Amen OmenChapter:1 “Lye Siphoned In My Veins”

Dear Pinky.

Hello.I named you Pinky dear diary!

And I don’t even know why I’m writing a journal.But all the rich people

keep one don’t they?So I hope I get rid of this lonely feeling.Arnav ji is busy

these days.It has been a month now.He comes home late and leaves before

the sun comes up.He even slept in his office for 2 straight days.His company

got this big project of making a hospital.And that keeps my husband busy

these days.I would’ve been fine with his absence but he has been around me

so much,he has been so close that now even a little time away tortures

me.But I know everything is going to be fine.The hospital work will be done

in 2 to 3 more weeks and then things will go back to normal : )

They will right?

What the!?Arshi is crying.Let me go check.

_____________________________________

Hey back!

Arshi is literally the most peaceful child I have ever seen or even heard

of.She never cries or throws tantrums or gets up in the middle of night and

pee.

She is very civilized and domesticated. A lot like my husband and nothing

like me!Well may be a little like me.Her pink lips are just like mine.And her

thumbs too.With a little misplaced nails :D

But other than that she is nothing like me!She inherited all her good looks

from her father.As if I wasn’t important enough! :P

She only cries when in severe crisis.I remember when we brought her home

for the first time from the hospital.Arnav ji was so prepared that she is going

to cry and not let me sleep at night that he made me sleep at 2 in the

afternoon so that my sleep wasn’t compromised.For the first week,Arnav ji

stayed up all night just to make sure she was okay and I slept properly.He is

such a sweetheart :’) I’m so lucky to have him.All thanks to Devi Maiyya!

But Arnav ji realized that she didn’t need him up and he didn’t have to exert

himself that much.She slept away most of the hours of the day and at night

just opened her eyes.Her Arnav ji like eyes.She didn’t cry or even move!

“I think we need to see a doctor Arnav ji.What if something is wrong with

her?” I had worriedly asked Arnav ji on the dinner table with the whole

family sitting.

And before Arnav ji could answer,Nani spoke up.

“I don’t think that will be necessary Khushi bitiya.Because our Chote was

just like this too.He also never cried.”

Arnav ji smiled at Di listening to that but Di didn’t reciprocate the gesture.

Arnav ji had dropped his head and looked defeated.As if he was tired of

trying and failing.It had been weeks and he was trying to persuade Di.But no

success.And it was now I learnt that stubbornness ran in the Raizada

blood.Because Jija ji was a bit reserved too.But he was improving every

passing day.But Di was solid.Strong and firm on her decision that she would

not forgive him…Even if that meant forgetting him.

And then there was Nanhay Ji.Nothing that happened shook his love for

Arnav ji.And now he had a toy to play with;Arshi.And he thanked Arnav ji

every morning for bringing her to life.As if I wasn’t important enough! :D

And Nani.She hated Arnav ji for the first few days.She didn’t talk to

him.Didn’t even care that he was trying very hard.But as the days passed,she

saw how sorry Arnav ji was.And how deeply he meant it.So she finally got

over her reservations.And now it was as if nothing had happened.But

yes,every now and then she would deliver a lecture.Arnav ji listened to it

calmly.

Mami ji pretended not to care.But I could see in her eyes that she was

disgusted by what Arnav ji did.

And Jiji.Honestly,I didn’t think that Arnav ji would care what she thinks and

what she feels about him.But he did.

“Payal I know.If someone would’ve done what I did to your sister,with my

sister,I would’ve killed him.I am your culprit.And I know that I don’t

deserve your forgiveness,but I need it.” Arnav ji went to Jiji’s room one

evening.But what Jiji did literally broke my heart.She practically slammed to

door at his face.

“Shut the door behind you.” She had just answered plainly and Arnav ji left.

Days passed and Arnav ji made no move.But then one good fine morning he

walked up to her again and said ‘Hey’ with a big smile.

But Jiji turned him down again.

“No matter what happens.No matter what you feel or how much you want

to.You are not apologizing to Jiji again!” I pulled him to our room where

Arshi was sleeping.

“I deserve this Khushi.” Arnav was broken hearted.

When he said things like that,two sudden urges bloomed inside me.One to

punch his face!And second to hug and kiss him.And take all the bad

memories from him away forever.

Btw,how did that happen?Back at Buaji’s.No matter what happened,I was

team Jiji over anything and everything.

And that day when she was being rude to my husband for me,it felt as if

someone had siphoned lye in my veins!

No one talks to my husband like that!Outside the house he doesn’t allow

anyone.And inside,I won’t!

Oh see who’s back!Aarav from the school.

He looks pissed :/ Looks like he had a fight with someone.How dare anyone

touch my son!?

Gotta go.Need to protect my ASR’s!

P.S I love ASR’s…All three of them.

Chapter:2 “Sometimes…Somethings”

32nd day.

It has been 32 days.32 damned days and stil this hospital looks nothing even

near completion.Who knows how long is it gonna take.

So the other day I go home,yes obviously it was past midnight when I did;So

I go home and see Khushi scribbling something on her pink sparkly

notebook.When I asked what it was that she was doing,she simply said ‘a

distraction’.Pretty impressed sometimes by the way she answers :D So she

told me the same night that she had begun writing a journal.At first it

sounded really stupid.Like seriously?What are we? 12 ?

But then she said that it really helped.

And then I thought…May be,just may be Khushi has a point.Where we both

stand,we really do need a distraction.And who cares if it’s a journal or some

novel or some movie.Any thing that works is good enough.

So from today,I’m also starting to write a diary.Not the traditional way

though.I can enter everything in my laptop.So made a simple Microsoft

Word 2007 file.

How do people do this?Write everything?Pretend that a book can solve their

problems?How the hell will I do that?But if Khushi can,so can I so lets start.

It has been like 9 weeks.My princess is healthy and in my arms.Not very

literally since I hardly get a chance to go home these days…But you know

what I mean right? (Heavens!I sound like a psychotic teenage loner!)

9 weeks to that and about 4 weeks to this hospital.The offer was simply too

good to turn down.So I thought lets do it.And now I regret taking that

offer.A few million rupees only you see…But on the brighter side,only a

few more weeks to go and things will be back to rainbows and unicorns!

Well hopefully.

Arshi is the prettiest thing ever!I swear.Prettier than her mother if that is

even possible! But really she is adorable.Dark hair,hazel eyes,pink lips and

that little red nose she got from her mom.Geez! I don’t see myself anywhere

in her.May be just in the behavior that she never cries ;)

P.S I never used to cry.Now sometimes I do.And in the recent past I have

cried a lot.Damn you Khushi!How much you’ve changed me :P

But somethings also never change.Sometimes…Somethings.

Like Di.She…well she is…

Can we not talk about that?Don’t want my heart to ache again.

Whats new?This girl in our office.Can you guess who she is?

Can’t believe she’s back!

Lavanya!

Yes Lavanya Kashyap.I thought that things with her will get awkward

since…You know…the broken engagement thing and the almost wedding

thing blah blah blah?

But guess what?Things are all cool!She behaves normally and has actually

changed a lot!And for good!She is no more the girl who lacked dimension in

her life.She now is a woman.Strong,determined,focused and with an aim!

Can’t imagine how happy Khushi will be seeing her.They were friends you

see.And good ones.I never have had many close friends so I wont lie,I don’t

know what that feels.But I know my wife.She will be happy.

And Lavanya will be happy too.She’ll get back her Chamkili!

It’s been a week Lavanya came back.But as soon as she did,I sent NK and

her to Goa for some important paperwork.

Believe me I didn’t want to,but I had to.

So we didn’t tell Khushi that she’s back.It was Lavanya’s idea as we all

know that Khushi wouldn’t have let her go.And what difference did one

week make?

Besides,Both of them are coming back tonight.Talking of that,I forgot to

send some one to pick them up!

The flight will land in about 40 minutes!

Let me send someone and come back!

_____________________________________

Well,this is not as hard as it seemed.I am writing and not hating doing so!

Wow!

Khushi you’re a trend setter <3

How damn f***ing much I love her.And miss her.Miss her long black wet

hair as she would come out of the shower in the morning.Miss her pink nose

whenever I would get any closer.Miss her hugs,miss her presence…Miss

everything so much!

…I was thinking,that what if we both het used to to this and loose what we

had.I mean how long can she wait for me while I waste myself in the office?

She might give up one day.I really hope she doesn’t.

What the!? Where the hell did that thought come from! I’m day drunk…AT

NIGHT!

Well serious now.I have never found myself being tortured as much as I

found myself tortured when Khushi told me the whole Aman story.That

night I realized that no matter how tall and strong walls you build around

you,you just can’t stop the pain to reach you.

I can still picture that night.Di had taken Arshi for the night and there was I

laying in the bed holding my crying Khushi close to me.

“Arnav ji…” She was heavily sobbing.And also trying to hold the tears

inside her.

“Ssshh Khushi.I don’t care about anything else.Just you.Knowing that you

are fine and with me is enough”

I was scared to death.What if Aman had touched Khushi? I still don’t know

if I have a big enough heart to love Khushi the same way if something of the

sort God forbid happens!

But God then again,has been immensely kind.Thank you.Who ever and

wherever You are Khushi’s devi maiyya.

“I have never seen someone that crazy Arnav ji.He literally kidnapped

me.He had a nerve to!”

“How did he get you Khushi?” I had asked.

“I left you a text message and walked out of the hospital.It was only a few

yards pass that he found me.”

I was ignoring all sort of questions that would might lead to Khushi telling

me what I dreaded the most.I think I know myself.I would’ve killed

Aman.But I don’t think I know myself well enough to answer that would

have I stayed with Khushi then?

Of course I would have!Trusting Khushi enough,I would’ve known that

whatever happened was one sided.Of course I love Khushi.And of course I

will stay with her no matter what happens.

“He used to bring me jalebis every night.And then tell me stories of how he

fell in love with me.That was so disgusting to hear Arnav ji.That was so

tragic!And then he would leave the room saying that he would not do

anything till I didn’t ask him to!He was crazy Armav ji!”

Khushi had hugged me after that and I hugged her back.She had put me out

of my misery.Nothing had happened.Good!Aman gets to live now.

“Khushi,just put it behind you.Think of it as a bad dream”

“You can hardly do that Arnav ji.One hardly can.There never was a night a

didn’t cry and miss you.I dreamt of you every single night.”

“That’s because you as well ;Mrs.Khushi Kumari Gupta ,are my dream.”

I kissed her gently on the forehead and pressed her to me.I wish I had

enough comfort to offer her that night.But how could there ever be enough?

“You just need a distraction Khushi.Find yourself one.” I had suggested.

“Arshi isn’t enough?She keeps me busy.”

“No.She keeps your body busy.Not your mind.” I had answered.

And that was the last word we shared.She nodded and then a lulled her to

sleep.And next morning when I woke up,she was down in the living room

with Arshi and Aarav looking happy and satisfied.

Oh wait!NK is calling.Let me be back.

___________________________________

Stupid flights!Stupid stupid stupid flights! He said his flight is 5 hours late.I

mean come on!How far is Goa?

Well,this means now I have to go home.Since the flight is late I shall call it a

night.

Shantivan and family,here I come!

I will right tonight from my poolside*

____________________________________

Hey there again.

It’s been 3 hours I’ve got back home.Had a nice dinner and now at my

poolside.

You know what happened when I walked in the house?

Khushi was sitting at the poolside doing something with her diary.I tried to

be as silent as possible and then from the back,kissed her soft lips.Khushi

obviously kissed me back.

‘Excuse me?You know I have a husband?’ She asked.

‘Oh really?Where is he?’ I answered back in the same mood dragging the

word where to wheeeeeereeee :D

‘Good question!Because I have been thinking the same from a while now.’

She answered.

Damn.I knew it.At last she would say something.I mean we are married and

she deserves all my time.And lately that is not happening.

‘Ummm well you’re right Khushi’ I replied caressing her face.And it was

almost as if it had been a long time since we had been together.

‘I was kidding!Come on you!’ Khushi cheerfully said.

(Did I mention I love her?)

“Yeah…” It was all I could say.Wanting to say the words no one had ever

said in the history of time to his wife;Yeah was all I could say.

“How was your day?” She asked.

“Long.Boring.Yours?”

“Nothing different” She said with a shrug.

“Hey we could catch a show for some movie tonight?” I offered.I was hell

tired.I had been working my ass off.But she deserves this man.All my

time,all this effort,she is worth it all.

She had this look of confusion on her face.

“I would love to.” She answered.But it looked as if her sentence wasn’t yet

complete.

“But?”

“But,I promised I’ll help Aarav with his homework tonight.Had I had an

idea you would come home,I would have not made plans.” She looked

sorry.Leave look!I knew she actually was sorry!

“Come on relax!You’re doing the right thing” I said with a smile.

“You don’t hate me for this?” She asked innocently.

(Did I mention I love her?)

“Oh come on!” I pulled her closer and kissed her forehead.

“Sure?” She asked.

“Positive.You handle the male ASR.I will handle our female ASR.” I could

use sometime with Arshi.I had missed her too.Plus I am scared she might

forget me.What if tomorrow night or the night after that I come home and

pick her up and she doesn’t give me that billion dollar smile?What if she

fails to recognize me because I am that absentee father no kid loves?

“Oh that would be amazing!” She happily said and threw her arms around

my neck.

I smiled.

“And what about the original ASR?” She asked;hinting towards me.

“He is very self sufficient.Don’t worry” I winked at her.

And there…She left the room.

Chapter 3: “The Rainbow Belt”

Dear Pinky

It has now start to bother me.This is not supposed to be happening.We

hardly see each other these days.And I’m not saying that it’s Arnav ji’s

fault.I’m just saying that what’s happening shouldn’t be happening.

I now regret a lot you know.I should’ve went with him to watch the movie

he wanted us to watch.I could’ve told Aarav that I will help him out some

other day but I didn’t.Why?

Knowing that being with him is all I want,I turned his offer down.What

the…?

I miss us so much.He is no more there.Ever.

He has his breakfast in the car,usually skips lunch and dines out.And Arshi

exhausts me so much that I go to bed at about 10.And I have no idea when

he comes home.

How are we going to get through this? All the married couples spend some

quality time together.Just we don’t.

Amma and Bau ji I remember used to go out for a walk every evening.And

they always returned smiling.

And look at us.

Well tonight I promise I won’t sleep.I will stay up.I will welcome him home

and talk with him.Talk and talk and talk.

Ji ji needs me.Let me see.I’ll be back.

_______________________________________________

Hey there again Pinky.

It’s 3 in the morning.I am writing because I have nothing else to do.I’m

waiting for Arnav ji to come home.I said I would didn’t I?

I called him at about 1.He said that he’ll return in half an hour.Well a lot

more than that has passed surely.And still there is no sign of him.

May be I should give up.Just quit. I can’t keep up with his routine. Mostly

because he doesn’t have a routine. He follows no timetable. How can I

adjust myself with that?

20 more minutes and then I’ll be off to sleep.

.

.

.

Wait! I hear someone!

_____________________________________________________

Dear Pinky.

It was about 3:15 when Arnav ji came home last night.And remember how I

ran through the hallways and down the stairs back then when Arnav ji had

challenged me not to hug him?When I got scared of the dark and saw a

shadow? Yes exactly. That was exactly how I ran to him last night. And if

you’re wondering, he hugged me back just like the old days. My heart beat

went crazy.My raw emotions were all over the place. Trust me after months

that feeling came back. That feeling of uncertainty and being in love.

Back then we were so in love but none of us had named our love. And one

good fine day it was labeled. And today here I stand. As Mrs.Khushi Kumari

Gupta Singh Raizada. Not for some definite period of time.But for eternities

to come and go.

“Wow.You’re still up. I thought you would’ve slept” said my favorite ASR.

I was speechless. What could I have said to him? That I had slept? But then

woke up because he was the most important; everything and everyone came

secondary.

I did not even move when I was in his arms. I soaked in his scent, his

warmth and felt protected. It was as if I was home.

“What took you so long Laad Governor?” I instead asked. And to be honest,

even his reason of being late didn’t matter. He was here now. Who cares

about anything else?

“Don’t tell me Khushi! You still call him that!?” A familiar voice rang in the

darkness from the shadows behind my husband. I knew this voice. This

female voice. I knew her. But this couldn’t be true. It can’t be her. It can’t be

her!

I moved then. Set myself free from his embrace and moved slowly in the

direction of that voice. Still holding Arnav ji’s hand I was taking little baby

steps. And then I raised my head and looked at Arnav ji with questioning

eyes. Silently asking him the questions I had yet not put in words…

Arnav ji in response just shrugged. And I rolled my eyes.

“Bhow!!” The woman stepped out and the lights turned on.

It was her. Knew it!

“Haye Devi Maiyyan! Lavanya ji you?” And the next thing I know she gave

me a bone crushing hug.

“Who else Chamkili?” She asked with teary eyes.

“How? Since when? How come I don’t know?” I showered her with half a

dozen question in one breath!

“Hmmmm seems like your husband is a little too good at kepping secrets!”

She plainly answered and hugged me again.

“Oh come on! Don’t cry Khushi!” Arnav ji came from behind me and

pressed my shoulders.

I had not noticed but I was crying. My cheeks were wet.

“My cheeks are wet?” I asked. Not sure for whom the question was intended

to be. Myself or Arnav ji.

He nodded. “And your nose is red.” He repeated his world famous words.

I gently punched him on his chest and hugged him too.

What a night it had been.

“Wow. Almost everyone I love is here!” I said feeling emotional.

“It’s good that you said ‘almost’!” A voice behind me said.

Nanhay ji!

He came from behind me and stood in front of me winking.

Everyone smiled. And I looked at their beautiful faces glowing with true

happiness.

“Yes of course! I was missing you! How was Goa?” I asked Nanhay ji.

And this whole time Arnav ji had his hand around my waist keeping me

tagged to him.

“Oh I kept him entertained.” Lavanya ji winked.

What?? I was confused.

“Hold on… You have been in India the whole past week?” I asked her.

And I had no idea? Wow. My best friend comes back and I don’t know.

“You should have told us.” I spoke on behalf of myself and Arnav ji.

“Ummm Khushi… actually…” Arnav ji was struggling with words.

“What?? You knew?” I was perplexed.

What was happening?

“I came back for AR Designs. Had to go to Goa in emergency as soon as I

came back. Nanny was going. I went along. Knew if you came to know you

wouldn’t let me go so I thought what harm is there in waiting for another

one week blah blah blah” She gave a speech in one breath without stopping

or taking any break.

Excuse me Pinky if all I noticed in her speech was ‘Nanny’.

I looked up at Arnav ji. And he reassuringly blinked his eyes. Promising me

that he would explain the whole story to me.

“Well…” I began.

“Come on now. Don’t be mad. I am exhausted and can’t do another ‘Oolala’

dance for you.

And everyone smiled.

Oh the good old days… But then I looked at Arnav ji and remembered how

it was not being in love with him…

Well, may be not THAT good! :D

“So what’s the plan? Which room can I take?” Lavanya ji asked.

I began to think.

“The guest room is empty. You can use that. But the AC is not working…” I

said.

“You can use my room. I’ll be good on the couch.” NK volunteered.

I could not help but notice this new fondling bond between the two of my

favorite people.

I looked up at Arnav ji again and he smiled.

“Okay then… All’s settled. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” Lavanya announced

and left for NK’s room.

NK started to pile the cushions on the sofa and Arnav ji took my hand.

He gently kissed my hand and said “Go upstairs. I’ll be there in two

minutes.”

“One and a half?” I asked him. Obviously I couldn’t stay away from him for

another minute.

“80 seconds” He smiled and jogged outside the house.

I went upstairs checked on Aarav. Fixed his blanket and came to our room.

And to my ultimate surprise; Arnav ji was already there.

“That was quick” I commented.

“It was slow…The day was very slow.” He said in return.

“Mine too.”

“How are my ASR’s?” He asked.

“Not as handsome as you…But decent.” I winked.

“Ouch! What is happening to our sweet innocent Khushi?”

“Her husband’s absence is driving her crazy.” I flatly said.

He thinned his lips and held both of my hands.

“Just a few more days Khushi. Suffer with me.” He requested.

I nodded.

And then brought back my chirpy mood.

“You know what? Today I went shopping.” I told him.

“Really? What did you bring for me? Another baby sized suit that wont fit?”

He jokingly asked.

“No! Stop taunting me now! That was like centuries back!” I protested.

“Come on. That was one of my favorite gifts.” He said.

“What? Why?” I asked.

“That awesome way of yours of taking my measurements…Was very

attractive.” He winked.

My heart skipped a beat as I remembered that. How stupid was I and how

adorable was he!

“Your nose…” He said.

“Red again?” I asked.

“Red is my favorite color.” He leaned in closer and kissed the tip of my nose

as I stood there frozen.

“Are you trying to make out with me Laad Governor?” I asked kiddingly

and stepped a few inches back.

“No…I’m trying to make up. For my absence.” He said and came closer to

me and took my hand. He led me to the chairs and made me sit.

“What?” I asked.

“Wait” He said and disappeared.

I don’t think I’ll ever tell him. But I loved his surprises.

Each one of his surprises was so special. Be it the bangles or projection of a

starry night. All of it holds so much space in my heart.

“Arnav ji? How long?” I called out.

“Five minutes Khushi!” He said.

Oh wow. So what would it be now? He was very creative with these ideas

but yet very simple. Last time he simply brought me my favorite food and

had me in tears :D

Then came a thought… If he was planning to do something, May be I should

too.

And thinking of an idea to please him didn’t take me long.

I dug in my closet. Our closet. There was a side with a collection of dark

colored suits and then there was a side Arnav ji called ‘The Rainbow Belt’

where all my colorful dresses hung.

I pulled out something I knew he would love.

I took that dress and ran to the washroom.

“Khushi?” He called out.

“Here.” I hurryingly said and stepped out of the bathroom wearing the sari

he had given me on my birthday and I had arrogantly refused to wear. How

stupid was I back then.

The pink and green sari was beautiful. His choice was commendable trust

me! And as I wore that I instantly felt special.

What a fool I was. I turned him down that day :/ If I ever get lucky enough

to relive that day…I know I’ll choose better. I’ll choose him.

The look on his face when he saw me in that sari was heart melting. His eyes

went half teary and he quickly pulled me in a hug. And I simply smiled. I

knew what it meant to him. I know what I mean to him.

“You wore it…” It was more of a declaration than an answer.

“I had no choice.” I smiled.

“Khushi… I…” He was struggling to find the right words. And I knew what

he wanted to say. I held his face in my hands and nodded.

“I know” I said and he smiled.

“Well it’s my turn now.” He said.

And my excitement and curiosity was at its highest peak.

My pupils widened with anticipation and he took me to our bed. Sat me

down and turned on the TV.

This time I waited patiently. I did not ask any question.

And in moments I found out.

He had played our wedding video! I had been waiting for so many months

for this!

“Wow! Arnav ji! Thank youuuuu!” I exclaimed.

“Calm it down Khushi! Arshi…”

To say her name was enough. She was sleeping right in the middle of us;

soundly.

I smiled. “Okay mom!”

And then I got lost in the video.

His bachelors party, our sangeet , all the functions and then finally the

wedding day.

My eyes went wet seeing him wounded. And just to stroke his face I turned

to him. But only to find him asleep.

His innocent gorgeous face. He was working too hard. I got up from the bed

and went to him from the other side. Kissed his forehead and inhaled his

scent and whispered.

“Thank you. For the best surprise present ever.”

He moved a little sleepily and said.

“Mmmm… This was not the surprise.”

What?

“What? Then…?” I asked confused.

“I have all day off tomorrow. Lavanya and NK will deal with office and its

stuff.” And saying that his slee deepened.

Truly. No man would ever love me as much.

Truly. My heart shall never beat this way again.

Truly. This was where I belonged.

And then I went to sleep with an assurity. After weeks Pinky; I felt that life

was a garden. And he was was my favorite flower.

Chapter 4: “Racing Cars”

36th Day:

Woah! After weeks I slept good. On my own bed with my two favorite girls.

Arshi and Khushi. But I think I slept a bit too much. It’s about 2 in the

afternoon and Khushi has gone to pick Aarav up from the school. Di has

taken Arshi to the mandir and NK and Lavanya are in the office.

“Oh I’m sorry ASR. I didn’t get you anything. So tell me now. What do you

want?” Lavanya had asked that day.

She didn’t buy me any present from London. So she asked me.

“Honestly Lavanya, I don’t want any ‘thing’” I had answered.

And truly I didn’t. All I wanted was a few hours; few tension free hours with

my family.

“Ahan? Let me ask Nanny”

Ummm sorry? Have I been living under a rock or something? Who did she

mean by ‘Nanny?’

My eyes questioned her silently.

“Oh… NK I mean NK…” She blushed.

Wait! So she was blushing now. Wow. Smart move NK! But how? (o.O)

NK told her that what I wanted was a day off from all the work. So she

offered to do all my work for a day so that I can at least catch u with my

sleep.

Humility told me to turn her offer down. But my heart saw this as an

opportunity. And what good is a business if he doesn’t grab the

oppurtunities when they knock your door?

So here I am today. After weeks and weeks which stretched like eternities on

my own bed in my own house lying down and writing.

Feels good. Will feel great once my family returns.

So… Khushi had also noticed that something was cooking between Lavanya

and NK. Wow.

How did that happen you’re wondering?

So Lavanya told me everything. She was heartbroken obviously when she

flew to London when we broke up. I had hoped she would stay in touch via

emails and facebook but she didn’t. It was a clean break. At first I didn’t

approve of it. Took it to my ego. But then I adapted. Saw where she was

coming from and tried to understand why she was doing what she was

doing.

And this whole time she was away, Lavanya tells me now that she had been

in contact with NK.

“See ASR. I loved you. And your family and Chamkili. I had to know that

how were you both and what was this family doing. So I asked Nanny to

keep me posted about everything that was happening. And he did.” Lavanya

was telling me on the way back home last night.

“So we talked and talked and became good friends. But there came a point

when we wanted to see if we could have a bit more than what we had…

So… you know.” NK said. For the first time EVER in the HISTORY OF

TIME NK spoke perfectly fine. He didn’t joke. Fake mistakes or anything.

And I was more surprised than impressed.

“Yeah I know.” I simplt said.

I kind of liked what had happened between them. My good friends were now

together. It may seem awkward or weird or strange to others but to me it

was perfect. And I know Khushi would think the same way too.

Plus both of these people had done nothing than support me and Khushi all

their lives. And now it was my turn. I will make sure that they build

themselves a heaven on the other side of the rainbow.

Wow. I suddenly feel like Cupid! :D

No one would ever believe. NK had proposed to Lavanya too and she had

said yes! I am stunned actually. My baby bro had grown up so much?

And here I was worrying for him that he might never find anyone ever. And

he worried that all women in the world might turn him down and the only

one left would be Bua ji :D

But how things work out. Amazing dear Lord. Who ever you are, You are

awesome.

Both of them were planning a June wedding. Which was kind of perfect. Me

and Aakash will be free as hospital would hopefully have wrapped up.

“Nanav? My brother?” NK had said last night when I went to fetch the

wedding DVD’s from the car for Khushi.

“I’m happy for you” I quickly said smiling ear to ear.

“I know” He smiled wider and hugged me.

I wasn’t exactly the hugging material but las night was special.

Then he let me go and blinked like a million times.

“Are you trying to look cute? Because if you are, Let me tell you that you

are failing miserably!” I said.

“I want you to do something for me.” NK finally said.

“Okay…?”

“Please please please break the news to the family. I feel…ummm I feel…”

He hesitated.

“Shy?” I volunteered.

“Yeah! I feel shy. So please do it for me okay? Thank you bye!” And with a

whoosh of wind he disappeared without listening to my answer!

What a lame set of brothers I had. A year and a half ago I was doing this for

Aakash and this time I will have to do this for NK!

But nevertheless… I will tell Khushi and she will handle stuff I know.

Think of the devil and the devil is here!

Here comes Khushi with Aarav. Brb

____________________________________________

“Hello husband” Khushi flashed her smile to me.

And for a moment I forgot everything else. It was just us. The winds were

blowing out of nowhere and I was completely lost in her. Her clumsy

movements around the room. She was talking with her hands, fixing her hair

every now and then and would laugh throwing her head back.

“Hello?” She asked. Noticing that I had been lost somewhere else and had

not been listening to the speech she was making.

“Repeat what I just said.” She said. Folding her arms over her chest angrily.

God! She is adorable.

I swiftly got up from the bed and walked to her. Stopped when my face was

just inches away from her and stared in her confused eyes.

‘Daivi Maiyya!’ She must be screaming in her head.

I took my hands out of my trouser pockets and slipped them behind her back

and dug my face deep in her dark hair.

She stood there still. I could feel her heart racing and skin getting crimson.

“Hug me back Khushi…Or this is going to get awkward real soon” I winked

at her. Not knowing how red her nose is and how dilated her hazel pupils

are.

“No.” She flatly said.

Wow. What was happening?

I hugged her tighter. Pressing her to me closer.

“Now?” I asked her.

She was uncomfortable now. But she had to give in. She has to hug me ;)

“Nope.” She said simply again.

“Okay. Fine by me.” I said and hugged her tighter.

“Arnav ji…” She said uncomfortably but still her hands were pinned to her

thighs. She had still not hugged me back.

“Yes Khushi?” I answered. Still hugging her intensely.

“Let me go please.” She said.

“How about no?” I replied.

“You are not understanding…” She said.

“And you are not trying. You are not pushing me away Khushi” I laughed

still hugging her.

“Arnav ji!” She began to move in my arms now. Desperately trying to

escape.

“Give up or give in Khushi. You know I am strong.” I said jokingly.

“Hey macho man?” A voice said.

What the?

“What happened to your voice Khushi?” I was confused.

“You better want to close the door next time you plan to go all… ‘Hug me’

on mom.” The voice said.

Crap! Aarav. This is going to be so humiliating!

I instantly let go of her and faced my son.

“Hey champ!” I said trying to sound all normal. This was normal after all.

We are married. Twice!

“Yeah yeah… What’s up dad?” Aarav asked.

“Nothing much…” I said glancing at Khushi.

“Oh stupid question. I have very well seen what’s up!” Aarav said sticking

his tongue out.

“Aarav!” Khushi scolded him gently.

“Okay okay… I just came to remind you both of my parents day next week.

You both have to be there okay?” Aarav smiled.

I high fived Aarav and ruffled his hair.

“Will be there.” I promised him not even myself knowing if I’d be able to

keep it up.

“I won’t miss it for anything in the world.” Khushi smiled and Aarav hugged

her waist.

She had really won him over. And they really loved each other now. I

always knew Khushi would, but Aarav was the one I was a little uncertain

about.

“Thanks you both” Aarav smiled. And it touched our hearts. I dropped a

light kiss on his forehead and he left the room closing the door and winking

at us. Khushi blushed at the sight of that.

“So… Where were we?” She asked smiling.

I walked up to her again and hugged her.

“Here” It felt so complete.

“No…You were telling me what I was saying.” She reminded me of her

question.

Oops…Trouble alert. I wasn’t listening to her.

“You were saying that you love me immensely, dearly, honestly, purely and

sincerely.” I hugged her again.

Somehow, Today I couldn’t get enough of her today. I could hold her in my

arms forever. And die happy.

“No!” Khushi spoke up trying to break free.

“No? You don’t love me?” I asked. It was nice playing games with her.

“You know that’s not what I mean!” She protested.

I hugged her tighter.

“Ow! Are you going to hug me to death?” She said.

The thought of that is depressing.

I let her go. Tugged some loose tendrils behind her ears and kissed her cheek

deeply and fervently.

She noticed the change in me and her forehead began to crease.

She held my face in both of her hands.

This was where I felt protected.

“What?” She asked.

“Can you never say that again?” I asked her. And in a way begged her.

She thought for a second as if remembering in her head what she had said.

“Ever?” I asked her again.

She nodded and placed her head on my chest and clasped my back. Her

hands rested on my shoulders from the back.

I instinctly wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her gently.

She was quite this afternoon.

“Khushi?” I walked her to the bed.

She shot her head up and faced me with teary eyes.

“What?” I asked.

“Di” Just one simple word from her was enough.

She did not need to say more.

I waited for her to explain what she had said.

“She just isn’t the same anymore. She wouldn’t even listen to me. I try. I try

so hard to convince her to forgive you but she doesn’t. This morning I went

to her and started telling her how nice you are. And much you’ve changed. I

handed her Arshi hoping that it would melt her heart but nothing. Nothing

Arnav ji. Why is she doing this? It aches my heart to see that you both aren’t

the same anymore just because of me…” She broke down in tears then.

I pulled her closer to me and she rested her head in my lap and I stroked her

hair.

“She’s hurt.” It’s all I said.

We both knew it was true. Besides I had hurt her. Why was Khushi

apologizing?

“I will make amends for it Khushi. Not now though. Let her be and you calm

down. When are they coming back?” I asked. I had to see Arshi too.

“Don’t know. Pass me your phone please?” She requested.

Wow! How civilized she is. I was never this person. Can never be also.

I passed her my phone and she dialed a familiar number.

Khushi pressed the phone to her ear and began to wait. A few heartbeats

later she put down the phone with teary eyes.

Of course I know what must have happened. Di had stopped returning my

calls.

She got up, took her phone and dialed. Di answered this time and told

Khushi that they will be out late. They were at Mami’s friend’s. And

knowing Arshi, I can safely bet that she wasn’t giving anyone hard time.

“Looks like you and I can have some time to ourselves.” Khushi smilingly

but sadly said.

I nodded.

“So what is it going to be? A dinner? Or a long drive or some movie

perhaps?” She asked again.

I thought for a second…

“All of that is a bit too mainstream no? Dear wife; go dress pretty.” I said

winkingly.

She smiled and walked to the washroom and I grabbed my laptop and made

my way to the poolside.

______________________________________

The last thing I remember; A numbing pain and I hit the floor.

Someone screamed. A lady. My Khushi I can bet.

Racing cars and overwhelming darkness.

______________________________________

I used to be able to do it all. Everything. On my own. I never needed anyone

or anything. But recently… The concepts of my life were changing.

Khushi. My head was in her lap.

She was crying. Hugging me and kissing.

“Khushi? I…” But no…

Those three words are said too much. They are not enough.

Chapter 5: “Run With The Dawn”

Dear Pinky

Pinky, can you die more than once? Can you feel blood freezing in your

veins and the ground slip from under your feet?

Pinky, if anyone had asked me this yesterday I would have laughed at him.

But today I guess all of that is very true. From the day I’ve had today, many

memories are resurrected. And all the bad memories. For a few awful

seconds I thought I had lost him. For a few heartbeats I felt as if life had

been drained out of me. One second he was talking to me and my blood of

singing the anthem of his love. And the next second his lifeless form was

floating hopelessly in our pool. The same pool which had given me

numerous good memories. The first time he kissed my cheek, the multiple

times he saved me from falling in that pool, our holi, my ankle, unwrapping

the lights and the first night he returned home after being kidnapped… All of

that had now been stained forever. I shall no longer go to that pool and find

solace. I now know that everytime I will go there, the ghost of today’s

memories will haunt me.

This pool water had seen Arnav change with me. Silently being there, it had

been always witnessing the union of me and him. But today was different.

He was there Pinky. In the middle of the pool lying lifeless and floating .

Every fiber of my body knows how well he can swim. And still. He laid

there ever so still.

“Hey why are you crying?” My favorite voice in the world asked.

Daivi Maiyyan! My husband just woke up! Finally. How long has been out?

23 hours?

“Why Khushi?” He asks again with an urgency.

I had been crying? Secondary . Everything else comes secondary.

“You Mr.Raizada! You. I hate you so much!” I hug him tight and soak in his

scent. His very own scent. My favorite.

“What is happening?” He asked confused.

“Well you scared the living kid out me Arnav ji! What were you doing? I am

so mad at you right now. So so so mad.”

Yes. I was mad at him. Mad that he can hurt me so easily. Mad that he holds

this grip over me. Mad that he cares less about his own protection. Mad that

he chose to pass out at the time when I was practically alone at the house!

“What?” He asked again groggily.

“You have fractured your skull.” I stated as matter of factly.

“How?” He was stunned. His eyes widening in horror.

“And you have broken two ribs too.” I told him.

“What how Khushi? How?” He was so confused. So he does not remember

at all?

“Who am I?” I asked him in horror. What if he has forgotten everything?

