A PARENT’S GUIDE TO a New Baby · 2020. 9. 15. · 6 A PARENTS GUIDE TO A NEW BABY Craig and...

A P A R E N T ’ S G U I D E T O

a New Baby

© 2020 Christian ParentingAll rights reserved. Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.comThe “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

@[email protected]

CHRISTIANPARENTING.COM

C H R I S T I A N PA R E N T I N G

A P A R E N T ’ S G U I D E T O

a New Baby

C R A I G & R A C H E L D E N I S O N

Table ofContents

6 ABOUT THE AUTHORS

8 INTRODUCTION

11 HOW TO USE THIS WORKBOOK

128 LET’S PARTY!

132 ABOUT CHRISTIAN PARENTING

W E E K 1PAGE 12

W E E K 2PAGE 42

W E E K 3PAGE 70

W E E K 4PAGE 98

1 2 3 4

A higher calling

Suffering and self-care

Embracing imperfection

Marital health with a new baby

6 A PARENT 'S GUIDE TO A NEW BABY

Craig and Rachel Denison have been married since June of 2012 and have two young boys, Wesley and Wells. They live in Dallas, Texas, and spend their days enjoying their kids, cooking, watching The Office, reading, and creating music together.

Having raised two very different babies as two very different parents, Craig and Rachel have experienced a myriad of emotions and stresses, highs and lows. Together, they share their collective experience to equip new parents with not only practical tips but also heart wisdom for the tough and beautiful days ahead.

Craig is the CEO of Denison Ministries and author of First15, a daily devotional guiding over a million believers into a fresh experience with God’s presence every day. Rachel is a part-time, stay-at-home mama and part-time content contributor for various websites and blogs. The Denisons write, speak, and lead worship with the goal of helping believers establish a more tangible, meaningful connection with God. Check out their devotional work by signing up to receive First15 every morning for free at First15.org and by engaging with First15 on social media.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

F O R M O R E P A R E N T I N G R E S O U R C E S F R O M C R A I G A N D R A C H E L

A N D O U R L A R G E R T E A M O F C H R I S T I A N P A R E N T I N G V O I C E S ,

V I S I T C H R I S T I A N P A R E N T I N G . O R G .

A PARENT’S GUIDE TO A NEW BABY

HARD AND GOOD

If becoming a new parent is at odds with any cultural “truths,” it’s at odds with the notion that hard and good cannot coexist.

In life, we naturally strive for the easiest paths to happiness and fulfillment. I (Craig) know I do. I love shortcuts or life hacks for doing the dishes, streamlining meetings, cooking, laundry, travel, waking up, and working out. Have a tip that’s going to give me more easygoing and enjoyable experiences in life? I’m all ears!

But I discovered something in the process of becoming a parent, a principle that has honestly changed everything for me: hard and good are not mutually exclusive. In fact, in those things that matter most, in those things that are most deeply enjoyable, those parts of life that produce the truest and purest forms of fulfillment and pleasure, hard and good are intimately connected.

In case no one in the past five minutes has told you that having a baby is hard, let me tell you: having a baby is hard. Sidenote: Why do people feel the need to tell you how hard having a kid is when you’re pregnant? Like, when we were pregnant with both our boys, Rachel constantly had people—complete strangers—warning her how hard parenting is. It is a wonder pregnant women don’t blow up on people on the daily . . . God bless them.

But having a baby is also good—wonderfully, deeply good. Children unearth a joy that cannot be felt apart from parenthood. In ways beyond measure, they declare the wonder, beauty, and chaos of humanity. They declare the intimate nature of God’s creative abilities. They speak volumes of wisdom that run deeper than words. Children are deeply, painfully, and wonderfully hard and good.

C O N T I N U E D


HOLDING L IFE IN ITS

MOST VULNERABLE

FORM, COUNTING ITS

TOES AND FEEL ING ITS

HEART BEAT, DEEPENS

OUR UNDERSTANDING

OF UNCEASING,

STEADFAST, INHERENT

LOVE. BABIES OFFER

NOTHING AND YET

REQUIRE EVERY THING,

MUCH L IKE YOU AND ME

WITH GOD.


A STORY FROM JESUS

Jesus offers us a story in Matthew 13 that serves as a great metaphor for parenting.

Jesus tells us that a farmer cast seed on four types of ground: a path, rocky soil, soil with thorns, and on good soil. And, as you might expect, each recipient of the seed had poor results except for the good soil. When describing the good soil, Jesus offered these words: “As for what was sown on good soil, this is the one who hears the word and understands it. He indeed bears fruit and yields, in one case a hundredfold, in another sixty, and in another thirty” (v. 23).

Becoming good soil is a lifelong endeavor. Being the type of person who is always looking for and receiving the seed God is seeking to plant, cultivating those seeds, and bearing exponential fruit requires self-awareness, humility, forgiveness, conversation, and, ultimately, hardship.

More than marriage, discipleship, church, or work, having a baby can tear open the hard soil that has been built up over the years or decades and create space in us for God to transform, redeem, and fashion us into his likeness.

Needing to care for another life matures us. The leadership, time, money, and love that parenting requires stretches us, increasing our capacities. Holding life in its most vulnerable form, counting its toes and feeling its heart beat, deepens our understanding of unceasing, steadfast, inherent love. Babies offer nothing and yet require everything, much like you and me with God.

CHRISTIAN PARENTING 99CHRISTIAN PARENTING

WILL YOU SAY YES?

Our desire for this book is to simply help you say yes to the work God already desires to do in and through you in this vital season of preparation.

Disclaimer: There is no way to be fully prepared for becoming a parent. It is categorically different than anything else in life and requires too many lessons and skills that only experience can teach. But, we do believe that there are ways God would seek to prepare his people for parenting that too few of us say yes to.

When we were pregnant with our first, Wesley, we spent almost all of our free time seeking to learn how to practically survive and thrive while having a newborn. But we spent far too little time preparing for the depth of spiritual insights and wisdom God wanted to provide. We didn’t spend enough time soaking up all of the intentionality and purpose God has behind the growth of families.

So our hope is that this book will simply serve as a guide to help you grow practically and spiritually in your awareness of your dreams and fears, as individuals and as a couple, and ultimately help you say yes to what God is asking of you as you welcome a new baby into your world.

Across the coming days, we pray that you will sense God’s presence, understand yourself and your spouse more deeply, and walk out of this season of preparation ready and encouraged for all of the good, hard things that await you with a beautiful baby.

Thank you for saying yes to this book. May you hear the yes God is speaking over you every day as you read it.

In this with you,

Craig and Rachel Denison

A PARENT’S GUIDE TO A NEW BABY

How to use this workbook

SHORT LESSON

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

GUIDED PRAYER

NOTES

5 DAYS A WEEK

God has hand-selected both of you to parent this new baby. No one else but you two. And he promises to prepare you and walk beside you every step of the way!

We hope that this will be a journey you both take together. The goal is to help you feel practically and spiritually prepared to welcome a new baby into the world—well, as prepared as you can be! But, most importantly, this workbook is meant to bring you two closer together as a couple and a team. The daily challenge is to keep your hearts soft and communication lines open as you make your way through these next four weeks.

In this workbook we cover some of the highest felt needs of this new season you are walking into as a couple:

Week 1: Suffering and self-care

Week 2: Embracing imperfection

Week 3: Marital health with a new baby

Week 4: A higher calling

Each week begins with a short introduction to the theme of the week. From there, we dive into daily topics ranging from practical tips to deep issues of the heart. There will be a short

HOW TO

lesson each day to cover some of our experiences as parents, the ups and downs and everything in between.

Next we have provided some discussion questions that are meant to be—you guessed it—completed together. Take your time, dive deep, and allow God to do a meaningful work in each of your hearts as you prepare for this new human to enter your lives. We have even provided some space to write your thoughts and plans!

Each day ends with the most important part of this whole journey: guided prayer. We long for this workbook to not only be informational but also experiential and transformational for you both. And transformation will only happen if God is involved. Invite him into this space and time as a couple. Rest in his presence and allow him to still your fears and insecurities. Allow him to equip, strengthen, and encourage you both as a couple. You two are the right people for the job ahead!

May this four-week journey play a small role in helping you both feel excited and ready for what’s next. We are so thrilled for you as you embark on this adventure.

Let’s get started!

1 W E E K O N E

S U F F E R I N G A N D S E L F - C A R E

W E E K O N E

S U F F E R I N G A N D S E L F - C A R E


INTRODUCTION

“If you stay in awareness and conversation with yourself, your spouse, and your God, you will find the season that is to come to be one of the most life-giving and rewarding experiences of your life.


15CHRISTIAN PARENTING

As Rachel and I sat down to pray and plan for what God might want to say in a workbook to parents preparing for a new baby, a week dedicated to suffering and self-care immediately stood out to us.

When a baby is born, so much attention (at times, all of the attention) goes to the baby. It’s like your whole universe condenses to this one human being. It’s like your world gets a new sun around which the rest of your life orbits.

But a new reality quickly sets in: You cannot give this child what you do not have. Your ability to care for another human while ignoring your own needs can only last for so long until the quality of life and experience for everyone involved begins to diminish.

Unfortunately, the best time to figure out a rhythm for caring for yourself, for each other, and for your new baby is not when the baby arrives. From its very first breath, it will wonderfully, cutely, and wholly ask for everything you have to give. The right time to decide on a rough framework for how you want to care for yourself and each other is right now, as you are preparing for the arrival of the child who will change everything, at least a little, forever.

Rachel does a beautiful job of providing five foundational ways to balance caring for yourself and caring for your little one. And as you dive into everything God might want to teach you both across this week, know that one factor is most important: every person, couple, and family is different.

How you help yourselves and your child sleep will not be the same as everyone else. How you divvy out tasks and structure family roles will be different. What is most important for you in caring for yourself and your spouse will not be the same as everyone else, and

that’s okay! There is a scary but empowering reality that God has a unique plan for you and your family.

We hope that you learn from us. We hope that you learn from Scripture. We hope that the families you grew up in and the families you’re surrounded by will provide a helpful and important model for how you will structure your family.

BUT, AT THE END OF THE DAY,

YOUR FAMILY IS WHOLLY AND

UNIQUELY YOUR OWN.

The opportunity within this week, and within this book, is not just to read the content but also to prioritize prayer and conversation with one another. Make a plan, then hold it as flexibly as possible. Allow God to speak now and allow him to continue to speak in the coming days and years.

If you stay in awareness and conversation with yourself, your spouse, and your God, you will find the season that is to come to be one of the most life-giving and rewarding experiences of your life. You’ll look back on it with the fondest of memories. You’ll find yourself lying awake together, looking back at pictures and videos, and wishing you could relive it all, even as hard as it was.

In openness to yourself, one another, and your heavenly Father, may God meet you in ways more present and more powerful than you could have imagined across these five days—for his glory and your good.

Amen.

15CHRISTIAN PARENTING


D A Y 1

SCRIP TURE

I don’t think anything can prepare you for the actual lack of sleep you experience in the early months of parenting. The first few days and weeks become a blur from sheer exhaustion. Of course, there are the truly blissful newborn snuggle moments to look forward to, but the transition from catching peaceful Z’s to semi-sleep deprivation is a draining unlike I had ever experienced in my life. Some of the strangest, most pointless fights in our marriage happened in the middle of those long, sleepless nights. We still laugh about them to this day.

You and your partner are both going to be stretched beyond belief, and it’s best now to talk about it, set expectations, and make a plan for how you will care for each other and yourselves.

Sleep is funny because you are truly not yourself in the midst of a deep sleep. Your brain is not firing on all cylinders, and literally anything could come out of your mouth without any regard to how it could affect the people closest to you.

Sleep, or lack thereof

RACHEL

“If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet.”

—John 13:14

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” —John 15:13

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

—James 1:2–4

CHRISTIAN PARENTING 17

I will never forget one night in particular: I was up nursing our firstborn, and Craig had fallen back asleep. As part of our usual routine, I attempted to wake him up so he could put Wesley back in his crib. It seemed like nothing I did could rouse Craig from the depths of his slumber. I was so tired myself that, in between attempts, I nodded off multiple times while sitting up with the baby on my chest.

I would yell his name and get in response, “Hmph! Ten more minutes.”

To which I would begrudgingly agree to and nod back off. Startling back awake for the last time, I shouted, “Craig, WAKE UP!”

And his response? You guessed it: “Ten more minutes.”

To which I snapped, “Craig, I already gave you thirty more minutes! Get up!”

Craig was finally roused enough, but still not quite awake. He jumped out of bed, with a grumbling attitude more like Napoleon Dynamite, and said, “Ugh! That’s exactly what I needed!” He was referring to the “ten minutes” (thirty-plus minutes) I had just given him (insert eye roll).

We still laugh now every time we share that story, but, in the moment, I was livid. That next morning, I woke up to Craig smiling sweetly, but I was still seething from his late-night response. I decided I needed to bring it up, and, guess what? He had literally no memory of any of it! At that point, all we could do was laugh, and laugh really hard, at what a grump he was in the middle of such a deep sleep. I saw that his intentions were never to be hurtful to me. We reconciled and let it go.

In the early days, you’ll live in a tension between making sure you maintain your own mental health while also monitoring and having grace for your

spouse’s mental health. There will be arguments. You will each need to learn to talk it out, reconcile, and then let things go. Allow for God's grace to prevail, all while fighting hard to serve and look out for each other’s needs. Remember: This is a momentary season. Even though at times it will feel like you might never sleep again, you will!

All throughout this week, we’ll be exploring this balance between suffering and self-care, saying yes to the tension of giving of yourself and caring for yourself. That’s why we cover sleep first: it could very easily be the most important way you will be able to care for yourself and your marriage in this coming season because it is literally what will keep you sane.

One of the most important pieces to remember in the middle of the night is that your lack of sleep isn’t without great purpose. There is a depth of meaning and goodness in the groggy night feedings. Whether you're breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, you are literally giving life to your precious baby. You are laying down your life for theirs and building a foundation for how you will parent them for the rest of your life. There is a great transformation happening in your heart as you become a parent; I’m sure you feel it even now. God uses our little ones to sanctify and transform us into the image of his beautiful, selfless Son. And it starts right at the beginning, even with sleep or lack thereof.

YOU WILL EACH NEED TO

LEARN TO TALK IT OUT,

RECONCILE , AND THEN

LET THINGS GO.


In the midst of serving your baby, you will also have the opportunity to serve your spouse like never before. Each of you will be pushed to your limits. As in any stage of marriage, communication is key. It is so important to communicate with one another when you’ve reached that limit. If you’re not yet totally comfortable asking for help or communicating your needs in your marriage, now is the time to

practice that before you’re sleep-deprived and stuck in a rut. Asking for help from your partner and feeling the freedom to ask them to get up with the baby when you simply can’t is crucial.

Parents who thrive in the newborn season are the ones who are eagerly looking for ways to serve one another. Romans 12:10 says to “outdo one another in showing honor.” Honoring one

another is genuinely the best way to walk through this season together. You can only know how to honor one another if you commit to communicate in this season before baby and when you bring baby home!

There is a myriad of sleep research, resources, and opinions. Many are great, but it’s all about finding what fits and feels right to your family. I’m sure you’ve heard it said, “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” And let me tell you, take that saying seriously! Yes, you will have the wonkiest sleep schedule of your life, but you won’t regret the sleep you will catch in those glorious pockets between feedings. But, the reality is, you’re coming up on sleepless nights and exhausting days. There’s no way around that. This next season will be so stretching regardless of how prepared you are (though we highly recommend researching and becoming prepared!). It’s time to set expectations on

the front end of this and create a plan to care for one another and yourselves in the midst of it.

The Bible says of God in Isaiah 40:11, “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.” Most importantly, know that on this new, challenging, beautiful journey, God is with you, in your midst. He is our Good Shepherd, guiding us in uncharted territory, carrying us close to his chest. He is gentle with us as we learn to navigate this new sleep-deprived time as a family. And it is of the utmost importance we are also gentle with ourselves and each other.

God’s grace covers it all. The sleepless nights, the pain of nursing, the frustration when things don’t go according to our plan—they are all covered in his grace. So, at the foundation of this journey, choose together to make your family and home one built firmly on and saturated in grace.

“God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” —2 Corinthians 9:8

“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”

—Ray Romano

RESOURCES

BOOKS

Moms On Call Basic Baby Care: 0-6 Months, by Laura Hunter and Jennifer Walker

On Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep, by Gary Ezzo

WEBSITES

Little Lamb Childhood Sleep Consultants, SleepLittleLamb.com



1. What are your biggest fears surrounding sleep? How many hours of sleep do you feel like you need to function?

2. What do you see being the main roadblocks to you choosing to sleep when the baby sleeps? Examples: insomnia, not being able to fall back asleep, wanting to watch TV or veg out, needing to work. Is there a solution you two can try out?

3. Do we want to have a set schedule and try to sleep-train? Or do we want a baby-led schedule?

4. Are we both willing to get up in the night on a consistent basis?

5. After paternity/maternity leave is over, how will you both handle waking up in the night?

6. How can we lay a foundation of grace for the no-sleep, grumpy moments?

7. Do you feel comfortable asking your partner to help with something even if it will inconvenience them? If not, why? Take some time to journal your fears surrounding this. What language can we use to best communicate our wants and needs?

8. Do we want to have set responsibilities and expectations? For example, dad gets up and gets the baby, changes their diaper, and brings them to mom to nurse? Or, mom and dad take turns getting up to make formula bottles in the night?


GUIDED PR AYERNOTES

1. Take a moment to ask God to prepare you for the hard, sleepless moments that are to come.

2. Take a moment to pray for your spouse over the challenges they’ll face in the coming months.

3. If you’re comfortable, hold hands and take turns praying aloud over one another.

In the coming months, give us Grace that sustains us,Love that connects us,

And hope that carries us.

Give us the strength to care for one anotherEven in the midst of needing care ourselves.

Most of all, meet us in the sleepless momentsWith your nearness and kindness,

And use those moments to make us more like you.

Amen.


D A Y 2

RACHEL

SCRIP TURE

Marriage, the secret ingredient

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

—Ephesians 4:2–3

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

—1 Corinthians 13:4–7

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

—Ephesians 5:21

I knew I loved Craig before having kids. But I could never have imagined how much I could love him and feel connected to him after having kids. Watching your spouse become a mommy or daddy is the sweetest thing in the entire world. Not only that, they helped give you the greatest little gift you will ever receive.

You and the person you love most in the world are making a human that is both of you combined. It’s truly miraculous and unbelievable. Not to be bossy, but stop and celebrate that together, right now!

Okay, after that mini-celebration, let’s talk some truth. Having children will bring out things in both of you you’ve likely never seen before. While it is the sweetest blessing and most fun you guys will have, it is also going to be the most straining paradigm shift you’ve probably ever experienced as a married couple. Having a child changes everything. It will enhance and strengthen all the ways you’ve already been


HAVING A CHILD CHANGES EVERY THING. I T WILL

ENHANCE AND STRENGTHEN ALL THE WAYS YOU’VE

ALREADY BEEN SERVING AND LOVING EACH OTHER,

AND IT WILL EXPOSE AND MAGNIFY ALL THE SELF ISH

PL ACES IN YOUR HEARTS.

serving and loving each other, and it will expose and magnify all the selfish places in your hearts. Keeping your marriage at the forefront of your priorities and attention is the secret ingredient to a happy, healthy family.

While both of you will be entirely focused on the needs of this tiny human, there will be times when both of you feel overlooked by the other. You are adding a whole other person to this equation, and that little person happens to need absolutely everything done for them. There is this great shift that happens when two become three, or three become four, as your family beautifully expands. While life looks drastically different, you must not neglect the two of you that started this journey together.

