Copyright

Copyright©1985,2000byLittle,BrownandCompanyIntroductioncopyright©2000byCliftonFadimanandAndréBernard

Allrightsreserved.Nopartof thisbookmaybereproducedinanyformorbyanyelectronicormechanicalmeans,includinginformationstorageandretrievalsystems,withoutpermissioninwritingfromthepublisher,exceptbyareviewerwhomayquotebriefpassagesinareview.

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FIRSTREVISEDEDITION

This book is an updated and revised edition of The Little, Brown Book ofAnecdotes,editedbyCliftonFadiman.

FirsteBookEdition:September2000

ISBN:978-0-446-93126-7

Copyright acknowledgmentsmay be found at the back of the book, followingtheindexes.

http://www.HachetteBookGroup.com

Andoncewhensayinghisprayers,whichhe[SydneySmith]alwaysdidoutloud,hewasoverheardtosay:“NowLord,I’lltellyouananecdote.”

—PatrickMahony,IntroductiontoBarbedWitandMaliciousHumor

CONTENTS

Copyright

Publisher’sNote

Acknowledgments

Introduction

NotetotheRevisedEdition

Anecdotes

ABCDEFGHIJKLM

NOPQRSTUVWXYZ

SourceList

Bibliography

IndexofNames

IndexofSubjects

PUBLISHER’SNOTE

THIS BOOK IS FOR THE MOST PART A COLLECTION OF ANECDOTES ABOUT READILYIDENTIFIABLEPEOPLEANDISORGANIZEDALPHABETICALLYBYPERSON.Wheredoubtexistsas towhomananecdoteshouldbeascribed,wehaveusuallychosenthemorefamiliarname.Inasmanycasesaspossible,wehaveplacedtheanecdotewith that person whose character is most revealed. Some anecdotes includedhere are connectedwith obscure or unfamiliar names or places.Theywere sointeresting in their own right thatwe included them in no particular order. Todistinguishthemfromtheregulartext,theyareboxed.

WehopeBartlett’sBook ofAnecdotes has value as awork of reference aswellasoneofentertainment.Itdoesnot,however,claimtobeaworkofexactscholarship,andshouldnotbeusedasaninfallibleencyclopedia.Anecdotesareby nature often well worn; while in circulation (and after decades or evencenturies)attributionscanbemixedup,datescanbechanged,andtheverypointof the stories can be lost. But we have done our best to verify the historicalaccuracy of those anecdotes we have included in this volume. We hope itpresentsalivelymixofthehoaryandthefresh,togiveafulltouroftheworldoftheanecdote.

Theeditorsareespeciallygratefultoafewexceptionallyfinecollectionsofanecdotesthatareavailabletothegeneralreaderandthathaveprovideduswithsourcematerial.Allcollectionslikeoursareinparttheproductofpilferage;wehavetriedtostopshortofpillage.Foremostamongoursourcesarethevolumesprepared by Paul F. Boller, Jr., which include Presidential Anecdotes,Presidential Wives, Hollywood Anecdotes, and Presidential Campaigns, allpublished by Oxford University Press. While stories about presidents, theirwives, and their campaigns can be found readily, Mr. Boller has collected,selected,andwritten thebest,andhisextensive listingofsourcesattests tohis

thoroughand original research. The reader is urged to turn to his books for amore complete and definitive collection on his chosen subjects. The samerecommendation can be made for the great poet Donald Hall’s work on TheOxfordBookofAmericanLiteraryAnecdotes.

Acompletebibliography listsallofour sources. Inaddition, the source foreachanecdoteisgiven,whenknown,inaSourceListatthebackofthisbook,precedingthebibliography.Everyefforthasbeenmadetocreditsources;whereinformationismissingorincorrect(andwithmaterialasdiverseasisincludedinthis long volume, some gaps may be inevitable), the publisher regrets theomission and will print the correct information with full credit in subsequentprintings.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Bartlett’s Book of Anecdotes is a revised, edited version ofThe Little, BrownBook of Anecdotes, the last edition ofwhichwas published in 1985. For thatversion,Clifton Fadiman, asGeneral Editor, contributed andwrote anecdotes,madethefinalselection,andeditedthevolume.HealsowasresponsibleforthetranslationsfromFrenchandGermansources.AmongthecontributorswereJoeBryan III, Annalee andKim Fadiman, Albert Friendly, Leo CounceHopkins,GeorgeLang,HenryD. Smith II, andDon andSiuZimmerman;AnnSleeperandBetsyPitha;ColleenMohyde,MargaretFreudenthal,andVirginiaCreeden;and Susanne McNatt and Mary George. For the 2000 edition the editors aregratefultooureditoratLittle,Brown,ChipRossetti,andespeciallytoourcopy-editor,PamelaMarshall,whomadevaluablesuggestionsandheroiccorrections;bothwerepatientandgood-naturedbeyondanyreasonableexpectation.

INTRODUCTION

ANCESTRY

HOWFARBACKDOANECDOTESGO?Aswithsomanyothergood things,whatwenowcallanecdotesmayhave

started in classical Greece. Joseph Epstein quotes the Italian scholar ArnaldoMomigliano,who,inhisDevelopmentofGreekBiography,conjecturesthattheanecdote’s founding fathermay have been themusical theoristAristoxenus ofTarentum (born c. 370 BC): “Perhaps [Aristoxenus] was… the first to makeanecdotesanessentialpartofbiography….IsuspectthatweowetoAristoxenusthenotionthatagoodbiographyisfullofgoodanecdotes.”

ThoughweborrowedthetermfromtheFrench,anecdoteultimatelyderivesfromanalmostidenticalGreekwordmeaning“thingsnotgivenout,”or,aswewouldsay,unpublished.ItisinthissensethatCicerousesittodescribesomeofhisownmanuscripts,ausagefollowedlaterbyRenaissancescholars todenotemanuscriptsdiscoveredinlibrariesandafterwardpublished.

From the outset there seems also to have been attached to the word aconnotationofsecrecyorperhapsmerelygossip.Asabiographicaldeviceitwasand remains anti-official, anti-panegyrical. It surprises the human being inquestionenpantoufles.

The anecdote’s shady reputation probably derives from the sixth-centuryByzantine historian Procopius, who called his posthumously published,scandalous account of the Emperor Justinian Anecdota or Historia Arcana(SecretHistory).

ItisduringtheRenaissance,withtheriseofcities,royalcourts,atrueleisure

class, and the cult of the individual that the anecdote, a form of condensedgossip,beginsclearlytoshowitsface.Itbeginstoshakeoffitsassociationwiththemerelyscandalous.

InhisDissertationonAnecdotesIsaacD’Israeli(1766–1848)tellsusthattheFrenchbroadenedthetermtomakeitapplyto“anyinterestingcircumstance.”IntheeighteenthcenturySamuelJohnsondefineditas“abiographicalincident;aminutepassageofprivatelife.”Thesuggestionofamusingtrivialitynowbeginsto emerge, so that two centuries laterWinston Churchill could call anecdotes“thegleamingtoysofhistory.”Inthetransactionsofbiographers theyfunctionaspettycash.

The eighteenth century also marked the beginning of the association ofanecdotes with the wit of old men. You can trace it in the French aphoristRivarol (1753–1801). The frayed pejorative pun “anecdotage”may have beeninvented by John Wilkes (1727–1797) or perhaps by Thomas De Quincey(1785–1859).ItwasmadefashionablebyBenjaminDisraeliinLothair (1870):“Whenaman fell intohis anecdotage itwas a sign forhim to retire from theworld.” But in 1835, thirty-five years earlier, an anonymous scribbler inBlackwood’s Magazine had already made fierce play with the word: “Thedisgustingperversionsoftheiranileanecdotage.”Itwouldseemthatinyouthwesowourwildoats,inoldageourtameanecdotes.

WemayconjecturethatbythebeginningoftheeighteenthcenturytheformhadcomeofageinWesternEurope.Continuingtodevelop,itbecomesmoreandmore luxuriant aswe approach our own time.Hence this anthology’s decidedslanttowardthemodern.

ANATOMYOFTHEANECDOTE

Ananecdote,soMerriam-Webster’sTenthCollegiateDictionary informsus, is“ausuallyshortnarrativeofan interesting,amusing,orbiographical incident.”This collectionconfines itself to “biographical incidents.”Weadmit, however,thatonoccasionwehavestretchedthenotionofincidentsoastoaccommodateareasonable number of origin stories, traditional tales, or wisecracks of theGrouchoMarx–DorothyParkerstripe.

Such witticisms gain in interest when placed in a setting, but it has not

always been possible to provide one. We are, for example, ignorant of thecircumstancesinwhichthecomposerMascagnistatedthat theItalianlanguagehas threedegreesofcomparison:stupido,stupidissimo, and tenore.Ditto for alearnedmathematicsprofessor,Badkebyname,whooncedefinedapointasanangle from which the two sides have been removed. These noncontextualexamplesfailingtoqualifyasanecdotes,Ihavedishonestlysmuggledthemintothis paragraph so that theymay not be forever lost. But they really belong inBartlett’sFamiliarQuotations,withwhichthisbookisnotincompetition.

Webster’ssays:“ausuallyshortnarrative.”Wehave ingeneralobeyed thisrequirement but in a few instances violated it in order to illustrate whatentertainedmenandwomenofgenerationslongpast.Ourpredecessors,atleasttothemid-ninetenthcentury,valuedprolixyaswedoterseness.Theyhadmoretime.Anditwasworthlessmoney.

Furthermore,Webster’sadjectives“interesting”and“amusing”maynotseemtous to apply tomanyanecdotes that apparentlygave thempleasure.Adustycollection called The Percy Anecdotes offers items like this: When the lateMarquis of Cornwallis was leaving a nobleman’s house and stepping into hiscarriage,aservantofferedtoholdanumbrellaoverhim.“Takethatthingaway,”saidhislordship.“Iamneithersugarnorsalt,tosufferbyashowerofrain.”Tous this seems flat. It is too reasonable. Themetaphor is one you and Imighthave thought of without any notion that it might pass for wit. Still, ourforefathers prized such conversational junk jewelry, giving it the name ofanecdote.

Wemustkeepinmindthattheauthoroftheforegoingwasamarquis.Thathelped.TheundeservedlyforgottonessayistFrankMooreColbyonceremarked,“NeverdestroyanuninterestingletteristhefirstruleoftheBritisharistocracy.”Secondrule:Alwaysremembertorecordanuninterestingactionorremark.Thisrulehasgeneratedareveredtradition,featuringthepeerageatitsdullest.HoraceWalpole felt the need to record for posterity that the contemporary dowagerDuchessofDevonshirestayedup“everyevening,tillitwasdark,intheskittle-ground keeping the score. …” Though we have salvaged a few of theseantiquities—seeTHOMASHERBERTPEMBROKE1—wemust for themostpartthinkofthemasanaratherthananecdotes.

Ourdictionarydefinesana:“collecteditemsofinformation,esp.anecdotalorbibliographical.”Wewouldcallitmiscellany.ThePercy miscellany is a kind of free-form substitute for a magazine. It is apotpourri of historical episodes, potted biographies, oddities of literature and

history,excerptsfromtrialproceedings,classicallegends,recordsofsensationalevents, believe-it-or-nots, travel memoirs, snippets from Plutarch, Herodotus,Macrobius; ghost andhorror stories; oddities of natural history; recordsof thelivesofeccentrics,geniuses,andotherabnormals;edifyingexamplesofvirtuousspeech and action; excerpts from letters; essaylets on the arts, sciences, andvocations. Indeed inmany respects it is an unsystematicmini-encyclopedia ofmanners,persons,arts,sciences,andprofessions.

A representative collection such asThe Lounger’s Commonplace Book; or,AlphabeticalAnecdotes,theworkofJeremiahWhitakerNewman(1759–1839),tends to conceive the anecdote as an extended short biography, often of anobscurepersonwhoselifeisinsomerespectstrikingorunusual.Moralizingisafeatureofthegenre.Thenotionofpointorhumorhardlyenters.Itwasnotuntilalmost the twentieth century that the anecdote became sparser, more isolatedfrom a larger narrative context, achieving an economical effect withcorrespondingeconomyofmeans(seeHENRYJAMES2).

