“Write Expressions” Quiz - HKU Faculty of...

“Write Expressions” Quiz from Expressions 2012 issue 3

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 HK Licence,

<http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/hk/>. © T Lane © Faculty of Dentistry, The University of Hong Kong.


APJOM style?—Suggested Answers and Commentary

Aims

There are both bottom-up (sentence and paragraph building) and top-down (overall style,

logic, purpose, and appropriacy) considerations in this task. In practice, a writer would

consider both things to varying extents during multiple rounds of drafting, revision, and

editing. For illustration, we will work from the bottom up in this commentary.

This commentary will cover the following aims:

(1) Converting notes into full sentences page 2

(2) Combining sentences into a paragraph page 6

(3) Drafting and combining paragraphs page 13

(4) Recognising written research style page 19

(5) Writing for an academic journal page 24


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Starter question

The quiz is about drafting text for a research article for submission to APJOM for peer review

and hopefully acceptance and publication. So, a good starting point would be to find out what

APJOM style is, and how to match that journal’s style. How would you go about that?

Suggested response:

An online search for APJOM or Asia-Pacific Journal of Oral Medicine won’t result in any links

for a website or online archive for that journal. A search in any online library catalogue also

will not find any records for hard copies of the journal. It thus seems that your supervisor has

made a mistake, since APJOM does not exist (yet). You would need to tactfully let your

supervisor know of the search results and discuss where to publish. You would also need to

strategise how to write up the research, and this commentary will provide some suggestions.

(1) Converting notes into full sentences

Suggested sentences:

First, some tips when expanding notes:

Start each sentence with a capital letter and end with a full-stop/period.

Expand abbreviations and explain any symbols.

Fill in appropriate verbs, with appropriate tense and verb endings.

Fill in missing determiners (such as the articles “the” and “a”).

Ensure embedded lists (ie, lists within the sentence) make sense, appear towards the

end rather than at the beginning of sentences, end with “and” or “or”, and insert

appropriate punctuation.

Before reading on, turn the five notes in the Quiz box on page

1 into full sentences.

Can you find a past issue or guidelines (Information for

Authors, or Instructions to Authors) to find out about APJOM style?


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Suggested draft sentences are as follows (there may be more than one possible answer):

(1) We did a random telephone poll, as not much is known in Hong Kong on dry

mouth prevalence, severity, causes, effects, coping, and dental care received.

(2) Dry mouth has numerous causes—for example, anxiety, systemic disease,

drug side effect, and head or neck radiotherapy.

(3) Dry mouth can decrease oral health and quality of life.

(4) Dry mouth, also known as xerostomia, is the perceived or actual reduction in

saliva production or flow.

(5) Many cases are incurable, so patients need to relieve symptoms and make

visits to a dentist.

Suggested improvements:

The sentences could be edited for precision, clarity, and completeness, as follows:

(1) We did a telephone poll among a random selection of Hong Kong residents,

as not much is known in this city about the prevalence and severity of dry

mouth, its causes and effects, people’s ways of coping, and professional oral

care received for the condition.

(2) Dry mouth has numerous causes—for example, anxiety, some systemic

diseases, the use of certain drugs, and head or neck radiotherapy.

(3) Dry mouth can worsen oral health and even reduce quality of life.

(4) Dry mouth, also known as xerostomia, is defined as the perceived or actual

reduction in the production or flow of saliva.

(5) Many cases of dry mouth are incurable but can be managed by methods of

symptomatic relief and regular visits to a dentist.

These sentences now need to be combined to form a message that hangs together so that

the reader can follow the writer’s line of thought. At this point, it would be useful to think about

general sentence structure and how it conveys information. Doing so will help in joining our

five sentences together into a paragraph.

Compare your sentences with the suggested ones above.

Can any of your sentences, or those above, be improved?


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Sentence grammar and information structure

Sentence grammar

In English, the expected direction of information flow during communication is linear. In

writing, the direction is from the left to the right, and this order is reflected by written grammar.

Simple written statements have an S+V(+O) structure—that is, the Subject (S) comes before

the Verb (V) and if the verb is transitive, then its Object (O) is last, as in the sentence “We did

a telephone poll”. This structure gives information on who or what did what. The basic

S+V(+O) message unit is called a clause.

There may also be Adverbials (or Adjuncts; labelled A) that describe circumstance such as

time, manner, location, reason, means, and purpose. Adverbials have variable positioning

and give information on how, why, where, and when. An example of an S+V+O+A clause

pattern is “We did a telephone poll in Hong Kong”.

There are also other types of clause pattern, such as S+V+Subject Complement, where a

Subject Complement is a noun or adjective that defines, describes, or completes information

about the Subject. A Subject Complement usually comes after a linking verb such as “be”,

“seem”, or “become” (eg, “Many cases of dry mouth are incurable”).

Sentence information structure

As for informational content, a clause normally starts with its grammatical Subject, which acts

as the main reference, character, theme, hook, peg, or Topic of the message (“We…”).

The rest of the clause gives information or a Comment about that internal reference or topic

(“…did a telephone poll”). This Topic+Comment structure is also sometimes called

Topic+Focus, or Theme+Rheme (or Theme+New, although the comment part may not always

be “new” information). A consequence of the linear, progressive flow of information is that the

most important part of the message—its main point—is usually reserved for the end of the

clause. This characteristic is known as “end-focus”. For example, this sentence emphasises

important information at the end by using a particular punctuation mark: the colon.

A sentence can be made up of more than one clause joined with conjunctions. Coordinating

conjunctions (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so, known as the “fanboys” conjunctions from their

initial letters) join independent clauses, whereas subordinating conjunctions (eg, because,

although, while, when, whereas) join a dependent clause to an independent clause.

Before reading on, find some academic texts (eg, journal

articles*) and think about how information is presented in sentences.

*Examples: http://jama.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=186274 http://www.nature.com/ebd/journal/v7/n2/pdf/6400392a.pdf http://www.nature.com/bdj/journal/v199/n7/pdf/4812740a.pdf

http://jama.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=186274

http://www.nature.com/ebd/journal/v7/n2/pdf/6400392a.pdf

http://www.nature.com/bdj/journal/v199/n7/pdf/4812740a.pdf


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Each clause contains its own Clause Topic (the phrase containing the grammatical Subject)

and Clause Comment (the rest of the clause). In turn, the first clause in a multiclause

sentence often contains the topic of the whole sentence—the Sentence Topic—and the rest

of the sentence is the Sentence Comment. For example:

Some clinicians define xerostomia as the subjective feeling of dry mouth, and they call the objective symptom hyposalivation or hypoptyalism. Clause Topic Clause Comment Clause Topic Clause Comment

Sentence Topic Sentence Comment

When clauses are joined together into sentences, information can be streamlined in a few

ways to make communication more efficient. For example:

(1) A noun phrase in the Sentence Topic may be (a) changed into a pronoun, or (b)

omitted, when it is referred to in the Sentence Comment (“Dry mouth can worsen

oral health and it can even reduce quality of life”, or “Dry mouth can worsen oral

health and can even reduce quality of life”).

(2) Similarly, if a later clause shares a helping verb (eg, be, have, do, can) with an earlier

clause, this verb may also be omitted (“Dry mouth can worsen oral health and even

reduce quality of life”).