We all know pursuing each other is crucial to the health of a marriage. As a couple, you are going to now have to create a new normal. Life will literally never be the same as it was before. While you could once give all of your attention to one another, this tiny human will now take a massive amount of your capacity and care. Together, you must create a new normal for pursuing each other, even in the midst of life with children, and especially with a newborn.

One of the best ways to keep the connection alive with your spouse is to plan for regular date nights away while someone watches your baby or children.

You will by no means have date nights as frequently as you can now, but we are talking about setting up at least one monthly rhythm to leave the house alone together, even if it’s for a short amount of time. It’s important to decide on a plan ahead of time, because, believe me, the days will get away from you once the baby is here. Talk to the grandparents and see if they would be willing to set up monthly rhythms to watch the baby. If they are not available to help, start looking for babysitters now. Ask around and take the time to find someone you trust. (Pro tip: Start normalizing your baby with a bottle as soon as you feel comfortable. Knowing your baby will happily eat from a bottle while you’re away is the peace of mind you will need to leave for a couple of hours to go enjoy dinner with your spouse.)

This is a lot of work. All of it is. We recognize that. But it is well worth your effort. Get grandparent buy-in now. Get babysitters locked down. Decide now to figure out normalizing a bottle, and know that it is okay for the sake of a thriving marriage.

Now, onto the elephant in the room: SEX!

We would be remiss if we didn’t mention sex and how that changes during these first several months after baby. Sex is obviously an extremely important aspect of marriage; it’s something God made and intended for connection. A healthy sex life only


RESOURCES

BOOKS

7 Days to a Stronger Marriage: Grow Closer to Your Wife Than Ever Before, by Dave and Ashley Willis

7 Days to a Stronger Marriage: Grow Closer to Your Husband Than Ever Before, by Dave and Ashley Willis

WEBSITES

Dad Tired Ministries, DadTired.com

Risen Motherhood, RisenMotherhood.com

Awesome Marriage Podcast, AwesomeMarriage.com/podcast

strengthens and supports a healthy marriage. But, as you can imagine, it will be a sensitive subject in the coming days.

Foundationally, we want to note that it’s important for mom to give your spouse updates on how your body is healing after childbirth. Whether due to a vaginal birth or C-section, your body will be going through a lot. Mom, you will have to be the driver on when and how to reintroduce sex. It’s crucial to openly communicate your needs to each other without any pressure. Together, you will need to have honest conversations about wants and needs in a way that is loving and supportive. But we want to reiterate that, in this delicate season, it’s our belief that the mother should be the decision-maker for the times and ways in which you’re intimate together.

Phew! Glad that part is over. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Another important dynamic to consider is how you saw marriage modeled in your parents while you were a child. How did they share responsibility in caring for you and/or your siblings? How do you imagine they handled parenting while you were a baby? How did they foster their own relationship while having children? And how might your experience with your parents be creating assumptions and expectations for you and your spouse as you venture into having a child of your own? For better or worse, this is going to influence your marriage and parenting styles, so it’s a huge aspect to be aware of and address on the front end.

Your marriage is going to blossom and shift in amazing ways over the next year. And simply knowing some of these coming changes and discussing them ahead of time is only going to help make things smoother. With Christ at the center of your marriage, you both will remain strong and steady through the coming challenges. “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

We love this quote from Dave Willis: “Great marriages don’t happen by luck or by accident. They are the result of a consistent investment of time, thoughtfulness, forgiveness, affection, prayer, mutual respect, and a rock-solid commitment between a husband and a wife.”

Now is as good a time as ever to recommit to serve, tend to, honor, and forgive one another. In parenting, teamwork really does make the dream work. Fighting for each other and making sure the other has what they need ensures your own needs will be met. You two are on the same team, no matter how hard things get. Keep investing, keep loving, and, most importantly, keep Christ and his great example of love right at the center.



1. How would you rate the current health of your marriage on a scale of 1–10? Why did you choose that number?

2. What are you most nervous or fearful about in your marriage with children entering the picture? Are you willing to have a respectful, vulnerable conversation with your spouse about those fears?

3. In what ways do you feel especially pursued well by your spouse? What is a small but thoughtful rhythm you could set to pursue each other? For example, how often do you want a date night in the newborn season?

4. Write down five ways each of you would love to be pursued going forward, then exchange them and discuss.

5. Wives, are you willing to speak openly about whether or when you are ready to try for sex again after having your baby? Husbands, are you willing to wait patiently and honor your wife’s physical needs?

6. How might the context of how your parents raised you and shared their duties be informing your expectations and assumptions for your family and marriage? Share about how your parents cared for, or didn’t care for, their marriage and you and/or your siblings.

7. What assumptions do you have about gender roles with children? What expectations do you have for yourself and your spouse? What things might you want to do differently? The same?


GUIDED PR AYERNOTES

1. Begin by praying for your spouse, thanking God for how they are uniquely wired and for the gift of raising a child together.

2. Now pray for wisdom in how to continue cultivating your marriage and for unique ways to show your spouse that you love them even when time and energy are stretched thin.

3. Commit your marriage afresh to God. Ask for his blessing, wisdom, joy, and peace. Ask him to flood you both with his Spirit and grace. Invite him into this four-week journey with you both.

Heavenly Father,Thank you for the gift of marriage.

Every day with you reveals what it meansTo love one another well.

Humble us, Lord, before you and one another. Teach us to care for one another.

Teach us how to better communicate our needs. Reveal the ways in which you are weaving the story

Of our marriage into your greater story.

Come, Holy Spirit. Bear the fruit of love, gentleness, patience,

And joy in the midst of any challengesThat come our way.

We love you. We trust you.

We thank you.

Amen.


RACHEL

SCRIP TURE

D A Y 3

It takes a village

I have always been more extroverted than Craig. I highly value connection in friendships, and having a baby was really hard on me in that regard. You crave connection more than ever, but you also simply don’t have as much time or energy to invest in it.

Right before Wesley was born, and shortly after, my three best friends did the unthinkable and all moved across the country—far enough that I would rarely see them at all. This would have been hard on me on a regular day, but it was especially hard as a new parent. I felt so alone. Of course, I had Craig, my very best friend. But I have always been more of a seven-best-friends kind of girl!

To make matters worse, I had horrible complications after my first birth that left me in bed for a long time. At times, the loneliness felt like a dark heaviness that I’d never come out from underneath. It felt like no one could possibly understand what I was going through, since none of my closest friends were having

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

—Hebrews 10:24–25

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!”

—Ecclesiastes 4:9–10

“Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

—Galatians 6:2


kids yet. I cried out to God, asking, “Lord, you see my heart. You know how badly I need friends, not only to talk to, but also spend time with. Will you please provide friends for this new season of life?”

Ask and you shall receive! It wasn’t long after that prayer that, by the sovereignty of God, I met two moms at a nail salon who lived on the same street as me and had babies the exact same age as Wesley. We were fast friends. Soon, they invited me to join a local mom’s group at their church, where I found myself in a room with all new, first-time moms who mostly lived within walking distance to my home.

I cannot overstate the blessing and safe haven those moms were and still are for me. It’s like God threw me a lifeline, and I was no longer alone. The constant support when I was feeling low and the celebration they offered in my progress and healing were invaluable. Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ,” and that is just what these women did for me in such a painful and sometimes burdensome season.

Friendships in parenting are a massive aspect of self-care. Whether you are introverted or extroverted, you need meaningful friendships with

FRIENDSHIPS IN PARENTING ARE A MASSIVE ASPECT

OF SELF -CARE. WHETHER YOU ARE INTROVERTED OR

EXTROVERTED, YOU NEED MEANINGFUL FR IENDSHIPS WITH

PEOPLE WALKING THE SAME ROAD AS YOU.


RESOURCES

people walking the same road as you. Not finding any community in your local nail salon? Try looking into new mom or dad groups at local churches in your area. Friends will sustain you, support you, and make you laugh in the midst of all the change.

Newborn days can be so lonely without other mom and dad friends to go on walks with, have over for coffee and playtime, or to simply spend time validating each other’s questions, burdens, and fears. I can’t tell you how many desperate texts we sent in those early days asking for prayer when sleep training was going miserably only to get a text back that they were in the same boat! Whether it's a hard day or an exciting milestone, parenting in community is so much more fun!

Even now, with Wesley being three and our youngest, Wells, being one, I desperately need playdates and time for a night out with my mom friends. Introverted Craig needs the same, just maybe not as frequently. It’s important that, as a couple, you spend time talking about how to practically live out your needs for adult connection. For us, it looks like Craig making space for me to have at least two monthly outings with my friends. Whether it's an intimate dinner with a couple of friends or a night out with the whole gang, these are rhythms I have made a point not to miss. They keep me going, fill my heart, and make me feel deeply known.

Mom and dad, do not underestimate the weight of loneliness when paired with postpartum hormones and overall exhaustion. Together, be watchful for each other. You may not notice it in yourself, but your spouse will, and they can suggest, “Hey babe, why don’t you go out with the girls for a glass of wine tonight? I will watch the baby.”

To this day, I still have to suggest to Craig, “Hey! Why don’t you text a friend and see if they want to get together and take the kids to the park?” And vice versa. We know that we always have each other’s back

when it comes to needing friend time. It is simple, but the result of socialization with friends who “get it” shifts everything.

God’s faithfulness in supplying us with meaningful friendships leaves me misty-eyed. (No joke, there are tears on my keyboard!) The parent couples we have found and share our lives with are now our best friends. Not only that, but now our kids are all best buddies too! It is the sweetest blessing I could imagine.

Begin praying now as a couple for meaningful friendships in this next season. Start looking around at your options for parenting groups at local churches. Work on becoming more intentional as you come across other parents in your neighborhood.

And watch God show up in amazing ways.

IN-PERSON GROUPS

International connection: MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) Group Search

Dallas, Texas: Square One at Watermark Community Church



1. Are you refreshed by being around friends? Or does that take energy from you? This is something very important to know about each other going into a season where your capacity is going to be more limited.

2. How often do you feel like you need face-to-face friend time? How can you set up rhythms to make that happen?

3. How can you practically advocate for your spouse's social needs in this new season?

4. If you don’t have a group of mom/dad friends to share life with, it may be that you’re meant to bring a group of friends together. Mom, are you willing to host monthly coffee hangouts with new mom friends? Dad, are you willing to gather a group of local dads for time together? What’s one way you could become more connected to other new parents in your local area or local church?

5. Discuss any dreams or hopes you may have of creating an open home for gatherings of close-knit friends. Dream together about what that could look like for your new family.

6. Set loose rhythms you’d like to work toward for time with friends after the baby comes. How can you work together to make it happen?

7. Do any of your nearby neighbors have children or babies? Is there anyone either of you have been wanting to get to know? How could you do that before the baby comes, even to have someone as simple as a walking partner? Commit to reaching out to those people who come to mind.


NOTES

1. Begin by thanking God for the gift of friendship. Reflect on the friendships Jesus cultivated with his disciples. Reflect on the times friendship has been a source of life for you in the past.

2. Now ask God for wisdom in how to cultivate friendships with a newborn. Whom do you believe God is calling you to spend more time with in the upcoming season? Ask the Spirit for ideas of how you can begin rhythms now that will carry you into the season that is to come.

3. Pray over each other’s friends. Commit yourself to helping your spouse get what they need in regard to time in social circles. Boldly ask God to provide you both with friendships that will bring joy to and ease this next season of life with children.

Father, thank you for the gift of friendship. Thank you that, in so many ways,

You never ask us to walk through this life alone.

Thank you first for the giftOf friendship with you.

Thank you, Spirit, that you know me,You love me,

And you never leave me. Teach me how to cultivate a deeper

Friendship with you.

Thank you for the gift of friendship with my spouse. Thank you for laughter, connection, activity, and fun.

Teach us to deepen our friendship as a couplein the season that is to come.

And thank you, Lord, for the giftof friendship with others.

Where I need new friends, Lord,provide them.

Where I need to go deeper with my friends,give me wisdom and courage.

I surrender self-sufficiency. I give up the need to have everything together.

And I open my life and my heartto make space for the meaningful relationships

you are giving me as a giftfor what is to come.

You are such a good Father. You are such a good friend.

Thank you, Lord.

Amen.

GUIDED PR AYER


RACHEL

SCRIP TURE

Self-care is baby careD A Y 4

The postpartum season can be likened in many ways to a black hole. You forget what day it is. You can’t remember the last time you showered. And you haven’t left the house in weeks. Don’t get me wrong: many aspects of this time are blissful. You are constantly snuggling a newborn baby and creating a beautiful parent-child bond, after all. But, if you’re not careful, it’s very much like being sucked into a timewarp.

An inherent expectation of adulthood is that you will take care of yourself, but what about when you’re busy taking care of somebody else? I spent an absurd amount of days forgetting to feed myself breakfast and lunch when Wesley was a baby. Thankfully, generous people were bringing us dinner, or else I would have forgotten to eat then too! For fear of leaving the baby for even a moment, I would forgo a shower until Craig got home. But, by the time that came around, I was too exhausted to get up from the couch, let alone spend time exercising or bothering with my hair.

“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”


“Focusing on yourself can help you shore up reserves of patience and control your temper.” —Jessica Elliott,

“Mommy Burnout, Part 2: Here’s How To (Really, Actually) Fix It”


The perceived and actual list of demands on a new parent can be debilitating at first. You’ve probably never in your life had to balance your own needs with every single need of another person before. It can be so challenging to know how to juggle this, but learning to care for yourself is something you need to value and figure out. Your personal needs are more important to your baby than you could ever imagine because, if you’re not healthy and thriving, your baby isn’t either.

So, for the sake of our children and marriage, we must take our self-care seriously. In a study on mommy

burnout, Katie Sardone, PhD and LPC, states, “Self-care is not selfish. It is crucial to maintaining your patience, your mood, your approach to every day—it is a human need.” Boy, have we seen this played out in our own lives. Trust us, one day you will find yourself thinking

that a ten-minute, uninterrupted shower is the same as a spa day!

It’s a fact: if you have not eaten, showered, or spent time outside on any given day, you will naturally be more irritable and on edge. These days will inevitably come, but setting up expectations for yourselves now will be crucial to keep you from burnout. Setting standards to hold each other to is a great way to avoid this lack of self-care. How often do you want to make sure you shower? How often do you want to make sure you brush your teeth? What about meals? I know this sounds childish, but when the time

comes, it will be so helpful to hold yourselves accountable to the life you all want together, even if it’s just basic hygiene!

You and your spouse will truly need to look out for each other in this area. Like we’ve said before, suggest to your spouse, “Hey, hun, why don’t you let me take the baby for a while so you can go take some time for yourself ?” I can honestly say there is no greater gift of love than those words! If you notice your spouse getting cabin fever, ask if they’d like to take a walk together with the stroller. Fight for each other’s wellness and everyone will be happier and healthier.

New normals will come. Remember to be patient with each other. For the mom, if you’re a major workout fiend, be patient with your healing body. You may need to settle for long walks rather than running every day. If you are the type of person who likes to have their hair and makeup done daily, just know lots of top-knots and yoga-pants days are headed your way. This season is short, but the days are long and require patience with the process. Enjoy it while it lasts, because those sweet days will be gone before you know it. Your life is changing for the better, and this new normal will be one you couldn’t ever imagine living without.

For the dad, it can be hard to know how to toe the line between caring for mom and the baby while also caring for yourself. For Craig, nursing hours in the middle of the night made him feel helpless since it was me who actually had to be feeding. Things like finding a new workout schedule, adjusting expectations at work, getting meaningful time alone with God, volunteering at church, and making space for friendships were really hard for him to figure out.

But, in it all, you cannot support your new family if you are not supporting yourself in the most important ways. I want to encourage you as a new dad to figure out what matters most to you, what you need to keep, and what you can give up (even if just

“Would you deprive your child of eating healthy foods, moving their bodies, getting enough rest, playing with friends, drawing, painting, reading, exploring, singing, dancing, or spending quiet time alone? Of course you wouldn't. So why would you deprive yourself of those things? Self-care is not selfish. Self-care is the belief that you are worthy of a healthy and joyful life.”

—Julie Burton, The Self-Care Solution


RESOURCES

for a few months) to be healthy for yourself and as supportive as possible to your family as you all find a new normal.

For Craig, that meant getting up early to get the coffee going so we could spend time reading, praying, and having meaningful conversation during morning nursing time, and then going to the gym once Wesley started taking regular naps during the day. At night, he would bring our baby to me to nurse, stay awake with me (most of the time), and then take him back to change his diaper and fall asleep.

That was our rhythm. The important thing is to find a rhythm that makes sense for your self-care and then try to be as flexible as possible with that rhythm as needs will inevitably change.

Some aspects of finding a new rhythm will have to be considered together, like home duties. You may need to fill a role you’ve never tried before, like cooking dinner and handling meal planning for a few months. I want to encourage you both to remain open to new roles in your marriage and not feel like you have to do absolutely everything you used to do around the house anymore. While most of the mom’s capacity could easily be soaked up with nursing in the early days, dad may need to be the one handling a lot of tasks around the house. Keep in mind: changes like

this will require loads of grace from both of you, especially when control issues arise. Craig and I still laugh over how much control I like to have over the organization of dishes in the dishwasher. (He just doesn’t do it right.) But, when you have zero capacity to do it yourself, you must relinquish control over how it is done.

Notice, appreciate, and praise your spouse for the ways they are serving your family. Choose to lift each other up in these days rather than nitpicking and tearing down. Remember, you are both trying to do your very best, and that’s all that really counts. Make space for the other person to get what they need to thrive, even if that’s thirty uninterrupted minutes alone to read and enjoy your beverage of choice. When you guys work together to serve and love one another well, you will come out of the newborn season stronger and more connected than ever before.

All of marriage is a give and take, picking up where the other is lacking, and the newborn days send this concept into overdrive. Protect yourselves from burnout by ensuring you’re taking care of and looking out for each other. Speak openly to one another and share your needs. You don’t have to be “supermom” or “superdad.” Just be authentically you, unapologetic in what it takes to feel balanced and healthy.

"SELF -CARE IS NOT SELF ISH.

I T IS CRUCIAL TO MAINTAINING

YOUR PATIENCE, YOUR MOOD,

YOUR APPROACH TO EVERY

DAY—IT IS A HUMAN NEED."

—KATIE SARDONE, PHD, LPC

BOOKS

Mommy Burnout, by Sheryl Ziegler

Dad Tired and Loving It, by Jerrad Lopes

The Self-Care Solution: A Modern Mother's Must-Have Guide to Health and Well-Being, by Julie Burton



1. What misconceptions do you have about self-care? Do you find it challenging to choose to do things for yourself? Do you find it selfish?

2. How well do you take care of your own personal needs now? As a couple, where do you currently lack in making healthy choices? What challenges do you think might arise once the baby is here?

3. What nonnegotiables for self-care would you like to set? Are there any goals you would like to set as a family for mental or physical health to work toward after the baby arrives?

4. What is something simple that gives each of you life? A hot shower or bath? Reading? Getting outside? Exercise? Gardening? Spa time?

5. Other than your spouse, whom could you ask to sit with the baby for an hour so you can get some time to recharge? This could be a grandparent, sibling, close friend, or a friend from church or work. Would you be willing to ask that person now if they’d ever be willing to do that for you once baby arrives?

6. Are you good at accepting help? If not, why do you think that might be? What internal hurdles do you need to overcome to be able to happily accept help and generosity from others?

7. Do you feel your marriage is a safe place to voice needs? Discuss this together. How could you go about making your marriage a safer place to speak freely?


GUIDED PR AYERNOTES

1. Reflect on Jesus’ command to love yourself in his great commandments. “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” —Matthew 22:37–39

2. Ask God for a perspective on his love and care for you. And decide to try to love yourself the way your heavenly Father loves you. Commit to valuing your own sense of abundant life, not just that of your child or spouse.

3. Pray love and care over one another. Commit to encouraging one another to find and keep those rhythms that will help each of you thrive in the season that is to come.