It is not always easy to distinguish between anecdote and episode. Theseventh-century BC Greek poet Archilochus composed satires against hisprospective father-in-law, Lycam-ber, so powerful that the poor man and hisdaughterbothhangedthemselves.Thisisbeyondadoubtbrief(IhavetoldyouallIknow),itneedsnolargercontext,itisfarfromprosy.Yetonethinksofitasanepisoderatherthanananecdote.Ifwearetoadmitallthestrikingepisodestobediscovered inanyeventful life(sayNapoleon’s),wewouldcomeupwithabookquite different from theoneyou are now reading.Thus the storyof vanGogh’searcomposesafascinatingchapterinhisbiography,butistoocomplex,inasensetooimportant,toqualifyasananecdote.Manyunforgettableepisodesof history fall into this nonanecdotal category. In 1347 Edward III, havingstarvedCalaisintosubmission,requiredsixmentodeliverthekeysofthetownand castle dressed “in their shirts and with halters about their necks.” Theysacrificedthemselvesfortheirtown.Thoughamovingstory,isthisananecdote?Ithinknot.

Whatmakesrulesinteresting,however,aretheexceptions.Thereforeinthisrepositorywehaveincludedanumberofsuchanecdote-episodeswhenevertheyseemedtouseffectiveinbriefformanddivertingorstrikingor,aswithEDITHCAVELL1,atreasureditemofourfolkmemory.

Acareermaybecrowded,itmaybeamodelofhighachievementandyetinour sense produce few real anecdotes. Goethe, a titan, did not generatetitanecdotes. His countrymen preserve as anecdotes his sayings, which range

from the magnificent to the magnificently banal. Within this range you mayplaceaccordingtoyourtastethistypicalexample:ToafriendwhoregrettedthathehadneverseenItaly,Goethesaid,“Good,forifyouhad,ourownskywouldneverseemblueenough.”

However,sothatcertainsupremelygreatnamesmaybeatleastrepresented,we have on occasion smuggled in an anecdote or two that may be onlymoderatelystriking(seeJ.S.BACH1).Butnotallgreatsarelinkedtotrivia;thereaderwillnotetheabsenceofmanyfamousfigures.

Justasafirst-rateanecdoteshouldbemorethanmerelyagoodsaying,soitshouldbemorethananoddbiographicalfact.Itiswellknown,forinstance,thatSchillerworkedbetterwheninhalingtheodorofoverripeappleskeptinhisdeskdrawer. And we learn from Gordon Rattray Taylor’s The Great EvolutionMysterythattheworld’sleadingauthorityongiantclams,ProfessorSirMauriceYonge,istheonlymanwhohasreadTheDeclineandFalloftheRomanEmpirefrom cover to cover while sitting on the Great Barrier Reef. Such eccentricparticulars make for delightful reading but in the strict sense they are notanecdotalandfewwillbefoundinthesepages.

Oddity alone, then, will not quite do. King FrederickAugustus of Saxonywas in the course of his career elected king of Poland and became known asAugustustheStrong.Hewouldastonishhisdinnerguestsbypickinguptwoofhis state trumpeters, one in each hand. For fiveminutes hewould keep themdanglingwhile theyplayedafanfare. It isnotclear justwhatearnedAugustushis epithet — this kind of thing or his fathering of 354 bastards. The latterachievement recommends him to Guinness, but he doesn’t quite fit into thisbook.

Similarly,we have generally ignored practical jokes, exceptwhen they arenotonlyamusingbuthavesomekindofnarrativeformandareconnectedwithafamouspersonage(JOHNPARTRIDGE1).

Finally, a book of biographical anecdotes must be just that, whether theindividual created or provoked the anecdote.We have pinned each item to asingle person (on occasionwewere compelled to use a straight rather than asafetypin).Butinthepastlessrestrictiveviewsobtained.IsaacD’Israelithought“there areanecdotes of the art aswell as theArtist; of thewar aswell as theGeneral; of the nation as well as theMonarch.” Such anecdotes we prefer toleavetothehistorybooks.It istrue,however,thatabiographicalanecdotecanthrowlightonanimportantaspectofanentirenation(seePABLOPICASSO5).

The preceding comments underline the obvious: that the definition of

anecdote shifts with the centuries. For our purposes anecdotes remain whatD’Israeli called them — “minute notices of human nature and of humanlearning,”eveniftodaywearelessinterestedinthelatterthanintheformer.Thewitty, the humorous, those crackling with the whiplash of a tagline, tend tocirculatemostwidely, to conformmore closely to themodern sensibility. Butthere is plenty of room for the quieter anecdote whose value lies in theilluminationofcharacterortheinculcationofamorallesson.

We prefer our anecdotes to be short, free-standing,with a nub or point orcenter. This book, nevertheless, contains many of which this cannot be said.EDWARDGIBBON1hasnoidentifiable“point.”Butitcontinuestointerestusasafamous statementmade by a famous person about a critical event in his life.Some anecdotes are really mini-dramas appealing to our tenderest emotions(BRONSONALCOTT1;CHARLESDEGAULLE4).Others—indeed,many—stripusof our dignity. Some depend on mere word-play and do not rate a secondreading,whileothers(ALBERTEINSTEIN13)set themindpondering.Somemaynotevendependonwordsatall(GEORGEANTHEIL1).

WHEREDOANECDOTESCOMEFROM?

Withmanyexceptions,anecdotesseemtobedominantlyurban.OurMountainMen,ourpioneers,produceyarns,notanecdotes;desertandpeasantculturesarerarely anecdotal seminaries. The atmosphere of the court, the great house, thecapital, favors the anecdote as do many institutions and vocations associatedwiththecity:theclub,thedinnerparty,theuniversity,thetheater,thestudioandgallery,thelawcourt,parliamentsandsenates.Theanecdoteisasocialproduct;itdoesnotflourishinisolation.Onequalifiesimmediately:certainpersonalities,irrespectiveoftheirenvironmentorcalling,maybeanecdotalnaturals.

Still,inthesepageshighlysocialbeingsaregenerallyprominent.Theytendtobeassociated in fairpartwith theartsand inconsequenceexhibit relativelyunconventional temperaments: Tristan Bernard, Whistler, Sarah Bernhardt,GeorgeKaufman.On the other hand, statesmen toomay be loci of anecdote:Churchill (buthewasalsoapainter);Lincoln(buthewasalsoagreatwriter);Talleyrand.Moneymenarefarlessinevidence—thoughthereisJ.P.Morgan,of course, and one of our most profound and prescient anecdotes is about a

banker (JAMES STILLMAN 1). Show business is repletewith livelyminds. It isfairlywell represented in these pages.Children, as youmust know from yourownchildhood,arenaturallybrighterthanadults,andintheoryshouldprovideamineofanecdotes.However,therulesofourgamerequirethatnotablenamesbeattachedtothem,whichlimitsthefield.

Thecaseofpoliticiansisinteresting,Manypoliticians,ofcourse,havebeenvividorwittypersonalities;butthegeneralrunareeitherbynatureunamusingor are afraid to be thought amusing. ThatAdlai Stevensonwas an interestingmanwith a quicksilver mind proved a political handicap. This is not true, ofcourse,forthegenuinegreats,aLincoln,aDisraeli,aChurchill.Buttheneedtoprovide an image (or, aswith RichardNixon, a selection of images) tends toinhibitthekindofconductthatgeneratesanecdotes.Still,lookatCoolidge,whoinsomeoddmannercontrivedtobebothwittyanddull.

This collection is sadly deficient in anecdotes aboutwomen.The reason isapparent:thechronicleofhumankindhasbeenwrittenbythewinners—atleastup toourownday.Onewouldwager that the indexofacompilation like this,but published a century hence, will contain the names of a vast number ofwomen. Yet even our sparse representation suggests that when women areamusingortrenchantorintellectuallyprovocativetheyareoftenfarmoresothanaremen.ThefoursamplesfromSophieArnouldrevealasubtlerspiritthanthetwelveitemsassociatedwithsorenownedawitasSirThomasBeecham.

Finally,intryingtoidentifythelociofanecdotes,wemustkeepinmindthatthecollectorcanworkonlywithwhathasbeenrecorded.Becausehewasagreatmonarch much of what Louis XIV said and did in public, whether dull orinteresting,wasboundtoshowupinmemoirsoftheperiod.Itis,however,quitepossible that thousands of remarkable or funny stories by or about obscurefigures have been recounted in forgotten conversations. Such oral anecdote islost forever. In the space-time continuum, one imagines, there exists a wholelibraryofsuchanecdotes.Butitisunwritten.

ANECDOTESANDNATIONALITY

AwomanonceaskedDr.Johnsonwhyhisdictionarydefined“pastern”as“thekneeofahorse.”“Ignorance,madam,pureignorance,”hereplied.Thisbook’s

editors are equipped with plenty of pure ignorance. Worse still, they are notlinguists.Theyhandleadequatelyonlythreelanguages.HencetheanecdotesaremainlyofBritish,American,French,andGermanorigin.

Nevertheless,admittingourignoranceandlanguagelimitations,weconsiderthese pages not unduly parochial. A genius for or interest in anecdote is notuniversal.Thenationaltraitsthatgivebirthtotheseairytriflesseemlessmarkedin other countries than in those mentioned above. Perhaps Scandinavians andSwissandPolesarenotsoreceptivetoeccentricity.Oritmaybethattheyhavenot chanced to evolve certain social or class institutions that tend to generateanecdotes.

Evenwhen the language is open to us our selectionsmaybe insufficientlyrepresentative.WeareconditionedbyanAnglo-Americanculture.Consequentlywhatpleasesusmaynotpleasethosedifferentlyconditioned,andviceversa.Forexample,weincludefromtheGermanmanyanecdoteswethinkentertainingorinstructive. Butwe have also omittedmany thatmake a special appeal to theGermanictemperament.Hereisone:

A lady suffering from headache consulted the famous Berlin physicianHeimand,insomeembarrassment,askedwhethershecouldtryaremedythathadbeen recommended toher as infallible: coveringherheadwithsauerkraut. Heim replied: “Excellent — but don’t forget to mix abratwurstwithit!”

Asonemoves eastward, thedivergenceof tastebecomesmore radical.WewouldhavelikedtofindsomeanecdoticreflectionofthemagnificentculturesofIndia,China,andJapan.Thisbookpresentsafaintreflectionofthatreflection.But after admittedly superficial research, one is led to conclude thatanecdotically East is East, andWest isWest, and never the twain shallmeet.Oriental “anecdotes” tend either to be moral parables — bits and pieces ofwisdom literature—or longishhistoricalepisodes.Rarelydo they seem tobethebubbles that formandbreakon thesurfaceofsocial intercourse.TheEast,whetherNear,Middle,orFar, isnotattuned toourkindofanecdote, justas itdoesnotappeartoproduceourkindoflightverse.(Searchthesepagescarefullyenough,however,andyoumayfindoneortwoOttomanecdotes.)

Withrespecttooursubject,itisnottruetosaythatAmericansandBritishareseparatedbyacommonlanguage.TheAmericananecdotaltonediffersslightlyand interestingly from the British, but no vast gulf separates our mutual

appreciation.However,againwemustqualify.Wehave includeda fewcricketstories thatwill bafflemanyAmericans. To be fair,we have included enoughbaseballstoriestoinfuriateourBritishcousins.

AUTHENTICITY

LeslieStepheninhis lifeofMiltonremarksthatnogoodstoryisquite true.Asoberingthought.

Anecdotes are the thistledownofbiography.Toestablish authenticity in allcases is impossible. We have done our best. Where we strongly suspect ananecdotetobeapocryphal,wehavesostated.Wedonot,however,claimtohaveidentifiedeverypossiblecaseandwewelcomecorrectionsfromourreaders.

