Annie's Plays for Audio Drama Workshop

RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 1

286.

Friday night. Bryan and Sineads living room.

Bryan:Cant say this is the best curry Ive ever had but its not bad. Try another one next time maybe. What do you think love?Silence.

287.


Bryan:Cant say this is the best chinese Ive ever had but itll do. Fills my belly. What do you think love?Silence.

288.


Bryan:Cant say this is the best curry Ive ever had but its not bad. Its growing on me actually. Its got a good kick. What do you think love?Silence.

289.


Bryan:Lovely fish and chips eh love? Silence.Are you ok love?Did you like your fish and chips?Silence.Gogglebox in a minute. We like that dont we?Maybe we should apply to be on it. Wonder how you go about it. I could look it up.Silence.Might have some ice cream for pud.Do you want some ice cream love? Quick, before Gogglebox starts.Silence.Ill get you some anyway.We like vanilla.Bryan leaves to get the ice cream.Sinead sits in silence.302.

Angel:Fine, vilify me for the horrible things I do. Just dont fuck about.

303.

An osteopaths.

Angel:My name is Angel and Ill be taking your taking your session today; Danielles not feeling too well. Vera:Oh dear, give her my love wont you? Whats wrong with her?Angel:Not right in the head.Vera:You what?Angel:Just a little joke, think shes got the shits. Now if youd lie down on your front for me.

304.

Angel:If youre going to vilify me then get it over with pet.

305.

An osteopaths.

Angel:Got a little question for you Vera.Vera:Whats that?Angel:Are you currently on illegal drugs? Have you brought Class A drugs into this practice with you?Vera:Excuse me?Angel:Just a little joke. lol.

306.

Angel:Im a completely normal person. Just dont look me in the eye.I get awkward.See you then. Bye.


319.

A caf. Donna is sitting with Jessie and Jill. Ashley spots Donna from the other side of the room.

Ashley:Hi!Donna looks up. Has no idea who Ashley is.Donna:Oh hi!Ashley:How are you?Donna:Yeah, yeah, good. How are you?Ashley:You dont remember me do you?Donna:ErmmShe is struggling.NoAshley:From Cineworld..Donna:Oh. Right yeah, yeah. I remember, sorry.Ashley:Cool. So what you doing here?Donna:Just having a jacket potato.Ashley:Thats cool.Silence.Really good to see you, you know. Donna:Yeah.Ashley:Whats your facebook? Donna:Erm. My nameAshley looks at her expectantly.Donna Summer.Ashley has got his phone out and is typing. He shows her the screen.Yeah thats me.Ashley:Cool. We should meet up or something. Ill facebook you.Donna:OkAshley:Really good to see you. Donna:Bye.Ashley leaves.Ive never spoken to that boy before in my life. Oh look, Ive got a friend request.

320.

I dont like people staring at me through cracks.

321.

I dont like people staring at me through cracks but I like to look at them when they dont know.

322.

I dont like people staring at me through cracks but I like to look at them when they dont know. I look at them through tiny spaces and I take a picture in in my mind. I blind and take a picture and then I go home and draw it.

323.

I go home and draw them and then I go back and I post the picture through the crack. If it fits. Otherwise, I find somewhere to stick the picture where I know theyll see it. I dont want them feel scared. I want them to feel beautiful.

324.

Im wary of cracks in my home. I dont wish for anybody to draw me. Thats just my rule.

325.

A coffee shop. A notice is written on a chalk board: We are no longer serving Chai Latte, apologies. Hilda considers this for a moment.

Hilda:I wonder what she did.

326.

Eggbert:Whenever both Hammy and Veg arent here I get suspicious. I am suspicious now.

327.

Meg:I love walking about with a rat on my shoulder. Its just the way I am.