Me? Us? Our family?

“What the hell! I’ve been calling you by your name from past 500 seconds

and you refuse to tell me what--- OW!”

He gasps in pain.

“Don’t!” I get up and place my hand on his chest to pin him down to bed.

“You are my wife. I am Arnav Singh Confused Raizada about what the hell

happened to me!” He

Oh right. Sorry sorry. I AM being a fool.

“Arnav ji you fainted yesterday.” I waited for his reaction.

“How?” He asked calmly this time.

“I don’t know” And here come the traitor tears pooling my eyes. “I came out

of the washroom wearing this-” I gestured towards my sari that I was

wearing to surprise him. The same sari he had gifted me on my last birthday.

“You were lifelessly floating in our pool.”

His warm fingers raised to my face to stop my tears.

“Stop with the waterworks Khushi. I am okay”

I am ignoring him.

“I got so scared Arnav ji. I step out and see you like that. Nanhay ji and Jija

ji were at the office. Everyone was somewhere to do something with

someone and there you were. I had no idea how to pull you out of there! For

a second I thought…”

He completed my sentence “You’d lost me?”

I nodded. My tears won’t stop today. And I won’t try either.

“Khushi I just don’t know what happened. I guess I forgot to take my

medicine for diabetes. Which is no big deal.”

What? Would this man ever understand?

“No! It is a big deal. Wouldn’t have been if you had been alone. I am with

you now! You have two children! A loving family! And you dare pull this

stunt again on me!”

“Why are you yelling at me?” He asked childishly with such innocence in

his eyes that to be mad at him took all the strength in my body.

“You know why? It was not your diabetes! The doctor said it’s your chest.

You have been working too much and not resting. He says it can get worse!

You almost broke your neck damn it!” But he is right. Why am I yelling at

him? Do I even want to yell at him? But he doesn’t understand. He just has

no regard for what I feel. He dies I die. It’s a package deal. There is no

darvinism here!

“Come here.” Even before I could react, he had taken me in his arms and

was gently shaking himself to keep me relaxed. And against all my protests

and efforts he was succeeding in doing so.

“You can’t keep coming here again and again and leave me hanging

thinking about committing suicide!” There. I said it. If nothing else, I know

this effects him.

“Khushi another word of the sort and I swear help me God I’ll do something

neither of us will like!” God isn’t he mad today too. Can’t blame him. I say

stuff and then things get worse :/

“You have to forget about that hospital.” I demanded.

“How did you pull me out of the water?” He completely ignored my

question.

“You can’t keep doing it and putting at risk what is not even yours!” I spoke

up again.

“What’s not even mine?” He asked confused.

“This body, this life, this heart… It’s mine. It’s not yours” I mumbled.

Completely forgotten was the reason I was mad at him.

He pulled me tighter in to the hug and gently kissed the right edge of my

mouth.

“I’ve missed this blush” He stated.

And so have I. Missed him. His presence. His touch. This.

I pulled back from the hug then. Leaving his eyes blazing.

“I started to scream. No one came for the first few seconds and then Aarav

came running. He helped me get you out of the water.” I answered his

previous question.

“I’ll see what I can do with the hospital. May be hire someone else.” And he

answered mine.

The door snapped open. And Di came in. He first looked at me and smiled.

And then I saw in her eyes what I had been dying to see from the last 3

months! Tears. Regret. Love.

“You scared me!” She crashed in to Arnav ji’s chest so hard that Arnav ji

sighed out loud.

“Di, his ribs.” I softly pointed.

“Oh. I’m sorry Chote. Does it hurt?” She asked with all that love she had

been putting aside. Covering under the sheets of anger and wrath.

“Not any more.” Arnav ji simply answered and kissed her forehead.

My heart just did not burst. And trust me everything else happened. I cried,

hugged them both.

“I love you both. I love you both” I repeated as if some mantra again and

again.

Finally. One door roughly closed. One door swinging opened.

My husband’s head must be hurting right now with pain but I’m sure his

heart would be hurting right now with love and care for his sister.

Finally. After all those times I spent worrying, burning my calories…

“Where’s my hero? And my princess?” Arnav ji asked.

“Well if you have not noticed, It’s 3 in the morning. They both are warm in

their beds Chote.” The old Di warmly replied ruffling his hair.

“Oh… And these flowers?” He asked.

“The media and a few of your colleagues.” She replied sweetly.

“NK, Aakash, Nani, Mami ji and ummmm ummm Payal?” He hesitantly

asked.

“Nani left at about midnight with NK bhai, Lavanya ji and Mami ji. Aakash

and Payal ji are still outside.”

“Di you should go. I am okay. Just a mild headache.” He reassured.

Di disappointedly nod her head in disapproval.

“Yes Di, a few ribs, a fractured skull and I am okay. Just a mild headache!”

She mimicked him leaving all of us laughing.

“Di… You forgive me?” He asked. Changing the whole course of

conversation.

Di squeezed his hand. HOW CUTE!

“I wasn’t mad at you. Was highly disappointed though. I still am.” She said.

I will not speak in his defense today. He has to clean his mess himself.

“Di… I wasn’t thinking. All I cared about was you.”

Di smiled. “Well that sounds like you.” And she squeezed his hand again.

“Ladies now do me a favor. Please send Payal in. Just her.”

Me and Di stared at each other for a moment. And then she nodded.

“Okay” I said.

I see what he’s trying to do here. Mend all the broken ties today.

But Jiji has been so insensitive. I’m not sure how to react.

When I look up, Arnav ji is staring at my face. And as if understands my

unsaid question, he nods. What can I say? He’s clearly in no shape of more

fighting.

Minutes pass and I am standing outside outside thanking Jija ji for all the

hospital paper work that he did.

“Hey that’s okay Khushi. We’re family.” He smiled.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked him.

“Sure” God he’s so sweet.

“You know Jiji has not been very gracious about… about what Arnav ji

did…”

He waited for me to complete my question as I hesitated.

“We hardly talk these days. Not that we are fighting or anything but you

know I’m busy with Arshi and Aarav all day and…” I shrug.

Jija ji cleaned his throat.

“Payal has been talking to me about the whole Bhai thing. She surely was

super mad. But now she’s relatively calmer.” He informed me. Nothing new

though, I know all this already.

“I know. But she just doesn’t seem like herself lately.” I apologetically said.

“Well you know things are changing…” He struggled.

I rose one eyebrow.

“You know how it goes” He smiled. And blushed.

“Sorry I don’t think I’m following.” What was he trying to say. Things are

changing? What things? It’s not like she’s turning into a vampire or

something.

“I don’t know. I think Payal would want to tell you herself first.” And there

he goes. Blushing deeper and finally saying something I was understanding!

“NO? Seriously???” I was shocked. Surprised. Happy. Escalated!

“Yeah you know…” Oh my GOD!

Daivi Maiyyan! Thank you!

Without thinking twice, I hugged him.

“It’ll be our secret. I won’t tell anyone.” I said when I’d calmed down.

“Oh I’d like that!” He said satisfactorily.

Wow. Things really are changing. Wow! Another Raizada baby! Wow wow

wow!

________________________________________________

“Don’t worry doctor. He’s not going anywhere near his office. We will

make sure of that.” Me and Di said in unison.

“Good. He’s fine though. I’ve prescribed some painkillers. He should take

those only in hour of crisis. Let him cope with mild pain. That will help his

recover his defence mechanism.”

We both nodded.

“Other than that. There are no restrictions. Though it’ll be better if he

refrains from driving.”

“Thank you doctor.” Di and I thanked her.

We both have something in common. Maybe the love we hold in our hearts

for that one man. My man :’)

There comes Jiji. Smiling. Okay so he really did fix it all then. Broke a few

bones here and there but fixed his bond with family.

Impressive Laad Governor. I’m thoroughly impressed.

I enter his room and find him smiling too. Wow!

“Here to scold me again Mrs.Raizada?” He jokingly asked.

He’s still groggy though. Very groggy.

“Yes.” I playfully said.

He smirked weakly.

“Well go on then.” He invited.

What?

“I love you more when you scold me.” He winked.

What what?

“Hey you! Who are you and what did you do to my husband?” I joked right

back. And it’s true. This man only resembles my husband. Arnav ji hates

when I scold him. Well may be he’s under the influence of the meds? I don’t

know. Can’t put a finger on it.

He seemed surprised.

“He’s right here. Under the bed” So he’s playing games now.

I smile and walk to his bed. And just when I’m about to peep under the bed

he holds my hand.

“And I ask again. What did you do to my husband?” I laugh and he giggles.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

I sighed.

“Laad Governor nobody’s letting you work now.”

“Hey! I do that for a living!” He’s still teasing me. He’ll never learn. Though

I admit I love this playful Arnav ji.

I make a face and through my head down quietly.

“I was going to take you outside. I had planned the whole evening with you.

Took me a while to do it since Aman has gone.”

“For good” I added and he nodded.

“Yeah. Sorry couldn’t give you that day yesterday.” He apologized.

“Arnav ji listen please. I don’t want just one day. I want a life time with you.

I want to love you more. Cherish you more and even protect you from

yourself. I want you to live. I want so much! I want to die when I am a

hundred and ten years old, in your arms.”

“That sounds just about right to me too. Just that I would want to live an

hour less than you. So that I don’t have to see you leave” His forehead

creased.

“See? When all of it is so simple and sorted out,why do you stress yourself

so much? Work less honey. Please. For me.”

His pupils widened when I said ‘honey’

“For you. HONEY” He smirked and winked.

“Thank you.”

“Thank YOU” He said.

“You’re discharged. Thank God it was nothing serious.” I thanked God.

“I’m grateful too.”

“Let the sun rise and we’ll leave.”

____________________________________________

“Feels like ages I last entered this house!”

This was Arnav ji’s first sentence when he entered Shantivan. Well true. I

feel the same way too. He’s never free for us anymore.

“Yeah. That hospital you’re building sent you to a hospital.”

I said.

“Irony” He said blankly.

“Irony may be” I reciprocated the gesture.

“What?” He asked. Maybe he saw the irritation buried deep in my hoarse

voice. I don’t know why but I am irritated. For some reason I feel betrayed.

Nothing rash has happened between the two of us and I love him just the

same. But something has changed. Maybe this is adolescence of our

marriage that now we have both moved on? We have kids now. More

important work to do? More important places to be?

“Nothing. You walking fine or do you need some help?” And before I could

even complete my sentence, NK slipped his neck under his left arm and took

all his weight on his shoulders.

“I fractured my skull NK. Not my foot.” Nanhay ji rolled his eyes.

“Yeah yeah roll your eyes, may be this way you find some brain behind!

What were you thinking? Working that much? Not good bro. Not good.” He

said with all that brotherly love that I never experienced in my life.

“You both pamper me a bit too much!” He said annoyed and jokingly.

Well yes we do. Because you make us do that Arnav ji. Stop acting like a

teenager who thinks he can handle the world alone. Do everything on his

own!

“You said something Khushi?” Arnav ji asked.

It’s almost as if he reads my mind! Oh Arnav ji I love you. Please stop

making me feel like I’ll loose you all the time.

And it was almost as if he read that too! He carefully slipped his fingers into

mine and intertwined his fingers with mine. As he held my hand and gave

me that reassuring smile, I shut my annoyance in a tight drawer and lock it

somewhere at the back of my mind.

And there comes running another piece of my heart. My other ASR.

“Hey dad? Are you okay?” He asked, with nothing but concern in his eyes.

“Aarav don’t run please. The last thing I want is another fractured skulled

ASR”

Arnav ji squeezed my hand again.

“Khushi ji he’s okay. I bet he is. He’s a tough guy.” Nanhay ji winked at me.

“Listen to him” Arnav ji assured me.

“Hey champ.” He high fived Aarav. “Yes daddy’s okay. Thank you. Your

mother tells me you’re the super hero that saved me” Arnav ji ruffled his

hair. It’s something he really likes.

“And you are heavy.” Aarav hugged his waist.

And then entered my favorite two girls in the room.

Lavanya ji was holding Arshi.

Oh my baby! Looks like she has grown so much in these two days! I have

not seen her in eternities it seems!

“Oh baby!” I say out loud effortlessly and at the very moment Lavanya ji

hands her to me.

“Are you okay Khushi?” She asked me.

“Hey? I’m the one with fractured skull!” Arnav ji jokingly said.

“You ASR. You just refuse to grow up don’t you?” She gently hugged him.

I don’t want to be that person. Or that wife. Or that woman. But it was

uncomfortable. Rather painful to watch her hug my husband. But I know

Lavanya ji means no harm to my family.

And at the very same moment Arshi begins to cry.

Oh my sweet little bundle of happiness, I don’t like other women hugging

daddy either…

“Bed. Now!” She ordered Arnav ji and he did as she said.

“Nanny pass me that glass of water please?” There! She said that again. She

calls him that all the time. What is cooking between the two of them?

Have been living under a rock?

I shoot a glance at Arnav ji and he blinks once. And I understand that the

moment we’re alone, he’ll tell me how exactly is the hell breaking loose on

Earth!

The day dragged. Arnav ji slipped in and out of sleep. Visitors kept coming

and going as they pleased. Di and Nani ji along with Mami ji came

occasionally to check on him. But the highlight of the day was Jiji. She came

in with a bowl of soup for him.

Wow. What a day. So he really has this effect. You can’t hate this man for

long. No matter what you do, you forget your reasons!

Arnav ji slept the whole day soundly, warm in his bed. To see him like that

is gut wrenching. He really does not need to work this hard.

But am I saying this because I love him or I’m saying this because I’m

selfish? I know I want him. Him to spend all his time with me. So what is it

then? Again, Can’t put a finger on it.

Loving this man has changed my life so much. With peace and comfort, it

has also brought uncertainties and consumption.

Yes, his love consumes me.

“Arshi?” He woke up with a jolt. A bad dream may be? God! He’s

sweating… Definitely a bad dream.

“She’s in her room. You okay? Want me to fetch the pills?” I urgently

replied.

“Nope. Just come here.” He said innocently with that shy face.

I walked up to him and he pulled me in his embrace. I put my head on his

chest and he wrapped his arm around me. And we both drifted peacefully.

I dreamed of colors that night. A rainbow of 8 colors. He was my 8th color.

______________________________________

Dear Pinky

It has been 3 days since he has come back. Thanks to Daivi Maiyyan he is

better now. And in his senses too.

“Khushi? I understand. I see where you’re coming from. Don’t be so distant

please.” He had said yesterday. The fear of loosing him was eating me from

inside out. And thank goodness he saw that.

“I’m not distant. I’m right here.” I had said putting my hand on his chest

casually to make him believe me.

“Lavanya is here now. She’ll handle stuff.” He said.

I beamed. That. Right there was my answer to every prayer.

“Listen wife, I’ll report home at your service 5 in the evening every day

okay?” He said.

Am I dreaming? Wait it has to be!

“Pinch me?” I had offered him.

He rather clasped my hand and pulled me closer. He gently took my face in

his hands and kissed my lips ever so softly. As our bodies met, I knew I was

home. I deepened the kiss and desire pooled in his eyes. Awww! I have

missed this with my husband.

He left for a second to lock the door then.

And today, he has been working all day. He’s on his laptop all brooding and

scolding people over the call.

This sight made me giggle.

His head shot up in my direction and he arched his eyebrows.

I nodded my head in disapproval silently telling him that it’s nothing.

“Don’t make me come there and force it out of you Khushi” He winked.

“No no it’s nothing” I insisted and burst in to a laughter again.

He finally got up and walked up to me.

“So?” He asked.

God! Isn’t he the most stubborn man I know? But then I don’t know many

men.

“Seeing you work like that on your laptop and scaring people with your

voice on the phone made me remember the little play that I did on Jiji’s

wedding to annoy you” :P

And his eyes softened.

And we both laughed together.

“Easy! Your ribs?” I asked him.

“All healed” He said.

“Good” I blushed.

“I was not talking about my ribs” He indicated with play full eyes.

“I know” And blushed deeper.

And he hugged me.

“Get ready. We leave in about 20 minutes.”

“What? Where?” What is he saying?

“It’s a surprise.” He beamed.

“Well let me surprise you too then. You have to rest and be at home!” I

scolded him.

“Oh come on don’t ruin it. I know what I’m doing. Besides it wont even take

long.” He was explaining himself.

“No chance Arnav ji. No way I’m letting you step out of that door!” I

pointed towards the door.

“Khushi?” He was mad at me now! Does he not understand at all?

“Please?” Scolding him won’t be effective today. I had to request him.

“You -” He paused midway.

“I love you Arnav ji. Please stay.” I requested again. This time holding his

hands in mine.

He shut his eyes then. In defeat? I don’t know.

“No.” He declared simply.

“Well okay… Let’s postpone it. I want to go out with you too. But you are

in no shape.” I made those doe eyes which I know he can’t resist.

“You don’t play fair!” He said and quietly left to resume his work.

I suddenly feel so strong and powerful :D I’ve tamed him down. I made him

Arnav from ASR. And how good was it to see?

__________________________________

“Khushi! Wake up Khushi!” What’s happening?

“Let me sleep.” I said annoyed. Who is this person? And why wont he let me

sleep?

“Wake up Khushi come on!” I by now have gathered that it’s Arnav ji.

“What time is it?” I asked groggily

“A little past 4” What the? A little past 4 and he was waking me up?

“Oh God! Are you okay? Need the meds? Feeling okay?” I jolted up.

“Head hurts? Ribs? What? Where?” I was touching him everywhere

suddenly.

“It’s nothing. Come on. Let’s go.” The moment he assured me he was okay I

went back to bed. He can be such a child sometimes.

I hear him sigh then. He carefully slid his hands beneath my legs and my

neck and picked me up.

Before I could even register what was happening, I was clutching his shirt

collar.

He strode downstairs and put me in the car. Fastened my seatbelt and shut

the door behind me.

I could’ve protested, but I just felt so much love when he picked me up,

literally swept me off my feet!

“You are stubborn” Arnav ji said.

“You’re adorable.” I complimented.

He smiled.

“Where are we going at this hour?” I asked.

He smiled again.

“You never tell me… Or do as I say!” I said. (Pinky, I myself know that is

so not true!)

“You said postpone it. And I did!” He said.

He is gorgeous.

“Looks like you hurt your head a bit too hard.” I joked.

He stood silent for a while and then started humming a familiar tune.

“Aaj mausam hai suhana. Bahir janay ka hai bahana…” He looked at me

then.

“lalala” I added and smiled ear to ear.

And there he was. Driving as I stared at him.

“You’re staring.” He said after a few seconds.

“I’m gazing.” I corrected him.

“It’s creepy!” He said. What?

I slightly punched his arm.

“It’s romantic.” I told him.

“Look there Khushi!” He pointed out. We were on a alone road somewhere

out the city.

“It’s the sun rising!” I called out. Its one of the prettiest sites I have laid my

eyes on. Behind the trees in midst of cotton clouds, a huge ball of fire was

spreading its wings and poring colors in the sky. Shades of red,

yellow,orange; vermillion.

“Let’s race.” He winked.

“You are going to try to win from the sun?”

“Nope. I’ll run with the dawn.” He smirked.

And as our car drove faster and faster, the sun rose higher and higher. The

previously dark road was now illuminating. Just like my life. My dark life.

And here’s my sun. Arnav ji.

For about 3 minutes he continued to frive faster and faster and then she

bolted the car to a stop.

“The sun is up.” He said.

“That was… that was…” I had no words. I have definitely not seen anything

prettier, more touching in my entire life!

“Creepy?” He asked.

I shook my head.

“Romantic.”

I leaned closer to him and kissed his lips softly.

“Thank you.” And he blinked his eyes in acknowledgement .

From the passenger seats behind us, he grabbed a bag.

“Come.” He said.

I followed him.

A few steps away was a little patch of ground cleared.

He spread a sheet on the ground and asked me to sit there.

He took out a few boxes from the bag and handed them to me.

“Jalebis?” I asked him.

He nodded. “And some halwa poori.” My all time favorite breakfast!

I dug in to that as he ate his pancakes…

Chapter:6 “Fading Away”

45th Day:-

Aaaah. Today is one of the days I genuinely feel happy. No reason for this

sudden mood; not one I know of, but yes I am very happy. In months I have

not felt this. I feel… complete. Di is back to ruffling my hair, Payal is back

to passing me smiles, Khushi is back to her normal self… Everything just

seems to fall perfectly in place. This feels good.

hrjgdyjg;h

Oh! Ignore that, that was Arshi. She is sitting in my lap right now and just

randomly pushed a few buttons. Wow. I sound like a father after all. I hope I

am a good one. Since my experience with fathers is not worth

remembering…

Well, let’s not push the limits and just be happy. Arshi is growing up fast.

Help me God! Her eyes are so hazel and so round! That small pink nose and

dark brown thick ringlets. How would any guy be able to tear his eyes off

her? Poor guys would have to wait until at least she’s 30! No way in hell I’m

letting anyone get close to her before that.

“Why are you smiling?” Khushi enters the room with a big wooden spoon.

“Oh. Nothing. You brought that to hit me with?” I asked.

She laughed. And I lost focus. Her laugh is so pure and so deep. How good

of a person she is, really shows in her laugh.

“No no husband, you can relax” She winked.

Wink! Those eyes. Arshi has got those eyes! Just a little bigger and rounder.

But those eyes.

“I came to check in on Arshi. Hello babyyy!” She told me and then started

talking to my daughter.

“Daddy handling you well?” She gently pulled her cheeks and then mine.

“She seems very happy with you.” Khushi commented.

And I can’t deny, she does.

“She’ll look happier with her mother.” I hinted.

“Well, mother is making sugar free custard for father.” She raised the spoon

in her hand showing the evidence.

“How long will that take mommy?” I asked.

“A while daddy.” She smiled and turned to leave the room.

“Hey Khushi?” I called her name out and she turned to face me.

“Hmmm?”

“Tell Aarav I need him” I smiled.

A perfect day with the perfect family.

She smiled and left.

_______________________________________________

“And the deal with the furnishers from Manchester?”

“Oh that is all settled Nanav. Aakash and Lavanya handled that. They will

come visit the building next week.”

“Good. The clients want to go with a modern contemporary look for the

hospital. I have chosen a few designs, see and tell the one’s you prefer.” I

handed him the huge red file Arshi has been playing with all day.

“Okay. I’ll do that.”

My brothers are not that lame after all :D

“Nanav? Did you do my work?” He was all confident and business manly a

second ago and now confusion had swept all that off his face.

“Oh that. Yeah I told Khushi.” Oh God! What a night that was. Khushi’s

face was worth preserving!

“And?”

“And she said she’ll handle it.” I smiled and reassured him.

“Thank you.” My assurance did not help. He was still confused when he got

up and left the room. Kind of like the same way Khushi did that night.

________________________________________

Khushi had entered the room that night completing all her chores and shut

the door tight that startled Arshi.

“Calm it! She’s sleeping!” I said in a low but cold voice.

She whispered back. “She needs to be in her own room. Don’t want to

tarnish her habit of sleeping there.” She said.

“Okay. Here.” I handed her my baby.

“Make sure all the microphones are working and I’ll turn the screens on.”

We had this western baby care system for Arshi. There were two cameras

installed in her very pink room and the screens in our room let us see what

happened there. You know just in case. And the microphones helped Khushi

go see her at the time when she cried. Khushi had not initially approved of

the idea to give her a separate room, but then she came around. The first few

news freaked her out.

“Yeah” She said and left the room to drop Arshi off.

She entered the room in same temperament again.

“One word.” She stared at me. “Nanny.” She plainly said it.

I laughed so much that night. Seeing het digest that news was fun. Well, fun

is an understatement!

“They both are seeing each other.” I told her.

“What do you mean? I can see that they are seeing each other. None of them

in blind folded!” Oh my dear innocent Khushi. So traditional.

“Well they are in a relationship.” I elaborated but that did not help either.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? Everybody has some relation with

each other. My relationship with Lavanya ji is of friends. Yours to Nanhay ji

is of brothers, yours with Hari Prakash ji is… is… well that is complicated.”

She smiled. Still not seeing what she was missing.

I held her hands as she sat right next to me.

“Khushi.” I didn’t know how to tell her.

She looked at me for a second. And then went silent. She was processing the

information I believe.

“Khushi?” I said her name again but a little differently this time.

“They are what we are aren’t they?” She asked.

“Yes.”

“No! No! That can’t happen! No Arnav ji! How is this possible? Why?

Whe-” She went silent again.

Why is she reacting like this? This is the only thought that came to my mind.

“I can’t believe they did this. How can they hurt my family like this?” She

asked sadly.

What? I think we both are talking about two different things.

“Khushi? There is nothing wrong with falling in love.” I told her squeezing

her hands.

She nodded.

“But I can’t believe they got married without anyone’s permission without

all those rituals. How can they not consider-” I interrupted her midway.

“Khushi! They are not married yet! Oh! Dear Lord no!” I told her. And as

soon as I did, she sighed heavily. I did not even notice she was holding her

breath. All I was doing was busy noticing her hover.

And then she punched my arm slightly.

“But you said that they were who we are!” She said with a crowded with

creases forehead.

Oh God. This woman!

“Khushi, I meant in love. They are in love just like we are.” I politely said.

There it came rushing. Her blush. Blood gracefully poured in her face and

her nose went the color of rouge.

________________________________________

Oh that night. Khushi talked about them till midnight. She would’ve gone on

and on but then she slept talking.

She was mainly happy for them. She talked about how I should not stop her

from dancing too much at their wedding and what she’ll wear. She also

decided that we would gift them a holiday in Dubai. And more over she told

me that she will beat me up if I ignore to wear a kurta on their sangeet. She

further went on and on about how she and Arshi would wear identical

clothes and how I and Aarav would wear identical clothes.

Crazy Khushi. My Khushi.

She really is a beautiful soul. But then it also hurts me to see her like this. So

mature, so strong and firm at such young age. Because I know that good

people just don’t happen, ordinary people are challenged again and again by

life. Life knocks them down, gives them oceans of tears, dozens of

heartbreaks and hundreds of scars. The people who are beautiful are the

people who have known defeat, struggle, suffering, loss and still have

managed to pull themselves out of all those depths. This is why Khushi has

an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills her with

compassion, gentleness, warmth and a deep loving concern. All the pain of

loss. Grief, sadness, misery and lone have made Khushi who she is today.

To know that she is so good actually makes me equally sad then happy. I did

not use to believe that heavens existed. But really, if they do, if there is some

God; which I now know is, I pray that Khushi gets all the happiness in the

world. Even if that means me fading away.

Bell rings. Oh God my ringtone. Capable of resurrecting the dead :/

“Arnav Singh Raizada” I answer the phone.

“Hello Bhai.” Oh… Aakash.

“Yes Aakash?”

“Bhai how are you feeling?” Okay so this is not what he has phoned me for.

His voice indicates some moment of crisis.

“Never better.” I plainly answered.

“Bhai actually we need you here. Our head of Board of Trusties has fallen

from somewhere and has had some injury. None of us has enough history of

the project to brief the conference.”

Oh. So I need to be there. It’s simple.

“Okay. Aakash dig out the Malhotra and Sharma Pharmaceuticals’ file. The

serial number is 381 if I’m not wrong. Get me that. When is the conference

due?”

“In an hour Bhai.”

“Sure. I’ll be there. Just get me the file.” I disconnected the line and put my

sleeping daughter on the bed. Placed two pillows on either of her side and

went to the washroom. In a few minutes I was all suited and downstairs

facing Khushi.

“Hey you? Where?” She asked.

“Khushi some emergency arrived. I have to be there.” I don’t know why she

didn’t put up a fight. She didn’t even make a face like she usually does when

I mention working more than my new ‘Back home by 5’ routine.

“Oh don’t worry. I know you’ll do great.” She smiled and said.

Oh. May be I look worried or stressed. Well this is a pretty important

meeting. But am I nervous? I don’t know myself.

Yes I am. And Khushi knew it before I did.

“Take the driver please.” It was a simple request. And I could keep up with

it. She cares. And it’s a good thing.

“Sure.” I moved closer and placed a tight kiss on her forehead.

“Arshi is sleeping. Aarav is out with friends. Make sure he comes back by

dark. Tell Di I’ll be quick” I strolled out the house voicing all this to Khushi.

“AR Designs” I told the driver.

______________________________________________________

It was a long meeting… God. It’s been a while I haven’t been in the

conference for this long. Or talked that much.

The briefing went good. May be Khushi’s prayers worked :P Because I

really was freaking out. The world shall never know that I have this side.

There is no place in the world for people with a weakness. I am harsh I

know. But I also know that the world is harsher.

The clients are in the refreshment area. I couldn’t just eat knowing that

Khushi doesn’t eat without me. Lavanya is with the clients she’ll make it I

know.

Speaking of her, I’ve been having these weird dreams. Not those regular

dreams when I see my parents dead and… These dreams are different. But

the feeling is just the same. The pain, the agony, the loss that I feel in those

dreams is the same as I feel in these ones.

The difference is that this time I see Khushi leaving. Why would my mind

even process that way? Things between me and her have never been better.

And I think we both are doing great with all this, parenthood.

In the dreams that I have these days, it’s weird to talk about them. To even

think is.

Everything is white. Just me in black. A lot like when we met and the

‘Mannat ki Chaabi’ scenario. Everything is white and sad. It is raining and

we are at some place I don’t recognize. Neither of us says anything or does

anything. Khushi has big tears in her eyes and I know that face of her’s. It’s

like I have hurt her badly. Do I still have it in me to hurt her? I don’t think

so. She is the love of my existence. She is the reason I don’t brood anymore.

She is why I have hope for every next day that has to come. She is sunlight

in my life. Then why?

And then suddenly when I’m still thinking to go and hug her, I see Lavanya.

Just a glimpse. Something tells me that she had been there all along only that

I wasn’t paying enough attention. And then abruptly things end. With a

whoosh of wind the scene disappears and it’s dark. It’s the uncomfortable of

that darkness that wakes me up. That is just too disturbing. I don’t know

what that means. I have thought of talking to Khushi about it but then why

stress her? I mean it’s just a bad dream right?

I don’t know why but I feel strange too. Knowing that Khushi is the only

person in this world who can hurt me. She has such a strong hold over my

heart that it can only be her who can break it. Somehow I also know that my

heart is safe with her. But then those teary eyes. I promised her. Promised

her tears of joy. And promised myself that she won’t cry another tear; ever.

Well back to reality.

I need to get some fresh air. My mind has been over working. I have been

thinking about things I shouldn’t give a damn about.

:/

Oh Arnav, weren’t you better off as ASR?

.

.

.

You can’t fool yourself Arnav. You weren’t.

I walk from terrace to terrace of my building to find a lone spot but nothing

helps. The delegation has gone. And everyone is winding things up in the

office. Good. Won’t be hard to find myself a lone place.

Walking without thinking, I walked to the poolside. AR Designs has 3 pools.

This one is right next to my office. One is in the middle of the building near

the guests waiting area and the remaining is at the rooftop. We usually have

breakfast meetings here.

Good, the atmosphere here will be nice at this time. What time is it though?

11:30! A little before midnight. God! This has taken longer than I expected.

Well just 10 minutes alone and then I’ll head back home. Don’t want to

worry Khushi with this tensed face of mine at this point.

I step in my office and gather things together. The files, my phone… Oh,

Khushi has not called yet. Why?

May be she has slept. Chances are less though.

I gather my things and walk to the poolside. I switch in the lights and go sit

on the couch there. Strange. This couch has some girl clothes on it.

I was still thinking when Lavanya splashed out of water.

Naked.

Before I could even register what was happening I turned my back on her.

“Lavanya!” I scream at her. What the hell does she think she is doing?!

“Oh crap! ASR. I’m so sorry. I thought-” Her voice tells me this was not on

purpose. I guess I knew it deep down that she wouldn’t do anything like that

deliberately.

“Thought? Seriously? You thought something? Doesn’t look so to me!” I

yelled at her. I was mad at her. Very mad. She has no idea how embarrassed

I am by this encounter of ours. As if it wasn’t awkward enough already?

“ASR I’m sorry. I tho-” She paused for a second and then changed the word.

“I assumed that you had left. It’s been a while you stayed this late.”

“What you assume is not any of my fu*king business!” And then I heard her

sob. I guess I had ruled out the possibility of her being embarrassed earlier.

May be I was a bit too harsh on her.

“Sorry ASR” She said in a tiny voice.

I took a deep breath and collected my self together.

“I’m sorry.” I said and walked out of the pool side.

What will I tell Khushi? She, she will be so hurt. I already feel like I have

betrayed her.

And there. Standing in front of me was Khushi.

This wasn’t a dream. This was actually happening. She was standing right in

front of me wearing a flashy smile on her face and holding a huge hotpot.

I have known relief. But this kind of relief, I guess my body has never been

familiar with it.

I literally ran to her and hugged her. Hugged her and let the guilty and

embarrassment sink it. I hugged her, kissed her hair and let all the memories

of a minute earlier wipe away from my head forever.

I have to tell Khushi. Before things get ugly and out of hand, I’ll narrate her

each and every detail of my ugly encounter with Lavanya tonight.

She was hugging me back. And I got sidetracked. Will she hug me the same

way after I tell her what happened? Will she trust me?

“Oh God Arnav ji. It was supposed to be a surprise for you. And you are

surprising me instead.” She broke free.

“Khushi I…” The words betrayed me. Nothing was coming out of my

mouth. And I suddenly felt awful. Disgusted.

“Come on. I brought you dinner.” She beamed.

“Where?” I asked and she held my hand and led me to the poolside.

“To the poolside. And then you tell me how well your conference went” She

winked.

That trust. That trust in her eyes. Can’t believe she trusts me this much after

everything that I have done.

“The poolside?” I asked. Nervousness. This is what the real nervousness is.

“Yeah”

And before I could stop her. She had opened the door and found Lavanya

there.

Never be too happy. I had lived with this theory for so long.

Never be too happy because at the end of the day, you’re made to pay the

price for it. Nature loves balance. You laugh too much, it makes you cry too

much to cancel the effects out.

Chapter 7:

Dear Pinky:-

Hello there diary. How are you? Stupid of me to ask but who cares? Only I

read you :D Well Arnav ji is at work. He had some urgent conference. He

spent the entire day with us. So right now I am preparing for a surprise for

him. I’m making (or trying to make) some Italian food for him. Di is helping

me thank God! While I am cooking, Di is still right across the counter with

Arshi in her lap. As Arnav ji told me, I have picked up Aarav from his

friend’s… After all that he does for us, our little family, I can do that for him

:) Well, I can’t even pronounce the names of the dishes I am making right

now. But Di tells me it’s so far a success. I don’t see how that is possible as

all look plain and fluidy and white and tasteless. Daivi Maiyyan! My

husband eats this food? This hospital food? How?

:/

“Khushi ji?” Di called me out.

“Yes Di?” I answered her while she was playing with Arshi.

“Can I ask you something? Only if you promise you won’t mind…” She

hesitantly said.

Why would I mind?

“Sure Di. I promise.” It was effortless.

“Sometimes I get sad… And there are moments when I think that I might

not make it through…” She said quietly.

She was still hurting. Hope God never forgives what Shayam ji did to her.

“I miss being that person…” She continued.

I switched the stove off and strode towards her. Quietly I took the seat next

to her.

“And I want to thank you both for Arshi. My daughter would’ve been just

like her too.” She sadly said.

“Di, she is as much yours as she is ours. You have to know that.” I assured

her. How cruel of Shayam ji. Hope he has a taste of his own medicine

someday.

“I know Khushi ji. It’s just that I realize that I missed the life I wanted the

most by a breath” She gestured it with her left hand pinching her index

finger and thumb.

“It’s not the end. You are going to have that life. I know.” Deep down I

believe that. God can never be unjust. He can never be bad to good people.

“May be… Someday.” She faintly smiled.

“Someday real soon. Trust me.” I smiled wider.

“Khushi ji… Can I spend more time with Arshi?” She straight away asked

that question. And I know that she was hinting towards this when she asked

me to promise not to mind.

Of course she could. Why not? It would be so nice to have her grow up

under such a nice influence.

“Sure Di. Whatever you want.” I said with a big heart.

To you dear diary, it might look like I was saying this with a big heart, but I

wasn’t. I had been thinking about something for a while now. And I’m glad

Di brought this question up herself.

“You think that I am a witch right? Who is trying to snatch away your

daughter from you…” She said with her head dropped down.

