Attract & Approach

Adam Lyons 1 TABLE OF CONTENTS

Attract & Approach

Adam Lyons 2

Introduction 3

CHAPTER 1 It’s Not Your Fault 4

CHAPTER 2 What Are The Signs 7

CHAPTER 3 Be More Attractive 14

CHAPTER 4 Breaking The Ice 16

CHAPTER 5 Approach Anxiety 18

CHAPTER 6 What is Anxiety? 20

CHAPTER 7 Social Anxiety 22

CHAPTER 8 The 5-Step Method to Overcome Anxiety 24

CHAPTER 9 Overcoming Anxiety 28

CHAPTER 10 Remove Anxiety By Jumping In the Deep End 30

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Introduction

Spotting a girl that wants you is something most men can't do. But if you

understood the signs of attraction, not only would you know that a girl is in

to you… you would be trained to know exactly what to do to make her

come over and start talking to you.

These are the physical and psychological findings that have been

developed over the years and mastered by some, that are guaranteed to

help you Attract and Approach the women of your dreams.

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CHAPTER 1

It’s Not Your Fault

I have never, in my life, believed something simply because someone

said it was true. I needed quantifiable information about a topic before

incorporating it into my life. I would take the time to research and read

studies about the subject, gathering all pertinent information and applying

them to situations in my everyday life. I am proud to say that I am a geek

by nature. I have to understand things on a much deeper level in order to

master them. There’s no point trying to learn something if you don’t

understand why it works. That’s why I had to sit down and examine the

nature of attraction.

Here are some noteworthy results of scientific studies on attraction so

that we can dive into what is really going wrong out there.

Even though it is traditional for males to initiate and take

charge when courting a woman, the female actually tends to

control the early stages of courtship. (Givens 1978)

The study suggested that males who approach females - without the

female noticing them or exhibiting behavior that she is available for

solicitation - has a significantly lower chance of success. Basically, if you

approach a woman who is not showing signs that she wants to be

approached, you’re probably going to get shut down.

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This gives us evidence that timing is truly everything when it comes to

attraction. The same girl who might start flirting right away with you, could

also reject you brutally if approached at the wrong time.

Many males have a bias evaluation of female nonverbal

behavior and tend to see it as romantic when it may be just

friendliness. (Abbey 1982)

The findings of this study suggest that when we think a woman is

attracted to us, they are actually just being nice. This means two important

things:

1. Men are experiencing rejection not because there is something

wrong with them - but because they are approaching the wrong

women at the wrong times.

2. When a woman is attracted us, men are missing the opportunities

because they are looking for the wrong signs.

Basically, men are reading the signs wrong. My goal is to help fix

that major problem.

The main reason why individuals often fail to initiate a

romantic request is due to fear of rejection paired with a

pessimistic outlook. (Vorauer & Ratner 1996)

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This fear of rejection is

caused by the repeated attempts

of men who hit on women and get

turned down. Since they don’t

know that they are incorrectly

perceiving interest, this leaves

them feeling worthless and afraid to try again. A lot of times it creates doubt

and anxiety, amongst most men.

According to Vorauer & Ratner, the repeated misreading of female

signals has caused them to learn failure as the expected result.

No wonder men are afraid to make a move on a woman. We have

been suffering from a lack of understanding for decades now. That is why I

wanted to share these results with you. I want to make sure you

understand that…

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

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CHAPTER 2

What Are The Signs

Signs are the things women do when they are wanting to be

approached. Some of them are intentional but many are subconscious

behaviors that she might not even be aware of - yet they mean she is

waiting for you.

Now that we know most men have the wrong idea about when to

approach a woman, it is time to learn what the RIGHT signs are. Not only

signs that you should approach her, but once you have her attention, signs

that mean you’re on the right track.

Luckily for us, Monica Moore studied 200 females in a singles bar

and found 51 behaviors that increase in frequency when the female wants

to meet a male and when she is attracted to someone. Noticing when a

woman is doing some of these, means you’ll have a high chance of a

successful meet & greet.

1. Short Glance: This is when the woman quickly glances around the

room. It appears like she is skimming the room for someone that

catches her attention but she makes no direct contact with anyone.

2. Darting Glance: These are quick glances that are directed to a

specific man. She looks to him then looks away after holding her

gaze for less than 3 seconds. She may repeat this a couple times in

a row until she knows you saw her.

