A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

download A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

of 72

Transcript of A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    1/72

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    2/72

    I sat cleaning out my closets for a garage sale, and I stumbled across a box of old sketch

    books and paintings I had done many years ago. And in the bottom of the box was a binder I had

    thought was gone forever. In that binder was poems and stories I had written in that long ago

    time. Most were made up, a story for sorts. But some were real. They were all from the heart.

    Deep inside the heart. Where the light of day is never seen, but the heat of passion rages with avengeance. The first part of this book tells a story. I wont ruin the story by trying to explain it

    other than to say, much of it is true. This was a very dark period of my life. My paintings echoed

    the pain of my poems. And my poems, they were the body of my paintings. Most of those

    paintings are long gone. Some were sold, but may were forgotten or destroyed. But the poems

    and the stories they tell, somehow they managed to survive. The tale is a dark one, often

    teetering on the fine line between sanity and insanity. I had one light during these times. Now

    long forgotten, but yet, always in the back of my mind somewhere. When I started writing this

    book, memories, both good and dark, came flooding back. And so did she. I search the internetand found her. I couldnt believe what I was seeing. But there she was, on the screen of my

    computer, staring back. She was never more than a good friend, but that was all she needed to

    be. We both had struggles back then, trying our damnedest to get through, and put it all in a

    dark closet in our minds. Most all of what is written here was originally written between 1988 and

    1989. I open this book with one of my favorite poems, by Mary Mackey. It is a poem, that while

    written a long time ago, it still has deep meaning in todays society. I hope this story envelopes

    you, dearest reader, and makes you think back, way back. This time was real for all of us, at

    some point or another, growing up was not so easy.

    Jake Oreshan

    May 2008

    Cover photo by Tracie Cochran

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    3/72

    The poem When I was a Child I Played with the Boys appeared in "Split Ends" published by Mama's Press, Oakland, CA. and has been reprinted with

    the express written permission of the author.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    4/72

    When I was a child I played with the boys

    When I was a child

    I played with the boys

    and (because I was the only girl)

    they made me

    be

    the Indians

    My name was Fox Woman

    and they hunted me

    like dogs

    My name was

    White Bird

    and I flew to escape them

    My name was Last Star

    the last

    of my people

    My name was

    Sunset

    for they caught me

    and burned me

    My name was

    Wont Talk

    for I never

    betrayed us

    Time after time

    the boys shot me down

    and I came back

    Red Witch

    Wild Chanting

    Came back

    Ghost Dance

    came back

    Bad Dream

    came back

    Cant Forget

    and Crazy-With-Grief

    I know where they went

    those boys with their guns

    theyre still hunting Indians

    look, you can see

    their names are

    Spills Blood

    and Kills-Without-Mercy

    copyright Mary Mackey, 1974

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    5/72

    Table of Contents

    Part I

    The poetic storyTrees, flowers, people and everything in general

    evil

    time

    contact

    the tree of life

    winter

    I, the flower

    crazy?

    give it a rest

    thoughts

    The girl, the boy and the troubles

    Her (part 1)

    Her (part 2)

    An ending

    Security

    Past, present and future

    Yesterday

    Today

    Tomorrow

    See me then, now and no more

    Nighttime, dreams and baggy eyes

    Sleep

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    6/72

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    7/72

    My moon

    Part III

    The stories

    The mirror of sanity

    How to build a dirty bomb

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    8/72

    Part I

    The poetic story

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    9/72

    Trees, flowers, people and everything in general

    evil

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    10/72

    I wish to feel

    what life has for me,

    all thats good

    and evil.

    the good is good

    and the evil even better

    to watch and feel,

    to see what it can do.

    to see who it can harm.

    to watch

    with wide glaring eyes,

    to see it all unfold

    before my very life.

    time

    the morning light is dim.

    a bleak, cold day ahead.

    people are extremely mad

    to be up at this hour.

    rushing to and fro,

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    11/72

    afraid of being late.

    late for life

    late for death

    contact

    why are people?

    strange as can be.

    a machine out of control.

    we no longer run our lives,

    they are controlled,

    not by the brain,

    but rather

    by contact.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    12/72

    contact with a fucked up world.

    a world no longer able.

    to let us live as humans,

    but rather

    we live as zombies

    the tree of life

    life is but a tree.

    in season it is vibrant.

    a living giant.

    in other seasons it is bleak.

    a dead clot.

    cluttering up nature,

    making a mess.

    there are times when

    a fresh new growth,

    will vibrate the Earth with life.

    and others

    when the growths are slowly dying.

    they fall to Earth in reality.

    we all live like so.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    13/72

    but do you

    know where you live?

    winter

    the land is no longer.

    a green mass of life,

    but rather a blanket

    of white which covers

    the dormant, sleeping world.

    in spring, when the blanket is unfolded,

    and the Earth is woken,

    and yet some of the world

    never

    wakes

    up.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    14/72

    I, the flower

    the flower blows in the wind.

    my life dances like the flower.

    the wind

    my destiny.

    blowing me toward the right direction.

    the petals

    my lives.

    as they fall off,

    a piece of me dies.

    as the stem grows

    I enter maturity.

    the leaves fall off

    my hair grows gray.

