A special eBook Secrets of the Nanny Whisperer · As I outline in my book, Secrets of the Nanny...

A special eBook

Secrets of the Nanny Whisperer

How to Interview a Nanny Like a Therapist

By Tammy Gold, LCSW, MSW, LSW, CEC

www.tammygold.com

© 2017 Tammy Gold 275 W96th Street 12A, New York NY 10025 | www.tammygold.com | (646) 389-2781

I can’t stress the following enough: The nanny world is the Wild, Wild West where one plus one doesn’t always equal two. Accordingly, interviews also fall into this non-rational logic. Nannies are not like other professionals whose interviews are typically a strong predictor of how they will fair in their profession. In fact, my view is that how a nanny answers your interview questions has very little predictive value for how well they will care for your children. SO…what should you do? As I outline in my book, Secrets of the Nanny Whisperer – a Practical Guide for Finding and Achieving the Gold Standard of Care, the real goal of a Gold Standard Interview is to:

1. Ask Questions – fill in your bio-psycho-social analysis and fill in the “complete puzzle” of “who is this stranger?”

2. Observe - assess what seems normal and what seems off In my training at Columbia University, they taught us that when meeting a client, our job as therapists is to gather information two ways: by asking questions, and by observing. Interviewing a nanny is no different – hence why I (a therapist) do this! A therapist’s Mental Status Exam (MSE) examines a person’s appearance, activity level, speech/language, attitude, mood/affect, stream of consciousness, and thought content. Now, to be clear, I’m not advocating that everyone go out and get graduate degrees in Social Work or Clinical Psychology to properly understand the MSE, but but learning the basics of the MSE will allow you to do a great Gold Standard interview. Asking nannies questions and observing them (through your own questions, your own observations during a trial, and by asking the right questions of their references) will help fill in the “nanny puzzle.” Think of it like a game of hangman – we need to ultimately find out whom they are as a whole and if that whole matches our needs. So what should you be looking for when you interview a nanny? I suggest the following: Her Appearance:

Is the person dressed appropriately for an interview? Does she have long nails or poor hygiene? Is she wearing a reveling outfit that would make you question her judgment?

o Her attire does not need to be anything other than appropriate. It’s important to note that nannies strive for comfort (vs. fashion) when caring for children all day.

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Red Flags: Attire that shows poor judgment Unkempt hair Other elements of her appearance that show poor self-care like rotting teeth,

or wounds that have not been treated What to Say and How to Handle It:

If you really like the candidate you should honestly reveal your concerns and see how they react. For example, “Emily we really liked meeting you today, you seem terrific and your reference was glowing but your shirt is so open and skirt is so short, I fear it may distracting for my boys. Can you tell me about your thoughts on dressing for work? What is your typical professional wardrobe?”

Then: She may say “I am so sorry. I am running to a concert from here and did not

want to lose anytime during our meeting so I dressed for the concert ahead of time. I am sorry. I guess I should have thrown a sweater on over this.” Or, she might say “I am a wonderful nanny, I wear tight clothes, I have tattoos and piercings, but I love children more than anything on earth and devote every second to making them happy, keeping them safe and teaching them. I do not believe my attire should play a part in how I care for children.”

Activity Level

Nannies are nervous and their “true self” (what us therapists call “baseline personality” is not there – they may be so nervous that they are excessively hyper, or they might even be scared and entirely immobile. In my view, you just want to look out for how quickly they get up, sit down, and move around if they are caring for young active kids. But I’d caution you to remember that a trial will allow for better review of this than any interview could.

Red Flags:

Restless leg, jerky movements, twitching of her body or face, poor coordination which could result from alcohol or drugs, slowed movement or rigid movements. Think about how this activity level would affect your ability to perform your job.

What to Do and What to Say: If you notice that her foot is shaking tremendously or if she has problems

getting up from her chair, simply ask if there is an issue. “Your foot is shaking so much, Ester. Are we doing something to make you nervous? How can we help you to calm down?” The answer will be telling. Does she immediately relax and connect or does she seem more anxious and perhaps this could be a medical condition?

