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Adulterers

^

AdulterersLydia Lunch

and Exene Cervenka

Grove Press,

Inc. /

New York

4

9

Copyright 1 982 by Lydia Lunch and Exene CervenkaRights Reserved

All

No part of this book may be reproduced, storedsystem, or transmittedin

in

a retrieval

any form, by any means, including

electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise,

without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Lunch, Lydia.Adulterers anonymous.

I.

Cervenka, Exene.

II.

Title.

PS3562.U475A651982ISBN 0-394-6241 2-2 (pbk.)

811'.54'08

82-48019

First

Evergreen Edition

1

982

First Printing

1982

ISBN: 0-394-6241 2-2Library of

Congress Catalog Card Number: 82-4801in

Manufactured

the United States of America

GROVE PRESS, INC., 1 96 West Houston Street, New York,N.Y.I 001

The text of Aduflefers Anonymoiis is set in toro typ^acSw TlMStyoe^ace he(vetica,imficalesttiewrilingofExeneCerMnka. ~- s .:- :e TIMES ROMAN, incfcates the writing of LydeLuncjhk.

Digitized by the Internet Archivein

2011 with funding fromof

The Archive

Contemporary

IVIusic

http://www.archive.org/details/adulterersanonymOOIydi

Chapter

A MINUTE IN HEAVEN 4 A LIFE IN HELL

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD SPARE FIVE MINUTES? YOU SEE MY SPIRIT'S DEAD AND COULD BE NEXT. A VACUOUS HOLE IN THE CENTER OF MY SOUL. CAN'T MOVE FROM THE BED.I

I

CAN'T SO I DON'T. SINGLE DIGIT SOLITUDE. THE ONLY LONELY GIRL IN THE DYING OVER YOU.I

WORLD SITS BESIDE HERSELF

HOURS IN A DAY 3 WEAKS A DAY PICK AT THE SNARLS IN MY HEAD 16 MOTION PICTURES A MINUTE PEELING YOUR BRAIN OUTA MY VISION. ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL100I

YOUR MOUTH ON MY KNEES.CONFESSIONAL PERSECUTION. I SPILL MY GUTS WHILE YOU PUT ON YOUR RUBBERS SILVER PLATES THAT YOU EAT OFF THE SIDEWALK

TALK BACK YOU CAN'T HEAR YOU LISSEN TOO HARD THINK TOO LOUDI I

A DICTIONARY OF DISALLUSION.

HEADED WITH A SCARLET HEART. A SOUL TO MATCH THAT'S RIPT IN TWO. TUESDAY TO TUESDAY WITH MULTIPLE WEAKENDS A MINUTE IN HEAVEN FOR A LIFE IN HELL. I'D START AT SCRATCH AND WORK MY WAY BACK. BELIEVE ME WHEN MEAN IT. YOU KNOW WHAT MEAN.SILENTII

UNACCOUNTED FOR POOLS OF BLOOD IN MY BED. ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION GET NO ANSWER AT ALL. THE SPREAD RIPPING ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT OF THEFOLLOWING DAY. THERE ARE SOME THINGS TOO HORRIBLE FOR WORDS. wash smoke down with drinks, dry tears up with blood, there are some things worth refusing. THERE ARE SOME THINGS TOO INAUDIBLE FOR WORDS. AND OTHERS TOO HORRIBLE.far

from few have rested their brains at

my headstone.

one man's ceiling

is

another man's peephole

basement of heaven wake up the midgetsthey came in the attic they dug a tunnel and turned the knob on her closet door.

topanga canyon and ghost town the basement of heaven.linear

descent for a

living

nothing special nothing doing.

INVISIBLE

MANIAC

WITH THE GLOW IN THE DARK VOICE CALL MY NAME IT SCREAMS AND FEEDS ON THE WAY MY BLOOD CURDLES.COLDLY. IT ACHES. FROZEN.

SLAMS THE DOOR IN MY DREAMS IT REFUSES TO LISSEN TO REASON. AND IT FEEDS ON THE WAY MY FLESH CRAWLS.IT

CREEP.*

*

Dreaming w/ sound noeveningsfall

vision.

9/21 /81

.

Bitter

ghostless

&

plain.

10

EVERYTHING IN DUE TIME. NOTHING UNTIMELY. WITH A SLIGHT INCORRECTION. COULD DIE WAITING FOREVER. SAVAGE INTENTIONS WITH NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT. STRAPT TO THE BED LIKE LIMBO FOREVER.II

COULD DIE WAITING.*

*

Dedicated to John

Denney the

only

man never got enoughI

of.

