Blackadder Goes Forth

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    Black Adder Goes Forth, Episode One

    Captain Cook

    [The dugout. Blackadder is sitting in a chair reading a book. A record is

    playing softly. cratching noises are heard.!

    Blackadder" Baldrick, #hat are you doing out there$

    Baldrick" %&' car(ing so'ething on this bullet sir.

    Blackadder" )hat are you car(ing$

    Baldrick" %&' car(ing *Baldrick*, sir.

    Blackadder" )hy$

    Baldrick" %t&s a cunning plan actually.

    Blackadder" Of course it is.

    Baldrick" +ou see, you kno# they say that so'e#here there&s a bullet

    #ith your na'e on it$

    Blackadder" +es$

    Baldrick" )ell, % thought if % o#ned the bullet #ith 'y na'e on it,

    %&d ne(er get hit by it, &cos % #on&t e(er shoot 'yself.

    Blackadder" Oh, sha'e.

    Baldrick" And, the chances of there being t#o bullets #ith 'y na'e on the' are (ery s'all indeed.

    Blackadder" That&s not the only thing around here that&s *(ery s'all

    indeed*. +our brain for ea'ple, is so 'inute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open there

    #ouldn&t be enough inside to co(er a s'all #ater-biscuit.

    [George enters.!

    George" Tally-ho pip-pip and Bernard&s your uncle.

    Blackadder" %n English #e say, *Good orning*.

    George" /ook #hat % got for you sir.

    Blackadder" )hat$

    George" %t&s the latest issue of *0ing 1 Country*. Oh, da'n

    inspiring stuff2 the 'aga3ine that tells the To''ies the truth about the #ar.

    Blackadder" Or alternati(ely, the greatest #ork of fiction since (o#s

    of fidelity #ere included in the French 'arriage ser(ice. [flicks through paper!

    George" Co'e, co'e, sir, no#. +ou can&t deny that this fine

    ne#spaper is good for the 'orale of the 'en.

    Blackadder" Certainly not, % 4ust think that 'ore could be achie(ed by

    gi(ing the' so'e real toilet-paper. [hands paper back to George!

    George" 5ot #ith you at all sir, #hat could any patriotic chap

    ha(e against this 'agnificent 'ag$

    Blackadder" Apart fro' his botto'$

    George" +es.

    Blackadder" )ell look at it. [takes the paper again! % 'ean the

    stuff&s about as con(incing as 6r. Crippen&s defence la#yer. The British To''ies are all portrayed as si foot si #ith biceps the si3e of Bourne'outh.

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    George" Thoroughly inspiring stuff. And look sir, this also arri(ed for you this 'orning. [hands paper bag to

    Blackadder!

    Blackadder" [opening bag, taking out a re(ol(er! 7'', do you kno# #hat this is, /ieutenant$

    George" %t&s a good old ser(ice re(ol(er.

    Blackadder" )rong. %t&s a brand ne# ser(ice re(ol(er, #hich %&(e

    suspiciously been sent #ithout asking for it. % s'ell

    so'ething fishy, and %&' not talking about the contents of

    Baldrick&s apple cru'ble.

    George" That&s funny sir, because #e didn&t order those ne#

    trench-cli'bing ladders either.

    Blackadder" 5e# ladders$

    George" +eah, ca'e yesterday. % issued the' to the 'en, and they #ere absolutely thrilled. [calls to Baldrick! %sn&t that

    right 'en$

    Baldrick" [fro' the door#ay! +es sir, first solid fuel #e&(e had since #e burned the cat.

    Blackadder" o'ething&s going on, and % think % can 'ake an educated

    guess #hat it is. o'ething #hich you, George, #ould find hard to do. [they go outside into the trench!

    George" Ah, true, true. )here % #as at school, education could go hang as long as a boy could hit a si, sing the school

    song (ery loud, and take a hot cru'pet fro' behind #ithout

    blubbing.

    Blackadder" %, on the other hand, a' a fully rounded hu'an being #ith

    a degree fro' the uni(ersity of life, a diplo'a fro' the

    school of hard knocks, and three gold stars fro' the

    kindergarten of getting the shit kicked out of 'e. y

    instincts lead 'e to deduce that #e are at last about to go o(er the top. [peers o(er the top of the trench #ith a

    periscope!

    George" Great cott sir, you 'ean, you 'ean the 'o'ent&s finally

    arri(ed for us to gi(e 7arry 7un a darned good British

    style thrashing, si of the best, trousers do#n$

    Blackadder" %f you 'ean, *Are #e all going to get killed$* +es.

    Clearly, Field arshal 7aig is about to 'ake yet another

    gargantuan effort to 'o(e his drinks cabinet si inches closer to Berlin.

    George" 8ight9 Bra(o-issi'o9 )ell let&s 'ake a start eh, up and

    o(er to glory, last one in Berlin&s a rotten egg.

    Blackadder" Gi(e 'e your hel'et, lieutenant.

    [George hands his hel'et to Blackadder, #ho thro#s it up into the sky. %''ediately hea(y 'achine-gun fire is heard.

    7e catches the hel'et, #hich no# has o(er :; holes in it,

    and gi(es it back to George.!

    George" +es, so'e sort of cle(er hat-ca'ouflage 'ight be in order.

    Baldrick"

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    Blackadder" % see. [enters the dugout again!

    Baldrick" +ou kno# staff 7= is al#ays on the lookout for good cooks$

    )ell, #e go o(er there, #e cook &e' so'ething, and get out

    of the trenches that #ay.

    Blackadder" Baldrick, it&s a brilliant plan.

    Baldrick" %s it$

    Blackadder" +es, it&s superb.

    Baldrick" [delighted! ;; of her close friends around for a #ine-and-anthra party. 5o, #e&ll ha(e to think of a

    better plan than that.

    Baldrick" 8ight, ho# about a nice 'eal, #hile you che# it o(er$

    Blackadder" [suspicious! )hat&s on the 'enu$

    Baldrick" 8at. [sho#s hi' a big black rat! aute or fricassee.

    Blackadder" [peers at the rat! Oh, the agony of choice. aute

    in(ol(es...$

    Baldrick" )ell, you take the freshly sha(ed rat, and you 'arinade it in a puddle for a #hile.

    Blackadder" 7'', for ho# long$

    Baldrick" ?ntil it&s dro#ned. Then you stretch it out under a hot light bulb, then you get #ithin dashing distance of the

    latrine, and then you scoff it right do#n.

    Blackadder" o that&s sauteing, and fricasseeing$

    Baldrick" Eactly the sa'e, 4ust a slightly bigger rat.

    Blackadder" )ell, call 'e Old r. ?n-ad(enturous but % think %&ll gi(e it a 'iss this once.

    [George enters, #earing a ne# hat decorated #ith barbed-#ire.!

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    Baldrick" Fair enough sir, 'ore for the rest of us.

    [to George! Eh sir$

    George" Absolutely,

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    brilliant ne# tactical plan to ensure final (ictory in the

    field. [they gather around a 'odel of the battlefield!

    Blackadder" 5o#, #ould this brilliant plan in(ol(e us cli'bing out of

    our trenches and #alking slo#ly to#ards the ene'y sir$

    6arling" 7o# can you possibly kno# that Blackadder$ %t&s classified

    infor'ation.

    Blackadder" %t&s the sa'e plan that #e used last ti'e, and the se(enteen ti'es before that.

    elchett" E-E-Eactly9 And that is #hat so brilliant about it9 )e

    #ill catch the #atchful 7un totally off guard9 6oing precisely #hat #e ha(e done eighteen ti'es before is

    eactly the last thing they&ll epect us to do this ti'e9

    There is ho#e(er one s'all proble'.

    Blackadder" That e(eryone al#ays gets slaughtered the first ten

    seconds.

    elchett" That&s right9 And Field arshal 7aig is #orried that this

    'ay be depressing the 'en a tadge. o, he&s looking to

    find a #ay to cheer the' up.

    Blackadder" )ell, his resignation and suicide #ould see' the ob(ious

    solution.

    elchett" %nteresting thought. ake a note of it, 6arling9 Take a look at this" *0ing 1 Country*.

    Blackadder" Ah, yes, #ithout Duestion 'y fa(ourite 'aga3ine2 soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent.

    elchett" Top-hole Blackadder, % thought it #ould be right up your

    alley. 5o#, Field arshal 7aig&s plan is this2 to co''ission a 'an to do an especially stirring painting for

    the co(er of the net issue, so as to really inspire the

    'en for the final push. )hat % #ant you to do, Blackadder,

    is to labour night and day to find a first rate artist

    fro' a'ongst your 'en.

    Blackadder" %'possible sir. % kno# fro' long eperience that 'y 'en

    ha(e all the artistic talent of a cluster of colourblind hedgehogs... in a bag.

    elchett" 7', #ell that&s a bit of a blo#. )e needed a 'an to lea(e the trenches i''ediately.

    Blackadder" /ea(e the trenches$

    elchett" +es.

    Blackadder" +es, % #onder if you&(e en4oyed, as % ha(e sir, that

    'ar(ellous painting in the 5ational

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    George" 5o, don&t stop sir. %t&s co'ing, it&s definitely co'ing.

    %, h', yeah, ah, er, h'. % 4ust #onder if t#o socks and a hand-grenade is really the sort of thing that co(ers of

    *0ing 1 Country* are 'ade of.

    Blackadder" They #ill be #hen % painted the' being sho(ed up the 0aiser&s backside.

