Addict's Family

خانواده معتادان

Addict's Family

خانواده معتادان

www.hamrah.co

About HamrahGiven that addiction is scientifically proven to be a disease, and the effectiveness of 12 Step programs towards recovery from it. Primarily aimed towards Iranian and Farsi speakers, Hamrah has been established to provide information on the disease of addiction, its various manifestations and its effects on family members.

Our hope is to empower you with information about 12 Step programs and Fellowships so that you may find the means and the support to recover and live a new way of life free from addiction.

درباره همراهامروزه شواهد علمی نشان می دهد كه اعتیاد یک نوع بیماری شناخته شده است و برنامه های ۱۲ قدمی موثرترین روش بهبودی برای این بیماری هستند. بر این اساس "همراه" که در کشور انگلیس به ثبت رسیده، ارائه دهنده اطالعات درباره بیماری اعتیاد، اشکال و جنبه های

گوناگون آن، و تاثیرات این بیماری بر اعضای خانواده است.

امید و هدف ما در همراه این است که اگر شما تحت تاثیر اعتیاد در رنج و عذاب به سر می برید، با آگاهی و شناخت انجمن ها و برنامه های دوازده قدمی راه حل مناسبی پیدا کرده و قدرت درمان و حرکت در مسیر بهبودی را به دست آورید. بدین ترتیب یک راه و روش جدید برای

زندگی عاری از اعتیاد و سرشار از آرامش و آزادی را تجربه خواهید کرد.

List of Hamrah’s bookletsOur booklets are distributed for free. You can also download the PDF version of these books on Hamrah's Website.

Disease of Addiction

Newcomers to Recovery

Addict's Family

12 Step Facilitation

Risks with Drugs

Behavior Addictions

Sponsorship Relapse

Recovery 12 Steps

Anonymous Fellowships

Table of Contents

1- Introduction.................................................................................1

2- Family Disease.............................................................................7

2-1- Family Test...............................................................................8

2-2- Why a family disease.............................................................10

Effects on children...........................................................................10

Effects on spouses..........................................................................13

Co-dependency & enabling.............................................................13

Recovery despite addiction.............................................................14

2-3- Effects on family.....................................................................15

Family rules.....................................................................................15

Emergence of unhealthy rules.........................................................16

Emotional effects.............................................................................16

Effects on spouse & parents............................................................19

Effects on children...........................................................................19

Other adverse effects......................................................................20

2-4- Family Roles...........................................................................21

Family roles......................................................................................21

Survival roles...................................................................................22

Dysfunctional traits..........................................................................24

2-5- Children of addiction.............................................................27

Consequences of addiction on children..........................................27

Dysfunctional family system............................................................28

Lack of effective communication.....................................................29

Effects of trauma on children...........................................................30

Characteristics of adult children of addicted parents......................31

When they become parents themselves.........................................35

2-6- Family worries........................................................................36

Addict’s physical health...................................................................36

Addict’s mental health......................................................................37

Addict’s behaviour............................................................................37

Addict's work...................................................................................38

Addict’s finances..............................................................................38

Addict’s friends................................................................................38

2-7- Are they addicted?.................................................................39

Warning Signs ................................................................................39

Symptoms of addiction....................................................................41

Drug paraphernalia..........................................................................43

2-8- Addiction & dishonesty.........................................................44

Why addicts lie................................................................................44

Dishonesty: the nature of the disease.............................................45

Impact of dishonesty on the family..................................................49

How to cope with dishonesty...........................................................49

2-9- How to stop them?................................................................51

The priority in an addict’s life...........................................................51

Family’s powerlessness over addiction...........................................53

2-10- Letter from an addict...........................................................56

3- Family Recovery........................................................................59

3-1- Responsibility to recover......................................................60

Responsibilities of an addict............................................................60

Responsibilities of family members.................................................63

3-2- Acceptance is the key...........................................................65

An effective view of addiction..........................................................65

Start your journey towards recovery................................................66

Effective ways to help the addict.....................................................69

3-3- Principles of healthy support....................................................71

Acknowledge your loved one’s disease...........................................71

Acknowledge the effects of addiction on your lives.........................73

3-4- Enabling Test.........................................................................76

3-5- What is enabling.....................................................................78

When helping doesn't help..............................................................78

Difference between enabling and helping.......................................79

Effects of enabling on the family......................................................81

Tips to avoiding enabling.................................................................84

3-6- Why family enables................................................................85

Hope................................................................................................85

Fear.................................................................................................86

Love................................................................................................86

Guilt.................................................................................................87

Control ............................................................................................87

Co-dependency...............................................................................87

Distraction........................................................................................88

3-7- Setting boundaries.................................................................89

What are boundaries.......................................................................89

Examples of boundaries..................................................................92

Advantages of boundaries...............................................................94

3-8- Three phases of a boundary.................................................96

Define the boundary.........................................................................97

Establish the boundary..................................................................100

Maintain the boundary...................................................................102

3-9- Emotional detachment.........................................................104

What is emotional detachment......................................................104

How to practise emotional detachment.........................................106

3-10- Constructive communication............................................109

Non-productive communication.....................................................109

Effective communication tools.......................................................113

Basics of communicating with an addict........................................119

3-11- Family support groups......................................................120

Why families need to recover........................................................120

What are family support groups.....................................................123

12 Steps of family support groups.................................................126

Figures & TablesFigures

Emotional effects on family..............................................................17

Addict’s family survival roles............................................................22

Addict's family dysfunctional traits...................................................25

Addict's family worries.....................................................................36

Addiction warning signs...................................................................39

Symptoms of addiction....................................................................41

Family's powerlessness over addiction...........................................53

Letter from an addict........................................................................56

Responsibility to recovery................................................................60

Effective view of addiction...............................................................65

Effects of enabling on the family......................................................81

Why family enables..........................................................................85

Advantages of boundaries...............................................................94

3 Phases of a boundary...................................................................96

Emotional detachment with an addict ...........................................107

Non-Productive communication with addicts.................................109

Effective communication tools with addicts...................................113

TablesAddict's family test............................................................................8

Enabling test...................................................................................76

1- IntroductionThe Addict’s Family section explains why addiction is a disease that adversely affects the family as a whole. It provides family members with suggestions on how to effectively help their addicted loved ones towards getting clean, along with suggestions based on 12 Step programs on how to recover from the effects of addiction on their lives.

The Addict’s Family section is divided into:

2- Family disease This section describes the ways in which the disease of addiction can affect family members. The information aims to help you understand how your lives may have become unmanageable because of a loved one’s addiction. In addition, information is provided on the nature of the disease your loved one is suffering from, to help you better understand their condition.

2.1. Family test To find out whether a loved one’s addiction has impacted your lives, take this test. Answering yes to the majority of these questions indicates how the disease of addiction has affected your lives.

2.2. Why a family diseaseAddiction is a family disease that stresses the family to the breaking point, impacts the stability of the home, mental health, physical health, finances, and overall family dynamics. Addiction can totally disrupt family life and cause harmful effects that can last a lifetime. This is why addiction is referred to as a family disease.

2.3. Effects on family When there is an addict in the family, each member is affected in his or her own way. Devastated by the impact of addiction and its consequences on them, each changes and uses coping mechanisms in an attempt to preserve the integrity and safety of the family unit. Yet these coping mechanisms are often unhealthy and invariably adversely impact the health and wellbeing of each family member.

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2.4. Family roles Families are organized around roles, rules, rituals, boundaries, and hierarchy. This organizational structure serves to promote the wellbeing of the family and the happiness of its members. But having an addict in the family distorts this structure and family members assume roles that naturally don't belong to them. Instead of living authentic lives, members abandon their identity and needs and become get enmeshed in the life of their addicted loved one.

2.5. Children of addiction Children of addicted parents are four times more likely to become addicts. Although there is evidence that suggests there is a genetic predisposition to addiction, however, even putting genetics aside, the emotional, psychological and behavioural patterns that addicted parents pass down to their children, puts them at a much higher risk to becoming addicts themselves. In this way, addiction becomes a family illness that is passed down from one generation to another.

2.6. Family worries Family members daily live in worry of what will happen to them or their addicted loved one. When the phone rings late at night, they brace for bad news. When there is a knock on the door, they fear for the worse. There seems always to be trouble in one form or another. Here are some of the worries commonly experienced by family members and how it can adversely impact their lives.

2.7. Are they addicted? Being able to recognize the disease of addiction in a person can be difficult. Most family members are unfamiliar with its tell-tale signs. On top of that, it is easier to deny a loved one has become addicted, so potential clues are dismissed or disregarded. But getting yourselves familiar with the signs and symptoms of drug use enables you to recognize whether your loved one has become addicted. This in turn will put you in a position to better cope with and help them.

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2.8. Addiction & dishonesty There is a saying “How do you know when an addict is lying? Their lips are moving”. By the time your loved one has become addicted, unfortunately this quote is not too far from truth. But by understanding the nature of the disease your loved one is suffering from you can emotionally distance yourself from their dishonesty, to not fall victim to the effects of addiction on your lives.

2.9. How to stop them? Seeing a loved one ruin his life with drugs, family members are desperate to get him to stop. Over time the family tries everything under the sun – but to no avail. Though it may seem intolerable, the simple truth is there is not much you can do to stop an addict from using drugs until they are ready and willing to stop.

2.10. Letter from an addict An addict is very unlikely to discuss his drug problem with the family. Fear, shame and or denial are bound to make him keep his addiction a secret. But if he could face the truth about his condition, this is the kind of letter he would write to you.

3- Family recovery Using the principles of 12 Step programs and Family Fellowships, this section provides family members with information on how to effectively cope with and recover from the effects of addiction in their lives. Suggestions are also provided on how to motivate your addicted loved one get clean in a healthy way.

3.1. Responsibility to recover Though addiction is a recognized disease, those who have spent years with the fear and shame of living with an addict may resist calling it so. They believe that to go along with the disease concept is to absolve the addict of responsibility for all the problems his behaviour has caused. But this is not the case. An addict is very much responsible for his disease and recovery from it. For family members, it is equally important they take responsibility and for acknowledging the impact of the disease of addiction on their lives.

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3.2. Acceptance is the key Acceptance of addiction as a disease is the key to family recovery. When family members acknowledge they have not caused their loved one’s addiction, when they finally surrender and let go of trying to control or stop them from using drugs; then they can start the road towards recovery and a healthier way of life.

3.3. Principle of healthy support Family members tend to base their help on the belief that addiction is a behavioural issue and that they have the power to stop their loved ones addiction. Helping grounded in such belief can be harmful to the wellbeing of the addict and themselves. If family members want to help their loved one get clean, they need to understand addiction is a disease that requires its own approach towards recovery.

3.4. Enabling testThis test is designed to help family members see whether their behavior towards their addicted loved one is helping him face his disease, or making it easier for him to continue using drugs. If you answer yes to a few of these questions, you may be helping with the progression of his disease by preventing him to experience its consequences.

3.5. What is enabling Many times family members’ attempts to help their addicted loved one actually helps them continue using drugs. This baffling phenomenon is called enabling, which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect – not allowing the addict to experience the consequences of his addiction which in turn leads to its progression and can even cause his death.

3.6. Why family enables? This page describes the common reasons why family members under the banner of “helping”, actually enable their addicted loved one. With this understanding you can question your motives as to why you act and behave in ways that not only are detrimental to your addicted loved one but also to your wellbeing and health.

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3.7. Setting boundaries Setting boundaries around your addicted loved one’s behaviours is one of the most important things that you can do for the health and safety of your family. Setting boundaries lets your addicted loved one know what is expected of him and which behaviour is unacceptable. Setting boundaries is not about controlling but reducing the impact of addiction on your lives. When the addict realizes there are limits to his conduct and behaviour, he is more likely to come out of denial and become willing to get clean.

3.8. Three phases of a boundary Setting boundaries is a process that takes time and patience. For a boundary to work effectively, it must be clearly defined and established, whilst taking into account you are asking it from someone who is suffering from the disease of addiction. What follows are suggestions on the three-step process on drawing up effective boundaries that will help protect the wellbeing and safety of your family.

3.9. Emotional detachment Emotional detachment is an important tool that ensures family members don’t become engulfed in the insanity of their loved one’s addiction. It is an important practise that helps them separates their feelings from the pain experienced by the addict. When family members practise emotional detachment they put themselves in a healthier position to better help the addict as well as benefiting from some serenity and freedom.

3.10. Constructive communications Talking with an addict is hard. In the grips of the disease of addiction, they will be alert to any threat to their drug use and they use all sorts of mechanisms to deny or justify their behaviour, which makes it difficult for family members to talk to them. But family members are in a position where their manner of communication can encourage their addicted loved one to confront their disease and become willing to get clean. Here are some suggestions on how to build such constructive communications.

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3.11. Family support groupsAddiction creates havoc in the lives of the addict and those closest to him. Though family members may believe their loved one is the only one who needs help rebuilding his life, the truth is that they too have been severely affected by the disease of addiction. Families need to recover in the same way that the addict does. They need to confront the self-defeating coping mechanisms they have adopted during the years and examine their ways of thinking and behaviour. This is not an easy task, but it is possible with the help of 12 Step Family support groups. This page explains how these programs freely offer the tools and support needed in order to recover from the effects of addiction on your lives.

Note:

• Though Addict's Family booklet refers exclusively to addiction as it relates to substances, the information and suggestions provided can be useful for behavioural addictions.

• The information provided here are not rules on how to help yourself or your addicted loved one, as this is something each family needs to decide for themselves. These are merely suggestions based on the principles of Family Fellowships that have proved effective for some of us living in recovery.

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2- Family DiseaseThis section describes the ways in which the disease of addiction can affect family members. The information aims to help you understand how your lives may have become unmanageable because of a loved one’s addiction. In addition, information is provided on the nature of the disease your loved one is suffering from, to help you better understand their condition.

The Family Disease section is divided into:

2.1. Family test

2.2. Why a family disease

2.3. Effects on family

2.4. Family roles

2.5. Children of addiction

2.6. Family worries

2.7. Are they addicted?

2.8. Addiction & dishonesty

2.9. How to stop them?

2.10. Letter from an addict

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2-1- Family TestTo find out whether a loved one’s addiction has impacted your lives, take this test. Answering yes to the majority of these questions indicates how the disease of addiction has affected your lives.

1- Are you putting all your energy into controlling the situation in the home by trying to stop your family member from using drugs?

2- Do you find yourself constantly focused on the addict in the family and how they are conducting their lives?

3- Do you feel guilty believing your behaviour or actions in the past or present has somehow turned your family member into an addict?

4- Is the addict in your family leading you to think you are the cause and are to be blamed for their condition?

5- Do you feel ashamed to have an addict in your family and do you minimize the severity of the problem – or deny it outright?

6- Do you isolate yourself from friends and community in order to keep your family member’s addiction a secret?

7- Do you make excuses for their behaviours to others or try to solve or cover up their problems?

8- Are you confused and exhausted because of their lies and manipulations?

9- Are you tired, nervous or depressed from the strain of living with someone whose behaviour is erratic and unpredictable?

Addiction Test Yes No

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10- Do you worry daily about the harm that may befall the addict?

11- Is the quality of your daily life dependant on how they are feeling and behaving each day?

12- As a consequence of your family member’s addiction, have you let your own affairs slip to the point where life is unmanageable?

Addiction Test Yes No

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2-2- Why a family diseaseAddiction is a family disease that stresses the family to the breaking point, impacts the stability of the home, the family's unity, mental health, physical health, finances, and overall family dynamics. Addiction can totally disrupt family life and cause harmful effects that can last a lifetime. This is why addiction is referred to as a family disease.

• Effects on children• Effects on spouses• Co-dependency & enabling• Recovery despite addiction

The disease of addiction affects the family on several levels. The addict is afflicted with a soul-killing and life-threatening illness that is guaranteed to rob him of his dignity, material possessions, and personal relationships before eventually ending in insanity, incarceration, or death. Meanwhile, members of the addict’s family – the wives, husbands, young children, grown children, brothers, sisters, parents, and so on – are profoundly affected. With the disease of addiction, the survival of both the addict and family members is at stake.

Effects on children• Children raised in households where one or other parent

is addicted to drugs suffer from emotional and behavioural problems that may last a lifetime. It is well-documented that such children are prone to problems like low self-esteem, feelings of loneliness, guilt, feelings of helplessness, fears of abandonment, and chronic depression. Young children of addicts exhibit a wide range of symptoms due to the stress of having an addict as a parent. Among these are frequent nightmares, bed-wetting, and uncontrolled crying.

• The children of addicts may also find it hard to form friendships, and they are often anxious about attending school. As these children grow older, they may exhibit such depressive symptoms as perfectionism, hoarding, isolating, or suffer from debilitating shyness and self-consciousness. Studies show that children of

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addicts feel that they are different from others, not as good as others – and in this way they closely resemble their addict parents. As teenagers, these children may develop phobias.

• Children of addicts often have problems in school. The stressful environment at home prevents them from studying, from focusing on tasks. They find it harder than their classmates to manage their time, to approach projects in a step-by-step fashion. Their school performance may also be affected by an inability to express themselves. They tend to have difficulty establishing relationships with teachers and classmates. The result is they often have to repeat the academic year and are more likely to drop out of school.

• Some children of addicts develop behavioural problems; they act out by lying, stealing, fighting, and truancy. The stress of live in unstable home environments manifests itself in self-defeating behaviours. Children thrive on orderly routine in the home, but these children never know what to expect from their addict parent. Because they are unable to predict what mood their parent is going to be in, these children are denied the steady loving care and guidance required for healthy development.

• It’s a paradox, though, that while some children of addicts act out in anti-social ways, others try to control their worlds by throwing themselves into their schoolwork, or by over-compensating in any of a number of ways. They yearn to prove their worth, to prove to themselves they are in control. They become over-achievers, but are denied the satisfaction that should accompany success. They may try people pleasing as a strategy to feel good about themselves. If others like them, they can turn their thoughts away from the fact they don’t much like themselves.

• At a deep, irrational level children of addicts feel responsible for their parent’s addiction. This leads them to believe they can stop their parents from using drugs if they behave in a certain way, such as performing better at school. This misapprehension is rooted in the child’s unconscious wish to exert control in a world that appears out of control. The child wants to believe he can fix his parent, and that by fixing the parent the child will finally get the loving attention and guidance he craves. Most children of addicts feel guilty for their failure to save their parents from the effects of drugs, and they spend their lives trying to assuage that guilt.

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• Crime and violence are associated with addiction, with incest, abuse and battering common in such families. Sadly, incest and battering victims often blame themselves. Because they feel guilty, ashamed, and helpless, they themselves may turn to drugs to escape the pain. And so the cycle continues. Children of addicts are people who have been robbed of their childhood. Left untreated they will carry their problems into later life in some form or other.

• Adult children of addicts often fail to recognize that the root of their problems is their upbringing in a family with an addict parent. They suffer depression, aggression, or impulsive behaviour – and they have no idea from where these problems sprang.

• Studies show that the child of an addict is much more likely to abuse drugs himself. In fact, adult children of addicts are four times more likely than children of non-addicts to develop addiction. Genetic factors play a major role in the development of addiction. Another factor is an inability to deal with stress in a healthy way. Using drugs may be their way of addressing the very consequences, such as depression, that resulted from growing up with an addict parent.

• They are frequently failures as parents themselves, often make poor career choices, and almost always have a negative self-image. Adult children of addicts often have feelings of worthlessness and failure. They also may have problems with family responsibility, repeating the behaviour of their addict parent who was irresponsible and never provided for them.

• Many adult children of addict parents have problems with intimacy and find it hard to establish healthy relationships. Their previous experience has taught them not to trust others. They learned while growing up that if they love someone, that person will hurt them, just as their addict parent did. Research has shown that many of these same children of addicts choose addicts as mates.

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Effects on spouses• The husband or wife of an addict is under tremendous stress,

which can lead to feelings of hatred, self-pity, and isolation. Living with a spouse who is an addict is exhausting, and can result in physical and mental problems. The responsibility for the home, including caring for any children, falls on the non-addict parent. All this tension may lead that parent to act unreasonably, to become demanding and irrational. Often the result is that the children are neglected.

• Financial difficulties are common. The family may have to give up certain privileges because money is being misspent on drugs instead of going to the household. The irresponsibility of the addict puts him at risk for joblessness, which is another worry added to those of his spouse.

• Addiction often ends in divorce. Not surprisingly, many family and marital problems can be traced to addiction in the home. Family members are rarely equipped to deal effectively with the addict in their midst and may make the situation worse by trying to help. Some families allow the addict to continue abusing drugs rather than confronting him, because they believe that is the best way of keeping the family together.

• It is difficult for those addicted to drugs and for family members to face up to the problem. Family members use denial to justify or rationalize the addict’s drug dependency. In the beginning, denial is understandable because every family loves and wants to protect its members, but there comes a time when denial does real damage to all concerned. When they deny the obvious and refuse to look for help, problems multiply.

Co-dependency & enabling• Members of addict families often become slaves to the addiction

themselves, in a condition called co-dependency. co-dependency is an unconscious addiction to another person’s abnormal behaviour – and it is very common. Most addicts have periods when they stop using drugs and seemingly are doing well, leading the co-dependent person to grab onto to false hope that the problem is at an end. Secrecy and keeping up appearances is important in these families. The addict’s co-dependent family members do everything possible to hide the problem, preserve the family’s prestige and project the image of a “perfect family”.

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• The spouse and children may avoid making friends and bringing other people home. Co-dependent members often forget about their own needs and desires. They devote their lives to attempting to control or cure the addict, which is pointless and counterproductive. A saying in the 12 Step fellowships described below is: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it.”

• Family members often become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who unknowingly helps the addict by denying the drug problem and helping the addict get out of troubles caused by his addiction. Out of a misguided sense of love and responsibility, the enabler will clean up after the addict – figuratively and literally -- and make excuses to his or her boss, teacher, or friends. Without meaning to, the enabler paves the way for the addict to continue using drugs.

