Alone, But Not Lonely€¦ · Alone, But Not Lonely 7 Steps To True Connection For Introverts By...
Transcript of Alone, But Not Lonely€¦ · Alone, But Not Lonely 7 Steps To True Connection For Introverts By...
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Alone, But Not Lonely
7 Steps To True Connection For Introverts
By Michaela Chung
www.introvertspring.com
www.facebook.com/IntrovertSpring
twitter.com/MichaelaChung1
Copyright Michaela Chung © 2013-2015.
All Rights Reserved.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in
any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,
recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without
written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief
quotations in a review.
Disclaimer
Although I have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book
was correct at press time, I do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability
to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or
omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident,
or any other cause.
Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy
of individuals.
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Please keep in mind that I am not a Doctor or other health professional so
please consult the appropriate professional before making any changes to
that will affect your health, or other applicable areas. You should always do
what is right for your own personal life.
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Table of Contents
Introduction: The Introvert‘s Predicament
Step 1: Learn To Embrace Your Introversion
Step 2: Enjoy Your Alone Time
Step 3: Find The Right People
Step 4: Energize Before You Socialize
Step 5: Get Out Of Your Head And Into The Now
Step 6: Turn Boring Small Talk Into Interesting Conversation
Step 7: Deepen Connections The Introverted Way
In Lieu Of A Conclusion
About Michaela
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―The highest form of love is to be
the protector of another person‘s solitude.‖
~Rainer Maria Rilke
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Introduction: The Introvert‘s Predicament
―There is a tremendous difference between alone and lonely. You could be
lonely in a group of people. I like being alone. I like eating by myself. I go
home at night and just watch a movie or hang out with my dog. I have to
exert myself and really say, oh God, I‘ve got to see my friends because I‘m too
content by myself.‖ ~ Drew Barrymore
As an introvert, you're not satisfied with superficial connections. Party chit
chat bores you and small talk is pretty much your kryptonite.
The truth is that you often feel more lonely in a crowded room than when
you're by yourself. What you really want is to have a meaningful
conversation with someone you truly connect with. Or better yet, you'd
relish the comfort of sitting with someone in silence - someone who you don't
need to explain yourself to because they just get you.
For many introverts, finding even one person who just ‗gets‘ us is challenging.
Often, we feel misunderstood because of our introverted nature. Our need for
alone time is misinterpreted as depression. We are told that we are rude or
boring for not going out as much as our extroverted family and friends.
This has certainly been my experience. In the past, I felt deeply ashamed of
my introverted nature. Those around me constantly misinterpreted my quiet
daydreamy ways. Over the years, I was labeled as shy, snobby, aloof and even
depressed.
I thought that there must be something inherently wrong with me. After all,
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no one else seemed to get irritable and annoyed after a couple hours of
socializing. No one else had a habit of zoning out or wandering off by
themselves while the rest of the group happily played together like puppies. I
thought that I must be a horrible person.
I concluded that hiding my true nature was of the utmost importance. I
would learn to do as the extroverts do. Then, and only then, would I be
worthy of the love and acceptance I craved.
You see, early on I felt that society had rejected me because of my
introversion. I realized that my quiet, intensely creative, overly sensitive self
would not - could not - be accepted by the world.
Like many people, I don‘t handle rejection well. It gnaws away at me and fills
my mind with self-doubt. It drives me to tweak and twist myself into someone
who can‘t be denied (which is impossible, of course, but that doesn‘t stop me
from trying).
I sought to win back the world‘s affection by stomping down my introversion.
I replaced solitude with constant activity and my innate ability to focus with
a sort of forced ADD. I projected a more glittery, dazzling and extroverted
self-image (literally - I used to be a competitive latin dancer/performer).
I thought that the world would love me more as an extrovert. In some ways it
did. But mostly I felt like I was being repeatedly chewed up and spat out like
gum that loses its flavor too soon. I could only stay minty fresh so long before
I‘d start to feel overwhelmed and annoyed. Depleted.
What I thought was the magic ―cure‖ to my introversion (becoming an
extrovert) left me feeling more lost and alone than before. I had reduced
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myself to just another failed extrovert.
It wasn‘t until I finally understood what an introvert was that things became
more clear. My view of myself completely changed when I took a personal
psychology class in college. As part of the class, I took a personality quiz that
revealed that I am an introvert. I realized that all those little things that I
saw as deficiencies were actually traits that all introverts share. All of a
sudden, I wasn‘t a freak or a bad person. The missing piece of the puzzle had
been found. I was an introvert.
I can remember walking a little taller that day. I smiled at strangers, not
because I thought I should, but because I felt happy. Somehow, knowing I
was an introvert gave me a feeling of vindication. I realized that I was a good
person after all.
A new approach to life
Understanding my introversion has changed my approach to life and
relationships. I am now more aware of my strengths and limitations. I know
that I can‘t handle the same amount of social activity as an extrovert.
I also feel less guilt about staying in, being the quiet one and enjoying
different pastimes than my extroverted friends. I still feel inadequate
sometimes, but that is part of being human.
The way I connect with others has changed, too. Surprisingly, spending more
time alone has made it easier for me to connect with others. The friendships I
make now are more meaningful. Instead of merely tolerating my friends, I
enjoy their presence in my life. And vice versa.
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Embracing my introversion allowed me to cultivate more meaningful
relationships with the right people. I wrote this book to help you do the
same.
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Step 1: Learn To Embrace Your Introversion
―Our culture made a virtue of living only as extroverts. We discouraged the
inner journey, the quest for a center. So we lost our center and have to find it
again.‖ ~Anais Nin
Did you know that introverts make up one third to one half of the world‘s
population? And yet, most introverts currently feel or have felt like there is
something wrong with them.
