A Mary Poppins Parody - Title TBD Audition Script Extracts ...1 A Mary Poppins Parody - Title TBD...
Transcript of A Mary Poppins Parody - Title TBD Audition Script Extracts ...1 A Mary Poppins Parody - Title TBD...
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A Mary Poppins Parody - Title TBD Audition Script Extracts (Sides)
Contents Constable & Bert ......................................................................................................................................... 3
Boom, Binnacle & Bert ................................................................................................................................ 4
Brill, Ellen & Katie ....................................................................................................................................... 5
Katie & Winifred (1) .................................................................................................................................... 6
Katie & Winifred (2) .................................................................................................................................... 7
George & Winifred ...................................................................................................................................... 8
Jane & Michael ........................................................................................................................................... 9
Mary, Bert & Constable ............................................................................................................................ 10
Bert & Mary .............................................................................................................................................. 11
Mary & George ......................................................................................................................................... 12
Mary, Clara, Holly & Harold ...................................................................................................................... 13
Boom, Holly & Clara .................................................................................................................................. 14
Jane, Michael & Mary ............................................................................................................................... 15
Dawes & Michael ...................................................................................................................................... 16
Dawes & George ....................................................................................................................................... 17
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BERT is a warrior angel undercover as a lively and spirited lower-class panhandling street performer. His voice switches between a cockney British dialect (BERT-B) as his undercover voice and an American dialect (BERT-A) as his angelic voice. CONSTABLE is an intervention agent angel, undercover as a police officer who patrols the park and streets. His voice switches between a proper British dialect (CONSTABLE-B) and an American dialect (CONSTABLE-A). BOOM is a warrior angel undercover as an eccentric retired naval officer. Unlike the previous angels, Admiral Boom’s character and attitude don’t change much between human and angelic dialog. BINNACLE is a warrior angel undercover as a retired navy seaman who assists Admiral Boom. Mrs. BRILL is an abrasive middle-aged cook in the Banks family home. ELLEN is a clumsy young maid in the Banks family home. KATIE Nana is a stern older woman who quits her job as nanny of the Banks children. WINIFRED Banks is a middle-aged, upper class woman. Respectful to her husband George but very active in the suffragette (women’s rights) movement. GEORGE Banks is a middle-aged, upper class man. He loves order and precision, which he gets at work but he is frustrated with chaos in his home life. JANE Banks is the young daughter of George and Winifred. She is bright-eyed and giggly. MICHAEL Banks is the young son of George and Winifred. He is “stubborn and suspicious.” MARY Poppins is an intervention agent angel, undercover as a nanny to the Banks children. Her voice switches between a proper British dialect (MARY-B) and an American dialect (MARY-A). She is loving but firm, bright and brilliant. CLARA is a guardian angel with a motherly, happy but slightly ditsy attitude. HOLLY is a guardian angel with an attitude that is fun and somewhat ditsy (more like the “fun aunt” to Clara’s “motherly”). HAROLD is an intervention agent angel who is nerdy, with a nasally voice. Mr DAWES is a very rickety old man who is the owner of the bank where George Banks works. He is energetic in his passion for money and power.
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Constable & Bert Bert has been performing in the park and it’s the Constable’s job to get rid of him. But the true purpose of their meeting is to share undercover information.
CONSTABLE-B
Move along now. Don’t be encouraging this man’s
panhandling. Move along.
BERT-B
I ain’t panhandlin’, Constable. I’m a respected musician,
artist and handyman if I do say so myself.
(Londoners exit. In American dialects. )
BERT-A
You felt it?
CONSTABLE-A
Yes, that cold wind-
BERT-A
We’ve detected significant enemy movement.
CONSTABLE-A
The agency is aware. London is under attack and the evil is
spreading.
(More Londoners enter. Back to British dialects.)
CONSTABLE-B
I won’t have you panhandling from the nice, respectable
folks while I’m on patrol.
BERT-B
I’m just sharin’ my God-given musical talents, Officer.
You can’t slight a man for wantin’ to earn a livin’ while
doin’ God’s will now, can ya?
CONSTABLE-B
Listen Mr. musician, artist and handyman, maybe you should
earn a living with the handyman part and stay out of my
park.
