Baby Tips for Mums

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Baby Tips for Mums

Simon Brett

s u m m e r s d a l e


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Baby Tips for Mums

Copyright Simon Brett, 2005

The right of Simon Brett to be identified as the author of this work has beenasserted in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs andPatents Act 1988.

Condition of SaleThis book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade orotherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form ofbinding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similarcondition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher.

Summersdale Publishers Ltd46 West StreetChichesterWest SussexPO19 1RPUK

www.summersdale.com

Printed and bound in Great Britain

ISBN 1 84024 528 X
http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/http://www.summersdale.com/


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Contents

Introduction.......................................................5

Mums the Word.................................................7

Daddy Dearest.................................................31

Mummy Training...............................................43

The New Mums Dictionary..............................57


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Introduction


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6

Well, there you are. Youve put in all that hard

work. Youve spent nine months producing whatis undoubtedly the most beautiful and intelligent

baby in the world, and youd have thought the

one thing you really deserve now is a nice long

rest. The trouble is, thats not the way the babysees things. Nor frequently is it the way your

partner or other family members will see things.

So, to help you survive what is going to be an

unfairly busy stage of your life, here are a few tips


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Mums the Word


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Basic Rules:

In the early weeks a New Mummust prepare herself for a lot of

screaming and tantrums and thats

just from her partner.


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The relationship between a New

Mum and her Baby is a power

struggle and you may as well

face the fact straight away the Babys going to win.

Basic Rules:


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When breastfeeding, dont think ofyourself as a canteen. Thinking of

yourself as a gourmet restaurant is

much better for your self-esteem.

Basic Rules:


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With Babies, everything ends in

tears from one or other of you.

Basic Rules:


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Getting your figure back after

youve had your Baby is an

admirable ambition, but then

so is world peace and finding anNHS dentist and pigs flying

Basic Rules:


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When a Baby is being dressed,either it seems to develop one

more limb or the garment seems to

develop one less hole.

Basic Rules:


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The night after you said your

Baby slept through the night for

the first time, it wont.

Basic Rules:


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For the convenience of Parents,Baby Buggies fold. For the

inconvenience of Parents,

Babies dont.

Basic Rules:


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You must never say that your Babyis prettier/better-natured/more

intelligent than anyone elses

even though its obviously true.

Basic Rules:


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However much you would like itto be, a Baby will never be

a matching accessory.

Basic Rules:


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You can always recognisea New Mum by:

The deep hollows under her eyes.


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The encrustation of puke

over her shoulder.

You can always recognise a New Mum by:


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The fact that shes still in her

dressing gown at lunchtime.



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The lingering aroma

of sterilising fluid.



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Her inability to sustain adult

conversation.



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The disappointed, neglected look

in her partners eyes.



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Daddy Dearest


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You can tell your partner willbe a good Dad when:

He offers to look after the Baby

while you go off for a girlie

weekend with your friends. (Oh

yes?)


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He says, The Baby was crying

in the night, but you looked so

peacefully asleep that I sortedeverything out. (Come on!)

You can tell your partner will be a good Dad when:


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Hes decided that, now hes got theresponsibility of a Baby, hes going

to give up drinking with the boys

and stay at home every evening.(Lets get back to the real

world, shall we?)

You can tell your partner will be a good Dad when:


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Your partner should

be discouraged from:

Getting into discussions with

your mother about

A) Childcare,

B) Education,

C) Anything, really


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Wanting to dress your

Baby in any team strip.

Your partner should be discouraged from:


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Asking if he can take his paternity

leave in cash and keep working.



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Pretending, when youre breast-

feeding in public, that hes withsomeone else.



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Thinking that wetting the Babys

head should continue on a nightly

basis until after its finished school.



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Mummy Training


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F B b it i t f h t


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Hold back a really big Poo until

immediately after a nappy change.

For a Baby its a point of honour to:


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Listen out for the words, I think the

Babys settled for the night now,

and prove them wrong.

For a Baby it s a point of honour to:


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Know when its Mum really wants

to show it off and develop a nasty

facial rash just before the event.

For a Baby it s a point of honour to:


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Be prepared for your mother

to say the following:

You think your labour was tough,

but let me tell you, when I hadyou

Be prepared for your mother to say the following:


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I love your Baby very much, butI dont want to be thought of as

a free baby-sitting service.



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Just because youve had a Baby,

thats no excuse to let yourself go.

p p y y g


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Everybody says I look far too

young to be a grandmother.

p p y y g


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The New MumsDictionary


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ANAEMIA : This fashion for givingBabies Victorian names is really

getting out of hand.


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AU PAIR : A young woman

whose presence in the housegives you time to yourself,

and your partner ideas.


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BABY-SITTING CIRCLE : A

reciprocal arrangement whereby

Parents seem to spend every night

looking after other peoples children

and then find nobodys free on the

one evening theywant to go out.


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BABY WALKER : A father at 3 a.m.,

having been told that a fewturns round the block may

make the Baby settle.


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BATHTIME : A daily contest

between Baby and Parent

to see who can get wetter,invariably though unwillingly

won by the Parent.


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BEDTIME STORY : A childish

fantasy like, for instance, the idea

that your Baby goes to bed and to

sleep at the same time every night.


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BREAST PADS : Equipment usedby women cricketers.


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BURPING : Something you have

to do for your Baby, but whichyour partner can manage without

any help from anyone.


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COMFORTER : Whatever works

for you (partner, lover, Celine DionCD, big box of chocolates, Maeve

Binchy novel, Chardonnay, gin, etc.)


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CONTRACEPTION, MOST

EFFECTIVE METHOD AFTERBABYS BIRTH : The Baby.


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FEEDING TRAY : An attachment

to a High Chair, something fora Baby to push food off.


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HEARING TEST : The moment at

the doctors when your Baby, who

up until that point has been woken

by the sound of a fly landing on a

cushion in another room, is

suddenly unable to hear a drumbeing

banged next to its ear


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banged next to its ear.


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INTRODUCTION OF SOLIDS :

The Babys discovery that Lego

bricks fit into its mouth.


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LABOUR : The process of

giving birth, so called because its

BLOODY HARD WORK.


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NAPPY RASH : All-purpose

explanation for any bad behaviourfrom Baby.


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OTHER MUMS : Most probably,

your salvation. Therell always be

one whos worse at the whole

business than you are.


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PARENTAL DISCIPLINE : When

theres a New Baby in the house, it

is important to establish whos boss.But dont worry about it.


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ROLE MODEL : Someone who

has completely got her figureback after having a Baby.


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ROLL MODEL :

A) What you look like, havingcompletely failed to get your

figure back after having a Baby.

B) The little figurine of a ROLE

MODEL you make out


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of bread, to stick pins in.


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STERILISATION : Procedure

recommended for dirty nappies anddirty-minded partners.


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TEETHING : All-purpose

explanation for any badbehaviour from Baby.


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TEETHING RING : A group of

Babies who all decide to whingeat the same time.


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WEANING : Getting your Baby off

the breast. Any Baby worth its saltcan make this process last for years.


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WIND : All-purpose explanation for

any bad behaviour from Baby.


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A FINAL


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A FINALTHOUGHT

When your Babys being a right

little pain, and you see a signreading Baby Changing Facilities


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