A12 Afterstorm,childneedshiscalming “The Single Father: A Dad’s Guide to Parenting Without a...
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FLASH! Hear Alec Baldwin’s regrettable voice mail to his daughter. NEWSDAY.COM/ ENTERTAINMENT BY PAT BURSON [email protected] When a parent loses it and pops off in anger at his child — as Alec Baldwin did during a re- corded rant at his 11-year-old daughter, Ireland — it can be hurtful and humiliating. The pain can multiply expo- nentially if, as in this case, his words go out across the world over the Internet. But, parenting and legal ex- perts said, if parents take ac- tion to correct their own behav- ior and do what is in their child’s best interest, the words may sting for a while but don’t have to leave a permanent scar. There’s no doubt that her fa- ther’s angry tirade “will affect her [Ireland’s] self-esteem and her self-worth and her feelings about herself,” said Joan D. At- wood, professor of marriage and family therapy at Hofstra University and co-founder of Peace Program, a statewide, court-based psychoeducational program that offers parent edu- cation and custody evaluation for couples going through di- vorce. (The recording of Bald- win’s voice mail, in which he berated his daughter for not tak- ing his scheduled call, was pub- lished Thursday by celebrity news site TMZ.com) “It would not be surprising if she didn’t want to go outside the house, not go to school, not interact with her peers,” At- wood said. When the dust settles, she said, it’s most important to get to the reasons why Baldwin’s daughter may not have been taking her father’s calls. “To turn the phone off, she’s getting messages from some place,” Atwood said. “An 11-year-old child, typically they would be wanting to speak to daddy and tell him what’s going on in her life. Somebody is giving her permission” to cut back on communication. When a divorce turns nasty, children often get caught in the middle. If a child hears one par- ent repeatedly speaking ill of the other parent, “then the child feels split in half,” she said. “They want to love the other parent, but they can’t be- cause if they love the other par- ent, then they’re hurting the one parent and not obeying the other parent.” When it reaches that point, the child and the parents should be in therapy, Atwood said. Ireland, in particular, “needs a supportive therapist who could be her advocate,” she added. “When you need to have a di- vorce, the couple relationship is dissolved, but the parents will parent forever,” she added. Baldwin — or any parent who snaps harshly at his or her child out of frustration — should admit his bad behavior to his child and apologize, At- wood said. “He should apologize to her and tell her he was angry and feeling very frustrated because he can’t reach her by phone or see her as often as he would like. He should tell her that he be- haved inappropriately. Hopeful- ly, she has enough positive expe- riences with him that will offset this negative experience.” The actor apologized for the incident in a statement on his Web site as reported by News- day yesterday. For the child’s sake, former spouses should work it out — either on their own or more for- mally through the courts — so that non-custodial parents have regular, scheduled access to their children, Atwood said. If you’re divorced, have chil- dren and don’t get along with your ex, you still need to ac- knowledge how important he or she is to your child, says Armin Brott, an author of sever- al books on fatherhood, includ- ing “The Single Father: A Dad’s Guide to Parenting Without a Partner”(Abbeville Press). “Your child sees herself as half mom and half dad. If dad is portrayed in the newspaper and everywhere else as a horri- ble beast, what does she think of herself?” he said. Anyone who has been in- volved with the court system could understand a parent erupting in anger after reach- ing Baldwin’s apparent level of frustration, said Sari M. Fried- man, a matrimonial and family law attorney in Garden City. Even so, “if his goal is to see the child and improve their re- lationship, that’s not going to help the situation,” she said. “Neither one [of the parents] can act in the best interest of the child if their anger toward each other is more important than the child,” Friedman said. “If people could love their chil- dren more than they hate their ex-spouse, then you wouldn’t have this problem.” After storm, child needs his calm AP PHOTO Alec Baldwin has apologized for his voice mail tirade. A12 NEWSDAY, SUNDAY, APRIL 22, 2007 www.newsday.com
Transcript of A12 Afterstorm,childneedshiscalming “The Single Father: A Dad’s Guide to Parenting Without a...