Sometimes, the whole first clause can be a “topic clause” and act as the Sentence Topic. In

these cases, clarification may be needed to refer back to the correct subject (known as the

referent or antecedent). You must be clear whether you are referring back to an element

within the first clause, or the whole first clause.

For example, “Dry mouth can worsen oral health; this can also reduce quality of life” is

ambiguous and needs revision, as it is unclear what “this” refers to. The sentence could mean

(a) “Dry mouth can worsen oral health and even reduce quality of life” (=dry mouth affects not

only oral health but also speaking and eating, so it could affect quality of life in many ways) or

(b) “Dry mouth can worsen oral health and consequently reduce quality of life” (=dry mouth

leads to mouth problems such as bad breath and tooth decay, which in turn reduce quality of

life). Both alternatives are true, but sentence (a) can imply both direct and indirect

mechanisms.

Suggested answers:

Because of the end-focus principle, the most important information often appears in either

the whole of the last clause in the sentence, or the very end of it.

The Sentence Topic is shown below in bold, and the Sentence Comment is underlined.

There is also an additional Clause Topic in sentence (1), “not much”, within the Sentence

Before reading on, mark the Sentence Topic and Comment,

and identify the main message in the five sentences above (page 3).


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Comment. Clause boundaries are shown with a vertical line. The main message of each

sentence is shown in italics and explained in brackets.

(1) We did a telephone poll among a random selection of Hong Kong residents, | as

not much is known in this city about the prevalence and severity of dry mouth, its

causes and effects, people’s ways of coping, and professional oral care received for

the condition. (The main message is in the sentence end-focus = Sentence

Comment, about the reason for and importance of the study.)

(2) Dry mouth has numerous causes—for example, anxiety, some systemic diseases,

use of certain drugs, and head or neck radiotherapy. (The main message is in the

sentence end-focus = Sentence Comment as exemplification of a wide range of

causes.)

(3) Dry mouth can worsen oral health | and even reduce quality of life. (The second

clause shares the noun phrase of the first clause as its Clause Topic. The main

message is in the sentence end-focus = second Clause Comment within Sentence

Comment, about an additional and larger negative consequence.)

(4) Dry mouth, | also known as xerostomia, | is defined as the perceived or actual

reduction in the production or flow of saliva. (The Sentence Topic has an “embedded”

clause in it that shares the same first noun phrase. The main message is in the

sentence end-focus = Sentence Comment giving definitions.)

(5) Many cases of dry mouth are incurable | but can be managed by methods of

symptomatic relief and regular visits to a dentist. (The second clause shares the noun

phrase of the first clause as its Clause topic. The main message is in the sentence

end-focus = second Clause Comment within Sentence Comment, to counter the

absoluteness implied in the first Clause Comment.)

As we can see, sentences 2 to 5 present different facts about dry mouth. Sentence 1 is

different from the others because it describes what the new research is about and why it was

done. We are now ready to form a coherent message that organises the different bits of

information logically.

(2) Combining sentences into a paragraph

First, find some academic texts and look at paragraphs

half-way through the document. How is the information structured?


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Paragraph structure

For now, we are looking at typical paragraphs in the middle portion of a document, which are

known as body paragraphs.

Paragraphs help organise and package information, with each paragraph usually referring to

only one main idea. As clauses join to form sentences, and sentences form paragraphs, the

Topic-Comment structure repeats on a larger scale. Thus, a paragraph typically begins with

the Paragraph Topic followed by the Paragraph Comment. Furthermore, the end-focus

principle applies again but on a larger scale—namely, the last sentence of the paragraph is

often the most important message.

The first sentence of a body paragraph is often the “topic sentence” or “focus sentence”,

representing the Paragraph Topic. This sentence starts with the Sentence Topic followed by

a “controlling idea” as the Sentence Comment. The controlling idea is the author’s view,

attitude, assertion, claim, or chosen aspect about the topic. If the topic sentence is “Dry

mouth has numerous causes”, then that is also the Paragraph Topic. The Sentence Topic is

“Dry mouth” and the controlling idea is that it “has numerous causes”. Those causes would

be named and discussed in the rest of the paragraph.

The rest of the paragraph can be viewed as the Paragraph Comment and is made up of

“supporting sentences”. The supporting sentences develop, elaborate, or support the

controlling idea somehow. Some methods of doing this are as follows:

Exemplification,

Explanation,

Argumentation, justification, persuasion,

Description (eg, classification, general to progressively specific aspects, tracking

chronology or process, least to most important aspect or vice versa,

problem/solution), or

Analysis, evaluation (eg, comparison/contrast, weighing pros/cons).

The end-focus of the Paragraph Comment is usually, but not always, a mini-conclusion in the

last sentence of the paragraph. In this “concluding sentence”, you can do several things:

Summarise the paragraph,

Re-emphasise the topic sentence without repetition,

Make a personal comment (eg, make a criticism, take a stance),

Suggest an implication,

Note a pattern or an exception, or

Make a recommendation on what has been presented so far.

The concluding sentence may sometimes act as a transition to the next paragraph by hinting

at what will come next.


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Suggested response:

The first sentence is the topic sentence and contains the Paragraph Topic (shown in bold,

below). Within this sentence, the Sentence Topic is dental/oral infections and the Sentence

Comment, or controlling idea (underlined, below), is an association with disease in the whole

body. The Paragraph Topic prepares the reader for what is to come next, which here is

exemplification. The Paragraph Comment, as the rest of the paragraph, illustrates one

association between dental/oral infection and systemic disease. Specifically, authors of three

studies are named with reporting verbs (shown in italics, below), followed by evidence that

oral infection—including gum infection and bone loss due to serious gum disease—is linked

to stroke. This body paragraph does not have a concluding sentence.

Dental infections have been linked to other systemic disorders. For

example, Grau et al [reference] found that chronic dental infections,

especially periodontal infections, were associated with an increased risk

for cerebrovascular ischemia….In a longitudinal study, Beck et al

[reference] found that individuals with a large amount of periodontal bone

loss at baseline had almost 3 times the odds of developing stroke as

those with little or no initial periodontal bone loss. Loesche et al

[reference] reported similar results in a cross-sectional study of elderly

men.

Here, the writers choose to use the researcher names as three Sentence Topics, probably

since they want to contrast the study types in the last two sentences (longitudinal versus

cross-sectional). It is usually viewed as poor style to keep that pattern throughout the whole

article (but these writers do not), because it sounds too repetitive and list-like, and the thread

of the argument can become unclear. The argument’s coherence and readability are helped

in this passage by some strategies:

Before reading on, identify the information structure of one of

your chosen body paragraphs, or the following sample:

Dental infections have been linked to other systemic disorders. For example,

Grau et al [reference] found that chronic dental infections, especially

periodontal infections, were associated with an increased risk for

cerebrovascular ischemia….In a longitudinal study, Beck et al [reference]

found that individuals with a large amount of periodontal bone loss at baseline

had almost 3 times the odds of developing stroke as those with little or no

initial periodontal bone loss. Loesche et al [reference] reported similar results

in a cross-sectional study of elderly men.

[Based on text from a “contempo update” by Slavin HC and Baum BJ, JAMA 2000;284:1215-7.]