4
Boom, Binnacle & Bert Boom and Binnacle are preparing to file a canon that they shoot from a rooftop every hour of the day.
BOOM
Time gun ready?
BINNACLE-B
Ready and charged, sir.
BOOM
(Checking his pocket watch)
Six minutes on the dot.
BINNACLE-B
Aye aye, sir.
BERT-B
(Yelling up to the rooftop)
Good’ay to ya, Admiral Boom.
BOOM
Good day to you, young man!
BERT-B
How’s the weather on the horizon, Admiral?
BOOM
A word of advice, young man. A bit of heavy weather
brewing. Storm signals are up at number seventeen!
5
Brill, Ellen & Katie Katie is attempting to leave with suitcase in hand while Ellen stands in her way.
BRILL
I say good riddance! I never liked her from the moment she
set foot in the door.
ELLEN
But who gets stuck with the children with no nanny in the
‘ouse? Me! That’s who.
KATIE
Indeed, Mrs. Brill! I wouldn’t stay in this house another
minute.
ELLEN
No, please, Katie Nana, don’t go.
KATIE
Those little beasts have run away from me for the last
time.
ELLEN
They must be somewhere. You can’t leave them lost out
there! Did you look around the park and the zoo?
KATIE
I couldn’t care in the least where they are. I’m done with
this house forever.
BRILL
Well hip, hip hurray. Don’t stumble on the way out,
dearie.
ELLEN
What about the lion’s cage, you know how much they like the
lion. You don’t suppose they’ve been eaten, do you?
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Katie & Winifred (1) Winifred has just returned from an exciting suffragette (women’s rights) meeting and public protest.
KATIE
Mrs. Banks, I must speak with you immediately.
WINIFRED
Oh Katie Nana, you should have been at our meeting! Mrs.
Whitburn Allen chained herself to the wheel of the Prime
Minister’s carriage and Mrs. Ainsley, she was carried off
to prison, singing all the way! It was glorious!
KATIE
Mrs. Banks, you know I always give the best that’s in me-
WINIFRED
Oh thank you, Katie Nana, I always knew you were one of us.
KATIE
Yes, but Mrs. Banks-
WINIFRED
We’re soldiers for women’s votes. Of course we adore men
individually, but as a group you must agree...they’re
rather stupid!
KATIE
Mrs. Banks, please!
WINIFRED
Equal rights with men, Katie Nana. Ellen, Mrs. Brill, we
must continue our brave crusade! Our daughters, daughters
will adore us, sister suffragettes!
KATIE
Mrs. Banks, if I might have a word-
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Katie & Winifred (2) Katie Nana is frustrated and quitting her job as nanny. Winifred is concerned and desperate.
WINIFRED
Katie Nana, where are the children?
KATIE
To be precise, madam, they have disappeared again.
WINIFRED
This is really too careless of you. Doesn’t it make the
third time this week?
KATIE
The fourth, madam. I’m not one to speak ill of the
children-
WINIFRED
When do you expect them home?
KATIE
I really couldn’t say, now if you would be good enough to
compute my wages.
WINIFRED
Good gracious, Katie Nana, you’re not leaving! What would
Mr.Banks say? He’s going to be cross enough as it is to
come home and find the children missing. Katie Nana, I
beseech you. Think of the children. Think of Mr. Banks.
He was just beginning to get used to you.
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George & Winifred George has returned home from work to find the children have run away.
GEORGE
Good evening, Winifred. What a lovely day it has been
today. Credit rates are moving up, up, up and the British
pound is the admiration of the world.
WINIFRED
George, dear, the children-
GEORGE
Yes, yes dear. You know, Winifred, I feel a deep sense of
satisfaction; I am a man of influence in the world of
finance and the lord of my castle when I return home every
evening. How pleasant is the life I lead!
(pause)
Winifred, where are the children?
WINIFRED
They’re missing.
GEORGE
Missing?! What do you mean they’re missing?
WINIFRED
Katie Nana has looked everywhere for them. The facts of
matter-
GEORGE
Kindly do not attempt to cloud the issue with facts. One
fact and one fact alone is crystal clear. Katie Nana has
forfeited the post. She’s let the family down and I shall
bring her to...
