LIGHTING FIRES Since pyromania is not considered a common problem, you may find it hard to believe that pyromaniac clubs are in fact very popular in these days. People meet in chat groups on the internet and then work together to open clubs, halls and even pyromaniac restaurants. In fact large queues have been known to form outside of pyro parlors because they are so popular. To join a group is much harder than you may think. First you must qualify, a difficult task considering that each chapter is only allotted a small quota of membership cards every year. The tests are rigorous and many people have had qualms and become queasy in the middle of them. Many of the queries they will throw at you are quasi-scientific so a background in quantum physics will prove helpful if you happen to have one. You must be able to calculate the surface area of a quadrangle after quaffing a lot of alcohol, a queer demand indeed. They will ask you to perform some experiments with quicksilver. Singing is also an essential skill; you will be asked to perform classical tunes with a quartet of other singers. One of the quirks of their tests is that you will be asked to write all your answers with a quill. Don’t quiver and quaver when writing since they also judge you on your penmanship. They will also give you points for your character. They are looking for quixotic types who approach quandaries in a quizzical manner. It is the quintessence of the quest that you remain quiescent, display quietude, never quibble nor be querulous. Pyromaniacs are quaint types so must quell your desires to show off any weird quirks or make sarcastic quips. If a pyromaniac quorum decides you are qualified to join, without any quisling quashing your quest, they will send you on a mission. First you will be quarantined, and then dropped on a quay in a quagmire. You will then have to find a quarry, perhaps a quail or a small quadruped. Do this without qualm; don’t let the quack of a dying quail disturb you for a pyromaniac does not let their quondam life enter their new existence. Despite all the rigorous tests and strange missions you will have to undergo to join a pyromaniac club, the one thing you will never have to prove knowledge of is your ability to quench a fire. Battle of the Architects Battles between architecture firms usually go unnoticed by the general public. But in this case, the prize contract is for the addition to the beloved city museum, and the leading competitor is accused of deliberate underbidding and using their size to undercut the competition. In cases like this, the underdog usually wins the unfeigned support of the people. “We underestimated the public’s influence,” said Tyrone Power, the unctuous CEO of Acme Construction, and leading contender for the lucrative contract. “Now we have to undergird our support more, in order to stay competitive. But most of

www.cons

ultan

tbaba

.com

these accusations are unfounded. We have never had any underlying motive, other than completing a successful project, and we have never tried to undermine the public trust. Unfetter us from these shackles of lies!” Power also denied accusations of being underhanded and treating underlings without respect. “They are underhand in everything they do,” says Celeste Holm, CEO of the often underrated firm of C & G Construction, unfastening and unrolling her blueprints. “That’s unequivocal. They have an unfailing supply of undeserved victories, and their personal connections make it easy for them to find banks to underwrite their projects.” Holm, a former Broadway actress who was once an understudy to Bette Midler, underscored her point. “Their designs are unenlightened, and unexceptional. Their focus is undirected, but the fact that they are consistently able to land prized contracts is undisputable. How can that be? I think if investigators were to do some digging, they could unearth some evidence of fraud. I don’t mean to underplay the importance of their design itself, but I think with some searching, a deeper story would unfold.” Power was unflappable. “C & G is an unfledged company, and they know little about design. What experience do they have? Holm is a former actress, and her partner is an unfrocked priest, who was an undertaker before he went to architecture school. They say our designs are uninspired, but theirs are ungainly, even unearthly. Consider the roof of the opera that undulates. An undulating roof will eventually be undesirable, because it’s too obvious. Design should always be understated. To understate something means it will always be in fashion.” Holm argued that her firm’s designs are unexceptionable, and that’s why they have always enjoyed unfaltering support from the people. “To say that Acme’s public opinion is underutilized is an understatement,” she says. “We are unerringly confident in that regard. And eventually, that will win out.” Unicorn Extinction Unicorns were once fairly common in many countries around the world. They were certainly unruly and uninhibited animals, unqualified for domestication, but at least they were not prone to unprovoked aggression against people. There was no