328.Matilda:When I was at the hairdressers the other day I lied both profusely and compulsively. I told her, Maisy her name was, that my name was Maureen and Id been part of the bomb disposal squad in Afghanistan. I had just split up from my long term partner and neither of the kids were speaking to me as Id had affairs with a string of men including Jakes head of year. I told her that Im callous and cold and I hate myself for not caring that my world is crumbling around me. She said she was very sorry to hear all this but wasnt it exciting. Like a soap, she said. Or a three-part drama. She asked me about Afghansistan and I said I didnt want to dwell on it too much. Said my somewhat wild behavior on my return was probably a consequence of being so controlled and regimented whilst out there, I mean you have to be. She told me I was very brave. I said thank you though bravery didnt come into it, it was just a life choice. Told her Im pregnant and I dont know who the father is. One of my string of men I said. Said I dont really know how to feel anymore. Said my favourite colour was blue. I mean I dont mind blue but its not my favourite by any stretch of the imagination. Only truth I told was what brand of shampoo I use. Herbal Essences. I felt I owed that to her. Let her do her job properly. Couldnt let lovely Maisy waste her breath. Also, I thought about this, if I lied about my shampoo her advice would be redundant. As it was, she told me that thats probably why I find my hair is getting greasy more quickly than it used to. Thats something I took away from it. Thats a fact I took home with me. Stopped off in Sainsburys on the way and got some Head and Shoulders, stop me getting dandruff. Might get my hair done somewhere else next time. On the other hand, might not.

329.

yeahyeahalrightokalrightyeahok then.Yeah, okGood.

330.

I feel really really sad.Thats because were breaking up.332.

Prunella and Martha are knitting.

Prunella:Oh petal youve done that wrong havent you?Martha:No.Prunella:You have petal, youve done it wrong.Martha:I havent done it wrong.Prunella:Its all in a muddle petal.Martha:Youre in a muddle. She throws her knitting at Prunella and storms off.

333.

Oh mate!What you doing there mate?Can I help you mate?Mate?Where you going mate?Mate?Mate?Oh mate.

334.

Martin:I love biscuits. Thats why Im so fat. I live almost exclusively on a diet of biscuits, bacon and beer. Im not a well man. But Im a happy one.

336.

Beth:I think what makes me different from everybody else is the fact that Im so selfless. I never think of myself. You know how it goes, theres no I in me. Thats the mantra by which I live my life. Im not a hysterical person. Whenever I start getting really worked up about things like famine or poor people, I just sit down in my quiet room and say my mantra over and over again.Theres no I in me, theres no I in metheres no I in meand so on. You get the idea.And then Im back to normal. You should try it. Dont forget it, theres no I in me. Theres no I in me and youre on the path to being a little bit more like me. And really, I think thats what the world needs. More people like me.

337.

Jet:Im just like you, but famous. And that makes me quite a lot better.

RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 4338.

A cinema.Hannah:Whats your name and Ill search for you on the system.XXX:X X X.Hannah:No, sorry your name. And then I can search for you on the system.XXX:Yes, that is my name. XXX.Hannah:Erm. Ok. Ill have a look. Types XXX into the system.Nothing seems to be coming up.XXX:It should.Hannah:Is there anything else it could possibly be under?XXX:Jet.Hannah:Jet?XXX:Yes. Jet.Hannah:OkTypes.No, sorry still nothing. Have you got an email address it might be under?XXX(Getting impatient) Jet XXX.Hannah:Jet XXXXXX:Yes. Jet XXX.Hannah:No, I mean what it at. JetXXX at Hotmail, or..?XXX:JetXXX at JetXXX.co.uk.Hannah:Ok. I still cant see you.XXX:Jet. Hannah:Ive tried that. Ok Ive had an idea, Ill try the postcode again without any spaces.XXXJet. XXX.Hannah:Ok right Ive found you. Sorry about that.XXX:Jet.Hannah:Ok that will be 8.60 please.XXX pays by card. Hannah hands her her ticket.(She turns to her colleague) Her name is definitely Sharon or something.

339.

Eloise:Everyone else is nice. Its just her.Angie:Who?Eloise:The doctor.

340.

Eloise:So she just offloaded on me. She basically said Im clinically depressed. Angie:Because of the doctor?Eloise:Because of the doctor.

341.

Eloise: My mum calls it aspir-asian-al.

342.

Eloise:Shes had her surgery. She had a tummy tuck, facelift, and liposuction. You name it, shes had it.

343.

Eloise:Doctor Browne will sort me out.

344.

Eloise: Hes having coffee with Naomi Klein.

345.

Eloise is on the phone to Doctor Browne.

Eloise:The lizard kind of fits with the whole tropical theme as well. Whats the plot?

No this is too much detail, I only want it to be very short.

Ok, carry on.

