ACADEMIC ENGLISH IIIOct. 8, 2014

Today

- Academic style: wordiness

Often, writing looks like this

Photo credit: creators.ning.com 

Improving Writing Skills

“Waste Management” – taking out the trash

Source: commons.wikimedia.org

Taking out the trash

In the class that we are going to hold on this day, it is my plan that we, as a class, will look at an issue which is common in writing fairly often; I want to talk about and discuss the issue of ‘wordiness’.

Today, we will examine a common issue, wordiness.

Wordiness

Conciseness is important in both academic and business writing.

- Concise writing expresses ideas without unnecessary wordiness.

Wordiness:

- Increases the length of your work without adding meaning.

- Makes writing more difficult to understand.

Wordiness

Example 1:

The reason why Dave came to Success College was because it is inexpensive in price.

2 issues:

1. The words reason, why, and because all express the same idea.

2. Saying something is inexpensive includes the idea of price.

Wordiness

Example 1:

The reason why Dave came to Success College was because it is inexpensive in price.

Concisely:

Dave came to Success College because it is inexpensive.

Wordiness

Example 2:

Despite the fact that she was feeling ill, Ann came to the conclusion that she would go to work.

2 issues:

1. ‘Despite the fact that’ is just a long way of saying ‘despite’.

2. ‘Came to the conclusion that’ is a long way of saying decided.

Wordiness

Example 2:

Despite the fact that she was feeling ill, Ann came to the conclusion that she would go to work.

Concisely:

Despite feeling ill, Ann decided to go to work.

Wordiness

In my opinion, I think the study of Sociology is very fascinating.

- This sentence can be cut down to three words:

Sociology is fascinating.

WordinessIn my opinion, I think the study of Sociology is very fascinating.

Sociology is fascinating.

- In my opinion and I think just repeat the same idea.

- Fascinating is clearly a judgment, so there is no need to include either ‘I think’ or ‘In my opinion’.

- Sociology includes the idea of studying it, so the study of is redundant.

- Fascinating can be defined as very interesting, so adding very is unnecessary.

Some simple examples

All of the following examples are wordy.

- Why is each wordy?

- How can each be written concisely?

1. The stegosaurus was huge in size.

- The stegosaurus was huge.

2. Now she is at school. • - She is at school.

3. He was happy and joyful about the great gift. • - He was happy about the gift.

4. Because of the fact that he got a good grade on the midterm, Tim decided to take the night off. • - Because he got a good grade on the midterm, Tim took the night off.

5. In the summer season, many Vancouverites like to picnic in Stanley Park. • - In the summer, many Vancouverites like to picnic in Stanley Park.

6. On January 14, in the middle of winter, the weather was freezing cold. • - On January 14, the weather was freezing.

- January 14 was freezing.

7. I think smoking in public places should be banned. • - Smoking in public should be banned.

8. In order to get the true facts of the case, the lawyer interviewed 4 witnesses. • - To get the facts, the lawyer interviewed 4 witnesses.

9. Furthermore, Henry VIII also married six different women. • - Henry VIII also married six women.

10. Redundancy is defined as unnecessary repetition. • - Redundancy is unnecessary repetition.

11. New Westminster, which was British Columbia’s first capital city, is located on the shores of the Fraser River. • - New Westminster, British Columbia’s first capital city, is located along the

Fraser River.

12. The computer is sitting on top of the table. • - The computer is on the table.

Common Causes of Wordiness

W = wordy C = concise

Use of vague words which need explanation instead of precise words.

W: She talked to him in a loud angry voice.

C: She yelled at him.

W: The crime wave had some bad results that cost people a lot of money.

C: The crime wave had some costly results.

Common Causes of WordinessUse of long expressions instead of individual words

W: to come to the conclusion that

C: to decide

W: to put forward the idea that

C: to suggest

i.e., The president put forward the idea that the meeting be extended.

The president suggested that the meeting be extended.

