THE BIG BANG THEORY

”FINDING LEONARD NIMOY” WRITTEN BY

VILLE HUOPONEN

Script copyrighted.

Contact information: E-mail: vhuopone(at)cc.hut.fiPhone: +358407018488Address: Herraskuja 8 02620 Espoo, Finland.

COLD OPENING

FADE IN:

INT. FIRST FLOOR HALLWAY - DAY(SHELDON, LEONARD, RAJ, HOWARD, PENNY)

THE GUYS ENTERING THE BUILDING.

SHELDON

Worst lecture ever. (THEN)

LEONARD

Yes, Sheldon. You already said that

to me like ten times.

SHELDON

Nine times to make the count exact.

(THEN)

RAJ

Also you wrote it down on paper and

showed it to me in the lecture hall.

SHELDON

I did.

LEONARD

And you texted me about that like

five times.

SHELDON

Yes. But only because The Secret of

Monkey Island on my cell phone kept

me busy. (THEN) It still is keeping

me busy.

2.

(MORE)

Oh Guybrush Threepwood, my favorite

pirate, even Lucas Arts couldn’t

destroy you.

RAJ

Yeah, I guess it wasn’t that good of

a lecture.

LEONARD

It wasn’t great, I’ll give you that.

SHELDON

It sure wasn’t. (THEN)

HOWARD

I have to say I didn’t pay much

attention to the lecture.

LEONARD

None of us really did.

HOWARD

Most of the time I had my eyes on

this particularly hot girl in the

audience.

RAJ

I think I saw her too.

HOWARD

Fifth row, seventeenth seat from the

left. Red blouse, stretch jeans,

Louis Vuitton’s bag and a completely

awesome bosom.

RAJ

Yes, indeed.

3.

SHELDON (CONT'D)

LEONARD

We all saw her, Howard.

SHELDON

I did see you looking at something,

Leonard. Couldn’t keep your eyes off

it.

LEONARD

It was her alright.

SHELDON

You got lucky with your

distractions. I’m on the other hand

still hearing that nonsense from the

no good lecturer in my head.

THEN SHELDON GOES TO OPEN HIS MAIL BOX AND TAKES THE MAIL.

LEONARD

So, who would be a good lecturer

then, Sheldon?

SHELDON

Someone like Randy Pausch would do.

LEONARD

Yes. Randy Pausch would be good. But

unfortunately he’s been dead for two

years already.

SHELDON

At least he’s alive on Youtube.

RAJ

I would personally go with Steve

Jobs.

4.

LEONARD

I think that’s actually a good idea.

SHELDON

Steve Jobs is a college drop-out who

got fired from the company that he

found, that is Apple Macintosh.

RAJ

But he’s a billionaire.

HOWARD

And he also has a good share of

Pixar.

RAJ

Or what about Bill Gates? I think he

could give us a good lecture too.

HOWARD

But not that good dating advice.

SHELDON

Bill Gates is also a college drop-

out.

RAJ

But also a billionaire.

HOWARD

And we thank him for the Xbox three

sixty and for our Halo-nights.

(THEN)

SHELDON

I wonder if Leonard Nimoy is

available.

5.

HOWARD

That does sound good but Leonard

Nimoy only has a master’s degree

like I do.

SHELDON

There’s always an exception to the

rule Howard.. ..and F-Y-I, I’m

willing to use it here.

THEN PENNY ARRIVES WITH THE LAUNDRY.

PENNY

Hey guys. Looking good.

HOWARD

Mademoiselle.

PENNY

Having a good day?

HOWARD

It could be better.

PENNY

So, is there anything that I could

do for you?

SHELDON

Yes. Dr. Sheldon Cooper needs a good

lecture. (THEN)

PENNY

Look, I don’t know what you have

done this time but I’ve got this

laundry to do so maybe the guys can

give you “the lecture”.

PENNY LEAVES. (THEN)

6.

SHELDON

She didn’t graduate either.

RAJ

And she’s not a billionaire. (THEN)

HOWARD

For what it’s worth, I would still

do her.

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLES

7.

ACT ONE

SCENE A

FADE IN:

INT. UNIVERSITY LUNCHROOM - DAY(HOWARD, RAJ, SHELDON, LEONARD, SHARON)

HOWARD AND RAJ EATING THEIR MEALS.

