The Second Book of Esdras (The Book of Nehemiah) with Haydock Commentary
Andrew Haydock - Double Trouble
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Transcript of Andrew Haydock - Double Trouble
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ndrew F. Haydock
DOUBLE TROUBLE
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Copyright © Andrew F. Haydock (2015)
The right of Andrew F. Haydock to be identified a a!thor of thi
work ha been aerted by hi" in accordance with ection ## and
#$ of the Copyright% &eign and 'atent Act 1$$.
A right reer*ed. +o part of thi p!bication "ay be
reprod!ced% tored in a retrie*a yte"% or tran"itted in any
for" or by any "ean% eectronic% "echanica% photocopying%
recording% or otherwie% witho!t the prior per"iion of the
p!biher.
Any peron who co""it any !na!thori,ed act in reation to thi
p!bication "ay be iabe to cri"ina proec!tion and ci*i cai"
for da"age.
A C-' cataog!e record for thi tite i a*aiabe fro" the ritih
/ibrary.
-+ #$ 1 #$55 $12 ('aperback)
www.a!tin"aca!ey.co"
Firt '!bihed (2015)
A!tin 3aca!ey '!biher /td.
25 Canada 4!areCanary harf
/ondon
61 5/7
'rinted and bo!nd in 8reat ritain
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PRELUDE IN D FL T MINOR
9n the way to the chape they paed thro!gh the "ain body of the ho!e. The
"!ty "e which had been noticeabe in the od adie: fat intenified% catching
at noe and throat.
;Thi pace i p!re boody "ingin:%< aid !i*an.
;-t i bady in need of reno*ation% indeed%< aid 3acorey.
;!t ook%< aid &!nda% ;that: rea cay = they:*e got that f!rry iia"
3orri wapaper.<
;That%< aid &e*orgia% ;i "o!d. hoe r!ddy ho!e i ai*e with it.
e% what - ay i% after "e the de!ge.<
;/ook ike it: ahead o: ched!e% then%< "!ttered !i*an% ooking !p toee where the drip were co"ing fro" and tepping deicatey o*er the 4!eching
carpet !nderfoot. ;-ndoor paddy fied = there: a no*ety% we.<
;hat: that yo!:re aying% 3r >?<
;'addy Fied% the we@known -rih ing!it. 'oor b!gger co!dny te hi
6re fro" hi ebow.<
;&on:t tak rot< napped &e*orgia. ;8ot eno!gh of the rea thing aro!nd
here to be gettin: by on.<
They went on in ience. Foowing the od ady% &!nda beca"e aware of a
ditinct creaking noie. At firt he wondered if it wa her Boint% b!t conc!ded
that% !nder the oied yeow ba@gown% he wa wearing coret. They proceeded
aong a corridor with wa botched with da"p and "arked by rectang!ar
patche where painting had once h!ng. &e*orgia witched on a torch% b!t it
anae"ic ight did itte to brighten the cene. ;o! can ha*e a ook at the
"intre: gaery if yo! ike. Hang on a tick and -: ight the ga in there. -t: dry%
at any rate.< aying which% he diappeared thro!gh a c!rtained archway to the
eft% c!tching her o!t@at@ebow cardigan aro!nd her.
;+ow% there: an attraction%< aid !i*an% ;a wee oai of dryne% eh?
e% whoopidooh.< He nee,ed eDpoi*ey.
;&anie% peae% no arca"%< aid 3acorey. ;e "!tn:t p!t her back !p
now% not when we:*e co"e o far.<
;arca"? +othin: arcatic abo!t it = that wa totay honet an: incere
nee,in:% Ah: h!* ye know.
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A "eow gow appeared behind the ragged% dirty c!rtain. ;After yo! with
the "intre%< aid &!nda.
;- drea"t - dwe@het in "arbe ha@choo< !i*an: ong wa c!t hort by
renewed nee,ing. The three of the" entered the gaery. They fo!nd the"e*e
on a raied patfor" abo*e a hadowy ha echoing with e"ptine% the ban4!eting ha of Eendreich Ho!e. The red ight of the dying day tinted the
!pper pane of the enor"o! window b!t tr!gged to penetrate the acc!"!ated
gri"e.
The "intre: gaery wa at firt ight of i"ited interet% B!t another
e"pty pace owy !cc!"bing to the force of decay. ;&on:t ean on the
raiing%< ca!tioned the ady of the ho!e% ;or we: be craping yo! off the foor
down there. 9h% and taking of foor% take a ook at thi.< he witched the torch
back on to how the" a faint ine of "arking on the foor% paired feet@haped
"arking aong the ine of the !pect raiing. There were% he tod the"% o"e
pecia effect which co!d ony be appreciated fro" certain fiDed poition.
;6r% what ort of effect% eDacty?< aked &!nda% wiing to how interet.
;9h% teing yo! in ad*ance wo!d poi the !rprie.< &e*orgia capped
her hand in a poiti*ey girih fahion. ;The !rprie i a part of the f!n% don:t
y:know? +ow% if yo!:d B!t tand here% 3r 3acwhatit ><
;orey = it: 3acorey.<
;9h% don:t apoogie +e*er eDpain% ne*er apoogie: > who wa it aid
that? And yo!% here% in the "idde. That: it > o*ey.< he ined the" !p in order
of height% 3acorey the taet% then &!nda% and !i*an nearet the doorway.
;9kay%< he aid% once they were poitioned to her iking% ;tand !p
traight% no o!chin:% tay right where yo! are whie - go down and t!rn it on.<
he wa*ed a hand to indicate the ca*erno! goo" of the ban4!eting ha. ;Eeep
yo!r eye on that chandeier% got it?< he went off and they heard her foottep
opping away down the corridor.
They waited in a ience crepitating with "a% "yterio! noie which
the popping of the gaight do"inated b!t did not "ak% o!nd of the od
b!iding: grad!a de"ie. 3acorey tood ta ike a g!ard"an whie the other
two foded their ar" and h!nched their ho!der againt the chi. ;e% b!gger thi for a ga"e o: odier%< aid !i*an% abandoning hi pot in fa*o!r of a
o!nging pot!re in the doorway.