Paragraph Topic (Topic+ Controlling idea)

Paragraph Comment, as 3 sentences with authors as their Sentence Topics and study findings as Sentence Comments


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(1) Repetition of key words or concepts: the repeated parallel pairing of two key concepts

from the Paragraph Topic (first sentence).




cerebrovascular ischemia….In a longitudinal study, Beck et al [reference] found

that individuals with a large amount of periodontal bone loss at baseline had

almost 3 times the odds of developing stroke as those with little or no initial

periodontal bone loss. Loesche et al [reference] reported similar results in a

cross-sectional study of elderly men.

(2) Use of linkers: Another method of linking information is to use linking words and phrases

that show logical relationships between ideas (eg, to indicate addition, examples, similarity,

difference, order, consequence, alternatives, conclusion, emphasis, repetition, purpose,

conditions, and generalisation). Some linkers connect sentences, such as the connectives

“For example” and “Furthermore”, which often introduce a sentence. Some linkers are

conjunctions that link clauses, such as “in order to” and “although”. Some linkers are

adjectives or adverbs that imply relationships, like “other”, “similar”, and “especially”.




cerebrovascular ischemia….In a longitudinal study, Beck et al [reference] found

that individuals with a large amount of periodontal bone loss at baseline had

almost 3 times the odds of developing stroke as those with little or no initial

periodontal bone loss. Loesche et al [reference] reported similar results in a

cross-sectional study of elderly men.

The “other” in the first sentence implies that the previous paragraph was also about dental

infections being linked to one or more named systemic diseases (actually, cardiovascular

disease). Linking words can thus help paragraphs link to each other, too.

(3) Use of pronouns: An example of pronoun use to refer back to an earlier noun can be

found in the third sentence in the passage above. The pronoun “those” lets the writers avoid

direct repetition of the polysyllabic word “individuals”: “In a longitudinal study, Beck et al

[reference] found that individuals with a large amount of periodontal bone loss at baseline had

almost 3 times the odds of developing stroke as those with little or no initial periodontal bone

loss”. Pronouns can also link to a noun in the previous sentence (an example can be found in

the next Text Box).

Find another text and in some body paragraphs, identify the Paragraph Topic

(topic + controlling idea). Can you predict what the paragraph will be about? In the

Paragraph Comment, does the writer use parallel structures with author’s names as

Sentence Topics? Are key terms repeated, and are they repeated in parallel order?

Are linking words used to link clauses, sentences, and paragraphs? Are pronouns

used to link clauses or sentences? Do the starts of paragraphs relate to the ends of

the preceding paragraphs?


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Suggested response:

In this passage, the writers use the organising principle of information chaining, so

something from a sentence is mentioned in the next one. The Paragraph Topic as the whole

first sentence is referred to in the Sentence Topic of the next sentence in the pronoun “these”

(“The most common of these” = The most common of [several age-associated medically

significant oral problems that can be expected to increase during the coming decades]). The

phrase in the second sentence that refers back to already given information in the first

sentence has been marked in bold below. Then, new information is presented as the

Sentence Comment (underlined).

Several age-associated medically significant oral problems can be expected to

increase during the coming decades. The most common of these is drug-

induced salivary hypofunction [reference].

This Given-New relationship refers to how the beginning and end of a sentence typically

differ in newsworthiness. It also relates the sentence to what has been mentioned before,

usually in the preceding sentence, because previously presented information is all now

treated as “old” or “given”. This Given-New pattern is also known as Old-New, Known-

Unknown, or Background-Focus.

Because already known or previously mentioned material is included in the Sentence Topic,

the Sentence Topic acts as a mini-introduction to new information appearing in the Sentence

Comment. New information thus has a context and it is gradually and sequentially added. The

effect is also helped by the end-focus principle, since we tend to expect the most important

message (ie, the most newsworthy) to come at the end of each sentence. For example:

As readers, we usually expect that the newest and freshest part of a message comes at a particular place in the sentence: right at the end. Sentence Topic Sentence Comment

Before reading on, what other strategies can be used to

keep text hanging together, as shown in this passage?



induced salivary hypofunction [reference]. Complaints of dry mouth have been

associated with approximately 400 pharmaceutical agents that are currently

used in the United States. Patients with drug-induced dry mouth experience

the same clinical consequences as patients with Sjögren syndrome. In some

patients, these adverse effects can also reduce drug compliance.


The word “these” refers to already GIVEN information. The underlined information is NEW.

GIVEN NEW MOST IMPORTANT a


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Suggested response:

The third sentence of the text (below) also has a Given-New information structure. The

previous new information (italics) is now treated as given information and is referred to

indirectly via a near-synonym (salivary hypofunction = dry mouth) in the next Sentence Topic

(in bold). The new information is the Sentence Comment about dry mouth being a side

effect of about 400 drugs (underlined).



induced salivary hypofunction [reference]. Complaints of dry mouth have

been associated with approximately 400 pharmaceutical agents that are

currently used in the United States.

The fourth sentence also uses a Given-New structure, this time with the Sentence Topic

developing given information from the whole previous sentence (italics), by focusing on

affected patients.





used in the United States. Patients with drug-induced dry mouth experience

the same clinical consequences as patients with Sjögren syndrome.

The final sentence has as its Sentence Topic an introductory phrase (“In some patients”) for

orientation and context, so as to qualify or limit the grammatical Subject “these adverse

effects”. “These” refers back to “same clinical consequences…” in the previous sentence,

thereby again demonstrating Given-New sequencing.





used in the United States. Patients with drug-induced dry mouth experience the

same clinical consequences as patients with Sjögren syndrome. In some

patients, these adverse effects can also reduce drug compliance.

Before reading on, find other examples of Given-New

relationships between sentences in the passage in the previous Text Box.


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Did you notice:

(1) The passage was easy to follow despite the medical terms because of the Given-New

information ordering, and because the writers keep to the familiar S+V(+O) structure, keeping

the grammatical Subject (shown in bold, below) close to the Verb group (underlined).

Several age-associated medically significant oral problems can be

expected to increase during the coming decades. The most common of these

is drug-induced salivary hypofunction [reference]. Complaints of dry mouth

have been associated with approximately 400 pharmaceutical agents that are

currently used in the United States. Patients with drug-induced dry mouth

experience the same clinical consequences as patients with Sjögren syndrome.

In some patients, these adverse effects can also reduce drug compliance.

In the last sentence, the writers keep the Subject and the Verb group close together and

without intervening text, by starting the sentence with an introductory Adverbial (a

prepositional phrase, “in some patients”). Compare these two sentences (Subject in bold,

Verb group underlined): “In some patients, these adverse effects can also reduce drug

compliance” is easier to understand than “These adverse effects in some patients can also

reduce drug compliance”.

(2) The middle 3 sentences had relatively short grammatical Subjects in the Sentence Topics

followed by longer Sentence Comments. This feature of information structure is known as

end-weight.

Bottom-heavy sentences (long Sentence Comments) are easier to understand than top-heavy

sentences (long Sentence Topics), since we don’t have to remember too much background

information while waiting for the main point. Top-heaviness can be avoided by the following:

Having short structures as grammatical Subjects,

Keeping the Subject close to the Verb group, and

Having Topic-Comment structures that have a short-long pattern.

