RESOLVING CONFLICT

Cookies and Offense in an Airport

A woman returning home from overseas, had an extended layover in an airport in Europe. To help pass the time, she bought a carton of milk, a package of cookies, and a newspaper. With her arms full she made her way to a waiting area where there was a small table with seats on either side. A few minutes later as she was reading the paper, she heard the rustling of the cellophane wrapper on the box of cookies. Peeking over her paper, she was stunned to see a young man helping himself to a cookie. Not wanting to confront him directly, she gave him a dirty look and reached over pointedly and grabbed a cookie for herself. The man just smiled.

A moment or two later, she heard more rustling of paper and watched the man take another cookie. She glared back at the man and angrily grabbed another cookie for herself. And so it continued until there was only one cookie left in the package. She was irate but still did not have the nerve to say anything. Suddenly the man looked at her, smiled, took the last cookie, broke it in half, and handed half to her. Absolutely infuriated, the woman got up and stomped off. About an hour later, when the public address system called for her flight, she opened her purse to get her ticket. And there, much to her surprise and embarrassment, was the package of cookies she had purchased earlier!

There are creative ways in overcoming

challenges!

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The Critical Eye:

The time of courtship is such a fun time. We have high expectations, and we view each other with eyes of love and gentleness. We are very attentive to and aware of each other’s needs. Our manner of speaking is respectful and kind. Our awareness is expressed in our gratitude for even small things. It is as though our natural instincts inspire us to put our best foot forward because we have found our desired mate.

This usually continues during the first year of marriage. It seems for most of us, that we can hardly be pried apart during this time. We want to be holding on to or touching each other all the time. Sometime during the first year, however, our vision of our mate seems to change.

“During courtship we should keep our eyes wide open, but after marriage keep them half-shut” (David O. McKay, C.R. April, 1956, 9).

Unfortunately, when we start noticing some little things in our spouse that could stand improvement, our improvement, suggestions begin. It’s funny that once we begin to look, the list grows. If our mate does not respond right away, then the suggestions become a little more adamant. We view each other with a more critical eye, and the cycle begins. Our mate begins to dislike the critical eye and begins to respond in a like manner. After all, isn’t it all right to help your mate with the task of improving, particularly when he or she is so willing to “help” you? Our conversations seem to be dominated by criticism. The one being criticized starts to defend and justify what he or she does. The conversations become more and more spirited and erupt into full-blown arguments that go nowhere.

Some have said, “There’s no such thing as ‘constructive criticism.’ Being critical all of the time is just plain being negative. Happy couples look for and build on the positive.” It’s true that criticism in marriage is rarely constructive. You need to notice the good in your companion and cease focusing on the bad.

Happiness becomes a conscious choice, and we each choose how we will feel about the things that go on around us.

To feel of worth in the eyes of the most important person in your life gives meaning and added zest to everything you do.

We all need a mate who loves and respect us, in spite of our weaknesses---someone who recognizes our strengths.

We often become what others believe we are.

Conflict in Marriage

Rank the following:

___ Time spent together___ Religion___ Affection___ Husband’s friends___ Wife’s friends___ Husband’s family___ Wife’s family___ Money___ Wife’s job___ Husband’s job___ Household tasks___ Sex___ Social Activities___ Children

Most Common Areas of Conflict from Engagement through the first Five Years of Marriage:

Topic Engagement 6 months 1 year 5 years Overall

Husband’s job 1 4 6 6 3Wife’s job 8 6 10 10 10Household tasks 3 1 1 1 1Money 6 2 3 6 4Husband’s family 11 10 7 6 9Wife’s family 5 9 4 6 5Husband’s friends 7 6 12 11 11Wife’s friends 10 12 13 12 12Affection 8 5 7 4 6Children 12 13 11 12 13Religion 14 14 14 14 14Social Activities 3 11 4 9 7Time Spent togeth. 1 3 2 1 2Sex 13 8 9 3 8

Top Ten Areas of Conflict in Marriage:

1. Values (Money; Goals; Lifestyle; Roles)2. Personality3. Insufficient Time Together4. Parents or In-Laws5. Power (Control; Independence)6. Background (Different Interests; Religiosity; Education7. Communication8. Sex9. Differences in Commitment10. Friends

When Jesus visited the Nephites he commanded them saying:

“There shall be no disputations among you… He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contentions, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Nephi 11:22, 29-30).

