A Single Serving

5/20/2018 A Single Serving

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DO YOU FEEL A CERTAIN CALL TO REMAIN

SINGLE OR DO YOU HAVE A DESIRE TO BE

MARRIED? WHY?

Ive never felt a particular call to singleness otherthan knowing that it is Gods will for me for as longas I remain unmarried. Ive never had a clear sense of

God telling me Im going to be single for the rest of

my life. I do have a sense that I probably will be, that

marriage is unlikely, but would not want to describe that

as a call as such. So my hunch is that I will be single

long term.

That said, there are times when I deeply desire to be

married. I would love to have that kind of compan-

ionship - to come rst for someone. Even with good

friends it can feel lonely and isolating at times to be

single. So yes, there are times when I would love to be

married. And times when I am very happy being single.

HOW ARE YOU SERVING THE LOCAL

CHURCH AND THE KINGDOM WITH YOUR

PORTION OF SINGLENESS?

There are a number of ways (I hope) that I am usingmy singleness for the kingdom. I work as a pastorat a church, and I know that being single releases me to

do this in a way that would not be as easy were I mar-

ried. I can be out most evenings and weekends without

the issue of neglecting family back home. I can spend

more time at the ofce. I will have a slightly different

capacity than some married colleagues might - able to

give more time to certain aspects of the ministry.

More specically, I hope I am able to teach and mod-

el something of what the single like should look like.

There are a number of people at church who are sin-

gle and over-40, through bereavement or divorce. The

temptations to become romantically involved and even

marry unbelievers is acute for many of them. We have

lost too many through that route. So I hope when I

speak to that from the pulpit that it carries credibility. I

do know what it is like to fall in love with someone the

SAM

ALLBERRYPASTOR

Sam is a pastor from the UK

who writes on a variety of

issues, some related to being

single or celibacy, some

related to other ministryaspects. I have come to

deeply appreciate his

wisdom on various matters,

and his dry wit from across

the Atlantic. You can find

him on twitter @samallberry

and as a regular contributor

to Living Out.

Each time I read a well-intentioned article on how to make the

most of your single years, I scan down to the authors bio and often

discover that, sure enough, hes married to his college sweetheart,

pulling advice from a brief period of adult-singleness years ago.

This is how I opened my August 2014 article on Chris-

tianity Today calledWhy Singles Belong in Church

Leadership. The dearth of singles within leadership po-

sitions in churches and ministries these days is saddening

to me at best, and alarming at worst. Nearly half of the

U.S. population (43.6% according to the 2010 U.S. Cen-

sus) is single: thats nearly half the church. Citing Christ

and Paul as only two of many examples in the bible, there

should be plenty of room for unmarried men and women

to serve in key roles within the body of Christ.

With this in mind, I reached out to several friends from

around the world who are doing just that. They are all

examples of people in different seasons of life (20s into

40s) who have not allowed their singleness to hampertheir ministry, but instead use the time and freedom

they have to better pursue the Lord with undistracted

devotion. My hope is these interviews this will primarily

encourage singles to use this season of life in richer ways,

but also they will also encourage the Church to consider

actively seeking to staff unmarried people in key roles.

(Read the article if you want to know why.)

There are obvious limitations for each of us as we walk in

our given seasons faithfully, but those limitations havent

terminated us from ministry. One of my art professorsin college used to give us very tight parameters for pieces

he assigned. Something like we could only use two colors

and one medium, or one color and one shape. Designing

within those constraints was a life lesson as well for me. I

learned to create from little and trust the boundary lines

truly had fallen for me in pleasant places (Ps. 16).

I hope these interviews challenge and encourage you as

much as they did me.

Lore Ferguson, editor

SAYABLE.NET


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Bible would forbid you from marrying.

I can speak from experience and echo

some of the pains, all the while calling

people to remain faithful to Christ. I

think it helps to have single people in-

volved in pastoral ministry.

More generally, there are other ways I

hope I am putting my singleness to good

use. I am aware that it makes things more

exible. I am able to travel and minister

elsewhere relatively easily as a single per-

son. I have been able to get to know and

be involved with ministries in a number

of parts of the world. This has been a

huge privilege.

I hope, too, that I am using my single-

ness to be as good a friend as possible.

Being single means I have a greater ca-pacity (and need!) for friendship than

many married friends, and I am more

able to visit and support good friends.

I appreciate there are times when I can

drop everything and go and see friends

if they are in a crisis. I am so thankful

for that. (Whether they are is another

matter...)

TALK ABOUT THE PROCESS OF

WRESTLING, EITHER IN THEPAST OR CONTINUED, WITH

YOUR PORTION OF SINGLE-

NESS. WHAT CONTRIBUTED TO

YOUR CONFIDENCE IN CHRIST

IN THIS SEASON?

There have been a lot of ups anddowns in my experience as a singleChristian. There are times I have resent-

ed being single. I went through a pain-

ful period when I began to realise thatgetting married and having children were

not a given and I had to come to terms

with the possibility that they might never

happen at all. Id always wondered what

kind of dad I would be - Id looked for-

ward to being like my own father. I have

always wanted to provide my parents

with a daughter-in-law and grandchil-

dren. These are hard dreams to give overto the Lord. In my late twenties and early

thirties it felt like going through a bit of

a bereavement as friends went through

these stages and I began to sense I might

not have the opportunity to.

I have also discovered that in many re-

spects being single has become harder as

I have got older - there are fewer other

single people around the older you get,

and so friendships work a bit differently.I tend to have more friends that I see

less often, and very few people that I can

easily hang out with at short notice. At

times this can be painful. Sometimes you

just want to see someone at a particular

moment, only to nd the next available

time they are free is in a month or so. So

there have been times when I have been

resentful of being single. But at the same

time, there are ways in which it has been

easier - I have learned (slowly!) how to

live as a single person and grown into it

somewhat.

