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Alexandra Kollontai

A Great Love

Source: A Great Love, The Vanguard Press, New York, 1929

Translated: !il" !ore

#irst Pu$lished: 192%

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Table of Contents

&' A (reat !o)e

& * &V

V * &+

+ * +V

&&' Sisters 

&&&' The !o)es o Three (enerations 

http://www.marxists.org/archive/kollonta/1929/great/ch01a.htmhttp://www.marxists.org/archive/kollonta/1929/great/ch01b.htmhttp://www.marxists.org/archive/kollonta/1929/great/ch01c.htmhttp://www.marxists.org/archive/kollonta/1929/great/ch02.htmhttp://www.marxists.org/archive/kollonta/1929/great/ch03.htmhttp://www.marxists.org/archive/kollonta/1929/great/ch01a.htmhttp://www.marxists.org/archive/kollonta/1929/great/ch01b.htmhttp://www.marxists.org/archive/kollonta/1929/great/ch01c.htmhttp://www.marxists.org/archive/kollonta/1929/great/ch02.htmhttp://www.marxists.org/archive/kollonta/1929/great/ch03.htm

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I. A Great Love

I - IV

 

I

A!! this ha--ened long, long ago, at a ti.e when hu.anit" knew nothing o the horrors o war, and

the .onu.ental changes o the /e)olution still la" in the di. and distant uture'

&t ha--ened in those "ears when /ussia still writhed in the clutches o darkest reaction, in the da"s othe 0ar the actors o this little dra.a were e.igrants, .en and wo.en who had $een exiled, or had

led ro. their .other countr" $ecause o -olitical acti)it" in $ehal o the stricken .asses o their

nati)e land'

Since then a new world has dawned in /ussia, $ut these -itiul, hu.an tragedies still exist'

&t is or us to learn and to tr" to understand'

Se)en .onths, se)en long, endless .onths had -assed since last she had seen hi.' 3hen the" had

 -arted, it had $een with the ir. deter.ination ne)er to .eet again'

4is head $uried in her shoulder and his e"es closed with the agon" o their suering, he had told her

o his decision' 4e no longer had the strength to carr" on the struggle, and to $ear the constant

conlicts their lo)e had $rought' 4is ace was so thin, she thought, as she gaed at hi., thin and worn

with care and suering, "et -atheticall" childlike and weak in its a$5ect hel-lessness'

The doctors had ound that his wie was suering ro. a serious heart disease and .ust ha)e a$solute

rest and reedo. ro. excite.ent'

& should eel like a cri.inal, no, like an executioner, i & caused her the slightest uneasiness' You

understand, Natascha, that & .ust release her ro. this .art"rdo. o uncertaint", to gi)e her e)er"

chance to reco)er6 '''' & can7t carr" on this dece-tion an" longer' Then there are the children' Sascha7sshar- little e"es are $eginning to sus-ect''' the children .ust eel that & $elong to the. unstintingl",

with all ." heart and soul'

8ut is that -ossi$le, Ssen5a6 0an "ou return to "our a.il" ater all that has ha--ened $etween us6

3ill "ou $e a$le to orget how near, how dear we ha)e $een to each other6 3here else will "ou ind

that co.-lete, wordless understanding that has $ound us together6 3on7t "ou $e lonel" without .e6

There was not a thought o hersel in her anxious re.onstrances onl" o hi., and o the lie that la"

 $eore hi.'

3hat else is there to do6 & ha)e no choice 3ill & $e lonel", Natascha6 ;" heart will $e cold and

.isera$le oh, .ore than & can tell "ou' 4e drew her close into his ar.s and closed his e"es in

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silence' Natascha, & see no other wa"' As i to dri)e awa" the trou$led thoughts, his li-s sought hers

with a .an7s searching, coaxing kisses, and her heart res-onded in anxious, trou$led willingness'

&t did not occur to her to resist his -leading caresses, although unconsciousl" she was distur$ed, a"e,

al.ost oended $" the.'

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& eel as i & were a widow, she wrote in one o these -roitless letters' & wander through the s-ots

we )isited together, where we worked and thought and elt as one' 3e were one, one in thought and

one in soul, were we not, ." dearest, in those da"s that will ne)er return6 ''' &t was this s-iritual

nearness that set ire to our hearts and inla.ed our -assion'''' ;ore than once & ha)e $een read" to

curse this unhol" lo)e that has chastened the glorious, glowing, light*winged ha--iness that this

riendshi- ga)e us' 4ad we re.ained riends instead o $eco.ing lo)ers, Ssen5a, "ou would not ha)ehad to lea)e .e' 8ut there were other hours too, hours o dis.al disillusion.ent, when her aith in

their oneness o .ind and s-irit tottered $eore the li.itations o actualit"' ;e.or" recalled slighting

disregard and cruel thoughtlessness until it would see. as i their riendshi-, too, had $een a delusion'

>id he e)er reall" lo)e .e, lo)e .e, as & understand lo)e6 Natascha would ask hersel dis.all" in

these wretched hours o sel*anal"sis' & he reall" lo)ed .e, could he ha)e torn .e out o his heart,

cast .e, ho.eless, out o his soul, so lightl"6 ''' &s it -ossi$le that he does not eel how & a. suering6

3as there no nearness, no understanding $etween us '''' a ig.ent o ." i.agination, an artiicial