HOWARD

Did you watch the Simpsons

yesterday?

RAJ

No, I can’t say that I did. I did

stop watching somewhere between the

fifteenth and the sixteenth season.

HOWARD

It did stop being great somewhere

around the tenth season.

RAJ

Then I started watching the re-runs

of Doogie Howser. N-P-H power, dude.

HOWARD

I think I’m going to watch it to the

bitter end. (THEN)

RAJ

You should have quit already.

HOWARD

I know.

8.

RAJ

It’s not going to get better.

HOWARD

I know.

RAJ

You’re just wasting your time.

HOWARD

I know. (THEN)

RAJ

But we could watch the Simpsons dvd-

commentaries tonight.

HOWARD

Do you think the sixth season is

okay for Sheldon?

RAJ

Of course it is. Everybody loves The

Simpsons.

THEN TO SHELDON AND LEONARD HEADING TO THE VENDING MACHINE.

SHELDON PUTS COINS IN THE MACHINE.

SHELDON

Did you notice that we lost the

vending machine from the second

floor?

LEONARD

I noticed, Sheldon.

SHELDON

It used to be only sixty-five feet

to get there. Now it’s four hundred

and fifty-seven feet to get here.

9.

SHELDON TAKES THE DIET COKES.

LEONARD

I know. But it’s not really a

problem.

SHELDON

Not a problem?

LEONARD

Not a problem. Now we just have to

walk a bit longer here. And maybe

burn some extra calories.

SHELDON

For what reason? I drink diet coke.

Zero calories, Leonard.

LEONARD

Okay, think about it this way. Now

that you need some extra calories

maybe you could buy yourself a

butterfinger every once in a while.

SHELDON

Oh, I don’t think that can be done.

LEONARD

And why is that so?

SHELDON

For those snacks I get my liquidity

from my penny jar. And my swear jar.

LEONARD

So why can’t you use your penny jar?

10.

SHELDON

Because you constantly steal from my

penny jar.

LEONARD

So why can’t you use your swear jar

then?

SHELDON

I would. But I don’t swear.

HOWARD

Could you learn to swear?

SHELDON

I don’t think so. (THEN)

LEONARD

So what can I do for you?

SHELDON

Get me back my vending machine.

(THEN) And get me Leonard Nimoy.

SHELDON AND LEONARD MOVE TO SIT DOWN WITH HOWARD AND RAJ. SHELDON AND LEONARD OPEN THE CANS.

RAJ

Did you already watch the Simpsons?

SHELDON

Worst episode ever.

THEN THE BEAUTIFUL MYSTERY GIRL FROM THE LECTURE APPEARS AND IS NOTICED BY HOWARD.

HOWARD

Look, there’s the hot girl from

yesterday’s lecture.

LEONARD

I see her. I see her.

11.

RAJ

Oy, oy.

HOWARD

Oh my god. Is she coming here to

talk to us?

RAJ

It looks like so.

THE GOOD LOOKING TWENTY-SOMETHING GIRL APPROACHES THE GUYS.

HOWARD

Everybody act normal. (THEN)

SHARON

Oh, hi there.

HOWARD

Hello, mademoiselle.

SHARON

(TO HOWARD) I saw you looking at me

yesterday.

HOWARD

Yeah. I may have wandered my eyes

over you. Accidentally.

SHARON

You have quite a reputation around

here.

HOWARD

(DEPRESSED) Yeah, I know.

SHARON

Working with the Mars rover, ISS

space module.

12.

HOWARD

(PLEASANTLY SURPRISED) Oh yeah.

LEONARD

It’s quite a reputation indeed.

(THEN)

SHARON

(TALKING TO RAJ) You have quite a

reputation too.

LEONARD

Rajesh is a really promising

scientist. Top ten prospect on

people magazine. Like Masi Oka on

Heroes.

RAJ SMILING.

SHELDON

So much for that promise.

SHARON

No, I meant that he couldn’t talk.

HOWARD

Oh.

RAJ EMBARRASSED OF HIMSELF.