    I, as the flower, am old.

    and we both shall die.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    15/72

    crazy?

    my world is glum and gray.

    faces all around.

    voices , many voices.

    all around.

    swarming in my head.

    why are there so many people.

    with so many goddamned questions.

    and why do they all ask me?

    I just dont know.

    I really dont.

    is the world really this mad?

    or am I really just this crazy?

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    16/72

    give it a rest

    in the shuffling madness,

    throughout the world.

    I bang my head

    against the wall.

    a wall of brick and blood.

    we are all insane.

    everyone of us.

    somehow.

    sometime.

    we have all thought of it.

    dont deny it.

    with people coming down on you.

    friends.

    parents.

    loved ones.

    even that dick down the street.

    coming down on you.

    coming down hard.

    not letting up.

    not until youve cracked.

    not until youve lost it.

    and with no sanity left

    you lie down

    and go to bed.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    17/72

    thoughts

    why are people such dicks?

    why the hell cant they let me be?

    I know people love me and all,

    but enough is enough.

    theyre enough to drive you nuts,

    nuts

    maybe thats exactly what they are trying to do.

    maybe they want me out.

    instead of throwing me aside

    theyll drive me crazy.

    put me away.

    maybe it would be better there.

    I dont have to put up with their shit!

    anyway,

    Ive had enough.

    I could act crazy.

    help the out a little.

    then again

    maybe I dont have to act.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    18/72

    The girl, the boy and the troubles

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    19/72

    her (part 1)

    eyes of blue,

    hair of gold.

    when Im with you

    my whole body shakes.

    you have this unbelievable energy.

    it tears me inside

    when you are mistreated

    by anyone,

    even me.

    I try never to make you mad

    but at times,

    well, I guess it happens

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    20/72

    her (part 2)

    I wish.

    I wish that I could explain what you do to me.

    I mean, exactly how you make me feel

    when I am with you.

    I dont have a worry in the world.

    nothing bothers me.

    you are like a goddess

    standing there

    with your flowing blonde hair.

    I watch you.

    all the time.

    and wonder,

    what does he have that is so special?

    why cant I be him?

    its not worth the worry.

    I love you and no one can stop that.

    its deeper than anything Ive ever felt,

    deeper than anything I ever will

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    21/72

    an ending

    our friendship has grown.

    although its been a short

    three years since we met,

    four since we saw.

    I realized very early

    that if I were to love you

    I needed to try.

    by changing myself to suit you.

    I thought Id tried,

    but I failed.

    I tried again and again.

    you swear it was two,

    but I say it was three.

    I guess thats irrelevant

    because youre so special to me.

    I could never leave you.

    not in a million years.

    but soon it will happen,

    well go our separate ways.

    and now my question to you is,

    will I meet with you again?

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    22/72

    security

    I hold you,

    tight.

    you are so warm.

    you are my blanket.

    when you cover me, you give me security.

    you let me know that Im real.

    you protect me from evil.

    you show me whats good.

    whats right.

    whats wrong.

    you help me when I am in need.

    you teach me when I need a lesson.

    you show me when I need to see.

    you give me warmth.

    you give me security.

    you are

    my security blanket.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    23/72

    Past, present and future

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    24/72

    yesterday

    the morning light is blinding.

    another day, another try.

    maybe the wrists today.

    yesterday was hanging,

    tomorrow will be drowning.

    if I had the balls

    I should have done it

    tomorrow.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    25/72

    today

    I saw the sun this morning,

    and for the last time, I thought.

    my mind was made up.

    I set about my ways.

    out come the blades.

    sharp as hell.

    a small trickle of blood

    and out I went.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    26/72

    tomorrow

    water running, hot.

    almost scalding.

    itll burn my skin.

    two cement blocks.

    one on my stomach.

    the other, to crush

    my skull.

    and drown me.

    under scalding,

    hot,

    water.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    27/72

    see me then, now and no more

    in the past I was a child.

    a small boy on a farm,

    growing up with the air.

    in the present I am a person.

    no longer a little tyke,

    but not yet grown to be a man.

    and tomorrow,

    in the future,

    I am nothing but forgotten.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    28/72

    Nighttime, dreams and baggy eyes

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    29/72

    sleep

    the light was fuzzy.

    the haze, almost distracting,

    clouded my vision.

    my coat,

    warm,

    tight,

    and secure.

    my head rests gently.

    the walls padded.

    so comfortable resting.

    my tired, weary body.

    finally at rest.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    30/72

    no sleep

    the sun is setting,

    and I wish it to set no more.

    I wish the night away.

    at night they come

    all my thoughts,

    all my fantasies,

    all my visions.

    visions of death.

    annihilation of the world.

    and,

    of myself.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    31/72

    edge of night

    the sweats pouring off my face.

