10 ALTERNATIVES TO TIME OUT

Malkah Bird, MEd malkahbird@parentingwithyou.org

Discipline vs. Punishment

¨  Teaching ¨  Responsive ¨  Relationship-building ¨  Promotes self-control ¨  Cooperative ¨  Long-term outcomes

¨  Controlling/fear-based

¨  Reactive ¨  Relationship-damaging ¨  Relies on external

controls ¨  Coercive ¨  Short-term outcomes

(maybe)

The Problems with TIME OUT

¨  In a brain scan relational pain looks the same as physical pain

¨  Mistakes Isolation ¨  Anger causes lower-level brain function (reptilian) ¨  Dysregulation ¨  No opportunity to problem solve ¨  Don’t result in ‘improved’/changed behavior ¨  Not a natural consequence ¨  We can’t ‘handle’ strong emotions in our child ¨  DISCONNECTING

Secure Your Own Mask

¨  Take a deep breath ¨  Do NOT respond with anger ¨  Show them where you want them

to be, not where they are ¨  As they go you go

1) Prevention

¨  Set your child up for success ¨  What are the triggers?

¤ Hungry ¤ Tired ¤ Bored ¤ Over-stimulated

¨  Discuss and prepare prior to the transition/new activity

¨  End while you’re ahead!

2) Look Beyond the Behavior

¨  Almost all behavior is a form of communication ¨  Three questions to ask yourself:

¤ WHY did my child act this way? ¤ WHAT do I want to teach her right now? ¤ HOW can I best accomplish this?

¨  If we don’t address the underlying function of the behavior, we won’t be able to eliminate it

3) Time-In

¨  Separate your child AND yourself ¨  Physical contact (if accepted) ¨  Model calm breathing ¨  Show empathy BEFORE setting a limit ¨  NOT a punishment, an opportunity to calm down

together before trying again ¨  More listening than talking

4) Empathy and Limits

¨  Real empathy does not mean agreeing with the issue, it means identifying with the emotion

¨  Careful not to fake it ¨  Acknowledge and validate (You wanted my attention

and you are crying and hitting me. You look upset. It was frustrating that I didn’t answer you.)

¨  Set a limit (I am not going to let you hit me. Hitting hurts.)

¨  Target a more appropriate behavior (Next time you can pat my arm when you want my attention.)

¨  Be CONSISTENT but not RIGID

5) Second Chance

¨  A “do-over” to an oops ¨  “I can’t let you squeeze glue all over the table,

would you like to try on paper instead?” ¨  Set a clear limit, offer a legitimate alternative ¨  Stay close to ensure successful transition

6) Comfort Corner

¨  Cozy, positive place with books, stuffed animals, etc

¨  NOT a time out area ¨  NOT associated with punishment ¨  Can choose to go their on their own ¨  Best used BEFORE a full melt down as a

preventative strategy ¨  Can also be used afterwards to help calm

7) Choices; When and Then

¨  Give two reasonable choices that you are willing to accept (Do you want to change your diaper now or in five minutes?)

¨  Give a minute of wait time while they consider

¨  If you do not get a response, you can choose for them

¨  When and Then helps your child know what is coming

¨  Helps get through a less preferred activity to a more preferred activity

¨  Not to be used as “if you don’t _____, then we won’t ______.

¨  Empower your child

Choices When and Then

8) Natural Consequences

¨  Directly related to the behavior ¨  Obvious connection for the child ¨  No further “punishment” is required ¨  Some examples:

n Throwing blocks- put the blocks away n Make a mess- help clean it up n Playing with food- meal is over

¨  Not always possible- don’t force it

9) Playful Parenting

¨  Use humor to prevent/de-escalate power struggles

¨  Make silliness ‘obvious’ ¨  Helps give you both an out ¨  Play dumb/Make mistakes

(underwear on their head, talking pants, mixing up your child and the dog)

¨  Give over the top consequence (If you don’t put your shoes on, I’m going to eat your feet!)

¨  Silly games and songs to help with routines and transitions

10) Proximity

¨  Very hard to parent from across the room ¨  Closeness, getting at or below eye level, gentle

touch can prevent/end many behaviors ¨  Especially important immediately after a physical

outburst ¨  Child needs to know that you will keep them safe

and prevent them from hurting anyone (shadowing) ¨  STAY CALM- keep tabs on volume and tone when

you are across the room so you are ready

Review and Discuss

1)  Prevention 2)  Look beyond the

behavior 3)  Time In 4)  Empathy and Limits 5)  Second Chance

6)  Comfort Corner 7)  Choices; When and

Then 8)  Natural consequences 9)  Playful Parenting 10)  Proximity

What has worked? What hasn’t? What are you willing to try? What questions do you still have?

Parenting on the same page

¨  VERY, VERY, VERY common ¨  Make a game plan ahead of time ¨  What is your family trying accomplish through

discipline? ¨  How can this be personalized? ¨  What does the research say? ¨  What have you observed in your child? ¨  Allows you to TAG TEAM

Resources

¨  No Drama Discipline ¨  The Whole-Brain Child ¨  How to Talk so Kids Will

Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk

¨  Nurtureshock ¨  Peaceful Parents, Happy

Kids

¨  janetlansbury.com ¨  ahaparenting.com ¨  teachertomsblog.blogspot.com

Books Websites

Contact Us:

parentingwithyou.org malkah@parentingwithyou.org

clair@parentingwithyou.org