    [George #alks o(er to Baldrick.!

    George" Ah, no#, no# this is interesting.

    Blackadder" )hat is$

    George" )ell,

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    Baldrick" %&' not lying do#n there, it&s all #et.

    Blackadder" )ell, let&s put it this #ay2 either you lie do#n and get

    #et, or you&re knocked do#n and get a broken nose.

    Baldrick" Actually it&s not that #et, is it$

    Blackadder" 5o. [pushes Baldrick do#n, splat!

    Baldrick" )ho are you going to be then sir$ The noble To''y$

    Blackadder"

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    elchett" Ecellent, at ease. 5o# then Blackadder, #here #ould you like 'e to sit$ % thought 4ust a si'ple tri' of the

    'oustache today, nothing drastic.

    6arling" )e&re here about the painting sir.

    elchett" Oh, yes, of course. [seeing George! Good /ord, George,

    hahahaaa, ho# are you 'y boy$ [nothing! % said ho# are you$

    Blackadder"

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    Blackadder" This is called *)ar*. [sho#s his o#n painting!

    elchett" 6a'n silly title George. /ooks 'ore like a couple of his

    socks and a stick of pineapple to 'e.

    George" Ah, per'ission to speak sir$9

    Blackadder" Er, % think not actually.

    elchett" =uite right, if #hat happens #hen you open your 'outh is anything like #hat happens #hen you open your paintbo,

    #e&d all be drenched in phleg'. Oh no, this isn&t #hat

    #e&re looking for at all, is it 6arling$

    6arling" 5o sir.

    elchett" 5o sir9

    Blackadder" There is this sir, it&s

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    elchett" Bra(o Blackadder, % ha(e absolutely no hesitation in appointing you our official regi'ental artist. +ou&re a

    da'n fine chap, not a pen-pushing, desk-sucking,

    blotter-4otter like 6arling here, eh 6arling$

    6arling" 5o sir.

    elchett" 5o sir9 )ell, acco'pany us back to 7= i''ediately.

    6arling" Attention9

    [elchett and 6arling eit.!

    George"

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    [Blackadder, Baldrick and George cra#ling across no-'an&s-land.!

    Blackadder" All right, total and utter Duiet, do you understand$ o

    for instance if any of us cra#l o(er any barbed #ire they

    'ust on no account goaaAAAAAAAAAA779

    Baldrick" 7a(e you 4ust cra#led o(er so'e barbed #ire sir$

    Blackadder" 5o Baldrick, % 4ust put 'y elbo# in a blob of ice crea'.

    Baldrick" Oh, that&s all right then.

    Blackadder" 5o#, #here the hell are #e$

    George" )ell, it&s difficult to say, #e appear to ha(e cra#led

    into an area 'arked #ith 'ushroo's.

    Blackadder" [patiently! )hat do those sy'bols denote$

    George"

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    George" Oh % see, no# that is a challenge.

    Blackadder" =uite. Co'e on, let&s get out of here.

    George" Oh sir, 4ust one thing. %f #e should happen to tread on a 'ine, #hat do #e do$

    Blackadder" )ell, nor'al procedure, /ieutenant, is to 4u'p :;; feet into the air and scatter yourself o(er a #ide area.

    ---------------

    [Back at 7eadDuarters.!

    6arling" Are you sure this is #hat you sa# Blackadder$

    Blackadder" Absolutely. % 'ean there 'ay ha(e been a fe# 'ore ar'a'ent

    factories, and [looks side#ays at George! not Duite as

    'any elephants, but...

    elchett" )ell, you kno# #hat this 'eans...

    6arling" %f it&s true sir, #e&ll ha(e to cancel the push.

    elchett" Eactly....

    George" 6a'n9

    Blackadder" )hat a nuisance...

    elchett" ...Eactly #hat the ene'y #ould epect us to do, and therefore eactly #hat #e shan&t do9

    Blackadder" Ah.

    elchett" 5o#, if #e attack #here the line is strongest, then Frit3

    #ill think that our reconnaissance is a total sha'bles.

    This #ill lull hi' into a sense of false security, and

    then net #eek #e can attack #here the line is actually

    badly defended. And #in the greatest (ictory since the )inchester flo#er-arranging tea' beat 7arro# by t#el(e

    sore botto's to one9

    Blackadder" Tell 'e, ha(e you e(er (isited the planet Earth, sir$

    elchett" o, best fighting trousers on, Blackadder9

    George"

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    Blackadder" *7ere lies Ed'und Blackadder, and he&s bloody annoyed.*

    Baldrick" Are #e goin& o(er, are #e sir$

    Blackadder" +es, #e are. ?nless % can think of so'e brilliant plan.

    Baldrick" )ould you like so'e *rat-au-(an* to help you think$ [sho#s

    Blackadder a tin plate #ith a (ery flat rat on it!

    Blackadder" *8at-au-(in*$

    Baldrick" +eah, it&s rat that&s been...

    Blackadder" [4oins in! ..run o(er by a (an. 5o thank you Baldrick.

    Although it gi(es 'e an idea. Telephone please.

    ---------------

    [7eadDuarters, later that night. elchett and 6arling are dining.!

    6arling" % suppose Blackadder and his boys #ill ha(e gone o(er the

    top by no#.

    elchett" +es. God, % #ish % #ere out there #ith the', dodging the bullets, instead of ha(ing to sit here drinking this

    chateau /afite, eating these Filets ignon in sauce

    Bernaise.

    6arling" y thoughts eactly sir. 6a'n this Chateau /afite.

    elchett" 7e&s a (ery bra(e 'an, Blackadder. And of course that /ieutenant of his, George, Ca'bridge 'an you kno#. 7is

    uncle Bertie and % used to break #ind for our college.

    lightly unusual taste, this sauce Bernaise...

    6arling" +es sir, and to be Duite frank, these 'ignon are a

    little... #ell...

    elchett" )hat$

    6arling" )ell, dungy.

    elchett" )hat on earth&s #rong #ith our cook$

    6arling" )ell, it&s a rather strange story sir.

    elchett" Oh$ Tell, tell.

    6arling" )ell sir, % recei(ed a phonecall this afternoon fro'

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    Blackadder" Oh da'n, so #e ha(e. One thing pu33les 'e Baldrick2 ho# did you 'anage to get so 'uch custard out of such a s'all cat$

    ---------------

    B / A C 0 A 6 6 E 8

    G O E F O 8 T 7

    Captain Ed'und Blackadder 8O)A5 AT0%5O5

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    Black Adder Goes Forth, Episode T#o

    Corporal

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    George" Oh no#, sir, you really shouldn&t do this you kno#9

    Ed'und" Co'e on George, #ith >;,;;; 'en getting killed a #eek #ho&s going to

    'iss a pigeon$ Hshoots the pigeon deadI

    George" )ell, not you, ob(iously, sir.

    Ed'und" %n any case, its&s scarcely a court 'artial offence. Get plucking,Baldrick.

    Baldrick" Alright, sir. /ook, it&s got a little ring &round it&s leg, there&s

    a no(elity9

    George" Oh really, is there a paper hat as #ell$

    Baldrick" 5o, but there&s a 4oke. 8ead it out, sir.

    George" %t&s a bit charred. o'ething so'ething at once..

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    Baldrick" Hthinking it o(erI ?''....

    6arling" /ieutenant$

    George" ir.

    6arling" 6o you 'ind ans#ering a couple of Duestions$

    George" 5ot at all, sir. )e didn&t get any 'essages and Blackadder definitelydid not shoot this delicious plu'p breasted pigeon.

    Ed'und" Good.

    6arling" And look sir, pigeon feathers. )hite feathers (ery apt, eh Blackadder$

    elchett" )hite feathers$

    Baldrick" Oh no, sir, that&s gobblei4uke9 They&re not #hite, they&re sort of

    speckly9

    elchett" HshockedI peckly$9 AA777777779 +O? 7OT +

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    Ed'und" A big, bearded, bonking, butch Oscar. The terror of the ladies. NN@

    illegita'ate children, #orld hea(y#eight boing cha'pion, and authorof the best-selling pha'plet, *)hy % /ike To 6o %t )ith Girls*.

    attingburg had hi' sent do#n for being a #hoopsie. Henter BaldrickI

    Ah, Baldrick. Anything fro' attingburg yet$

    Baldrick" +es, sir. %t 4ust arri(ed, sir.

    Ed'und" )hat is it$

    Baldrick" ponge bag, sir.

    Ed'und" A sponge bag.

    Ed'und" Baldrick, % ga(e you t#o notes. +ou sent the note asking for a sponge

    bag to the finest 'ind in English legal history.

    Baldrick" Certianly did, sir9

    Ed'und" And you sent the note reDuesting legal representation to...

    Henter GeorgeI

    George" )ell, tally-ho, #ith a bing and a bong and a bu33-bu33-bu339 HT7?

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    Ed'und" That&s the clerk of the court.

    George" %s it$ Oh9

    Ed'und" )e ha(en&t started yet.

    Henter 6arlingI

    6arling" Good luck, Blackadder.

    Ed'und" )ell, thank you, 6arling. And #hat&s your big 4ob here today$

    traightening chairs$

    6arling" 5o, in fact %&' appearing for the prosecution. % #ouldn&t raise your

    hopes too 'uch, you&re guilty as hell, you ha(en&t got a chance.

    Ed'und" )hy thank you, 6arling. And % hope your 'other dies in a freak

    yachting accident.