“Di! Please!” I had to make her see what I wanted too.

“Di actually I needed to talk to you about something too. I have not even

talked to Arnav ji about this yet…” I was feeling guilty suddenly.

“What?” She enthusiastically asked.

“Di, on Karwa Chauth before Arshi, Arnav ji gifted me a little company…” I

remember those terrible days. Sheetal ji had made my life a living hell back

then.

“That is so sweet of chote! I’m proud of him :)” She gladly said.

“Di, it’s actually the ‘Dabba Service’. I always wanted to make lunchboxes

for people and make money out of it so he registered a company.” I told her.

This was all too sudden. In the recent past, I had not even been thinking

about it. But Arnav ji’s absence all the time made me decide that I wanted to

do something with my life as well. And it could only work both ways. He

works I work. He stays happy I stay happy. Plus, Di got Arshi. I was sure of

that. And I would be back home before Aarav returns from school so I guess

all is sorted out. I just hope Arnav ji agrees to it. Since now I had also found

the perfect baby sitter for Arshi.

“That is so nice! Khushi ji you should totally do it! Chote will be so proud of

you! And don’t worry about Arshi. I got her.” She was beaming with

happiness.

“Thank you so much Di.” I got up and hugged her. She was really the most

supportive sister ever.

And I do not need to worry about Arshi. Nani jhi, Mami ji, Jiji, Di all of

them will take good care of her I know.

“So get up now. Go surprise your husband.”

I packed all that ugly food which Di was happy with and kissed my kids,

hugged Nani ji and Di and walked out of Shantivan.

(Jiji is at Bua ji’s. And Mami ji at some parlour.)

________________________________________________________

“Oh God Arnav ji. It was supposed to be a surprise for you. And you are

surprising me instead.”

I seriously cannot remember the last time Arnav ji hugged me like this. It

was not a desire. It was a need. To the acute point of pain. I could see in his

eyes that something had went wrong. Something was bothering him. But is it

right to shower him with questions right away?

“Khushi… I” He started to say something and stopped midway… What was

wrong?

“Come.” I said to distract him.

“Where?” He asked in a tiny little voice that almost broke my heart. What

was wrong? Why was he so hurt? Can’t be just that conference which Jija ji

tells me went smooth…

“Poolside.” I said the words and as soon as I did, his total body posture

shifted. His pupils dilated and his jaw went taut.

What really was wrong?

I strode to the door and opened the door. And there was a naked woman

hungrily looking for something to cover herself up. Much to my shock, it

was Lavanya ji.

Oh…

I turned around to face Arnav ji who had his back at me. He was facing the

wall.

What? Now what? He could not look at me now?

Just a second ago he was my loving husband. And now he looked like a

stranger.

Oh and there they were. Traitor tears. A cool hand clutched my heart and

squeezed it will rotating it mercilessly. Icy cool water was injected in my

veins and I could not help but feel abandoned. There was my husband, who

had his back on me. And there was my friend who was caught indecent with

my husband.

Had this been happening all along? Is this why I had no idea that Lavanya ji

was back from London? Was that Nanny story all a lie? Blood in my face

and my palms started to burn then. And there I stood on the border line of

two states. Not sure where I go from here. Not certain where I will be when

the sun rises. This morning I was warm in my bed wrapped in Arnav ji’s

arms. And tonight? How many ways would he hurt me? How many times

will he make me cry?

I stood there waiting for someone to say something. Arnav ji never faced

me. And Lavanya ji was taking forever to make herself presentable.

My knees went jelly and I was not sure I could stand still without falling. I

cleared my throat from the lump of unshed tears and quietly sat at the couch.

Seconds later Lavanya ji came and sat at my feet.

“Chamkili I promise. I swear it’s not even close to what it looks like. Oh

God please stop crying.” She put her head on ly knees and hugged my waist.

And I sat there frozen.

“Chamkili please. Please. ASR say something. Please. I’m with Nanny. I

swear I’m in love with him. There is nothing like you think. ASR please tell

her.” She pleaded.

“Leave Lavanya.” His voice was a stern command. Cool and firm.

“What? But ASR…” She protested.

“Lavanya please?” He requested this time with a warmer voice.

She stood up then and hugged me again.

“I wouldn’t dare Chamkili. You know it. I wouldn’t risk my friendship that

way with either one of you.” She gave Arnav ji a look too and walked

towards the door.

“Chamkili please. I’ll come over tomorrow.” She said with such concern that

I nodded instinctively.

That calmed her down a bit and she sighed heavily. And then finally left the

room.

Am I seeing this room for the last time? I thought to myself… Who knew.

Then a few heart beats later, which stretched violently over decades, Arnav

ji finally came to me and sat right where Lavanya ji sat, at my feet. And I

don’t know why, that sight was uncomfortable to look at…

“Khushi?” He asked authoritatively.

I did not have it in me to respond to that.

“Listen to me…” He pleaded.

“I’m listening” I told him. In fact I had been waiting curiously for him to say

something. Anything! Tell me where did I go wrong.

“I…I don’t know what to say…” He finally said the words I despise.

“Me neither.” I informed him. And it was as true as it gets.

He went silent then. What am I doing here. I don’t think I belong here

anymore. But where will I go? And more importantly; did I want to go?

“Khushi…” He began this time more serious than before perhaps.

I continued to stare down at my fingers.

“I’m scared.” He announced.

This what I fear too, we are too alike. Too similar, will I be able to go?

But then again, did I have to go? Lavanya ji made it pretty clear that it was

nothing. And Arnav ji looks devastated. May be my eyes are deceiving me.

May be by leaving him and my perfect little family, I’ll make a mistake.

May be…

“I’m scared that I’m losing you. Scared that if you choose to believe

otherwise, I’ll be alone.”

The pain in his voice was evident. Can I trust him?

“Say something.” He said.

I took a deep breath. “What do you want me to say?”

“Anything. Just say anything.” He continued with a shaky voice.

“I need some water.” I announced.

My throat was burning. It was as if vinegar had been flushed down my

throat. It stung, it burnt.

Without saying a word, he shot up from the floor and disappeared.

I examined the room where me and him had had some crazy time. My mind

was not working much though, but I clearly remembered the moments we’ve

had here.

Few seconds later I saw through the glass walls Arnav ji coming inside with

a water bottle.

He handed it to me and I gulped two huge sips down. It felt better, sort of.

He can’t do that to me. He can’t cheat on me, our family… I’ve seen it in his

eyes, how much he loves us all. He’s not the person anymore who would let

me fall off from the balcony.

“Khushi, I would apologize, but really, nothing happened.”

He explained. His voice was robotic. Expressionless. He had taken the grief

too seriously.

He was letting it all hit him. And in one instant, I know that I trust him. I

know that he loves me. I know that no matter what happens, he would never

ever cheat on me. And if anything happens ever, he would own it. He’s not

the person to in shadows. He stands tall and faces it.

So what that my eyes saw something that my broke my heart? So did Arnav

ji on the roof top. Between me and Shayam ji. When nothing happened then,

nothing has happened now I’m sure.

Sometimes your eyes can trick you.

“I won’t make your mistakes.” I told him.

And I literally saw his heart broke. Tears were beginning to pool in his eyes.

No matter what happens, I can’t see him cry.

“You’re leaving.” He said in a devastated voice. And there I saw his fear

naked. How much has he changed. How much does it hurt me to see him

like this.

May be he was better off without him. He was a strong man. And now I am

his weakness.

I had to make him see.

“I won’t make your mistakes.” This time I held his face in my hands.

Even the events today would suggest otherwise, but he needed some

comfort. I hugged him. He placed his head on my lap and let the tears fall.

Why was he so scared? It was just me. An ordinary girl with no background.

I was the girl brought up by the woman who was the reason his mother died!

How can he love me this much?

“I won’t make your mistakes” I assured him again while we were still

hugging. “I trust you more than I trust my eyes, more than I trust myself, my

reflection, my shadow. Please don’t cry.” He was supposed to convince me.

But I need no convincing. I instead feel sorry that I have made my man so

weak. And a part of me wants that man back. The old stone hearted man

back whom no one could hurt.

“Khushi I…” He began but then his voice disappeared. I ruffled his hair, run

my fingers through them and gently lifted his head up. I made him see my

face and smiled at him. Then I passed him the bottle and he drank some of

the left over water.

And that right there, was my answer. Arnav Singh Raizada. Drank from the

bottle I drank from. He drank my left over water. He must really love me,

love me more than his ego. And his old words rang in my ears ‘My ego

makes me who I am.’ That stern man had said.

“How can I leave you? Do I have any reason to?” I asked him.

That pain in my chest went. It was gone the second I decided that I trusted

him.

“You should be mad at me.” He said still now facing me.

“I will be” I told him.

His head shot up and he looked in my eyes with that same fear.

“I will be mad at you if you tell me you’ve had dinner without me.” I smiled.

I was looking for his smile for a long time now. But it was gone somewhere.

I miss Arnav ji from this morning. Who was so happy holding his daughter

in his arms.

He faintly smiled, still not relieved.

“I couldn’t eat with the delegation knowing that you will be waiting for me.”

He admitted

I smiled.

“I was going to come back home Khuhsi… I was about to-” He began to

explain. I interrupted him midway.

“What kind of a wife would I be if I need my husband’s words to make me

trust him?” I asked him. And I could see that he was deeply touched.

I took his hand in my hand and put it on his chest just over his heart.

“Remember last Holi? You told me that our heartbeats synchronize? They

become one? Well it’s not just our hearts Arnav ji. It’s our souls.” And as

soon as I said that, he pulled me in a kiss. He kissed me hungrily,

passionately, possessively, lovingly , longingly and I welcomed his touch.

And soon, too soon he pulled away.

I looked up at his face and he was breathless. Just inches away from my lips

he breathed “The office is see through. All glass.” He smiled.

And oh! I saw that now. And instinctively, I adjusted my shirt and fixed my

dupatta.

“What did I do to get you as a reward?” He asked.

“Exist” I plainly said and blushed.

“Dinner?” I asked him.

“Can’t wait.” He smiled and took my hand as I collected the lunch box. He

walked me out his office and took me to the rooftop .

I served the dinner in the paper plates and saw him smile.

“ ‘I’m not going to repeat your mistakes?’ ” He repeated my words asking

me to explain what I meant.

I cleared my throat.

“You said you heard and saw me and Shayam ji together on the rooftop.”

And as I said his name, he flinched. I could see how much he hates him.

“And you reacted to that. I decided not to repeat your mistake.” I told him.

He lifted my chin up using his long warm finger “ Hey I’m sorry. I

should’ve trusted you, back then on the rooftop.”

I smiled.

“If you had chosen differently on the rooftop, we wouldn’t be together

tonight on this rooftop.” And stunned I was, at the truthfulness of my

beautiful words.

He nodded.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna listen to what actually happened tonight?”

He asked worried.

“All I want to listen to is you telling me how good of a cook I am.” I

winked.

“Is it possible to love you more?” He asked with that angelic, childish smile.

I shrugged.

He tasted my food which was now cold.

And as if I had played his favorite song, he moaned.

“Yes, it is possible to love you more.”

He, the man standing right there, was like a shard of broken glass just

under my fifth rib, barely piercing through my heart. I can breathe but

it starts to hurt as I inhale deeper, like a remittent reminder - don’t get

too comfortable in this void of your bubble of trust and faith. It might

just pierce right through your heart.

Chapter 8: “Loving Her Is The Beginning”

(Lost track of the days)

‘I am a headstrong person’. These days I chant this to myself all the time. As

if, if it’s not already true, it will. Khushi is working. Yes. Finally that Dabba

Service business is blooming. And it is all I really wanted. I mean life comes

with no guarantees. How my dad left, I can leave too. And I don’t want to

leave Khushi helpless. She needs to be on her feet. A woman like her

deserves the best. She is…, well she is mine. By some miracle, she is. She

loves me and I love her more. A year and a half ago may be, I wouldn’t have

believed that I was capable of loving someone so much that it consumes me.

But I do, I realize that I do love Khushi that way. I love her. And I can love

her with my last breath in heaven. My son. My daughter. I love them all.

And this morning I was thinking, may be its not a strength, you know how

they say? May be all of them are my weakness? It’s mean to say all that.

Even to think, is. But whom should I confide in? May be typing these words

will help?

The thing is, I’m moving to Italy for 6 months. I can’t keep fooling myself. I

am the business tycoon here. Business world here runs because of me. I

know. But the outside world? Why leave it unconquered? I have Khushi, a

family… All that I wanted is mine. But now I want more. More of the

power, the authority. Is that too bad to ask? To want? I don’t want to stay

away from my family. Aarav’s high fives, Arshi’s little palms, Khushi’s red

nose; I’ll miss it all. It hurts to think how much it is going to ache to stay

away from them. All this pain? Is loving worth it? Is my family my

weakness?

“Chote, family is your biggest accomplishment” My mother’s words still

echo in my ears. I don’t doubt a word she said, or believed in. But what’s

wrong with accomplishing little less satisfying things?

I don’t know. I hate myself for thinking all this.

“Don’t hate me Arnav ji.” Khushi had pleaded. She had tears in her eyes

which just pierced my heart. She lives in my heart. And the one who can live

there, can break it too. But it isn’t really her fault.

“I don’t hate you Khushi.” I wiped her stray tears with my thumb. Her skin,

so soft with the tears.

“I can’t come with you. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to come.” She rephrased

the same sentence. And I still ask myself, does it hurt any less? No, it

doesn’t. It hurts just the same. Say it any way, coat it with honey or sugar;

it’ll still sting.

“Khushi but… How will I manage? Without you? The kids?”

“The same way I will, without you.” She broke into tears then.

Oh my dear wife, it doesn’t have to be this hard. You just say yes. Pack your

bags and come with me.

“ I can’t just pack my stuff and leave.” It was as if she was reading my mind.

“Aarav’s school? My business?”

“I’ll help you set up there.”

“Aarav?”

“He’s a strong kid.”

“Arnav ji, listen.” She came closer and squeezed my left hand with hers. Our

engagement rings clicked.

“He has had a spotty past Arnav ji. Life has been tough already for him.”

And deep down I know she is right. But a life without them is something I

can’t just imagine.

“You’re right.” I breathed.

“Italy can’t wait?” She asked.

“Wait how long? You’ll still have a business, Aarav will still have school

even if I delay it by a decade.”

She nodded.

“Guess 6 months would…” And before she could finish the sentence she

was in tears.

I hugged her tight. Burried my nose in her lavender smelling hair.

“Just 6 months.” I ensured her.

But we both know, it could take longer. A lot longer than 6 months.

This conversation happened the night Lavanya and NK got engaged; a

month ago. She was dressed in pink it bought all those bittersweet memories

of our wedding. God forbid I ever go through that dilemma again. Even if

Khushi is at one side and the whole planet is at the other, I will choose

Khushi. Saying this, thinking this and believing in this is effortless. But why

can’t I just let Italy project go?

“ You should go. It’s your life. Your dreams. I’ll be here when you come

back. Go make some more successful hospitals.” She said with a smile that

didn’t quite touch her eyes.

And here I am today. Staring at the stars once again with Khushi. Not

knowing what tomorrow holds for me. Not knowing what the world has to

offer me, only knowing that loving her, my wife, is only the beginning.

Moments are passing by, rushing, racing…

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come see you off at the air port?” She

asked with that childish innocence .

“No, I’m not sure. But I know that if you come, I might never be able to go.”

She nodded.

“Aarav insists to come.” More pain. Those words inflicted me more pain.

Leaving her is hard, Di, Arshi, Aarav… I don’t even know how I intend to

survive there.

“Khushi? Do me a favor?”

“That garden; my mother’s… Water the plants there please?” And how

exactly do I plan to stay away from Maa?

She nodded once again.

And inside, I hope Khushi was right. That the ones who part their ways from

ours become stars. That way, I’ll at least have my mom.

“Arnav ji?” Her grief stricken voice asked me. I turned my face towards

her’s…

“Do me a favor?” She asked, stressing the word ‘me’.

I blinked my eyes in approval.

“Take care of this?” She asked as she put her hand on my chest. The very

place where the stitches marks still show.

I take her in my arms then. And we are all emotions and feelings.

____________________________________________________

“Chote? Come back soon?” Di kissed my cheek.

“Bhai, just call me if you need me.” Aakash’s conern burned in his yes.

“Chote, Don’t forget you are welcome here all the time.” Nani hugged me

and I reached down to touch her feet. And for a moment, I forgot I no longer

have mom around…

“Hello hi… I hate this bye bye.” Nani was wearing neutral make up today.

That made me laugh. My crazy family.

“Arnav ji? Khushi loves you.” As always, Payal was thinking about Khushi.

I smiled. Her pregnant belly was showing a little now. I hope things go well

for her. I really do wish the best for her… Because somewhere down the

line, it’s because of her that me and Khushi are together now…

“Nanav… My brother…” NK had no words. And honestly neither did I.

“ASR, make it quick.” Lavanya said. And I nodded.

As I picked up my bags and made sure I had all the documents, little arms

wrapped my waist from behind.

“Forget me?” Aarav asked winking.

I smirked back at him.

“Buddy, Is that possible?” I swung him up in my arms.

“I’ll miss you Daddy.” That plucked a string.

“Baby boy, I’ll miss you too. Now listen up.” I kneeled down and whispered

in his ear.

“Yeah what?” He answered. He was chirpy today. I can leave smiling.

“Take care of the family okay? You are the man now okay? Don’t let mom

work to hard or your sister do anything nasty okay?” I know, to him the idea

of being in charge is thrilling.

“You got that ;) But Arshi will do nasty stuff. And mommy says all babies

poop their pants” And with that he burst out laughing.

Oh God. How nice it is to see him laugh. And it’s now I realize, I never

really was a child. I grew up to quick. This stage Aarav is going through, I

never have… I don’t know how it feels to be kid.

With my last words to the family, I headed for the departure lounge.

“Skype!” Aarav yelled at me. And there I could see, little tears in his eyes.

My family, I leave it here. Taking with me ambitions and goals. Soaking in

all the good times Arnav has had. And regretting all the ill deeds by that

ASR.

As I enter the lounge my blackberry beeps.

It’s a message from Khushi.

*In your front left pocket*

What the? What does that mean? Thinking and re reading it again, I slip my

hand in my front left pocket and my fingers feel a piece of paper.

Oh! It’s a letter, from Khushi… It’s pink of course.

I open it…

“What is it about the moment you fall in love? How can such a small

measure of time contain such enormity? I suddenly realize why people

believe in déjà vu, why people believe they have lived past lives, because

there is no way the years I have spent on this Earth could possibly

encapsulate what I’m feeling. Loving you feels like it has centuries

behind it, generations – all of them rearranging themselves so that this

precise , remarkable intersection could happen. In my heart, in my

bones, no matter I know how silly it is, I know that everything has been

leading to this, all the secret arrows were pointing here, the universe

and time itself crafted this long ago, and I’m just now realizing it, I

have are now arrived to the place I was always meant to be. Loved the

that ASR, love you still. Always have, always will.

K”

Khushi had poured her heart. And now my eyes are pouring tears. I cry in to

oblivion, after a long time, my heart is touched. I feel all that pain, certainly,

all this while, it was Khushi I was supposed to end up with.

I’m pulled out of my thoughts when my blackberry beeps again.

*In your back right pocket*

This time I quickly dig my fingers in my right pockets and find a

handkerchief; pink again.

She knew I would be in tears after reading it all. And as my tears fall, I can’t

identify, which one’s are tears of joy and which one’s are the tears of

sorrow.

Chapter 9: “Miles, oceans and hours”

Dear Pinky

Life isn’t the same anymore. With him not being around, it feels incomplete.

It’s as if a part of me has gone missing. I miss him. I miss him so much. All

the time that we have spent together now comes to haunt me. My life starts

and ends on him. He is the center of my universe so what do I do without

him? He says that my dabba service will keep me busy and distracted. But

nothing in the world is good enough of a distraction from him. How do you

get distracted from the sole reason you breathe? Aarav misses him as much

as well. The other day I saw him shedding tears on the pillow.

“I miss him too.” I told Aarav.

“Ask him to come back please” My baby boy said in between the tears.

Oh my, how many times have I thought about doing that in the last 15 days

that I have lived without him? Countless. But how can I be selfish with him?

I have to do the right thing by him. Be his strength and tell him that time

passes like an impulse; lightening quick.

“Aarav that would only make things worse for him” But he’s just a kid.

Almost 9 years old. Would he understand what I’m trying to say?

“But I miss him.” He hugged me then. I am his only parent around right

now. I have to be strong for him.

“I know baby I know. But think about it, we have Arshi, Nani, Anjali

Phupho, NK chachu, Aakash uncle, Payal Auntie and Lavanya Auntie… We

have so many people around us. He is the one alone. And he must miss you

more than you do.”

“No. I miss him more.” He insisted.

“I agree. But don’t tell Daddy about this okay?” I winked, trying and failing

at making his mood better.

He gave me a suppressed laugh.

“Want to sleep with me tonight?” I asked and his face lit up.

He nodded quickly.

These days, Arshi is irritated by little things too. I know she’s just a baby

who is hardly 6 months old. But the difference in her is remarkable. I

remember how even before her birth, Arnav ji’s voice calmed her down. I

know how attached she is to her father. Well, mother and daughter both :/

I tried doing things that will keep me busy but nothing helps. Bua ji’s house

holds no attraction for me anymore. That place just reminds me of him too

much.

Well, Mr Sharma’s order is the biggest I have got since I have set up the

business. Actually it’s huge! I don’t know how I ended up bagging that but I

did. I’ll tell Arnav ji tonight, he must be very proud of me. So the deal is that

I will make food for his company 5 days a week. The five working days. 2

meals with 3 dishes each. An entree, a main dish and a dessert. The first

meal I have to deliver at 2 in the afternoon. The standard lunch time for all

the offices. And the second meal is due at 8pm. Pretty easy. The earlier deals

were too tough. 7 days a week with 4 meals a day with 3 dishes each. This is

quite good. And they pay me well too :D But the best part, they love my

food. I have made some new friends there but no one really is a substitute

for him. I hope he feels the same way.

I remember Amma telling me that men love very differently from women.

They expect us to love recklessly. But when it comes to them, their outlook

at love is different, may be even unfair. But I know Arnav ji, and I trust him.

I know that he misses me just as much as I do. May be even more. Hey

Daivi Maiyyan! I should’ve gone to see him off, absorbed the last of him

that I could. Take it, soak as much of him as I could. See him as much as I

could do. But he didn’t want me to come. And partly it’s also because of

what happened the last time I went to the airport to see him off, just when he

was – He was kidnapped. The thought is still uncomfortable. He has said

many times how he wishes he had listened to me and not gone. “Arnav ji,

what happened shouldn’t have happened. But don’t hate yourself for it. Had

it not happened, you would’ve never seen the real face of Shayam and

trusted me.”

It was so high of him back then to trust me. Even that day I had no proof.

Nothing to prove my innocence. But he trusted me anyways. That was

actually the day that changed my life.

To live without him was hard then and to live without him is hard now. That

at least, has not changed. I hope the day passes quickly, can’t wait to talk to

Arnav ji. I’m so glad Aarav told me about Skype.

___________________________________________

“What the! Khushi you look wrecked! Have you stopped eating!?” My Laad

Governor! Always so controlling.

“No, I eat just the same. Infact I’ve been over eating.”

“I know… Jalebis. Such an emotional eater!”

I smiled.

“I miss you.”

“Don’t say that Khushi. That almost makes me catch the flight back to

India.” He said weakly. As if he really would.

“Oh no! I mean I miss you but not that much.” I joked. Woah, even to say

that stung.

He laughed.

“Mrs. Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada, you are off limits!”

I laughed too. And for a good long period of time, the main almost went

away and I almost forgot that he’s oceans away.

“You know who my new boss is?” I asked enthusiastically.

“Tell me!” He reciprocated that enthusiasm.

“Rahul Prakash Sharma!”

“No kidding?”

“Seriously! And the best part, they love my food and pay me about 750$ per

meal.”

“That is huge! How many meals you’re making per day?” He asked.

“2.”

“Wow! 1,500$ a day! That is huge! What’s the profit percentage?”

“I’m left with almost a thousand dollars after the wages. And of course that

is after deducting what I invested too.”

“I. Am. Impressed!” He said each word with a discrete pause that made his

compliment bigger than it was.

“I love you Arnav ji. Thank you so much for this company.”

He smiled.

“Talking of the money, I just sent Aakash some money for you. He’ll

deposit it in your bank by the morning or so.”

“What? Why? I mean you pay for Aarav’s schooling from there. What are

you sending the money for?” He’s being irrational now.

“Shut up Khushi. Look at yourself. Buy yourself some food with that

money!” He joked.

Will we ever get past this? Whenever I try to talk to him about something he

either gets too mad or turns it into a joke. That way the topic isn’t open for

discussion anymore.

“Arnav ji.” I mumbled.

“Why this long face? His concern was evident from his voice and facial

expressions.

“You make me feel like a gold digger. I don’t want all this money.”

“Where the hell did that come from?”

“You are so rich and handsome and… Well, you are you. And look at me. I

did not bring a penny in to this marriage. And you keep showering me with

all this money.”

“Khushi, you’re insane. You’re my wife. I want to give the world to you.

And you are my responsibility.”

“I don’t want the world. Just you.” I plainly said. There was no moment of

doubt in this.

“You have me.”

“I know. But the money… I don’t need it Arnav ji. I can’t accept it. Take it

back. Besides I earn myself now.”

“And I am happy that you do. Now, you’re pissing me off Khushi. Don’t do

this. This topic isn’t up for discussion.”

He won’t ever understand how I feel. All my life I have lived in poverty. But

I did not marry him for his money. He has me because I love him. He

doesn’t have to pay me for anything.

But, I don’t want to ruin his mood any further. I mean we already talk so

less. This time is definitely not for fighting.

“Thank you for giving me the money.” I gave up.

And he smiled. I know doing all this brings him happiness.

“Thank you for giving me yourself.” He added.

“Ditto” I said.

“Need to go now Khushi.” He sadly said.

“Okay.”

“Sleep well” He adoringly said.

“WAIT!” I almost screamed

“What?” He was alert now.

“You already talked to Aarav right?” I asked.

He visibly relaxed.

“Sanka Devi, I died a little with that scream of yours! And to answer your

question; yes, I already did.” He smiled.

“I love you.”

“And I you.” He added and disconnected the call.

The call ends and the face splitting grin on my face disappears. He is miles

away. Miles, oceans and hours.

Missing his scent, his touch, his presence and his perfect self; I go to sleep

crying.

_____________________________________

Dear Pinky

Oh God! How the hell did I sleep this much! What time is it? What century

is it?!

Daivi Maiyyan! Where is Arnav ji?

Suddenly the painful reality strikes- Italy.

One glace at the clock sets me shivering! 8:45!

I rush to the washroom and change in to presentable clothes and run out of

the room. I stride towards Arshi’s room who is still soundly sleeping. Then I

run to Aarav’s room. God! I am so so so late! I over slept for almost two

hours! He hates to miss school. Daivi Maiyyan!

Still out of breath, I open Aarav’s room only to find it empty.

Where is he? I hope I can still drop him off. He would only miss the first

period if we make it there till 9.

I run downstairs. Decelerate the stairs and listen to Nani ji panicking.

“Khushi bitiya slow!” She calls out.

“I’m in a hurry Nani ji. Aarav’s school.” I call back at her.

“Where is he?” I ask her when I reach the dining table where she’s sitting

and eating something… Apples maybe? I don’t know, I just need to see

where Aarav is.

Nani ji sat there calmed down.

“Khushi bitiya sit.” She gestured with her hand.

I touched her feet first and then greeted her. Something I had skipped doing

earlier.

I did as she said and took the seat.

“You work so hard. No one wanted to disturb you. Anjali bitiya dropped

him to school” She said with a smile.

There! I sighed heavily. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath.

Thank you Daivi Maiyyan!

Di is such a life saver.

“Thank you Nani ji. But next time when and if I over sleep, please wake me

up.” I told her.

She smiled.

“Where is everyone?” I asked.

“The usual. Manorama is sleeping, Anjali bitiya is at the temple and Payal

bitiya is in the kitchen. Others at office.” She summarized.

Oh.

“Thanks Nani ji.” I stood up.

“Sit for a while bitiya.” She asked.

“ Would love to Nani ji. But I have to get a bath and go shopping for the

groceries for today’s lunch.” I apologized.

My work is keeping me from my family. I hardly sit with my family and talk

to them. Tonight definitely. I’ll dine with them. I miss them. Specially

Nanhay ji’s hindi.

I walk towards the stairs when Nani ji calls again.

“Khushi bitiya a parcel came for you. You go get ready, I’ll ask Hari

Prakash to drop it to your room.” She smiled.

“Thank you Nani ji.” A parcel? Who would send me a parcel? And why?

Come on Khushi. You are business woman now. Bluetooth earpiece

business woman! You work. And you make money. Must be some client or

someone.

I check on Arshi again. Only this time I pick her up in my arms from her

pink crib and put her in her pram. I wheel it to Nani ji.

_________________________

It’s a pink little sparkly box. Wow. Isn’t it very cute!

I pick it and examine it closely. No name written on it.

I open it and almost immediately, a pink greeting card falls in to my lap.

First thought in my mind? ARNAV JI!

I open it with an accelerated heartbeat and yes! It confirms that it’s from

him!

His signature!

I open the box and stare at it for a few seconds… A mobile phone. He’s

gifting me a phone? I already have one. What!? This makes no sense.

I switch it on and our wedding picture welcomes me. Tears fill eyes as I look

at it. My legs go jelly and I can hardly stand.

I sit on the bed and continue to stare at the screen.

The picture eventually vanishes and a piano music plays for about five

seconds. The home screen appears with loads and loads of icons. Woah. This

looks technical.

Behind the icons then, appears another picture. One from holi. Arnav ji is

applying the red color to my pale cheeks. My heart melts.

Suddenly the phone vibrates and I almost drop it on the bed. An email. I just

received an email. I open it up and it’s from Arnav ji.

Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada, it’s a black berry. Email me

whenever you want.

P.S this is more of a gift to me. Can’t live with talking to you just once in a

day.

Oh! So it’s not just any other phone! It’s my carrier pigeon!

I hit reply and a wide white screen appears. I struggle to type.

Daivi Maiyyan! Arnav ji! Thank you so much! This is exactly what I wanted!

I wanted to write more but I accidently pressed the send button.

I stared at it for a few seconds anxiously. And there, it vibrated again.

You shou;d’ve told me that you wanted a black berry.

Oh quick reply! This should be fun! I hit reply.

Talking more often with you is what I wanted. The phone I care less about.

I sent the message and almost completely forgot that I have other work to

do.

Just what I thought -_- Khushi you are so naïve ;)

The day dragged painfully slow. But today was a good day. It was almost

like I had him standing right next to me.

I joined the family for the dinner and we chatted for about an hour. His

absence was sorely missed. Nanhay ji tried to call him on skype but he was

in some meeting.

I tucked my babies in to bed and then came to my room childishly grinning.

I took out my black berry and began to explore this little piece of

technology.

Arnav ji had clealy given this gift a lot of thought. The phone had my

favorite songs. The gallery was full of our pictures and it even had a few

Salman Khan pictures. Oh my! How I love this man!

I typed him a quick message before sleeping.

You made me cry again.

I love the black berry.

I love the pictures.

I love the songs.

I love you.

His reply was instant.

I’m glad you like it.

Now, if I were there, I would kiss away your tears.

But I’m not- So go to sleep.

My bossy laad governor!

I will. Soon, listening to the beautiful songs you sent and missing you.

I begin to wait again. And then it vibrates

One more request; Dream of me.

Dream of you Arnav ji? Always. I don’t see how can’t I.

Chapter 10

Arnav’s Diary.

August 5th

Italy is a different market. May be also a difficult market. India and Italy?

There’s only one thing common, both start with an ‘I’. In India it’s easier.

The deals, the transactions, the money making. Here it’s sort of a challenge.

But not something I can’t do. I am the freaking best in what I do! Or at least

Di and Khushi tell me that I am.

It’s been a month here and things have only begun to shape up. I have now

finally set up my own office and moved to my new apartment this weekend.

Was tired of living in a hotel. That was too crowded for my taste. Finding an

apartment here was a task too! But then again, I’m not a newbie in this field.

Italy has huge scope for money making. Business men from all over the

world are eyeing this place. And I’m glad I made it on time. The first big

deal that I bagged here was yet again a hospital. And honestly, with

experience, it now looks easier. But you know what just fell into my lap

yesterday morning? Something totally unexpected! A housing society here! I

mean a whole housing society! How huge is that! And if we meet the

deadline; which is kind of obvious that we will, the profit will be in billions!

That too dollars! Setting up a staff here wasn’t easy too. It was almost like

starting from scratch. But in a month I have hired 250+ people for my

company and have called many from India too.

Till last week it was all exhausting. But then Rita is a catch! Graduate from

LSE, young, intelligent and Indian. Well sort of Indian. Half Indian.

Honestly, trusting people has been hard ever since Aman incident happened.

But I have to get past it. I need a secretary. And that too a girl. Can’t trust a

man around me at this time. Then there are Marshall, John and Damon. All

handsome men in their early twenties. All men of great talents. The best

among them is Damon. He can foresee the market trends. But till now I have

not used any of them or their talents. Right now all I can trust is myself.

Well, my apartment is a luxury! A swimming pool, 7 bedrooms, A giant

stair case, A lavish living room and most of all the modern interiors. I have

never been the man of geography, but this place I love! A few blocks away

in some cheap building, Marshal and John have rented a flat. They sort of

are together. Cool. Whatever anyone is okay with, all I need is work. And

since they live so near, they are accessible all the time. And a few blocks to

the west, live Damon and Rita. They also have a thing. Wow, with all these

love birds around me, I can’t help but feel a little alone. The last time I felt

this way was at Aakash’s wedding. Oh! The memories that brings! But even

though there is hardly a moment in the day when I get to sit and think about

all this. As the hospital is progressing, I’m getting busier and busier. And I

feel bad for not giving sufficient time to my family. It’s partly because of the

time zone difference too. Khushi doesn’t sleep till she’s talked to me and Di

also makes an effort occasionally but it’s not the same. Khushi seems to

have flushed down her blackberry. But I know what she’s doing. She’s

giving me time to focus on the business. And doesn’t reply during the day so

that I don’t get disturbed. But even if she does reply, I have no time to sit

and talk to her. Back in India, I could have a sound lunch in some quiet

place but since here we are still setting up, I also have lunch meetings. And

honestly, I can’t remember the last time I had dinner. Like a proper meal.

One that Khushi used to make me eat. Either it’s granola these days or some

snacks. The staff at the apartment is kind and accommodating. But the feel

of home is missing. Strange how I never knew I was missing so much in life.

Of course this is the BK period. Before Khushi.

She gave me a family. She turned my house in to a home. It’s 4 in the

morning right now and I can’t sleep. Even though I have a breakfast meeting

in about four hours. Khushi is sleeping. Her last text said that she had worn

some stupid high heels to the Sharma dinner party and now is exhausted.

She must have crashed right away since she didn’t reply. You know what? I

feel like a teenager with her. Texting and maintaining a lost distance

relationship… It’s fresh. I miss her. And probably value her more. But the

sad part is I don’t know when I’ll see her again. May be on NK’s wedding?

But he’s adamant on getting married when I return. But the thing is, who

knows will I return? Well I surely can spare a week and go visit them and

that is when NK can get married. But that will be months away. At least 3

months. At least. The hospital has to be in a better shape. And technically

there is no one here on whose responsibility I can leave the business.

Well, I’ll have to put the laptop down. I have this breakfast meeting and also

some site visiting to do for the housing project.

____________________________________________

August 6th

Technically, it’s the 7th. Since it’s 2 in the night. The meetings were fine.

What’s with the Italian accent? I like it! Though I admit, I wouldn’t like it

for myself. And oh the site! Visited four places today. Don’t think I like any

of them :/ I know this way I might end up losing the contract but it has to be

a good location. I have a few ideas in my mind…

Oh! Khushi on Skype.

“Hey there!” I quickly type in a message.

“Hey!” She replies quickly.

“Where’s your phone?” Has she literally flushed it down?! I hope not!

“Aarav has it. He’s playing some car racing game.” She typed in.

“Oh. Okay. I thought you threw it away :P”

“Now why would I do that?”