I know this because every week I get emails, Twitter messages, Facebook
comments and comments on my website from people who say things like:
―I have always felt that I was on the outside looking in, cursed to only observe
the world.‖
―I turn 49 this year and I‘ve been trying to ―fix‖ myself all of my life. This has
left me literally depressed since I was a teenager. When I faced the source of
my depression, I realized that thinking that my introversion was a problem
WAS the problem.‖
‖ I have to say I thought I was the only one who felt like this at times and as
you mention in other posts I have often had people outright tell me there is
something wrong with me.‖
―For the last 2 weeks I have been reading your postings. I am feeling very
proud and confident about myself. Before I thought I had some problems, but
now I know I am just an introvert and am OK. your blog helped me a lot to
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find myself.‖
The underlying message in all of these comments is, I thought there was
something wrong with me. This means that one third to one half of the entire
world‘s population has been made to feel defective, inferior, and
misunderstood.
This is a major reason why many introverts feel more alone when they are
with other people than when they are by themselves. How can
you authentically connect with others when you feel like the true you is a
liability? It‘s about as easy as scaling a glacier in flip-flops.
The first step to connecting with others is to reconnect with your authentic
introverted self. That means taking back your self-worth and wearing your
introversion proudly. When you do this, you will be amazed at how the
world - and the people around you - open to you.
One of the reasons that introverts fear our introversion is that we think
embracing our true nature will close doors. We believe that job opportunities
will pass us by. Potential friendships will be lost. Lovers will leave us. But
this is only true if we buy into the myth that introversion is a handicap. The
only doors that will close when we embrace our introversion are the ones that
would lead to self-imprisonment.
Maya Angelou once said: ―Love liberates. It doesn‘t hold. That‘s ego. Love
liberates.‖
Loving your introversion is one of the most liberating things you can do for
yourself. It liberates you to love, to friendship, to life.
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For most introverts, it took several years of conditioning to come to loath our
introversion. Learning to accept it won‘t happen overnight. It might even be
painful at first, like ripping off a grimy old Band-Aid that‘s been on for way
too long. But it‘s absolutely worth it.
Here is the most important thing I want you to know right now:
I want you to know that you are enough just as you are. You are worthy of
love, respect, joy and any other good thing you desire today. Not when you‘re
more charismatic. Not when you are further along in your career. Not when
you are more fit, or beautiful, or extroverted. Not when someone tells you
that you are. You are worthy just as you are in this moment. Today.
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Step 2: Enjoy Your Alone Time
―I have to be alone very often. I‘d be quite happy if I spent from Saturday
night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That‘s how I refuel.‖ ~
Audrey Hepburn
Often, introverts feel so guilty about needing time alone that we don‘t even
enjoy our solitude. We worry about all the things we should be doing instead.
This is a shame because alone time well spent lays the foundation for
meaningful connections.
It is only when we are alone that we can fully process our thoughts and
emotions. Our solitude serves as a time to reflect on our experiences. We
emerge from our self-imposed exile sharper and more awake. Not only that.
The hollowness that we felt after too much time in crowded places is filled by
the familiar sound of our own thoughts. We are reunited with our ideas, our
dreams, our fantasies. This is a great relief after being stretched and pulled
in too many directions all day.
When we are alone we are our most authentic selves. With no one around to
impose their beliefs on us, we can connect with deeper, universal truths. We
can discern our thoughts and feelings from those of another person, or society
as a whole. Being intimately aware of who we are and what we believe
prepares us for intimacy with others.
The tricky part for introverts is giving up a portion of our blissful solitude in
order to be intimate with another. Firstly, we must decide who is worthy to
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know our truth.
Who can bear the weight of our thoughts, ideas and dreams? Who will honor
the privilege of being accepted into our inner world? And how much small
talk must we endure to find them?
Marilyn Monroe (who was probably an introvert, by the way) was known for
being an easy breezy, bubbly blond. But in reality, she was an intensely
introspective woman who loved great literature and wrote poetry.
One of Monroe‘s unpublished poems talks about how our inherent aloneness
both separates and intertwines us in a powerful way:
Only parts of us will ever
touch parts of others –
one‘s own truth is just that really — one‘s own truth.
We can only share the part that is within another‘s knowing acceptable so
one
is for most part alone.
As it is meant to be in
evidently in nature — at best perhaps it could make
our understanding seek
another‘s loneliness out.
Our aloneness mirrors the separation we see in nature. It creates a barrier
between us and ‗them‘. Or so it seems. In reality, the understanding that we
reach in solitude helps us to connect with others who share our perspective.
Even if that perspective was reached in a solitary state – especially if it was.
Another reason introverts don‘t always enjoy our alone time is because
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society tells us that certain activities we want to do are only meant for
couples or groups. I know I certainly felt this way a lot throughout my teens
and early 20s. Over the years, I‘ve come to realize that many activities that I
thought I needed a companion for are actually better done solo.
Here is my list of the top 5 activities that are better done alone:
Shopping
I‘m so glad my adolescent years of shopping in groups with other girls are far
behind me. It can be incredibly distracting and cumbersome to shop with
other people.
First of all, you have those awkward moments when you really want to go in
a store but you worry the other person doesn‘t. On top of that you have to
worry about pacing.
If you are a slow shopper, you end up feeling guilty if the other person wants
to move more quickly. Conversely, if you are the swift shopper, boredom
creeps in quite fast.
Time in nature
This is one that I‘ve been embracing more and more as I get older (I‘m 30, in
case you were wondering). There are many people who would never even
consider going for a solo hike or trip to the lake. They prefer to get big groups
together, or at the very least, invite one other friend.