11

A DULL THURSDAYSDEPARTURE. A 10 HOUR TRIAL W/A 9 HOUR DIFFERENCE. THE ONLY DAY OF THE YEAR

THAT WOULD MAKE YOU A POSSIBILITY.

12

IT

TAKES FOREVER AND A DAY.

WATCHING MY PREMATURE BURIAL NEAR COMPLETION. YOU CAST THE FINAL STONE, AS IF IT WERE ANY OTHER DAY OF THE ROTTEN YEAR. THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES. THANKS FOR NOTHING. BATTERED OUTA HELL AND INTO SOMETHING MORE FIERCEI'M

ANDUNEXPLAINED.

CUT A HOLE IN MY SOUL LIKE PAPERDOLLS RAGGED. HOW SWEET THE BLOOD AS IT DRAINS FROM MY HEART ANDI

INTO YOUR FIST. SPEECHLESS IN A MOMENT 10 X TOO SLOW. EVERY LAST DROP OF MY BLOOD FOR WHAT IN RETURN? (NO EXCHANGES, NO REFUNDS)I

AS

CUT A HOLE IN MY SOUL AND SENT IT AIRMAIL YOU CREEP DORMANT, USELESS, STUPID, RAVING ANDSTILL

RANTING.

TAKES FOREVER LIKE IT ALREADY HAS, SAY TO THE BOY OF YOUR DREAMS?IF IT

WHAT DO YOU

13

ISOLATION DERBY ICON O CLASTIC NOTHING.

AM WHAT AM WHEN AND WHY NOT TO HAVE AND TO HOLE UP AND LOCK AWAY.I

I

14

ON A SATURDAY NIGHT. DONT KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF YOU SO JUST MAKE FACES. REAL QUIET AND NOBODY HEARS ME.1 1:

15

I

I

THE MOON PARALYZES THE NIGHT TIME STOPS AND WE DIE BY THE MAKE BELIEVE FENCE IN THE BACK YARD. A YEAR AGO LAST FALL YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THATEXISTED.IT

I

DOESN'T

MAKE A DIFFERENCE THAT KNEW YOU BEFOREI

ME.

CRUSH THE BONES INTO THE VASE ON THE MANTLE.

AND WATCH THE MOON DROP.

15

A FATAL ATTRACTION ATTACK ON THE HEART HEAPED ON THE FLOOR USELESS AND WASTING AWAY UGLY A SACK OF BONES SUNK PINPRICK THRU THE FLESH WRETCHED

WEAK AND IN NEED. OH BABY LOVE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT.I

16

TRUE LOVE IN AN INSTANT LOCKED DEEP IN MY GUT. FLESH IS ITS OWN REWARD BURNS A HOLE IN MY EYE SUCKS MY SOUL THRU THE SOCKET. A MINUTE IN HEAVEN FOR A LIFE IN HELL. I'D START AT SCRATCH AND WORK MY WAY BACK. THE SILENT SCREAMING CONTINUES CONTINUES THE PERPETUAL INABILITY TO THINK STRAIGHT CONTINUES SO IN PLACE OF REASONi

cast your likeness

in ruins.

WITH AN UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO DIE TRANSFER

IT'S

TIME TO

MY ADDICTION.TRUE LOVE IN AN INSTANT.

17

Chapter

DEATH BY HUMILIATION

AND OTHERDYSFUNCTIONS

SUFFERING LITTLE SHE-SAINTspinsterhood

widowhood adulterers anonymoushousewife scratchingail

my belly,

snarled up with no place to go.

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART SLIPS. INTO MY BACK POCKET REWIND AND ERASE. PAINED ON A PLATTER.SIMPLE DISASTERS.

A FLY IN THE BUTTER SCREAMING MY NAME. IS NOTHING SACRED? NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, NOTHING IS SACRED.scaring

me with their car radios

and queer clothes, no underpants under their leather chaps. the disgusting body of manhood. widowhood, spinsterhood, sisterhood,books. neither he nor you can go. you must stay behind.girly

and he must leave. go into your closet.scaring

me was my closet and clothes that take

the shape of the disgusting body of man.verily verily

they squeal their car tires against the wall. preceded by the barking of headlights, up the wall uptheceiling across the bed. neither me and you can sleep.