SHELDON

Ben Franklin would say that it’s

actually a virtue. That we should

avoid trifling conversations. Good

for you Raj.

LEONARD

And you must have heard of Dr.

Cooper.

13.

SHELDON

Who wouldn’t have?

SHARON

Yeah. (TO RAJ) You know, it’s okay

to be a bit shy. I bet he’s a

romantic deep inside.

RAJ BACK TO SMILING. THE GUYS EXCEPT SHELDON ARE SMITTEN.

HOWARD

So would you like to join us?

SHARON

I already ate so I guess not today.

HOWARD

Oh.

SHARON

But I’ll see you around. If you

catch my drift.

SHARON LEAVES. (THEN)

HOWARD

Now tell me that I am wrong but was

that just about the biggest tease I

have ever seen?

CUT TO:

14.

ACT ONE

SCENE B

INT. DR. GABLEHOUSER’S OFFICE - DAY

LEONARD, SHELDON AND DR. GABLEHOUSER SITTING IN THE ROOM.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Alright, I think I’ve heard enough.

I’m ready to make my decision.

SHELDON

Oh goody.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

The vending machine is coming back

after it gets repaired and not a

second before.

SHELDON EXASPERATED.

DR. GABLEHOUSER (CONT'D)

And then to the budget cuts. It

seems to me that I have no other

option than to.. ..let the campus

tour guide go. And maybe some

others.

SHELDON

But my vending machine --

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Dr. Cooper you are really testing my

nerves.

SHELDON FRUSTRATED.

15.

DR. GABLEHOUSER (CONT'D)

So, do you have anything else before

we conclude this session?

SHELDON

Now that you mention, we do.

LEONARD

Mostly Dr. Cooper.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Dr. Hofstadter, is this going to be

another embarrassment from Dr.

Cooper?

LEONARD

I don’t know. It might be.

SHELDON

The thing is, I was thinking about

creating some buzz for the

university.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Alright, Dr. Cooper.

SHELDON

As you should know, yesterday’s

lecture wasn’t actually successful

in doing that.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

What do you mean? I thought it was a

wonderful lecture.

SHELDON

We thought it was a real buzz kill.

16.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Dr. Hofstadter?

LEONARD PLAYING WITH HIS THUMBS.

SHELDON

In fact the only buzz there was

coming from his cell phone.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Dr. Mundell is a Nobel-prize winning

economist after all. He gave us

great insight into our lives.

SHELDON

Didn’t seem to me like that at all.

Level zero or level one knowledge at

best.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

He also happens to be my close

personal friend.

SHELDON

Didn’t seem to know much about

anything.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

And that is your honest opinion?

SHELDON

It’s always my opinion what I say.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Oh I see.

SHELDON

I doubt it.

17.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Dr. Hofstadter, is there anything

you would like to say?

LEONARD

I guess it wasn’t that good of a

lecture. But it’s not a big deal.

SHELDON

Not a big deal? What are you talking

about Leonard?

LEONARD

I’m just saying..

DR. GABLEHOUSER

So, what do you have in mind then,

Dr. Cooper?

SHELDON

First of all, I think we can do much

better than this.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

A-hah.

SHELDON

And second, I think we are all going

to agree on how good this idea is.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

But I’m warning you, this really

better be good.

SHELDON

Oh, I can guarantee you that Dr.

Gablehouser.

18.

LEONARD

I think you can start preparing

yourself for a lift-off.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Oh, I’m ready for that Dr.

Hofstadter. So, Dr. Cooper, who

exactly would you like to give us a

lecture?

A HEALTHY PAUSE.

SHELDON

Leonard Nimoy.

DR. GABLEHOUSER REALLY ANNOYED.

CUT TO:

19.

ACT ONE

SCENE C

INT. UNIVERSITY HALLWAY - DAY(SHELDON, LEONARD, EXTRAS)

SHELDON AND LEONARD WITH THE KIDS.

SHELDON

Can’t believe that he did this to

me. A tour guide.

LEONARD

Maybe you’ll learn to like it.

LEONARD ABOUT TO LEAVE.

SHELDON

Hey, where do you think you’re

going?

LEONARD

I’m going to buy myself a

butterfinger.