This is unfortunate because being alone in nature is the sweetest form of
solitude. It is incredibly rejuvenating. In the summer, I hop on my bike and
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go to the lake by myself several times a week. During times when I‘ve lived
near hiking trails, I‘ve relished morning solo hikes, where I can be completely
alone with my own thoughts.
Movie night
Quite frankly, I have no idea why going to the movies is categorized as a
group activity. You don‘t talk to each other during the movie – and if you do,
well that‘s just really freaking annoying – so why bother?
I absolutely LOVE going to the movies by myself, especially if it is a more
thought-provoking flick. This allows me to reflect on the movie for a while
before reentering the ‗real world‘.
Travel
Travelling alone can be infinitely more enjoyable than travelling in pairs or
groups. This is because you don‘t have to worry about constantly coordinating
with other people or planning activities that everyone will like.
If you've been following my blog for a while, you already know that I have
travelled extensively over the past few years and I have done it mostly solo.
That doesn‘t mean I was alone the whole time. I frequently met up with
friends and other travelers, but I rarely actually traveled with them. This
gave me the freedom to make my own itinerary and follow my bliss.
Romance
You might be scratching your head over this one, but hear me out. Many
introverts love to daydream and fantasize. Those of us who are romantics
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might spend a lot of time fantasizing about our perfect lover and all the
things we‘ll do together.
But did you know that you can have romantic moments all by yourself? You
can go for nighttime strolls, and let the starry sky kiss you, the warm breeze
caress you. You can meander through the Sunday market and relish the time
to daydream and move at your own pace. You can take yourself to dinner and
have a much better time alone than if you were with a partner.
You can do pretty much anything all by your lonesome, and have a heart
brimming with love and gratitude.
But how much alone time is too much?
Introverts are not immune to the torment of loneliness. Too little social
interaction and we risk crossing over into the darker realms of depression
and hermitdom (not a real word, but you get the idea).
Perhaps you can spend five days in blissful isolation without feeling sad or
lonely. Or maybe you can only handle one day of seclusion before you start
itching for social interaction. The important thing is to know when it is time
to reach out to those you care about and welcome them back into your world.
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Step 3: Find The Right People
―I want to be with those who know secret things. Or else, alone." ~Rainer
Maria Rilke
Introverts take a quality over quantity approach to relationships. This
means that we tend to have fewer friends, and fewer lovers over a
lifetime. Besides those nerve-racking adolescent years when being popular is
the only thing that matters, we generally aren‘t too concerned with having a
ton of friends.
On the contrary. Managing too many friendships can be stressful, and
overwhelming to introverts. We might also feel put off by the mere prospect
of cultivating too many friendships. You would think it would be easy to
find a couple of suitable chums to let into our inner circle. But introverts face
unique challenges when it comes to finding the right people to befriend.
For example, many of us are horrified by the prospect of enduring all thesmall
talk that comes with meeting new people (more on this later). We wish we
could skip over the preamble and get to the part where we share our deepest
passions and emotions, and then linger in comfortable silences for as long as
we want. Conversations with acquaintances can be more painful than
constructive.
Another reason introverts struggle to find suitable friends is that we tend to
find it difficult to mix business and socializing, or school and socializing, or
pretty much anything that isn‘t socializing with socializing. Work is for work
and school is for learning. I have to say that this was often a source of shame
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for me. I used to feel bad that I couldn‘t master the art of making friends in
the lunchroom. It always seemed like an unnatural setting to cultivate
meaningful relationships. On top of that, I was often so drained by the time
lunch hour hit that I didn‘t have the energy to talk to anyone.
The interesting thing is that none of the above matters when you learn the
secret to finding compatible friends as an introvert. The first and most
effective step for friend finding is very straightforward. It all begins with one
simple question:
What do you actually want to find?
A while ago I did a Breakthrough Sessionwith a young woman named Keaira
who wanted to make more meaningful friendships. Like most of the
introverts I talk to, she wasn‘t satisfied with superficial relationships.
She wanted one or two friends she could connect with deeply. She had a lot
of acquaintances that she hung out with on weekends. But she didn‘t enjoy
the types of things they did together. They were always going to parties and
bars. She admitted that their conversations were about as deep as a kiddy
pool.
When I asked her what kind of activities she would prefer to do with her
ideal friend, she talked about long scenic drives while listening to music, and
playing video games together. No parties. No boring chit chat.
Then I asked her if she could imagine any of her current acquaintances doing
those things with her. Without hesitation she replied, ―no‖. Up until that
point, Keaira had assumed that she needed to try harder to deepen her
relationships with the partygoers she hung out with on weekends.
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She was trying to adjust herself to them and their extroverted environment.
Instead, she should have been reshaping her world to fit her needs and
desires. To do this, she had to first get crystal clear on what she wanted and
why.
Now that she knew what kind of activities she wanted to do with her ideal
friend, she could dive deeper into the ‗why' and ‗how'.
Why did she want a friend to go for drives and play video games with?
How could she meet people who would enjoy the above activities?
How did she want to feel with her ideal friend?
Once you get clear on what you want from a relationship and why, you
become like a lighthouse to all the friend gems that would have otherwise
passed you by. More importantly, you begin to notice the right people, and
welcome them into your world. The same principle applies to anything you
want in life.
My client, Kecke from Sweden, is a perfect example of this. I recently
received the below ecstatic message from Kecke:
"I just want to tell you that I‘m in such a great state of mind right now. I got
myself a new job as the head manager for a foundation in exactly the area I‘d
hoped for. There are 20 staff and 50 clients in 3 different departments in
beautiful surroundings. I‘m so happy for this dream work. I want to thank
you once again, because I wouldn‘t have been able to take the step without
your coaching. You helped me open my eyes. I think You are a fantastic
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person, and I will never forget what you have done for me."