3acorey per!aded hi" back into ine. ;e ha*e to h!"o!r the wo"an%<
he !rged. ;The chape > it: *ita we ha*e a ook ro!nd the chape. -f there are
c!e% that: the "ot ikey pace to find the"% and thi "ay be o!r ony chance to
ee it.<
A door creaked open beow. ;A et !p there?< caed &e*orgia. ;+ow%
keep watching the chandeier% "ind. tand !p traight% that "an on the eft<
&!nda fiDed hi eye on the nearet chandeier. -t aterford cryta!tre were tarnihed and d!ed by d!t% and wag of backened piderweb
h!ng fro" it% waying in the dra!ght fro" a broken window o"ewhere. &iffic!t
to i"agine it ighting cene of feating and re*ery in ong gone day before
deoation ca"e to Eendreich Ho!e. ;hen wa thi pace at in !e% d:yo!
know?< he in4!ired.
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;9!ch< went 3acorey. &!nda wa t!rning to ee what had happened
when he too wa tr!ck on the head by a padded ha""er winging down fro" the
ceiing. ;9w< went &!nda. !i*an Berked hi head away fro" the third
ha""er% b!t not 4!icky eno!gh to a*oid a gancing bow. ;9oyah< he yeed.
;That h!rt% ya od bitch<
;A i"pe% "eodio! o!ch: !ffice% 3r >< repied &e*orgia. Then
fro" the depth beow ca"e an eerie% witch@ike cacking% echoing and re@echoing
aro!nd the *at e"pty pace. The at of the cri"geo!r wa a!ghing.
;ear ince -:*e had the chance to p! that one%< he tod the" when they
Boined her in the ha% ti ch!cking to heref and ignoring !i*an: back ook
and the reproachf! eye of the other. 3acorey wanted to know the hitory of
the !n!!a "echani" that had B!t been de"ontrated. Thi% the od ady
infor"ed the"% wa the ceebrated h!"an Dyophone% the creation of one
arthoo"ew cri"geo!r% dating fro" 1##. he howed the" the keyboard% a
harpichord adapted to the p!rpoe and connected to the ha""er abo*e by aneaborate yte" of wire and p!ey.
;arthoo"ew: eder brother ea!regarde went off to Boin the 'retender
and fe at C!oden a"ong the bare@ared highander > no fit co"pany for a
gente"an. art wa kept ho"e by hi father to afeg!ard the fa"iy fort!ne
whate*er way the cookie cr!"bed. Fr!trated in hi "artia a"bition% he t!rned
to "!ic and in*entin: thing. The re!t wa the Dyophone.<
;Ah !ppoe he tried it o!t on "e"ber o: the fa"iy?< !ggeted !i*an%
r!bbing hi head in a pointed "anner. ;That co!d acco!nt for a good dea ><
;Certainy not Fa"iy had an ade4!ate !ppy of ackey and peaant
back then% for yo!r infor"ation. art wo!d go to great pain eectin: "en of
grad!ated i,e and ti"bre of *oice for hi perfor"ance. &r Gohnon% -: ha*e
yo! know% wa greaty i"preed by art: concerto for groan and *ioin:% the
core of which ha !nfort!natey got ot.<
!i*an wa heard to "!tter abo!t that being one good thing at eat% and
wa ro!ndy tod to top whinging abo!t a itte tap on the head. ;ob!t ene of
h!"o!r they had in thoe day. +ot ike today: iy ot.
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CH PTER ONE
&!nda had tod no@one abo!t it. He p!r!ed hi reearch and eDperi"ent in
ecret% not o!t of "odety = when the day of hi tri!"ph arri*ed% he:d ho!t it to
the hea*en = b!t fro" the int!iti*e con*iction that ience and ecrecy were
e"powering. abbing o!t yo!r a"bition% on the other hand% enfeebed the wi.
-t co!d% "oreo*er% aro!e kindred a"bition in other% who "ight then go on to
coop the poo. eca!e% gory apart% it wo!d !rey rain "oney on the peron
who ca"e !p with the ong@o!ght o!tion to @@@@@@@@@@.
o"eti"e he didn:t e*en te hi"ef what he wa !p to% proceeding% a it
were% in a fit of abent@"indedne with eDperi"ent any one of which% ike the
pontaneo! generation of peniciin in Fe"ing: !nwahed petri@dih% "ight ead
to that e!reka "o"ent.
The e4!ip"ent re4!ired wa neither eDteni*e nor obtr!i*e% and
doc!"entation wa kept to a "ini"!". Iiitor to &!nda: bed@it at 2J 3!ngo
t% 8agow Cowcadden wo!d ha*e fo!nd itte to pro*oke pec!ation = B!t a
"otey coection of Bar and botte% a ooe@eaf foder with a grey cardboard
co*er% and = the ony !ggeti*e ite" = "ore "irror than the occ!pant: ho"ey
forty year@od feat!re wo!d ee" to warrant.
A toen gance at the content of the foder wo!d ha*e eft the *iitor
itte% if any% the wier. The b!k of it conited of it of date% with the briefet
indication of the re!t obtained fro" a *ariety of eDperi"enta approache to
@@@@@@@@@.
o"e typica entrieK
Friday% 3ay 2rd% 1 = nothing
T!eday% G!ne #th% 1 = nothing
Friday% G!ne 1#th% 1 = nothing
3onday% G!ne 20th% 1= nothing
!nday% G!ne 2Jth% 1 = nothing
T!eday% G!y 5th% 1 = nothing
!nday% G!y 10th% 1 = nothing
edneday% G!y 20th% 1 = nothing
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Th!rday% G!y 2$th% 1 = nothing
A eer "an% faced with !ch conitenty negati*e re!t% wo!d ha*e
grown dico!raged% conc!ded% perhap% that the probe" wa ino!be% and
taken !p Tai@Chi or gardening intead. +ot o &!nda% howe*er. A he aw it% hewa engaged in a proce of ei"ination in which e*ery bank drawn% e*ery dead
end eDpored% bro!ght the "ethodica reearcher coer to the goa.