“Why wouldn’t you?” I asked. I miss her witty responses.

“You know that I wouldn’t just throw it away…” She replied.

“Why? Is there some special sentiment attached to it ;) ?” I pressed.

“Oh yes.” She answers.

“So you won’t throw it because I gave it to you?” I asked again. (My face

might split into two if I keep grinning like this)

“No. I wouldn’t throw it away because it has Salman Khan’s pictures in

it :D”

“You wound a man’s ego!” I joked.

“ ‘A man’s’? Excuse me? You underestimate me. Many men actually. Did

you forget your wife is in business now?” She joked. (Rather, I hope she’s

joking)

“Enough! I’m calling. Want to see you. Pick up.” Why hasn’t she video

called me today? Weird. But then again, what about her isn’t weird?

I call.

She rejects it.

“What the?” She asks.

“Exactly! Pick up the call Khushi!” I’m intrigued now.

“Arnav ji, it’s not a very good idea… Tomorrow may be?” She refuses to

give in! What a frustrating little woman! My woman…

“Khushi, don’t make me call Aakash at this time.” I threaten her. Somehow,

this always works ;)

“Oh yeah?” She asks. She is sidelining me. Something is very fishy about

this conversation…Is she okay!?

“Khushi! I know what you’re trying to do. Pick up the call right now or help

me God…” I throw in another threat.

I call. And somehow, I know that this time she will receive.

She receives. Adjusts the screen and then stares at me with her round bouncy

eyes…Sad eyes. What the hell has happened?

“Khushi…” It’s all I could say.

She is definitely sad. And has been crying too. Her face is tear stained. What

the hell happened!

“Arnav ji.” She says in her little voice that sends shivers down my spine.

“What Khushi? Tell me. What is it?” I press.

What wouldn’t I just give away to be with her right now? To hold her, to

feel her…

She gently turns her face away so that I can see her left cheek.

What is that!

There is a huge cut. An inch and a half may be? Woah! It looks deep too.

Who the fuck did that to her!

Khushi had tears in her eyes but then, she smiled. A fake, suppressed, sad

smile.

“Who?” I plainly asked. I closed my eyes then. The view was too painful to

take in. Coming to Italy was a bad bad idea!

“What? No, no!” She denied.

“Khushi, I asked who. Now!” I am furious. Yes. I am. But why am I mad at

her? She can’t do this to herself. Someone else has definitely done it. And

done what else, who knows! Oh Lord! I’m losing my patience here!

“This morning I was slicing the vegetables. I don’t know what came over

my mind I just startled…”

So she’s saying… ummm GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS SHE SAYING?

“Go on” I bark.

“I startled and somehow ended up doing this to my face” As she completed

her explanation, she was in tears again.

“WHAT?” I shouted.

I don’t care what the staff at house thinks or assume. I just freaking want to

run someone down my car! What has been happening there?!

She broke into carefree sobs then.

Oh please no! Don’t cry damn it!

“Khushi.” I summoned her, calmer now.

“Why are you so mad at me?” She asked between the tears.

Oh crap! May be I should watch out. My tone! Damn it!

“I’m sorry Khushi. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself.” It’s true. I hate

being away from her at this point when she probably needs me. Probably?

Definitely!

“Why are you always mad? At someone or another?” She asked innocently.

“I don’t know Khushi.” It’s true. I don’t know.

“I miss you.” She began to cry again.

BAD DECISION! COMING TO ITALY WAS A BAD BAD DECISION!

“Khushi, listen, I’m boarding on the next flight I can manage okay? Just

calm it down please. I’ll join you shortly.” Finally! I get to see her! Meet her

I mean.

“No! Stay. I’m okay. It’s just a cut.” She insisted.

“No. The decision has been made and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

Crap! I’m mad again! Keep it down Arnav!

She threw her head down and began to cry again.

“Khushi look at me…” I ask

She still has her head dropped.

“Khushi, I’m sorry. Please look at me?” I request this time. Put aside tour

CEO tone for a second Arnav!

She looks at me then. Pink nose, pale face.

“It hurts?” What a stupid question I have asked! Obviously it does!

“It does. I can’t… I can’t smile or talk much or anything. It really hurts!”

Somehow, I know that she was talking about the scar and me being away,

both at the same time.

“Did they stitch it?” What doctor has she been going to?

“Yes they did.” She plainly answered.

“Khushi, don’t talk much please. I’ll be with you real soon. Maximum, by

tomorrow night. Please be well Khushi.”

“You’re not coming. It’s just a little cut. You work please. Keep things

going there and I’ll handle stuff here.”

“Khushi, please. I don’t want to fight. I’m coming.” Why won’t she let me

take care of her?!

“Arnav ji please! Stop! I’m promising you I’m okay. Everyone here is. You

don’t have to leave everything and come just because your stupid wife is

crying!” She is in tears again.

“Khushi, you have practically sliced your face! Please let me come.” I, I just

don’t know what’s the right thing to be done right now. She needs me, but

doesn’t want me. What is she doing?

“Arnav ji, let me recover. In a week or so I’ll be fine. Then you can sit

calmly and decide when you want to come. Then only, give us a date for the

wedding.” Oh! She wants me to wait…

“Wedding can happen without me. You,…”

“I can heal without you. As much I want you here, Arnav ji, I don’t want

you to come right away. Stay there. Wind work up and then come back to

us.” She’s talking about the long term.

“Are you sure?” I give up. I can’t offend her first and go to make her happy.

That is just messed up!

“Yes. Please stay there.”

“I hate doing this.” I sadly point out.

“So do I.”

“Then why do-” She interrupts me.

“Because it’s the right thing to be done.” Of course. Khushi will always run

behind the right things to be done. The traditions, the culture.

Sometimes it wins over me. But sometimes, it just makes me mad. Like

tonight!

“I don’t like this.” I declare.

“I know. I need to sleep Arnav ji. I’m all groggy…Is that okay?” She asks

way too sweetly.

“Oh sure . Please. Sleep sound, Khushi.”

“I love you.” She says in the same little voice.

“And I love you.” I answer back and she smiles half heartedly and

disconnects the call.

She’s pushing me away. She’s building walls around her. The same Khushi

is bulding walls who has all her life built bridges.

No matter how much I expand the business, my heart contracts every time

the realization strikes; the moments I’m missing, might never come back…

It might be a different home I return to. It might be too late.

_______________________________________________

Sneak Peak: Khushi’s Diary 5th September.

I hate the way he is looking at me. Are my clothes too tight? I peep down at

myself to check. No. It’s the same sari Arnav ji gave me. It’s not tight at all.

Nervously, I clench tight to the empty glass I’m holding.

He walks to me with blazing eyes and stands right next to me. Too close to

me.

“Mr Sharma I need to put this glass away.” I say quietly.

He snakes his arm around my waste and pushes me to himself. I collide with

his chest.

Daivi Maiyyan! Help me! I don’t like this!

“What I could do with you Mrs.Raizada… Just ask for it.” I’m punching and

pushing him away but in vain. The dance floor is crowded and the music is

too loud.

“I’m saying No!” I screamed. “Let me go you lowlife!” I push once more.

But nothing happens. He’s too strong.

Daivi Maiyyan! Aranv ji! Please come help!

“I like this about you Mrs.Raizada, you are very challenging. Different from

all the women I’ve been with.”

I nervously bite my lower lip. I don’t know what to do. He is drunk and God

knows, his intentions are too clear!

“Please don’t bite that lip. Let me do that.” Saying that he leans in closer.

And I know that if I have to save myself, my virtue, I have to do something

rash! Adrenaline rushes in my veins and I smash that glass on his head.

“Owh!” He protests in pain but he’s too drunk to register that pain.

“You-!” He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he sinks to the ground and picks

up the broken glass piece. I stare at him in horror. I should run but I can’t

feel my legs! He produces that shard of broken glass and runs it hard against

my skin on the left cheek. Blood and tears ooze out at the same time. And

just in time, I run.

Chapter 11: “A Meteor”

Dear Pinky.

Is anybody out there? Is anybody listening? I don’t know anymore, dear

diary. It has been weeks and all I do is wake up to somehow end another

day. My kids are a good enough reason to look forward to a new day but

somehow things are not working out. I get up, send Aarav home and spend

time with family and Arshi. His family. I cook most of the day and by the

end of the day I am exhausted. This is all I do. Arnav ji is busy in Italy. He

talks about how speedy his life is and how rushy the office is getting. I hope

he gets what he’s looking for. But the thing is, did he have to look for more?

I laid my world at his feet. We have these beautiful children and such a

supportive family. He had an established business here. And even then he

wanted more. At least to me it doesn’t make sense. And there are days when

I just don’t know anymore if he’s still loyal or has he betrayed me. I shall

never let Arnav ji know all this; my moments of doubt. But he was supposed

to stay with me. Here. And now, he really has succeeded in putting a

thousand miles between us.

And partly, I’m also mad at myself. What did I think? Business is his

occupation. His way of earning a living. Did I really believe that his life

would slow down?

But a voice inside my head tells me that I was assuming things. And every

day that drags by, my resolve strengthens.

“Khushi?” Jiji enters the room.

“Careful Jiji!” These days I’m overprotective about Jiji. You know how she

is don’t you? She doesn’t take care of herself. And Jija ji is always busy with

the AR Designs. Now that Arnav ji has left.

“I’m fine Khushi. And why are you always scribbling on this pink diary?”

She asked.

“Oh this?” I wave up my diary.

“Pinky, this is Jiji. And Jiji this is Pinky.” And Jiji is starring at me as if I

have lost my mind!

“Khushi? Are you crazy?” She asked with nothing but concern in her voice.

“Oh no Jiji I’m not! She’s my friend. I talk with her.” I smiled.

“Khushi. You’re being extremely childish right now. Well, talk to me if you

want to talk. Instead of trees and books and vegetables!”

“Jiji, it’s just a pass time. Don’t worry. How’s the baby?”

A soft smile sweeps on her face.

“He is mommy’s life!” She is so happy. I really hope she always stays like

this.

“I know how that feels.” I agreed with a smile.

“Khushi, it’s like everything is adding up. Making sense. It’s like me and

Aakash ji were destinied bring in to the world this new life…” She caresses

her belly which is now quite showing.

“I know Jiji. This feels special.”

“But I’m more tensed about the time after… Like after he is born. It’s a huge

responsibility Khushi. Raising a baby is no joke.”

“True. I’ve been lucky. I have Di.”

“Khushi, a father’s love is important. No matter how hard you try, there are

going to be loopholes.”

She is right.

“I don’t want you to go Khushi, but think about all three of you going to

Italy. You and your kids need him,”

She is right again.

“I know you want him to be the one to make the sacrifices but don’t you

see? Aarav’s school and your business is no big problem. Nothing you can’t

come around.”

She’s right once more.

“I’ll leave you to it Khushi.” She gets up to leave the room.

“Thank you Jiji.” I can’t find my voice. What I manage out is a mere

whisper.

She smiles in response and leaves the room.

Whatever she said, is all so true. May be I am wasting my time here. I

should take all of us to him. He needs us. He wanted us all there. May be

here too, I have to give up and sacrifice.

____________________________________

“What’s up?” He’s on skype and is watching me panic.

“Getting ready, as you can see! I can’t find those ear rings! You know the

round ones?” Oh my God! I’m so going to be late for the Mr. Sharma dinner.

My first business dinner!

“Oh. The pink ones?” He asks. As if he would know where they are!

“Yes. Those exactly.”

“On the side table. The one across the bed.” He points through the computer

screen.

“I put them here. In this box!” I tell him. I know this better than he does. My

bossy husband.

“Second drawer in the side table across the bed, Khushi.” He presses.

Oh God! Arnav ji please!

“Don’t you have any work to do Raizada?” I snap as I march in the direction

he is pointing.

“I do.”

“Go do that!” I call out.

I pull the second drawer and my eyes almost pop out. My mouth forms a

perfect O and I begin to blush. They are there! The pink ear rings! They are

there! Where Arnav ji said! Daivi Maiyyan. I lose this time.

I glance shyly in his direction.

He is looking at me with questioning eyes.

I guiltily walk towards the laptop and sit. I open my palms and show him the

ear rings.

He giggles. I love that sound. I miss that sound. But right now, I wish he had

been wrong and not giggling!

“So?” He asks with those playful eyes that I know too well.

“I’m sorry.” I say.

“Yeah yeah” He laughs. “Look at yourself Khushi! Your nose!”

I am staring at my knotted fingers in my lap.

“Hey! Relax! Go get ready.” He says with an assuring smile.

“You go do your work. I’m too guilty now.” I smile.

“Oh don’t be. Besides, with you and the babies not around, I have my full

attention at the work. I’ve been getting some major stuff done here.” He

smiles.

Oh!? This is how he feels? He likes being away from us? We were a

distraction to him from his work?

That kills me a little.

“Khushi?” He summons.

I shoot at him a glance.

“Wear the pink heels.” He smiles.

And I weakly smile back at him.

“Do I need to tell you where they are, too?” He smirks.

I nod my head in a disproval.

“Need to leave now. You look pretty.” He disconnects the call.

What was this? This conversation? Why am I hurt? I’m sure he didn’t mean

to hurt me.

Well, I stir through the room and slip into the heels Arnav ji suggested. I

dart down the stairs and in 10 minutes, I’m at the party.

______________________________

Woah! So many people!

But what kind of party is this? No jalebis? Or pakore? Not even gol gape?

I’m disappointed.

Well, What were you expecting Khushi? My inner self asks. This is a

modern party. Maaaadran partaaaay.

There’ll be lots of liquor. And those pathetic, tasteless, white Italian dishes

Arnav ji loves. Arnav ji… What did he mean? He’s happy there? Doing

work and focusing and in content?

“Don’t say like that, Khushi. That almost makes me catch a flight back to

India.”

“You’re my wife, Khushi. I want to give you the world.”

“Now if I were there, I would kiss away the tears”

I remember all his words. His sweet sweet words. That make me want to

climb in his lap and hug him. Burry my face in his neck. I love that man.

Besides all his perfect imperfections, I adore him with my life. I would trade

the world for him.

But does he feel the same? He gave me absolutely no indication that he

doesn’t when he was here. And away too, he keeps on reminding me that he

loves me. But what did that one sentence mean?

“Without you and the babies…”

He needed space? Why didn’t he tell me?

I’m immersed in my thoughts when the music fills the air. Daivi Maiyyan!

They call a bunch of screaming people music? RIP their music sense!

The dance floor is now crowded and I almost have no room to stand here. I

don’t belong here. So let’s do this quick. I’ll go meet Mr. Sharma, just let

him know that I was here and then leave making some excuse. I hope he lets

me. Being a gentleman that he is, he will insist me to stay for food. That

food! I’d run!

Well, a gentleman most of the times. Just the other day, I caught him staring

at me weirdly. As in, loathing! But that didn’t happen again. So I guess it’s

only in my head.

I skim the crowd who is dancing like total idiots! In those designer shoes

and clothes. Women look more like Christmas trees! They seem to have

worn all their jewellery today! God! They have more money than sense!

There! I find Mr.Sharma. By the bar, with a glass in his hands, talking to

someone. Go Khushi. Book your ticket back to Shantivan!

I begin to march towards him. He seems to have not noticed me yet. I

carefully make my way to him. Oh, he looks different. He’s in a casual wear.

A jeans and a shirt. It’s weird looking at him when he’s not all business

manly in a suit. This sight makes me miss Arnav ji.

Wish he was around.

Wish he hadn’t said what he just did.

Wish there was no Italy.

Or Italian food!

“Mrs. Raizada! Excuse me folks. I shall join you in a while. Enjoy the party

please.” He looks at me and his eyes shine like Christmas. He excuses

himself from the other guests he was talking to.

“Mr. Sharma” I nod.

“You look good.” He says.

“I would say the same for you.” I smile politely.

“So what do you say?” He gestures with his hand at the party.

Oh, Mr.Sharma your party is stupid! Looks like a dinning room of some

mental hospital. WITHOUT ANY TABLES OR CHAIRS!

“I really like it. Good event managing” I fake a smile. Oh Daivi Maiyyan!

Lying hurts!

“Thank you. So, it’s nice to see you apart from the work. You are usually

very focused. You look calm tonight.” He sips some red orange liquid.

You have no idea Mr. Sharma! Calm is the last thing I am right now! My

husband has given me a lorry loaded with stuff to think about!

“I feel really good tonight, Mr. Sharma” I smile politely.

Had been Arnav ji around, he would have sensed my lies and discomfort. I

remember how he did months before our, ummm, brfore our contract

marriage.

“Why aren’t you drinking? Tell me. What do you want?” He asks.

“I’m fine. Thank you, Mr. Sharma. I just need to leave early.”

He arches an eyebrow up.

“This soon? You just got here.”

“I’ve been around for a while now. Met you just now though” I lie again.

Woah. Business makes people liars!

“I highly doubt that.” He smiles. And hands me a glass.

“No, really I’m -” He cuts me midway my sentence.

“Name the drink you want.” He says decisively.

Daivi Maiyyan! I don’t know the last thing about drinks.

“Water would do.” I smile.

He smiles back.

He pours me an orange liquid. What is that? Looks like juice. But could be

anything!

“I insist, drink this please.” He hands me the expensive looking glass.

I eye it suspiciously. He finally takes the clue.

“Knowing you Mrs. Raizada, I’ve only poured you orange juice.” He flashes

a smile.

I sigh and sip. It really is orange juice. Refreshing and chilled. Yummy! I

might want more.

“Mrs. Raizada, can I ask you something?” He asks.

I stop sipping and nod.

“If you don’t like anything in the party, just tell me.”

“Oh no, the party is just fine.” I smile. I lie. I fake a smile.

“No, really. I would love to know what your taste in parties is.” He smiles

again. He smiles too much! And then to return the favor, I have to smile.

Fake smile!

“And why would that be?” I’m intrigued. Why would he want to know my

taste in parties? What a weird thing to ask!

“Well, we have this trend here in my company. We celebrate birthdays. So I

was thinking of throwing you a party for your birthday next week.”

NEXT WEEK!

MY BIRTHDAY NEXT WEEK! I had forgotten about that completely!

“No, I really don’t want a party. I’d spend a day in, a quiet day with my kids.

Though I appreciate the gesture.” I smile. This time, I actually smile. Smile

at the memory of Arnav ji’s last birthday. Where he promised that he’ll

celebrate my birthday…

“Well, we could give you a day off then…” He proposed.

“No, no! It’s just like any other normal day.” I smile.

“Mrs. Raizada, We shall talk about that later, I have a few guests to attend.

Stay around till the dinner please.” He says. See!

“I’d try to stay as long as I can” As short as I can Mr. Sharma! I hate your

party! I say internally.

Well, not hate… The juice is pretty good.

He nods and leaves.

And I am all by myself. So it’s my birthday next week… Oh yes it is! I had

forgotten. And knowing Arnav ji, he had forgotten too. I don’t blame the

poor man though. He has this huge business to run…

So what do I want to do for my birthday? Well, there’s only one thing I want

to do. And only one place I want to be at. And only one person I want to be

with…

Idea! Why don’t I go meet Arnav ji? I mean I can right? I can afford it. I can

have a week off. Aarav will have Di, Nani ji and Mami ji. Arshi is already

with Di all the time. So it’s all clear… I can go right?

Let me see… Italy is far. Very far. So I would need a plane ticket. Of

course! How stupid of me!

That can be easily managed. I would have to get him a gift. A suit may be?

But his size this time! And then I am all set to surprise him! I can manipulate

the address out of Arnav ji… That wouldn’t be a problem…

And then my heart sank, I’d have to confront him. And see for myself if he

really doesn’t need us there. If he really is better off without us, our little

family? I’d have to see it for myself…

So, I have this really good plan ready! And already, my mind is going

bizarre over the idea that I’ll see him in a few days! My whole body is

suddenly alive!

I stand there smiling like a douche bag when I finally see Mr.Sharma staring

at me from a distance. The same stare I remember from the office the other

day…

Is this in my head too? Can’t be. This is true. I mean I’m not drunk! Or am

I?

I hate the way he is looking at me. Are my clothes too tight? I peep down at

myself to check. No. It’s the same sari Arnav ji gave me. It’s not tight at all.

Nervously, I clench tight to the empty glass I’m holding.

He walks to me with blazing eyes and stands right next to me. Too close to

me.

“Mr Sharma I need to put this glass away.” I say quietly.

He snakes his arm around my waste and pushes me to himself. I collide with

his chest.

Daivi Maiyyan! Help me! I don’t like this!

“What I could do with you Mrs.Raizada… Just ask for it.” I’m punching and

pushing him away but in vain. The dance floor is crowded and the music is

too loud.

“I’m saying No!” I screamed. “Let me go you lowlife!” I push once more.

But nothing happens. He’s too strong.

Daivi Maiyyan! Aranv ji! Please come help!

“I like this about you Mrs.Raizada, you are very challenging. Different from

all the women I’ve been with.”

I nervously bite my lower lip. I don’t know what to do. He is drunk and God

knows, his intentions are too clear!

“Please don’t bite that lip. Let me do that.” Saying that he leans in closer.

And I know that if I have to save myself, my virtue, I have to do something

rash! Adrenaline rushes in my veins and I smash that glass on his head.

“Owh!” He protests in pain but he’s too drunk to register that pain.

“You-!” He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he sinks to the ground and picks

up the broken glass piece. I stare at him in horror. I should run but I can’t

feel my legs! He produces that shard of broken glass and runs it hard against

my skin on the left cheek. Blood and tears ooze out at the same time. And

just in time, I run.

I’m hysteric when I get in the car. Out of breath and in blood and tears. The

driver sees me and I see his worry.

“Khushi Baji? Are you alright?”

Do I look alright!?

“Yes. Take me home please?” It’s all I say. My face hurts. Oh God. Oh God.

Daivi Maiyyan, let it be a dream please. Let it be a dream. Let it all be a

dream. Wake me up Daivi Maiyyan. Please wake me up next to Arnav ji. I

imagine that Arnav ji never left and we are together and happy. Even the

thought of it is soothing…

“Khushi Baji, I think we should call Aakash Bhaiya.”

“No. It’s really not necessary. Just drive me home.” I press. Why won’t he

listen??!

“Khushi Baji, the wound is bleeding. We need to do something about it!”

“Just take me home I said!” I scream at the poor soul.

“Oh I’m sorry Bhaiyya. I’m just upset.” I apologize.

“It’s okay, Khushi Baji.” He starts the car and the engine roars to life.

“Please give me your cell phone.” I quietly ask him. I know he’d try to call

home. I don’t want that. That’s the last thing I want.

He hands me his phone and begins to drive the car.

“Nobody gets to know about this… Please make me a promise?” I ask him.

He nods and I know he won’t tell anyone.

I silently sob and hug my knees on the way home. I hardly glance out of the

car. But when it halts to a stop, I notice that this is not home. It’s the

hospital. The same where Arshi was born. Tears start flowing afresh.

“Khushi Baji, Please I insist. I won’t tell anyone if you just show that wound

to the doctor once.” He says.

I remember tying him the rakhi months back. He vowed that he’ll protect

me. And now I know, he’s just keeping his word; looking out for me.

“Okay.” I smile.

“Stay here and take this.” I hand him his phone back.

My face is stitched and now I’m warm in my bed. It’s late so nobody has

seen me. I gently remove the bandage. It was annoying me.

I pull out my phone and type Arnav ji a message.

Thanks to your idea, my feet hurt like crazy. I am exhausted. Will talk

tomorrow. Love

________________________________________

“Did they stitch it?” He asks with pure concern burning in his eyes.

“Yes they did.”

“Khushi, don’t talk much please. I’ll be with you real soon. Maximum, by

tomorrow night. Please be well Khushi.”

“You’re not coming. It’s just a little cut. You work please. Keep things

going there and I’ll handle stuff here.”

“Khushi, please. I don’t want to fight. I’m coming.” He looks sort of mad!

“Arnav ji please! Stop! I’m promising you I’m okay. Everyone here is. You

don’t have to leave everything and come just because your stupid wife is

crying!” I begin to cry again.

“Khushi, you have practically sliced your face! Please let me come.” The

look at his face tells me that this idea of staying away, he hates…

“Arnav ji, let me recover. In a week or so I’ll be fine. Then you can sit

calmly and decide when you want to come. Then only, give us a date for the

wedding.” Wait right there Raizada! I am planning to come to you. Wound

or no wound!

He continues to reason with me. I continue to push him away.

I just don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. This was the first time I

had stepped out of the house and trusted someone other than Arnav ji. And I

had failed. Why do I trust this easily? Shayam ji? Sheetal ji? Mr. Sharma…

What is wrong with me. As tears fall, pain strikes again. I take the pain

killer, gulp it down and try to sleep.

In my dreams too, I’m at unrest. There’s fire, storms, lightening and all those

disasters. I see a meteor shoot across the sky. It’s bright and beautiful for a

minute and then, it’s all dark.

I shot for the sky but I’m stuck on the ground.

Chapter:12 “Patience Of A Saint”

Arnav’s Diary:-

It’s raining outside. And I hate rain. Or at least, I used to. It’s raining and I

have nothing to do. So I guess I’ll just sit here and type a few words like

some loner teenager and then sleep. No idea where Khushi is. She has been

dodging my calls and not replying to my texts. And this time, I think she

really has flushed down her blackberry. I just keep thinking all of it has

something to do with that incident that happened. Khushi cuts her face, then

she ignores me. Has she ever done that before? May be a few times, but only

when she was super mad at me. Is she mad at me now, too? I don’t know. Di

says she’s okay. I have talked to Aakash and NK who both tell me that she’s

sleeping it off. It hurts that much? No idea which painkillers she’s taking.

Last time she took Tramadol she had flu for days. I hope it’s not the same

again. But why wouldn’t she talk to me? It’s been what? Ummm 5 days?

That is too much. Why is she so stubborn? And why is everybody at my

house covering for her? That is so stupid! And I am so mad! She being this

way is not even letting me do my work! What’s the point in staying away

from my family then? She would challenge the patience if a saint! Well, this

last time, I’m trying again. She doesn’t pick up now, I’ll kill someone!!

“Hello Chote.” Di’s voice is calm. Beyond normal calm. TOO CALM!

“Hey, Di. What took so long?”

“I was in the other room, Chote.” WHY IS SHE THIS CALM!?

“Okay. Where’s Khushi?” Get to the point, Di. Tell me where she is.

And there! I hear her calmness slip. Her act fade.

“Ummm, Khus-. There. I mean, Khushi ji is, sleeping. Yeah. She’s

sleeping.” She says.

What the-!

“Di, just tell me please.”

“Don’t be mad, Chote. Her wound hurts. So the doctor gave her the

painkillers and she’s sleeping it off.”

“Sleeping it off!? Sleeping it off, Di? I’ve been listening to this for days

now!”

“Don’t be mad, Chote.” She requests. But how can she not see that I’m more

concerned than mad? I’m losing my mind here!

“Di, I’m more concerned than mad. Please let me talk to her. I’m worried.”

Can the words get any truer? I guess not.

“Chote, I know you spend your life worrying about her. Which is good. But

right now, worrying is the last thing you should be doing. We all are here.

She’s with us.”

Her words make me feel a bit better. But I want her voice!

“Di, what about me? She has all of you. Whom do I have?”

“You have all of us too, Chote. I’m here if you need to talk.”

Di! Just don’t say that! You guys won’t even talk to me!

“Yeah” And I disconnect the call. They are being childish. Adolescent!

Knock on the door.

“Yes?” I call out.

“Sir, may I come in?” That’s Rita. My secretary.

“Yes.”

“Sir, we just received a call from Davis Group of Industries. I think the deal

is shaping up good. Besides, James and Parker Ltd also seem pretty

interested. I think we should take advantage of this conflict between them.”

“Okay”

“Our team is ready, Sir. Should I issue them in ten minutes in the conference

room?”

“Okay”

“We also need a few papers signed by you, Sir. Shall I drop them here?” She

points with her chin towards the desk.

“Yes”

“Sir?” She asks.

“Yes?”

“You’re monosyllabic this morning. Is everything okay?” I sense something

in her voice... Concern? Wow! My family doesn’t give a crap and she

cares?!

“I don’t see how that concerns you!” Oops! That was too harsh. As soon as

the words are out, I wish I could take them back.

“Sorry, Sir.” She drops her head down. And turns on her heels to exit the

room.

“Rita? Sit here, please?” I try my softer tone.

And she obeys.

“I’m sorry. That was not for you. It’s just a rough day. That’s it.” I try to

explain. I don’t want to hurt any more people. Besides, if she quits, I’d have

to go through the trouble of the hiring process all over again.

“That’s fine, Sir. My day is no good as well.” She shrugs apologetically.

I try to smile.

“So, you were saying you need my signatures?” I remind her.

“Oh yes, Sir. These three files.” She hands me the huge files. Oh God! Who

the hell will read all this?

She smiles as if reading my expressions.

“Too much to read, Sir?”

I smile back. “Yeah.”

Then as if to help me, she briefs me about the files. What’s in them and all.

“Thank you, Rita. But still, I have to go through all of them once by

myself.” I smile.

“Sure, Sir.”

She deserves a rise in her pay I guess. The poor girl works hard.

“Sir, Is that your wife?” She asks. Pointing towards the gorgeous picture of

my stubborn wife. It’s from the calendar shoot. The very first time I felt that

the universe was pushing me to her. She wore red that day. And pink on our

wedding… What a journey it has been, from red to pink.

“Yes, that’s her.” My face lights up. And she smiles.

“She’s really really pretty.”

“I know.” I smile. Well, stubborn or not, she is pretty. Prettier when closer to

me though.

“How long has it been? The marriage?” She asks.

“ Little over a year…” Why is she asking me all this? But whatever, I don’t

mind talking about Khushi to anyone. It brings me peace.

“That’s nice.” She comments.

“I would say.” I agree with her.

“Sir, if you don’t mind, can I discuss something personal?”

“Rita, it depends on you; saying anything that I would mind.” I have to

clearly tell her. If that’s where she’s going, it’s not going to turn out well…

“Oh no, Sir. Nothing like that. It’s about me and Damon.”

“Sure. Go ahead.”

“Sir, he just proposed. And I don’t know what to answer.”

Seriously?! She’s asking me? Had she known how I have messed things up,

she would’ve never asked.

“What can I say, Rita? All I can say is that my company will make sure you

have a two week holiday if you guys do get married.” I smile.

“Sir, I love him. I do. But I’m not sure if it’s enough. I mean marriage is not

just the wedding, right? It’s a promise to be together forever.”

She knows so much better that what I did when I was her age. All I know

today about marriage is what Khushi has taught me. May be I should ask her

to call Khushi. But damn! She wouldn’t take my call, taking her’s in out of

question!

Well, I try to think like Khushi. What would she say if she were here…

Hmmm, this should be interesting.

“Rita, if you really love him, I would suggest you don’t fight this feeling.”

Aha! I sound like my wife!

“Sir, but marriage?” She presses.

“Marriage only makes things more beautiful. If you’re worried that the

magic will go somewhere, know that it won’t. It’ll be different, more intense

and more beautiful. If you are sure that Damon is the right guy, I would say

go for it.”

She visibly relaxes.

“Thank you, Sir. I’m feeling better.” She smiles.

I look at Khushi’s picture that has a proud place on my desk and say “Yeah,

me too.”

She stands up and asks “ Conference room in ten minutes?”

I smile warmly and nod.

I really do feel a lot better. May be talking face to face with someone is all I

want…

________________________________________

The day dragged. I sent Rita and Damon out for lunch :D Felt good :D But

then I had to make up for my rudeness this morning.

I still have not talked with Khushi and have absolutely no idea when will be

the next I’ll talk with her. I hate this. It’s almost midnight. The rain has

stopped and I’m ready for bed. May be I should try one last time? Should I

call Khushi? Argh! How many last times are gonna be there Arnav?! She

does not wanna talk! Get the clue!

Fine. Suit yourself. Get it your way Khushi.

Well, I’ll be going to bed , just need a glass of juice from the kitchen. I’m

not sure if the staff is up. One glass, I can help myself…

Aahhh! This was refreshing. I have some good juices in the kitchen… Was

absolutely clueless.

I close my eyes and slowly drift into a labored sleep. I don’t know how long

has it been. I could be sleep for hours. What time is it? And suddenly I

realize that my phone is ringing, which is why I woke up. 1:15am! Who the

heck is calling at this time? I don’t recognize this number. I’m too sleepy

man! I’ll call back in the morning.

I drift again.

And the phone rings again, pulling me out of Di’s arms in my dream.

Argh! What the-!

“Hello?” I’m in my CEO mode.

“What the-!” Familiar words, familiar voice.

“Khushi?” I ask. Wishful thinking may be.

“And people call me Sanka Devi! Why weren’t you picking up the phone?!”

She is almost screaming!

And suddenly, my whole body is alive. Was I really asleep a minute ago?

“What the-? Khushi I have been trying to reach you for days now!” I try to

be mad, but my voice is laced with happiness.

“Arnav ji,” She is also happy. I can tell from her voice. She’s out of breath.

“Khushi, how’s the wound? Please tell me you’ve not been taking

Tramadol? Why weren’t you receiving my call? You know I don’t like that!

Khushi, does it still hurt?” I shower her with questions and she silently

listens.

“Stop asking me all these lame questions! Ask me the important question.”

She says.

“Did you fall headfirst as a baby?” I ask her. I’m sitting on my bed,

clutching the phone with both my hands and breathing hard.

“Arnav ji! Ask me where I am!”

“Where?” Okay she has me worried. I’m so far from her. What if she’s in

danger? I get up from the bed and for some reason start to look for some

presentable shirt to wear. Totally pointless I know.

“Rome.”

“WHAT!?” She’s here! She’s in Italy! In my city! Rome! She’s here!

“Yes.”

“WHERE EXACTLY?” I’m done with the shirt and now I’m tying my shoe

laces.

“Air port.”

I’m out of the apartment now and waiting for the elevator. Hastily, I’m

punching all the buttons.

“Who are you with?” Di can’t be here. I just talked to her earlier today…

“Ummmm” She hesitates.

Holy crap!

“Help me God! Khushi, are you here alone???” I’m horrified.

“Yes.”

“You- Are- Wha- Khush-! SANKA DEVI!” I struggle for words.

“Tell me you are coming to me.” She innocently asks. That’s the voice I’ll

jump off of a cliff for!

“Too obvious” My car engine roars to life and I’m driving as fast as I can. I

don’t want a ticket today… Just, I want to see her!

“Stay with me on the phone, Khushi.” I tell her.

“Yes. Yes. Yes” She’s panicking.

“I’ll be there. Two minutes. Roads are clean.” I tell her.

“I’ve missed you. This voice…” She’s in tears. I sense them.

“Khushi, just stop. Tell me what gate number?” I have to distract her.

“Five.”

“That’s nice. It’s the closest from here.”

“Are you here?” She asks.

“So impatient, Mrs. Raizada. I’ll take another minute.” I joke.

My God! My body is a live wire right now.

“Always impatient to see you, Mr. Raizada.” She chuckles.

“Wait.” I take the phone off from my ear and run towards the security.

They check me and then let me in.

Gate 5, Gate 5, Gate 5… I’m running and chanting this to myself…

There!

Oh God! I didn’t realize I was holding my breath. I sigh.

I see her. Holding two bags, wearing pink. Looking just as pretty and

horrified. She’s looking somewhere else. Her eyes scrutinizing the crowd,

looking for me. I pull my phone out and disconnect the line.

I see her expressions change, her nose go red and her eyes fill up.

I run towards her and stop just an inch from her. She’s looking away, I’m

facing her back.

“Whenever you go to do something right…” I say.

She turns her face to me and smiles with the tears flowing effortlessly

“This thing or that goes wrong.” She completes my sentence with a smile.

I take her face in both of my hands and claim her lips. Her hands fist in the

hair at the nape of neck as she succumbs.

I pour every emotion, every tension, every unsaid word into that kiss. And I

see her mirroring me.

“You are unbelievable!” I break in from the kiss and hug her.

“Did I mention, I’ve missed you?” She says.

I nod.

Chapter 13: “Between Consciousness And Slumber”

Do I tell him that it hurts? I am happy to see him. And I can see that he is

happy too. But my face hurts and he is holding me too tight.

He groans and his hands travel to my neck. His breathing is harsh and so is

mine. His face is inches away from mine and his eyes are closed.