www.cons

ultan

tbaba

.com

recorded case of a unicorn taking unilateral aggressive action against people or other animals. These unpretentious animals lived unguarded lives on plains, nagged in the unobtrusive acts of eating, walking and sleeping in unison. There had been a few accidents where a unicorn had been killed in an unpremeditated fashion, but the idea of killing them in large numbers and on purpose was, in all civilized societies, unprecedented. It was considered unsavory and unprincipled. Unfortunately, this attitude was not universal. There were people who wanted to kill unicorns and make unguents to treat various ailments from their horns. This was medically unjustified, as the ointments were demonstrably unproductive. People told the hunters that these were unmitigated actions and that they were acting unjustly. However, the unicorn hunters were unmoved. They saw the issue in a simple, unidimensional way they could make money from the unreserved slaughter of unicorns. The unification of most people against the hunters had little effect on their hunting habits. The unicorn hunters looked the part. They were, to a man, unkempt and unprepossessing. The hunters acted in an ungrudging, unimpassioned, and unregulated manner. There were uniform laws in all countries banning the hunting of unicorns, and these laws were clearly univocal, but of course people do not behave with uniformity. The unnoticed death of a unicorn here and a unicorn there meant that, at first, nothing was really done to prevent the unpalatable hunting. After several years, however, the unremitting hunt began. to have the unimpeachable effect of bringing the poor unicorns close to extinction. Armies were even unleashed on the unrepentant hunters, but they had little success, as they were uninitiated in finding such people. The hunters usually escaped unscathed—unlike the endangered unicorns. The unregenerate hunting network could not be unraveled. The unrequited love of people for unicorns had no effect, although it unified them in their desire to do something about the problem, and eventually the last, unique unicorn was killed. l Raising Arizona The untimely death of Arizona’s parents must have had something to do with his behavior, but that didn’t excuse it. The urchin with the ursine physique and mannerisms was proving to be unwieldy. His usage of utensils, such as knives, forks, and spoons, at the dinner table was hardly urbane, even considering his young age. He was upstage in his interactions unseemly with others of all ages.

www.cons

ultan

tbaba

.com

His behavior constantly unsettled his utilitarian guardians. He was rather unsightly and this in itself was unsettling for people when they met him. His uproarious behavior was fast becoming untenable. His unscrupulous behavior led to untold grievous incidents and upheaval. Some of the things that were said about him were unsubstantiated, and undoubtedly designed to fuel the uproar about him, but there were plenty of witnesses to substantiated examples of his unscrupulousness and to his poor, unwarranted behavior. His guardians upbraided him for any of his untoward and unsound actions that they found out about. Doubtless others went undiscovered. They told him that his behavior was unwonted and urged him from the bottoms of their hearts to take urgent action to reform his character. An upsurge in unseemly incidents, including usury, led his guardians to the conclusion that he needed a special tutor. An experienced personal tutor with impeccable credentials was found and, by educating this previously untutored child, his tutor managed an upswing in his behavior within a short space of time. She worked with the boy every day to upgrade his behavior. She discovered that he had untapped intelligence. She taught him to uphold social rules rather than breaking them at every opportunity as he had before. She taught him to respect the authority of senior people rather than usurping them. She even managed to get him to sit upright in chairs—something his guardians could never manage. The young man soon became unspotted and unthreatening in his behavior towards others. He was upfront, yet polite with people. As a consequence, people ceased being uptight around him. The upshot of the whole process was that he became a well-liked young man. He was a bit of an upstart, actually. When he reached adulthood, it was interesting that he was unwitting of his boyhood behavior. Perhaps it was better that the memory of this now unworldly man was unspoiled by it. The Vampire The valetudinarian vagabond sensed a vagary in the air, but had no chance to utilize the weapons he habitually carried with him or vacillate about what to do. The vampire sank his teeth into the appropriate vascular channel, like a doctor putting a needle into a person’s body to vaccinate them with a vaccine against an infectious disease. It was like twisting a valve. The teeth (coated with vanilla for flavour!) went in and the blood came out. Yummy! The vampire usually feasted on vagrants. They were rarely missed and it didn’t pay to advertise that there was a vampire living in a particular area. The vacuous Count Dracula, who had been in the

