Assertiveness

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ASSERTIVENESSASSERTIVENESS

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ASSERTIVENESSASSERTIVENESSIt is the ability to clearly clearly communicatecommunicate one’s opinions, needs , wants, interests, feelings, etc. to another in a non-defensivenon-defensive and non-non-threateningthreatening way.

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CHARACTERISTICS OF :

SUBMISSIVE people1find themselves taken advantage of, exploited and in some situations scapegoated. These people usually tend not to respect

themselves and are sometimes cruelly referred to as “doormats”.

Tend to avoid conflict and responsibility

Seek out others who can protect them but whom they nevertheless control

Payoffs are able to manipulate and control others through a style which s often praised for its “selflessness”.

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Is probably the worst response because it implies a total abrogation or denial of responsibility and control over a situation.

Payoff : none

They have relative peace and quiet but they have difficulty asserting their rights or gaining any meaningful objectives for themselves.


FLIGHT people2avoid or run away from conflict situations

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Are often counter-attacked or lose control of a situation and are often left with a sense of guilt.

Payoff : They are often able to achieve their objectives and control those around them.


“FIGHT” or Aggressive people3tend not respect the rights of others and, consequently, they often invoke in other people feelings of fear, helplessness and anger.

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Tend to be less anxious and have a sense of control without needing to control others.


Assertive people4tend to respect themselves and their own rights

They have better balanced relationships with fewer bad feelings.

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Assertiveness SkillsAssertiveness Skills

1. “I feel …”

2. “Here’s why…”

3. “Here’s what I think is fair…”

4. “When you do this it will/I’ll…”

( Use as needed) “If you choose not to do this…”

The four-part Assertive Conversion

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Feedback Must Be Carefully Handled Because You Are Taking Someone From….

Unconsciously Incompetent

ConsciouslyIncompetent .

Consciously Competent

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1.1. Passive :Passive : Chooses to be the victim

Says, “ You’re OK, I’m not so hot.”

2.2. Aggressive :Aggressive :Creates victims. Says, “ I’m OK. You’re not so hot.”

Assertiveness SkillsThe Four Basic Styles of Interpersonal Relationships

3. Assertive :3. Assertive : There are no victims. Says, “ I’m OK. You’re OK too.”

4. Passive 4. Passive /Aggressive :/Aggressive :

Chooses to be the victim and creates victims Says, “ I’m not so hot and neither are you!”

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“Behavior is a mirror in which everyone shows his image.”

Assertive Behavior Is a Choice.Choose not to.Give yourself “ permission to pause.”Decide to “ go for it ” now.

Sharon Anthony Bower, “Asserting Yourself”, National Press Publications, 1995

Tip :

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Tip : Assertive Behavior Is Situational

Passive Active

Depression Violence

Pass

ive

Agg

ress

ive

Agg

ress

ive

Abu

sive

With

draw

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Know how to say “No”Tip :

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• Listen to the request.• Ask questions to get details.• Stop. Pause. Think. (Stay silent for 5-10 seconds. The person will explain

more as he/she talks to fill the silence.)

• Decide immediately.Ask yourself : Do I feel stressed? Do I feel challenged?

• Give reasons.• Offer alternatives.

The Power of a Positive Two-Letter WordThe Power of a Positive Two-Letter Word

Taken from prioritize, Organize: The Art of Getting It Done, National Press Publications.

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Two “No ” scripts to Open NegotiationsTwo “No ” scripts to Open Negotiations

“No to PEER”

“_________, there’s nothing I’d like better than to do what you propose, but you know my rule. Never do anything unless I can do it well. And I can’t do that now because there are too many other things on my schedule that must be done first”

( from Prioritize, Organize )

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“No to SUPERVISOR”( from Prioritize, Organize )

“You have assigned my team five tasks. In the time you’ve given us, we can complete three of these tasks. Which three are your priorities?”

Two “No ” scripts to Open NegotiationsTwo “No ” scripts to Open Negotiations

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Different Ways of1.1. Your Natural NoYour Natural No This is your own idiosyncratic

version.

2. Reflective Listening, Then No2. Reflective Listening, Then NoReflect back the content and feeling of the request and then say no.

3. The Reasoned No3. The Reasoned NoSay no and give a succinct reason for it.

4. The Rainy Check No4. The Rainy Check No Say no this time, but suggest that the other person

asks again.