Common Causes of Wordiness

Repetitive wording:

end result

past experience

share in common

small in size

= end

= past

= share

= small

Common Causes of Wordiness

Repetitive wording:

made a discovery

made an attempt

made an accusation

made an appearance

made a decision

= discovered

= attempted

= accused

= appeared

= decided

Common Causes of Wordiness

Repetitive wording, or words that provide excessive detail

W: Imagine a mental picture of someone engaged in the intellectual activity of learning the rules of playing chess.

C: Imagine someone attempting to learn the rules of chess.

Common Causes of Wordiness

Over-use of “it” and “there” as meaningless subjects

W: It was exciting to go to the New Year celebrations.

C: The New Year celebrations were exciting.

W: There were thirty-four people in the room who were waiting for the mayor.

C: Thirty-four people in the room were waiting for the mayor.

Common Causes of Wordiness

Over-use of “it” and “there” as meaningless subjects

“Empty Openers”

W: There is a prize in every box of Almond Flakes cereal.C: A prize is in every box of Almond Flakes cereal.

Common Causes of Wordiness

Over-use of relative clauses (starting with that, who, which)

W: The news, which was released yesterday, was devastating.

C: The news released yesterday was devastating.

W: The girl who was talented gave a concert.

C: The talented girl gave a concert.

Common Causes of Wordiness

Over-use of passive verbs

W: The criminal was caught by the police, and later the

criminal was convicted by the courts.

C: The police caught the criminal and the court convicted him.

passive

passive

active active

Side note: passive vs. active voice

In business writing, active sentences are generally preferred over passive sentences.

Side note: passive vs. active voice

In academic writing, active sentences are preferred over passive sentences.

Active voice:

- The subject performs the action expressed by the verb.

i.e., Andrew threw the hammer.

Side note: passive vs. active voice

In academic writing, active sentences are preferred over passive sentences.

Passive voice:

- The subject receives the action expressed by the verb.

i.e., The hammer was thrown by Andrew.

Side note: passive vs. active voice

In academic writing, active sentences are preferred over passive sentences.

- The active voice is:

- More concise

- More direct

- Easier to understand

Side note: passive vs. active voice

Examples:

It is believed by some critics that Psycho is Hitchcock’s greatest film.

Active:

Some critics believe that Psycho is Hitchcock’s greatest film.

Side note: passive vs. active voice

Examples:

The Old Man and the Sea was written by Ernest Hemmingway.

Active:

Ernest Hemmingway wrote The Old Man and the Sea.

Side note: passive vs. active voice

Exception:

If the agent – the one performing the action- is unknown, you can use the passive voice.

i.e., The walls had been defaced by grafitti.

The car was pushed over the cliff.

Practice- The following slides provide sample revisions to the 11

sentences from the “Avoiding Wordiness Practice” sheet.

- Remember that your revisions do not necessarily have to be exactly the same as these.

- If you have any questions about these revisions (or yours), please let me know.

Avoiding wordiness – practice

Terry Fox

1. Terry Fox is perhaps one of Canada’s greatest modern heroes because he did something amazing even though he lost his leg.

2. Terry Fox was born in 1958 in Winnipeg, Manitoba.

3. At the age of 19, Fox was diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer.

4. Doctors decided to amputate most of one of his legs to stop the cancer from spreading.

5. While recovering from the amputation, Fox came up with the “Marathon of Hope”, which he hoped would help him make a lot of money for cancer research.

6. He began his run in St. John’s, Newfoundland on April 12, 1980.

7. He ran nearly 40km per day and had run 5373 km when he got to Thunder Bay, a small city in western Ontario.

8. In Thunderbay, cancer was discovered in his lungs so he had to end his run there.

9. Fox was an inspiration to millions of people with his great bravery and devotion to his cause.

10. With his run, he encouraged Canadians to contribute almost $25 million for cancer research.

11. Although Fox died in New Westminster in June, 1981, he has not been forgotten.

Journal entry 3

Deadline: Friday (1:30 p.m.)

Revise “Canada in Space”