!nday% A!g!t #th% 1 = nothing
T!eday% A!g!t 1Jth% 1 = nothing
3onday% A!g!t 22nd% 1 (bank hoiday) = nothing
Th!rday% epte"ber 1t% 1 = nothing
And o the great day of dico*ery ca"e that itte bit coer.
And "eanwhie > "eanwhie &!nda wa obiged to be at a ti"e
a*aiabe for work% a per hi Bob@eeker: contract. He attended the oca Gob
Centre% canned the it *ac notice@board% went on the reco""ended co!re%
took aptit!de tet% and appied for the tip!ated n!"ber of Bob per "onth. He
wa% in hort% the *ery "ode of a Bob@eeker. He had gi*en ti"e and attention to
honing hi Bob@eeking ki to a high e*e of efficiency. Finding Bob wa not a
probe" = it wa getting the" and keeping the" that defeated hi". He wa one of the onget@er*ing Bob@eeker on the book.
9n the abo*e@"entioned Th!rday% the 1t of epte"ber on which% yet
again% hi reearch ca"e to nothing% &!nda preented hi"ef% according to
ched!e% at the Gob Centre. He wa confronted by an !nfa"iiar face% a yo!ng
wo"an with ank brown hair and pro"inent teeth. The card in the window
identified her a a 3 3cEen,ie.
;here: 3r 'reton?< he aked. ;- away ee 3r 'reton.<
;3r 'reton i on ea*e at the "o"ent. - wi be deaing with yo! for now. -
hope >< he ga*e hi" the briefet of "ie > ;that o!r aociation wi behort. 'oiby% taking a freh ook at yo!r work credentia% - can ><
;hen: he co"in: back% we?<
;-f yo! "!t know% 3r 'reton ha appied for a tranfer. +ow% a - wa
aying ><
;9h% and hi" and "e got on o we !t that: great new > it: what -:*e
been tein: the boy for "onth now% no to get t!ck in a dead@end Bob. 6h% no
offence% of co!re. o!:re new to it% aren:t yo!?<
;o!:re "y firt cient% 3r &!nda. And% - hope% "y firt ><
;Tho!ght a "!ch. They !!ay gi*e "e the new one. -t: kinda a rite of
paage hereabo!t% know what Ah "ean. e% nice to "eet yo!. e happy to
hep yo! any way - can.
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;That: what we:re here for 3r > &!nda%< "!"bed an aready conf!ed
3 3cEen,ie.
;o"e o: the chancer yo! get in here > yo! ha*e to keep yo!r wit abo!t
yo!% eh no? Tro!be i% yo! being new an: that% yo!: get anded wi: a the
hopee cae.< He get!red to the crowded benche% the d!@eyed% fidgetingocc!pant.
;H"% ye >< 3 3cEen,ie took a deep breath% h!ffed the paper in front
of her% recaed her training and raied% taking her c!e fro" &!nda: at re"ark.
;+o cae i hopee% 3r &!nda. +ow>< he !ggeted they "ake a new tart
in re*iewing hi it!ation. ;o"eti"e yo! B!t ha*e to co"e at thing fro" a
different ange.<
;Lh!h% ike atera thinkin:% yo! "ean? Thinkin: o!t o: the boD.<
;6Dacty%< aid 3 3cEen,ie% b!iy croing and ticking the boDe on the
heet of paper before her.
;o!r C.I%< he contin!ed% ;what wo!d yo! ay wa it tronget point?<
;3y 9@e*e in French.<
;French 9@e*e > o >< he "o*ed on to the neDt boD. ;And how do yo!
en*iage thi faciitating yo!r e"poy"ent propect?<
;- think - wo!d "ake a good g!ide > a to!rit g!ide% that i% not > the
other ort.<
;hat other ort i there?< The recording pen ho*ered% !ncertain whether
thi inp!t beonged in one boD% or two.
;The gir g!ide.<
3 3cEen,ie eyed hi" !picio!y. &!nda "et her ga,e !nbinking% a
"idne and cando!r.
;A to!rit g!ide >< he re!"ed. ;H" > we don:t ee "any French
to!rit hereabo!t% do we?<
;That: what 3r 'reton aid%< aid &!nda% get!ring to de"ontrate hi
grap of the 8aic tye of co""!nication. ;An: - tod hi"% it: B!t poor
ae"anhip% that: a. - p!t "y propoa for re*i*ing Franco@8agow reationin the etter - ent the 'ro*ot an: the French con!.<
;And what did they ay?< aid 3 3cEen,ie% ditractedy. he wa
earching for a boD appropriate to thi atet ite".
;- ha*eny had a repy yet. The etter to the con! > it wa the a"e etter -
ent the 'ro*ot% b!t in French% of co!re.<
;And when did yo! !b"it yo!r > propoa?<
;3ind yo!% -:" !re the French con! here peak perfecty good 6ngih.
-t: part o: the what yo! "ight ca the Francophobe agenda to portray o!r Frenchfriend a too arrogant to earn other peope: ang!age. 9n the other hand ><
;hen did yo! end thee etter?<
;Two year ago co"e +o*e"ber.
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A ience inter*ened. The inter*iewer !"ped back in her eat and p!red
her ip% taring at the inter*iewee a if not 4!ite crediting hi act!aity. The
inter*iewee ret!rned her tare with a ook of g!iee innocence.
6*ent!ay &!nda ceared hi throat genty to "ake a !ggetion. ;3r
'reton !ed to ak "e abo!t "y at pe of e"poy"ent.<A gance at the Gob Centre cock tod 3 3cEen,ie that the target inter*iew
ti"e had a"ot eaped. !t he had not yet f!fied her et 4!ota of ticked and
croed boDe. he a!nched into a barrage of 4!etion. here% when and how
at e"poyed? &!ration of e"poy"ent? For what reaon e"poy"ent
ter"inated? o!d yo! conider appying for work again a"e fied?