Kecke had been frustrated with his job. Though he made a great income, and
was in a high level position, he was dissatisfied with many aspects of his
work. Do you know what the first thing I got him to do was?
I had him get clear on exactly what he wanted in his ideal workplace and
position. I helped him to create a vision for his dream job that felt so tangible
he could almost reach out and grab it. And within a few months, that‘s
exactly what he did.
Be the right person
To find the right people you have to be the right person. Because who you are
being every moment of everyday will determine your ability to make
meaningful connections.
This is something I learned from my award winning coach, Elizabeth Purvis.
She said in order to up level your career and your life, you have to be the kind
of person who is successful. Right now.
Many of us believe that when the right person comes along, we will magically
be transformed into the perfect friend. We will be thoughtful, patient, and
kind. We‘ll remember birthdays and other important days (never mind that
we barely remember to celebrate our own birthday). We‘ll buy them little
gifts just because and expect nothing in return. We‘ll never feel cranky and
drained around them, so we won‘t have to worry about explaining our need
for alone time.
For some of us, this may be true. Introverts are known for being fiercely loyal
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and loving around those we love. The problem is that it‘s hard to attract the
right unique snowflake friends into our lives when we are not being a unique
snowflake friend already. Make sense?
If you want to have a friend who is thoughtful, consistent and accepting, you
have to be that friend first. You might be thinking, ―how can I be a great
friend when I don‘t have any real friends?‖
Maybe you‘re in a time of transition. You‘ve outgrown past relationships, and
now you find yourself in a friendless purgatory. Or perhaps, you‘ve just gone
through a breakup and your ex got the friends in the split.
It doesn‘t matter where you are today with your relationships. Work with
what you have right now. Start with family members, or friends who are far
away but not forgotten. Start with a card, or a phone call, or a thoughtful
Facebook message punctuated with all the right emoticons. More
importantly, start with you.
Be a cliché and love yourself first
The greatest love story you will ever embark on is with yourself.
I know, so cliche. But true.
For introverts, learning to love ourselves can be tough. We grow up hearing
that we need to change in order to be worthy of love. As if we have to earn
love, even from ourselves.
What if being loved and loveable had nothing to do with how charming or
witty you are? Or how many friends you have. Or how packed your social
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calendar is? What if you are worthy just as you are? Today.
For many introverts, the idea that love is not earned is a radical concept. All
along, we thought that if we could master the whole ‗act like an extrovert‘
game, we‘d be loveable. In reality, the first step to being loveable is simply
to accept yourself - warts and all. This means being kind to yourself, even
when you‘ve messed up.
You see, people who love themselves are compassionate and gentle in their
self-talk. They are always the good cop. They also have healthy ways of
coping with stress and uncomfortable feelings that don‘t involve self-
flagellation. Which brings me to my next point.
Make sacred self-care a priority. You know that saying, ―actions speak
louder than words.‖ This is particularly true when it comes to loving
yourself. When you do kind things for yourself, you feel important and
loved. You become the VIP of your own life, which is the way it was always
meant to be.
Just like in a relationship with a partner, your love affair with you doesn‘t
need to be grandiose. It‘s the small, consistent gestures that have the biggest
impact over time. Here are some ideas:
Buy a little treat that you normally wouldn‘t splurge on. It doesn‘t
have to be expensive: a scented candle, some specialty coffee, a pretty
new nail polish.
Light some candles and take a luxurious bubble bath.
Take a break. And breathe.
Surprise your future self by hiding $5 bills in coat sleeves and party
purses.
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Let them see the real you
You are at your most loveable when you are staying true to your authentic
introverted self. Of course, this is just another way of saying ―be yourself‖.
I know what you‘re thinking. The phrase ―be yourself‖ is the hallmark of
vague and unsolicited relationship advice. It is that annoying saying that
people drudge up in nearly every conversation about making friends. But
being yourself is more difficult than it sounds.
As introverts, we receive a lot of negative feedback for simply being
ourselves. We are perceived as strange because we are quiet. We are
chastised for not being extroverted enough. In short, we are made to feel that
our true self is not acceptable.
So, we fabricate a different self that will fit in better in society. It becomes
very hard to separate who we are from who we think we should be.
In order to unearth your true self, ask yourself if your behavior reflects your
own beliefs and desires or someone else‘s. Remember, a more authentic
self attracts more authentic relationships.
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Step 4: Energize Before You Socialize
―I‘m very picky with whom I give my energy to. I prefer to reserve my time,
intensity and spirit exclusively to those who reflect sincerity.‖ ~ DauVoire
For introverts, the saying ‗too much of a good thing‘ is particularly relevant.
Many things that we enjoy are only enjoyable in small doses. Crowds, parties,
loud music and loud people might be entertaining for a little while, but they
quickly deplete our introvert energy.
In order to replenish our energy reserves, we seek out the quiet and familiar.
We enter into a sort of activity/recovery cycle. One big party could
incapacitate us for the rest of the weekend. The non-stop celebrations that
accompany the holidays often require weeks of recovery.
It‘s easy to forget that everyone has different thresholds for novelty and
excitement. For some people, partying all weekend is a way of life. For others,
it would be no way of living at all. As introverts, the important thing to
remember is that energy is not a limitless resource. Every portion that we
spend in one area of our life leaves less for other areas.
Because extroverts gain energy from things that drain us, they have difficulty
understanding our needs. They look at us with crinkled brows when we
choose to stay home on a Saturday night. They find it strange that we don‘t
go out as much as they do. They encourage us to ―seize the day‖ and ―come
out of our shells‖.
