BETH OLSON, MSW

The Realities of Power and Control After Separation

Advocacy Perspective

Base our understanding of an issue from the lived experiences of those affected by that issue, not other theory

Base our assistance on the self-defined needs and prioritization of those needs of the person affected

View child abuse as part of a broader social problem of inequality and oppression vs. individual problems or cases

Understand the individual’s/family’s experience in the context of societal beliefs values and norms

Recognize that the child’s health and well-being is directly related to the health and well-being of the non-offending parent

Definition of Battering

Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another

person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence.

Battering happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another.

Power and Control Wheel

Refer to your handout

Hierarchy within the Family

He sets the rulesShe is expected to enforce the rulesBlame from the bottom (kids) is targeted to the

middle (moms)He controls the parenting but does very little actual

quality parentingBecause he makes the rules, he can also change the

rulesShe will discipline in ways she doesn’t want to, to

avoid his overt use of violent disciplineShe may hide things from him to save the kids from

discipline

Using Children Post Separation

Refer to your handout

Withholding Financial Support

Withholding child support, insurance, medical and basic needs payments

Using court action to take her money, resources

Interfering with her ability to workBlocking access to money after separation

Discrediting Her as a Mother

Using her social status against her, sexual identity, immigration, races, religion, education, income

Inundating systems with false accusations of bad parenting, cheating, using drugs being “crazy”

Exploiting “children need a father” to gain sympathy

Isolation her from family, friends, practitioners,other supporters

Undermining her Ability to Parent

Disrupting children’s sleep, feeding patternsWithholding information about children’s

social, emotional and physical needsContradicting her rules for the childrenDemanding visitation schedules at children's

expense

Disregarding Children

Ignoring school schedules, homeworkRidiculing their needs, wants, fears,

identitiesForcing family members, new girlfriends or

wives other women to do the parenting workTreating them as younger or older that they

areEnforcing strict gender roles

Endangering Children

Neglecting them while in his carePutting them in age-inappropriate emotional

and physical situationsUsing violence in front of them

Using Harassment and Intimidation

Destroying things belonging or related to her or the children

Using children to justify breaking no-contact orders

Threatening and stalking her, the childrenMaking his presence known while staying

conspicuously outside protection order boundaries

Abusing animalsUsing third parties to harass, threaten and

coerce her

Using Physical and Sexual Violence against Mother and Children

• Threatening to kill or kidnap the children• Physically hurting her• Abusing the children physically, sexually,

emotionally• Threatening suicide• Forcing sex as a condition for keeping the

children safe or allowing her to see the children

• Exposing children to pornography

Disrupting Her Relationship with Children

Coercing children to ally with himDegrading her to the childrenUsing children as spiesIsolating children from her or her from the

children

7 Realities of Women Who Leave

1. He continues to have access to her through children.

What does this look like?• Access through visits with children and exchanges• Access through court custody provisions • Kids are the excuse for breaking orders and other

enforceable boundaries Question

• How does he still have contact with you?

7 Realities of Women Who Leave

2. Physical and sexual violence toward her and the children.

What does this look like?• Visits and exchanges are incredibly dangerous for her• She faces the increased risk of being killed in the weeks after

leaving• He will at least proposition sexual favors in exchange for

belongings or children• He will sexually assault her during exchanges• He will exert his domination over her and the children with

physical force Question

• In what ways does he hurt or endanger you?• In what ways does he hurt or endanger your children?• What happens when you report?

7 Realities of Women Who Leave

3. She is blamed What does this look like?

• He blames her for the violence, makes her the scapegoat for everything

• Her kids blame her for his violence, for having to move, change schools etc…

• Support systems and society blame her“Why doesn’t she just…”Children’s trauma related to DV appears in behaviors

and her parenting is scrutinized Question

• How do you feel blamed for his actions?• How has your children’s behavior changed?

7 Realities of Women Who Leave

4. She becomes the focus What does this look like?

• His violence disappears• He will play the victim with the system • She is under a microscope and is on the defense• His statements are taken as fact and often put in writing• He will report over and over to the system discrediting her as a

parentShe drinks, she does drugs…etc..She is constantly having to defend and then appears crazy and

angry Question

• What happens when you interact with the system?• What happens when he interacts with the system?• How do you build credibility with the system?• What do you have to defend about yourself?• What does he have to defend about himself?

7 Realities of Women Who Leave

5. The children are used as tools What does this look like?

• He gets almost immediate visitation• He will hurt the children because he knows it is what she cares about

most• He will use the children as an excuse to have continued access to her • He will disregard the children’s needs

Ignoring school schedules and homework Interrupting sleeping and feeding schedules

• Contradicting her rules for parenting• Undermining her parenting• Interrupting her relationship with the children

Question• What does your relationship with your children look like after

separation?• What does his relationship with your children look like after

separation?

7 Realities of Women Who Leave

6. Her economic status is dependent on him What does this look like?

• In the relationship he controlled the money• Not paying child support• Quitting his job or working for cash• She will be held accountable for debt accumulated while he was in

charge of the finances• He will be able to change custody to change child support• He will move or hide money during the course of reporting

financials to attorneys• He can throw money at a problem, drag her into court• He can raise question about her use of support money

Question• How is your financial situation controlled by him after separation?• What do you have to do to get his financial help with the children?

7 Realities of Women Who Leave

7. She is alone What does this look like?

• She is very isolated during the relationship• He will charm/manipulate her support system into believing

him He is the victim He will form relationships with others and explain how crazy

and unstable she is• Support systems after she leaves are largely professionals,

advocates, therapists, social workers• Her baseline of trust is gone and so it is difficult to reach out

or build support networks• Support systems get scared away

Question• Who are your support people?• In what ways are they supportive?

What is the impact on her and the children?

She can appear crazy, hyper vigilant, nervous, defensive, uncooperative

She will lose credibility with the systemShe will be under the microscope and her decisions

scrutinizedShe is forced to make concessions for her safety or the

safety of the childrenHis violence becomes invisible and so decisions are

made that decrease the safety for her and the childrenShe is forced to make decisions that affect her and the

kids lives long term before she can sort through coming out of a battering relationship

Strategies to intervene in his power and control

Use these questions to understand the realities for her and her children

Build a connection with her/engage her in the process Always keep in mind the continued effect of his past and

current violence/understand the dynamics of power and control

Think long term when making decisionsDocument her reality, not his batteringEliminate his access to her

Supervised exchange programs that work for safety for the mother and her children

Help her find ways outside of the system to reduce contact or connection to him

First Witness Advocacy Trainings and Conference Duluth, MN

Training for Advocates Working in a CAC April 8-10, 2015 October 7-9, 2015

Training for Advocates: Co-occurrence of Domestic Violence and Child Abuse

May 18-19, 2015 October 19-20, 2015

Stand Against Child Abuse Conference July 13, 14 Track for advocates: 12 workshops and one plenary

that speak just to you!