;To te yo! the tr!th%< began &!nda% reetting hi"ef "ore co"fortaby
in the chair% ;- think -:*e been backbaed > or wo!d that be backited? >
-:*e been backited by the hote ind!try in the et of cotand. There wa an
incident% y:ee ><;e% we% the detai are probaby not tricty ree*ant to ><
;> an incident in*o*in: a 4!antity o: cooking oi and the window@boDe at
the front of the hote. - > ah > watered the window@boDe with cooking oi. !t
it wany "y fa!t% tein: yo! = it wa thon big eedgit o: a "anager. ee what it
wa ike > it wa ike that caic "iitary cock@!p% yo!: "ind% at the batte o:
aaca*a% when the whatyo!"acait > the > och% it: on the tip o: "y tong!e<
;indow ceaner?< !ggeted 3 3cEen,ie% whoe head wa tarting to
pin. ;e% window ceaner% there: an opening yo! "ight care to conider > own
bo% ow tart@!p in*et"ent = yo! co!d appy for a grant Cean% heathyo!tdoor work ><
;Aide@de@ca"p% that: it The aide@de@ca"p pointed o!t the wrong et o:
g!n an: thon way Cardigan ead the poor boody /ight rigade into the *aey
of death > into the fire fro" three ide ><
;Lh!h > fire brigade > not !re if yo!:d pa the phyica% b!t definitey
worth a try.< 3 3cEen,ie% in a fren,y of boD@fiing% ga*e !p trying to keep
abreat of &!nda: career in catering.
;> A in the *aey of death rode the iD h!ndred.:<
;Lndertaker% right. There: not "any intereted in taking !p that ine of
work% o yo!:d ha*e a good chance. 9k% that: three good% oid idea we:*e co"e
!p with to get yo! back into e"poy"ent.<
;> o%< &!nda conc!ded% ;it wa the "anager "ade the "itake% hi"
pointin: to the tap on the big dr!" of cooking oi% no to the water tap that wa
yard to the eft of it. !re% - noticed it wany water co"in: o!t that dr!" >
tho!ght "aybe it wa o"e kind o: pant food. - "ean% he wa the "anager% he
directed "e to the dr!"% - tho!ght he knew what he wa doin:. 6r% what: thi?<
3 3cEen,ie wa p!hing a paper at hi".
;-t: the protoco. ign here% peae. And thi i yo!r copy. e"e"ber to
bring it back in two week ti"e. 9r get yo!r e"poyer to fi in the for" at the
back% if yo! !cceed in ec!ring e"poy"ent before then.<
;!t yo! agree% don:t yo! > it wany fair "e gettin: the chop on acco!nt
of hi" endin: "e to the wrong tap?
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;8oodbye% 3r &!nda% and good !ck. +eDt peae<
;3r 'reton agreed with "e. He aid ><
;+eDt<
&!nda fo!nd hi"ef o!t on the treet with a piece of paper co""itting
hi" to eek e"poy"ent at hi eariet con*enience a a window ceaner% or a
fire"an% or o"ething caed a "ort!ary er*ice operati*e:. He co""itted the
paper to the eariet con*enient bin and "ade hi way ho"eward% p!,,ed. How
had the wo"an drea"t !p thoe partic!ar occ!pation? They:d had a peaant
chat > pity to poi it with too "!ch protoco.
T!rning the corner% he ran !p againt an obtace. -t wa a arge% d!ty@back
pra". The hood ca!ght hi" in the chet% the body ra""ed hi" in the g!t and the
aDe bit painf!y into hi hin. hie he fo!ght to dientange hi"ef% hi ear
were aaied by a hideo! bronchia creeching.
;3ind o!t% ya gaiket ba"pot% ye oody@we own the pa*e"ent% dae ye?<
Thro!gh watering eye% &!nda percei*ed that the creecher wa a bent od
wo"an in a pink cardigan b!ttoned !p to the neck and a ong tartan kirt. A
headcarf fra"ed a brown% wrinked face i*id with acc!ation.
;ee if ye:*e ga!n an: wakened the wean% "iter >?<
&!nda fet intanty aha"ed of the brief i"p!e to *ioence that had
ei,ed hi". ;-:" o orry%< he aid% approaching the od ady and poitey
repreing any reaction to the powerf! tench of .9. and cheap cent that h!ng
abo!t her.'oitene f!rther re4!ired hi" to *iew and appro*e of the baby% her
grandchid% pre!"aby. ;- B!t dote on babie%< he ied. ;3ind if - take a ook at
the wee o!?<
The crone oftened her eDpreion% baring her few !r*i*ing teeth in what
he took to be a "ie. &!nda bent down to ook inide the pra"% and wa
!rpried to ee that the baby% !nder a pink wooy bonnet e*era i,e too arge%
wa back. -t "et a"ot a bad a it grannie.
-t opened it "o!th in a yawn% howing harp white fang on red g!". -t
wa a cat.
;e?< i"pered the hag% praying ai*a% ;whit d:ye think o: "a baby?
-n:t he the wee darin:% b!t?<
&!nda ooked her in the eye% aw "adne in thoe !nken% !nfoc!ed
orb% and ooked away again. ;Ay% right eno!gh%< he "!"bed% ;he: in a ca of
her own% that one.<
He i"ped off% ea*ing the creat!re dribbing endear"ent into the pra". -t
wa pitif!. hat co!d he% a a f!y paid@!p "e"ber of the h!"an race% do
abo!t !ch degradation? He co!d% he reaied% "ake a good tory o!t of it to tehi drinking cronie at the 6"piricit: Ar": >
;> then what doe he do b!t !nb!tton her cardie an: whip o!t thi
withered !"p o: feh > it: hinging down practicay to her wait% and B!icee
> !ee an: B!icee% yo! co!d ay > b!t there he i offerin: it to the cat% an:
the cat: no intereted% an: the od da"e: tartin: to oe her rag > Then >
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Then &!nda t!rned another corner and ot a track of the tae he:d been
fabricating. The ky !ddeny brightened% fower boo"ed o!t of eaon and
birdong fied the air. He had ighted% o"e way down the treet% a wo"an. he
ported a ha*en head with a high p!rpe cret. he wa wearing a ki"py b!t
we@fied t@hirt% a i*er@"eh "inikirt and hiny red boot with high hee. he
wa the ony wo"an in the word for hi"% the o*ey% the inco"parabe% the e*er@e!i*e one.
