ANE & K ENDALL COUNTIES Amusing Stories • Jokes • Puzzles ...
Transcript of ANE & K ENDALL COUNTIES Amusing Stories • Jokes • Puzzles ...
January 2, 2019 Volume 13, Issue 8
Amusing Stories • Jokes • Puzzles • TriviaCommunity Events and Coupons
Distribution on the 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each monthFor Advertising: Michelle Brokop (815)751-1286 Email: [email protected]
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KANE & KENDALL COUNTIESOOrangerange PPeeleel ggazetteazette
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Inspection
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"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "Ican't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could counton you!"
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Dear Neighbor:I have great news for your wallet if your furnace is over 12years old. Allow me to explain...Every year, the months ofJanuary, February, & March can be slow for my business. Iemploy great people and want to keep them working duringthese long, slow months. That is why I’ve come up with aWin Win Situation for both of us.
Every year, the big manufacturers of furnaces & air conditioners guess how many to build to meet the demand.Of course, they’re never exactly right. So, they always havesome inventory that they must hold over until the next summer season. I went to one of these companies andcontracted for the purchase of twenty-two Deluxe furnacesand air conditioners in the four most popular sizes used inKane County. And, because of the quantity and time ofyear, I was able to buy them at drastically reduced prices.
They are brand-new Deluxe Models. They are NOT the seconds or “blems” or standard “builder” models. They arefactory-fresh furnaces and air conditioners and have a full10-year factory warranty.
How To Get A Furnace For PeanutsIf you are interested in a new heating/cooling system (butonly if one of the four sizes I have will fit your house, ofcourse), I am “giving” you the furnace and all I ask for is the $941 in labor & material costs for instalation.
Perfect Fit For Your HomeI will come out and measure your home (and determinethe availability of the proper size). Don’t forget, I only have
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Warmly,
22 matched Deluxe Systems in four sizes. When they aregone, this remarkable offer ends also. Just call 630-262-8484.
Absolutely No ObligationAfter I completely explain the installation, there is absolutelyno obligation. If you decide you don’t want to take advantage of the spectacular savings... That’s OK.
You Can Buy With NO Cash*You don’t even have to pay me right away. I have set up a terrific 0%* payment plan.
Fuel Efficiency Guarantee**I’m so confident that you will save at least 25% on your heating and cooling bills (I’m projecting more like 30%), that I will pay you the difference for a year if you don’t! I’llshow you exactly how this works. If these heating and air conditioning systems were not among the best on themarket, I couldn’t afford to make such a promise.
Why This Offer Can’t LastI only have a few of each of the four sizes. When all of the airconditioners are sold and all the furnaces are “given” away,that’s it. There are no more at this price. Call Bre now at(630)262-8484 to set up an appointment for your no-obligation survey.
Warmly,
ATTENTION: Kane County Homeowners, we are doing it again this year!Great opportunity with only 22 units available in 2019Quality, American Made HVAC Systems:SERVICE NOW HEATING Helping 22 Homeowners by “Giving Away” Furnaces for $941.With Off-Season Air ConditioningIf you qualify, local utilities may offer up to $550 in rebates towards your new system.
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Fruitcake toss Day
January 3 is an annual holiday that celebratesfruitcakes - the gift that keeps on giving - by tossing them in an empty space.
How to Celebrate?Collect all the fruitcake youcan! Ask your friends, askyour neighbors. Find anempty space, and start tossingyour fruitcakes.
Feeling competitive? Compete for the highest or farthest throw.
garage Sale Early one evening a man went out to his garage
and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.Shortly after followed the lawn mower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked ifhe was going to have a garage sale.
"No," replied the gentleman, "my son just boughthis first car and right now he's getting ready for abig date."
"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor. "Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and
sports equipment out of the way every time I camehome from work I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."
getting Old You know you're old when you have owned an
album for 3 or more decades in 4 different formats.In 1978 - 8-track tape.In 1983 - cassette tape.In 1987 - vinyl.In 1994 - CD.
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no talking After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not
talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" Ichallenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
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get Back In there! Working as a secretary at an international airport,
my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.
One day security officers were questioning a manwhen they were suddenly called away on anotheremergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlockedroom. After a few minutes, the door opened, and hebegan to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don'tcome out until you're told!"