Throughout all this, one of the key

things I have had to learn is that the key

to contentment as a single person is not

found in being content in singleness - in

persuading yourself that it is the best

thing ever. The key is being content in

Christ, as a single person. If I was mar-

ried, there would be the same number of

ups and downs as I currently face as a

single person. The grass will always seem

greener somewhere else. But the more

I have learned to nd contentment in

Christ, the less it seems to matter to me

whether I am married or single. Know-

ing Jesus is the key to life.

As I say that, I am conscious it is a

battle to keep believing it. Every day I

need to make time to get my heart glad

in the Lord. Its a ght. But its a ght

that makes a whole load of other ghts

much easier.

Certain passages and truths have really

helped with this. John 15 has become an

old friend when I need to walk my way

through what it means to be in Christ -

the pain and the privilege involved. Thefact remains that nothing ever ends up

being truly worse when youre with Je-

sus, and nothing ends up being truly

better without him. Some things may be

harder, but they are certainly not worse.

I know that Jesus will do all things well.

WHAT IS THE DEEPEST CHAL-

LENGE TO YOU DOING MINIS-

TRY UNMARRIED?

One of the hardest things for mebeing single in ministry is that Ioften feel emotionally spent, and then

nd myself returning to an empty home.

It is hard not having someone to process

things with, to laugh and cry with. Min-

istry exposes you to the best and worst

of Gods people (and of yourself, too,

for that matter) and it is hard not having

someone to share all that with. Some-

times it feels like I bottle up a lot of thisstuff for weeks at a time. I may have a

greater time capacity as a single person,

but I sometimes wonder if I also have a

smaller emotional capacity.

WHAT IS THE RICHEST BLESS-

ING TO YOU IN YOUR SINGLE-

NESS TODAY?

Iguess what I am dong right now is ahuge blessing. As I answer these ques-tions, Im doing so while staying in thehome of some very dear friends who I

have the opportunity of spending a few

days with. I wouldnt have come across

you, Lore, and a great many other peo-

ple, were it not for the ministry opportu-

nities that have come my way as a single

person. So this very moment typies

some of the things that are best about

being a single person - a wide rangeof experiences and friends I otherwise

would not have had, all of which in his

unfathomable goodness God seems to

be using. That blows my mind. So there

it is: being single has been a means God

has used to impress upon me his good-

ness.


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DO YOU FEEL A CERTAIN CALL TO

REMAIN SINGLE OR DO YOU HAVE A

DESIRE TO BE MARRIED? WHY?

Ifeel a certain call to remain single only insofaras I am single, and understand that to be prov-identially ordered, though the full meaning of it

is indiscernible to me. I do not feel a certain call

to remain single, if that means that I would refuse

marriage even if the chance to enter a happy one

came my way. I have desired marriage throughout

my 20s.


CHURCH AND THE KINGDOM WITH

YOUR PORTION OF SINGLENESS?

Being unmarried enables me to more sin-gle-mindedly (no pun intended) lead, write,and edit at Christianity Today magazine, which ex-

ists to educate and equip the church to live on

mission in all its particular culturally and geo-

graphically bound expressions. This season has

also allowed me to delve into a book project (due

out in 2016) about the goodness of womens work

and cultural contribution.

TALK ABOUT THE PROCESS OF WRES-

TLING, EITHER IN THE PAST OR CON-

TINUED, WITH YOUR PORTION OF

SINGLENESS. WHAT CONTRIBUTED TO

YOUR CONFIDENCE IN CHRIST IN THIS

SEASON?

Part of the process of wrestling with singlenesshas meant believing and re-believing thesetruths:

God has not forgotten or abandoned me or

anyone else who desires to be married and is

not (Is. 49; Luke 12).

God does not look at me and see unattached

person or half person, but rather sees meas his glorious handiwork, created to do good

KATELYN

BEATYMANAGING

EDITOR:

CHRISTIANITY

TODAYKatelyn is the Managingeditor of Christianity Today

and one of the sharpest

thinkers around. She is wise

and winsome, and while

deeply desiring marriage,

hasnt allowed the lack of it

to hinder what she knows

the Lord is calling her to

do today. You can find her

on twitter @katelynbeaty

and as a regular writer at

Christianity Today.

works alongside other believers (Ps.

139; Eph. 2:10).

Real life or ministry doesnt be-

gin on ones wedding day. The call

of Christ on our lives starts the

day we choose to follow him, and

he intends for us to live the abun-

dant life for and through him now,

whether or not a spouse is in tow

(Eph. 5:16).

It is not up to me to worry about the

future and whether it will include a

spouse (Matt. 6:34). Even still, God

wants me to be honest about my de-

sires and to trust him to take care of

me in all seasons (Ps. 37:4; Is. 46:4).

WHAT IS THE DEEPEST CHAL-

LENGE TO YOU TO DO MINIS-

TRY UNMARRIED?

Probably the deepest challenge isemotional, feeling bereft of a minis-try partner, wondering why others have

been given one when I havent in this

time. I have to proactively resist compar-

ing my situation to others and setting

marriage up as the core mark of Gods

faithfulness.

WHAT IS THE RICHEST BLESS-

ING TO YOU IN YOUR SINGLE-

NESS TODAY?

Iget to be friends with so many peo-ple, across the country, in differentlife stagesthat Im free to expansively

connect with many other people instead

of focusing so intensely on one other

person.


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MARRIED? WHY?

The words of Ecclesiastes 3:1 ring in my ear, toeverything there is a season and a time to everypurpose under heaven. I do in this season feel called to

singleness. I do not feel though that this season will last

forever and I do hope to marry at some point. For now

though I am content as a single and even nd myself an

advocate for singleness as it pertains to kingdom work.

If you would have told me two years ago that I would

be an advocate for singles and singleness, I would have

laughed with laughter quickly turning into fear and a

cold sweat. I have never wanted to end up alone. At

times I think I have even idolized being in a relationship

but these past few years God has had me on a journey in

the land of singleness. What it means to be single and

oddly enough what it means to be married. Two topicsour culture sadly misunderstands and as hard as it is to

say, and to hear, especially our church culture.