    I awake in the still.

    the night is dark.

    a single bird sings.

    his song is sad.

    the dreams are long.

    too long.

    too long and scary.

    Im scared and afraid.

    afraid to go back to bed.

    afraid to close my eyes

    and dream bad dreams again.

    the bird is in my dreams.

    he dies.

    his white feathers, red.

    the dreams are bad,

    and the night

    is dawning.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    32/72

    Bad dreams, backward jackets and whitewalls

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    33/72

    watch

    the wall is smooth.

    the eyes are wide.

    I watch you,

    watch me,

    watch others.

    why are the walls watching me?

    little white buttons,

    on little white walls,

    in a little white room,

    in a big white hospital.

    the halls have cameras,

    probing eyes.

    following me.

    the rooms have probing eyes.

    they too watch me.

    never leaving me alone.

    always with a concern.

    for my health,

    for my life.

    so that I dont harm.

    harm they say.

    so I dont fuck myself up.

    ya know,

    so I dont accidentally hurt myself.

    slit my fucking wrists.

    hang miserable self.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    34/72

    even the outlets are covered.

    so I dont fucking electrocute myself.

    I could act ok.

    theyd let me go home.

    but I dont want out.

    I like it here.

    in my white, serene room.

    all alone,

    now,

    and forever.

    except for those damn

    probing

    eyes.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    35/72

    come to me

    Im here thinking of you.

    and of you I thinking of being.

    when I get out of here,

    here in this goddamned place.

    this place of hell.

    but then again,

    hell isnt white.

    white and padded.

    I cry for my sister

    to come to her brother.

    love is with her brother.

    my sister is not my sister.

    this sister is foster.

    foster to me, as I,

    I to her.

    I think for you,

    sister of mine.

    and of you my thoughts

    are constantly drawn.

    I cannot pull away.

    you are not like any sister, anyone,

    not anyone could have.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    36/72

    because brother and sister,

    they cannot love like we do.

    we love more than shows,

    and show less than we know.

    know about this love.

    for we both try and hide it.

    we alienate each other.

    we didnt want to know

    how we really feel.

    so what happens?

    I end up here,

    in my nice white room.

    and you?

    you end up with that!

    that other asshole.

    what is he?

    I am all of him,

    and more.

    you cant look behind my eyes.

    you cant see what it is like.

    to have to watch you

    with someone else.

    I want you.

    I want all of you.

    and do you know what?

    when I finally get myself together

    and get out of this rats shit hole,

    I am coming to take you.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    37/72

    to take you away.

    far away,

    from all of this madness

    and insanity.

    to take you right into my arms.

    and hold you

    forever

    and ever

    and ever

    and never let you go.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    38/72

    the final chapter

    Im tired of war.

    Im tired of fighting.

    of struggling.

    and of rebellion.

    the final chapter is unfolded.

    I sit alone, thinking

    about a book I once read.

    the ending was sad.

    yet, it lifted me greatly.

    everything came to be

    in the final chapter.

    alone, I am now.

    no one but me.

    the end is inevitable.

    here in my room like cell.

    the white is a god awful color,

    it makes me even sadder.

    I guess what is all comes down to,

    this is the final chapter of my life.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    39/72

    Part II

    and more poems yet

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    40/72

    Untitled

    As the bombs hurl toward us,

    at four in the morning,

    while we are all still asleep,

    Im awoken suddenly.

    I look into the early morning.

    The sky is many magnificent colors.

    Purples, reds and oranges.

    I wonder, is it really the morning sky,

    or is it the end of the world?

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    41/72

    Black and White

    Can you tell the difference

    between heaven and hell?

    Do you know pain and pleasure?

    Can you unlock the secret

    of the universe?

    Can you tell me why people die

    when they get old?

    Better yet,

    why do they die when they are young?

    Is life really that bad,

    or do they want to experience

    heaven

    or hell?

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    42/72

    Maybe

    With wild glaring eyes

    I watch with great interest.

    A tango, they say,

    takes two.

    And Satan has asked for my hand.

    I dance with the devil

    and for the final time in my life,

    the diamonds shine in my eyes.

    He beckons me to cross the line.

    That very thin line.

    Between sanity and the insane.

    My choice is clear,

    and one only the bearer of souls can deliver.

    As I step across the line

    my eyes widen.

    A smile spreads across my lips.

    For you see,

    now I have truly found my home.

    On the other side of sanity.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    43/72

    Take me

    Cant get by.

    Death is watching closely.

    My time nears

    and with it comes many thoughts.

    Fear is as small as a baby bird.

    Who lies dying on the ground,

    for having not been able to fly.

    Tears flow,

    as the rivers current

    carries the young suicide.

    Regrets have come,

    but now it is too late.

    For I have danced with the devil,

    and lost my soul.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    44/72

    Troubled

    Im not doing too well.