LEONARD EXITS. SHELDON SHUDDERS. A KID YANKS SHELDON’S SHIRT. SHELDON LETHARGIC.

CUT TO:

20.

ACT ONE

SCENE C

INT. LEONARD’S APARTMENT - DAY(HOWARD, RAJ, LEONARD, SHELDON, PENNY)

THE GUYS WATCHING THE SIMPSONS.

HOWARD

She’s so awesome.

RAJ

Yes, she is.

LEONARD

I can’t argue with that.

RAJ

Nobody can.

LEONARD

But do you really know anything

about her?

HOWARD

Does it matter?

RAJ

It didn’t stop you from falling for

Penny.

LEONARD

But that’s different.

RAJ

Exactly how?

21.

LEONARD

Because.. ..you don’t know her.

RAJ

Her name is Sharon by the way.

HOWARD

Hey, I thought it was my job to be

the stalker here.

LEONARD

At least I know her now.

RAJ

So what are we going to do?

HOWARD

Raj, I doubt this is going to be a

group effort.

RAJ

I thought it was all for one and one

for all.

HOWARD

I don’t think so. Unless if you’re

willing to do some threesome.

RAJ

Of course I’m not.

HOWARD

I’m just saying, not that I would do

it myself.

SHELDON

Less talk, more listening to the

commentary.

THEN PENNY SHOWS UP.

22.

PENNY

Hi guys.

SHELDON

You’re in a good mood. Do you have a

reason for that?

PENNY

No, not really. What’s your problem

Sheldon?

LEONARD

They made him a tour guide for kids

at the university.

PENNY

So what did he do this time?

LEONARD

He wanted to get Leonard Nimoy to

give us a lecture.

SHELDON

Didn’t like the vending machines

either.

PENNY

Oh. I see. (THEN) Okay. So what are

you watching?

HOWARD

The Simpsons.

PENNY

Hey, maybe I could watch with you

for a second.

HOWARD

Yes, you may.

23.

PENNY COMES CLOSER TO THE SOFA. (THEN)

PENNY

Oh look, that’s Marge, Homer.

SHELDON

Yes.

PENNY

Bart, Lisa ...and.. what’s the

baby’s name?

HOWARD

Maggie.

PENNY

Yeah, Maggie, that’s her name. I

haven’t seen The Simpsons as much

you obviously have. (THEN)

SHELDON

You haven’t watched The Simpsons?

PENNY

Not that much. Is that a problem?

RAJ BALANCING HIS HAND.

HOWARD

Depends on the season. Might be a

bad thing, might be a good thing

too.

RAJ NODS.

SHELDON

(TO PENNY) You don’t know Professor

Frink, The Comic Book Guy or Apu

Nahasapeemapetilon?

24.

PENNY

Nahasasasa-what? (THEN)

SHELDON

And you said you know her, Leonard?

LEONARD DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. (THEN)

PENNY

You know, I have some other things

to do. So.. ..if you don’t have

anything else.

LEONARD

You don’t have to go, Penny.

HOWARD

I second that.

RAJ SHOWS THREE FINGERS. PENNY SEEMS ACCEPTING.

SHELDON

Penny, can I ask you a favor?

PENNY

What is it, Sheldon?

SHELDON

Could you get us Leonard Nimoy?

FACEPALM BY LEONARD.

PENNY

I already got you the napkin.

SHELDON CONFUSED.

PENNY (CONT'D)

Okay, I’ll see you later. Bye, Raj.

PENNY EXITS.

25.

SHELDON

I would understand if she didn’t get

Futurama. But The Simpsons, oh...

HOWARD

So about tomorrow, Raj. Where

exactly does Sharon work? All for

one and one for all. (THEN)

RAJ

She works in sector seven G.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

26.

ACT TWO

SCENE D

FADE IN:

INT. UNIVERSITY LUNCHROOM - DAY(LEONARD, RAJ, HOWARD)

LEONARD EATING HIS LUNCH.

LEONARD

What do you know, Sheldon was right.

Secret of The Monkey Island does

work on my cell phone. And it still

is good after almost twenty years.

THEN HOWARD AND RAJ ARRIVE WITH THEIR LUNCHTRAYS AND SIT DOWN.