www.cons

ultan

tbaba

.com

vanguard of the vampires’ advances in Europe, had made that mistake by sucking, a vassal dry and then every man and his dog had set out to vanquish him. They had also vandalized his castle. Such wanton vandalism was uncouth. Yes, the vampire thoroughly approved of vagrancy. As he flew home, he saw another vagrant. Good – his wife would have a neck to suck too. The vampire was hopelessly uxorious. Utopia was a snug coffin for two and plenty of blood on tap! He would love to make this utopian dream come true. One thing really annoyed the vampire —he couldn’t see himself in a mirror. He was vain—even vainglorious—and vaunted his black, velvet cloak in front of his wife and friends whenever he had the chance. It was so shiny that you would think ' it had varnish on it. They would utter vague complin1ents—they had had enough of this vaunting, but wouldn’t say so directly. On arriving home, he told his wife where she could get a quick bite. She kissed him and made a valedictory remark. He said “Farewell, my love” in valediction and stood on the castle wall, which offered an excellent vantage, and watched her flew out over the variegated landscape. She veered to correct her flight path and was soon out of sight —as if she had vaporized. (Contrary to popular belief, vampires were not actually vaporous and, for them, vaporization was impossible.) She was so valiant and valorous! He wished he had as much valor as she did. A vapid priest had validated their marriage in the vault of their castle. The valid signature of the sadly deceased man was on the marriage certificate. He looked again at the variegation of the landscape. The moonlight helped to variegate it. A Man of Many Talents Thanks ‘to a vendetta, he was the only member of his family left. He had been vengeful and there were no members of the other family alive. This was a verified fact. As he had verified the verity of this, he could now put vengeance aside and enjoy the verdant countryside around his home. The verdure of the countryside was a constant source of pleasure. The man did not vegetate. He was a ventriloquist, and kept up his art. He conducted experiments, which had something to do with vehicles, velocity and vents. It was also said that he did ventral investigations on dead animals. He found poisonous snakes by the verge and extracted venom from them to make antidotes. He was good at making veneer, brewed coffee with a velvety taste, and cooked excellent venison (but no

www.cons

ultan

tbaba

.com

one mentioned this as killing deer was verboten). He was a venturesome man and loved to invest in promising" business ventures. He was clearly a veritable man of many talents. He was a venerable man. As the locals venerated him, he was often invited to speak at events. At a venue, he spoke the local vernacular and was never verbose, which undoubtedly endeared him to his audience. Country people didn’t appreciate verbiage. They liked ideas to be verbalised simply. After speaking at an event, he would clean the verdigris from statues, using a special solution and rid people‘s homes of vermin using another. One night, under veil of darkness, the city police went to his home. They entered quietly through a window the man had left open to ventilate his cottage. They arrested him and charged him with murder. The police were vehement that he was guilty-they had faith in the veracity of the charge but the man said nothing. The police wanted a statement that they could read verbatim in court. The man was veracious and so decided to say nothing—then he would not lie. The police consequently had no written or verbal statement from him. The charges of murder were verisimilar after all; the man had been engaged in a family feud. However, verisimilitude is not sufficient to find someone guilty of a crime. A vendor who appeared as a character witness said he wasn’t even venal and any faults he had were venial. The verdict of the jury was that he was not guilty. The Vicar Our vicar is recognized as having the most verve of anyone in the vicinity of our village. He’s a real versemonger and also produces the vignettes for his books of verse. He has been vested with a real talent for drawing. He’s versatile in his writing and his works cover many themes. He puts on his vestments and conducts services three times a week. Sometimes, he reads his vibrant works and their vibrancy fills the church. He participates in village affairs with vigor and contributes to discussions on the viability of various suggestions. He doesn’t have a veto on plans but people do listen to him when discussing what is viable. He was against the proposed viaduct near the village because it would be an eyesore. When there was a series of robberies causing vexation in the village, he was against forming a vigilante group, because it would vie with the police and could result in people being victimized. He suggested that people simply become more vigilant. The vigilance paid off and the vile criminals were caught. He always offers to participate in vigils. If problems