Recovery despite addiction

• Just as there are 12 Step recovery programs for drug addicts like Narcotics Anonymous, there are 12 Step programs for family members, with Nar-anon and Families Anonymous two of the most successful. There are also 12 Step Fellowships specifically for children of addicts. These Fellowships sprang up in recognition that the thinking and emotional lives of family members suffer damage right along that of the addict. All these family support groups’ philosophy is based upon Alcoholic Anonymous’ Twelve Step Recovery Program. The main goal of these Fellowships is to help family members understand that they are not responsible for an addict’s drug problems and that family members’ recovery does not depend upon the addict’s recovery.

• Addiction affects each member of the family – from the unborn child to the addict’s spouse. Its far-reaching effects result in physical problems for the addicts, but also in physical and psychological problems for members of the family. Recovery from the devastating effects of addiction is a process for the addict but also for the family. Fortunately, there are many who have been able to heal and restore their lives through the support and program of recovery of 12 Step Family groups.

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2-3- Effects on familyWhen there is an addict in the family, each member is affected in his or her own way. Devastated by the impact of addiction and its consequences on them, each changes and uses coping mechanisms in an attempt to preserve the integrity and safety of the family unit. Yet these coping mechanisms are often unhealthy and invariably adversely impact the health and wellbeing of each family member.

• Family rules• Emergence of unhealthy rules• Emotional effects• Effects on spouse & parents• Effects on children• Other adverse effects

Family rulesEach member of the family unit learns to behave and think in ways expected of them, according to established family rules. These rules are learned over time and are largely unspoken, but they play a vital role in providing a sense of stability and safety. Understanding how family rules evolve in response to circumstances is vital to understanding how addiction impacts the family and how family members may respond in unhealthy and unproductive ways. Addiction often occurs gradually, beginning as isolated episodes that over time become more frequent and serious. Very often the person starting to abuse drugs does not realize they are headed for addiction. Family members too are often unaware of what is happening to their loved one. Part of the problem is that they may tend to minimize or deny the mounting evidence that the person is getting into serious trouble with drugs.As the drug abusing family member falls deeper into addiction, they devote more time and energy to acquiring and using drugs – and to recuperating from them. In a very real sense, another relationship – that between the addicted member and his drugs -- has become part of the family unit. The other family members may be vaguely aware that things have changed but are often unable to identify exactly what

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is happening. They only know that home is no longer a safe place; that tension and stress have replaced safety and predictability; and that the person they once knew has changed and is now chronically irritable, short-tempered, or too tired or disinterested to interact in a healthy way with the rest of the family.

Emergence of unhealthy rulesIn response to having an addicted family member whose behaviour has become erratic and unreasonable, family members develop coping strategies that over time become an integral part of the emotional and behavioural fabric of the family. The non-addict spouse, parents, or children are often forced to ignore their own needs, as well as the needs of other members, as they seek, for example, to avoid confrontations with the addicted family member, to excuse or cover up their problematic behaviours, or to deal with the financial consequences of it. Family rules that formerly provided safety and predictability are no longer working, and new rules gradually emerge. Family members consciously and unconsciously develop behaviours and coping mechanisms to adapt to and soften the impact of the addiction on the addict and themselves. These rules, which grow out of desperation to keep the family unit together, are usually unhealthy. Yet even though these new rules are adversely affecting the wellbeing of family members, they eventually become a central organizing feature of the family system.

Emotional effectsAddiction creates a complex network of unhealthy actions and reactions in the family unit. Each member is affected in his or her own way and will, in turn, affect others both in and outside the family. For example, the wife who has taken on added family and financial responsibilities feels guilty about having to ignore the needs of her children, who are themselves showing signs of lack of parental attention. Or the mother whose son abuses drugs is constantly anxious and who isolates for fear others may find out.

Families living with addiction experience a range of destructive emotions, which affect their mental health, their behaviour, and their quality of life. Among these are:

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1. Guilt Very typically, family members feel responsible for the drug problem in their midst. They believe they did something that led to the loved one’s addiction. This is particularly true of parents whose children abuse drugs. But children of addicts also fall prey to this false belief. Note, though, that addicts are very adept at picking up on these feelings and will use them to manipulate family members. The addict may also use a parent’s guilt as justification to continue abusing drugs. These irrational guilty feelings usually lead family members to act in ways that do harm to themselves and to the addict. One main response to guilt is enabling behaviour, which clears the way for the addict to continue down the path of addiction. The mother who believes that her grown child’s addiction is the result of her failure as a parent will go to great lengths to cover up for that child. She will lie for that child, will pay for lawyers, will give that child money when the child should be supporting himself. What she is doing, though her guilt prevents her from seeing it, is preventing her child from experiencing the consequences of his addiction.

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2. AngerExasperation and frustration are constants in households where addiction exists. When faced with the never-ending challenges of addiction, one typical reaction is anger. You are angry because a loved one is struck with addiction. Frustrated that no matter how hard you try, you cannot make them see the truth of their condition, and so you are angry. Overwhelmed with the damage their behaviour is causing the family, you are angry. Despite your many attempts, you have been unable to pull them out of their addiction, and so you are angry. Exhausted by your efforts to clean up the mess the addict creates, you are angry.

3. Denial & shameWith addiction comes shame and denial. There is a lot of stigma attached to addiction. Many view it as a moral failing, a sign of weakness. Though the medical establishment recognizes addiction as a disease that can affect anyone, families afflicted by addiction usually experience painful feelings of shame. Not knowing where to turn, family members may go into a state of denial. Because it is too painful and humiliating to face the reality that a loved one is an addict, family members turn their faces from the evidence. In effect, they are trying to keep the fact of the addiction a secret from themselves and others.

4. StressLiving with an addict is very stressful. While the addict sails along oblivious to his behaviour and actions, family members are forced to confront the consequences of his addiction. The family is always on edge, never knowing how the addict will behave one minute to another. They feel lost, confused and stressed, as the addict goes on his manipulative, lying way. When the addict resorts to crime to buy his drugs, when he has an accident because he was high and out of it, when he becomes violent and gets into a fight, family members may feel forced to go to the rescue to save him and save the good name of the family.

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Effects on spouse & parentsSpouse or parents of the addict typically react in a variety of unhealthy ways. They may:

• Take over chores or duties that were previously the responsibility of the addict

• Cover up for the addict, and even try to deny there is an addict in the family

• Focus exclusively on the addict and start to believe that everything in the family would be fine if only the addict got better

• Feel guilty or responsible that the family member became and addict

• Develop feelings of resentment and anger toward the addict• Withdraw socially and reduce contacts with friends and

colleagues outside the family• Lose a sense of self-respect and self-worth.

Effects on childrenChildren of an addicted parent become adversely affected and use unhealthy ways to cope. They may:

• Avoid activities with friends, especially in the family home, out of shame or fear

• Stay away from the family home because of the unpredictable behaviours of the addict: for example, when he is sober, he is kind and loving, and when high becomes violent

• Feel deprived of emotional and physical support because the addict parent is only concerned with finding and using and using drugs

• Develop counter-productive ways of dealing with life, such as acting out to get the attention they crave

• May resort to drugs or other addictive behaviours to escape from and or to cope with the unhealthy family atmosphere

• Feel torn between parents, feeling loyalty toward one and anger toward the other

• Feel a diminished sense of self-worth and value• Experience confusion and a sense of loss • Develop an inability to trust others

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Other adverse effectsOther adverse effects of living with an addict on family members can be:

• Irrational beliefs• Feelings of losing one’s mind• Disabling guilt• A sense of personal insecurity• A fear of being vulnerable• Fear of failure and success• An inability to let go and accept• An inability to have fun, and trust others• Immobilizing fear • An inability to manage stress• An inability to accept personal responsibility• Living in denial of life’s problems• Unresolved anger• Inability to handle loss• Problems accepting change• Problems in sexual and interpersonal relationships• Problems in handling conflict and problem solving• Fear of rejection• An insatiable need for approval• An inability to be assertive• A tendency to play the victim or be a martyr• Problems with power and control issues• Problems with intimacy and competition• An inability to forgive and forget• A tendency to develop an overactive fantasy life• Problems in communication• Compulsive behaviour, e.g., perfectionist, very orderly,

meticulous, rigid

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2-4- Family RolesFamilies are organized around roles, rules, rituals, boundaries, and hierarchy. This organizational structure serves to promote the wellbeing of the family and the happiness of its members. But having an addict in the family distorts this structure and family members assume roles that naturally don't belong to them. Family members abandon their identity and needs and become get enmeshed in the life of their addicted loved one.

• Family roles• Survival roles • Dysfunctional traits

Family roles• When there is an addict in the family, rules and boundaries that

help a family function well are bent – or abandoned outright – in response to the addict’s disruptive presence. With time and energy spent covering up for the addict or trying to control his behaviour or drug use, family members lose their way. The parents or children or brothers or sisters of the addict consciously and unconsciously adapt to the situation in ways that undermine the health of the family and of each member. These changes in roles and rules occur in a vain attempt at finding stability and safety amid an atmosphere of tension, fear, chaos, mistrust and unpredictability brought by addiction.

• When addiction hits the home, members of the family begin to take on roles they were never intended to assume. The wife of the alcoholic is forced to take on increased responsibility as head of the household. If the situation persists, the husband alcoholic is eventually relegated to the role of “misbehaving child” – or the relationship may become highly acrimonious and adversarial. In the meantime, the children take on unnatural roles as they try to compensate for life in a dysfunctional family, as they try to exert control in a situation that seems out of control. The children may also be trying to support their mother in her efforts to preserve the integrity of the family unit. One of the children may become what is known as the “hero child”, the one who excels in academic or athletic achievements outside the home. Another child, usually

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the youngest, becomes the ”mascot.” The mascot provides comic relief in order to decompress the tensions within the family. The end result of this compensatory role-playing is the loss of the inherent uniqueness of each individual within the family.

• Shame rules in families that harbour addicts in their midst. Though addiction is no more a moral failing than diabetes or any other medical condition, the natural reaction of families is to keep the problem a secret. Unspoken rules are created, and each family member knows enough not to tell anyone outside the home. Family members become highly invested in manufacturing an appearance of normalcy for the outside world. That this appearance does not correlate with the sad reality within the family unit is a further source of shame and stress.

Survival roles In order to endure years of addiction in the home, family members unconsciously take on a variety of “survival roles” to preserve the integrity and safety of their family. Though these roles may help them cope with the addict in the family at the time, in the long run this perverted role-playing may rob them of their potential for happiness.

The following are some survival roles family members adopt to cope with and survive addiction in the home:

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1. EnablerThe enabler means well but their efforts are counterproductive – for the addict and for themselves. This person is usually the closest to the addicted person, and their aim is to help the addict. But the reality is that they do things that allow the addicted person to continue their behaviour without facing the consequences. For example, they might cover up or make excuses for the addict’s behaviour at work or school or with friends. Or the enabler will take care of tasks that should be attended to by the addict, like paying bills, or work around the house, or getting the car serviced – or a hundred other things that the addict should be taking care of but is unable or unwilling to do. The enabler does all this because it is painful for them to confront the reality of their predicament and is desperate to protect themselves and their family. In the end, though, the enabler is left exhausted and angry – and the addict is no closer to getting better. In fact, the addict is getting the message that they don’t have to confront their drug problem because someone will always be there to save them.

2. HeroThis person is usually the oldest child in the family and their role is to over achieve, to be over responsible. They will typically be model students and, later, very career-oriented. In families wracked by shame and guilt over addiction in the home, here is a family member they can point to with pride. This child may take on the responsibilities of the addict father and become the family breadwinner at an early age. Or he may become the surrogate husband, giving his mother the emotional support she should be getting from her spouse. Heroes are seen as having it all together, as being mature and responsible. The price for putting all their energy into achieving, though, is that these heroes of the family rarely feel good inside. Instead of being in touch with who they are and what they require, they have sacrificed their emotional lives trying to preserve the family unit.

3. ScapegoatIn families made dysfunctional by addiction, one of the children will assume the role of the troublesome child. Here is someone whose bad behaviour can be acknowledged by family members – unlike that of the addict. The scapegoat brings the family together in a

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perverse way, and can make them feel good about themselves by comparison. This child also provides family members with a focus that enables them to avoid facing their own problems. In a situation at the breaking point with stress over the addict’s behaviour, the scapegoat becomes a means of releasing anger and frustration.

4. Lost ChildThis role is assumed by the child who has decided that the best way of surviving in the home made unsafe by addiction is to keep a low profile. This child is often the one who has not received as much love and care as his siblings. The lost child goes unnoticed and can disappear for hours. They learn not to ask questions that might upset others, and they recognize that the best way to avoid attracting critical attention is to keep to themselves. Because they are “out of sight, they are also out of mind”, and usually feel unimportant.

5. MascotOften the youngest child in the family assumes this role. By the time this child comes along, the family dynamic has deteriorated to a serious state of dysfunction. This is the child who is coddled and kidded, who is a source of amusement for family members. The older siblings are well practiced in their various compensatory survival roles, and their tendency is to want to protect the youngest member. They may withhold information from this child and pretend for his sake that all is well. Yet despite all the efforts to protect this child from the truth, he cannot help but discover over time that something is drastically wrong with his family dynamic. Though he may not be able to name it as addiction, it affects him just the same.

Dysfunctional traitsIn addition to the roles that family members adopt to survive addiction, there are also dysfunctional traits common among family members coping with addiction. As tension mounts within the family, the pressure to seek a solution increases. Hopefully, the family will break through the denial that surrounds the disease, and acknowledge the primary problem is addiction. It is usually at this point that members begin to look outside the family for help in solving their problem.

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Some of the dysfunctional traits family members may exhibit are:

1. Socially consciousThis family member is concerned with how the outside world perceives his family. In an attempt to counter the crippling shame that comes from growing up with an addict in the home, this member will throw himself into school work and then, later, into achieving in the business world. Hiding the truth of his family life from the world means everything. This person will lose himself as he strives above all to win the good opinion of others.

2. Troubled personThis family member acts irresponsibly and generally fails to achieve much in his life. He gets into trouble regularly, causing mayhem inside and outside the home. His bad behaviour is used by others in the family to divert attention away from the real problem of addiction.

3. ClownThis family member’s way of coping is by playing the clown, by amusing everyone. The reality of living with addiction is too painful to face, so this member of the family releases tension around the house by making light of everything and joking.

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4. RescuerThere is usually one family member who feels overly responsible for maintaining a semblance of order and safety in the home. This family member tries to help the addict and others in the family in an attempt to reduce the levels of tension, anxiety, hurt, and pain. Unable to deal with the emotional turmoil within himself, he busies himself in efforts to counter the harm done the family by having an addict in its midst.

5. People PleaserThis family member loses himself in putting all his energy into pleasing those around him. This person’s strategy is to make others like him, in the belief that he will then be able to like himself. He seeks approval constantly, is very conscious of how his family looks to those outside, strives to be perfect, and attempts to charm the world. The sad result is he becomes incapable of making decisions based on his own needs and wants.

6. Non-feelerThis family member deals with addiction in his family by pretending it doesn’t exist. He refuses to acknowledge there is a problem and rejects any suggestion to the contrary. It is usually the father who falls prey to this inability to see reality. He simply cannot accept that his son or daughter is an addict. His ego will not allow it, and so he keeps his emotions bottled up. In the end, though, his refusal to accept the predicament in the family leaves him cold and out of touch with life – and with himself.

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2-5- Children of addictionChildren of addicted parents are four times more likely to become addicts. Although there is evidence that suggests there is a genetic predisposition to addiction, however, even putting genetics aside, the emotional, psychological and behavioural patterns that addicted parents pass down to their children, puts them at a much higher risk to becoming addicts themselves. In this way, addiction becomes a family illness that is passed down from one generation to another.

• Consequences of addiction on children• Dysfunctional family system• Lack of effective communication• Effects of trauma on children• Characteristics of adult children of addicted parents• When children become parents themselves

Consequences of addiction on children• Children living in households afflicted with addiction can carry

the scars for life. The effect on these children, especially if it is their parent abusing drugs, is profound and potentially disabling. These households sacrifice stability, safety, and calm routine -- all prime conditions for raising emotionally healthy children. In their place are broad and unpredictable swings in the mood and behaviour of older family members. The stress of living year after year under such conditions is experienced as trauma by the children of the household. Normal routines are regularly interrupted by disruptive & even frightening occurrences, which become accepted as part of living with drug use. There is a disconnect with reality in these homes. What is being said often doesn’t match up with what family members sense or see right in front of their eyes. Denial of reality is a common coping tactic in families with addiction, practiced by the addict and others in the household. But the effect on children is frightening and disorienting. Little things get blown out of proportion, while the really big problems are minimized or denied outright. The family system is bent and distorted by a problem spinning out of control.

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• Children of addict parents typically are overwhelmed by powerful emotions that they lack the developmental sophistication and family support to process and understand. Their response may be to adopt one or other defenses, such as shutting down their feelings. Children have only a very limited frame of reference for life. Typically, their family is all they know, which makes it fairly impossible for them to put in perspective the sometimes bizarre and perplexing behaviour of the adults in the home. As they grow older these children will resort to denying there is a problem, rationalizing, withdrawing, and acting out as a way to control their inner experience of chaos. Later they may learn to self-medicate. In the long term, living in this intense and frightening emotional environment can set up a fear of feeling or patterns of attachment that are filled with anxiety and ambivalence.

Dysfunctional family system• Healthy families have a remarkable ability to maintain what family

therapists call homeostasis –internal stability. But addiction puts this self-regulating system under severe stress. The affected family will generally reach as a unit to address the challenge to its equilibrium. The result may be a dysfunctional sort of balance in which family members lose their sense of normal, and their priorities shift over to dealing with the addiction in their midst. Very typically, energy goes into hiding the addiction – from themselves through the mechanism of denial, and then from the children, and from the world at large. Trust and faith in an orderly and predictable world is eroded in the face of the chaos that follows in the wake of addiction. The addict cannot be depended upon, and his erratic, destructive behaviour makes it difficult for others in the family to meet their responsibilities. Promises are broken and it seems no one can depend upon anyone else for support and stability.

• Over time, family members unconsciously slip into patterns of relating that become increasingly dysfunctional. The children are often left to fend for themselves and anyone bold enough to confront the disease may be branded as a family traitor. Family members may withdraw into their own worlds or compete for the little love and attention that is available. In the absence of reliable adults, siblings may become “parentified” as they try to provide to each other the care and comfort that is missing.

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• Families with addiction wind up suffering a kind of emotional and psychological constriction in which members no longer feel free to express themselves. Over time, they lose touch with who they are. Through living in a household stalked by addiction, they have unconsciously adopted strategies for survival that involve denying their own true selves. Their genuine feelings are often hidden under strategies for keeping safe -- like pleasing or withdrawing. The family becomes organized around trying to manage the unmanageable behaviors of the addict. The strategies of family members run the gamut: they may yell, cajole, threaten, appease, harangue, criticize, understand, get fed up -- you name it. They become remarkably inventive in trying to contain the addiction and keep the family from disintegrating. The sense of vigilance in this family is constant, with everyone always on yellow alert at the very least. At the first sign of trouble, each falls into his adopted role.

Lack of effective communication• Family members suffering with addiction often wind up failing

to have any genuine connection with each other. Because unspoken family rules forbid discussion of the major issue confronting everyone – namely, the addiction –members lose the ability to communicate on any meaningful level. A consequence is that they are then unable to air the painful feelings that are a normal part of any life. These feelings build up until they break out in emotional eruptions or get acted out in impulsive behaviors, which adds to the chaos and unmanageability of the already dysfunctional home. Thus, these families become systems for manufacturing and perpetuating trauma. Trauma affects the internal world of each person; trauma hurts their relationships and their ability to communicate with their fellows. Finally, this trauma makes it difficult for them to live with another human being in a balanced, relaxed, and trusting manner. For the child in such families, there is nowhere to turn. The tragedy is that children from these families move into adult roles carrying huge burdens that cause trouble for them in relationships and in work.

• As the adverse effects of addiction increase in severity, the family has to become ever more vigilant in maintaining their defense system. Sadly, though, they are engaged in a losing battle. The guilt and shame that family members suffer, along with the

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psychological defenses they use to deny the addiction of their loved one, all too often keep them from reaching for the help they need.

• When no one in the family is communicating on a meaningful level, children are left to make sense of things on their own. The tendency in dysfunctional families to avoid discussion of important issues leads to confusion and anxiety. Being able to talk about their feelings helps children process the pain they are feeling and helps them avoid the trauma that bottling up these feelings causes.

• Without the outlet that talking provides, family members feel like they’re “falling apart”, which makes them even more resistant to facing the pain they are in. Family members may find themselves in a confusing and painful bind. Unable to free themselves from the situation, they turn on each other. The result of this stressful relational environment persisting over time is cumulative trauma.

Effects of trauma on children• Chronic, intense stress – the kind that results in trauma -- can

impair the limbic system, that part of the brain that controls our emotions. Our moods, appetite, emotional tone, and sleep cycles can all be affected. We may be less able to regulate levels of fear, anger and sadness. Our inability to regulate our moods can lead to chronic anxiety or depression or may emerge as a type of substance or behavioral addiction,

• Trauma in childhood will seriously impact development, with pervasive and long-lasting effects. We arrive in life only partly hardwired by nature. It is nurture that finishes the job. Each brief interaction between parent and child lays down the neural wiring that becomes part of our brain-body network. This is how early experiences inscribe themselves onto our nervous systems. It is how our environment shapes our emotional being and our limbic system. As infants we need to learn the skills of emotional regulation and self-soothing. We learn limbic regulation by being in the presence of the regulating relationships of parents and other caretakers, including siblings. The amygdale, which is the brain center for the fight/flight/freeze response, is fully functional at birth. This means that a baby is capable of a full-blown trauma response. The hippocampuses, which is where we make

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assessments regarding threats in our environment, is not fully functional until the age of four to five. Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex is not fully mature until around age eleven or older. This means that when a child is frightened, they have no way of understanding what is going on around them. They do not have the developmental capability of assessing frightening stimuli as to its level of threat. Nor do they have the cognitive capability to understand what’s happening. They need an external modulator, namely a parent, to help them regulate themselves and calm down. Even a sibling, caretaker or pet can help an anxious child even out his emotions. In the absence of this soothing modulation, the brain of the infant carries this disturbing memory at an unconscious level. It is stored within the body/mind as a sensory memory without the benefit of reason, insight, and understanding to help mitigate it.