Eloise looks unimpressed/confused. Doctor Browne is speaking a lot and confusing her.

I dont want to go from there, that sound so long winded and dull. If only Annie would have heard you she would have cut you short within the first 30 seconds.

It must be succinct.

The sounds down the phone. What are you doing? Oh its windy. Are you going home?Having coffee with Naomi Klein.

Oh shes gone.RADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 5

313.

Tina:Made the mistake of reading the comments sections of an opinions pieces on the guardian website about the Jenifer Lawrence and co naked photo leaks, now I think Im going to be depressed all day.Gina & Nina:What did it say?Tina:The article was talking about how these sorts of things are done to keep women in their place, reminding them of their otherness, pointing out this never happens to male stars etc. Clearly very exploitive, these things are done deliberately to humiliate, using womens sexuality as a weapon to shame them etc. And well done Jenifer Lawrence for saying something. But all the comments underneath are just, oh great another article bashing white men, why is this even a news story?, serves them right for taking photos of themselves. Im hoping that all of the sane people have become so sick of the stupidity of the guardians supposedly liberal readership.Gina:I never read the comments, pure poison.Tina:yeah genuinely feel upset for women today. And just society in general.Gina:On a different note I got reported at work for eating a olive.

346.

Eloise is on the phone to Doctor Browne.

Eloise:Ive got the characters down. Your contribution has been huge. You created the concept. You want your name splattered all over it. Ill make sure that happens. Can Rudolph transform into a giant arachnid. Ill think about it. Yep. Its quite Kafkaesque. Yeah. Micro climate, Im liking it yeah.

I like it I like it a lot. I like it.

Ok Ill let you go off to have coffee with Naomi Klein. You said you were, why you lying? Ok, love you. See you on Friday. Yep. Ok. Love you bye.

347.

Eloise draws hearts on a banana skin.


349.

Jenkins is more than a little daunted by the task ahead. Its the scariest thing Ive ever done, she confesses. Butt, that environment comes very naturally to me.

362.

I wrote one about a guy who was licking someone.Oh.

371.

I only write in blue. Blacks not good for my handwriting.

372.

I only write in blue. Blacks not good for my heart.

384.

Dinah:Tomorrow I will be attending an intensive improv workshop.

385.

Danah:I think I would rather die than attend an intensive improve workshop.

386.

Yasmin:Denny can do one.

387.

Tobes:When was the last time you thought about myspace?

388.

Abi:Things die.

389.

A hospital.

Tilly:Some of the patients here are so cute and frail I want to die.Theres a husband and wife duo from Venezuela called Ismand and Pasquela. Their taxi to the hospital always drops them in the wrong place but they still find their way in. They are like 87.

390.

Tia:Peter Andre loves his kids Tamera:I love my patients.

391.

Tamera:One of the nurses is called Maureen OMaureen. Shes Irish and I think shes the best person Ive ever met. Maureen has taught me how to make beds really quickly. Tia:Im very slow and irritable when making a bed.Tamera:Im so good at stripping the sheets off.Tia:I can believe that.

392.

Annie:Im using you for your words, you know that dont you?Lizzie:Ive been used for many worse things.Silence.Annie:I have silenced you.


401.

Trisha:I like things my way and I will not apologise.

402.

Trisha:Never apologise, never expain.

403.

Trisha:Go hard or go home.

404.

Trisha:There are certain rules that I will live and die by. I am a very unforgiving person.

405.

Trisha:Dont cross me.

406.

Trisha:If you cross me the first thing I will do is stamp on your foot.

407.

Trisha:If you cross me the last thing I will do is pour acid in your eye.

408.

Trisha:If you cross me, all that comes between the first and the last things I do are as yet unknown to me.

409.

Trisha:If you cross me I will have to pop on my thinking cap.

410.

Trisha:I never apologise and I certainly dont explain.

411.

Trisha:I work in customer service.

412.

Trisha:Never call me Trish. Once I met a man and he called me Trish. Now he is with the dinosaurs.

429.

Joe:I think Mum rung Dad the other day.Pete:No way.Joe:No yeah I think she did.Pete:How dyou know?Joe:Dunno.Pete:What dyou mean you dunno?Joe:I dunno, I just think she was on the phone to him.Pete:Did you hear?Joe:Yeah.Pete:Well what was she saying?Joe:Dunno.Pete:What dyou mean you dunno? You said you heard. What did she say?Joe:I dunno, I cant remember. I just think it was Dad.Pete:Why?Joe:I dunno, I just do.Pete:Dyou think we should ask her?Joe:No!Pete:Well.. I dunno.Joe:No, me neither.