    6arling" ust doing 'y 4ob, Blackadder.

    Ed'und" Obeying orders, and of course, ha(ing enor'ous fun into the bargain.

    % #ouldn&t be too confident if % #ere you, any reasonably i'partial

    4udge is bound to let 'e off.

    6arling" )ell, absolutely.

    Ed'und" )ho is the 4udge, by the #ay$

    elchett" HboldlyI e9

    Ed'und" %&' dead.

    elchett" )ell, co'e on, then. Co'e on. Get this o(er in fi(e 'inutes, and

    then #e can ha(e a spot of lunch. Hso'e noise fro' the othersI The court is no# in session, General ir Anthony Cecil 7og'enay elchett

    in the chair. The case before us is that of the cro#n (s. Captain

    Ed'und Blackadder, the flanderous pigeon 'urderer9 Oh, uh hand 'e

    the black cap, %&ll be needing that.

    Ed'und" % lo(e a fair tr ial.

    elchett" Anything to say before #e kick off, Captain 6arling$

    6arling" ay it please the court, as this is clearly an open and shut case, %

    beg lea(e to bring a pri(ete prosecution against the defence councilfor #asting the court&s ti'e.

    elchett" Granted. Council, he is fined fifty pounds for turning up. This is

    fun9 This is 4ust like a real court9 Alright9 /et the trial begin9 The chagre before us is that the flanderous pigeon 'urderer did de-

    liberately, callously, and #ith beastliness of forethought 'urder a

    lo(ely, innocent pigeon. And disobeyed so'e orders as #ell.

    %s this true$

    George"

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    George" Captain, lea(ing aside the incident in Duestion, #ould you think of

    Captain Blackadder as the sort of 'an that #ould usually ignore orders$

    6arling" +es, % #ould.

    George" Ah, u'. +ou sure$ % #as rather banking on you saying no.

    6arling" %&' sure. %n fact, % ha(e a list of other orders he&s disobeyed,

    if it #ould be useful. 5o(e'ber NJth, L"N>a', N;":a', N;":@a',NN"NKa'...

    George" +ou 'issed one out, there.

    6arling" ...N;";a', NN"@Ja'...

    Ed'und" George9

    George" )hat$ Oh, oh ye-ye-right, yes. Thank you, Captain. 5o further

    Duestions.

    Ed'und" )ell done, George. +ou really had hi' on the ropes.

    George" 6on&t #orry, old 'an. % ha(e a last and % think you&ll find decisi(e

    #itness. Call

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    elchett" Ho(er#rought, pointing his finger at Ed'undI +E, T7AT& 7%999

    T7AT& T7E A599999 AA77777 AAAA77777799999

    6arling" 5o 'ore Duestions, sir.

    elchett" ery good, ecellent, first class. Carry on. % therefore ha(e ab- solutely no hesitation in announcing that the sentence of this

    court is" that you Captain Ed'und Blackadder be taken fro' this

    place and shot to death by shooting to''orro# at da#n. Hbangs ga(elI. 6o you ha(e anything to say$

    Ed'und" +es, can % ha(e an alar' call, please$

    Hat the cellI

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    Baldrick" 5o.

    Ed'und" A false passport$

    Baldrick" HthinksI 5o.

    Ed'und" A change of clothes$

    Baldrick" +es sir, of course % #ouldn&t forget a change of clothes.

    Ed'und" Ah, no# that&s so'ething, let&s see.....a 8obin 7ood costu'e.

    Baldrick" % put in a French peasant&s outfit first, but then % thought

    &)hat if you arri(e in a French peasant&s (illage and they&re in the 'iddle of a fancy dress party$&

    Ed'und" And #hat if % arri(e in a French peasant (illage, dressed in a8obin 7ood costu'e and there isn&t a fancy dress party$

    Baldrick" )ell, to be Duite frank sir, % didn&t consider that e(entuality,

    because if you did, you&d stick out like a.....

    Ed'und" HinterruptingI /ike a 'an standing in a lake #ith a s'all painted

    #ooden duck on his head$

    Baldrick" Eactly9

    Hre-enter

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    Duad 'an :" 5o, and a lo(ely roo'y forehead.

    Duad 'an " A good pulse and 4ugular, there as #ell.

    Ed'und" /ook, %&' sorry, % kno# you 'ean to be friendly, but % hope you #on&ttake it a'iss if % ask you to sod off and die.

    /eader" 5o, no, no, no, no, no, no, fair enough, &course not, sir. 5o onelikes being shot first thing in the 'orning, do they$ 5o, no, no,o, look fore#ard to seeing you to'oro#, sir. +ou&ll ha(e a blindfold

    on of course, but you&ll recogni3e 'e. %&' the one that says, *8eady,

    ai', fire9*

    Ed'und" Can % ask you to lea(e a pause bet#een the #ord *ai'* and the #ord

    *fire*$ Thirty or forty years, perhaps$

    /eader" Ahh, #ish % could pause, sir. % really #ish % could, but % can&t, you

    see, cos %&' a tabler, you see.

    Hlots of inaudible lines, sorryI

    HFiring Duad lea(esI

    Ed'und"

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    Baldrick" +ou send a telegra'.

    George" Of course9 % send a telegra'.

    Baldrick" +eah9

    George" )ho to$

    Baldrick" To the person in the letter.

    George" )hat letter$

    Baldrick" To your 'other.

    George" % send a telegra' to 'y 'other$9

    Baldrick" 5o9

    George" 5o9

    Baldrick" +ou send a telegra' to the person in the letter to your 'other.

    George" )ho #as in the letter to 'y 'other$

    Baldrick" % can&t re'e'ber9

    George" )ell, think, think9

    Baldrick" 5o, you think think9

    George" )ell, % ahh...tay here, of course, the

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    Houtside, #here Ed'und is to be eecuted2 6a#n, a cock cro#sI

    Ed'und" &orning.

    Firing Duad HallI" &orning.

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    George" Oh9 Bu-bu-bu-#hat started this drinking$ Oh, yes, #ell,#e #ere cele-brating getting Captain Blackadder off scot...Hrealises it&s too lateI

    free. Oh 'y sainted trousers, #e forgot9

    Baldrick" Oh #hoops.

    George" Oh no. 7e&s dead, you see. 7e&s dead dead dead because #e&re a pair of

    selfish so and so&s....HdespairinglyI oh, course, if % ha(e a rope, %&dput it around 'y neck and bally #ell hanged 'yself until it really hurt.

    HEd'und #alks inI

    Ed'und" 7i, George, &'orning, Baldrick. till the striking rese'blence to guppiefish at feeding ti'e. +ep, it arri(ed in the nick of ti'e.

    George" Oh, ecellent9

    Ed'und" Ah, so you&(e got the cotch out, ha(en&t #e$

    George" Oh, #ell, #ell, of course, sir, yes. )e #anted to lay on a bit of abash for your safe return, ah..here you go. Hgi(es Ed'und a drink,

    laughsI

    Ed'und" There #as a second telegra' that arri(ed actually George, addressedpersonally to you by your ?ncle.

    George" Oh, thank you, %....Htries to get letter fro' Ed'und, #ho opens and

    reads itI

    Ed'und" HreadsI &George, 'y boy, Outraged to read in dispatches ho# that ass

    elchett 'ade such a pig-ear out of your chu' Blackadder&s court-'ar-tial. 7a(e re(ersed the decision forth#ith. urprised you didn&t ask

    'e to do it yourself, actually.& 5o# this is interesting, isn&t it$

    George" ?h, uhh, yes, #ell, %, you see, sir. ?h..the thing is..

    Ed'und" +ou t#o got #ha''ed last night, didn&t you$

    George" )e--#ell, #ell, no, uh, uh. not #ha''ed eactly. A little tiddly,

    perhaps.

    Ed'und" And you forgot the telegra' to your ?ncle9

    George" )ell, n--n--n-no. 5ot, not, not co'pletely.

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    Black Adder Goes Forth, Episode Three

    a4or tar

    Hin the ar'y barracks, sound of #histling is heardI

    HEd'und sighsI

    George" +ou&re a bit chee3ed off, sir$

    Ed'und" George, the day this #ar began % #as chee3ed off. )ithin ten 'inutes

    of you turning up, % finished the chee3e and 'o(ed on to the coffee

    and cigars. And at this late stage, %&' in a cab #ith t#o lady co'-panions on 'y #ay to the

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    George" 5o# the reason #hy Chaplin is so funny, because he&s part of a great

    British 'usic hall tradition.

    Ed'und" Oh yes, the Great British usic 7all Tradition. T#o 'en, #ith incred-

    ibly uncon(incing Cockney accents going, *#hat&s up #ith you then$

    )hat&s up #ith 'e then$ +eah, #hat&s up #ith you then$ H$$$$$$$$I*GET O5 )%T7 %T999

    George" 5o# sir, that #as funny9 +ou should ha(e gotten a part yourself9

    Ed'und" Thank you, George, but if you don&t 'ind, %&d rather ha(e 'y tongue

    beaten #afer-thin by a steak tenderiser and then stapled to the floor

    #ith a croDuet hoop.

    Hloud (oices are heard outsideI

    Baldrick" Hrushing inI ir, sir, it&s all o(er the trenches9

    Ed'und" )ell, 'op it up then.