D&C 28:11 One on one!

Joseph Smith, Oliver Cowdery, Hiram Page and the seer stone.

Mosiah 4:14-15 Serve the devil?

What should I do if someone with a contentious spirit tries to start something?

The Savior taught “And unto him who smiteth thee on the cheek, offer also the other; or in other words, it is better to offer the other (cheek), than to revile again. And him who taketh away thy cloak, forbid not to take thy coat also. For it is better that thou shalt suffer thine enemy to take these things, than to contend with him” (3Nephi 12:39-40).

Else where the Savior taught “If men will smite you, or your families and ye bear it patiently and revile not against them, neither seek revenge, ye shall be rewarded. But if ye bear it not patiently, it shall be accounted unto you as being meted out as a just measure unto you” (D&C 98:23-24).

That’s hard doctrine, isn’t it?

When we react, we allow the other person to take control. When we act, we are in control.

Joseph Smith and the Twelve Apostles:

During the meeting, the Prophet rebuked Brigham Young from head to toe in front of the others, accusing him of something he had not done. When Joseph had finished his rebuke, the other brethren sat silently awaiting Brigham Young’s response. Brigham Young rose to his feet. He was a strong man. He could have reacted and said: “Now, look here, haven’t you read how you’re not supposed to rebuke in public, but only in private?” Or, “Brother Joseph, doesn’t it say something in the revelations about persuasion, and long-suffering, and gentleness and meekness?” Or “Joseph, you are dead wrong, I would never do that.”

But Brigham Young did not react in any of those ways. He acted and said simply, “Joseph, what do you want me to do?” Joseph burst into tears, approached Brigham Young, threw his arms around him and said, “Brother Brigham, you passed [the test]” (Truman Madsen, Joseph Smith the Prophet, 88).

So Why Does Conflict Arise in Relationships?

First, Individual Differences:

Biological (male/female differences)

Environmental (family-of-origin differences – how we were raised; community differences –where we were raised).

Determine what is right, not who is right.

Elder B. H. Roberts taught: “In essentials, let there be unity; in non-essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity!” (CR, Oct. 1912, 30).

Unsettled essential differences lead to disagreements.

Disagreements escalate into conflict. Conflict causes anger. And anger leads to divorce.

Elder Richard G. Scott said: “In the Lord’s plan, it takes two, a man and a woman, to form a whole. A husband and wife are not two identical halves, but form a divinely determined combination of complementary capacities and characteristics”(Ensign, Nov. 1996, 73).

Second, Unrealistic or Un-communicated Expectations:

Many individuals believe that the right person is the one who will fulfill all needs.

That is an unrealistic expectation that leads to disappointment and conflict.

We have spiritual needs that can only be satisfied through our individual relationship with our Heavenly Father.

Our social needs will not be fully satisfied by our spouse.

It would be unrealistic to expect that a spouse will meet more than 80 percent of one’s needs.

You have a choice. You can choose to be grateful and express appreciation for the 80 percent or you can choose to feel frustrated, disappointed, and angry over the 20 percent.

What to do if conflict arises because of unrealistic or un-communicated expectations:

First, “own” your own expectations.

Take responsibility for them. If they are unrealistic be willing to change them.

Second, don’t expect your spouse to “just know” or to read your mind.

Third, the better you know someone, the better you are able to determine what is realistic and what is not.

Know the person as the Lord knows them.

In marriage, the wife may expect the husband to be a handyman around the house, capable of fixing anything, or responsible for all of the outdoor responsibilities such as mowing the lawn and maintaining the cars, because that’s the way it was in her growing up. She can’t understand why her husband hasn’t fixed the leaky faucet in the bathroom yet. They reason may be that the husband, who has trouble fixing his hair, has not even noticed the leaky faucet or if he has, has no idea how to fix it.

