BlogPaws 2010 - Blog to Book: Janiss Garza

Dear Sparkle:More Advice From One Cat

to Another...(No Humans!)

A Proposal

Contact:Lisa Grubka

Foundry Literary + Media212-601-9339

Famed Cat Expert

Noted Advice Columnist

Book Critic

Supermodel

Award-Winning Author

Meet Sparkle the Designer Cat

Dear Sparkle: A Proposal

Table of Contents

Overview � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 4

Q&A with Sparkle � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 6

The Cat Marketplace � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 9

Complementary Books � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 11

Praise for Dear Sparkle: Advice From One Cat to Another � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 14

Sparkle in the Press � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 16

Sparkle on the Internet � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 18

Marketing and Events � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 20

Possible Spin-Off Books and Projects � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 22

Chapter Outline � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 23

Sample Advice From Each Chapter � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 26

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Overview

“If cats ruled the world…wait a minute, we already are in charge!”

It’s always impressive when a first-time author wins an award. It’s even more impressive

when the first-time author is a cat. But mere months after its release, Dear Sparkle: Advice from

One Cat to Another won the Wild Card category at the 2007 Hollywood Book Festival. Sparkle

the Designer Cat knows how to beat humans at their own game, whether it’s in her advice col-

umn or on the literary circuit. Now she’s sharpened her claws to dole out more cat-to-cat advice

in Dear Sparkle: More Advice from One Cat to Another.

The Dear Sparkle volumes are not your usual human-written cat books. Even when hu-

mans want to help, they lack the feline instinct that is both the source and the solution to real cat

problems. As a full-blooded feline (100% Somali, as a matter of fact), Sparkle understands what

troubles her fellow cats and offers her insight. Whether it’s a confused kitty who doesn’t under-

stand why he’s supposed to stay off the couch, a cat who’s furious because the new puppy ate his

catnip stash, or a freaked out feral who wants to return to the wild, Sparkle the Designer Cat has

the answer for their woes in her latest book.

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Sparkle’s advice column began in 2003 as an adjunct to her online diary, www.sparklecat.

com, but it soon became the most popular section of her website. Her sage advice and pointed

witticisms have earned her thousands of fans on the internet and celebrity status on social net-

working sites such as Twitter and MySpace. In late 2006, her advice first became available in

book form, and it has been embraced not only by cat owners, but by anyone who enjoys light-

hearted, fun books. In addition to being a winner in the Wild Card category at the Hollywood

Book Festival, Dear Sparkle was also an honorable mention in the same category at the 2007

New York Book Festival.

But enough of the preamble…wouldn’t you rather talk with Sparkle herself?

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Q&A with Sparkle

Let me get this right…a cat expert who’s a cat?

Look at it this way: which would you trust more—a book about France written by a Frenchman

or one written by someone who only studied about France in school? I will confess that there are

many good cat books out there that were written by humans, but if you examine them between

the lines, you’ll find something missing—that unique point of view that only cats have. A true

expert has been there and done that. And unless you’re a cat, you probably haven’t used a litter

box, eaten much kibble or been yelled at for sharpening your claws on the rug. As a cat, I’ve had

all these experiences and many more. So yeah, I’m definitely an expert.

So…What Makes You a Cat Expert Among Cats?

I confess I started my advice column on my website, sparklecat.com, at a very early age—I

was just a little over a year old in September, 2003. At the time I probably didn’t have the right

to dole out cat advice. But I’ve always had a talent for observation, and living with two other

cats, two humans and (ugh) a dog has taught me some invaluable lessons. Plus I have a couple

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of qualities that many cats (not to mention humans) seem to lack: a logical mind and common

sense. Both, I think, are necessary requirements for any advice giver, feline or otherwise.

You’re a purebred—how can you possibly relate to the problems of common cats?