    Baldrick" 5o sir, the ne#s. The 8ussian 8e(olution has started. The 'asses ha(e risen up and sho(eled their nobs9

    George" )ell, hurrah9

    Ed'und" Hreading a ne#spaperI Oh no, the 8ussians ha(e pulled out of the #ar.

    George" )ell, #e soon sa#ed the' off, didn&t #e sir$ iserable slant-eye,

    sausage eating s#ine.

    Ed'und" The 8ussians are on our side, George.

    George" Oh really$

    Ed'und" And they&(e abandoned the Eastern Front.

    Baldrick" And they&(e o(erthro#n 5icholas %% #ho used to be bi33are.

    Ed'und" )ho used to be the c3ar, Baldrick. The point is, no# that the

    8ussians ha(e 'ade peace #ith the 0aiser. At this (ery 'o'ent,

    three Duarters of a 'illion Ger'ans are lea(ing the 8ussian Frontand co'ing o(er here #ith the epress purpose of using 'y nipples

    for target practise. There&s only one thing for it, %&ll ha(e to

    desert and %&' going to ha(e to do it....right no#.

    Henter General elchettI

    elchett" Are you lea(ing us, Blackadder$

    Ed'und" 5o sir.

    elchett" )ell %&' relie(ed to hear it. % need you to help 'e shoot 'ore

    deserters later on. There ha(e been so'e sub(ersi(e 'utterings

    a'ongst the 'en. +ou&ll recall the French ar'y last year at

    erdun #here the top eschelons suffered fro' horrendeous uprisings fro' the botto'.

    Ed'und" +es sir, but surely that #as traced to a ship'ent of garlic eclairs.

    elchett" 5onsense Blackadder9 %t #as bolshe(ist.

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    so'eone to help 'e organise it, you kno#. Ob(iously not a tough

    gri33led old soldier like yourself, but so'e kind of dandified nancy-boy #ho #ill be prepared to spend the rest of the #ar in

    the /ondon

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    elchett" % think you&ll find Bob 4ust the 'an for this 4ob, Blackadder. 7e has

    a splendid sense of hu'our.

    Ed'und" 7e sir$ 7e$ 7e$

    elchett" +ou see, you&re laughing already9 )ell then, Bob, %&ll lea(e you t#o together, #hy don&t you get to kno# each other, play a ga'e of cri'-

    'age, ha(e a s'oke, so'ething like that. They tell 'e that Captain

    Blackadder has rather a good line in rough shag. ?', %&' sure he&d be happy to fill your pipe. Carry on. HeitsI

    Ed'und" o you&re a &chap&, are you Bob$

    Bob" Oh yes, sir. HlaughsI

    Ed'und" +ou #ouldn&t say you #ere a girl at all$

    Bob" Oh, definitely not, sir. % understand cricket, % fart in bed, e(erything.

    Ed'und" /et 'e put it another #ay, Bob, you are a girl. And you&re a girl #ith

    as 'uch talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to getinto a &

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    George" )ell, % thought one or t#o cheeky gags, one follo#ed by &he #as only

    the iron'onger&s daughter but she kne# a surprising a'ount about fishas #ell&.

    Ed'und" HsarcaticI %nspired. )ell, at least you 'ade an effort #ith the dress,

    #hat is your costu'e, Baldrick$

    Baldrick" %&' in it, sir.

    Ed'und" % see. o your Charlie Chaplin costu'e consists of only that hat.

    Baldrick" Ecept that in this bo, %&(e a dead slug as a brillaint false

    'oustache.

    Ed'und" +es, it&s only Duite brilliant, % fear. 7o#, for instance, are you

    to attach it to your face$

    Baldrick" )ell, % #as hoping to persuade the slug to cling on, sir.

    Ed'und" Baldrick, the slug is dead. %f it failed to cling on to life, % see

    no reason that it should cling on to your upper lip.

    George" Baldrick, Baldrick co'e on. lugs are al#ays a proble'. )hat you do

    is scre# your face up like this you see and you can cla'p it bet#een

    your top lip and your nose.

    Baldrick" Hleaning back#ardI )hat$ /ike this, sir$

    George" ee, that&s it, that&s good. ir, sir, there&s a (isitor to see you.

    Ed'und" Hfaking, but con(incingI Good /ord, r. Chaplin9 This is indeed an

    honour. )hy, this calls for so'e sort of celebration. Baldrick, Bal-drick9

    George" ir, that is etraordinary, because, because this isn&t Chaplin at all.

    This is Baldrick.

    Baldrick" %t is, it&s 'e, sir9

    Ed'und" % kno#, % kno#. % #as, in fact being sarcastic.

    George" Oh, % see. ?''.

    Ed'und" E(erything goes abo(e your head, doesn&t it, George$ +ou should go toa'aica and beco'e a li'bo dancer.

    Hat the concert....backstage, George is seen gi(ing encoresI

    Bob" They lo(e hi', sir. )e&re a hit9

    Ed'und" +es, in one short e(ening, %&(e beco'e the 'ost successful i'presario

    since the 'anager of the 8o'an Coliseu' thought of putting the Christ-

    ians and the lions on the sa'e bill.

    Baldrick" ir, so'e people see' to think % #as best9 6o you agree$

    Ed'und" Baldrick, in the A'a3onian rain forests, there are tribes of %ndiansyet untouched by ci(ilisation #ho could de(elop 'ore con(incing Char-

    lie Chaplin i'pressionists.

    Baldrick" Thank you (ery 'uch, sir.

    Bob" Hrefering to George aka GeorginaI" 7e&s co'ing out.

    George" )hat do you think, Bob, one 'ore$ God, % lo(e attention9 Hgoes off

    stage to 4oin Ed'und and co'panyI %t&s in 'y blood and soul. Bal-

    drick, put this in so'e #ater, #ill you$

    HBaldrick dunks the flo#ers into the (ase upside-do#nI

    George" % need that applause in the sa'e #ay that a osler needs his osle.

    Bob" )ell done, sir9

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    George" Hbeing 'odestI 5o, sir, % really, % #as hopeless. % 'ean, tell 'ehonestly, sir, % #as, #asn&t %$

    Ed'und" )ell...

    George" 5o, no, no, co'e on, sir. Out #ith it, cos % really need to kno#,

    % #as hopeless.

    Ed'und" 5o....

    George" +ou&re trying to be nice and that&s (ery s#eet of you, but sir, please,

    % can take it. % #as hoepless.

    Ed'und" George, you #ere bloody a#ful9

    HGeorge sobs.I

    Ed'und" But you can&t argue #ith the bo office.

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    Ed'und" ?h, no, no. %t&s 4ust as her director, %&' afraid % could not allo#

    it.

    elchett" % can al#ays find another director #ho #ould allo# it9

    Ed'und" =uite. %&ll see #hat % can do, but % 'ust insist that she be ho'e by'idnight and that there&ll be no hanky-panky, sir, #hatsoe(er.

    elchett" % shall, of course, respect your #ishes, Blackadder. 7o#e(er % don&t think you need to be Duite so protecti(e. %&' sure she&s a girl #ith a great deal of spunk than 'ost #o'en you can find.

    Ed'und" Oh, dear 'e.

    Hat the barracksI

    George" Absolutely not, sir. %t&s profoundly i''oral, and utterly #rong. %

    #ill not do it.

    Ed'und" )e can al#ays find another leading lady.

    George" )ell, the dress #ill need a clean.

    Ed'und" Ecellent. 5o# the i'portant thing is, that elchett should, under nocircu'stances, realise that you are a 'an.

    George" +es, yes, % understand that.

    Ed'und" %n order to insure this, there are three basic rules. One, you 'ust

    ne(er, % repeat, ne(er re'o(e your #ig.

    George" 8ight.

    Ed'und" econd, ne(er say anything. Tell hi' at the beginning of the e(ening

    that you&re sa(ing your (oice for the opening night in /ondon.

    George" Ecellent, sir. And #hat&s the third$

    Ed'und" The third is 'ost i'portant, don&t get drunk and let hi' shag you on

    the (eranda.

    Hin elchett&s pri(ate Duarters. The general puts on an i'pressi(e be'edaledred 4acket. 6arling is #ith hi'.I

    elchett" Hafter a fe# sounds of self-satisfactionI 7o# do % look, 6arling$

    6arling" Girl-bait, sir.

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    e(ery inch of your gorgeous body in pether and snee3e all o(er you.&

    6arling" % really think % 'ust protest9

    elchett" )hat is the 'atter #ith you, 6arling$

    6arling" )ell, it&s all so sudden, % 'ean the nest bit&s f ine, but the pether

    business is definitely out9

    elchett" 7o# dare you tell 'e ho# % 'ay or 'ay not treat 'y belo(ed Georgina$

    6arling" Georgina$

    elchett" +es, %&' #orking on #hat to say to her this e(ening.

    6arling" Oh yes. Of course. Thank God.

    elchett" Alright$

    6arling" +es, %&' listening, sir.

    elchett" 7onestly 6arling, you really are the 'ost graceless, di'-#itted

    pu'pkin % e(er 'et.

    6arling" % don&t think you should say that to her.

    Helchett groansI

    Hat the barracksI

    Ed'und" )here&s that George$ %t&s three o&clock in the 'orning, he should becareful #andering the trench at night #ith nothing to protect his

    honour but a cricket bo.

    George HenteringI" 7ello Captain.

    Ed'und" About ti'e, #here the hell ha(e you been$

    George" )ell % don&t kno#, it&s all been like a drea', 'y (ery first ball.