The man scuttled back inside and slammed thedoor. When the security people returned, the womanreported what had happened.
Without a word, an officer walked into the roomand released one very frightened telephone repairman.
golf Questions Jill: I just don't understand the
attraction golf holds for men. Mary: TELL me about it! I went
golfing with my husband one time,and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were justtrying to understand the game. Whatquestions did you ask?
Mary: I thought I asked legitimatequestions . . . like, "Why did you hitthe ball into that lake?"
lost luggage I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage
area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told thewoman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. “Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
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gender Signs Over the years, my husband and I have usually
managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurant restroom doors(Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but everyso often we get stumped.
Recently my husband wandered off in search of themen's room and found himself confronted by twomarked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and theother was designated "Cactus."
Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me. I need to use therestroom," he said. Gesturing toward the doors, heasked, "Which one should I use?"
"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," theemployee said, pointing to a door down the hallmarked MEN. Bronco and Cactus are private diningrooms."
Musician JokesQ: How many musicians does it take to change a
light bulb?A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand
around and say, "I can do that!"
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but hasthe courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach in the saddle again.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take toscrew in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain thatit's electrified.
Q: How many musicians does it take to change alight bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder,and 17 to be on the guest list.
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to changea light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to singabout how good the old one was.
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?A: Because he's Haydn!
Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?A: A Chopin Liszt.
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnatedas twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.
Q: What do you call a male quartet?A: Three men and a tenor.
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The Orange Peel Gazette is distributed by over 400 businesses throughoutKane & Kendall Counties including various...
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top ten Signs the Concert You're attending is not the real Woodstock
From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen
vegetables.7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the
next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has
caught three foul balls.4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a
sackful of presents.3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you,
please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"
any last requests?A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to
be executed on the same day. The day comes, and theyare brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks thecowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboyreplies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty gratefulif'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ahhafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says thewarden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what'syour last request?"
"That you kill me first."
lot's O'Snow I just got off the phone with a friend who lives in
northern Newfoundland. He said that since early thismorning the snow has been falling and is nearly waisthigh. The temperature is dropping way below zero andthe north wind is increasing to near gale force.
His wife has done nothing but look through thekitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have tolet her in.
In the Old Days My daughter was six and excited about learning all
the wonderful things about the world that first-graderslearn. She turned to me one day and asked, "Mom,back in the old days when you were a kid, had theylearned how to make the wheel yet?"
I replied, "No, Sweetie, back then we were justgrateful to have fire."
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Matt gavin16119 Chicago Road Sandwich, IL 60548
Phone (815) 786-2242Cel (815) 405-9988Fax (815) 786-2296
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Where are we?Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in
Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music,Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are we?"
Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
What's that sound?A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She
comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins \reading the commerative plaque, only to be distractedby a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbingagainst a piece of paper.
She collars a passing native and asks what thescratching sound is.
The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven.He's decomposing."
911 Dispatcher Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate
callers who are in various states of panic so I can sendthe appropriate emergency equipment.
One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.
After finding out where she lived and assuring herthat the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her,"Do you know what caused the fall?"
"No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"
native tongue A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who
was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that manypeople spoke only their native tongue - including theticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket,then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like awindmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show
him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leanedforward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed. "Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat
an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrongtrain."
golf Clubs A golfer, who was known for his bad temper,
walked into the Pro Shop one day and plunked downbig bucks for a new set of woods.
The staff all watched to see what would happenafter he used them for the first time - more than halfexpecting he'd come in and demand his money back.
But the next time he came in, he was all smiles. "They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In
fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yardsfarther than I could my last ones."
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naval efficiency A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of
sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability atgetting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he hadthe decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel andsoon the port was far behind.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck wasabuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyerunder way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not allsurprised when another seaman approached him with a message fromthe captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparationexercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In yourhaste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules --Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."
needed to Be Pushed.... A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died
because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to workon time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand tostart the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view
mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should havebeen a bit clearer with my directions.....
no Charge When I had a job at the photo-
developing counter of a pharmacy, thefilm was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge our customers. Once a mancame to pick up his pictures, whichwere marked $0.00, indicating that notone of them had turned out right.