• Our nervous systems are not self-contained; they link with those of the people close to us in a silent rhythm that helps regulate our physiology. Children require ongoing neural synchrony from parents in order for their natural capacity for self-directedness to emerge. In other words, it is through successful relationships that we achieve a healthy sense of autonomy. When a parent is addicted and the family environment disturbed, children have trouble acquiring these skills. They internalize what surrounds them. And not only do they internalize the disturbances in their environment mentally and emotionally, they become part of the child’s neurological wiring. It is this that can lead to psychological problems such as post-traumatic stress disorderdisorder – known as PTSD.

Characteristics of adult children of addicted parents The ability to escape perceived danger is one of the factors that determine whether a person develops PTSD. For a child being raised by addicted parents, escape is often not possible. Such children have no means to defend themselves, and they have no way of comprehending their mistreatment. The result is they often grow into adults who suffer maladaptive characteristics that are rooted in the pain and anxiety of being raised by addicted parents.

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Among the characteristics that these people show in their adult are:

1. HelplessnessHaving been raised by addicted parents, we have a deep, unconscious conviction that the world is full of danger and pain – and that there is nothing we can do about it. This sense of helplessness makes it very difficult for us to enjoy a full life.

2. DepressionAs adult children of addicted parents we have learned not to express or feel our feelings, especially anger. But it has been established that anger turned inward leads us to lives stunted by depression.

3. AnxietyApart from the constant worry that is so much a part of our life, the fee floating anxiety that afflicts us may manifest itself in a range of phobias. We also regularly suffer sleep disturbances, are hyper-vigilant, and in general suffer from a sense that the universe is a hostile place.

4. Emotional constrictionShutting down our feelings was a defense we adopted to protect ourselves as children. As adults, we continue to fear that we will be overwhelmed if we get in touch with what is inside us. We pay a high price for this unconscious strategy, namely a deadening of our emotional life. Without help we will continue to deny ourselves an authentic expression of emotion. Simply put, by trying to protect ourselves from “negative” emotions, we deny ourselves the “positive” ones.

5. Irrational reasoningGrowing up as we did in chaotic households, we may be saddled with poor problem-solving skills. Because confusion reigned in our homes, order and reason are alien concepts. As adults, we find it difficult to think rationally, because we were formed emotionally in a world where things were not rational.

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6. Relationship mistrustWhen that primary bond between the parent and the child is disrupted because that parent is lost to drugs, the result on the child is a lasting and deep distrust of close relationships. Unless we work to overcome that original trauma, we will find it difficult to maintain meaningful relationships. as adults we are unable to ask for help or to accept caring and support. In part this is because we have shut down our feelings, and in part this is because we learned not to trust those close to us.

7. Hyper vigilanceAnxiety can be a constant for those of us who grew up in households with addiction. We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always scanning the horizon for threats.

8. Unhealthy bondingWe develop an unhealthy bonding style. In relationships we are either domineering or subordinate. Power in our relationships is never healthily divided.

9. Radical thinkingImpulse control is a problem for us. One prime consequence of this is addiction to drugs or other substances. We lack discipline and are prey to all-or-nothing thinking. We have a tendency to go from one extreme to another, without intermediate stages. As children we never learned self-control or the benefit of accomplishing tasks a step at a time.

10. Extreme emotionsOur chaotic upbringing has left us prey to intense emotional states that can quickly change. We may be elated one moment and deflated the next – and for the flimsiest of reasons.

11. Risky behaviorsWe take foolish risks to counter the emotional numbness we suffer. We drive recklessly, act out sexually, spend ourselves into debt, act belligerently and get into fights -- among other behaviors. We do these things to get the adrenaline flowing so that we can feel alive.

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12. Emotional disconnectOur internal world exhibits emotional disconnects or fused feelings. For example: anger and sex, intimacy and danger, need and humiliation, money and love.

13. Survival GuiltMany of us adult children of addicted parents suffer from survival guilt. We “escaped” from our family of origin and feel guilty about those left behind.

14. Defense mechanismsDissociation, denial, splitting, minimization, intellectualization, and projection are some of the types of “character armor” we develop.

15. ReenactmentBecause we were unable to resolve issues in our family of origin, as grown-ups we may unconsciously repeat the pain-filled dynamics in a futile attempt at finally “solving” the problems we could not solve as children.

16. Relationship IssuesHaving relationships is challenging for all adults, but for those of us with addict parents, they are especially difficult. We never learned how to be present in a balanced manner. We tend to be alternately controlling and withdrawing, to be emotionally hot and then cold. We have problems with trusting, staying engaged, and with accepting love and caring from others.

17. Prone to addictionOur attempts to quiet and control our turbulent emotional world leads many of us to follow our parent’s example and start using drugs.

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When children become parents themselves• When adult children of addicted parents enter intimate

relationships, the feelings of dependence and vulnerability that are an important part of any intimate relationship make them feel anxious and at risk. Because of their childhood, they may unconsciously worry that chaos, out-of-control behavior and abuse are lurking around the corner. They have little experience in handling the inevitable problems that come with being a spouse or a parent. They may overreact in ways that create problems that otherwise would solve themselves. They may perceive themselves as helpless even if they are not. This sense of helplessness makes them prey to the old familiar feelings from childhood. The unconscious is very powerful, and with adult children of addicts, the unconscious creates a world that is out of touch with reality, a world full of danger, rage, and pain. Grafting this distorted thinking on current reality is a prescription for recreating the chaos that the adult is familiar with from his family of origin.

• Children who have been traumatized by living with addiction become very adept at monitoring their surroundings. They are constantly taking the emotional temperature of their environment. They read those around them for signs of disturbance – such as someone in a bad mood. If they sense danger, they may lapse into people pleasing to head off the potential threat. If they can calm and please their acting-out parent, they might improve their own lot. If successful, they might experience less hurt. Sadly, such people pleasing strategies get carried into intimate relationships in adulthood. When the adult child of an addict employs the survival strategies left over from childhood, he finds he is unable to live comfortably with the natural ebb and flow of intimacy.

The source of above extract is derived from: Trauma and Addiction, Dayton 2000 (van der Kolk 1987, Krystal 1968)

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2-6- Family worriesFamily members daily live in worry of what will happen to them or their addicted loved one. When the phone rings late at night, they brace for bad news. When there is a knock on the door, they fear for the worse. There seems always to be trouble in one form or another. Here are some of the worries commonly experienced by family members and how it can impact their lives.

1. Addict’s physical health 2. Addict’s mental health 3. Addicts behaviour4. Addict's work5. Addict’s finances6. Addict’s friends

1- Addict’s physical health Drug addiction leads to serious health problems. The toxic nature of the drug combined with the fact that addiction creates havoc in eating and sleeping habits takes a heavy toll. Depending on the drug, an addict may go a couple of days in row without sleep, followed by a “crash” that lands them in bed for extended periods. The addict’s appearance deteriorates. They look haggard or bloated. They lose or gain weight at an alarming rate. Family members cannot help but notice the frightening change in appearance of their loved one. The

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addict looks physically ill, and family members are confronted with fears that their child or their brother or sister is putting their life in danger. And these fears are not baseless. Addicts are at risk of diseases as varied as high blood pressure, liver and kidney problems, pneumonia, and intravenously transmitted infections like HIV and hepatitis. When the addict is out of sight for any time, family members are plagued by fears that their loved one has landed in the hospital -- or the morgue.

2- Addict’s mental health The addict is prey to heavy depressions, manic episodes, delusions, and severe anxiety – to name a few. The people living side by side with these addicts are aghast at witnessing these erratic mood swings. Being concerned about the mental health of their loved one, they worry and they are confused. The addict may suffer blackouts, during which he says and does things around family members that he later is unable to recollect. To family members, the addict appears to be going mad. They fear that the addict will go so far as to commit suicide. In 12 Step fellowships they say that in households where addiction reigns, it’s the craziest person in the family that calls the tune. Families suffer greatly as they try to accommodate themselves to the mood swings and mental gyrations of the addict in their midst. They are at a loss as how to behave towards the addict or what kind of reaction to expect from them. One minute the addict may be docile and the next minute turn violent. Living with an addict is like living with a time bomb.

3- Addict’s behaviourIt pains families to see the changes in behaviour that the addict exhibits. The addict himself is initially unaware that he is neglecting his appearance or acting out in embarrassing ways when under the influence. But family members are forced to stand helplessly by as the person who once took pride in his appearance now neglects basic hygiene, or makes a fool of himself when using drugs. Family members worry as their loved one becomes accident prone, covered in bumps and bruises. The addict seems always to be losing his wallet or keys. Or they return home minus the expensive overcoat they prized – and no idea where they left it. As their addiction takes precedence over all other matters in their life, the addict loses interest in the things that used to give them pleasure. They isolate, they shut

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themselves in their room, and they avoid their old friends. Sadly, family members who make it their goal to straighten out the addict – before the addict is ready to admit to that there is a problem -- set themselves up for frustration and anger.

4- Addict's workSuccessful employment and drug addiction do not mix. As some have said, being a drug addict is a full-time job. Holding down a job while using drugs becomes harder and harder. Sometimes the problem is as simple as being unable to get up in the morning and make it to work on time. Sometimes the addict is not alert enough to function at work. Then there are the mood swings that bedevil the addict, making him hard to get along with – at home and at the office. The result is that many an addict loses his job, which has consequences for everyone else in the family, especially if the addict is the top wage earner. The addicted husband who no longer is able to hold down a job puts a great burden on the wife, which then creates stress for the children. Financial problems – and the fear surrounding them -- are common in households afflicted by addiction. Parents whose child is addicted experience similar anxieties. They worry when their child loses interest in education, drops out of school, and become aimless and irresponsible due to drug use.

5- Addict’s financesUsing drugs costs money, and addicts will resort to underhanded means to feed their addiction – including stealing from family members. Such behaviour from a former trusted loved one -- such a violation -- devastates families. They are shocked to see the extent the addict among them will go to continue using drugs. For some family members, this is a real wake-up call. But it can get worse, with the addict turning to crime or prostitution to procure drugs.

6- Addict’s friendsFamily members worry as they see their loved one discarding good friends from his former life and mixing with hardened drug addicts. They feel threatened and uncomfortable as they see the addict, who was once selective of his friends and a family oriented person, bring to the home rough and disreputable characters.

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2-7- Are they addicted?Being able to recognize the disease of addiction in a person can be difficult. Most family members are unfamiliar with its telltale signs. On top of that, it is easier to deny a loved one has become addicted, so potential clues are dismissed or disregarded. But getting yourselves familiar with the signs and symptoms of drug use enables you to recognize whether your loved one has become addicted. This in turn will put you in a position to better cope with and help them.

1. Warning Signs2. Symptoms of addiction3. Drug paraphernalia

Please note — spotting these signs and symptoms in your loved one does not necessarily mean they are addicted to drugs. These warning signs are simply general indications common amongst those suffering from the disease of addiction.

1- Warning Signs

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1. Physical • Bloodshot eyes or pupils that are smaller or larger than normal.• Frequent nosebleeds, which can be caused by drugs like

Methedrine and cocaine that are inhaled through the nose.• Changes in appetite or sleep patterns. • Sudden weight loss or weight gain.• Seizures, without a history of epilepsy.• Deterioration in personal grooming or physical appearance.• Injuries and accidents occurring regularly, and for which the

family member is unwilling or unable to offer an explanation.• Unusual smells on breath, body, or clothing.• Shakes, tremors, incoherent or slurred speech, impaired or

unstable coordination.

2. Behavioural • Drop in attendance and performance at work or school.• Falling off of interest in extracurricular activities, hobbies, sports,

favourite hangouts, or exercise.• Complaints to the home from co-workers, supervisors, teachers,

or classmates.• Unexplained requests for money, along with general signs that

the person in question is experiencing financial problems.• Noticing that money or valuables from the home go missing.• The person in question becomes uncommunicative & withdrawn,

while acting in ways suggesting they have something to hide.• Isolating – or dropping former friends and taking up with new

ones who seem less suitable. • Surprising signs of irritability and impatience, combined with a

noted increase in the incidence of fights and arguments in the person’s life.

3. Psychological • Unexplained change in personality or attitude.• Sudden mood changes, including angry outbursts or laughing

at nothing.• Periods of unusual hyperactivity or agitation.• Lack of motivation combined with an inability to focus; appears

lethargic or “spaced out.”• Appears fearful, withdrawn, anxious, or paranoid, with no

apparent reason.

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2- Symptoms of addictionMost people who have developed the disease of addiction show physical symptoms. These can be:

1. ToleranceThe longer a person uses drugs, the more drugs they need to achieve the same effect. This is known as building tolerance. Maybe your loved one has dabbled in drugs without any obvious ill effect, but you lately notice that their use has increased. The reason may be that their tolerance has grown, which is a sign of addiction.

2. WithdrawalThose who have become addicted to drugs experience withdrawal symptoms when the substance wears off. The signs of withdrawal include: anxiety or jumpiness; shakiness or trembling; sweating, nausea and vomiting, insomnia, depression, irritability, fatigue or loss of appetite and headaches. An addict may turn to his drug of choice to allay these symptoms. If a family member exhibits these symptoms one minute, and then the next minute shows signs of intoxication, that is a strong indication they are using drugs in response to withdrawal. In severe cases, withdrawal from drugs can be life threatening and involve hallucinations, confusion, seizures, fever, and agitation. These symptoms can be dangerous and should be managed by a physician specifically trained and experienced in dealing with addiction.

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3. Loss of controlA person in the family who has made promises to quit or cut down on their drug use but has been unable to keep these promises may be in trouble with drugs. A clear indication of addiction is when a person is doing more drugs than they resolve to themselves – or others – that they will do.

4. Inability to stop despite desireThey have a genuine desire to cut down or stop their drug use, but all such efforts have been unsuccessful. In this classic situation, the drug, not the user, is calling the shots.

5. Neglect of life activitiesA major consequence of addiction is that it robs a person of the ability to enjoy life. The addict loses interest in the things that once brought pleasure. It is common for drug users – among them many whom once were active and outgoing – to give up on activities that used to be important to them. Having dinner with friends or riding their bike or going to a museum or playing the piano lose their appeal. As drugs move to centre stage, the person more and more is passing his time using drugs, thinking about them, or recovering from them. There is little energy left for anything else.

6. Continued use despite harmProblems do not deter the addict from using. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence that his drug use is interfering with his ability to do his job, is damaging his marriage, hurting his health, driving away friends and family, creating financial problems, the addict forges ahead. The insanity of addiction knows few bounds.

The source of above information is with the permission of NCADD.

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3- Drug paraphernalia Another potential sign of addiction is the ‘paraphernalia’ – the material the addict uses to take drugs. Such items include:

• Packets of paper for producing hand-rolled cigarettes• Cigarettes that have had the tobacco removed, which is often a

sign that tobacco is being combined with cannabis for smoking• Rolled up banknotes, which are used to snort cocaine• Folded and burnt tin foil; burnt or bent spoons, syringes and

needles, which may have been used to take heroin or crack cocaine

• Tiny bits of clingfilm, which are used to wrap drugs• Pipes, plastic bottles or soda cans pierced with holes, which can

be used to smoke drugs• Butane gas canisters and lighter fuel cans, which can be inhaled• Traces of unusual powder or small blocks of unknown substances• Small bottles, which may have contained Amyl-nitrate• Empty sealable bags, often about 2 inches square

To learn about the disease of addiction, its nature and symptoms please refer to Hamrah's Disease of Addiction booklet.

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2-8- Addiction & dishonestyThere is a saying “How do you know when an addict is lying? Their lips are moving”. By the time your loved one has become addicted, unfortunately this quote is not too far from truth. But by understanding the nature of the disease your loved one is suffering from you can emotionally distance yourself from their dishonesty, to not fall victim to the effects of addiction on your lives.

• Why addicts lie• Dishonesty: nature of the disease• Impact of dishonesty on the family• How to cope with dishonesty

Why addicts lieAn addict lies to protect his addiction. He lies to anyone who might threaten his drug use, and that includes himself. To continue using drugs the addict must first confront his own conscience. No one wants to think of himself as a drug addict. The very term is a condemnation. The word “addict” is associated with the beggar in the street, the pathetic wretch with a needle in his arm, the scruffy homeless man. To admit you are an addict is to admit that you suffer from a disease you have no power to stop or control, a disease that threatens your family, your home, your job, your reputation, and your integrity. The burden of shame that attaches to drug use is heavy, too heavy to bear. Also, for the addict to admit he has a problem would mean he might have to do something about it -- he might have to stop using drugs. But that’s not an option, so the addict denies against all the evidence that he has a problem. He lies to himself, makes up stories and excuses to convince himself that the drug use is under control, that it’s something he can stop when he wants. Then the addict lies to everyone else in his life. Having convinced himself that his drug use is no big deal, he is not going to let anyone else change his mind. To all questions or comments or concerns by family and friends the addict has an answer, an answer designed to hide the out-of-control nature of his drug problem.

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Dishonesty: the nature of the diseaseIn order to understand why addicts become dishonest, some understanding is needed about the nature of the disease they suffer from. By definition, when a person is suffering from a disease is because an organ, structure or system in their body has failed or functions abnormally. In the case of addiction, the prolonged abuse of drugs adversely affects the brain’s structure, changes its normal functions and making it dependent on drugs to function normally. Depending on the drug and the method used to ingest it, the result may be euphoria or a boost in energy. Drugs can initially produce these effects because they affect the brain’s communication system. But prolonged use leads to the development of the disease of addiction because the brain structure has changed and now is dependent on drugs to function normally. Although there is increasing evidence that a similar process happens in the brain’s communication system and structure with those suffering from behavioral addictions, more research is needed to prove this.

There are two symptoms prevalent in the mind of those of us who have developed the disease of addiction, they are:

1- ObsessionObsession is an unwelcome, uncontrollable and persistent thought, image or emotion that takes over a person’s thinking. In the case of an addict, the obsession is with drugs, which we abuse despite the harm done to ourselves and those around us. This is because the feelings of euphoria created by drugs are intense – and we seek endlessly to recreate those first highs. As addicts, we become obsessed with finding and using drugs because the effect of drugs on the brain is -- though unnatural -- very powerful. Drugs produce the illusion that we are powerful and in control. We take drugs and suddenly find ourselves capable of doing things we normally fear. We feel ecstatic, carefree and confident to overcome any problem – and the brain likes these feelings, even though they are unnatural. It is this cycle that leads to our obsession. One of our biggest obsessions as chronic addicts is our determination to prove we can manage our drug use and that we are normal. Very likely, the fact that we are powerless over our drug use is too hard for us to acknowledge. So we try anything to prove we are in control of our drug use. If you are a chronic addict still fighting against admitting

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to your disease, ask yourself how many times you have tried using drugs in moderation and have failed. How many times have you promised yourself you would not use drugs, only to find yourself days later in a blackout or at the end of another run?

2- InsanityThe second symptom prevalent to our minds is insanity. Insanity can be defined as thinking that is not whole, rational, logical, or based in reality. Our thinking becomes abnormal due to the powerful and unnatural ways in which drugs disrupt how our brains send, receive and process information. We lose the ability to make sane decisions and judgments.Our insane way of thinking leads us to harmful behaviours and actions that ultimately make our life chaotic. How many times have we fooled ourselves into doing drugs again, believing that this time we can manage them and that the results will be different? How many times have we abused drugs despite all the evidence we have of the destruction to our families and ourselves. Those around us see our behaviour as crazy, but to us it seems normal.

There are certain insane thinking patterns and character traits common to most chronic addicts. Below is a description of some of them:

1) Denial Denial is a defence mechanism we use to convince ourselves and others that we do not have a problem with drugs. We may not even be aware we are in denial because drug abuse has impaired our ability to think rationally. But being in denial keeps us in our addiction despite all the harm our drug use causes us and others. Those in 12 Step programs say, “Addiction is the only disease that tells the sufferer that the disease doesn’t exist”. Denial is our way of avoiding the painful reality of our addiction. Because we are too frightened to admit we have become addicts, we simply deny that there is a problem. Ultimately, denial enables us to live in a fantasy, a place that is familiar to us and where we feel safe despite how much pain we may be experiencing. Yet it is our denial that keeps us a prisoner to addiction. So long as this defence mechanism has us in its grip, we are slaves to drugs.

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The list of the types of defence mechanisms we use to stay in denial is long. Here are some of the defences we use to allow us to continue our drug abuse:

• Justification: Justifying to others or ourselves why we abuse drugs. “If you had a life like mine, you would use drugs too”.

• Rationalization: Giving illogical reasons for why we abuse drugs. “I need drugs to have fun and feel confident”.

• Blaming/Playing the Victim: transferring responsibility for our drug abuse and behaviour to other people as an excuse to use drugs. “My husband treats me badly; I need to use drugs to put up with him”.

• Minimization: Refusing to admit how much and how often we are doing drugs. “I only use drugs occasionally; I can manage it”.

• Intellectualization: Using faulty logic to convince ourselves and others that there isn’t a problem. “I need to take drugs to feel creative and do a better job”.

• Dishonesty: the truth about our drug abuse is a reality too hard for us to face, so we lie, distort the truth or leave out important details. “I don’t take drugs for pleasure; I need them for medical purposes”. “I don't do drugs everyday -- only on weekends”.

• Manipulation: We argue, tease, mock, con, etc. when confronted with our drug abuse. “I don’t use that much, and I can stop anytime I want”. “I don’t have a problem; you are the one with the problem”.