Compare these two sentences (Subject in bold, Verb group underlined): “Complaints of dry

mouth have been associated with approximately 400 pharmaceutical agents that are

currently used in the United States” is easier to understand than “Approximately 400

pharmaceutical agents that are currently used in the United States have been associated

with complaints of dry mouth”.

(3) One criticism of the paragraph in Text Box 8 is that although sentences display sequential

chaining and coherence, the Paragraph Comment does not exactly explain the information in

the Paragraph Topic. One might expect the writers to spell out that as people get older, they

get more diseases and need more drugs than younger people, and hence will experience the

side effect of dry mouth more often. This fact is probably already assumed to be well

understood by the journal readers (physicians) and part of the collective background

knowledge.

Find another academic text and in the body paragraphs, see if the writer uses the

Given-New pattern in sentences to help the information flow logically between

sentences. Does the writer refer back to information with pronouns, synonyms, near-


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synonyms, and repeated words? Does the writer stick to S+V(+O) structure. Does

the writer avoid top-heavy sentences by keeping the S+V close together, and the

Sentence Topic short and near the beginning of the sentence?

The Topic-Comment sequence within a sentence often corresponds to the Given-

New order of information status, and explicit signposting is sometimes used in an

introductory clause (eg, “Given the previous argument,…”; “Given this

perspective,…”) or a phrase (eg, “For this/that reason,…”; “Of these factors,…”).

However, it is also possible to have Topic-Comment as New-Given. Can you find any

examples? What do you think is the effect, or the reason? Similarly, reversing the

order of Subject+Verb in a statement can be used in special constructions (eg,

“Under no circumstances…”). Can you find any examples?

(3) Drafting and combining paragraphs

It may be tempting to simply clump sentences together to create a paragraph, with coherence

relying on repeating key words (shown in bold, below) and adding linkers (underlined).

However, this approach actually does not help in communicating a clear and logical message.

The text just sounds repetitive and list-like:

We did a telephone poll among a random selection of Hong Kong residents,

as not much is known in this city about the prevalence and severity of dry

mouth, its causes and effects, people’s ways of coping, and professional oral

care received for the condition. Dry mouth has numerous causes—for

example, anxiety, some systemic diseases, the use of certain drugs, and

head or neck radiotherapy. Dry mouth can worsen oral health and even

Now comment on the information structure of the

following draft of our paragraph about dry mouth.

We did a telephone poll among a random selection of Hong Kong residents, as

not much is known in this city about the prevalence and severity of dry mouth,

its causes and effects, people’s ways of coping, and professional oral care

received for the condition. Dry mouth has numerous causes—for example,

anxiety, some systemic diseases, the use of certain drugs, and head or neck

radiotherapy. Dry mouth can worsen oral health and even reduce quality of life.

Dry mouth, also known as xerostomia, is defined as the perceived or actual

reduction in the production or flow of saliva. Many cases of dry mouth are

incurable but can be managed by methods of symptomatic relief and regular

visits to a dentist.


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reduce quality of life. Furthermore, dry mouth, also known as xerostomia, is

defined as the perceived or actual reduction in the production or flow of

saliva. Finally, many cases of dry mouth are incurable but can be managed

by methods of symptomatic relief and regular visits to a dentist.

Following the organising principles mentioned already, we could treat the first sentence as the

topic sentence and hence Paragraph Topic. We can make sure it is developed by elaborating

concepts (topic in bold, and controlling idea underlined) in the rest of the paragraph.

We did a telephone poll among a random selection of Hong Kong

residents, as not much is known in this city about the prevalence and

severity of dry mouth, its causes and effects, people’s ways of coping, and

professional oral care received for the condition.

However, the other four sentences do not really support the Paragraph Topic, since they are

known facts about dry mouth. The paragraph also starts too suddenly. Perhaps one of the

four sentences could go first, to provide the reader with a General Orientation (here, as a

definition of dry mouth):


reduction in the production or flow of saliva. We did a telephone poll among a

random selection of Hong Kong residents, as not much is known in this city

about the prevalence and severity of dry mouth, its causes and effects,

people’s ways of coping, and professional oral care received for the condition.

The reader would then expect the remainder of the paragraph to directly relate to the

Paragraph Topic, about your new study. There are two main ways you could draft the

paragraph by using Given-New structures in the Paragraph Comment.

(1) You could use parallel Given-New structures, by repeatedly referring to the

Sentence Topic “We did a telephone poll among a random selection of Hong Kong residents”

in the Topic position of all sentences as Given information. Remember to try to make the

Given sections short and the New sections longer, to keep the end-weight principle. The

paragraph then focuses on the study method you propose:


reduction in the production or flow of saliva. We did a telephone poll among

a random selection of Hong Kong residents, as not much is known in this

city about the prevalence and severity of dry mouth, its causes and effects,


Polling the local population by telephone is important because the

information can be used to plan local public health campaigns. The method

of telephone polling is fast but needs to be representative of the citizens.

Our specific dialling protocol followed a stratified sampling technique that

has been used by other public health polls. Our chosen telephoning

method therefore yielded reliable and useful information on dry mouth in our

community.

Each piece of Given information (in bold) is similar (the sentences all have similar Sentence Topics)


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(2) Alternatively, you could use serial Given-New structures, by referring to the

Sentence Comment “as not much is known in this city about the prevalence and severity of

dry mouth, its causes and effects, people’s ways of coping, and professional oral care

received for the condition” (underlined) in the next Sentence Topic (bold). Each new

Sentence Comment, or its end-focus, then appears in the next Sentence Topic as Given

information. Again, ensure the length of text for each Given-New pair is Short-Long. The

paragraph then elaborates the controlling idea in the Paragraph Topic and presents the

reason you did your study:


reduction in the production or flow of saliva. We did a telephone poll among a

random selection of Hong Kong residents, as not much is known in this city

about the prevalence and severity of dry mouth, its causes and effects,


Knowing this information would allow public health campaigns to be

developed, so as to raise general awareness about dry mouth and its

management. Public awareness is important because without proper

management, dry mouth makes other oral problems much more likely.

These problems often include tooth decay, gum disease, and bad breath.

Such effects, together with impaired eating and speaking, mean that if

untreated, dry mouth can considerably reduce quality of life.

Suggested response:

The second version of the paragraph is more effective because it builds the story line by

introducing new ideas sequentially while supporting the controlling idea. It thus moves the

message forward in a linear way, and it convincingly gives different reasons for why the new

study is important. The reader is thus more likely to read more.

The first version, by contrast, has a cyclic information structure. The Sentence Topics are all

similar, but this may be unavoidable if different aspects of the same topic are presented. The

message here stays on the subject of the study method chosen. The message is an

argument for the validity of the study methodology, in an attempt to make the study sound

believable and worthwhile. Although that is an important thing to do, doing so now seems too

early in the text. The information also doesn’t quite link to the very first sentence introducing

the concept of dry mouth.

Before reading on, consider which version is better, and

what other improvements can be made.

Each piece of New information (underlined) is used as Given information (bold) in the next sentence


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In practice, you could use both serial and parallel Given-New patterns of information flow for

sentence variety, and depending on what you choose to focus on. However, you also need to

stick to one main idea per paragraph. If you have many points to make or if there are many

angles to an issue, split up paragraphs as needed. For example, for our text on dry mouth, a

later paragraph with its own topic and controlling idea could be devoted to justifying the study

methodology.