We have tried to keep in mind the words of the venerable president ofMagdalen,Oxford,MartinJosephRouth(1755–1854).Approachingthecenturymark,hewasonceaskedbyadisciplewhatsinglewisdom-crammedaxiomorprecepthecouldabstractfromhislonglife’sexperience.Thepresidentreflected,then,afteralongpause,said,“Ithink,sir,sinceyoucomefortheadviceofanold man, sir, you will find it a very good practice always to verify yourreferences!”

Well said. But difficulties abound. There is, for example, the self-effacinganecdotalist (more often simply a jokesmith) who, in the interest of widercirculation,preferstohidehisownlightunderanother’sbushel.SamuelJohnsononcedescribedtheprocess:“Pointedaxiomsandacuterepliesflylooseabouttheworld, and are assigned successively to thosewhom itmay be the fashion tocelebrate.” Thus in the nineteenth century a bonmot turning on the contrastbetweenwealthandpovertymightnaturallybecreditedtoaRothschild.

The philosopher ImmanuelKant, listening to a string of anecdotes about afamous personality of the time, remarked, “It seems to me I recall similaranecdotes about other great figures.But that is to be expected.Greatmen arelikehighchurchtowers:aroundboththereisapttobeagreatdealofwind.”Inthis century Churchill, Dorothy Parker, and Samuel Goldwyn became highchurchtowers.

LongbeforethemcameTalleyrand.Heworkedovertime;itwassaidthatheneverfashionedsomanybrilliantmotsduringhislifeashedidafterhisdeath.It

requiresgreatwit toutterpost-mordancies.On theotherhand(theauthority ishisbrother,whomayhavesufferedfromsiblingjealousy),Talleyrandissaidtohave abstracted many of his good things from L’Improvisateur français, acompilationofanecdotesintwenty-oneduodecimovolumes.

WeknowofoneinterestingcaseinwhichTalleyrandcreatedananecdotebyfiat. It has to dowith theBourbonRestoration.On the evening of the day onwhich the Comte d’Ar-tois, later to become King Charles X, entered Paris,Talleyrand asked a group assembled in his drawing room what the Bourbonprince had said. “Nothing at all” was the answer. Talleyrand, not satisfied,ordered a well-known political writer to leave the room and compose anappropriately memorable remark. The writer made three tries, all inadequate.Finallyhereturnedwiththewords:“NothingischangedinFrance;thereisonlyone Frenchman more.” Talleyrand applauded; the Duke of Artois had beenassignedhismot;andanotherfamousanecdotewasaddedto“history.”

It is probable that at least five percent of the items in this book consistedoriginallyofconfectedorcurrentjokesthatwerethenfatheredonnotables.

Thequestionof authenticity arises perhapsmost particularly in the case ofLincolnstories.Herethesource-huntershavebeenbusyandconscientious.Yetquestions remain.Wemay never be able to say of certain Lincoln anecdotes,“Yes, this is authentic,” butwe have tried to avoid the inclusion of toomanydoubtfulitems.Thosedie-hardswhopreferascholarlytrackingdownofLincolnstories are referred to Abe Lincoln Laughing: Humorous Anecdotes fromOriginal Sources by and about Abraham Lincoln, edited by P. M. Zall(UniversityofCaliforniaPress,1982).Thisisafirst-ratejobofscholarship.

Sometimes an anecdotemay be credited to two ormore different persons,thoughitisobviousonlyonecanberesponsible.Thefamousquip“Andifyouweremywife,I’ddrinkit”(WINSTONCHURCHILL7)is(almost)surelythegreatman’s.YetithasalsobeenascribedtoSenatorRobertTaft,whocouldnothavesaid it had the presidency comewith it. The dress designer Edith Head, whoknew Grace Kelly in Hollywood, was, at the time of Miss Kelly’s marriage,asked for anecdotes about theprincess.SaidMissHead, “Gracedoesn’t allowanecdotestohappentoher.”NeitherdidTaft.

Theretort“ThatwilldependonwhetherIembraceyourlordship’smistressor your lordship’s principles” is assigned to various personages, ofwhomwehavechosen JohnWilkes as themost credible.Many suchputdown retorts, inour timeoften attributed toDorothyParker orGrouchoMarx, or others,wereprobablyneveractuallysaidtoanyoneatall.

There are legacy-anecdotes, whose birth lies in the obscure past, but arerediscovered, refurbished, and with each passing generation assigned newpaternities.ItwasDonatuswhoutteredtheclassicalcurse:Pereantquiantenosnostradixerunt! (Aplagueon thosewhosaidourgood thingsbeforewedid!)Doubtlesssomeofthesegoodthings,trulyofancientlineage,haveturnedupinthisbookdressedinmodernclothes.

WHATDOANECDOTESDO?

Chiefly,theyentertain.Theyformaminorgenre,evenatrivialone;theyarenothistory and biography but the decoration on history and biography.Yet,whenmorethanjustgoodjokes,theymayonoccasionperformnontrivialfunctions.

Wemoderns look for the ping of the unexpected, the glint of heterodoxy.Trueenough,theOldandNewTestamentscontainsomeofthegreateststoriesevertold.Yetinonesensetheyarenotanecdotes,andinthiscollectiontheBibleis represented only by SOLOMON 1. The ancient Hebraic temper and theanecdotaltemperdonothavemuchincommon.Thesameappearstobemoreorlesstruewithrespecttoearlyreligiousleadersofotherfaiths.

Classical figures prized their anecdotes as narrative condensations ofgenerallyacknowledgedtruths.ThatthepathsofgloryleadbuttothegravewaspointedoutbyThomasGrayin1751.Butthesoberingtruismwasmorevividlyexpressed by Diogenes in explaining to Alexander the Great why he wasexaminingaheapofhumanbones:“Iamsearchingforthebonesofyourfather,but I cannot distinguish them from those of his slaves.” No great wit here,certainlynoshockofsurprise,yetatellingearlystatementofauniversalinsight.

Itisbysuchlightthatwemustconsidertheanecdotesoftheancients,someofwhosebeardedquipsarehereincollected.Besides,itisinstructivetodiscoverwhatamusedortitillatedourforefathers.Youmayevenfindsomeofthehoaryitemsdiverting.Oneman’schestnutisanotherman’smarronglacé.

From its beginnings the anecdote has acted as a leveling device. Ithumanizes,democratizes,actsasacounterweighttoencomium.Perhapsthatiswhyitflourishesbestincountriesthat,likeBritainandtheUnitedStates,enjoyastrongdemocratictradition.Itmaybringhometoourheartssocialandpoliticalideals that, expressed by politicians, elicit yawns. It may do this through

phrasingofgreatelegance(EDWARDEVERETT1)orofcasual,bitterirony(JACKIEROBINSON1).

Menofhighphilosophicmindhavevaluedtheanecdotelessforitscapacitytodivert,moreforitspowertorevealcharacter.Thisvaluewasfirstclassicallyformulated by Plutarch, quoted by Boswell: “Nor is it always in the mostdistinguished achievements thatmen’s virtues or vicesmay be best discerned;butveryoftenanactionofsmallnote,ashortsaying,orajest,shalldistinguishaperson’s real character more than the greatest sieges, or the most importantbattles.”

From anecdotes, thought Prosper Mérimée, one “can distinguish a truepicture of the customs and characters of any given period.” Nietzsche wasconfident that“threeanecdotesmaysuffice topaintapictureofaman.” IsaacD’Israeli, whoseDissertation on Anecdotes affords a perfect reflection of histime’s anecdotal preferences, thought anecdotes accurate indices to character:“Opinionsarefallible,butnotexamples.”SaysRalphWaldoEmerson:“Ballads,bonsmots,andanecdotesgiveusbetterinsightsintothedepthsofpastcenturiesthan grave and voluminous chronicles.” His contemporary William ElleryChanningagreed:“Oneanecdoteofamanisworthavolumeofbiography.”

Perhaps such claims are excessive. Like statistics, an anecdote, unlessmeasured against the whole record of a life, may be a damned lie. But areasonablenumberofthem,drawnfromdifferentphasesofagivencareer,maygiveusanimperfectyetauthenticsenseofcharacter.Tryreadingthesectionson,letussay,HenryJames,MaxBeerbohm,PabloPicasso,JohannesBrahms,PopeJohnXXIII.Youdon’tgetthewholeman,butyoudolearnsomethingvaluableandgenerallyeasytofixinthememory.Theintimidating,downrightcharacteroftheIronDukeflashesoutatonceinWELLINGTON16.

Beyondthesefunctionsanecdotesmayperformatleastthreeothers.The first is illustrated by such traditional stories as KING ALFRED 1. We

includenomorethanascatteringofthesequasi-legendaryitems,forwedonotpropose tocompetewithsuchmassivecompilationsasBrewer’sDictionaryofPhraseandFable.Butthereareenoughheretosuggestoneofthebook’sminorpurposes.Ourpresent educational systemsees to it thatMacaulay’s schoolboyshouldnotexistinourcountry.Theeditorscannotcreatehim,either,butatleastwe can dig a few hundred historical andbiographical post-holes of traditionalreference,familiarinotherdaystoevery,oratleastMacaulay’s,schoolboy.

Anassiduousreadingofanecdotescan,then,lightupoddcornersofthepastthatweshouldallrecognize.Butitcan,farmorevaluably,shakeusoutofour

quotidianrut,administeraslightandsalutaryshockofsurpriseordelight.Atitsfinest, an anecdote signalizes the intervention of the unexpected. It mounts asmall-scaleassaultonthebanalityofnormalintercourse.

Finally, if onewere asked to name thekind of book thatwithin one set ofcoversmostadequatelyreflectsthesheermultifariousnessofhumanpersonality,itmightwellbeabookofanecdotes.Anawouldnotdo,formuchanaismereinformationnotrevelatoryofcharacter.Abiographicaldictionarywouldnotdoeither,foritseditorsdonothavethespaceorthedesiretosetdownthequirksand oddities of their subjects.But a reasonably ample gathering of anecdotes,drawn frommany timesandclimes,may reconcileus toourhumannaturebyshowingusthat,forallitsfaultsandstupidities,itcanboastadiversitytowhichnootheranimalspeciescanlayclaim.

CliftonFadiman

NOTETOTHEREVISEDEDITION

“PERHAPS FEW AUTHORS ARE WHOLLY ORIGINAL AS FAR AS THEIR PLOTS ARECONCERNED; INDEED SHAKESPEARE SEEMS TO HAVE INVENTED NOTHING, WHILECHAUCERBORROWEDFROMBOTHTHELIVINGANDTHEDEAD.Andtocomedowntoasomewhatdifferentplane,thepresentwriterisevenmorederivative,sinceforthesebookshehasingeneralkeptmostdoggedlytorecordedactions,nourishinghis fancy with logbooks, dispatches, letters, memoirs, and contemporaryreports.” Sowrites PatrickO’Brian in the introduction toTheFar Side of theWorld, thetenthvolumeinhisincomparableAubrey/Maturinseries.Hiswordsmight be applied to this volume,which collects the best, and occasionally thebest-known, anecdotes about a wide range of people— scholars, politicians,crowned heads, sports figures, movie stars, scientists, and the occasionalunknown—throughouthumanhistory.Wehavescouredmanysourcesfor theanecdotesincludedhere,findingtheminbiographies,innewspaperaccounts,inhistories, and in general reference works, among other places. Some havesurfaced in conversation, others in collections, and have been chosen astouchstonesofthegenre.Familiarorunfamiliar—andinevitablymanyoftheseanecdoteswillbeknowntoreaders,astheyshouldbe—theyaimtoamuseandenlighten.

ThisneweditionisarevisedversionofTheLittle,BrownBookofAnecdotes,published in 1985. Some entrieswhich proved of ephemeral interest, or thosewhosemots did not continue to sparkle in the intervening years, have beendropped from this volume. We have added many new people whose quips,situations,ordilemmaswefeelareofsufficientinteresttowarrantinclusion,andwe have also added anecdotes aboutwell-known people of the past that havecome to lightmore recently;QueenVictoria, for instance, orMozart, orYogiBerra.