    The 'usic, the dancing, the cha'pagne, 'y 'ind is a 'ad #orld. 7alf#hispered con(ersation #ith the pro'ise of indisretion e(er hanging

    in the air.

    Ed'und" 5o, that old stoke elchett tried for a snog behind the fruit cup.

    George" Certainly not9 The general beha(ed like a perfect gentle'an. )e tiredthe 'oon #ith our talking about e(erything and nothing. The #ar, 'ar-

    riage, proposed changes of the /B) rule.

    Ed'und" elchett isn&t 'arried, is he$

    George" 5o, no, all his life, he&s been #aiting to 'eet the perfect #o'an. And

    tonight, he did.

    Ed'und" o'e poor unfortunate had Old )alrus-face dribbling in her ear all

    e(ening, did she$

    George" )ell yes. As a 'atter of fact, % did ha(e to drape a napkin o(er 'yshoulder, yes.

    Ed'und" George, are you trying to tell 'e that you&re the General&s perfect#o'an$

    George" )ell, yes, % rather think % a'.

    Ed'und" )ell thank God the horny old blighthead didn&t ask you to 'arry hi'.

    HGeorge stares out to Ed'und, affir'ing this fact in silenceI

    Ed'und" 7e did$9 )ell ho# did you get out of that one$

    George" )ell, to be honest, sir, %&' not absolutely certain that % did.

    Ed'und" )7AT$9

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    George" +ou don&t understand #hat it #as like, sir. +ou kno#, the candles,the 'usic, the huge 'oustache, % can&t re'e'ber it. H$I

    Ed'und" +ou said &yes&$

    George" Oh, #ell he is a general, % didn&t really feel % could refuse. 7e

    'ight ha(e 'e court-'artialed.

    Ed'und" )hereas on the other hand, of course, he&s going to gi(e you theictoria Cross #hen he lifts up your frock on the #edding night

    and finds hi'self looking at the blast turkey at the shop.

    George" +es, %, %, % kno# it&s 'ess, ah but, you see, he got 'e scriffy andthen #hen he looked into 'y eyes and said &Chip'unk, % lo(e you.&

    Ed'und" C7%

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    Ed'und" %&' sorry sir.

    elchett" Hreco(eringI Oh #ell, can&t be helped, can&t be helped.

    6arling" olly bad luck, sir. Of course, on top of e(erything else, #ithout your leading lady, you #on&t be able to put on your sho#. o no

    sho#, no /ondon

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    Ed'und" Baldrick, 5O9 %t&s the #orst plan since Abraha' /incoln said, &Oh %&'

    sick of kicking around the house tonight. /et&s take in a sho#.& Andfor a start, General elchett is in 'ourning for the #o'an of his

    drea's. 7e&s unlikely to be in the 'ood to 'arry a t#o legged badger

    #rapped in a curtain.. Any#ay #e are looking for a great entertainer

    and you&re the #orst entertainer since t.

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    elchett" 6on&t be ridiculous, the #orst e(ening %&(e e(er spent in 'y life9 Hpaces for#ard to#ard Ed'undI

    Ed'und" Hpacing back#ardI %&' sorry$

    elchett" HyellsI )ill you stand still #hen %&' talking to you9 %f by a 'an&s

    #orks sho#ing H$$I that you #ere a stea'ing pile of horse 'anure.

    Ed'und" But surely, sir, the sho# #as a tri'uph.

    elchett" Hyells real loudI T8%?

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    Black Adder Goes Forth, Episode Four

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    Baldrick %&' a op#ith Ca'el, ir.

    BA Oh, it is a op#ith Ca'el. Ah, right, % al#ays get confused

    bet#een the sound of a op#ith Ca'el and the sound of a

    'alodourous runt #asting e(erybodys ti'e. 5o# if you can do #ithout 'e in the nursery for a #hile, %&' going

    to get so'e fresh air.

    [BA lea(es the dugout, picking up his pipe on the #ay out.!

    cene @" %n The Trench

    ----------------------

    [As he e'erges fro' the dugout BA sighs and prepares to light his pipe.

    Duadron Co''ander /ord Flasheart 4u'ps do#n fro' his crashed plane.!

    Flasheart 7a9 Eat knuckle, Frit39

    [Flasheart knocks BA to the ground #ith his pistol, then puts a foot onBA&s chest.!

    Flasheart Aha9 7o# disgusting. A Boche on the sole of 'y boot.

    % shall ha(e to find a patch of grass to #ipe it on.

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    BA Actually, no. % #as 'ore i'pressed by the contents of 'y handkerchief the last ti'e % ble# 'y nose.

    Flasheart +eah, like hell. 7uh, huh. +ou&(e probably got little

    piccies of 'e on the #alls of your dugout, ha(en&t you$

    [Flasheart tickles the front of BA&s trousers.!

    Flasheart % bet you go all girly and giggly e(ery ti'e you look at 'e.

    [Flasheart t#ists BA&s ohn Tho'as. BA HnaturallyI screa's.!

    BA %&' afraid not. ?nfortunately, 'ost of the infantry think

    you&re a prat. Ask the' #ho they&d prefer to 'eet"

    Duadron Co''ander Flasheart and the 'an #ho cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen, and they&d go for )ee ock

    *" BA&s 6ugout--------------------

    [George and Baldrick are discussing the Flying Aces.!

    George . . . so #hen that fello# looped-the-loop, % honestly

    thought that, that, that . . .

    [Flasheart enters, saluting. George sees hi'. BA enters behind Flasheart.!

    George y God9

    Flasheart +es, % suppose % a'.

    George /ord Flasheart, this is the greatest honour of 'y life.

    % hope % snuff it right no# to preser(e this 'o'ent

    fore(er.

    BA %t can be arranged.

    Baldrick /ord Flasheart, % #ant to learn to #rite so % can send a

    letter ho'e about this golden 'o'ent.

    Flasheart o all the fello#s hate 'e, eh$ 5ot a bit of it. %&'

    your bloody hero, eh, old scout$

    [Flasheart playfully scuffs up Baldrick&s hair, then notices that thisaction has left so'ething unpleasant on his glo(e.!

    Flasheart esus9

    [Flasheart #ipes his glo(e on BA&s shirt.!

    Baldrick y /ord, %&(e got e(ery cigarette card they e(er printed of

    you. y #hole fa'ily took up s'oking 4ust so that #e could get the #hole set. y grand'other s'oked herself to

    death so #e could afford the albu'.

    Flasheart Of course she did, of course she did, the poor lo(e-cra3ed

    old octogenarian.

    [Flasheart 'o(es to hug and kiss Baldrick, then thinks better of it.!

    Flasheart )ell, all right, you fello#s. /et&s sit us do#n and yarn

    about ho# a'a3ingly attracti(e % a'.

    BA +es, #ould you ecuse 'e for a 'o'ent$ %&(e got so'e

    urgent business. There&s a bucket outside %&(e got to be

    sick into.

    [Flasheart takes the 'ickey out of BA&s holier-than-thou attitude.!

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    Flasheart All right, you chaps, let&s get co'fy.

    [Flasheart sits do#n in chair. George sits do#n on BA&s cot. Flasheart

    turns to Baldrick.!

    Flasheart +ou look like a decent British bloke. %&ll park the old

    booties on you if that&s okay.

    Baldrick %t #ould be an honour, 'y /ord.

    [Baldrick kneels do#n on all fours in front of Flasheart.!

    Flasheart Of course it #ould9 7a9

    [Flasheart rests his feet on Baldrick&s back and sighs.!

    Flasheart 7a(e you any idea #hat it&s like to ha(e the #ind

    rushing through your hair$

    George 5o, ir.

    [Flasheart breaks #ind in Baldrick&s face.!

    Flasheart 7e has9

    cene J" BA&s 6ugout

    --------------------

    [o'e ti'e has elapsed. Flasheart is regaling an enthralled George #ith

    stories. BA is reading a copy of R0ing and Country& at the table,uninterested in #hat Flasheart has to say.!

    Flasheart . . . so % fle# straight through her bedroo' #indo#,

    popped a bo of chocs on the dressing table, 'achine-gunned 'y telephone nu'ber into the #all, and

    then shot off and shagged her sister.

    [As George creases up, Bobby

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    Flasheart Tally ho, then, Bobby. 7ush, here co'es a #hi33-bang and % think you kno# #hat %&' talking about9 )oof9

    Bobby )oof9

    [Flasheart and Bobby lea(e.!

    BA God, it&s like Crufts in here9

    [Baldrick and George stand.!

    George % say, ir. )hat a splendid notion. The T#enty inuters.

    oft tucker, tasty beds, fluffy unifor's.

    Baldrick Begging your per'ission, ir, but #hy do they call the' the

    T#enty inuters$

    George Ah, no#, yes, . . .

    [George 'o(es across the dugout to get his card albu'.!

    George . . . no# this one is in 'y Brooke Bond RBook of the Air&.

    [George returns to the cot and sits do#n.!

    George 5o#, you ha(e to collect all the cards and then stick the'

    into this #onderful presentation booklet. Er . . .

    [Baldrick sits do#n net to George.!

    George Ah, here #e are" T#enty inuters. Oh, da'n9 7a(en&t got the card yet. Ah, but the caption says RT#enty 'inutes is

    the a(erage a'ount of ti'e ne# pilots spend in the air.&

    BA T#enty 'inutes.

    George That&s right, ir.

    BA % had a t#enty hour #atch yesterday, #ith four hours

    o(erti'e, in t#o feet of #ater.