RAJ

Seriously, I’m not going to tell

you.

HOWARD

What are you going to do? Get

yourself drunk and ask her out?

RAJ

Maybe. Or maybe I already sent her

an E-mail.

HOWARD

So did she agree to go out with you?

RAJ

Okay, I didn’t send her an E-mail.

27.

HOWARD

And Raj, getting drunk is what you

are supposed to do at the nightclub.

That‘s where the inappropriate

behavior and making a scene becomes

almost a social norm. A little

grabbing from behind isn’t that bad.

LEONARD

Maybe I should ask her out.

RAJ

This is between Howard and me. So

back off, Leonard.

LEONARD

All I’m saying that if the lions

don’t want to go hunting then maybe

it’s time for Dr. Hofstadter to make

his move.

HOWARD

No. First the lions go hunting and

perhaps then the vultures may

arrive.

LEONARD

Which usually would mean you.

HOWARD

Touche. But today I want to be the

lion. You just concentrate on making

Penny feel herself better.

28.

RAJ

Or someone else is going to make a

move at Penny. (THEN)

LEONARD

Happy hunting, Simba.

HOWARD

(TO RAJ) So where exactly does

Sharon work here?

RAJ

I really don’t want to tell you.

HOWARD STARING AT RAJ.

RAJ (CONT'D)

I won’t tell you.

HOWARD

Look, I’m eventually going to find

out where she works, whether it

takes five seconds or at most like

an hour searching with my computer -

so you could as well tell me right

now.

RAJ DISAPPOINTED.

RAJ

Maybe we can work a deal here?

HOWARD

And then what? I mean what would you

do?

29.

RAJ

I don’t know. (THEN) Oh, I bet

things are never going to change for

me.

HOWARD NODDING.

RAJ (CONT'D)

Alright, alright. She works at one

hundred and twenty-four C.

HOWARD

Thank you.

RAJ

But promise me you won’t do or say

anything stupid.

HOWARD

I promise nothing.

HOWARD LEAVES THE ROOM.

LEONARD

Look on the bright side of life. We

have Halo night tonight.

RAJ

But nothing for Rajesh.

CUT TO:

30.

ACT TWO

SCENE E

INT. UNIVERSITY HALLWAY - DAY(KID #1, SHELDON, HOWARD, KID #2, EXTRAS)

SHELDON GIVING TOUR TO CIRCA EIGHT YEAR OLDS. THE KID POINTING AT STAFF MEMBERS. (THEN)

KID #1

Who’s she?

SHELDON

I don’t know.

KID #1

What about her?

SHELDON

I don’t know her either.

THEN HOWARD WALKS BY.

HOWARD

Hi kids. Gotta go, Sheldon.

AND EXITS.

KID #1

What about him?

SHELDON

Oh, he is one of my friends. One of

those that I still have left. (THEN)

I think I lost one yesterday.

KID #1

Oh.

31.

SHELDON

If you want to know, Dr. Hofstadter

stole money from my penny jar.

KID #1

Oh, that’s bad.

SHELDON

It is indeed. You don’t steal money,

do you?

KIDS SHAKING THEIR HEADS.

SHELDON (CONT'D)

That’s good. Unlike what that

conniving bad Leonard did to me.

KID #1

Do you have anything interesting to

see here?

SHELDON

It depends on what you think is

interesting. But we have a Tesla

Coil for you to see.

KID #1

I like playing with my Xbox.

SHELDON

I like playing with Xbox too but

unfortunately we don’t have any

Xboxes here. (THEN)

KID #1

What’s your favorite game?

SHELDON

Halo three.

32.

KID #1

It’s my favorite too.

SHELDON

Are you good at it?

KID #1

I’m ranked number one in the world.

SHELDON

Oh, that’s nice. I think I’m ranked

number one in physics.

KID #1

Is that cool?

SHELDON

Yes. But not Halo three cool. Or

Star Trek cool.

KID #1

You look disappointed.

SHELDON

Oh, you can see that. I guess I’m a

bit disappointed.

KID #1

Do you know who disappoints me?

SHELDON

My former friend Dr. Hofstadter?

KID #1

No, my dad.

SHELDON

Oh. I know exactly how you feel. My

father kept disappointing me all the

time.