20

beer, beer and only beer. headache and gutful.still

worried about

it

but not drunk.

my ship went out without.so got sick.i

if

step on this kitchen garbage can pedal, up will pop a continent shaped like a pork chop.i i

my new home, doubt my little life, my garbage. AN IMMACULATE FILTH RITE BEHIND MY EARS. A DAY IN THE LIFE OF, WITH NO SET DIRECTION. ADVANCE AND BE NOTICED A TOKEN AFFLICTION IN DOUBT OF MY SENSES IN REGARD TO THIS MOMENT YET SOMEHOW FOREVER, NOT IN NEED OF MY SENSES.it.

snap and be conquered by that certain infection affectingthe earth, found a fortune in vain, she was offended by my gift, her love was an obstacle, defrosted her refrigerator and flooded the kitchen, took out her trash and fanned the flies with newspaper.i i i

21

DEATH BY HUMILIATION.

AND OTHER DYSFUNCTIONS. UNTO THEE LEAVE MY VERY LAST WISHI

TO EXTINGUISH LIKE A CIGARETTEBELITTLED BE LEAGUERED LEFT UNBENDING

my next to last req uestnothing"life

like last rites

between cigarettes

cold breath from a dyingi'm painting the

mood."*

town

blue.

i'm in

a perpetual statedespair

of disrepair

i'm dissolving intoi

and wake up discouragedin

the hall of fame.

*RosettaA. 1981

22

women say,"how could be so stupid,i

have been solied to

blind,

have

men

myself?" say hello toIllinois

someone new.

weak in

BLEAK love without encouragement uptight in encino with no encouragementis

the afternoonlike bottle

up to tricks

somehowlips

appearing on

and

lipstains

and eyestains on

pillow.

THERE COMES A POINT WHERE WE REVERSE THE FUNCTIONS FOR OUR OWN CONVENIENCE. WITH COITUS COMPLETED WE RETURNED ONCE AGAIN TO OUR NORMAL EXISTENCE.

whenI

i

try to

sit,

fall

down.i

when wake up

he's gone.*

broads at night in the broad daylightblind in daylight

night blind too.

*

Under the Big Black Sun.

23

danger and danger laughs at him descending two part harmony life seen as a becoming a smashing body whose particularly mutilated head vanishes the head laughed at danger and danger laughed back.axel laughs at

EYE LEVEL TO A SNAKE'S BELLY. SLIT YOUR WRIST TO SAVE YOUR NECK. PERPETUAL AFFLICTION. PULLING ALL THE WRONG STRINGS. MY BACK SNAPS LIKE A PUPPET. INCIDENTALLY THEY'RE DEAD. 4 INA ROW. IT NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU. IT TAKES ALL KINDS. TO MAKE THE WORLD SLOW DOWN. MOUTH TO MOUTH WITH A CORPSE. CURB'S EYE VIEW, WORMING ALONG THE SIDEWALK. DRAWING FROM OUR OWN MISFORTUNES. drawing a picture of you, eyelids green with envy, hate mongers, drenched in jealousy and the inability to terminate.

24

impersonalities,left over from the dating game. everybody out of the gene pool.

invisibilities.

for a minute thought you were true! do you remember that night? let me freshen up your drink: you were helping me walk from your car back to the show.i

if it

seemed fast,

it

was fast.all.

wejust talked, that'si

out the

was talking to you and you were talking window to the parking lot attendant.

then

we went back in. and you danced with other women.but there was.i

had a true man. an untrue womani

with atrue, trueit was as so BE IT.

man.

if.

OFF ALL I COULD CHEW AND NEARLY CHOKED TO DEATH. EMOTIONAL INDIGESTION, mortlflcation. WE ARE OUR OWN WORST ENEMIES AND WE LIKE IT LIKEI

BIT

THAT.I

HATE THE OPPOSITION.without notification.

sterilization

25

as the crow flies in a cage by the clear blue seabridal veil falls

bucket of tearsrusty pliers

comatose doselocked in an abandoned refrigerator in the kitchen excited by nature a black and white ghost in a black and invisible dresslittle

lips

spit nails

flea pit

mutual admiration societypreferred customer

even

if

the evening

only cost

me a dollar

last chance alvarado fashion outpost misguided missile a blizzard in the rain deadly smokerings

misleading halls my mother's cough.

COULD BREAK DOWN THE DOOR WOULDN'T HAVE TO KNOCK. 7 TONGUED DIALECT. WOULDN't HAVE TO TALK EITHER.IFII I

26

traveling souls.

TOO ALIVE IN HERE. JUST QUIT WITH THE DETAILS. QUIET THE BED STOP SCREAMING AT ME LIKE THE FLOORBOARDS HOWLING AT ME. A FLY IN THE BUTTER SCREAMING MY NAME. MOTHWINGED TIPPED TONGUE. EVERYTHING IS OUT OFIT'S

PLACE.