WRESTLING, EITHER IN THE PAST OR

CONTINUED, WITH YOUR PORTION OF



SEASON?

Looking back, I know now that this journey started

many years ago in college. The early footsteps ofthis journey can be traced back to three classes in par-

ticular. Three classes that I would have never thought

would have impacted me so much; Life and Teachings

of Christ with Dr. Rodney Reeves, Christian Doc-

trine with Dr. Kelly Malone and Hebrew Exegesis

with Dr. Bing Bayer. Though it probably had little to

do with the actual course content, it was in the reading

and writing for those classes that the Lord brought be-

fore me the centrality of Christ youre thinking duh

right? Thats what I thought initially too but what start-

ed as a study of the nature of Christs resurrection (the

ANDY

HERBEKMISSIOLOGISTAndy is a farmer, leather-

worker, and regional staff

member with US Center

for World Mission. In an era

where most millennials are

taking yet another selfieor talking about their fear

of missing out, Andy has

consistently stood out to me

as someone who is deeply

concerned with the state

of world missions, but also

concerned with cultivating

the land right in front of him.

You can find him on twitter

@andyherbek.

end) spilled over into an exploration of

Gods created image (the beginning) and

forced upon me implications to live by

(the present).

Ill write a book about it someday sosorry, you only get a snapshot herebut the essence of image bearing struck

me powerfully and all of the sudden all

these threads were weaving together be-

fore me. Things that before seemed so

disjunctive were now paired in a beau-

tiful compliment. Things like marriage

and proclamation of the gospel, singles

and church polity, missions and worship.

I began to see, and am still learning more

and more about each day, that the deep-

est concern of God is His image, His

glory. Image in biblical times was muchdifferent than what we think of today.

Sufce it to say that Gods concern for

His own image is not the kind experi-

enced by teenage girls today. You will

just have to wait for my book to learn

the historical background in short

Gods image is his essence, His charac-

ter, His honor. The crazy thing is, we

are his image. We His body, unique and

distinct as individuals but unied as a

collective under Christ. We are His glory

as the body of Christ. As such all kinds

of implications are eshed out of that

theme throughout the biblical narrative.

Implication #1 (of many, though I will

only draw 3 here as it relates to single-

ness), man and woman are both image

bearers but its obvious that they are in-

trinsically different. So than only when

they are joined together is a more full

image (or embodiment if you will) of

God present on earth Thats why

marriage is sacred and between only one

man and one woman. Marriage exists

to DO something not just BE some-

thing it exist to image (verb) our cre-

ator, to proclaim His nature embodied in

both masculine and feminine. Masculine

alone could not image God fully norcould feminine, both though intrinsically

different, when held in complimentary

tension, bear more fully the nature

of God. This is just the surface level

though. Ultimately the reason God gives

us marriage is so that we would have

categories through which to talk about

the gospel That is no y by statement.

Think about it. The reason we have mar-

riage is so that we would have categories

through which to understand the gospel.

The same is true of the church. The

word for family (oikos) became synon-

ymous for church not because family is

the highest ideal but because family is a

category through which to talk about the

church. Back to marriage, Jesus used it as

the number one way to communicate the

gospel not because he wants everyone to

get married but because he wants every-

one to know Him and marriage is a pow-erful way of communicating (imaging)

the gospel... The joining of two intrin-

sically different beings. Think about this,

there is no marriage in heaven (Mathew

22:30) salvation is eternal but marriage

only exists to communicate it until there

is no more need of it. Marriage is not an

end in itself it exists for the proclama-

tion of the gospel. To often we in the

church ip that. We believe or at least we

act like the gospel exists to support mar-


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riage and the church exist to promote

healthy families. If you dont believe me

just look up the new TV show on GSN

called It takes a Church. Its literally a

matchmaker show oriented around the

church community. Listen to the tag line,

Each week, IT TAKES A CHURCH

visits a congregation from across thecountry to surprise one unsuspecting

single with the news that theyre about

to be saved from the dating world. As

if singleness is a sin to be rescued from!

The audacity! Im sorry but that one gets

me riled up! The church does not exist

to promote/produce marriage or even

family. Marriage exists to proclaim the

gospel and families exist to promote

healthy churches. Now that sounds like a

resounding cry against singleness right?

Well

Implication #2, if the purpose of mar-

riage is for proclamation of the gospel

and families exist to promote the church

than the object is the gospel and the

glory of God resting in the church. The

church after all is a place in which we im-

age God most fully I cant image God

by myself. A married couple can image

God more fully but still cannot image

God to the fullest. It takes the global

church manifest in every culture to glo-

rify God to the fullest by producing the

fullest manifestation of His image on

earth. So once again the goal is procla-

mation of the gospel and the glorica-

tion of God on earth (or the corporate

act of worship enacted by the church).

Now if you can proclaim the gospel bet-

ter as a single than by all means DONTget married. Or if you can proclaim the

gospel better as a married couple GET

married. Do you hear what Paul was

trying to say in my paraphrase of 1 Cor

7:7-9? The point of life is not marriage

or singleness but what life you and I can

live that most glories God and pro-

claims His gospel to the ends of the

earth. Likewise Paul viewed the churchthe same way. The church isnt this lit-

tle healthy family unit for its own sake;

it is something vital to the glory of God

because it is a composite whole of His

image. It is His glory and can only thrive

to the fullest when promoted by whole

families. Once again that kinda ips

things on its head for us. How many

people leave a church because it doesnt

meet the needs of their family? Paul al-

ways started with the oikos, the family,

when making disciples because it was

through the natural network of families

that the church would grow to the full-

est. So how does singleness t in to all

of this? I can be single and yet function

to my fullest created purpose within the

church family. The church is, or should

be, a place where there is no pressure

to get married or to remain single but

a place where we are spurred to glorifyGod and proclaim His redemption. So

why do we so often look down upon sin-

gles in the church as if they are less than

complete. They are complete in Christ as

one member among many in His body.