Further improvement could be made in both versions by explaining the link between the first

and second sentences. The transition is currently too sudden. The reader expects a gradual

and logical progression, such as General to Specific, Specific to General, Problem to

Solution, Chronological, Reverse Chronological, Cause-Effect, Effect-Cause, Whole to

Parts, Parts to Whole, or Global to Local. In addition, the paragraph seems to be the very

first paragraph of the whole text, either as an Introduction section, or as the first paragraph

of an Introduction. Introductions have a special structure, as shown in the following example.

The Introduction

The Introduction is an important part of the text—sometimes as a separate section,

sometimes just the first paragraph. It presents the context, theme, and aim of the whole text.

It also creates interest and convinces the reader to read on.

The Introduction uses the same strategies as regular, body paragraphs (Topic-Comment

structure, Given-New ordering, topic sentence consisting of topic+controlling idea, supporting

sentences, concluding sentence, end-focus, and end-weight). However, the topic sentence

of an Introduction is usually near the end of the Introduction, and it is now called the thesis

Find the background, topic sentence (topic+controlling

idea), and aim in this Introduction of an academic text:

The classic dental diseases, caries and periodontal diseases, are commonly

thought to have little effect on systemic health. These diseases result from

infections by microbes with highly specific adhesion mechanisms in the mouth

[reference]…..Systemic complications from oral microbes are usually thought to

be confined to only a few specific clinical scenarios, such as bacterial

endocarditis [reference]. Given this perspective, it is understandable that

primary care physicians pay little attention to oral microbial infections and

dental diseases [reference].

However, in view of the results of recent studies…, such inattention can

no longer be justified [references]. Additionally,…an aging population will

increasingly present medically significant oral problems. In this article, we

review recent studies on dental disease prevalence, the systemic impact of

dental infections, and age-associated oral medical problems.



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statement, consisting of the topic (in bold, in the annotated text below) and the controlling

idea (underlined) for the whole text.

The information before the thesis statement is known as the background, context, or

orientation to the subject matter. There is sometimes a Background Paragraph, with the

most important points appearing at the start and end (in italics, below, corresponding to the

Paragraph Topic and Paragraph Comment’s end-focus). Basic definitions and general

features are typically given in the Background Paragraph, and the story progresses from

General to Specific features, like a funnel shape. In this way, the reader is gradually

prepared for the main argument or idea proposed in the thesis statement.

The very end of the Introduction often has a statement of purpose (last sentence, below),

which gives the approach taken (here, a review) and lists some main points to support the

controlling idea. We expect the main points to be discussed in the rest of the text.

The classic dental diseases, caries and periodontal diseases, are

commonly thought to have little effect on systemic health. These

diseases result from infections by microbes with highly specific

adhesion mechanisms in the mouth [reference]…..Systemic

complications from oral microbes are usually thought to be confined

to only a few specific clinical scenarios, such as bacterial

endocarditis [reference]. Given this perspective, it is understandable

that primary care physicians pay little attention to oral microbial

infections and dental diseases [reference].

However, in view of the results of recent studies…, such

inattention can no longer be justified [references]. Additionally,…an

aging population will increasingly present medically significant oral

problems. In this article, we review recent studies on dental disease

prevalence, the systemic impact of dental infections, and age-

associated oral medical problems.

Continuing the Topic-Comment hierarchy from clause to sentence to paragraph to complete

text, the thesis statement represents the focus or agenda of the whole text, and can be

treated as the Text Topic. The remainder of the text after the Introduction represents the

Text Comment. Following the end-focus principle, the very end of the whole text is the most

important message, representing the recap of the article’s main point, or Conclusion.

A piece of text thus usually has an Introduction-Body-Conclusion structure. The

corresponding paragraphs are Introduction paragraph/s – Body (or “supporting”) paragraphs

– Concluding paragraph. This pattern matches the well-known presentation tip of “Tell them

what you’re going to tell them, tell them, and then tell them what you told them”.

Before reading on, improve our Introduction on dry mouth,

using our five Quiz sentences in an appropriate order.

Paragraph Topic of background paragraph (General background)

End-focus of Paragraph Comment (Specific background)

Text Topic or Thesis statement (topic+ controlling idea for rest of article)

End-focus = Statement of Purpose

Topic sentence Supporting sentences Concluding sentence

Topic sentence Supporting sentence Concluding sentence


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Suggested response:

We need to present information logically starting with the general topic (“Dry mouth, also

known as xerostomia, is defined as the perceived or actual reduction in the production or flow

of saliva”) and gradually leading to the Text Topic at the end of the paragraph (“We did a

telephone poll among a random selection of Hong Kong residents, as not much is known in

this city about the prevalence and severity of dry mouth, its causes and effects, people’s ways

of coping, and professional oral care received for the condition”).

We could re-order the five sentences to follow expected General-Specific, Cause-Effect,

Problem-Solution patterns:

(1) (originally 4; Background, definition, general topic) Dry mouth, also known as

xerostomia, is defined as the perceived or actual reduction in the production

or flow of saliva.

(2) (originally 2: causes) Dry mouth has numerous causes—for example, anxiety,

some systemic diseases, the use of certain drugs, and head or neck

radiotherapy.

(3) (originally 3; effects, problems) Dry mouth can worsen oral health and even

reduce quality of life.

(4) (originally 5; solutions) Many cases of dry mouth are incurable but can be

managed by methods of symptomatic relief and regular visits to a dentist.

(5) (originally 1: Text Topic, specific topic+controlling idea as action+reason) We

did a telephone poll among a random selection of Hong Kong residents, as

not much is known in this city about the prevalence and severity of dry mouth,


received for the condition.

Although the parallel Given-New pattern can be used to elaborate the same topic (“dry

mouth”), more than two identical Sentence Topics in a row sounds too repetitive. We could

avoid direct repetition by doing the following:

(1) Use pronouns (“it” in the second sentence, below),

(2) Use category words (“condition” in the third sentence), and

(3) Use ellipsis (deletion of “dry mouth” in the penultimate sentence).


reduction in the production or flow of saliva. It has numerous causes—for

example, anxiety, some systemic diseases, the use of certain drugs, and

head or neck radiotherapy. The condition can worsen oral health and even

reduce quality of life. Many cases are incurable but can be managed by

methods of symptomatic relief and regular visits to a dentist. We did a

telephone poll among a random selection of Hong Kong residents, as not

much is known in this city about the prevalence and severity of dry mouth, its

causes and effects, people’s ways of coping, and professional oral care



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Other ways of avoiding repeated wording in the Sentence Topics are as follows:

(4) Split up or combine sentences (the second sentence has now been split up, as below),

(5) Use an introductory phrase putting the topic in a prepositional phrase using “of” (“As a

consequence of dry mouth” in the fourth sentence),

(6) Use a subordinating clause (“Although many cases are incurable” in the fifth sentence),

(7) Reverse the Given-New order of information with use of the passive voice (ie, put the

object of an active sentence as the subject + BE + past participle, as in the second sentence

below, “Numerous causes have been reported…”; that sentence now uses a New-Given

pattern for the Sentence Topic+Comment)*

(8) Use a demonstrative determiner (this/these/that/those) and category word in a

prepositional phrase (“for this condition” in the second sentence).


reduction in the production or flow of saliva. Numerous causes have been

reported in the literature for this condition. Examples are anxiety, some

systemic diseases, the use of certain drugs, and head or neck radiotherapy.