Their reationhip went back e*era "onth to the night when &!nda%
hocked to ee !ch a deicate creat!re o!t and abo!t in peting rain witho!t o
"!ch a an !"brea to hied her% had in*ited her !p to hi roo" ;for a war".<
To hi !rprie% he had accepted. Then% whie he wa engaged in ighting the
te"pera"enta ga fire% he had tripped off her wet thing and got into hi bed.
;That: right%< &!nda had aid. ;-f a Bob: worth doin:% it: worth doin:
we. -: B!t get o!t the cothe hore and yo!r t!ff: be fine and dry in no ti"e
at a.<
he had reponded with !en ience or abr!pt "onoyabic retort to hi
atte"pt at "aking ight con*eration. he co"pained abo!t hi" not ha*ing a
TI. he ent hi" o!t for chicken and chip% a botte of Coke% and cigarette.
Finay% he had faen aeep hafway thro!gh hi acco!nt of how he had co"e to
water the hote window@boDe with cooking@oi. &!nda had co*ered hi"ef with
hi donkey@Backet and ept in the ar"chair.
-n the grey ight of "orning he had wakened to find her !p and dreed and
on the point of ea*ing. ;Hey% wait%< he aid. ;hat: yo!r na"e% b!t? o! ne*er
tet "e yo!r na"e.<
;tea.<
;tea > ata > o*ey na"e% that. -:" Gohn% by the way% Gohn &!nda.
6h% tea what?<
he gared at hi". ;hit: it tae yo!% onyway? Ah:" tea > tea
Artoi% right< And with a "ocking creech of a!ghter he wa off.
Artoi &ico*ering that he wa French ga*e her added a!re in hi eye%
and ao er*ed to acco!nt for the c!rt way he had with the 6ngih ang!age.
Her ee"ing r!dene wa "erey the inartic!acy of one tr!gging with aforeign tong!e. To!t co"prendre% c:et to!t pardoner: = the od aying had rarey%
he fet% been "ore appropriate.
&ico*ering the o of a fi*er fro" hi waet wa a tronger tet of
forbearance. He tod hi"ef that he:d been too hy to "ention her need. For a
he knew% he had an aiing% bed@ridden "other to care for on inade4!ate ocia
ec!rity benefit.
There wa a 4!i*ery feeing in hi to"ach% and a f!h of heat that t!rned
hi ear bright red. He wa% he reaied a at once% in o*e. Thi wa it then% the
rea thing% the f! ro"antic work. Fort!natey% he wa prepared. o"e ti"e pre*io!y he had bo!ght a notebook with "arbed co*er and thick% crea"@
coo!red paper. He wo!d write her a poe"% The teiad: in fi*e book of
twenty@fi*e tan,a each.
tea% yo! are the taright of "y ife
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-: be yo!r o*ing GoBo% yo! "y wife.: it began% pro"iingy eno!gh% in hi
opinion. GoBo: wa to be her pet na"e for hi".
After that firt ti"e% he had taken to co""andeering hi bed@it at
irreg!ar inter*a. o"eti"e he wa dr!nk% b!t o"eti"e% to hi aar"% he
wo!d appear with a back eye or br!ie% or with torn cothing. &!nda eethed
with indignation on her behaf% b!t 4!icky earned to repect her i"patience of a4!etioning. Hi atte"pt to peak French ony ee"ed to enrage her% d!e%
do!bte% to hi bad accent and fa!ty gra""ar.
9n thee occaion% in any cae% there wa itte need of peech. -t had
beco"e a ro!tine. The ate@night or eary@"orning knock at the door. A beary@
eyed &!nda cra"bing to open. tea enter% and wait in ience% face a*erted%
a he dree. He ook at her in "!te appea% b!t he repond with a hake of the
head and a get!re in*iting hi" to "ake hi"ef carce. 9n hi way o!t% he
"!"be a 4!etion. he tick o!t her hand and take hi "oney. A oon a he
i o*er the threhod the door coe fir"y behind hi".&epending on the ti"e% he wo!d then wak the treet ti "orning% or p!t
!p for the night on the i*ing@roo" co!ch at hi brother &o!g: pace in 'ook.
hiche*er% he went hi way with bowed head and a hea*y heart. !t what co!d
yo! eDpect% when yo! "ea!red o!t yo!r ife in attendance at the Gob Centre?
o"e day% tho!gh > when hi hip ca"e in% when he preented the word
with the o!tion to @@@@@@@@@ Then% and then ony% wo!d he be worthy of her >
Approaching her now% he aw that he wan:t aone. he wa with one of
her n!"ero! !nce that he:d tod hi" abo!t in a rare b!rt of confidentiaity.