432.

Stacey:I forgot how drive this morning. I got my keys out, got in the car and I shit you not, I didnt know what to do next. It was a very weird experience. Just didnt know what to do. Couldnt remember. So I got out and got on the bus. Took bloody ages. Still cant remember how to bloody drive. James dont believe me. I said to him why would I pretend Ive forgotten how to drive? Why would I lie?, he said, I dunno, I said exactly. Hes still not convinced. I dunno what Im gonna do in the morning. What if I havent remembered by then? Gonna have to set the alarm half an hour earlier incase I have to get the bus again. Right bloody nuisance this is.


433.

Gavin:Forgot how to use the grill earlier. Just ate my bacon raw.

434.

Jane:If Im talking to you and Im looking at you, you know Im telling you the truth.

435.

Jane:If Im talking to you and Im not looking at you, you should be worried.

436.

Jane:If Im not talking to you and Im not looking at you, run.

437.

Jake:Ive never had a bunch of flowers of my own before. I like daffodils.

438.

Sainsburys. Jake buys a bunch of Daffodils. He smiles.

439.

A florist. Jake is creating an enormous and extravagant bunch of flowers.

Jake:A couple of those. Yeah yeah and one of those. And, would that look nice? Yeah yeah one of those please. And that big yellow one. Excellent.

440.

Hilary:Its nothing to do with me, but you cant please everybody all the time.

563.

Tall man:I love you.Short woman:But you are too tall.

564.

Tall man:I love you.Short woman:I have already told you, you are too tall.Tall man:I have thought of a solution!Short woman:What is your solution?Tall man:I have hand crafted you a box to stand on when I am near. I got the idea from the yellow pages advert.Short woman:I think thats a terrible idea.Tall man:So you still wont love me?Short woman:No Im sorry, you are too tall.Tall man:Although I will always love you, Im beginning to think that you are a very closed minded lady.Short woman:I am not closed minded!Tall man:I beg to differ.Short woman:What makes you think I am closed minded?Tall man:You wont love me because I am so tall.Short woman:You are a very tall person.Tall man:But does that make me unlovable?Short woman:In my eyes, yes.

577.

A plea.

Facebook.

Annie Jenkins: I'm trying to accumulate 1000 short plays in ten days. I've done 562 myself so far, the rest are other people's donations. I need another 261 by sunday.... if anyone would like to contribute a play i would be VERY GRATEFUL. Can be as short as a couple of words, or few lines. Here is an example: Tall man: I love you, Short woman: But you are too tall. Please send any contributions to [email protected]. They're going in a BOOK (along with your name, or not if you dont want...) thanks pals please help

they can also obviously be longer and more meaningful than my example

/less discriminative


506.

Frankie and Hankies house. Hankie is merrily splashing about in the bath. Frankie creeps into the bathroom armed with a stale baguette. He throws it across the room and it hits Hankie on the back of the head. Hankie stops splashing. Is he dead like the duck in About a Boy? This is ambiguous. This play has an ambiguous ending.

507.

This play is potentially a companion piece to play 506, however this of course is determined by ones interpretation of 506s ambiguous ending. 507 could be about another scenario entirely. Another Frankie. Another Hankie. And another stale baguette.

Frankie: A poem for Hankie. By Frankie.

Oh woe. I miss you so.I played a horrid trick with breadAnd for just one moment Hankie, I thought you were dead.But you werent, And now youre goneand with you taken all our pokemon (cards).That was mean,It was only bread,I didnt meanTo kill you dead.And I didnt anyway so please come backwithout you my world is cracked.This is a poem from Frankie to Hankie. I love you so,Without you,I just gowoe,woe.

508.

Hankie:Say cracked again.

509.

Hankie rings on the doorbell to his and Frankies flat. Hankie has grown a beard. Frankie opens the door. He looks forlorn.