The church is a place where singles can

image God fully in community (mascu-

line/feminine and in all ethnic diversity)

without getting married. Thats why Paul

never once references someone as a hus-

band or wife within the church, and yet

time and time again he will say things

like, my dear brothers and sisters in the

faith. In the kingdom we are not hus-

band and wife, we are brother and sister

created to glorify our father. Brothers

and sisters who cannot look like their

daddy individually

Implication #3 is a simple one, as broth-

ers and sisters within THE church, the

kingdom, we Americans need our Af-

rican and Asian brothers and sisters to

more fully image our Dad and they need

us. So marriage and singleness as func-

tionally declarative of the gospel is in-

trinsically missional. Just like in marriage,

the man remains uniquely masculine and

the women uniquely feminine, so to in

the church each ethnicity remains dis-tinct but unied under Christ. In the

church Chinese remain uniquely Chi-

nese when they worship and Nigerians

remain uniquely Nigerian Just like a

single is not forced to get married when

they enter the church, so to the Russian

does not have to give up his or her cul-

ture to worship Christ. Marriage AND

singleness then are a means through

which mission happens.

Why do we disparage the other side of

the fence? God desires and the world

needs both married people and singles

who are undistracted in their devotion

to kingdom work. So after my ramblings,

my response to the later part of the

question is its still a journey. I do indeed

have condence through what the Lord

has shown me (described above) but it

can still be hard waking up in a big bed

alone.

HOW ARE YOU SERVING

THE LOCAL CHURCH AND

THE KINGDOM WITH YOUR


Iam the Nebraska Area Mobilizer forPerspectives on the World ChristianMovement. With Perspectives I get to

work with a lot of congregations and

denominations (even ethnicities) across

the state and help them see how they

can strategically work together for Gods

global glory. Its actually quite an hon-

or to get to see such a vivid display of

Gods diverse image. I also farm with my

brother as he and his wife really transi-

tion into running the farming operation

from Dad and a few other neighbors

who are retiring. Most of the farm workis pretty isolating and a lot of what I do

with Perspectives is from a distance. It

can be hard not sharing some exciting

moments on the farm or in ministry with

a wife. Something discouraging will hap-

pen or something excited and you want

to be able to share it with someone who

cares about what God is doing in and

through your life as much as you do.

WHAT IS THE DEEPEST

CHALLENGE TO YOU DOING

YOUR MINISTRY UNMARRIED?

It can be hard not having a helpmate.Its terribly unromantic but the prac-ticalities of not having a wife to share

daily responsibilities with can wear on

you. In the midst of so many things to

do in ministry it would be nice to have

someone who could help with farm/

house chores. I must be a functionalist

but some of the stories from great men

of faith that I look up to had wives who


7/13

would write out their ash cards to help

them through seminary or things of

that nature. It might seem old fashion

or even offensive to some today but the

devotion to each other, and especially to

the work of the Lord, in these kinds of

stories are what is romantic to me. Deep

down I am a romantic and the hardestthing in ministry and life in general is not

having someone to share it with. Besides

that the endless ploys by some in the

church to try and play match maker for

me can often cut to the core. I think I

speak for a lot of single men in the min-

istry that its hurtful and often a discour-

agement and distraction from what God

has us doing when well meaning people

say things like, its to bad you cant nd a

nice young lady to settle down with. It

really is that subtle non-value of singles

within the church that can creep into

your life and can make a single man feel

off track when to God he might be right

on track.

WHAT IS THE RICHEST

BLESSING TO YOU IN YOUR

SINGLENESS TODAY?

Having a singular focus in ministry...

pun intended! Being single allows

me to devote more time and energy to

the work of the Lord. Yes it would be

nice to have a spouse to help with dai-

ly work but not having a wife frees me

up nancially, with my time and with

my energy to focus on ministry/mis-

sion. A huge blessing within that context

of service is married people who dont

make me feel bad for being single when

I am around them. Also, working for a

ministry that welcomes and values sin-

gles in every aspect of the organization.

This will probably end up in the book

as well but historically mission orders

(which is what the U.S. Center for World

Mission is and is who I work for as it is

the authority behind Perspectives) have

always valued and utilized singles, espe-cially women, where often church con-

gregations do not. Though quite techni-

cal, it is fundamental to the distinction

in DNA between local congregations

and mission orders. Our founder Dr.

Ralph Winter articulated some of these

differences in two terms he called mo-

dality and sodality. Modality would be a

local congregation its stationary, care

oriented and protective against threats.

Sodality would be a mission order its

mobile, risk taking and pioneer for the

sake of the gospel. Dr. Winter would say

that they when seen as two sides of one

coin are what God has always thought

of as the church. Two structures func-

tionally different but when married,

if you will, together is known as THE

church. Both needed and both valuable

but essentially different. The problem

is we like to divorce the two in an at-tempt to syncretize the two functions

into one structure. It will never work

because it rejects Gods plan and there

will always be one side of the coin that

overpowers in a specic situation. The

fact that we lack a recognition of the

validity of both structures shows up in

phrases like, if the local church would

just do its job we wouldnt need mission

agencies. Thats another book but this

relates to a blessing in singleness to me

because I am indeed a part of a struc-

ture that honors where God has me in

singleness. I dont feel guilty as a single

for undistracted devotion to working for

gospel breakthroughs among unreached

peoples. I dont feel like Im trying to be

matched up all the time, I dont feel like

Im restricted or held back from inuen-tial roles in the organization just because

Im single. That is indeed a blessing.

May we value both singles and mar-riage more! Let us focus on theglory of God and the redemption of all

peoples.


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MELISSA

WADECITY DWELLERMelissa works in the foster

care system in New York

City and is a part of a new

church plant also in the

city. Even though Melissa

isnt specifically in churchleadership, I thought it

would help to see a single

who is working actively

to live missionally in her

community. You can find her

on twitter @Honeybee22274.