As a consequence of dry mouth, oral health and even quality of life can be

reduced. Although many cases are incurable, they can be managed by

methods of symptomatic relief and regular visits to a dentist. We did a

telephone poll among a random selection of Hong Kong residents, as not

much is known in this city about the prevalence and severity of dry mouth, its

causes and effects, people’s ways of coping, and professional oral care


*Another way of reversing Given-New order to become New-Given is to use “There is/are”.

The second sentence could say: “There are numerous reported causes for this condition”.

However, there still seems to be a gap in coherence just before the thesis statement at the

end. The last sentence sounds too sudden, even if we add a linker (“therefore”) to clarify

logical progression. What is needed is a bridge passage to transition to the Hong Kong study.

What are relevant data for other countries? Would we expect Hong Kong to have data? Why

is the study important? Actually, the last sentence sounds more like a statement of purpose,

and it would be better to put it in a closing paragraph, after having explained the logic leading

up to the Hong Kong study. It would be useful to look at examples of primary research articles

to get an idea of what is usually done for Introductions.

(4) Recognising written research style

Academic research articles have evolved certain conventions of formality and format to ease

reading and documentation. Some conventions have become regulations for authors to follow

when submitting manuscripts to the journal editors for peer review before acceptance into the

journal and hence the formal body of science. One common requirement is the AIMRaD

format—Abstract, Introduction, Methods, Results, and Discussion. These sections are not

necessarily always in that order and with those headings, but they are usually present.

Sometimes, the sections repeat in longer articles, complex studies, or research theses (eg,

[Introduction, Methods/Results, Methods/Results, … Discussion] or [Introduction,

Methods/Results/Discussion, Methods/Results/Discussion, …Overall Discussion]).


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Suggested response:

The Abstract is a stand-alone summary of the article, and it may be one continuous

paragraph or itemised (or “structured”) with subheadings such as Context, Aim, Methodology,

Results, and Conclusion.

In the main text, the Introduction is always the first section and it may or may not have a

heading. This section answers the questions “What” and “Why?” and has an information

sequence of General-to-Specific. The Methods section answers the question “How?”. It

usually follows the Introduction, but it may appear at the very end in a smaller font size, or

even in an online archive with only brief details given in the figure or table legends in the

Results section. The Discussion or Comment is where the author evaluates the validity and

reliability of the results, proposes how they fit into the existing body of science, draws

implications, and anticipates questions that the reader may have. This section answers the

questions “So what?” and “Now what?”, and takes on the information sequence of Specific-

to-General. Sometimes there is a separate Conclusion section after the Discussion, and

sometimes it is included somewhere (usually at the end) in the Discussion.

The sections after the Abstract roughly correspond to Introduction-Body-Conclusion

paragraphing and the Topic-Comment-End-focus structure sequence, as follows:

Introduction Introduction Text Topic

Methods }

Results } Body Text Comment

Discussion: Discussion }

+

Conclusion Conclusion End-focus

In some primary research articles*, can you identify the

AIMRaD structure and also the information structure of the Introduction? *Examples: http://archotol.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=484161 http://jdr.sagepub.com/content/85/9/839.full.pdf+html http://www.sciencemag.org/content/187/4182/1196.full.pdf?sid=642ffe0a-78fe-4753-aa90-efc3a8b6aa56 http://www.pnas.org/content/107/34/15193.full.pdf+html?sid=c4dabb7c-e3ed-444c-8bdf-6132c0a8c9df

http://archotol.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=484161

http://jdr.sagepub.com/content/85/9/839.full.pdf+html

http://www.sciencemag.org/content/187/4182/1196.full.pdf?sid=642ffe0a-78fe-4753-aa90-efc3a8b6aa56

http://www.sciencemag.org/content/187/4182/1196.full.pdf?sid=642ffe0a-78fe-4753-aa90-efc3a8b6aa56

http://www.pnas.org/content/107/34/15193.full.pdf+html?sid=c4dabb7c-e3ed-444c-8bdf-6132c0a8c9df

http://www.pnas.org/content/107/34/15193.full.pdf+html?sid=c4dabb7c-e3ed-444c-8bdf-6132c0a8c9df


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Regarding the Introduction section of a primary research article, the following story functions

(and structures in brackets) will typically appear in this order, in one or more paragraphs:

(1) General Orientation to introduce the general research area (may have its own

Paragraph Topic [topic+controlling idea] + Paragraph Comment structure + End-

focus)

(2) Narrowing the Focus (may have its own Paragraph Topic [topic+controlling idea]

+ Paragraph Comment structure + End-focus)

(3) Specific Orientation to highlight the need for the current study and its

importance, leading the study’s aim, as reflected by a Thesis Statement (Text Topic

[topic+controlling idea]) and/or Statement of Purpose (End-focus)

Introductions of research articles

The Introduction invites the reader to read on, and sets up expectations regarding the study

question that will be answered later. The Introduction often takes on the combined roles of a

Gap Analysis, Problem-Solution Analysis, and Means Analysis.

For a typical primary research article, there is an expected, formulaic “story line” to introduce

your research to the world of science and scientists and to try to establish its position within

the existing body of science. There is also a personal goal for the author to win acceptance

by the scientific community, in terms of proving research performance, reporting quality,

scientific contribution, and so on. The aim is to gain, build, or maintain a reputation in the

field, akin to sending off a CV or CV cover letter, or making a personal sales pitch.

The following functional elements are commonly seen in introductions:

Function Feature

(scientific/archiving role)

Role in story

line (text role)

Role in CV

(personal role) 1. General

Orientation

Introducing the general research area and its

importance

Setting the scene Gaining readers’

interest in you

2. Narrowing

the Focus

Briefly reviewing the past literature and

current state of knowledge as a point of

reference, and usually as a way of

introducing approaches, definitions,

assumptions, theories, models, or important

variables that are part of your study (may

include your past studies)

Introducing the plot

and main

characters/issues;

mentioning

who/what/when/whe

re/why/how, as the

background to

complications

stated in next part

Setting up your

CV sales pitch

with relevant

background;

highlighting your

past contributions;

showing

knowledge of the

field and your

peers;

demonstrating

expertise in

reporting/citation

3. Specific

Orientation

(can recur with step

(2) in multiple

“Problem-Solution-

Evaluation-New

Problem”

structures)

Identifying main persistent knowledge gaps,

main problem area/s, or flaws with past

approaches or interpretations

Describing

complications that

are relevant to your

own story (your

current research)

Developing the

sales pitch;

justifying the need

for further work

such as your

study


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4. Thesis

Statement

(optional;

sometimes only

implied by step (3)

or (5) in a

“Problem-Proposed

Solution” structure)