You’re assuming that just because I can trace my lineage that I can’t relate to a shelter cat or a fe-

ral? The two cats I live with came from unfortunate circumstances—one from the meanest shel-

ter in Los Angeles, and the other one dumped in a box in the parking lot of a vet clinic—and we

all have to deal with the same pair of humans and the same dog, not to mention each other. Trust

me, I don’t get preferential treatment because of my background, or because my father appeared

on the cover of Cat Fancy magazine in 2001. Sometimes I wish I did get preferential treatment,

but actually it’s the other way around—because of my internet success and talents, I’m expected

to help support the other cats here. I work for my kibble. The other two cats are freeloaders.

What is a Somali anyway?

We come from the Abyssinian breed. In fact, with our ticked fur and classic facial markings, we

Somalis look quite a bit like them, only a bit plusher and with a big, bushy tail. Humans some-

times compare our look to squirrels or foxes—but please don’t do that. It’s insulting.

You seem awfully literate for a cat—are you sure you’re not getting human help?

Wow, the insults keep coming, don’t they? I do happen to live with a human who is an editor and

published author (she co-wrote White Line Fever, the autobiography of heavy metal frontman

Lemmy Kilmister of Motörhead). She cleans up my writing and makes sure everything is spelled

correctly. She is also my personal photographer—together we won First Place in a contest held

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by Cats USA, the annual magazine put out by the humans at Cat Fancy. But the voice expressed

in my writing is absolutely my own. Trust me, if either of my roommates were to write a book,

it would sound completely different…and a lot less literate. Seriously. They make the LOL Cats

sound like geniuses.

When you say “No Humans” in your title, do you really mean it?

Yes and no. That’s one of the secrets about my book. The advice is definitely geared towards

helping cats solve their problems, but between the lines there are usually clues humans can use

to avoid the problems suffered by the cats in the first place. I added “No Humans” to the title for

two reasons: 1) to let cats know that my book was written specifically for them; and 2) because

the only creatures on earth with more curiosity than cats are humans, so they’re bound to pick it

up too, and maybe learn something about cat behavior. I’ve made the advice fun and entertain-

ing so that the humans don’t realize they’re learning something. Humans are best taught through

indirect means, I’ve discovered.

Truthfully, is there a place for a cat author in an economic downturn?

Like most cats, I don’t sully my paws with finances—I leave that to humans—but I do know one

historic fact: in times of bad economy humans still want to be entertained and give gifts, and

Dear Sparkle is the perfect inexpensive gift for a cat lover. As pets, it’s our job to offer comfort

when our humans are feeling sad. At the same time, humans are always on the lookout to find

special ways to better connect with their pets; my book can help with that. And the cat market is

big—even bigger than you might know. You’ll find the facts and figures in the next section.

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According to the Humane Society, there are approximately 74.8 million owned dogs in

the United States. This makes dogs the number two most owned pet in the U.S. because there

are about 88�3 million owned cats! Thirty-four percent of U.S. households (38.4 million) own at

least one cat; more than half of these households have two or more. Through 2008, the U.S. pet

industry has suffered few effects from the poor economy; the American Pet Products Association

estimates that the pet industry pulled in 43.4 million dollars in 2008—2.2 billion more than in

2007. Even in 2009, this industry is expected to grow, although more slowly, while many other

industries are shrinking. Cat Fancy magazine, with over half a million monthly readers (huge for

a niche market), has been published since 1965, making it one of the most enduring periodicals

of the past 50 years.

Our world is becoming increasingly pet centric, and people consider their pets part of

the family. Dear Sparkle speaks to today’s cat owner, whether it’s the Baby Boomer whose cats

The Cat Marketplace“As much as we’ve tried to teach them, humans still haven’t learned that

their lives should completely revolve around us cats.”

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are filling in for the children who have grown up and moved away, or the busy professional who

comes home from work to her faithful feline friend every night. These readers will find the spirit

of their own pets in Sparkle’s unique blend of warmth, sarcasm and pure cattitude. And as the

next section shows, cat lovers are definitely book buyers.