They were h!gging each other in a !rpriingy paionate "anner. For thee8aic type% he !r"ied% thi wa the e4!i*aent of a war" handhake. A an
ardent Francophie% &!nda regretted the accident of birth which had depoited
hi" o!twith the co!ntry he regarded a hi pirit!a ho"eand% a"ong e
phyicay de"ontrati*e peope.
tea% he knew% had a i"ited co""and of 6ngih% b!t the !nce wa an
!nknown 4!antity. &!nda fet co!rtey@bo!nd% accordingy% to open con*eration
in French. The French% he knew% re*ered phioopher >
;onBo!r% "onie!r%< he addreed the !nce of tea. ;&ite@"oi% :i *o!
pait% 4!e pene,@*o! de &ecarte?<
ith a noie ike a ink@p!nger diengaging fro" a drain% the !nce
retracted hi tong!e fro" tea: throat. ;Co"e again% Gi""y?<
;'aron FranMai% donc. &ecarte% a "on a*i% a*ait pa pener a! dehor
de a boite.<
;ho: thi way% an: what the f!ck: he oan aboot? Haw% tea% d:yo!
know thi g!y?<
tea t!rned her bank ga,e on &!nda and hook her head o *igoro!y
that one of her fae eyeahe ca"e off and parapaned downwind ike a pider.;+aw< he aid. &enying hi"% the "inD
;Away tae f!ck then% bady<
;How we yo! peak o!r ang!age%< &!nda tod the obber@ipped%
"!c!ar oaf% t!rning to go. A f!rti*e backward gance wa rewarded with ight
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of the beo*ed: p!"p b!ttock and "ini"ait ingerie a her kirt rode !p !nder
renewed a*!nc!ar h!gging.
ighing% i"ping% and eDperiencing o"e diffic!tie in the crotch region%
&!nda went on ho"e. Ho"e wa a one@roo" fat in a cr!"bing two@torey
ho!e at the end of 3!ngo treet% neDt to a fyo*er the dark !nderide of whichwa a pop!ar hang@o!t of wino% down@and@o!t and g!e@niffing teenager. The
gro!nd foor fat wa occ!pied by the /o*e. 3r and 3r /o*e had a n!"ber of
not@noed brat% a dog caed Fang% and a do!btf! rep!tation. The !ptair fat
had been partitioned. 2JC% neDt to &!nda: roo"% wa c!rrenty !net% tho!gh
&!nda o"eti"e heard noie of occ!pation co"ing fro" neDt door% and
!pected the /o*e of ha*ing picked the ock and of harbo!ring d!bio!
character of their ac4!aintance in the e"pty bed@it.
eaching hi roo" !n"oeted% &!nda decided to !bi"ate hi !rge in
the interet of cience% not to "ention hi f!t!re weath and fa"e. He got o!t the
grey foder% which had 'roBect : incribed on the co*er in neat red ettering.Caref!y adB!ting the "irror% he et !p the reading a"p to gi*e opti"a *iion.
Ten "in!te ater% he recorded the re!tK
Th!rday% epte"ber 1t% 1 (afternoon) = nothing.
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CH PTER TWO
;>pay g!id "oney for a badne c!re that worked ><
Thee word Berked &!nda o!t of a daydrea" in which he wa rich%fa"o!% and dic!ing honey"oon ocation with tea Artoi in !ni"peachabe
French.
They Berked hi" back to the n!g of the 6"piricit: Ar"% where a"
3cAiter wa hoding forth to an a!dience coniting of !i*an% 3acorey
the /ewi"an% and% a of hi at re"ark% &!nda hi"ef.
;hat get "e%< contin!ed 3cAiter% ;i bein: abe to grow hair on "a
face nae bother% where Ah don:t want it. !t a for !p here >< he indicated hi
cap% naked% f!hed and hiny with perpiration% ;nothin: doin:. hat Ah "ean
to ay i% it: a kinda per*ere arrange"ent% eh no?< aying which% he foded hiar" and gowered aro!nd the tabe% defying anyone to arg!e hi" o!t of !ch a
egiti"ate grie*ance.
!i*an% ne*er a*ere to paying the roe of picador to 3cAiter: b!%
ficked back the ock of back hair that tended to get in hi eye and ai"ed a dart.
;-n thee day o: gene "anip!ation an: t!ff% new "edica "irace by the "onth%
ye:d think they co!d ay on a traightforward kin graft ike that.<
;hat: kin graft got tae dae wi: it? tick to the point% we.<
;i"pe. hift the kin frae Baw and neck on top% tick the bady bit down
beow% and there ye are > one fine% nat!ray@grown% h!ndred percent organichead o: hair to yo!% ir o!dn:t ye o*e to ha*e the ike o: 3ac here: beard
growin: on yer n!t% now?< 3acorey troked the beard in 4!etion% which wa
ong and c!ry and brownih@grey in coo!r% b!t decined to get in*o*ed in the
fray.
;oock< napped 3cAiter. ;Tak ene% or dinna tak at a.< He
conoed hi"ef with a ong dra!ght of H!"e: 6nighten"ent Ae% the peciaity
of the ho!e.
;:no boock at a. kin i kin% :cept that o"e o: it grow hair and o"e
o: it doeny. And > what abo!t the coatera benefit? H!* ye tho!ght o: the"?<
;hat d:ye "ean% coatera benefit:%< gr!"bed 3cAiter.
;Thrown in wi: the Bob at no eDtra cot G!t think o: the a*in: in ti"e an:
"oney fro" no e*er ha*in: to ha*e again That: the bea!ty o: it = t!rn a
iabiity into an aet in a oner.
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;H"ph< went 3cAiter.
;Act!ay% they did try o"ethin: of the ort >< &!nda% againt hi better
B!dge"ent% Boined in. ;At thi reearch intit!te in > eh > Caifornia. 6ary
re!t were rep!ted to be pro"iing% *ery pro"iing% b!t >< He pa!ed for a
wig of beer and inpiration.;!t what?< There wa hope in 3cAiter: eye% a g!ibiity won o!t
o*er ceptici".
;!t the fina report wa !ppreed% f!nding withdrawn% and the tea"
dipered to *ario! far@f!ng part of the word. o"e to the Tropic ><
;> o"e to Antarctica%< p!t in !i*an% dead@pan. ;eah% Ah "ind o: it
now.<
;!t why the he did they dae that?< proteted 3cAiter. ;3ean to ay%
wo!d:*e "ade their fort!ne% an operation ike that. There: a big eno!gh
de"and% !rey.<
;Aye% an: !ppy o!ght to "eet de"and% in thi perfect capit@ait word%<
aid !i*an. ;!t it: no that i"pe. Te a" what wa behind it% Gohn.<
;Thae big ra,or co"panie% that: who > 8iette% ikinon: an: the".
o! canny ba"e the"% reay > they were ookin: at a i,eabe proportion o:
their "arket gi*in: the" the bodywer*e if that there operation wa "ade
a*aiabe to the bady p!bic.<
;An: they "ahed it !p%< aid !i*an% ooking con*incingy downcat.
