“iHurt Lewbert” · 2019. 4. 29. · int. icarly studio / lobby / loft - a few days later (d2)...

•!Episode #207 •

“iHurt Lewbert”

Written by

Ethan Banville

Directed by

Russ Reinsel

Executive Producer

Dan Schneider

WRITER’S DRAFT

June 17, 2008

Schneider’s Bakery, Inc.

Copyright 2008 MTV Networks, all rights reserved. This document is protected by United States and worldwide copyright laws and treaty provisions. Any unauthorized copying, redistribution, reproduction or modification of the document by any person may be a violation of trademark and/or copyright laws and could subject such person to legal action.

ACT ONE

SCENE A

FADE IN:

INT. LOFT - DAY (D1)(Carly, Sam, Freddie, Spencer)

CARLY, SAM, FREDDIE, AND SPENCER COME IN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, EACH CARRYING A DOGGY BAG. FREDDIE HEADS TO THE COMPUTER ON THE COUNTER.

CARLY

Brunch is my favorite meal. I love

Sundays.

SPENCER

Absolutely. You get to sleep late,

eat 'til it hurts, then come home,

unbutton your pants, and take a

nap. Speaking of which, I'm gonna

go take a nap.

SPENCER UNBUTTONS HIS PANTS AND EXITS TO HIS ROOM.

SAM

You know why I love brunch? It's the

only meal where you can get a shrimp

cocktail and waffles and not be a

maniac.

FREDDIE

Don't worry, you're still a maniac.

CARLY

He's right, y'know.

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 1.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (I/A)

SAM

Why am I a maniac?

CARLY

You used the waffles like bread and

made a shrimp cocktail sandwich.

SAM

So? How are you supposed to eat it?

FREDDIE

(RE: COMPUTER) Wow. We're gettin' a

lot of email requests for more Messin'

With Lewberts.

CARLY

Lewbert. Terrible doorman, great

source of comedy.

FREDDIE

And the fans want more.

CARLY

Well, let's give it to 'em. I love

Messin' With Lewbert. What should we

do to him?

FREDDIE CROSSES OVER TO THE GIRLS, RUBBING HIS HANDS TOGETHER LIKE AN EVIL GENIUS.

FREDDIE

What if... we set all his clocks back

ten minutes?

THEY JUST STARE AT HIM.


FREDDIE (CONT’D)

Think about it. He'll be ten minutes

late to everything.

CARLY

It's got to be worse than that.

THEY ALL THINK FOR A BEAT.

FREDDIE

Set them back fifteen minutes?

SAM

Why don't we think about it over

lunch?

SAM OPENS UP HER DOGGY BAG.

CARLY

Sam, we just had brunch. The whole

point of brunch is that it's breakfast

and lunch combined.

FREDDIE

Yeah, you can't have brunch and then

lunch.

SAM

Okay, then this'll be my linner.

SAM TAKES A WAFFLE OUT OF HER DOGGY BAG AND TAKES A BITE. CARLY NOTICES THE TIME ON HER PEAR PHONE.

CARLY

Oh jeez, it's three o'clock.

Shouldn't we be leaving if we want to

see that movie?


SAM

Relax, it's only two-fifty. We've

still got another ten minutes.

CARLY

My phone says three.

CARLY NOTICES FREDDIE. HE'S OVERDOING ACTING INNOCENT -- BEGINNING TO WHISTLE AND LOOKING AROUND. CARLY SHAKES HER HEAD.

CARLY (CONT’D)

(DRY, TO FREDDIE) Wow, you are evil.

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLES


SCENE B

INT. iCARLY STUDIO / LOBBY / LOFT - A FEW DAYS LATER (D2)(Carly, Sam, Freddie, Spencer, Lewbert, Timmy, Man Extra, Delivery Boy Extra)

MID-WEB SHOW. WE HEAR A DRUM ROLL AS CARLY AND SAM OBSERVE A MAN IN A SUIT BLOWING A VERY LARGE BUBBLE (WITH BUBBLE GUM). IT GETS QUITE LARGE. THE DRUM ROLL ENDS IN A CYMBAL CRASH, AND THE MAN POINTS TO THE BUBBLE. SAM HITS HER APPLAUSE BUTTON.

SAM

(TC) My Mom's lawyer, everybody!

CARLY

Thanks a lot, Ira.

THE MAN EXITS WITH THE BUBBLE STICKING OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

CARLY (CONT’D)

(TC) What's next, Sam?

SAM HITS A BUTTON ON HER REMOTE. LIGHTS CHANGE AND WE HEAR:

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Random Dancing With Vegetables!

RANDOM VEGETABLES DROP FROM THE CEILING. THE GIRLS DANCE AROUND POINTING AT THE VEGETABLES, NAMING THEM.

SAM

(TC) Corn!

CARLY

(TC) Eggplant!

SAM

(TC) Broccoli!

CARLY

(TC) Zucchini!

SAM

(TC) Bell pepper!

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 5.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (I/B)

A BANANA DROPS INTO FRAME.

CARLY

(TC) Banana-- Get outta here.

You're no vegetable!

CARLY SMACKS IT AND IT GOES FLYING OUT OF FRAME. THE MUSIC AND LIGHTING EFFECTS STOP.

CARLY (CONT’D)

(TC) All right, next we want to

introduce you to our friend, Little

Timmy.

SAM

C'mere Timmy!

TIMMY WALKS INTO FRAME. HE'S A SMALL TEN-YEAR-OLD.

SAM (CONT’D)

(TC) Timmy! He's our special effects

wiz. He was the brains behind the

flaming toaster in the teachers'

lounge.

CARLY

(TC) Mr. Harwood walked around

without eyebrows for weeks.

SAM

(TC) That was awesome.

CARLY

(TC) And now Timmy's here to help us

bring you what you've been asking for.

An all new...


CARLY/SAM

(TC) Messin' With Lewbert!