Here’s what you can say if she has difficulty getting up from her chair, “Wanda, we adored meeting you today, but Charlie is heavy and moves around a lot. I noticed you struggled with getting up in the chair. Are you in physical shape to handle a toddler now?” She may say “yes I just threw my



back out helping my son move” (remember, you’d be able to test this thesis out during a trial and if her movement improved then she was telling truth). On the other hand, if she said “oh no, nothing is wrong” then perhaps she is not being honest or open to the situation of her own health.

Speech/Language:

What you are looking for is clarity of their speech and how well a candidate can communicate. Do they have a vocabulary you can converse with on a basic childcare level, are they talking too fast, too slow, or mumbling? Are they slow to answer? Do they answer too loudly or softly? Red flags:

If their volume is too loud (which they don’t correct) If she doesn’t understand your vocabulary If she has slurred or rapid speech.

What to do or say if there is a problem: If you have any problems during the interview, simply explain “I am having

trouble understanding…could you explain again please?” See if it’s just nerves that they shake off or if it’s a situation where there is a clear language barrier.

Attitude:

How is the nanny during the interview? You want someone who may be nervous but can make some eye contact, and who seems pleasant, friendly, cooperative to questioning, and comfortable to converse. Red Flags:

If she is defiant, defensive, hostile, or angry. What to do or say if there is a problem:

You can ask, “You seem uncomfortable. Have we said or done anything to make you upset?” See if they correct their behaviors. If not, than wish her goodbye! Nannies should be full of love…especially when speaking about the children they used to care for. Anyone who seems outright nasty, unfriendly, or rude should either explain herself, or exit promptly. There are many professions where attitude does not matter. You can work in a solitary job away from people and be as mean or unfriendly as you want, but a nanny job is not one of them!

Affect and Mood: Mood is typically how someone says they are feeling. Where affect is how others

observe that person is feeling. For example, if a person has a “flat affect” it is usually means that they have no smile and make no eye contact. Referencing Attachment Theory and Psychology, it is crucial that caregivers have a positive affect, since a child’s brain needs warm, loving, positive people for productive emotional development - this is my NUMBER ONE item that I look for when interviewing nannies – positive affect.



Remember thought, that in the interview they may have calm or muted affect but in your trial, they must come alive and have huge, happy, and positive affects with children.

Red Flags: The candidate seems bored or tired. Her affect does not properly match the

emotion (for example, she’s telling a very upsetting story about a child in their care yet she lacks any emotion at all while speaking.)

What to do or say if this happens: If you notice that she seems very bland, flat, or slow in her affect, explain your

concern right there and see if she understands and changes for the balance of the interview. You might say, “I am looking for someone who has a lot of personality! I have an infant, and I know the baby needs to see big warm expressions, lots of smiling, and someone who seems very happy to be caring for them. Today though, you seem a bit quiet and I am sure it is probably that interviews may be uncomfortable, but with children do you think you convey the type of traits I am looking for? How are you with children?” The nanny may say, “I am so sorry. I am very nervous with adults, but I feel so comfortable and so happy with children.”

Thought Process:

Did the nanny’s thoughts and content make sense? When you asked her a simple question did she answer with something else that did not match your original question? Did she start telling you story about a child she cared for in New Jersey and then shift totally off-topic to ramble on about something else? Was she able to converse and have solid and clear thought processes and content that matched your conversation?

Red Flags: Did she answer one question with an answer made for another question? Did

she start to answer questions only to then diverge off topic several times so that the initial question was now lost?

What to do and say if this happens: Immediately stop and say, “I don’t know if you’re nervous, or perhaps I spoke to

quickly, but you could tell me the answer again to this question? You might alternatively say, “I don’t mean to interrupt, but could you just go back and explain again about the infant you cared for in New Jersey? We got off topic a bit and I would love to hear about that family.”

OK….so now you know to observe and ask thorough questions. But there is some preparation that goes into this….here are two things you should tell the nanny candidate ahead of the interview:

1. Tell her to bring her reference information, working status papers and driver’s license along with her so that you can verify this information during her interview.