As thismanuscriptwas beingdelivered to its publisher, itsGeneralEditor,CliftonFadiman,diedat theageofninety-five.Kip,ashewaswidelyknown,collected andwrotemany of the entries contained herein andwas verymuchinvolvedinitsrevision.Perhapsbecausehehada longandmostdistinguishedcareerasananthologist,essayist,andeditor—atSimon&Schuster,atTheNewYorker,andespeciallyattheBook-of-the-MonthClub,whereforoverfiftyyearsheservedon itseditorialboard,and thushelpedshape, inaveryrealway, thereadingtastesandinterestsofthegeneralpublic—oneofhischiefinterestswasgood talk and the sharing of fine, often droll, stories. In conversation hewaswittyandlearned,sharingbitsofhistoryanddiscoverywithanexcitementandaconfidence in the interestsofothers thatmade thedisseminationofhis tales acomplete delight. The anecdotes we have selected reflect his wide familiaritywithmen andwomen of distinction and accomplishment, his fascinationwithrelationships and historical events, and above all his delight in elegant oramusing turnsofphrase.Hisaccumulatedstoreofsuch taleswasunsurpassed,and is offered here in the hopes that the reader will enjoy the reading asthoroughlyasKipdidtherelating.

AndréBernard

Anecdotes

A

AARON,HenryLouis[“Hank”](1934–),USbaseballplayer.HebrokeBabeRuth’shome-runrecord,hitting755inall.

1Duringthe1957WorldSeries,YankeecatcherYogiBerranoticedthatAarongrasped thebat thewrongway.“Turn itaround,”hesaid,“soyoucanseethe trademark.” But Hank kept his eye on the pitcher’s mound: “Didn’tcomeupheretoread.Cameupheretohit.”

2Aaron,whosurpassedBabeRuth’s“unsurpassable”home-runrecordof714homerunsin1974,neversawanyofhisfamoushitsflyingthroughtheair.Whilerunningtofirstbasehealwayslookeddownuntilhetouchedthebag,feelingthat“lookingattheballgoingoverthefenceisn’tgoingtohelp.”

3AskedhowhefeltaboutbreakingRuth’srecord—anachievementthatwasboth admired and somewhat controversial given the great reverence andaffectionRuth inspired even years after his death—Aaron said, “I don’twantthemtoforgetRuth.Ijustwantthemtorememberme!”

4Aaronwasknownas ahitterwho rarely failed, thebaneofpitchers.As apitcheronarivalteamoncesaidofhim,“TryingtosneakapitchpastHankAaronisliketryingtosneakasunrisepastarooster.”

ABERNETHY,John(1764–1831),Britishphysician.

1 A titled gentleman who consulted Abernethy was received by the great

doctorwith the rudeness forwhich hewas notorious. The patient lost histemperandtoldAbernethythathewouldmakehim“eathiswords.”“Itwillbe of no use,” responded Abernethy, “for they will be sure to come upagain.”

2 When Abernethy was canvassing for the post of surgeon to St.Bartholomew’s Hospital, London, he called upon one of the governors, awealthy grocer, in the man’s shop. The grocer loftily remarked that hepresumedAbernethywaswantinghisvoteatthisimportantpointinhislife.Nettledby theman’s toneandattitude,Abernethy retorted,“No, Idon’t; Iwantapennyworthoffigs.Looksharpandwrapthemup.Iwanttobeoff.”

3 “Mrs. J——consultedhim respectinganervousdisorder, theminutiaeofwhich appeared to be so fantastic that Mr. A. interrupted their frivolousdetail by holding out his hand for the fee. A £1 note and a shillingwereplacedintoit;uponwhichhereturnedthelattertohisfairpatient,withtheangryexclamation, ‘There,Ma’am!goandbuyaskippingrope; that isallyouwant.’”

4 Despite his brusqueness with his private patients, Abernethy wasconscientious and kindly toward the poor under his care in the charityhospital.Once as hewas about to leave for the hospital, a private patienttriedtodetainhim.Abernethyobserved,“Privatepatients,iftheydonotlikeme,cangoelsewhere;butthepoordevilsinthehospitalIamboundtotakecareof.”

5 A patient complaining of melancholy consulted Dr. Abernethy. After anexaminationthedoctorpronounced,“Youneedamusement.GoandhearthecomedianGrimaldi;hewillmakeyoulaughandthatwillbebetterforyouthananydrugs.”Saidthepatient,“IamGrimaldi.”

6Abernethywasrenownedforhisdislikeofidlechatter.Withthisinmind,ayoungladyonceenteredhissurgeryand,withoutaword,heldoutaninjuredfinger for examination. The doctor dressed the wound in silence. Thewoman returned a few days later. “Better?” asked Abernethy. “Better,”replied thepatient.Subsequentcallspassed inmuch the samemanner.Onherfinalvisit,thewomanheldoutherfinger,nowfreeofbandages.“Well?”inquired the doctor. “Well,” she replied. “Upon my word, madam,”

exclaimedAbernethy,“youarethemostrationalwomanIhaveevermet.”

ACHESON, Dean [Gooderham] (1893–1971), US statesman and lawyer;secretaryofstate(1949–53).

1Onleavinghispostassecretaryofstate,Achesonwasaskedabouthisplansforthefuture.Hereplied,“Iwillundoubtedlyhavetoseekwhatishappilyknown as gainful employment, which I am glad to say does not describeholdingpublicoffice.”

2InApril1963WinstonChurchillwasmadeanhonorarycitizenoftheUnitedStates.At the ceremony in theWhiteHouse, his letter of acceptancewasreadbyhissonRandolph,ashehimselfwastoofrailtoattend.ItcontainedapassagerejectingtheideathatBritainhadonlya“tameandminor”roletoplayontheinternationalscene.DeanAchesonrecognizedthisasanobliqueallusiontohisownfamousandgreatlyresentedremarkthatBritainhadlostanempireandfailedtofindanewrole.“Well,ithasn’ttakenWinstonlongtoget used toAmericanways,” commentedAcheson. “Hehadn’t been anAmerican citizen for three minutes before he began attacking an ex-secretaryofstate.”

3AratherflusteredelderlyladyonceaccostedAchesoninaWashingtonhotel.“Pardonme,”shesaid,“Iamsomewhatembarrassed.MyzipperhasstuckandIamdueatameeting.Couldyoupleasehelpmeout?”As thezipperwas firmlystuckhalfwaydownherback,Achesonwasobliged toundo itcompletely,avertinghiseyesasbesthecould,beforepullingitbackuptothetop.Theladythankedhimprofusely.“IthinkthatIshouldtellyou,”sheadded, “that I am vice president of the Daughters of the AmericanRevolution.”“My dear lady,” replied Acheson, “what a moment ago was a rare

privilegenowappearstohavebeenareallygreathonor.”

ACTON, Harold (1904–97), British author whose works include poetry,histories,memoirs,andnovels.

1 “One summer afternoon Acton, then a celebrated undergraduate poet atOxford,wasaskedtoperformataConservativeGardenFete.Hedecidedhecoulddonobetterthanrecite[T.S.Eliot’s]TheWasteLandfrombeginningtoend.Hisaudience’sgoodmannerswereseverelytested,asthisdirgeforagodless civilization, delivered in Harold Acton’s rich, resounding voice,swept irresistibly above their heads; and one or two old ladies,whowerealarmed and horrified but thought that the reciter had such a ‘nice, kindface,’ rather thanhurt theyoungman’s feelingsbygettingup and leavingopenly,wereobligedtosinktotheirkneesandcreepawayonallfours.”

ADAMS,AlexanderAnnan(1908–),Britishaircommander.

1 At the end of the Battle of Britain, Adams was driving to a meeting atFighter Command Headquarters when he came upon a sign: ROADCLOSED—UNEXPLODEDBOMB.Adamscalledoverthepolicemanonduty, hoping hemight be able to suggest an alternative route. “Sorry,youcan’tgothrough,”saidthepolicemanasheapproachedthecar.“Thebombis likely to go off at anyminute now.” Then he caught sight of Adams’suniform. “I’m very sorry, sir,” he said, “I didn’t know you were a wingcommander.Itisquiteallrightforyoutogothrough.”

ADAMS, Ansel (1902–84),US landscape photographer (particularly of themountainousWest)andconservationist.

1DuringhisearlyyearsAdamsstudiedthepianoandshowedmarkedtalent.At one party (he recalls it as“very liquid”) he played Chopin’s FMajorNocturne.“InsomestrangewaymyrighthandstartedoffinF-sharpmajorwhilemylefthandbehavedwellinFmajor.Icouldnotbringthemtogether.Iwentthroughtheentirenocturnewiththehandsseparatedbyahalf-step.”Thenext day a fellowguest complimentedhimonhis performance. “Younevermissedawrongnote!”

ADAMS, Franklin Pierce (1881–1960),US journalist, writer of light verse,andwit.

1Adamsbelongedtoapokerclubthatincludedamongitsmembersanactorcalled Herbert Ransom. Whenever Ransom held a good hand, his facialexpressionwassotransparentthatAdamsproposedanewrulefortheclub:“AnyonewholooksatRansom’sfaceischeating.”

2Adams accompaniedBeatriceKaufman (wife of the playwrightGeorgeS.Kaufman) to a cocktail partywhere, feeling a little out of things, she satdown on a cane-seated chair. The seat suddenly broke, leaving Beatriceimmobilizedinsidetheframe,legsintheair.Asashockedsilencegrippedthe party, Adams said severely, “I’ve told you a hundred times, Beatrice,that’snotfunny.”

3 “Whose birthday is it today?” Adams once asked Beatrice Kaufman.“Yours?”sheguessed.“No,butyou’regettingwarm,”repliedAdams.“It’sShakespeare’s.”

4AlexanderWoollcotthadbeenaskedtosignafirst-editioncopyofhisbookShoutsandMurmurs.“Ah,whatissorareasaWoollcottfirstedition?”hesighedashewrote.“AWoollcottsecondedition,”repliedAdams.

5AfriendwasrecountingtoAdamsanapparentlyinterminabletale.Hefinallysaid:“Well,tocutalongstoryshort—”“Toolate,”interruptedAdams.

ADAMS,Henry(1838–1918),USdiplomatandwriterknownparticularlyforhisautobiography,TheEducationofHenryAdams.

1AdamswasveryfondofhisteenagenieceGabrielle.Duringonevisit,theysat together in the libraryafterdinnerasUncleHenrybegan tospeak.Hismonologue was extraordinary, and ranged over the cosmos, the nature ofGodandman,andhisownhopesanddisappointments.Fora longtimehetalked, thenbrokeoffandsatquietly foramoment. “Doyouknowwhy Ihave told you all this?” he asked her. “It is because you would not

understandawordofitandyouwillneverquoteme.”

ADAMS,John(1735–1826),USstatesman,2dPresidentoftheUnitedStates(1797–1801).

1 Adams loathed being vice president; even in those early days of theRepublic, the job was ill defined and not much respected. Of his role asWashington’s secondarypartner, hewrote, “Mycountryhas in itswisdomcontrivedformethemostinsignificantofficethatevertheinventionofmancontrivedorhisimaginationconceived.”

2During his presidencyAdams’s grand style,which contrasted unfavorablywith the simpler dignity of the Washington regime, made him manyenemies.AscandalousstorycirculatedthathehadsentGeneralCharlesC.Pinckney to Britain to select four pretty girls as mistresses, two for thegeneral and two for himself.When this slander came toAdams’s ears, hewrote complainingly to a friend, “I do declare, if this be true, GeneralPinckneyhaskeptthemallforhimselfandcheatedmeoutofmytwo.”

3Adamsreceivedaletterfromhiswife,Abigail,thatwashighlycriticaloftheimpendingmarriage of a young lady she knew to amuch olderman. Shecalledittheunionof“theTorridandtheFrigidZones.”Adamsimmediatelywroteback,saying,“HowdareyouhintorlistawordaboutFiftyYearsofAge?IfIwerenear,IwouldsoonconvinceyouthatIamnotaboveForty.”