SAM

So what do you got for us today,

Timmy?

TIMMY

(UNINTELLIGIBLE MUMBLING) You guys

want to do muffin basket with a

confetti cannon?

CARLY

(TC) Timmy's a little shy. He just

said that we asked him to rig a

muffin basket so it would shoot

confetti out of the top.

SAM

(TC) Lewbert will scream, we will

laugh.

FREDDIE

I actually took some video of the test

run if you want to see it.

CARLY

Really?

SAM

You're not useless after all.

CARLY

Show the people, Freddie.


FREDDIE

I had Spencer play Lewbert.

FREDDIE HITS SOME KEYS ON HIS KEYBOARD AND VIDEO BEGINS TO PLAY ON THE MONITOR. SPENCER ENTERS.

SPENCER

(LEWBERT VOICE) I'm Lewbert. I'm a

doorman. I hate everything.

FREDDIE ENTERS FRAME HOLDING A MUFFIN BASKET.

FREDDIE

Perhaps these muffins will cheer you

up.

SPENCER

(GRABBING BASKET) Lemme see those!

FREDDIE IMMEDIATELY RUNS OUT OF FRAME. AS SPENCER GOES FOR A MUFFIN, CONFETTI SHOOTS OUT OF THE TOP OF THE BASKET, GENUINELY SCARING HIM. SPENCER FREAKS OUT AND FALLS TO THE GROUND. THE VIDEO ENDS AND WE GO BACK TO THE iCARLY STUDIO.

SAM

(TC) That was great.

CARLY

(TC) And I'd like to thank Spencer

for helping us out with that. Now

it's time to do it for real.

SAM

(TC) With the actual Lewbert.

CARLY

Freddie, we all set?

FREDDIE

Ready when you are.


CARLY

Timmy?

TIMMY

(MUMBLES) Good to go.

TIMMY HANDS SAM A SMALL REMOTE.

CARLY

(TC) Good. Then let's go live to the

Lewbert Cam!

FREDDIE HITS A FEW KEYS ON THE KEYBOARD, CUING THE LEWBERT CAM. ON THE MONITOR BEHIND THEM WE SEE LEWBERT SITTING AT THE FRONT DESK, CLEANING HIS FINGERNAILS WITH A FORK.

SAM

(TC) And now we'll bring in the

muffins.

TIMMY TAKES OUT A WALKIE-TALKIE AND MUMBLES INTO IT.

ON THE LEWBERT CAM, WE SEE A TEENAGE DELIVERY BOY ENTER WITH A MUFFIN BASKET AND GIVE IT TO LEWBERT. LEWBERT LOOKS AT THE CARD AND PUTS THE BASKET ON THE DESK. THE DELIVERY BOY EXITS.

CARLY

(TC) Sam, I think we're ready for

confetti.

SAM PUSHES A BUTTON ON THE REMOTE TIMMY GAVE HER.

IN THE LOBBY, INSTEAD OF CONFETTI SHOOTING OUT AS PLANNED, THE BASKET EXPLODES, SENDING LEWBERT FLYING OVER THE DESK.

QUICK POP TO SPENCER IN THE LOFT SITTING AT THE COUNTER, EATING A BOWL OF SOUP, WATCHING iCARLY ON THE COMPUTER. SPENCER HEARS THE EXPLOSION. HE LOOKS UP, CONCERNED.

CUT BACK TO THE STUDIO, WHERE CARLY, SAM, AND FREDDIE LOOK HORRIFIED AND STUNNED. SAM LOOKS TO CARLY. CARLY LOOKS TO SAM. THEY LOOK TO TIMMY. TIMMY TAKES OFF RUNNING OUT THE DOOR. CARLY AND SAM TURN BACK TO CAMERA.


CARLY (CONT’D)

(AFTER AN AWKWARD BEAT, TC) We'll be

right back.

CARLY AND SAM RUN OUT. FREDDIE TURNS THE CAMERA ON HIMSELF.

FREDDIE

(TC) Uh, please enjoy this video of a

bunny eating peanut butter.

FREDDIE HITS A FEW KEYS ON THE KEYBOARD AND A VIDEO APPEARS ON THE MONITOR OF AN ELDERLY BUNNY EATING PEANUT BUTTER. FREDDIE RUNS OUT.

TRANSITION TO:


SCENE C

INT. LOBBY - A SHORT WHILE LATER (D2)(Carly, Sam, Freddie, Spencer, Lewbert, Paramedic #1, Paramedic #2)

LEWBERT IS LYING ON THE GROUND UNCONSCIOUS. THE KIDS COME RUNNING DOWN THE STAIRS.

CARLY

Oh my god, is he--

FREDDIE LISTENS BY LEWBERT'S FACE.

FREDDIE

No. He's still breathing. He's just

unconscious.

SPENCER COMES RUNNING IN.

SPENCER

Is he all right?

SAM

He got knocked out by the explosion.

SPENCER

I called an ambulance. They'll be

here soon. I'll go get some smelling

salts.

SPENCER RUNS OFF.

SAM

We don't need smelling salts. I'll

wake him up.

SAM GRABS A MOP FROM A BUCKET AND DRAGS IT ACROSS LEWBERT'S FACE. LEWBERT IMMEDIATELY SPRINGS TO LIFE AND LETS OUT A BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM.

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 11.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (I/C)

SAM (CONT’D)

He'll make it.

CARLY GRABS THE MOP FROM SAM AND TOSSES IT ASIDE. SHE LEANS DOWN.

CARLY

Lewbert? Lewbert? Can you hear

me? Lewbert? (THEN) Uh, where's

his wart?

PARAMEDICS RUSH THROUGH THE DOORS AND IMMEDIATELY BEGIN ATTENDING TO LEWBERT.

PARAMEDIC #1

What happened?

CARLY

Well, we were filming our web show and--

SAM

(COVERS) Who knows how these

things happen? They don't call him

"Clumsy Old Lewbert" for nothin'.