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3. Gazing: This is when she holds a gaze

with direct eye contact for over 3

seconds.

4. Eyebrows Raised: This is when she

raises both eyebrows while looking at

you. This only lasts about 2 seconds before she looks down again.

5. Head Tossing: She might flip her head back to tilt her face upwards

for less than 5 seconds.

6. Hair Flip : This is when she raises one hand to her head and

pushes her fingers through her hair - or runs her palm along the

surface of her hair. She normally touches her hair multiple times

within 30 seconds. Playing with her hair is a classic symbol of a

woman being flirtatious.

7. Head Nod: At close distance, often during conversation, she will nod

her head as if in agreement.

8. Face To Face: If she is into the conversation, she will move her

head and face closer to yours - about 5cm away.

9. Neck Presentation: She tilts her head sideways to an angle so her

ear almost touches shoulder, exposing her neck. Occasionally she

strokes her neck with her fingers.

10. Lipstick Application: This is rare. She makes eye contact, then

slowly applies lipstick for up to 15 seconds or more.

11. Lip Lick: This is more common. She opens her mouth and runs her

tongue across one or both of her lips.

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12. Lip Pout: She has her lips placed together and protruded like she is

giving a pouty face.

13. Smiling: A real smile is when both corners of her mouth are turned

up and she is showing teeth. Don’t mistake a genuine smile with a

polite one.

14. Coy Smile: This is a half-smile but paired with a downward gaze or

brief eye contact for about 3 seconds, is a good sign.

15. Laughing: Often proceeded by a head toss.

16. Giggling: Less intense laughter

with her mouth more closed, softer

sounds.

17. Kissing: This is a rare move when

her lips pout forward to touch one of her

body parts.

18. Whisper: If she moves her mouth close to your ear and speaks

softly, she is trying to cause you pleasure. This is sometimes

accompanied by some body contact. The human ear is built from the

jaw of our amphibian ancestors. Hearing and touch are

interconnected and soft vocals are innately pleasurable for us.

19. Arm Flexion: This is when she uses her arm to wave, summoning

you to come towards her. Usually, we repeat this 2-3 times when

waving someone over to us.

20. Tapping: Tapping is used to get your attention. Usually, she’ll tap

your shoulder.

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21. Palming: This is when her hand is placed with her palm up. There

might be a lot of reasons she has her palm exposed but it

subconsciously means she open.

22. Gesticulation: This is when she talks with her hands - like the

Italians. It means she is enjoying the conversation and is her way of

showing you she is having fun while communicating.

23. Hand hold: This is one of the more obvious signs, but if she reaches

out for you to hold her hand, you’re doing good.

24. Primping: This is when she pats or smooths out her clothing - even

when there was no need of adjustment.

25. Skirt Hike: If she raises the edge or hem of a skirt to expose more

leg, she is trying to get your attention.

26. Object Caress: This is when she starts caressing or playing with

something - like her keys, jewelry or something on the table.

27. Caress Face/Hair: If a woman is attracted to you, she’ll move her

hand slowly up and down your face or neck area.

28. Caress Leg: This is if she starts stroking your thigh and inner leg.

29. Buttock Pat: Sometimes while standing or dancing, she’ll pat your

butt if she trying to show you she’s interested in being sexual with

you.

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30. Caress Arm: Most touching is a good sign; arms are a part of the

body some women reach for when

they are attracted to a man.

31. Caress Torso: Touching

your torso area is another touch

point for women.

32. Caress Back: Touching the

back is another comfortable way women use to get closer to you.

33. Leaning In: While seated, she’ll lean in towards you. This means

she is engaged and wants to get closer to you.

34. Brush: This is when she initiates contact by briefly brushing part of

her body against yours. This is subtle contact usually lasting less

than 5 seconds.

35. Breast Touch: Sometimes, women position themselves so their

breast makes contact with your upper body. This can be brief though

sometimes it can be incredibly prolonged.

36. Knee Touch: When your face to face with a woman, she’ll bring her

legs into contact with your knees or legs.

37. Thigh touch: Similar to the knee touch, if you’re sitting side by side,

she will move over so your thighs are touching.

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38. Footsies: Women love playing footsies when they are flirting. She’ll

start by resting her foot on top

of yours.