4 Although failing fast, Adams was determined to survive until the fiftiethanniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence— July 4,1826.Atdawnonthatdayhewasawakenedbyhisservant,whoaskedifheknewwhatdayitwas.Hereplied,“Oh,yes,itisthegloriousfourthofJuly.God bless it. God bless you all.” He then slipped into a coma. In theafternoonherecoveredconsciousnessbrieflytomurmur,“ThomasJeffersonlives.”Thesewerehis lastwords.Unknowntohim,ThomasJeffersonhaddiedthatsameday.

ADAMS, John Quincy (1767–1848), US statesman, 6th President of theUnitedStates (1825–29).From1831 to his deathhe served in theHouse ofRepresentatives.

1 JohnQuincyAdams, an enthusiastic swimmer, used to bathenaked in thePotomacbeforestartingtheday’swork.ThenewspaperwomanAnneRoyallhad been trying forweeks to get an interviewwith the President and hadalwaysbeenturnedaway.Onemorningshetrackedhimtotheriverbankandafterhehadgotintothewaterstationedherselfonhisclothes.WhenAdamsreturnedfromhisswim,hefoundaverydeterminedladyawaitinghim.Sheintroducedherselfandstatedhererrand.“Letmegetoutanddress,”pleadedthePresident,“andIswearyoushallhaveyourinterview.”AnneRoyallwasadamant;shewasn’tmovinguntil shehad thePresident’scommenton thequestions shewished to put to him. If he attempted to get out, shewouldscreamloudenoughtoreachtheearsofsomefishermenonthenextbend.She got her interview while Adams remained decently submerged in thewater.

2In1846JohnQuincyAdamssufferedastrokeand,althoughhereturnedtoCongressthefollowingyear,hishealthwasclearlyfailing.DanielWebsterdescribedhislastmeetingwithAdams:“Someone,afriendofhis,cameinand made particular inquiry of his health. Adams answered, ‘I inhabit aweak,frail,decayedtenement;batteredbythewindsandbrokeninuponbythestorms,and,fromallIcanlearn,thelandlorddoesnotintendtorepair.’”

3 One wintry day in 1848 Adams was busy writing at his desk when theSpeakeroftheHouserosetoaskaquestion.Adamsrosetoanswer,thenfellintothearmsofhisneighboringmember.HewascarriedintotheSpeaker’schamber,where he spent the next two days in a semiconscious state. Hisfinalwordswere,“ThisisthelastofEarth.Iamcontent.”

ADDAMS, Jane (1860–1935), US social reformer. A supporter of racialequality,femalesuffrage,andpacifism,shesharedthe1931NobelPeacePrizewiththeeducatorNicholasMurrayButler.

1In1900theDaughtersoftheAmericanRevolutionelectedJaneAddamsto

honorarymembership.However,herantiwarstanceduringWorldWarIandherinsistencethatevensubversiveshadarighttotrialbydueprocessoflawcausedthemtoexpelher.Shecommentedthatshehadthoughtherelectionwasforlife,butnowknewitwasforgoodbehavior.

ADDISON,Joseph(1672–1719),Britishwriterandpolitician.

1Addison’snaturaldiffidencemadehimanineffectiveparliamentarydebater.Ononeoccasionhebegan,“Mr.Speaker,Iconceive—Iconceive,sir—sir,Iconceive—”Atthispointhewasinterruptedbyavoicesaying,“Therighthonorablesecretaryofstatehasconceivedthriceandbroughtforthnothing.”

2 TheDuke ofWharton, hoping to animateAddison intowit, plied him sogenerouslywithwinethatthewriterwastakenill.Thedukeobservedwithdisgustthathecould“getwinebutnotwitoutofhim.”

3 A friend of Addison’s with whom he was accustomed to have longdiscussions on topics of mutual interest borrowed some money from theauthor.SoonafterwardAddisonnoticedachangeinhisbehavior;beforetheloan the two friends had disagreed on a number of subjects, but now theborrower fell in with every line that Addison himself adopted. One daywhen theywere talkingonapointonwhichAddisonknewhis friendhadpreviously held an opposite view to his own, he exclaimed, “Eithercontradictme,sir,orpaymemymoney!”

ADE,George(1866–1944),UShumoristandplaywright.

1 Following a well-received after-dinner speech by George Ade, a notedlawyerrosetospeak.Hishandsburieddeepinthepocketsofhistrousers,hebegan:“Doesn’titstrikethecompanyasalittleunusualthataprofessionalhumoristshouldbefunny?”Adewaitedforthelaughtertodiedownbeforereplying: “Doesn’t it strike the company as a little unusual that a lawyershouldhavehishandsinhisownpockets?”

ADEE,AlveyAugustus(1842–1924),USdiplomat.

1WhenAdeewasaskedbyPresidentMcKinleythebestwaytosaynotosixEuropeanambassadorswhowere coming to seehim to try topreventwaragainstSpain,hewroteonthebackofanenvelope:“TheGovernmentoftheUnitedStatesappreciatesthehumanitariananddisinterestedcharacterofthecommunicationnowmadeonbehalfofthepowersnamed,andforitspartisconfident that equal appreciation will be shown for its own earnest andunselfish endeavors to fulfill aduty tohumanityby ending a situation theindefiniteprolongationofwhichhasbecomeinsufferable.”ThePresidentreadthismessageverbatimtotheambassadors.

ADENAUER,Konrad (1876–1967),German statesman and first chancelloroftheFederalRepublic(1949–63).

1EssentiallyaRhinelander,AdenauerneverlikedortrustedthePrussiansandhis compatriots in eastern Germany. In the interwar period he usedfrequently to have to go by train to Berlin. It is said that every time hecrossed the River Elbe on this journey he would frown and mutter tohimself,“NowweenterAsia.”

2 Adenauer received many marriage proposals in his mail when he waschancellor,evenafterhebecameanoctogenarian.Whentheywerebroughtto his notice he used to tell his secretary patiently: “Put them in thenonaggressionpactfile.”

3 When Adenauer, still chancellor, was approaching the age of ninety, hesuccumbed to a heavy cold.His personal physician, unable to be of verymuchhelp,hadtoputupwithAdenauer’simpatience.“I’mnotamagician,”protestedtheharasseddoctor.“Ican’tmakeyouyoungagain.”“Ihaven’taskedyouto,”retortedthechancellor.“AllIwantistogoon

gettingolder.”

ADLER,Hermann(1839–1911),Britishrabbi(chiefrabbiofLondon).

1Adler foundhimself sittingbesideHerbertCardinalVaughanat anofficialluncheon.“Now,Dr.Adler,”said thecardinalmischievously,“whenmayIhavethepleasureofhelpingyoutosomeham?”“AtYourEminence’swedding,”camethepromptreply.

AESCHYLUS(525–456BC),Greekpoet.SomeofhistragediesaretheearliestcompleteplayssurvivingfromancientGreece.

1AeschylusdiedandwasburiedatGelainSicily.Ancientbiographiesrecordthe tradition thathisdeathcameaboutwhenaneagle,whichhadseizedatortoiseandwaslookingtosmashthereptile’sshell,mistookthepoet’sbaldheadforastoneanddroppedthetortoiseuponhim.

AGASSIZ, Jean Louis Rodolphe (1807–73), Swiss naturalist andpaleontologist.

1 An emissary from a learned society came to inviteAgassiz to address itsmembers.Agassizrefusedonthegrounds that lecturesof thissort tookuptoo much time that should be devoted to research and writing. The manpersisted, saying that theywere prepared to pay handsomely for the talk.“That’snoinducementtome,”Agassizreplied.“Ican’taffordtowastemytimemakingmoney.”

AGRIPPINA(AD15–59),motherofEmperorNerobyherfirsthusband.Herthirdmarriagewastoheruncle,EmperorClaudius,whomshelaterpoisoned.

1 Agrippina was consumed by her ambition to place her son Nero on theimperial throne. She consulted the soothsayers, who told her, “Nero willreign,buthewillkillhismother.”“Lethimkillme,then,”saidAgrippina.

2Agrippinaproved less easy to eliminate thanNeroexpected.According toSuetonius, he tried poison three times (she had taken the antidotebeforehand),acollapsibleceilinginherbedchamber(someonewarnedher),andanunseaworthyboat (sheswamtosafety).Finallyhesentacenturionwithorderstokillher.Thecenturionstruckherfirstonthehead,ashehadbeen ordered, but she bared her breasts, crying out, “Strike rather these,whichhavenurturedsogreatamonsterasNero.”

AIDAN,Saint(d.651),IrishmonkwhobecamebishopofNorthumbria(635)andfoundedthemonasteryatLindisfarne.

1KingOswin, ruler of the formerBritish province ofDeira and a friend ofAidan’s,gave thebishopafinehorse.SoonafterwardBishopAidanmetabeggarwhoaskedhimforalms;heatoncedismountedandgavethehorse,with all its costly trappings, to the poor man. When this charitable deedcametotheking’sears,hetaxedAidan:“Whydidyougiveawaythehorsethatwespeciallychose foryourpersonalusewhenweknew thatyouhadneed of one for your journeys? We have many less valuable horses thatwould have been suitable for beggars.” Replied Aidan, “Is this foal of amaremorevaluabletoyouthanachildofGod?”Thekingpondered,then,suddenly casting his sword aside, knelt at Aidan’s feet and begged hisforgiveness.Aidan,greatlymoved,beggedthekingtogotohisdinnerandbemerry.AsAidanwatched the king go, he became verymelancholy.When the

bishop’schaplainaskedwhy,Aidanreplied,“Iknowthatthekingwillnotlivelong,forIhaveneverseenakingsohumbleasheis.Hewillbetakenfromusasthecountryisnotworthytohavesuchaking.”Theforebodingwasprovedcorrect:KingOswinwastreacherouslykilled

byhisnorthernneighbor,KingOswy.

ALBEMARLE,WilliamAnneKeppel,2dEarlof(1702–54),Britishsoldierandambassador.

1 Sent as plenipotentiary to Paris in 1748, Albemarle took with him his

mistressLolotteGaucher,anactressdescribedbycontemporariesascunningand rapacious.Oneevening, seeinghergazingpensivelyata star, theearlremarked,“It’snogood,mydear,Ican’tbuyitforyou.”

ALBERT, Prince (1819–61), prince consort of Great Britain; husband ofQueenVictoria.

1PrinceAlberthadachronicinabilitytostayawakelateatnight.AtaconcertgivenatBuckinghamPalaceandattendedbyvariousdistinguishedguests,Queen Victoria noticed that her husband was asleep. Half-smiling, half-vexed, sheproddedhimwithher elbow.Hewokeup, nodded approval ofthe piece beingperformed, and fell asleep again, still nodding.Thequeenhad towake him up all over again.A guest at the concert reported, “Thequeenwascharmed,andcousinAlbertlookedbeautiful,andsleptquietlyasusual.”

2ApictureatBalmoralportrayedalltheroyalchildrenandvariousbirdsandanimals. Someone asked which was Princess Helena. “There, with thekingfisher,”saidAlbert,adding,“averyproperbirdforaprincess.”

ALBERT,Eugèned’(1864–1932),Germanpianistandcomposer.

1D’Albertwasmarriedsixtimes.Ataneveningreceptionwhichheattendedwith his fifthwife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to afriendwho said politely, “Congratulations,Herr d’Albert; you have rarelyintroducedmetosocharmingawife.”

ALCIBIADES(c.450–404BC),Greekgeneralandpolitician.

1Alcibiadeswas tellingPericles, forty years his senior, howbest to governAthens. This did not amuse Pericles. “Alcibiades,” he said, “when I wasyourage,Italkedjustasyoudonow.”

“How I should like to have known you, Pericles,” replied Alcibiades,“whenyouwereatyourbest.”

ALCOTT, [Amos]Bronson (1799–1888),US educator andwriter, father ofthewriterLouisaMayAlcott.

1TheAlcott family financeswerevery low,but theyplacedgreat hopesonBronson Alcott’s latest lecture tour. When he arrived home one night inFebruary, the familygatheredaround towelcomehim,offerhim foodanddrink,andrejoice inhishomecoming.Thena little silence fell, and itwasdaughter May who asked the question in all their minds: “Did they payyou?” Slowly Bronson Alcott drew out his pocketbook and displayed itscontents—asingledollar.“AnotheryearIshalldobetter,”hesaid.Therewas a stunned hush in the group around him.ThenMrs.Alcott flung herarmsaroundhisneckandsaidstoutly,“Icallthatdoingverywell.”