You can take a photo of the front or back with your phone OR make a photocopy of the information so you can use for a background check if needed

2. Inform the nanny prior to your interview that you are going to conduct interviews first and then do paid trials. Tell the nanny that the trial will be for her to see what you need in a nanny and for you to observe her and her professionalism and also for her to see if the family is a match for her. This is a win/win for both sides.

Some additional interview tips to understand before your actual interview:

NANNIES’ STRONG SUITS ARE IN INTERACTING WITH CHILDREN, NOT ALWAYS IN INTERVIEWING WITH ADULTS: Due to cultural barriers, language barriers, age differences or concerns about respect, nannies typically do not present their baseline personality during an interview. Sometimes the nannies are not as polished, well-spoken or as professional as the parents; however, this does not necessarily reflect how they will be as a nanny. When we place nannies, we know that the interviews do not allow a true “picture of the nanny,” so we require in-person trials with the top candidates to more extensively assess their personal and professional capabilities.

FOCUS THE INTERVIEW ON YOUR JOB: Spend your interview time with the nanny talking about your family’s personality or asking the nanny about her family, her interests and the other families she has worked with that are similar to your family. This will help the nanny to calm down and feel comfortable.

REMEMBER, NO ONE IS PERFECT: Just like we are not perfect, there will be pros and cons to each nanny. It is important to keep in mind that you may not be getting a true picture of the candidate’s personality since nannies can (and will) struggle during the interview, trial, and transition periods while getting to know your family.

RELAX AND JUST FOCUS ON THE PERSONAL CHEMISTRY: There is NO way to assess if you have “found the perfect caregiver for your child” during this meeting. Do not try to push yourself to feel one way or another as this will only cloud the process. Studies show that people do not think as clearly when under pressure, so try to remove the pressure during this time. Use the interview to simply assess if you would like to proceed to a trial phase and meet this candidate again at another time for a longer assessment.

IF YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE, END THE INTERVIEW: There is no set time of how

long an interview needs to last. If at any point during the interview, you know this is not the right candidate or you feel uncomfortable, (for example if the nanny is rude or says something that offends you), end the interview. You can tell the candidate, “Thank you for your time. We will be in touch with you if we decide we would like to move to the



next step with you.” There is no rule that says you must have a complete interview with any candidate.

RELAXED LOCATION: Try to keep the interview as relaxing and informal as possible for all parties. If meeting in your home will be stressful, arrange for the interviews to take place at your office or even at a local coffee shop.

ADULTS ONLY: You do not need your children present during the interviews. The interview is really for you and the nanny to speak and connect. The children can be introduced to the nanny either at the end of the interview or at the trial. The children will only distract the nanny from your questions.

SPREAD THE CALM: the nanny will mirror your behavior. So, if you open the door with a relaxed, friendly smile, the nanny will follow suit. If you are uptight and jittery, the nanny will feel it too.

Some tips for how to organize your interview: A template

Tell Your Story & Then Ask Your Questions: o Be as open, honest, detailed and clear as possible about every aspect of your job,

what you want and what you do not want. Talk about what has worked with old nannies, what has not worked and what you envision for the ideal working relationship. Tell her you want HER to be honest as well. She will not get in trouble…everyone has things they like or dislike and all details will be helpful to you as she speaks.

o Script example: “Barbara, I know you have heard about our job from Tammy and her

team, but we want to answer any questions you may have. We will also tell you a little about what has worked well with our past nannies and what has not worked. Then we will tell you what kind of partnership we hope to have with our next nanny. Also, we really want you to answer honestly and openly and we will respect your views. Hearing what you like and what you do not like when working with families will really help us better understand you.

Ask Her To Match Your Story: o The most important information you want to hear is how this nanny can match your

needs. Although it is wonderful and helpful to hear about her prior jobs, what you need to focus on are her experiences that most match yours.

o Script example: “Barbara, now that we have told you all about our job and what we

would like, can you tell us about the experiences you have had that are similar to ours?



