.

The office $alls $ere covered $ith e!pensive teak paneling. The desk $as from

0apoleon-s age an e!#uisite 6mpire piece $orth at least fifty thousand dollars. The couch

$as the best soft leather had ever seen, and the t$o pictures on the $all $ere originalsa

:enoir and a 1onet. 1y God, millions+ thought.

%3kay,% said. %The beasts, you said. 2ou-ll kill them, not me*%

The old man $iped his eyes $ith the back of one hand, then made a fist.

%2es+% he cried, stepping up to the fine periscope, $hich reflected his face, madly


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distorted, in its elongated shape. %&ike this. Thus and s!"

"nd before could prevent, he gave the brass machine a terrific slap $ith his hand and

then a blo$ and another blo$ and another, $ith both fists, cursing. Then he grabbed the

periscope as if it $ere the neck of a spoiled child and throttled and shook it.

cannot say $hat heard in that instant.


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visions $ithin the brass device, could not say.

only kne$ that my gossip had done a terrible and irrevocable thing. 1e and my $ild

enthusiasm for a psychological future and the fame of this incredible captain from beneath

0emo-s tidal seas.

%Gone,% murmured Gustav Von Seyfertitz, (aron )oldstein, $hispered for the last

time. %Gone.%

That $as almost the end.

$ent around a month later. The landlord reluctantly let me look over the premises,

mostly because hinted that might be renting.

)e stood in the middle of the empty room $here could see the dent marks $here the

couch had once stood.

looked up at the ceiling. t $as empty.

%)hat-s $rong*% said the landlord. %Didn-t they fi! it so you can-t see* Damn fool

(aron made a damn big hole up into the office above. :ented that, too, but never used it

for anything kne$ of. There $as 9ust that big damn hole he left $hen he $ent a$ay.%

sighed $ith relief.

%0othing left upstairs*%

%0othing.%

looked up at the perfectly blank ceiling.

%0ice 9ob of repair,% said.

%Thank God,% said the landlord.

18 Ray Bradbury

)hat, often $onder, ever happened to Gustav Von Seyfertitz* Did he move to Vienna,

to take up residence, perhaps, in or near dear SigmundCs very o$n address* Does he live in

:io, aerating fello$ Unterderseaboat 5aptains $ho can-t sleep for seasickness, roiling on

their $aterbeds under the shado$ of the "ndes 5ross* 3r is he in South

Bradbury, Ray - Unterderseaboat Doktor

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