(pauses and looks toward the door)
Oh... she’s left us. Hasn’t she?
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Jane & Michael Runaway children were sent to their room. Now they are apologizing to their father and excited to share their ideas for finding a new nanny.
JANE
I’m sorry we lost Katie Nana, Father.
MICHAEL
You see, it was breezy-
JANE
And the kite was too strong for us. Actually, it wasn’t a
very good kite. We made it ourselves.
MICHAEL
Perhaps if you would help us to make one.
JANE
It was wrong to run away from Katie Nana. And we do so want
to get on with a new nanny. That’s why we wrote this
advertisement!
MICHAEL
Wanted… A Nanny for two adorable children. If you want
this choice position, have a cheery disposition,
JANE
Rosy cheeks, no warts-
MICHAEL
That’s the part I put in.
JANE
Play games, all sorts. You must be kind too, must be witty,
very sweet and fairly pretty. Take us on outings give us
treats. Sing songs, bring sweets. Never be cross or cruel;
never give us castor oil or gruel. Love us as a son and
daughter, and never smell of barley water.
MICHAEL
I put that in too.
JANE
If you won’t scold and dominate us, we will never give you
cause to hate us. We won’t hide your spectacles so you
can’t see, put toads in your bed, or pepper in your tea.
Hurry nanny. Many thanks. Sincerely, JANE and MICHAEL
BANKS
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Mary, Bert & Constable Mary is being given her undercover assignment from Bert and Constable. Constable has a large ugly purse-like bag that is full of intervention agent surveillance equipment.
MARY-A
What is that hideous thing?
CONSTABLE-A
What do you mean? I thought it would work well with your
disguise.
MARY-A
Am I supposed to be a homeless vagabond?
BERT-A
I told you she wouldn’t like it.
CONSTABLE-A
Well, I just thought-
MARY-A
And what in the Lord’s Holy name is it made of?
CONSTABLE-A
Well... it’s uhm...
BERT-A
Go ahead. Tell her what it’s made of.
CONSTABLE-A
Carpet.
MARY-A
You made an oversized purse out of a section of carpet?!
What possessed you to do such a thing?
CONSTABLE-A
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Bert & Mary Bert is testing his undercover earpiece communications system with Mary’s earpiece. Mary is slightly flirtatious in response with her old friend.
BERT-A
(Puts two fingers over his own ear.)
Test, test, one two. Do you read me, Mary?
MARY-A
(Slightly flirtatious.)
I read you loud and clear, Bert.
BERT-A
(Concern)
You know you’re going into enemy territory, Mary. We’re
counting on you to get inside and get the equipment
installed.
MARY-A
I’ll get it done. It’s good to be working with you again,
Bert.
BERT-A
I sure have missed you, Mary.
MARY-A
(Smiling)
Let’s go, soldier. We have demons to track down and
destroy!
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Mary & George Mary is at her job interview with George. She is reading from the children’s advertisement for a nanny but George had torn that advertisement up and is confused by the miracle of its existence.
MARY-B
(Reading from the piece of paper)
Now then. The qualifications. Item 1, a cheery
disposition. I am never cross. Item 2, rosy cheeks.
Obviously. Item 3, play games, all sorts. Well I’m sure the
children will find my games extremely diverting.
GEORGE
This paper, where did you get it from? I thought I tore it
up.
MARY-B
Item 4, you must be kind. I am kind but extremely firm.
GEORGE
That paper you see...I thought I-
MARY-B
You are George Banks, are you not? And you did advertise
for a nanny, did you not?
GEORGE
George Banks.
MARY-B
I shall require every second Tuesday off.
GEORGE
Every Tuesday.
MARY-B
On second thought I believe a trial period would be wise.
I’ll give you one week. I’ll know by then. I’ll see the
children now. Thank you.
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Mary, Clara, Holly & Harold Three angles are meeting Mary for the first time.
MARY-A
Ladies, it’s very nice to make your acquaintance.
CLARA
Oh, the pleasure is all ours.
HOLLY
Clara and I were just talking about how we’ve never worked
with real intervention agents before. It’s very exciting!