CARLY

Excuse us.

CARLY PULLS SAM ASIDE. FREDDIE JOINS THEM.

CARLY (CONT’D)

Sam, what are you doing? This is our

fault.


SAM

Nobody needs to know that. Besides,

if we tell him it's our fault, then

Lewbert will find out, and then no

more Messin' With Lewbert.

FREDDIE

She's right.

CARLY

All right, fine. But if anybody

starts comin' around asking questions,

I'm gonna squeal.

THE PARAMEDICS HAVE LOADED LEWBERT ONTO A GURNEY. CARLY APPROACHES.

CARLY (CONT’D)

Is he gonna be okay?

PARAMEDIC #1

Yeah, his vitals look good. He might

have some broken bones... possibly a

concussion...

PARAMEDIC #2

And I'm no dentist, but this looks

like gum disease.

THE KIDS REACT, GROSSED-OUT. THE PARAMEDICS BEGIN WHEELING LEWBERT OUT.

LEWBERT

Stop! My wart! (FEELING HIS FACE)

Where's my wart?!

THEY ALL START LOOKING AROUND ON THE FLOOR. AFTER A BEAT:


CARLY

Ew! Ew! Gross, it's on my shoe!

Ew! Ew!

CARLY PULLS HER SHOE OFF AND HOLDS IT OUT AT ARM'S LENGTH TO THE PARAMEDICS.

PARAMEDIC #1

(TAKING SHOE) Thanks. (TO PARAMEDIC

#2) Let's get that wart on ice.

PARAMEDIC #2 EXITS QUICKLY WITH THE SHOE.

PARAMEDIC #1 (CONT’D)

We'll get your shoe back to you as

soon as possible.

CARLY

(GROSSED-OUT) Keep it.

TRANSITION TO:


SCENE D

INT. LOFT - THE NEXT DAY (D3)(Carly, Sam, Freddie, Spencer)

SAM IS SITTING AT THE COMPUTER ON THE COUNTER. CARLY AND FREDDIE ARE TALKING AS THEY WALK DOWN THE STAIRS.

CARLY

...so we went to the park, found the

squirrel and trapped him. Turns out,

he did have a gold tooth.

FREDDIE

That hobo was right.

SAM

(RE: COMPUTER, WINCING) Whoa, that

looks painful.

CARLY

Whatcha watchin'?

SAM

It's the video of the muffin basket

exploding on Lewbert. When you slow

it down, you can totally see the wart

fly off his face.

SAM TAPS THE FORWARD BUTTON. THEY WATCH THE MONITOR, GRIMACING. IT'S GROSS BUT THEY CAN'T TAKE THEIR EYES OFF IT.

CARLY/SAM/FREDDIE

Ew. / Whoa. / Gross.

CARLY

(RE: SCREEN) Who woulda thought a

wart could fly?

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 15.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (I/D)

SPENCER ENTERS FROM HIS BEDROOM WEARING LEWBERT'S DOORMAN JACKET.

CARLY (CONT’D)

What's with the jacket?

SPENCER

I volunteered to cover the front desk

for Lewbert while he's laid up.

Doctor says he's gonna need to stay in

bed for at least a week.

CARLY

This is awful. We didn't mean to hurt

Lewbert.

SAM

Yeah, we just wanted to scare him and

maybe make him pee himself.

SPENCER

I know you didn't mean to blow him up,

but since you did... I want you guys

to check in on him. Get him anything

he needs 'til he gets back on his feet.

CARLY

Spencer's right.

FREDDIE

Yeah, it's the least we can do.

SAM

Actually, the least we could do would

be doing nothing.


CARLY

(CHIDING) Sa-am.

SPENCER

All right, I gotta get going.

SPENCER GRABS AN OLD HOTEL DESK BELL OFF THE COUNTER.

FREDDIE

What's that, a bell?

SPENCER

Yeah, I found it in the junkyard. I

thought it'd be a good way for people

to let me know they're waiting if I'm

in the back room.

SAM

Why don't they just yell, "Hey,

doorman!"

SPENCER

(HOLDING UP BELL) That's the whole

point. With this, they won't have to.

Check it out. I got it all cleaned up.

SPENCER TAPS THE TOP OF THE BELL WITH HIS HAND. WE HEAR A MUFFLED CLUNK. BEAT.

CARLY

You know, they could always just yell,

"Hey, doorman!"

SPENCER WALKS OUT, SADLY. AS WE...

TRANSITION TO:


SCENE E

INT. LEWBERT'S BASEMENT APARTMENT - LATER (D3)(Carly, Sam, Freddie, Lewbert)

A DANK, SAD STUDIO APARTMENT. AROUND THE SMALL ROOM WE SEE: AN 8-TRACK PLAYER, A LARGE FRAMED PICTURE OF CINDY BRADY, AND A GLASS TANK WITH A LIZARD IN IT. THE KITCHEN IS ONE COUNTER TOP WITH A SINK. THE SHOWER IS A GARDEN HOSE HANGING OVER A CEILING PIPE. LEWBERT LAYS ON A TATTERED COUCH - HIS LEG IN A CAST, A BANDAGE AROUND HIS HEAD. THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. CARLY, SAM, AND FREDDIE WALK IN. CARLY HAS A CASSEROLE DISH. FREDDIE HAS FLOWERS.

CARLY

Hi, Lewbert. We just came down to--

LEWBERT

What are you kids doing here?! Get

out!

SAM

Okay, you heard the man.

SAM TURNS TO GO. CARLY GRABS HER AND TURNS HER AROUND.

CARLY

We heard you had a little accident so

we made you a tuna taco casserole.

LEWBERT

Sounds terrible.

CARLY

It is. Sam made it while Freddie and

I went to get these flowers.

LEWBERT

Set 'em down.