ALCOTT, Louisa May (1832–88), US novelist, author of Little Women(1869).

1WhenLouisaAlcottbecameacelebrity,sheoftenfoundherfametiresome.A supporter of the fight forwomen’s suffrage, she attended theWomen’sCongress inSyracuse,where shewas accostedby an effusive admirer. “IfyouevercometoOshkosh,”saidthelady,“yourfeetwillnotbeallowedtotouch the ground: you will be borne in the arms of the people.Will youcome?”“Never,”repliedMissAlcott.

ALEMBERT,JeanleRondd’(1717–83),Frenchmathematician.

1 The illegitimate son of an aristocrat, d’Alembert was abandoned by hismothersoonafterhisbirthandwasbroughtupbyaglaziernamedRousseauandhiswife.Whend’Alembert’s extraordinary talentsbecameknown,his

mother attempted to claim him. D’Alembert rejected her, saying, “Mymotheristhewifeoftheglazier.”

ALENÇON,Sophie-Charlotte,Duchessed’(d.1897),Bavarian-bornduchesswhomarriedtheDucd’Alençonin1868.

1OnMay4,1897, theduchesswaspresidingovera charitybazaar inPariswhen the hall accidentally caught fire. Flames spread to the paperdecorationsandflimsywallsoftheboothsandinsecondstheplacewasaninferno.Inthehideouspanicthatfollowed,manywomenandchildrenweretrampled as they rushed for the exits, while workmen from a nearby siteperformedincredibleactsofheroism,rushingintotheblazetocarryoutthetrapped women. Some rescuers reached the duchess, who had remainedcalmlyseatedbehindherbooth.“Becauseofmytitle,Iwasthefirsttoenterhere.Ishallbethelasttogoout,”shesaid,rejectingtheirofferofhelp.Shestayed andwasburned to death, alongwithmore than120others,mainlywomenandchildren.

ALEXANDER,SirGeorge(1858–1919),Britishactor.

1“Onthefirstnightof thatunfortunateplay[HenryJames’s]GuyDomville,producedbyGeorgeAlexander,itwassoonevidentfromtheattitudeofthegallerythattheplaywasnotgoingtobeasuccess,butthesealoffailurewassetonitwhenSirGeorgeutteredtheline,‘IamthelastoftheDomvilles.’Scarcely were the words out of his mouth than a voice came from thegallery,‘Wellatanyrate,that’sacomforttoknow.’”

ALEXANDER,GroverCleveland(1887–1950),USbaseballpitcher.

1Althoughhebecameanalcoholicduringhis twenty-yearcareer,Alexanderremained one of the best pitchers until the end. At thirty-five he pitchedsuperblyintheWorldSeriesof1926betweenhisSt.LouisCardinalsandthe

NewYorkYankees.Afterwinning thefullsixthgameof thebest-of-sevenset and tying the series at three games each, Alexander spent that nightcelebrating.Sincepitchersusuallyrestedthreedaysbetweenstarts,hewentouttothebullpennextday,withthereliefpitchers,andsnoozedawaythefinalgameuntilhewas,surprisingly,summonedtopitchtheseventhofthenine innings. There were three men on base, one out needed to end theinning, and a one-run lead. Alexander faced the feared Tony Lazzeri andstruck him out, ending the inning to the cheers of the crowd. He thenstoppedtheYankeesintheirlasttwoinningstowinthegameandgivehisteamthetitle.AfterwardAlexanderwasaskedhowhe felt. “I feel fine,”he said. “It’s

Lazzeri you should ask how he feels,” and added, “I owe it all to cleanliving.”Andhewentoutandgotdrunk.

ALEXANDER,Harold, 1stEarl [AlexanderofTunis] (1891–1969),Britishfieldmarshal.

1Alexander’sassistantoncecommentedonhishabitof tipping intohisOuttray any letters remaining in his In tray at the end of the working day.“Excuseme,sir,”heasked.“Whydoyoudothat?”“Itsavestime,”explainedAlexander.“You’dbesurprisedhowlittleofit

comesback.”

ALEXANDER, Samuel (1859–1938), Australian-born philosopher anduniversityprofessorwholivedmostofhislifeinEngland.

1 The professor of philosophy on his beloved bicycle was a familiar sightaroundManchester.OnoneoccasionherodeovertoLiverpooltodineandspendthenightatthehouseofawealthyshipowner.Thehost’svaletnoticedthat theprofessorhadarrivedwithout luggageand reported the fact tohisemployer, who courteously said that he would not dress for dinner thatevening.Healsoinstructedthevalettoputoutasparepairofpajamasintheprofessor’s room. A short time later, however, the valet rushed into hismaster’s dressing room with the message: “I have just seen Professor

Alexander going downstairs and he’s wearing a dinner jacket.” The hostmade a rapid change. The followingmorning the valet returned the sparepajamas,unused,tohismaster,remarking:“Theprofessorhadhisown,afterall.”Curiosity finallyovercame theshipowner.Ashewasseeinghisguestoffonhisbicycle,heasked,“Doyounothaveanyluggage?”“I’mwearingit,”repliedtheprofessor.

ALEXANDERI(1777–1825),czarofRussia(1801–25).

1 Theway forAlexander’s accession to the thronewas cleared through themurder of his savage, megalomaniac father, Czar Paul I, by a group ofaristocraticconspirators.Thusintwogenerationshistoryrepeateditself,forAlexander’sgrandmother,Catherine theGreat,hadconnivedat themurderofherhusband,PeterIII,inordertoseizepowerherselflessthanfortyyearsbefore. The youthful archduke had had prior warning of the plot againstCzar Paul, but had preferred to think that the conspirators’ intention wasmerely to depose and imprison his father.When news of themurderwasbroughttohim,healmostcollapsedwithhorror.Thisincidenthauntedhimfortheremainderofhislife,butthestrongestproofofhiscomplicitywasinhis treatmentof theconspirators; theyall continued inhis favorand somebecame his closest counselors. A French spy, the Countess de Bonneuil,reportedtohermasterFouchéonthesituationinSt.Petersburg:“Theyoungemperorgoesaboutprecededbythemurderersofhisgrandfather,followedbythemurderersofhisfather,quitesurroundedbyhisfriends.”

2WhenAlexanderwasinParis,followingthedefeatofNapoleon,heattendedanniversary celebrations at one of the hospitals. The ladies who hadorganized the affair passed plates around for contributions. An extremelyprettygirlwasdelegatedtotakeaplatetotheczar.Alexanderdroppedinahandfulofgoldandwhispered,“That’sforyourbeautifulbrighteyes.”Theyoung lady curtsied and immediately presented the plate again. “What?More?”saidtheczar.“Yes,sire,”shereplied,“nowIwantsomethingforthepoor.”

3 The czar heard of a new invention, a calculating machine, that couldapparently work faster than any person. He summoned the inventor,

AbrahamStern, tohiscourt todemonstrate thedevice.After inspecting it,Alexander challengedStern to an arithmetic contest.A prearranged list ofcalculations was read out, and both Stern and the czar, who worked thenumbers with a quill pen, set to. As Alexander was completing the firstcalculation,Stern announced that hismachine had finished.The czar readovertheresults,lookedatSternandhismachine,thensaidtohisattendant,“Themachineisgood,buttheJewisbad.”

ALEXANDER III [Alexander the Great] (356–323 BC), king of Macedon(336–323).

1Gossip surrounded thebirthofAlexander.Doubtas towhetherPhilipwasreallyhisfatherlaterallowedAlexandertodeclarethathewasagodandthesonofJupiter.Alexander’smother,Olympias,preferredtoleavethematterobscure. When news was brought to her of Alexander’s claim to divinepaternity, she said, “Please — I don’t want to get into any trouble withJuno.”

2AThessalianbroughtanexceptionallybeautifulhorse,namedBucephalus,to theMacedoniancourt,offeringtosell it toKingPhilip.However,whenthe royal grooms tried to test its paces, it provedwild andunmanageable.TheyoungAlexanderaskedhisfatherforpermissiontotryhisskill.Philipreluctantlyagreed,sayingthatiftheprincefailedtorideBucephalushewastopayhisfatheraforfeitequaltoitsprice.Alexanderwalkedquicklytothehorse’sheadand turned it to face into the sun, forhehadnoticed that thehorse’s own shadowwas upsetting it. He calmed it, thenmounted it, andBucephalusobedientlyshowedoffhispaces.The court, which had feared for the prince’s safety, broke into loud

applause. Philipwas overjoyed. He kissed his son, saying, “Seek anotherkingdom thatmaybeworthyofyour abilities, forMacedonia is too smallforyou.”

3Alexander,settingoutonhisconquestofAsia,inquiredintothefinancesofhisfollowers.Toensurethattheyshouldnotbetroubledoverthewelfareoftheir dependents during their absence, he distributed crown estates andrevenues among them.When he had thus disposed of nearly all the royal

resources, his friend General Perdiccas asked Alexander what he hadreserved for himself. “Hope,” answered the king. “In that case,” saidPerdiccas,“wewhoshareinyourlaborswillalsotakepartinyourhopes.”Thereuponhe refused the estate allocated to him, and several other of theking’sfriendsdidthesame.

4AtGordiuminPhrygia(AsiaMinor)achariotwasfastenedwithcordsmadefromthebarkofacorneltree.Theknotwassocunninglytiedthatnoendswerevisible,andthetraditionwasthattheempireoftheworldshouldfalltothe man who could untie it. When Alexander conquered Gordium, heconfrontedthefamouspuzzle.Unabletountietheknot,hedrewhisswordandwithoneslashseveredit.{Hencethephrase“cuttheGordianknot”forfindingaquickanddrastic

solutiontoanintricateproblem.}

5 On his march through Asia Minor, Alexander fell dangerously ill. Hisphysicians were afraid to treat him because if they did not succeed, theMacedonianarmywouldsuspectthemofmalpractice.Onlyone,PhiliptheAcarnanian,waswilling to take the risk, ashehadconfidence inboth theking’sfriendshipandhisowndrugs.Whilethemedicinewasbeingprepared,Alexanderreceivedaletterfrom

anenemyofPhilip’sthataccusedthephysicianofhavingbeenbribedbythePersianking to poisonhismaster.Alexander read the letter and slipped itunderhispillowwithoutshowingittoanyone.WhenPhilipenteredthetentwith the medicine, Alexander took the cup from him, at the same timehanding Philip the letter. While the physician was reading it, Alexandercalmly drank the contents of the cup. Horrified and indignant at thecalumny, Philip threw himself down at the king’s bedside, but Alexanderassuredhimthathehadcompleteconfidenceinhishonor.Afterthreedaysthekingwaswellenoughtoappearagainbeforehisarmy.

6AfterAlexanderhadconqueredEgypt,thePersianking,Darius,sentaletterofferinggeneroustermsforpeaceandfuturefriendshipwiththeMacedonianking: 10,000 talents to be paid in ransom for Persian prisoners, all thecountries west of the Euphrates to be ceded to Alexander, and Darius’sdaughter to be given to him inmarriage. Alexander consulted his friendsabout how he should respond. His general Parmenion said, “If I wereAlexander,Iwouldaccepttheseoffers.”

“SowouldI,”retortedAlexander,“ifIwereParmenion.”

7Thecaptured IndiankingPoruswasbroughtbeforeAlexander,whoaskedhowhewishedtobetreated.“Likeaking,”wasthereply.Alexanderaskedifhehadanythingelsetorequest.“Nothing,”saidPorus,“foreverythingiscomprehendedintheword‘king.’”AlexanderrestoredPorus’slandstohim.

8Alexander’sfinalcommandbeforeacertainbattlewasthatthebeardsofhissoldiersshouldbeshavedoff.“Thereisnothinglikeabeardtogetholdofinafight,”heexplained.