• Isolation: Keeping ourselves isolated from others so we can continue drugging.

2) Self-centredness / SelfishnessAnother mental feature of the disease of addiction is what it does to us as people. Those around us may call us selfish, because it seems our only priority is ourselves, and all we seem to do is chase after drugs. They think we have a choice or are just doing it for pleasure. But when suffering from this disease, we have no choice but to be “selfish”, for we need drugs to survive and will put them before everyone and everything.

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3) Grandiosity The great two-edged sword with us addicts is our grandiosity, our exaggerated sense of self-importance. When we first use drugs, we experience a sense of power and control. We believe in the illusion the drug creates and think ourselves better, smarter, special, and more important than others. We are not content, nor take pleasure, in normal life, but want more and more. We believe we can succeed where so many others have failed; we strive for more money, more power, more and more prestige. We buy into the fantasy the drug creates of ourselves. Ironically it is this grandiosity that can prevent us from seeking help to recover. We may believe we are different from others, too far gone down the ladder, or that a 12 Step program may help others but not us because we are different -- or special! This feeling about ourselves is referred to as “terminal uniqueness” in 12 Step programs. It is also said in 12 Step programs that low self-esteem and grandiosity are two sides of the same coin.

4) Radical change in personality when intoxicatedAnother feature of how the disease of addiction distorts our way of thinking is how our personality radically changes when we abuse drugs. We may be the kindest people on earth, but when we put drugs into our system we suddenly become monsters. We lose our sense of morality and act in undignified ways. We resort to crime or unbecoming activities because the need to use drugs directs our actions. We never know how we are going to react, what character we are going to become once we use drugs. The tragedy is that the disease of addiction has distorted our thinking. We believe the lies we tell others to protect our drug abuse. Dishonesty becomes second nature, making it difficult for us to face the reality of our disease. Many of us must hit rock bottom before we can finally accept our disease. It is then that the pain caused by our addiction becomes so great that it breaks through our defence mechanisms. Sadly, many die before reaching this point, because the truth was too hard to face. Drugs damage our mind, so relying on our thinking is of no use if we want to stop. As chronic addicts, we don’t have the mental ability to help ourselves. Abuse of drugs has taken that power away. We need the help of a Power greater than ourselves if we want to recover. It is the belief and reliance on this Power that can bring forth a solution for our disease of addiction.

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Impact of dishonesty on the familyThe impact of the addict’s dishonesty on family members is damaging in a number of ways. Family members will very often:

• Lose trust and respect for the addict, and begin to resent him• Find it hard to connect with the addict – and with each other

-- and then lose hope of an honest and mutual relationship with him

• Feel insulted, frustrated and exhausted as their requests for the truth are met with justification, defensiveness, anger, or claims of unfair treatment

• Question their sense of reality, thinking that what they are seeing, hearing and feeling is a fabric of their anxious imagination. They begin to feel they are going mad!

• Fall victim to the addict’s manipulative ways and to believe the addict’s version of things. Slowly it becomes easier for family members to live in a lie as well, rather than confront the addict. Along with the addict, they fall into the habit of denial.

• Lie and manipulate to cover up for the addict in an effort to preserve the good name of the family

How to cope with dishonestyWhat can be done when the addict’s lies have been effective? What should you do when the addiction has gained ground with your self-doubts, and you find yourself acting dishonestly to protect the addict and the family name? Basically, the question is how do the family members stop themselves from falling victim to this disease? How can they cope with addict’s dishonest behaviour?

Here are some suggestions to keep in mind:

1. First, do not take the lying personally. The addict is not trying to hurt you. They are suffering from a disease that has taken over their life. They lie in order to deny their addiction and protect their drug use.

2. Remember too that the addict lies indiscriminately. It is not only you they are lying to. To continue their drug use, they need to hide it, to pretend that all is well. They make up stories and pretend to the world that the problem does not exist.

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3. Do not waste your time arguing or pleading with the addict to get them to see the truth of their predicament. This is a pointless exercise that will only frustrate you. An addict actually believes the lies they tell – it is their version of the truth and you can’t convince them otherwise. So there is no point in confronting them.

4. It is very important to remember that you do not have the power to control or stop their disease of addiction! This truth cannot be over-emphasized.

5. Keep the focus on yourself. Stop listening to the addict’s lies or trying to convince him of the truth – or to get that addict to see reality. It’s more important that you see reality.

6. Tragically, many family members living with addiction waste their lives in a futile attempt at fixing the addict. Meanwhile, they are condemning themselves to year after year of fear, anger, and frustration. The only power we have as family members is the power to control how we behave and react towards the addict’s dishonesty.

7. Though it may at first be hard to believe, it is our CHOICE to become angry and frustrated at the addict’s refusal to see the truth. It has been proven, though, that we can choose to accept the addict is suffering from a disease that we have no power to control or cure.

8. Family members should consider joining a 12 Step fellowship in order to recover from the impact of living with addiction. Decades ago it was established that those living with addiction suffered ill effects right along with the drug abuser. It was discovered that just as the addict needs to recover, so too do the family members. Out of this realization came 12 Step fellowships devoted to family members. The first Step in these 12 Step programs is an admission by the family member that they are powerlessness over the disease of addiction.

9. Remember that addiction is a disease marked by dishonesty. The addict’s goal in life is to protect his access to drugs. Nothing else matters more. Remember also that neither you as a family member nor anybody else can make the addict stop until he is ready to stop. Once you accept these two truths, you can get on with your life, which has been crushed under the burden of accommodating yourself to the addict and the insanity that addiction produces.

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2-9- How to stop them?Seeing a loved one ruin his life with drugs, family members are desperate to get him to stop. They point out to the addict how the drugs are hurting him, they reason with him, they bribe him, they threaten him, they plead. Over time the family tries everything under the sun – but to no avail. Though it may seem intolerable, the simple truth is there is not much you can do to stop an addict from using drugs until they are ready and willing to stop.

• The priority in an addict’s life• Family’s powerlessness over addiction

The priority in an addict’s life • One of your family members is an addict, and he or she is driving

you crazy. This person steals from you, lies to you, manipulates you and hurts you, yet says he loves you and promises to give up drugs. You want to believe his promises, even though experience shows they are baseless. Out of love or to save the integrity of your family, you do all you can to rescue him from the troubles he gets into. You give him money to pay his debts or you bail him out of jail. You shower him with affection and assure him of your love. You beg, you plead. You even pay for him to go to detox yet soon after he starts using drugs again. Then you turn to threats. You argue with him. You point out how he is ruining not only his life but everybody else’s too. Finally you get tough and throw him out of the house, but sooner or later you find yourself taking care of him again. You realise no matter what you do, be it punishing or compassionate, he continues his drug use. Exhausted and at the end of your tether, you wonder why with all the pain and harm his addiction is causing him and the family, he will not stop.

• The truth is your loved one is suffering from the disease of addiction. He has a mental disease that has distorted his thinking to the point that he is beyond reason. His addiction means he will use drugs regardless of the severity of its consequences. An addict is in the grip of a powerful obsession to use drugs

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because their brain structure and its communication system have become disrupted. Even if he acknowledges he has a major problem, he will find it very difficult to stop using only his own willpower. This is because his body has become dependent on drugs and if cut off from those drugs, the addict will react with cravings and painful withdrawal symptoms. In a very real sense, with an addict, drugs are in charge of his life. He has lost the power of choice and control over his drug use -- and he needs to use to survive.

• Once the disease of addiction has developed, it takes over every aspect of a person’s life. Their priorities change radically, and everything apart from using drugs becomes unimportant. Anything that gets in the way of feeding the disease is disregarded and sacrificed, including relationships with family and friends. An addict may, of course, be at heart an honest, caring person. But when addiction takes hold, integrity and moral considerations become non-existent. Because of the insanity brought about by the disease of addiction, they can justify any act no matter how reprehensible. Reality is painful for the addict, so escaping it becomes a priority. As his disease consumes him, he begins to live in a world of fantasy where drugs rule and denial reigns. Though drugs begin to ruin every aspect of his life, this is the place where – paradoxically -- he feels safe and protected. Living detached from any sense of reality, he acts in ways that are selfish and incomprehensible to those around him. He steals from his family; he puts them and others at harm. He manipulates and lies and blames, which is all acceptable in the fantasy world to which he has retreated. This is the insanity brought on by the disease of addiction. It’s a power beyond his control – until he is desperate enough to honestly ask for help from others.

• For information that explains the disease of addiction, please refer to Hamrah's Disease of Addiction booklet.

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1. Prevent them from hitting rock bottom • An addict will use drugs until he reaches the point where he has

had enough, until the burden of addiction is too much to bear. In the language of the recovery community of 12 Step Fellowships, this fateful occasion is called hitting rock bottom. It happens only when the pain of addiction and its consequences are great enough to break through the armour of denial and fantasy that the addict has built around himself. For many this occurs only when circumstances have reduced them to such a state they no longer can deny the reality of their condition. For some it may be that they have come close to death, perhaps through an attempted suicide or an overdose. For others it may be while sitting in jail or a hospital or a mental institution that they realize what drugs have done to them. Usually it is at such dire crossroads that the addict acknowledges that his attempts to stop his drugs have been futile. And then, finally, he can surrender by admitting his powerlessness over his disease, and become willing to ask for and accept help. The irony is that the family may be the biggest obstacle to the addict reaching the point where he becomes ready and willing to let go of his addiction.

• Those who know the nature of this disease recognize that most addicts need to hit a rock bottom before they take the actions necessary to get clean. But the instinct of the family is to rush to the aid of their loved one, thereby sparing him from experiencing the consequences of his drug use. Yet the addict’s best chance

Family’s powerlessness over addiction

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of getting clean is when he feels those consequences. In the words of 12 Step Fellowships, the addict will seek recovery only when he is sick and tired of being sick and tired. This is the sad truth, a truth that family members find incredibly difficult to accept. To take one example, it may seem impossible for a mother to accept that the best thing she can do for her son or daughter who has just been arrested is to let them experience the consequences of their addiction. So the mother will rush to bail the addict out of jail, and then perhaps pay for a lawyer, and buy them new clothes so they look respectable at the court hearing. Maybe they accompany the son or daughter to court, thereby making sure they arrive on time. All these types of “helping”, unfortunately, are counter-productive to addicts for it hinders their journey to what could be the awakening of their circumstances.

2. Refuse to believe addiction is a disease • Though it certainly is not their intention, family members that

help in such ways are making it easier for their addicted loved ones to continue using drugs. The family is enabling the addict, which is common but destructive to the addict’s chances for recovery. Families tend to act this way because they falsely believe addiction is a moral issue or a behavioural problem that can be stopped if the addict only tries hard enough. They are not aware that their loved one is suffering from a primary disease that has nothing to do with being a “bad” or a weak person. Family members need to realize they cannot make their loved one stop his drug use. The fact is that unless the addict accepts his condition and wants to get clean, there is not much the family can do to help him. The use by the family of bribes, threats, punishments, appeals to reason, or declarations of love are all based on the mistaken belief that they have power to stop their loved one’s addiction. The family is under the illusion that through their “helping” the addict can change the way he acts, as if his addiction is a simple matter of behaviour. But, of course, addiction is not a moral failing or a behavioural problem or a weakness of will – it is a disease. Like any other chronic and primary disease, it needs to be treated in a proper way.

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3. Rescue them from addiction consequences• When family members rescue their loved one from the

consequences of his addiction, they serve only to shelter him from reality, In doing so, the family prolongs the pain and suffering for the addict and those around him. This enabling behaviour springs from the family members’ mistaken belief that they have power over the disease of addiction, that they have the power to stop their loved one’s drug use. Belief in this power leads them to take unhealthy actions that do the addict no good, while meanwhile making their own lives miserable and unmanageable. By jumping in to save the addict, by making the problems of the addict the focus of their lives, family members become enmeshed in the insanity of this disease. The result is anger and frustration.

• Addiction is known as a family disease for the good reason that families commonly fall into the trap of trying to rescue the addict. They think they are doing the right thing, and that their actions will help their loved one find his way out of addiction. The sad fact is that all their efforts are doomed to failure, and the only thing they are doing is creating unhappiness for themselves. When family members finally accept that their loved one is suffering from a primary and chronic disease which they too have no power over – Step 1 of Family support Fellowships, they become ready to start their own recovery. By accepting their limits regarding the addiction, the family is opening the door to the addict becoming willing to take the necessary actions to recover from his illness. Just as the addict will find the tools of recovery in a 12 Step Fellowship, so too can the family find their way back from the insanity of living with addiction by following the suggestions offered by 12 Step family groups. Not only will family members discover relief in these groups, they will also learn what they can do to support and encourage a loved one finding his way towards recovery.

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2-10- Letter from an addictAn addict is very unlikely to discuss his drug problem with the family. Fear, shame and or denial are bound to make him keep this problem a secret. But if he could face the truth about his condition, this is the kind of letter he would write to you.

Dear family members,

• I am an addict and in the grip of a compulsion that is equal parts mental and physical.

• The drugs have robbed me of willpower. Though I may have started using drugs recreationally, now that the disease has progressed, I have no choice but to use them.

• Please try to understand that I suffer from a disease, and that my drug use is not the result of a moral failing or weakness of will. Simply put, I want to stop but cannot.

• I appreciate your attempts to help me get clean, though I may not always have welcomed them. You argued with me, you tried to bribe or threaten me. But your efforts have been ineffective because they were based on the false belief that I have the power to stop my drug use if I wanted to.

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• The scolding is actually counterproductive because it make me feel even more ashamed and guilty than I do already. Please realise that addiction thrives in shame and guilt.

• Though I know it is hard to understand, the fact is I have disease – the disease of addiction. As with any chronic illness, willpower will not heal me – and neither will your attempts to convince me that I am hurting myself. Deep down I have known that for a long time. The sad truth is I suffer from obsessions and cravings beyond my control.

• I made promises that I would stop, but never kept those promises. Many times I was simply telling you what you wanted to hear to get you off my back. It is also true, though, that many times I really meant to keep those promises.

• I realize that raising your hopes with promises that I would stop was cruel, and that those false promises effected your lives severely and only drew you deeper into the insanity that is part of my addiction.

• I don’t know how this happened, why I became addicted to drugs. I know that you feel guilty, as is somehow you are responsible for my condition. But these types of feelings only enables me to continue using drugs.

• Though it may be hard to believe, helping me to get out of trouble only prolongs my addiction and thus suffering. Better let me suffer the consequences of my behaviour as I will have a greater chance of coming out of denial.

• Covering up for me to save the good name of the family has only made the problem worse, though I am genuinely sorry for the shame and disgrace my behaviour has brought on the family.

• I want you to believe that you did not cause my addiction, and neither do you have the power to control or cure it. This disease that is effecting us all so bad, is bigger than all of us.

• The best way you can help me is to comprehend your own lack of power over the disease of addiction and accept that your lives too have become unmanageable as a result of it.

• The good news is that there is a solution and I can recover. What I need is what these recovering addicts have, namely the proper kind of help and support to take actions necessary to recover from this disease. The kind of support I am talking about is found in the well-established and well-regarded 12 Step Fellowships, which have proven their effectiveness.

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• You can help me too, and that is by helping yourselves. It has been shown that addicts have more chance of recovering when their families start to distance themselves from the insanity of the addiction. Having my family consumed by my addiction – instead of living their own lives – is a barrier to my recovery.

• I ask you to keep the focus on your own lives and give me the right and respect to live my life, however destructive it may be. I know “letting go” of me and my addiction is difficult, but there is much experience that shows this is the most effective way to help me. The fact is that no one is helped – certainly not me – when my family runs away from reality, when it denies the seriousness of the problem and the harm it is doing to every member of the family.

• There are organizations designed to support the family of addicts. These are 12 Step Fellowships and they have a long history of helping family members of addicts learn to overcome the distorted thinking and emotional pain that come from living with addiction. On top of helping yourselves, you will be helping me, because you will be learning how to avoid perpetuating the disease. You will stop being enablers and become people, who have rediscovered their own priorities in life.

• Above all, never forget I am an addict, I suffer from a disease called addiction and the best way for me to get clean and stay clean is through working the 12 Steps and the support of Fellowships.

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3- Family RecoveryUsing the principles of 12 Step programs and Family Fellowships, this section provides family members with information on how to effectively cope with and recover from the effects of addiction in their lives. Suggestions are also provided on how to motivate your addicted loved one get clean in a healthy way.

The FamilyRecovery section is divided into:

3.1. Responsibility to recover

3.2. Acceptance is the key

3.3. Principle of healthy support

3.4. Enabling test

3.5. What is enabling

3.6. Why family enables?

3.7. Setting boundaries

3.8. Three phases of a boundary

3.9. Emotional detachment

3.10. Constructive communications

3.11. Family support groups

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3-1- Responsibility to recoverThough addiction is a recognized disease, those who have spent years with the fear and shame of living with an addict may resist calling it so. They believe that to go along with the disease concept is to absolve the addict of responsibility for all the problems his behaviour has caused. But this is not the case. An addict is very much responsible for his disease and recovery from it. For family members, it is equally important they take responsibility for their behaviour towards their addicted loved one as well as acknowledging the impact of the disease of addiction on their lives.

1. Responsibilities of an addict2. Responsibilities of family members

1- Responsibilities of an addict

1. Acceptance of disease of addiction• It is painful for family members to see someone they love

destroying himself through drug abuse, so they naturally want to help. But imagine that loved one was suffering from a disease like diabetes but refused to admit it – and refused to take any steps to treat the disease. But think about it: if they don’t believe they suffer from diabetes, why would they want to take insulin or manage their diet? Remember that denial is a necessary component of addiction. They will resent your intrusion, your attempts at helping them. This is how it is dealing with an active addict. They are deaf to your attempts to help them. Or worse

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than deaf, they bitterly resent your suggestions on how they should change. Your attempts at helping are counter productive, because you risk shutting down all communication. It is a hard fact for family members to face, to see their loved one deteriorate before their eyes and feel powerless to help him. But your acceptance that they are suffering from a disease for which they alone are responsible is the start of your own recovery. It is possible to reclaim peace of mind and wellbeing. You are also helping the addict, though it may seem like a strange concept, since now you have stopped trying to help. But to finally let go of trying to control their lives means having respect for them as human beings who are adults and responsible for caring for themselves and taking care of their problems.

• As with any illness, the afflicted person must see the truth of their condition before they will do anything about it. This is simple logic, and with drug users the chance the afflicted person will unconsciously choose to deny the problem is great. The drug user has a vested interest is turning a blind eye to their addiction, because to admit there is something amiss is to threaten their continued use of drugs. For the active addict, that admission will come only after the pain has become intolerable. Although the love and support of family members can be pivotal to help them come out of denial and enter recovery, it is up to the addict to face reality. No one can do it for him, just as no one can do the work that the recovering addict must do to maintain his recovery.

2. Actions to recover • Having made the decision to give up drugs, it is the addict’s

responsibility to take the actions necessary to maintain his recovery on a daily basis, such as going to Fellowship meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the 12 Steps. Even a relapse is no excuse to return to a life of using drugs. Once the addict admits to himself that his drug use is out of control and that he wants to stop, his number one priority in life must be to work a program of recovery. For that, he is solely responsible. 12 Step Fellowships provide an explicit program of recovery for members, a blueprint on how to lead a life free of drugs. This program calls for member to take certain actions as they gain clean time. Among these suggested steps is that addicts in recovery face up to the harm they have done others. The addict doing this part of the program

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will draw up a list detailing the ways that his past behaviour hurt others, which of course includes family members. Making such a list, seeing it in black and white and talking it over with a sponsor and others in the Fellowship helps the addict break free of denial, the denial that works to downplay the seriousness of the disease. Experience shows that an addict can greater guarantee the maintenance of his recovery when he takes responsibility for the consequences of his addiction and makes restitution and amends to those he has harmed. Taking responsibility for themselves and their actions – past and present – is a cornerstone of recovery in 12 Step programs. So there is no good reason for any family members to be irked by the notion that the addict gets off the hook for their behaviour if they accept he has a disease. As stated previously, the medical establishment categorizes addiction as a disease. More importantly, it is by coming to grips with the truth of the nature of the disease of addiction that the addict has his best chance at recovery – and for undoing some of the harm he has done.

• Family members are never able to cure their loved one of addiction, no matter how hard they try. The greatest repository of wisdom about addiction is found in 12 Step Fellowships, where they say that only the addict can decide he is ready to recover. But families may resist this fact, despite their many failed efforts to straighten out the addict. Simply put, though, short of institutionalization, nothing will stop the addict from using drugs until he is ready to stop.

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2- Responsibilities of family members

1. Admission of powerlessness over addictionFamily members stand on the front lines when addiction hits home. They often find their lives taken over by addiction -- and the madness that comes in its wake. They are angry and frustrated about their loved one’s predicament and their own inability to fix the problem. The years pass and they find that their strategy of rushing in to help the addict out of one predicament after another has left the family exhausted, depressed, and at the end of its rope. Meanwhile, the addict remains deep as ever in his addiction. When there is addiction in the family, no one escapes unscathed. The good news is that family members can recover and enjoy life, regardless of whether the addict finds recovery. It’s up to you as a family member to get better or to continue down a path guaranteed to cause more you more pain and frustration. It is about making choices and taking responsibility for these choices. Ultimately the choice for each member of the family -- including the addict -- is whether to accept powerlessness over the disease of addiction or to continue the futile battle toward a bitter end.

• There is a very curious and counter-intuitive dynamic at play in households ruled by addiction. Namely, the more a family denies their powerlessness to control the addict’s drug use, the worse that drug use is likely to become. When the family is out of touch with the basic reality of addiction, they obsess in trying to fix the addict time and again despite repeated failures. Ironically it is this very fantasy - the denial of their family predicament -- that enables the addict to continue even further into his addiction and thus make everyone in the family more miserable.