CARLY PUTS THE CASSEROLE DOWN ON THE COFFEE TABLE (A GIANT SPOOL OF INDUSTRIAL CABLE TIPPED OVER ON ITS SIDE).

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 18.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (I/E)

CARLY

So... how's it going?

LEWBERT

(SARCASTIC) Just ducky. I always

dreamed I'd be an injured doorman

living in a moldy basement.

FREDDIE

On the bright side...

FREDDIE LOOKS AROUND, SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING.

FREDDIE (CONT’D)

...that onion in the corner seems to

be sprouting roots.

LEWBERT

That's a tennis ball.

CARLY

Oh, you play tennis?

LEWBERT

No, I took it from a puppy playing in

the lobby.

SAM

Okay, this is depressing, so if

there's nothing else we can do for

you, we're just gonna--

LEWBERT

Well, you can fluff my pillow.

CARLY FLUFFS HIS PILLOW, RAISING A CLOUD OF DUST. CARLY COUGHS.


CARLY

(STILL COUGHING) How's that?

LEWBERT

Better. Now go feed my lizard some

bugs.

CARLY

(GRIMACES, THEN) Freddie? You like

reptiles.

FREDDIE WALKS OVER TO THE TERRARIUM.

FREDDIE

Where do I get the bugs?

LEWBERT

I usually just catch 'em in that

corner over there. If you put some

honey in the palm of your hand,

they'll crawl right on.

FREDDIE

Where do I get the honey?

LEWBERT

Well, there's a beehive under the

hotplate. Be careful, they can get

angry.

SAM

(TO LEWBERT, SARCASTIC) Anything else

we can do?


LEWBERT

This cast is getting real itchy. You

can scratch my foot.

SAM MAKES AN "I'M OUT" GESTURE TO CARLY AND TURNS TO GO. CARLY GRABS HER WRIST. CARLY LOOKS AROUND AND SPOTS AN UMBRELLA STAND. INSIDE ARE A GOLF CLUB, A TOILET PLUNGER, A SCYTHE, AND A CROWBAR. SHE REMOVES THE CROWBAR AND USES IT TO SCRATCH LEWBERT'S FOOT. FREDDIE AND SAM LOOK ON, GROSSED-OUT, AS CARLY TRIES TO SMILE THROUGH HER DISGUST.

TRANSITION TO:


SCENE H

INT. LOBBY - THE NEXT DAY (D4)(Carly, Sam, Freddie, Spencer, Mrs. Benson)

SPENCER IN SITTING BEHIND THE FRONT DESK. HE LOOKS BORED, DRUMS HIS HANDS ON THE DESK, MOVES A FEW THINGS AROUND, THEN DINGS HIS BELL, WHICH EMITS A DULL THUD. SPENCER PICKS UP THE BELL AND EXAMINES IT. HE REACHES UNDER THE DESK, PULLS OUT A SCREWDRIVER, AND USES IT TO MAKE AN ADJUSTMENT. HE FINISHES TINKERING, PLACES THE BELL ON THE COUNTER, AND TESTS IT OUT. IT DINGS.

SPENCER

Awesome.

SPENCER HAPPILY DINGS THE BELL A FEW MORE TIMES, THEN SITS BACK DOWN. BEAT. THE BELL BURSTS INTO FLAMES. SPENCER LOOKS AROUND, THEN RUNS INTO THE BACK ROOM AND COMES OUT WITH A FIRE EXTINGUISHER. AS HE EXTINGUISHES THE FLAME, MRS. BENSON ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WITH A FEW GROCERY BAGS.

MRS. BENSON

Spencer? What are you doing?

SPENCER

(ACTING INNOCENT) Nothing.

SPENCER GUILTILY STASHES THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER UNDER THE DESK.

MRS. BENSON

Where's Lewbert?

SPENCER

Oh, I'm covering for him until he gets

back on his feet. He got injured.

MRS. BENSON

Oh. Well, that's nice of you. Do you

know if I've received a package?

SPENCER

Uh, hang on, I'll check the back room.

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 22.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (I/H)

SPENCER EXITS TO THE BACK ROOM. MRS. BENSON LOOKS AT THE CHARRED BELL. CARLY, SAM, AND FREDDIE COME DOWN THE STAIRS. CARLY HAS A PLATE WITH A SCALED FISH ON IT. FREDDIE CARRIES A PILE OF BOXER SHORTS AND SAM IS CARRYING A BROWN PAPER BAG.

FREDDIE

Oh, hey Mom.

MRS. BENSON

Oh hi. (RE: WHAT THEY'RE CARRYING)

What's all this?

CARLY

It's for Lewbert. We're helping him

out until he gets better.

MRS. BENSON

Oh, that's nice. (NOTICING WHAT

FREDDIE'S CARRYING, GASPS) Are those

Lewbert's underpants?

FREDDIE

Yeah, I had to mend the moth holes.

At least I think they were moth holes.

MRS. BENSON

You used a needle? Without supervision?

SAM

Don't worry. (RE: FREDDIE) Ole

Sewin' Sally's good with a drop

stitch. Didn't poke himself once.

SPENCER ENTERS FROM THE BACK ROOM CARRYING A DAMAGED PACKAGE AND A SMALL CB RADIO.


SPENCER

I've got good news and bad news, Mrs.

Benson. Bad news: your package was

damaged during shipment.

MRS. BENSON

What's the good news?

SPENCER

(EXCITED) I found a CB Radio!

MRS. BENSON SHAKES HER HEAD, GRABS HER PACKAGE AND EXITS UPSTAIRS.

FREDDIE

What's a CB Radio?

SPENCER

It's a two-way radio that truckers use

to talk to each other and tell each

other about traffic and police and

dead things they see in the road.

SAM

Why don't they just use cellphones?

SPENCER

Because with one of these, you don't

have to be calling anybody. You just

make up a nickname for yourself, start

talkin', and someone will answer you.