The customer asked to see the photos, and when I noticed the oddsplotches of color all over the pictures,I apologized profusely.
"Oh, no, these are fine," he saidhappily. "I'm a microbiologist, andthese are my bacteria cultures."
ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE... WWW.ORANGEPEELGAZETTEKANECO.COM • PAGE 10
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$646,000 Question...The Grammer school was established in Colonial America in this year?A) 1620 B) 1635C) 1652 D) 1776 $647,000 Question...The New England Primer was the first and most widelyused one of these in the colonies?A) paint B) textbookC) pencil D) school desk$648,000 Question...The first public library was established in 1698 in thissouthern town?A) Savannah, GA B) Richmond, VAC) Raleigh, NC D) Charles Town, SC
$649,000 Question...In 1837 at Mount Holyoke, the first college for these wasestablished?A) women B) senior citizensC) dogs D) blind persons$650,000 Question...In 1852 Massachusetts enacts the first mandatory law for this in school? A) lunch B) sportsC) attendance D) grades $651,000 Question...In 1856 in Watertown, Wisconsin the first one of theseopened in the U.S.?A) lunch room B) sports stadiumC) playground D) kindergarten
$652,000 Question...In 1867 Christopher Sholes invents this device?A) ink pen B) typewriterC) copier D) black board
(answers below - See you next issue)
Answers: $646 - B $647 - B; $648 - D; $649 - A; $650 - C; $651 - D; $652 - B.
accounting Interview Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a
interview for a good paying job. The company bossasked various questions about him and his education,but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checkedit on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken itto the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said hewas hired for the job! He was not one to look a gifthorse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The nextday, he went in and asked why he got the job, eventhough he got such a simple question wrong. The bossshrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
alpha Beta gamma While working as a television news cameraman, I
arrived at an accident scene, and a cameraman fromanother station pulled up behind me. As I parked thenews cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner usingthe radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Beaware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said.
I approached the officer, looked him in the eye andsaid, "You might be surprised to know that some of usin the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra PapaEcho Lima Lima."
Can't Swim I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State
College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory,also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boatcaptain to man its research vessel. It was commonknowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach himabout it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You,a boat captain, can't swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
not at Work My boss didn't come into work today. He called this
morning and said he was having a vision problem. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "I just
can't see myself at work today."
Until I am Measured,I am not known.
Yet how you miss me,When I have flown!
What Am I?
TIME
Radiator ServiceRick & Pat’s
HOuRSMon - Fri
7am - 5pmSaturday
7am - 12pm
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Serving the Aurora Area for over 40 years
ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESLike us on Facebook for past issues & more fun stories...OrangePeelGazetteKaneCo • PAGE 11
THANK THE BUSINESS WHERE YOU PICKED UP THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE
You know you're from northern vermont when:
•You only own three spices- salt, pepper and ketchup. •The mosquitoes have landing lights. •You have more miles on your snowblower than your car. •You have 10 favorite recipes for venison. •The local Hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
•You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground. •Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow. •Making it home during Mud Season is a competitive sport. •You think everyone from the city has an accent. •You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
•You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. •The local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports. •At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
•The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. •Your snow-blower gets stuck on the roof. •You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday. •You head south to go to your cottage. •You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck. •You know which leaves make good toilet paper. •The town officials greet you on the street by your first name.
•There is only one shopping plaza in town. •The major parish fundraiser isn't bingo- its sausage making.
•You find -20F a little chilly. •The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer. •You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots. •You can play road hockey on skates. •Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout. •You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction. •The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus. •You actually 'relate' to these jokes, and forward them to all your Northern friends.
How do...Q: How do you get five donkeys on a fire engine?A: Two in the front, two in the back, and one on the
roof going EE-AW-EE-AW.
Q: How do you start an onion race?A: "Onion marks! Get set! Go!
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Orange Peel gazetteCall Today! (815)751-1286
FOR ADVERTISING, CALL MICHELLE AT (815)751-1286
Combine beef, beans& cheese for a tastyfoundation to thisSlow-Cooker BeefChili. Serve this
Slow-Cooker BeefChili with sour cream
& saltine crackers.