    My life is slowly falling apart.

    I said to myself you need help.

    So what do I do, go and see a shrink.

    What does she do, she tells me Im,

    Im just a little confused.

    I told her to come home with me,

    see just how fucking confused I am.

    Im not alright, and nobody can tell me that I am!

    How can someone, in three hours,

    tell me, tell me that I am just a little confused?

    I want to know why the hell everybody thinks Ill be ok.

    Cant anyone see what I am going through?

    The pain, the madness?

    If it doesnt stop soon, Im afraid,

    afraid that I wont want to keep going.

    But I have to, I cant lose, I cant take the easy way out!

    I must be the one to win, I must be victorious!

    I wont, under any circumstances, let them win.

    But to go through this, its total hell.

    No one should ever have to be treated like this.

    You know something, the more I think about it,

    I wonder if its not such a bad idea.

    Maybe, just maybe,

    this game has gone on long enough.

    I quit.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    45/72

    Game over.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    46/72

    And you?

    The early morning light.

    The smile of a new born baby.

    This is what makes me happy.

    What makes you happy?

    Is it the stick of a needle,

    or the harshness of the pipe?

    I help people.

    I love people.

    This is what makes me happy.

    What makes you happy?

    The chills when you need a fix,

    or the teeth rotting from your head?

    I write poems that tell,

    and stories that think.

    This is what makes me happy.

    What makes you happy?

    Is it lock up at the local jail,

    or is it stealing so you can get more?

    Everyday there is more of me

    and less of you.

    This is what makes me happy.

    What makes you happy?

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    47/72

    A speck of color in a black and white world

    I feel like absolute shit!

    Oh yea, suicide has crossed my mind.

    Many times in the last few days.

    I dont have the balls to do it though.

    I cant do it anyway.

    I cant leave like this.

    I couldnt live with myself.

    But then again, Id be dead.

    Anyway, to think what it would do to her,

    not a chance.

    She keeps me alive in this fucked up world.

    Shes the reason I havent checked out yet.

    I suppose shell never know she saved my life.

    That is unless she see this fucked up poem.

    Shed get a laugh at the language,

    probably yell at me for swearing.

    But thatd be ok, because wed laugh, and she,

    shed be able to know exactly what she did for me.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    48/72

    Untitled

    Get up in the morning

    nag, nag, nag!

    By the time I get to school

    I feel like shit!

    Teachers, students, all fucking nagging!

    Why do I put up with it?

    I could end it quick. Real quick.

    Why is life worth living?

    Its not

    Good bye

    Bang.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    49/72

    Eyes

    The eyes follow me.

    The watchfulness of a mother

    keeping her child in view.

    Never allowing me to slip from sight.

    The eyes are death.

    The rapid dog stalks his prey,

    to kill and mangle some helpless creature.

    They are calling for me.

    The eyes are insane.

    The raving lunatic, quieted with insanity,

    in his comfortable padded cell.

    Begging me to join this folly.

    The eyes are crying.

    The old mans family is watching.

    The coppery casket is lowered into its tomb,

    telling me it is time for hurt.

    The eyes stare into the mirror.

    And when I walk away,

    the mirror is sightless.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    50/72

    Have we met?

    When I was young

    I saw a flower.

    The flower was dead.

    It was dead for a long time.

    Its petals were all brown and dry.

    When I was older

    I met a man.

    I saw him all dressed up.

    He wore a silk suit.

    With a dead flower,

    all brown and dry.

    He didnt see me though,

    I think.

    I watched as he was buried.

    As his casket was lowered into the ground.

    I never met this man.

    And he never met me.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    51/72

    The poem

    Im sitting here,

    and with nothing to do

    I decided to write a poem.

    Should it be happy,

    about a boy little boy who finds a balloon?

    Or maybe it should be romantic,

    about a man and a woman who fall in love?

    It could be about a boy,

    and he commits suicide.

    It could be about a sunset,

    a bird in flight,

    a mother waking up her child

    and the child greet the new day

    with bright eyes and a lively attitude,

    for this child is still innocent,

    and quite young.

    Or maybe it could be about

    a person who is trying

    to write a poem.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    52/72

    Untitled

    All wrapped up,

    arms strapped to my back.

    Nothing but four white walls.

    Hallucinating.

    My body melts from insanity.

    I feel pain.

    The pain of a thousand kidnapped children,

    all wanting to go home.

    Go home to mothers warm, cozy arms,

    to get hugs and kisses,

    over and over, hundreds of times.

    But no, now they cry.

    They are in pain.

    All I want is to go home,

    to mymothers warms hugs and kisses.

    Hell yes, Im mad,

    mad as a rabid dog.

    He hunts his prey with vigor.

    I hunt my prey with insanity.

    And all because I was my prey.

    I sit now and pray,

    in my little white room

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    53/72

    A walk in the park

    One day, not too long ago,

    I was walking through the park.

    The spring blossoms hung on the trees,

    while lovers sat on benches by the thawing pond.