CARLY

Like an internet chatroom.


SPENCER

Okay, just get out of here.

CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE EXIT. SPENCER BEGINS TO SET UP HIS CB RADIO. WHEN SPENCER LOOKS FOR A PLACE TO PLUG IT IN, HE FINDS A LONG WHIP ANTENNA UNDER THE COUNTER. HE CLIPS THE ANTENNA TO THE COUNTER, PLUGS IT IN TO THE CB, AND PICKS UP THE MICROPHONE.

SPENCER (CONT’D)

(INTO MIC) Breaker, breaker. Anybody

got their ears on?

NO RESPONSE FROM THE CB. HE FIDDLES WITH THE KNOBS A BIT, THEN STILL HEARING NOTHING, HE STOPS. BEAT. THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER BURSTS INTO FLAMES.

SPENCER (CONT’D)

Oh, come on!

WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY, SPENCER TRIES TO TURN THE EXTINGUISHER HOSE BACK AT THE EXTINGUISHER. HE LETS GO OF THE HOT HANDLE.

SPENCER (CONT’D)

Hot! Hot! Hot!

TRANSITION TO:


SCENE J

INT. LEWBERT'S BASEMENT APARTMENT - A FEW DAYS LATER (D5)(Carly, Sam, Freddie, Lewbert)

LEWBERT'S APARTMENT IS NOW CLEANER THAN IT WAS. LEWBERT SITS ON THE COUCH. HIS SCRAPES AND BRUISES HAVE ALMOST HEALED, HIS ARM IS NO LONGER IN A SLING AND HIS SOFT CAST HAS BEEN REMOVED. HE IS NOW JUST WEARING A SMALL ANKLE BRACE.

LEWBERT

I'm hot. When's my fan gonna be ready?

WE REVEAL FREDDIE STANDING ATOP A LADDER INSTALLING A CEILING FAN. CARLY STEADIES THE LADDER. SAM HOLDS A MANUAL.

SAM

Okay, last thing, connect the green

wire to the red wire.

FREDDIE DOES. IT SPARKS. FREDDIE RECOILS. CARLY GRABS THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL.

CARLY

(READING) Sam, it says, "Do not let

the green and red wires touch."

SAM

(FAKE INNOCENT) Oops.

CARLY

(READING) "Connect the green wire to

the black wire and secure the cover."

FREDDIE QUICKLY FINISHES THE INSTALLATION.

CARLY (CONT’D)

(TO LEWBERT) So, you excited that you

get to go back to work tomorrow?

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 26.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (I/J)

LEWBERT

Yeah, I guess so. I can't believe

anyone's been able to open the door

without me.

SAM

But you never open the door for

anyone.

LEWBERT

Don't tell me how to do my job!

FREDDIE

(COMING DOWN OFF THE LADDER) Fan's

all set.

CARLY

(HANDING LEWBERT FAN REMOTE) There

you go. Test it out.

LEWBERT HITS THE BUTTON ON THE REMOTE. THE ENTIRE FAN FALLS FROM THE CEILING, LANDING ON LEWBERT -- KNOCKING HIM OFF THE COUCH AND PINNING HIM TO THE GROUND. LEWBERT SCREAMS IN PAIN.

SAM

I'll call the ambulance.

GROSSED OUT, CARLY PICKS SOMETHING UP WITH A TISSUE.

CARLY

I'll put his wart on ice.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 27.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (I/J)

ACT TWO

SCENE K

FADE IN:

INT. LEWBERT'S BASEMENT APARTMENT - LATER (D5)(Carly, Sam, Freddie, Mrs. Benson, Lewbert)

CARLY AND FREDDIE ENTER, SUPPORTING LEWBERT UNDER EACH OF HIS ARMS. HE HAS BANDAGES AROUND HIS TORSO, SHOULDER, AND NECK, AND A BRACE ON HIS LEG. SAM COMES IN BEHIND THEM, TEXTING. A BIG PIECE OF THE BROKEN FAN IS STILL ON THE COUCH. CARLY AND FREDDIE ARE ABOUT TO LAY LEWBERT ON THE COUCH WHEN CARLY NOTICES THE PIECE OF FAN.

CARLY

Hey Sam, can you clear off the couch?

FREDDIE

Yeah, will you stop texting and help

us out?

SAM

(STILL TEXTING) Sure.

SAM WALKS OVER TO THE COUCH BUT DOESN'T CLEAR IT OFF. SHE JUST KEEPS TEXTING. BEAT.

CARLY

(TO SAM) Lewbert's not getting any

lighter.

SAM

Sorry. (RE: PHONE) Debbie Gruber got

a new bike.

CARLY

(RE: COUCH) Clear it!

SAM PUTS AWAY HER PHONE AND QUICKLY CLEARS OFF THE COUCH. CARLY AND FREDDIE LAY LEWBERT DOWN ON THE COUCH.

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 28.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (II/K)

CARLY (CONT'D)

(TO LEWBERT) We're sorry you got hurt

again.

FREDDIE

I really thought the fan was secure.

LEWBERT

Well, I should have never asked three

brainless monkeys to install a ceiling

fan.

SAM

Carly and I aren't brainless monkeys.

FREDDIE

(TO SAM) Hey!

SAM

Oh, monkey cranky without his banana?

THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. MRS. BENSON STICKS HER HEAD IN.

MRS. BENSON

Freddie, I'm going to the pharmacy.

Do you want me to get you another

stick of puberty-strength deodorant?

CARLY AND SAM SNICKER.

FREDDIE

Mom!

MRS. BENSON LOOKS OVER AT LEWBERT.

MRS. BENSON

Hello, Lewbert. (RE: INJURIES) You

look terrible.


LEWBERT

I feel worse than I look.

MRS. BENSON

That's because your leg isn't

elevated.