Nominating a specific problem area and/or

research question that will be addressed in

your study; often includes an assertion or

general hypothesis

Highlighting a

specific

complication and

possible resolution

Preparing for your

unique selling

point / unique

brand offer

5. Statement of

Purpose

Proposing the current research as a solution

to the problem, sometimes including specific

study questions and study hypotheses, the

approach taken, or other supporting points

(Note that your wording in the Discussion/Conclusion

later on should match your wording used here, as an

Answer to your posed Question)

Promising to

provide a resolution

Offering your

unique selling

point

6. Value claim

(optional, variable

order)

Justifying the approach or methodology used

and establishing the importance of the study

and quality/value of the evidence

Evaluating your

proposed solution

Reinforcing your

unique selling

point

7. Content

preview

(optional, near end)

For long or multi-part studies, there may be a

brief list (as continuous text) as a mini-menu

of what contents to expect

Elaborating your

proposed solution;

preparing the

reader by helping to

signpost the text to

come, and hinting

that your study has

delivered its

promise

Elaborating your

unique selling

point; making a

performance

pledge

8. Study

conclusion

preview

(optional, near end)

In some (sub)disciplines and some journals,

the Introduction may end with the “answer” to

the research question and implications

Providing a teaser

to read on

Indicating

fulfilment of the

performance

pledge, and

hinting that your

study has a

contribution to

make to the field

Try to identify the functions above in Introductions in your collected article

samples, or the examples in the links shown in Text Box 14. Do any patterns repeat?

Is the order of elements different? Are any elements missing or are there additional

elements? How effective are those Introductions, and why?

AMA style for Introductions

Since APJOM does not exist, for now you can use a standard house style for biomedical

journals such as AMA (American Medical Association) style. The above functional elements

in an Introduction fulfil the recommendations of the AMA Manual of Style, 10th

edition (New

York: Oxford University Press, 2007), as part of AIMRaD, according to page 25:

The introduction should provide the context for the article, the objective of the study, and should

state the hypothesis or research question (purpose statement), how and why the hypothesis was

developed, and why it is important. It should convince the expert that the authors know the

subject and should fill in gaps for the novice. It should generally not exceed 2 or 3 paragraphs.


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In addition, page 836 states the following for manuscript preparation:

The introduction should include a concise review of the relevant literature to provide a context for

the study question and a rationale for the choice of a particular method. The study hypothesis or

purpose should be clearly stated in the last sentence(s) before the “Methods” section. Results or

conclusions do not belong in the introduction.

Suggested response:

The paragraph, as annotated below, shows that several functional elements are missing:

Dry mouth, also known as xerostomia, is defined as the perceived or

actual reduction in the production or flow of saliva. Numerous causes

have been reported in the literature for this condition. Examples are

anxiety, some systemic diseases, the use of certain drugs, and head or

neck radiotherapy. As a consequence of dry mouth, oral health and even

quality of life can be reduced. Although many cases are incurable, they

can be managed by methods of symptomatic relief and regular visits to a

dentist. We therefore did a telephone poll among a random selection of

Hong Kong residents, as not much is known in this city about the

prevalence and severity of dry mouth, its causes and effects, people’s

ways of coping, and professional oral care received for the condition.

We need to explain the rationale of the new study by including relevant background and a

narrower problem area. We also need to clarify where the current knowledge comes from by

adding citations and paraphrasing or summarising original sources, to avoid plagiarism.

Suggested response:

It would be better to split the paragraph into two, with the first as the Background Paragraph

(now with its own Paragraph Topic). The second paragraph presents the rationale for the

Before reading on, check that the conventional elements

of a research article Introduction are present in our text on dry mouth.

General Orientation

Narrowing the Focus? Specific Orientation?

Statement of Purpose

Can you suggest improvements to the text on dry mouth?


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study. You would need to gather relevant evidence from the literature to fill in suggested gaps

below. Structural elements are shown on the right and functional elements on the left.

Dry mouth, also known as xerostomia, is defined as the perceived

or actual reduction in the production or flow of saliva [reference].

The published literature suggests that this condition has not only

numerous causes but also numerous effects. Examples of causes

are anxiety, some systemic diseases, the use of certain drugs, and

head or neck radiotherapy. As a consequence of dry mouth, oral

health and even quality of life can be reduced [reference]. Although

many cases are incurable, they can be managed by methods of

symptomatic relief and regular visits to a dentist [reference].

{Summary sentence here, with appropriate reference, on the

importance of identifying people with dry mouth at an early stage, so

as to avoid long-term effects.}

{Opening sentence here, with appropriate reference, on the

low public awareness of dry mouth and of the need to seek

professional help.} {Thesis statement here that public health

campaigns on dry mouth would be useful but their effectiveness

would depend on an understanding of the public’s unmet needs.}

{Sentence here about the surprising lack of basic information on dry

mouth even in developed economies, and about the value of doing

a study on a representative sample of the general population.} We

therefore did a telephone poll among a random selection of Hong

Kong residents, as not much is known in this city about the

prevalence and severity of dry mouth, its causes and effects,

people’s ways of coping, and professional oral care received for the

condition.

(5) Writing for an academic journal

A research article records but also represents a contribution to science. To draft an effective

research article, you need to consider both Content and Style of writing, which in turn

requires an understanding of “CAP”: the target Communication vehicle, Audience, and

Purpose. Your choice of target academic journal will determine the type of content you

present, as well as its final style, overall format, arrangement, and presentation.

General Orientation Narrowing the Focus

Before reading on, think about “CAP” factors. How might

they relate to content and style?

Specific Orientation Thesis Statement Value Claim Statement of Purpose (+ Specific Orientation posing as a Value Claim; this sounds weak for the End-Focus and needs further revision)

Background Sentence Topic Sentence Supporting Sentences Concluding Sentence

Background Sentence Topic Sentence Supporting Sentence Concluding Sentence


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Suggested response:

(1) The Communication vehicle here is the specific target journal, since the journal’s special

requirements about content and its “house style” of presentation will affect your article’s

message and style. For example:

What is the subject or discipline scope of the journal?

What document types (types of article) are allowed, as shown in a journal’s table of

contents?

Are there special requirements for format, structure, and presentation for the content,

and for preparing the manuscript submission (“title page”, separation and order of

AIMRaD sections, how to cite material that is not your own, style of referencing,

special declarations, online procedures to follow, etc)?

Are there limitations on total word count, word count of sections, number of

references, or special requirements for illustrations and how they are referred to in

the text?

Are there different requirements in content and organisation/presentation of ideas for

different document types (eg, research article versus case report)?

Do you use formal planned technical style (“The aim of this prospective study was

to…”) or informal spontaneous conversational style (“This is, er…, what we did in our

study...”)?

Is US or UK English preferred? What are the journal’s language conventions (eg,

active or passive preferred? Sjögren syndrome or Sjögren’s syndrome?)

In the scenario in the Quiz above, the eventual aim is to publish a formal primary research

article. The content and presentation of this type of article is different from those of a

secondary research article such as a systematic meta-analysis of already published research.

In turn, research articles are different from case reports, descriptive reviews, media reviews,

technical notes, letters, or editorials.

(2) The Audience here includes journal editors/readers in a particular discipline, who may be

academic or industry professionals, researchers, scientists, and so on.

Are they expected to be generalists or specialists? So, how much background

knowledge can be assumed, and how much detail is needed?