    Anyway, I continued my walk.

    I walked to the biggest tree in the park,

    the one that has been there forever and

    will never die, or so we think.

    The branches ran wildly all the way to the top.

    I admired the beauty of such a large phenomenon.

    Anyway, I continued my walk.

    I saw an old man sitting on a bench.

    He was talking fast and with great enthusiasm,

    even though he was alone.

    I took a seat at the next bench

    and I listened to the old man,

    who rambled on about anything.

    I was quite fascinated actually.

    I sat for a time, alone,

    then a woman sat down on my bench.

    She was dressed quite nicely.

    Perhaps she was a secretary,

    on her lunch and she decided to enjoy the park.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    54/72

    She took out a bag and a newspaper,

    never paying any attention to me.

    Anyway, I continued my walk.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    55/72

    You are

    you lead,

    I follow.

    you talk,

    I listen.

    you look,

    I see.

    you sleep,

    I dream.

    you teach,

    I learn.

    you do all of this for me

    and what,

    what do I do for you?

    I learn from you.

    I dream of you.

    I see you.

    I listen to you.

    I follow you.

    you are you,

    and I am you.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    56/72

    Untitled

    I watched you all year.

    What you did to me was amazing.

    You teased me into love,

    although you never loved.

    You lit my fire.

    You made me burn deep, deep inside.

    I wanted you, oh god, how I wanted you.

    I dont know if you knew it.

    I just wanted one time with you,

    to show you my feelings,

    to really tell you what I thought of you,

    of what you did to me,

    and mostly of what you meant to me.

    I couldnt love anyone else.

    I was always comparing them to you.

    And as I sit here, all alone, listening to the Doors,

    I think, I think ofyourlove for this singer.

    And for a fleeting moment, I wished I were him,

    so that you would love me.

    But all I want is for you to love me,

    because of who I am, because ofmywork.

    All the work I do this year,

    it will be a scar of what youve left behind,

    for me.

    I will see you in my work,

    although others will be blind.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    57/72

    I will listen to you, through the words of song.

    You have saved me when all I wanted was death.

    I wish that you could really understand,

    exactly what it is you do to me.

    I love you.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    58/72

    Sun

    I think, now that I see,

    that the sun is beautiful.

    So red and blinding,

    as it sinks over the mountains,

    and drowns in the ocean.

    It sizzles as its heat is cooled.

    The evening is cool,

    for the sun,

    has gone, for the night.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    59/72

    Sun

    Yellow light,

    blinding brightness,

    heat is thrown

    thousands of miles,

    to warm the heart of this land.

    The yellow light

    burns eternally,

    forever.

    The yellow light

    is forever, ever,

    until it warms no more.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    60/72

    My moon

    Moon beam,

    moon rock,

    big white hole

    up in the night sky.

    Lighting nothing,

    being lit by the sun.

    Just there,

    to remind us

    that we are real.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    61/72

    Part III

    The Stories

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    62/72

    The Mirror of SanityI

    t was early morning, still quite dark and stormy from the previous night, but

    none the less, it was morning. I threw myself out of bed, and with a splat I

    landed face first on the thinly carpeted floor. This cant be happening, I

    thought, as I picked myself up from the cold floor, noticed a drop of crimsonwhere my face had only moments before been lying. Damn, a nose bleed,

    just what I needed right now. I dragged my weary body into the bathroom. As

    I approached the mirror I noticed a wave like motion to my reflection. The

    mirror didnt look right at all. I touched it. At first it was cool to the delicate

    touch of my finger tips. But as I pressed against it, I noticed my hand had

    disappeared into it. I couldnt pull it back out. Its just a dream, Im still

    sleeping, I said aloud. It didnt work. If this was a dream, I was very deep

    into it because I wasnt waking up. I decided, after a moments thought of

    course, just to give in and see where the mirror would take me. As I

    plummeted into the mirror, my body, where it touched the mirror, was cooledinstantly, and substantially. Before I entered the mirror I was already in there.

    There I stood, looking at myself. I reached out my right hands, slowly

    extending my arm toward my other self. As I did this I repeated it exactly as I

    was doing it. Just like a mirror image! Wait a minute! This is a mirror, so it

    must just me looking at myself. But when my hand touched my hand, there

    was a sudden burst of light. My body felt as if it was melting. In a split second

    the flash was over, and I was the only one left. I was gonebut I was still

    here.

    was looking around in utter amazement when I heard it. Someone calling

    my name. But there was no one here. There. I heard it again. Hey dumb

    ass, stop looking around, were alone now. I am you. Shit, this cant be

    really happening. I was talking to me. I was introduced as Ekaj, realizing that

    was my name, as a mirror image. Was I really going insane? I needed to know

    right now. No, youre not going crazy, Ekaj told me. How would you know,

    I asked? I am you, I know everything about you. I was starting to get

    scared. I asked if there was anything around here to eat. I was starving. I said

    that I already knew that. I should have known. As I started walking down the

    street, I directed myself toward a little caf. I could smell a rich, succulent

    aroma, but I couldnt find its source. I told myself that we would be there in aminute. There was Infinityville. No sooner did I finish my sentence and was in

    the most screwed up looking place I had ever seen. In the middle of nowhere

    was a bustling town. People, shops, cars, everything a town should have. But

    it was all backwards, a mirrored image of how it should be. As I continued

    walking down the street I saw many people that I knew. Was it really them, or

    was it their mirror image? This was a fucked up episode of the Twilight Zone.

