Biblical Conflict Resolution - Bethany Community Church

Biblical Conflict Resolution

Neil Gerber03/27/17

TGI Biblical Counseling and Discipleship ClassMarriage and Premarriage Class

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Peacemaker MinistriesUsed by Permission

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I. INTRODUCTION - CONFLICT RESOLUTION

• Biblical Communication vs. Conflict Resolution: The Difference?

• The Main Take-Away for Today

“You cannot do this Yourself”

We must trust God to do what we cannot do ourselves (Prov. 3:5-7)Genesis 41:16 - “It is not in me; But God will give…a favorable answer.” Genesis 45:8 - “Now, therefore, it was not you who sent me here, but God; and He has made me a father to Pharaoh and ruler over all the land of Egypt.” Genesis 50:20 “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result…” 2 Timothy 2:25 - with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth.

II. THE PROBLEM

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What do couples typically see as their “problem” when marriage conflict erupts?

Why do they ask for help? What are they saying?

Typically, they go to Ephesians 5:22-33 as their problem.

What is the real problem?

Turn to Ephesians to find out.

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Problem

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Two Triangle Diagram(the “iceberg” of conflict)

Key: heart change is needed (Eph. 4:17-24)

Rom. 14:17-19

Righteous

Created after the likeness of God

James 4:1-2

Sinful

Corrupted by deceitful desires

New Man: “God Worship” Old Man: “Self-Worship”

Peace Problems (Conflict)

Relationship Skills & Character Traits

Heart (Desires)

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III. Conflict: What is it?

Definition of Conflict: “A difference in opinion or purpose (values) that frustrates a person’s goals and desires” (James 4:1-3)

Where does conflict come from?What causes conflict?

1. Misunderstandings 3. Competition over resources2. Differences in values or goals 4. Evil desires (heart idols)

At what levels does conflict (or peace) exist?1. with God (Rom. 5:1-2, 8-10; James 4:4)2. with yourself (1 John 3:19-24)3. with others (Matt. 5:21-22; Eph. 2:11-18)

© Peacemaker Ministries. Used with permission. For additional information about biblical peacemaking, visit www.Peacemaker.net.

How Does God Work in Conflict?

1. Why does God allow trials (problems) in our life?2. What are the two ways God “resolves” our

problems?

Principle: “Trusting God enables us to see conflicts not as accidents, but as opportunities.”

Principle: “God doesn’t tell us all we want to know; He tells us all we need to know.”

Principle: “Your view of God affects your trust in God. In conflict you must decide whether or not you will trust God.”

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ABC’s of Spiritual Growth

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The Slippery Slope of Conflict


Three Conflict Responses1. Escape Responses

-focus on self -lack of communication-“peace-fakers” -avoidance, denial, & excusing-bring only temporary relief -worsen the problem by postponing

2. Attack Responses-focus on others (wrongly) -public fighting-“peace-breakers” -critical spirit-damage relationships and witness -desire to win and be in control-blame, intimidate, anger, verbal assault, gossip, slander, violence, hatred

3. Peacemaking Responses-focus on God -goal is to restore relationships & people

-personally & privately between people -overlook, confront graciously10


IV. Peace Makers: Who Are They?“Peacemakers” are people who breathe grace:

wMatt. 5:9 wJames 3:13-18 (context of James 4)

“Biblical peacemaking” turns conflicts (frustration) into opportunities:(1)To glorify God:

wMatt. 5:14-16; 1 Cor. 10:31; 1 Pet. 2:11-12a)trust God b)obey Godc)imitate God d)show God

(2)Serve others:wLuke 6:27-38; 1 Cor. 10:31-11:1; Gal. 6:1-2

a)encouragement b)carry their burdens c)expose sin at the root

(3)Grow in Christlikeness:wRom. 8:28-29; James 1:2-4

a)repentance & change b)patience & perseverancec)depend upon God

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V. Conflict Resolution

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The “Four G’s” In Biblical Peacemaking

1. Glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31)

2. Get the Log Out of Your Eye (Matthew 7:5)

3. Gently Restore (Galatians 6:1)

4. Go and Be Reconciled (Matthew 5:24)

The Four G’s of Biblical Peacemaking

1. “Glorify God” (1 Cor. 10:31-11:1)wEph. 5:1-2 wPhil. 4:2-9 wPs. 37:1-9

wCol. 3:1-4 wRom. 12:17-21

a)Focusing on God is the key to resolving conflict constructivelyb) “Stewardship Principle”: a steward doesn’t manage things for himself, but rather for his Master (1 Cor. 4:1-2)

-motivation (focus on God, not self)-strength (God’s power, not my own)-dependance (trust God, not self)-response (God’s way, not my way)

c)Satan is the enemy of peace and the promoter of conflictChief Justice Warren Burger: “The courts have been expected to fill the void

created by the decline of the church, family, and neighborhood.”13



2. “Get the Log out of Your Own Eye” (Matt. 7:1-5)a)Questions to ask:

-Is this worth fighting over?-In what ways did I sin in this matter?-What “rights” am I worshipping?-How have I attempted to avoid my responsibility?

b) “The Golden Rule” (Matt. 7:12)c) “The Golden Result”

Justice Antonia Scalia: “We are too quick to seek vindication or vengeance through adversarial proceedings rather than peace through mediation. Christians, as they should be slow to anger, should be slow to sue.”