Heavenly Father,Thank you that you care more about how I’m doing

Than what I can do for you.

Teach me to care for myselfin the way you care for me.

Teach me to love myselfThe way you love me.

In the midst of sacrificing and surrendering myself,May I find life in you as I lose it.

May I gain joy, peace, and love in youAs I lay down my life on a daily basis.

And may I seek the standard of abundant lifeEven in the season that is to come.

Spirit, give me courage,Give me wisdom,

Give me discernment.

And give me love for myself, for you, and for others.

Amen.


SCRIP TURE

RACHEL

D A Y 5

Not so “quiet” time

Spending time alone with Jesus is the lifeblood of Christians. Craig and I believe this so much, we’ve made it our lives’ purpose to help Christians spend meaningful time with God every day.

We as human beings are not sufficient within ourselves, even though we often act like we are. Despite living in a do-it-all world, we will all eventually reach our limit and find ourselves thirsting again and again. That is why it’s essential for us to tap into the endless well of Jesus day after day. Christ says in John 4:13–14, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

Jesus promises to satisfy our thirst. He promises us springs of life. In the days ahead, you and your spouse will be pushed to your limits, and Jesus will be there every step of the way, throwing you a lifeline. The

“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

—Hebrews 4:14–16


question is: Will you choose to take it? Or struggle forward in your own strength? This will be a very real choice you’ll both have to make. Choosing to cling to Jesus for wisdom, kindness, grace, strength, and energy will be essential in the newborn days, when perhaps in other times of your life, it seemed you could “get by” without it.

The newborn season will radically change your dependence on God and rearrange the way you see and meet with him. The best part is discovering the grace readily available to you in every lack, every need, every hurt. When you bring your baby home for the first time, you can discover God’s nearness and help as you tap into and embrace the radical dependence you have on him.

In the years prior to having children, I loved spending hours in worship, prayer, and deep study of Scripture. It was all I wanted to do. I had been taught to spend thirty minutes to an hour a day having my “quiet time.”

As lovely as those days were, the thought of them now makes me giggle. It has been a long time since my “quiet time” was quiet. But that is the beauty of having children. Your life adjusts and looks very different due to these little ones. Your “quiet time” is no different.

I guilted myself for a long time after having children because my devotional time with God didn’t look like it did in college anymore. I felt like God was disappointed in me or like I wasn’t doing enough. In reality, time with God isn’t meant to be a checked box or a way to please God. Spending time with the Lord was and always will be primarily about connecting with God.

We often encourage people who are new to seeking God to figure out what it is that stirs their heart and to pursue that thing. We are all wired uniquely, and different disciplines of the Christian faith appeal to people for different reasons. And that is completely

THE NEWBORN SEASON WILL

RADICALLY CHANGE YOUR

DEPENDENCE ON GOD AND

REARRANGE THE WAY YOU SEE

AND MEET WITH HIM.


RESOURCES

okay! For me, the discipline that is most often an avenue for connection to God is worship. For Craig, it is currently meditation. These are the places we know we can always run to in order to find God and have our hearts quickly softened. Find what scratches your itch and scratch it, if you will. This is no different for new parents. If you are easily and quickly reconnected to God through prayer, pray! If it’s meditating on Scripture, meditate!

In the early days of survival mode, simply do what it takes for you and your spouse to encounter Jesus, be encouraged, and feel his nearness—because he is very surely with you. There is enough guilt and “shoulds” in this season that the last thing you need to do is feel guilty about your relationship with God. That is the absolute last thing he would want. Spending time with Jesus is meant to alleviate stress, not cause you more.

Another thing I like to encourage new parents with in this season is to take any time you can get. Become comfortable with the idea that time with the Lord looks different as a new parent. Look for opportunities to turn inward and seek God. While the baby is playing, turn on your favorite worship song and lift your heart. While nursing, put in your headphones and listen to an encouraging podcast or a Bible app reciting Scripture. Find a short devotional you love that you can pick up at any time and be filled with words of life. Steal back those fringe moments in the day and repurpose them for your soul to be renewed.

This is not one-size-fits-all, and it’s not a contest. Everyone encounters the Lord in different ways because we are all completely different people. Don’t even try to compete with your past self ! Drop the guilt at the door, because that’s truly not the gospel of Christ. Hold on to the promise of God’s presence, because his word never fails.

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” —Isaiah 58:11 (NIV)

“Is your own personal prayer life characterized by the simplicity, childlike candor, boundless trust, and easy familiarity of a little one crawling up in Daddy’s lap? An assured knowing that the daddy doesn’t care if the child falls asleep, starts playing with toys, or even starts chatting with little friends, because the daddy knows the child has essentially chosen to be with him for that moment? Is that the spirit of your interior prayer life?”

—Brennan Manning, The Furious Longing of God

APPS

First15: free, daily devotional with Scripture, worship, a devotional thought, and guided prayer. Find it via email, app, or podcast!

The Bible App: the Bible on your phone with the ability to have Scripture read aloud to you. You can find reading plans and devotionals too!



1. Is devotional time currently a part of your life and daily rhythm? Why or why not?

2. What spiritual practices are you most drawn to (e.g., prayer, meditation, worship, silence, service, confession, study)? Is there a spiritual practice that seems to always take you to a place of peace, humility, and connection with God quickly? Why do you think that is?

3. Do you have any guilt surrounding your relationship with God and having a devotional time? If so, where do you think that comes from? Take a few minutes to think about it.

4. What would you like your time alone with God to look like when the baby arrives? When would you want to make space to connect with God and in what ways?

5. Ask each other, “How can I help you get time with the Lord without making you feel guilty?” How can you help each other guard time alone with God when the baby arrives? Think about things like making coffee for each other, taking time to rock the baby, and taking the baby for a walk so it’s quiet.

6. Together, how can you foster a home filled with worship and God’s presence? Be creative! Write down some ideas together.

7. What rhythms and resources are you going to implement now? How do you see those rhythms changing or continuing when the baby arrives?


GUIDED PR AYERNOTES

1. Begin by thanking God for the availability of his presence. Confess any ways you are doing life apart from true connection to God. Ask God to make you aware of his nearness and rest in it.

2. Take some time in the presence of God to ask him why he wants to meet with you. What is it that God wants to do to help you thrive emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as you connect with him every day? How have you seen time alone with God benefit you in the past?

3. Take a few moments to commit yourself to prioritizing time alone with God in the coming season. With so many ways you can choose to spend your time, choose now to find a meaningful connection with God every day.

Heavenly Father,Thank you that you love to meet with your people.

Thank you that you’re not distantBut that, Holy Spirit, you are closer than my breath,

Closer than my skin.

Help me now to feel your presence.

Connect me to the wellspring of your love.

Renew within me a desire to meet with you,And reveal the ways you would have me experience you

Both now and when the baby arrives.

Thank you for the way your presence carries me,Even in the midst of life’s challenges.

Give me the courage and wisdom to guard my connection with you

And to keep it even in the changes that are to come.

For your glory and my good.

Amen.


“When you bring your baby home for the first time, you can discover God’s nearness and help as you tap into and embrace the radical

dependence you have on him.

2 W E E K T W O

E M B R A C I N G I M P E R F E C T I O N

W E E K T W O

E M B R A C I N G I M P E R F E C T I O N

44 A PARENT 'S GUIDE TO A NEW BABY44 A PARENT 'S GUIDE TO A NEW BABY

“So if there’s one thing, one posture to take as you prepare for having a new baby, it needs to be one of humility.

INTRODUCTION

45CHRISTIAN PARENTING 45CHRISTIAN PARENTING

I (Craig) struggle so deeply with my imperfections.

There are days that it feels like I spend all the energy I have just trying to convince people that I have my stuff together.

In a social media world, where our technology breeds comparison to someone else’s curated highlights, it can be so hard to feel like we’re enough.

And man, somehow having a kid makes it worse. I think all of us as parents want the best for our kids even more than we want the best for ourselves. So when I see this parent that has the nicer stroller, the comfier car, the better toys, the fitter physique, or the bigger house in the nicer neighborhood, I’ve found myself suffering from a sense of imperfection more than ever before.

Even just inside your family, having a baby brings you face-to-face with the reality of imperfection every day. It’s hard to feel like things are perfect when your kid has a massive blowout, and there’s poop all over him and your grocery cart in the middle of Trader Joe’s. And yes, that actually happened to us.

So if there’s one thing, one posture to take as you prepare for having a new baby, it needs to be one of humility. Accepting and even celebrating that you are imperfect parents, with an imperfect child, living in an imperfect world, is going to be the key to enjoying as deeply as possible the days that are to come.

Becoming comfortable acknowledging your shortcomings to yourself (and each other) and choosing to receive and give grace as much as possible and as quickly as possible are what will carry you forward into a loving, life-giving dynamic as a family.

So as you prepare for this week, think about those areas where you are still holding on to an expectation of perfection. Maybe it’s related to your fitness. Maybe it’s related to your performance at work. Maybe it’s your financial goals, or being a critical part of the social fabric of your community. Maybe it’s an area that would surprise you or your spouse.

Decide this week to be even a little more openhanded with those expectations as the unknown of having a new baby comes. And as you open your hands, know that you have a good God there to catch what falls and fill your hands with every good gift if you’ll let him.

The life before you, while messier, noisier, and a little less secure than you’ve had until this point, is richer and more beautiful than you could imagine when it’s lived with love as your goal and Love himself as your source.


D A Y 1

RACHEL

SCRIP TURE

Perfectly imperfect parenting

I’m pretty hard on myself—probably too hard. Craig is easier on himself, but me, I’m your textbook perfectionist. And I’m learning it’s the height of idolatry to even think I could or should achieve perfection. And yet, subconsciously, I still do.

I mean, I don’t go around thinking, “Oh, Rachel, you know, you really are perfect.” I see this idol of perfection when I am disappointed at my shortcomings or failures, surprised by my own selfishness or harshness, or unaware of my impatience and unfair standards. It comes out in the way I hurt others or am critical of myself.

Thinking back, I remember the tension I felt to be the perfect mom for my new baby. To have all the answers, use all the best, safest products, have them on the strictest schedule, feed them the healthiest food, get breastfeeding down just right—the list was never ending.

“Like a handful of sand thrown into the great sea, so are the sins of the flesh in comparison with the mind of God.”

—St. Isaac the Syrian

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.’”



I put immense pressure on myself with everything, especially in motherhood. I believe deeply in the work I am doing. Parenting my children is the most important thing I’ll do my whole life, but when I operate in perfectionism, I deny my humanity. I deny my pain. I deny my frailty. And ultimately and most importantly, I deny God’s grace.

Currently, I’ve been processing the immense pressure (and also guilt) I feel as a mom to get it all right for the sake of my beautiful boys. I so desperately want them to grow up to be thriving, kind, generous, patient, and gentle men. I am so worried I will be the reason they won’t.

Perfectionism looks a lot like control. Since having our boys, God has consistently spoken to us about the control we think I have over how they turn out. But the more we give in to the reality that he is ultimately in control, the more we are free to love and raise our kids the way he intended: perfectly imperfect in his

strength! When we resist our own weaknesses, our superb ability as humans to mess things up now and again, then the stress and pressure of parenting becomes insurmountable.

When we realize God is in control of the outcome, the pressure is off of us. (Sigh of relief.)

Can you two relate to this at all? Do you feel the impending weight of parenting to be too much to bear? We are here to help. Right now, turn to your spouse and say, “It’s okay to be imperfect!” The sooner we free ourselves up to embrace our imperfections, weaknesses, brokenness, and complete lack of control, the sooner we see that the grace of God is here to meet us. His power is made perfect in our weakest parenting moments.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so

THE ONLY WAY TO BE

FULLY HUMAN IS TO

FULLY LET GOD BE GOD.


RESOURCES

blow up from stress or burn-out. Let them know if you’re having a bad day. It is okay to be human. It is okay to be imperfect. The things you’ve gone through in life and are going through now help make you who you are as a parent. They are the lessons you’ll pass on. Give those feelings and experiences weight and let them matter. Show your family members what it looks like to apologize swiftly, because you will never get it all right.

And that is the key. To release yourself of the pressure to get it all right. You won’t. God will. I will say that again: GOD WILL. He will get it all right, friends. Let him fill the gap. Deep breaths, mamas and dadas. You guys are doing a great job. As we point our families to sweet Jesus, we will take our rightful place in his kingdom. And he will be on his throne.

that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.’” —2 Corinthians 12:9–10

Are you the type of person who boasts and is content in your weakness? If you’re anything like me, you try with all your might to hide and deny your shortcomings completely, let alone put them on display to boast about! Sure, it’s important to do your absolute best for your baby and work hard to be the best version of yourself, but more than any of that, I hope we catch that the point isn’t to be constantly fixing yourself, it’s the realization that you will never

be perfect. It’s time for us to change the way we see ourselves. It’s time to get off the hamster wheel of striving for perfection. The only way to be fully human is to fully let God be God. He isn’t putting the pressure on us to get it all right and be perfect parents, folks. So it’s time we do the same.

“He does not deal with us according to

our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities . . . For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.” —Psalm 103:10–14

Embracing the reality of your frailty and trusting God to be God is how you will be fully human in parenting. As you tap into your lack, hurt, imperfections, stress, and bad moods, allow it to shape who you are. Share your feelings with your children and each other, repent to them when you

“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.”

—Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

BOOKS

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, by Brené Brown

Present over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living, by Shauna Niequist



1. Discuss together what pressure you feel as a parent. Be open and share your burdens with one another. Where do you think these pressures are coming from? Are they healthy? Realistic? Get specific.

2. Do either of you beat yourself up about failures? Do you hold other people to the same hard standards?

3. Read Colossians 1:15–20 together. How does the preeminence of Christ give you peace knowing that everything is ultimately in his hands?

4. How could your imperfections be used for good in parenting? What can you teach your child by embracing imperfection?

5. If you don’t begin to embrace imperfection now as parents, how might this affect your child in the future? Write down potential effects or even ways you were each affected as children.

6. How do you both want to foster a grace-filled home going forward, for yourselves and for your children to grow up in? How might that change the course of their lives? List ways and be specific.

7. Agree to hold each other to realistic expectations. Agree to remind each other when you see the other operating under self-imposed, unrealistic expectations for themselves.


GUIDED PR AYERNOTES

1. Begin by meditating on the words of Paul that God’s “power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Invite God’s loving presence, and allow it to draw you to a place of true humility today.

2. Reflect on a time with God when it was through humility that you found peace and purpose. When has God come through in a relationship, at work, with a decision, or an opportunity to do more in and through you than you could do yourself?

3. Now ask God to continue to humble you both as you approach having a new baby. Commit to surrendering yourself to him, setting aside self-sufficiency and leaning on him as a couple. Be still in a posture of humility with God until you sense resolution at your core.

Jesus my Savior, my example,You left perfection to take on flesh.

With every breath, you embraced an imperfectionThat rewrote the story of humanity.

Here before you,I surrender the goal of perfection.

I surrender my need to be self-sufficient. I look to you for meaning and purpose

In vulnerability instead of self-sufficiency.

May I see my frame not as the problem,But as the solution

That in my weakness, you are made strong in me.

Your ways are higher,Your ways are better,Your ways are truer.

And I am ever grateful that Your love meets me, fills me, and empowers me

Right where I need it the most.

Amen.


D A Y 2

RACHEL

SCRIP TURE

Grace over all

In the last section, we shared about the importance of embracing imperfection, and the main reason for putting that first is because without doing so, we miss out on the glorious grace of God. And it is the grace of God that will fuel you through this next season. Until we embrace imperfection in ourselves, our baby, and our spouse, we can’t receive or extend the grace that is so needed. If we are operating out of assumptions that any of this will go perfectly right, we are going to be sorely disappointed, edgy, and exhausted beyond comprehension.

You may already know—or you soon will—that caring for a newborn while recovering from birth and trying to figure out nursing and sleep schedules is not for the faint of heart. It is just as hard as everyone tells you it will be, if not more. Your emotions and hormones are all over the place, and your heart is so full of love you think it’ll explode. Therefore, there are LOTS of tears. Craig and I can both say with all certainty that we’ve never felt so emotionally stretched in our lives as in the newborn days.

“And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.”

—John 1:16

“You then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus.”

—2 Timothy 2:1

“God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” —2 Corinthians 9:8

“Striving is stealing our joy, our moments.” —Jennie Allen, Nothing to Prove: Why We Can Stop Trying So Hard


However, we can honestly say that we have never felt the nearness, kindness, grace, and strength of God as intensely and consistently as we did then. This is likely because we’ve never been so dependent and humbled before. The reality and depth of our need for the voice, presence, love, and wisdom of God was so intense and felt in every moment of those early days. Looking back now, it’s such a sweet memory for us.

In parenthood, but especially in the newborn season, we were amazed at how we could tangibly feel the power of God working through us when we would cry out together in weakness. When either of us felt unable to care for Wesley, to love him well, God came swiftly to fill the gaps. But that’s the point—we must be willing to cry out to him, to turn to him, and ask.

As a couple, we stood on Isaiah 40:11 together in that season. “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom and gently lead those that are with young.” This verse came to life for us as

we turned to Jesus for wisdom and strength. He was endlessly faithful to carry us close and gently lead us as we learned to care for our sweet boy. God knows how difficult it is to welcome a new human into the world, and he has so much grace for you every single day, if you’ll partake of it.

When we receive the gentle grace of God for ourselves, we can then freely share that grace with others in our homes. Right now, whether you realize it or not, both of you probably have expectations for what your little one will be like—how they will act, how they might sleep or eat. And that is perfectly normal and fair. But like everything in life, you must hold those expectations loosely.

Your child will require just as much grace as you will as they begin to navigate life here on earth for the very first time. Baby will be used to life in your womb, being lulled to sleep by mom’s movements, and being fed with literally zero effort. Things are going to be very different for them in the outside world, and that is important to remember so that you are able to be filled with grace for them in this new adventure, too. No baby is perfect, so no, your baby is not broken if they don’t go perfectly with the flow.

It’s never too early to start to practice being open-handed with your expectations over your new baby.

“Grace believes the best about your spouse. It fights through the messiness of a particular moment or behavior and remembers that your spouse is a son or daughter of the Most High King.”

—Dr. Greg Smalley, Focus on the Family, “Giving Your Spouse Grace”

WHEN WE RECEIVE THE GENTLE GRACE OF GOD

FOR OURSELVES, WE CAN THEN FREELY SHARE

THAT GRACE WITH OTHERS IN OUR HOMES.


RESOURCES

If you begin now, in a few short weeks or months, you will be much happier with the baby you’ve actually been given than with the one you built up in your head.

In addition to grace for your newborn, grace for your spouse is absolutely crucial. You will both be going through an insanely challenging transition. Know that your spouse's “best” might look different from your own, but that doesn’t mean it’s not valid and that they’re not giving all they can. You and your spouse are wired differently. You knew that going into marriage, and it’s important to remember that now and allow space for that. Allow space for the other to process in the way that they specifically need to. The newborn season is literally survival mode for all of you, and each of you will react to it in your own way. Love each other well at all costs, extend grace constantly, and assume the best about each other first and foremost.

If you feel you’re simply not enough for this beautiful journey God is calling you to, I want to encourage you to reach out to God today. He never intended for us to do everything on our own, but he did promise his presence and grace, which make all things possible. Letting go of my own perfection and grasping for his fullness is the only thing that’s brought me peace in parenting. And thankfully, he continues to supply all my needs “according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)

Grace, grace, grace to you, brothers and sisters. This journey is a beautiful, bumpy one, but God’s grace covers it all.

BOOKS

Live in Grace, Walk in Love: A 365-Day Journey, by Bob Goff

Nothing to Prove: Why We Can Stop Trying So Hard, by Jenny Allen

LOVE EACH OTHER WELL AT

ALL COSTS, EXTEND GRACE

CONSTANTLY, AND ASSUME THE

BEST ABOUT EACH OTHER F IRST

AND FOREMOST.