2. Actions to recover from effects of addiction• Family members need to recover from the very real damaging

effects of living with addiction. In trying to work around the chaos produced by the addict in their midst, family members adapt a range of maladaptive and dysfunctional behaviours that do great harm to their emotional lives. In seeking vainly to preserve an image of the family they deem acceptable to the outside world, family members lose themselves. To heal themselves and being to enjoy life, family members need to take responsibility for

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their own feelings and the way they act – and react. In 12 Step programs devoted to family members, this is called “keeping the focus on yourself”. This work is very necessary for those dealing with an active addict, but is also important even as the addict gives up drugs and enters recovery.

• A major pitfall for families harbouring addicts is engaging in what is termed “enabling”. When the family expends energy solving the problems the addict brings on himself, that’s enabling. This is a natural reaction in dealing with a loved one who is in trouble and needs help. But it has been proven that jumping in and rescuing the addict from the trouble he creates with his drug use is counter-productive. Enabling paves the way for the addict to continue heedlessly down the path of addiction. Family members will tolerate intolerable behaviour and situations over a long period of time. They invest time, energy, and other resources in propping up the addict, and in the process neglect their own lives.

• Blame becomes a constant in these households. Family members blame the addict for the problems he creates. Then the addict, playing on the guilt that usually crops up in family members, will blame them for the problems, or even for the drug use itself. This guilt in turns propels more enabling behaviour. Often family members get to the point where they blame the addict for choices that were theirs alone, saying, "I had to do ____ because you did _______". They blame their misery on the addict, not realizing that they have choices. Among these choices is the decision to bring the focus on themselves and work a program of recovery to heal from the effects of addiction on their lives.

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3-2- Acceptance is the keyAcceptance of addiction as a disease is the key to family recovery. When family members acknowledge they have not caused their loved one’s addiction, when they finally surrender and let go of trying to control or stop them from using drugs; then they can start the road towards recovery and a healthier way of life.

• An effective view of addiction• Start your journey towards recovery• Effective ways to help the addict

An effective view of addictionNo group of people know better what it is like living with an addict than those in 12 Step Fellowships devoted to families. These Fellowships suggest that when members feel guilty or ashamed about the addict they should remind themselves: “I didn’t cause, I can’t control, I can’t cure it”. Contained in these simple words is the wisdom earned over many years by countless family members who have dealt with the same problems that you are dealing with. Coming to terms with these simple truths, you will realize the limits of your power in dealing with the addict. In doing so, you will finally be able to offer real help to that suffering loved one, while also relieving yourself of a heavy and needless burden.

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1. You didn't cause the addiction. It is not your fault your loved one is addicted to drugs. Repeat that to yourself: “It is not my fault”. Despite what you have come to believe, you did not drive that person to use drugs. Maybe the drug user has suggested you are the cause of the problem. Don’t believe it. The addict is highly resistant to taking responsibility and happy to put the blame on you. Remember too that you make the situation worse by taking responsibility when you should not. Think about it: if you are to blame, then that means the addict is free to use drugs without any feelings of responsibility. Your love or lack of it can no more compel someone to abuse drugs than to become diabetic. You are powerless over the disease of addiction – this is the first thing to remember. 2. You can't control the addiction. Unless the addict wants to give up drugs, your attempts at controlling the situation will be futile. Under pressure, the addict may ease off for a while, but they are bound to relapse. It’s only when the addict makes the decision that he wants to stop because he has had enough self-imposed misery that recovery can begin.

3. You can't cure the addiction. Unless you are a doctor, you likely will accept that you cannot cure diseases. In the same way, if your loved one is an addict, accept that you cannot make him well. Clinging to the belief that you can cure the addict worsens the situation. You make it harder for the drug user to get well, because you make yourself the agent of recovery. But it’s the addict alone who can make the decision to stop using drugs. Take that decision away from him and you diminish his power to find his way out of addiction. As with any illness, the sick person must first accept they suffer from a disease before they will do anything to address it. Unless you as a family member is clear on this point, you will cause yourself much heartache and frustration in fruitless attempts to force the addict to get well.

Start your journey towards recoveryTaking care of ourselves is a big part of recovering from the stress and frustration of living with addiction. One of the ways we do this is by “letting go”. One meaning of this is we let go of the illusion that we have power over a loved one’s addiction.

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Here are some of the ways we can learn to do that:

• You can win peace of mind if you accept you are powerless over the disease of addiction. Give up all your fruitless attempts at trying to convince the addict to change or trying to force them to behave as you wish. Remember you cannot force someone to change if they are in denial and are unwilling to.

• Letting go does not mean that we let the addict run roughshod over our lives. Just the opposite is true. When we finally come to terms with the truth that addiction is a disease, and that we are powerless to stop the addict from using drugs, we gain clarity. We know what to expect from the addict and what we must demand of him. We can focus on what is best for ourselves and best for the family. We stop bargaining and arguing with the addict. We stop feeling guilty. Though we know we cannot cure the addict, we do demand that the drug user follow the rules we set down for the good of the household. We don’t let them bring drugs into the house; we don’t allow their drug addict friend into the home either; we don’t bankroll them; we don’t cover for them at the job; we don’t bail them out of jail. We stop babying the addict, we stop enabling him.

• Avoid blaming yourself for your loved one’s addiction. Guilt will overwhelm us if we are not careful – while clouding our thinking, and making us ineffective. Believing that somehow we are to blame for another’s addiction leads us to become enablers, to do things for the addict that only serve to prolong their addiction.

• Accept your limitations. The alternative is exhaustion, frustration, anger, and despair. You are not God. Despite how much you may love your addicted family member and want to help them, you do not have the power to stop their addiction. Knowing what you can do and what you can’t is key to your recovery. Practising this principle of humility will help you come to terms with your family’s predicament.

• It is time to let the addict take responsibility, time to let him make whatever choices he wants – and then to live with the results of those choices. Of course, we protect ourselves and the family from any bad choices the addict may make. We insist the addict respect our rights to a harmonious household. Meanwhile, we respect the addict as an adult free to choose his path in life, even if it is clear that the chosen path will lead him to misery.

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When you allow the addict to live his life as he wants, you are freer to take responsibility and choose to improve the quality of your own life.

• Arguing or trying to reason with someone under the influence of drugs is pointless. Doing so will only frustrate you. If there is something you need to say to the addict in the family, wait for a time when they have not been using.

• Do not get angry or confrontational with them. This simply increases the addict’s feelings of guilt and the sense they are under siege – which adds to their excuses to use drugs again. In any case, remember that arguing with an addict almost always leave you feeling miserable. The yelling, the threats, the insults all add to the insane dynamic in families marked by addiction. Remember too that the addict has his drugs to escape to, whereas you don’t.

• Schedule time for activities that bring you pleasure and that provide a break from the toxic environment created by the addict. Living with an addict is exhausting and frustrating, so you need to take care of yourself. Making time for yourself will better equip you to deal with stress.

• Join a 12 Step Fellowship family group. This is the most important thing you can do for yourself, and it is as simple as showing up at one of the Fellowship’s meetings. You will be welcomed, and you will see for yourself that you are not alone in dealing with addiction in the family. Attending meetings of a family fellowship, which are free and open to all, will show you more clearly than anything that many share your difficulties. You will also discover effective strategies for dealing with the heartache of living with an addict. The legions of people in these fellowships have discovered that they can enjoy life regardless of what the addict is doing.

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Effective ways to help the addict Accepting that your loved one is suffering from a primary disease, here are some of the things you can do to improve the situation:

• Learn about the disease of addiction. This will raise your awareness of the nature of the disease your loved one is suffering and help you come to terms with it.

• The disease of addiction affects the body, the mind, and the spirit. In dealing with the addict, ask yourself how would you treat him if he were suffering from another kind of illness like heart disease or cancer.

• There is a saying in family Fellowships: “Don’t get angry at the addict, but at the disease.” Even though their behaviour may be causing you worry, try not to get angry or take it personally. When the disease has progressed, the addict is no longer choosing to use drugs, they are compelled. Addicts don't know themselves why they continue using drugs despite the devastating consequences.

• Do not enable them. You may think you are showing your love for them when you make up excuses for their behaviour or cover up their mistakes. But ultimately what you are doing is making it easy for them to stay in denial and continue with their addiction.

• You can help an addict by letting him take responsibility for his life. You need to exercise tough love, which means having the courage to allow them to deal with the fallout of their addiction. If they have been arrested, resist the impulse to bail them out or hire a lawyer. They got themselves into trouble and they can get themselves out. Addicts are much more likely to face up to their problem when they have suffered the consequences of it.

• Set boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not around the house. Setting boundaries is not about punishing or shaming them. Rules and expectations for behaviour are for the greater health and good of the family – and, ultimately, for the addict too. Be firm and be consistent. A simple and reasonable rule is that the addict is never allowed to use drugs in the home. You may decide that you will stop providing money to the addict. Maybe you will go as far as to bar the addict from the home when he is under the influence. Whatever rules you make, it is important that you be ready to enforce them consistently. To do otherwise is to invite confusion and conflict for the household, which is

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what you are aiming to avoid. • If you want to provide financial support, buy the goods and

services the addict needs instead of giving them money that they will most probably use to buy drugs.

• For the good of everyone, create an environment in the home that is safe and stable. The addict will benefit from a household free of undue stress and turmoil. Naturally, if there are prescribed drugs in the home that might tempt the addict, they should be kept hidden away.

• Let them know that you will support them emotionally and financially to the best of your ability, so long as they are taking steps to address their addiction. For example, you might offer to pay for them to go into detox. Perhaps you will support them if they are going through a rough time as they struggle to get clean. But be clear that you are not going to continue enabling them or indulging them in their self-pity.

• Support them in activities that will encourage them to become clean. This might mean that you will attend a fellowship meeting with them to ease their anxiety. You will want to be welcoming to his new friends who are in recovery. Keep in mind that getting free of drugs is the absolute best thing they can do for themselves, so anything you can do to facilitate the effort is helpful. Don’t overdo it, though. You want to resist jumping in and trying to orchestrate their recovery. That would never work.

• If they have entered recovery, allow them the time and respect to process their new way of life. Recovering from drugs has its ups and downs. Do not suddenly expect or pressure them to change overnight and become the perfect family member. Have patience and respect for their recovery process. Remember they did not become addicts overnight, and they will not recover overnight.

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3-3- Principles of healthy supportFamily members tend to base their help on the belief that addiction is a behavioural issue and that they have the power to stop their loved ones addiction. Helping grounded in such belief can be harmful to the wellbeing of the addict and themselves. If family members want to help their loved one get clean, they need to understand addiction is a disease that requires its own approach towards recovery.

1. Acknowledge your loved one’s disease 2. Acknowledge the effects of addiction on your lives

1. Acknowledge your loved one’s disease• Unless you acknowledge the nature of the disease that afflicts the

addict in your family, you will not be able to help them effectively to get clean. The medical establishment classifies addiction as a disease, placing it in the same category as diabetes or any other chronic ailments. The disease of addiction renders a person’s mind and body abnormal and once it has fully developed, the addict looses the power to choose or control their drug use. The disease concept of addiction is admittedly difficult to accept at first. Family members usually find it hard to overcome the idea that addiction is no more than a bad habit that can be overcome by a self will. But the disease concept will help you better understand why your loved one behaves as he does and why he continues to hurt himself and you despite all your good efforts to help him. Once you understand the disease model of addiction, the manner in which you help them will significantly change towards healthier and more effective ways. In addiction you will not be as severely affected by their behaviour and conduct, as you will be able to view them as people suffering from an illness that has damaged their mind and body. You will be able to have compassion for them without taking responsibility of how they conduct their lives; under the illusion you have the power to “cure” them.

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• Understanding addiction is a disease and explaining it to your loved one can be a pivotal factor in helping him want to get clean. Once he understands he is suffering from a disease, he will no longer feel weak or ashamed. He will realize his condition as an illness and would want to get better as opposed to thinking he is destined to live such a miserable life. Once the addict accepts he has a disease over which he is powerless, he is bound to become ready and willing to seek help outside himself. He will find hope for his condition and would want to get better. But if the addict believes himself to be a bad or morally corrupt person, so long as the family belittles and shames him for his weakness and seeming unwillingness to pull himself together, he will have more excuses to continue with his addiction. But understanding that addiction is a primary and chronic disease can radically alter his perspective. Most probably upon this realization, this is when he will become ready and willing to finally ask himself: “what can I do to get better?”

• There is a solution to recovery from addiction, and many thousands of addicts having found it, now live in freedom from addiction. That solution is contained in 12 Step programs where addicts of every variety work their Steps towards recovery and a healthier way of life. Having recognized they suffer from a disease and having admitted powerlessness over it, these addicts were finally ready to face the truth about their condition to then seek help outside themselves. 12 Step Fellowships meetings are filled with such people, addicts in recovery living a new way of life filled with hope and purpose. If as family members you have difficulty understanding the disease of addiction, if you are struggling to understand your addicted loved one’s destructive behaviours, then why not attend an Open Fellowship meeting to hear their side of the story. Maybe in hearing recovering addicts talk about what led them to addiction, what made them want to stop, and what they do to remain free from addiction, will help you realize how best to help them.

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2. Acknowledge the effects of addiction on your lives• In Family support Fellowships, they say: “You didn’t cause your

loved one’s addiction, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it”. Remember that the wisdom in these Fellowships is built on the experience of countless family members who have lived with an addict. The members of these Fellowships have tried everything to get their loved one to stop using drugs. What they have learned over many years of painful first-hand experience is that they do not have the power nor can force someone to get clean. It is like forcing someone not to suffer from cancer. What is also beyond dispute is that family members in their attempts to help the addict get affected by the disease and destroy the quality of their own lives. By taking responsibility over the addict’s life, by insisting to change how they conduct their lives, they loose objectivity of their life purpose and wellbeing. Family members get equally entangled in the insanity of the disease of addiction, they can become obsessed with rescuing the addict, resulting in anger, confusion, rage and depression -- among many other emotional upsets which severely effects their mental state. But when family members finally accept they have no power to stop their loved one using drugs, they realize what they do have power over, is how they view addiction and the choices they make in their behaviour and treatment towards their addicted loved one. The humility to accept this truth, finally leads family members to stop pressuring, pleading, or threatening the addict to change, giving him the dignity and respect to lead his life as he wants. Equally the focus of their own lives changes towards their own life purpose and wellbeing. The irony is once family members take the focus away from the addict and take measures to recover from the effects of addiction on their lives, the addict will have a greater chance to take responsibility for his condition and want to take actions to get clean.

• A healthy first step in dealing with an addict is to separate him from the disease he is suffering from. In other words, you don’t take the disease or the behaviour of the addict personally. You accept that his damaging and destructive ways are not intended to harm you personally. The realization that your loved one is out of control, and the lies he tells or the promises he breaks, or the 100 other things he does that cause distress are not directed to hurt you. Once you accept that the addict suffers from a disease,

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you will be able to see that his self-destructive behaviour as part of the symptoms of the disease of addiction. Your loved one is not a bad person, intentionally trying to harm you. He has a sickness that has radically changed his personality for the worse. He may very well want to stop, but he cannot – not yet, not until he has reached a place where he becomes ready and willing to get clean. Meanwhile, though, the best thing you can do is to work your recovery program to heal from the effects of addiction on your lives. Realizing how you have become affected by this disease, how your own behaviour has become equally insane, will help alleviate your sense of inadequacy and shame. You will feel less guilty for their condition, knowing that no matter how you raised them or what mistakes you might have made, you did not cause them to become addicts. You will then be able to stop trying to change them or rescue them from the troubles they get themselves into, allowing them to experience the consequences of their addiction. Free from feeling emotionally responsible for their condition, you will then be able to support them in a manner that is healthy and effective and in accord with recovery from the disease of addiction.

• By a subtle, destructive dynamic, those closest to the addict come under the spell of the disease of addiction. Family members spend years in chaos and misery believing they can force their loved one to stop his drug use. In the process, they become as insane and self-destructive as their addicted loved ones. When the family cannot accept their loved one’s condition -- and play god in thinking they can make their loved one change -- their own lives become chaotic and unmanageable. Family members need to accept their own powerlessness over the disease of addiction before they can make their way back to healthy and independent lives. In the same manner that the addict needs to surrender to his disease, before being able to take actions to get well, family members need to accept that they are powerless over addiction. They need to recognize that this disease has adversely affected their lives, and that they need to seek help and support to recover and live healthy lives.

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• The information contained in this “Family Disease” section is aimed at helping you understand the ways this disease can infiltrate and impact your lives. With addiction in the family, everybody is affected and each suffers in different ways. As explained here, family members simply do not have the power to stop their loved one’s addiction. The majority of times their attempts in trying to help the addict get clean, ends up enabling them in addition to severely affecting the quality of their own lives. The truth is that the best way to help your addict loved one is to seek help and support for yourself. The most effective places to find such support are 12 Step Family support Fellowships. Fellowships such as Nar-anon or Al-anon are for friends and family members whose lives have become unmanageable as a result of a loved one’s addiction. In the meetings of these Fellowships, you will find other family members in similar circumstances to yourself. People in these meetings share their dilemmas and problems, which will help ease your sense of isolation, confusion and shame. Most importantly, you will hear what they are doing to recover from the effects of living with the disease of addiction. In these meetings you will be able to come out of denial, wake up to the reality of your family predicament and gain a perspective on what you are responsible for and what your limitations are. Here you will be offered a program of recovery in the way of the 12 Steps, which contain principles and tools on how to heal and live a peaceful life, regardless of your family member’s desire to get clean. You will learn healthy ways you can encourage and motivate your loved one to get clean -- or ways to accept that they may not be ready to give up their drugs. You will learn to let go and let God.

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3-4- Enabling TestThis test is designed to help family members see whether their behavior towards their addicted loved one is helping him face his disease, or making it easier for him to continue using drugs. If you answer yes to a few of these questions, you may be helping with the progression of his disease by preventing him to experience its consequences.

1. Have you ever made excuses for your addicted loved one to cover for him? For instance, have you ever telephoned his workplace to say he was sick when his drug use incapacitated him?

2. Have you gotten in the habit of minimizing the severity of his bad behavior or rationalizing it? For instance, do you tolerate angry outbursts or insults or abuse by the addict by telling yourself that it is not that bad or he is under stress?

3. Do you try to keep his addiction a secret? For example, have you lied to others regarding the extent of his addiction?

4. Do you assume responsibility for things he is responsible and capable of? For instance, working a second job because he refuses to work.

5. When his drug use has gotten him into legal trouble, have you tried to rescue him? Have you bailed him out of jail or hired a lawyer to defend him?

6. Are you letting misplaced guilt cloud your judgment? Do you fall into the common trap of blaming yourself for his addiction, and so you tolerate his destructive behavior?

Enabling Test Yes No

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7. Do you allow the addict to intimidate you and others in the household? Are you tolerating a situation where the addict gives free rein to his anger and hostility, thereby robbing family members of the dignity and security they deserve?

8. Do you support him financially when he should be working and paying his own way - but cannot or will not because of his addiction?

9. Do you shower him with affection in the vain hope that your love will convince him to stop using drugs?

10. Do you resolve to draw a line with the addict’s behavior but then fail to hold firm? For instance have you threatened to leave or throw him out of the house but then give up because of his promises and manipulations?

11. Do you go on believing his promises to straighten out and stop his drug use – and so you give him chance after chance, and you get nothing but disappointment?

12. Are you in denial by refusing to face the reality that you have an addicted family member?

Enabling Test Yes No

Note: the word addiction on this page refers to drug addiction, but it can apply equally to other addictive substances or behaviors. As regards to family members’ enabling an addict, the principles for taking this test is the same.

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3-5- What is enablingMany times family members’ attempts to help their addicted loved one actually helps them continue using drugs. This baffling phenomenon is called enabling, which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect – not allowing the addict to experience the consequences of his addiction which in turn leads to its progression and can even cause his death.

• When helping doesn't help • Difference between enabling and helping• Effects of enabling on the family • Tips to avoiding enabling

When helping doesn't help • Enabling is any activity or behaviour by a family member that

makes it easier for an addicted loved one to continue using drugs. Family members engaged in this behaviour are, of course, unaware that they are doing the addict harm. They believe they are doing no more than taking care of a loved one in trouble. It seems the most natural thing in the world to do whatever they can to relieve the addict of the distress his drug use causes him. But in the long run, the well-intentioned efforts of a loving family may have dire consequences for the drug user. It cannot be overlooked that people who use drugs put themselves in mortal danger, either from their actions when under the influence or from the harmful – and even fatal -- effects of the drugs themselves. Family members usually fail to realize that their manner of helping is actually making it easier is for their addicted loved one to continue using drugs. Simply put, to have any real chance of seeking recovery, the addict must feel the full consequences of his choice to abuse drugs. But if the family is there to prop him up, to rescue him, to cover up, to bail him out, then the addict gets the message that he is free to continue down the path of addiction – that he need not fear the consequences.

• The addict, of course, has no sense of what is best for him and so is happy to welcome whatever help the family offers. Addicts are always looking for others to clean up the messes they make.

He may thank you for bailing him out of jail. He may say he loves you all the more for lying to his boss for missing work. Just remember, though, when you help the addict out of the latest fix you make it easier for him to continue using drugs. An addict is more likely to break out of denial when he experiences the reality of what his disease is doing to him. Maybe it is when sitting in a prison cell, or when sleeping in the streets after having been barred from the home that he will finally be unable to ignore the devastation of his addiction. It is only then that he will have a chance to wake up to reality and become willing to take the steps needed to get clean. But being propped up by misguided efforts to help enables the addict to continue living in denial, in the fantasy that he is no problem. Ultimately this may mean that you have made it possible for his disease to progress to a more serious stage -- even a lethal one.