39. Placement: This is when she

directly picks up your hand and

moves it to touch a part of her.

40. Shoulder hug: This is when

she drapes her arm around your shoulder.

41. Hug: Hugs are a common form of endearment and could just be a

friendly gesture. Something lasting more than 10 seconds, with most

of her body touching yours is a good sign though.

42. Moves Under Your Arm: If she wants to get closer to you, she

might move so your arm is over her shoulders. This means she feels

safe with you and wants to mark her territory.

43. Frontal Body Contact: If she is standing in front of you, she will

move close enough so that her chest and thighs are resting against

or touching yours. It’s not quite a hug since she’s not embracing you

but she’s trying to feel close to you.

44. Hanging: She might initiate this by running and jumping into your

arms or sometimes just wrapping her

arms around your neck and you’ll lift

her off her feet. However it starts,

hanging is when you pick her up and

she wraps her legs around you and

her arms around your neck.

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45. Parade & Approach: The parade is basically her walking across the

room but she does so while exaggerating the swaying of her hips -

more like a strut. Coming within 2 feet of you is a good sign she

wants to be approached.

46. Request a Dance: When a woman is attracted to you, they are

known to ask for a dance.

47. Accept a Dance: Women

rarely agree to dance with a

man they are not attracted to.

If you ask for a dance and

she accepts, there’s a great

chance she’s interested.

48. Solitary Dancing: When a woman is moving to the beat of the

music, either while sitting or standing, it means she’s in a good

mood, enjoying herself and may be hoping you’ll request a dance.

49. Pointing at Her Table: If she looks at you and points towards her

table or a seat near her, she is granting you permission to join her.

50. Aid Solicitation: This is a classic move when the woman asks for

help with something.

51. Playing: Basically, this term refers to when the woman breaks

rapport. This sometimes shows up as a joke or playful game.

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CHAPTER 3

Be More Attractive

I’m not a fan of the “getting a girl” strategies that make a man change

everything about him just to be attractive to a girl. No one can keep that up

for the long run and eventually, if she doesn’t like the real you…she’s not

going to stick around. So be yourself. You’ll have to step out of your

comfort zone in the beginning, but you don’t have to wait until you have a 6

pack or have 7 figures in the bank before you can start approaching

women.

In case no one has told you…. you are good enough. Just the way

you are.

At the same time, you don’t want the obvious choice for the girl

you’ve been chatting up - to be the other guy. Small things can make a big

difference in the world of first impressions. Here are a few quick tips you

can use to be more attractive to women in general.

We have an area of the brain that responds exclusively to hand

signals. Both men and women are responsive to them. (Kandel 1991)

Women find hands and wrists attractive so

show off your arms with rolled up sleeves.

This sounds simple…but it works.

Some facial expressions warn women

that we are not safe - or not good guys.

Avoid having a clenched jaw, tight lips or a wrinkled forehead.

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Fitting in to the surroundings is a skill you should learn and master.

Diana Fossey chewed on tropical leaves and belched to calm gorillas while

studying in Rwanda. Don’t chew on leaves or belch, but put “fitting in” on

the top of your priorities while out in the game. If you look out of place, you

may accidentally make the girl feel uncomfortable.

Communicating with others makes you seem approachable and

friendly. This makes women feel more comfortable around you. While

communicating with someone nearby, be sure make a lot of facial

expressions and use a lot of hand gestures. This will appear less

threatening and make you easier to approach.

Other little tricks include tilting your head to one side or shrugging

your shoulder.

Regardless of your body shape or size, invest in a nice suit. It doesn’t

have to be too expensive, but make sure it fits you well. Suits work great

and give you a boost of confidence. When you look good you feel good.

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CHAPTER 4

Breaking The Ice

They call it “Breaking the Ice” because when you first meet someone,

they can often be cold. Once you get over that initial cold barrier, the

interaction often becomes a lot easier. In fact, it’s almost a downhill battle

from that point on. The issue is, of course, the initial breaking of the ice.

The easiest way to do that is to heat up the ice a little first.

There are many different methods you can use to speak to someone

whom you’ve never met before. Some have a better chance of success

than others but it’s probably fair to say the biggest concern you’re feeling is

the fear of actually approaching someone.

There was a girl in my drama class I secretly fancied for five years. I

had drama class once or twice a week and we were in the same group.