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2. “Get the Log out of Your Own Eye” (Matt. 7:1-5)Six Steps to Take

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1. Evaluate Your Own Contribution to the Problem (Matt. 7:3-5)

2. Define the Issues (Luke 12:13-15)

3. Overlook Minor Offenses (Prov. 19:11; 1 Pet. 4:8)

4. Check Your Own Attitude (Phil. 4:2-9)

5. Count the Cost (Matt. 5:23-26)

6. Exercise Your Responsibilities – Not Your Rights (Matt. 7:12)


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2. “Get the Log out of Your Own Eye” (Matt. 7:1-5)The Seven A’s of Confession

1. Address – only those involved

3. Admit – specific sin done

4. Acknowledge – the hurt done to the other

5. Accept – the consequences

2. Avoid – wrong words

6. Alter – your attitudes and behavior

7. Ask – for forgiveness


3. “Gently Restore” (Gal. 6:1-2; Matt. 18:15-17):a) Conflict creates opportunities to serve others:

-people are weighed down with problems-people need encouragement and help carrying their burdens-people need help to see their wrongs and in their need for change

b) Motivation in confrontation is “shepherd love”

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3. “Gently Restore” (Gal. 6:1-2; Matt. 18:15)c) Principles in Restoration

-after the log is out of your own eye-face to face-private and personal-go discerningly-go repeatedly (if needed)

d) When do I go?-if someone has something against you (Matt. 5:23-24)-if the sin is too serious to overlook (Luke 17:3)

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3. “Gently Restore” (Gal. 6:1-2)

e) How should I go?-be quick to listen (James 1:19)-bring hope through the gospel (John 4:7-42)-speak the truth in love (Prov. 15:1-4; Eph. 4:15-16)-the tongue of the wise brings healing (Prov. 12:18)

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Matthew 18 Blueprint for Conflict Resolution

3. Gently Restore: “The Context” of Matthew 18a) humility (18:1-5)b) selflessness (18:6-10)c) Shepherd love (18:11-14): parable of lost sheepd) Confrontation and restoration (18:15-17): sine) Authority and accountability (18:18-20): the churchf) Forgiveness (18:21-35): parable of unmerciful servant

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Matthew 18 Blueprintfor Conflict Resolution

3. Gently Restore: “The Principles” of Matthew 18a) prolonged, unresolved conflict involves sin (Matt. 5:21-24)b) keep the circle of people involved in conflict as small as possible for as long as possible (18:15-17)c) “face to face” is the best way in most casesd) if you are not able to resolve conflict in private, ask a few godly people to assist in reconciliatione) the church’s priority is to mend broken relationships (Gal. 6:1-2) and broken worship (Matt. 5:23-24)f) God views accountability and discipline as an act of love and a means to restoring his lost sheep (18:15-17)

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Matthew 18 Blueprint for Conflict Resolution

3. Gently Restore: Five Steps in Reconciliation(1)overlook minor offenses (Prov. 19:11; 1 Peter 3:8-12; Luke 17:3-4)

wfour questions to ask

(2)talk in private (1 Peter 3:8-12)(3)take one or two with you(4)tell it to the church(5)treat him as a non-believer (don’t pretend everything is alright)

a)it protects the Lord’s name from dishonorb)it protects other believers from being led astrayc)it helps the rebellious person to see their sin and repent

Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “Nothing is so cruel as the tenderness that consigns another to sin.”22



4. “Go and Be Reconciled” (Matt. 5:24)wMatt. 6:12 wMatt. 18:21-35 wMatt. 7:12wPhil. 2:3-4 wRom. 12:18wJohn 13:34-35 w1 Pet. 2:19, 4:19

a)What is not forgiveness?b)What is forgiveness?

-conscious choice (decision)-an act of the will-release of a debt owed-costly

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“Unforgiveness is the poison we drink

hoping others will die from it.”


4. “Go and Be Reconciled” (Matt. 5:24)c)How should you forgive?

-Eph. 4:32 -Two stages of forgivenessd)What does forgiveness look like?

-Four promises (Me, You, Others, Us)e)Can you ever mention the sin again?

-Principle -Reasonf)What about the consequences of sin?

-Principle (Key) -Reasong)Is restitution incompatible with forgiveness? Is it required?h)Summary principle for forgiveness and reconciliation:

-“Replacement Principle” 24


“PAUSE” Acronym (Five Principles in Resolving Conflict)

4. “Go and Be Reconciled” (Matt. 5:24)

(before you go)(relationships)

(interests)(for creative solutions)

(objectively all options)

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VI. Summary: Spiritual Weapons in the War of Conflict

• Military Principle: “the best defense is an effective offense.”• What are we fighting for? (2 Tim. 4:7-8)• What are we fighting against?

-2 Cor. 10:3-5 -Eph. 6:10-18

• With what weapons do we fight with?• How do we fight in conflict? (Romans 12:14-21)

1)Control your tongue (12:14)2)Seek godly counsel (12:15-16)3)Keep doing what is right (12:17)4)Recognize your limits (12:18-19)5)Love: the ultimate weapon (12:20-21) 26


Looking Ahead

• April 3rd – Biblical View of Sexuality: Kent Kloter

• April 10th – Sexual Sin: Kent Kloter and Kim Anderson

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Biblical Conflict Resolution - Bethany Community Church

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