For example, tell us about when you have worked with a working mother, who had a toddler and an infant? ”

Free Conversation: o Now that the important items have been discussed, feel free to spend the rest of

your time as you please. There is no “time limit or length” for the interviews. Some of our parents end the interviews after 20 minutes feeling they have heard enough to warrant a trial. Other parents take a much longer time in the interview to introduce the children and show the nanny around their home.

In sum, interviews are a chance for you to gather information and relate to the candidates on a personal level. But they’re not necessarily an indicator of how they will be as a nanny. The following page starts our sample interview questions.



Sample Interview Questions Use the interview questions below as an outline to create a set of questions that match your family’s needs.

1. Reconfirm the candidate meets the requirements of the job

o For example: “Just to confirm Barbara, you can work Monday – Friday from 7:00am – 7:00pm and you have the flexibility to stay late one night a week, correct?

2. Explain certain other elements that you’d consider important o For example: “I had a drug test for my recent job. We decided we would like to also do

this with our nanny. If we pay for it would you undergo a drug test?” 3. Talk to the nanny about the hardest piece of the job

o For example: “It can be very difficult on days when our 3-month old is not feeling good and is crying. Usually that is the day that our 2-year old wants more attention – probably because he is watching the baby get more attention. How would you handle a day like this?”

4. Think outside the box and ask questions then have the nanny give specific examples. o For example: “Yesterday, my oldest child was playing with a toy but it was time to go to

school. He refused to put the toy down and put his shoes on. Can you tell me how you would have handled this situation?” (Remember they may have their own views or views from previous employers).

o Another example: “How would you handle my baby if he would not stop crying? 5. If you have specific qualifications or abilities that you are looking for in a candidate,

make sure to include questions around those items as well. o For example, ask the candidate if she has any experience with handling dogs (if this part

of the job) or ask the candidate if she has any experience with potty training. o If you are looking for a nanny to prepare vegan meals for your children, ask her to tell

you about how she would handle this. For example: “My baby nurse sometimes had issues with being late and once I

return to work, our nanny cannot be late. Have you ever been late on a job or had any problems with punctuality? If you were going to be late, how would you handle it?”

Another example: “We need a nanny who can travel with us about 4 times a year. Can you tell me about any travel you have done in the past with a family?”

6. Explain clearly to the candidate what you are looking for and ask her to talk directly to her experience around those things.

o For example: “I am looking for someone that can send texts to me while I am at work and someone that will take good notes during the day so that I have good information related to what my kids are doing during the day. Can you talk to me about experiences that you have working with a family where you did things similar to this?”

o Another example: “We have a 4 year old just starting school and we would love to have a nanny that would do educational activities with him. Tell us about some of the activities you would do with a 4 year old?”

1. Another example: “We have a pool and need a nanny that can swim with our kids. Can you tell me about a time that you worked with another family that had a pool?”

2. Another example: “We eat very pretty healthy around here and want our nanny to continue feeding our kids this way when we are not around. Please give an example of a snack that you would give a 3-year old that you’d consider to be healthy.”



3. Another example: “We would really like to get my baby on a good sleep schedule. Did you have experience in your old jobs helping to get babies on a good sleep schedule? If yes, what did you do to help the mom out with this?”

4. Another example: “I am a first time mom and I want a nanny who can provide some suggestions and guidance around sleeping training, potty training, solid foods introduction (and other developmental areas). Do you have any experience with this?”

5. Another example: “Can you tell me how you used to communicate this type of information with your other moms? Did they seem to want your advice or you to follow their plan? What works best for you?”

6. Another example: “I am a busy working mom and I really need a proactive nanny. How did you handle maintaining the supplies with your old families? Would you be comfortable helping me manage these items?”