Ive wanted to be married since I was three yearsold and I was always certain it would happen forme. I grew up in love with the idea of love and the

way it can make a woman beautiful and conquer all

(thanks John Hughes). I longed to have someone

set their affections on me and to return those af-

fections, but interestingly (and in hindsight, thank-

fully) as boy crazy as I was in my youth this did not

result in many dating relationships. As the years

went by in my 20s and early 30s, I nally went

from the constant, optimistic feeling of this will

be THE year, I just know it! to leaving my marital

future completely in Gods hands to do with what

He wills. And by the time I turned 35 I was no

longer spending a moment each December 31stthinking the eeting thought, Nope, once again,

this wasnt the year.

So what changed? Through spending time in the

Word and prayer, and the prayers of godly friends

and mentors who love me, Christ revealed to me

His unrivaled beauty and reoriented my affections

around Himself. I experienced what Chalmers

articulated: the expulsive power of a new affec-

tion, and Ive come alive fully to the greatest love

there is, the love of Christ Jesus.

Being 40, still unmarried, and now completely

soul-satised brings credibility to the idea that it

is possible to trust God with this life, not have

what you thought youve always wanted/needed/

deserved, and what every normal person gets to

experience (ll in the blank of what that might be

for you) and still joyfully thrive. So while Ive nev-

er felt the call to remain unmarried, I did begin

to wonder in the past year if thats what I have

been called to, in part to model this truth to oth-

ers. Perhaps this is the way I can best glorify God

with my life, which is today my greatest

desire. To be completely honest, I still

desire to be married, and if presented

with the choice and a great candidate, I

would choose to marry. Ultimately, I may

have hopes, dreams, desires, and a dif-

ferent calling tomorrow, but right now I

need to be faithful with what Im calledto today.

HOW ARE YOU SERVING




Since coming to New York City in2010, in addition to working full timein the Family Court, Ive served with two

church planting teams, learning, praying,

leading, strategizing, planning, giving,playing, teaching, and discipling. Prior

to moving to New York Ive served in

student and womens ministries, giving

whatever time I could when I wasnt

traveling for work. For two years, in ad-

dition to running my own company, I

was the part-time assistant director of

the middle school ministry at my home

church in Oregon- my only paid ministry

experience.

As an unmarried person, I feel that I am

able to give more time, attention, and

resources to the church and my friends

and loved ones than I could otherwise.

Additionally, Im able to spend extra

time on my relationship with God and

what He is doing in, with, and through

me. Im not in danger of focusing on my

sanctication in a way that excludes and

neglects a spouse, nor of the reverse.

Apart from God I dont have anyone

to answer to concerning maximum lim-

its on my giving and serving and there

is no portion of me that I must reserve

for another human, apart from my com-

munity. Other than to ensure Im caring

for myself well (mind, body, and soul)

so that I dont burn out or try to minis-

ter out of my own strength, Im free tomake my church and community and the

people God has given us there a priority.

God has gifted me with fabulous friends

near and far and incredible pastors who

help me think through these things and

who keep me accountable in this season

of life. Married or single, community is

vital.

At this time in my life I am able to open

my home in a way that I might not (wantto) as part of a married couple. In sea-

sons when Ive lived alone I was able to

prayerfully discern when to invite peo-

ple to stay with me, and needed to ask

no one else for permission. Right now

I have an incredibly kind and generous

roommate and we are in agreement re-

garding hospitality in our home. Each of

us has welcomed friends to take over our

living room for up to several months at

a time, as God has led. I know marriedcouples who do this too, but my room-

mate and I have the advantage of being

free from any marital intimacy concerns

that might arise from having other peo-

ple in our small apartment.

TALK ABOUT THE PROCESS

OF WRESTLING, EITHER IN

THE PAST OR CONTINUED,

WITH YOUR PORTION

OF SINGLENESS. WHAT


9/13

CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR

CONFIDENCE IN CHRIST IN

THIS SEASON?

Ive never just wanted to be married,Ive wanted to be married to theright person. And so, despite my long-

standing desire, marriage in the abstract

is not something Ive ever really fought

with God about or despaired over,

even in seasons when the desire was

especially strong, or when faced with

a specic man I was sure might make

a good husband. Thats not to say that

I wasnt openly hopeful and constantly

scanning the horizon for the one. I did

this for years. After ending a long-term

relationship at age 24, and realizing by

26 that we werent getting back together,for the next few years I was stealthily

scoping out left hands, looking for a

wedding ring on many of the charming,

attractive men Id meet, to see who was

eligible; until God changed me.

While for some people that time frame

might sound like I was already well on

my way to spinsterhood, context is im-

portant. I was raised in a culture (west

coast, Gen X, largely unchurched) where

the expectation for young people was to

graduate high school, graduate college,

get a good job, and then get married,

all in that very logical and responsible

order. This led to me being surrounded

almost completely by friends, men and

women, who would not begin marrying

in earnest until we were close to 30, so I

was by no means an anomaly. Now, liv-

ing in New York City, the vast majority

of my friends inside the church and out,

are unmarried; (many are never married

Christian women in their 30s) so Im

still not weird by local standards. That

denitely helps.

I have from time to time been asked by

well-meaning people if Im too picky,

or perhaps commitment-phobic. I will

not lie; I am picky. But no more so than

most of my married friends. And I dont

think Im commitment-phobic. While

all my life Ive had a front row seat to a

marriage that has been anything but easy,

that has never dampened my desires. I

do think, however it has sobered me to

the realities of one esh union with an-

other fallible human and given me wis-

dom.

Despite their struggles, from day onemy parents have done a fabulous job of

afrming my true identity as a child of

God; whole, in and of myself, in Him.

They never introduced the idea to me

that I was incomplete as a person, miss-

ing my other/better half, or not ready for

real life to begin until my identity includ-

ed wife. Though theyve asked about

my desires, theyve never pressured me

about marriage or giving them grand-

children. At times they have questioned

some of the unconventional ways and

places God has taken me to do life and

ministry, but their questioning was never

about a desire to see me settled down.

