Abigail the melodrama script

© 2011 Kathy Applebee Find royalty free Christian Drama skits at my Fools for Christ website at

http://tiny.cc/rkaz2

Cast (9) with Doubling

Ma//Maid 2

Owen Lots/Willin/ Eglon/Amalekite Gang

Abigail

David/ ASHKELON/Amalekite Gang

Nabal/Abel/ GAZA/ Amalekite Gang

Willin/Ekron/Amalekite Gang

MAID 1, 3

MAID 4/ Phyliss

MAID 5

Note: Nabal must be the typical slimy villain and Phyllis the typical “bad woman”, exuding

wiles and seduction. David, as the hero and Abigail as our heroine should fit the stereotypes as

well, except Abigail shows less helplessness than usual.



Scene 1: Before curtain, center stage

MAID 1: This here’s the story of Abigail and David. I was one of Abigail’s five maids and

what I didn’t see with my own eyes I got from Miss Abigail herself.

MAID 3: We gots to start this story way back before Miss Abigail hitched up with David, or that

scoundrel Nabal. Back in the days when Phyllis Steen’s gang struck terror in the hearts of the

good folks.

MAID 1: Not so far back as another hero – Samson - who eventually busted up Phyllis Steen’s

gang for a bit. He got in some bodacious trouble with Delilah the barber.

MAID 3: You audience members can help us tell the story by responding to the signs. (MAID 5

holds up “Boo Hiss’, “Our Hero”, “He always has and He always will” and have audience

practice) Ya’ll done good so here we go.

At rise: Abigail is sweeping and MA is looking out of the window.

ABIGAIL: Ma, You been watching out the window most of the day. You reckon that Phylllis

Steen’s got her gang riding our way?

MA: I sure wish your father, Owen Lots, would get home directly. With that Phyllis Steen’s

Gang running these parts a body could come to harm.

ABIGAIL: Don’t worry so. God will take care of father. (sign) He always has and He always

will.

MA: I reckon. But this family would be in a heap of trouble if Phyllis Steen’s Gang came by our

place. They been stealing sheep and vittles, right off some folk’s tables. We sure enough need

the law around these parts but since King Saul went plumb crazy, there just ain’t been any.

ABIGAIL: (Getting that dreamy far –off love-struck look) If only King Saul would make things

right with that brave warrior David, (sigh) (MAID 4 hold “Our Hero” sign up and have

audience sigh) David would save us from Phyllis Steen’s Gang.

MA: Saul has a conniption fit at even the mention of David’s name. But David’s a clever one.

He skeedaddled himself out to the badlands. All Saul’s chasing him won’t amount to a hill of

beans.

OWEN: (entering) Ma, Abigail, I’m a feared I have some bad news. Phyllis Steen’s Gang has

stolen our sheep herd, our wheat and the shirt off my back.

MA: The shirt off your back?



OWEN: Actually, it was on the clothesline. But the rent money was in the pocket. What are we

gonna do? We’re plumb broke and the rent on this farm is due. If we can’t pay it, that ornery,

no-account rascal Nabal (MAID 5 Hold up “Boo! Hiss!” sign for audience) will foreclose and

kick us out of house and home.

ABIGAIL: God will provide a way. (MAID 4 holds up “He always has and He always will”

sign) He always has and he always will. (knocking on the door)

NABAL: (Calling from off stage) Owen Lots, open up in the name of the law. (ABIGAIL,

OWEN and MA gasp)

OWEN: The law? I’m a coming. Hold yer horses. (opening door) What can I do for you, sir?

NABAL: I’ve come for the rent! (Boo Hiss sign)

OWEN: (confused) You ain’t the law. You’re our landlord, Nabal.

NABAL: Might as well be the law. (aside to audience) Ever since Samuel came to be pushing

up daisies, I’ve been able to do whatever I want. (to Owen) Owen Lots, I’ve come for the rent.

OWEN: We can’t pay the rent. Phyllis Steen’s Gang stole our sheep, our wheat and the shirt off

my back, I mean clothesline. The rent money was in that shirt.