1. Do you have grace for yourself? Do you tend to have grace for your spouse? Why or why not?

2. Do either of you find it hard to accept and actively receive the unmerited grace of God for yourself?

3. How were each of you raised? Were you in a grace-filled or legalistic household? What kind of expectations were you living under? Write down what it was like.

4. Do either of you have expectations of what your baby will be like? “Hard” or “easy”? A good or horrible sleeper? Write down those expectations.

5. Take some time together to release any expectations you might have of your new baby. Commit together to be open to whatever comes your way and to remind each other of the limitless grace of God.

6. Do you typically assume the worst or best in each other first? Be honest and vulnerable. This may be difficult to hear, but it is important to get this on the table, repent to one another if necessary, and listen to the true intentions of each other’s hearts.

7. Even if your spouse chooses to handle or process things differently than you, it doesn’t mean they’re doing things wrong. Do you tend to feel irritated by how your spouse differs from you? How can you release those feelings and see past them to your spouse’s true intentions?


NOTES

1. Begin by meditating on the generous grace of God, that in God you have a bottomless well of “grace upon grace” (John 1:16). Take at least a few moments to open your heart and hands to a present sense of God’s grace.

2. Where do you need grace today for yourself and as a couple? Ask God to illuminate a pathway to better embody a posture of grace, to lay down perfectionism, and pick up vulnerability and authenticity in him today.

3. Now ask God for a picture of what his grace looks like with a newborn. Where do you foresee yourself needing the most grace in the season that is to come? Is it with your communication, with your sleeplessness, with your extended family, or with your spouse? As an act of preparation, find one area you will need his grace the most with a new baby.

My heavenly Father,What would I do if all

Was not grace?

Where would I be if itWere not for your grace,

Present and working in my imperfection?

Forgive me for the timesI seek to be all I need

In and of myself.

Forgive me for the timesI refuse your grace

And strive instead of rest.

In my working,May I let all be grace.

In my feeling,May I let all be grace.

In my thinking,May I let all be grace.

And in my caring for this Little one that is to come,

May I let all be grace.

By and through your grace I pray.

Amen.

GUIDED PR AYER


RACHEL

SCRIP TURE

D A Y 3

The control trap

Control is a tricky illusion. I say “illusion” because we don’t truly have any of it. We trick ourselves into believing we do. We fight for it day in and day out. And the quest for it will leave you utterly exhausted. I like to think of the fight for control like a hamster wheel: a wasteful expense of energy without taking you anywhere. We could easily step off, but we typically don’t—which leaves us running in place for whole seasons of our lives without ever knowing it.

In parenting, you are given an invitation to let go when all you want to do is hold on as tightly as you can. Your children will constantly test your urge to white-knuckle as many things as possible. It could range from the smallest mess, like dirt on their clothes, to something more dangerous, like how fast they ride their scooter. The angst and anxiety that comes along with the urge to control your circumstances will eventually break you down.

With having a newborn baby, there will be many things that are really hard not to have full control over. Of course it is important to have hopes and goals, but it can be very challenging if you get there

“Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” —Proverbs 19:21

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.”

—Isaiah 40:28

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

—Philippians 4:6–7


and it doesn’t work out as planned. I have seen many parents go through a rough time when they had envisioned a certain circumstance to go one way, and it didn't end up panning out. Right now, practice surrendering these ideals you may have.

A perfect example of these “perfect” ideals is our birth plans. Again, great to plan, and dream, and wish, but I can’t tell you how many births I have seen go completely different than the parents had expected. You can either be completely devastated by this turn of events or flexible and openhanded with it, knowing the mother and baby’s safety are what’s most important.

There are so many areas in becoming parents that can present other sources of disappointment. Your child may not take to their sleep schedule. Craig and I can speak to this firsthand. We assumed Wells, our second born, would be just like Wesley. Wesley was an amazing sleeper and took to sleep training very easily! Wells could not have been more different. We would be up six times in the night trying keep him from waking up the rest of the family. Personally, because of the expectations I had, this devastated me. I could not control the way this little one slept, and it almost drove me completely nuts. I remember the frustration I felt toward Wells for not being able to get the hang of it, and for some reason could not let go of my ideal scenario until after a desperate call to a sleep consultant—I still thank God for that woman!

In addition to birth plans and sleep, it is hugely important now to accept that mom has no true control over her body’s ability to produce milk, if that is the direction you choose to go. Thankfully, I was able to nurse Wesley for a year, but Wells was completely different, and I could not keep up with his demand. I have had friends do literally everything right, but their milk never came in. I have seen friends be able to produce huge amounts of milk, all for their baby to have an allergy and need special formula. I don’t say all this to scare you, but to illustrate that the

list of possibilities is endless. Safeguard your heart now, choose flexibility, and make sure your baby is well-fed regardless of what they get to eat. This will be so crucial.

Those are some of the big examples of where releasing the need for control is extremely difficult, but there are so many minor ways we desire to have control and don’t. The good news is that there’s another way of living.

We learned previously that, “When we realize God is in control of the outcome, the pressure is off of us.” As parents, we are able to step off the hamster wheel of striving for control and choose the better way of trust and rest. Set, communicate, and work toward your goals, but don’t put your identity, the value and worth of your child, or your success as a parent in those goals.

It’s a daily choice in parenting to align our lives with the reality that God is in control. We are not. The most powerful vehicle for relinquishing control is prayer.

SET, COMMUNICATE, AND

WORK TOWARD YOUR

GOALS, BUT DON’T PUT YOUR

IDENTIT Y, THE VALUE AND

WORTH OF YOUR CHILD, OR

YOUR SUCCESS AS A PARENT

IN THOSE GOALS.


RESOURCES

Prayer enables us to realign our perspectives and emotions with his truth and allows us to actually trust and rest. One of our favorite verses says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6–7). As you release these anxious requests to God, entrusting them to his care, his peace that surpasses all understanding is his promise in return. There are no issues too big or too small for the care of God.

In the end, decide now to adopt a posture of flexibility. Choose now to continually place your trust in God’s sovereign control and power through prayer, and allow your soul to rest in that reality. It is not “the next best thing” for our cares to be in God’s hands, but it is the very best thing and the only way of peace. May God reassure you as you release control in this next season to him!

BOOKS

It's All Under Control: A Journey of Letting Go, Hanging On, and Finding a Peace You Almost Forgot Was Possible, by Jennifer Dukes Lee

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”

—Brené Brown, Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead



1. Would you say either of you have control issues? Or are you both the type of people who go with the flow?

2. What type of plans or ideals do you both have for the whole postpartum season? Birth? Nursing? Sleep?

3. Do you feel openhanded and flexible about these plans? Or do you deep down feel a pressure for them to go a certain way?

4. Do you believe that there is a “best” way for things to go? How would you feel if things went differently than you’d hoped or even than this “best” way? (i.e. breastfeeding, birth, sleep training, forming a connection with the baby)

5. Do either of you struggle with believing that God is truly in control? Do you often feel the need to take over and make things happen in your timing and way?

6. What types of rhythms could you set to realign yourself with the truth that God is in control? This is something we are constantly working on. We have found it helpful to have Post-it Notes in places we often find ourselves striving, like the kitchen sink when we feel the urge to stressfully clean the house to gain control. Set recurring alarms together to assess how you are doing and to remind each other to realign yourselves in truth.

7. Do either of you tie your identity into your ability to achieve? Are you willing to commit to unraveling this lie? If left to continue to grow and fester, how might this affect both of you in parenting?


GUIDED PR AYERNOTES

1. Take a moment to think through areas that you typically like to have control. Maybe it’s over your schedule, your sleep, the cleanliness or even noise level of your home. Where do you foresee needing the most grace when it comes to a loss of control?

2. Give God control over that area of your life right now. Begin in this moment to practice relinquishing control for the times you’ll need it the most.

3. Ask God to teach you how to have peace in the midst of uncertainty and joy in the unknown. Jesus modeled what it was like to live in the moment and find joy in purpose during even the most overwhelming of circumstances. Ask the Spirit to help you become more like Jesus in and through the days that are to come. And pay attention to any thoughts, words, pictures, or intuitions that come to mind as you rest in his presence.

Jesus,The way you relinquished control on the cross,

Even as God, even as the one, true King,Is something I will always struggle to fully grasp.

Even as I look around at humanity,How you rule with an open hand,How you offer grace and freedom,

Is something I struggle to comprehend.

Teach me to let go of control.

Holy Spirit, make me more like Jesus.

I set aside me need to control my situation,I set aside my need to control others.

Teach me to love even in chaosThat which I cannot control.

And as I open my hands and my heart,I know you are there to catch whatever might fall,

As ruler of all.

Amen.


RACHEL

SCRIP TURE

Help is goodD A Y 4

We are a self-made society, a pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps, grin-and-bare-it kind of people. Our culture applauds the independent and, in many ways, has made needing help of any kind a mark of laziness, as if “trying harder” was the solution to every problem. Struggling in school? Study harder! Trouble with your body? Exercise harder! Struggling financially? Work harder! When in reality, sometimes people just actually need help.

This independent mindset will not work in the newborn season. Accepting help from those who want to serve your family is actually going to get you both through this time. And the saying really is true—It takes a village.

When Craig and I came home from the hospital with Wesley, I remember having to adjust to accepting help and service. People wanted to bring us meals or coffee, clean my house, and hold the baby so we could shower and have some moments of reprieve. My initial instinct was always to tell them no and that I was fine. Whether you actually are fine in the moment or not, these generous gestures are what make this season more bearable and life-giving.

It’s easy to want to be Supermom and Superdad in those days. To look like you both have it all together, like you can both totally handle the demands that

“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever.” —John 14:16

“Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me! O Lord, be my helper!”

—Psalm 30:10

“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.”

—1 Peter 4:10

“Dependence starts when we are born and lasts until we die. We accept our dependence as babies and ultimately, with varying degrees of resistance, we accept help when we get to the end of our lives. But in the middle of our lives, we mistakenly fall prey to the myth that successful people are those that help rather than need. . . . But the truth is that no amount of money, influence, resources, or determination will change our physical, emotional, and spiritual dependence on others.”

—Brené Brown, Rising Strong


RESOURCES

this new baby is bringing into your life. Don’t kid yourselves. To not accept willing help is typically a form of pride trying to sneak in. The reality is that Supermom and Superdad don’t exist, and no one is expecting you to be them anyway!

When people want to go out of their way to bless you and lighten your load during those days, don’t stop them. Let people lavish love and help on your new family. Side note: if it overwhelms you, and you don’t want to be around people that day, ask if they could leave the meals or coffee at your door. But, if you are feeling resistance because you don’t want someone to feel burdened by you, it’s time to drop that mindset now.

If this is something you struggle with, start now to uncover the source of those feelings together. Do you feel unworthy of people’s time and service? Do either of you feel like you need to come off as capable? Have you been told somewhere along the way that if you would just work harder, you’d be able to do “_______”? Now is truly the time to begin to tear down pride and lies of any kind and to embrace humility and authenticity. You want superpowers? These will be your biggest superpowers in parenting going forward. Lack of pride and accepting the help you both need will be a blessing to you from day one of this new journey.

Neither of you will be able to do everything by yourself. And the best part is, you don’t have to! Part of being in the body of Christ is needing each other and serving one another in love. 1 Peter 4:10 says, “As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace.” Allow others to use their gifts of service for God. Through it you will learn what a blessing it is to be cared for in a challenging time, and in return, you’ll love to care for others in need going forward.

Let me say it again in case either of you missed it: help is a good thing. It is not a mark of laziness or being incapable. It will be important to become

comfortable with asking for help. If either of you are like me, this is not natural or something you’re good at. But it is so important you know you can raise your hand high and ask for assistance whenever you’re in need of a lifeline. There will be really hard days when the baby isn’t sleeping at night or napping during the day; they’re crying, and you don’t know why; your nerves are fried, and you can’t remember the last time you showered, let alone had a moment to yourself. When—not if—that time comes, it is time to call a friend. It is time to reach out to that person always offering to come hold the baby so you can nap.

I honestly can’t stay it enough. Do not grin and bear it. It is not a badge of honor to do everything by yourself and be miserable doing it. Call out to God. Speak up with your spouse. Phone your family and friends. People want to help new parents. You are not a burden. You are worthy of help.

May we learn to adopt David’s prayer as our own:

“I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.” —Psalm 121:1–4

I T IS NOT A BADGE OF HONOR TO

DO EVERY THING BY YOURSELF AND

BE MISERABLE DOING IT

BOOKS

Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, by Brené Brown



1. Asking for help: how does that concept make you feel? Talk through your initial reaction—physically, how did it make you feel when you read it? What thoughts come to mind?

2. What is the source of your feelings from above? Pride? Poor self-worth? An independent mindset? Can you think of when those feelings were planted? Who spoke them over you? Was it an event in your life?

3. Finish this statement: “If I were to ask for help, it would say ________ about me.” How does that sit with both of you? Is your answer accurate or true? Is it biblical? What does God say about your need for help? Discuss your responses together.

4. Do you have an image of Supermom or Superdad in your head? What does that superhero look like? List their attributes. Does this superhero seem attainable? Does it seem healthy and balanced?

5. How might asking for help make you a “super” mom or “super” dad? How might God want to turn your thinking around and reorient your perspective of needing help?

6. Together, make a list of tasks that will actually be helpful for you in the newborn season. Use this when people ask to help. Examples: taking your dog for a walk, dropping off a meal, making a grocery run, or babysitting for a date night. Do not be afraid to be clear with people about what your actual needs are.

7. Make a plan to ask for help together. Who will ask for what and when? You really will need to be clear with folks about when they should show up and how long they should stay. Advocate for yourself, your spouse, and your baby. Of course we want to break down any barrier that is keeping you from accepting help, but we want to protect against the opposite problem too. Have these conversations now and work together to define boundaries.

8. Who are the “safe people” in your lives who will happily help on a regular basis? Think of those people now in preparation for when the time comes to reach out. How often seems reasonable to have help? How much seems like too much?


GUIDED PR AYERNOTES

1. Take a moment to reflect on your current willingness to ask for and receive help. Are you someone who loves getting help from loved ones, or one who normally likes to be able to do things on your own?

2. Now take some time to allow a revelation to sink from your head to your heart, that God has never and will never expect you to be self-sufficient. Assume a posture of humility and rest in God’s desire to help you practically, emotionally, and spiritually.

3. Where do you foresee yourself needing the most help in the season that’s coming? And as a start, ask God to prepare you now to be willing to ask for and receive help in the days that are to come. To take a step further, how can you start asking for help more now to begin practicing a skill you’ll need when the baby arrives?

My God,When my world teaches me

That seeking help is a last resort,May I look to you for help at the start.

When my world teaches meThat weakness is failure,

May I see weakness as the placeWhere true success begins.

Every part of life is richerWhen I can sense you workingIn and through my weakness.

Father, I need your help. I cannot do this alone.

Everything good in me existsBecause it was in you first.

Mold and shape me through your helpInto a purer picture of love,

The One in whose imageI was made.

Amen.


RACHEL

SCRIP TURE

“He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities . . . For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.”

—Psalm 103:10–14

“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.”

—Psalm 90:12

DAY 5

Messy is okay

As we have already thoroughly established this week, I am a bit of an OCD, perfectionist, control freak. I like things a certain way. I like my laundry folded a certain way. I like the pillows on my couch specifically placed. I don’t want to step on crumbs on the floor. I hate a sink full of dirty dishes.

In this workbook, we are all about shattering stereotypes and unfair expectations. We want to alleviate both of you from unnecessary pressure. We want to settle your fears and help you tap into the peace of God that’s so readily available to you, and this one happens to be an uber practical way to tap into that peace. Take a deep breath . . . messy is okay. Not just okay—messy is a physical sign of the goodness of God, that your hands are too full snuggling the precious little gift he gave you to worry over having a spotless house.

"And this mess is so big and so deep and so tall, we cannot pick it up. There is no way at all!" —Dr. Seuss, The Cat in the Hat


Do not give up the precious moments of soaking up snuggles with your baby for the sake of cleaning up your house before your mother-in-law comes over. Rest assured knowing your priority is elsewhere and your capacity is rightfully soaked up in the most important thing—bonding with and caring for your newborn baby.

Certain things are just going to have to be let go. And that’s perfectly fine. As we talked about previously, neither of you can do it all. Do not expect yourselves to be able to keep up with all your previous home duties while at the same time giving your baby all your attention and care. It’s not realistic or fair to expect this of yourself or your spouse. Craig and I didn’t touch our landscaping for a whole year after Wesley was born. And then the same thing happened after Wells was born. Are we mad about it? No! It simply did not matter at the time and paled in comparison to caring for our boys and getting the margin back that we need for ourselves. Together you can decide what your priorities are and simply aren’t anymore in the new baby stage.

Yes, you will eventually return to normal capacity where you have the mental space and energy to care for your baby and clean your house, but the newborn season is not the time for a spotless home. Trust me, it may be a little while, but you will absolutely get that energy and space back within yourselves. And what a glorious day that will be!

On top of your home, you might be a bit of a mess physically, and that is okay too! No one is expecting you to have your hair (and make-up or facial hair) done perfectly when they come to visit, so please don’t waste your time and precious energy on something like that! Don’t be surprised when you

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing." —Phyllis Diller

EMBRACE THE MESS. YOU

WON’T REMEMBER IT, AND

IT DOESN’T MAT TER.


RESOURCES

stop noticing the spit up on each other’s clothes. Focus on getting sleep, your own self-care, and that precious gift you’ve been given. Laugh at the rest.

Mostly importantly, remember this is a short season. It is chaotic and challenging, but also the sweetest days of your life. Soak them up. Don’t push them to be gone too quickly. And embrace the mess. You won’t remember it, and it doesn’t matter. If you’re a neat freak like me, allow God to use it to teach you what really matters in life—the people around you and the time you have with them.

“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” —Psalm 90:12

THIS IS A SHORT

SEASON. IT IS CHAOTIC

AND CHALLENGING,

BUT ALSO THE SWEETEST

DAYS OF YOUR L IFE .

SOAK THEM UP. DON’T

PUSH THEM TO BE GONE

TOO QUICKLY.

“Having children is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.” —Ray Romano

WEBSITES

Pardon the Mess podcast, ChristianParenting.org/pardonthemess



1. Are either of you a bit of a neat freak? Do either of you have certain things around the house you like to be “just so”?

2. Discuss together this concept of embracing and becoming okay with messiness. Where do you feel irked by it? Where do you feel fine with it?

3. How do you think the home you grew up in affects your comfortability level with mess? What did you see modeled growing up? What were the standards like in your home as a kid?

4. What does mess communicate to you? This could be good or bad, just be honest.

5. How can you work together to share the load and burden of your home? Are you willing to pick up a task if you see it needs to be done, even if you’re not typically the one to do it?

6. What might God be trying to speak to each of you on this topic? How might he want to free you up in this coming season to walk in joy and peace in the midst of the mess?

7. What tasks are you willing to let go of or change for the sake of margin in this coming season? Examples: only doing dishes once a day, hiring a lawn company to mow, or having/not having your hair or make-up done before you see people.

8. Decide together what are the “must do” tasks and what things you can be more lenient about in this coming season. Make a loose list! Nothing has to be set in stone. But it is important to communicate things you feel are essential to your well-being as a family.


GUIDED PR AYERNOTES

1. Where do you struggle most with messiness? Maybe it’s your appearance, or clutter around your home, or in the kitchen. Maybe it’s a messy calendar or a loose and unsure structure to your time. Take a few moments to look at your life and self assess.