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Complementary Books

“Just as important as content is a book’s tastiness and the quality of its sitting surface.”

Cats have an enduring popularity among readers. Here are some cat books (about cats, by cats

and cat stories) that share Dear Sparkle’s readership. Some may view such books as competition,

but they are more complementary, since people tend to buy more than one cat book, the same

way they often own more than one cat. Here are Sparkle’s thoughts on each book:

The Devious Book for Cats: A Parody by Joe Garden, Janet Ginsburg, Chris Pauls, and

Anita Serwacki (Villard)

Based on the best-selling Dangerous Book for Boys, this volume gives advice to cats that is

funny, but nowhere near as practical as what I dole out. I have to admit, however, there are some

great tips on food stealing.

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Bad Cat: 244 Not-So-Pretty Kitties And Cats Gone Bad by Jim Edgar (Workman)

It’s mainly a picture book of misbehaving cats with captions that went on to become a series of

calendars. It’s pretty amusing, but not very helpful.

Stuff on My Cat: The Book and More Stuff on My Cat by Mario Garza (no relation to my

human) (Chronicle)

Here’s an idea that, like my advice column, started on the internet and took off. In fact, so many

people wanted to see photos of random items on cats that there is now a second volume. While as

a cat I think the photos are undignified, I have to begrudgingly admit the idea worked.

I Can Has Cheezburger? A LOLcat Colleckshun by Professor Happycat (Gotham)

Trust me, the average cat is much more literate than the ones you see on icanhascheezburger.

com, which is where these humorously captioned LOL cat photos originated. But humans refuse

to accept the fact that other creatures may equal or surpass them in intelligence, which explains

the popularity of this book.

Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World by Vicki Myron (Grand Central)

One of the best selling books of 2008, and just a really great story. Proof that a great cat book has

a large audience.

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The Cat Behavior Answer Book: Practical Insights & Proven Solutions for Your Feline Ques-

tions by Arden Moore (Storey)

This is a really useful book by a human cat expert. But it doesn’t have the entertainment value

my book has. Humans will buy this book when they need to do something about their cat’s be-

havior. They will buy my book when they want to be entertained, and they may not even realize

they’re learning something at the same time.

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Praise for Dear Sparkle: Advice From One Cat to Another

“This book is better than a bag full of kitty treats. (And much healthier!) Sparkle is most defi-nitely the Dear Abby of the feline world.”

—Quasi, author of The World Is Your Litter Box

“I think Sparkle has re-invented the standard for all know-it-all cats, combining humor, a little bit

of wisdom, and a sense for punky, cat-styled interior design. Come to think of it, Sparkle can also

inspire people, as well, showing how cats seem to think. This is a fun read.”

—Anne Leighton, Cat Fancy contributor, and author of Paws for Thought: How to Understand

What Your Cat is Thinking

“Sparkle is a feline philosopher par excellence when it comes to sharing cat-on-cat wisdom. If

your life seems duller than stale catnip, Dear Sparkle will show you how easy it is to whip your

owner and your home into shape. You’ll want to keep this book right beside your litter box. It’s

worth its weight in toys and treats!”

—Fred (dictated to Karen Wormald, author of How to Work Like a CAT)

www.worklikeacat.com

“Sparkle takes us to the forefront of our cat’s mind’s eye, giving us a fun and insightful look at

what our companions are really thinking. Each passage is filled with clever advice and a hint of

witty sarcasm. A great read for both cats and humans!”

—Kerry Hyde, PhD, Cat Behaviorist

“When it comes to advice, Sparkle is the best. Much better than that of our human, who has

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made many advice faux pas in her time—such as ‘It’s not dinner yet,’ or ‘I just fed you,’ or

‘There’s such a thing as too much dairy,’ whereas Sparkle’s advice is always spot-on. Also,

Sparkle is very beautiful. We would be happy to touch noses with her. If there is one thing in life

better than an empty cardboard box or a dancing spot of light, it is Sparkle.”