Are there words or phrases understood by the audience to have a slightly different

meaning from those in everyday use (eg, significance, controls) and are there

technical terms already understood by the audience (eg, xerostomia [=dry mouth],

hyposalivation [=reduced saliva production], Sjögren’s syndrome [=disease in which

immune cells destroy certain glands such as saliva and tear glands])?

Does the audience have a preferred or conventional style for technical, academic,

formal language in journals?

Can you anticipate some queries or objections that the audience might have about

your article?

(3) The Purpose includes both textual and social purposes, and it influences the way ideas

are organised and the message is developed. The purpose/s of different sections of the same

document can also vary. Some general examples:

Convincingly proposing new knowledge (showing validity and reliability of evidence,

anticipating criticism, being both accurate and compelling)

Sharing scientific information with peers

Archiving information in a clear, concise, and well-organised way


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Adding to the body of science

Claiming participation/expertise/status in the scientific community

Getting published as a requirement of your job or qualification

Pride of authorship; personal satisfaction; claiming primacy

Building a research history for further funding

The target document type and target journal could actually dictate all three elements above.

In this case, it would thus be a good idea after discussing the target journal with your

supervisor, to obtain the Information for Authors. You can then find out the AIMRaD

structure and preferred section headings for primary research articles. In addition, assuming

the journal is copy- and style-edited by editors who know the house style, you can look at

past articles for preferred reporting style. Examples are the referencing style, types of

headings expected, the technicality expected (“xerostomia” may be the preferred term to “dry

mouth”), US or UK English, preferred punctuation style, and how numbers and statistics are

presented.

Another feature to consider is whether the journal allows you to refer to the authors as “We”.

A long-standing tradition has been that journals expect objective and impersonal reporting of

science through the use of the passive voice, but times are changing. Some journals expect

passive voice mainly in the Methods (to focus on things and processes), whereas some

journals prefer the active voice throughout an article, so sentences are shorter and clearer.

Active or passive voice?

Sentences can be active or passive, and each type highlights different things in the Sentence

Topic, Sentence Comment, and end-focus. In an active sentence, the structure is S+V(+O),

and the grammatical Subject is before the Verb, is the doer (“We”), and is the Sentence Topic

(“We[S]

did[V]

a telephone poll[O]

”). The end-focus is about the Object (“a telephone poll”). We

can rewrite the sentence with a passive verb, so the Object of the active sentence becomes

the Sentence Topic and grammatical Subject (“A telephone poll[S]

was done[V-passive]

by

us[Adverbial]

”). The sentence is now passive and its structure is S+V+Adverbial (not Object). The

Adverbial contains the doer (“us”) in a prepositional phrase (“…by us”).

Passive with Agent

The doer is also called the grammatical “Agent”, and it acts on the “Patient”. In a full passive

sentence, the Subject is the Patient (“A telephone poll[Patient]

was done[V-passive]

by us

[Agent]”),

whereas in an active sentence, the Subject is the Agent (“We[Agent]

did[V]

a telephone

poll[Patient]

”). Although some journals shun the passive voice, it can actually be useful:

(1) Moving the Agent to the end and putting the grammatical Subject close to the

Verb group avoids top-heavy sentences or clumsy clauses. Compare these two

sentences (Subject in bold, Verb group underlined): “Many cases of dry mouth are

incurable but they can be managed by methods of symptomatic relief and regular

visits to a dentist” is easier to understand than “Many cases of dry mouth are

incurable, but patients who have such cases can manage them by using methods of

symptomatic relief and by organising regular visits to a dentist”.

(2) Certain information can be highlighted because of end-focus. Hence, it is the Agent

that takes the position of importance in the Sentence Comment.

(3) If the Agent phrase is long, putting it at the end ensures end-weight (eg, “The

survey was conducted by 20 unpaid postgraduate students who had undergone an

8-hour training session in telephone interviewing”).


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Passive without Agent

In addition, a writer can choose to use an agentless passive sentence by omitting the Agent

from the Sentence Comment (“A telephone poll was done”). Agentless passive sentences are

often found in generalisations (as in this sentence) and in definitions. Compare these two

sentences: “Dry mouth, also known as xerostomia, is defined as the perceived or actual

reduction in the production or flow of saliva” is easier to understand than “Researchers,

clinicians, and the scientific community define dry mouth, which they also know as

xerostomia, as the perceived or actual reduction in the production or flow of saliva”. Omitting

the Agent is useful in the following situations:

(1) If the Agent is not important and does not have to be highlighted,

(2) If the Agent is very general (such as for definitions and widely accepted facts or

assumptions),

(3) If the Agent was someone other than the writer (eg, a technician, other authors),

(4) If the writer doesn’t want to name/blame/shame the Agent, especially if the message

is negative, or

(5) If the writer doesn’t know the Agent’s identity.

Suggested revision:

After considering all the above points, we could revise our Introduction as follows (note: it is a

bit idealised and would need further revision depending on a full literature search for available

evidence, and fine-tuning for a particular journal’s style):

Xerostomia (“dry mouth”) is defined as the perceived or actual reduction in the

production or flow of saliva [reference]. The published literature suggests that

this condition has not only numerous causes but also numerous sequelae.

Examples of causes are anxiety, some systemic diseases, the use of certain

drugs, and head or neck radiotherapy. As a consequence of xerostomia, oral

health and even quality of life can diminish considerably [reference]. Although

many cases are incurable, they can be managed by methods of symptomatic

relief and regular dental visits [reference]. Long-term or serious effects can

usually be avoided if people with xerostomia seek professional health care as

soon as they become aware of symptoms [reference].

However, the general public has a low level of awareness of xerostomia

and the need for timely symptomatic management [reference]. Public health

campaigns on xerostomia would be useful, but their effectiveness would rely on

an understanding of the needs and characteristics of a population. Surprisingly,

there is a paucity of basic information on xerostomia in the general population,

even in developed economies including Hong Kong. In particular, no data have

been published for Hong Kong on the prevalence and severity of xerostomia,


received for the condition. We therefore conducted a telephone poll among a

random selection of adult residents in Hong Kong to obtain relevant self-

reported data that would inform the design of local public health campaigns on

xerostomia.


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Summary

During multiple rounds of drafting, revision, and editing, you need to consider the following to

make your writing effective:

(1) Expand notes clearly and avoid plagiarism by citing specific work that is not your

own; keep Subject and Verb close together; put longer grammatical structures at the

end (end-weight).

(2) Clarify ideas in Clause-Topic structures (Clause Topic+Comment; Sentence

Topic+Comment; Paragraph Topic+Comment; Text Topic+Comment); and keep a

strong end-focus (important message at the end of clauses, sentences, paragraphs,

and in the Conclusion).

(3) Try to keep to the expected Given-New order of presenting information.

(4) Paragraph to isolate and organise ideas, use logical sequences within and between

paragraphs (eg, General to Specific), and keep text coherent (eg, with linkers,

pronouns, repeated key terms).

(5) Take care with the current conventions for each section of a document, such as the

Introduction of a research article (eg, give known and general information first, justify

the need for and the quality of the study, put specific aims at the end).

(6) Follow the patterns of logic, style, and text functions expected in the particular

document type of your target publication.

“Write Expressions” Quiz - HKU Faculty of...

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