SHE PUTS A FEW PILLOWS UNDER HIS FOOT, ELEVATING HIS INJURED LEG. LEWBERT MAKES SOUNDS OF PLEASURE.

LEWBERT

(RELIEVED) You're an angel.

MRS. BENSON

Thank you. (GIVING HIM A SMILE) You

look more handsome out of uniform.

LEWBERT

(FLIRTY) Maybe it's because I'm being

so well taken care of.

CARLY AND SAM EXCHANGE MAJORLY WEIRDED-OUT LOOKS.

CARLY

(SOTTO) Your mom and Lewbert are

totally flirting.

FREDDIE

No they're not. It's her nurse

training.

MRS. BENSON

(LOOKS AROUND, TO LEWBERT) Where are

your fluids?

LEWBERT

Fluids?


MRS. BENSON

You should be getting plenty of fluids

and physical therapy. (TO FREDDIE) I

taught you better than this. Why

don't you kids run along? I'll take

care of Lewbert.

SAM

You got it, lady.

CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE START TO EXIT.

CARLY

Puberty-strength deodorant?

FREDDIE

That's right. I'm a man.

SAM

Coulda fooled me.

CARLY

(SNIFFS FREDDIE) Kinda smells like...

FREDDIE

Stallion Musk?

CARLY

No, my grandpa.

THEY EXIT AS WE...

TRANSITION TO:


SCENE L

INT. LOBBY - A SHORT WHILE LATER (D5)(Spencer, Chucky, Chucky's Dad, Big Porkchop (on CB))

SPENCER SITS AT THE DESK TALKING INTO THE CB MICROPHONE.

SPENCER

(INTO MIC) Breaker, breaker, this

is... (THINKS, THEN) Bushwell Bandit.

Anyone out there got their ears on?

BIG PORKCHOP (ON CB)

Copy that, Bushwell. This is Big

Porkchop. What's your twenty?

SPENCER

Twenty? Oh yeah, that means location.

(INTO MIC) I'm drivin' through

Seattle right now.


I'm headed that way, good buddy.

Should be hittin' the five freeway in

about fifty miles. How's she lookin?

A SNOTTY TWELVE-YEAR-OLD KID, CHUCKY, COMES DOWN THE STAIRS, OVERHEARING SPENCER'S CONVERSATION.

SPENCER

(INTO MIC) Oh, you don't want to take

the five. She's jammed up like a

piece of toast.


You sure? I heard it was clean and

green.

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 32.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (II/L)

SPENCER

(INTO MIC) No, I'm drivin' my truck

on it right now. (THEN) I mean, my

rig. (THEN) Good buddy.

CHUCKY

What are you doing? You're not a

trucker!

CHUCKY GRABS THE MIC FROM SPENCER.

CHUCKY (CONT'D)

(INTO MIC) He's not a trucker and--

SPENCER GRABS THE MIC BACK FROM CHUCKY.

SPENCER

Get outta here!


What was that?

SPENCER

(INTO MIC) Oh, nothing, Big Porkchop.

Just a spoiled brat hitchhiker that I

picked up.


So what's the best way 'round that

traffic jam?

SPENCER

(INTO MIC) Well, you could take the

ninety to the eighty-two.


Thanks good buddy.


CHUCKY

That'll take him way outta the way!

SPENCER

I know that. I'm just goofing with

him.

CHUCKY

I'm telling him you're not a trucker.

CHUCKY TRIES TO GRAB THE MIC. SPENCER KEEPS IT AWAY FROM HIM. CHUCKY KEEPS JUMPING UP AS SPENCER HOLDS THE MICROPHONE HIGH. THROUGH THE FOLLOWING, CHUCKY JUMPS UP ON THE COUNTER, GRABBING FOR THE MIC. SPENCER WRAPS THE MICROPHONE CORD AROUND CHUCKY, BINDING HIS ARMS TO HIS SIDES.

SPENCER

Leave me alone! You're going

to upset Big Porkchop. Stop

it! You're annoying!

CHUCKY

You're not a trucker! You're

nothing but a doorman! A

substitute doorman!

CHUCKY'S DAD COMES DOWN THE STAIRS AND SEES SPENCER TYING UP CHUCKY WITH THE CORD.

CHUCKY'S DAD

Chucky? What's going on here?

SPENCER

(MOCK INNOCENT) I was just teaching

your son about CB radios.

TRANSITION TO:


SCENE M

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - A FEW DAYS LATER (D6)(Carly, Sam, Freddie, School Extras)

CARLY IS AT HER LOCKER. SAM WALKS UP AND HANDS CARLY A THICK STACK OF PAPERS.

CARLY

What's this?

SAM

Lewbert's been getting better and will

be back at work soon, so I came up

with a bunch of new Messin' With

Lewbert ideas.

CARLY

Cool. (FLIPS THROUGH PAGES) Funny...

funny... (RE: PAGES) Okay, Sam, even

if we could get some sharks, how are

we gonna get Lewbert in an underwater

cage?

SAM

Maybe we could put Mrs. Benson in

there wearing a bathing suit.

CARLY AND SAM LAUGH. FREDDIE WALKS UP SPORTING A MUCH MORE CASUAL LOOK - HIS HAIR IS MESSY, T-SHIRT, FLIP-FLOPS.

FREDDIE

Mornin', ladies. Check it out...

FREDDIE LIFTS UP HIS SHIRT A LITTLE TO SHOW THE GIRLS HE IS NOT WEARING A BELT.

FREDDIE (CONT’D)

No belt!

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 35.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (II/M)

SAM

Wow.

FREDDIE

And look, open-toed shoes!

CARLY

You're an animal. (THEN) What's your

mom think of this?

FREDDIE

She doesn't! Since she's been taking

care of Lewbert I can pretty much do

whatever I want.

CARLY

Doesn't it bother you that your mom

and Lewbert are practically dating?

FREDDIE

They're not dating. She's just being

a good nurse.