NABAL: Unless you pay the rent I’ll evict you into the desert. (Hold up “Boo! Hiss!” sign for

audience)

MA: We’d die or be captured by Phyllis Steen’s gang. You’re one of the richest fellers in these

parts. Give us a little more time.

NABAL: Balderdash. I want either the rent money or the hand of your beautiful and intelligent

daughter, Abigail. I’ve taken cotton to her. If you give me her hand, I’ll forgive your debt.

OWEN: (dense) Whatcha going to do with just her hand?

ABIGAIL: He means he wants to hitch up with me.

NABAL: Look at it this way. You’re not losing a daughter, your gaining a charming, handsome,

and might I add, wealthy son-in-law to your family. (laughs cruelly, with malice)

ABIGAIL: To save my family from foreclosure, I’ll marry you, Nabal.

NABAL: (Laughs evilly, to audience) That was as easy as licking butter off a knife.

Scene 2



Stage is split with David and the Desperados stage right and Abigail and her maids stage left.

One side freezes/no lights while the other side has light and action.

MAID 1: Now David had escaped from Saul by hiding out in the badlands.

MAID 3: A band of Desperados gathered around him.

DAVID: (taking His “David the superhero” pose) Red Eye, Abel and Willin, this here Ziglag is

a good place to set up camp, far far away from Saul and His evil intentions.

ABEL: But Ziglag is smack dab in the middle of Phyllis Steen’s gang’s territory.

DAVID: As God’s anointed, I ain’t worried about Phyllis Steen or her gang.

WILLIN: (Inspecting an upside down map) Ziglag? I don’t see no Ziglag. (RED EYEL turns the

map right side up and points it out for him while ABEL clobbers him with his hat)

RED EYE: According to this map, those sheep belong to a certain Big Wig from Carmel.

Nabal’s his name and he’s powerfully well off. He’s got a thousand goats and three thousand

sheep.

ABEL: I heard he’s a surly and highfaluting yellow – bellied blow hard who spends most of his

time in the saloon.

RED EYE: Folks around these parts say he’s got a wife by the name of Miss Abigail that’s sharp

as a tack and fine as frog hair.

DAVID: Since I used to be a shepherd and this Nabal is just two hoots and a holler away from

our camp, I want you Desperados to watch out for whole outfit. Phyllis Steen’s Gang might try

to kick up a row every now and then. We’ll just put a stop to it before it starts. (Abel, Willin

and Red Eye nod and “Yes, Sir”)

Scene 3

MAID 3: (Center stage, spot only) David’s Desperados watched out for Nabal’s crew the whole

time. Now in these here parts, finishing up the sheep shearing means a big shindig.

DAVID: Red Eye, Abel and Willin, I hear Nabal and His outfit is having a big hoe down directly

after shearing them sheep. Mosey on over to Carmel and tell ‘em we hope they are all as fit as a

fiddle. Then ask real nice what all he might spare in the way of vittles.

ABEL: We’ll call to His mind how nothing of sis was missing the whole time David’s

Desperados were around.



WILLIN: And how nice we treated them, like they was kinfolk. (RED EYE, WILLIN and ABEL

exit. Lights off stage right. David freezes. Lights up on Abigail and her Maids. MAID 4 Holds

up sign “Meanwhile, Back at the ranch”)

MAID 1: Abigail that no account husband of yours is as full of whiskey as a tick on a three day

bender.

MAID 2: (Wringing her hands) But that ain’t all.

MAID 1: Nabal has gone and kicked up a row with David and His Desperados. Night and day

those Desperados were a wall around the menfolk keeping Phyllis Steen’s Gang from stealing

the sheep.

MAID 2: (Wringing her hands) Three of David’s Desperados moseyed over, asking if Nabal had

some spare vittles for them.

MAID 1: But Nabal answered him uglier than a bucket of mud. He said….. (Spot on center

stage. NABAL is speaking to RED EYE and WILLIN)

NABAL: Who is this David? Many bumpkins are breaking away from their bosses these days.