2. How can you give yourself permission today to embrace more mess and still be okay? Ask God for a present revelation of his grace, that he’s not offended by your mess whether it be around you physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. Acknowledge right now your frame the way God does, that he “remembers that we are dust” (Psalm 103:14).

3. What will it look like to embrace more mess when your baby arrives? Ask the Spirit for wisdom on how you can better prepare now for the season that’s coming. And pay attention to any thoughts, words, pictures, or intuitions that come to mind.

Jesus, even your birthIs a picture of beauty in mess.

Born as a kingIn the lowliest of places,

You’ve embraced mess from the start.

Teach me to embrace messThe way that you do.

Every moment, you see the messThat’s ever present in every corner of the earth.

And still you wholly love us anyway.

Whatever mess may come,Teach me to love in and through it

The way that you do.

Teach me to find rest, patience, and purposeIn embracing the imperfection that

Is uncommon to me,For your glory and my good.

Amen.

3 W E E K T H R E E

M A R I T A L H E A L T H W I T H A N E W B A B Y

W E E K T H R E E

M A R I T A L H E A L T H W I T H A N E W B A B Y


INTRODUCTION

“One of the most important parts of loving your child well is loving your spouse well.


Dedicating a whole week to marriage in a parenting book might seem a bit odd. After all, you’ve been working at this marriage thing for at least a little while. It’s the baby thing that’s new.

But in reality, your marriage will be stretched in ways far greater than you could ever imagine in the days that are to come. There is not enough room for everything you wish you could do together as a couple when your baby arrives, especially in the early days.

And as a result, two things will happen. On one hand, your capacity will somehow grow as you’re stretched. On the other hand, some things will simply have to be let go.

And unfortunately, with everything life demands of new parents, a lot of people let their marriage go. Rather than making sure a healthy marriage gets the space it needs as capacities are stretched day after day, the things you need to stay in love and in touch with one another go by the wayside. And often it happens unintentionally, sometimes unknowingly even by the happiest of couples.

It’s amazing how a new baby has the power to demand and receive every bit of attention from an entire roomful of adults. It’s a level of power I (Craig) didn’t know a human being could possess, let alone such a small one. But when your baby arrives, caring for your marriage will not be something that just happens.

Date nights are hard. Vacations are really hard. Little trips to the store, going on a walk, going out for a quick bite, surprising one another—all of it requires about double the effort as you plan for what your little one will need in every circumstance.

WHEN YOU HAVE TO F IGHT FOR

SOMETHING, YOU SOMEHOW

RECOGNIZE ON A DEEPER LEVEL

HOW PRECIOUS IT IS .

But something beautiful happens when you decide to say yes to each other. You’re able to see how much you love, need, and value each other. When you have to fight for something, you somehow recognize on a deeper level how precious it is.

Even things as simple as having the chance to hop in the car, just the two of us, while JoJo (Rachel’s mom) watches the kids is precious. And I don’t think I’ve had a freer feeling in my entire life than when Rachel and I were heading up an escalator after going through security at the airport for our first vacation in a while together. I was so relieved realizing that for four days, we could literally do anything we wanted whenever we wanted.

One of the most important parts of loving your child well is loving your spouse well. No amount of income, gifts, attention, or adoration can replace the value of a child growing up in a home where the parents visibly and genuinely love one another.

In so many ways, your child will pick up and embody the dynamics of your home and your relationship. So take this week as an opportunity to connect, have great conversations, be vulnerable, and seek to put some stronger building blocks in place for your marriage that will stand firm through any future tests you may endure.

I promise whatever good, even hard, work you do this week will bear more fruit than you can imagine in the years to come.


D A Y 1

SCRIP TURE

“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.”

—Galatians 5:13

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

—Proverbs 15:1

“One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.”

—Proverbs 11:24–25

You are not a mind reader


RACHEL Nothing will destroy a healthy connection in marriage faster than a lack of communication. We have seen its fruits and they are not good. They are rotten, decaying, and stink of fear and selfishness. If you have not cultivated a healthy space for open, fearless dialogue in your marriage, to voice all your needs and wants and shortcomings, now is the time. Because it is only going to get harder when the baby comes.

What are we talking about? What does this look like in a marriage?

• Not voicing assumptions about why your spouse isn’t helping you “fill in the blank,” rather than asking them for help.

• Playing games with your spouse by not voicing how you really feel about their actions or requests of you. Usually a response of “that’s fine . . .” lets you know you aren’t being honest.

• Quietly but miserably carrying a load of responsibility, emotional pain, or stress that is far too heavy for one person to bear alone.

• Making ungenerous assumptions about your day being harder than your spouse’s.

• Assuming you know the intentions in your spouse's heart behind any action or lack of action.

These are just some of the common types of miscommunication in the postpartum season. But be careful, because many of these patterns will carry into normal life with kids if not addressed as they come up.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” I am actually embarrassed at how long it has taken me to understand and adopt this principle at a heart level, particularly in my marriage. It is very natural and easy to be a self-centered person, to believe you’re the only one working hard, being inconvenienced, or being responsible. And this was compounded exponentially after having kids due to sleeplessness, physical pain, and the busyness of caring for a baby all day long.

It is going to be of the utmost importance that you two communicate clearly to each other about everything you’re thinking and going through. It’s crucial that you voice the assumptions you catch yourself having about your spouse. Seek to gain clarity so that you believe what is actually true about them. This may lead to more conflict on the front end, but it will save you both from the awful buildup of things left unsaid.

“Don’t say you’re okay when you’re not. Keep it simple and uncomplicated.”

—Jeremy and Adrienne Camp, In Unison


RESOURCES

One of the best ways to avoid these types of negative assumptions from getting out of control is to be willing to ask for help from your spouse and to give them help when they ask. As we discussed last week, learning to ask for and accept help is good. Your spouse is supposed to be your helpmate and biggest support in life. And if you are nervous to ask them for help, there is a problem with communication somewhere along the way that has taken root.

I am often surprised at Craig’s response when I actually voice my need for help. He is generous and eager to step in, but he is not a mind reader. This is why communication is foundational to a healthy, thriving marriage whether you have kids or not.

For example, let’s take doing the dishes. One way of doing them is out of love and service to your family to lighten their load after a hard day. Another way to do the dishes is to be wishing your spouse would do them or at least be helping, but not communicating that wish and harboring resentment. Now expand that idea to changing diapers, doing the budget, meal planning, cooking, and waking up with the baby in the night. Without voicing your wants and needs, you’ll never give your spouse the opportunity to be the partner and support system you need to thrive.

Like we’ve stated in previous days, look for ways to serve one another in love. You will both be utterly exhausted. But save a little of that love, service, and attention for each other each day. Look for ways to communicate your love for them, what you see them doing well, and be intentional about thanking them

for how they care for you and your baby. This will go such a long way and will also take your attention off of yourself and how hard things may be.

Be generous, exercise grace through gracious assumptions, and most importantly, talk to each other. You will never have a better helpmate than this one God has given you.

BOOKS

In Unison: The Unfinished Story of Jeremy and Adrienne Camp, by Jeremy and Adrienne Camp

I T IS GOING TO BE OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE THAT

YOU TWO COMMUNICATE CLEARLY TO EACH OTHER ABOUT

EVERY THING YOU’RE THINKING AND GOING THROUGH.



1. Proverbs 11:24–25 says, “One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give and only suffers want. Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.” How can this verse be applied to your marriage? How can it be applied to your assumptions and the ways you serve your family?

2. In what ways do you find yourself being ungenerous with your assumptions of your spouse, even now?

3. What lies do you often believe about your spouse’s intentions? Why do you think this is? What do you think is at the root of these feelings?

4. Do you ever find yourself hesitant to ask for help from your spouse? Do you ever feel like there is a responsibility imbalance in your home? What do you think would happen if you asked for help?

5. What are some things you’d like more help with? Examples: the pet(s), laundry, running errands, grocery shopping, or meal planning.

6. Discuss what would be the best way for your spouse to communicate a need for help. How and when could your spouse communicate best to you when asking for things from you?

7. How could you generously serve your spouse in love this week? Not out of bitterness or not wanting to ask for help, but out of genuine love.

8. Are there any false or negative assumptions you have been making about your spouse that you need to confess and clear up today? This won’t be easy or fun, but it will lead to a lighter, healthier marriage going forward.

9. Take time right now to encourage and thank one another for the things you see them do on a daily basis.


NOTES

1. In Isaiah 62:5, and throughout Scripture, God depicts our relationship with him as a marriage, saying, “For as a young man marries a young woman, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.” Take a moment to reflect on ways your love for your spouse is meant to be a reflection of God’s love for you.

2. Where do you sense your spouse needing your love most as you prepare for your baby to come? Ask the Spirit for insight and intuition into where your spouse needs love the most.

3. What’s one practical way you can love your spouse in this season of preparation? Think about their love language, and what makes them feel most loved. Come away with one practical step you can commit to this week.

My God,There is no greater picture

Of your love for your peopleThan that of a loving marriage.

I look to you Jesus,To your sacrifice and care,

To your presence and awareness,To your ability to both care for your needs

And the needs of those that you love.

Teach me to love my spouseThe way that you love me.

Teach me to walk in health,To be so attuned to the love of the Father

That I might have meaningful love to give.

And call me out of a life of self-interestTo a life of love, for your glory,

And for the good of myselfAnd my spouse.

Holy Spirit,Transform me,

Teach me,Paint a picture of what it means

To truly love.

And I will followWhere you lead.

Amen.

GUIDED PR AYER


D A Y 2

RACHEL

SCRIP TURE

“A friend loves at all times.” —Proverbs 17:17

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”

—James 1:19

“Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.” —Song of Songs 2:10

“Let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.”

—Romans 14:19

Built-in best friend

In the early days, you are both spent—physically and emotionally. The hormone changes, lack of sleep, and stress that come from life with a newborn will be hard on your relationship. I’m sure that doesn’t come as a surprise. But more than ever, it’s critical to fight complacency in your marriage and strive to maintain connection with each other. This new stage in life can feel isolating and lonely, but your spouse is meant to be your best friend and teammate who’s with you every step of the way. April Eldemire, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, says there are simple, essential ways you can do this: maintaining friendship, daily, stress-reducing conversations, and approaching conflict gently. Another aspect we find essential is cultivating intimacy in various ways. You won’t do them all perfectly, but all that matters is simply putting in the effort to connect.

“With your partner by your side, you’ll find new ways to appreciate and love one another—the greatest gift you can give your child is a strong relationship between you and your partner.” —April Eldemire, LMFT


“At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.” —John Gottman, PhD, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

STAY BEST FRIENDS

“A friend loves at all times.” —Proverbs 17:17

More than likely, your spouse is already your best friend. That will not change after the baby, and it is important to remember you’re friends and on the same team. While you both feel pressure coming from a million places, let your friendship be one that’s fun and pressure-free. As we have discussed before, fight to have generous assumptions of your spouse, just as you would any other friend. See the best in them, and give them the benefit of the doubt. Stay in the know about how they’re doing and what they’ve got going on. And most importantly, keep having fun with them. Enjoy them and laugh together. When things get too overwhelming and stressful, turn on your favorite song in the kitchen and dance together.

TALK DAILY

“Let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.” —Romans 14:19

I cannot emphasize this enough. Talk to each other daily, and not just about the heavy, burdensome things. Often Craig and I would find ourselves so tired after getting the baby to sleep that we would just turn on the TV and veg out until we went to bed. It left both of us feeling so disconnected, not even knowing if the other had a good or bad day. I would highly encourage you to save some energy and capacity to have a conversation in bed before you fall asleep. Simply take the time to hear about each other's days, how they’re doing emotionally, if they have any hopes or desires for the weekend.To help you and your partner feel known in your relationship, simple, light, and life-giving conversation will go a long way in maintaining connection.

“Try arguing with someone who is walking in humility. Try arguing with someone who is quickly willing to own their wrongs. The argument doesn’t go very far.” —Jeremy and Adrienne Camp, In Unison


RESOURCES

INTIMACY

“Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.” —Song of Songs 2:10

Intimacy isn’t just sex. And sex will not always be on the table, especially in the first six weeks. Mom, you may not even want to be touched, and that’s okay. Your hormones are going through drastic changes after birth and trying to figure out things it's never done before, like milk production. It’s truly a strange time for the mother. And while that’s extremely important to remember and be sensitive to, there are lots of ways to be intimate together. I would even challenge the wives to be creative about ways you can love your husbands and be intentionally intimate with them in this time, because they will still miss it and crave it, even if you don’t. Keep it simple and sweet. More than anything, knowing you’re thinking about each other and putting in what effort you can speaks volumes. Two simple examples: You can write your spouse a romantic card, being specific about why you love them and thanking them for who they are. Or, you can light some candles and set up a time for massages.

GENTLE CONFLICT

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” —James 1:19

Things are sometimes tense with a new baby. We’ve made that clear. But this stage also won’t last forever. And that is key to remember when approaching conflict. Remember that stressors are compounded in this season and you both are especially on edge from the lack of sleep or time alone. Be gentle with yourself and one another. Before you bring up an issue with your spouse, take time to assess your own heart and mood. If you’re not in a calm, generous place—wait. Take a minute to collect yourself. Don’t

BOOKS

Choosing Marriage, by Debra Fileta

WEBSITES

Marriage After God, MarriageAfterGod.com

GENTLE CONFLICT

AND RECONCIL IAT ION

WILL ONLY LEAD TO

GREATER INTIMACY AND

CONNECTION.

go into conflict hot-headed in this season, because it’s truly not fair to either of you, and it will likely make things more difficult than they actually are. Keep a “same team” mentality and always go in making generous, positive assumptions of each other. If you do that, you can’t go wrong. Gentle conflict and reconciliation will only lead to greater intimacy and connection.

Children are a beautiful gift of marriage. They’re truly the sweetest blessing! Just remember, you are still married. Fight hard to maintain an intimate connection and not fall into simply being roommates. This hard, supercharged postpartum season will pass, and your marriage will thrive through it if you give it what it needs. God is with you both every step of the way, filling you with grace, abundance, and peace for it all.



1. What are some things that make you feel connected to your spouse? Do you have daily conversations? Or have you fallen into the current of life’s busyness? How can you work together to maintain this part of your relationship after the baby comes?

2. How could you see life after the baby potentially getting in the way of your connection points?

3. How would you rate the connection you feel currently with your spouse on a scale of 1 to 10? Why did you choose that number? List examples of where you think you both are excelling veres struggling.

4. What often stands in the way of you connecting with your spouse? Too tried? Frustration? Boredom with life? Distraction with things like social media or entertainment?

5. What could you do to initiate and maintain those places of connection with your spouse? Commit now within yourself to doing those things. Even if it feels uncomfortable, work toward being consistent in initiating in these areas. It will grow more natural and become an area where you’re both thriving!

6. Share with each other what makes you feel most connected. Talk together about ways you could both be more intentional now but especially after the baby is here. Are there any places in your marriage you’d like your spouse to grow in pursuing connection with you? Examples could be initiating conversation by asking about your day, pursuing or initiating intimacy, or bringing their guard down in conflict.

7. Open up with each other about conflict styles. Are you more guarded? Are you more heated? Do you need space to process? Conflict styles can be a great thing to bring up outside of conflict, when both of you are calm and connected to each other. How can you both strive to enter conflict more gracefully going forward?

8. Together, commit to remembering that even though the baby is here and a responsibility for you both, you will still fight for your marriage and give it the attention and care it needs to thrive.


NOTES

1. Take a moment to reflect on the lengths God has gone to achieve greater connection with you. That at the death of Jesus, the veil separating the presence of God from his people was torn in two, top to bottom, him to us (Matthew 27:51). And now you are the temple of God’s presence, his Spirit with you, connected to you, always (1 Corinthians 6:19).

2. Where do you and your spouse need to forge a greater connection in this season of preparation? Maybe it’s in more time for communication, more time in God’s presence, or more time out having fun and making memories as a couple. Think in terms of your needs and wants and the needs and wants of your spouse.

3. Ask the Spirit for one practical way you can foster a greater connection with your spouse today. Pay attention to any words, pictures, memories, or intuitions that come to mind as you pray. And commit to one practical way you can grow your connection with your spouse in this season and in the one to come.

God, there is no greater giftIn this life than connection with you.

Your presence brings peace. Your nearness brings hope and life.

Simply being with you saturatesThe rest of our being with

Glory and love.

And in your grace, you have givenUs the gift of meaningful, loving connection

With one another.

In saying yes to marriage,We say yes to being known

And being lovedIn the deepest part of our being.

Teach us to connect with each otherIn the ways that you connect with us.

Show us how to be there for one another,To know and be known by each other,

Even when time and energy are lacking.

Give us a sense,Moment by moment,

Of meaningful ways we can connectEven as we are fostering a connection

With a new life.

And may our home be filled with loving connection

With you at the center of it all. The one in whom we live, and move,

And have our being.

The one who holds us, and everything, together,

In you we pray.

Amen.

GUIDED PR AYER


SCRIP TURE

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

—Genesis 1:27

“Through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” —Galatians 5:13–14

Gender rolesDAY 3

CRAIG

“And finally, in our time a beard is the one thing that a woman cannot do better than a man, or if she can her success is assured only in a circus.” —John Steinbeck

Here we go team. Gender roles.

I would like to begin by thanking Rachel for asking me to step in and write this one. There is no easier and less divisive topic in the Church and our culture right now than gender roles. So thanks, babe.

Let’s start with what we won’t be doing today. We won’t be diving deeply into the biology, theology, and physiology of gender roles, which is an ever-present conversation in our world these days. There are a lot of great resources out there if you’re looking for more than what you’ll get today on the concepts of gender itself and gender in marriage.

I have two goals for today. First is to possibly expand your notion of how you could be serving one another and your expanding family. The other is to provide a practical guide for you to have an intentional conversation about the roles you desire yourself and each other to play in the days that are to come.


I hope and believe that we’ve come a long way as a couple since then. There are some ways that our family looks kind of typical for a white, Christian family (if there’s really such a thing as typical). There are some ways we look different.

I love to cook now. I fell in love with it on a trip to New Orleans. So for a few years, I cooked all our meals. Now we sort of trade off, sometimes in the middle of a meal, depending on what the kids need. We both own the budget, although Rachel is still a little more masterful than me. We both grocery shop (although grocery delivery literally changed our lives). Side note: use grocery delivery once you have kids. Those hours back every week are more than worth it.

The point is this: The roles you need to play for each other day to day, season to season, probably need to look different than the home you were raised in. And that’s because you and your spouse are not your mom and dad, or whatever your family structure was growing up. Your jobs are different. Your wiring is different. The world we live in today is different. And when you have kids, any capacity you’ve had to compensate for a lack of shared responsibility around the house will dissipate overnight. You will need to be a team, now more than ever before, even in those areas your spouse might have handled all on their own.

“Balancing family and work is where negotiating collaboratively with your partner around the things of great value in your individual lives and your life together pays off. Challenging gender stereotypes and becoming more self-reflective will greatly enhance your ability to take on the challenge of how you and your spouse create and maintain a balance between family and work that works for both of you.” —Catherine E. Aponte, PsyD, A Marriage of Equals: How to Achieve Balance in a Committed Relationship

But why now, when there’s so much else to prepare for as a couple? As hard as this conversation may be right now, it’s way harder when your new baby is actually here.

But first, a confession.

When we first got married, I felt like I was a pretty open guy when it came to gender roles. I’m not really a type A, guy’s guy. I’m more of the sensitive type. I like poetry. I write songs and play in bands. I like Christian meditation and long, one-on-one conversations.

But I still remember this one cringy experience in the first few months of being married. Rachel had cooked dinner the night before (I couldn’t cook a thing at this point), and there were dishes left in the sink the next morning. After going into our kitchen for my coffee before heading to work, I remember walking by the dishes and having the distinct thought, “Why hasn’t Rachel done these dishes yet? Our kitchen is filthy.”