“You seem to be pleased to see him” My voice is barely a whisper.

He smiles, his eyes are still closed. His hand cups my face then.

“Beyond words”

I smile. But his hand is still on my wound. I frown.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“Nothing. Why?” I love him.

“Maybe this little V… right here.” He touches to center of my brows with

his index finger. “It’s soft.”

“Really, nothing.” Why hurt him? I’ve not set eyes on him in months.

“What is making you frown, Khushi?” He steps a few inches back and

suddenly he’s all bossy and CEO’ish.

“Your hand. My wound.” I simply tell him.

“Oh!” His pupils dilate. And he slowly tilts my chin to examine the wound

and then shuts his eyes as if in pain.

“It doesn’t hurt… As long as no one’s touching it.” I smile.

He nods in disappointment.

“Careful next time in the kitchen please?” He asks in the tone that sets me

on fire. I’m burning with love, for this beautiful, passionate man. My

husband, my man.

“Agreed.” I reply. Definitely careful next time. In kitchen… parties…

offices. How could Mr. Sharma stoop so low? Do I tell him what actually

happened? Let’s see what happens… May be I should. But I know how that

will go. He leaves work here. Burns with rage. Messes up work here. Comes

back. Hits him. Do I want that? A part of me does. A strong, selfish part

does. He’ll come back! What more can a wife want? But then, it’s not right.

Telling him would be selfish.

My train of thought derails as he takes my hand and kisses my knuckles.

Both of them one by one. And I smile. All worries forgotten.

“Where’s your lugguage?” He asks.

“Here.” I walk to the security counter and he takes my bags.

“I can carry these you see.” I smile.

“I know.” It’s all he says.

We walk out from the airport and I see beautiful, wide roads with flashy

expensive cars. Woah! This is quite a sight.

“I like Italy.” I smile at Arnav ji.

And he seems to agree too. He doesn’t say anything but smiles.

He walks me to a black car. It’s classy and expensive. And very impressive.

He puts the baggage in the trunk of the car and then opens the door for me. I

sit in the car and smile at the memories.

In a few seconds he has taken the wheel and we are on the road.

“What is so amusing?” He asks.

I smile again.

“You opened the door for me. Practically ran to come get me. And then did

that at the airport…” I blush as I complete the sentence.

“So?” He seems confused.

“I’m not sure if that’s the man I married.” I smirk.

“That man did not give you much choice.” His eyes are on the road and his

face is unreadable.

Hey Daivi Maiyyan! Did I cross the line? He is very touchy about this

subject.

“That man kept me waiting at the altar for hours!” I pinch his cheeks and he

smiles.

“Give the poor man a break, Khushi! He had an accident.” He smirks.

How hard was that time. Waiting for him, knowing that he would show up

but still having doubts. Hoping that he shows up and convincing Bua ji and

Jiji that he will. Watching the guests leave, the fire die… It was agonizing.

Even the memory of it is… uncomfortable.

“I love you, Khushi.” He says. I sometimes think that he has some ability to

read my mind.

“I know.” Lump in my throat. It’s all I can say…

“You do?” He asks.

“Who wouldn’t? You open doors, run miles and…”

He smiles. I’m pretty sure my nose is pink. Or may be crimson!

“About that… Trust me, the irony is not lost on me.” He flashes my favorite

smile.

“From ‘Get Out, Khushi’ to… whatever you just said.” I smile and blush.

And I think I’m combusting.

“What did I just say?” He teases. He is looking at me with ‘that’ look. I

don’t know where to hide.

“Eyes on the road.” I try to scold him. I try and I fail; miserably.

“Sanka Devi.” He whispers. I think he said that.

The rest of the journey we spend in quietness. He doesn’t say anything. I

keep waiting for him to ask me questions. Why I’m here and all. He has still

not remembered that tomorrow is my birthday. Well technically tomorrow.

It’s about 2 at night here. 22 hours to go… Yes, I still get excited for my

birthday :D

We reach home after a considerable period of time.

“Here.” He stops the car at the gate and all I see is a huge building. 20 floors

or so of windows. Dark rectangular boxes…

The guard nods and let us go. Arnav ji parks the car in the basement garage

and then jumps out of the car. Opens my door and takes my hand.

“My bags?” I have bought him stuff! I can’t just leave the bags in the car!

“I’ll have someone get those.”

“Oh.”

He marches to the elevator still holding my hand and punches some numbers

there on the machine reception.

We step in the elevator together and I am holding his arm… I’m scared of

elevators. I always feel I’ll get stuck.

Arnav ji smiles as he looks at me digging my fingers in his skin at his

forearm. He is still holding my arm.

As the elevator starts a cold shiver takes over me. He frees his arm from my

assault and takes me in his arms for a warm hug. This time careful that he’s

not touching my face.

“Better?” He asks.

I nod. I can’t speak.

“Do you feel it too?” He asks. His voice husky…

“The tickly feeling in my feet? YES!” I almost scream.

He sighs.

“No. The electricity. The pull…” Only then I get to know what he’s talking

about. Yes. I feel it too. The urge. The need. The mystical energy that is

pushing me to him.

“Yes.” My voice is… different.

He puts his warm hand on my other cheek and stares in my eyes. And I stare

right back. I see a spectrum of emotions… Too many emotions.

I find myself moving towards him. I rest my forehead against his and try to

control myself. I have known him for a while… But never have I

encountered such feelings… What is happening? Is it because we have been

away for months? That has never happened before.

My heartbeat is accelerating and I find him mirroring each of my feeling.

His heartbeat must be going crazy too. Our heartbeats… are becoming one.

The moment stretches for a while and the elevator halts to a stop. The spell

breaks and I take a step back.

“Come.” He takes my hand again and we walk to the first door on the right.

He pushes some more numbers again and he opens the door. He gestures me

to step in and I willingly do, with a smile.

Daivi Miayyan! Who would’ve known!? That little door leads to such a big

room? No it’s not a room. It’s a flat may be? No. This looks so… royal! Its

huge! A stair case, a pool, a humungous living room and ummm I see 4

more doors. Rooms?

I shoot him a glance. Such extravaganza? Chandeliers! Crystals! Carved

walls! Leather sofas! Textured wooden floor! It’s… too much to fit in my

eyes…

He clears his throat. “This is my apartment”

I am speechless right now.

A man appears from… I don’t know where!

“Sir, we have guests?” He asks Arnav ji.

“Yes… But no. Go back to bed. We don’t need anything.”

He smiles “Very well, Sir.”

“A very humble place you have here.” I am stunned.

“And a very lonely place.” He adds.

I turn around and hug him. I put my good cheek on his chest and hear his

heart.

“Shantivan is the same without you too.” I assure him.

He smiles and shows me the house.

“I need to use the washroom” I part, leaving him in the balcony. The view is

calm and warm.

After two minutes I come back only to find him sleeping on the chair there. I

find a sheet in the red bedroom and spread it over him. And I doze off

peacefully in the chair right next to him.

It is cold. The chair is uncomfortable. And it is too loud. But even as I sleep,

I know that I have not slept as sound in months.

_____________________________________

Halwa? Check. Sugar free

Pooris? Check.

Vegetable curry? Check.

Parathas? Check.

What’s left?

“Ma’am are you sure you don’t need the staff?” Some old woman asks me.

She must be around 55… 60 maximum. I just came last night. I have no idea

how many people are living in this mansion looking house!

“Yes. Thank you.” I smile.

“Okay” She smiles back and turns to leave.

“Oh. Ummmm, listen” I summon her. But I don’t know her name.

“Yes ma’am?”

“What’s your name?” I ask.

“Its Julia. Julia Robinson”

“Julia, take a day off. All of you…” Since I’m here, who needs the kitchen

people and the others…

“Ma’am, that might not be possible. We have strict instructions.” She

shrugs.

“We…?”

“I’m on the kitchen duty, Nick is on the cleaning and of course, Ted leads

the security.” Ted ‘leads’ the security? What? Is there an army or

something?

“That’s… nice. Well I’m sure Arnav ji won’t mind. Just one day.” I’m here.

I don’t need them.

“That’s very considerate of you, Ma’am…” She hesitates.

Oh right. She has instructions. The ASR instructions. I roll my eyes. And

she has been hired by him. Of course she will only take orders from him.

“Well, thank you, Julia. You have stocked up the pantry really well. I found

everything I needed.”

She smiles. But doesn’t make a move to leave.

“That’d be all.” I smile. And she leaves. Woah!

Arnav ji is still sleeping. In the same chair. It’s been roughly 9 hours. I am

setting up the table when warm masculine arms encase me from behind. I

recognize his scent.

“Hey.” Arnav ji greets.

“Sleepy CEO wakes up! Finally!”

He drops a chaste kiss on my ear lobe and I blush.

“The CEO had to. He has to work for a living.” I can bet he’s smirking!

“Oh yes?” I turn and see that he has dressed up in a black suit. He looks

mighty fine!

“I see you made breakfast…” He says in a conversational tone.

“And I see you have dressed up.”

“A living to earn.” He shrugs.

“Expectations to meet.” I answer his breakfast question.

He smiles and takes my hand.

“Come.” I am flattered by all these unexpected gestures. Unexpected? Or

may be forgotten? It’s been months. And trust me it feels like decades.

“What are you thinking?” He asks absentmindedly as he pulls the chair and

unfolds the napkins.

“Decades” The word slips out from my mouth. Woah! That was weird!

“What?” He shoots me a glance.

“Decades! You will not have eaten such good food in decades!” I come up

with this? Is this all I can manage? Sometimes I disappoint myself.

His lips slowly curve upwards slowly. And I see that he is suppressing a

smile.

“Sanka Devi.” He comments.

He smells the food and closes his eyes. Taking in the aroma. What is he

doing? He catches me staring at him. Oops!

“Well, it’s been a while I have had Indian food. Let alone smelt it!” He

shrugs apologetically.

My heart sinks at his confession. In all the moments that I have spent

missing him, he was the one who was consumed. I have missed him. Only

him. And he? He has missed the family, the city, the house and even the

food! I can see that.

He serves me the food first and then fills his plate.

The entire time on the table he sits quietly and eats. This is the most I have

seen him eat. Ever. I am resting my face on both of my fisted hands and

seeing him chew. After a good long period, he gets up. Cleans his hands and

clears his throat.

“Done.” He announces.

He looks like a child to me sometimes. Pure and innocent. I really wish his

childhood wasn’t as hard as it was. Deep down he is still an adolescent

emotionally. He was forced to grow up too soon.

I give him a soft smile.

“I need to go to the office. It’ll only be a couple of hours. I’ll try to come

back the soonest I can manage.” He bends down and plants a quick kiss on

my lips.

“Sure.” I blush.

“Thanks.” He disappears somewhere then and reappears after a few minutes

and I start to collect the dishes. My plate is untouched and somehow I’m not

hungry. I feel full. On all levels.

“Going.” He says.

He has the same briefcase.

“I’ll see you off.”

“That won’t be necessary. I have security with me.” He smiles.

Woah. My king and his kingly life.

“Oh.” His life has changed a lot.

I walk him to the door and as we walk, he’s constantly texting.

I open the door for him and he finally puts his phone in his pocket.

“Listen. Julia does the kitchen, okay? Let her do what she’s here for. I don’t

want another wound on you. Anything else, just ask Nick. DON’T hurt

yourself again. And this is not a request.” He brushes his knuckles against

my wounded cheek.

“Go to bed please.” He kisses my forehead.

Wow. He’s unexpectedly romantic this morning. I’m pretty sure I’m

blushing crimson right now.

“I will.”

A tall man joins us on the door. He is wearing a dark suit. His tie is too

perfect.

“Khushi, meet Ted. He heads the security.” Oh! No wonder he’s so business

like.

“Mrs. Raizada.” He greets.

I nod.

He leaves. I have nothing to do I realized.

I decide I need to know the place better, so I go exploring it.

There are rooms after rooms. Each one prettier than the one I saw before.

There’s even a library. There’s no way Arnav ji collected all these books in

three months…

I don’t know when I fall asleep.

Where am I? India? Shantivan or Bua ji’s place? Wait, it’s Rome. The room

is cozy and smells of books. Oh! His library. I wake up slowly, having no

remote idea of time. What time is it?

“A little after seven.” A voice says.

His voice. How does he know what I was thinking?

“Ummm” I’m still confused. Seven in the morning?

“Evening.” His ability to answer my thoughts!

“I was just… Library and I don’t… I slept.” I know that I sound like a total

douche. My speech is slurred and my vision is blurred. This feels like a

hangover. Probably worse.

“Jetlag.” Arnav ji smiles.

“Whatever that is.” I adjust my dupatta and run fingers through my hair. Oh

God! Dreadful bed hair!

How long have I been sleeping? Wait! How long has he been watching me

sleep?

He is sitting casually on the couch. His tie loosened and his coat removed

and put just next to the couch. In his hand I see a glass. Almost like he was

watching a movie!

“How long have you been… here?” I ask.

“I could watch you sleep forever, Khushi. But right now, just over about five

minutes.” He answers as he glances at his wrist watch.

“You seem to have enjoyed…A lot.” I’m shy suddenly. Of my husband!

“That I did. It’s easier when you’re asleep. You’re quiet.” He smiles and sips

from the glass whatever that is that he’s drinking.

I smile with glee internally. May be not much has changed.

I wrestle with my sleeping limbs to get up when he puts his glass aside and

gracefully marches towards me.

“Do I need to carry you?” He asks.

No way!

“I’m good.” I can walk!

“Nick called me at office today.” He starts.

“So?”

“He told me that you were missing.”

What? Never knew I could cause trouble even when I’m asleep!

“I, I felt as if someone had pulled the ground from under my feet. I had been

texting you but you weren’t answering so I assumed that you have slept. But

after that call, my imagination went wild. I mean, it’s a new city and you

don’t know it well, so…”

He is upset.

“About thirty seconds later, he called again. Telling me that he has found

you sleeping in the library.” He pauses.

“Then?” I ask impatiently.

“Well, I’m not exactly famous for controlling my temper.” He shrugs.

“Oh please!” Stop traumatizing people, Arnav ji!

“I told him to let you sleep exactly the same way. I didn’t want to wake you

up.” He smiles. That childlike smile…

My man! He’s just so… full of love. I reach out to caress his face and run

my index finger just below his lower lip.

“Sometimes, what comes out of this is really really sweet.”

He smiles.

“The least I could do for you. Specially after yesterday. You came to Italy.

For me.” He says it almost like he doesn’t believe it.

“You’d rather I didn’t?” I ask.

He rolls his eyes and looks at me like he’s about to scold me.

“It was just very surprising.” He answers. And almost immediately, adds

“Pleasantly” to his sentence.

“I’m glad I came.” I assure him.

“I am, too. But then it was a long long journey…”

“You’re a very good reason to fly those thousand miles.” Does he not know?

He deserves all this love? And probably more?

He smiles.

I hug him then. And we are lost in each other.

And somewhere between consciousness and slumber I realize how strong we

are. We survived misconceptions, villains, kidnappers, ex-girlfriends,

accidents, surgeries… We fought against it all. And most importantly; Ego.

Chapter 14: “Melancholy From Sadness”

“Hey! Di” I am trying so bad to hide the smile in my voice!

“Hello, Chote. Very happy today?” She teases.

“Come on, Di! You should’ve told me that she’s coming to me. All that

worry…” I remember this past week. Torture it was!

“You’re lucky, Chote. You have someone who lives to love you. Cherish

her. Always.”

Oh I fully intend to, Di. Trust me I do. Her passion drives me insane. Her

ability to love recklessly, to sacrifice, to give… Her spirit is a bed in which

my loneliness soundly sleeps.

“I need to hang up, Di. Just call when Aarav returns from school.”

“That, I will.” She promises.

Okay so I need to wind things up early today. Khushi is here and I need to

spend lots of time with her. God! This woman sleeps so much! Jet lag. I

know. But it’s kind of frustrating. I’m seeing her after so long and now that

she’s here, she’s sleeping. But I feel better. I feel more sane and in control,

just by her presence.

She’s sleeping even now. I glance at my wrist watch, Oh dear, dear Lord! I

have a breakfast meeting this morning. In an hour! Okay. She needs to wake

up now. I will wake her up and we could have breakfast together may be?

So I softly walk to my bedroom. Slide out of my slippers and open the door.

She soundly asleep, hugging the pillow and her hair are spread on the sheet

like black ink on white blank sheet. I walk to the bed with painfully slow

speed and sit down on the floor on my knees. I’m staring at her closed

eyelids and her steady and rhythmic breathing.

I let out a defeated sigh. I don’t have the heart in me to wake her up.

I repeat my burglar sneaking and step out of the room.

“No one enters that part of the house, okay? Let her sleep. When she wakes,

serve her some breakfast. And call me when she wakes up. Right away.

Okay?” I issue rapid fire instructions to Nick.

“Sir.” He nods.

Time to leave. May be I can take her to my office later today? That is of

course, if she wakes up early.

The rest of the day is going to be a drag. One step in my office and there’s

this flood of pending works to do. I have two back to back meetings with the

head of Seattle Network and Rodger Bro’s. Some development finally on the

housing scheme and I guess that in a few good months, we’d be ready to

roll. Finally feels good.

I have been waiting to hear from Khushi and have also been checking my

phone every couple of minutes. But maybe she’s still sleeping.

Wait! It’s 4 in the evening and she’s still sleeping? Woah!

I pull my phone out and punch the speed dial to Nick’s.

“Arnav Singh Raizada”

“Good Evening, Sir.”

“Remind me of what I said in the morning?” I’m mad at him? I don’t know.

“Sir, I was told that I should call you as soon as Mrs.Raizada wakes up.” He

obliges.

“I don’t recall receiving your call.”

“I beg your pardon, Sir. But Mrs.Raizada is still sleeping.”

“Okay.” And I disconnect the call.

What the!? She’s still sleeping?! She could’ve slipped into a comma!

I dial another number.

“Julia. Arnav Singh Raizada.”

“Good Evening, Mr.Raizada.”

“Put Mrs.Raizada on the phone please?” I am curious now.

“Very well, Sir. I’ll wake her up right away.”

What!?

“No. That’s fine. Let her sleep.”

What the hell is happening?

I wind up the paperwork and decide that I’m going back home.

I call Ted.

“Ted, apartment, 5 minutes. Meet me at the car.”

I walk to the car and silently sit. I’m staring into oblivion as my phone rings.

It’s from… Khushi.

“Hello.” I breathe.

“Hi.”

“Looks like you woke up.”

“Appears to me so…” It’s so good to hear her voice.

“How are you?”

“Better than I deserve. You?” And I hear a smile in her voice.

“Impatient. See you in a few minutes.” But I don’t hang up.

“Great. Okay, Listen?”

“Yes?”

“Could you do me a favor?” She belittles her voice.

Ahan? What is cooking in her mind?

“Let me see what I can do. What is it?” I won’t make any promises woman.

Tell me what it is first.

“Since you are apparently just a few minutes away. Can you please, please

give the staff at home a couple of hours off?”

What?

“Why?”

“Do this please. You know, I just want to spend some time alone with you.”

She must be saying that with her red nose!

“Okay. Put Julia on phone.” She asks so sweetly. How do I turn it down?

“Thank you!” She beams.

A few seconds of silence followed by Julia’s voice.

“Julia, take the staff with you to some good restaurant for the evening. Ted,

will drive you all. Don’t take too long. 3 hours is fine.”

“Very well, Sir.” She replies smiling.

“The entire staff. Okay? I will pay.” I disconnect the call.

“Ted, please take the evening off.” I call out.

“Thank you, Sir.”

_______________________________________

The staff is all ready in glam clothes waiting for Ted when we park in the

lot. They are all smiles. I hand them some money for food and remind them

that I expect them to be back by 7:30.

I take the elevator. And reach the apartment. The guard is still there. Good.

I enter the house.

“Khushi?” I call out.

“Stay where you are! I’ll come to you. Stay!” The house smells of flowers

and Indian food. Oh!

“Okay.” I’m exited!

A few heartbeats later, she shows up. She’s wearing a peach frock which

seems… familiar. Her face is pink and goes so well with that peach!

“What are you doing?” I ask her. Clueless. But I guess I know what she is

doing. The more apt of a question would be why is she doing this?

“I have to say something. Don’t interrupt! I’ve been rehearsing.”

Rehearsing!? Rehearsing what she has to say to me? Bless your logic Bua ji.

She really is Sanka Devi!

“Okay.” I fold my arms around her and close my eyes. I soak in the scent of

her hair, the fragrance of our union and let go.

“Go on. I’m all ears for your speech.” I encourage.

She takes my briefcase from my hand and puts it aside. Then marches a few

steps back and clears her throat.

Oh God! This really is going to be a speech!

“Arnav ji, my lawful husband… I don’t know for how long I have loved

you. There was no exact moment when I fell in love with you. When I found

out about the intensity of my feelings for you, I was already in the middle of

it. I had fallen for you long ago. When? I don’t know. May be when you

dropped that Mannat Key. Or maybe when I fell in your arms at that fashion

show? I don’t know. It could be when you let me fall from the terrace or

when you came to that construction site to save me. May be it was the look

in your eyes when you pulled the broken bangle out from under my skin that

night or when you hugged me in the rain. There is just so much… And

today, here we are. Together as a couple. Husband and wife. But what is it

Arnav ji? A love marriage? An arranged one? What should I call this? What

shall I name this love?”

She looks expectantly at me and I stare back. Did she really say all that?

“Nothing has been normal between us, Arnav ji. Even this is not normal.

Two people, so different, yet together. We have been married for almost one

and a half years and we have two kids. One who is almost nine! What is

normal? So today…” She holds my hand and continues…

“Today, I’m celebrating my own birthday and surprising you. Not normal I

know but you know what? I’m not even sorry.”

She continues. Goes on and on and all I hear is that today is her birthday.

Not only I had forgotten, but also unknowingly I had broken my promise to

celebrate her birthday. And here she is, smile in her eyes, love her voice and

innocence in her gestures that she is celebrating her own birthday!

“I’m not sorry that I met you. I’m not sorry that knowing you has made me

question everything. I’m not sorry that I married you for six months and also

not sorry that… that I love you.”

Oh, Khushi.

“Come here.” I want to just hug her right now. And slap myself for

forgetting her birthday.

She gestures me to stop and I halt.

“I love you. And I’m not fooled by the mistakes you’ve made or the dark

images you hold about yourself. Because you remember my beauty when I

feel ugly; my wholeness when I’m broken. So it’s only fair that I remember

your innocence when you feel guilty and your purpose when you’re

confused. Because you are… my life.”

I stand still. Shocked; surprised. Bewildered; mesmerized.

She shifts a little.

“You know, you can hug me now.” She smiles shyly.

Oh dear!

I quickly take her in my arms and bury my head in her hair. I kiss her

shoulders as tears dwell in my eyes. How am I this loved? How can she love

me after all I’ve done? I don’t deserve her love but she loves me anyway.

My guardian angel seems to be working overtime. And somehow, I know

that this woman whom I hold in my arms right now has been sent down

from heaven by my mother for me.

“I’m so sorry I forgot your birthday.” I whisper as I squeeze in tighter.

“It’s okay…” She breathes.

How she forgives me for everything.

“Khushi… I…” I hesitate.

“I know, Arnav ji.” She replies.

“No. Just let me say it. I… I love you, Khushi. And I will always love you.

You have filled my life with so many colors and you’ve given me a

direction. You’ve… taught me how to distinguish melancholy from

sadness.” This is all I have to say.

I let her go and she puts her head on my chest.

“Happy Birthday, Khushi.” I place a kiss on her soft lips. And she blushes.

“Thank you.”

“That was a very nice speech.” I smile.

“It was fine” She smiles back.

“Okay so… If there’s no food, I’m leaving!” I joke.

She smiles. “There’s plenty. Come.” She takes my hand and leads me to the

dining hall.

“I have not used this room, ever.” I comment.

“Me too.” She smiles.

And there on the table, is a small cake and lots of covered dishes.

Chocolate cake!

“You made this?!” I am shocked.

“No. Julia did.” She looks embarrassed.

Oh.

“Okay. The other dishes? Smells great in here!” I try to cheer her up.

“Everything else, I made!” She beams.

I remove the covers and see a healthy Indian course. Wow.

“So… How’s your job at Mr.Sharma’s?” I try to make a conversation.

For some reason, color drops from her face.

“It’s going good.” She smiles.

Nice.

“How’s your work?” She asks.

“Okay’ish…” I shrug.

__________________________________

“Khushi? How long are you staying?” I’m curious.

“Tired of me already?” She asks with a wink.

“Shut up, Khushi.” I roll my eyes.

“ Wednesday.” She sadly says.

Wait, WHAT!?

“What!? That’s the day after tomorrow!” She’s gotta be kidding me! There’s

no way in hell she’s serious!

“Yeah.”

“But… That’s too soon!” I protest.

“I’m a mother Arnav ji. My kids need me there.” She replies.

Oh yes! And I don’t? Why is she doing this?

“I’ll get you another ticket for some other day. Not just Wednesday!” I’m so

mad right now!

“What difference will a few days make?” She defenselessly asks.

“We’re not having this conversation right now, Khushi.” I flip off the lamps

and call it a night.

Chapter: 15 “A Lost Puppy”

Dear Pinky:-

This trip to Rome has been bitter sweet. The reason to come here was the

sweetest. His reaction was even sweeter. The surprise birthday party I threw

to myself will be among the best decisions I’ve made… Ever.

But then it was our life. Arnav ji and mine. We had a fight too. He wants me

to stay here, join his company and just… be together. But I am a mother. He

has usually been understanding this quite well but I don’t know what is

eating him up. He is being this stranger, this person that I barely even

recognize.

Each and every word of his rings clearly in my mind. It has been two quiet

days. Two quiet, lonely and sad days. My flight was due two days back. But

I just didn’t have it in me to leave him like that. I tried to cheer him up but I

don’t know why he’s being the way he’s being.

The fight was intense but slow. There was no screaming or yelling from

either side but it was poisonous.

Putting that all behind, I go again to cheer him up.

“I brought you a suit. This time your size!” I tried to sound as exited for this

as I had been almost a week back. But all I got was a dead nodding

expression. And that was not very encouraging.

“Thank you, Khushi.” He faked a smile and put aside the suit.

“Aren’t you going to try it?” I try again, if there is any chance we can call it

to quits, I have to try.

“I will. Just not now. I’m busy.” He absentmindedly moves the cursor on the

laptop screen from here to there and then again from here to absolutely

nowhere.

“Why are you doing this?” My voice is barely eligible to pass as hearable.

“Doing what?” He is still not looking at me.

“Doing this!” I raise my voice a little and shut his laptop.

“What?” He is angry again. But I can not sit down afraid like a sturdy cat.

We have to get through this!

“Okay, so we had an argument. We have different opinions and we want

different things. How is this not solvable? Talk with me.” I explain.

“Let’s just not start again.” He dismisses me and opens the laptop back.

I shut it back down as soon as I see him opening it.

“Okay so you wanna talk? Let’s talk!” He yells.

But somehow, I’m relieved. He is talking. And that is a victory.

“You said we had an argument. Grow up, Khushi! That was a fight! Stop

trying to fool your mind to look at things the way you want to look at them!”

“Okay, we had a fight. Happy?” I quietly ask.

“Happy? I am anything but happy, Khushi! Don’t you freaking see it? I

wanted a life with you! I married you for crying out loud! And now you tell

me that we want different things!” He exhales out a loud breath.

I’m taken a back. What does he mean by all that? If he married me then

simultaneously I also married him!

“We disagreed a little so I thought that putting it like that would be… fine.”

I struggle for words.

“Khushi, you are my wife aren’t you?” He asks. Still as mad and furious.

“I am. A very happy wife.” I let the true words out.

“Stop! Please stop! Just answer plainly what I ask.” He runs his fingers

through his hair. God! This is the maddest I have seen him. But who is he

mad at?

I did! I did answer what he asked! What does he want?

“You are my wife. How much time do we spend together?” He asks. He is

standing by the window and he has the curtain fisted in his hands.

“A few phone calls.” I understand now. This is about me not giving him

enough time.

“A ‘few’? He glares at me.

“One.” I correct myself.

“One? Daily?” He asks again.

“One. Usually.” I am on the verge on crying. He is being so cold.

“Right.” He seems to be done with the questionnaire.

“Arnav ji. I’m a mother. As tempting as your offer to come here is, I can’t be

selfish.” How do I make him see? Aarav is there. His school! His friends.

How do I ask him to come here leaving all his friends after the severe

abandonment issues he has been through? And Arshi? Di needs Arshi. Di

has never been better. She is happy. Content. How do I take away Arshi

from Di?

“You’re not ‘a’ mother, Khushi. You are ‘only’ a mother! You have no

concern with what I do, where I go, to hell even!” He says in a single breath.

His face is red. Must feel very warm with all the blood rushing to his head.

How did he just say that? He… I’m only a mother? How many women get

accused of that? Being a bad mother was a bad thing as far as I remember.

Now caring for my children is?

“And selfish? You talk about that? Khushi, you better not try to use that as a

shield. Staying there and not thinking about me, what is that? Not selfish!

Definitely not! Sure setting up here is a challenge and all. And it will be

hard. But as you are not selfish… The point is moot.” He is whispering now.

But I hear his words clearly. I let his voice split my heart heartlessly.

How do I respond to what he just said? And even if I somehow find a way to

respond to that, how do I make him change his mind? Does this have

anything to do with Arnav ji’s past? How his mother chose his father over

him? But every time he has talked to me about his mother, the words have

been so kind. What is it then?

I stand there with a pit in my stomach and I think there is no ground under

my feet. My head is spinning and I have no idea of where the conversation is

going.

Minutes pass and I am still standing there. Waiting for him to come hug me.

Wishful thinking may be… I want him to take back his words. What good

that will do? I don’t know.

“Anything else you have to say?” He asks. His voice is calm but I can tell

that the storm has yet not passed. And I better not do anything to instigate it.

Why am I standing here?

“Yes. My flight leaves at five in the morning… Tomorrow.” I’m hoping this

might change his mood. May be he realizes that we only have so much time

left to us and he stops fighting. But there he is. Outrageous again. He tugs on

the curtains hard till one of the batch falls freely to his feet.

“Oh yes. You know what? Go. Just go right now. Go back to India right

now!” He yells and strides towards me. His face is inches from mine and I

can feel the heat radiating from his boiling blood.

“Now?” I ask.

“Yes right now! I’ll have Julia help you pack.” He whispers but his voice is

scary. Deadly!

“What will I do?” I must stop the tears that threaten to come out any second.

I look away.

“Be a mother, Khushi. Go and be a mother!” He leaves the room banging the

door that almost seizes my heartbeat.

“Julia! Help Khushi pack! She’s leaving!” He calls out as soon as he leaves

the room. And suddenly I’m all alone. I feel like a stranger here. A lost

puppy.

_____________________________

It took me a little over twenty minutes, lots of courage, countless tears and

heartache to pack. I turned down Jules’ offer to help me. I can do this alone.

I can manage things alone. Without Julia and definitely without him!

I just need to keep moving. Keep doing something. Anything! Because when

and if I stop, his words are going to come back to haunt me. And I don’t

know if I could take the pain all over again…

So I need to keep thinking about something else.

So how do I do this? Call the airport to book me a flight early? Oh no. Not a

good idea. That would cost a fortune and right now, my fortune, my luck,

my fate and my guardian angels all seem to be soundly sleeping.

Suddenly I feel betrayed. How could he just ask me to leave? In a foreign

country? A country I know nothing about? To a country I only came to

please him? I feel anger pulsing and pouring and gushing in my veins.

Good! I need to use this anger to get things done!

I put on the upper and carry the two handbags in my arms. I pull the wheel

bag and dart out of the room.

Every instinct in my body yells at me to just run away from the house. Get

on to the plane, any plane! And just leave this place! This place doesn’t look

as appealing as it had looked to me when I first came here anymore.

I give Julia a little nod and smile at her for being so nice to me. She nods

back and drops her head. Oh, so she knows.

I hope your husband never turns you out of his house, dear Julia. I wish you

all the luck in the world.

As I walk closer and closer to the exit, I feel that I am not sorry. Still not

sorry that I met him and fell deliciously in love with him and made all those

choices. I just feel betrayed. I just feel… a little numb.

I grab the door knob twist it. Thinking I should bid him farewell. May be I

should go and say that I’m leaving. But right now, I’m a hundred percent

sure that he doesn’t deserve it.

I turn around call out to Julia.

“Julia, tell him that I’m leaving for India. And tell him… thank you.” My

heartaches to talk to him indirectly but that is just what it has become of us

now. My heart hurts more than the wound on my cheek ever did.

“Very well, Ma’am” She politely smiles and disappears.

I leave the house, feeling that I have accomplished nothing at all. This trip

was a decent idea, just not executed that well. May be all of it is my mistake.

All the time I felt betrayed back in India that he left us, maybe it was me

who was betraying him. But then, what could I have done? I am a mother.

Yes, our lives have changed. Especially after Arshi’s birth. Ever since she

was born, me and Arnav ji have been a little apart. But isn’t that just how it

works? Immersed in my thoughts I take the elevator.

The rhythmic movement of the elevator soothes me down a little. But I’m

still not willing to let my mind think about him. I idly wonder how I’m not

afraid of alleviators anymore. Rome has changed so much in me and around

me.

The movement stops and the doors of the elevator open and I step out,

struggling with my luggage. I put my handbags outside first and then turn

for the wheel bag. I pick it up with all my strength and then turn around to

put it out too. I turn and there he is. Standing in front of me, with my bags in

his hands. He is breathless. He must have taken the stairs.

I look at him with questioning eyes.

He says nothing. There is nothing on his face. No emotion; no guilt, no

pain… Nothing.

He says nothing. Just puts my bags in the elevator and takes my hand and

pulls me inside the elevator. I show no resistance too. Something tells me

this is it. This is probably the last I will see of him. If not the last, then

definitely closer to that. What if I never see him again for years? The

thought alone is painful.

The elevator thumps to movement again, this time upwards. We travel in

silence, only inches away from each other and alone.

As the elevator stops, he takes all my bags and waits for me to step out. I do

and he follows. We walk to his apartment when I ask “Why are you doing

this?”

He sighs.

“You can wait till tomorrow to be ‘the’ mother, can’t you?” He snaps. He is

not guilty! Not even close!

“I can leave right now…” I try again. I feel naked. I’m defenseless.

“I just saw! Khushi, just stop! You can leave tomorrow for all I care! Leave

and never look back. Just be the mother you’ve always wanted to be.” He

yells.

“And never look back, eh?” I ask. I have to be sure and certain of what he

means.

“Never.” He dismisses me once again. And leaves the hall. He goes to his

room and bangs the door hard.

It’s almost 9 in night and I have no one.

I am abandoned again.

I go to the other room, right across the hall, and get in the bed. I set up an

alarm for 3 in the morning and try to sleep. It’s going to be a long day

tomorrow. Potentially, a long life from now.

Chapter:

“Why did you leave, mom?” I can hardly speak as my throat swells with

unshed tears.

“Chote, I had to. You know what your father did. How could I stay?” She

smiles.

“You could’ve stayed. For me? For Di? But you didn’t.” Has she been

looking at us all this time? Seeing how miserable our lives had turned?

“I died the day your father crossed the line, Chote. I would’ve made things

worse by staying.” She is still smiling.

“So, father meant more to you than we did?” I innocently ask.

“I wish you could see how things work, Chote. I love you both dearly.

But…” She leaves the answer stranded.

“But you loved him more.” I complete her sentence.

She shrugged. Somehow, these words when coming out of her mouth hurt

me more. I have known this the entire time. She loved that heartless man

more than she loved me. She chose that man over me.

Vague patterns blur into sharp colors. And the view stirs, I open my eyes

wide open. I am covered in sweat and all alone in bed. Where is Khushi? I

begin to franticly search for her in dark on the bed. And then the last night

returns to me. The fight, her attempt to leave, my insane behavior… I had

asked her to walk out. Can I sink any lower? Can anyone sink any lower? I

glance at my watch, it’s almost 3 in the morning. Khushi’s flight is in two

hours.

I hate to watch her leave. Hate to see how she too, chooses someone else

over me. But that is just how it is, I guess. It is how it is fated. I have to dress

up quick. I want to drop her to the airport. If going back to the kids is what

she wants, I’m not going to stop her.