—Tsuko and Buzz (dictated to author/writing coach Jami Bernard)

www.barncatpublishing.com

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Sparkle in the Press“I would hate having to look at the world through a human’s warped perspective.”

• The New York Times “Technology Bits,” November 6, 2008

“The Age of Tweety Cats,” twitter profile mentioned

http://bits.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/11/06/the-age-of-tweety-cats/

• Cat Fancy, March 2009

“How Virtual Fundraising Saves Actual Lives,” book mention

• Enterpreneur.com, July 2008

“5 Perfect ‘Spare-Time’ Online Businesses,” website mentioned

http://www.entrepreneur.com/ebusiness/gettingstarted/article194524.html

• Discovery.com, “Daily Cuddle” blog, December 19, 2008

Photo featured

• All Pets Radio

“Get Real Cat Advice in Feline Columnist’s Book Debut,” book article

http://www.allpetsradio.com/article.php?id=320

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• Cats on about.com, April 8, 2004

“Breed of the Week: Somali,” photo and website featured

http://cats.about.com/b/2004/04/08/breed-of-the-week-somali-2.htm

• Cats USA magazine, 2004 edition

Photo featured, first place contest winner

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Sparkle on the Internet“While the internet makes a nice cat toy, humans are still advised to invest in more traditional

playthings such as cat dancers and high quality catnip mice.”

Nowhere is the passion for cats more apparent than the internet. In addition to the many

thousands of human-run websites and blogs about cats and cat-related topics, there are also a

few thousand blogging cats—blogs and websites that are narrated by the cat itself. Look on

MySpace.com and you’ll find thousands of cat profiles. Even twitter.com, near the cutting edge

of social networking, features several hundred cat profiles, with the number growing every day.

Sparkle has been on the internet since January, 2003 and has nurtured a high-profile internet

presence since day one. In addition to her own website, she comments on other blogs, and has

earned links either to her own website or one of her social networking sites from high-traffic

destinations such as cats.about.com and nytimes.com.

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Here are some of Sparkle’s websites and social networking profiles, where she has been

and will be promoting Dear Sparkle:

http://www�sparklecat�com—her personal website, containing her journal, advice column, book

reviews and store.

http://www�advicecat�com—This will be the main website to promote Sparkle’s advice books.

In development and not yet live.

http://www�myspace�com/designercat—her MySpace profile, where she has nearly 2900

friends.

http://twitter�com/sparklecat—her Twitter account, where she is quickly heading towards 1000

followers.

http://www�youtube�com/user/SparklecatDotCom—her YouTube channel, which features a

paw-picked roster of the best cat videos YouTube has to offer, plus her own video clips, many of

which have received several thousand views (her top viewed video reached over 14,000 pairs of

eyes).

http://www�goodkittybook�com—the biggest chapter in Dear Sparkle is the one concerning hu-

man behavior issues, so it’s obvious that at some point, Sparkle will have to speak directly to hu-

mans herself. This is the site (and possible book) where she will be doing that. In development.

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Marketing and Events“Generally, humans really like to please you and they can be manipulated.”

While the campaign for Dear Sparkle is already established in the web-based world of

social networking, the push in other venues has barely begun. Here are just a few ways that the

book can be promoted:

• Magazine and webzine interviews� While Sparkle doesn’t do phoners (for obvious reasons),

she is more than happy to do interviews for print and internet via email. Some potential outlets

for her include Cat Fancy (where her human is already a contributor), high-traffic websites in-

cluding catchannel�com (Cat Fancy’s sister site), catster�com, the Animal Planet website (she

has already been featured in the discovery.com “Daily Cuddle” blog), and cats�about�com (site

guide Franny Syufy is an acquaintance). There is also a long list of cat websites and blogs that

Sparkle can contact for interviews.