( Adapted from Bolton, 1987, 196-9)

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7. The Celebrative No7. The Celebrative No This is a dramatic gesture to signify refusal (like Martin

Luther pinning his theses to the door of the Wittenberg church).

Different Ways of5. The Broken Record5. The Broken Record For use with very aggressive or

manipulative people (e.g. sales people). Simply use a one-sentence refusal and repeat it no matter what the other says.

6. The Flat No6. The Flat No Rarely used by assertive persons but simply

saying “no” is appropriate at times.

( Adapted from Bolton, 1987, 196-9)

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threatening partthreatening part of the message is “surrounded” on each side by positive and descriptive message. A reinforcement sandwich looks like this:

A Reinforcemen

t Sandwich

I appreciated the way in which you were able to do the report on the PMR although,

I was not as happy with your concluding remarks on the CALL REPORT which could be reworded.

I have confidence in your ability to do this.

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Here the message was given in a way that was helpful. It was not evaluative or judgmental. Neither was it vacuous praise which is equally dangerous for good communication. Instead it was descriptive and concrete. When giving praise these are two essential prerequisites. This technique is useful with particularly sensitive people.

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Good communication and assertiveness skills are the essential building blocks for the conflict manager. Without these there is little hope that conflict will be handled appropriately. They are worth, therefore, careful consideration and practice.

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Body Language

Assertiveness Skills

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Body LanguageBody LanguagePassivePassive Aggressive

Physical Physical AppearanAppearance:ce:

• Shoulders bent forward

• Often jeans on objects or walls.

• Slumps while sitting in chairs

• Appears rigid.• Hands placed

on hips.• Moves quickly

from place to place.

• Walks ahead of others

• Ready to lurch forward at any moment.

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Facial Facial ExpressionsExpressions• Blank

• Eyes are looking down.

• Pouting.• Inappropriate

use of smiles.

• Lowers eyebrows.

• Rolls eyes upward to show displeasure.

• Mouth is turned down at corners.

• Turns head quickly for emphasis.


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GesturesGestures• Constantly handling objects like coins, pens, paper clips, etc.

• Often chews on pens and pencils.

• Hands are at or over the mouth

• Nodding of head in agreement.

• When hands are used for emphasis, fingers are slightly apart .

• Arms and hands invite closeness.

• Index finger is directed to oneself.


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Eye Eye ContactsContacts• Does not make

eye contact with other people.

• Looks to see how others are responding while someone is speaking to him.

• Excessive blinking.

• Stares.• Moves quickly.• Looks at clock

or watch all the time.


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Tone of Tone of VoiceVoice• Difficult to

hear.• Whiny.• Fearful

• Clear.• Appropriate

volume for the setting.

• Good modulation for emphasis


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Which personality type best describes you?

Passive?Passive? Aggressive?

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7%

37%56%

words

tone of voice

facial expression and body language

Here are some interesting statistics about Here are some interesting statistics about what we communicate face to facewhat we communicate face to face

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Knowing this should remind us that the real message is not in words but n our tone of voice and body language. And that our assertive messages are first communicated without ever saying a word.

7%

37%56%

words

tone of voicefacial expression and body language

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7%

37%56%

words

tone of voicefacial expression and body language

Another important nonverbal message we send is through our appearance. What we are wearing, our makeup or lack of it, jewelry and a hundred other cues send strong messages about who we are and what the receiver can expect on us.

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Eleven Qualities of a Successful Manager

1. Command of Basic Facts2. Relevant Professional Knowledge3. Continuing Sensitivity to Events4. Analytical Problem-Solving and

Decisions. Judgment-Making Skills5. Social Skills and Abilities6. Emotional Resilience7. Proactivity – inclination to

respondPurposefully to events

8. Creativity9. Mental Agility10. Balanced Learning Habits

And Skills11. Self - Knowledge

Basic Knowledge

Skills &Attributes

“Meta-Qualities”

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The WINNER is always part of the answer,The LOSER is always part of the problem.

The WINNER always has a programme,The LOSER always has an excuse.

The WINNER sees an answer for every problem,The LOSER sees a problem in every answer.

The Winner sees green pasture near every sandbag,The LOSER sees two or three sandbags near every green.

The WINNER says: “ It may be difficult but it’s possible”,The LOSER says: “ It may be possible but it’s too difficult”.

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ASSERTIVENESSASSERTIVENESS

Thank you.Thank you.

Assertiveness

Business

Transcript of Assertiveness