15 Min Prep, 5 Hr Cook time1-1/2 lb. lean ground beef 2 cans (15.5 oz. each) kidney beans, rinsed 1 can (16 oz.) no-salt-added tomato sauce 1-1/2 cups TACO BELL® Thick & Chunky Mild
Salsa 1 cup frozen corn 1 onion, chopped 2 Tbsp. chili powder 1 cup KRAFT Mexican Style Finely Shredded Four
Cheese1. Brown meat; drain. Spoon into slow cooker
sprayed with cooking spray. Add all remaining ingredients except cheese; mix well. Cover with lid.
2. Cook on LOW 5 to 6 hours (or on HIGH 3 to 4 hours).
3. Stir chili. Serve topped with cheese.Used with permission from
www.Kraftrecipes.com
Slow-Cooker Beef Chili
Florida Driving rules (especially for our visiting Senior Drivers)
1) Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Floridian driver never uses them. Use of them in Kissimmee may be illegal.
2) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3) Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5) Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
6) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7) Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Osceola County look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.
8) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
9) Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
10) Always slow down & rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.
11) Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.
12) It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.
13) Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
new technology A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She
had not been in a hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the new technology. Atechnician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling alarge, intimidating looking machine with tubes andwires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,"she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE... WWW.ORANGEPEELGAZETTEKANECO.COM • PAGE 12
ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESGREAT RATES - GREAT RESULTS - CALL TODAY! (815)751-1286 • PAGE 13
THANK THE BUSINESS WHERE YOU PICKED UP THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE
Welcome Home provides people who have moved with useful community information and Free gifts from localmerchants: all to help you become familiar with the area.
Call or Text For a Visit -Batavia • North Aurora • Batavia/Mill Creek
Jennifer zack • 630-229-2001
Moved Recently?We would enjoy meeting you!
- www.welcomehomebatavia.com -
real Stories Of technically Challenged People
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient
called back to say all she received was a cover-sheetand a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thinghappened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't
want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded itso only the recipient would open it and read it."
---------I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping
beside her car."Do you need some help?" I asked.She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the
battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't getinto my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distantconvenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the keyand manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don'tyou drive over there and check about the batteries ...it's a long walk."
-----------
My friend called his car insurance company to tellthem to change his address from Texas to Vermont.The woman who took the call asked where Vermontwas.
As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said,"Look, I'm not stupid or anything, just tell me whatstate it's in?"
-----------Several years ago we had an intern who was none
too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.What do I do?"
"Just use copier paper," she told him.With that, the intern took his last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceededto make five blank copies.
DC Cabs Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Washington
DC knows they're some of the world's most brazendrivers. Oddly enough though, their current accidentrate isn't all that bad. One day I asked one of the drivers the reason for that.
"Easy," he said. "all the really bad drivers are deadnow."
815.751.1286
You See This AdYour customers will
too.Advertise in the
Orange Peelgazette