    After walking for what seemed a lifetime, I saw her. My eyes couldnt believe

    it. It was Muffy. What was she doing here? This was my dream. I ran to catch

    up with her. She turned around when I yelled. A big pleasant smile, as usual,

    I

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    63/72

    dressed her face. We rejoiced for a moment and then I introduced myself to

    here. She said they already knew each other. I had to ask. Was it really her or

    was it her reflection I was meeting? She said it was really her, her real self,

    and that she was inside herself. I felt relieved. Someone I reallyknew. We said

    our goodbyes and went our separate ways.

    s my walk continued, Id forgotten about my hunger. I walked to the

    edge of town. I told myself this was where I lived. A small apartment

    complex. Very quaint and beautiful. I told myself that I didnt live here,

    that I lived in a big beautiful house. I said that I knew that, but here people

    lived where they wanted. As I walked into the apartment I told myself that I

    would be leaving at night. I told myself that I couldnt not, however, under

    any circumstances, leave. When I asked myself why, I said because I would

    be helpless. I also informed myself that I would hear my name being called,

    and not answer. For this was the beast, and he wanted us. Nonsense I

    thought, but I said that I understood. Again, a sudden burst of blinding lightfilled my sight, as well as the entire room. When the light dissipated, there I

    was, looking at me. I showed me where to sleep, we said our goodnights and

    went to bed. I was fast asleep in moments.

    A

    I must have been dreaming, for I awoke with a sudden jerk of my body. In my

    dream someone was calling my name. Wait, maybe it wasnt a dream.

    Someone called my name again. There, I heard it again. I couldnt take it

    anymore. I had to get out of here. I hurriedly dressed and walked out the door

    as quickly, and quietly, as I could. The only thing that entered my mind was

    someone telling me that if youre sneaking around, dont try and hide it. If

    you try and sneak quietly, you will make more noise and people will know

    what you are up to. I walked outside. The cool, crisp night was refreshing. The

    stars, thousands of them, all sparkling, were making the sky look like a giant

    fire cracker. Without the noise, of course. I walked and walked, occasionally

    hearing my name being called. I walked toward the voice, for what seemed to

    be hours. I had left the town far behind. I hadnt the faintest idea where I was,

    or for that matter, where I was going. All I knew was that I had to find that

    voice. I knew deep down inside that someone very close to me was being

    hurt.

    I

    couldnt see anything, it was extremely dark. It wasnt so much dark as it

    was black. The stars have disappeared. In their place stood two of the largest,

    widest, scariest eyes I had ever seen. The eyes were glowing bright yellow.

    They stared back at me with death in them. Before I fully knew what was

    happening, an ominous and eerie voice began to speak. I am the dark. You

    will watch me take someone very close to you. You can do nothing to stop

    this. Nothing can stop this, or me. I have killed you, so you neednt worry. Oh

    shit, this was real. How was I going to get out of this one? How was I going to

    get out of here? That appeared to be the least of my worries at the moment,

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    64/72

    as I heard a very familiar voice. Jake, the voice called, its me. Its Muffy,

    please help me! Oh great, how the hell did she back into this story? I said

    goodbye to her two chapters ago. The dark stood there thinking. I dont

    know, he replied. And with that, he picked up Muffy and ate her. Now I know

    what you are thinking. What the hell happened to the story? All that I ask of

    you, dear reader, is to keep believing. Anyway, where were weoh yes...and

    with one gulp, she was gone, erased, wiped from all existence. Now that

    thats finished, would you care for some tea? asked the dark. What the hell

    is going on here? Scratch that last line, it makes no sense. There, its gone

    and with that, he picked up Muffy and ate her. Everything went dark.

    was awoken by a sudden bang. Oh boy, what a nightmare. If thats what

    you would call it. Living in these padded cells gets to you after awhile.

    Youre crazier than when they first put you in here. All I want to do is go

    home. Ive been here for three weeks and Im not getting any better. No

    one believes me. I told anyone that would listen, anyone who could hear,

    about my adventures behind the mirror. No one believed the dark was real;

    no one believed that it really did eat Muffy. What I can see of my arms and

    legs through the strait jacket, is bandaged. The doctor said that I threw

    myself through the mirror. He said that I was chasing after people with blood

    drenched, jagged pieces of glass. Im told that I also tried to kill myself,

    screaming franticly that there was someone inside me. So now, I sit alone in

    this white padded cell. No one talks to me anymore, and I talk to no one

    anymore. Solitude has taken its toll. The doctor stood at the door, his nurse

    by his side. He hasnt eaten, he wont talk, the doctor said. its almost as if

    hes waiting to die.