    [George, then Baldrick, rise fro' the cot and 'o(e to the table.!

    George )ell then, for goodness sake, ir, #hy don&t #e 4oin$

    Baldrick +eah, be better than 4ust sitting around here all day on our elbo#s.

    BA 5o thank you. 5o thank you. % ha(e no desire to hang

    around #ith a bunch of upper-class delinDuents, do t#enty 'inutes #ork, and then spend the rest of the day loafing

    about in

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    BA )ell, you kno#, 6arling, e(ery . . . e(ery 'an has a drea' . . .

    6arling 7''' . . .

    BA . . . and #hen % #as a s'all boy, % used to #atch the 'arsh

    #arblers s#ooping in 'y 'others undercroft, and % re'e'ber

    thinking R)ill 'en e(er dare do the sa'e$& And you kno# . . .

    [6arling rises fro' his desk.!

    6arling Oh, you #ant to 4oin the 8oyal Flying Corps$

    BA Oh, that&s a thought. Could %$

    6arling 5o, you couldn&t9 Goodbye9

    [6arling sits back do#n.!

    BA /ook, co'e on, 6arling, 4ust gi(e 'e an application for'.

    6arling %t&s out of the Duestion. This is si'ply a ruse to #aste

    fi(e 'onths of training after #hich you&ll clai' you can&t

    fly after all because it 'akes your ears go Rpop&. Co'e on, % #asn&t born yesterday, Blackadder.

    BA ore&s the pity, #e could ha(e started your personality fro'

    scratch. o, the training period is fi(e 'onths, is it$

    6arling %t&s no concern of yours if it&s fi(e years and co'es #ith a

    free holiday in Tunisia, contracepti(es supplied. Besides, they #ouldn&t ad'it you. %t&s not easy getting transfers,

    you kno#.

    [6arling returns to his #ork.!

    BA Oh, you&(e tried it yourself, ha(e you$

    [6arling breaks his pencil.!

    6arling 5o, % ha(en&t.

    BA Trust you to try and ski(e off to so'e cushy option.

    6arling There&s nothing cushy about life in the )o'ens Auiliary

    Balloon Corps.

    [BA raises his eyebro#s at this.!

    6arling Ah . . .

    [The door to General elchett&s office opens and the General and George

    enter. BA and 6arling snap to attention. BA salutes.!

    George . . . and then the bishop said *%&' a#fully sorry, %

    didn&t realise you 'eant organist.*

    [elchett chortles.!

    elchett Thank you, George. At ease, e(eryone. 5o#, #here&s 'y

    'ap$ Co'e on.

    6arling ir9

    [6arling hands elchett his 'ap.!

    elchett Thank you.

    [elchett unfurls the 'ap the #rong #ay.!

    elchett God, it&s a barren, featureless desert out there, isn&t it.

    6arling The other side, ir9

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    [elchett turns the 'ap o(er. BA turns to George.!

    BA 7ello, George. )hat are you doing here$

    George e, ir$ % 4ust popped in to 4oin the 8oyal Flying Corps.

    [elchett looks up fro' his 'ap.!

    elchett 7ello, Blackadder. )hat are you doing here$

    BA e, ir$ % 4ust popped in to 4oin the 8oyal Flying Corps.

    6arling And, of course, % said . . .

    elchett Bra(o, % hope, 6arling. Because, you kno#, %&(e al#ays had

    'y doubts about you trenchy-type fello#s. Al#ays suspected

    there 'ight be a bit too 'uch of the battle-dodging, nappy-#earing, %&d-rather-ha(e-a-cup-of-tea-than-charge-

    stark-naked-at-erry about you. But if you&re #illing to

    4oin the T#enty inuters then you&re all right by 'e and

    #elco'e to 'arry 'y sister any day.

    6arling Are you sure about this, ir$

    elchett Certainly, you should hear the noise she 'akes #hen she eats a boiled egg. Be glad to get her out of the house. o,

    report back here ;L";; hours for your basic training.

    cene M" Captain 6arling&s Office

    ---------------------------------

    [%t is the net 'orning. 6arling&s office has been set out #ith chairs and

    there is a blackboard #ith a chalk picture of a op#ith Ca'el on it. BA and

    George are in the front ro# of seats. There are three other trainees.

    6arling is at his desk at the back.!

    George Crikey9 %&' looking for#ard to today. ?p-diddly-up,

    do#n-diddly-do#n, #hoops-poop, t#iddly-dee, a decent scrap

    #ith the fiendish 8ed Baron, a bit of a 4olly old crash

    landing behind ene'y lines, capture, torture, escape and then back ho'e in ti'e for tea and 'edals.

    BA George, #ho&s using the fa'ily brain-cell at the 'o'ent$ This is 4ust the beginning of the training. The beginning

    of fi(e long 'onths of (ery cle(er, (ery dull 'en looking

    at 'achinery.

    [Flasheart is heard in the corridor.!

    Flasheart 7ey, girls9 /ook at 'y 'achinery9

    [The sound of screa'ing #o'en is heard fro' the corridor. Flasheart enters

    6arling&s office, 3ipping up his flys. 7e is carrying a stick. All present

    rise to attention.!

    Flasheart Enter a 'an #ho has no under#ear. Ask 'e #hy.

    All ecept BA )hy do you ha(e no under#ear, /ord Flash$

    Flasheart Because the pants ha(en&t been built yet that&ll take the

    4ob on.

    [Flasheart perfor's a groinal thrust.!

    Flasheart And that&s the type of guy #ho&s doing the training around here. it do#n9

    [All sit. Flasheart notices BA.!

    Flasheart )ell, #ell, #ell, #ell, #ell. %f it isn&t old Captain

    lack Bladder.

    BA Blackadder.

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    Flasheart Couldn&t resist it, eh, lack Bladder$ Told you you thought

    % #as great. All right 'en, let&s do-oo-oo it9 The first thing to re'e'ber is" al#ays treat your kite . . .

    [Flasheart taps the picture of the op#ith Ca'el #ith his stick.!

    Flasheart . . . like you treat your #o'an9

    [Flasheart #hips the air #ith his cane.!

    George 7o#, ho# do you 'ean, ir$ 6o you 'ean, do you 'ean take her

    ho'e at #eekends to 'eet your 'other$

    Flasheart 5o, % 'ean get inside her fi(e ti'es a day and take her to hea(en and back.

    [George s'irks.!

    BA %&' beginning to see #hy the uffragette o(e'ent #ant the

    (ote.

    Flasheart 7ey, hey9 Any bird #ho #ants to chain herself to 'y railings

    and suffer a 4et 'o(e'ent gets 'y (ote. Er, right. )ell,

    %&ll see you in ten 'inutes for take-off.

    [Flasheart begins to lea(e.!

    BA 7ang on, hang on9 )hat about the 'onths of training$

    Flasheart 7ey, #et-pants9 This isn&t the )o'ens Auiliary Balloon

    Corps. +ou&re in the T#enty inuters no#.

    [6arling stands up.!

    6arling Er, ir . . .

    Flasheart +es . . .

    6arling . . . ir9

    Flasheart . . .

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    %&' sure you&ll be fine.

    [6arling sniggers as he opens the door to re(eal Baldrick in flying gear.

    Baldrick enters. 6arling lea(es.!

    cene L" %n The Air

    -------------------

    [BA and Baldrick are flying in a op#ith Ca'el. George is another Ca'el.!

    BA Actually, they&re right. This is a doddle.

    Baldrick Careful, ir9

    BA )hoops, #hoops, a little #obble there. %&ll get the hang

    of it, don&t #orry. All right, Baldrick, ho# 'any rounds ha(e #e got$

    Baldrick Er, fi(e hundred, ir. Cheese and to'ato for you, rat for

    'e.

    George Tally-bally ho9

    Baldrick )hat&s this$

    [Baldrick cli'bs out of his seat.!

    BA Baldrick9 Baldrick9 )ill you stop arsing about and get back in the plane9

    Baldrick Ooh, ooh, ooh9 7ey, ir, % can see a pretty red plane fro' up here. 7a ha9 )oo #oo9

    (on 8ichtho(en chnell9 6a unten9 7a ha ha9

    [(on 8ichtho(en shoots out one of the #ing-supports on Blackadders aircraft.!

    BA Oh no9 )atch out, Baldrick, it&s stood right on our tail.

    +es, no# this is de(eloping into a distinctly boring

    situation, but #e&re still on our side of the line so %&ll crash-land and clai' 'y ears #ent Rpop& first ti'e out.

    Baldrick Ooh, let&s hope #e fall on so'ething soft9

    BA Fine. %&ll try and ai' bet#een General elchett&s ears9

    cene N;" A Ger'an

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    [elchett takes George o(er to the fireplace.!

    elchett 5o#, George. 6o you re'e'ber #hen % ca'e do#n to (isit you

    #hen you #ere a nipper for your sith birthday$ +ou used to

    ha(e a lo(ely little rabbit. Beautiful little thing. 6o you

    re'e'ber$

    George Flossy.

    elchett That&s right. Flossy. 6o you re'e'ber #hat happened to Flossy$

    George +ou shot hi'.

    elchett That&s right. %t #as the kindest thing to do after he&d been

    run o(er by that car.

    George By your car, ir.

    elchett +es, by 'y car. But that too #as an act of 'ercy #hen you

    #ould re'e'ber that that dog had been set on hi'.