Which meant that for five years, every time I went to drama class I saw this

girl. I’d also see her every lunch when I’d sit down designing geeky

characters to play in computer games – and I did nothing. I’d pass her in

the corridors at school, never said a single word. Not during after-school

activities, after-school events, additional

drama classes...in fact, not even when we

acted in performances that we put on after

school. I never said anything. It wasn’t just

that I didn’t tell her how I felt about her; I

didn’t even go out of my way to have an

initial, ordinary conversation with her.

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On the final day of high school, I said goodbye to drama girl. We were

all standing around collecting our grades for exams when we realized it

was the last time we’d ever see each other. Everybody was pretty tearful.

And there she was; in the middle of the crowd of people, my drama girl.

I went up to her just to say goodbye, realizing I’d never see her again.

She looked at me, she smiled, she hugged me. She looked me in the eyes

and said, “One of my biggest regrets is that I never really got to know you

better.” And then I cried. The entire school was standing around me crying

because they would never get to see their friends again and this was it; this

was a big change in their lives. And I was crying because I didn’t do

anything with regard to my feelings towards drama girl.

And that was it. I would never, ever get that chance to see or speak

to her again. It was then I made the decision to actually start talking to

people. You have no idea how often, from that day on, I would randomly go

up to people and ask them the time; not because I needed to know the

time. Not because I was curious about it or because I ever thought it would

go anywhere further than finding out what the time was.

No, it was because I wanted to make sure that if I ever wanted to

speak to somebody, I actually did something about it rather than let that

moment pass me by.

Whether you ask the time, directions, or crack a joke; hold your head

high and keep going. Simple conversation can lead to anything. Don’t be

afraid to be yourself and go with the flow, girls prefer to see the real you.

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CHAPTER 5

Approach Anxiety

Thousands of years ago humans used to live in small clans. In those

times, if a man approached the wrong woman (if she belonged to another

man or, worse, to the clan leader) the man could be killed. Approaching a

woman in ancient times was life threatening. That’s why men have

developed this fear of approaching woman.

One of the biggest problems people have when it comes to

approaching someone they’re attracted to is overcoming the fear of the

initial approach. I suspect every single person on the planet, with very few

exceptions, has at some time felt the familiar fear associated with the idea

of approaching someone they’re attracted to.

This fear is what many people

within the field of dating refer to as

“Approach Anxiety” - though this is

not defined by dating and seduction

experts. The root of anxiety and its

symptoms were explored a lot earlier

in our history by the psychological community at large, including such great

psychoanalysts as Sigmund Freud himself. We’re all familiar with the

symptoms: sweating, blushing, fear of being judged negatively. Some

people will actively search for signs of disapproval in others to convince

themselves that they shouldn’t bother speaking at all.

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What’s really funny is that starting a conversation is incredibly easy

when you know how. There are better ways to do it than just asking for the

time.

Men have a collection of fears when it comes to approaching women.

There’s the fear of rejection (“What if she says ‘No?’”), the fear of failure

(“What if she won’t give me her phone number?”), and the fear of social

criticism (“Everyone in the club will see me strike out!”). There are about 20

different fears of approach - and every man has one or more of them.

What we’re going to look at now are the symptoms of approach

anxiety and then the possible solutions that’ll enable you to approach

anyone you want at any time.

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CHAPTER 6

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety affects us on a psychological and physiological level. Its

symptoms include perceptual or cognitive components, physical

components, and even behavioral components. What this means is that not

only can we use proven psychological methods to identify the state of

anxiety but we can also use proven solutions to remove it as well.

First, let’s look at anxiety itself. Feelings of anxiety are far from

unusual for us as human beings. In fact, anxiety is a very normal reaction

to stress. It’s designed to help us respond to difficult situations, but in a way

better suited to an earlier evolutionary version of ourselves. Amongst other

things, anxiety sends a burst of adrenaline throughout our body to make us

hyper alert to danger and to help us fight or flee in response to that danger.

Unfortunately, anxiety still strikes today in response to psychologically

challenging situations that don’t really call for fighting or running away.

When anxiety becomes excessive, not only does it hinder us from

using the skills to handle the problem, it can prevent us from attempting to

solve our problems.