    I

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    65/72

    How to Build a Dirty Bomb

    This is a fictional story. Any relation to actual events or person(s), past,

    present or future is merely coincidental.

    2006

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    66/72

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    67/72

    He was sitting there, looking at the walls, waiting. God he hated white

    walls. As he stood he adjusted his tie, straightened his suit pants and waited.

    The foot steps echoed down the hallway. The closer they came, the larger the

    knot in his stomach became. He had never shown fear, until now. As they

    entered the room, four men the size of giants, chains in hand, John knew this

    was the beginning of his end.

    John Jackson, better known as Yashmir Kalaza to his small circle of friends,

    was just looking to fit in, to be part of something special, a family. At 23, he

    woke each day to the same old grind, take a leak, shave, shower and dress

    for work. Day in and day out, week after week, month after month, year after

    year, nothing changes. The same walk to the bus stop, the same seat on thebus, the same faces, everything just blurs together. But today was different.

    Today would be the beginning of the end.

    It was a quarter past 5 in the morning when John woke. He was restless.

    Unable to sleep for more than a few hours, he decided it was time to go. As

    he rose from bed, he looked at himself in the mirror. What a pathetic sight. At

    five foot, six inches, John was less then average height. He could stand to

    watch what he ate, less hamburgers and fast food, more salad. But in a few

    hours, it wouldnt make a difference.

    Into the bathroom to shower and shave. How easy it would be to end this

    now, he thought, staring into the mirror. John liked mirrors; in fact, he had

    them in every room of his apartment. He liked the way things looked in them.

    Real, but somehow a dream or an altered reality. What he saw was indeed

    himself, but he could imagine a safer place. A warmer time. An end to the

    madness.

    As he showered he planned his day, breakfast, and coffee on the way to

    the bus, and then his masterpiece. John dried himself off and dressed in

    khakis and an oversized sweatshirt. He grabbed a jacket and his knapsack on

    the way out the door. The bus was late as usual, and the coffee was old. If

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    68/72

    there was anything in this world John hated, that was it. Old coffee. As he

    took his seat on the bus, the normal dirt bags and pieces of shit smiled their

    fake smiles and read their fake newspapers. All bullshit, if they would only

    open their eyes they would see it. If they would only open their minds they

    would believe it. If they only knew why, today, he was smiling back at them.

    The ten minute ride to midtown seemed like hours. He couldnt wait to get off

    this fucking bus and get to work. As the doors swung open and the riders

    exited the bus, John stopped at the driver. Placing his hand on the drivers

    shoulder, the driver handed him a brown bag. John smiled, placed the brown

    bag in his backpack and walked off the bus.

    It was spring time in the metropolis, for a change there actually wasspring. The park lawns were starting to awaken from their wintry slumber and

    green themselves to life. The trees were just budding and the birds had

    returned from a warm southern winter. Just a two block walk to the subway,

    but every person he walked by pissed him off. If he made it to the platform

    without killing someone it would be a miracle.

    As he descended in to the subterranean lair of the man, the warmth hit

    him in the face like a violent slap. Through the turnstile and onto the platform

    to wait.

    Wait.

    It seemed like John did an awful lot of waiting his whole, short life. He always

    had to wait. In line at the movies, wait. In line at the dry cleaners, wait. In line

    at the store, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. No more, not after today. Johns days of

    waiting were over. He was going to the head of the line, to meet Allah

    himself.

    He could hear the train screech into the station, stopping to drop its load

    of zombies. How could people live like this? How could a democratic society

    like America be so blind? Dont the American people see what they are doing

    to themselves? How they have become so complacent? So reliant upon the

    man? John hated these people, his people were nothing like this, and they

    were quiet and deep thinkers. John learned to be like the rest of his people by

    the time he had finished the Koran for the first time. By accepting the Islam

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    69/72

    religion, John accepted the holy war as part of his religious duty. A war which

    he was more than ready to wage.

    John entered the first train and took the seat across from the conductors

    door. As the cars filled, John couldnt help but think about what brought him

    to this glorious day. How the society he had grown up loving could be in such

    shambles. Heroes like

    John Kennedy and Harry Truman were replaced with martyrs like Zarkowie

    and bin Laden. For a brief moment John wondered, really wondered, what the

    hell he was doing. The moment passed and he was once again focused on the

    task at hand. Gently cradling his backpack, with its precious cargo safely

    tucked away, the train pulled out of the station. The next stop was the Canal

    Street terminal.