9AlexandertheGreatwasmarchingacrossthedesertwithathirstyarmy.Asoldiercameuptohim,kneltdown,andofferedhimahelmetfullofwater.“Isthereenoughfortenthousandmen?”askedAlexander.Whenthesoldiershookhishead,Alexanderpouredthewateroutontheground.

ALEXANDERVI (c. 1431–1503),pope (1492–1503)who used his office toadvance the prospects of his illegitimate children, especially his son CesareBorgia.

1AlexanderVI’s illegitimate daughterLucreziawasmarried in 1502 to herthirdhusband,Alfonsod’Este,sonandheiroftheDukeofFerrara.Notlongafter the marriage the Ferrarese envoy to the papal court reassured PopeAlexanderthatallwaswellwiththenewlyweds;Alfonso,hereported,madelove to Lucrezia nightly. Alfonso, the envoy added, also made love withequal regularity tootherwomenduring theday,but thatwasunimportant.“Well,heisyoung,”saidthepope,“andthatishowitshouldbe.”

ALEXANDRA(1844–1925),Danishprincesswhoin1863marriedthePrinceofWales(laterKingEdwardVIIofGreatBritain).

1OnMay10,1910,KingEdwardVIIdied.Atfirst,ashelayonhisdeathbed,hislong-sufferingqueen,whohadturnedablindeyetohisinfidelitiesandhispursuitofhispleasuresineveryfashionableresortontheContinent,was

strickenwithgrief.Butitwasnotlongbeforehersenseofhumorreasserteditself.SheremarkedtoLordEsher,“NowatleastIknowwhereheis.”

ALFONSOX (c. 1221–84), king of Castile and León (1252–84), known asAlfonsotheWise.

1Themost celebratedof theworksundertakenunderAlfonso’s sponsorshipwasthecompilationofthe“AlfonsineTables,”whichwerepublishedontheday of his accession to the throne and remained the most authoritativeplanetary tables in existence for the following three centuries. Thepreparationofthetableswasverylaboriousandwasbased,ofcourse,uponthe Ptolemaic scheme of the universe. Alfonso remarked that if God hadconsultedhimduringthesixdaysofcreation,hewouldhaverecommendedalesscomplicateddesign.

ALFONSOXIII(1886–1941),kingofSpain(1886–1931).

1Onewould-beassassinleapedsuddenlyinfrontoftheking’shorseashewasridingbackfromaparadeandpointedarevolverathimfrombarelyayardaway. “Polo comes in very handy on these occasions,” said Alfonsoafterward. “I setmy horse’s head straight at him and rode into him as hefired.”

ALFRED[AlfredtheGreat](849–899),kingofWessex.

1 At one time during his wars with the Danes, Alfred was forced to seekrefuge incognito in a hut belonging to a poor Anglo-Saxon family. Thewomanofthehouse,whohadtoleaveforashorttime,askedthefugitivetokeepaneyeonsomecakesshewasbaking.Alfred,deepinthought,didnotnoticethatthecakeswereburning.Whenhishostessreturned,shegavetheunrecognizedkingaheartyscoldingforbeinganidlegood-for-nothing.

2As a young boyAlfred received little formal schooling.He did possess ahighlyretentivememoryandparticularlyenjoyedlisteningtothecourtbardsrecitingpoetry.Onedayhismother,holdingafinemanuscriptbookinherhand, said to Alfred and his elder brothers, “I will give this book towhichever one of you can learn it most quickly.” Although he could notread,Alfredwasgreatlyattractedtothebookandwasdeterminedtoownit.Forestallinghisbrothers,hetookittosomeonewhoreaditthroughtohim.Thenhewentbacktohismotherandrepeatedthewholethingtoher.Thistalentwas thefoundationofAlfred’s later reputationas scholar, translator,andpatronoflearning.

ALGREN, Nelson (1909–81),US writer known especially for his NationalBookAward-winningnovel,TheManwiththeGoldenArm.

1Algren’scareerinHollywoodwasshortlived.Ashedescribedit,“Iwentoutthere for a thousand a week, and I worked Monday and I got firedWednesday.ThemanwhohiredmewasoutoftownTuesday.”

ALI, Muhammad (1942–), US boxer, Olympic gold medalist, and worldheavyweight champion (1964–71,1974–78,1978–80).BornCassiusClay,heconvertedtoIslam.

1 InthefightfilmRockyII,acharacterapparentlybasedonMuhammadAlitauntstheherowiththewords“I’lldestroyyou.Iamthemasterofdisaster.”After seeing a private screening of the film, Ali wistfully remarked,“‘Masterofdisaster’:IwishI’dthoughtofthat!”

2 Just before takeoff on an airplane flight, the stewardess reminded Ali tofasten his seat belt. “Superman don’t need no seat belt,” replied Ali.“Superman don’t need no airplane, either,” retorted the stewardess. Alifastenedhisbelt.

3 IrritatedbyAli’sperpetualboastsof“Iamthegreatest,”acolleagueaskedtheboxerwhathewaslikeatgolf.“I’mthebest,”repliedAli.“Ijusthaven’t

playedyet.”

4AtaNewYorkparty,violinistIsaacSternwasintroducedtoAli.“Youmightsaywe’re in the same business,” remarked Stern. “We both earn a livingwithourhands.”“Youmustbeprettygood,”saidAli.“Thereisn’tamarkonyou.”

5Aliwentintohisnow-legendaryfightwithSonnyListonin1964,thefightthatsecuredhistitleasheavyweightchampion,asaseven-to-oneunderdog.Hewasseenasmoreofaclownintheringthanatruefighter.Sportswritersallagreed thathecouldn’t fightaswellashecould talk.But fighthedid,andherepeatedhisvictoryin1965intheirsecondtitlebout.AsListonlayonthemat,Alistoodoverhimwithhisfistclenched,yelling,“Getupandfight,sucker!”

6AyoungpersononceaskedAliwhatheshoulddowithhislife.Hecouldnotdecidewhethertocontinuehiseducationorgooutintotheworldtoseekhisfortune.“Stayincollege,gettheknowledge,”advisedAli.“Iftheycanmakepenicillinoutofmoldybread,theycanmakesomethingoutofyou!”

ALLAIS,Alphonse(1854–1905),Frenchhumorist,writer,anddramatist.

1 In Alphonse Allais’s library was a volume of Voltaire in which he hadinscribed: “To Alphonse Allais, with regrets for not having known him.Voltaire.”

2Askedtodeliveralectureonthesubjectofthetheater,Allaisbegan:“Ihavebeenaskedtotalktoyouonthesubjectofthetheater,butIfearthatitwillmakeyoumelancholy.Shakespeareisdead,Molièreisdead,Racineisdead,Marivauxisdead—andIamnotfeelingtoowellmyself.”

ALLEN,Dick(1942–),USbaseballplayer.

1 Allen, who played for numerous teams, including the Cardinals, the

Dodgers,theCubs,andtheA’s,likedtowritewordsinthedirtaroundfirstbase. This distracted the other players, and finally baseball commissionerBowie Kuhn told the Philadelphia Phillies to put a stop to this practice.Allen’s immediate responsewas towrite threewords in thedirt:No,why,andMom.WhyMom?“Tosayshetellsmewhattodo,”Allensaid,“notthemanupthere.”

ALLEN,Ethan(1738–89),USpatriot,leaderofthe“GreenMountainBoys”duringtheRevolutionaryWar.

1EthanAllenwithagroupofassociatesattendedaSundayservice ledbyasternCalvinistpreacher.Hetookashis text“Manyshallstrivetoenterin,butshallnotbeable.”God’sgracewassufficient,observedthepreacher,toinclude one person in ten, but not one in twentywould endeavor to availhimselfoftheofferedsalvation.Furthermore,notonemaninfiftywasreallytheobjectofGod’ssolicitude,andnotoneineighty—hereAllenseizedhishat and left thepew, saying, “I’moff, boys.Anyoneof you can takemychance.”

2 In the earlymorningofMay10,1775,EthanAllen led a small force in asurpriseattackontheBritishgarrisonatTiconderoga.Havingoverpoweredthe sentries, Allen demanded to be taken to the commanding officer’squarters.Heshoutedathim tocomeout immediatelyorhewouldkill theentire garrison. The commander appeared, his breeches still in his hand.Allen ordered the instant surrender of the fortress. “By what authority?”asked the British officer. “In the name of the great Jehovah, and theContinentalCongress,”saidEthanAllen.Thegarrisonsurrendered.

3WhenAllen’sfirstwife,notoriousforhersournessandbadtemper,died,alocalmanofferedtohelptransportthecoffintothechurch.“Youcouldcallonanyoftheneighbors,”hesaidtothewidower.“There’snotamanintownwouldn’tbegladtohelpout.”

4Allenlayill.Thedoctorexaminedhimandsaid,“General,Ifeartheangelsarewaitingforyou.”“Waiting,arethey?”saidtheblufffrontiersman.“Waiting,arethey?Well

—let’emwait.”

ALLEN,Fred(1894–1956),UScomedian,writer,andradiostar.

1“Ifsomebodycaughthiminanactofkindness,heduckedbehindascreenofcynicism. A friend was walking with him when a truck bore down on anewsboyinfrontofthem.Allendashedoutandsnatchedtheboytosafety,thensnarledathim,‘What’sthematter,kid?Don’tyouwanttogrowupandhavetroubles?’”

2 Spying a haggard, long-haired cellist in the orchestra pit of a vaudevillehouse in Toledo, Ohio, Allen called out to him, “How much would youchargetohauntahouse?”

3TheradioandTVcomicJackParr,oftheTonightshowfame,idolizedAllen.On their first meeting he stammered, “You are my God!” Allen replied:“There are five thousand churches in New York and you have to be anatheist.”

4ThescriptforoneofAllen’sradioshowswasreturnedtohimwithextensivealterationsscrawledacrossthepagesinbluepencil.Allenflippedthroughitimpatiently.“Wherewereyoufellowswhenthepaperwasblank?”heasked.

ALLEN,Woody(1935–),USfilmactor,director,andwriter.

1AfanrusheduptoAllenonthestreetcalling,“You’reastar!”Allenreplied,“ThisyearI’mastar,butwhatwillIbenextyear—ablackhole?”

2 Allen was revered by the French, who saw in him a true genius of themedium.AndAmericancriticswereadulatoryaswell,dubbinghimoneofthe great directors ofmodern times.Allen himselfwasmore sanguine: “Idon’twant to achieve immortality throughmywork. I want to achieve itthroughnotdying!”

ALLINGHAM,Margery(1904–),Britishmysterywriter.

1Allinghamwasbornintoafamilyofbookworms,andfromherearliestdayswas surrounded by editors and journalists.One day, as the seven-year-oldMargery was sitting on the floor writing a story in her notebook, thehousemaidsawherandsaid,“Master,missus,andthreestrangersallsittingindifferentroomswritingdownliesandnowYOUstarting!”

ALMA-TADEMA, Sir Lawrence (1836–1912),Dutch painter who adoptedBritishnationalityin1873.

1A friendofAlma-Tademahad just become the proud father of twins.Thepaintermadehiscongratulatoryvisit immediatelyafterconcludinga ratherexcessivedrinkingbout.Thoughstillabitmuzzy,hewasprudentenoughtoexclaim,“Whatanenchantingbaby!”

ALTENBERG,Peter(?1862–1919),Austrianpoet.

1 Though in fact hemaintained a very solid bank balance,Altenberg had amania for begging. The poet and critic Karl Kraus tells how Altenbergbesoughthimagainandagaintogivehimahundredkronen,andoneveryoccasionKrausrefusedhim.Finally,hispatienceatanend,Krausburstout,“Look, Peter, I’d gladly give it to you, but I really,really, don’t have themoney.”“Verywell,I’lllendittoyou,”saidAltenberg.

ALTMAN,Robert(1925–),USfilmdirector.