• Other Cat Writers� Sparkle’s human, Janiss Garza, is a member of the Cat Writer’s Associa-

tion, an organization of over 200 members who write about cats. This is a supportive group, and

most will be more than happy to review the book for their journalistic outlets.

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• Promotional Video� While most promotional book videos aren’t that exciting, mainly because

they feature humans, a promotional book video starring a cat has the potential to become a viral

phenomenon.

• Cat Rescue Events� Cat lovers are passionate about rescuing homeless cats. Tying in Dear

Sparkle with rescue and adoption events will result in book sales and create goodwill in the cat

community.

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Possible Spin-Off Books and Projects“There are no bad cats—just poorly-trained humans.”

Here are other projects Sparkle has in the works:

• Dear Sparkle: Advice from One Cat to Another� The rights to the original, award-winning

book are available.

• Good Kitty! Cat Behavior Problems from a Cat’s Perspective� When you read Dear Sparkle, it

becomes clear that many cat behavior problems are really human behavior problems. So at some

point, Sparkle should write a book directly to humans to help them out. This is the tentative title

of that book.

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DEAR SPARKLE

CHAPTER OUTLINE

Introduction

1 Games Kitties Play

We cats can make a toy out of just about any inanimate (or ani-

mate) object. Twist-ties, pens, antique porcelain, crickets…ev-

erything’s fair game. There’s nothing more joyful than galloping

through a dark house at 3 a.m. Unfortunately, not every species

has such a well-developed play instinct. Humans, for example—

their sense of play is almost as dull as their sense of smell. So it’s

no surprise that many cats write me, complaining that they’re not

being allowed their full measure of fun. Such letters always sadden me—we cats thrive on play,

and a lack of recreation can lead to inappropriate acting out. But then, some humans consider

many of our amusements inappropriate to begin with. So you can see why this topic alone keeps

me very busy handing out advice.

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2 Strange Invasions

A cat’s home is not her castle—it’s her whole universe, especially

if she’s indoors-only, like I am. So you can imagine how aggrieved

we are when some strange creature comes along and squats on

our property. There are only two types of beings we accept on our

turf without complaint: those that give us food and those that are

food. Not in either category? Then who needs you? Considering

how famous we cats are for protecting our territory, and marking

it if necessary, I’m constantly amazed at the ways we cats get our space invaded. You will be too

when you read these yowls for help.

3 Cat Vs� Human

Sometimes I wonder why we cats have chosen to live with

these large, furless creatures known as humans. They’re

clumsy, not very bright, and they expect every other crea-

ture to speak Human. It’s a rare occurrence when one of

them even attempts to learn the most basic Cat language.

So no wonder there’s such a huge communication break-

down between cats and humans. Usually when there’s a

difference of opinion, the cat will win because we are very persistent. But every so often a hu-

man comes along who just refuses to get it. That’s when a letter, such as the ones in this chapter,

will pop up in my mailbox.

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4 Litter Box Letters

Considering how much humans complain about our

litter boxes (especially when we don’t use them),

you might guess that this would be the longest

chapter in the book. But you guess wrong. Cats

don’t have litter box issues. We either like ours or

we don’t, and if we don’t, we take our business

elsewhere. It’s the humans who think that this is a

Big Deal. The only time I get letters from cats about their litter boxes is when their humans are

having some weird issues about the confounded things. Just wait ’til you hear some of the weird

behavior they exhibit over something that should be a cat’s private matter!

5 Mixed Mailbag

Every cat has his or her own unique problems, and not every letter

I get can be easily categorized. Some cats don’t have a permanent

set of humans or a home of their own. Some are outlaws in ev-

ery sense of the word. And although this may be hard for you to

believe, some cats are just a little bit insane. But they still write to

me for advice. In fact, I’m often the only one they can turn to—

they’re certainly not going to approach a human with their dilemma! It’s times like these that

require me to use every bit of feline insight I have at my clawtips.