    George +our dog, ir.

    elchett +es, yes, 'y dog. But #hat %&' trying to say, George, is that the state young Flossy #as in after #e&d scraped hi' off

    'y front tyre is (ery 'uch the state that young Blackadder

    #ill be in no#. %f not (ery nearly dead, then (ery actually

    dead.

    George

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    George %f he did die, ir.

    6arling Tch9

    elchett That&s the spirit, George. %f nothing else #orks, then a

    total pig-headed un#illingness to look facts in the face #ill see us through.

    cene N:" A Ger'an

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    BA )e&re not suffering too 'uch to say Rthank you&. Thank you.

    ay Rthank you&, Baldrick.

    Baldrick Thank you, Baldrick.

    [(on 8ichtho(en laughs.!

    (on 8ichtho(en 7o# a'using. But no#, forgi(e 'e. % 'ust take to the skies

    once again. ery funny. The noble /ord Flasheart still eludes 'e.

    BA % think you&ll find he&s o(errated. Bad breath and . . .

    i'potent, they say.

    [(on 8ichtho(en laughs.!

    (on 8ichtho(en eual innuendo.

    [(on 8ichtho(en laughs.!

    (on 8ichtho(en But enough of this. As you say in England, % 'ust fly.

    [(on 8ichtho(en laughs.!

    (on 8ichtho(en

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    George )ell, it&s funny you should say that, because as it happens % did ha(e so'e help fro' a rather spiffing bloke.

    7e&s taken a break fro' so'e crucial top-le(el shagging.

    [Flasheart s'ashes through the cell door, s#inging on a rope. As he lands,he tru'pets his o#n arri(al.!

    Flasheart %t&s 'e. 7urray9

    George and Baldrick

    7urray9

    [Flasheart s'ashes Baldrick in the face. Baldrick falls to the floor.!

    Flasheart God&s potatoes, George. +ou said noble brother friars #ere

    in the lurch. %f %&d kno#n you 'eant old lack Bladder and the 'ound of the hound of the Basker(illes, %&d probably

    ha(e let the' ste# in their o#n 4uice.

    [Baldrick rises.!

    Flasheart And let 'e tell you, if % e(er tried that, %&d probably

    dro#n.

    [Baldrick laughs. Flasheart laughs and s'acks Baldrick in the face.

    Baldrick #ings floor-#ard again.!

    Flasheart till, since %&' here, % 'ay as #ell do-oo it, as the Bishop said to the netball tea'. Co'e on, chu's9

    [Flasheart runs out of the cell, follo#ed by George and Baldrick. BA sitsdo#n and begins to 'oan, faking an in4ury.!

    BA Aah9 O#9 Aah9

    [Flasheart runs back into the cell, follo#ed by George and Baldrick.!

    Flasheart Co'e on.

    BA +es, yes. /ook, %&' sorry, chaps, but %&(e splintered 'y pancreas. Er', and % see' to ha(e this terrible cough.

    [BA fakes a couple of coughs.!

    BA Coff-guards9 Coff-guards9

    Flasheart )ait, #ait, #ait, #ait, #ait a 'inute. 5o# % 'ay be

    packing the kind of tackle that you&d nor'ally epect to find

    s#inging about bet#een the hindlegs of a Grand 5ational

    #inner, but %&' not totally stupid, and %&(e got the kind of feeling you&d rather #e hadn&t co'e.

    BA 5o, no, no, %&' (ery grateful. %t&s 4ust that %&d slo# you

    up.

    Flasheart % think %&' beginning to understand.

    BA Are . . . are you$

    Flasheart ust because % can gi(e 'ultiple orgas's to the furniture

    4ust by sitting on it, doesn&t 'ean that %&' not sick of this da'n #ar" the blood, the noise, the endless poetry.

    BA %s that really #hat you think, Flasheart$

    [Flasheart #hips out his pistol and threatens BA.!

    Flasheart Course it&s not #hat % think. 5o# get out that door before

    % redecorate that #all an interesting ne# colour called Rhint of brain&.

    BA Ecellent. )ell, that&s clear. /et&s get back to that lo(ely #ar, then9

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    Flasheart )oof9

    George )oof9

    Baldrick Bark9

    [As the group 'o(es to lea(e, (on 8ichtho(en appears at the cell door.!

    (on 8ichtho(en 5ot so fast, Blackadder.

    BA Oh, da'n9 Foiled again9 )hat bad luck9

    [(on 8ichtho(en enters the cell.!

    (on 8ichtho(en Ah, and the /ord Flasheart. This is indeed an honour.

    Finally, the t#o greatest gentle'an fliers in the #orld 'eet.

    T#o 'en of honour, #ho ha(e 4ousted together in the cloud-stre#n glory of the skies, face to face at last. 7o#

    often % ha(e rehearsed this 'o'ent of destiny in 'y drea's.

    The panoply to encapsulate the unspoken nobility of a

    co'radeship.

    [Flasheart shoots (on 8ichtho(en.!

    Flasheart )hat a poof9 Co'e on9

    [All eit the cell, cheering.!

    cene N" Captain 6arling&s Office

    ----------------------------------

    [6arling is dusting the office door. BA opens the door in 6arling&s face.!

    BA 7ello, 6arling.

    [6arling retreats back#ards to#ards his desk as BA enters.!

    6arling Good /ord. Captain Blackadder. % thought, % thought you

    #ere . . .

    BA

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    6arling )hat$

    Flasheart This9

    [Flasheart head-butts 6arling. 6arling groans and falls back#ards across hisdesk.!

    Flasheart All right, lacky9 All right, lacky9 %&(e got to fly. T#o 'illion chicks, only one Flasheart. And re'e'ber, if you #ant so'ething, take it. Bobby9

    [Bobby enters the office and salutes.!

    Bobby y /ord9

    Flasheart % #ant so'ething9

    Bobby Take it9

    Flasheart )oof9

    [Bobby starts to unbutton her top as she lea(es the office, follo#ed by

    Flasheart.!

    BA Git9

    [General elchett enters fro' his office.!

    elchett Ah, Blackadder. o you escaped.

    BA +es, ir.

    elchett Bra(o9

    [elchett notices the unconcious 6arling.!

    elchett 6on&t slouch, 6arling.

    BA % #as #ondering #hether, ha(ing been tortured by the 'ost

    (icious sadist in the Ger'an ar'y, % 'ight be allo#ed a #eek&s lea(e to recuperate, ir.

    elchett Ecellent idea. +our co''anding officer #ould ha(e to be stark ra(ing 'ad to refuse you.

    BA )ell, you are 'y co''anding officer.

    elchett )ell$

    BA Can % ha(e a #eek&s lea(e to recuperate, ir$

    elchett Certainly not9

    BA Thank you, ir.

    elchett Baaaaaa9

    Captain Ed'und Blackadder 8O)A5 AT0%5O5

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    Duadron Co''ander

    /ord Flasheart 8%0 A+A//

    Baron (on 8ichtho(en

    A68%A5 E6O56O5

    /ieutenant (on Gerhardt

    7?GO E. B/AC0

    6ri(er

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    Blackadder Goes Forth -- Episode J2 Goodbyeee

    by 8ichard Curtis and Ben Elton---------------------------------------------

    Transcribed by N:M?A

    [5ote" pelling has been checked for the #ords RTanganyika& and R)atusi&,but Rboto& is a guess. Any help on that one #ould be appreciated. trangely,

    )atusi are described here as pyg'y #arriors, #hereas in reality they are tall

    #arriors.!Originally perfor'ed by"

    8o#an Atkinson as Captain Ed'und Blackadder

    Tony 8obinson as days.Ed'und" Or ice cold in 5o an&s /and in N> seconds. 5o, the ti'e has co'e

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    Ed'und" Oh, #ooble #ooble.

    Baldrick" )here do you li(e$

    Ed'und" /ondon.

    Baldrick" Eh$

    Ed'und" A s'all (illage on ars, 4ust outside the capital city, )ooble.

    George" HentersI All the 'en present and correct, sir. 8eady for the off, eh$

    Ed'und" %&' afraid not, /ieutenant2 %&' 4ust off to 7artleypool to buy so'eeploding trousers.

    George" Co'e again, sir -- ha(e you gone barking 'ad$

    Ed'und" +es, George, % ha(e. Cluck, cluck, gibber, gibber, 'y old 'an&s

    a 'ushroo', et cetera. Go send a runner to tell General elchett that

    your captain has gone insane and 'ust return to England at once.

    George" But, sir, ho# utterly ghastly for you9 % 'ean, #ell, you&ll 'iss the

    #hole rest of the #ar9

    Ed'und" +es, (ery bad luck. Beep9

    George" 8ight.

    Ed'und" Beep9

    George" Baldrick, %&ll be back as soon as % can.

    Ed'und"

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    Ed'und" 6on&t #orry, George2 % a' H'akes #eird noises #hile 'o(ing his rightar' strangelyI. )hen they get here, %&ll sho# the' #hat Rtotally and

    utterly bonkeroonie& 'eans. F#af9 ?ntil then, #e&(e got bugger-all to

    do ecept sit and #ait.

    George" )ell, % don&t kno#, sir -- #e could, er, #e could ha(e a 4olly ga'e

    of charades9

    Baldrick" Ooh, yes9

    George" And a singalong of 'usical hits like *Bir'ingha' Bertie* and *)hoops,

    rs iggins, +ou&re itting On y Artichokes.*

    Ed'und" +es, % think bugger-all 'ight rather be 'ore fun.