Difference between enabling and helping• Drawing the line between enabling the addict and offering him

reasonable help can be difficult. In trying to determine if an action on your part falls into one category or the other, one question to ask yourself is this: are you doing something for the addict that he is capable of doing for himself? If you are doing for the addict what he should be doing for himself, that very likely means your behaviour is enabling. When we enable the addict, when we do for him what he can – and should – do for himself, we send two messages: that that addict is not capable of helping himself and that someone else is going to do it for him. Both messages, obviously, are untrue and both are destructive to the chances that the addict will get his life together. For instance, the addict has run out of money and so you pay for his cell phone bill. That’s enabling. He should be paying that bill himself. Yes, it is going to cause him inconvenience, and his not having a phone may cause you anxiety too, but you are doing the addict no favour when you help him in these ways. You need to ask yourself whether your effort – whatever it may be -- is going to help him confront his addiction or whether it is helping him avoid it. As heart wrenching as it may be to allow him to experience the dark places he lands himself in, this is what he needs if he is ever to confront his disease. Though it may seem like the hardest thing in the world, the best thing you can do may be to

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do nothing – meanwhile, allowing the addict to reach a place where he will want to do something for himself.

• Some common examples of family members engaging in enabling behaviour, meanwhile believing they are doing no more than helping out:

1. Rescuing him from trouble he has brought on himself by using drugs, such as bailing him out of jail or hiring a lawyer to defend him.

2. Paying his debts or bills when he is unable or unwilling to go to work or hold a job, or is spending what money he has on drugs.

3. Lending the addict money with no hope of getting it back.4. Making excuses for his irresponsible behaviours. For example

calling in sick to his work or school when the addict is high or sick from a night of drug use.

5. Justifying and rationalizing his abusive behaviour to yourself or others. For example telling yourself or others that his violent temper – or his striking out and hitting others – is forgivable because he is under a lot of stress.

6. Denying his addiction to yourself and others. Pretending that his drug use is not as bad as it is or that it is no more than a phase.

7. Lying to others about his drug use.8. Taking over responsibilities that the addict should be doing,

such as taking the children to school or doing laundry or shopping or cooking or cleaning.

9. Finishing a school or work project for the addict.10. Giving the addict “one more chance” again, and again, and

again.11. Lowering your standards for acceptable behaviour in the

home, such as failing to draw a line at drug use in the house.12. Avoid discussing the addict’s drug use because you are

afraid of the response.

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1. Become victims of addiction• When the addict takes centre stage, normal family life is

impossible. In households lacking awareness of the destructive effect of enabling behaviour, a disproportionate amount of energy and attention goes on the addict. The drug user’s latest mishap, run-in with the law, embarrassing public scene, etc. is the focus of the family. All this can have dire effects on the health and wellbeing of family members. In 12 Step Family Fellowships, one of the most repeated suggestions is to “keep the focus on yourself”. The reason this is stressed in these Fellowships is that keeping the focus on themselves is the last thing that most family members living with an addict will do. The focus is exclusively on the addict, the centre of chaos. If they never wake up to their predicament, family members may forget their own lives and spend their years rescuing their addicted loved one. Their thoughts and actions are focused constantly on the addict – on cleaning up after the latest mess or worrying about the next crisis that inevitably will hit home. Addiction is called a family disease for a very good reason; everyone in the family is affected. Enabling is one of the cunning ways this disease takes hold in the lives of the family. Those closest to the addict adapt to unhealthy ways of living, allowing their lives to become unhinged. In the same way this disease robs the addict of respect

Effects of enabling on the family

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and dignity, family members become victims of this disease and suffer the same fate. Having lost a sense of their right to a decent life, they tolerate all sorts of abusive behaviour. They focus on the addict and lose sight of what they want in life. They become slaves to the insane demands of this disease.

2. Live in crisis mode• No one says dealing with an addict is ever easy. Yes, we want

to avoid enabling the addict. The alternative is misery for family and a free pass to the addict to continue using drugs. But forgive yourself if you are not doing things perfectly. Sometimes we can’t help but lurch from one crisis to another. Most of the time family members end up helping their addicted loved one out of pure survival instinct. We automatically do what is needed to keep the family safe and to be able to move on with life. When the bailiff is at the door, you don't think you have any choice but to spend your life savings to save your home from bankruptcy. When your son is in jail, your instinct is to get him out as soon as possible. Letting go of enabling behaviour is a process; it’s a practice. No one does it one hundred percent right. The point is we finally recognize that there is another way, a healthier way of dealing with the addict in our lives.

3. Live in fear & shame• Addiction is a disease that comes with a lot of shame. Just as

the addict denies he has a drug problem, those closest to him may want to deny that addiction has intruded in their family. It is incredibly difficult to admit you have a loved one who is addicted, due to the stigma attached to this disease, especially in Middle Eastern countries. Families fear the shame that knowledge of this affliction among neighbours will bring. So these families see it in their own self-interest to “help” the addict, so that his drug use can remain hidden. Of course, as in almost all families, guilt plays a part. Some fear that having an addict in the family says something bad about that family. Parents especially may feel that they are at fault for having a child who has become an addict.

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4. Live in denial • When it comes to dealing with an addict in the family, it is hard to

have the purest of motives. For instance, we enable the addict because at some level we want to pretend that the problem is less severe than it really is. If we let the addict fall on his face, we would be confronted with the painful reality of the situation. To avoid that we jump in and help out. This way the situation does not look so bad, and we can feel a little better about things – at least temporarily. Addiction is called a disease of denial, because the addict is compelled to downplay the seriousness of his problem. To do otherwise would mean that he might have to do something about his drug use, which is something he wants to avoid. But denial extends to family members.

5. Live unauthentic lives• Addiction creates profound problems in all those it touches. But

just as the addict wants to avoid confronting his problems, so too do members of the family resist looking at themselves. In fact, enabling behaviour has been shown to be highly effective in camouflaging personal problems in those closest to the addict. It is very easy to point the finger at the addict, to make him the cause of all that is wrong in the lives of every family member. With an addict as the obvious problem, everyone else gets a pass. That is, no one else has to look at themselves or accept the disease’s devastating effects on their lives. It is much easier to deny the reality, to say there is no reason you may also need to work a program of recovery. If family members are genuinely interested in helping the addict, they need to understand their way of thinking and behaviour has become distorted due to the effects of the disease of addiction. They need to take responsibility for their own part in the equation and honestly confront their motives in helping their addicted loved one in the ways they have.

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Tips to avoiding enabling Below are some suggestions on ways to stop enabling your addicted loved one:

1. Don’t do anything for him that he can do for himself.

2. Don't assume responsibility for his duties.

3. Don’t give him money that enables him to buy drugs.

4. Do not pay his bills, fines, rent, or food expenses.

5. Don’t repay his loans or money he has borrowed to buy drugs from friends or dealers.

6. Don’t lie, cover up or minimize his addiction or the consequences of it.

7. Don't make up excuses for him or justify his abusive behaviour.

8. Don't allow him to use drugs in the home or to come home under the influence.

9. Don’t give him anything that he may sell to get drugs.

10. Don't make threats, but set boundaries to what behaviours you find acceptable -- and don’t back down on them.

11. Question your motives in wanting to rescue or save him. Ask yourself whether your help will likely push him in the direction of recovery or to continued use of drugs.

12. Finally, don't punish yourself or feel guilty if you have ended up helping him avoid the consequences of his addiction. Enabling usually comes from a place of love and good intentions and it takes time to learn the difference between helping and enabling.

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3-6- Why family enablesThis page describes the common reasons why family members under the banner of “helping”, actually enable their addicted loved one. With this understanding you can question your motives as to why you act and behave in ways that not only are detrimental to your addicted loved one but also to your wellbeing and health.

1. Hope2. Fear3. Love4. Guilt5. Control6. Co-dependency7. Distraction

1- HopeThe hope of every addict’s family is that he will get clean and back to good health. Being unaware of the true nature of drug addiction, though, they mistakenly believe that the best thing they can do for their loved one is to help him in every way they can. They imagine that he will just one day finally see the light and decide to give up drugs. Sadly, their actions are leading the addict in the exact opposite direction to recovery. They fail to realize that they are up against a chronic disease, and not something as simple as bad behaviour or bad habits. Though they don’t know it, they are powerless over the

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disease of addiction and their “helping” stands no chance of changing the addict’s behaviour. They can’t conceive that even the addict is powerless over his disease. But having nothing else, families cling to hope, the hope that by doing everything they can for the addict, he will one day come around. Based as they are on profound misperceptions, these hopes will lead only to disappointment and unhappiness.

2- FearFamily members are often in a state of anxiety, never knowing what the day will bring. Every time the phone rings late at night, they have to wonder if it’s the police, or a hospital, or worse. They are regularly faced with the addict’s threats of suicide, or “leaving forever” and living on the streets, or that he will cut off contact. Daily they live in fear of what will happen to them, to their home and their own lives. They suffer from worries over money, whether the bank savings will vanish, or their belongings stolen. The addict’s behaviour is wildly unpredictable, and he may become violent or abusive. Fear motivates families to help their addicted loved one in unhealthy ways. It is an emotion that provokes them to take unsound actions even when they know they will be futile.

3- LoveNo matter how badly the addict acts, he is still loved by those around him. The family remembers the sweet child, for instance, who now struggles as an adult with addiction. The natural instinct is to help that person, to do anything they can to relieve his distress, to lighten his load. Family members, left to their own devices, know nothing about the destructive effects of enabling behaviour. They see only their brother or son in trouble and in need of help. And so they come to his assistance. They don’t realize that they are not helping the addict in the long run, that in fact they are actually making it easier and more likely that the addict is going to continue using drugs. There is another kind of love, which they talk about in 12 Step Family Fellowships, called “tough love”. This is the kind of love that comes with boundaries and which comes with expectations of the addict and standards for his behaviour and limits to the support he can expect. It’s the kind of love that serves the addict – and his family – best.

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4- GuiltFamily members are ridden with guilt. Most parents believe that through some failure on their part they are the cause of their children’s addiction. To assuage this guilt, they go overboard in helping the addict, forgiving his misbehaviour, overlooking his faults, making excuses for his failures. Of course, no one is to blame for the addiction, not even the addict himself. Another truth is that no one can get another person sober, but enabling has been shown to work against the chances that the addict will confront his disease.

5- ControlThe chaos of addiction creates a need in family members to bring things under control. The desire to act, to do something about the situation is strong. To take charge gives a family member the feeling they are directing things. On the other hand, to stand by and watch the addict ruin his life seems out of the question. We feel we must act. Taking an action gives us a temporary release from the anxiety of living with addiction. Sadly, though, in the long run a high price is paid for acting out of a need (always futile) to control the situation.

6- Co-dependencyNo one likes to see their family get torn apart because of addiction and family members will do anything for its survival. From the mother who lies in order to hide the shame of having an addicted son to the father who beats his daughter in believing a punishment will make her stop her drug use. All these are mechanisms used in vain to control someone else’s life. They are based on the belief that your happiness depends on the wellbeing of your addicted loved one, which is a form of co-dependency. Co-dependency is a personality trait characterized by passivity, feelings of low self-worth, and a need to constantly “help” others. Co-dependent family members usually put aside their own needs in order to rescue or fix their addicted loved one. Although they may report how much they dislike this role, they are actually gaining a sense of importance, relieving loneliness, and/or avoiding working on their own issues and needs. On the other hand, they may enjoy their role, but in fact are chronically unhappy, anxious, or addicted themselves.

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7- DistractionFocusing on the problems of the addict is an effective way of keeping the focus off our own personal problems. Most people are reluctant to confront themselves, and having an addict in the house provides a perfect excuse to avoid that. When our focus is always outwardly directed, then we don’t ever have to take stock of ourselves. Of course, we pay a big price for living an unexamined life. In fact, those who spend their time enabling another are escaping from their feelings in precisely the same way that the addict escapes from his.

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3-7- Setting boundariesSetting boundaries around your addicted loved one’s behaviours is one of the most important things that you can do for the health and safety of your family. Setting boundaries lets your addicted loved one know what is expected of him and which behaviour is unacceptable. Setting boundaries is not about controlling but reducing the impact of addiction on your lives. When the addict realizes there are limits to his conduct and behaviour, he is more likely to come out of denial and become willing to get clean.

• What are boundaries• Examples of boundaries• Advantages of boundaries

What are boundaries • Setting boundaries for your addicted loved one is about letting

them know the family’s rules and limits, and what you will not allow in the home. You may resist making such demands because they seem harsh and unloving. Or you may not even be aware that you have a right to set rules and limits in your home around your addicted loved. But having boundaries is a very healthy practice for the health and safety of the family as a whole. For an addict who has fallen into the habit of acting in dangerous and irresponsible ways, being forced to respect certain rules and guidelines around the home can help him take responsibility for his condition. When he realizes his manipulations no longer work and his misbehaviour is no longer tolerated, he is more likely to get a clearer picture of himself and what the drugs are doing to him and those around him. Finally confronted by his disease, he may be a step closer to taking action to get clean.

• Members of 12 Step Family Fellowships refer to setting limits and boundaries on the addict’s behaviour as “tough love” – and it is love, though not the type most families of addicts are accustomed to doling. Though it may at first be difficult to believe, the demands you make on the addict are among the most caring and loving things you can do for that person. This is all very likely foreign to family members who have been in the habit of

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protecting and rescuing the addict – maybe for many years. But it has been demonstrated again and again in families just like yours that enabling behaviour is never in the interest of the addict. So though you may think it unloving to set a boundary -- and stick to it – the truth is that you are actually supporting the addict the best way you can. It is these kinds of tough love measures that can help him come out of denial about the truth of his condition.

• In setting boundaries, you are demanding that your loved one to act in a certain way, or suffer the consequences. You have to be serious about enforcing these consequences. You must be prepared to follow through. Setting up boundaries in a fit of anger, only to forget them later serves no purpose. Say, for instance, that your son is the drug addict and he stays out all night without calling home – and thereby worries you sick. You might threaten to throw her out of the house if she repeats the behaviour. But before you make such a threat, consider whether you are willing to enforce it. Chances are that you are not prepared to bar your daughter from the home simply because she again stays out all night. You must decide for yourself what your boundaries are and the consequences for violating them. But if you tell the addict that you will not bail him out of jail the next time he gets arrested, be prepared to follow through. Set boundaries that are practical and that you are able to enforce.

• Years of living with the trauma of addiction may cause family members to lose any sense of their own self-worth. In households ruled by addiction, the normal constraints and rules of good behaviour have long ago been forgotten. The result is that family members forget that they have any right to peace of mind or are entitled to respectful behaviour from everyone in the family – including the addict. In this environment, setting boundaries – actually demanding that the addict conform to decent rules of behaviour – will likely seem outlandish. But this reaction is a symptom of the extent to which living with an addict has distorted the thinking of everyone in the household. An addict in the grip of addiction acts insanely, while also spreading that insanity to those around him. Family members very regularly fall victim to the addict’s lies and manipulations. Promises are made and broken – again and again, for years. But you still believe them, in part because you think you have no choice. While trying to be

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helpful and understanding, you have allowed your boundaries to be repeatedly violated. The result is you have lost your own integrity and sense of self. Your life now amounts to caring for your addicted loved one, accepting whatever hardship they may throw your way. For all these reasons, to imagine setting boundaries may seem very strange. But such a step is necessary. For the good of everyone, it is time to tell the addict that you are entitled to a better life and that you are prepared to take actions to care for and protect yourself and the family.

• While insisting that the addict act more responsibly will benefit him, you need to be focused first of all on your own well-being and mental health. This is important to remember, because setting boundaries will not cure addiction, nor will boundaries allow you to control an addict. The point is that having boundaries around an addict will protect you from their misbehaviour and improve the quality of your life. An example of a boundary may be asking the addict not to use drugs in front of you or in the home. By establishing the type of behaviour you will not accept, you are putting the addict on notice that your life and well-being also count. Instead of being wrapped up in the addict’s madness and problems, you begin to reclaim control of your life, while regaining your sanity.

• Expect that the addict will resist any attempts to place restrictions on his behaviour. The disease of addiction thrives in mayhem, for this is where it finds excuses to use more and more. But understand that you owe it to yourself to set limits on what you will accept regarding the addict’s behaviour. Remember that your aim is to bring dignity back to your life, while also helping the addict face himself. You need to put thought into the boundaries you plan to set. Make sure that the addict knows what those boundaries are and why you are setting them. Explain that you are doing this for your own good — as well as theirs – and why it is important to you. In setting boundaries for the first time, don’t expect that everything will go smoothly. The disease of addiction dislikes order, and the addict is likely to test the new boundaries. When your loved one does this, it may help to remember that you are powerless over the disease of addiction The truth is you cannot force someone to change their behaviour. What you can change is your attitude towards an unwelcome behaviour. You no longer have to engage in the craziness that the addict

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creates, you no longer have to react, to get drawn in. Remember that you have your own life to live, so resist getting trapped in the chaotic world of the addict. Setting and maintaining boundaries is a practice. The steadier you maintain a boundary, the better you will feel and the greater the chance the addict will reach the point where he becomes ready to change.

• Though setting boundaries may seem harsh, why not view them as healthy measures to be taken by a sick person to get better. A person who is ill needs to follow a certain regimen, things they can and cannot do that will stem the disease and promote healing. You would encourage a loved one suffering from a heart condition to stop smoking and take their medication. You may need to set a boundary in order to encourage them in healthy activities – things that will help them get better. The same principle applies with your loved one suffering from the disease of addiction. A boundary will help them face responsibility for their disease, thus encouraging them to take action to get clean.

Examples of boundaries• After living with an out-of-control addict, families lose sight of

what a home is supposed to be. In 12 Step family programs, they say that in households ruled by addiction, the craziest person in the family sets the tone. That person is usually the addict. Family members forget that they have a right to expect decent, respectful behaviour from others, including the addict. Living with the corrosive effect of drug addiction, their self-respect and integrity has eroded. As a result of misplaced love or in an attempt to protect the good name of the family, they have compromised their own lives.

• With the focus on the addict, family members never put themselves first. Constant worrying about the addict and the trouble his drug use brings on him and the family robs everyone of peace of mind. Never knowing what new crisis is just around the corner creates anxiety that makes a safe and secure family atmosphere impossible. Under these circumstances, family members too fall victim to the disease of addiction, living as slaves to its insanity. Just as the addict’s life has been taken over by addiction, so too has that of family members. It is for this reason that boundaries are necessary. Family members are powerless to control the addict’s drug use, but they can begin

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to work on themselves and their recovery. Setting boundaries will protect those around the addict from the corrosive effects of addiction. It is possible to live in peace regardless of whether the drug user continues with his addiction. In addition to enjoying you own lives, insisting that the addict live up to certain standards of behaviour is also beneficial to him. When the addict is forced to face up to the consequences of his destructive behavior and to act responsibly in ways he is unused to, he is taking a step closer to confronting his disease.

• Below are some examples of boundaries. Remember that they may or may not be appropriate for your situation as each family must decide for itself which boundaries to set down, which ones it can follow through on:

1) No drug use allowed in the home or around family members

2) No drug paraphernalia allowed in the home

3) No drug-using friends allowed in the home

4) If the addict is arrested, the family will not bail him out and no lawyer will be paid for to defend him.

5) There will be no more sympathetic ear lent to the addict to complain and moan about the misery of his life – until he is ready to do something about it.

6) No more insults or ridicule will be allowed from the addict.

7) No more money will be given to the addict.

8) No more lying to cover up for the addict, whatever the circumstances.

9) No more depending on the addict to show up. If you make plans to for an outing, go ahead with them even if the addict fails to appear.

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Advantages of boundariesThe purpose of setting boundaries is to protect and improve the quality of life for everyone in the family. Boundaries are not about threatening or controlling or manipulating the addict. They are not rigid rules or walls to cut you off from your loved one. Boundaries are about clear communication. They let the addict know – maybe for the first time in clear, simple terms -- what is acceptable behavior around the home.

The advantage of having boundaries that protect you and your addicted loved one can be:

1. Establishes limitsLet the addict know what is unacceptable and unreasonable behavior around the home. This reduces the damaging effects of addiction on the family, which can then help them function more comfortably and safely.

2. Re-establishes integrityReestablish the self-respect and integrity of the family and helps them reclaim control of their lives.

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3. Prompts responsibilityPrompts the addict to take responsibility for his disease. When finally setting limits, you are letting him know he is an adult responsible for himself. You make clear that his drug use is something he must confront when he is ready, but in the meantime he must conform to the standards of behaviour you lay down.

4. Enables detachmentEnable you to detach from the disease. With boundaries, you are less likely to become enmeshed in the insanity of the disease. You keep the focus on yourself, and you avoid joining the addict on his emotional roller coaster rides. Freed from these extremes of emotions, you think more clearly and rationally – and are more effective when dealing with the problems the addict creates.

5. Reclaims proper rolesHelps each family member reclaim their life and proper place in the family. Addiction distorts family roles, turning family members into caretakers, or surrogate husbands, or scapegoats. 6. Reduces focus on addictHelps family members retain their own values, plans and goals and not fall victim to the disease of addiction. They no longer are sacrificing their lives in focusing on the needs of the addict.

7. Sets healthy examplesGives the addict a view of how healthy people live, which may help him realize what he is missing and give him something to aspire to.

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3-8- Three phases of a boundarySetting boundaries is a process that takes time and patience. For a boundary to work effectively, it must be clearly defined and established, whilst taking into account you are asking it from someone who is suffering from the disease of addiction. What follows are suggestions on the three-step process on drawing up effective boundaries that will help restore the safety and wellbeing and safety of your family.

1. Define the boundary2. Establish the boundary3. Maintain the boundary

Bear in mind: Boundaries are personal to each family. It is up to each family to decide how specifically the addiction of their loved one is affecting their lives and which behavior is harming their health and safety. Below are general guidelines that have helped some of us set and maintain an effective boundary. They are not rules but means to set a loose frame and guide you in your own attempts.