www.cons

ultan

tbaba

.com

vex people, he offers advice. Our vicar suffered from vertigo. He cured it by standing at the vertex of the vertical church spire and even eating his victuals there. People got a vicarious thrill out of watching him do this. Some people said they could see him vibrate in the Wind, but I doubt their eyesight is that good. There is still a vestige of vertigo left in him, but this vestigial amount doesn’t cause him any problems. He still eats his viands on the roof of the church occasionally and has even been known to throw the odd viand at passers-by below. Our vicar is a versant man and I have had a few long talks with him. On the day of the vernal equinox, we placed vestures on the green by the church and sat on them. First, we talked about my veterinary practice and that led to a discussion on the evolution of vertebrates. Then, for some reason, we talked about his war experiences. He is a veteran of vicious fighting. He told me how serving on one particular vessel was vicissitudinous because the ship sank. I imagined that this would cause vicissitude in anyone’s life. Man and Wife Taking in the pleasing vista from the top of the hill overlooking our small country town, you could not fail to notice a large Light blue house in the centre. A man and his wife lived there. He was known as a villainous vintner, with a vitriolic and vindictive attitude to any person who crossed him. If he even had the thought that someone was trying to cheat him, he would vituperate them at once and vilify them shamelessly in front of others with vim. Even if the poor victim was later vindicated, he would remain vinegared towards them for a long time afterwards. It was said that he conducted vivisection in a tireless search for the world’s most potent enhancer of virility, holding poor animals in a vise as he experimented, draining them of their vital blood and examining their visceral tissues. His wife often claimed that he wasn’t virile enough—he apparently cou1dn’t vitalize their life together so if he was conducting such visionary experiments, which might have given vindication to the death of so many animals, he hadn’t succeeded yet. She, his wife, was a virago. She sometimes worked as a vocalist—a virtuoso of

www.cons

ultan

tbaba

.com

great virtuosity. She behaved like a viper, though it was said that she had been more like a delightful vixen in her younger days. She had apparently been vivacious and was still known for her vivid renditions of vintage songs. What had vitiated her‘? It was probably her unwise marriage to the vintner that had led to her virtual rebirth and changed her previously virtuous character. Now, her virtues had left her and she was as vituperative as her hated husband. One day, all of a sudden, they both died of a virulent virus. The viral infection killed no one else, which was ‘most strange. A man who had a brief vision of their visages at the morgue said that they looked as if they were vitrified. Their vitreous faces were a faint violet color. Another man said that their hands were viscous or viscid, but this violated most people’s understanding of what a virus could do. Their strange deaths were never fully explained, but it is supposed that the potent virus was released as a result of one of the vintner’s diabolical experiments. At the Zoo Vince was a voyeur, who is apparently in vogue, but we can leave that aside for now. Of his own volition, he had decided to work as a zookeeper and had to vouch for the well-being of the animals. He was particularly suited to this vocation, as he loved all the animals, even the vulgar vultures and the ugly walruses with their apparently voluminous skin. The walruses created a vortex when they slipped into the water. He ‘was a votary of the foxes and enjoyed watching their vulpine activities. Sometimes, they allowed him to stroke their voluptuous coats. The elephants were one animal he didn’t want a wallop from. He loved listening to the birds warble. They were certainly vociferous at times. They were probably waffling about unimportant things most of the time. He liked to watch the pigs wallow in mud and the hippos wade in water. The monkeys were wanton creatures; always trying to wangle some food from visitors. They seemed to believe that they should be vouchsafed food. Perhaps issuing them with food vouchers was a good idea to make sure they didn’t get too much. Their wacky and waggish behavior usually got them what they wanted. If they didn’t, they would pelt the visitors with a volley of dirt. Clyde was one monkey who was a particular wag. He would impersonate people, waddling in front of visitors. Once, someone fed Clyde something he didn’t like. He brought it up