The moment anxiety affects our ability to take action, it becomes

known as a phobia. In the situations we’re discussing, if it were to prevent

us from approaching someone we were attracted to, then it would fall into

the category of phobia.

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Occasional anxiety is a normal part of life. You might feel anxious when

faced with a problem at work, before taking a test, or making an important

decision. But anxiety disorders involve more than temporary worry or fear.

– National Institute of Mental Health

Anxiety over meeting or interacting with people, whom we do not yet

know, is a very common stage of development in humans. In fact, in infants

it’s a normal part of growth and is known as stranger anxiety. Sometimes

this fear can persist into adulthood and develop into social anxiety or even

a social phobia. In adults, excessive fear of others that inhibits the ability to

interact with strangers is called social anxiety.

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CHAPTER 7

Social Anxiety

Social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is an anxiety

disorder in which a person has an excessive and unreasonable fear of

social situations. Anxiety (intense nervousness) and self-consciousness

arise from a fear of being closely watched, judged, and criticized by others.

The fear is often associated with all social interactions, however, in a

good deal of cases it can be specific to certain situations, for example, the

idea of approaching someone in the street to whom you’re attracted.

Social anxiety is characterized by physical components such as

sweating or blushing, perceptual components such as the belief that one

might be judged in a negative way, and finally by behavioral components

such as avoiding a “trigger” situation.

Some of the most common social fears or phobias are:

☛ Fear of Dating

☛ Fear of Eating and Drinking in Public

☛ Dealing With Authority Figures.

☛ Anxiety/Stage Fright During Performances Or

Public Speaking

☛ Using Public Toilets (“Bashful Bladder” Syndrome)

☛ Social Situations in General

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Clinical psychologists and researchers continue to investigate and

further define the problems of shyness, social anxiety and its related

manifestations. Many share similarities,

but may also have distinct differences,

which cause difficulties in de- fining

them; especially the difference between

anxiety and the positive feelings of

anticipation.

However, for our purposes, we

need only be concerned with whether or not we suffer from “approach

anxiety,” the fear of approaching, and its possible remedies.

“Some men storm imaginary Alps all their lives, and die in the foothills

cursing difficulties which do not exist.” ~Edgar Watson Howe

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CHAPTER 8

The 5-Step Method to Overcome Anxiety

There’s a simple five step method I’ve identified to guide you through

the process:

☛ Identify

☛ Understand

☛ Accept

☛ Exercise

☛ Overcome

Identify

Take the time to analyze what your fear/ social anxiety really is, allow

yourself to see how deep it goes. Is it speaking to people in public/person?

Meeting someone for the first time? The list goes on and on.

A good way to identify the

problem is by making a list of what

scares you and why. Taking a look

at how you are affected by certain

situations can give you insight as

to what action you could take to

lessen the fear and anxiety. Allowing you to attack the problem a chunk or

two at a time rather than overwhelming yourself and creating more anxiety.

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Understand

Take that list of your fears and dive deep. What is it that causes you

anxiety in social situations? Are you so worried about being so nervous that

you will act like a fool? Really look at why you feel this way. When you

understand that this fear is just a feeling and not actual danger, the anxiety

will start to melt away.

If you follow the advice in this book, you will know how to approach

someone you've never met before and have confidence in yourself to not

stumble around like a clown. Understanding that when you take the same

practices of talking to someone you already know and applying them to

new situations, can help ease your nerves and allow you to work in your

social skills.

Acceptance

In a metaphorical context, means suspending all judgment and bringing

awareness in – as if you are observing it for the first time. This will give you

a new perspective that may invite clarity as to what you can do next. Or, it

may deflate the whole problem. When we accept our anxiety we are giving

it a new meaning. Taking the power away from the monster and turning it

into something less scary and easy to manage. Acceptance doesn't mean

you have to like it, on the contrary the dislike can motivate you to change

and overcome the fear.

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Exercise

Develop an exercise to help you get over your fears. Focus your mind

on your breathing. Slowly count to ten, while slowly and steadily breathing

in and out. Concentrate on your own breathing, the sounds of your breath

and the motion of your lungs, instead of on the fearful situation at hand.

Feeling more relaxed, you will be able to take the steps to expose yourself

– gently – to fearful situations.

For example, let’s say your fear is approaching someone you’re

attracted to in a coffee shop. You want to start by choosing the least fearful

situation imaginable.