;They p!t the knife in%< aid &!nda.
;Aw%< aid 3cAiter.
;!t ni deperand!"% a"%< aid !i*an. ;G!t a cap tranpant% then%
that: do ye% won:t it? Take a trip to o"e third word co!ntry% get ahod of o"e
dirt@poor Gohnny wi: penty of hair on :i n!t and ,ich a ee% pay hi" > or her%
whate*er take yer fancy > a co!pa h!ndred 4!id to do a wap wi: yo!. ingo<
;- knew a "an once%< began 3acorey.
;hat d:ye reckon% Gohn?< aid !i*an. ;Co!dn:t ye B!t go for a" here
when he: wingin: the" ho!der@ength% ra*en@back tree% wi: B!t a hint o:"!ky perf!"e? 9r an Afro% "ebbe? A bondie? it "ore eDpeni*e% that% b!t it:d
et hi co"peDion off fair o*ey.<
;Ach% top arin: aboot< went 3cAiter. ;-t: a erio! 4!etion for ot o:
fok% b!t yo!% yo! take nothin: erio!y% dae ye? 6*en yo!% that: a bady yere%
Gohn ><
;Thi "an that - knew > we to te yo! the tr!th he wan:t a friend%
eDacty% being "ore of the nat!re of a ca!a ac4!aintance ><
;o% what abo!t hi"% we?< aid !i*an% t!rning hi attention to
3acorey and ea*ing 3cAiter to i""er. ;a he bonde or br!nette.<
3acorey infor"ed the" that the "an in 4!etion had been% tricty
peaking% neither% b!t totay bad. ;-n cone4!ence of which% o the poor feow
"aintained% hi wife had eft hi".<
;here:d he go% we?
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;-f yo! "!t know% tho!gh it i carcey ree*ant to the affair% he ran off to
the "ainand with an in!rance "an fro" Eye of /ochah.< -n the iting tone
and "ea!red cadence of the Hebridean orator% 3acorey re*eaed that the
ac4!aintance had !be4!enty checked into a pri*ate cinic for a hair@grafting
operation of the type where hoe are p!nched in the cap for the inertion of new
root@hair.
3acorey pa!ed for effect% dropping hi eye to the tabe and caping hi
hand in a re*erentia "anner. Ceary% the highpoint of the dra"a wa abo!t to
!nfod >
;&on:t te !%< chipped in !i*an. ;Think Ah heard abo!t the cae.
an:t that the one where they p!t the root in !pide down an: the g!y end !p
"akin: "edica hitory = bad a e*er on the o!tide% b!t the hair growin: on the
inide o: :i cap wein: o!t hi heid ike a p!"pkin? They had to c!t ><
;+ot at a o!:*e got it a wrong< 3acorey wa r!ffed o!t of hic!to"ary poie. ;The "an took a heart attack !nder the anaethetic and died. He
wa a dentit on enbec!a.<
The incone4!ence of thi at piece of infor"ation et !i*an and
&!nda off on a a!ghter Bag.
;:no a a!ghin: "atter. The "an: deid< coded 3cAiter% ipping
do!ry at hi pint. etting down hi "!g% he atte"pted to recai" the !bBect by
re*erting to the origina grie*ance. ;h!t Ah w! ayin: i% hair grow
e*erywhere ye don:t wantit. -n yer ear% yer noe% yer oDter. &oon here an: a
>< He indicated the ower portion of hi beer drinker: pa!nch. ;3ean to ay%whit: the point o: a: that hair oan yer bey? hat good: it daein: there% we?<
;-t: part of o!r e*o!tionary heritage% a"%< aid 3acorey. ;/ike yo!r
appendiD% or the *etigia taibone at the bae of yo!r pine. That hair > it: a
kind of h!"an f!r% to keep yo! war". -n the ice age ><
;Eeep "e war"% i it?< cried 3cAiter% getting heated. ;-t: preciey here
>< he capped a hand to hi head% ;Ah fee the cod. e know yere% Gohn%< he
appeaed to &!nda% ;it: no B!t a "atter o: yer appearance% or > or *anity% an:
that.<
;e% ye:re no ha*in: a tranpant fro" down there%< aid !i*an.;-"agine% wakin: abo!t with a oad o: p!bic hair on yo!r heid. +o decent% no
decent at a.<
;Ach% away Hair: hair. Fok:d ne*er know the difference.< 3cAiter
gared at !i*an a if thi hypothetica operation wa a reaity% and !i*an wa
barring hi" fro" it.
;+o know the difference? hat% an: yer face on the front page o: the !n
for e*erybody to ee? a"!e 3cAiter% % reported to be "akin: good progre
after the firt e*er% gro!nd@breaking% bey@to@bonce kin@graft operation? 3an%
yo!:d be fa"o!% b!t. Fa"o! > and h!nned by one and a.<The dic!ion% ha*ing reached the ogica i"it of iogicaity% gro!nd to a
hat at thi point.
NNN
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&!nda had participated in baiting 3cAiter with fantay hair@
repace"ent che"e% b!t there had been an edge of !neaine to hi a!ghter.
For thi wa the area of reearch in which he hi"ef had a ong@tanding interet.
Tr!e% 'roBect : had no !rgica ee"ent% b!t the !ti"ate goa wa the a"e.The notion had co"e to hi" one !""er "orning a he ay in bed awaiting
o"e eDterna ti"!! that wo!d gi*e hi" a reaon to get !p that day. ird
were twittering o!tide in the hedgerow% the /o*e were throwing thing at each
other inide% and fro" the fyo*er ca"e the contant grind of traffic. oothed by
thee fa"iiar o!nd% &!nda wa content to ie on% idy checking o*er the
ordered i"picity of hi one@roo" habitat% with en@!ite bathroo" and own
cooking faciitie.