Why should I fork over my vittles and give it to some deadbeats coming from who knows

where? Vamoose! (Spot off, Lights on stage left)

MAID 2: (Crying and carrying on, periodically blowing her nose loudly) A heap of trouble is

hanging over our thick headed master and our whole place.

MAID 1: He is such a low down varmint that a body can’t talk to him.

MAID 2: (Wringing her hands) Nabal cooked up more trouble than a long tailed cat has in a

room full of rocking chairs. (Bursts into tears)

ABIGAIL: Ya’ll don’t worry yourselves none. God will provide. (MAID 5 holds up “He always

has and He always will” sign) He always has and He always will. Load up a bunch of vittles

and 5 dressed sheep on the mules.

MAID 2: What we gonna dress the sheep in – calico dresses?

MAID 4: Dressed as in ready to roast.

ABIGAIL: The saddle up girls, we’re a heading out to pay a little visit to David and his

Desperados.

MAID 5: Hold up sign “Meanwhile, back at the Desperados”. Lights off Abigail and on David.

WILLIN: Nabal wasn’t very neighborly. He told us to skedaddle.

DAVID: Jumping Jehoshephat! I’m madder than a peeled rattler! I reckon It's been balderdash

—all my watching over this fellow's property in them thar hills so that nothing of His was

missing. He has paid me back evil for good. (taking His “David” the superhero pose) May God

deal with David, be it ever so severely, if by morning I leave alive one male of all who belong to

him! (breaking pose) Red Eye, Willin and Abel, Put on your pig stickers, boys. We’ll be paying

the Nabal place a little visit.



RED EYE: (hand over eyes, shading them for a far off look) Look there, David. Somebody’s a

coming to pay us a visit.

ABEL: (Shading eyes) It’s a mule train toting enough stuff to start a dry goods store.

WILLIN: And riding along is Miss Abigail herself. Now look, she’s getting off her mule and

looking at the dirt. Do you reckon she lost an earring? (ABEL hits him with his hat. The menfolk

all take their hats off as the women folk approach. During the exchange between DAVID and

ABIGAIL they flirt back and forth)

ABIGAIL: (Bowing) David, pay no attention to that no-account ornery skunk, Nabal. He was

just shooting his mouth off. His name is Varmint, and he acts like a varmint. Now pull in your

horns and let God take care of your enemies. No sense you getting your hands dirty. God’ll see

to it your enemies wind up like dung kicked in the ditch. Please accept this picayune gift, and

when the LORD has brought you success, remember little ole Abigail.

DAVID: Praise God for sending somebody as smart as a whip to talk some sense into my hard

head. As surely as the LORD, the God of Israel, lives, I was planning to wipe out Nabal and his

outfit. I reckon this squares us up. Go home in peace. (tips his hat to ABIGAIL)

ABIGAIL: (aside to audience) David, My hero! (MAID 5 holds up “Our Hero” sign and has

audience sigh. Lights off except center spot on MAID holds up sign “Meanwhile, Back at the

ranch” and “Later on” sign. Lights up stage left on ABIGAIL and MAIDS.

MAID 1: God took care of the matter of Nabal alright. Within days old Nabal was pushing up

daisies.

MAID 2: (Wringing her hands) Abigail, what will we do now that you’re a poor little old widow

woman? Once Phyllis Steen’s Gang finds out there’ll be no end to our troubles.

ABIGAIL: Never fear. The Lord will provide. He always has and He always will. (MAID 5

holds up sign)

RED EYE, WILLIN and ABEL move to stage left, RED EYE and ABEL bow before ABIGAIL and

they have to drag WILLIN down next to them because he’s busy waving shyly at the MAIDs who

are giggling)

ABEL: David has sent us to pay his respects cuzing you’re a widow.

RED EYE: But, shucks, ma’am, a pretty little thing like you ought to not be by yourself with

Phyllis Steen’s gang roaming these parts. (They all stand) You ought to hitch up with someone

who can protect you.

ABIGAIL: You can tell David I’m ready, willing and able.

