Active voice vs

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Active Voice vs. Passive Voice and a Primer on Dialogue

Drawing your reader into the story


Reader Engagement

The most important part of story telling is to create an interesting story.

Powerful verbs allow a writer to tell a story in an interesting way.

Weak or vague verbs can distance the reader from the story.

Weak or vague constructions can also create wordiness.


Passive or Active Passive voice: form of “to be” + past participle

= passive voice I was running to the bus stop.

Passive voice tends to place emphasis on the object rather than the subject.

Active voice: subject + past or present tense verb = active voice. I ran to the bus stop.


Identifying Passive Voice

Look for forms of “to be” in your sentences.

A handy list of such forms: is, are, am , was, were, has been, have been, had been, will be, will have been, being.

Typically, these words will be between the subject and the verb of a sentence.* Arthur was brandishing his

sword. The sword was brandished by

Arthur.


Revising Passive Voice Relying on subject + verb construction is

typically ideal. Try to cut out anything that detracts from the

power of the verb. Consider using a stronger verb.

I was running to the bus stop. Mildred was looking out the window, at nothing in

particular, and she was sad.


I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream Limp, the body of Gorrister hung from the pink

palette; unsupported—hanging high above us in the computer chamber; and it did not shiver in the chill, oily breeze that blew eternally through the main cavern.

Limp, the body of Gorrister was hanging from the pink palette; unsupported—hanging high above us in the computer chamber, and it was not shivering in the chill, oily breeze that had been blowing eternally through the main cavern.


I Have No Mouth (cont.) Benny leaped away from me as I made a grab

for him. He scrambled up the face of a smaller memory cube, tilted on its side and filled with rotted components. He squatted there for a moment, looking like the chimpanzee AM had intended him to resemble.

Benny was leaping away from me as I was reaching to grab him. He began to scramble up the face of a smaller memory cube, tilted on its side and filled with rotted components. He was now squatting there for a moment, looking like the chimpanzee AM had intended him to resemble.


I Have No Mouth (cont.) I drove the great ice-point ahead of me like a

battering ram, braced against my right thigh. It struck Benny on the right side, just under the rib cage, and drove upward through his stomach and broke inside him. He pitched forward and lay still. Gorrister lay on his back. I pulled another spear free and straddled him, still moving, driving the spear straight down through his throat. His eyes closed as the cold penetrated. Ellen must have realized what I had decided, even as fear gripped her. She ran at Nimdok with a short icicle, as he screamed, and into his mouth, and the force of her rush did the job. His head jerked sharply as if it had been nailed to the snow crust behind him.


Final Thoughts

Active voice is especially important in dramatic detailed scenes.

Passive voice has its place, but use it sparingly.

Always try to make your verbs as strong as possible. If you choose to use a weak verb, have a good reason.


Dialogue

Dialogue is what a character says.

Dialogue can serve the following purposes: characterization, reveals plot, and shows action.

Dialogue is a scene. Some dialogue is better shared in summary while other dialogue is better shared in detail.


Dialogue Guidelines

The idea of “realistic” dialogue is misleading.

Do not over-stuff your dialogue.

Read your dialogue out loud. If it is awkward to read out loud, you should further revise the scene.


Dialogue Structure Most people speak in relative simple

statements. I turned on the television because I was bored. I, in my morose and cathartic state, retrieved the

remote, slumped in the chair, and watched for hours after image after image flashed and danced on the television screen.

Word choice and phrasing is probably the best way to differentiate between characters.


Formatting Dialogue “Damn the torpedoes!” he said. She asked, “Does this make me look fat?” “And then he turned to me and said, ‘Would

you mind taking that call outside?’”

A new speaker warrants a new tabbed paragraph.


An Example SceneI don’t remember exactly what we talked

about. I only recall trying to slip in references to the happy times in our relationship: Kurt Vonnegut, Cape May, Oglebay’s Good Zoo. Smiles. Laughter. No yelling. No tears. We both acted normal, but the undertone was grim, like a prisoner enjoying a last meal.

I walked Hilary to her car. She got in and started the engine. I sat in the passenger seat. A Bright Eyes CD played on the stereo. The heater was set to high. Hilary sat rigid, looking down at the dry skin on her hands.


Example Scene (cont.)“I made a mistake,” I said, watching headlights run back and forth on

the road racing between Eat N Park and a run-down JC Penny’s.

“Don’t say that,” Hilary said, her voice creaking like the hinges of an old storm door.

I couldn’t look at her. I focused on the headlights. “I miss you,” I said.

“Stop,” Hilary whimpered.

The music played. The heater billowed. The headlights ran back and forth, slicing the darkness.

Hilary hugged me. Her arms wrapped tightly around my limp body. Her body rose and fell, breathing tears, breathing sobs. One of her tears dripped from my jacket on to my collar bone. It traced an icy trail down my chest. For a few moments, lifting my arms to hug her back felt wrong, but eventually, I returned the grasp. I squeezed her close.

“I’m sorry,” Hilary said, her voice muffled by my shoulder.

“Me too,” I replied.

Hilary squeezed harder and exhaled slowly. She let go and pulled back to the driver’s seat. She wiped her eyes.

“I have to go,” she said.


Example Scene (cont.)I nodded and left the car. Hilary

slammed her car into reverse, backed out of the space, shifted into drive, and pulled out of the parking lot. She wiped her eyes and adjusted the radio as she went. She didn’t look at me.

I called her from my cell phone. I begged her to come back with me. She refused.


Assignments

Write a short scene containing dialogue. Use minimal attributions (up to three) and only two summary lines. Aim for about 500 words.

Revise your draft for passive voice. Try to eliminate all passive constructions and look

to strengthen existing active constructions by using more vivid verbs.

Read “A Clean Well-Lighted Place” by Ernest Hemingway. http://www.mrbauld.com/hemclean.html

Next week: sentence structure.

http://www.mrbauld.com/hemclean.html

http://www.mrbauld.com/hemclean.html

Active voice vs

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