Noticing the thought, I stopped dead in my tracks. I remember wondering to myself, “Why should Rachel be the one that does the dishes?” Not that it really matters, but we both worked full-time back then, honestly her more than me. She cooked all our meals. She planned our groceries. She managed our budget.

I somehow entered marriage with a pre-conceived notion of what a husband and wife are supposed to do based on which gender they were. The home was the domain of the wife. Work was the domain of the husband. The father plays with the kids when he gets home. The wife cooks dinner. And everyone lives in a house in a suburb with a white picket fence, has a golden retriever, and blah, blah, blah.

Needless to say, I had a lot of work to do.


RESOURCES

BOOKS

A Marriage of Equals: How to Achieve Balance in a Committed Relationship, by Catherine E. Aponte, PsyD

To be uncharacteristically strong and possibly lean too heavily on stereotypes:

Dad, please change diapers. Learn how to cook at least five good, easy meals. Wake up in the night, even just for moral support. Help clean the house. Get comfortable taking care of the kids so your wife can have a night out, or even a whole weekend away, even with a baby. Workaholism (which is different from a full workload) is not an adequate excuse for not helping and not being fully present with your kids. If the expectations at work are too high, try and find a new job. Seriously. You will not get to the end of your life and wish you had spent more time at work. And your kids and wife will not understand, and probably shouldn’t understand, why work was so much more important than them.

Mom, ask for help. Don’t let your husband's uncomfortability with a new baby or busyness at work keep you from asking him to be comfortable, present, and helpful even with a brand-new baby. Have grace. There is a reality that you’ve carried your child for nine months, and you’re kind of nine months ahead of where your husband is. You already have a relationship with your baby that your husband will just be beginning to form. But seriously, ask for help. Encourage him to spend time with friends. Offer real moral support if and as he works. Ask him how he’s doing and be a safe place for him to be vulnerable. You both need to be a rock and source of love and respect for each other.

If your situation doesn’t resonate at all with the last two paragraphs, feel free to disregard the specifics. But please, consider thoughtfully the sentiment.

Now is the perfect time to unearth expectations you might not even realize you have for how you will each love one another and care for your baby. You’ll be surprised how much you lean on your own family history when the baby arrives, whether you’d like to or not. And the way to create your own dynamic as parents—your own responsibilities, your own rhythms—is to talk openly and vulnerably together.

So, as we move to a time of discussion, I hope and pray that the Holy Spirit provides empathy and love for each other. I hope that he illuminates parts of your family history that you loved, things you want to bring forward to your new family. And I hope that you discover preconceived notions that you need to correct to empower you to love and serve each other better in the season that is to come.

And just in case you’re real mad at me right now, blame Rachel. She made me do it.

TALK OPENLY AND

VULNERABLY TOGETHER



1. Consider for a moment the roles your parents played when you were growing up. Even if your parents were divorced, if you had a step-parent or were raised by a single parent or in another situation, that is still informing some sense of role. Think about things like home care, who the breadwinner was, what the breadwinner did around the home, who provided discipline, how your parents played with you, and how they pursued each other. Write down what stands out about your upbringing.

2. Now consider for a few moments what you’d like to bring forward and what you’d like to let go. Write down the things you loved growing up about your family dynamic and things you would like to see be different.

3. Share your thoughts with one another. Listen to each other thoughtfully without jumping in. Make notes if you need to in order to not interrupt. Celebrate what was good about each other’s upbringing, and have compassion and empathy for what wasn’t.

4. Now think about your current dynamics. Who takes care of the home and in what ways? Who takes care of cooking, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the house, managing the budget, grocery shopping, paying the bills, making the money? Write down what about your current dynamics will work when the new baby arrives, and what you think needs to change.

5. Have a conversation about your current dynamics. Again, allow your spouse to talk until they’re finished. Write down thoughts if you need to in order to not interrupt. Don’t feel the need to solve everything today, but start a conversation you can continue until the baby arrives.

6. How do you foresee taking care of your family when the new baby arrives? What roles have you imagined you and your wife will play as your family expands? Draw a circle around even the first six months. Who will cook? Will one or both of you work? Who will take the baby to their doctor’s appointments? How will the grandparents help? Who will manage the finances, grocery shop, clean, etc.? Write down your thoughts.

7. Now have a conversation about your roles when the new baby arrives. Share openly and honestly. If something makes you frustrated or nervous, use feeling words. Try hard not to assume anything, but instead check all your assumptions. Remember that you are on the same team, and this is new and at least a little bit scary for both of you. And in it all, acknowledge that you will need to be flexible with whatever you decide as your whole family shuffles responsibilities in the days to come.

If you need more help with this conversation, maybe with some impasses in understanding you don’t feel equipped to cross, seek out a counselor. I honestly wish that at our churches, we’d hand out Bibles and business cards for great counselors. Having a dedicated, trained guide to doing good interior work is invaluable. And having one for your marriage in the days leading up to a baby might be incredibly beneficial.


GUIDED PR AYERNOTES

1. As we begin, open your heart and mind before the Lord. Begin a time of prayer by simply making space for God’s presence, with all that is sure and unsure, and allowing him to reveal his nearness in and around you. Take a few moments to breathe, and simply be still before God.

2. Ask for revelation on how you might better serve your spouse, your child, and yourself in the days that are to come. Write down whatever comes to mind. As a goal, begin to paint a picture of your future with God, allowing his power, love, grace, and pathway toward growth and transformation to be the undercurrent to your thoughts and emotions.

3. Where’s a wise place to begin? Process what your steps should be today, acknowledging that you can only do so many things well and change happens better with consistent small steps than short-lived, intense seasons.

My God,In the midst of the change that is coming

With the arrival of our new baby,I give every weight to you.

Holy Spirit, illuminate what needs to change. God, be my guide. Jesus, be my model.

God, in you I see everything I can be. In you I find love, respect, humility, capability, and

wisdom.

For what was good about my family history, I thank you. For all that should have been different,

For all that needs to change, I ask for your guidance.

And in it all, give me grace upon graceBoth for myself and my partner.

May we sense you with us in it all.May we sense your power, love, and courage.

May we sense your growth in our capacity in the days that are to come,

And may it all draw us near to each other, and near to you.

Amen.


RACHEL

SCRIP TURE

“Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers.” —Proverbs 17:6

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” —Exodus 20:12

DAY 4

Healthy family boundaries

This is a flat-out tricky subject. Even now, I am struggling with writing about it. Family dynamics around having a new baby are just complicated, and every family handles them differently. I have seen families with literally no boundaries at all, where people come and go as they please, and then I have seen the other extreme, where families are heavily regimented and almost formal in their approach to time together. There is no right or wrong answer, just what is right for your family.

Whatever you both decide, it will be hugely important that you communicate what feels right for you individually and that you make decisions together as a team. If you’re not on the same page, work together to find a compromise. Here are some

“When we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss. If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. But, when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward responsibility.” —Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No


RESOURCES

examples of places and times you’ll need to set some extended family expectations and boundaries:

• THE DELIVERY ROOM: Who is in? Who is most definitely out? How soon do you want family to visit? Do you want family to wait until you’re settled in your postpartum room, or are you fine with them coming into your labor and delivery room as soon as visitors are allowed? This may seem frivolous, but people are going to be dying to meet that baby, and your first moments bonding as a family unit will be the most important.

• VISITING THE HOSPITAL: Decide together how often you’d like people to come see you all in the hospital. Some of you will have parents that want to come see you and the baby every single day you’re there. Be clear. Be on the same page. Make sure your spouse knows what you truly want, and fight for each other's needs. Your hospital stay will be exhausting. Sometimes, visitors are a breath of fresh air; sometimes, they do more harm than good.

• HELP ONCE YOU’RE HOME: I cannot tell you what a blessing it can be to have your moms over to help with meals, cleaning, and caring for the baby those first few days at home. However, you will have to be graciously clear with your mothers about how much time is too much. They may not know instinctively if they have outstayed their welcome. It will be up to you to kindly set those boundaries with them for the sake of your own emotional and mental health.

• YOU ARE THE PARENT NOW: This is a hard concept for some grandparents to swallow. Their baby now has a baby. Some of you may

come up against some control issues with your parents where they offer constant unsolicited advice and express their opinion on just about everything you choose to do. Be confident in the decisions you two have made for your baby. You two are that baby’s parents, and only you. You may have to have some hard conversations to clarify that reality. However you choose to feed, sleep train, or swaddle that baby is up to you two alone. Take pride in the things you both decide upon, and when they are watching your baby, you may need to ask them to follow your wishes specifically.

More than anything, it is very fun to watch your parents become grandparents. They turn all mushy and light up anytime that baby comes into view. It’s really sweet and extremely helpful—so long as you are clear and on the same page with your spouse.

BOOKS

Parenting from the Inside Out, by Daniel J. Siegel

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend



1. What type of relationship do you have with your parents? What about your in-laws? Do you feel like there are good boundaries there? Can you be clear with them? Or do you need to beat around the bush to get your needs across?

2. Do your parents see you both as adults? Do they still attempt to parent you now? Are you willing to have a conversation with them about becoming parents and them respecting and supporting that new reality?

3. What kind of boundaries do you want to set with your parents? Emotionally? Physically?

4. What kind of boundaries do you want to set with your in-laws? Emotionally? Physically?

5. What do you foresee being potential issues with your parents and in-laws? How can you prepare for that now? Do you need to have a conservation ahead of time?

6. Together, write down who you want in the delivery room and the order of who will get to meet the baby. For instance, only grandparents come in after delivery, everyone else has to wait until you’re settled in your permanent room. Decide ahead of time so that when people are texting you and asking to visit, you already know what you’re going to say.

7. Discuss what type of boundaries you’d like to set with family once your new family is back home. You may have different preferences, and that is okay. Work together to come to a compromise, and decide on a time to clearly and kindly communicate your wishes with your families.


NOTES

1. Take a moment to reflect on God’s value for family. 1 Corinthians 8:6 says, “Yet for us there is one God, the Father, from whom are all things and for whom we exist.” Allow his passion and purpose to raise the tide of your energy and desire to prepare for and love your extended family as you welcome in a new life together.

2. Where do you need to foster a better relationship with the family you expect to be around most when you have your baby? And where do you need to decide to create clear and needed boundaries now in order for you all to thrive in the season that is to come? Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom, courage, and direction. Make space to truly listen, and see what he says.

3. Write down the steps you need to take in the coming weeks to create a better framework for your whole family to thrive. Decide what conversation you need to have. Plan for time to grow your relationship with your extended family. And choose to do the hard things now that will make the coming season easier, and more filled with joy and life.

Father, Creator and Giver of all life,

In you we are one.

Every day, you merge families together,Working in and through your people

To bring about the reconciliationOf all.

In our family, God,We need your help.

Humble us, gather us,Teach us how to love one another

As you have loved us.

Where there is abundant relationship,Grow an even greater connection.

Where there are wounds,Bring healing.

Where there is misunderstanding,Bring good communication.

And where there is need For greater clarity,

Empower us to build boundariesThat all might flourish in The season that is to come.

In you we pray.

Amen.

GUIDED PR AYER


RACHEL

SCRIP TURE

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

—Proverbs 18:22

“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.”

—Song of Solomon 8:6–7

Date each otherDAY 5

There’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re just roommates with your spouse. When you are both so bogged down by the weight of responsibilities, work, or busy seasons in life that you pass each other by without even making eye contact. You’re not concerned about the intimate affairs going on in the other person’s heart. You’re friends. But that’s about it. Bleh!

It is so easy to get into this rut. It can happen for all sorts of reasons, especially after a baby comes into the picture. Mom, if physical intimacy isn’t an option right now, your hormones are all over the place, and you’re experiencing extreme fatigue from sleep loss, the roommate dynamic is very easy to fall into. Dad, if you’re a bit lost trying to read your wife’s signals and juggling new expectations and dynamics at work, inside the home, and inside yourself, it can be so easy to let romance go as a luxury instead of a necessity.

In this workbook, we have talked a lot about maintaining connection—expressing needs,

“The big secret to creating a love that lasts and grows over time is simple. Make dedicated, non-negotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner. Don’t assume you know who they are today just because you went to bed with them the night before. In short, never stop asking questions.” —John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams, Rachel Carlton Abrams, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love


IN LOVING EACH OTHER WELL ,

YOU ARE IN TURN LOVING

YOUR CHILD WELL .

speaking gracefully, and taking notice of one another. Today, I want to talk about dating your spouse. Think back with me to when you were still in the dating stage. Awkward, nervous, and silly conversations getting to know each other for the first time, all the butterflies and fumbling over words trying to express your interest and feelings for one another. It was fun and not too serious!

You were totally smitten. You were full of questions and curiosity! You wanted to know what made them tick, what excited them, what their pet peeves were. You wanted to spoil them and make them feel special. You wanted to regularly surprise and excite them. You wanted to pursue them and win their heart.

Why does all of that have to stop once we become comfortable with each other?

Because you won’t be able to leave the house at a moment’s notice anymore. Going on actual dates will take lots of intentionality and planning. You will want to make the most of your actual time away together. Honestly, you can even take the newborn baby with you if you plan according to their feeding and sleep schedule. It’s not impossible!

But more than taking your spouse on physical dates, I am talking about adopting the mindset of dating your spouse. Getting back to that place in your heart where you’re truly curious about them and realize there is always more to learn about who they are! When you have a baby, it’s easy to forget you’re even still in a relationship with your partner. That’s why it’s important now to get into this dating each other mindset. It will keep your relationship vibrant and fun.

The pursuit goes both ways! Tear down any lies in your relationship that pursuit only comes from the man. Both women and men need to feel pursued and admired. And mom, your husband will need

to know he is still the apple of your eye even when you’re soaked up with the baby.

There are many thoughtful ways you can pursue your spouse. Pastor Greg Gibson says that loving the whole person must incorporate spiritual, practical, and physical pursuit. Spiritually through praying for them and giving them encouragement from the Lord. Practically through acts of service, leaving sweet notes, making them dinner, or giving them gifts. And physically by going out of your way to create special intimate moments for them. Get creative and put yourself out there, just as your would have in the early days of your relationship.

Planning special date nights at home can be an incredibly fun way to freshen up your relationship when you’re unable to get out as much. Take turns being the planner. Cook or order in food from your favorite local restaurant. Create a beautiful setting on your back porch. Take the movie night route and create a special, custom popcorn menu! Take care of every detail so your spouse doesn’t have to plan a thing or lift a finger. The options are endless, and showing effort to surprise your spouse goes a long way.

While none of this may even seem possible when you’ve reached your capacity with baby, I would encourage you to save some capacity to pursue and date your spouse as well. Don’t allow your marriage to be placed on the back burner. Don’t allow your flame to grow cold. In loving each other well, you are in turn loving your child well. They will only be as well cared for as your marriage. The two of you are the foundation for your child to grow and thrive upon. Commit to making that foundation strong and healthy from the get-go.



1. Discuss together how this topic hit you. Did you feel encouraged because you’ve already been implementing this? Or did you feel like you want to adopt a dating mentality anew?

2. Have you ever felt like just roommates with your spouse? If so, what was that like for you?

3. Think back to when you first started dating each other. How did you feel toward them? What were you curious about? What excited you about them?

4. What ways did you pursue them or try to get their attention? How did you try to impress them? How could you incorporate some of those things into your relationship now?

5. Do you feel like you pursue your spouse currently? Do you feel pursued by them? If you don’t think you’ve been pursuing your spouse well, what do you think is holding you back?

6. What are some ways you would like to implement dating each other now and after the baby comes? What types of rhythms do you want to set?

7. Tell each other something the other person may not know about you. It can be small or silly. The point is that you still have more to learn about each other.

8. Grab a sheet of paper. Now, each of you think of five creative date night ideas for after the baby comes. These can be stay-at-home date nights or even grand, special ones that you’ll definitely need a sitter for. Write them down, fold them up, and put them in a jar to pull out on the days when you feel like roommates.

9. Decide one night this week to play twenty questions together! While you eat dinner together, alternate asking each other questions. Be attentive, listen well, and learn something new about your partner!


GUIDED PR AYERNOTES

1. Take some time to thank God for your spouse. What do you love most about being married? Express it to God, and allow thankfulness to stir up desire within your heart to love and pursue your spouse.

2. Ask the Spirit for insight into how you can date your spouse well in this season to foster greater connection and love. What would your spouse find especially loving in this season? And how can you build a rhythm around providing that love?

3. Where do you foresee your spouse needing love and pursuit the most when the baby comes? Ask the Spirit for intuition and wisdom as you pray. And begin to plan for ways to love your spouse well even as your baby needs and wants all the time and affection you can afford.

Heavenly Father,Thank you that it is in your image,

The image of love,That we were created.

In this world, so many things Have the power to distract us

From what matters most.

Teach us to love the way you do. Teach us to pursue each other

The way you pursue us.

When there is so muchVying for our attention and affection,Teach us to value each other above all.

May our love provide a solidAnd thriving environment

To love the new life you’ve given us.

May our love speak volumes of your love.

And may we find an even greater connection With one another in the season to come.

Empower us to that end. Encourage and equip us we pray.

Amen.

RESOURCES

BOOKS

Date Your Wife, by Justin Buzzard

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams

PODCASTS

True Love Dates podcast, TrueLoveDates.com

Marriage After God Podcast, MarriageAfterGod.com/category/marriage-after-god-podcast


“The two of you are the foundation for

your child to grow and thrive upon. Commit to making that foundation

strong and healthy from the get-go.

4 W E E K F O U R

A H I G H E R C A L L I N G

W E E K F O U R

A H I G H E R C A L L I N G


“We’re going to focus on the singular pursuit that nourishes every other pursuit: the pursuit of God as parents.

INTRODUCTION


I (Craig) remember the moment Rachel and I found out that our first baby was a boy. I was at first surprised, then elated, then scared out of my mind.

Not only was I becoming a parent for the first time, but our child was going to look to me in a special way for who he should become. I not only carry the need of being a good father, but for better or worse, I will be the most important model of what it means to be a good man to my boys. That reality terrified me then, and honestly, it terrifies me now.

I remember those months leading up to Wesley’s birth. I started working out every day, and I went to counseling to try and clean up my internal mess. I was trying in every way I could to be not only the person I wanted to be, but the man I wanted Wesley to be.

And I was exhausting myself.

In my exhaustion, I remember this one pivotal, sweet moment with God. I was carrying this question in my heart of why God would give us a boy. I felt like the burden was too heavy, like I would never be enough. And in that place of insecurity, I remember God giving me a sense that the calling that matters most as a father—the one pursuit that stands far above the rest—is to simply be a man after the heart of God.

No matter what I look like, no matter how successful I am in the eyes of the world, if I simply seek to be after the heart of God, it would be enough.

Whether you are becoming a father or mother, and whether or not you are having a girl or a boy, you’ve had and will still have one primary calling in life, and that is to simply love God with your whole being (Matthew 22:37).

And something transformative, something supernatural, happens when we seek to love God with our whole being—we become like him.

Greg Beale in his book We Become What We Worship makes this foundational remark: “What people revere, they resemble, either for ruin or for restoration.” Even David Foster Wallace (whose spirituality at best resembles a form of Christian existentialism) in his Kenyon College commencement speech said:

"[H]ere's something else that's weird but true: in the day to day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship [. . .] is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive.”

We’ve spent the last three weeks together working through various ways you can prepare yourself and each other to most deeply enjoy having a new baby. From getting sleep, to caring for yourself, to caring for each other, I hope you feel more prepared to make the most of the beautifully difficult season that’s coming.

But in our final week together, we’re going to turn our attention to what is the most important area of preparation in parenting. We’re going to focus on the singular pursuit that nourishes every other pursuit: the pursuit of God as parents.