WILLIN: (Confused) You ain’t Red Eye, Willin or Abel. (pointing at each) I’m Willin, he’s

Abel…. (ABEL hits him with his hat and shuts him up)

RED EYE: She knows that. She means she’s gonna get hitched to David

Scene 5



MAID 3: Miss Abigail and we five maids headed off to Ziklag. Miss Abigail and David got

hitched. Everything was going as fine as frog’s hair until ……

DAVID: (Striking His superhero pose) Saddle up, Red Eye, Willin and Abel (To Abigail) My

Desperados and I are riding with old Achish the King.

ABIGAIL: But Achish is one of the Phyllis Steen gang!

DAVID: Don’t worry about me. Worry about my enemies. (Striking his superhero pose) After

all, I am not the David who protected my sheep in the wilderness, all by myself, against the

(singing the Wizard of Oz tune) lions and tigers and bears? Oh My!

ABIGAIL: Yes, but …

DAVID: And am I not David, the one who felled the giant Goliath with but five stones and my

trusty sling?

ABIGAIL: Yes, but…

DAVID: And am I not the David who has slain his 10 thousands as the songs about me say?

ABIGAIL: (Forcefully stopping him from interrupting her) Yes, but… I worry you’ll let that

Phyllis Steen woman give you a bad haircut.

DAVID: Don’t fret your pretty little head. I’ll keep my hat on the whole time.

MAID 3: I the meantime some of the boys in Phyliss Steen’s Gang were having a conniption fit

about David riding with them.

GAZA: How come the king is letting that David ride with us?

EKRON: Old King Achish thinks he’s the cat’s pajamas and the bee’s knees.

EGLON: (Has his crown on upside down) I hate that David guy, always up before the sun

playing rise and shine on that harp of his. Can’t a guy get a little shut eye every now and then?

GAZA: (Depressed) But what can we do about it? Nobody can hold a candle to him as a

gunslinger.

EKRON: (Defeated) He knocked off our champion, Goliath with one small stone from his sling.

GAZA: No man can defeat him with the God of Israel on his side.

PHYLISS: (Entering big and bold, yet seductive and wily) No MAN. Quit your bellyaching.

There’s a reason this here gang’s named after me, Phyllis Steen.

EGLON: Phyllis, what makes you reckon you can come up with something better than us

Philistine Kings? You’re just a woman. (GAZA hits him with his crown)



PHYLLIS: Exactly. A woman. And it’s always been a woman who’s taken these Israelite

heroes down a notch or two. Have you forgotten what my great great great grandmother Delilah

did when that muscle bound Samson had your panties up in a bunch?

EGLON: Gave him a haircut. (perking up) You gonna cut David’s hair?

PHYLLIS: A hair cut won’t work this time. David and his Desperadoes have been picking on

the Amalekites. They’re pretty sore at him. While David and his men are marching down here

to meet you all for the big showdown, I’ve arranged for the Amalekites to carry off Ziglag lock,

stock and barrel. (Pause to let it sink in for EGLON who is scratching his head) Including all the

women and children (EGLON is even more confused so ASHKELON clobbers him over the head

with his crown)

ASHKELON: When those Desperadoes of his discover their families and everything they own is

missing, THEY’LL turn on David. (PHYLLIS looks smug, the men all agree. Lights up on

Abigail and maids. The Kings take off crowns and put kerchiefs on to hide their faces and turn

them into the Amalekite Gang. They rush in and “capture” the maids, tying them to chairs.

MAID 2 repeatedly faints and carries on loudly until they gag her.)

SCENE 5

Stage is split with David and the Desperados stage right and Abigail and her maids tied to

chairs stage left. One side freezes/no lights while the other side has light. Maid 5Holds up sign

“Meanwhile, back at the Desperados with one hand while tied)

RED EYE: David, Ziklag’s been burned to the ground. The whole kit and caboodle is missing,

including the women and children.

WILLIN: Some of the Desperados are talking about having a neck tie party (pantomimes pulling

a noose tight, sticks his tongue out and crosses his eyes) for you for getting us into this

bodacious mess.