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1- Define the boundaryBoundaries are pointless if they are not practical and well implemented. So even though the addict likely acts in many ways that distress you and the rest of the family, you cannot expect to change every aspect of his behaviour. You can lay down boundaries left and right, but remember that you are dealing with someone who’s proven himself poor on impulse control. Don't try to turn the addict into a model citizen overnight. That’s unrealistic. The other key thing to keep in mind is to lay down only those guidelines you are willing to enforce. If you say that you are not going to telephone the job for the addict when his drug use makes him unable to get to work, then be prepared to follow through. To sum up, a boundary has to be something the addict can reasonably be expected to respect, and something the family will enforce. Then decide exactly which behaviors you find objectionable and unacceptable, the behaviors that jeopardize the safety of your family home. Keeping in mind that you can’t change the addict overnight, and also that the boundary needs to be something that you are willing to enforce, you want any boundary to be clearly defined and formulated. Under these circumstances there is a greater chance for it work in practice.

To help you define and formulate an effective boundary, below are some questions and notes for you to consider:

1. Ask yourself which behaviors by the addict cause distress or threaten the safety of you and your family – and whether a boundary might be a remedy.

2. What do you want to achieve by setting this boundary?

3. Have you thought coolly and rationally about your motives for setting this boundary? Remember that anger at the addict – or wanting to get even with him – is a poor basis on which to formulate boundaries.

4. Think about the various ways the addict behaves – how he treats you and the rest of the family, for instance. Then ask yourself whether you would accept this kind of behavior from any other member of the family. Are you treating one family member different because they are addicted?

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5. Setting boundaries is not about getting the addict to stop his drug use. Any attempt to control the addict in this way is doomed to failure, even if the addict himself wants to stop. Instead, focus on the kinds of behaviors that you can reasonably expect the addict to change. So forbidding the addict to use drugs is pointless. Remember, he’s addicted. It’s your home, of course, and if the addict is your son or daughter you can throw them out. But are you ready to do that? A more manageable boundary could to forbid the use of drugs in the home, along with the presence of any drug paraphernalia.

6. Does the boundary encourage him to take responsibility for his addiction, his behavior, and the choices he makes. That, obviously, would be a good thing. For the same reason, avoid boundaries that demean the addict, or ones that amount to treating him like a child. Respecting appropriate boundaries can be very therapeutic for the addict, and will offer him the chance of acting responsibly – maybe for the first time in years.

7. Are there any risks involved in the boundary you want to set? For example, would cutting off all financial support provoke him to resort to stealing from you or others? In this case, a better boundary might be to provide for him but avoid giving him any cash.

8. Make sure your boundary is clearly defined and let the addict know at what point it is to take effect.

9. You need to be clear about the consequences for the addict should he violate a boundary. Let the addict know what you will do should he ignore a boundary. Make sure the consequences are appropriate to the offense and vary according to how badly the addict has acted.

10. Is the boundary you want to set realistic? Remember that you are dealing with a person who has been living without rules for a long time, so don’t imagine you will transform them by setting down a multitude of rules.

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11. Some boundaries may grow out of repeated misbehavior by the addict. Prior to laying down a strict boundary, you may give the addict an ultimatum regarding a specific behaviour – and only afterward setting a boundary.

12. Changing the way you deal with the addict is going to be difficult emotionally. Though setting boundaries is very effective and will result in real peace of mind for the family, this new way of doing things is likely to provoke painful feelings. After years of enabling the addict, rescuing him, lying for him, covering up for him, you may experience “withdrawals” when you start to let go of the addict and his addiction. There is something addictive about enabling behaviour. But now you are letting go of that behaviour and letting go of the addict and the addiction. You no longer are going to be enmeshed with the addict – with his feelings, his troubles, his crises. You may find yourself experiencing an “emotional grieving” process when you confront your powerlessness over the disease of addiction. Because setting boundaries is such a foreign concept for those of us in families with addiction, it is a great help to seek support from people in similar circumstances. This support can be found in abundance in 12 Step Family Fellowships. In the meetings of these Fellowships you will learn from others what they have gained by setting boundaries and how they have learned to enjoy life despite the trial of living with an active addict. There are many tools in the program of recovery to be found in these Fellowships, and you can learn about them all simply by attending meetings.

13. Just as you have resisted changing how you deal with the addict, so too will the addict resist any change in the way things have been done. Prepare yourself for the excuses, justifications and promises they may throw your way. Remind yourself of what has happened in the past when you have given in to their pleadings. Ask yourself, did it stop their bad behavior? Remind yourself of the facts of your life, how their behavior is hurting you and your family – and then follow through on your resolve to set boundaries.

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14. Remind yourself that you and your family deserve to lead a healthy life, not one ruled by your addicted loved one’s chaotic behaviour or by his insane addiction. Never forget that you are entitled to respect and a decent quality of life – and that setting boundaries is a key way to preserve your integrity.

15. Above all, don’t blame yourself for your loved one’s addiction. Remember that when it comes to addiction, you can’t cause it, control it, or cure it. The fact is that no one is to blame for this disease. Unwarranted guilt about poor parenting serves no useful purpose in you formulating a healthy and effective boundary.

2- Establish the boundaryHaving defined the boundary, the next step is to put it into action. The first step in doing this is to talk it over with the rest of the family. The point is that everyone has to be clear about the boundary and in general agreement that it is reasonable. Make sure everyone is in agreement and will enforce it around the addict. For example if the boundary is not to give any cash to the addict anymore, then make sure all family members are aware of this. For someone else in the family to give the addict money is bound to create confusion and resentment for the rest, while undermining why the boundary was set in the first place. In addition, this will prevent a situation where the addict may manipulate family members who are unclear of the exact nature of the boundary. Once as a family you are all in accord as to why and how you want to set a boundary, then its time to talk it over with your addicted loved one.

Below are some suggestions on how to negotiate and establish a boundary with an addict:

• Remember that negotiation involves two people, so listen to the concerns of the addict and allow him to be part of the negotiation. Listen even to his justifications or defenses, even though they may sound like the same tired excuses.

• Be open and honest regarding why you want to set this boundary -- why you say a particular behaviour is unacceptable and the harm it does

• Be cool and calm. Anger and recrimination have no place in the discussion of setting boundaries, which are not about setting

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scores or putting someone in his place. Talk about your feelings, how a behaviour by the addict hurts you, for instance. Establishing a boundary is not about rehashing old hurts and grievances. It is about dealing with the reality of here and now and why a certain behavior will no longer be tolerated.

• Admit your own faults. For example, if his drug use has led you to verbally abuse him, take responsibility for your anger

• Address the addict as an adult and not a child. Don’t judge the addict, but instead treat him as someone suffering from a chronic disease who is responsible for his own recovery

• Do not fall into the trap of getting into a fight or argument. The addict is bound to resist you demanding a boundary and starting a fight is one way he will try to sidetrack you. Instead try to keep a cool head and focus on why you started this negotiation in the first place.

• Be forthright about asking for what you want, but do not demand, plead or beg.

• After you have stated your position to the addict, double check that you have been understood. Don't assume he has automatically agreed, but make sure he understands what you require of him regarding his behavior.

• Remember that you have a right to ask for respect and your home deserves safety and protection. So if the addict refuses outright to abide by your requests, you may have to rethink whether you can both share the same roof. At the same time, be willing to make reasonable compromises in order to reach an agreement. Do not be obstinate in your demands, making it “my way or freeway”

• Agree on the terms of the boundary - such as when it will start and the consequences of the boundary being broken. You may want to ask him what consequence he thinks will be appropriate

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If negotiation does not work and your addicted loved one refuses to accept a boundary, then you can:

1) Restate in personal tones why you want to establish a boundary, making it clear that it is not a punishment. Your aim is to improve your own life, to win a measure of peace of mind.

2) If the addict absolutely refuses to cooperate in setting up a boundary, you may have to impose it without negotiating with him. You can let him know either verbally or via a letter that this specific conduct is no longer acceptable and that if he continues to engage in it there will be consequences.

3- Maintain the boundary• Staying with a boundary – especially when you are first setting

it – will be the most difficult part of the process. Addicts naturally resist any discipline. In 12 Step Fellowships, they say that defiance is the most significant characteristic of the addict. In other words, they don’t like to be told what to do. On top of this, the disease of addiction thrives in chaos and mayhem, and boundaries by nature ask for order and equilibrium, which are threatening to the addict. They will react to anything that may jeopardize their continued drug use. So count on it, they will very likely test your willingness to maintain a boundary. You need to have firmness in your resolve to keep your boundary to not allow the manipulations or demands of the addict to wear you down.

• As noted previously, setting and maintaining boundaries is a process, not something you do once and for all. Boundaries need to be reaffirmed over time. In fact, it’s very likely that you will see your boundaries violated, and you won’t react properly. But don’t let this setback keep you from resetting the boundary. You are learning a new way of relating to the addict, so it’s natural that you will make mistakes along the way. But as family members you can learn to stand firm in your conviction to carry out your boundary. You are not trying to change the addict; you are trying to change yourself. The addict has his own life to live, his own decisions to make. But your life is in your hands. A boundary is about your recovery and your family’s safety and protection. It is about you taking control of your lives, and recovering from the

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trauma of living with addiction. You have set boundaries in order to gain back your self-respect and integrity. As you gain back that self-respect, maintaining boundaries will seem more natural. After all, what you are asking for is simply decent treatment and freedom from constant anxiety. Maintaining a boundary equates with how much you value yourself. Though you are living with an active addict, you are no longer going to allow the disease of addiction to ruin your family life. Of course respecting boundaries will benefit the addict too by making him take responsibility that he is not in the habit of taking. It may even take him to the point of confronting his disease. If it does, that’s wonderful, but it’s also secondary to your reasons for setting boundaries.

• In formulating, establishing and maintaining boundaries, family members need as much support as possible. These are new behaviors you are trying to establish around someone whose thinking has become distorted by the disease of addiction. Working the 12 Steps of family support groups is the most effective way to recover from the effects of the disease of addiction on your lives. This is where you will be able to gain the strength and clarity necessary to deal with the destructive behavior of your addicted loved one. It is through the support you derive from these Fellowships that you will be able to summon up the courage and resolve to set boundaries and take steps to reclaim your lives.

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3-9- Emotional detachmentEmotional detachment is an important tool that ensures family members don’t become engulfed in the insanity of their loved one’s addiction. It is an important practise that helps them separates their feelings from the pain and misery experienced by the addict. When family members practise emotional detachment they put themselves in a healthier position to better help their addicted loved one as well as benefiting from some serenity and freedom.

• What is emotional detachment• How to practise emotional detachment

What is emotional detachment• Anyone who has dealt with an addict knows about anger,

disappointment, guilt, embarrassment, shame, anxiety, disgust, and resentment, among other painful feelings and emotions. Family members blame their addicted loved one for forcing these feelings on them. They believe that the only thing that will make them feel better is when the addict stops using drugs. In fact, though, these family members are mistaken. To begin with, the addict is not responsible if we as family members choose to live in fear and anger. Though it may be difficult to believe, ultimately, we make the choice to worry or burn with resentment. But believing that the addict is responsible for the negative emotions they experience, the family thinks that the only cure for their painful emotional lives is for the addict to stop using drugs. Wrong again! We family members can live productively and contentedly regardless of whether the addict finds recovery or continues using drugs. But by focusing on the drug user, we have made ourselves his victim and given him power over our emotional balance. If family members want to keep their sanity, restore their self esteem and reduce the amount of stress their loved one’s addiction brings into their lives, then it is important they actively protect their emotional health by practising emotional detachment.

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• When there is an addict in the family, emotions run high. Whether they like it or not, whether consciously or not, family members get sucked into the insanity of this disease. Just as the addict becomes detached from reality and lives in denial of his addiction, so too do those around him. In this case, family members become paralysed and passive in the face of the disease, letting events run their course. Or they be so angry at the havoc this disease is causing their lives that they react harshly and rashly, with the result that they alienate the addict. Another way that family members react to the confusion of feelings caused by the addiction is by protecting the addict and getting him out of trouble. Of course, though, this enabling behaviour serves only to pave the way for the addict to continue with his addiction. The point is that with an addict in the household, family members in the grip of anger and fear are likely to act in ways that do neither themselves nor the addict any good.

• Emotional detachment is not about denying your feelings; in fact, it means the opposite. For too long we family members have either pretended we weren’t affected by the behaviour of the drug addict or we were in the grip of emotions that overwhelmed us. In neither case were we in touch with what was going on with us. Detaching emotionally means taking a step backward from events, which will enable us to get the perspective we so sorely lack. The goal is to detach from all the negative emotions and irrational thoughts brought about by the addict’s destructive and harmful behaviours. We try to look at our feelings objectively, to experience what is going on with us. We don’t run from our feelings and we don’t necessarily act on them either. We want to practice letting go. That is, we focus on how we feel about what is going on in our lives, rather than to be constantly reacting emotionally to what the addict is doing.

• Family members need to remember that they have a choice over how they feel; that they are not helpless victims at the mercy of their addicted loved one; that they have the right to feel their own feelings and need not be on the same emotional roller coaster as the addict; and that they are separate and entitled to their own emotions -- and can be in control of them. Though it is perfectly natural that the addict will at times do things that make us family members angry or afraid, we can acknowledge that these feelings are our own. That is, we take responsibility for the

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feelings; we don’t blame the addict. By doing this simple thing, we feel our feelings but we they don’t overwhelm us – and so we don’t react in ways that do more harm than good. Perhaps most important of all, it is guaranteed that we will feel better when we realize we don’t have to live a world ruled by the crazy behaviour of an addict.

• To detach emotionally, we must first acknowledge the nature of the disease of addiction. We must recognize that the drug user has lost control of his habit and that his bad behaviour is not directed at us. Above all, we must accept that we have no power to get the addict to stop his drug use. As they say in 12 Step Family Fellowships: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it”. As we come to accept our limited power of the addict’s drug use, and as we cease to take his bad behaviour personally, we will find that we can practice emotional detachment. We will discover that we can live with much less fear and anger, regardless of how the addict is doing. We will begin to know moments of peace. We will no longer get into arguments with the addict. There need be no more threats or pleas or tears. Also, as we change our behaviour, we give the addict room to change his behaviour, to find his way out of his addiction.

• The concept of detaching our feelings from those of an addicted loved one may seem at first an impossible task. To let a loved one suffer what he must suffer, without our interference and without joining him in his suffering may seem like a cruel, cold thing. It goes against the grain of what we believe to be love. But if you genuinely want to help your loved one, motivate and encourage him to get clean, you need to emotionally distance yourself from the disease they are suffering. It only then that you will have the perspective and the strength to do what you can to help. And it is through practise of emotional detachment that you will learn to avoid doing those things that enable the addict to follow his destructive path.

How to practise emotional detachmentBelow are suggestions on how to emotionally detach yourself from your addicted loved one:

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1. Set BoundariesDetachment does not mean being unkind or ignoring your addicted loved one. It is about setting boundaries and engaging with them in a way that is respectful and honours both of you.

2. Choose how to reactDetachment does not mean you no longer care what happens to your addicted loved one. Instead, it means you decide how you want to emotionally engage with their destructive behaviour. You choose not to join them on their emotional roller coaster.

3. Allow them their feelingsDetachment means unwrapping yourself emotionally from your addicted loved one – allowing them to feel their own feelings -- and not trying to feel those feelings for them.

4. Regain control over your feelingsDetachment means regaining control over your emotions -- and taking responsibility for them. You no longer give the addict the power to dictate how you feel.

5. Differentiate between caring and enablingDetachment means identifying the difference between caring for your addicted loved one and feeling responsible for their addiction- enabling. You learn that loving someone does not make you responsible for everything that goes wrong with their life.

6. Let go of guilt and shameDetachment means letting go of guilt and shame. You remind

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yourself that you didn’t cause their addiction, and lack the power to control their drug use or to cure them.

7. Distance yourself from their problemsSadly, with an addict in the family it can seem like every day brings new drama and a new crisis. Detachment means not getting sucked into this chaos. Practice distancing yourself from the problems they create. By staying emotionally balanced, you put yourself in the best position to help them – while keeping your own life from becoming unmanageable.

8. Get angry at the disease not the addictBe angry at the disease, not the addict. Detachment means separating the disease from your loved one. When you feel anger remind yourself it is the addiction that is to blame, not your addicted loved one. When you can be objective about the inevitable problems that accompany addiction, you will be calmer and more effective – and less likely to do something to worsen a situation.

9. Check your motive to helpDetachment means allowing the addict to experience the consequences of his poor decisions and actions. We no longer jump in to rescue the addict from the latest trouble he has gotten himself into, because we know that ultimately we are not doing him any favours. We also are not doing ourselves any good when we engage in enabling behaviour. So before acting, check your motives. Is it that you are ashamed and want to protect the good name of the family? You owe it to the addict to let him live his life as he sees fit, and to find his own path. Though it may be hard to believe, this is the best we as family members can do for him.

10. Attend family Fellowship groupsTo learn how to emotionally detach yourself from your addicted loved one, attend family support Fellowships. These are the places where you will learn all the tools needed to practise healthy emotional detachment and not feel guilty for taking care of yourself. At these meetings you will hear from people who have been through what you have been through. You will learn what they learned, namely, that it is possible to live a productive and contented life despite having an active addict in the family.

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3-10- Constructive communicationTalking with an addict is hard. In the grips of the disease of addiction, they will be alert to any threat to their drug use and they use all sorts of mechanisms to deny or justify their behaviour, which makes it difficult for family members to talk to them. But family members are in a position where their manner of communication can encourage their addicted loved one to confront their disease and become willing to get clean. Here are some suggestions on how to build such constructive communications.

• Non-productive communication• Effective communication tools• Basics of communicating with an addict

Non-productive communicationWhen talking with an addict it is easy to say the wrong things, and so hurt the chance for open and free communication. As family members, we naturally want to do the right thing – we want to say the right thing. But the situation is stressful, and our anger and anxiety can lead us to talk to the addict in ways that are counter productive.

What follows is a list of some common stances family members take when talking to their addicted loved one that have proved to be detrimental and ineffective:

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1. Self-RighteousWhen you take the attitude that you are always right and the addict is always wrong, you get nowhere. Try to avoid conversations in which one party is bound to win and the other bound to lose. Keep in mind that you are dealing with someone you love, so try to find the common ground you share with the addict. Remember that the addict is suffering, and is not trying to harm those in the family. 2. BlameOne sure way of cutting off communication is by blaming the addict for all the ills of the family. Though the addict is responsible for creating distress, it is not fair to blame them for everything that’s wrong in the lives of every member of the family. Blaming the addict will only make him defensive and more determined to insist he has no problem with drugs. In fact, blaming the addict gives him one more excuse to use drugs, since he now feels persecuted. To imagine that the addict is the cause of all your problems is false, and shows that you as a family member has lost sight of reality. That the addict’s behaviour is a source of distress and sadness to his family is undeniable, but to jump from that to making him the scapegoat for the family’s shortcomings is unfair and unhelpful. Of course, such blame is sure to make the addict resentful and much less likely to engage in honest discourse with anyone in the family.

3. MartyrdomWe are all responsible for ourselves, for how we conduct our lives, and for pursuing our own happiness. This is so regardless of whether we have a daughter or son or a parent or a spouse addicted to drugs. But feeling for ourselves is a common human failing -- and who has more reason to feel sorry for themselves than those of us dealing with an addict? In fact, though, it is no excuse, and there are consequences to imagining that we are miserable because of someone else. When we act the victim and point the finger at the addict, we make it difficult to have any kind of communication with him. Apart from this, playing the martyr means we will never be happy until the addict gets better, which is a common pitfall among family members dealing with addiction.

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4. PutdownNo one likes to be criticized, and the addict in your family is no exception. Belittling them, calling them bad, weak or inadequate, is a sure way of provoking an angry reaction. No matter how much you think the criticisms are valid, they will serve only to drive the addict deeper into his shell. Better to look for the positives in the situation, even though they may at times be hard to discern.

5. HopelessGiving up on the addict may seem the only way. After all your efforts to get through to the addict have failed, you may decide that he is a hopeless case and that it is best to stop talking to him. Your hopelessness, though, is likely a result of your efforts to get the addict to change his behaviour, to stop using drugs. In those regards, your efforts are likely hopeless, since only the addict can decide when it’s time to stop. But you do yourself and the addict a disservice to shut them out. There is hope of recovery, remember that. Thousands upon thousands of addicts who were deep in their addiction now live drug free. This is a fact. So don’t give into hopelessness, which will only hurt you, while also conveying to the addict that they are failures doomed to a life of addiction.

6. DishonestBe honest with the addict regarding what you expect of him. Simply saying we deserve better, that we are entitled to be better treatment, but not letting them know how we would like to be treated is dishonest and will get us nowhere. Though we cannot control the addict’s drug use, though we cannot get them to stop, we can be honest and let them know how their disease is affecting us and what we do not find acceptable behaviour. Honesty is always the best policy in dealing with the addict. Though we don’t want to blame or criticize, it is appropriate to tell the addict when his behaviour makes us angry or hurt or fearful. When the addict knows he can depend on the family member to be truthful and open, he will more likely respond with honesty. Simply put, pretending you are not angry, hurt or affected when you are creates confusion and distrust.

7. Passive aggressivePutting, withdrawing, or refusing to talk with the addict is self-defeating. We get angry, of course in dealing with the bad behavior

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of the addict. Because we are angry we want to punish, so we give the addict the silent treatment. But we are hurting ourselves too, and our punishing treatment of the addict is doing him no good either. Though it can be difficult, try not to take the misbehaviour of the addict personally. The addict is in the grip of a terrible disease and has no more control over it than if he was suffering from any other disease. The point is there is no reason to punish them.

8. Self-blameAddiction hits families indiscriminately, so there is no reason to imagine that you have done something wrong to bring the disease into your home. You are not a terrible person who has brought down this suffering on a loved one. In fact, try to banish blame of yourself or anyone else from your mind. If you are able to do this, you will be much more contented and clear thinking. In such a frame of mind you will be able to communicate with the addict more effectively.