I hope and pray that every day this week, you feel nearer to God and each other than the day before. I believe with all my heart that if you make space for God to fill, he will meet you in your greatest places of insecurity and in your greatest places of need. Ultimately, if you decide together to set your eyes on God above all else, sacrificing anything and everything to place him at the center of your family, everything else will come into its right and good place.

May we become more like God, the best parent of all, this week as we make him the focus of our attention, affection, and worship.


DAY 1

CRAIG

SCRIP TURE

“But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.”

—John 1:12

God is a good parent

One of the best realities of parenting with God is realizing that we have a perfect, available, and present example of what it means to parent well through relationship with our perfectly loving, heavenly parent.

So as we move from the past few weeks of setting our eyes on the season that is to come, today we begin to set our eyes on the God who is over all and in all that will happen with our new baby. May we find courage, peace, and hope as we work to place God at the center of our parenting stories, allowing him to weave his power and grace into every day of this beautifully challenging season.

To begin—without getting too theological—there is absolutely a biblical precedent for God exemplifying what it means to be both a father and a mother, although most of us don’t often use the language of God being a mother.


In Genesis 1:27, Scripture states that both male and female were made from the image of God. Isaiah 66:13 says, “As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.” Hosea 11:13 says, “Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk, I who took them up in my arms; but they did not know that I healed them. I led them with cords of human kindness, with bands of love. I was to them like those who lift infants to their cheeks. I bent down to them and fed them.”

What’s more, the Hebrew language is actually a gendered language, different from English, in that nouns carry gender with them. For instance, the Hebrew word used in Genesis 1:2 for “Spirit” is rauch, which is feminine. So the literal translation could be: “The Spirit of God, she was hovering over the face of the waters.”

But maybe what’s most important is to know that God is without gender. References to God being

a father or mother are simply a metaphor: helpful, but always falling short of the grandeur of who God truly is. So as we look to God as our best example of what it means to be a good parent, know that you can equally find the model you need in the character, actions, and heart of God.

All of us are looking around for someone to model our parenting after. Foundationally, we all carry the models of our own parents in ways that are both subconscious and conscious as examples of what to do or what not to do.

But in God, we have a heavenly parent who loves us presently and unconditionally, who provides for us in ways seen and unseen, and who longs to be our highest and most looked to model for how we parent our children moment to moment.

It is a wonderful gift, looking to our earthly parents, friends, and mentors and humbling ourselves before

I T IS A WONDERFUL GIFT. . . . PARENTING WITH OUR

HEAVENLY PARENT, SEEKING HIS WISDOM, ADVICE,

AND DIRECTION, AND PRIORIT IZ ING THE WISDOM

OF OTHERS MOST WHEN IT CONFIRMS OR FURTHER

I LLUSTRATES THE WISDOM OF GOD.


RESOURCES

their lessons and experiences. But it is a gift that has its greatest impact when placed second to the gift of parenting with our heavenly parent, seeking his wisdom, advice, and direction, and prioritizing the wisdom of others most when it confirms or further illustrates the wisdom of God.

Your heavenly parent longs to be strong in your weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:10). He knows every hair on your head (Matthew 10:30), he knows all your past experiences and even what your future holds. He cares passionately and presently about how you’re doing as his child and how you are parenting your child.

So practically, deciding together how you are going to place God at the center of your family—even in the craziness of having a new baby—is possibly the most important decision you can make as parents.

Without being religious in the sense of checking off a box, help each other begin your days in the presence of your perfect heavenly parent. Spend time in worship, in reading, and in prayer. Even 15–30 minutes in the morning can radically alter how the rest of your day goes.

Make coffee, take turns watching the baby, find a resource or plan that works best for you, and remind yourself that before you are a parent, you are first and foremost a child of God yourself.

May you find that experiencing God’s love as your heavenly parent provides your greatest source of transformation, encouragement, and empowerment as you seek to embody the characteristics of Love, in whose image you were made (1 John 4:16, Genesis 1:27).

BOOKS

Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging, by Brennan Manning

WEBSITES

First15: a daily devotional I (Craig) write that’s helping more than a million believers around the world begin their day in worship, reading, and prayer. You can get our devotionals every day first thing for free by going to First15.org.



1. Would you say God is at the center of your marriage currently? In what ways would you like to pursue God and put him first as a family?

2. What would it take in the season that’s coming to make space to spend 15–30 minutes alone with God every day? What would you need from each other practically?

3. Mom, in what ways do you need to see God as not just a model father, but mother as well? How can a new perspective help you go to God for the example you need? What would it take to develop that new perspective in preparation for the season that’s coming?

4. What rhythms can you be flexible with when it comes to your pursuit of God? Where can you give yourselves freedom and grace knowing how much flexibility a new baby requires? Decide where there’s some give and where you want to be steadfast.

5. Where do you struggle seeing God as a good parent? What life experiences or even theological beliefs are at odds with a pursuit of placing God as your highest and best example of what it means to parent well? Process your personal thoughts, then share them together.

6. What would you like to do now personally to develop a greater closeness with God in preparation for having your baby? In what ways can you draw nearer to God that he might draw even nearer to you (James 4:8)?

7. As we head into a time of prayer, what do each of you need prayer for? Process your thoughts, questions, and emotions with one another to enter into a time of prayer with openness and humility.


NOTESGUIDED PR AYER

1. As we begin, close your eyes, take some deep, long breaths, and ask God for a greater awareness of his presence with you right now. Take some time to simply be still and know that he is God and he is good (Psalm 46:10).

2. Reflect on the character of God as a good parent. What verses come to mind that talk about God being a good parent? Think about his self-sacrifice, think about his empathy and compassion, think about his grace and mercy, think about his loving discipline, think about his provision and his desire to be near to his people. Whatever stands out to you most, take some time to process your thoughts and emotions and simply sit with the revelation of God’s character you need the most.

3. Ask God for his thoughts on you being a parent, and make space to listen. Pay attention to any thoughts, words, pictures, or feelings or intuitions you receive. Get a sense of his excitement and joy to parent with you as you receive this beautiful gift from him.

Our heavenly parent,You are guide, and

You are friend.

You are working in and around usIn ways broader and deeper

Than we can see or know.

Give us a sense today of you working. Give us a picture of what it means

To parent with you instead ofParenting alone.

May your presence be our source. May your love be our love.

May your character mold and shape us. May your grace sustain us.

Help us to stay near to youEven as we make room for a new life.

Teach us how to draw close to youEven in the chaos and noise of life.

Teach us to be still and knowThat you are God and you are good.

And in you we will find all we need both nowAnd for the season that is to come,.

Amen.


D A Y 2

SCRIP TURE

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

—Matthew 6:21

CRAIG

Becoming a good steward

I never knew the depth of my ability to love until I held Wesley, then Wells, for the first time.

Ten years of loving Rachel, a lifetime of loving my family, friends, and God—none of it could prepare me for the depth of love I experienced when I became a dad.

And that reality makes it so hard to remember that my highest calling as a parent isn’t simply to love my children well, but ultimately to teach them that my love is a pale reflection of the immense love their heavenly Father has for them. My highest calling is to steward the gift of my children on behalf of my Father; to love them, protect them, provide for them, and point them toward a life lived in a thriving relationship with God.

God has no grandchildren. Everyone who accepts his invitation into eternal relationship is his child first and foremost. There is something so wonderful, so

“Money often costs too much.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson


AND ULT IMATELY, THEY

HAVE A PERFECT PARENT

IN GOD, EVEN IN THE

MIDST OF OUR OWN

IMPERFECTIONS.

freeing, about realizing that ultimately our children are God’s. He cares about their well-being far more than we ever could. He has a real plan for them that is better than we could ever imagine. He loves them more presently and more fully than you or I could ever hope to.

And ultimately, they have a perfect parent in God, even in the midst of our own imperfections.

As challenging as it is to entrust my boys to God every day, it is far easier if you begin that process of trust now. Entrust him with your child, even while he or she is in the womb. Entrust him with your finances, your future, the process and pain of delivery, the countless decisions you will make together for your child, and whatever life your child chooses to live.

Choose now to live both as a parent and a steward, following the prompting of the Spirit and holding in tension your need to both lead and follow.

Practically, there are a few key areas I want to encourage you to begin with.

First is your finances. As taboo as it is to talk about money, and as much as I want to steer clear of telling you how to spend what God has given you, you are now entering into a different reality as a family.

Jesus spent almost as much time (in the stories we have in Scripture) talking about money as he did any other topic. The Bible contains more than a shocking five hundred verses that deal directly with money. Ultimately, how we spend or save our resources expresses the things that matter most to us.

Rachel and I are both spenders. We love food, fun, vacation, things, music, and gifts. Neither of us is bent toward saving on any significant level. It is so hard for both of us to say no to something now for the sake of what’s coming in the future. When you look at our life, it’s easy to see that often our highest value, what matters most to us, is enjoying each moment to the fullest.

But in starting a family, there’s a reality that this baby cannot provide for itself. Everything this baby needs, we have to supply. When we decided to move to formula with Wells (our second), we had to plan for a new expense that provided his entire diet. The opportunities our kids will have in the future, their experiences, will largely depend on our ability to save and invest in them.

Begin now in deciding how you want to save for your future as a family. Ask God for his wisdom and direction. Cast off the need to follow what others around you are doing. And seek to be the steward you believe God is calling you to be of your finances, whether that means saving or spending.

Second, it’s vital that you grow as a steward of your attention.

While time has always been our most precious resource, there is a reality, looking just in the realm of social media, that what the world wants most is y our attention.

Have you ever wondered why Instagram and Facebook (just to name two platforms) are free?


RESOURCES

supply the energy you’ll need, and see your energy as one of your most valuable resources to give.

As your family dynamic changes in every area of life with a new baby, use this time as an opportunity to create a new environment to grow as good stewards. Make a plan, then be flexible with it. See your growth as stewards as a daily process with God as your source, working in and through you to both provide and sustain everything you and your family needs.

And as you grow in the practical areas of stewardship, allow that to empower you to grow in the area that matters most: stewarding your child into a loving, connected relationship with their heavenly Father.

Why would a company give away a product or service used by billions of people around the world?

The reality is that your attention is their product. They are working their hardest to capture as much of your attention as possible every day and sell it to the highest bidder through advertising.

The older my children get, the more I realize that the thing they want most from

me is not toys, or food, or experiences. The thing they want most is simply my attention.

As much as Wesley loves climbing on anything and everything, he cares most that I am there to watch him. It’s not enough that I’m in the same room as him. It’s not enough that I bought the toys he’s playing with or provided the home he’s living in. We could live anywhere and be playing with anything so long as he has my attention.

Make a plan now for how often you will have your phones on you. Set aside times where you simply enjoy one another as a family free from the distraction of technology. Choose to steward your time and attention now, so as your child grows, you’ll have as much of it to give as possible.

And lastly, I want to encourage you to become a good steward of your energy.

Rachel has already written on this so well, so I’ll simplify this point for us today. Learn what gives you energy, and what gives your spouse energy, then work as hard as you can to fill your tanks as often as you can. Support one another, develop rhythms that

BOOKS

Dave Ramsey's Complete Guide To Money, by Dave Ramsey

Rule of Life Workbook, by Bridgetown Church

"The greatest legacy one can pass on to one's children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one's life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.”

—Billy Graham



1. Where are you doing well as a steward personally? Where do you feel wired or gifted to provide and keep the resources you, your spouse, and your family needs? Process personally, then share your thoughts together.

2. Where do you need to grow as a steward personally? Find one area of growth that you feel is most important, then process both the challenge and opportunity of growing in that area. Share your thoughts together after you’ve had space to process.

3. Where are you good stewards as a couple? In what ways are you already equipped to steward what you have now and what you will have in the future?

4. Where do you need to grow in stewardship as a couple? And how can you learn and grow those skills now as a team in preparation for the days to come?

5. Talk for a bit about your family histories. How did your parents handle money? How did they steward their attention and energy? In what areas were they good stewards, and in what areas were they not? What do you want to bring forward from your family, and what do you want to leave behind?

6. What’s one practical step you can take today personally to become a better steward? Instead of trying to grow everywhere, find the one place that will move the needle the most for you personally.

7. What’s one practical step you can take today as a couple? Maybe it’s reading a book on financial management or finding a financial planner. Maybe it’s taking a break from social media, or developing a better balance of alone time and being with people. How can you grow together as stewards today?


NOTESGUIDED PR AYER

1. Begin by reflecting on these words from Jesus on stewardship. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring revelation to your heart and mind as you read them over a few times. “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” —Matthew 6:19–21

2. Are there any areas you're spending your resources, whether they be time, talent, or treasure, that aren’t producing good fruit in your life? Lay those areas before your heavenly Father, ask for his forgiveness, and ask for his wisdom on ways you can better steward your resources for the sake of true abundant life (John 10:10).

3. Take some time to be still in God’s presence. Allow the Holy Spirit to paint a picture of what a life of good stewardship could look like. Allow him to fill you with the desire and courage you need to truly grow as a steward. Cast aside obligation and allow the goal of a richer and better life in the most important ways to take root in your heart.

Our good steward,With every resource in all of creation being yours,

You’ve chosen to value love above all.

With the ability to own and enjoyAll of creation for yourself,

You’ve instead chosen to share it with us.

You’ve entrusted your world, and even a new life,

To us.

Teach us what it means to stewardThe wonderful gift of a new life.

Teach us how to care for it, provide for it,Love it, and attend to it

With capacity and joy in our hearts.

Grow and transform us Into the caretakers of your most precious resource,

Your child.

Encourage and equip us To save where we need to save,To give where we need to give,

To invest where we need to invest,And to become who you’ve made us to be.

And above all,May we steward the opportunityOf mirroring your steadfast love,

That our little one may growWith an ever-present picture

Of who you are.

In your powerful name we pray.

Amen.


SCRIP TURE

“Pray without ceasing.” —1 Thessalonians 5:17

“Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”

—Jeremiah 33:3

CRAIG

DAY 3

A praying parent

In Luke 11:9–13, Jesus teaches us about the power of prayer and the love of the Father:

“And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

All throughout the New Testament, we find the words of Jesus imploring us to pray to our Father with faith, believing that he is at least as good as we could imagine he is.

There is no spiritual discipline more rewarding, more connecting, more filling than conversation with God.

“You don’t have to do everything right as a parent, but there is one thing you cannot afford to get wrong. That one thing is prayer. You’ll never be a perfect parent, but you can be a praying parent.”

—Mark Batterson, Praying Circles Around Your Children


I grew up as the son of a pastor in Dallas. For most of my life, I have gotten questions from well-meaning people asking why I never walked away from my faith like so many children of ministers. And to be frank, being the son of a pastor is a special kind of hard.

But when I look back, I think the main reason I feel so connected to God today isn’t primarily because of my father’s (and mother’s) gifted speaking, or because our youth group was especially amazing, or because I went to a good Christian college, but because I saw my parents pray. My parents told me they prayed for me every day, and pretty often I would check to see if they were.

Growing up, my dad had this tiny desk in his closet with his Christian stuff on it. Morning after morning, I would interrupt him to ask a question, mostly out of curiosity for what he was doing. And I remember this one special morning when I actually heard him praying for me. That moment, maybe more than any other moment, showed me that God was real and good, at least for my dad.

I tell you that story not just to brag on my dad (If you ever read this, I love you, Dad), but to share with you an important principle outlined in the words of Jesus in Luke 11.

We don’t just pray to God because we should. (That motivation can and honestly should only last a little while.) We don’t just seek God because somewhere, at some point, we were taught that we should check off our God box . . . at least occasionally.

We pray because God is listening. We listen because God is speaking. We seek because when we seek God, we find him. And finding and keeping real connection with God changes us and those that we love, especially our families.

In the season that is to come, you will encounter challenge after challenge in yourself, your spouse, and your new family. Like a wave, life somehow goes from being fairly steady, with the occasional high and low to a swell that takes you to highs higher than you thought possible; then, thirty minutes later, to a lower point than you’ve ever known before.

I remember distinctly this one thirty-minute period where I literally went from thinking that life couldn’t get any better to then knowing what parents mean when they say they could kill their child. I’m not speaking in hyperbole—literally thirty minutes.

And when those storms come, taking you from high to low faster than you thought possible, the only vessel that can carry you through safely is prayer.

It’s in prayer that God brings peace; not through our circumstances, but in the midst of them (Philippians 4:7). It’s in prayer that we find wisdom given not just occasionally, but generously ( James 1:5). It’s in prayer that we bring our weaknesses and strengths before God Almighty and find him to be stronger and more present than we could have imagined (2 Corinthians 12:9).

“Prayer is the way we take our hands off and place our children in the hands of God.” —Mark Batterson, Praying Circles Around Your Children

BUT WHEN I LOOK BACK, I

THINK THE MAIN REASON

I FEEL SO CONNECTED TO

GOD . . . [ IS] BECAUSE I

SAW MY PARENTS PRAY.


RESOURCES

So today, as we move into a time of conversation and prayer, talk about how you both experience prayer. What troubles you about it? What gets you excited? Do you believe you can hear God’s voice? How has prayer shaped your life up until now?

And how can you both invite the presence and wisdom of God to meet you in the place of prayer for yourself, for each other, and for your new little one?

May prayer carry you through the seasons of life, demonstrate the power and reality of God to you and your little one, and ultimately weave more of God’s voice and presence into the story of your family day by day.

BOOKS

Book of Hours, by Thomas Merton

Praying Circles Around Your Children, by Mark Batterson

Prayer, by Richard Foster

PRAYER JOURNALS

Prayer journals from Val Marie Paper Co., ValMariePaper.com

Marked by Prayer: A Parents' Prayer Journal, ChristianParenting.org

WEBSITES

“When Your Mind Wanders in Prayer,” article on First15.org

F INDING AND KEEPING REAL

CONNECTION WITH GOD CHANGES

US AND THOSE THAT WE LOVE,

ESPECIALLY OUR FAMIL IES.



1. Talk about your family histories with prayer. Did you see your parents pray? Was prayer a meaningful part of your family dynamic, whether it was before meals, at church gatherings, or in any other rhythm? How has your history shaped your view of prayer in the home up until this point?

2. What does your personal prayer life look like now? When you pray, how does the conversation with God normally go? Do you journal, or simply ask for what you need? What rhythms in your life normally incorporate prayer? Know that while there is always an opportunity to go deeper with God, there is no wrong answer here. His grace covers all. Share your thoughts with one another after you’ve processed.

3. As you pray, do you make space to listen or simply be still? When you have a conversation with God, who does most of the talking?

4. What does prayer look like for you as a couple? Are there rhythms or common circumstances that bring you to prayer together? How has prayer played a role in your relationship and in your home up until this point?

5. What would you like for your personal prayer life to look like? What honest desires do you have to incorporate conversation with God more into the flow of your daily life? Once you’ve processed personally, share your thoughts with one another.

6. What would you like for your prayer life to look like as a couple? What mutual desires do you have when it comes to incorporating conversations with God into the rhythms of your life now? How can you foresee wanting prayer to play a role in the family as you have a new baby?

7. What’s one practical step you can take today to deepen your personal prayer life? Write it down for yourself, then share that action step with your spouse.

8. What’s one practical step you can take today as a couple to bring conversation with God into your family dynamic? Write down your thoughts, then share them with each other. Find one step you can both commit to that resonates with your earnest desires to converse with God more as a family.


GUIDED PR AYERNOTES

1. As we begin, reflect on these words from Paul on prayer. In Colossians 4:2, he writes, “Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.” Allow Scripture to stir up an honest desire to have an ongoing conversation with God.

2. Next, talk with God about your earnest desire for conversation with him. Find what words are authentic and resonate with you, and allow God to get a sense through your words of your authentic desire to talk with him.

3. Now ask God to share his heart to converse with you. Ask him what he wants to say to you, why he loves to hear you, and why conversation with you specifically is so meaningful for him. Pay attention to any thoughts, words, scriptures, pictures, or intuitions that you get.

