Being at Peace with Conflict:Coming to terms with our “negative

otherness”

Edgardo Morales Ed.D

Paloma Sofia Torres-Davila Ph.D ( c )

November 17, 2012

Structure of our seminar

• Describe what has influenced our work with conflict

• Introduce the concept of the “negative other” and discuss how it relates to our view that we are often “in conflict with conflict”

• Present an awareness practice to enhance our sensitivity in our relationship to conflict.

• Discuss our work as therapists to illustrate how we engage this “negative otherness” in ourselves, as well as help clients relate to conflict and to their “negative otherness”.

Influences

Being at Peace with

Conflict

Self Relations

Relational Constructionism

Buddhist Awareness

Practice

We begin with the “Negative Others”?

• Experiences, thoughts, emotions, ways of relating, institutions that appear as an “enemy”.

• They don’t fit within our identity, ideals, values, hopes, and plans.

• We see and relate to them as “foreign”, hostile, and/or “out of control”.

• We demonized them.

• We act to eradicate, exterminate, medicate or suppress them.

Conflict as a negative other

• We may be at conflict with certain thoughts, emotions, sensations, as well as others.

• We may come to view conflict as if there is something “not quite right” in us or in the other.

• We may relate to being in conflict as a “negative other” as a “foreign presence”, as “not self”.

The Use of Exclutionary Practices

• When conflict becomes a “negative other”, we relate to it through exclusionary practices.– We make being in conflict, wrong.

– We may be fearful of it, we may condemn it and strive to eliminate it.

– We alienate it, we refuse to listen to its voice.

– We seek peace by:• striving to monitor, eliminate, or control conflict.

• escaping, fleeing, avoiding or pushing it away, or grasping for harmony

When we are in conflict with conflict

• We may be caught between two forces:

– The urgent need to fix conflict, to make the situation “right”.

– The admonishment to “not push it”, “slow down”, to be “accepting” and “empathic”, to conform to some ideal or norm of “good therapeutic practice”.

• We become conflicted inside and impaired relationally

Being in Conflict with Conflict

• Attempting to generate peace may be an expression of a fundamental intolerance to conflict.

• Paradoxically in seeking to end conflict, to be at peace, we perpetuate the very conditions or practices that foster it.

• Being in conflict with conflict is not peace, it’s just more conflict.

Consequences of “being in conflict with conflict”

• It subjects us to the “tyranny of the ideal”.

• Disconnects us from alternative voices and perspectives

• It interferes with our relational flow and limits our options in the “interactive moment” when dealing with opposition.

Our assumptions about peace and conflict

• We assume conflict is unavoidable

• Opposition and disconnection are part of life

• While some of the expressions of conflict may be harmful, it is also a source of connection, creativity, and aliveness.

• Conflict in itself is not necessarily a problem but the way we relate to it, may make it so.

Key questions

• Can we relate to conflict from a different relational stance?

• Can we position our relationship to conflict in ways that don’t exclude and perpetuate the conditions that engender intolerance, estrangement, and violence on ourselves and on others?

Being at peace with conflict can be a by product of a particular

relational stance we call an opponents practice.

Opponents practice

• It’s a stance that is founded in an embodied relational presence– We move our awareness towards that which we are

opposed to or in conflict with

– It is grounded in a felt sense that maintains us relationally connected to the “other” and what is arising in relationship

– It allows us to explore it, to be open to the diverse voices and expressions that are in conflict

– It provides a relational space where multiplicity can manifest, sensed and be heard

What does this mean in practice?

• We stay relationally connected to what is going on inside and outside.

– This includes the moments when you realize “you lost it”, you’re in tension, you’re “trying to push it” or you “lost your relational connection”

• We begin to approach conflict, our “negative otherness” with a sense of curiosity which is not forced but is a product of a relational stance.

What does this mean in practice?

• With our clients this curiosity may move us, into a space of joint reflection and inquiry .

• We may foster conversations that focus on what there is in common, what joins people together

• We ask and hear more inclusive questions and become curious about alternative stories. (“is this truly all there is, all that can be said about ….”)

• We may experience a greater openness to vulnerability and a willingness to engage in meaningful heartfelt conversations.

Generative Questions

• How do you foster “being at peace with conflict”

• What happens in you experience and in your work when it occurs? What changes? What difference does it make?