Acknowledgements

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Sample Advice

From

Each Chapter

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1Games Kitties Play

Mayhem After Midnight

Dear Sparkle,

I have to complain about my humans’ schedule. They are always asleep during the best time for

play, which is around 3 or 4 a.m. I do my best to get them up at this hour—I jump on them, run

through the house, knock things off their nightstand, you know, the usual—but it never works.

They just get mad and yell at me. I don’t understand why they are such grouches. If I did the

same to any cat, he’d be up instantly and ready to wrestle! It seems that all my humans want to

do is roll over and go back to sleep. Is this because they are old? I am 3 and a half and I know

they have to be at least ten times my age. I just thought that maybe humans aged slower than

cats, since their life span is so much longer. Is there any way I can get these humans out of bed

and excited to play?

Signed,

Frisky

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Dear Frisky,

The biggest problem I see here is that you are expecting your humans to behave like cats, and

that just isn’t possible. Humans are not as tuned in to the world as cats are. They can’t just drop

down and nap at will. Their lumbering bodies are anything but agile. They place excessive im-

portance on useless things like sitting in front of a desk and fiddling around with strange, unin-

teresting machines. Do you really expect such dull, graceless creatures to understand that 4 a.m.

is playtime? It has nothing to do with age; it’s human nature. I hate to bum you out, but it’s better

that you know what you’re dealing with.

What you really need is a friend who understands about the important things in life,

whose schedule more closely resembles your own. I am referring, of course, to another cat. If

you had a roommate to pal around with, you wouldn’t feel the need to get your humans up at

what they consider an “ungodly hour.” Of course, this will probably still happen since you and

your friend will both be jumping on the bed, knocking things off the nightstand and running

through the house. But of course, that’s not your problem, and my advice column is for cats, not

humans.

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2Strange Invasions

Pet Sitter Protest

Dear Sparkle,

Every time my humans leave town, they have this strange woman come over to feed us and

spend the night. She’s called a “pet sitter,” and my three roommates (two tabbies from the local

rescue, and the fuzzy gray cat who showed up at the back door one day) tell me she’s okay, but I

don’t believe them. She smells weird and even the food smells different when she gives it to us.

Whenever this woman comes over, I spend most of my time under the bed until my humans ret

urn. Now they are pulling out those dreaded suitcases again, which means that pet sitter is com-

ing back. Is there some way to get her out of the house so I can have some peace…or is it true,

like my roommates say, that I can use her to my advantage?

Signed,

Dubious

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Dear Dubious,

I have to agree with you—pet sitters do smell weird and unfamiliar, and the food does taste dif-

ferent when they serve it. I think that’s mainly because their scent mingles with the food dish

and hangs in the air after they’ve left us to eat. Humans have a really bad sense of smell, so they

have no clue what a big deal this is. I can’t blame you for hiding under the bed when this stranger

comes by. But it would probably be better for you if you came out of hiding to see just what this

pet sitter is all about.

It’s true that pet sitters can be manipulated, just like any other human, but not as much

as your roommates may believe. Most of them have a bunch of rules that they follow. Some of

these rules were even set down by your own humans before they left. So if you’re an overweight

cat who thinks you might weasel an extra treat or two out of the pet sitter, you’re probably out of

luck—your humans have already warned her not to give you any. And she’s probably not going

to give you any out-of-the-ordinary food or treats, no matter how yummy, because it might not

agree with you. Even worse, if the vet has prescribed you any medication, you will still have to

take it. On the other hand, if you like to play, you can probably get her to pull out your favorite

toys. In fact, her job is to keep you happy so it’s likely she will play with you for longer periods

of time than your humans do. And—surprise!—I bet she will also keep your litter box cleaner

than your humans do.

So pet sitters are a mixed bag. If you are expecting special food or if you are sick, you’re

not going to enjoy her very much. But in a lot of ways, she might treat you even better than your

humans do. This goes especially for the sleepover ones like you’re getting. So hold your nose

and give her a chance. If you decide you still don’t like her, you can always annoy her by wrestling

on the bed with your roommates all night. That should at least show her who rules your home.