As I open the door of my room, I see her coming out from the room across

the hall. She looks tired and week. Almost as if she had aged a decade over

last night. Seeing her like this feels odd, I feel a deep pang of guilty in my

stomach. But the fact that she loves someone else more than she has ever

loved me, offers a lot of warmth.

I walk over to her and take the bags from her. And in minutes we are in the

elevator. After another silent ride, we reach the airport. We stand in the

waiting area silently and I can’t help but remember how we were all hugs

and love right here, just over a week ago. I love her. I love her more than I

love anything else. And I will always love her, even if she chooses others

over me.

The announcement calls her name out and she collects her bags to leave.

And in seconds, she is out of sight. Gone.

I realize how alone I feel. This is the loneliest I have felt after mom’s

demise. Khushi was the cure to everything. And now, she too is gone.

I turn on my heels to leave when I remember how Khushi had slipped notes

in my pockets when I was leaving. Wishing, I inspect my pockets but only to

feel heartbroken.

Why does this feel so bad? I mean, I asked her leave, didn’t I?

“Arnav ji?” her voice startles me. It comes from behind me.

I turn to see her standing still.

“Call me old fashioned, but I believe farewell is best when bid in person.”

She smiles.

Oh my dear, dear wife!

I leap and hug her. She puts her arms around me and silently sobs.

“I love you, Khushi.” She shifts in my arms.

“How I wish that was enough.” She fishes out of my arms.

She leans closer and kisses my cheek.

I fish my pockets and find a handkerchief. I hand it to her. She smiles and

takes it. She wipes her tears with it and comes a little closer. She puts her

hand on my cheek and breathes “I love you.” And then again.

“I love you.” She sighs and turns on her heels once again. She takes a few

steps and then comes back again.

“I should return you the handkerchief.” She holds the handkerchief in her

right hand and extends it to me.

I suddenly realize what she’s doing. She is breaking all ties. She wants none

of me. Why else would she return me the handkerchief? It aches. It hurts but

may be this is for the best. She can concentrate now on her kids. I don’t want

to be a liability anyways.

“Keep the handkerchief, with my best wishes.”

But what will she do? She hardly has any money. And knowing her to the

moon and back, she will never take a penny from me. Specially not after

what has become of us...

I pull out my wallet and put it in her hands and fist them.

She is quick in her reaction. She almost suddenly opens her fist and puts the

wallet back in my hand. And just like that, without any last word, she leaves.

I wait there for next twenty minutes, hoping she’d show up again but she

doesn’t.

What did she mean it isn’t enough? Love isn’t enough? Then what is?

____________________________

____________________________

Dear Pinky:-

Don’t! Just don’t think Khushi! Not about him or the fight or how he’s not

yours to have and to hold anymore… Focus on the kids, Khushi. Prove him

wrong by proving his accusations right. If that makes any sense… Pinky,

what happened to us? We were doing just fine… No! Don’t think, Khushi!

My flight lands in about ten minutes and just knowing that I am back in my

country has relieved me. I could’ve asked Lavanya ji or Nanhay ji to pick

me up but I didn’t want to. I have to learn to be independent now. I have to

look for a job now as well. I don’t want to work for Mr.Sharma again, not

after what he did. I just have to figure things out all by myself. Put all these

broken pieces and try to put together my life back again. Things will work

out. They have to. I will have my kids and I will make things work without

him, his memories and even without his money!

I take the rikshaw and pay him the little of what money I am left with.

_________________________

“Chamkili! God! You’re back! How are you?” Lavanya ji comes running

and embraces me in a hug.

I hug her and let the tears pour out. We just stand there holding each other

till I am done.

“Oh, Chamkili! I am happy to see you too.” She thinks that is why I am

crying… Good.

“I want to have a word with you, alone.” I whisper in her ear and that is

when she realizes something is offbeat.

She nods.

“Aarav and Arshi?” I ask. Arshi. Her name, half his and half mine. How apt

it seemed back then.

“Here.” Aarav exclaims. He comes running and hugs me. Him too.

I kiss his forehead and hug him.

“I missed you, young man!” I say through the tears.

“Me too” He smiles.

“Khushi ji!” Di enters the living room with Arshi in her arms.

I run to her and hug them both. How will I ever thank Di enough? She took

great care of my daughter.

I extend my arms, gesturing her to hand me my daughter. Di smiles and puts

Arshi in my arms who is reluctant.

My daughter barely even recognizes me! How long has it been? A week?

She forgot me in a week. Arshi is crying. This is the hardest I’ve seen her

cry, ever!

I put her back in Di’s arms and that calms her down… How things have

changed so much in the week that passed…

“Where’s Jiji? Nani ji and Mami ji?” I ask, changing the subject.

“Mandir. Men in office.” Di smiles.

“Mom, I am going to my friend’s house two blocks away. Unpack the gifts

you brought for me” He winks and I wave him good bye.

“Let me put Arshi to bed.” Di smiles and she disappears.

“Chamkili!” Lavanya ji takes my arm and begins to run, making me run with

her. She doesn’t stop till we are in her room. She locks the door.

“Talk!” She orders. And I tell her everything.

“No way! Khushi there is no way you are leaving this house! Come on! We

are all your family!” She has tears in her eyes.

“Lavanya ji, I have to go. I can’t stay here any longer. This… this is a house.

Not a home, not anymore.” I try to explain.

“Aarav? Arshi? Khushi, there is no way things are going to work out! You

can’t pay for Aarav’s school. You are broke! Arshi, how will you shoulder

her expenses?” She asks.

“Something will work out.” I vaguely answer.

“Khushi, you don’t take chances like that with life!”

“I know. But I took the chances earlier and it all made sense.”

“It made sense? Which is why you are here today? Like this?” She is mad.

I’m pretty sure that anger is for Arnav ji and not for me.

“Lavanya ji, I promise I’ll be in touch. I just have to leave.” I stand and

leave the room.

As I dash out the tears in my eyes I see Di standing outside the room crying.

“Di.” I begin to cry.

“Khushi ji, I’m so sorry.” She heard everything.

We hug each other almost instantly.

“He’ll come back, Khushi ji. He will apologize, I know. Don’t give up on

him please.” She falls to her knees.

“Di, please!” I’m crying too.

“Khushi ji… You can’t leave.” She is on the floor.

I drop to my knees as well.

“Di, I have to. I’ve had enough.” It hurts to say it out loud but this is as true

as it gets.

“Please. I can’t let you go.” She is crying so hard. And something tells me

this is not about me…

“Di, what is it?” I ask.

“Princess. I see my princess in her. In Arshi. Please you can’t go. You can’t

take her away from me.”

I am stunned.

Lavanya ji comes and sees us both on the floor. She sits on the floor with us.

“Khushi ji, I just learnt to love again. Please… I know it’s selfish…” She

begins again but breaks into sobbing again.

“Khushi,” Lavanya ji begins.

And suddenly it makes sense. Lavanya ji is right. I can’t pay for Aarav’s

school. I can’t shoulder Arshi’s expenses…

But also, I can’t live here anymore.

I can’t hurt Di.

I have to prove Arnav ji wrong…

I put two and two together and finally, it all makes sense. There’s only one

way that I prove him wrong.

I get to my feet and make Di stand up too.

“Di, take care of her.” Tears suddenly all gone.

“I’ll be in touch. Tell Aarav I am with Arnav ji, please. Don’t tell Arnav ji

anything.” I ask Lavanya ji to do me this favor.

“Chote has to know.” Di says.

“Di, please. You owe me at least this.” My emotion switch seems to be

flipped off. I don’t feel anything now.

I feel numb.

Di nods.

And thus, ends the chapter of Shantivan from my life.

Chapter 17: “Green”

Airports. I hate airports. It has been two hours and I’m still sitting in the

waiting lounge. Why is this stupid flight not taking off?! Well, on the

brighter side, it has given me time to write my diary… Something I have

been avoiding from last two months.

Two months. I am here at the airport after two months. Last time I was here,

Khushi was leaving for India. ‘I love you. I wish that was enough.’ Her

words still don’t make any sense to me. I let her go to her kids. My kids.

And that’s the last time we talked. It has been a clean break. She left from

here and she has not talked to me ever since. I hate to say it but I also, have

not even tried once to talk to her. Di tells me that she’s busy or sleeping or at

the temple whenever I call. And I also, never pressurize. She would talk if

she wants to talk. I have bought gifts for everyone at home, including

Khushi. She… Well let’s not talk about her. It hurts how we are not who we

used to be.

NK and Lavanya are getting married tomorrow. I had promised Khushi that I

would come for their wedding so here I am. At the airport waiting for the

flight that will take me to India. I have no idea when I’m coming back.

Whenever duty calls. Damon and Rita will manage the work I hope. There is

a lot to be done here but I have to go. I miss Khushi, my kids and Di. Aaah, I

have to make amends with Khushi, I know. But I couldn’t have done it over

a call. I owe her an apology in person.

Am I really sorry? Yes. I am. But not for what I said, I’m sorry that I said all

the right things but the wrong way.

Here it is! My flight has been called. I look forward to some sleep on board.

_________________________________________

Di, Aarav and NK are there to pick me from the airport. Di is wearing this

huge smile and NK being his usual drama queen self, is wiping of imaginary

tears from his cheeks. How I have missed him! I’ve seen stupid people, but

never one quite like him. And the cutest part? Aarav is sitting on NK’s

shoulders! He’s giggling. His smile makes me realize how much of his

childhood and his growth I’ve been missing. His smile is deeper, sadder…

His frame is a little broader and he looks fragile but strong. Both at the same

time. Looking at her makes me wonder how Arshi would’ve grown up. It

has been five months away and as feared, the trip would take me longer than

six months. A lot more than that. May be even a year. Or longer than that.

May be a few years. Two? Three? Honestly, I don’t know. But what I do

know is that with Khushi, things are not going to work if she stays like this.

We can’t make it if she puts thousands of miles between us. When have I

asked her to stop loving the kids? All I ask is that she loves me too. When

have I asked her to love me as much as she loves the kids? All I ask is that

she loves me, even if just a little.

“My best man is here!” NK puts Aarav down and hugs me. I hug him back.

It feels too good to be back home. This trip is just what I needed, especially

if I’m staying away for a couple of more years…

“NK! Congrats, groom!” I pat on his back.

“Chote!” Di hugs me as well.

“No tears please, Di.” She just put her face on my chest and sobbed. I let it

pass.

“My super man!” I swung Aarav up in my arms. Damn he’s getting heavy!

“Daddy!” He high fives me as I put him down.

“Nanav, my brother! Let’s get going! It’s sangeet tonight!” Oh man! Loud

stupid music with dozens of unknown people dancing as if they give a damn.

“Don’t give me that face! You danced on your wedding, now dance on

mine!” NK winked.

“Sure, NK” I rolled my eyes.

“Let’s go?” Di asked.

“After you.” I gestured with my hand.

Where is Khushi? Why didn’t she come to receive me? A part of me is not

surprised but surely disappointed. But then again, she’s Khushi. She must be

busy with Lavanya doing all bling bling and dance rehearsels… Woah!

Tonight might actually be fun.

The ride back home was nice. Aarav’s contant talks about Shahrukh Khan

kept me entertained. What a fun family. My wife has Salman Khan, Salman

ji as she says. And my son has Shahrukh Khan, SRK as he says. I wonder

who Arshi has…

We reach the house and I barely recognize it. Not that it has been a while

I’ve been away, but because it’s covered in all flowers and lights. The house

looks… very Indian. I approve!

This reminds me of Khushi and me. How Aakash’s wedding did the trick for

us, I hope NK’s does it too. I am excited. I have a feeling that I will swing

open the door and all those moments will come back. The magic… The love.

I open the door it’s exactly what I see. People running, chaos but

magnificent.

I see Payal with a huge basket of flowers. Nani decorating the praying area,

Mami rehearsing her steps and then I see Aakash. He is running. He runs

towards Payal and takes the basket, says something to her and then kisses

her forehead. I love how… un-ASR he is with his pregnant wife. Talking of

wives, where is my wife? With Lavanya may be because I don’t see her

either.

“Di… where’s Arshi?” I had to ask about Khushi but the words just betrayed

me.

“She’s in Lavanya’s room. That’s the only calm room in the house. You

know hustle bustle everywhere.” She smiled nervously.

Oh right. She’s with Khushi. Of course.

“Bhai!” Aakash exclaims. I cannot help but smile.

“Everyone! He’s here!” He announces.

I walk to him as he walks to me and we hug. Too many hugs for a day I

guess.

I even hug Payal! Kind of felt the right thing to do. I greet and hug Nani and

Mami and then walk to Lavanya’s room. My fiber in my being knows that

I’m going there to meet Khushi but I give the excuse to myself that I’m

going to meet Arshi and Lavanya.

“ASR!” Lavanya looks exquisite! She is wearing yellow.

‘Miss Kashyap, how good it is to see you!” I hug her.

“Get over it! You just came here to see your daughter. There she is.” She

points to the crib across the bed. She winks at me.

“How accurate!” I wink back.

I walk to the crib and suddenly water pools my eyes. This baby girl, I don’t

know who she is. She is probably the prettiest face I have ever laid my eyes

on and she is twice the size of my daughter that I left.

“She… she.” I’m speechless.

“I know.” She collects Arshi in her arms and kisses her cheek.

Instinctively I extend my arms forward and she gently puts my daughter in

my arms. It feels… complete.

Lavanya’s phone rings. Arshi’s eyebrows are pushed together, there’s a little

V on her forehead, just like Khushi’s. Where is she?

“Hey!” Lavanya answers the phone.

She silently listens and then answers again.

“Okay. But no more that fifteen more minutes okay? Please! Come on!...

Yes. He just came… Arshi’s fine, Khushi… No bottled milk, I remember.

Aarav too. Sure… See you in a bit.” She disconnects the call.

It was Khushi.

“Where’s Khushi?” I am anxious now. Where the hell is she?

Lavanya shifts uncomfortably.

“Where. Is. She?” I’m mad again. Heaven’s sake, Arnav! Put this ASR side

aside for a second!

Lavanya shoots a glance at me.

“Sorry. Where is she?” I ask in my politest of tones.

“ASR, I don’t think it’s my story to tell.” She shrugs.

There is a story? What do I have to catch up with?

“Who’s story is it?” I ask Lavanya.

“Mine” The voice comes from behind me. It’s Di.

“Yours? Are you okay?” My eyes scan her from bottom to top and it’s only

now I see that her limp is gone.

She walks up to me smoothely after she locks the door.

“Chote, sit.” She takes Arshi from me and puts her back in the crib.

“What is it?” I ask again.

“Chote, Khushi left the home the very same day she returned from Italy.”

She says it and then goes silent for a while.

Left home? What does that mean?

“Chote, I assume you guys had a fight.”

“We have had so many fights! What do you mean she left?” I’m surprisingly

calm.

“Exactly, Chote. It was too much for her this time.” Di’s words are breaking

my heart.

“Where is she right now?” I ask.

“No one knows… Except Lavanya ji.”

Me and Di both look at Lavanya at the same time.

“She has been in touch. She doesn’t want any of you guys to know where

she is. But she’s coming tonight. She is my best friend, ASR.” Lavanya

says.

Somehow, all I hear is that she’s coming tonight.

“She’s coming tonight. Good.” I announce and stride to the exit.

“ASR, wait.” Lavanaya calls out.

I stop.

“She is my best friend. She’s family to all of us, ASR. Plus, it’s my

wedding.” Oh…

“Do you, Ma’am Kashyap, want an assurity that I won’t cause a scene at

your wedding? You don’t even know what happened!” My blood is

beginning to boil.

“ASR, my wedding or not, she is my best friend! She deserves better.” She

is this headstrong woman I had not seen ever! She is not the old Lavanya.

This person is new. She stands in front of me, without flinching with her

hands folded in front of her chest.

“Lavanya, I’m glad she has you as a friend… Best friend. But right now, I

don’t think she is the one to be supported!” I’m relatively calmer. I know

that as I speak, Khushi is coming to me… To Lavanya.

“Oh you think, ASR! And yes, I do know what happened.” She looks at me

with questioning eyes. No way! She thinks it’s my fault? She freaking loves

others more and then leaves me to come to the kids! And now I find that she

wasn’t here the entire time! Her selfishness knows no bounds!

“So you do know how incredibly selfish she has been?” I ask her.

Channeling all my hatred and anger towards her.

“Selfish? Tell me this is a dream! It has to be!” She is yelling right back a

me. And it feels good. It feels good to be challenged after so long. And this

way, I won’t feel guilty later.

“Listen to me someone?” Di asks.

“Please, Di. Tell him. He is hating her for all the wrong reasons!” Lavanya

pleads.

Wrong reasons? What the hell?

“As I said, it’s my story to tell.”

________________________________________

I don’t know what to feel. So… Di, my innocent sister practically snatched

a baby from her mother? Damn it! What the hell am I supposed to feel? My

own sister!? No matter how messed up your own life is, you never tear

mothers and babies apart! Not even as ASR was I that ruthless. Lavanya is

right. Khushi deserves better. What was the whole point? She has not been

with me these last two months and not with the kids either!

Damn it! I need to talk to her. Tell her how sorry I feel for her! I love her.

She loves me. ‘I wish it was enough’… What does that mean?

I walk to Lavanya’s room again.

She is with all the girls now. My eyes search for Khushi, she’s still not here.

Damn it! Just… what the-

“Lavanya. I need a minute” I call out.

The room stills for a second.

“Give us a minute please?” She asks the girls. They thank fully agree and

begin to leave the room.

“Are you okay?” She asks me.

“Barely holding it together…” I shrug.

She nods.

“How is she?” I ask. My throat is all dry.

“She has asked me not to talk to anybody about her.” She looks away. Torn

between her two friends.

“I’m not asking you her address, Lavanya.” I’m desperate to know that she’s

okay!

She thinks for a heartbeat. “She’s okay. She will… she’ll get there.”

The door opens and there comes Khushi. My Khushi. Or have I lost her?

“Lavanya ji!” She exclaims.

She looks at me and our eyes meet for a second. She stares at me with the

face so expressionless that it hurts. Then soon, too soon, she looks away.

She adjusts her hair and then smiles at me. Her friendly smile.

“Hey there, Arnav ji. Lavanya ji told me you’re back. Welcome” She beams

and claps her hands. Totally normal.

“Lavanya ji! So pretty!” She runs to her and hugs her.

She looks so… normal. As if nothing really happened. Damn it! We don’t

live together anymore! How the heck is she normal?

“You look so much better! How dare you, Chamkili? Who is now going to

look at me?” Lavanya jokes.

Somehow, she is the only girl I see. She is wearing the same green sari she

wore at Aakash’s sangeet and she looks just as pretty. Her hair though, are

tied back in a neat bun and she is not wearing much makeup. The sari is

hugging her body beautifully and her bare back and stomach make her look

like a princess. My princess.

“Look at you! So pretty!” Lavanya holds her hand and gestures her to twist

around so that she can see her dress.

Khushi is blushing deeply. As she moves in a circle to show her dress to

Lavanya, I see that something is off about the way she is always fixing her

sari, at the right side of her stomach.

What is it?

“Are you nervous?” Khushi asks Lavanya.

She shrugs.

“I don’t know. Let’s just go outside and dance!” Lavanya claps her hands

and Khushi hugs her again.

“Lavanya, you go outside, Khushi will join you later.” I tell Lavanya.

Khushi shoots me a glance but it’s not that of anger. It’s all… normal.

“Khushi?” Lavanya asks.

“Arnav ji, I have to walk her down. After that?” She is basically asking me

to wait.

“Okay. I am right here. Waiting. You go, walk her down and come right

back.” I tell Khushi.

She smiles. So normal!

“Sure.” She tells me and then faces Lavanya “Come.” She holds her hand

and fixes her dress.

Minutes pass and I am waiting for Khushi in Lavanya’s room. NK enters the

room.

“Love?” He calls out.

They are cute! He calls her Love and she calls him Nanny. That’s…

adorable!

“Here to steal a kiss little brother?” I absentmindedly joke.

He freaks out. “No. No. no, no! I was… I am.. just gonna go.” He smiles and

runs back.

As he leaves, I see Khushi enter the room. She walks to the mirror and fixes

her sari again. What the hell!?

She turns to me then. “You wanted to talk?”

Oh God… What do I say? I have so much to say!

Instead of talking, I just walk up to her and hug her. This is an apology hug.

I wind my arms around her stomach and bury my head in her shoulder. I am

holding on to her for life. I squeeze my arms around her stomach harder

when she protests in pain.

“Owh!” She almost screams.

What? Her face has yet not healed? I mean it looked okay. People coundn’t

even tell there were stitches on her face just months ago! Why is she in pain?

“What?” I ask.

“Nothing.” She walks to the bed holding right side of her stomach and sits

down.

Something is surely wrong.

“Khushi, what’s wrong?”

She clutches her stomach again.

“Nothing” She is sweating now.

I take her hand, stand her up and bare her stomach by trashing the fabric

away.

There. I see a HUGE cut. Diagonally placed, red.

What was that?

“Khushi! KHUSHI! WHAT IS THIS?” I yell.

She nods in disagreement.

“DON’T SAY IT’S NOTHING!” I scream again!

She sighs…

“I got my kidney removed.” She says in the little voice.

Why?

“Were you sick?” I… just can’t stop my tears. She has been sick and I

wasn’t there…

“No.” She smiles and sits down.

“So?” I ask.

But she doesn’t answer it.

“So, Khushi?” I ask again.

There’s a knock on the door and there’s this little girl.

“The bride needs that girl.” She points towards Khushi.

Khushi gets up, fixes her sari and begins to walk towards the door. No no

no! Our conversation is not over!

I catch her hand as she passes from the front.

“No.” I say sternly.

She frees her hand. “She needs me.” She politely smiles and leaves.

Those words, it almost felt like someone had just slapped me. ‘Need’. Where

was I when she needed me?

Chapter 18: Coexist

“She needs me.” It’s all I can say. What else can I say? Lavanya ji needs me.

“Khushi stop!” He screams from behind me. I don’t know which childhood

nerve is hit, I start to run. I pace down the stairs quickly and don’t stop till

I’m by Lavanya ji’s side.

I can see from the corner of my eyes that he’s standing frustrated, passing

his fingers through his hair again and again. Well, he can be all frustrated

and agitated he wants.

The music is playing loudly and all the girls are cheering and clapping.

There’s a group of Lavanya ji’s friends from the office and they have

prepared a dance performance. I am so excited to see the dance! I have been

waiting for weeks for all this. The dances, the colors, the flowers, Lavanya

ji, this family and of course my kids. There is nothing else I want from this

day. Nothing else. But seeing Arnav ji earlier, I know that he is going to

throw a lot of stuff at me. Like he should because I let him in. I let him cause

all the destruction in my life and then get away with it. Sure, I love him and

he is a better person. But who can ignore the pile of evidence?

Don’t! Don’t think about it, Khushi! Just don’t. Bear this mind that all you

want from the day is happiness.

But then again, who am I kidding? I don’t hate him. I love him in fact. But I

just don’t want any part of him now. I may have still not found out a way to

live without him, but I will get there. Yes it hurts, but nothing less than how

it used to when I lived with him. I am going to have at it. I will make it. I

will build a life without him. But how can I live without my kids? Arshi,

Aarav… I need them more than anyone in the world and anything in the

world. Though there is one other thing I want, I want Arnav ji to be happy.

He looked like a mess earlier. I really hope he’s okay.

“Khushi!” Lavanya derails the train of my thoughts.

“Yes?” I smile to her.

“Did you meet the babies?” She asks.

I smile. “ That was the first thing I did when I walked in” I wink at her.

Lavanya smiles at me. She pours all her concern in that smile.

“I’m fine.” I assure her by squeezing her hand.

And then we hug.

“Okay then, Madam I’m fine. Go and see how bad is my to-be husband

freaking out.” She smiles again.

“Right away!” I smirk.

My body is weird these days. I feel like a part of me is gone. And that part is

not my kidney.

I press my hand against my scarred stomach, fix the sari and then get up. I

know that Arnav ji will be in Nanhay ji’s room. But right now, all I care

about is that Aarav is with Jija ji, Arshi is with Di, Jiji is fine and Lavanya ji

is happy. I guess that is all I have ever wanted.

I open the door and there I see Aarav, Jija ji and Nanhay ji laughing.

“Oooh! What’s the joke?” I smile at them.

“Come on, Mom. It’s a guy thing” Aarav rolls his eyes.

“Oh. Okay, boys. Nanhay ji, your girl needs to know how bad are you

freaking out.” I smile sweetly at Nanhay ji.

“Tell her it’s all under control” He smiles. He clearly is freaking out but I

am happy he has it under control.

I tell Lavanya ji that he’s fine. The function goes smoothly and the highlight

of all of it was how pretty Arshi looked. Di had made her wear a yellow and

pink ghagra and she looked… like a miracle. The dances were all well

rehearsed and when Lavanya ji and Nanhay ji’s turn came, Nanhay ji shied

away! He blushed so hard and looked so cute.

All of it is going smooth but I don’t quite feel right. Arnav ji’s missing.

Where is he? More importantly, is he okay?

I decide that I am going to look for him. Where can he be? Obviously, no

place other than the poolside.

Yes! He must be there.

I climb up the stairs and knock on the door of his room. It used to be my

room too… Don’t think about it, Khushi!

I enter the room and see that our memories are scattered everywhere in the

room. We are here, in the air. I almost see him with a towel around his neck,

coming out of the bathroom. I see myself on the bed, giggling like a school

girl talking and talking about Salman Khan ji. I see him typing on the couch.

I see him doing his tie by the closet… He is everywhere. But where is he? I

turn to the poolside and see myself doing the Yoga with Arnav ji. Then I

finally see him! He is by the poolside, staring into the pool.

I knock the door again. And again. I give up finally.

I walk to him, and just like my typical self, I trip over a pot. I let out a

scream and before I know, he is holding my forearm, supporting all my

weight with one hand and his other hand is in his pant pocket. He lets go off

me when I am stable. My stomach hurts terribly. It’s too bad. Oh my God! I

don’t think I can stand right now. I begin to sweat.

“Khushi!” He clutches my shoulders. The pain in my stomach is too bad.

I don’t think I can speak. I try to say that I’m okay, but words betray me.

Arnav ji walks me to the poolside chairs and makes me sit.

He pushes aside the loose tendrils off my face and keeps on just saying my

name. From his mouth, my name sounds like some prayer.

Moments pass and he just sits in front me rubbing my hands.

I match my breathing with his and in a few seconds, I feel better.

Arnav ji sees this and lets go of my hand. And I feel… I don’t know what I

feel.

“I knocked…” I begin the conversation.

He looks at me with a creased forehead. “I know.”

“Then why didn’t you respond?” He is confusing me.

“This is your room. You don’t need permission to come in.” He says matter

of factly.

Oh. So this is his state of denial…

“Arnav ji, we need to talk.” I feel color dropping from my face.

“You think?” He looks at me questioningly.

“Yes, I do. Listen, Arnav ji… Why aren’t you downstairs with the family?” I

begin but he interrupts me.

“Khushi, I don’t know what is happening. I really don’t understand. Accept

my apologies, but this is a hell lot of information to digest for a day.

My hearts breaks for him. I see a vulnerable boy in front of me. A confused,

defenseless boy.

“Arnav ji. It was too much. It is too much.” How do I voice it?

He shakes his head in disapproval.

“Why?” He asks. He points towards my stomach.

“I needed money. I sold it.” It looks like I just slapped him.

“Okay.” He nods.

“I needed money.” I explain.

“Why didn’t you use the Dabba Service money?” He looks grief struck. And

not for even a second do I doubt his concern.

“I couldn’t. It was yours. You set the company up.” I whisper.

He nods.

“Arnav ji, I love you. Trust me please when I say that. You… calm my spirit

and quiet mu busy thoughts and I love you fiercely.”

He has tears in his eyes.

“So what’s the problem?” He asks, looking away

“Loving you is defying my own logic and reasoning. I just need to see who I

am, Arnav ji. All my life has been… shadowed. I was with Bua ji first and

when I faced the world for the first time, I met you that very second. Think,

Arnav ji. Don’t you think I have had enough? Of…” Of your cruelty. Of

your oppression. “I get hurt always.” You always hurt me.

He nods.

“And it’s sad, that people never understand you. I just want to go away.” I

don’t know how or since when, I feel myself crying. Tears pouring out like

blood gushing. “ I have been sleeping with wolves in my head, Arnav ji.

And I think that now, I’ve got it right. I have been walking down the streets

naked, exposing too much of my heart and my mind and what exists on the

inside. Showing too much of myself. I need to change that, Arnav ji.”

He listens to me quietly.

“You say I’m just a mother, Arnav ji. May be I am. But there are also other

things that I am. I’m passionate about the rain. I’m in love with dancing. I’m

careful about not hurting people. I’m hopeful of listen to stories. And there

is so much more that I am, Arnav ji. But what’s the point if I just stay with

you and keep on hurting myself? It’s a cycle, Arnav ji. I feel I always get

hurt. And you have every right to call me selfish.”

“So, you’re going back to a simpler life?” He asks, still looking away.

I nod. “And I hope it’s not a step backwards.” I shrug.

“I hope that too.” He is not looking at me.

“Khushi, about Arshi… That I didn’t ask her to do. I’d never punish

you like that for a little issue.”

“That was not little, Arnav ji. Those words you said in Italy pretty much

changed my life. I have never had a mother, Arnav ji. So I don’t know.” My

words make no sense and I know it.

“You can take Arshi… and Aarav too. You have my word, no one in this

house will have the nerve to stop you.” He dashes away a stream of his tears.

“Di… She needs the kids.” I tell him. He might think I am selfish and maybe

I am. But I am not heartless.

“And you don’t?” He looks at me finally.

I need them more than I need air to breathe.

“It was why in the first place you left. You left me for them,” He states.

Is that true?

Listening it from him makes me the oppressor.

“I did not leave you. You pushed me away.” I correct him.

He nods.

He is no mood to discuss things. He is taking all the blame. Maybe that’s

good.

“Are you feeling better?” He asks.

“Yes. Thank you for taking care of me.” I mean it.

He nods again.

“How long do you plan to stay here?” I ask.

“You’d rather I leave?” He looks at me again.

It’s a relief. Every time he looks at me.

“No…” I have not thought about this. Do I want him to stay? Seeing him

hurts. Seeing him like this hurts even more. Yes. I’d like it better if he

leaves.

“Yes.” I correct myself. His head shoots up.

“Right.” I can see how much I have hurt him.

“This city is too small for us. We can’t…” I’m looking for the right word…

“Coexist?” He asks.

And I nod.

He stands up. I look up at him. He holds my hand and I stand up.

“After you.” He gestures with his hand.

“Thank you.” I carefully walk this time out of the room. We silently walk

down the living room and the party is still young.

Arnav ji walks to Di and takes Arshi from her. Di willingly hands her over.

He comes to me then and hands my daughter to me.

She is napping. I take her in my arms and my eyes voice all my emotions in

tears. Arnav ji then disappears. I rock my arms instinctively and watch her

sleep. I can do this for the rest of my life.

Arnav ji returns a few minutes later, with Aarav.

He is holding Aarav’s hand and he comes and stands next to me. Aarav is at

his right side and I am at his left. He puts his arm around my shoulders

sending shivers down my cold spine. I shoot him a glace.

“Smile please?” A man’s voice calls out to me from a little far away.

A man, whose face is hidden by a huge camera, is hunching forward. Oh,

it’s a photo call.

I smile. The camera flashes once, twice and then again.

“Done” The photographer calls out.

“Thank you.” Arnav ji calls out too.

“So, champ. First thing in the morning we’ll get the picture framed. Okay?

Got what you wanted?” Arnav ji asks Aarav.

“Thank you! My family picture will be the best among all classmates!” He is

so enthusiastic.

Oh… So Arnav ji did this for Aarav. Aarav must have talked with him.

“The picture…” He pauses. “The picture will be” He completes his sentence

and smiles.

Both of the boys scatter then. Arnav ji walks to Nanhay ji while Aarav goes

straight to Di. I find myself a comfy sofa and sit. Comfortable sofa, I don’t

have such privileges back at my one room flat.

I look at my left… the reflection in the mirror is still the same but something

is off about the picture. A mother is holding her baby. That’s supposed to be

normal. But why is it not? May be the light is fractured.

Fractured or broken? Light or something else?

Chapter 19: “Addiction & Conviction”

Arnav’s Diary:-

I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on anyone. It is like everything has

stopped. As if the sun has set and not rose since yesterday.

To top it all, I don’t know what to feel. Trust me, it’s as if my intestines are

on fire. Khushi has made my whole frame quiver. Her one move and my

entire life has fallen into pieces. And damn it! It is my mistake! It is all my

fault. I blamed my own children for my own selfishness. Khushi is anything

but selfish, why is this clearer now? I was so convinced and I lived in that

bubble for months! What the hell was I thinking?

Damn it! I don’t have Khushi anymore… I don’t have her. She’s gone.

All these thoughts are killing me. I cannot control this pain. I yearn for

control and this, this is too much.

Khushi…

Khushi…

Khushi…

How do I make this pain go away? What do I do? It is all my fault. All of it!

I was a crappy husband. I put miles and oceans between us and when she

comes to me… when she does I mess it all up for eternity!

Khushi…

How do I make this pain go away?

I get up from my bed and walk around the room. Desperately looking for a

distraction… something, anything! Please just make this pain stop. Khushi is

not around, it hurts. My kids are away from their mother, it hurts. Khushi is

alone somewhere, it hurts. Khushi is away from our kids, it hurts. Damn it!

My sister! My own sister has been monumentally selfish!

All of it, the hurt, the pain is exploding out of my chest.

I walk to the washroom and see myself in the mirror. That reflection, that

person disgusts me. He broke the heart of the girl who lived to love him. A

girl who had had enough of sadness for at last a dozen of lifetimes.

I hate this man in the mirror. Who is he?

I punch the mirror and the glass shatters into pieces. Blood oozes out of my

right hand. Huge chunks of glass stay half buried in my skin… As the blood

falls and as the pain gets stronger, I realize that the physical pain is a lot

much easier to take. Emotional pain is too much to take. For a few good

seconds, all that hurt was my hand. All I cared about was the blood that

stained the white bathroom floor. The burning of my hand is better than that

of my heart. But just as my body tackled that pain, Khushi, her memories

and the emotional pain came back.

Dashing out the tears in my eyes, I walk out of the washroom. I pass the

dressing table and some nerve is pressed again. I punch that mirror as well

with my same injured hand. Give yourself more pain, Arnav. Only that will

set you free. Khushi has a string tied to the lower left compartment of my

heart. The other end is attached to somewhere closer to Khushi’s heart. Now

with all these miles between us, it feels like that string has snapped. And

that… is soul crashing.

Do I really have a soul?

_________________________________

Oh heavens! My hand hurts. My head feels like a cloud… My legs hurt too.

Whoa! Have I been run over by a bus?

My wits are scattered. What year is it? Where am I?

There is someone on the door. Impatient heavy knocks.

Oh… I’m back home.

What was I doing on the floor? And then ever so slowly, yesterday and all

that punching comes back to me. When was that? What time is it?

I raise my right hand and it is swollen. Blood has dried and there has blue

and purple bruises. What time is it?

“Coming!” I call out to the door.

Where the hell is my phone? I look for it and find it on the other side of the

bed, on the floor. It’s six in the evening!

What the! How long have I been sleeping?

I walk to the door deciding that I won’t let anyone come inside. The room is

a mess. And too bloody…

I open the door and it’s like someone has stabbed me.

Khushi.

She is out of breath and her face is all red. She looks pretty, all dressed up

for the wedding.

“Di told me that you asked no one to disturb you. Jiji told me you didn’t join

the family for breakfast. Lavanya ji said she last saw you in the morning at

about ten and then Nanhay ji told me that you weren’t in a good shape…”

She somehow manages to say all that in one breath. Listening to her speak is

like… as if a train just passed from in front of me. Loud, quick, breathless

and heavy.

She goes on…

“Jija ji told me you didn’t answer that door when he knocked this afternoon.

Nani ji said your phone has been switched off. So they all decided to let you

be by yourself for sometime…” She’s here. And she’s talking. Talking to

me. The pain in my hand disappears and a huge weight also lifts off of my

chest.

She still has more to say.

“Aarav told me that you didn’t get those pictures developed and framed and

Mami ji said that-” I interrupt her in her speech.