I think this is probably the biggest fac-

tor in my feeling at ease with not yet

(never?) being married. While God has

done the work, which continues today,

of purifying my desires and ridding me

of idols, the sense of God-dependent

individuality my parents instilled in me

was the bedrock foundation God built

upon. It was that sense of being whole

and being enough that kept me from ty-

ing my worth to romantic relationships,

or in my case, a lack thereof. Ive never

felt less worthy because I was not being

chosen by men.

While all of these factors have contrib-

uted to satisfaction with my current state

of being single, more important than

marriage or any other good gift God

would give me, is my desire to thrive in

Him with contentment. I do not mean

resignation; I mean a full, satised, joy-

ful contentment, and that is where I am

today. Whats the phrase? God is most

gloried in us when we are most satisedin Him? Oh yes, I do believe thats true.

WHAT IS THE DEEPEST

CHALLENGE TO YOU DO

MINISTRY UNMARRIED?

Icannot think of a time when my abil-ity to minister has been challengedor limited by being unmarried, howev-

er I have considered that perhaps some

might see me, an unmarried woman

working closely with pastors, as a dan-ger. A steady stream of articles being

published in Christian circles, sometimes

saying as much, doesnt help. Affairs

happen between married people all the

time, but it seems that there is often an

extra air of suspicion hanging over the

unmarried woman unless she is old or

extremely unattractive. I might wish to

be married and experience the affec-

tion and romantic attention of a man,

but Im not the least bit interested in

someone elses husband, thank you very

much. Thankfully that suspicion is not

something Ive ever been made to feel

in any church where Ive served, but its

something I know may be on the radar

of other people.

WHAT IS THE RICHEST

BLESSING TO YOU IN YOURSINGLENESS TODAY?

Freedom and time and autonomyare my richest blessings. Right nowI revel in the freedom to engage in the

commitments on my time and resourc-

es that I choose. Time and freedom to

sleep (or not), to travel, to see friends, to

minister, for quiet solitude and contem-

plation, for undisturbed prayer; freedom

to follow where the Lord leads withouthesitation, to enjoy and extend work

trips, to spend an entire day just reading

a book in my pajamas, to take as long as

I want in the shower, to be radically gen-

erous, to eat the last cookie, to do what I

want rst thing in the morning, and last

thing at night and the list goes on.

Friendships are also part of that bounty.

For the married person, opposite gen-

der friendships often take on a differentaspect, if not end all together, as may

same gender friendships (especially with

unmarried people) as priorities and avail-

ability change. I know that in part this

can be necessary, and I also know that

its a choice. Frankly, Im glad its not a

choice Im faced with making today. And

while I too am a master idol craftswom-

an, I am free from the opportunity to

confuse my spouse with God, looking to

a man to meet those relational and even


10/13

provisional needs that I should only be

looking to have met in Christ. Singleness

may be my position right now, but I can

say with the psalmist, My esh and my

heart may fail, but God is the strength of

my heart and my portion forever.




Im honestly not certain if I have a call to lifelongsingleness. But as Ive said before--I may not haveTHE lifelong gift of singleness, but I can offer up

my singleness as a gift in worship today. I can conse-

crate it for Him. (cf. http://paulmatthies.blogspot.

com/2012/04/life-is-gift-even-single.html)

Do I have a desire to be married? Yes. However, that

desire waxes and wanes. Its usually not its strongest

in a desire for romance or sexual intimacy, as much

as a longing for consistent companionship in those

lonely seasons, or a desire for committed partnership

in those difcult or busy seasons. Theres so much

over the years that I wish I could have shared.

As a single man, I realize there is much more oppor-

tunity for me in marriage, as I think about pursuing

a godly woman. When we look at the Church today,

we see there are more single women in waiting then

single men. Thus, I cant really claim a lack of op-

tions. I do feel, though, that in the last seven years es-

pecially (based on call and present circumstances), it

has not been Gods timing for me to pursue marriage.

Still, I dont yet have the Apostle Pauls clarity regard-

ing his gift of singleness. Ive often heard it said

that the clearest sign of a call to lifelong singleness is

the absence of sexual desire. Those saying it usuallycite 1 Corinthians 7. However, I dont see Paul speak-

ing about an absence of sexual desire there, but the

presence of self-control. There is a difference.

I do not feel that a life of singleness is determined

simply by absence of sexual desire. I dont see that

in the text. I do, however, believe theres a presence

of self-control. Not a self-control that erases our

desires, but helps us honor God for this season or

for life. Nor is it a self-control unique to us. Why?

Because ALL believers have that fruit in the Spirit

PAUL

MATTHIESCHURCH ELDERPaul is a elder at his

church in central Texas,

and a former pastor from

my church. Over the past

few years I have come

to appreciate his humor,

wisdom, and humility.

Many at my local church

have been deeply affected

by Pauls sermons and

example of godliness. You

can find him on twitter @

paul_matties and read

him regularly at Wayfaring

Stranger.


11/13

(Galatians 5:22-23).

Yet it doesnt mean that there wasnt

temptation or loneliness for Paulonly

that his pursuit of Christ and his call-

ing at hand tempered those issues, so

that it wasnt a source of blatant sin for

him. We can be content in Christ, if we

ask Him according to His will. Butitseems we may still have real desires for

marriage and feelings of loneliness. In-

deed, I may yet marry.

Regardless, I want to be committed to

the gospel ministry above all else, right

now. The godliest couples I know

are those who see sharing the gospel

through their marriage as their main

purpose. The most miserable couples

I know are those who view each otheras an end in itself, trying to nd happi-

ness in each other and working to make

their lives comfortable. Sadly, some sin-

gles see those marriages and thinkI

want someone that can make me happy

and comfortable too! So they just sit

around dwelling on their singleness all

the timesurrounding themselves with

friends who want to create empty drama

and gossip. I am sorrybut I have seen

too much hurt in this world, and God

has blessed me with too muchto sit

around giggling about girls all the time.