The husband may expect his wife to be a gourmet cook, an expert housekeeper, and to maintain her slim figure throughout their marriage. He can’t understand why the meals they eat are not like the ones Mom cooked or why the house isn’t spotless like the one he grew up in. He can’t understand why his wife can’t make a bowl of cereal without a recipe or why the only thing she can “cook” is something that can be warmed up in the microwave.

The truth is, his mother didn’t cook or clean much better when she was first married.

The husband is comparing his new bride to a mother who has had many years of practice.

Kid writes the best letter from camp EVER!Read his epic letter to momBy Liesl Testwuide

Last year, my eight year-old son went to summer camp. It was the first time he had been away from home for more than a night. An hour after I dropped him off, I missed him. By the time I went to bed, I found myself wandering into his bedroom, just to feel close to him.

As the days passed, I wrote to him daily. Each hour dragged as I’d wait for the mailman, hoping for just one letter from him. By that point I missed him so much, I began to imagine what he might write.

I fantasized I would receive a letter something like this:

Dear Mom,

Thank you so much for letting me go to camp. I have learned so many cool things, like how to take a fish off the hook, tie sailing knots, and how to groom a horse. Thanks for packing sun screen. I’ve been out on the lake a lot, so it’s really come in handy. You think of everything! I’ve been drinking tons of water since it’s so hot. See? I do listen to all your good advice.

The other boys in my cabin are really smart and nice. I’m making lifelong friends I will cherish forever. We’ve had fun learning camp songs, playing cards, and catching frogs in our free time. During quiet time, I read the book you sent along. What a great selection!

Like you suggested, I’m trying a lot of new foods. You were right, the oatmeal at breakfast isn’t bad if I add raisins. And don’t worry, Mom, I’m using all the manners you’ve taught me over the years.

We’re camping under the stars tonight. I hope to see fireflies.

I love you, WP.S. Tell my brothers I miss them!

Third: Personal Sin…

“Whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of [the] judgment [of God]” (3 Nephi 12:22-24).

“I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (D&C 64: 9-10).

Elder Boyd K. Packer told the following story:

“I went home teaching years ago to an elderly little woman… She was a shut-in. I was not married at the time… and one evening she said she wanted to give me some counsel. She told me the story of her life – marriage in the temple to a wonderful elder, living together and beginning a family, a call to open the mission field in one of the continents of the world, a happy mission, return [home] and entering into life’s pursuits. Then she focused in on a Monday morning. A dreary washday, gray and cloudy, outside and in; cross children; little irritations; a poor meal; and finally an innocent remark by one, snapped up by the other, and soon husband and wife were speaking crossly and critically to one another.

“As he left for work,” she said, “I just had to follow him to the gate and call that one, last biting, spiteful remark after him.” And then as the tears came, she told me of an accident that day, and of his not returning from work. “For fifty years,” she sobbed, “I have regretted that the last thing he ever heard from my lips was that biting, spiteful remark.”

Elder Packer counseled: “Never speak a cross word– not one. It is neither necessary nor desirable.”

There are many who teach that it is normal and expected for domestic difficulty and bickering and strife to be a part of that marriage relationship. That is false doctrine. It is neither necessary nor desirable. I know that it is possible to live together in love with never the first cross word ever passing between you (The Things of the Soul, 1996).

Jesus said:

“Whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment.”

3 Nephi 12:22-24 deletes “without a cause” suggesting that it is a sin when we do get angry.

It was not included in the Septuagint (the Greek translation of the Bible) either.

It appears to be added to the King James Version because of what England was doing to those who were rebelling against the Church of England.

What To Do If Conflict Arises Because Of Personal Sin?