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Dear Sparkle,

My human and I live by ourselves in a big apartment that overlooks a yard that attracts lots of

birds. I even have my own window perch so I can nap when I’m not bird watching. I think our

life is perfect, but my human apparently doesn’t agree because lately she’s been seeing this

guy—a lot! Sometimes she’s gone all night. Other times, he comes over and stays overnight.

I don’t like this guy. He’s big and loud and obnoxious and he smells funny. He watches noisy

things on TV, with people screaming a lot. Sometimes he screams at the TV. He’s very strange

and I don’t know what my human sees in him. Can I get rid of him somehow? He’s not mean

to me or anything—in fact, I usually hang out under the bed while he’s around so I don’t see all

that much of him. But my human’s talking like she wants to move in with him, which means we

would have to leave this cool apartment! This guy has to go. Any tips on what to do?

Signed,

Concerned

3Cat Vs� Human

Boyfriend Blues

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Dear Concerned,

I know how worrisome new humans can be. They are oversized, unpredictable creatures—plus

there’s that odd smell they all seem to have! And from the sounds of it, the one you’re dealing

with is less pleasant than most. He’s extra-large, loud, and he’s turning your own human into a

nitwit. I can totally understand why you’d want to get rid of him. That said, however, I do have

to admit that you’re jumping to conclusions here. Since you spend most of your time hiding from

this new human, things may not be as bad as you have assumed.

Instead of going into a panic and resorting to your most drastic measures, such as pee-

ing on his clothing or sharpening your claws on his pants leg (while he’s still wearing the pants,

of course), you should assess the situation first. So next time he comes over, get out from un-

der the bed and check him out. Walk over to him and give him a few cautious sniffs (try not to

wrinkle your nose), then step back and see what he does. For your sake, I hope he’s not one of

those obnoxious types who immediately makes a grab for you. Some male humans try to make

a good impression by showing off how good they are with the female human’s cat. This always

backfires, because as you know, we hate it when humans are too forward. If he tries this, I sug-

gest you scoot right back under the bed until he learns some manners. If he acknowledges your

presence but then lets you be, that’s good. Worse case scenario is if he pushes you away. Then

sure, go ahead and pee on his stuff. He deserves it. But if he behaves himself, take some time to

get to know him. Chances are he’ll be nice to you (he does want your human to be nice to him,

after all). Maybe your human will even encourage him to give you treats or play with you. The

situation can be manipulated in your favor, you know.

As for the moving part, I wouldn’t get too nervous just yet. Male humans hate change

almost as much as we cats do, so he may not be in any hurry to make a new home with you and

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your human. In fact, if he is slow enough maybe your human will grow tired of him and stop

seeing him. On the other hand, it’s also possible that you could wind up in a new home with even

more space and a yard that has a better selection of birds than what you already have. So calm

down! You really don’t know what’s going to happen and stressing out about the possibilities is

useless. Just keep a watchful eye on the situation, and that should give you a better idea on how

to proceed.

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Dear Sparkle,

I am two months old and my favorite thing to do is play. I suppose that’s logical, since I’m a kit-

ten! I haven’t met an object, animate or inanimate, that I haven’t been able to turn into a cat toy.

My human loves to watch me jump around and chase things, and sometimes she even plays with

me, except lately things have gotten kind of weird. One of my favorite games is to leap into the

litter box and roll around and kick out as much of the litter as possible. My human doesn’t like

it when I do this—when she catches me, she calls me “Icky” and “Smelly” (neither of which are

my name) and then she does the unthinkable: she gives me a bath! Lately this has been happen-

ing on a daily basis, and I am very, very unhappy about this, as you might imagine. What do you

suggest? Should I stay away from the litter box completely? I thought it was there just for me,

but now I have no idea what it’s for.