www.cons

ultan

tbaba

.com

and threw the vomit at the person. The person was from Haiti and Clyde was lucky not have been the victim of voodoo. In the insect house, there were voracious little creatures and insects that seemed to waft along on the surface of water. There were army ants, capable of waging war on any vulnerable or wan creatures in their natural environment. They used magic wands whenever they pleased and rarely wailed or waned. Their voracity was almost unmatched in the insect world. At the snake house, voluble visitors would look into a space apparently void of animals and only be able to make out a camouflaged snake after a few minutes of careful observation. In nature, each species would be vying for food and living space, but here they were separated. There was no want at the zoo. On the other hand, any animal with wanderlust would be disappointed. The weather could affect some of the animals, as it was more volatile than they were used to. At the Log Cabin Wendy worked as a warden in one of the national parks. She had joined the army, but she became wearisome of the warhorse politicians who welsh on their promises, and decided on a whimsy to spend some time in the wilderness, the moon waxing and waning overhead. She was no wastrel and never wavered in getting up at six in the morning, even if she was weary for some reason. She was well-groomed, keeping her uniform tidily in a wardrobe, a habit that she had brought with her from the army. She lived in a log cabin by herself and cooked herself a wholesome breakfast each morning. Sometimes, she had to do some work at the cabin, such as welding metal or dealing with a warp in a piece of wood. All the warranties had expired on items in the cabin. There was no way to weasel out of doing it, because she was alone and no one else would do it. That particular morning, she stepped outside, plucked a few weeds which had taken root, caught a whiff of the fresh air and, on a whim, decided to walk through the forest rather than driving along the trails. She was wary. This was warranted because sometimes predators such as wolves would waylay their prey. She treaded carefully as roots and fallen branches whelmed the path. Soon, she heard nearby waterfall and the whirlpool at the bottom of it. This proved to be a watershed in her journey as she heard a whine nearby. She

www.cons

ultan

tbaba

.com

looked and saw a whelp. Had it been abandoned or lost? If so, that would warrant her intervention. She decided that it had and wheedled the young wolf out of its hiding place with some food. It whimpered and wheezed. Then, suddenly, it gave a whoop as she picked it up. Wendy whispered to it and walked back to the cabin with it to feed its wasted body. As she walked, she whistled and thought about this weird meeting. It would be difficult for the young wolf to weather the next few days. She fed it a Welter of food, which seemed to whet its appetite. She would whittle a whit or two of meat from her food for it. Like most young animals, the wolf was whimsical. It was also a little waspish and she had to wean it off that kind of behavior. In the evening, she lit the wick of a candle and watched the young wolf sleep.

Wayne’s World Wayne’s boring job was to deliver writs to people when they were issued by courts. The city was zoned and each deliverer worked in a different zone. Wayne’s one was often busy. Other people doing this work would deliver writs with a wry smile, perhaps showing their wrinkles, but Wayne didn’t. Wayne loved travel. The fact that Wayne liked travelling is not unusual in itself. However, when he was younger, Wayne was well known for his xenophobia. The reason why he suddenly ceased being a xenophobe is a mystery. He grew a lot of plants particularly xerophytes and could wreathe yarn and other things into beautiful handicrafts. - He also wrought things from wood and iron. But he became a zealot for travel. His zealotry took him to Britain, where he walked in the countryside, imaging himself in days of yore as a yeoman, using a yoke on his oxen to pull the plough in a zany zigzag across his fields and yielding yummy vegetables and wheat to mix with yeast to make bread. He imagined that in the evening, he would have sat in a traditional pub and chatted with zest with the yokels. He went to Japan, sailing by yacht from Korea with millions of yen to spend. However, the yacht yawed when a storm wreaked havoc on him and he found himself in Russia. The yacht was wrecked on the shore, against rocks which were not yielding, but Wayne wrested and wrenched some wood from the wreckage and made a fire. He was in a wretched state and writhed in pain because of an injury to his wrist. The wind yowled and he yearned to be in a more comfortable place. He looked at the

www.cons

ultan

tbaba

.com

moon, which was at its zenith. At long last, he yawned and fell asleep. In the morning, the wind was a zephyr, and Wayne returned to the wrecked yacht and yanked some food from it. At first, he thought he was going to become angry again, but his zeal overcame his wroth. When he was finally rescued, he didn’t allow wrath to destroy his love of travelling and continued to be a zesty traveler. The amount of travelling he did zoomed and, as Wayne discovered new places; he knew that he had not been wrongheaded in his love of travel. Taken from a Chinese book

www.cons

ultan

tbaba

.com