Successful Parenting of At-Risk Children

A guide for Foster Parents and other Caregivers

My BackgroundM.Ed. In Exceptional Student Education23+ years combined experience as a Nanny,

Special Educator, Workshop Leader and Tutor Work with students of all abilities ages Pre-K

through AdultJikiden Reiki Practitioner AD/HD subtype with depression component Adult Child of AlcoholicsAL-ANONMy work is Light-centered and honours all faiths

and traditions.

Part OneWhat the Hell have I gotten myself

into?

Trauma 101FearStabilityBoundariesAddictionAbuse-Psychological, emotional, physicalLack of basic needsLearning and Behaviour issues

First Things FirstCreate a safe, stable living environment for the

children-WHATEVER age they areSafetyKeys for all doors-no locked doorsConsistency ScheduleKindnessCompassionBoundaries

You Must Know What You Are Dealing With!

Child’s recordsFamily historyWhen they tell you about themselves

BELEIVE themMedical ConditionsDiagnosed Psychological ConditionsDiagnosed Learning Disabilities and/or

Behaviour DisordersSpecific special needsDietary Needs/Allergies-these CAN effect

behaviour

What you will find out later.....How the trauma effects them in every wayHow they feel about themselvesHow they act outWhat their patterns are-behaviours, sleeping,

eating social/emotional skills and issuesUndiagnosed conditions and issuesStealingHoarding

Now What do I do?Unconditional Stable Regular Schedule:Regular age-appropriate bed timeConsistent daily, weekly, monthly routineMeals at a specific time every dayMedication, vitamins, same time every day-put it

on the calendarFamily Calendar-include them in creating the

scheduleBehaviour charts for EVERY child-whatever ageALWAYS give as much notice as possible when

making a change to a schedule

Why the Same old Boring Routine?

These children have never had a stable schedule

You are helping them heal by providing stability

This will help you take care of you tooHelps create a sense of family that the

children needWill help you act much more effectively in

your roleYou can improvise with some things but not

schedule

Behaviours You Can Expect From Any Child Dealing With TraumaDrama, Drama, Drama

Uncontrollable, inconsolable crying

In cases of sexual abuse, playing with and throwing feces and /or Inappropriate

urination (location)FightingHittingBitingLying

Arguing

MoodinessBed wetting

StealingManipulating

Hoarding food, toys, books, clothes, money....

Challenging your authorityInattentiveness

LazinessIgnoring you and tuning out

ConfrontationHidden improves weapons

De-escalate By Preventing DramaStart paying attention to triggersKeep a journal for each child and TAKE NOTESNEVER EVER YELL at the children-they will shut

down on youBe detached!DO not EVER hit, slap, react, initiate or create

ANY physical confrontation with a child Speak calmly, clearly and gently NO MATTER

WHAT DRAMA IS UNFOLDINGThe more upset they get, the calmer you MUST

be

When a child is Upset: Step oneListen to their concerns-no matter how odd, trivial,

strange, neurotic or psycho they may soundYou may be the very first human who has EVER

listened to them!RESPECT them-honour their thoughts and feelings

as valid-work on changing those things laterEarn their trust by trusting themSmall steps-ask them what they needRespond with detachment and compassionIf the request is strange but reasonable, honour it

When a child is Upset: Step Two

Body Language is KEY!Legs apartPalms facing outCalm open face and demeanourIf need be, sit down cross-legged right there and then with

themSoft voiceLook at them directly and calmly even if you are really angryDon’t have arms folded or fists clenched-this can trigger themSpeak in a respectful, honest tone-do NOT speak in a

condescending mannerAct respectfully-this is a way for you to model behaviours you want to see from them

When a child is Upset: Step ThreeWhat you say MATTERS!

Talk about behaviours, NOT personhoodTalk about effects of behaviours on othersUse simple languageDon’t lectureDon’t EVER blameSpeak calmly and clearlyUse a loving tone-the children are not used to

thatPractice the same skills and use them

consistently

Dealing With Unwanted Behaviours

Be the change you want in your home!

