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"1 · h1wasneverWI S adopted:'

read the note my 12-year-old son left on mybed. I thought I was prepared for these words,but they still stung. I picked up the note anddiscovered another note lying underneath.This one, written by my lO-year-old daughter,declared "I am moving to Chicago to live withNana."

I was fascinated. We are a blended family ofmy four children, two were adopted and twowere not. There are the "big kids" and the"shorties;" each group consisting of a boy anda girl, and one adopted child and one childwhom I gave birth to. Because of the blendin my house, I have an interesting laboratoryof nature versus nurture. These "love notes"came from the big kids; one note from myoldest child, Will, who was adopted, and thesecond note from my next oldest child, Elyse,my child by birth.

Why, you ask, would my children write methese messages in the first place?

It was bath time and I had directed the bigkids to bathe the shorties, 7-year-old Jamesand 5-year-old Rosie. Apparently, using the

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sort of logic that is only clear to the pre-teenset, the big kids plopped the shorties in thebath and went to watch TV.

When I ran upstairs to see why Jeff wasimpersonating a howler monkey, all I couldmanage to spit out was, "Allof you, to bed!"

After about 10 minutes, my husband, Jeff,peeked in and found our bathroom flooded.When I say flooded, I don't mean the bathrug was soaking wet, I mean more thantwo inches of water on the floor, so muchwater that it came through the ceiling to thekitchen below.

While Jeff was mopping and muttering underhis breath, I spoke to each of my kids indi-vidually and gave them the standard, "I'mso disappointed in you" lecture. It was afterdrying off and tucking in the shorties, that Ireturned to my bedroom to find the offend-ing "love notes" waiting for me.

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I have read too many adoption books tocount and so Will's words were not unexpect-ed.In fact, this was not the first time Will hadshared this sentiment with me. I knew thathe was trying to deflect attention from thereal issue: his failure to properly watch theshorties. He wanted to redirect my focus ontosomething he thought would get my goat,him wishing he was never adopted. While inmy head, I knew this to be true; it broke myheart to read that note. I suspect that in theheart of every adoptive parent is the naggingfear that another family may have been bettersuited for their child. 1 think that's why the, "1wish I was never adopted" language stings so.It seems to validate our fear.

And yet, I had found Elyse's desire to move inwith my mother comical and was tempted tohelp her pack her bags. I didn't overanalyzeit or see it as a failure in my parenting. I wasable to see it for what it was - a way for herto express her anger at me and nothing more.

When I first saw Will's "I wish I was neveradopted" note, I felt anxious, fearful thatmaybe he was right. Perhaps he would havebeen better off with another fam ily.It wasn'tuntil I looked at Elyse's note and recognizedthe similarities that T could see Will's note inthe same light. It was as if a light bulb wentoff. My children were expressing the sameroot feelings. They were telling me how angrythey were; so angry they were actively reject-ing Jeff and me as their parents.

1went to talk to Elyse first. I told her that Ihad read her note and that I understood itto mean that she was angry at her father andme. I shocked her when 1admitted that fora moment as I was watching the crack in thekitchen ceiling enlarge as the water from thebathroom upstairs poured onto my stove, 1wanted her to move to Nana's too.

However, I added, r only felt that way for asecond. "It's OK to be angry:' I reminded herand reassured her that her father and I loveher no matter what. We hugged and every-thing was copasetic once again. That is, if youinclude being grounded for a week, losingphone privileges and picking up a bunch ofextra chores in your definition ofcopasetic"

Then I made my way to Will's room. The hugesign he had just hung on his door telling meto KEEP OUT made me a bit concerned thatthis conversation may not go as well as it didwith his little sister, but I took a deep breathand opened the door. I found my big l2-year-old curled up in the fetal position on his bed.

I sat down next to him and told him that Igot his note and that I was sorry he was soangry with us. Then, I showed him Elyse'snote and an unpredictable thing happened

think benefits all adoptive parents. Often weapproach parenting situations wearing our"My Child Was Adopted" glasses. Certainly,there are situations where we should havethose glasses on. A child that is hoardingfood due to an orphanage experience shouldnot be treated in the same way as a child whohides candy because you said, "no more."

However, many times there's really nothingall that special about our adopted childrenor at least nothing unique to adoption going

However, many times there's really nothing allthat special about our adopted children or at least

nothing unique to adoption going on. They are justkids trying to get your goat, avoid a chore or getout of trouble. Iam willing to bet this is the case

more often than not. Children who were adopted

have an arsenal of stinging words at their disposaland they are not afraid to use them. Children who

were not adopted manage to find their own set ofhurtful words to sling.

- he laughed. I laughed too and things gotmuch easier from there.

The conversation was a lot like the one Ihad with Elyse. I explained that I thought hewas trying to tell me how angry he was athis father and me and that we were prettyangry with him and Elyse too. It was OK tobe angry but that we love him no matterwhat and that we are never, ever sorry he wasadopted - although there was a momentthere when I may have let him move in withNana. He received the same punishment asElyse but he nonetheless managed to tell mehe loved me too before I left his room.

I am not a parenting expert and I expect mychildren to have ample stories to fill up manytherapists' hours when they are adults, so I

make no guarantees about how I handledthat situation. However, I share it because Itook something important away from it that I

on. They are just kids trying to get yourgoat, avoid a chore or get out of trouble. Iam willing to bet this is the case more oftenthan not. Children who were adopted havean arsenal of stinging words at their disposaland they are not afraid to use them. Childrenwho were not adopted manage to find theirown set of hurtful words to sling. The wordsthemselves may be different, but the intent isthe same. As parents, our job is not to let ourchildren get our goats, get out of the choreor get out of trouble. We need to recognizethose behaviors for what they are, dole outappropriate consequences, tell our kids welove them and maybe even ship them off toNana ... at least for a little while.

Kate Terry Hlava makes her living as an attor-ney, which is useful as she spends most of hertime negotiating with her husband or one ofher four children. She is also a fledgling blog-ger at http://thrivingdespiteus.blogspot.com.

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