Instead, I have always valued what godly

married people have told me. A friend

once shared this piece of advice: Run

after Jesus with all you are. Then, one day,

you may look up and see a woman beside

you running on the same path. But re-

gardless of if that day comes, you gain

Christ in the end, whether she comes or

not. I see that as very helpfulpursue

Jesus! If He doesnt give a spouseyou

still get Him. And if she comes, yet she

passes awayyou are still grounded in

Him. A godly man also once told me: I

knew I was supposed to marry my wife

when we saw that we could not grow

any more in Christ, unless we were mar-ried as one. What a great perspective!

Should marriage come, it is the next sea-

son I need to keep growing in Him.

Let me also say (and I hope this isnt

TMI)I am a virgin. In fact, Ive not so

much as kissed a girl. I dont wear this as

a badge of puritanical superiority, but to

say that its possible to stay celibate and

be very happy. I used to keep this mum,

but after hearing the world brag about itssexual exploits over and again, I think a

stand for purity can be a witness. Plus,

I am quite content being single at this

time. I know thats a blessing for me.

HOW ARE YOU SERVING




Singleness has afforded me opportu-

nity. Ive been privileged to servethe Lord in the city (as an associate pas-

tor at The Village Church) and in the

countryside (as an elder at my current

church, Hilltop Christian Fellowship).

Ive served Him domestically and inter-

nationally (with long-term stays in China

and South Korea, and short term trips

to Romania, Kenya, and Australia). Ive

worked full-time in a church setting, in

a missions setting, and am now working

full-time in a corporate setting. No mat-

ter what, in all times and placesGod

is the same loving, gracious, powerful,

sovereign God. Ive got to see that rst-

hand over the years.

Singleness has given me certain exi-

bility. I now work full-time as a claims

examiner for an insurance company, so

I can also ll in as interim preacher and

leader here, at little cost to my church as

we face a tough nancial year. At my

church, I also serve as an elder, adult

classroom teacher, substitute youth

teacher, song leader, and more. I do

hospital visits, prayer, counseling, and

written communication. My day job

helps fund my ministry life.

Singleness has also offered me greater

accessibility. I dont say availability, be-cause there is a common assumption

that singles must have nothing but free

time, 24/7. I do have many responsi-

bilities to juggle, between work, church,

personal, family, etc. However, I can pri-

oritize and arrange my schedule at more

of a moments notice. I try to leverage

this to be as accessible as possible to my

church and the Kingdom overall.

Jesus speaks about doing our giving,praying, and fasting in secret. I can say

that my singleness has given me greater

scope to serve the Lord in daily, unan-

nounced, and surprise ways, known only

to Him. I get to use my portion (and

paychecks) to do a lot of fun things for

others.

TALK ABOUT THE PROCESS

OF WRESTLING, EITHER IN

THE PAST OR CONTINUED,

WITH YOUR PORTION

OF SINGLENESS. WHAT

CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR

CONFIDENCE IN CHRIST IN

THIS SEASON?

One of the best questions Ive evenbeen posed came from my friendand pastor at The Village Church, Matt

Chandler. He said in a message that, nomatter what portion weve been given,

we should ask: What does it look like to

glorify God in this season? For me, the

wrestle begins and ends with that ques-

tion: How do I bring glory to God in my

singleness? I gain condence when I live

within my intended purposeto bring

God glory.

Admittedly, singleness can be a hard re-

ality. In Matthew 19:10-12, Jesus tells usthat this gift is only for those to whom

it has been given, implying that the sin-

gle life will not be for the fainthearted.

Likewise, the Apostle Paul, in 1 Corin-

thians 7:7, wishes that all men and wom-

en were like him, but he recognizes the

strong temptations we face. So how do

we embrace a difcult season?

At least eight times in scripture, suffering

is said to have a rewardjoy. At times, Iam conicted, asking Why would God

give me the desire for something like

marriage if He does not plan on grant-

ing it immediatelyor ever? Why not

take the desire away---why make me suf-

fer in this way? Here I take heart from

Pauls example in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10,

where he rejoices in his sufferings.

While the circumstances were different,

the principle applies the same. I dont

have to just cope with this desire, but


12/13

can rejoice in my time of needbe-

cause I get to experience the sufcien-

cy of grace. In our singleness, we are

faced with the very important question:

If Jesus is all I have, is He enough? I

love this quote from The Path Through

Suffering by Elisabeth Elliot:

Acceptance of the will of God is alwaysa simple thing, though for us who are

yet far from sainthood it is often not an

easy thing. Our lives are still complicat-

ed, our aims mixed, our vision clouded.

No wonder Jesus told us to consider the

birds and the lilies.

In the scriptures, I also see that cultivat-

ing a heart of thankfulness is central to

the life of a Christian. As believers, I

think we should rst be known for ouridentity in Christ, not just for our marital

state. In other words, we are not Chris-

tian singles, but single Christians. As

Christians, will we trust that all of Gods

gifts are good and perfect, even the gift

of singleness?

In 1 Timothy 6:6, Paul writes: Now

there is great gain in godliness with

contentment. Again, in Philippians

4:31: Not that I am speaking of beingin need, for I have learned in whatever

situation I am to be content. It is im-

portant for me to nd contentment in

my singleness as an opportunity to se-

cure undivided devotion to the Lord (1

Corinthians 7:35).

To wrestle for that condence and con-

tentment, I am honest to God about

my desires. But they are exactly that--

desires. I cant deny they exist. But I

shouldnt demand them, lest they be

idols. Thats why I feel our life as sin-

gles is one of dependence and honesty

with God--and walking that path of de-

sire, but foremost delight in Him (Psalm

37:4). {Yes, like a good Baptist, I just

used alliteration!}

WHAT IS THE DEEPEST

CHALLENGE TO YOU DOINGMINISTRY UNMARRIED?

Id say the deepest challenge is facingthe belief (internal or external) that,by being unmarried, I am disqualied

from doing ministry in the rst place!

Ive had 1 Timothy and Titus quoted

to me (husband of one wife), stat-

ing I should not serve as a deacon or

elder. Ive heard pastors and seminary

leaders say that single men are at great-er risk of sexual immorality in ministry.