The far wa wa occ!pied by e*era tier of he*ing% bowed !nder a
coniderabe weight of book. 'ride of pace on the "idde hef had beenaocated to a "a pater b!t of 'ato. The phioopher had a bad head b!ging
with brain% and on thi head% at that partic!ar "o"ent% a !nbea" aighted%
enhaoing the ancient 8reek and inpiring &!nda with a "iion in ife = the
4!et for a non@!rgica treat"ent for badne.
That which the "ind concei*e% &!nda beie*ed% "!t ha*e o"ewhere an
obBecti*e correati*e. The wonder hair@retorer% then% aready eDited% abeit in
o"e other g!ie. A he had to do wa find it% and tet it o!t on hi own bad
head.
He ooked for it now in hi i""ediate *icinity. The ee of at night:cocoa appeared to be the ony poibe candidate. e% it wa a ti"!ant% wan:t
it? He reached down for the "!g% and fo!nd r!bbery kin o*er a tricke of i4!id.
9*erco"ing hi dig!t% he "ahed it into a pate with hi forefinger and cooped
it o!t onto hi head% cap pricking at the codne of it. He at !pright% keeping
hi head teady% waiting for the t!ff to war" before r!bbing it in. He fe to
daydrea"ing abo!t the f!t!re fa"e and weath to which the path he had B!t that
"o"ent tarted aong wo!d !rey ead. +ewpaper write!p% tee*iion
inter*iew% thee were a!red. 3ight he not apire to a +obe 'ri,e for er*ice
to h!"anity?
Then the doorbe rang. And rang again. 6*identy% the cae wa !rgent.Co!d it be tea Artoi in ditre? -t wan:t her !!a ti"e of day for caing on
hi"% which "ight "ean that he wa "ore than !!ay ditreed. 'erhap% thi
ti"e% he:d accept a ho!der to cry on > he co!d ha*e her choice of two.
&!nda B!"ped o!t of bed% threw on hi d!ffe coat a an i"pro"pt! dreing@
gown% and r!hed to open the door.
3!ch to hi diappoint"ent% it wan:t tea Artoi. A fat itte "an with a
"o!tache peered at &!nda with eye that wa"% "!ch enarged% behind the
a4!ari!" ga of hi pectace. &!nda tood arreted in weco"ing "ode% ar"
open and head co!rteo!y incined. He hatiy dropped hi ar"% and p!ed hicoat aro!nd hi" to concea hi b!e boDer hort. !t the *iitor: a4!eo! eye
were fir"y fiDed on hi head.
;Aye% 3r Tho"on% it: yo!re:. 3!t be that ti"e o: the "onth again%<
aid &!nda.
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;-t co"e ro!nd reg!ar% right eno!gh%< reponded the other% breaking off
hi cr!tiny of &!nda: head to !n,ip a back patic attachO cae and prod!ce a
foder bo!nd in i"itation eather. Thi wa &!nda: rent book. Hi ditr!t of
co"p!teried banking yte" entaied thee "onthy *iit fro" the etting
agency.
;How: thi weather !itin: yo!% then?< aked &!nda% paying for ti"e a
he tried to re"e"ber which book he wa c!rrenty !ing a a c!rrent acco!nt. 3r
Tho"on didn:t repy. He wa taring ro!nd the roo" in a ditracted "anner%
craning hi neck to eDa"ine the ceiing with partic!ar interet.
&!nda riffed thro!gh The 8oden Trea!ry:% b!t got no Boy of either the
caic or the ro"antic poet. He tried The 8oden ook of 3arc! A!rei!:%
which fe open on a paage decrying the *anity of riche% b!t otherwie decined
to ait hi".
;&o "!ch readin: yo!re:?< he in4!ired. !t 3r Tho"on wa engaged ininpecting the ceiing ight with it cracked% d!ty a"phade. A &!nda ooked
on% he raied hi hand and capped% a if abo!t to a!nch into o"e wid /atin@
A"erican dance.
hr!gging off thi dipay of i*eine on the part of a nor"ay do!r and
!nde"ontrati*e "an% &!nda reached !p to the top hef for The 8oden
o!gh:% and hit pay dirt in the for" of r!ting fi*er and tenner. He co!nted o!t
the re4!iite !" and t!rned ro!nd to offer it to the rent"an% who wa B!t
e"erging fro" the bathroo"% ooking p!,,ed.
;o% where are yo! keepin: it% then?<;Eeepin: what?<
;The bird. o!r eae% et "e re"ind yo!% eDprey prohibit the keeping of
pet on the pre"ie. 6Dception cannot be "ade for bird. ird i pet% !nder
the "eaning of the pro*io. here: the bird?<
;ird? hat bird are yo! on abo!t?<
;The bird%< decared 3r Tho"on% pointing a forenic forefinger% ;that:
hat on yo!r heid.<
;!t that: no birdhit. That: B!t >< &!nda p!ed !p on the *erge of re*eaing what "ight t!rn o!t to be a highy !crati*e ecret. Cod% congeaed
cocoa (with two !gar) B!t "ight be the wonder for"!a the word wa waiting
for.
;/ook ike birdhit to "e%< aid 3r Tho"on% beco"ing tr!c!ent. ;!t
yo!:d know better% of co!re% eeing a it: yo! that: waking abo!t with a big
dod o: the t!ff on yo!r napper. hat i it% we% if it: no birdhit?<
;6r"% er > it: birdhit% ye yo!:re right.< A gea" of tri!"ph fickered in
the rent"an: fih@ike eye. ;!t there: no bird in here% tein: yo!. - wa B!t >
eanin: o!t the windae% drinkin: in the air% ike% when a dirty great eag! ca"edown at "e ike a di*e@bo"ber. pat% bang on target irdtrike Then yo! rang
the be ><
-t o!nded good% co"ing fro" o"ebody ike &!nda% who ooked too
"!ch of the innocent to be a iar. -t o!nded o good% he wa haf con*inced
hi"ef for a "o"ent that !ch had been the way of it.