Backup your damned photos on the cloud, dickass
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Transcript of Backup your damned photos on the cloud, dickass
Actual Conversations I’ve Had about Digital Photos, the iPhone and Google Photos.
Below are transcripts of some real dialogue I’ve had with friends and family in the past few months. I’ve taken the liberty of adding some insults below that weren’t actually part of the conversation, but definitely occurred in my head. Them: “Kevin, I don’t have any room on my phone.” Me: “That’s because your photos take up a lot of space. Your iPhone videos are huge files. I would back them up using Google Photo or some other cloud-‐based storage app. Then delete them from your phone.” Them: “But I need my photos on my phone. I don’t want to delete them.” Me: “You can delete them from your phone but they’re not deleted from your life, Dick Ass. They’re stored safely online. You can open Google Photos app on your phone or desktop to see them whenever you’d like. And if you miss them desperately, you can just save them back to your screen-‐shattered ghetto phone.”
Them: “I’ll need to connect my phone to my Mac and back them up on iTunes.” Me: “You actually mean you’ll back them up on Apple Photo desktop. But we both know you’ll never do that. And really, Fucknut, you shouldn’t do that because: a) you’ll use up all your laptop storage; b) your photos are gone forever when your laptop crashes. Listen, I really don’t want you to lose the entire childhood of your repugnant kids. Can you please just install the damned Google Photo app and backup your fucking photos on the fucking fuck cloud.” Them: “I don’t have any room on iCloud.” Me: “Okay read my lips as I say this. iCloud is not the cloud. iCloud is not the cloud! iCloud is a shitass Apple product. It cost money and it gives you inanely limited storage. I just mean you should use ANY damned non-‐iCloud private, online storage. A lot of apps can store and retrieve things from the magical cloud. Google Photo is my favorite but I really don’t give a shit which one you use. Use fucking AOL or Yahoo it it’s still in business. Google Photos happens to be free and I think it’s the easiest. It offers unlimited storage if you don’t mind having photos compressed slightly. That shouldn’t be a problem unless you’re planning to make poster prints of your shit-‐ass-‐blurry-‐dark thumb-‐covered grainy photos.
Them: “I don’t want to put my photos online. They’re private.” Me: “I’m glad you raised that, Algebra. You see, Google Photos isn’t the same thing as Googling on the Internets. Your photos on the cloud are private and password-‐protected just like your top-‐secret spy phone. They’re defaulted to private and you can share them only if you want. Them: “Maybe I’ll get Google Photos some day.” Me: “Son of a whore. Why don’t you just download the fucking Google App right fucking now? Shit, now I sound like a bloody advertisement. Here, dude, look at my phone – I have more than a decade of photos backed up. I can scroll down to 1998. All it required is downloading the Google Photos app to my old laptop, and it found all the images automatically. It puts them all in the same place and eliminates duplicates. I can search them easily by date, location and facial recognition. See? Why is this So. Damned. Hard. To. Convey?” Them: “Hey Google Photos sounds cool. But I amn’t that technical.” Me: “Give me your fucking phone. Oh, wait, Techtard. Deal breaker. This will require you to know your password to the Apple App store, which I’m sure you’ve forgotten since the last time I helped you reset it.” Them (weeks later): “Kevin, my phone died and I lost all my photos!” Me: “I’m so sorry. That sounds very frustrating. Remember we were talking about Google Photos? When you get your new phone, can you… Warning, there are three important points before you delete your photos and go “cloud commando.” Pay attention:
1. The Google Photos IOS app displays all photos that are on your phone, whether backed up or not. If the photo still has the little circle arrow then it’s not yet backed up. To be neurotically safe, do this before deleting the photos from your iPhone camera roll. Login to Google Photos on a browser via your desktop and be sure you see your most recent phone photo. Then you’re safe.
2. Be sure to select the default Google Photos setting that only backs up photos when on Wifi. Otherwise you’ll go through your data plan quickly.
3. Third, the app only backs up when you open it. So you will need to occasionally launch the app on your phone or desktop but then you can just close the window and let it do its thing.
This is not a damned ad from Google. It’s by Nalts (youtube.com/nalts or willvideoforfood.com). Piss off.
THE CIRCLED ARROW ICONS = NOT BACKED UP