“I’m fine.” I assure her.

She sighs. I sense relief. Some of it is hers. And some of it is mine. Nothing

has ever been more relieving than seeing her this evening.

“Okay. Come. We have got to reach to the venue.” She looks away. Maybe

she too had forgotten what had happened between us yesterday.

“I will let it pass, I guess.” I don’t feel like going to the wedding. Khushi can

go. I won’t make things harder for her. She already told me how India is too

small for us to coexist…

She nods. Had she been mine, she would’ve dragged me to the wedding.

“Thanks for stopping by.” I don’t want her to leave. But she can’t come

inside and see the mess. So far I’ve hidden my hand. And I know that if she

sees it, she’ll never forgive herself.

She nods again.

“Nanhay ji and Lavanya ji would love to have you around. They were

waiting for you to come back so they could get married.” She is playing with

her hair nervously.

So she wants me to come to the wedding…? She still cares, I see it. But she

is contradicting herself. She just asked me to leave India yesterday. In plain

words!

“I would’ve loved that too. But I don’t want to make things harder for you

than they are already.” I tell her the truth. I owe her at least that.

“I’ll be fine. Come to the wedding please.” She looks at me. Pink nose, hazel

eyes… My heart screams at me to listen to her. And take her in my arms and

kiss her soundly till she melts. Till her decision changes. Till she kisses me

back. Till she takes me back…

“Okay. I’ll come.” Her face lights up as I tell her. And to see that glow, I

would gladly die, a thousand times over.

“Great. I’ll see you there.” Her words are a farewell but she makes no move

to leave. Oh, how I don’t want her to leave.

“Ummm, would you like to stay for a while? How about we both go

together?” I ask her. It’s like starting this relationship from scratch.

But I see her reluctant face. And realize that this relationship… she doesn’t

want anymore.

“I’ll take the taxi.” She smiles at me.

“Khushi… please.” Where do I begin? How do I say this? Damn it! Writing

on the laptop is easier.

“Arnav ji, you know what? I wonder if there ever will be a morning when

you’ll wake up missing me…” She looks at me. Tears pooling in her eyes.

“I have been wondering… Two months now. Arnav ji, I mattered that less?”

She locks her eyes with me and addresses my soul. What do I say? All of it

really is my fault.

“Khushi, please…” What the hell do I say?

“Arnav ji, really? Trying to be a good mother is a crime? You punished me

for that?” She asks me.

“You left me.” I remind her.

“You pushed me away! Arnav ji, look at me! I’m here. After everything just

to see if you’re doing okay. And you let two whole months just pass? I

mattered that less.” She mumbles.

“I had no idea you weren’t at Shantivan.”

“How would you have known? You didn’t really care. Arnav ji, I wonder if

there will ever rise a sun which makes you miss me. That something just

happens, something teaches you the value of my worth. Or am I worthless,

Arnav ji? Will you ever feel a surge of longing, when you remember how

good I was to you. I was good to you, weren’t I?

“Khushi, Khushi please!” I don’t know what to say.

“I was good, yes or no?” She asks again.

I dash away my tears.

“Yes. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Okay.” She nods again. “Okay.” She sighs

“And if that day ever comes, Arnav ji… Look for me. Please. Look for me

with the conviction I hope for.” She explains.

I don’t know what to say. I have tried words. They don’t help much.

I pull her inside the room with my left hand and close the door behind me

with my leg. All of it happening in the blink of an eye, I hold her face firm

in my hands and kiss her chastely. I pour my words, my amends, my

apologies, all of it in that kiss as I wait for her hands to fist in my hair at the

nape of my neck. I wait for her lips to dance against mine and her blood to

sing but nothing happens.

This is not loving her. This is an assault.

I am breathless as I let go of her face.

“Are you done?” She asks. And it is as if she is miles away.

I bury my head in her neck as she stares at the ceiling. I hold her neck tightly

with both of my hands. It is a plea.

“Khushi, please. Please put me out of this misery. I love you. Please,

Khushi! Please. I love you!” I let my tears fall. And a numb part of my brain

is vaguely aware that my right hand hurts.

She stays still and says nothing.

I put a little pressure on her neck.

“Khushi, I can break your tiny frame with my bare hands whenever I wish. I

can subdue you to submission right now. But it’s you with your soul that I

want, Khushi. Please. Please! Come back to me.” I drop to my knees and

hug her stomach.

Nothing seems to effect her anymore. She doesn’t love me anymore.

“The essentials are still the same, Khushi! Nothing has changed! One fight

and you look away forever? Khushi! Please!” I am yelling now.

I hear her sobs and I can feel her cry but she still doesn’t say anything.

“Khushi, I miss you. These last dozen of hours were enough! Please,

Khushi! Love me! Stay with me. The surge of longing! The conviction; I

feel it, Khushi! Please please come back. I can’t… I just can’t.”

She drops to her knees too. We are sitting face to face in our room. And still,

she is so away. Two hundred physical miles drawn between us.

“I want you to stay happy, Arnav ji. Always.”

“You are my happiness! Please. I’m begging! I’m begging, Khushi!” I yell

at her.

“And I’m begging too! Let me go! Let it be!” She yells back at me.

I am taken aback for an instant. But then, it’s nice like this. This is the

intimacy I crave with her. She and me, face to face, only inches apart, in our

room, alone.

“Let me go! I have had enough, Arnav ji! The pain is too much! I want to be

alone! Utterly and completely alone! Just for once I don’t want to be sister, a

daughter, a wife! This all is too much!” She is yelling. Her voice cracks and

she mutes a couple of times as she yells.

“And a mother? Come back for the kids.” My voice is a whisper. It’s coated

with fear, agony and pain. How does she not see it? And if she does, how

does she not care!?

She has nothing to say to that question.

She gets back to her feet and she holds her stomach. It must be hurting…

Her kidney has been removed.

“Are you okay?” I look up to her and ask.

She nods and then she holds out both of her hands to me. “Come on, get up.”

She instructs me.

I’d do anything she asks me to, anything she wants me to.

I reluctantly place my left hand in her shaky palms and try to get up.

“Give me your other hand too.” She asks with nothing but concern burning

in her eyes.

I take a deep breath and give her my right wounded hand.

She looks at me questioningly. And I have nothing to say. How do you even

begin to explain? What other excuse is there for the teenager type thing that

I did?

We stare at each other for a long moment and I see tears birthing in her eyes

and then falling free.

She cares.

“Khushi, I’m okay.” I assure her.

I stand up and take her face in my hands again. “I’m alright.” I chant this to

her again and again but nothing calms her down.

She looks around the room and her eyes fixate on the broken glass pieces

with drops of blood on the floor, right next to the dressing table.

“Listen to me!” I hold her in my arms again and hug her.

“Stop. Please.” She does not stop crying.

She breaks free from my hug and runs to the dressing table even before I

register it. What is she doing?

She drops to her knees and presses her right hand to the floor. Pain escapes

from her mouth.

“Khushi!” Now I realize what she’s doing. She is injuring herself, just like I

did.

I scoop her off the ground and put her on the bed. With my teeth slowly, I

pull out the glass pieces from her palm.

She lets out a tiny scream.

“Khushi!” I scold her.

“I’m alright, too. I, too, am okay.” She assures me.

Oh God! Such is our love. Pure, deep and yet shattered.

“Khushi, help me God! If you do this again, I will kill you!” As I am done

pulling out the glass pieces, I kiss her palm.

And all this, reminds me of how I pulled the broken bangle out of her wrist

from my teeth not too long ago.

“And help me, Daivi Maiyyan! If you do that again, I will kill you!” She

points towards my hand with her chin.

“Okay.” I nod.

I take off my tie, I realize I’ve been in this suit from a day and a half. I

remember putting it on in Italy.

I wrap the tie around her hand and knot it carefully.

She pats on my shoulder gently. “ Go get dressed. We have a wedding to

attend.”

And I will do anything she says.

As I lock the house behind me, I feel her eyes constantly on my hand. Which

is now bandaged.

I open her the door of the car and she sits in gracefully. She puts her seat belt

on as I walk to the driving seat.

“Where are the kids?” I ask her as I put my seat belt on.

“With Di” She simply answers.

The ride to the marriage hall is a long and a silent one. She stares out of the

window as I gaze at her.

_____________________________________________

The wedding was nice. Not half as dramatic as mine, but nice.

NK, the dog! He was so excited for the ‘carry your bride’ ritual. My eyes

locked with Khushi’s as that happened. She gave me a polite smile.

I remember our time. Both the times. There was nothing I hated more than

our first wedding, but right now, I’d take that gladly. I’d take her anyway I

can.

The day finally ends. But the night brings with it the fear of not seeing

Khushi again. She is leaving the house and meeting and greeting everyone

after putting the kids to bed.

I patiently wait for my turn and when she comes to me to say goodbye,

words deceive me. I am out of words.

“It was nice seeing you.” She smiles vaguely.

I shrug. “It is always nice seeing you.” I reply back.

She turns to leave and I silently watch her. I skim, to find the perfect words

to say to her. But the attempt goes in vain.

“Let me drop you?” I call out.

She turns back and looks at me. And without a word, she leaves.

I see her disappear silently. What shall I name this love? She loves me, I

love her. She can’t stay with me, I didn’t respect her. She , well… She is

exquisite.

She is eternity, while I am just a second. I spin in clocks and she swirls in

stars and I, I do not deserve her. She sings with her movements, she writes

and says the words with breathing which I shall never be able to say with my

mouth. While I was a feeling, she was an emotion. She is a dream… The

dream which leaves you wanting more, the dream which just touches your

subconsciousness and parts leaving a lingering scent. And it is now I realize

that I love her, I love that dream. For the dreams that are independent are

more pleasant. The dreams you dream while in the garden between asleep

and awake, are the dreams you can control. And Khushi is not that dream.

She can’t be tamed and she can’t be controlled and she can’t be governed.

And I like it that way.

What did she say yesterday? That she was passionate about rain? Yes. That.

She is passionate about rain and I am passionate about the way she loved it.

It is the same with everything. It is safe to say that if I didn’t have her, which

I don’t now, there would be no fire in me at all. And that has happened. That

fire is extinguished. And I miss that fire. The warmth it brought with it.

That fire, that dream, that scent… I’m not ready to let go of any of that. Yes,

she asked me to leave her alone. But why do I hear her chanting right now?

As if she wants me to get her back? She wants conviction. I can be that. I

can be anything she wants.

I am addicted to that fire and the warmth only Khushi has. She has a hold on

me, she is my addiction.

______________________________________

Putting two and two together, I decide to follow her. I grab my car keys and

run. I will follow the taxi to whatever it is where Khushi lives.

I may not go inside her house, but I may sleep sound and warm in my car

outside her house. Knowing that my dream is just a stride away. And all I

need to meet her is to close my eyes and drift in to unconsciousness.

This pain, this chasing… She is worth it all.

Chapter 20: “Guardian Angel”

Dear Pinky:-

My one room house looks extra small and cold to me tonight. I was doing

fine all along. But one trip to Shantivan and I see the difference now. This is

a humble little place which reminds me every minute of every day why I did

not bring my kids along with me. That would have been a selfish choice and

a foolish one too.

I mean, exactly nine steps in from the main door, my house ends. The

washroom has a broken door. But that has so far been fine. I mean I live

alone…

Wow. I live alone. That has not happened all my life. Is it hard? I can’t say

what is hard. This life is definitely a pit of fire but why is it so? I might

never know the answer. Is it because I am away from my kids? My husband?

Or just being on my own is hard?

My husband… Why did I say that? I have no relationship with that man.

Sure, my heart still beats for that man. I can’t deny that blood starts to sing

in my veins every time I see him. I can not guarantee that I don’t want him. I

want him. But no… I don’t want him. Does that make any sense? I know

what I’m doing is too harsh for him. But Pinky, I can not return to that

house. To that life. To Arnav ji. That house conceals my identity. Arnav ji…

He lives in my heart. He literally owns a map of my heart. He knows exactly

where if damage is done, will shatter me. I know Pinky, he loves me. Trust

me seeing him today like that was… I have no words. It was like a knife was

being twisted in my dark soul. There is no way I can describe what I felt at

that time. He is my life. Yes, I don’t want to be with him. But I want him to

be happy. Safe and healthy or sane at least if nothing else!

But I know he will be alright. It needs only time. Soon he will realize how I

was a bad choice. I don’t belong in his world. We really are two completely

different people. Yes opposites attract. But sometimes, they clash. And we

collided. The time I have spent with him was beautiful beyond words.

Sometimes there was only love in his eyes. But how can I change the person

that he is? He is harsh. And he… will never change.

I walk to my closet and kiss the pictures of my kids a good night. And next

to them, is my husband. I smile at his picture and run my wounded hand

over his picture. I silently say a prayer.

“Daivi Maiyyan. I can’t be with him, but you can. Please stay with him

always. Protect him. Guide him. Let him feel pain when he needs it, and

keep him happy when he is sad. Give him strength and fill his heart with

warmth”

As I drift off to sleep, I vaguely remember how I did not even mention my

kids in that prayer. How it was only about Arnav ji. My head is too clouded

and memories are fogged. I know that a lump is developing in my throat but

before my eyes can pour the liquid emotions out, I’m asleep.

_________________________________

What time is it? Oh God! Walking in heels really is exhausting. I wake up

with pain all over my body. My hand is worse. My legs are merely limbs.

My neck is protesting too. Oh, how I hate this pillow.

My stomach is not too well either. The hollow place of the kidney still

aches. Get up, Khushi. You have to work.

My work! Pinky, I never told you about it! Sorry for that.

Well, I stitch clothes. I bought a second hand sewing machine and some

threads and needles. (I have no idea why they call it second hand. I mean it

is clearly old. Like really old. Some retired general must have gifted this to

his now dead wife back in 60’s. And let me tell you, he must have also

bought it ‘second hand’!)

I don’t make enough money yet. I am using the money I got from the kidney

for now. But I have feeling that this might actually work. I have kept the

rates low so most of my customers are the people who work for rich people.

(I can’t call them servants. They have a heart too. And also, an ego and self

respect.)

I have to deliver three frocks today to woman who lives three buildings

away. I must get done before dark; it’s not a very safe neighborhood.

It is going to be a long day of cutting and putting patches together.

______________________

Oh! Thank God I got all the stitching done. Bed! Here I come.

The phone rings. Oh! It must be Lavanya ji. No one else really knows this

number. I call Amma and Bua ji from the public phone at the end of the

street.

“Hello?” I pick up the phone.

“Chamkili! How are you!?” Lavanya ji sounds so happy!

“Mrs. Nand Kishore! How good it is to hear from you!” I’m so happy. This

new ring in her voice is precious. It reminds me of how me and Arnav ji

were after the wedding. I’ve never been that happy again. And I’d never

seen Arnav ji that happy ever.

“Oh come on! I get to keep my name okay? It’s 21st century we live in.” She

giggles.

“Yeah yeah. Think about it! Lavanya Kashyap Singh Raizada! How nice

does that sound!”

“Nice. Pretty nice.” She giggles again. It’s so nice to know that at least

someone is happy.

I pause for a second. Then let out a sigh. What has become of my life…

“How are the kids?” I ask in a little voice.

“They are doing good, Chamkili. And I miss you.” She goes silent too.

“Come home, Khushi.You’re only punishing yourself.”

“May be that’s what I deserve.” I shrug. Is that what I deserve?

“Chamkili, lets not rehash that argument again.” She sighs in defeat.

“Let’s not.” I agree with her.

“I called to invite you over for dinner tonight. It’s a family dinner. Can’t be

without you.” She tries to recover her good mood.

Family. I don’t belong there anymore. But my kids are there…

“Arnav ji?” One word is enough.

“He’s leaving in a few days.” Lavanya ji informs me.

“Okay.” I can’t go. With him there, I can’t.

“So?” She asks again.

“So?” I ask her.

She sighs. “That’s my answer, isn’t it?” She sounds dejected.

“Sadly.” I agree with her.

“Arnav ji… Is fine. I know you’d want to know. He hasn’t been back yet. I

guess he’s in the office. He came home late last night too. I think he’s using

work as a distraction.” She informs me.

Did I want to know? Yes. A part of me has now been sated.

“Thank you. I hope he stays well.” I mean it.

Arnav ji has not returned home yet? How often has that happened? I can’t

recall of a single time. I hope he’s well. May be there’s a lot of catching up

to do on the work here in India.

“I hope the same. Well, Bua ji called. She wants to talk to you.” Lavanya ji

informs.

“Okay. Did she tell why? I mean we just met yesterday.”

“No idea. Just, call her when you can?” Lavanya ji asks.

I nod.

“Okay. How is Nanhay ji?”

“Nanny… He is adorable.” And I can tell that she is blushing.

“Well well. That he is. I’ll stop by when Arnav ji has gone. Okay?” I will.

Just not with Arnav ji around. One look at him and leaving gets hard. To

part from him is painful. It’s something I’ll never get used to.

“Sure. I love you. Please think over.” Lavanya ji, how do I tell you? If I let

myself think for even a second, I’ll break. I know that I would. And if that

happens, I don’t know if I’ll ever be at peace. If I think, I’ll either take

Arnav ji back or just… run away. Taking him back would kill me. That

would also kill my selfrespect. And Pinky, I know nobody respects me or

my decisions, which is why I have to respect myself. To make up for them;

the people.

Lavanya ji sighs.

“Take care of yourself.” Saying that, she disconnects the call.

Over the next three weeks, Pinky. I tried not to think. Just to fip the awitch

of my emotions off and just let things happen as the did. Of course there

were bumbs in the road, but I refused to think over my decisions.

I remember the Saturday when I finished the work early. I peeked out of the

only window in my room to look at the setting sun. That time reminded me

of how I chased dawn with Arnav ji. That day who would’ve thought that we

would end up like this? As I looked out of the window, I saw a car. Black

car. Something was off about that car. I looked at it that day. The day next

and also for the next four days that followed. It was parked in the dark of the

street. I could not see if someone was in there or not, but I certainly knew

that the car was not parked there purposelessly.

So the next day, at about five in the morning, I went too see whose car it

was. It was a stupid move. Anything could’ve happened to me. But dear

diary, you tell me. Do I have anything lose?

The man I saw in the car still haunts me in my dreams. Whenever it rains, I

can’t help but feel bad for that man. How he is outside, alone in the dark.

That man was my husband. Arnav ji.

Who knows for how many days he had been camped outside just to look

over me. Like a guardian angel. My guardian angel.

That day when I saw him napping in the car, it took all the courage in me to

stop myself from crashing in his arms. A dominant part of me wanted to

wake him up by kissing him. That part of me wanted to pull him out of the

car and push him into my flat and just hold him. Take care of him, tell him

that I love him. But then again, my selfrespect hindered. ‘Respect yourself

when no one does, Khushi’ I remember I had told myself that.

Three weeks have passed, Pinky. I have not talked to anyone. Anyone from

my… family. Lavanya ji must be honeymooning in Italy. I remember her

telling me how Arnav ji had offered them his apartment.

Arnav ji… He must be at the end of the street right now as well.

As I was immersed in my thoughts, I heard a knock on the door. Who could

it be? May be a new sewing consignment? Please, Daivi Maiyyan! Let it be

that!

But it wasn’t that, It was something bigger. Better. Arnav ji.

As I open the door, I see Arnav ji standing in front of me. His head is

dropped and he has his hands obediently folded at the back.

“Hello.” He politely says. As he says that, he doesn’t look up. He continues

to stare at the ground.

I am a spectrum of emotions right now. I feel as if this is the happiest day of

my life. And at the same time, I hate him for having the nerve to show up at

my door! What does he want!

But then, that is the person I’d go to hell for. I’d do anything for him, just

not take him back. I’ll always love him but never want him. I’ll always need

him but will never let myself accept his love.

Spectrum. Yes, spectrum is the right word.

“Come inside.” I tell him.

As I invite him in his eyes shoot up to mine. He looks… like a mess. His

hair is bushy and his beard needs trimming. He is nothing like the ASR I met

and fell in love with. This man looks different. But how different could he

be? He will always be the same man inside. He’ll hurt me unwillingly the

first chance he gets. I look at him and see that yes, exactly, that is the man

who owns the map of my heart.

I step out of his way and he steps in my house. And suddenly, my one room

flat doesn’t look that bad to me. Everything shines brighter. Things look

clearer. My house… looks like a home.

He inspects the room and I see the disgust on his face.

“I see the house doesn’t go very well with your personality.” I comment

sternly.

He looks at me and gives me that smile. That smile. But his smile fails to

glisten in his eyes.

“ It doesn’t go with yours either.” He shrugs.

Oh it does! It is who I am. From where you picked me up Arnav ji. I have

always been this person.

“Sit, please.” I gesture him towards the mattress spread on the floor. That is

the only place one can sit in this room.

“I’m fine.” He raises both his hands to his shoulder level.

“Tea?” I ask him.

He looks around the room once again and spots the stove set decently at the

corner.

“Please.” He nods.

Hey, Daivi Maiyyan! I have no milk!

“Okay. Just wait here till I get the milk.” I rush hurriedly to the closet to get

my shawl. Embarrassed by the pictures I have pasted on the closet of him

and the kids, I blush crimson.

“Oh no please. It’s fine. I just came to inform you something. I’ll leave in a

while. I will.” He looks in my eyes and I drop the shawl.

“Okay. What brings you here, Arnav ji?” I ask.

“How are you?” He arches his brows and I see his pain. My pain, reflected

similarly on both of us.

“Better.” I smile.

“The kidney?” He points towards my stomach.

I run my hand over the wound and smile again. “All good.”

It’s so good to have him here.

“Nice.” He nods and looks away.

“And… you?” I reluctantly asked.

“Oh, the same. Good.” He smiles. He is acting like a stranger. But to me, it

feels like I have met my closest friend.

“Great” I answer as I watch him stare at the ground.

The moments of silence stretch in the following seconds.

“Lavanya is in Italy.” He tells me.

“I guessed” I shrug.

“So we couldn’t contact you.” He clarifies.

“That’s okay.” I assure him.

“Payal delivered a baby boy last night.” He tells me.

And everything stops for a second. Jiji. Jiji became a mother? Hey Daivi

Maiyyan! A son! I’m an aunt now! Oh my God! Jiji!

“The baby is prematurely born by a couple of months.” Arnav ji tells me.

And before the happy news could sink in completely, I am worried.

“Is she…Are they okay? Ho- How?” I stammer.

“Relax. Everything is fine for now.” He runs his fingers through his hair.

“ ‘For now’? What do you mean?” Why is the world slipping from under my

feet?

“Please sit and let me talk.” He holds me carefully from my shoulders,

barely touching me, and sits me down on the mattress. He himself sits on

the ground.

“Please, sit here.” I tap at the mattress next to me. He obliges and sits next to

me.

“Payal faced some complications. So the doctor’s have put her to a

medicated sleep.” He tells me and shivers run down my spine.

“I don’t under-” I can’t talk.

“She has lost a lot of blood. She is sleeping right now. We are waiting till

she gets up.” I hear a hint of sadness in his voice.

“When does she get up?” I ask as tears are running down my face.

“Soon.” Arnav ji says.

“Okay.” She will be fine. She will be. I know. I have a feeling she’ll be fine.

“The baby is doing great though.” Arnav ji tries to distract me.

I sigh. “That’s a happy news.”

“Sure is.” He smiles.

“Arnav ji, can you take e to the hospital right now?” I ask him right away.

Don’t think about it too much Khushi. This man just gave you one of the

biggest news of your life! Jiji is a mother now!

“I was hoping you’d say that.” And I smell satisfaction in his voice.

“Thank you.”

He nods.

__________________________________

As I sit in the same black car with him, I realize how less has changed even

though it looks like a huge change. Me and him in car, feeling the same

pinch of electricity…

“Since we are at it, I want you to know another thing.” He starts

“What?”

“Your unce just got out of the wheelchair. The doctors say he’s doing great.”

Arnav ji smiles at me.

“WHAT!? WHEN?” I am screaming suddenly.

I can tell that Arnav ji is taken aback.

“The weekend next to the wedding.” His answer is more of a question.

“And I’m getting to know this right now?” I yell at him.

“Khushi…” He can’t understand and I see it on his face.

“Pull over. Just stop the car.” I say.

“Khushi?” He is surprised. But does exactly as he’s told. He pulls over.

As the car stops I halt out of the car. I can’t think straight next to him, so I

start to run on the lone road.

And I hear him following me.

I don’t stop, he continues to run after me. In a few heartbeats he has reached

me and he holds me from my elbow and stops me.

“What the-?” He asks.

“How do I not know at all about what is happening to my family?” I scream

at him.

He lets my arm go and folds his hand across his chest and looks away.

“Lavanya was away.” He tells me.

“Oh… So you couldn’t tell me?” I yell at him. He is taken aback.

“Khushi. Just calm down, get in the car.” He requests.

“PLEASE!” I yell at him.

“Please what?” He yells back at me.

“What have you done?” I scream as tears run down my face once again.

His face registers shock.

“ME?” He asks.

“You! How? What did you do!?”

I sit on the road holding my head in my hands.

“Khushi?” H asks.

“You, you tore me away from my children! You took my whole life in your

hands and squished it! You… WHAT DID YOU DO!?” I scream at him.

I’m sure my words make no sense.

He doesn’t answer.

“You ruined my life and still everynight before I go to bed I pray for your

wellbeing before I pray for my children! I leave the house and I run away

but you don’t leave my mind for a second! I ditch my family! Stay away

from their happiness and their sadness and still I can’t hate you! What did

you do!?” I get up and grab him by his collars.

“Look at me! You are a lame excuse for being a man! You have no heart and

no respect for anyone! You push people away and make them suffer! You

are a monster!” I yell at him still holding his collar.

“Khushi, stop.” He whispers.

“Why? It feels bad? It hurts? Well, good then! You should know how it

feels! You hopeless creature!” I yell again.

And then I see him losing it.

“STOP!” He frees himself from me.

I calm down a bit.

“I am hopeless!? Khushi? Heartless? You are heartless! I begged you to take

me back! But instead, you left the house and your kids just to prove that

you’re a good mother? Seriously, Khushi!? You wanted to prove that you

are a good mother by being a bad mother?” He yells at me.

It is painful to admit but his words make sense.

“Khushi, I am doing everything I can! Everything to fix this! To give you

the life you want, that I want that our kids want! And instead you’re being so

stubborn, Khushi! So stubborn!” As he says his last words he digs his hands

in my hair and presses his forehead to mine and lets his breathing ease.

“You never loved me.” I snap. And deep down, I know that isn’t true.

He sighs and this time doesn’t yell.

“I love you, Khushi. But why am I telling you? You already know that.” He

is calm now. And so am I.

“I spend every night outside your door, Khushi! Every-damn-night! But I bet

you already knew that too.” He closes his eyes.

Moments stretch again. I have nothing to say. No words to voice my

remorse. Nothing.

“Let’s get going.” He says that after Daivi Maiyyan knows how long.

I nod.

He takes off his coat and puts it on my shoulders. He gestures me with his

hand to walk and I do. He silently follows.

He walks next to me with miles in between. He walks in my shadow silently.

‘My’ shadow.

Chapter 21: “Memory Lane”

Oh, Diary! What a day it has been. And what a night will it be? After days,

this is the first time I’m sleeping back in my bed. The room looks too big to

me, now that Khushi is not here. But I have a piece of her right next to me;

something that might just keep me sane: Her anklet.

Here I am again. Her anklet is in my palms again and as I fist it in my hand,

I can’t hep but reminisce the old times. The times when things were

complicatedly simpler.

Khushi left the anklet in the car earlier today when we were driving to the

hospital to see Payal. Payal… Hmmm how ironic.

I close my eyes and breathe in. I block out every other sense and channel all

my focus on my hand; her anklet. I block out the pain in my shoulder and

my ribs. I block out all the wounds and scratches I received from the spat

tonight and… I sigh. What have become of me? I’m my very own

personalized version of Romeo. Wasn’t life a little easier when all these

emotions… These feelings were alien to me? Because right now, I feel

scared. I’m frightened. What if I forget the way she smells? What if the

sound of her carefree chuckle slips from in between my fingers just like she

did? What if the fog of time hinders my view of her drying her hair in the

morning as she wakes me up? And what if those eyes haunting me in my

dreams? But then there is another possibility… What of the tears in those

eyes always keep me chained? What if I have her memorized forever like the

lyrics of some old song without listening to which I may go for years but the

imprint is still there on my mind? What if I forever hear her clumsy

footsteps as she steps out of the washroom to dry her hair in the morning?

And what if I continue to live with this grief of a child? What if I never plant

my own garden, and decorate my own soul instead of waiting for her to

bring me flowers?

I am scared that she’ll always be here and never be here. I’m scared that this

will always hurt the same. Just the same. Because it hurts. Everytime I

breathe it does, every time the clock ticks its like a pulse of blood behind a

bruise. What if that bruise never heals? What if it just gets deeper with time?

I want her. I want her in my life today because tomorrow’s ground is too

uncertain for plans. And if anything, if anything at all, I want my tomorrow

to be her. I want her today because futures have a way of falling down in

midflight just like my parents… And she doesn’t understand. She would

rather keep me waiting in agony for something I may never find. I may

never find happiness… I may never find Khushi.

Today, she told me things on the road which I knew already about me.

Nothing was a news. But somehow, I had been living in a bubble that

Khushi sees me differently. I was convinced that she looks beyond all those

flaws and through my soul… It hurt again. Not listening those words, but

watching her lips shape those words hurt…

As I sat her in the car and drove to the hospital, I couldn’t help but realize

that she blames me for so much more. Not just that I let her go away. Not

that I pushed her away either. Di, Arshi, Italy… everything was stacked

neatly in piles and my hindsight was clear enough to see them and precieve

them all as my mistakes. But Khushi held me responsible for so much more.

She blames me that she couldn’t enjoy the wedding as well as she wanted to

enjoy her best friend’s wedding. She blames me that Di took Arshi away

from her. She blames me that she can’t be there for her family. Me, me and

just me. If there’s any one villainious twirling his moustache and laughing

evil, it’s me.

Minutes had passed and we were still on the road. I was done with talking.

Done with waiting too. Done with trying to get her as well. I have done all

that I could. I tried my luck at apologizing, hurting myself, waiting outside

her door; literally! Everything that I could do was done. My words had hurt

her. But apparently, my words weren’t healing her now. She looked at me as

a monster. And it was like the clock was reset. We were back to where we

started. She yelled at me. Told me how I had ruined her life. I forced her to

marry me, made her live with me for 6 months, then married her again…

God, all of it was so complicated but I thought, just thought for a second that

we were over it.

I silently drove the car, occasionally dwidling my thumbs. Waiting for her to

say anything. But then I realized, what good would that be? I am done. And

she was done months ago.

“What I said earlier… I didn’t mean it.” Khushi hesitates. But finally starts

talking. And am I relieved?

No. None of it matters. Not anymore.

“No. You did.” I fake a smile. And in my mind I have put 2 and 2 together.

She was right. We can’t coexist.

“I’m sorry that I said all that.” She looked out of the window at the passing

trees.

“I believe that you are sorry. But you shouldn’t be. You were being honest.

You shouldn’t be sorry for your honesty.” I looked at her and assured her

while she looked at me through the mirror.

“Arnav ji, this hasn’t been easy.” She shakes her head.

“I get it. Well, do you want to get anything for Payal? Fruits or something

else?” I change the topic. I’m done making a complete fool of myself. She

doesn’t want to come back, I should respect that. Loving her has nothing to

do with having her…

She sighs.

“May be some flowers.”

“Sure.”

We buy some lilies for Payal.

“How much is it?” I ask her as I fish my wallet.

“No, I got that.” Khushi says.

Okay. She can get it.

I step aside, taking the flowers from the vendor. I put them in the car and

seat myself in the driver’s seat. I watch Khushi as she panics. Her face

clearly tells that she doesn’t have enough money.

I undo my seat belt and pull out some money from my wallet.

“Hey, Khushi! You just dropped some of your money! I found it on the

seat.” I call out to her.

Doubt sweeps.

“I did?” She asks.

“I’d say so.” I shrug.

She walks to me and takes the money with a smile.

We hit the road again and I don’t know what has changed, but I can’t wait to

get to the hospital. To be ith people.

“Thank you.” Khushi’s tiny voice derails the train of my thought.

I look at her, surprised. Thanking me for what?

“I know that wasn’t my money.” She throws her head down and starts

playing with her fingers,

“No problem.” I smile.

I realize the importance of money now. To me, it means nothing. It’s just

paper. To her, it means a lot. Probably the most.

“I promise I’ll return you the money.” She says.

“Okay. Will you make me another promise?” I ask. Hoping that she listens

to me.

“I can try.” She shrugs and her nose turns red.

“Please don’t sale any other organ to return me the money.” I’m being

honest. That would kill me. It already does, a little.

She smiles.

“I promise. Plus, I don’t think there’s any other organ I can sale. And also,

for four hundred rupees, I won’t sale anything.” She smiles at me.

“Four Hundred?” What did I miss? The flowers were hust for hundred.

She nods. “Remember I borrowed 300 for holi colors?”

“What? When?” I honestly can’t remember.

“After the first wedding. Our wedding.” She looks away again.

Oh…

“Our heartbeats become one.” I remember that holi party. I remember

Khushi asked me for three hundred… So this is it… It hit me like a diamond

bullet to the brain: The clock really has been reset.

I wanted to say it’s okay. I wanted to say that she could keep the money. But

then it’s Khushi. And she’s one of a kind.

It was a very long minute before the words appeared like ghosts, slipping

through the trembling gates of the graveyard. “We are here.”

And it felt like my heart was anchored to the knots in my stomach.

_________________________________________

The time at the hospital was relatively better. Khushi was happier and I was

okay too. Payal is now doing well and so is the baby. The doctor’s are

confident that Payal will snap out of the comma by the end of the day.

Which was a great news. None of us other than Aakash are allowed around

the baby for the time being, he’s in a sensitive, protected environment.

Words fail me; it’s just unbelievably good to see Aakash having a family.

The Raizada house, Shantivan, had been silent and dark for ages. And now,

there are three kids in the house with baby lullabies echoing in the hallways

and toys scattered all over the living room. It is a serene mess now. Against

the perfection earlier, I prefer this. And in years to come, it will only get

better. There will be Aarav, Arshi, Aakash’s little champion and may be

even NK’s kids. Happy families with love blooming… But is it going to be

better? Really? Without Khushi, will Aarav and Arshi be okay? Will I be

okay?

The visitors came and went repeatedly. But Bua ji’s family, Aakash, Nani

and Khushi stayed. Aakash was a riddle to all of us right now. He was

giggling a moment as he talked about his son and the very next moment he

has tears pooling in his eyes as he saw Payal. He was in a dilemma and none

of us liked seeing him that way. Our office workers came and went often.

And by the end of the day it looked as if we were sitting in a garden; too

many bouquets. Aakash’s phone never stopped buzzing and I also attended

at least a dozen calls in Payal’s room. All of us were waiting for Payal to

wake up as another visitor entered the room.

“Greetings.” The tall man says. He is carrying a huge basket of flowers and

behind him are two boys, may be his workers, wo are carrying more baskets

full of fruits and juices.

I recognized that man. It was Mr.Sharma. An old companion. The one

Khushi just recently worked with.

“Mr. Sharma.” I stand up and nod in his direction.

And as I say the words, Khushi darts up from her seat right next to Payal.

What’s up with her?

“Raizadas. Mrs. Raizada.” He nods again towards Aakash and me and then

Khushi.

Aakash comes forward to shake hands with him.

“That is thoroughly generous of you.” Aakash gestures towards the baskets.

“We appreciate the gesture.” I offer my hand to him with a smile. He takes

my hand and we shake hands.

“How is the baby doing now? I heard about your wife, Mr. Raizada. I know

for sure she will get better soon.” Mr.Sharma says to Aakash.

“That’s what we’re hoping for. Thank you, Mr.Sharma. The baby is fine.

God has been kind.” Aakash replies with a smile.

“Relieved.” Mr.Sharma answers.

For the next couple of minutes Mr.Sharma stays with us. He asked me about

the business and the Italy projects. As I answered him and inquired about his

life, I noticed Khushi’s unease. She was uncomfortable sitting there.

“Excuse me?” I politely ask Mr.Sharma. And he smiles.

I wave my hand to Nani quietly who walks up to me right away.

“Yes?” She asks.