35 unique Shopsunder One roofHOurS: Tues - Sat 10-5Thurs 10-8, Sunday 11-5
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(630)851-22221250 Route 34Oswego, IL 60543www.RWS-Express.com Email: [email protected]
(630)851-2222
THANK THE BUSINESS WHERE YOU PICKED UP THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE
Hetts auto SalesLooking for a quality used
vehicle? All our vehicles aresafety inspected, have a
carfax report and many arepriced in the
$3000 - $9000 range. View our inventory at
www.hettsautosales.comHetts Auto Sales is located
in downtown Oswego by theR/R tracks, “Our mission is
to give you a pleasurablebuying experience” and
remember owner, Ed and son, Matt are your friends
in the car business.Hetts auto Sales
69 W. Washington St. (rt 34)Oswego, Il 60543
630-554-9339www.hettsautosales.com
CaSH PaIDWWII, WWI
Military uniforms,photos, weapons, medals,patches, helmets, posters,
souvenirs, & older firearms.630-215-3664
Garage Doors by CurtSales and Service
We Sell CHI DoorsLift Master Openers
(630)276-3453
BUYING
AUTOMOTIVE
the right guyCarpet Cleaning, Inc
Certified Cleaning for CarpetTile/Grout, Area Rugs,
Upholstery, RV’sResidential/Business/Rentals
www.TRGCarpetCleaning.comFor Reviews & Pics • 19yrs Exp.630-264-4369 Free estimates
CARPET CLEANING HANDYMAN
GARAGE DOORS
EGGS FOR SALE
al’S eleCtrIC(Semi Retired, but not Tired)
Licensed • 45 yrs ExpJust Call Al (630)514-6569
ELECTRICAL
Ed & Judie’s Chicken &Duck Egg Farm: Self Service
6S260 Hankes RdAurora (630)907-0775
$125 Mixed Face Cord$150 Oak Face Cord
Free Delivery/Stacked630-907-0775 Ed
FIREWOODASPHALT
DRIVEWAY REPAIRINSTALL & PATCHING
ASPHALT SEAL COATING & STRIPINGANDEL SERVICES, INC
Hand Applied Se Habla Español
Office: 630 566 0210Cell: 630 675 7102
ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE... WWW.ORANGEPEELGAZETTEKANECO.COM • PAGE 14
HanDYMan-naIlS-ItHome Improve/Rpr/Maint
handyman-nails-it.com(630) 360-3039
HELP WANTED
Glass Repair & ReplacementBroken window/door Repair
224-228-1000Classic Glass and Glazing
GLASS REPAIR
2 plots available at Mount Auburn Memorial
Park • Stickney, IL630-892-3395
CEMETERY LOTS
Work Home:Travel Agents/Sales Rep Leaders/We Train
Spare Time/Full TimeInterview 888 648 3030
FOR SALE
Crest Motel - Bartlett, IlDaily $55, Weekly $275
WiFi, Satelite TV, BreakfastNear Metra 630-631-7075www.extendedstayatcrestmotel.com
EXTENDED STAY
General/Electrical Contractor Building,
Equipment, and Materials For Sale 630-330-0574
gary’s Painting & Handyman (630)409-6002$25/hour local
$27/hour long distance
JaCK OF all traDeSSpecializing in plumbing,drain rodding, electrical,
carpentry & drywall repair.Residal/Comm Quality Work
Unbeatable PricesNora 630-747-4691
Dennis 630-301-4731
HANDYMAN
Mike’s Home Improvement20 yrs. exp. No job too
small. Ref avail. Qualitywork. Reasonable rates. Free
estimates. [email protected]
HOME IMPROVEMENT
400 baseball cards from1960-1999 in binders
at $1.25 eachCall Jim 847-741-0555
HOUSE CLEANING
Veronica & Audelia’sHouse Cleaning Services
630-506-2895630-935-5287
ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESGREAT RATES - GREAT RESULTS - CALL TODAY! (815)751-1286 • PAGE 15
Wanted to buy junk -Cars, Trucks, Farm
Equipment/MachinerySemi-Trucks Trailers
Free Pick UpCaSH On SPOt!
(847)456-0974
WANTED
rOn’S QualItY PaIntIngInterior - Exterior
Affordable & CleanOver 25 years experienceFree Estimates - Insured
(847)489-9907
Band Instruments: Cellos Open Hole Flutes, Trumpets
Double French Horns, Saxophones (847)951-7098
lanza Masonry Inc.Brick, Stone, tile
Pavers retaining Walls 847-833-3384
MASONRY
aguaS reMODelIngAll Kinds of Repairs;
Electrical - WallsBathrooms - Kitchens
PaintingHabla Espanol
(847)809-1102 Jesus
J & l BuIlDerSHandyman ServiceBasement Finishing
Kitchen & Bath RemodelingYour Complete Remodeling
Service. Free Estimates(630)334-1322
J-lBuIlDerS/facebook
Sleeping Room $90/weeklyClean/Quiet, Non-smoking
Refrigerator accessAurora 630-247-1031
FOx valleY PaIntIng
Call/text 630-485-1442
two Men and a trailerSmall to Medium Moves
TVs, Dressers, Beds, CouchesReasonable Rates
630-918-5554 Big Ken
MOVING
Trees are dormant in Winter,BUT Arbor Joe is NOT!
Call ISA Certified ArboristJoe (224) 789 - 8773. www.arborJoe.com
Above & Beyond Paintingby Stuart; Interior - ExteriorPainting and Remodeling;
Professional Insured Clean;Over 35 years experience;No job too big or small....