33.

KID #1

My father tells me playing Halo

three is stupid.

SHELDON

My father actually was stupid.

KID #1

I think mine is too.

THEN SHELDON AND THE KIDS GOING PAST A CORNER.

KID #1 (CONT'D)

What’s there?

SHELDON

Nothing.

KID #1

Why didn’t you show what’s in there?

SHELDON

Because that’s Dr. Gablehouser’s

office. He’s a bad man.

KID #1

Why is he a bad man?

SHELDON

He didn’t want us to meet Leonard

Nimoy. (THEN)

KID #2

Is Leonard Nimoy your dad?

CUT TO:

34.

ACT TWO

SCENE F

INT. UNIVERSITY LUNCHROOM - DAY(LEONARD, HOWARD, RAJ)

LEONARD AND RAJ STILL SPENDING TIME IN THE LUNCHROOM. LEONARD PLAYING THE MONKEY ISLAND GAME. (THEN) HOWARD SLOWLY ARRIVES.

LEONARD

So tell us what happened.

HOWARD

It’s a long story.

LEONARD

I think we might have time to hear

that.

RAJ

You can start cheering now, Howard.

No need to fake it anymore.

HOWARD DOESN’T START TO CHEER. (THEN)

RAJ (CONT'D)

So it didn’t go well, did it?

HOWARD

No.

RAJ

I told you would ruin everything!

HOWARD

Hear me out first.

35.

LEONARD

So what happened?

HOWARD

Okay. I went there. It was the right

place, even though I did suspect

that Raj would send me to a cleaning

closet instead.

RAJ

I probably should have. So was she

there?

HOWARD

Yes.

RAJ

And she wasn’t making out with

anyone else?

HOWARD

No, she wasn’t.

RAJ

Okay.

HOWARD

Anyway, so I asked her whether she

for example likes watching The

Simpsons.

RAJ

And?

HOWARD

She does. Very much. So she probably

wouldn’t make Sheldon unhappy.

36.

LEONARD

That’s good.

HOWARD

I asked her whether she would like

to maybe join us for our Simpsons

Marathon.

RAJ

And?

HOWARD

She said she might.

RAJ

Oh, okay. Then what?

HOWARD

I started working my magic.

RAJ

Oh, Howard.

HOWARD

No, no. It didn’t go south from

there.

RAJ

So what went wrong?

HOWARD

That’s the thing. I did my best to

advertise my romantic shy side and

my Calvin Klein, David Beckham and

Dolce Gabbana collections. But I

could sense that she wasn’t really

interested in me.

37.

RAJ

So she has someone else then?

HOWARD

No, I didn’t say that.

LEONARD

This is interesting. Almost as

interesting as my session with

Guybrush Threepwood.

HOWARD

I’m almost finished, Leonard. But

then the discussion turned into

something else. She wanted me to do

her a big favor.

RAJ

And what would that be?

HOWARD

She asked whether I could maybe

arrange a date with someone.

RAJ

Oh? (THEN)

HOWARD

You, Raj.

RAJ

Oh.

RAJ EXHILARATED.

RAJ (CONT'D)

So you did say yes, then? (THEN)

HOWARD

I said yes.

38.

TAKES A NOTE FROM HIS POCKET. AND GIVES IT TO RAJ. HE READS IT.

RAJ

Next friday. Nine p.m. At seventy-

nine nightclub!

HOWARD

I also recommended that she’d wear a

low cut black dress, that you would

probably like that.

RAJ

Yes indeed.

HOWARD

I also told her that your favorite

drink is Margherita with ice.

RAJ

Yes.

HOWARD

And I told her that you’re a big fan

of John Grisham’s novels.

RAJ

Yes, I am. Thank you, Howard.

HOWARD

But promise me that you won’t do

anything stupid when you go out with

her.

RAJ

I promise nothing. (THEN) But I will

try to try.

HOWARD DEPRESSED.

39.

LEONARD

Look on the bright side of life. We

have Halo night tonight.

HOWARD

But nothing for uncle Howard.

CUT TO:

40.