EVERYTHING JUST CAME TWO STEPS TOO CLOSE. WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF SAID IT WAS A SECRET? WOULD YOU PROMISE NOT TO TELL? armored in case of attack, in case they come backI

and look under the bed.have never been through so much mental abuse in and I'm here tell you about my experiences have Incidences toi

my life

i

descriptions and faces.*

'

Found on the

street.

1

981

27

ruthie

ruthie

rehearse simple steps smoke dripping stocking head not too shocking post-mortem

SWAMPROT THICKTHE MUCK SWALLOW THE QUICKSAND-MY SUFFOCATION GLUE THE SOULS STUCK INSIDESTUCKIN

inhaled her

and died

in

own long hair her sleep, woke up dead.

swam prot thin.JUST TAKING A SURVEY-BUT I'M TAKING CHANCES. this isjust a rough estimate, but get out.*I'M

NO

Get

real

estimates

in writing.

28

i

was offering you the biggest piece of

pretension.invisible fingers playing

a song on the bed bars.

big lies big ones.television,

supermarkets, you, you, you and you.

barbizon school of modeling, no.

cease to exist, complaining, rooster crowing,sick

stomache all day.

magic pope nicholas, not you, me.arnettelied.

her love

was like

an obstacle.

and then couldn't add and subtract anymore,i

for

all

the conversations were aboutlife.

the cold hard facts of

and nothing was said aboutor each other's

us.

good

faults.

some hidden tree climbing,swinging

down

landing,

hissing "is that

you?"

her

saying "yes,no.

it's

me."

nothing you

dream about before sleep

ever happens.no.

have

lied.

29

J

in davenport, we went to and this man walked in and the barmaid said, "how does it feel to have your own bottle behind the bar?" and he said it was okay except he drank so little it was getting stale, threw up when we got back to our room, we had eaten at a smorgasboard at the village shopping center across the highway, that night the carnival set up in the same parking lot. the carnies were staying at our hotel, one was selling speed and worked on the roller coaster, there wasn't a roller coaster though, one was wearing a black eye patch with a skull and crossbones on it. we bought a movie camera for three dollars in Chicago, george Jones and tammy wynette are playing here tonight and tomorrow (minnesota). just heard that roy brown died.i

stayed at the

tall

corn motel

the kernel lounge

i

i

DAYS OF SORROW. SALO NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD. BEAT OUT THE B E-DEVIL IN TIME TO THE MUSIC. BEATING ON THE BACK DOOR. DRAGGING ON THE BACK PORCH BANG BANG DADDY SHOOTS IT DOWN IN A HURRY.120

30

CROSS YOUR HEART AND HOPE TO DIE. THREE ON A MATTRESS. "ALL IN A LINE." DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH. BREATHING 3X AN HOUR. 2X A DAY. ROTTING ETERNAL.

TAKE IT AWAY.waxing eternal, forever on the wane, the big sad reflectionof light.

CARNAL DIOXIDE LAUGHING AT ALL THE WRONG MOMENTS.

MY HEART'S IN THE WRONG PLACE AND IT WANTS TO GOHOME.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SOMEONE WHO HATES YOU? very my sided.

LIVE INSIDE

31

YOU GO TO THE GAS STATION FOR A REFILL.run out of gas,

come back,gascanin hand, two guys dowse youwith gasoline,

you on fire, god bless petroleum, a good way to kill, drop the arms embargo,set

obvious

political

reasons,

offensive,

defensive,

aggressive bed time stories.

THERE ARE SOME THINGS IN THIS WORLD YOU CANT PROTECT YOURSELF FROM. ISOLATE CERTAIN PARTS OF THE BRAIN. COULD REALLY GET SOME WORK DONE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.I

32

AN IMPOVERED SOUL THE BASE OF THE SPINE EMPTY FROM THE OUTSIDE IN WITH NOTHING TO GO ON AND NO SENSE OF RHYTHM. SOMETIMES TIMING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. do you know where saints go to die? THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF TIME AROUND OUR DISTANCE. NOTHING CAN BECOME OF NOTHING AND NOTHING IS SACRED AND NO DO NOT KNOW WHERE SAINTS GO TO DIE.I

the sacred heart of jesus

is

shining

all

the time.

33

the truthgive

was here and killed it. up first then grow up. it's easier that way.i

adulterers

anonymous.

you cut-throat slut. 13 men. later, he "gets off"off

instead of "getting

it

on."

3 guys and a gal, just like the platters.