What they don‘t realize is that we have different ideas of what it means to
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―seize the day‖. What gives them a buzz gives us a headache. What makes
them leap for joy makes us run for cover. What energizes them drains us.
This doesn‘t mean that we can‘t enjoy the same activities that extroverts do.
But we will likely do so with our shells and excuses to leave early in tow. And
we reserve the right to stay home in our pajamas the next day (or three).
This leaves introverts with quite the dilemma. How can you meet the right
people when socializing is so draining?
The key is to understand your energy needs and learn how to honor them
without guilt. Sometimes this means saying ‗no‘ to certain social activities, so
that you can say ‗yes‘ to sacred self-care.
Meeting new people is best done on a full energy tank. True connection is
difficult to cultivate when you feel like you‘re about to self-destruct. Know
your limits. For some introverts, thirty minutes of meet and greet is a cinch.
For others, ten minutes is too much.
The important thing is that you be honest with yourself about what works for
you. Next, set boundaries to preserve your precious energy (and sanity).
How to set healthy boundaries
People often equate boundaries with barriers, but they are not the same
thing. Barriers create separation. Boundaries, when used correctly, facilitate
healthy relationships where both people feel safe.
Here are three essential tips for setting healthy boundaries in relationships:
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1. Do it early
The big mistake most introverts make is waiting too long to talk about
boundaries. This usually has to do with shame. You feel guilty about asking
for what you want, so you put it off.
Then, when you do express your needs, the other person feels confused and
hurt. They don‘t understand why it was okay for them to call you out of the
blue three times a day before, but now it drives you nuts. They can‘t figure
out why you all of a sudden need space, when a couple of weeks ago you spent
every waking moment together.
The moral of the story: prevent future confusion by setting boundaries early
on in the relationship.
2. Give yourself permission
Some of us are still stuck in our childhood mindset of constantly needing
permission. We expect others to tell us what is acceptable behavior. But part
of being an adult is learning how to give ourselves permission. Here are some
examples of permission statements:
I give myself permission to …
Spend one day of the weekend completely by myself without feeling
guilty
Say ‗no‘ to couples and group activities that I don‘t enjoy, provided that
I do so in a polite and considerate way
Go on one trip a year without my partner
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3. Spread the love
For introverts, meeting someone we truly connect with can be a rare
occurrence. When it happens, our loyal and exclusive nature is likely to kick
into high gear. After all, we‘re not really known for multitasking, but we‘re
great at focusing intensely on our passions. If our passion takes the form of
another human being, well, we might be tempted to swallow him or her
whole.
In Elizabeth Gilbert‘s absurdly popular memoir Eat Pray Love, she talks
about her tumultuous relationship with a young actor. She equates her all-
encompassing desire to be deeply intimate with him to wanting to ―eat his
soul‖. I love this metaphor because it humorously and perfectly explains our
innate urge to be one with the person we love.
This isn‘t necessarily a bad thing. Our attention is a valuable currency. I‘d
rather give a few people my full and undivided attention than dilute it
amongst countless acquaintances. But I also don‘t want to put all of my eggs
in one basket … and then swallow said basket whole.
Inviting intimacy into our lives often begins with adding a few more eggs to
new baskets. Meeting more people and staying open to new connections helps
take the pressure off our current relationships. We also might discover that
the person we‘re with doesn‘t deserve our full attention anymore.
Above all, remember that your energy is a precious resource. When you
make replenishing your energy levels a priority, you are more refreshed and
alert when you do socialize.
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Step 5: Get Out Of Your Head And Into The Now
―You may think I‘m small, but I have a universe inside my mind.‖ ~Yoko Ono
Introverts love introspection and reflection. We are thinkers. Deep thinkers.
This is one of the greatest advantages of being an introvert. It helps us to
excel in careers that require concentration, while also facilitating growth and
wisdom. It does, however, have one undesirable side effect: overthinking.
It is all too easy for negative thoughts and concerns to flood an introvert‘s
ever-buzzing brain. We begin to overthink, analyze and even obsess. Before
we know it, our mind becomes a typhoon of swirling thoughts that threaten to
flatten us into the ground.
Sometimes I catch myself having entire conversations in my head with people
I‘ve barely said two words to in real life. This can be fun if the conversation is
pleasant. But often, it is simply my brain‘s way of playing out possible
negative outcomes.
All this overthinking puts an invisible barrier between you and the person in
front of you (or the person you wish was in front of you). It‘s difficult to be
engaging when you can barely see through the fog of your own thoughts.
That‘s why it‘s so important to learn how to get out of your head and into the
present moment.
A lot of people assume that in order to be engaging in conversation, you have
to be outgoing, charismatic, and a natural storyteller. It‘s true that those
things can help. But being awake to the now is much more important than
any of the above. You might be wondering how you can switch off the shouty
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voices in your head and be fully present and engaged.
Well, it might help to think of a time when you were scared shitless.
Confused? Allow me to explain with a quick story.
When I was a professional salsa dancer, I used to perform and compete in
front of hundreds of people. Right before getting on stage I would always feel
a little nervous. Okay, that‘s a serious understatement - a lot of the time I
would feel scared shitless.
Picture me backstage at the world‘s oldest and most prestigious annual salsa
event, The New York Salsa Congress, waiting to go up on stage in front of
hundreds of people naked.
Wait, no, I wasn‘t naked. Don‘t picture that. But I felt nearly naked in my
skimpy shimmery outfit and glittery high-heeled shoes. The stage has a way
of making you feel acutely aware of your own body. Your movements.Your
environment.Your breath.
Another way of putting it is that the stage, and the naked-scared-shitless
feeling it gives you, has a way of making you feel present. This is the key to
being irresistibly engaging. Presence. To be present is to have your body and
mind firmly grounded in the Now.