    Hlater, the three are sitting around doing bugger-allI

    Baldrick"

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    6arling" Hfro' outsideI &tention9

    George" Hhe and Baldrick standI 8ight, they&re here. Er', Baldrick, you keep

    hi' #ar'2 %&ll go prepare the ground. Hlea(esI

    Houtside, George salutes elchett and 6arlingI

    George" ir.elchett" George9 7o#&s the patient$

    George" )ell, it&s touch and go, %&' afraid, sir. % really can&t (ouch for his

    beha(iour. 7e&s gone 'ad, you see -- stir-frying cra3y.

    elchett" % see. %s this genuinely 'ad$

    George" Oh, yes, sir.

    elchett" ...or has he si'ply put his underpants on his head and stuffed a

    couple of pencils up his nose$ That&s #hat they all used to do in the udan. % re'e'ber % once had to shoot a #hole platoon for

    trying that. )ell, let&s ha(e a look at hi'. Hgoes in, follo#ed

    by the othersI

    6arling" &tention999

    Ed'und" Hstands, talks to BaldrickI ...and the other thing they used to do in

    the udan is to get dressed up like this and pretend to be 'ad. Butdon&t let 'e catch you trying that one, Baldrick, or %&ll ha(e you

    shot, all right$ 6is'issed. Hturns to elchett, re'o(es the pencilsI

    Oh, hello, sir -- didn&t hear you co'e in.

    elchett" )ell no#, Blackadder, they tell 'e you&(e gone 'ad.

    Ed'und" 5o, sir Hre'o(es the underpantsI, no -- 'ust be a breakdo#n ofco''unication. o'eone ob(iously heard % #as 'ad #ith ecite'ent,

    #aiting for the off.

    elchett" There you are, you see, 6arling$ % told you there&d be a perfectly

    rational eplanation. 8ight, George, ha(e your chaps fall in.

    George" ery good, sir. Hsalutes, lea(esI

    6arling" )ell, it&s rather odd, sir. The 'essage #as (ery clear" *Captain

    Blackadder gone totally tonto. Bring straight4acket for i''ediate

    return to Blighty.* Hholds up straight4acketI

    elchett" 6on&t be ridiculous, 6arling. The 7ero of boto Gorge, 'ad$ )ell,

    you&(e only got to look at hi' to see he&s as sane as % a'9 Beeaaah9

    Hlea(esI

    6arling" )ould that the boto Gorge #here #e 'assacred the peace-lo(ing

    pyg'ies of the ?pper olta and stole all their fruit$

    Ed'und" 5o -- a totally different boto Gorge.

    6arling" Oh.

    Ed'und" Cup of coffee, 6arling$

    6arling" Oh, thank you.

    Ed'und" Baldrick, do the honours.

    Baldrick" Hco'es fro' kitchenI ir. Hto 6arlingI ugar, sir$

    6arling" Three lu'ps.

    Ed'und" Think you can 'anage three lu'ps, Baldrick$

    Baldrick" %&ll ru''age around, see #hat % can find, sir. Hturns back to

    kitchenI6arling" ake it a 'ilky one.

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    Baldrick" Co'ing up, sir.

    Houtside2 #hile elchett and George speak, Baldrick can be heard

    ha#king up a great deal of R'ilk&I

    elchett" )ell, George, you 'ust ha(e been delighted to hear the ne#s of the

    Big

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    as ecited as a (ery ecited person #ho&s got a special reason to be

    ecited, sir.

    elchett" Ecellent9 )ell, Hchuf chuf$I then. ee you all in Berlin for coffee

    and cakes.

    Goerge" ir. HsalutesI

    HAs elchett begins to #alk out, 6arling drinks then spits outthe Rcoffee&.I

    elchett" )hat is the 'atter #ith you today, 6arling$ %&' so sorry,

    Blackadder. Co'e on, 6arling, #e&re lea(ing. Hhe and 6arling lea(eI

    George" 8ighto, sir, %&' glad you&re not barking any'ore.

    Ed'und" )ell, thank you, George -- although Duite clearly you are. +ou #ereoffered a #ay out, and you didn&t take it.

    George" Absolutely not, sir9 % can&t #ait to get stuck into the Boche9

    Ed'und" +ou #on&t ha(e ti'e to get Rstuck into the Boche&9 )e&ll all be cut

    to pieces by 'achine gun fire before #e can say *charge.*

    George" All right, so, #hat do #e do no#$

    Baldrick" Can % do 'y #ar poe'$

    Ed'und" 7o# hurt #ould you be if % ga(e the honest ans#er, #hich is *5o, %&drather French-kiss a skunk*$

    Baldrick" o #ould %, sir9

    Ed'und" All right. Fire a#ay, Baldrick.

    Baldrick" *7ear the #ords % sing )ar&s a horrid thing o % sing sing sing ding-a-ling-a-ling.*

    George" HapplaudingI Oh, bra(o, yes9

    Ed'und" +es. )ell, it started badly, it tailed off a little in the 'iddle,and the less said about the end, the better. But, apart than that,

    ecellent.

    Baldrick" Oh, shall % do another one, then, sir$

    Ed'und" 5o -- #e #ouldn&t #ant to ehaust you.

    Baldrick" 5o, don&t #orry2 % could go on all night.

    Ed'und" 5ot #ith a bayonet through your neck, you couldn&t9

    Baldrick" This one is called *The Ger'an Guns.*

    George" Oh, spiffing9 +es, let&s hear that9

    Baldrick" *Boo' boo' boo' boo' Boo' boo' boo' BOO BOO, BOO BOO--

    Ed'und" *BOO BOO BOO*$

    Baldrick" 7o# did you guess, sir$

    George" % say, sir9 That is spooky9

    Ed'und" %&' sorry, % think %&(e got to get out of here999

    Baldrick" )ell, % ha(e a cunning plan, sir.

    Ed'und" All right, Baldrick -- for old ti'e&s sake.

    Baldrick" )ell, you phone Field arshal 7aig, sir, and you ask hi' to get

    you out of here.

    Ed'und" HstandsI Baldrick, e(en by your standards it&s pathetic9 %&(e onlye(er 'et Field arshal 7aig once, it #as t#enty years ago, and, 'y

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    god, you&(e got it, you&(e got it9 Hhe kisses Baldrick&s hatI

    Baldrick" )ell, if %&(e got it, you&(e got it too, no#, sir.

    Ed'und" % can&t belie(e %&(e been so stupid9 One phone call #ill do it -- one

    phone call and %&ll be free. /et&s see, it&s .; a.'.2 %&ll call about Duarter to si. Ecellent, ecellent. )ell, %&ll get packing.

    George" +ou kno#, % #on&t half 'iss you chaps after the #ar.Baldrick" 6on&t #orry, /ieutenant2 %&ll co'e (isit you.

    George" )ill you really$ Oh bra(o9 +es, 4u'p into the old 4alopy and co'e do#n

    and stay in the country, and #e can reli(e the old ti'es.

    Ed'und" )hat, dig a hole in the garden, fill it #ith #ater, and get your

    ga'ekeeper to shoot at us all day$

    George" +ou kno#, that&s the thing % don&t really understand about you, Cap.

    +ou&re a professional soldier, and yet, so'eti'es you sound as though

    you bally #ell ha(en&t en4oyed soldiering at all.

    Ed'und" )ell, you see, George, % did like it, back in the old days #hen the

    prereDuisite of a British ca'paign #as that the ene'y should under

    no circu'stances carry guns -- e(en spears 'ade us think t#ice. Thekind of people #e liked to fight #ere t#o feet tall and ar'ed #ith

    dry grass.

    George" 5o#, co'e off it, sir -- #hat about boto Gorge, for hea(en&s sake$

    Ed'und" +es, that #as a bit of a nasty one -- ten thousand )atusi #arriors

    ar'ed to the teeth #ith ki#i fruit and gua(a hal(es. After the battle, instead of taking prisoners, #e si'ply 'ade a huge fruit salad. 5o,

    #hen % 4oined up, % ne(er i'agined anything as a#ful as this #ar.

    %&d had fifteen years of 'ilitary eperience, perfecting the art of

    ordering a pink gin and saying *6o you do it doggy-doggy$* in#ahili, and then suddenly four-and-a-half 'illion hea(ily ar'ed

    Ger'ans ho(ed into (ie#. That #as a shock, % can tell you.

    Baldrick" Hpolishing boots #ith a dead ratI % thought it #as going to be such

    fun, too -- #e all did -- 4oining the local regi'ent and e(erything" The Turnip treet )orkhouse

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    Baldrick" 5e(ille, gone, sir$

    Ed'und" Actually, not Duite gone -- he&s in the corner, bunging up the sink.

    Baldrick" HstandsI Oh no, it didn&t ha(e to happen, sir9 %f it #asn&t for this

    terrible #ar, 5e(ille #ould still be here today, sniffling his little nose and going *Eek.*

    Ed'und" On the other hand, if he hadn&t died, % #ouldn&t ha(e been able toinsert a curtain rod in his botto' and use hi' as a dish'op.

    Baldrick" )hy can&t #e 4ust stop, sir$ )hy can&t #e 4ust say, *5o 'ore killing2

    let&s all go ho'e*$ )hy #ould it be stupid 4ust to pack it in, sir,

    #hy$

    George" 5o#, no#, no#, look here, you 4ust stop that Hconchy$I talk right no#,