So perhaps begin by holding a longer conversation with the shop

worker. After this, move on to talking to an older person in the same line as

you. Then move on to talking to someone closer to your age and of the

same sex. Eventually, move on to someone you’re not attracted to of the

opposite sex, and then, finally, speak to someone you’re attracted to of the

opposite sex.

Even if, initially, the entire conversation only lasts 10 seconds,

eventually you’ll feel more comfortable talking to people in any coffee shop

at any time. This exercise helps because you are taking small steps rather

than large leaps. Slow and steady wins the race. Taking it slow is

beneficial, while others may crash and burn then give up, you will be able

overcome your anxiety.

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Overcome

Practice talking to strangers in environments that you feel

comfortable are a good place to start. Eventually going out of your comfort

zone and speaking to people on the street or in the grocery store. Simple

conversation or small talk goes a long way when you are first breaking out

of your shell.

Remind yourself that you can’t actually be hurt in the situation and

that you can handle the consequences. Once you make this realization,

you should find yourself calming down. Then you can begin to push

yourself further again. You should be able to repeat this process for any of

your fears and be able to overcome all of them.

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CHAPTER 9

Overcoming Anxiety

There are a number of different methods to remove anxieties. These

range from exposing subjects to their fears directly to some of the more

experimental methods of hypnosis.

Many psychologists agree that one of the best ways to remove an

anxiety or phobia is by a type of behavioral therapy known as Systematic

Desensitization. This type of therapy has its roots in Pavlovian therapy or

classical conditioning, and was developed by a South African psychiatrist

by the name of Joseph Wolpe.

This method is essentially a two-part therapy. The first part involves

teaching the subjects relaxation skills so that they can control their fears

and anxiety responses. These can be breathing exercises or focus games.

Something you can try is to simply regulate your breathing to match a slow

count of ten. By taking slow, concentrated breaths and monitoring your own

breathing patterns whilst exposing yourself to a fearful situation, you can

slowly begin to relax, even in the midst of a phobia.

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The second half of the therapy involves exposing the subjects to

fearful situations with an ever-

increasing hierarchy of fear,

starting by exposing them to the

smallest fear stimulus and then

slowly escalating it until they are ready

to face their fears in full.

The following is an example of such a hierarchy:

The process starts at the bottom of the hierarchy to reinforce the

person for engaging in this behavior, in this example, touching or handling

the stuffed animal. Once they master this level, they would then move to

the next level and repeat the same process.

The question still remains, however, how can you use this method to

help you overcome your fear of speaking to some- one you’re attracted to?

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CHAPTER 10

Remove Anxiety By Jumping In the Deep End

Another approach to removing anxiety is a bit more drastic. It is

commonly known as flooding.

Flooding is a psychotherapeutic method for overcoming phobias. This

is a method of ridding fears that is usually paired with systematic

desensitization. In order to demonstrate the irrationality of the fear, a

psychologist would put a person in a situation where they would face their

phobia at its worst.

Under controlled conditions and using psychologically-proven

relaxation techniques, the subject attempts to replace their fear with

relaxation. The experience can often be traumatic for a person, but may be

necessary if the phobia is causing them significant life disturbances. The

advantage to flooding is that it is quick and usually effective.

Flooding would involve throwing you, a person with arachnophobia,

into a bathtub full of spiders. When you eventually calmed down due to

exhaustion from the stress, you would find that the fear has basically

disappeared since exposure to the spiders hadn’t actually caused you any

permanent harm.

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Right now, I’m sure you’re thinking that being thrown into a bathtub full of

members of the opposite sex

doesn’t sound that bad. However,

unfortunately for the majority of you

reading this, don’t actually have a

fear of the opposite sex. Your fear

is, rather, one of approaching

them.

In that case the flooding solution would be to make the approach so

uncomfortable that once you did it and realized nothing too terrible

happened, the next time would much easier.

In the past, I’ve made students wear funny costumes, speak in funny

accents, and even begin the conversation using expletives, though I’ve

found the best way is to just wander up to someone and ask for their hand

in marriage. It’s a scary situation, incredibly awkward, but socially

acceptable enough not to give you too much trouble with a passerby who

may overhear you. The other benefit of doing this is that if the person says

yes, you’ve saved yourself the trouble of having to move on to the next

person, and you can finish your quest there after the one approach!

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