MARY-A
But you have both worked undercover before.
HOLLY
Yes, in a manner of speaking.
CLARA
Oh, yes, certainly.
MARY-A
(Reaching to shake HAROLD’s hand)
I don’t believe we’ve ever worked together.
HAROLD
No, I don’t think so. But you look familiar. Where you on
the McPhee assignments?
MARY-A
Yes, that’s very astute of you, Harold. I sometimes work
undercover as Nanny McPhee.
HAROLD
(Overly excited)
Oh my goodness! I’m such a fan of your work! I’ve read all
of the case studies.
MARY-A
Thank you.
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Boom, Holly & Clara Guardian angels are at a meeting with BOOM, the military commander, to receive information and instructions about their assignments.
BOOM
At ease soldiers, there’s no need for military formality
here. Angels, I’m going to cut to the chase. We are facing
a very serious war.
HOLLY
Begging your pardon, Admiral, but we’ve been at war with
the demonic realm ever since Lucifer’s fall.
BOOM
I’m referring to a human war, not spiritual warfare.
CLARA
Oh well, humans are always starting their silly little
wars.
BOOM
Yes, Clara, but the demonic activity is much bigger this
time. We’ve been monitoring enemy movements for quite some
time and, as you all know, their secularism efforts have
been gaining slow but steady ground in a few areas. But in
the last few months we have seen a dramatic increase in the
enemy’s negative energy patters worldwide. They have been
on a steady increase in virtually every country of planet
earth.
15
Jane, Michael & Mary Jane and Michael had an exciting day full of adventure and they are falling in love with their new nanny, Mary. Mary has her typically firm, but loving attitude toward the children.
JANE
Mary Poppins, you won't ever leave us, will you?
MICHAEL
Will you stay if we promise to be good?
MARY-B
That's a piecrust promise. Easily made, easily broken.
JANE
Whatever would we do without you?
MARY-B
I shall stay until the wind changes.
MICHAEL
But, Mary Poppins, how long will that be?
MARY-B
Silence, please. It's time to go to sleep.
JANE
Oh, we couldn't possibly go to sleep! So many lovely things
have happened today.
MARY-B
Did they?
JANE
Yes! When we jumped into Bert's chalk picture.
MICHAEL
And we rode the merry-go-round, and all the horses jumped
off, and you won the horse race!
MARY-B
A respectable person like me in a horse race? How dare you
suggest such a thing.
16
Dawes & Michael Michael has come to visit his father’s workplace and has money (tuppance). His father wants him to learn about investing but he just wants to spend his money. DAWES hears about it and greedily takes the tuppance.
DAWES
Tuppence? Tuppence? Precisely how I started. We can al-
always use, al-always use more money to, to put to work for
the bank, can't we, boy? So, you have tuppence? May I be
permitted to see it?
MICHAEL
No. I want it to feed the birds!
DAWES
Fiddlesticks, boy! Feed the birds and what have you got?
Fat birds! While stand the banks of England, England
stands. When fall the banks of England, England falls!
(taking the money from MICHAEL)
Welcome to our joyful family of investors.
MICHAEL
Give it back! Gimme back my money!
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Dawes & George Michael’s refusal to give up his money at the bank caused a panic. Mr. Dawes is angry and ready to fire George but George uses a special word to change the situation and the mood of the scene.
DAWES
There has not been a run on this bank until today! A run,
sir, caused by the disgraceful conduct of your son. Do you
deny it?
GEORGE
I do not deny it, sir. And I shall be only too glad to
assume responsibility for my son.
DAWES
Well, do you have anything to say, Banks?
GEORGE
Well, sir, they do say that when there's nothing to say,
all you can say I-
DAWES
Confound it, Banks! I said, do you have anything to say?
GEORGE
Supercalifragilistic- expialidocious.
DAWES
What?
GEORGE
Supercalifragilistic- expialidocious. Mary Poppins was
right. It's extraordinary. It does make you
feel better!
DAWES
What are you talking about, man? There's no such word.
GEORGE
Oh, yes. It is a word. A perfectly good word, actually. Do
you know what there's no such thing as? It turns out, with
due respect, when all is said and done, that there's no
such thing as you!