Call today for free estimate;Mary 331-251-5766 or
Brian 630-709-8470
PAINTING
REMODELING
Wiltse’s Landscaping &Lawn Care
Lawns, cleanups & mulchingfertilizing & weed control,
pruning, plantingresidential & commercial
hardscapes - (815) 508-7502
TELL OUR ADVERTISERS, “I SAW YOU IN THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE.”
Bill’s Custom ServicesInterior/Exterior
Painting & Drywall Etc.Wallpaper hanging/removalOver 20 Years Experience
Free Estimates/Insured Now Offering Carpet Cleaning
(815)482-4155
OFFICE SERVICESSuperb Office Services
• Computer Classes• Quick Computer Repairs• Desktop Publishing/Flyers• Print Restaurant Menus• Church Booklets Printing• Custom T Shirt Printing/
Design for any Occasionelgin (847) 741-1007
Baker’s Window CleaningResidential/Commercial
(630)854-7716(630)859-7716
TREE SERVICES &BOOM TRUCK SERVICES
ANDEL SERVICES, INCTree Cutting, Trimming,
Stump Grinding, Chipping,Haul Away
Call the office or text my cell for estimate
Se Habla EspañolOffice: 630 566 0210Cell: 630 675 7102
TREE SERVICE
WINDOW CLEANINGREMODELING
INVESTINGBORING LIFE???
Do you want to make yourlife more interesting?
Learn to invest in Real Estate and have the freedom
and time you Deserve!Text “interesting” to:
630-675-7102 along withyour name and e-mail.
laWn Care SPeCIalAerate $35 (48”Gate)
Fertilizer $59 (0-10,000)Overseed Free with A & F
Beautiful Lawn & Tree Care630-585-0221
LAWN CARE
ROOM FOR RENT
Sleeping Room Availablefor Female; $125 weekly
Clean & Quiet in N. Aurora331-250-6311
Looking for modern and collectible fire arms.
PaY CaSH! 630-365-9700 www.kanecountycoins.com
INDUSTRIALSPACE FOR RENT
Batavia, Sugar Grove, St. Charles & Woodridge office & warehouse space for lease, from 1,500sq ft to 12,000sq ft. For info Call Don 630-330-7637or Sarah 630-318-2341
Next Issue Ad DeadlineJanuary 16 January 4
To appear in the next issue of the ORANGE PEEL GAZETTEcontact Michelle at (815)751-1286
Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable. Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous stories and
jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only andare not meant to disrespect or harm any group or individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to considered as an endorsement or validation by Orange Peel Gazette for products or services offered.
WANTED
LOOK FOR OUR NEXT ISSUE ON JANUARY 16, 2019
ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE... WWW.ORANGEPEELGAZETTEKANECO.COM • PAGE 16
Expires 1/31/19 Expires 1/31/19 Expires 1/31/19
Expires 1/31/19
630-262-8484
servicenowhomeservices.comMust be during regular business hours. Excludes maintenance. May not be
combined with any other coupon or disocunts. Expires 1/31/19
630-262-8484We will be at your home in ONE HOUR or we will give you $50 OFF your repair. When you present this coupon/mention this ad.
HOME OF THEONE HOUR SERVICE
acceptingE sCraP
• aluminum • Brass • Copper • Stainless Steel • Steel • Iron• Insulated Wire • Batteries • aluminum Cans• Siding 336 east Sullivan • aurora
m - F 7:30 - 4:30sat 7:00 - 12:30
State CertIFIeD SCaleSCOntaIner & truCKIng ServICeS
toP CasH PaID
forFerrous &
non-Ferrous metals
Ecology Tech Inc
630-844-3344www.ssmetalrecyclers2.com
1 Block e. of rt 25 on Sullivan
Since 1988
the nickel There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs
out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn'tknow what Junior's problem is, but the boys like totease him. They say he is two bricks short of a load,or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior hischoice between a nickel and a dime. He alwaystakes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the storemanager got him off to one side and said, "Junior,those boys are making fun of you. They think youdon't know the dime is worth more than the nickel.Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, orwhat?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quitdoing it!"
no enemies A new minister was talking to the oldest member
of his congregation. "I am 90 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in
the world," said the aged one. "That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman
approvingly. "Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say
that I've outlived them all."
I have keys but no locks.I have a space but no room.
You can enter, but you can’t go outside.
What am I ?
KEYBOARD
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