ACT TWO

SCENE G

INT. UNIVERSITY LUNCHROOM - DAY(SHELDON, KID #2, LEONARD, KID #1, DR. GABLEHOUSER)

SHELDON AND THE KIDS ARRIVE.

SHELDON

And finally here’s the lunchroom,

the ultimate battleground of useless

debates against inferior minds

compared to mine. (THEN)

KID #2

Hey, there’s candy in there.

SHELDON

Yes there is. The only vending

machines in the building that one

can trust anymore.

KID #2

Can we use it?

SHELDON

You may. If you have money.

KID #2 GOES TO INSERT COINS. OTHERS LOOKING AT SHELDON. LEONARD, RAJ AND HOWARD PASSING BY.

LEONARD

(TO SHELDON) Halo night later

tonight?

SHELDON

You betcha, Leonard.

41.

SHELDON WATCHES AS LEONARD AND RAJ EXIT. THEN SHELDON PULLS A JAR OF COINS FROM HIS PURSE.

SHELDON (CONT'D)

Bet you didn’t know this one even

existed, Leonard.

SHELDON STARTS INSERTING COINS. HE PRESSES THE BUTTON AND TAKES THE DIET COKE. THE KIDS ARE WATCHING HIM.

SHELDON (CONT'D)

What? You didn’t bring money, did

you?

THE KIDS SHAKE THEIR HEADS. SHELDON WATCHES THEM. THE KIDS LOOK AT SHELDON WITH HOPEFUL EYES.

SHELDON (CONT'D)

Oh, I don’t know.

KID #1

But you’ve got so much of those and

we have so little.

SHELDON

I guess you might have a point

there.

KID #1

And I’m hungry.

SHELDON

That might be a good point too.

KID #2

Please.

SHELDON

That’s.. oh, I guess that’s..

something too.

SHELDON DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

42.

SHELDON (CONT'D)

Tell you what, I’m having a Halo

night tonight. Could you give me any

tips on how to win against my

“friends”?

THE KIDS NODDING.

KID #1

Your friends won’t stand a chance

against you.

SHELDON HAPPY.

SHELDON

Besides, Leonard was going to find

these at some point anyway.

SHELDON STARTS PUTTING MORE COINS TO THE VENDING MACHINE. THE KIDS REJOICE. THEN DR. GABLEHOUSER ARRIVES.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Dr. Cooper. Have you enjoyed your

second day as our campus guide?

SHELDON

It could have been worse.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

What do you kids think of Sheldon?

KID #1

Sheldon’s cool!

THE OTHER KIDS HAPPY TOO.

SHELDON

It wasn’t that much.

43.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Maybe I have misjudged you Dr.

Cooper.

SHELDON

I bet you have.

SHELDON GIVES KIDS STUFF FROM THE VENDING MACHINE. (THEN)

KID #1

(TO GABLEHOUSER) Excuse me, mister.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Yes.

KID #1

Why are you so mean?

DR. GABLEHOUSER

I don’t think I am that mean.

KID #1

Why didn’t you get him to meet

Leonard Nimoy?

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Because it isn’t that easy. But

maybe I should do something about

it.

KID #2

You should. Because Sheldon told us

that you are a very bad man.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Oh, did he? What else did he tell

you?

SHELDON DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. A LONG STARE BETWEEN SHELDON AND DR. GABLEHOUSER.

44.

KID #1

He told us you shouldn’t be working

here at all.

KID #2

That you are really evil.

KID #1

And that you should be fired.

DR. GABLEHOUSER GIVES SHELDON THE STARE.

DR. GABLEHOUSER

I see. What do you have to say, Dr.

Cooper?

SHELDON DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. (THEN)

SHELDON

Live long and prosper.

DOES THE SIGN.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

45.

TAG

FADE IN:

INT. DR. GABLEHOUSER’S OFFICE -DAY(SHELDON, DR. GABLEHOUSER)

SHELDON WRITING ON A CHALKBOARD REPEATEDLY “I WILL NOT DISPARAGE MY BOSS AT THE UNIVERSITY”. DR. GABLEHOUSER OBSERVING NEXT TO HIM.

SHELDON

Is this really necessary?

DR. GABLEHOUSER

Just keep writing.

SHELDON KEEPS WRITING.

FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW

46.