    As the train pulled into the station, the conductors door opened and amiddle aged male smiled at John and placed a small thermos on the floor. As

    quick as the door opened, it shut. John leaned forward, taking a quick but

    subtle glance over his shoulder, and picked up the thermos, placing it inside

    his backpack. He rose and exited the train, melting into anonymity once

    again as he walked through the station. As usual, there were cops

    everywhere, the normal scene since 9/11. What bothered John the most were

    the dogs. Would they know what was hiding in his backpack? He took extra

    precautions to avoid these hounds of hell as he made his way to the exit, andon the street.

    Walking onto Canal Street, John would make the short trip to Soho on foot.

    He couldnt take the chance that a cabbie might be remember him.

    Once he got to Soho, John found a nice spot to sit and wait. It didnt take

    long before he had company. A nice dressed woman in her 30s sat down next

    to him. Close enough so he could smell her fragrance, but far enough to be

    an unassuming figure. She only stayed a minute or two, but as she got up toleave she gave John a quick smile and walked away. On the seat where she

    had been sitting was a shopping bag. John rose from the bench, picked up the

    bag and headed downtown.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    70/72

    Staring him right in the face was the Bull, a fixture of American financial

    opportunities. He had arrived at Wall Street by lunch time and all though he

    was hungry, his nerves wouldnt let him eat. He had a job to do, and it was

    now time to do it. The streets were filled with the lunch time crowds.

    Hundreds of people hurrying by, in a rush to grab a quick bite to eat and get

    back to work. No one looked at him; he was as invisible as the contents of the

    packages he was carrying. The day was beautiful, for now. John decided to

    make the short walk to the park around the corner, find a seat and get to

    work.

    As he arrived at the park, he was happy to see that it was no where as

    busy as the bustling Wall Street had been. In fact, this would work better than

    he had expected. He took a seat under a tree and placed the shopping bag

    on his right and his backpack on his left. He opened his backpack and

    fumbled around inside it, being careful not to remove any of the contents.John emptied the contents of the brown bag, as well as the thermos, into the

    backpack. He had everything he needed; a cell phone, wire, black powder

    and blasting caps. John gently removed five bottles from the shopping bag,

    placing them into the backpack as well. As he carefully opened each bottle,

    he poured in the black powder and inserted a blasting cap. Once all the

    bottles were filled, the blasting caps were connected to the wire. John

    removed the cell phone from the backpack and pried open the case. He

    connected the wire to the circuit board in the phone, put the case backtogether and placed the phone back into the backpack. Everything was set;

    each bottle contained 5000 spent U-235, or uranium hexafluoride marbles.

    This is the same material that is used to make fuel ay nuclear power plants.

    Twenty-five thousand marbles in all. John started shaking with excitement.

    The uranium would make for a nice bit of concern, but the real excitement

    was the hydrogen fluoride gas that would be created when the chemical

    mixed with the air. For the first time in months, he smiled.

    The weather was just perfect, winds blowing moderately from the south

    and the humidity level was on the rise. If everything went as planned, he

    would devastate the better part of Manhattan island. All it was going to take

    now was the final walk back to Wall Street. John had no idea he was about to

    be come famous, as well as infamous.

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    71/72

    He arrived at Wall Street at a 3:15 and decided to wait for the moment of

    opportunity, closing bell. John sat on the steps of the New York Stock

    Exchange, just under the enormous American flag. He leaned back and pulled

    out a piece of paper from his pocket. It was a letter he had written to his

    parents. A letter telling them who he was now. A letter telling them about thewrongs of society. A letter telling them that he was sorry and he loved them.

    A letter he never sent. He was startled by the ringing of his cell phone. He

    looked at the incoming message. It simply read Yes.

    John rose from the steps, stretch and took one last look around before he

    walked away. He made his way back to the subway terminal at Canal Street,

    where he stopped and took his cell phone out. He looked at the time, 4:00.

    He was now shaking with excitement, fear and desperation. He dialed the

    number and threw his phone in the trash can. At the bottom of the steps he

    though he heard it. It was done. It was the beginning of the end. John rushed

    home and turned on the TV. There it was, every channel showed the chaos, in

    living and breathing color. It was estimated that the initial explosion killed

    perhaps a dozen or so. But the cloud, the white cloud of hydrogen fluoride,

    was spreading like wild fire. The reports indicated that the hospitals were

    being overwhelmed. People were complaining of burning to their skin, their

    eyes and in their chest. People were dying in the streets. It was sheer

    pandemonium. The street of lower Manhattan looked like a war zone, with

    people screaming.

    And crying.

    And dying.

    In the days that followed, it was estimated that the lower section of

    Manhattan might be inhabitable for several decades, and the chemical

    damage was undeterminable. New Yorkers, in all their resilience, finally

    resigned to defeat. As the investigation mounted, there was a small scrap of

    paper with a partial address found at the scene that led investigators to a tiny

    apartment in the Bronx. As John stepped out of the shower, the front door

    exploded inward. A loud bang and a blinding flash of light were about all he

    could remember. The next thing John knew he was being paraded down the

  • 8/14/2019 A Midlife Look at Childhood Sanity

    72/72