As an introvert, you have an advantage when it comes to being present. You
take a slower, more in depth approach to conversations. This leaves more
room for anchoring moments than discussions that flit quickly from one fluffy
topic to the next.
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What do I mean by ―anchoring moments‖?
I‘m talking about those few seconds when you feel a spark of understanding.
You feel excited about what the other person is saying, and vice versa.
Or you have one of those quietly exhilarating moments where you stare into
the other person‘s eyeballs and feel like you can see their soul.
Or you realize where you are and you suddenly feel a sense of wonder. Maybe
you look up at the sky and think, OMG, I‘m such a small part of a vast
infinite universe!
Or you feel the wind against your bare skin and realize I‘M ALIVE!
When you are fully present in each moment, other people sense it right away.
They see it in your eyes, your body language, your actions. And they like it. It
makes them feel more present and alive, too.
When people feel good around you, they open up to you. They lean in, listen
more closely, and want to be around you more often. In other words, they
want to connect with you.
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Step 6: Turn Boring Small Talk Into Interesting
Conversation
―I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was
just an introverted pizza. I wish all my acquaintances were so tasty. ‖ ~
Jarod Kintz
Whether you call it chit-chat, banter or chatter, small talk has the same
troubling affect on introverts. It pushes us to the edges of a room. It is the
reason we are reluctant to meet new people. It is one of those social
pleasantries that is inherently unpleasant.
Small talk, you see, is an introvert‘s kryptonite.
Our distaste for small talk might cause some people to think we are socially
inept or snobby. They imagine us turning our noses up at something that
goes to the core of our culture. They assume that we don‘t like chit-chat
because we don‘t like people. In reality, the opposite is true.
Introverts recognize that small talk creates boundaries between people.
Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your
Hidden Strength, explains our sentiments well:
―Let‘s clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike
people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between
people.‖
But small talk doesn‘t have to be so painful. With the right tools, you can use
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small talk to smoothly transition into more interesting and in-depth topics.
One of the most important aspects of interesting conversation begins before
you even open your mouth.
My favorite movie as a child was Disney‘s The Little Mermaid. In the movie,
Ursula the evil octopus witch reminds Ariel of the importance of body
language.
―And don't underestimate the importance of BODY LANGUAGE. HA!"
admonishes Ursula as she swings her bountiful bottom back and forth to the
rhythm of the music.
That Ursula - so evil, yet, so wise.
Body language truly is a powerful communication tool. For introverts who
don‘t say much, body language can be especially useful. It conveys a strong
message about our values, our confidence level, our emotions and even our
beliefs – all without saying a word.
But sometimes our body language lies. It tells others that we are small and
insignificant when we are actually powerful beyond measure. It says that
we‘re happy to play it small when we were made for the big leagues.
If our body language has the power to send such strong messages about who
we are and what our value is in society – it‘s best to make sure it‘s telling the
truth.
Read on for some simple tweaks you can make that will instantly improve
your body language, and send a better message about who you are.
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You can tell a winner by the look in their eyes
Shifty eyes make others feel like you are dishonest or disinterested. To gain
trust and establish an instant connection, maintain eye contact during
conversations. Sounds easy enough, right?
Many introverts have no problem looking people in the eye while they are
listening. However, we often have trouble keeping eye contact when we are
talking. The reason is that introverts are NOT verbal processors. We need to
think before we speak.
What do most people do when they‘re thinking? They break eye contact and
look up or off into the distance. This is natural. But it does make it harder for
people to connect with what you‘re saying.
Make a conscious effort to make eye contact every few seconds as you‘re
talking. Also, keep in mind that there is such a thing as too much eye contact.
You want to come off as curious and engaged, not creepy and intense.
Posture pointers
We convey entire chapters of our life story with the curve of our back. When
it comes to making an impression on others, our posture matters. Period.
Don't worry, I‘m going to lecture you about having a super straight back. You
don‘t need perfect posture to communicate confidence. In fact, having an
overly upright and rigid spine can convey the wrong message. Often, it makes
you seem uptight or uncomfortable. Not to mention unapproachable.
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Of course, being a hunchback isn‘t so appealing either. Instead, make an
effort to sit up and stand straight while keeping your shoulders and stomach
relaxed. This way, you‘ll look confident, but relaxed.
What to do with awkward arms and hands
Have you ever been talking to someone and had no freaking clue what to do
with your arms? You think about crossing them, but then you remember
hearing that that puts people off. Then you try to casually put your hands in
your pockets, but – oops! – your outfit doesn‘t have pockets. Putting your
hands on your hips seems too school teacher-like. Placing them behind your
back might give the impression that you have something to hide.
What to do, what to do?
Did you consider just letting your arms dangle beside you? Seriously, just let
them hang there. Once again, this shows that you are self-assured, but
relaxed. If you‘re sitting, resting one elbow on the back of your chair conveys
casual confidence.
Now that you‘ve established open and confident body language, there is one
more important step before you‘re ready to engage in conversation. Make
sure your mindset is in giving rather than taking mode. Allow me to explain.
The ideal mindset for connection
People who aren‘t socially confident go into conversations thinking that they
are taking something away from the other person. ―They don‘t really want to
talk to me,‖ they tell themselves. ―They‘d probably rather be talking to
someone else.‖
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Even for confident introverts, the 'taking mindset‘ can creep in. They believe
they are taking a person‘s time, and attention by interacting with them. As if
friendship were something they had to reach for. This is a beggar‘s mindset.
Did you ever stop to consider that when you talk to someone - no matter how
important, or attractive they are - you are giving him your time, and
attention. Not only that,you are offering them an incredibly valuable gift in
your friendship.