“Ask Khushi if she’s okay, please? She doesn’t look very well to me.” I try

and fail at hiding my concern for her. May be because it was not just my

hand she had held, it was soul she had chained.

“That’s her sister on the bed, Chote. What else do you expect?” Nani ruffles

my hair.

“No, that’s not what I meant. She was just about fine… It’s only recently I

sense her discomfort.” I shrug.

Nani nods at me.

“I’ll ask her.” She smiles.

“Don’t tell her that I asked you.” I drop my head down.

Just this afternoon, I was so sure that I was almost over Khushi. I decided

that I was done trying to have her. I was done chasing after her. And here I

was… Worrying just like always.

Nani nods again and walks up to Khushi. Khushi looks up at her and just

smiles, shaking her head in a ‘no’.

“Your wife, Mr. Raizada, is a real talent. She is a delightful person.” Mr.

Sharma speaks up as he walks up to me.

“Oh, yes.” I smile at him.

“You picked a real winner.” Mr.Sharma smirks at me. And I smirk back at

him. I did pick a real winner. And then I lost her. Losing her was no event or

occasion, it didn’t happen just once. It was something that happened to me

daily. Everytime I walk in to my house, I see her walking and chirping and

dancing. And then it dawns upon me; I’ve lost her. Everytime I look at the

Salman Khan poster, everytime I look at the poolside, everytime I discover

her old colthes in the laundry pile… I lose her all over again.

I lose her everytime I think of kissing her, holding her and wanting her. I go

to bed at night and I lose her, when I wish I could tell her about my day. And

in the morning too, when I wake and reach for the empty space across the

sheets, I begin to lose her again. I lose her. She’s sitting right in front of me

and images from the past fill my mind and I lose her…

“Well, I should get going.” Mr. Sharma announces.

Aakash and I hold our hands out to him to bid him farewell.

“I was hoping we could talk?” Khushi stands up and faces Mr.Sharma.

“Oh sure. Right now, Mrs.Raizada?” He asks.

May be she wants to talk about the job? She should. He pays her well. She

should definitely take the job.

“I’ll be right across the hallway.” Khushi tells me.

“Sure.” I answer.

“After you, Mrs. Raizada.” Mr.Sharma gestures with his hand.

And both of them leave. And as soon as she is out of my sight, I begin to

panic.

Come on, ASR! She’s not a baby. She will do just fine on her own.

Yeah may be she will.

May be, she won’t…

But if I go, she will never take the job knowing that Mr.Sharma gave it to

her under my influence. But I can’t just stand here.

Come on! Get over it! She will do just fine. I have seen it for myself. 2

weeks outside her door and nothing happened. Why the hell am I thinking

that way?

Diary, I have no idea what came over me.

“Aakash, I’m going to have some tea. Do you need anything?” I ask Aakash

who in response just shakes her head.

“Bua ji?”I ask her.

“Thank you, son. We are fine.” Bua ji smiles at me.

And it is a relief to see that after all that has happened between me and

Khushi, Bua ji has not changed the way she looks at me.

I exit the room and walk to the counter of the shop just by the end of the

hallway. I was pouring myself some tea as I picked up Khushi and

Mr.Sharma talking. They were sitting in the dining area of the hospital shop

I was buying the tea from.

I should go. I should not eavesdrop. And as I turned to leave I heard

something.

“You should be glad, I din’t press charges on you, Mrs. Raizada!”

“That threat works both ways.” Khushi answers.

“Oh it does? Angry little thing, why are you asking, no begging me for the

job then?”

“That has nothing to do with that. You will pay me against my work.”

Khushi is too calm as she says that.

“And why will I hire you? After what you did that night?” Mr.Sharma asks

her.

What night? What happened? What did I miss?

“You are lucky that I never even told my husband. As you would know, he

has his own way with the things.” Khushi threatens him.

Khushi will never do that. Why is she doing this?

“You wounded my head!” Mr.Sharma almost screams.

“No! I wounded your ego.” Khushi calmly says.

“There’s no way I am hiring you.” Mr.Sharma says.

“Well if that’s the case, I will have to press charges against you.” Khushi

says.

“No you wouldn’t do that. And if you do, you’ll lose. And Mrs. Raizada, I

made you bleed that night, I can do that again.”

Khushi stands up.

“Mr.Sharma, what a coincidence. That threat,too, works both ways.”

“You have no idea what you’re up against.” Mr.Sharma threatens her. How

dare he!

“Actually, I have nothing to lose.” Khushi shrugs and starts walking towards

the room. She walks past me without noticing. And Mr.Sharma too, leaves.

Khushi takes a few steps and then stops. She stays there frozen for a while

and then slowy turns to face me.

“Arnav ji” Her pupils dilate.

“Come here.” I call out.

“Jiji…” She stammers.

“Come here.” I call out again. This time walking to the same dining area she

was sitting earlier. I pull out the seat for her.

She walks to the seats and quietly sits. I unbutton my coat and sit right in

front of her.

“Arnav ji, I’m so sorry. I should’ve told you. I am so sorry!” She turns red

and her shoulders are crouched upwards. Her body is tense.

“Yes, you should’ve. Tell me now.” I am barely holding it together. She has

been hiding God knows what from me and right now, I just don’t want to be

angry at her.

“There’s nothing really to tell.” She tries to ignore the talk.

I say nothing. I just feel electricity flowing through my body and blood

rushing to my face. I sip my tea and atch intently at her.

I wait for her to start talking.

And then she tells me the whole story.

“That cut on your face?” I ask, merely in a whisper.

She nods.

“Okay.”

“Please, Arnav ji. Let it go. It’s past now.”

“Khushi, just stop!” I yell at her.

“No! You stop!” She yells back.

“Khushi, as your husband, it’s my job to protect you! And you could’ve

been a little honest with me! And if not that, at least you should’ve tried not

being totally absurd and begging him for the job again! How can you not

care for yourself at all?” I didn’t want to, but it was an impulse. I was

holding her hand on the table.

“I should’ve been honest. But I didn’t want to disturb you. You were in

Italy.”

“Physically I was! I could’ve been there for you emotionally!”

“Be honest. Would have you not just returned right away if I told you?”

“I would have! No questions! No second thoughts! What I don’t understand

is why wouldn’t you want that? You didn’t want me?” I scream at her.

“I did! But you left! You knew I need you but you went to Italy! Our

daughter barely knows her father and you left! You left Arnav ji, I didn’t

push you!”

“Khushi, don’t try to equate two different things!” I scold her and then feel

guilty.

“Khushi, I have made mistakes. And so have you. The only difference is that

I want to live in the future and you’re still living in the past!”

“Why would I not live in the past? You were there with me in the past.

That’s the place I’d rather be.” She starts to cry.

“We can be together in the future too. You just have to give it a chance.” I

hold both of her hands with mine.

“I can’t. That pain, I can’t take it again. It’s too much.” She rejects me again.

“Okay. Go inside to the family. I need to go.” I stand up and button my coat.

“Where.” She asks with teary eyes.

“Sorry, I don’t owe you any explainations or any answers. Not anymore.”

I pace out of the hospital and get into the car.

I drive straight to Sharma’s office.

Chapter 22: “Harbor”

Pinky, I’ve had enough of drama to last for a lifetime. There’s just so much

happening these days. Good news first, Jiji woke up! Daivi Maiyyan! So

relieved. Finally, one good thing happened this week. After my ridiculous

behavior with Arnav ji yesterday, I thought this might get my mind off

things. He definitely didn’t deserve my outburst. I should apologize. I mean

I did but he had taken my words too seriously… I can’t blame him for that at

least. I have taken his words seriously, and now he has taken mine. And I

guess that’s only fair. I met Di this morning, she told me how Arnav ji had a

spat with Mr.Sharma due to unknown reasons. Frankly, Pinky, I’m not

surprised. I always knew Arnav ji would do something of the kind. Which is

why in the first place I never told him about what Mr.Sharma did. Di told me

that he’s been quiet about everything.

“What do you mean ‘Quiet’?” I asked her.

“You know… He doesn’t talk to me anymore.” Di shrugged.

“Oh.” That isn’t a surprise either.

“Khushi ji. I am so sorry. It’s very selfish of me but I can’t let the kids go

away.”

I nod. I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to say anything.

“Where’s Arshi?” I ask her.

“Home. With Nani. And Aarav too.” She smiles.

“Thanks.” That’s all. We didn’t talk much. She couldn’t because she was

guity. And I couldn’t because I don’t want to hate her. The more time I’ll

spend with her or think about her, the more will I think about wht has

happened…

“Arjun.” Jiji had answered when I ask her what was she going to name the

baby.

“That’s a very nice name! Who thought of it?” I ask her.

“Aarav did.” She smiled weakly.

“What?” I am surprised.

“He was watching ‘Pardes’ the other day. You know about his latest Shah

Rukh Khan obsession don’t you?” She smirked.

“Oh yes! You could name him Salman you know.” I laugh.

“I’ve never understood why you like him.” Jiji laughed too. Her voice was

weak and strained but it still chimed. And that sound, I loved.

“Another ASR?” I wink at her.

“Another ASR” She agrees and kisses Arjun’s forehead.

“Khushi, about Arnav ji…-” I interrupt her midsentence as she starts.

“No. Not going there, Jiji. Today’s about you.” I hug Jiji and Arjun. Arjun

has to be the cutest baby ever!

“Khushi there’s no point trying to run away from it when you can’t.” She

tries to reason.

“Jiji, please.” I extend my arms forward and she places tiny little Arjun in

my arms. Oh how cute!

“Khushi, listen to me! You are his wife! You have a responsibility towards

him.”

“And he doesn’t?” I ask her.

“He does. And frankly, Khushi, I’m at his side. He has done everything he

could and possibly even more that he should!”

“Jiji, this is no war.” I try to busy myself with the baby.

“Then stop making it look like one!”

“I’m not -” She interrupts me this time.

“No! Listen to me. He is a great great guy and he loves you! You may not

see that right now but trust me if you let things be, somebody else will. And

you don’t cry then! Why are you being so childish?” She is so irritated. Is it

the medicines?

“Di, you’ve had a lot of medicines… I can come by some other time.” I

offer, not wanting to leave…

“Khushi, sit here. Listen to me… You’re my sister, I want what’s best for

you.”

“And I want what’s best for the kids!”

“Staying away from their mother is anything but that!”

“I can’t feed them.”

“You can’t. But why don’t use just get this one thing through your thick

skull that this is not a war just likeyou said!”

“Thick skull? I don’t think the bone density of my head is anywhere denser

than that of my remaining body.” I try to joke but end up annoying her.

“Khushi! You are his wife!”

“Okay, so let’s change that!”

“What?”

What? WHAT? I said what? Oh God! I don’t want that…

“Khushi! Marriage is no joke! And neither is divorce! Snap out of it!” Jiji

scolds me.

Did I really just say that? Do I really want a divorce?

May be it’s not that bad of an idea. It would set him off the hook. He could

finally move on, settle with another girl. The kids will get a mother too…

That makes sense. But it stings. Its like someone is twisting a knife in my

chest. And that pain… that pain is the proof that divorce is the right choice.

“I get it.” I whisper and place Arjun back in Jiji’s arms.

“So?” She looks at me…

“Divorce.” Tears fill my eyes.

“What! No!” Jiji protests.

“I want what’s the best…” I get up and pour myself a glass of water and sip

it. It burns my throat. My insides are already on fire with this decision.

“Khushi! Just don’t…! There’s no rush!”

“Actually, there is.” I breathe. The faster this happens the better it is. Arnav

ji deserves a good nice girl who makes him forget me. The faster I set him

free, the closer he wil get to that girl.

“Khushi, please…” Jiji begins again.

“I’ll send Jija ji in.” I dismiss and walk out of the room.

___________________________________

Two hours have passed. ‘Khushi Kumari Gupta’ the name sounds so

incomplete. Like it has never meant to be like this, just this.

‘Stop thinking, Khushi!’ It will drive you crazy. The decision has been

made. I let out a huge sigh and hold my purse. Lock the door and leave the

room. I prefer to walk for as far as I can. It will give me something to do.

‘Come on, Khushi. Just put one foot ahead of the other. Just walk. Reach

Shantivan and let things be. Let the words come out as they do. Just let

things be.’

To escape my head I begin to count my steps. After exactly 2074 steps, I

give up. I sit down on the side of the road and hold my head in my hands.

My whole life is going to change in sometime. Do I want that?

For myself, no. I would never want that. There has to be the door open, even

if just a little. I have to let his light enter my life. Just a little.

But if that door stays open, the possibility remains. He might never move on,

he might never feel happy again…

Just as I sit and look at the cars pass by, I watch a desperate young boy

selling bangles.

He stopped at every car, knocked at the window and begged the people to

buy the bangles. Many turned him down while two boys bought bangles.

The signal went green and he came exhausted to sit next to.

“Hello.” I flash my widest smile at him. May be this will make him feel

better?

“Hi.” He says, not so enthusiastically.

“Bad day?” I ask.

“Bad life.” He shrugs.

“Oh come on! You have barely lived. You have to grow up, do the greatness

you’re destined to do.” I ruffle his hair. He reminds me so much of Aarav.

“Greatness? I sell bangles.” He shrugs.

“So? I stitch clothes.” I smile at him again.

“I sleep here. On the road. With my mother. It is uncomfortable.” He begins

to count his money. Handful of pennies.

“I sleep in a room with no bed… uncomfortably.” I shrug.

“But at leat you’re pretty.” He sighs.

“And so are you.” I clean his face with my dupatta. All the dirt comes off.

He smiles. “What’s your name?”

I put my arm around his shoulders. “Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada.”

It comes out involuntarily.

“That’s a long name.” He laughs.

“What’s yours?” I ask him.

“It’s Samar.”

“That’s a very beautiful name!”

“Yeah. Do you want bangles?” He asks.

“Sure. I love bangles!” I just hope I will have enough money.

“See. These will look good on you.” He shows me the bangles.

“These will look the best.” He beams at me as he extends red and silver

bangles towards me.

Arnav ji brought be red bangles too. Long ago. I remember back then he was

struggling to name our love. Hmmm, our love…

And then there are siver bangles. Silver. I remember what he said while

taking of my silver bangles from the night before our wedding. ‘I won’t be

able to live without you.’

And I had promised I won’t go anymore.

Red and silver. They go together so well. It’s a nice combination.

“Will you buy these?” He asks me.

I’m still immersed in my thoughts… ‘I won’t be able to live without you.’

‘Before you, my life had no direction.’

‘Because I love you, damn it!’

‘Dadi, I don’t want to go anywhere Khushi can’t go. I’ll listen from the

outside.’

‘You can’t hit her, Bua ji! She is my wife. In the society I live, she is called

Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada’

‘Do my feelings, my emotions don’t matter at all?”

“Yes!” They do. Your feelings, your emotions, your decisions, your words,

your thoughts, your choices… They matter! YOU matter!

“You’ll buy these! Best day ever!” Samar exclaims.

“Best day ever.” I agree with him. And I let it go. The anger, the frustration,

the wrath, the pain, the bitterness, the rage, the rant… And as I do, a weight

lifts off my chest. A fog disappears from eyes and I see the world clearly.

After months, I hear the birds chirp. It took me months to just realize that his

love matters to me the most. By trying to punish him, I’m only setting

myself apart. Who said it was going to be easy? It would be such a shame

for us to part… It’s him. Arnav Singh Raizada. He makes mistakes. But

don’t we all?

Didn’t I?

“That would be Rs60” Samar tells me.

That’s a price too less. If I have to sacrifice a little part of my personality,

it’s a price too less. What good is standing up for myself if I stand without

him and against him? If I stand alone?

I open my purse and fish out the money. I finally find 60 and give it to him.

“Thank you, Khushi Baji!” He kisses my hand.

And I kiss his forehead… Unknowingly, he has put everything in my ife to

perspective.

“Samar, see the signa went red. Run! Make money. And make the most of

the day. I have to go home to my family right now. But I will be back!

Tomorrow! Same time, Samar. Exactly here. Please. Meet me tomorrow.” I

am suddenly in a hurry.

“Why?” He asks confused.

“You’ll see how life can change, Samar. Promise me you’ll meet me here?”

I ask him anxiously.

“I promise.” He smiles.

“Good. Now stick to your words okay?” I kiss his forehead again. There is a

strange bond I feel with him. Or may be I have missed Aarav so much that I

channel all that out this way?

“I always keep my promises.” He proudly says.

“So do I” I turn and run. I witness this newly found energy and will. I exert

both to run! I forget to count the steps this time. This time thye motivation is

my direction: Arnav ji.

‘Run!’ I remind myself as I get tired. But the house is too far away.

Daivi Maiyyan! Help me!

I open my eyes after saying the prayer and see a white car stopped right next

to me. It’s a car I recognize!

“Khushi ji! Who are you running from?” It’s Jija ji.

“Where are you going?” I ask him. Ignoring his queries.

“Home. What is going on?” He asks concerned.

“Lift?” I ask him frantically.

“Sure. Get inside.” He is still confused.

As I set and fasten the seatbelt, he eyes me questioningly.

“Who are you running from?” He asks as he speeds up the car.

“The mess! The past. All my mistakes and all my insecurities…” I answer

him as I try to catch my breath.

“Seriously? Just… those things are you running from?” He asks.

And I nod.

He slows down the car and takes the turn back to the market.

“Stay.” He instructs.

And I do as he said. I stay there and try to catch my breath. In no time, he is

back. With a bottle of juice in his hand.

“Drink up. It looks like you can drink some.” He says politely

“Thank you, Jija ji…” I take the bottle and take a sip. Oh I did need it!

“No problem.” He smiles and starts driving again. This time, to home. And

my heart starts to beat fast. Home… Home and not house. Wow.

“Not just for this.” I hold out the bottle. “For everything. Everything you did

for Jiji and me. Thank you.” I complete the sentence.

“Ummm, I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about. But let me just ask,

big day?” He looks at me expecting the answer Jiji had wanted to listen to

too.

“Big day.” I smile and blush.

His pupils widen. “THE big day?” He confirms

“THE big day” I laugh.

“I’ll drive faster” He laughs too.

Two minutes pass in silence and here we are. Parked in the Raizada House;

Shantivan.

“Run now!” Jija ji smiles.

I recite Gayatri Mantr internally and sigh.

“On it!” I tell Jija ji and run.

I open the doors and run. In the living room, I see Nani. I just say hello but

don’t stop. I run up the stairs and without taking a beat to catch my breath I

swing open the doors of my room and remember.

‘You don’t need to ask when you enter your own room’ Arnav ji had said

that just weeks ago.

I look around for him. He’s not here. I check the bathroom and he’s not there

either. Where is Raizada!

I reach the door to exit and look for him else where when I register the

change in the room. There is a whole line of bags. Luggage. Five back bags

in a row.

Tears pool in my eyes as I recall myself telling him that India is too small

for us to coexist. The weight had just lifted off, Pinky. I can’t handle it

returning.

I am almost out of the room when my heart starts to beat faster than it

should.

“Arnav ji.” I breathe.

I turn back and look for him again. Poolside! He must be there.

I walk to the pool and there he stands. Sternly. His hands in his pockets, his

face expressionless. He is staring into oblivion. Nothingness is dripping off

his face.

Finally. I see him.

I hold my knees with my hands and stay there crouched a few strides away

from him. He says nothing.

“Hi” I say after a few minutes.

“Hi” He is still looking away.

“I.. have come… runn-nning.” I am out of breath.

“Can tell.” He still doesn’t look at me.

“I came down to talk. It’s important.” I try to soothe the breathing down.

“What is it?” He looks at me. Finally!

“I wanted to… well, I saw the bags…” I change the subject. I don’t quite

know what to say.

“Yeah.” He shrugs.

What? He’s leaving? Well, I did tell him that we can’t coexist. I hate my

smartmouth right now. So much!

“No… no, just listen. I have been thinking and I just thought that after

everything that has happened…” I stop again. What the! Why can’t I just say

it already? This is annoying!

“And?” He looks at me with absolutely no emotion.

What is happening? What changed?

“And… I have decided…” I stop again.

“You’d have to say it!” Arnav ji is… mad. Why?

“I just thought that considering all things…” Again? Why can’t I just say

it!?

“Say it.”

“It’s just that…” I can’t say it!

“Sit.” He orders and I oblige. He is I don’t know why, in his CEO mode. I

don’t want to mess things up. It has taken me months to look at him the way

I do right now. I can’t mess with that.

“Arnav ji, the thing is that…”

“Years with you, Khushi. Dozens of ups and downs! Pain and doubt and

what not! All this time Khushi, I don’t recall having an argument serious

enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but never divorce! Never!” He

knows.

He doesn’t know actually. How does he know? How can he not know?

Too much.

“You’d have to say it.” He looks away again.

I am stunned actually. My wits are scattered.

“Ask for it yourself.” He stands up and shuts the door.

He comes up to me again.

“Say it. I’m waiting.” He says cooly. His voice is too cold.

“Arnav ji…” I begin again but fail yet again.

“Khushi. We don’t have all day!”

He’s leaving. He probably has a flight to catch.

Carpe Diem, Khushi! Sieze the day.

I take a deep breath and stand up. I clear my throat and walk up to him till

I’m standing just next to him.

“I’m… trying to tell you… that I want to come clean. I tried everything in

my power and still, you mean more than you should mean. And after

everything… I am willing to be! No, I want to be… the one that you put on

the pedestal… The one that you see in your dreams. The one who knows

your true self. And the one you want to please. And I know… I know… I’m

probably too late. Just know that I never wanted to fix you or change you. I

just wanted to get my way. But… you’re the one. You make me believe, you

make me feel complete. You make me strong and you give me hope. I love

you, Arnav ji. You have a hold on my heart that I could not break even when

I wanted to. It has been… overwhelming and humbling. But I can not stop

loving you anymore than I can stop breathing! So please! Please, put me on

the pedestal. Give me all your love and return me myself. Dream about me

and trust me again with your true self. Arnav ji, please!” I let it all out at

once. Not knowing how much time I have got. I just didn’t want any regrets

for later. No wishing.

He stays there still. He is blinking but not saying anything. He is in a state or

something. He just stands there. Says nothing.

“I love you, Arnav ji. I always have. The Mannat Key that I gave you the

first time we met? Was the key to all my love. Arnav ji?”

I stand there. Still. Waiting for answer. It’s strange. Tears are not stopping.

And he is not moving.

“I now expect that you kiss me and take me back.” I smile through the tears.

“I love you.” It is all he says. His brows touch other and it looks like he is

frowning, but he is not. He has this new expression I can’t read.

He comes closer to me and carefully places his right hand under my left ear

and his left hand on my right cheek. He just rests his hands there carefully.

His touch is hesitant. And the feeling I get from his touch is so familiar.

He rests his forehead against mine and breathes. Just breathes. His hands are

static. Then ever so slowly, he brushes his lips against mine.

Just brushes. Feather light.

“I love you.” He says again.

I nod. Having no idea what this means. Is he taking me back? Or biding me

a farewell?

“Please. Stay. Don’t move back to Italy. Stay here.”

I fist my hands in his hair and bring him closer. Why is he so hesitant? So

unsure? That not much like him.

“Okay.” He simply says.

“Be serious please!” I have to make sure.

“I am.”

“Italy?” I ask him. He has his eyes closed. He is in pain. I have not seen him

like this ever again… What is eating him?

“Italy?” He asks me.

“Italy” I ask again.

“Great food. But no.” He shyly smiles.

Then carefully, and slowly… He envelops me in his arms and just holds me.

Does nothing. He just holds me without moving or saying anything.

And all things given, I might not be able to say to Samar tomorrow that my

nights are uncomfortable too. Because as he held me, I realize that this is

comfort in itself. He is my harbor.

Chapter 23

Arnav’s Diary

“Great food. But no.” I reply. How do I tell you this Khushi? I don’t have

the strength to go back to that Italy life again. That life just doesn’t have

happiness. No Khushi.

And these bags, aren’t mine. These are NK and Lavanya’s. I don’t know if

seeing these bags made her come back or was it me? My love? Our family?

And I’m scared to know the answer. Yes, I am scared. There was a time

when nothing scared me. I had lost everything that had any power over me.

But as Khushi came in my life, my life got a new dimension. I began to

breathe; never inhaled and exhaled anymore.

I am scared. And I am worried. There she stands in front of me, after months

and months of pain. What do I do now? She is here. What next?

She looks like my Khushi, but doesn’t. She is so new. Almost like a

stranger.

I jerk my thoughts away and carefully encase my arms around her. My

heartbeat is frantic. And it feels good. As I hold her, I can’t help but think of

all those times I missed her. Earlier today in the hospital when I overheard

that she was going to ask for a divorce, my universe just fell apart. Diary,

words deluded and the sun set. Now, though, it looks like I might finally get

to see some light.

I don’t know what to say. And I don’t think words are needed. As I hug her,

the wounds that Sharma gave to me don’t hurt. Instead the wounds that

Khushi gave to me, the wounds that I inflicted upon myself, begin to heal.

__________________________________

“Chote, How’re you?” Di asks as I disconnect a call from the office.

I choose not to answer. I’m sorry to say but she disgusts me. Of late, I can’t

stand being near her, or even looking at her. This is not the person I

promised to cherish and protect all my life when mom and dad left. She is

some other person who has selfishness fowing in her veins. She is the person

who tore a daughter and a son from their mother knowing how it feels as

both of us have been those kids. Why would she do anything so

monumentally selfish? She is my elder sister, my only sister… And siblings

don’t do that to their siblings. There is Khushi and Payal. Both of them will

do anything for eachother. I have seen how Khushi gave everything up for

Payal and I have seen how Payal’s insticncts are always to protect Khushi.

There are them and then there is my Di. I did everything for her. Everything

justifiable and not justiable too.

Her choices have most of the times been bad. She chose a person who

almost killed me. And then chose to do something that almost killed a

mother; Khushi.

What is it with you Di? Why can’t you just go back to what you were? That

sweet innocent girl to whom being righteous was most important. I am the

one who makes the wrong choices. She is supposed to be the hero.

“Chote, I’m talking to you.” Di tries once more, sternly this time.

“I’m well aware of that.” I quietly say and begin to climb the stairs up my

room.

“Chote, stop it! Now!” She calls out.

“Di, I don’t have time for this. Khushi is back.” I inform her and continue to

climb the stairs.

“Oh. She is?” She asks in disbelief.

“Yeah. It sucks,no?” I throw my words at her and leave.

“Chote!” She yells.

Trust me, diary. This is not my Di. Had she been my Di, I would’ve never

done what I just did.

I enter the room and shut the door behind me. I close my eyes and sigh.

Dear God, listen. Please give me back my sister.

“You okay?” Khushi asks.

I open my eyes and see her sitting on the bed. Just like old times. She has

Arshi in her lap. She looks like a mother. And she is glowing.

“Yes. You?” I walk up to her.

She nods.

“You had a brawl with Mr.Sharma…” She begins

I nod. And she nods too.

“Does it hurt?” She asks. And for a second, my eyes lock with hers. And

then I look away. I don’t know why. But she is here after a while, it may

take some time.

“Not anymore.” I honestly say.

It really doesn’t. All those cold nights are now almost forgotten. But their

ends are still on fire. Does it bother me? No. The fog has finally lifted and I

see everything clearly but that fire distracts me a little. I see it with the

corner of my eyes.

She holds my hand silently.

“She is so pretty.” She is looking at Arshi who’s sleeping soundly in her lap.

At last, the baby girl is at peace too.

“Prettiest.” I agree with her.

“I almost forgot how she looked like.” Her brows touch each other and her

forehead creases. And she holds my hand tighter.

“You never will again. I promise.” I lift her chin up and make her look at

me. “I promise.” I repeat.

She nods. “I heard you and Di talk.”

“Okay.” I don’t really want to talk about her.

“Don’t. Don’t be so cold and callous to her.” She begs.

“Okay.” I dismissingly say.

“Please, Arnav ji.” She begs again.

“Okay.” I can’t forgive her for what she has done. She punished me for

marrying Khushi for 6 months! She didn’t talk to me for weeks! And now,

she practically ripped the same Khushi’s heart out?

Khushi can have a big enough heart to forgive her. I don’t.

“You don’t want to talk about this…” Khushi implies.

I nod again. And so does she.

She hands me Arshi.

“Hold her. I’ll be back in the morning.” She smiles.

“Morning? What?!” WHAT!?

“I’m going to my place for the night. I have to sew a little. The consignment

is due tomorrow. I’ll be back. I promise.” She kisses the tip of Arshi’s nose.

“No, wait!” I put Arshi down on the bed and turn to talk to her.

“I don’t like this. You don’t have to work anymore. Stay here. Please” I hold

both of her hands and press my forehead to hers.

She sighs. She rubs her forehead against mine and then stills.

“I promised her I will deliver the clothes by morning. It’s just one night.”

She shrugs.

“Another night” I correct her and she smiles.

“I’ll see you in the morning.” She slides her hands out of mine and takes a

step back.

“I don’t like this.” I say again.

“Neither do I.” She smiles and begins to walk away. And as she reaches the

door, I stop her.

“Stop.” I call out.

She turns her face to me. This is the starting of our relationship. A fresh

start. I have been lucky. I have to tell her.

“These bags… Aren’t mine. They are NK and Lavanya’s. They are back and

out for some more lone time. They hid their bags in my room so that no one

could see.”

“Oh… So you weren’t going to Italy?” She asks.

“No. And I just realized that you deserve to know. If seeing these bags

changed your mind, I’d understand if you don’t want to come back in the

morning.” I drop my head.

She walks up to me and takes Arshi in her arms.

“Come. Drive me to my place.” She smiles.

I beam. So, it was me and my love that brought her back!

“I’d love that.” Saying that I collect my car keys and follow her.

The jouney to her place was short. Too short. Now that things are getting

back to normal, no measure of time with her is long enough.

“Here.” She places something on the dash board that I can’t see.

“What is it?” I ask her. Keeping my eyes on the road.

“Spare key to my place.”

“Thanks. We won’t be needing that place now, Khushi. Would we be?” I ask

her.

“No. This is just to tell you, that I will be back in the morning. Whatever

makes you think otherwise…” She smiles.

“Oh. Okay.” And I smile too.

“You can keep Arshi with you tonight. She is your daughter.” I tell her that

she has the say in the matter. Di never had and never will.

“No. Take her back to Di. Di must be worrying.”

I roll my eyes.

“And anyways, my place is not good enough for my princess.” She kisses

her forehead.

And we reach her place. I park the car and help my girls out of the car.

“If it was good enough for my queen, it is good enough for my princess.” I

assure her and she blushes.

Pink nose! How I’ve missed it!

“Thank you. But no. Take her. I’ll join you in the morning. As soon as I

can.” She blushes deeper.

“I’d be waiting.” I tell her.

“I know.” She turns around and leaves.

“See? Mommy will be back tomorrow. Finally!” I kiss Arshi’s lips lightly.

I put her in the pram and drive to the hospital. I meet Payal and Arjun and

Aakash. Arshi wakes up and plays with Arjun. He’s finally healthy and

tonight is the night I have seen genuine smiles. Aakash’s and Arshi’s smile

when they say Arjun smile. Payal’s smile when I told her Khushi was back.

And of course, Khushi’s smile as she held Arshi.

“Aakash, are you going to go home tonight?” I ask him.

“Yes Bhai, just leaving in a few minutes. Have to pick up Payal’s clothes

and Di up. Why?” He asks.

“Take her.” I hand her Arshi who is smiling and looks like a ruby.

“Sure.”

“Drop her off at Shantivan. I’ll be at Khushi’s tonight.” I smile. And I

assume that my smile is a genuine smile too.

“Okay. Do you need anything? He asks as he plays with Arshi.

“Just a hug.” I smile and hug him.

“Arshi, Aarav and Arjun Singh Raizada… Our kids.” Payal smiles. A

genuine smile.

“Our kids.” I agree.

“I must get going now. And give this to Aarav please.” I hand Aakash a big

bar of chocolate.

It is our thing. He waters the plants for me and I pay him in chocolate.

________________________________

I used the key, the authority she had just given me. And entered the flat at

about 2 am. Her room is a mess. Pieces of fabric everywhere. Other than

that, I can’t focus on anything. It’s too dark. She is hugging a pillow and

sleeping soundly. I slip my socks and shoes off and lie down next to her.

There is so little space, but I adjust somehow. She is facing the wall and I

am facing her back. Keeping a distance, I close my eyes and drift into a

sound sleep.

How long has it been? Too long. Sleeping watching Khushi is the best thing.

The peace it brings is indecribable.

_____________________________________

Oh my back hurts. What time is it? What place is this?

Oh! Khushi’s flat! It’s 5 in he morning and she’s still sleeping. She is facing

me now and sleeping. I sense color and peace in her dreams. Of course.

What woke me up? Oh, the cold. But if I move, Khushi wakes up. I just lay

there and wait for to wake up.

I can watch her sleep all my life. And after almost twenty minutes of

reminiscing and recalling, she moves.

She pulls the sheets closer to her hug the pillow tighter. Then ever so slowly,

she opens her eyes.

She looks at me, sighs and then closes her eyes again.

“Another dream” She sighs.

What? Hahahaha she think’s I’m not real!

She moves again and accidently hits my head with her arm.

“Owh!” I protest.

“Daivi Maiyyan!” She panics.

“Stop hitting me. I’m your husband, want to kill me and turn into a widow?”

I joke.

She is staring at me while I gaze at her.

She pinches me.

“What the!?”

The she starts to poke me.

“Khushi!”

“Are you really here?” She asks.

“I’d say so.” I reply.

“Why?” She asks with disbelief.

“What do you mean why?”

“Why are you here?” She asks in a louder voice.

“Well, I- I just wanted to make sure the key worked.” I smile.

“Oh.” She puts all her weight on her elbow.

“Yeah.” As I say that, she falls back to he bed.

Minutes pass and none of us say anything.

“Why did you leave the house?” I ask her.

“Why didn’t you stop me?” She asks me.

“Why would I stop you?”

“Then why would I stop?”

“You said I was hopeless!”

“You said I was a bad wife!”

“You didn’t tell me aboutr Sharma!”

“You went to Italy!”

“You didn’t come to see me off!”

“You forgot my birthday!”

“You left Italy too soon!”

“You didn’t wear the suit I bought you!”

“It’s blue!”

“So?”

“I don’t like blue!”

“And I don’t like you!”

“You did not just say that!”

“Oh, I did, Sanka Devi!”

“Don’t call me that!”

“Call you what then? Chamkili?”

“You LAAD GOVERNOR!”

“Come on! Did you just call me that?”

“Oh, I did Megalomaniac CEO of AR Designs!”

I get closer to her hold her neck.

“Say it again!”

She laughs.

“Laad Governor Megalomaniac CEO of AR Designs!”

“Look at you! Madam Seamstress!”

“You are in my house right now!”

“Let’s fight in my house then” I smirk.

“You Laad Governor! Leave! Right now.”

“I won’t leave”

“You will! Now!”

“Are you asking me to leave the house?”

“Yes I am! You did too remember?”

“Why didn’t you slap me and knock some sense into me?”

“Slap you?”

“It wouldn’t have been your first slap to me!”

“I will slap you next time you say that!”

“I will kill you if you don’t!”

“Did you just threaten me?”

“I sure as hell did!”

“Go do other things!”

“Like what?” I laugh at her. This conversation, as breathless as it was,

And then she kisses me. She holds my face and pours all her love in that kiss

as her concern whispers her pain and glee against my lips.

Then she lets go and I see that she is blushing. I can’t stop laughing!

“So, you wanted to do this?” I tease her.

“I love you. And I love you even more after knowing that you never gave up

on me.”

And then I slap her lightly, playfully.

“What the!?” She asks.

“That’s for not slapping me!” I fist my hand in her hair at the nape of her

neck.

She kisses me again, taking me by surprise.

“This is for all the nights you spent outside in your car.”

I kiss her then, soundly and chastely. Leaving her breathless.

“This is for all the nights you missed your kids.”

“And you.” She adds.

I kiss her again. This time lightly.

“This is for coming back to me.”

And she has tears in her eyes. And then I slap myself.

“What!?” She screams.

“This is for making you cry.”

And then she punches my chest.

“Owh!”

“You don’t slap yourself next time okay?”

She dashes her tears away and we kiss.

Every love story has obstacles. That make both people realize whether what

they have is worth fighting for.

And what we had, was worth dying and then regenerating to die again.