Our good God,The very fact that you want to talk with us

As your people is better than words can describe.

Though we might not hear it,In all ways, at all times, you are speaking.

Through your word, you are speaking. Through your creation, you are speaking.

Through your Spirit to ours, you are speaking.

Teach us how to listen. Bring a greater measure of faith to our hearts.

When we don’t know which way to go, teach us to pray. In the highs and lows of life, teach us to pray.

In moments of chaos, teach us to pray. In moments of peace, teach us to pray.

May your voice, your presence, and your wisdomBe woven into the fabric of our lives as we

Make space to speak together.

Amen.


SCRIP TURE

“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” —1 Corinthians 10:31

“Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life.” —John 6:27

CRAIG

Do the hard work nowD A Y 4

I am a constant procrastinator, much to the chagrin of my highly productive and diligent wife. When she sees a need, she jumps right in to resolve it. When I see a need, I read four articles, journal, give myself some space, and find joy more in the idea of getting something done well rather than actually doing it.

It’s to the point now where I am sincerely jealous of people who are good at simply getting things done. I wish I was more motivated by action than ideas, more satisfied with crossing things off a list than putting good things on it. But whether by wiring or upbringing, that just seems to not be my lot.

But there is something uniquely powerful about the season that you are in right now, and the season that is coming. You might literally never have a better chance to shift habits, create rhythms, and implement ways to satiate your dreams and desires than right now. And don’t just take my word for it.

“Though I am always in a haste, I am never in a hurry, because I never undertake more work than I can go through with perfect calmness of spirit.” —John Wesley


WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO L IVE BASED

ON THE PRINCIPLES OF GOD ’S

KINGDOM INSTEAD OF THE WAYS OF

THE WORLD, YOUR FAMILY WILL BE ALL

THE BET TER FOR IT.

In his widely acclaimed book The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg demonstrates that, potentially, the only common occurrence among those who actually changed their habits was a major life transition. Whether it’s a change in season of life, moving jobs or cities, or a tragedy that happens to us, research has proven that far and away the best time to change or form new habits is in life transition.

And for better or worse, you bought a one-way ticket to a major life transition by getting pregnant.

So the opportunity before you is to decide right now, together, to do the hard work of deciding what you want your family to look like. And to take the pressure off for a second, you cannot and will not get this 100 percent right. What will make your world go round in the seasons to come is grace and flexibility more than strategy and discipline.

But I don’t want you to miss the opportunity in front of you to partner with the Holy Spirit in deciding on some common practices you want to implement as your family expands. I encourage you to do the hard work now to make those practices a reality.


In Psalm 128:1–4, the psalmist writes beautifully:

“Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.” (emphasis added)

What I glean from these words is a principle: your whole home, every member of your family, is richly blessed when you do the hard work God sets before you to do.

When you set up rhythms to spend meaningful time alone with God; when you say no to workaholism; when you choose to invest in your mental, emotional, physical, and financial health; when you choose to live based on the principles of God’s kingdom instead of the ways of

the world, your family will be all the better for it.

If you have significant problems in your life right now—maybe it’s an addiction, maybe it’s an insecurity, maybe it’s a wound from your past or a misconception from your family—choose to do the hard work now.

If you have problems in your marriage, things that haven’t felt significant enough to deal with yet—assumptions, hurts, or fear—do the hard work now. Get them out in the open, maybe with the guidance of a counselor, and begin a process of greater mutual respect, love, and understanding.

RESOURCES

“I have seen many men work without praying, though I have never seen any good come out of it; but I have never seen a man pray without working.”

—Hudson Taylor

Once the baby arrives, you will be shocked at how much more your families are around than ever before. So if you have problems with your family, choose to have empathetic but honest conversations with them. Set up boundaries. Make sure you're on a team together as a couple more than any other team. And work toward the best relationship possible with your baby’s uncles, aunts, and grandparents.

You cannot and will not finish the hard work you start now, but starting is the hardest part. Let it begin today.

As you move into a time of discussion, ask the Holy Spirit to bring clarity to where he wants to work with you in this immensely valuable season of preparation. Instead of trying to fix everything, start with what matters the most to God, most to you, and most to your spouse, then go from there.

And above all else, have grace for yourself and one another as your heavenly Father has grace for you.

May God do a truly transformative work in you as you make room for a new life. And may you and your family reap the fruit of the good, hard work you do in this season.

BOOKS

The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg

Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

At Home in the World: A Rule of Life for the Rest of Us, by Margaret Guenther

Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, by Pete Scazerro



1. What personal habits would you like to see change before the baby arrives? Where are you spending your time and energy that you don’t feel are beneficial to you and to those you care about most?

2. What personal habits would you like to begin before the baby arrives? Instead of shooting for the moon, think about one thing you believe matters most—one new thing you want to incorporate.

3. What family habits would you like to see change as a couple? Find one area you can do the hard work of transitioning to make space for things that are more meaningful.

4. What family habit would you like to begin as a couple? What’s one thing you can both agree on that honestly resonates with you both?

5. What hard work do you need to do in having conversations or setting boundaries with your extended families? Seek in moments like these to humbly listen to each other, to care more about the needs and desires of your spouse than you do your parents or siblings. What rhythms and boundaries do you need to create to both thrive when the baby arrives? And what work needs to happen to make those boundaries a reality?

6. Are there areas outside of habits and boundaries you need to do some hard work together? Are there addictions you need to break, wounds that need to be healed, or hard conversations that need to be had to come to a place of mutual empathy and understanding?

7. How can you weave the hard work you want to do into your existing tools and flow of life? How can you incorporate the work into your calendars, planners, date nights, time with family or at church, car rides, morning rhythms, etc?

8. If you had to pick one overarching goal your family to work toward, what would it be? And how will your rhythms, relationships, and habits support the work toward that goal?


NOTES

1. As we begin, make some space to rest in the power and presence of God. Acknowledge that the hard work he sets before you is never something you have to do alone. He is strong where you are weak (2 Corinthians 12:9). He is a healer where you are wounded. He is a provider while you are a receiver. He is God while you are not. Be still as his presence and power draws you near.

2. Bring before God the hard work you want to do personally. Ask him for insights and wisdom. Ask him if this truly is the work he has for you to do, or if he has something better in mind. Make space to receive and process what he would say.

3. Bring before God the hard work you want to do as a couple. Does this hard work align with where is he leading your family? Does it align with how he’s wired you and what he’s called you to? Make space to listen, receive, and process whatever he would say to you.

Heavenly Father, Thank you that in all work you set before us,

You are working in and through usIn ways seen and unseen.

You never send us out away from you,But your Spirit always goes with us.

Father, we need your healing. We need your wisdom. We need your power.

We need your encouragement.

Paint a picture for us, Holy Spirit,Of how life might look

If we do the hard work now.

Show us where stress could become peace. Show us where wounds could become healed.

Show us where captivity could become liberation. And show us where strife could become harmony.

Encourage, equip, and empower us For the hard work ahead,

For your glory and our good.

Amen.

GUIDED PR AYER


“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you.” —Psalm 55:22

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” —Matthew 11:28–29

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” —Philippians 4:6

SCRIP TURE

At the end of the day, it’s God’s child

D A Y 5


CRAIG

BUT THERE’S A REALIT Y YOU GET TO CHOOSE TO ACCEPT

IN YOUR CORE AS A BEL IEVER THAT HAS THE POWER TO

PRODUCE PEACE, COMFORT, AND LOVING ACTION IN

YOUR L IFE . THAT REALIT Y IS THAT, ULT IMATELY, THIS BABY

IS GOD ’S CHILD.

We’ve made it. The last day of four weeks of good work together.

You deserve a party, like a real party. Feel free to throw one for each other in your own honor.

Today, we’re wrapping up with what I hope is the most uplifting day yet.

There’s this crazy reality when you become a parent that this little life is in your hands. And that reality is true. I remember how daunting it felt leaving the hospital. Like, I didn’t have to take a test and pass to be able to have kids. No one gave us permission, or even told us it was a good idea. We just wanted to have kids, and so we did. And suddenly, I had this human under my care, whether I was ready for that responsibility or not.

I must have driven half the speed limit on our way home from the hospital. Rachel and I both yelled at

cars that got too close. I remember being so nervous carrying the car seat into the house and putting Wesley down in his crib the first time. Everything just felt so fragile.

But there’s a reality you get to choose to accept in your core as a believer that has the power to produce peace, comfort, and loving action in your life. That reality is that, ultimately, this baby is God’s child.

God has, does, and will love your new baby more than you could ever hope to. He has plans to care for it, provide for it, speak to it, and know it in ways far greater and more intimate than either of you can.

And God’s best plan is to do all of that with you. But when you fail—and you will fail—God still has both you and your child. Where you are weak, God will be strong. Where your marriage falls short of the picture of God’s relationship with us, he will cover all with his own pursuit and love of your child.


RESOURCES

And maybe the most beautiful part of it all is that the best way to make space for God to work in the life of your child is to be fully open about your weaknesses and God’s strengths. The pathway to joy and a loving relationship is asking for forgiveness when you mess up, thanking God for his grace, and being as real as you can with this precious life that is looking more for attention and authenticity than perfection.

So today (before you party), take time to give God any weight of perfection. Talk to your spouse about where you feel the greatest pull toward trying to be anything and everything your child will need. Choose vulnerability. And decide together, whenever the weight gets too heavy, to remind each other that before you are a parent, you are a child of God, and that before your baby is your child, he or she is God’s.

May your time of conversation and prayer today wrap up this good work by placing every weight, every burden, and every care in the capable hands of your God. And may God’s capability and availability bring peace to even those areas that were most burdened.

“Children do not find it difficult or complicated to talk to their parents, nor do they feel embarrassed to bring the simplest need to their attention. Neither should we hesitate to bring the simplest requests confidently to the Father.”

—Richard J. Foster

BOOKS

Peace: Finding Rest in a Stressed-Out World, by Craig Denison

The Practice of the Presence of God, by Brother Lawrence

Raising Kingdom Kids, by Tony Evans



1. Where do you personally need to give weight and burden over to God today? Where are you trying to control things that are simply outside of your control? Where can you let God be God today? Process personally and then share with your spouse.

2. Where do you need to give weight and burden over to God as a couple? Where are you working and striving all the while God is saying that his yoke is easy and his burden is light? What can you surrender to him today? Take some time to identify areas that stand out to you personally, then process them as a couple.

3. How can you make space every day to give God the weight of leading your family? What can you do to surrender your child, your future, your finances, and your relationship to God and then simply work with him (as opposed to for him) in his timing and leading?

4. As you wrap up this workbook, what have been your biggest takeaways personally?

5. What have been your biggest takeaways as a couple?

6. What’s one thing you can do to best love yourself both in this season of preparation and when the baby is born?

7. What’s one thing you’ve discovered you can do to best love each other now and when the baby arrives?


GUIDED PR AYERNOTES

1. As we begin this final time of prayer, take some time in your own words to thank God for meeting with you, speaking to you, and equipping you. In whatever way is most honest, let God know what you are most grateful for.

2. Now give God the burdens that are weighing you down most right now. Maybe it’s your future, the act of giving birth, or an area that will change like sleep or freedom. Whatever it might be, surrender that burden to God and receive his peace.

3. And lastly, take some time to express gratitude to God for the gift of your spouse. Thank him for how they are wired, for a partner to journey with in this adventure of parenting.

Heavenly Father,Thank you that we don’t

Have to parent alone.

But you are with us in and through it all.

There will never be a day That you won’t have us.

There will never be a stormYou cannot calm.

This gift of new life is firstAnd foremost your child.

Every weight, every burden,We give to you.

Every fear, every concern,We give to you.

You are the Great Preparer,You are Lord of all,

And we say today anewThat you are Lord of us.

Fill us, teach us, bear the fruitOf your presence in our lives, we pray.

Amen.


“You are a child of God, and . . . before your baby is your child, he or she is God’s.

128

Let’sAND AT THE END OF THE DAY, THE

FACT THAT YOU GENUINELY CARE IS

WHAT WILL HELP YOU THE MOST.

129

party!

130

WE MAY NOT KNOW YOU PERSONALLY, BUT KNOW THAT

WE LOVE YOU. WE WOULD LOVE TO CONNECT YOU WITH

MORE PARENTING RESOURCES, SO SHOOT US A L INE AT

CRAIGANDRACHEL@CHRIST IANPARENTING.ORG.

131

Well, now you are 100-percent ready to raise a newborn together. From here on out, it’s clear skies, no bumps in the road.

Just kidding.But seriously, we do hope that you feel at least a bit more prepared practically and spiritually for the amazing, really hard, and beautiful season that’s coming.

The simple fact that you would sit down together and go through a book like this should tell you all you need to know about yourselves as parents. You’re parents who care. You care about this little one and you care about each other.

And at the end of the day, the fact that you genuinely care is what will help you the most.

Remember that you are in this together with a heavenly Father who is there for you and who loves you and your little one more than you can know. Whatever may come your way, you have everything you need to get through it and come out the other side better for it.

You do not have to be perfect. You will not be perfect.

But as long as you are for each other, as long as you look to God, and as long as you get back up and keep trying, you will find your family to be the best and richest gift you could have ever asked for.

So, seriously, before the baby gets here, throw yourselves a party. Say, “We told you so.” Celebrate one another. Celebrate life, love, and God.

And as you celebrate, look forward with joy and expectation to the beautiful days of celebration that are to come.

May God bless you and your little one with joy, life, love, and peace, as he so richly desires to. And best of luck to you both.

MUCH LOVE,

RACHEL AND CRAIG DENISON

133

ABOUT CHRISTIAN PARENTING

We want to be better parents. We want to give our children the love and attention they need. But our lives are so busy, and we’re stretched so thin,

that it can be hard to do more than the status quo.

So we created Christian Parenting to give parents everywhere the practical and spiritual help they need, on as many platforms as possible.

With the right resources given to you in the right ways, growth can happen in the midst of the busyness. You don’t need to be perfect. In fact, growth

comes as you embrace becoming perfectly imperfect.

Go to ChristianParenting.org to find out how.

134

18 “Everyone should have kids”: Ray Romano, Everything and a Kite (Bantam Books, 1999), 73.

23 “Great marriages don’t happen by luck”: Dave Willis (davewillis78), “Great marriages don’t happen by luck or by accident.”, Facebook post, May 6, 2017, https://www.facebook.com/davewillis78/posts/great-marriages-dont-happen-by-luck-or-by-accident-they-are-the-result-of-a-cons/1856591827998213/.

31 “Focusing on yourself can help”: Jessica Elliott, “Mommy Burnout, Part 2: Here's How To (Really, Actually) Fix It,” DFWChild (DFWChild, December 2019), https://d f w c h i l d . c o m / 2 0 1 9 / 1 2 / 0 1 / m o mmy-burnout-part-2-how-to-fix-it/.

32 “Self-care is not selfish”: Jessica Elliott, “Mommy Burnout, Part 2: Here's How To (Really, Actually) Fix It,” DFWChild (DFWChild, December 2019), https://d f w c h i l d . c o m / 2 0 1 9 / 1 2 / 0 1 / m o mmy-burnout-part-2-how-to-fix-it/.

32 “Would you deprive your child of ”: Julie Burton, The Self-Care Solution: A Modern Mother's Must-Have Guide to Health and Well-Being (Berkeley, CA: She Writes Press 2016).

38 “Is your own personal prayer life”: Brennan Manning, The Furious Longing of God (Colorado Springs, CO: David C Cook, 2009), 44.

46 “Like a handful of sand”: Hilarion Alfeyev, The Spiritual World Of Isaac The Syrian (Trappist, KY: Liturgical Press 2016).

48 “Perfectionism is not the same thing as”: Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are (Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing 2010), 56.

51 “Striving is stealing our joy”: Jennie Allen, Nothing to Prove: Why We Can Stop Trying So Hard (New York: Crown Publishing Group 2018), 48.

52 “Grace believes the best”: Greg Smalley, “Giving Your Spouse Grace,” Focus on the Family, January 3, 2017, https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/giving-your-spouse-grace/.

58 “Vulnerability is not winning or losing”: Brené Brown, Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (New York: Random House 2017), 4.

61 “Dependence starts when we are born”: Brown, 82.

65 “And this mess is so big”: Dr. Seuss, The Cat in the Hat (New York: Random House Publishing, 2013).

66 “Cleaning your house”: Phyllis Diller, quoted in Richard Benson, Dad's Wit and Wisdom: Quips and Quotes for Fantastic Fathers (United Kingdom: Summersdale), 2018.

67 “Having children is like”: Ray Romano, quoted in Jon Strain and Pam Strain, Spiritual Seeds: How to Cultivate Spiritual Wealth Within Your Future Children (United States: Elevate Publishing, 2015), 75.

75 “Don’t say you’re okay”: Jeremy and Adrienne Camp, In Unison: the Unfinished Story of Jeremy and Adrienne Camp (Harvest House Publishers, 2020), 25.

79 there are simple, essential ways: April Eldemire, “3 Tips for Couples to Stay Connected After Baby,” The Gottman Institute, March 13, 2017, https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-tips-for-couples-to-stay-connected-after-baby/.

80 “At the heart of the Seven Principles”: John Gottman, PhD, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (New York: Harmony Books, 1999).

135

79 “With your partner by your side”: April Eldemire, “3 Tips for Couples to Stay Connected After Baby,” The Gottman Institute, March 13, 2017, https://www.gottman.com/blog/3-tips-for-couples-to-stay-connected-after-baby/.

80 “Try arguing with someone who”: Jeremy and Adrienne Camp, In Unison: The Unfinished Story of Jeremy and Adrienne Camp (Harvest House Publishers, 2020), 50.

84 “And finally, in our time”: John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley in Search of America (New York: Penguin Publishing Group, 1980), 39–40.

85 “Balancing family and work”: Catherine E. Aponte PsyD, A Marriage of Equals: How to Achieve Balance in a Committed Relationship (Berkeley, CA: She Writes Press, 2019).

89 “When we begin to set boundaries”: Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2008).

93 “The big secret to creating a love that lasts”: John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams, Rachel Carlton Abrams, Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (New York: Workman Publishing Co., 2018), 4.

101 “What people revere”: Greg Beale, We Become What We Worship (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2009), 284.

101 “[H]ere's something else that's weird but true”: David Foster Wallace, 2005 commencement address at Kenyon College, https://www.1843magazine.com/story/david-foster-wallace-in-his-own-words.

107 “Money often costs too much”: Ralph Waldo Emerson, Emerson: Essays and Lectures (New York: Penguin, 1983), 991.

108 “The greatest legacy one can pass”: Billy Graham as recounted by Robin M. Bertram in No Regrets: How Loving Deeply and Living Passionately Can Impact Your Legacy Forever (Lake Mary: Charisma House, 2017), 148.

112 “You don’t have to do everything right”: Mark Batterson, Praying Circles Around Your Children (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2012), 11.

113 “Prayer is the way”: Batterson, 19.

117 “Though I am always in a haste”: John Wesley, The Works of the Reverend John Wesley, A. M. (New York: B. Waugh and T. Mason, for the Methodist Episcopal Church, 1835), 784.

118 the only common occurrence among those: Charles Duhigg, The Power of Habit (New York: Random House, 2012).

119 “I have seen many men work without praying”: Hudson Taylor, quoted in Stuart McAlpine, Just Asking: Restoring the Soul of Prayer. (WestBow Press, 2018).

124 “Children do not find it difficult”: Richard J. Foster, Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth (New York: Harper Collins, 1988), 40–41.

NOTES

A PARENT’S GUIDE TO a New Baby · 2020. 9. 15. · 6 A PARENTS GUIDE TO A NEW BABY Craig and...

Documents

Transcript of A PARENT’S GUIDE TO a New Baby · 2020. 9. 15. · 6 A PARENTS GUIDE TO A NEW BABY Craig and...