FLASH!
Hear Alec Baldwin’sregrettable voice mailto his daughter.
NEWSDAY.COM/ENTERTAINMENT
BY PAT [email protected]
When a parent loses it andpops off in anger at his child —as Alec Baldwin did during a re-corded rant at his 11-year-olddaughter, Ireland — it can behurtful and humiliating.The pain can multiply expo-nentially if, as in this case, hiswords go out across the worldover the Internet.But, parenting and legal ex-perts said, if parents take ac-tion to correct their own behav-ior and do what is in theirchild’s best interest, the wordsmay sting for a while but don’thave to leave a permanent scar.There’s no doubt that her fa-ther’s angry tirade “will affecther [Ireland’s] self-esteem andher self-worth and her feelingsabout herself,” said Joan D. At-wood, professor of marriageand family therapy at HofstraUniversity and co-founder ofPeace Program, a statewide,court-based psychoeducationalprogram that offers parent edu-cation and custody evaluationfor couples going through di-vorce. (The recording of Bald-win’s voice mail, in which heberated his daughter for not tak-
ing his scheduled call, was pub-lished Thursday by celebritynews site TMZ.com)“It would not be surprising ifshe didn’t want to go outsidethe house, not go to school, notinteract with her peers,” At-wood said.When the dust settles, shesaid, it’s most important to getto the reasons why Baldwin’sdaughter may not have beentaking her father’s calls.“To turn the phone off, she’sgetting messages from someplace,” Atwood said. “An11-year-old child, typically theywould be wanting to speak todaddy and tell him what’sgoing on in her life. Somebodyis giving her permission” to cutback on communication.When a divorce turns nasty,children often get caught in themiddle. If a child hears one par-ent repeatedly speaking ill ofthe other parent, “then thechild feels split in half,” shesaid. “They want to love theother parent, but they can’t be-cause if they love the other par-ent, then they’re hurting theone parent and not obeying theother parent.”When it reaches that point,the child and the parents
should be in therapy, Atwoodsaid. Ireland, in particular,“needs a supportive therapistwho could be her advocate,”she added.“When you need to have a di-vorce, the couple relationshipis dissolved, but the parentswill parent forever,” she added.Baldwin — or any parentwho snaps harshly at his or herchild out of frustration —should admit his bad behaviorto his child and apologize, At-wood said.“He should apologize to her
and tell her he was angry andfeeling very frustrated becausehe can’t reach her by phone orsee her as often as hewould like.He should tell her that he be-haved inappropriately. Hopeful-ly, she has enough positive expe-riences with him that will offsetthis negative experience.”The actor apologized for theincident in a statement on hisWeb site as reported by News-day yesterday.For the child’s sake, formerspouses should work it out —either on their own or more for-mally through the courts — sothat non-custodial parents haveregular, scheduled access totheir children, Atwood said.If you’re divorced, have chil-dren and don’t get along withyour ex, you still need to ac-knowledge how important heor she is to your child, saysArmin Brott, an author of sever-al books on fatherhood, includ-ing “The Single Father: A Dad’sGuide to Parenting Without aPartner”(Abbeville Press).“Your child sees herself ashalf mom and half dad. If dad isportrayed in the newspaperand everywhere else as a horri-ble beast, what does she thinkof herself?” he said.
Anyone who has been in-volved with the court systemcould understand a parenterupting in anger after reach-ing Baldwin’s apparent level offrustration, said Sari M. Fried-man, a matrimonial and familylaw attorney in Garden City.Even so, “if his goal is to seethe child and improve their re-lationship, that’s not going tohelp the situation,” she said.“Neither one [of the parents]can act in the best interest ofthe child if their anger towardeach other is more importantthan the child,” Friedman said.“If people could love their chil-dren more than they hate theirex-spouse, then you wouldn’thave this problem.”
After storm, child needs his calm
AP PHOTO
Alec Baldwin has apologizedfor his voice mail tirade.
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