So, go in with the mindset that you have something of value to give to the
person in front of you. You are not the beggar reaching up with grubby
hands, looking for charity friendships. You are a rich giver with a wealth of
great qualities to bring to the interaction.
Once you let go of the beggar‘s mindset, you can set your insecurities aside,
and focus on engagement.
The secret to engaging conversation
I belong to an exclusive mastermind of digital nomads (entrepreneurs who
are location independent). About 90% of the members of the mastermind are
men. Many of them are also very successful, confident, ambitious, and
attractive.
A few months ago, I had the opportunity to meet several members at a
conference in Bangkok. It was at this time that I noticed that these men were
also highly engaging in conversation.
They were the type of guys that read self-development books for fun and
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actually do the recommended exercises. As I talked with them, I was taken
aback by how interesting and interested they were.
What set these men apart was their genuine curiosity about all sorts of
things - life hacks, business, travel, other humans.
As an introvert, you‘re probably already curious by nature. Curiosity is
actually a highly attractive quality that creates interest and intimacy. When
you are authentically curious about a person, you listen more intently. Your
body language shows that you are engaged. And you naturally come up with
questions to propel the conversation forward.
Interest vs. Interrogation
A few years ago, I dated a man that I met through salsa dancing. One night,
while out dancing, I noticed that he was chatting and dancing a lot with a
pretty girl I didn‘t recognize.
The green-eyed monster took hold of me. I wanted to know who this woman
was. I wanted to know if she was as pretty up close as she was far away; if
she was smart or shallow; if she was moving in on my territory or just an old
friend being friendly.
You could say that I got really freaking curious about this woman. I bumped
into her in the ladies‘ room and introduced myself. I then casually peppered
her with questions. Or at least I thought I was being casual. Later, a friend
who had overheard the conversation asked me why I had ―interrogated‖ the
new girl.
While you don‘t want to go as far as I did with a full blown interrogation, you
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do want to do a little digging to find out what is interesting about the person
you‘re talking to.
Once you‘ve established mutual interest, it will be easier to come up with
open-ended questions and affirming statements to spark interesting
conversation. Just be careful not to go overboard with the questions.
Many people make the mistake of asking too many questions. The best
conversations emerge from a mixture of thoughtful questions and statements.
For example, you might ask, "how do you find traveling alone in Latin
America?"
After the person responds, offer a statements, such as, "I can see why you
would enjoy something like that. It must be nice to not have to consult with
others all the time about where to go and what to do next."
In myFulfilling Connections Course For Introverts, I devote an entire lesson
and webinar to conversation ignitors for quiet types. This is the lesson that
students most look forward to. Naturally, people are excited to learn
the done-for-you phrases and questions that instantly bring conversations to
a deeper level. And, don‘t get me wrong, knowing what to say and when is an
important aspect of building rapport.
But there is something even more important that is often overlooked. It is a
communication tool that doesn‘t require any memorization or thinking. In
fact, the less thinking you do, the better this tool works. Are you ready to
find out what it is? Turn the page to discover the most valuable ninja skill for
deepening connections.
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Step 7: Deepen Connections The Introverted Way
―I don‘t have time for superficial friends, I suppose if you‘re really lonely you
can call a superficial friend, but otherwise, what‘s the point? ~ Courtney Cox
Have you ever considered how intimate the exchange between writer and
reader? It is the only space where you can discover the secret parts of another
person‘s heart and mind without ever seeing their face. Or hearing their
voice. They are animated only by words and imagination. For introverts, this
is an ideal scenario.
You see, introverts like to start with the deepest connection points and work
our way out. We want to know who a person really is. What they want from
us. And the precise coordinates where our ideas, dreams and passions
intersect. Once we‘ve figured that out we start to get curious about the
periphery of their personality: their pet peeves, their likes and dislikes, what
they ate for lunch that day.
In other words, Introverts want to skip the pleasantries and dive right into
meaningful conversations and relationships.
And therein lies the reason for our pain.
The instant intimacy between writer and reader (that‘s you and me, darling)
is a rare occurrence in our culture. Few relationships go from handshake to
heart-to-heart in the space of one conversation. It is expected that one must
spend some time indulging in pleasantries.
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Fortunately, there is a way to cut through the superficial niceties and get to
the good stuff fast.
I‘m going to share an incredibly powerful tip for doing this here. It might
seem a little radical and scary initially. When I first tried using this master
connection technique, I felt like I was about to go on stage in front of a
hundred people. Naked.
I hesitated. I worried what the other person would think. It didn't come as
naturally as I thought it would. But I did it anyway. And I was pleased to
discover that it quickly took conversations to a deeper level.
I started saying things like:
―I don‘t like camping. Like, at all."
―This feels awkward."
―That hurt my feelings."
―No.‖
―I feel overwhelmed."
―I‘m really proud of that."
In other words, I started being honest.
I know, sounds so simple, right? And yet, in the moment, saying what you
really think or feel can be frightening. Your ego self will tell you anything to
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keep you from being honest. It tells you that people won‘t like you if you say
how you really feel. It says you‘ll come off as weak if you're vulnerable. And
you‘ll sound arrogant if you show pride in who you are and what you‘ve
achieved.
But, here's the thing. THE TRUTH IS SEXY.
It draws people in and makes them instantly let their guard down. One
honest admonition can nip small talk in the bud. Something like ...
―To be honest, I don‘t go to parties very much. I feel pretty overwhelmed
being here."
―I‘m not a big talker, but I like listening."
―No. I don‘t want to go. I‘d rather stay home and have some me time."