“One morning when [Joseph] was getting ready to continue the translation, something went wrong about the house and he was [upset] about it. Something that Emma his wife, had done. Oliver and I went upstairs and Joseph came up soon after to continue the translation, but he could do nothing. He could not translate a single syllable. He went downstairs, out into the orchard, and made supplication to the Lord; was gone about an hour – came back to the house, and asked Emma’s forgiveness and then came upstairs where we were, and then the translation went on all right. He could do nothing [until] he was humble [and repentant]” (The Saints Herald, 1 March 1882).

What do you do if the conflict arises because of the sins of another?

Joseph Smith said:

“Nothing is so much calculated to lead people to forsake sin as to take them by the hand, and watch over them with tenderness. When persons manifest the least kindness and love to me, O what power it has over my mind, while the opposite course has a tendency to harrow up all the harsh feelings and depress the human mind” (Teachings, 240).

Principle of Soft Response:

Joseph Smith said: “A wise man keeps a still tongue… It is far better, many times… to forget all [you] know, than to tell all [you] know. And better still to forget than to tell some great things which [you] do not know” (HC 7:413).

President Gordon B. Hinckley said: “All of us have far too much to do to waste our time and energies in criticism, faultfinding, or the abuse of others” (Ensign Nov. 1981, 6).

President James E. Faust said: “Some want to justify their criticism by claiming, ‘But it is the truth.’ My answer is, ‘How can you be so sure?’ The Apostle Paul reminded us that the misuse of the truth changes it into a lie (Rom. 1:18-25) (Ensign, Nov. 1985, 9).

Principle of the Proper Motive:

Matthew 18:15-17

We are not justified in saying, “Well, he started it,” or “he’s the one who hurt me. He should be the one who apologizes.”

The Lord said, “You take the initiative to make peace.”

Our motive should always be “to gain our brother.”

“The Principle of Prayer”

President Hinckley said:

“I know of no single practice that will have a (greater) effect upon your lives than the practice of kneeling together as you begin and close each day. Somehow the little storms that seem to afflict every marriage are dissipated when, kneeling before the Lord, you thank him for one another, in the presence of one another, and then together invoke his blessings upon your lives, your home, your loved ones, and your dreams…God will then be your partner, and your daily conversations with him will bring peace into your hearts and a joy into your lives that can come from no other source. Your companionship will sweeten through the years; your love will strengthen. Your appreciation for one another will grow…The destroying angel of domestic bitterness will pass you by and you will know peace and love throughout your lives” (Ensign, June 1971, 72-73).

The Principle of the Golden Rule

President N. Eldon Tanner taught,

“Now if we could just learn to live the Golden Rule and let compassion and the kind of love which our Savior spoke control our actions, we would automatically obey all the other commandments. We would not steal, or kill, or bear false witness, or commit adultery, or covet. We would honor our parents, keep the Sabbath day holy, and show proper reverence for the name of the Lord” (Ensign, Nov. 1977, 44).

Elder David B. Haight once noted that “we have committed the Golden Rule to memory. Now we must commit it to life” (Ensign, Nov. 1987, 15).

Healthy Relationships are Built on Trust

In his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey compared trust to a bank account. He said that we make deposits into the bank account of another through courtesy, kindness, honesty, apologizing, expressing appreciation, and keeping our commitments to them. If I make regular deposits, I build up a reserve and trust increases. We feel safe with each other. We can talk about most anything. But, withdrawals from that bank account occur when there is unkindness, blaming, criticism, the breaking of confidences or commitments, talking about others behind their backs, and through conflict.

What happens if we continue to make withdrawals without making any deposits?

Eventually the relationship will be bankrupt! We are not likely to be successful in resolving conflict until the reserve is replenished.

A Final Thought:DON’T BE SO QUICK TO TAKE OFFENSE!

Many of us, frankly, are overly sensitive. We get offended if someone looks at us wrong. The natural man is easily offended. Being easily provoked is an evidence of the absence of the Spirit. Brigham Young said: “He who takes offense when no offense was intended is a fool, and he who take offense when offense was intended is usually a fool” (Quoted by Marion D. Hanks, Ensign Jan. 1974, 21).