1 Hollywood had always found Robert Altman difficult to work with; andAltmanreturnedthefeeling, loathingthepretentiousnessandexcessof thebigstudios.Amaverickfilmmaker,hehadmadehiswaywithhisownrules.HismovieThePlayerwasanirreverent,sometimessavagelookatmodern

moviemaking, an in-joke on the whole industry. At a special screeningAltman was delighted to observe that, during a scene showing a snake,studio mogul Barry Diller “jumped a foot out of his chair.” ChuckledAltman,“Iguesshedidn’texpecttoseearelative.”

ALVANLEY,WilliamArden, 2dBaron (1789–1849),British aristocrat andsocietyleader.

1AfteremergingunscathedfromaduelfoughtinadiscreetlysecludedcornerofLondon,LordAlvanleyhandedaguinea to thehackney coachmanwhohadconveyedhimto thespotandhomeagain.Surprisedat thesizeof thelargesse,themanprotested,“But,mylord,Ionlytookyouamile.”Alvanleywavedasidetheobjection:“Theguinea’snotfortakingme,myman,it’sforbringingmeback.”

2Owingtothecarelessdrivingoftheircoachmen,LordAlvanleyandanothernoblemanwere involved in a collision. The other peer jumped out of hiscoach, rolling up his sleeves and making ready to thrash his negligentservant,butonseeingthathewaselderlyandabjectlyapologetic,contentedhimself with saying significantly, “Your age protects you.” Alvanleylikewisehoppedoutofhiscoach,readytothrashhispostilion,but,findinghimselfconfrontingaverylarge,tough-lookinglad,hethoughtbetterofit.“Youryouthprotectsyou,”hesaid,andclimbedbackintohiscoach.

AMBROSE,Saint(?340–397),Italiancleric,bornatTrierinGermany.

1 The emperor appointed Ambrose provincial governor of northern Italy,residingatMilan.Inthiscapacityhewascalledoutin374tothecathedral,whereariotwasthreateningbetweentworivalfactionsofChristians,eachintentonwinningitsowncandidate’snominationtothebishopric.Ambrosequelledtheriotbutwasunabletopersuadethewarringpartiestoagreeonabishop. Finally someone suggested Ambrose himself, and the nominationwasenthusiasticallygreetedonallsides.InvainAmbroseprotestedthathewas not even christened. He was hurriedly baptized, then ordained, and

finallyconsecratedbishop—allwithinthespaceofasingleweek.

AMMONIUS,earlyChristianmonk.

1 In the yearAD420 themonkAmmonius,whowished to be left alone incontemplation and prayer, was approached by a group of villagers whowantedhimtobecometheirbishop.Infrontofthemhecutoffhisownleftear,saying“Fromnowonbeassuredthatitisimpossibleforme,asthelawforbids a man with his ear cut off to be an ordained priest. And if youcompelme,Iwillcutoutmytongueaswell.”

ANAXAGORAS(500–428BC),Greekphilosopher.

1AnaxagorastookrefugeatLampsacusontheHellespont,andtheAthenianscondemned him to death in absentia. When he heard the news of thesentence he observed, “Nature has long since condemned both them andme.”

ANAXIMENES (4thcenturyBC),Greek philosopher born at Lampsacus inAsiaMinor.

1AnaximenesaccompaniedAlexandertheGreatonhisexpeditionagainstthePersians,inthecourseofwhichtheMacedonianforcescapturedLampsacus.Anxious to save his native city from destruction, Anaximenes sought anaudiencewiththeking.Alexanderanticipatedhisplea:“IswearbytheStyxI will not grant your request,” he said. “My lord,” calmly repliedAnaximenes,“ImerelywantedtoaskyoutodestroyLampsacus.”Andsohesavedhisnativecity.

ANDERS,WilliamA[lison](1933–),USastronaut.Amemberofthecrewof

Apollo8,hecircumnavigatedthemooninDecember1968.

1AndersreceivedhisfairshareofpublicityaftertheApollo8moontrip.Tiredofbeingaccostedbypressmen,photographers,andtheadmiringpublic,he“escaped”withhiswifeforabriefvacationinAcapulco.Afewdaysaftertheirarrival,however,as they relaxedon thepatioof theirholidayvilla,ayoungmancalledandaskedifhecouldtakesomephotographs.Groaning,Andersreplied,“Okay,comeonin.”“Thanks,”said theyoungmanenthusiasticallyashemarchedacross the

patio.“You’vegotthebestviewofthebayinthewholeplace.”

2Anders’s son askedhis fatherwhowould actually bedriving theApollo8craft as it hurtled into space. Anders told him, “I think Isaac Newton isdoingmostofthedrivingnow.”

ANDERSEN,HansChristian (1805–75),Danish writer famed for his fairytales.

1AsayoungmanHansChristianAndersenreadoneofhisplaystothewifeof another Danish writer. She soon stopped him: “But you have copiedwhole paragraphs word for word from Oehlenschläger and Ingemann!”Andersenwasunabashed:“Yes,Iknow,butaren’ttheysplendid!”

2 Visiting with Charles Dickens’s family in England, Andersen ratheroverstayedhiswelcome.OneofDickens’sdaughterssummeduptheguestas “a bonybore, and [he] stayedon andon.”Dickens himselfwrote on acard that he stuck up over themirror in the guest room: “HansAndersensleptinthisroomforfiveweeks—whichseemedtothefamilyAGES.”

3HansChristianAndersenwasdiscussingthemarchforhisfuneralwiththemusicianwhowastocomposeit:“Mostof thepeoplewhowillwalkaftermewillbechildren,somakethebeatkeeptimewithlittlesteps.”

4Despitehisevidentloveofchildren,Andersennevermarried.Lateinlifehishealthdeclinedrapidly;firsthedevelopedchronicbronchitis,thenthemoreserious, and ultimately fatal, liver cancer. Unable to care for himself, he

movedintothehouseofsomefriendsnearCopenhagen,wherehecouldseetheoceanfromhisroom.Onemorninghequietlyfinishedhistea,andwasfoundafewminuteslaterinhisbed,dead.Inhishandswasafarewellletterwrittenforty-fiveyearsearlierbytheonlywomanhehadeverloved.

ANDERSON, Sherwood (1876–1941), US author best known for hiscollectionWinesburg,Ohio.

1 (Anderson describes a chance meeting in New Orleans with HoraceLiveright,thepublisher,whowasawell-knownwomanizer.)“HewaswithabeautifulwomanandIhadseenhimwithmanybeautiful

women.‘Meetmywife,’hesaidand‘Ohyeah?’Ianswered.Therewasanuncomfortable moment. It was Mrs. Liveright. I was sunk and so wasHorace.”

2Anderson’sfirstpublishers,recognizinghispotential,arrangedtosendhimaweeklycheckinthehopethat,relievedoffinancialpressure,hewouldwritemore freely. After a fewweeks, however, Anderson took his latest checkbacktotheoffice.“It’snouse,”heexplained.“Ifinditimpossibletoworkwithsecuritystaringmeintheface.”

ANDRE,Major John (1751–80),British army officer during the AmericanRevolution.

1TheBritisharmymajorwhoplottedwithBenedictArnoldtooverthrowWestPointwas finallycaptured in1780by the shoresof theHudsonRiverandwascondemned todeath.WhenAndreappealed toGeneralWashington tobeshotinsteadofhanged,Washingtondeclinedtohelp,sayingthatifAndrewas a traitor, he should die a spy’s death; if he was to be considered aprisoner-of-war,heshouldnotbeexecutedatall.AsAndrewas led tohisdeath, he nearly fainted to see the hangman’s noose awaiting him.Butheswiftly recovered his composure, helped the hangman adjust the noosearound his ownneck, and offered his handkerchief to be used to bind hishands.“AllthatIrequestofyougentlemen,”hetoldhiscaptors,“isthatyou

willbearwitnesstotheworldthatIdielikeabraveman.”

ANDREW,FatherAgnellus(1908–),BritishFranciscan.

1 Father Andrew was the BBC’s adviser on Roman Catholic affairs. AproducerwhowasplanningprogramsonthesubjectwrotehimaskinghowhecouldascertaintheofficialRomanCatholicviewofheavenandhell.Theansweringmemorandumcontainedjustoneword:“Die.”

ANNE, Princess (1950–), daughter of Queen Elizabeth II of the UnitedKingdom.

1 Watching the annual show-jumping event at Hickstead in Sussex oneafternoon,PrincessAnnewasaccostedbya fellowspectator.“HasanyoneevertoldyouthatyoulooklikePrincessAnne?”heinquired.Annereplied:“IthinkI’mabitbetter-lookingthansheis.”

2In1974aderangedmantriedtokidnapPrincessAnneintheverypublicsiteoftheMall.Inhisattempthefiredsixshots,woundingherbodyguardandseveral other people.Her father, PrincePhilip, later said, “If theman hadsucceededinabductingAnne,shewouldhavegivenhimahellofatimeincaptivity.”

3AtadinnerpartyAnnespenttheentiremealtalkingabouthorseswithoneofher dinner companions. Her neighbor on the other side was ignoredthroughoutthemealasAnnetalked,untilatlastsheturnedtohimtoaskforthesugar.Theslightedmanput two lumpsof sugaronhisopenpalmandheldthemouttoher.

ANTHEIL,George(1900–59),UScomposer,especiallyoffilmmusic.

1AmongAntheil’searlyavant-gardepieces,nonecausedagreatersensation

thanhisBalletmécanique, scoredforautomobilehorns,airplanepropeller,firesiren,tengrandpianos,andotherinstruments.WhenitwasperformedatCarnegie Hall in 1924, a con-certgoer near the orchestra could stand nomorethanafewminutesoftheracket.Tyinghishandkerchieftohiscane,heraisedthewhiteflag.

ANTHONY,Marc(d.30BC),Romansoldier,loverofEgypt’sCleopatra.

1 Octavius’s invasion of Egypt spelled doom for Marc Anthony. SoCleopatra’s lover summoned his servant Eros and asked him to fulfill apromisemadeearlier:tokillMarcAnthonywhenthechipsweredown.Erosdrewhissword,butatthelastmomentplungeditintohisownheart.“Welldone,Eros,”saidMarcAnthony,“youcouldnotdoityourself,butyouteachme to do what I must.” So saying, he drew his own sword and killedhimself.

ANTHONY,SusanB.(1820–1906),USsuffragetteandsocialreformer.

1“Youarenotmarried,”thewell-knownabolitionistSamuelMayoncesaidtoSusanAnthony.“Youhavenobusinesstobediscussingmarriage.”“You,Mr.May,arenotaslave,”sheretorted.“Supposeyouquitlecturing

onslavery.”

2Atareceptiongiventohonorhermanydecades’struggleforequalrightsforwomen,Anthonywasshoweredwithbouquetsofflowers.Commentingonher initial forays into politics and marveling that her status had certainlychanged over the years, she noted, “They threw things atme then— buttheywerenotroses.”

3OnherdeathbedAnthonywasaskedifshewashappyaboutthecourseherlifehadtaken.“Oh,yes,I’ddoitallagain,”shesaid.“Thespiritiswillingyet;Ifeelthesamedesiretodothework,butthefleshisweak.It’stoobadthatourbodieswearoutwhileourinterestsarejustasstrongasever.”

ANTISTHENES(c.440–c.360BC),Greekphilosopher.

1Antisthenes dressedwith ostentatious poverty. Socrates oncemockedhim,saying,“Icanseeyourvanity,Antisthenes,throughtheholesinyourcloak.”

2 Overcome by a distaste for life, Antisthenes was offered a dagger byDiogenes with the words: “Perhaps you have need of this friend?”Antisthenes replied,“I thankyou,butunfortunately thewill to live isalsopartoftheworld’sevil,asitispartofournature.”

APELLES(4thcenturyBC),Greekpainter.

1While Apelles was being acclaimed at the court of Alexander the Great,Protogenes,theonlymanworthytobeconsideredhisrival,waslivingpoorand obscure on Rhodes. Apelles went to visit him, but when he arrived,Protogenes was away from home. The old woman servant asked Apelleswho she should tell hermasterhad calledonhim inhis absence. In replyApellestookabrushandtraceduponapanel,withasinglecontinuousline,ashapeofextremedelicacy.WhenProtogenesreturnedandsawthepanelheremarked,“On