BBen JohnsonCopywriter & Cartoonist

T o’ C1. This Isn’t Going to Fly2. Coat Checkers2. Some Randomness4. Outer Space Animals5. A Weak Person’s Guide to the Gym

THIS ISN’T GOING TO FLYNEW SAMPLES FROM MY OLDEST AND MOST BELOVED WEBCOMIC

ILLUSTRATION SAMPLES

I am in the process of relaunching this webcomic (read: getting it off Blogger). If you’d like to see the doodled archives though, you can find them HERE.

COAT CHECKERSMY TRI-WEEKLY [semi-constrained] WEBCOMIC ABOUT COAT HANGERS, WHICH YOU CAN FIND HERE.

SOME RANDOMNESS(because why not?)

Character design for surf company client

Ad-lad, my short-lived comic about the state of advertising today

OUTER SPACE ANIMALSA CHILDREN’S BOOK IN PROGRESS

I’m in the process of illustrating a children’s book I’ve written. Below you’ll find some sample illustrations and some of the written story.

Out in outer space there is a space ship, A space ship called Cuteness-9.Where Outer Space Animals keep a look outTo make sure outer space is fine.

They keep an eye out for aliensAnd oncoming asteroids too. They help identify gamma raysInfra red, infra green, infra blue

THE STORY IS COMPELETLY WRITTEN.JUST NOT ENTIRELY ILLUSTRATED.

A WEAK PERSON’S GUIDE TO THE GYM BY BEN JOHNSON

Going to the gym can be an intimidating and horrifying experience, especially for those of us who consider ourselves among the weaker set. These five tips and techniques are designed to help you get yourself over those fears and become a master of whatever gym you choose—no matter how much you can (or can’t) bench.

1. Learn to master the “I’m-Zonked” look. This is the key to everything.

Now, what is the “I’m-Zonked” Look? Simple. It’s when you sit at a weight machine not lifting weights and look zonked: mouth slightly agape, eyes staring blankly for-ward, arms dangling limply at your side.

The reason this is key is that not only is it a common sight in the gym, it’s also easy to fake.

When you put on your “I’m-Zonked” look everyone will think you’re doing the hardest workout ever. No one’s going to mess with you. No one will get in

Originally published on Blurban.org, Nov. 2012

your way. No one will ask you to move along from that machine. To them, you are in the zone—and you don’t mess with someone in the zone. With the “I’m-Zonked” Look you’ve given yourself temporary immunity from all judgment. Master this look and any gym will be your domain.

2. Learn a few machines and stick to them.

JUST PULL THIS CORD AND YOU’LL BE WORKING OUT.

I’ve totally got this.

The gym shouldn’t be like a gourmet restaurant. You shouldn’t want to try everything on the menu. For us weak people the gym is more like Denny’s. You know what’s safe to order and that’s what you should stick to every time. The great thing about weight machines is that about 25% of them are intuitive, so you can just look at them and guess what to do. And then there are another 25% you can figure out by spying on other people using them.

There are also directions on every machine. You should probably read them. Really, all I’m saying is pick a few muscles you want to make look better, find the machines that’ll make that happen, and stay the course. Denny’s style.

3. Don’t do barbells. Just don’t do barbells. You’ll only wind up feeling inferior.

Barbells are for strong people. And not only that, but strong people who know they’re strong people. Have you ever noticed how there’s a mirror by the barbells? The idea being you should watch yourself lift to make sure you have proper form. Well, that’s not what’s really going on. What’s really happening is that everyone lifting barbells is looking at their pulsing muscles in the mirror, thinking, “I. Look. Awesome.”

4. Learn to accept that you will be judged. Indeed, the gym can feel like a very judgmental place.

You know what I’m talking about: while you’re sweating your butt off there’s always a person who isn’t sweating at all and is in fact dressed so cute or handsomely they could probably go straight from the gym to the club. And you know in your soul of souls that you will never look that put together at the gym (if at all, ever). Well folks, judgment is bound to happen. People are going to be judging you, just as you are judging them for being so sweat-free and put-together.

But here’s why not to worry: because people are judging you all the time every day about everything anyways! So why worry about it at the gym? At least at the gym you’re making a public attempt to let a few of your muscles look marginally better. That’s commendable! Let the judgers judge. Also, it’s good to note that approxi-mately 95% of people don’t look put-together at the gym.

5. Learn to judge other people. I’ll confess that when I use weight machines the amount of weight I use is embarrassing. Sure, that weight tuckers me out, but by anyone else’s standards, it’s not much. Whenever I start using a machine it always feels like the last person who used it was A) way taller than me and B) way, way stronger than me. For a long time I felt bad about this. My muscles weren’t good enough. People were secretly scoffing at me. It made me feel uneasy. But then I saw a guy who used less weight than me and I thought, “Yes! I am not the weakest any more!” So rest assured, if you look for someone to feel superior over, you will find them eventually. It’s just a fact of life. Conversely, there are probably many people feeling superior over you right now. But whatever.

You don’t want to expose yourself to that. At least not yet. Not until you’re super strong too. So just stay away from the barbell area, ok?

Gyms are about getting healthy, but also about feed-ing egos. To deny that fact would be folly. So, what the hell? If you’re feeding someone else’s ego, why not feed your own? Feel a little superior to someone out there. Just don’t be mean about it.

AND THAT’S IT! THANKS FOR TAKING A LOOK!

My name is Ben Johnson and I can be reached at johnsonbcw@gmail.com or 781-439-3126

(Also, here’s what I look like.)