Brad Blanton, author of the bestselling book, Radical Honesty: How To
Transform Your Life By Telling The Truth explains this concept well in his
book. Brad and I discuss how introverts can use radical honesty to create
intimacy in their relationships in this video interview.
Sungjoon, one of my Fulfilling Connections For Introverts students from
Japan, recently shared with me his experience with being more honest in his
interactions:
"These are things that I hadn't considered doing until now. Thanks to you
and the Fulfilling Connections Course, I now have the tools to get out of my
usual cycles and build better relationships ...The biggest thing I gained was
learning how to express my true feelings. I'm already seeing people open up
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to me more as I feel more comfortable being vulnerable with them."
Try it out for yourself. You can start by practicing with someone you are
already comfortable with and see how it feels. You‘ll be surprised at how
quickly it deepens your relationships.
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In Lieu Of A Conclusion
This is the part of the book where I‘m supposed to summarize everything into
a neat and tidy little conclusion - preferably one that is heartfelt and
clever. I don‘t like writing conclusions, so instead I‘ll leave you with a poem I
wrote a while back.
What It‘s Like To Love An Introvert
You are a heady cocktail of contradictions
an anomaly
a dark horse treading softly
though it has the legs to run
Your intensity disarms me
Those eyes
gentle
kind
sad
arrogant
Look my way
and I exist
Look my way
won‘t you?
Some days you are distant
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Even as we lie together
your thoughts are chariot clouds
carrying you away
There is a part of you always out of reach
a glowing treasure buried
deep beneath skin and blood and scull
If I split your head open
how many diamonds would spill out?
You want space
I want to devour you whole
I wish you could belong to me
instead of solely to yourself
Your calmness is unbearable
I want to shake you
We are on a sailboat with no wind
How much effort would it take
to open your mouth
blow some air out
breathe us back to life
But there are days
when you do open your mouth
and the stars pour out
Then we lie on our backs
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and press our cheeks against the moon
as I try to map the secrets
in your mind
-Michaela Chung-
More Free Resources For You!
Over the past couple of years, I‘ve produced a massive amount of free
resources for introverts, including videos, audios, infographics and blog
posts.
Here are a few free resourcesI know you‘ll enjoy:
[Video] Small Talk Hacks For Introverts
[Video] Irresistible Introvert: How To Be Quietly Magnetic In Life & Love
Introvert Infographics
Top 100 Introvert Quotes
If you enjoyed this book and my other resources, I know you‘ll love working
with me on a more personal level. I‘ve created theFulfilling Connections
Course For Introverts so that introverts can learn how to create meaningful
connections with the right people.
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Why I created Fulfilling Connections For Introverts
I created the 6-week online course to solve two major introvert problems:
1) The feeling of loneliness that often comes with being an introvert in an
extrovert-centric world.
2) The lack of introvert specific advice out there on how to connect with
people.
A lot of social skills experts deliver great advice on how to ignite meaningful
conversations and connect on a deeper level with people. But often, it‘s
framed in a way that favors extroverts.
As an introvert, you have different needs and strengths than extroverts. As
far as I know, my course is the only connections course created by and for
introverts.
True to my introverted nature, I delve way beyond the surface with this
program.
It‘s not about ―coming out of your shell‖ or ―fixing‖ your introversion. It‘s
about expanding, and applying the gifts you already have.
What You Learn
A simple formula for creating a lasting impression with the right
people
Done-for-you conversation igniters that instantly turn boring small
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talk into interesting conversations
Genius exercises to avoid being tongue-tied
The best questions to spark meaningful conversations
Clear steps to go from meet and greet to meaningful connections
The storytelling formula that makes you captivating and exciting to
listen to
Zen hacks that get you out of your head and into engaging
conversations
The little known secret to being irresistibly magnetic (you‘ll probably
be surprised)
Tools for managing your energy so you don't get overwhelmed in social
situations
What You Get
3 Live information packed video webinars that include time for Q&A
3 Interviews with social skills experts
6 Email lessons containing exercises, actionable steps and strategies
Done-for-you conversation starters and questions to spark meaningful
conversations
Downloadable recordings of all webinars and interviews
Go here to learn more and reserve your spot for the next intake.
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About Michaela
Michaela Chung is an expert on introversion with a rich background in
communication and human performance techniques and strategies. She is
best known for her popular website, Introvert Spring, which offers hundreds
of articles and resources to help introverts embrace and optimize their
introversion.
She is also the author of The Introvert Revolution: A Quiet Path To
Reclaiming Our Power, and the creator of Introvert Talk Sundays, a self-
development podcast for introverts. Her popular introvert infographics,
memes, and articles have been widely shared across the Internet.
But it wasn‘t so long ago that Michaela's life looked completely different.
A few short years ago, Michaela felt stuck in an unfulfilling job that didn‘t
allow her to use her gifts. She knew she had more to offer the world, but
didn‘t know where to begin.
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Despite her uncertainty, and the disapproval of her painfully practical Asian
father, Michaela quit her job and set out to find her life‘s purpose. She also
had a crazy dream to live on every continent. So, she decided to combine the
two goals.
She sold everything that wouldn‘t fit in a suitcase and set out on her hero's
journey towards a life of greater meaning. Seven countries and three
continents later, she found what she was looking for + a whole lot more.
It turns out that learning to accept and embrace her introversion was the key
to unlocking her greater purpose and finding fulfillment. Now, her mission is
to help other introverts do the same. .
She has been prolific in sharing her expertise and personal insights on the
topic of introversion through her website, Facebook page, Twitter, and
YouTube Channel.
She has been featured in Arnie Kozak‘sThe Everything Guide To The
Introvert Edge, as well as Patricia Weber‘s Communication Toolkit For
Introverts. She was also recently featured in this articlein The Chicago
Tribune.