DAVID: God will take care of our families. (MAID 5 holds up sign with one hand) He always

has and He always will. Now, quit yer yammering and saddle up. We got us some rescuing to

do.

(Lights off on David, up on the MAIDS and ABIGAIL)

MAID 1: Abigail. Look over yonder! There’s David and his Desperados!

MAID 2: They are fixing to rescue us

ABIGAIL: (sighing) I knew David (MAID 5 holds up sigh sign) my hero would show up.

Hobble your lip so as the Amalekite Gang doesn’t get wind of it.

David and the Desperados pantomime “fighting” their way across the stage. WILLIN trips,

accidently hits RED EYE and ABEL has to hit him with his hat to get him to stop. David unties

Abigail, who throws her arms around him while RED EYE, WILLIN and ABEL untie the others.



ABIGAIL: (After being untied, throws her arms around David. MAID 4 holds up “Our hero”

sign) David! My hero!

DAVID: Aw, shucks, ma’am. It ain’t nothing when the Lord is on your side. God takes care of

us. He always has and he always will. (MAID 5 holds up “He always has and He always will”

sign)

RED EYE: Nothing’s missing: young or old, boy or girl. (WILLIN is hunting around for

something)

ABEL: Not a cotton picking picayune thing.

WILLIN: ‘ccepting my hat. (It is on his head. ABEL removes it, hits him upside the head with

it and hands it to him)

MAID 3: (waving a piece of paper) David, a message has just come in. Saul has been killed by

Phyllis Steen’s Gang.

RED EYE: I reckon that makes you the new law ‘round these parts. (RED EYE pins a big Star

of David badge on him. Everyone bows to David who takes his superhero pose, the rest clap and

get quiet although they pantomime congratulating him. MAID 3 comes center stage to deliver

the final line)

MAID 3: David became king and I wish I could say we all lived happily ever after but I can’t.

Miss Abigail took him for better or worse and sometimes it was better and sometimes it was

worse. But David was known as a man after God’s own heart. He wrote a whole passel of

poems. You can find ‘em in the Bible in a book called Psalms.

(Cast moves up with David and Abigail in the center to take a company bow)

PRODUCTION NOTES

Unless specified characters wear typical old west garb. To double as the Amalekite Gang,

characters don red bandanas over their faces like bank robbers. To double as Phyllis Steen’s

Gang, the men put paper crowns on their heads instead of hats and wear signs indicating which

king they are.

Owen Lots: Overalls and an undershirt

Nabal: Black dress attire, black moustache, black hat

Abigail: Calico dress. Apron in second scene. Hair down in scene 1 only.

David: White pants, shirt, vest, etc. White hat. Shiny Star of David badge in last scene.

Phyllis: Black pants, shirt, etc. (have under the calico dress). For a laugh have her carry scissors

in her holsters and at some point pull them out and twirl them like gunslingers did their guns.



Egyptian: Use an Egyptian head covering to indicate nationality.

PROPERTIES: Broom, map, canteen, 4 crowns, signs “Eglon”, “Ekron”, “Ashkelon”, “Gaza”,

bag for ephod, rope, gag for MAID 2

MAID 4 (has “Meanwhile, Back at the ranch”, “Proverbs 23: 29-35”, “Our Hero”, “He always

has and He always will” “Psalm 40” signs)

MAID 5 (has “Boo Hiss!”, “Meanwhile, Back at the Desperados”. “Several Days Later”,

“Proverbs 23: 29-35 “signs)

Online games

The Life of David jumbled words

http://www.quia.com/jw/281636.html

David the Warrior, David the Fugitive

http://www.quia.com/jg/1507643.html

David in the early years battleship

http://www.quia.com/ba/221878.html

David the King

http://www.quia.com/rr/394837.html

http://www.quia.com/jw/281636.html

http://www.quia.com/jg/1507643.html

http://www.quia.com/ba/221878.html

http://www.quia.com/rr/394837.html

Abigail the melodrama script

Spiritual

Transcript of Abigail the melodrama script