(Sadly, Ive known just as many or more

married men fall into adultery.) Ive

had church committees pass me over,

because there would be a void in the

womens or childrens ministry leader-

ship if I didnt have a wife to come along

with me. (That brings up a whole other

conversation on the often unfair two-

for-one minister expectations placed

on spouses.)

At large, there can be skepticism of why

Id even want to be unmarried in minis-

try. Our culture also displays a certain

fear in an older, unmarried man. As I

mentioned, I am bi-vocational. I once

overheard my co-workers speaking

about a single executive who was hired.

One lady said, Hes single, over 30, and

never been married? He must be ugly, or

theres something wrong with him. An-

other man said, Yes, or he is homosex-

ual, and he just hasnt admitted it yet.

These stereotypes are sometimes car-

ried into the pews. Ive been blessed to

serve in some safe and supportive places,

among loving people, who understand

that our Savior Jesus, and the rst mis-

sionary Paul, were both single. Yet Ivealso faced harsh statement and closed

doors based on being single and over 30,

in ministry.

Then, in those lonely moments of dis-

couragement, wrestling with questions

like Is there something wrong with

me?compounded by the absence of

a spouse and life partnerits easy to

isolate or react. There is a temptation to

grow bitter or to give up. Thats why itsbeen so important for me to have godly

community. I see it in the scriptures, and

Ive seen it in my lifethere is always

a remnant. Ive never been in a season

that also lacked someone to encourage

mewhether it be a friend, family mem-

ber, minister, mentoror even a chance

meeting. Thats a blessing.

WHAT IS THE RICHEST


SINGLENESS TODAY?

That Im happy. Im happy in God.That may sound simplistic, but af-ter all the blogs, articles, commercials,

books, movies, and even sermons telling

me why I shouldnt be happy as a single

person, I nd it a rich blessing that the

Lord is true to His wordHe gives a full

joy (John 15:11; 16:24). Even single, Ive

never been alone. I live a rich, joy-lled

life because of Jesus.

No matter the season, Paul found the

secret to being content (Philippians

4:11-13). Johns joy was complete

in being the friend of the bridegroom

(John 3:27-30). You would think being

brought low or playing second ddle

would mean less fulllment in life. Not

so, when Jesus is the One being liftedhigh and sought rst in our lives.

Im not just speaking of contentment

and joy, with my arms crossed and my

teeth grittedIm speaking of real

happiness! Happiness, as Mike Mason

writes in Champagne for the Soul, is re-

alized joy. Its a lesson I learned from

a godly elder serving over the church in

Suwon, South Korea, where I ministered

for a year--that I must ght for joyandjoy can be readily won, if we seek it in

God. (cf. http://paulmatthies.blogspot.

com/2010/12/are-you-happy.html)


13/13

BETHANY

JENKINSWRITER AT TGCBethany Jenkins is the

director of TGCs Every

Square Inch and the founder

of The Park Forum. I super

appreciate Bethanys drive

and commitment to seeing

the Church thrive in their

given portion. She lives and

works in New York City. You

can follow her on twitter at

@bethanyjenkins



MARRIED? WHY?

Id love to get married one day. I think marriage is thebest waythough not the only wayto be sancti-ed, and I sure need that! (She laughs.) I also want to get

married for the same reason everyone doesto walk

through life with someone you love.


CHURCH AND THE KINGDOM WITH YOUR


Mostly, I think my singleness lets me be presentin ways that are more difcult for those whoare married. For example, two years ago, some of my

closest friends lost their baby. He was only two months

old and died of SIDS. Our entire community was, of

course, devastated. Although I could tell you hundreds

of stories of Gods faithfulness during that time, Ill say

this one thingbeing single was a gift. I didnt have

a family to coordinate or people who needed me at

home. I could drop everything and just show up. Three

of ustwo singles and one marriedorganized prob-

ably fty of our friends to do everythingget ights

and hotels for their families, plan their meals, write the

funeral service, order owers, and more. They didnt lift

a nger; they just mourned. Wyatts funeral was the rst

one at Redeemers new building. We sang of Gods love

as tears ran down our faces. Im so glad I was singlethat week.


WRESTLING, EITHER IN THE PAST OR

CONTINUED, WITH YOUR PORTION OF



SEASON?

Over the years, Ive had many friends get married,which has really served to demystify marriage forme. Although Ive seen my married friends buy spa-

cious apartments, have several children,

and take amazing vacations, Ive also

walked with them through marital un-

faithfulness, loneliness, porn addiction,

narcissism, and divorce. Im so thankful

that theyve invited me into their lives to

show menot just tell methat mar-

riage wont solve all my problems. IfChrist isnt sufcient for me when Im

single, he wont be sufcient for me

when Im married.

WHAT IS THE DEEPEST

CHALLENGE TO YOU AS YOU

DO MINISTRY UNMARRIED?

Ithink all Christians are involved inministry so I wouldnt say that sin-gleness for me is any different than, say,

singleness for my friend who is a lawyer.Singleness is singleness; its an equal op-

portunity employer when it comes to

its benets and challenges. For me, the

hardest part about being single is not

having someone who is as invested in my

life as I am. Yes, I have a loving family

and wonderful friends who counsel and

advise me. But at the end of the day, Im

the only one who has to live out my de-

cisions. No one is as vested in my life

as I am.

WHAT IS THE RICHEST


SINGLENESS TODAY?

Iget to be a friend to so many people,and I get to have so many friends. Inmy experience, singleness is not synon-

ymous with aloneness or loneliness. It

can be rich, full, and generous. There are

times when I wish I were married, when

I wish I had a partner-in-crime. (She

laughs.) But overall, Im sure of Gods

goodness. As Paige Brown once wrote,

I may meet someone and walk down

the aisle in the next couple of years be-

cause God is so good to me. I may never

have another date and die an old maid at

93 because God is so good to me. Not

my will but his be done. Until then, I amclaiming as my theme verse: If any man

would come after me, let him

A Single Serving

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