Here are some generic interview questions. Note: You do not have to use all of these questions and each of them can be modified to fit your situation. It would be helpful to at least pick one question from each subheading. Sample Personal Questions: Specifically ask about her life until now

Everyone has a special story take makes them unique can you fill me in on your history personally and professionally for example “My name is Mary. I was born in Ontario Canada. I lived with my parents and two sisters. I went to college there I studied economics. I moved to America in 1990 and I went to work at a bank. I met my husband Charles, and we got married in 1993 and had 2 little girls. I went to work at a different bank and we moved into this house in 2010 and now I balance part time work with running after these two little ladies!” That’s my quick story. Can you share yours?” This will guide the nanny and help her understand what you are looking for.

What you want to get from her: 1. Where was she born and her family information? 2. Where and when she went to school and until what level? 3. What did she study? 4. Did she get married and have kids? 5. What jobs did she hold prior to being a nanny? 6. What made her want to me a nanny? 7. What is the best part of being a nanny? 8. What does she find is the hardest part of being a nanny? 9. What is she looking for in a new family? What is most important for her and why? 10. What does she do on your off time? 11. Does she like to cook? What does she usually cook for families or herself? 12. Does she have any hobbies? 13. What are her future goals? 14. What areas does she think she is the best at as a nanny? 15. Are there any areas she wishes to improve upon as a nanny?



Sample Childcare Situation Questions: (Pick the ones that pertain to your child’s age) I am not a huge fan of throwing a daunting list of developmental questions at nannies because it has nothing to do with how well they care for kids. A person could ace questions on SIDS and another nanny could have no idea what SIDS is but always puts babies to sleep on their backs, with no blankets, and with no toys in the cribs – so does she or doesn’t she know about SIDS? REMEMBER: YOU will be training your nanny and giving her all of your rules and directions regarding how you want her to care for your child. If she does not know SIDS or Shaken Baby Syndrome by their formal names, but in her gut knows how to care for children and will follow your directions and learn what these items are on the job, then that is just as good. Here are some questions I like to ask: 1. What is your favorite age to work with? Why? 2. What is the most difficult age to work with? Why? 3. Do you prefer working with girls or boys? 4. Do you think you can spoil a child with love or affection?

Infant-related questions: 1. What do you do when babies cry? How do you soothe them? 2. IF you were changing my baby and my toddler screamed in other room what would you do? 3. Do you know how to make baby food? If yes, give an example of some kind of baby food you

have prepared. 4. What do you like to do with Infants? Do you believe in schedules? 5. Do you have an opinion on bottle vs breast feeding? Look out for any strong thoughts which

might not match your philosophy. Toddler-related questions 1. What do you believe is the most important thing to do when working with toddlers? 2. Can you tell me about some things you do with toddlers and how you have had to teach them

lessons or discipline them 3. How do you handle toddlers when they are upset and do not want to go to school or leave the

house? 4. How do you handle big meltdowns in public? 5. What activities do you usually like to do with toddlers? 6. What do you do when two toddlers want the same toy and fight over it? 7. Toddlers require a lot of physical energy and mental patience. Do you believe you have these

characteristics? Why?

Preschool/School-aged questions 1. How have you handled dropping kids off at school when they do not want to leave you? 2. How do you handle kids who wake from naps with nightmares? 3. Do you feel comfortable talking to teachers, taking kids to activities, going on playdates, and

interacting with other nannies and moms? 4. Tell me what part you think television and/or computers should play in a normal day with

children.



5. Our son is a very picky eater. If you were to make lunch for him and then he told you that he didn’t want it, what would you do?

6. If my second grader came home from school really sad from some mean girls at school what would you do? (Again this is something the family should dictate but perhaps she has a loving and proactive idea)