Frankie:What a wonderful beard Hankie.Hankie:Frankie-Frankie:Yes Hankie?Hankie:I am aware my beard is wonderful, however Im that is not why I am here.Frankie:You are not here to discuss and show off your wonderful beard?Hankie:No.Frankie:Take me back.Hankie:Frankie-Frankie:Yes Hankie?Hankie:I will take you back on one condition.Say cracked again.

510.

Hankie and Frankie are embracing.

Frankie and Hankie: CRACKED.

511.

Phillip:Im waiting.Charles:Im thinking.

512.

Mick: You dont need to say a lot to say a lot.Baz:Yeah but you need to say something.


530.

A group of people are sitting in a circle.

Pumba:Well we all know why were here. Damaged by our parents, thats what it is damage. I think its important we are open about things. Perhaps we should start by going round the circle and saying our names. Im Pumba.As each of them introduce themselves there should be a sense of mutual understanding/empathy apparent in the group.Dumbo:Dumbo.Nemo:Nemo.Bambi:Bambi.Ursuala:Ursula.Maleficent:Malificent.Scar:Scar.Zazu:Zazu.Caoptain Hook:Captain Hook.Snow White:Snow White.Tinkerbell:Tinkerbell.Grumpy:Grumpy.Pumba:Thank you Grumpy. Thank you everyone. And welcome all of you Disneys a dick anonymous. Ursula bursts into tears.

604.

Tilda is talking about a Japanese style bath.

Tilda:We have got the one called Oronsay. David made the surround to build it in and filled it with insulation so the bath stays hot for ages, but you can just buy panels to surround it. Thats what my mum said!Jerome:"This bath can be ordered with a Pegasus Whirlpool System" Did you get one?Tilda:No. No whirlpool system on ours. Which is a shame.

641.

The pub.

Maria:Is that a pint of wine?Mariah:Yes.Maria:I want one.Mariah:Then you shall have one.Mariah clicks her fingers and a pint of wine appears on the table in front of them.I presumed you wanted red.Maria:How did you do that??Mariah:I used my magical powers.Maria:Did you pay for it?Mariah:No.Maria:What else can you do with your magical powers?Mariah:Nothing. My powers are limited to making pints of wine appear as if from nowhere.Cheers.They cheers with their wine.

676.

Josh:Everyone gives Annie their stuff. On the last night shes going to leave 1000 plays and take everybodys stuff.

677.

Im really like, handsy when I like talk to people. Im illustrative.

678.

You should write these things instead of saying them out loud.

678.

Whats wrong with Leyton?No schools. There are no secondary schools in Leyton.

679.

Im getting more cookies. Do you want a cookie?No I dont really like biscuits.

680.

You havent got any blue tack by any chance have you mate?


681.

The plates were so heavy because you could have full fucking partridges and shit on there.Partridge.Genuine babe.Spatchcocked Partridge will change your fucking life.

682.

He showed me the lanes downstairs. MassiveYeahSo Well I think Im in love.With the house or the man?

683.

I would rather go to Cornwall with my friends than to a party in the Rose Lipman building.

684.

I arrived one day with my shed on my shoulder.

685.

I used to deal in characters. Not the case anymore.

686.

I love this desk.Nice init?Have you had your hair cut again?

687.

Did you get the shoes?

688.

Your generosity knows no boundsI know Thats the thing youll learn about me

689.

Apparently Harold is used a lot.Harold is a big name.A BNOC.

690.

Its very dark in here.Had you noticed?

691.

Its about twins.Thats very Shakespearean.Is it?

692.

Youre not a professional real person.Nics hair is pretty professional.

693.

Basically I figured back if I can do 7000 words between now and December then I can pay myself back for my writing course plus five hundred quid!

694.

You need to make a new one. Because that one smells fermented.What is that?Blood.

695.

Oh my god Dalston Junction is a hell hole.

696.

Too many beautiful people in this worldlol lotta uggos out there tooRADIO PLAYS/ ANNIES PLAYSCOLLECTION 12

697.

He has to go to Cheltenham.Its a long-standing commitment.

698.

Omg. Perky Sakky and Perky Jacky.Its a match made in heaven.

699.

You will be told where to go what to doIs that a new bagNew schoolbagIts prettyIs it asos?New look.

700.

An elderly lady with shingles in her eyes.

701.

Im all about my art.My craft.

Annie's Plays for Audio Drama Workshop

Documents

Transcript of Annie's Plays for Audio Drama Workshop