Signed,

Perpetually Playful

4Litter Box Letters

Sandbox Silliness

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Dear Playful,

I must commend you on your vocabulary—it’s quite advanced for such a young kitten. I also

admire your ingenuity at creating cat toys out of every object you encounter. You must have an

incredible imagination. But I have to agree with your human—your playing in the litter box is a

little strange. I think litter boxes are kind of disgusting and spend lots of time trying to get that

gritty feeling of the litter out from between my toes. It is icky and smelly! But that’s really my

human’s fault—she really could do a better job of keeping it clean. And since you seem to like

spending so much time in your litter box maybe your human should work even harder to keep

it spotless. It’s not your fault that you wind up smelling icky because your human left you with

a dirty litter box. And besides that, if she really wants to keep you from playing there, the best

thing she can do is distract you with a better toy. All that bathing and negativity will do is make

you hate the litter box and never use it for its original purpose.

If I sound a little put off by this habit of yours, don’t worry too much—you’re not the first

kitten I’ve heard of who makes his litter box into a plaything. From what I gather, the ones that

do will grow out of it after a few weeks. Kittens bore easily, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you

were off very soon, making a toy out of yet another object that your human deems inappropriate.

If that happens, feel free to write in again and we’ll suss it out.

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Dear Sparkle,

I was born in an abandoned shed on the outskirts of town. It sounds like a tough life, but it re-

ally wasn’t—there were dozens of us cats and kittens living in the area and while we did have to

scrounge for food now and again, a couple of women would come by nearly every day and feed

us. But then they started putting out these boxes with yummy tuna in them! You know I had to

check that out, and next thing, I was trapped in the box and taken away. You can imagine how

panicked I was—I screamed and thrashed around the box like crazy and tried to tear myself out

of it. So now I’m being held prisoner in this place with a bunch of other cats. Most of the other

cats seem to think this is okay and they kiss up to the humans who have us locked up. I won’t do

it—I hide every time they come in and try to hang out with us. I don’t really like humans, even

though I do appreciate the food they give us. Honestly, I just want my freedom back. I’m five

months old—almost six—so as you can tell I am almost grown up and I can do just fine on my

5Mixed Mailbag

Rebel With Four Paws

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own. How do I get outta here?

Signed,

Freaked Out and Feral

Dear FOF,

You may think you’re grown up at five months, but trust me, humans still think you’re a kitten.

And really, you are, even though it may not seem that way. In your world, cats might have kittens

when they’re barely seven months old. And that’s what these humans who have captured you are

trying to prevent. I imagine that along with picking up overly-curious kittens like yourself, they

are also doing something called TNR, which stands for Trap, Neuter and Return. They find colo-

nies of homeless cats, capture as many as they can and spay and neuter them so that they don’t

produce more kittens, thus keeping the population down. This is actually a good thing because it

means fewer cats wind up in pounds, or are killed by predators, dogs and mean humans. Some-

times these people also capture kittens and try to “socialize” them (make them human-friendly,

in other words), and then find them homes. It sounds like this was the intention with you—but

obviously, you are a hard case.

Unfortunately, if you have been held prisoner for a while, and not just spayed and released,

chances are that the humans have no intention of setting you free. In spite of your bad attitude

when you were captured, you were deemed “adoptable,” and they are probably intent on making

you human-friendly somehow. As you can tell by your fellow inmates, often their tactics work…

and sometimes they don’t. But even if you never warm up to humans, you probably won’t be set

free again—you’ll just be held in limbo with a group of other cats like yourself, who were cap-

tured wild and who prefer to stay that way. You can deal with this one of two ways: make friends

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with the other cats, eat the food the humans leave for you and continue to hide. Or suck it up,

make friends with the humans, get adopted…and figure out an escape route as soon as you get to

your new home. Oh, or you could always figure out a way to tolerate human companionship for

real (after a few months of goading, pleading and a lot of effort on the humans’ behalf), but I get

the feeling this may be below you.

BlogPaws 2010 - Blog to Book: Janiss Garza

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