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Mikhail vs. Robert Horry

the untold story of a one-sided feudby Skinny B / photography by The Internet

(1) ESTABLISHING FAVORITESThe day that Mikhail decided to fully commit to an NBA team—he had merely rooted for individual players before that day—the sporting world was overwhelmed with Charles B arkley’s trade to the Suns. Sir Charles was his favorite and Barkley’s new team was right then and there forever to be Mikhail’s. He made that decision, and knew it to be true in his heart, just two months before his first day of sixth grade.

SportsIllustrated.com

(2) GENESIS OFA NEMESIS

Almost two years later, with the Suns defending their Western Conference supremacy but still searching for Barkley’s first ring, the Rocket’s Robert Horry hit a Game 7 winning shot from the top of the key at the buzzer. It was Barkley’s last realistic chance at an NBA championship and Mikhail had no choice but to hang up on his eighth grade girlfriend. He was just too damn distraught to explain the severity of the situation after a three hour conversation detailing the severity of the situation.

(3) VALLEY OF THE SUN

In the following off-season, the Suns traded Barkley to the Rockets for Horry, Sam Cassell and a few assorted pieces. Mikhail cried into his oversized Suns pillow, one he had won at an East Hollywood Carnival by tossing a quarter onto a 3”x3” piece of plastic. The trade felt like treason, but even at 12-years-old, Mikhail could see that his team was dumping an aging veteran for youth and depth.

The Internet has no visual proof of this

incident.

(4) TOWEL MOVEMENT

Just before the trade deadline in Horry’s first season with the Suns, he got into a disagreement with then-coach Danny Ainge. Not taking kindly to his benching (and subsequent reprimanding) by Ainge, Horry threw his sweaty towel at the coach’s face. In response to the 6’10” forward’s mutiny, the Suns were forced to trade him to the hated Lakers for pennies on the dollar. The Suns later went on to miss the playoffs for the first time in 13 seasons.

(5) LA FAKERSA few seasons later —the Suns finally moving past mediocrity and back into the playoffs—Mikhail’s team matched up against Horry’s Los Angeles Lakers. A boastful and overconfident sophomore in high school, Mikhail bet all $137 of his life savings that the Suns would win the series or cover the spread in individual games. All of his friends were Lakers fans...he had no choice. He lost it all once Horry’s Game 6 winning jumper from the baseline solidified the Lakers’ victory...and Mikhail’s embarrassment. Jayson had one of those dollars framed in a $136 pewter shadow case.

(6) BIG SHOT BOBThe following post-season, the Suns and Lakers were once again pitted against each other, this time in the first round. What was a heated contest the year before quickly became a laugher, as the #2 seed Lakers were clearly superior to the #7 Suns. A little older, Mikhail knew enough to keep his mouth and wallet shut. However, the sting was no less severe when Horry severed the Suns’ head in the series-clinching Game 5 by hitting an NBA-record 6 three-pointers in the third quarter. Horry and the Lakers went on to win the title, and Mikhail had to endure LA’s taunts every time he wore his Suns hat on the bus...for months on end.

The Internet has no visual proof of this

incident.

(7) LOOSE LIPSSINK SHIPS...

In Horry’s fourth and final season with the Lakers, there was no playoff battle against the Suns. Mikhail’s squad didn’t qualify for the post-season. But, when Horry was asked about then-Suns coach Frank Johnson’s less-than-championship assessment of the Lakers (as a pre-game guest), the man by-then dubbed “Big Shot Rob” said: “The Suns are a pussy organization without a single male chromosome...why do I care what some bitch says?”

(8) A HOLE IN THE FUCKITStill in the Western Conference, Horry’s first season with the Spurs picked up right where his time in purple-and-gold left off: Eclipsing the Suns. With his new team, Horry eliminated Mikhail’s Suns in six games, hitting two game winning shots in the Spurs’ four victories. Mostly ineffective throughout the series—only averaging 9.7 points and 4.2 rebounds—the media put Horry on a pedestal and wondered out-loud about his Hall of Fame prospects. Solely because of those two heroic-woop-dee-fuckin’-doo buckets.

By far, the most egregious disruption of Mikhail’s happiness in effect by one Robert Horry’s cause—up until this novel’s night in question aboard the #720—occured the year that Big Hag Bob won his seventh championship. Mikhail knew that his Suns were the better team and—all bias aside—there was no question that they were the team to cheer. A Suns victory was better for basketball...unfortunately, basketball wasn’t winning to start the series. The Suns ran their offense in Seven Seconds or Less...a system that turned basketball into ballet and defense into something for squares. The Spurs paired an exhaustingly-managed and thrill-less offense with a thuggish and brutish defense. They snuck in uproarious cheap shots under the guise of “wily veteran play,”

(9) CHEAP SHOT ROB ROBS SUNS

regardless of which end of the court they were on, all the while receiving some of the worst NBA ratings in the history of TV on The Internet. It was beyond Style vs Substance, it was Likeable vs. Unlikeable. At the age of 22, Mikhail watched the pivotal Game 4 in his purple Barkley jersey (from seventh grade) in a pool surrounded by a bunch of Westside Squares. Bountiful bikinis and backward white hats all around. The #34 rag once hung large on his 83-pound frame, but nine years after its purchase, the shit was properly snug. A few girls commented on the “ill fit.” Wearing sunglasses and watching the game on a flatscreen under the artificial lights of a supposed summer, Mikhail was loud about his Suns again.

After three hard-fought bouts rife with skirmishes and technical fouls, the Suns trailed two games to one and by two points with 11.2 seconds left in Game 4. Steve Nash, Shawn Marion and Raja Bell had the ball and all of the momentum and Mikhail knew that this was his year. Even with Amar’e Stoudemire and Boris Diaw fouled out, Nash was surely going to drain a three at the buzzer or create

some crazy shit and get the game into overtime. After a time-out, Nash took the inbound and brought it up the sideline only to get hip-checked by Horry into the scorer’s table. In an infraction against everything beautiful about basketball, the flagrant foul sucked the wind out of the Suns. And beyond the game, beyond the still surmountable 3-1 deficit they faced, Mikhail’s squad

lost Stoudemire and Diaw to suspension for a combined three games because they had the nerve to take two steps towards their point guard after he was violently assaulted. Not only was their point guard a two-time MVP, but he did it by getting his teammate’s the ball where they could score, put up highlights, and

add a few extra million to their contract demands. He fought hard and did good vibration shit like dedicate an entire season to Radiohead’s Kid A. Plus, his hair was long. An NBA rule, designed to keep black folks in line for all the league’s white fans, prohibits players to leave the bench during an on-court

(1) Horry and friend infect an unborn child with negative energy (2) After hip-checking Nash into the scorer’s table, Horry is restrained by a ref, all

the end of Game 5, losing the series at home two days later. It didn’t matter because everyone knew the outcome and they all told Mikhail their shit-fucking-amazing prediction of a Spurs win for the rest of Mikhail’s 6.5 hours in that musty, damp and incredibly purple jersey. There was no excuse for Horry’s behavior...he would have to pay. He had to.

altercation. Amar’e and Boris never touched a Spur, but the replay clearly showed their cowboy boots on the floor. By the book, they had to be suspended at least one game. Amar’e was suspended an additional game when he told a reporter that the rule was “bullshit.” It didn’t matter that the Suns would put forth a spirited first half only to shrivel at

self-important like he was the one wronged (3) Celebrating his 7th championship (4) Scoring on the Suns’ Stoudemire in Game 2

be a wild thing and tweet#horrysucks & #PURErules ...or don’t.

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