34

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO

LIVE INSIDE

SOMEONE

WHO HATES YOU?very

my sided.

SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID, SHE SAID. SHE SAID, YOU CAN'T BLAME A PERSON FOR THE WAY THEYARE.

SHE MEANT,I

IT'S

OKAY JUST DON'T DO IT TO

ME.

I I

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING! I'D NEVER DO THAT TO YOU. MEANT, UNLESS YOU LET ME. MEAN YOU CAN'T BLAME A PERSON FOR THE WAY THEYSAID,

ARE.

"we go skin deep to the baracting skinny.

dressed

in

an usual manner.at face valuein

go out skin deep

acting skinny with cash

hand.

sharing your goalswith with

someone you hate someone you love"*LIVE INSIDE

sharing your hate

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO

SOMEONE

WHO HATES YOU?"sharing the

same fate."* *

Rosetta A.

1

981

**l-bid

35

Chapter

SINSURANCE

black but smelling gray, somewhat akin to tb. vanishing in my wilderness, there's a party tonightat true north.

see

if

you can

find

it.

i'm vanishing in my own wilderness, you pissed in my pocket cast a spell on my pants. stumbled on a log. got insects on both legs, ants crawling in my socks and shoes. i'm crawling towards you.i i

38

are no secular misfitssaints?i

volunteer

look ma, no thumb.

to

something brought out of mothballs reduce us to ashes something born out of laughter headed for two disasters,

one is his one is mine.I

millI

get

I1

you you getlife

me} |I |1

wears a black dress

the devil drives a buick

he sits inside and eats lunch it's snowing in columbus wear an apron it's an old one with flowers I've been granted a stay of executioni

'I

||

we allit's

have.

|

the most

anyone could ever hope for.

|

the sentence stays.

li

mistakes have already been made. the beef we eat,all

Ii

the drugs we take,the heavenly ache,

j

I

themonalisatoo, these mistakes have been spoken for. these without redemption glare. and no signifigance. baseball and music are little postcards we send on our way out. children and people grow smaller in the ground. hillbillies no longer exist 39

I

j

j;

|i

i

wiped away as a generationor generalization.

only minny pearl only

is left.

heehaw.all

which brings us oh never mind.

the

way up to

barbi benton.

40

what time does the sun come up? it's rainin' pitchforks and nigger babies, we ain't seen the sun for three days,says the waitress. she said the police were watching us, driving around our truci< in circles, while slept inside it. parked at denny's. the police car drove around iti

in

circles

and then drove offinto the police version of night.

my version of night is not the same. though nothing ever happens in my version of night, still have hopes for it.i

after

a big fight

on the bed the cold shoulder comes from hotel security and managers,mates,

and the blood comes only from bare feet on broken glass. no bloody noses, too unbecoming a woman in a black slip.actually, yeah,

a bloody nose and a blackthe nightlaying

slip.

staring at the bathtub the next day,life.

down and daydreamingand screamingall

or standingit's

not

the

samebed ruins my plans.

getting out of

41

the problems of the future

2days' tragedy is tomorrow's tourist attraction, junk to treasure, a surprise in October,the sun reminds

combinations, solutions, salt water taffy, me of earth and the earth

is

stuck with me.

42

nothe blue of billiard chalk

nothe green of felt.the eight ball and the white ball

a purse full of gambling

money

enough

for limitless selections

but only two

songs don't stink.

nothing to look at nothing to hold

nothe purse went home.

a minorityespecially

is

a majority,there's only one.

when

MY HEART'S IN THE WRONG PLACE AND IT WANTS TO GOHOME.a month of mondayssentimentalhe's gladin

the south.

it's

overof

he's experienced a real desire

2 blame

someone for the sound

my voice.

43

five

within hours of eating,

hundred students reported nausea and vomiting where? on the blue screen with

one at a time, with "there is a rose in Spanish harlem" in the background music, maybe they had too much vegetables like ketchup is now. even heinz didn't agree with that one. bugs bunny's on again, he scared away a pack of butch dogs by holding up a copy of "a tree grows in harlem."the white letters that print outalright,

the

pti

club says

life is

with god.says,

get back to the basics of matthew, mark, luke and John, back to the blue screen, stock market report, we have some but, well, the stock market kinda crashed, and we ain't back to even yet. experimental investments, on the 700 club they were discussing the stock market, of course they got around to spiritual investments.lets

now which is it? we are in a fallen state of man.

a battle, it's a daily walk bunch of babies, jim barker

44

thee to thee cry and my yawning desires go awry, cafe society becomes whisl