9. EnablingBy always solving their problems, instead of allowing them to take responsibility for the consequences of their addiction we family members set up a destructive dynamic. Letting the addict experience the pain of their life of drug use is the best thing you can do for them. This may be hard to believe, but it has been demonstrated again and again. Treat the addict in your family like a responsible adult, and they are more likely to start acting responsibility. Treat them like a child, and they will never be free of an unhealthy dependence on you – or on their drugs.

10. DefensiveNobody is perfect, though some of us find that hard to admit when we are dealing with an addict whose behaviour is so obviously destructive. But refusing to admit your wrongdoings, mistakes or faults – while always pointing the finger of blame – will shut the door on any chance the addict will want to talk with you.

11. CounterattackThink before you speak is a good guiding principle. When we jump to respond to the addict’s every word and action with criticism, we are shutting off hope of a dialogue.

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12. ResentfulBeing unwilling to let go of past hurts will make it difficult to open up lines of communication with the addict. Remember that the addict is a sick person, and try to have compassion for them. Holding on to grudges and bringing up old grievances is no way to forge a relationship with the addict. Instead, deal with today, and look forward to tomorrow.

Effective communication toolsIt is easy to be at war with the addict in our lives. We spend our time and energy focusing on their destructive behaviour, and the pain and distress it causes the family. We may come to believe that if the addict were only to get better, our lives would be problem-free. But such thinking is a symptom that we have come under the destructive spell of the disease of addiction. The quality of our lives is hurt, but it’s not the addict that is to blame. By a misapprehension regarding the addict and his addiction, we put our life’s energy into the fruitless mission of beating this disease. But if we can take a step back and view the addict with perspective, we can start to free ourselves of the painful consequences of our efforts to control the disease. When we find clarity on the nature of addiction – and our limitations in controlling it – we can deal with the addict in ways that lead to a healthy relationship. When we let go of the fiction that we can change the addict and get him to stop using drugs, we can build a relationship based on reality and free of blame and the like.

Here are suggestions for building constructive communication with the addict:

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1. Give them feedback not adviceThere is a big difference between advice and feedback – one is intrusive, the other supportive. Advice amounts to telling the addict what to do, and addicts don’t like to be told what they should do. The addict will never respond well to pressure. Any advice on how they need to change will simply provoke an angry reaction. They say in 12 Step Fellowships that defiance is the chief characteristic of the addict. That is why these Fellowships offer only suggestions. Feedback, on the other hand, means letting the addict know how their behaviour is affecting you. It is perfectly acceptable to tell the addict how you feel when they use drugs. This allows the addict to make up their own minds regarding how their behaviour may be harming them or you. Feedback is simply a matter of sharing your feelings. With feedback, you are not making demands on the addict. Advice, though, is your opinion on why and how they must stop using drugs. Advice comes from a position of superiority, implying you know best how they should lead their lives.

Since the majority of us don’t know the difference between giving advice and feedback here are suggestions on how to communicate using feedback techniques:

a. Provide them with the factsThough the addict’s behaviour is often distressing, try to be dispassionate when telling the addict about how his actions affect you. Remember that he does not mean you harm, and you should not take his actions personally. When you talk with the addict, provide him with information that is descriptive and objective. When sharing your thoughts, stick to the facts and stay calm. For instance, take a situation where the addict was out late the previous night and his whereabouts were unknown. Perhaps you were sick with worry that harm had come him, and you were angry to be put through that anxiety. Nevertheless, when talking to the addict the following day, describe how their behaviour affected you and state what you find unacceptable. Avoid crying or shouting or recrimination. Distancing yourself emotionally from the addict’s behaviour lessens the effects of addiction on your life and helps you avoid reacting in impulsive and harmful ways. Also, when you speak calmly and honestly about how you feel, the addict is much more likely to hear you.

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b. Do not pass judgmentAvoid name-calling, which is sure to provoke an angry, defensive reaction in the addict. Telling the addict that his behaviour is “stupid”, “destructive”, etc. will get you nowhere. The addict already knows he is acting irresponsibly, but he will still resent having his bad behaviour thrown in his face. In all cases, be careful choosing your words because it will be hard to take back any angry insults.

c. Do not react on impulseGive yourself time to calm down before speaking with them. Before getting into a discussion about a touchy subject, make sure you are not emotionally upset or too angry or frustrated. Wait until you can be more objective. Remember that it is in your best interests to remain calm. To react angrily or to engage in arguments are the ways you yourself play a part in the insanity of the addiction. When you have gained a calm perspective on the issue at hand, you will more likely talk common sense.

d. Avoid extremesBeing negative with the addict in your life will do harm to his prospects to get better. When talking with them do not use extreme words such as “never”, “always” or “for the rest of my life”, because these predictions can become self-fulfilling prophesies. And, of course, extreme expressions such as “you are always going to be a failure” or “you will never get clean” will trigger a defensive reaction on their part. Try to deal with the issue of the moment, the here and the now.

e. Avoid engaging addict when he is highTrying to have a sensible conversation with an addict when he is high is futile. You might as well be talking to the wall. Or worse, you and the addict will wind up arguing. But just remember, when you talk to an addict high on drugs, you are talking to the disease. Instead, wait for a time when they have a better chance of hearing what you have to say.

f. Be goal oriented If there is a subject that you need to discuss with the addict, make sure your objectives for the talk are clear to yourself. It is pointless to get into a conversation simply to vent your anger and frustration.

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Though you may feel relieved for a while, such conversations do nothing to address problems regarding the addict’s behaviour. In the end, you will be left more frustrated.

g. Take responsibility for your feedbackTry to get in the habit of telling the addict how you feel, rather than telling him what he is doing wrong. When you talk to the addict, do you begin most sentences with “you”? That’s an indication you have the focus on the addict, rather than yourself. It’s much better for open discussion if you talk about yourself and how a situation is affecting you. For example, do not say “you are doing ….” Instead say, “I feel …”, or “my life is being affected in this manner”. From a psychological point, the addict has a better chance of hearing your side of the story when you talk about how you feel, as opposed to making the addict feel guilty for all your problems.

h. Make sure you made your pointIf there is something you want to get through to the addict, make sure they have gotten the point. When you give feedback, give the addict the opportunity to respond. You want to be sure they have understood what you set out to tell them. You want to allow them to have their say. Your job then is to listen, with as little judgment as you can. No doubt you have experienced addicts talking and making promises they don’t keep. But maybe somewhere down the line, the fact that they were listened to without judgment will help them wake up to the reality of their addiction.

2. Highlight their inconsistencies• The goal of feedback and open discussion with the addict is to

help him see what his addiction is really all about. Drug users live in denial about the nature of their addiction and its affect on those around them. But hearing from a loved one how the disease affects them can be eye opening to the addict.

• Don’t expect miracles or overnight cures. Even after you start to use the suggestions in this section about conversing with the addict, you must allow for the fact you are dealing with a drug addict deep in his disease. Just because you are trying to do the right thing, you may still find yourself frustrated, knowing full well he is being dishonest or trying to manipulate you. just remember

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what is suggested about staying calm and objective. This will take practice, and don’t expect to get it right every time.

• Tell the truth, but be diplomatic in the manner you respond to him. Instead of responding defensively to prove your point, ask him questions to bring to light his inconsistencies. Questions such as: “How is that? “How do you mean?” “In what way?” The point is that if the conversation turns into a fight, nothing is accomplished. He has gone on the defence, back into denial and the disease has won again, for it thrives in intense and volatile emotions.

• Your goal is to move them towards considering the possibility that they have a problem with drugs. Asking them questions about how they perceive the problem, what their view of the cause of their problem is rather than telling them what they should do to stop is an effective way to accomplish this.

3. Let them take responsibility • Addicts have a tendency to blame others for their problems. Ask

them why they use drugs and they will give you a million reasons and excuses that deflect any responsibility from themselves. Most addicts have low self-esteem problems. They don’t feel good about themselves, and they project their feelings onto others, blaming them for all their problems. Of course, this makes it easier for them to justify their drug use.

• Family members trying to help the addict break out of denial and admit his drug problem must resist the defensive mechanisms of the addict, above all, his attempts to pin the blame on others. No one can cause another person to become addicted to drugs, and so family members must shake off the guilt that so often hits those closest to the addict. Accepting the truth of this, family members will be on firm footing in dealing with the addict and his attempts to manipulate and dodge responsibility. When the addict accepts that no one but himself can address his addiction, he has reached a pivotal point. When those around him stop taking responsibility for the addict’s addiction, then the addict stands a better chance of recovery. When the guilt and the blaming are taken out of the equation, then room is made for acceptance and willingness to take measures to recover from the illness.

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• Communicating with the addict means more than talking to them. One has to listen too. Ask the addict honest questions about themselves and their drug use. Let the addict tell you in his own words why he uses drugs. Hearing himself speak can be therapeutic and enlightening for him. If they are honest, they will have to admit to themselves that they have lost the power to stop their drug use, that it has become a disease over which they are solely responsible. The truth is that addicts get clean only after admission and acceptance of their condition. Family members can help through non-emotional and productive communications, and though demonstrating healthy behaviours. Ultimately, though, the choice to recover and the willingness to take the necessary actions belongs to the addict.

• When addiction is present, it is too easy for family members to step in and give advice, to try to solve the problem themselves, and attempt to fix, or cure their loved one. Based on the faulty belief that addiction is merely a behavioural problem, these efforts are bound to failure and commonly result only in anger and resentment. Family members put all their energy into getting the addict to change his behaviour. Yet when this fails to occur, when their own lives turn chaotic and unmanageable, they blame the addict. But if family members realize addiction is a disease over which they too have no power, then they can change how they approach their addicted loved one. Then there is no longer a game of rescue and resentment, blame and guilt, but a common sense approach on how to direct the addict towards getting clean. Family members take responsibility for themselves, and expect the addict to take responsibility for himself. They can talk to them in the manner that will motivate him to take actions for his condition. Acknowledgment of the disease of addiction and its adverse effects on family members can also enlighten and empower family members to take back control of their lives -- regardless of their addicted loved one. They realize the limits of their ability to help the addict and can allow the addict to experience the consequences of his addiction. This may be very difficult to do, for as family members we want to do all that is possible to stop our loved one’s suffering. But ultimately we cannot control nor have any power over how others lead their lives.

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Basics of communicating with an addictHere are some simple basic points to bear in mind when talking with our addicted loved ones:

1. Accept that your loved one is suffering from the disease of addiction and has lost the power of choice or control over his drug use

2. As hard as it may be for you to see your loved one suffer, you need to allow them to experience the consequences of their addiction.

3. Expect that your loved one will resist giving up drugs and will say and do anything to protect his addiction

4. Show concern and understanding that they are suffering from a disease, but realize that they have to go through this to get better.

5. Be patient with them. What you are asking them to do is give up a habit of a lifetime. This will take time and will not happen overnight.

6. Do not pretend you understand or condone their destructive addictive behaviours. Yet do not criticize them for their behaviour or argue with them.

7. Do not blame or attack them, but point out to them the inconsistencies between their actions and their talk.

8. Do not nag, order, bully, beg, persuade, or coerce them. These stances only lead the addict to use more drugs.

9. Instead of telling them what they should do and how they must stop their drug use, ask them questions, enquire about their feelings, and invite them to tell you what is going on with them.

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3-11- Family support groupsAddiction creates havoc in the lives of the addict and those closest to him. Though family members may believe their loved one is the only one who needs help rebuilding his life, the truth is that they too have been severely affected by the disease of addiction. Families need to recover in the same way that the addict does. They need to confront the self-defeating coping mechanisms they have adopted during the years and examine their ways of thinking and behaviour. This is not an easy task, but it is possible with the help of 12 Step Family support groups. This page explains how these programs freely offer the tools and support needed in order to recover from the effects of addiction on your lives.

• Why families need to recover• What are family support groups• 12 Steps of Family support groups

Why families need to recover• Everyone close to the addict experiences the brutal impact of

addiction. Children of addicts suffer low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, and guilt, to name a few effects. They are also at much greater risk of becoming addicts themselves. Parents whose son or daughter uses drugs also feel guilt, plus anger and fear and frustration – and more. Spouses of active addicts have little hope of a real relationship, and meanwhile are burdened with responsibilities that in a healthy marriage would be shared. These circumstances create debilitating stress -- including fear of what the future may bring. To cope, family members adapt attitudes and behaviours that undercut their chances of enjoying their own lives. The focus goes on the addict, and everything else in life is secondary. These distorted ways of thinking and feeling and acting have devastating and long-term consequences.

• Family members very often become hostage to the addiction. They put their lives on hold while waiting for the addict to stop using drugs, to straighten himself out. All effort and energy goes toward curing – or at least controlling – the addict. Meanwhile,

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any chance that the family members themselves might enjoy a normal life is forfeited. These family members have made the decision – whether consciously or not – that they will never be happy so long as their loved one is using drugs. Of course, what they are really doing is abdicating responsibility for their own well-being. They are saying, in effect, “I will be happy only when my loved one lives the way I want him to live.” What this amounts to, though, is handing over your life to the madness and demands of an insidious disease. Trapped as they are in their distorted thinking, they believe they have no choice but to “save” the loved one, to help him out, to relieve his distress, to do everything possible to smooth his way in life. Of course, their attempts at fixing the situation fail, and they get exasperated or angry. They feel disappointed and depressed that all their well-intentioned efforts to help are not improving the situation. So they redouble their efforts – and still the addict uses drugs and gets into trouble. In 12 Step Fellowships programs, insanity is defined as doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. There is another saying in these Fellowships that applies: there are no victims, only volunteers. The irony is that the more the family takes responsibility for the addict’s life – instead of letting him do it -- the more they are allowing him to set the tone in the house. In households ruled by addiction, everyone adapts to the demands of the insanity of addiction. Doubly tragic is that this enabling behaviour hurts the chances that the addict, by experiencing the consequences of his chaotic way of life, might one day confront his drug problem. Instead, it leads to a situation where the lives of family members are consumed by the disease of addiction.

• Family members must face the hard truth that to achieve peace of mind they will need to work a program of recovery – regardless of whether their addicted loved one is drug free and working his own program. Nobody gets away unscathed. Addiction is a family disease, meaning that those around the addict are also adversely affected. The sad irony is that after years of coping with the stress of living with an addict, the family member may be in worse shape emotionally and psychologically than the drug user. The addict has been escaping into the relief provided by drugs, oblivious to the harm he was inflicting on those around him. During all this time, the family member had no such relief,

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however temporary, from the heartache and anxiety of watching a loved one destroy himself. So even if the drug user avails himself of the blessing of finding recovery in a 12 Step Fellowship – or elsewhere – family members will still be stuck in the maladaptive attitudes they used to cope with the active addict. Without recovery, these family members will continue to live in the same unhealthy frame of mind, and respond to life in the same unhealthy ways.

• They call addiction a disease of denial. The addict refuses to recognize that he has a problem with drugs, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that he is no longer in control. Yet family members also live in denial about how the addiction of their loved one has profoundly affected their thinking and their behaviour. We want to believe that we are rational beings making rational choices. We certainly do not welcome the notion that we are victims of some psychological malady – and that we need help to work our ways out of it. Families typically cling to the idea that they are normal and resist any notion that their lives have been distorted by the devastating impact of this disease. It may be too painful to accept, or too frightening. Or it may be too humbling, though it is nothing to be ashamed of. The simple truth is that living with an addict affects the way people think and feel and act. People wind up coping in classic and predictable ways. You had to adopt distorted ways of thinking to deal with the abuse and insanity around you. You resorted to unhealthy behaviours, but you did so because you were trying to protect your family. You did the best you could with the information at hand. But now you can learn a new way of dealing, one that promises to be effective and with the bonus of returning to you some peace of mind.

• The good news is that once family members admit they need help and enter a program of recovery, things are guaranteed to improve. Simply attending meetings of a 12 Step Family Fellowship will open the eyes of family members and is just about certain to bring relief. Using the tools learned at these meetings will help create a healthier environment in the home. You can learn to stop enabling the addict and start being genuinely supportive, which may be the thing your addicted loved one needs to get clean. But regardless of his desire for sobriety, you can begin to practice living a life free from the burden of addiction.

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What are family support groups • Very early on in the history of 12 Step Fellowships it was

recognized that the family of the addict or alcoholic needs a program of recovery in the same way that the addict or alcoholic does. These groups proved so successful in answering the problems of those dealing with drug or alcohol abusers that a number of them were founded. The most well-established of these family support groups are Al-Anon (for those dealing with alcoholics) and Nar-Anon and Families Anonymous (for those dealing with addicts). All such Fellowships hold meetings that are free and open to anyone who wants to attend. The meetings are organized by members themselves and are usually about an hour long. Though each group is free to structure its meeting as it pleases, a typical meeting might begin with a brief reading from the Fellowship’s literature, followed by sharing from those who care to do so. Nothing is demanded of those attending the meeting. No last names are used and no one outside of the meeting need know you are attending it. One of the principles of these Fellowships is anonymity, which members take seriously. These meetings are made up of people who have experienced what you have experienced. Family members may think that their problems and fears from years of living with an addict are unusual, or somehow set them apart from the rest of society. In the meetings of Nar-Anon or FA, you will learn that the opposite is true, that your responses and ways of coping with an addict follow very common lines. The healing starts when you discover that others have gone through what you have gone through. Addiction is a disease of isolation – for the addict and for the family – and these Fellowships break that isolation.

• Family Fellowships use adapted versions of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Steps stress our inability to control the addict or his addiction. We learn that accepting this simple truth frees us to live our own lives. In the words of Step One, “We admitted we were powerless over … (type of addiction) and our lives have become unmanageable.” When we start to work our program we realize that we exhausted ourselves in futile efforts to control the addict. We finally recognize that we were making unreasonable demands on others and on ourselves – and on life itself. In working the Steps we learn to stop fighting. The paradox is that by surrendering we have won our first battle against the

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unhappiness we have so long endured. We see that to continue pursuing the delusion that we can control another human being or that person’s addiction is the road to unmanageability. To continue in this pointless effort to condemn ourselves to frustration. We inevitably fail and then blame the addict or ourselves. But when we commence to work a program of recovery, we no longer take our cue from the addict. We are no longer hitched emotionally to him; his ups and downs become his alone. We don’t stop loving him, but we do stop letting him dictate how we feel. In working the Steps we learn that life can be lived without fear of the future by living it one day at a time.

• 12 Step Family Fellowships are very welcoming. Embodied in the Steps is the principle that we help our own recovery by helping others in their recovery. At meetings you can expect that members will be happy to answer any questions you may have. At some point, you may want to ask someone in particular to help you as you find your way in recovery – as you work the Steps. That person is called a sponsor. There is nothing official about the relationship, or strict or rigid – and you can decide to change sponsors anytime you like. Having a sponsor can be a big help as we learn about recovery. When we work the program we start to let go of resentments that have afflicted us for so long. We can forgive, and we learn to forgive ourselves. We let go of the shame and guilt that come with addiction. The Steps provide the tools to help us heal. With them we restore our lives to health and serenity. The Steps are an education in the disease of addiction, and all the ways it affects us. We learn to recognize the pathologies in our families – and assign responsibility for those pathologies to the disease. We accept that we fell under the power of the disease, just as the addict did. As a result of working the 12 Steps, family members begin to regain respect, integrity and control over their lives. They learn to take responsibility for their distorted thinking and destructive responses to the addict. They realize it is not so much the addict they need to change, but themselves. We learn that this is the key to sanity and a better way of life.

• One of the most powerful principles in Family Fellowships is the three C’s: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, I can’t control it”. This simple statement sums up the basic truths that the family member can use as a guide in recovery. The reason the 3 C's

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is so powerful is that almost anyone who has lived with an addict comes to believe just the opposite. We believe we caused the addiction and that we can cure or control it. In recovery, we accept that no one is to blame for the loved one’s addiction, and no one but the addict can take the necessary actions to recover. Accepting the truth of this is humbling – but also liberating. Yet letting go of the destiny of our loved one takes courage and faith. But in recovery we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, and we turn the addict over to his own Higher Power. That's what is suggested in the Family Fellowships, and no one has more experience that these Fellowships in dealing with addicts. Still, such principles are hard to put into practise after years of living with the insanity of addiction. But we try, a day at a time, and each day find more peace and serenity.

• Meetings of Family support groups are available in most parts of the world, and provide a great support network. Attending such meetings we hear other family members are suffering from similar problems, and that we are not alone. As we sit and listen, we begin to let go of our sense of guilt and shame. We come out of the isolation that has imprisoned us in. It is cathartic to be able – for probably the first time in our lives – to talk openly and honestly about the ordeal of living with an addict. We talk about our distorted thinking, about our fears and our disappointments. There is power and strength in the group. Meetings give us the courage to act in the ways we learn are in our best interest, and in the best interest of the family, and, ultimately, the addict himself. It is not easy to change the way we have acted for years. We have deeply ingrained habits of thinking and behaving. But in these meetings we will be surrounded by people who have faced the same challenges we are now facing and who found a new way to live, a way that works.

• The many benefits of attending meetings of a 12 Step Family Fellowship and working a program of recovery are beyond doubt. Having let go of the self-defeating ways of dealing with the addict, members cease trying to control their addicted loved one. When they start to focus on their own lives, they see immediate improvement, regardless of what the addict is up to. It has to be noted that recovery from the effects of addiction is a process; it takes time to reapply healthy ways of thinking and behaving. But by practicing the principles of the 12 Steps and using the tools

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of the program, you will realize that you are achieving what you once thought impossible. You can start living your own life – and enjoying it.

12 Steps of family support groupsBelow is a generic version of the 12 Steps of Family support groups, which will help familiarize you with the tools and suggestions they offer towards recovery.

1. We admitted we were powerless over (addictive substances & behaviours) and other people’s lives-that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the

exact nature of our wrongs.6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of

character.7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to

make amends to them all.9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except

when to do so would injure them or others.10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong

promptly admitted it.11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our contact

with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

For information about some Farsi speaking Family support group meetings worldwide, please refer to Hamrah's website.

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