SAM

Wake up and smell the boyfriend,

Benson. She's down there all the

time.

CARLY

Your mom is totally lovin' Lewbert.

FREDDIE

No she's not.


SAM

Y'know, if he becomes your new dad,

you're gonna have to kiss his wart

goodnight.

THE REALITY BEGINS TO DAWN ON FREDDIE.

FREDDIE

Eww, I'm not kissing anybody's wart

goodnight. (THEN) You guys gotta

help me get my mom away from Lewbert.

SAM

I dunno, it might be even more fun

messin' with Lewbert if he's your new

daddy.

FREDDIE

Stop saying that. (GETS ON HIS KNEES,

TO CARLY) Please, help me!

CARLY

Okay. You don't have to get all

beggy.

FREDDIE

How do we break them up?

CARLY

What's the most important thing in the

world to your mom?

FREDDIE

Making sure I've washed thoroughly?


CARLY

You, Freddie, you. She may be all hot

for Lewbert right now, but you're her

whole world.

SAM

Yeah, if you got sick or had an

accident, she'd come runnin' back.

FREDDIE

But I feel fine right now and I very

rarely get injured.

CARLY

How are we gonna convince Mrs. Benson

that Freddie needs her more than

Lewbert?

SAM

Don't worry, I have ideas.

SAM PULLS OUT HER LIST OF "LEWBERT" IDEAS.

SAM (CONT’D)

(TO FREDDIE) How do you feel about

sharks?

TRANSITION TO:


SCENE R

INT. LOBBY - LATER (D6)(Spencer, Chucky, Old Goat (on CB), Big Porkchop (on CB))

SPENCER SITS BEHIND THE DESK PLAYING ON THE CB RADIO.

SPENCER

(SINGING INTO THE CB) She'lllllll

beeeee.... comin' round the mountain,

she'll be comin' round the mountain,

she'll be comin' round the mountain,

when she commmmmmmes!

SPENCER REACHES UP AND PULLS A CORD THAT IS ATTACHED TO A SET OF TRUCK AIRHORNS THAT HE HAS MOUNTED BEHIND THE DESK. THE HORNS BLOW.

OLD GOAT (ON CB)

Listen here, Bushwell Bandit, if you

don't stop singin' on this channel,

I'm gonna hunt you down and beat you

silly.

SPENCER

Come on Old Goat, don't you like a

little music while you drive?


Bushwell Bandit?! Is that you?!

SPENCER

It sure is. Who's this? You got any

requests?


This is Big Porkchop.

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 39.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (II/R)

SPENCER

Oh, hey Big Porkchop! How's it goin'?

You keepin' the shiny side up and the

dirty side down?


I'm gonna turn your shiny side down!

I took your directions and ended up on

a one-lane road outside Yakima. Lost

five hours and my shipment was late.

Got docked on my pay. And unrelated,

my candy bar melted.

SPENCER

Sorry, Big P. I was just havin' a

little CB fun with ya.

CHUCKY ENTERS DOWN THE STAIRS.


Well, a CB ain't a toy. If I knew

where you were, I'd come and kick your

butt so hard you'd have to pull down

your pants to eat soup.

AS CHUCKY WALKS BY THE DESK, HE GRABS THE CB MICROPHONE FROM SPENCER.

CHUCKY

(INTO MIC) He's the doorman at the

Bushwell Plaza Apartments in Seattle.


SPENCER

(GRABBING MIC BACK, PANICKED) He's

just kidding, there's no Bushwell

Plaza in Seattle. So don't go there.

CHUCKY GRABS A PAIR OF SCISSORS OFF THE DESK AND CUTS THE MICROPHONE CORD.


Bushwell Plaza, huh? I'm on my way.

OLD GOAT (ON CB)

This is Old Goat. I'll meet ya there,

Big Porkchop.

CHUCKY

(SING-SONGY) Ha-ha! Now everyone

knows you aren't a trucker. You're

just a doorman!

CHUCKY CROSSES TO THE DOOR.

CHUCKY (CONT’D)

You gonna open the door for me

doorman?

SPENCER

(PICKING UP CUT MIC) I'm gonna open

more than a door!

SPENCER CHASES CHUCKY OUT THE DOOR SWINGING THE MICROPHONE OVER HIS HEAD LIKE A LASSO.

TRANSITION TO:


SCENE S

INT. LEWBERT'S BASEMENT APARTMENT - NIGHT (N7)(Carly, Sam, Freddie, Mrs. Benson, Lewbert)

LEWBERT'S APARTMENT HAS BEEN "MRS. BENSON-IZED". IT'S STILL A CRUMMY BASEMENT, BUT IT'S VERY CLEAN. THERE ARE VINYL COVERS ON SOME OF THE CHAIRS, A COUPLE OF PLANTS, AN UGLY THROW PILLOW OR TWO, AND NEXT TO THE CINDY BRADY PICTURE, A LARGE FRAMED PHOTO OF MRS. BENSON. A ROMANTIC DINNER IS IN PROGRESS -- MRS. BENSON AND LEWBERT SIT AT A TABLE WITH A LIT CANDLE ON IT.

MRS. BENSON

Can I get you more fish loaf with corn?

LEWBERT

It's delicious, but I was hoping we

could get right to... dessert.

MRS. BENSON

But I didn't make any dessert.

LEWBERT

Whaddaya mean? I'm looking at

something pretty sweet right across

the table.

LEWBERT EXTENDS HIS HANDS TO HOLD HERS AND BEGINS TO MAKE A KISSY FACE. THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN TO REVEAL CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE. THEY LOOK AT THE SCENE AND SHIVER.

FREDDIE

My stomach hurts.

SAM

My eyes hurt.

CARLY

I think I'm gonna be sick.

CARLY NUDGES FREDDIE TO GO IN.

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 42.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (II/S)

FREDDIE

Um, Mom, is it okay if I go play in

that abandoned construction site? Sam

and some of the other aggressive

children are gonna throw rusty nails

at each other.