7. Have you helped with homework before? 8. Are you comfortable managing school items if I were to travel? 9. My boys want to do sports every second of their spare time how would you handle this? 10. Can you tell me some stories about how you worked with children in elementary school and

some of the issues they had and how you helped them? Teens-related questions 1. What examples do you have of working with teens through difficult issues? 2. When my husband and I travel you will be alone with my daughter. How will you handle her

breaking curfew? What about lying? 3. What would you do if my 10th grader came home and he was harmed in a fight? 4. How are you with strong-willed teens who can sometimes have meltdowns like toddlers do? 5. How would you handle my son wanting a girl to come into his room if we were not there? 6. How would you handle my daughter wanting to drive if she seemed as if she had been drinking? 7. Sometimes our oldest child does not want to do her homework. What would you do or say to

her about this? Sample Childcare Safety Questions 1. Can you give an example of a time you had handle a medical problem with a child? 2. Do you feel you are fully prepared for most safety-related issues? Would it be OK if I sent you to

a first aid class prior to starting our job? 3. What do you think the best way to keep kids safe? Sample Job/Family Questions 1. Can you tell me what you did with the (ASK ABOUT EACH FAMILY) family from the minute you

woke up until your day ended? 2. What was the best aspect of this job? Why? 3. What was the most difficult part? How did you handle that? 4. Were there any short jobs you did not tell me about where you quit suddenly or were let go

suddenly. What happened? 5. What type of family did you work the best with? Which families did you have problems with

and why? 6. Have you ever been fired from a past child care position or any job? Why? Educational Background Questions 1. What was your area of study here or at home?

o You want to hear something pertaining to childcare. If you don’t, then ask, “How did you get from [fill-in the course of study] to childcare?

o LISTEN CAREFULLY: it’s ok if she says “Well in my home country I was an accountant, but here I was able to get nanny job. LISTEN FOR: statements such as “I am still taking accounting courses, or I am still trying to get back into that field.” If you hear this ask her the key question: “When?”



2. Do you have any other areas of education or training? Classes or certificates? The Big Stuff Questions: 1. If we were to continue, we would do a full background check on you. Is this something you are

ok with? Will we find anything in that background check? 2. If there is anything you would like to tell me so I may better understand you, feel free to tell me

now. 3. I know these are touchy subjects and if you were not working so close with our children I would

not ask them, but I would like to know all about you if you ever suffered from depression or took medication, were you ever under the care of a psychological or doctor for a medical reason?

4. A lot of nannies privately struggle and sometimes that can be too difficult to handle. Is there anything currently going on in your life that is causing you a lot of stress or anxiety?

5. If a company has less than 15 people these touchy subjects can be asked. A nanny may reveal in the beginning or may do so over time so continue to ask these questions as you go through the process with her.

Remember GOOD nannies are interviewing you just as equally as you are interviewing them. Some families mistakenly think they hold all of the power and control and that is not the case. Good nannies will have NO trouble finding a good job and will take their time to find the perfect one. I cannot tell you how many calls I got that went like this “Tammy thank you so much for sending to the ____ family, but I would like to decline my application.” This happened a lot and I would BEG the nanny to reconsider giving them another chance because I knew how great the nanny was but the mom or dad blew it! Here are some of the reasons I got from them: “The mom was SO rude. She did not smile when she opened the door, immediately looked me up and down asking me to remove my shoes. She made me wash my hands and then scolded me because I did not turn off the sink correctly. She seemed miserable and there was NO way I would ever be able to go to that house every morning.” “The parents were so anxious and stressed. They shouted at each other the entire time, the house was in total chaos the kids were screaming, the baby was walking around with no diaper on, the sink was full of dirty dishes, It just seemed like it would be totally overwhelming.” “They fired off questions at me for an hour. Really difficult questions I did not even understand sometimes. They made me feel stupid. I have been a nanny for 22 years and I know I am wonderful at caring for children. I may not have the highest education but I know how to handle kids.” Your nanny will be thinking the following: 1. Are their wants realistic or are they too demanding?

Are these parents uptight and nervous, or relaxed and comfortable? 2. Are they treating the current nanny poorly and yelling at her?



3. Do the husband and wife get a long? 4. Is it the kind of house where the mom says one thing and then the husband says something

different? 5. Does the house seem in control? 6. Could I be happy here for a long time and be excited to go to work here?

** END OF E-BOOK**

If you liked this e-book, you can read more in the full manuscript of Secrets of the Nanny

Whisperer – available on Amazon.

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A special eBook Secrets of the Nanny Whisperer · As I outline in my book, Secrets of the Nanny...

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