ADHD 101Autism Spectrum DisorderAttention Deficit Hyperactivity DisorderSubtypesMedicationsPlay with the meds till you all get it right-one

month to six week trial period: keep a journalPossible Behaviours and combinations :

hyperactivity, laziness, tuned-out, day dreaming, forgetful, irresponsible, risk taking, poor social skills and cues, aggression, shyness, depression, anger, isolation, solitude

Practical DemonstrationWhat AD/HD is like for us:

Unrelenting radio with 30 channels on all at once

Inability to concentrate because of distractions

Poor sleeping patterns-either trouble getting to sleep, trouble waking up, or both

How to REALLY help a child get grounded

Limit any and all computer games and hyper stimulation (Chuck E Cheese)

Limit Cartoon, TV and Computer TimePhysical Activities: Kung Fu, Gymnastics, Swimming,

bike riding, anything to get them to move their bodiesConsistent bed time-even if they have trouble sleeping

at first-do not waiverConsistent wake-up time-even if they slept badlyBehaviour chartPaid (money or tangible rewards) chores, jobs and

duties

Time Limits Help Change BehavioursWhenever you are about to leave a place,

start a count-down :20 min. Warning, 10 minute warning, 5 minute warning, 2 minute warning,1 minute and then time to go

When you ask a child to perform a task, give them a time limit and a clock to see when they start and when they are to be finished

Monitor but don’t micro-manage

If there is resistance, be calm, be clear, offer options:

---------1. You can choose two things-clean up or time

out2. Do you want to make your bed first or clean

your closet? 3. You may have a snack and then when the

timer goes off, it s time for homework ok?4. What do you want to choose? Homework

and then game time, or no homework and no game time

5. What do you need help with?

Play “Fast People”. Use a timer or stop-watch and see how fast they can clean up a mess or complete a task-do NOT use this with homework-EVER

Think of a way to be playful before having to get serious.

If all else fails, do “hand-over-hand”.Hand over Hand with little ones and kids who

don’t want cooperate-gently but firmly take their hand in yours and put their hand on the object to be put away and out it away with them. Do this until they are willing to do it themselves

Physical ConfrontationsDO NOT EVER HIT BACK-EVER!Speak calmlySpeak clearlyUnless the child is 2-5 years old, do not chase

them or engage them, it will amp things upAsk them what happened or what they needMODEL MODEL MODEL-show them the

behaviour you wantIf the child knew how to act differently they wouldBe detached, open , honest and calm

Physical ConfrontationsIf a child runs to another room and closes and locks

a door, DO NOT freak out, but stay at the door and talk to them. Make sure you have a key and give them a 30-second warning that you are coming in

Even if they trash the room, you MUST speak calmlyTell them when they calm down you will talk about

what happened and work it out, then you will help them clean up ( fast people, timer, etc.). They do the putting away, you show them gently where. If they broke something valuable, tell them that, but do it later when they are calm. Tell them how you feel about what happened-speak from the “I”

Aftermath of DramaNo MATTER WHAT-always forgive and mean

itAccept their apology and let them make an

amendsLet the punishment fit the crime and then

LET IT GO!You are teaching them and healing them by

doing soFor example: horseplay, a lamp gets broken.

They clean up the mess, you talk about the value of the lamp and how we do not play rough inside the house.

Logical, natural consequence: Kid buys a new lamp

If the lamp was an heirloom, that’s YOUR problem

Sibling ConfrontationsHave them each sit down, and use a talking stickWhoever has the talking stick speaks without being

interruptedAdult goes first to model and lay the ground rules:1. No name calling2. No rude or disrespect to you or others3. Speak from the “I” ( I feel like this when you do

this”)4. Talk about feelings and actions, not personhood5. Applaud them working it out and offer them a treat

(sticker, bookmark, something from the prize box-NOT FOOD)

SummaryModel the behaviour you wantBe age appropriate in your expectationsDo not pity them, respect themTell the truth-model itKeep a scheduleBe consistentBe respectful of boundaries and model them Talk about feelings and behaviours-model that for themBe patientsBe detachedHave no expectations either way

Behaviour ChartsThese help teach consistent behavioursChoresHomeworkBehaviour changesBed timeSibling or social interactionsFood or eating issuesViolent or negative behaviours

Behaviour Contracts for TeensMake language about mutual respect and trustHouse rulesPersonal habitsPhone calls home if lateCurfewLogical natural consequences agreed upon and

signed by both parents and children ( i.e. : cell phones for cell phones, grounded for curfew, car for car etc.)

They are in charge of showing you they can do it-it is up to them

God Bless you for what you do!