MRS. BENSON

(STARING INTO LEWBERT'S EYES) Sure,

Freddie. Whatever you think is best.

FREDDIE TURNS BACK TO CARLY AND SAM. THEY SHRUG.

FREDDIE

You know what? I think I'll just stay

home and drink some of that stuff from

those bottles under the sink.

MRS. BENSON

Freddie, Lewbert, and I are having a

very special dinner and we'd like some

privacy.

SAM

What's so special about it?

LEWBERT

I'm going back to work tomorrow.

CARLY

Oh, so I guess you guys won't be

seeing as much of each other?


MRS. BENSON

Actually, now that Lewbert is all

better, we can go on dates...

LEWBERT

Hang out in the lobby...

MRS. BENSON

Maybe even go away for a romantic

weekend.

THE KIDS HUDDLE BY THE DOOR AND CONFER, SOTTO.

FREDDIE

What are we gonna do?

SAM

Why don't we push Freddie down

some stairs?

CARLY

Sam, you always say that.

SAM

But this time it won't be just

for fun.

CARLY ROLLS HER EYES AS THE KIDS HEAD OUT THE DOOR, LEAVING LEWBERT AND MRS. BENSON TO CONTINUE THEIR DINNER.

TRANSITION TO:


SCENE T

INT. LOBBY - THE NEXT DAY (D8)(Carly, Sam, Freddie, Mrs. Benson, Freddie, Lewbert, Big Porkchop, Old Goat)

LEWBERT IS BEHIND THE DESK, IN UNIFORM. THE CB, ANTENNA, AND HORN ARE NOW GONE. MRS. BENSON STANDS NEXT TO HIM, LINT-ROLLING HIS JACKET.

MRS. BENSON

There. Now lemme rub a little salve

on your wart.

LEWBERT TURNS HIS WART TOWARD HER. MRS. BENSON TAKES OUT A TUBE AND BEGINS APPLYING OINTMENT TO LEWBERT'S WART. LEWBERT COOS AS SHE SPREADS ON THE OINTMENT. CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE STICK THEIR HEADS AROUND THE CORNER ON THE LANDING OF THE STAIRS.

FREDDIE

(SOTTO, TO THE GIRLS) Are you sure

this is necessary?

SAM

She's touching his wart!

CARLY

Without gloves!

FREDDIE

Okay, let's do it.

SAM CRACKS HER KNUCKLES AND ROLLS HER NECK. SHE DISAPPEARS UP THE STEPS, THEN HER HAND COMES BACK INTO FRAME AND PULLS FREDDIE UP WITH HER. CARLY FOLLOWS. AFTER A BEAT, FREDDIE COMES TUMBLING DOWN THE STAIRS.

FREDDIE (CONT’D)

Whooooaaa!

FREDDIE ENDS UP IN A PILE ON THE LOBBY FLOOR WITH A THUD. MRS. BENSON RUNS OVER.

iCarly #207 - "iHurt Lewbert" 45.Writer's Draft - 6/17/08 (II/T)

MRS. BENSON

Freddie! Oh, my baby. Are you okay?

LEWBERT WALKS UP.

LEWBERT

(TO FREDDIE) Hey, don't get blood on

my nice clean floor.

MRS. BENSON

He's hurt. What's wrong with you?

LEWBERT

He's fine. Come on, stand up,

Freddie.

FREDDIE

(SELLING IT) Ow!

MRS. BENSON

Are you crazy? He may have damaged

his spine. Freddie, lay still.

FREDDIE

Okay.

LEWBERT

We don't have time for this. Our

dinner reservations are in

twenty minutes.

MRS. BENSON

Well, I guess you'll just have to go

without me.


LEWBERT

Don't be that way, Marissa. He'll be

fine. It's not like a fan fell on him

or something.

MRS. BENSON

I think I made a mistake.

LEWBERT

Good, I'm glad you're seeing it my wa--

MRS. BENSON

No. I made a mistake with you. I was

happy to help you heal, but nothing's

going to nurse your personality back

to health. You're an awful, awful

man. (THEN) Freddie, can you walk?

FREDDIE

(GETTING UP) I think so.

MRS. BENSON HELPS FREDDIE OFF TOWARD THE ELEVATORS.

LEWBERT

Marissa, you're being unreasonable.

FREDDIE AND MRS. BENSON ARE GONE.

LEWBERT (CONT’D)

Ngyah!

LEWBERT GOES BEHIND HIS DESK. CARLY AND SAM HAVE BEEN PEERING AROUND THE CORNER ON THE LANDING, WATCHING THIS EXCHANGE.

CARLY

Our work here is done.


SAM

Wow, who knew helping Freddie could be

so much fun?

THEY EXIT UP THE STAIRS. A BEAT LATER, TWO LARGE TRUCKERS, BIG PORKCHOP AND OLD GOAT, WALK IN THE FRONT DOOR.

BIG PORKCHOP

There's the doorman!

OLD GOAT

You think a CB's a toy?

THEY MENACINGLY APPROACH THE FRONT DESK.

LEWBERT

(SLIGHTLY CONFUSED) What? Get outta

my lobby!

BIG PORKCHOP

Come on, Old Goat. Let's give him a

real breaker breaker.

THE TRUCKERS PULL LEWBERT FROM BEHIND THE DESK AND BEGIN TO BEAT HIM UP.

LEWBERT

Oof! Ow! My wart! I just had it

sewn back on! Oof! Ow!

THE TRUCKERS CONTINUE TO BEAT LEWBERT AS WE...

FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW


“iHurt Lewbert” · 2019. 4. 29. · int. icarly studio / lobby / loft - a few days later (d2)...

Documents

Transcript of “iHurt Lewbert” · 2019. 4. 29. · int. icarly studio / lobby / loft - a few days later (d2)...