 -roduct o ." own desires6 '''4ow .uch energ" and strength, how .uch -recious ti.e this drea. has

de)oured she would relect angril", when she recalled how her work, how the cause itsel had

suered $ecause she had held hersel ree or hi., turning o)er work and res-onsi$ilities to others,.issing i.-ortant .eetings and co.ing late to others so that she .ight $e at his side' 4er re-utation

as a aithul, conscientious worker had suered irre-ara$le har. $ecause o this'

>ee- down in her heart she u-$raided hi. or the -rice this lo)e o theirs exacted' &n these long hours

o sel*co..union she told hi. the ull, un)arnished truth o her eeling toward hi., o the $itterness

that had collected and had $een su--ressed through all these "ears in her wounded, lacerated heart'

II

4is -hotogra-h, an old one that he had gi)en her in the earl" stage o their ac=uaintance, soon ater shehad .et hi. at a literar" gathering, stood a.ong $ooks, -iles o -a-er and .anuscri-ts that were

e)er"where in her roo.'

She oten s.iled when she recalled their irst .eeting' #a.iliar though she was with his na.e and

work she had written a nu.$er o -a.-hlets -o-ulariing his theories and was generall" regarded as

one o his ollowers she had ne)er .ade his ac=uaintance'

>o "ou know who is here this e)ening, the .an who was her close riend at that ti.e had asked her'

Your .uch ad.ired Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch'

4onestl"6 Show hi. to .e, -lease' 3here is he6

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& "ou wish it, o course & shall $ring hi. to "ou' 4er riend de-arted while Natascha waited, s.iling

with -leasure and curiosit" at the -ros-ect o knowing in -erson this .an whose thoughts had $een so

close to hers' She saw Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch struggle against her riend7s atte.-ts to $ring hi. to

her, and was highl" a.used when the latter inall" took his unwilling )icti. $" the ar. and dragged

hi. $odil" toward her'

4e is $ashul, she excused hi. in her thoughts' ?)er aterward she had looked on this Sse.5on

Sse.5onowitsch as a )er" exce-tional sort o -erson, with awkward, $ut -atheticall" a--ealing

.anners'

She .et hi. re=uentl" ater that, and each new .eeting was suused with the ragrance o an

unconscious, s-ring*like ha--iness'

She had known no loneso.eness in that irst "ear o their ac=uaintance' 0ourageous, strong and

conident in her -ower to sur.ount e)er" o$stacle in her -ath' ''' There had $een cares,

un-leasantness, e)en unha--iness, $ut it was all $eautiied, sotened and rariied $" a radiant

exultation' ''' 4indrances6 ''' Nothing could daunt her' The wa" o her lie la" along a $old, -reci-itous -ath whose e)er" winding enticed her ho-eull" onward higher higher' '''

4ow can "ou li)e alone like this, riends oten asked wonderingl", the wo.en -articularl"' 3ithout

a a.il", without a soul that $elongs to "ou6

She had $roken o all relations with her riends with an a$ru-tness that was oreign to her usual

considerate nature'

&sn7t it de-ressing to li)e like this6 & should $eco.e .elanchol"'

She laughed .erril" in answer' No, =uite the contrar"' &t was great to $e alone again, ree to co.e and

go as one -leased' She was ha--" $ecause her wings were not $ound $" distracting ,encounters, trul"

glad to $e a single wo.an again' She had her work and needed nothing else' !ie was so delightul, so

ex=uisitel", ca-ti)atingl" delightul

Alone6 4ad she not her riends, who were close to her heart6 3hen she s-oke o riends, howe)er,

she alwa"s thought o hi., o hi. and o his wie and children' She lo)ed the. all $ecause the" were

a -art o hi., and acce-ted An5uta7s -ronounced e.ininit" and her lack o co.-rehension or the

standards $" which she, the un.arried wo.an, directed her lie, although she was occasionall"

shocked $" her -etit*$ourgeois outlook' 4owe)er, An5uta was si.-le and good, and, a$o)e all, rank

and honest' There was no roo. or -re)arication in her sche.e o things' 4er tongue s-oke what her.ind thought, and she adored her hus$and with an al.ost religious de)otion, a de)otion Natascha

understood and shared' 4ow could one hel- $ut lo)e hi., this s-lendid, earless, honest thinker

At ti.es, it is true, An5uta7s ha$it o dis-la"ing her .arital elicit" $eore Natascha, to tease her with

her $achelordo., $eca.e slightl" exas-erating'

& can7t hel- $ut -it" "ou, ." dear' 3hat is a wo.an7s lie without a .an6 &t lacks the natural -i)ot

a$out which a wo.an7s lie should turn'

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riend''' and she would relate so.e inti.ate detail o her lie with Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch to show

 Natascha how dee-l" he was still in lo)e with her'

 Natascha, who was alwa"s un-leasantl" aected $" these indiscreet inti.acies, would interru-t the.

with a -eculiar eeling o resent.ent not onl" toward An5uta, $ut toward Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch as

well' So.ehow these -ictures o the legiti.ate hus$and see.ed to o$scure the $elo)ed ace o theriend and thinker ro. her )ision' #or da"s ater An5uta told a stor" o this sort she would a)oid hi.

until the i.-ression it created was graduall" wi-ed out'

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;" a$sence will ha)e ar*reaching conse=uences, "ou will see' & know e)en now that our .otion will

 $e deeated'''' Still''' on the other hand ''' 3it5a is still e)erish and An5uta eels ill'', it is reall" .ost

unortunate 5ust now, during this reall" i.-ortant conerence''''

& a. sure we will .anage =uite nicel", she reassured hi.' 3e will do e)er"thing in our -ower to

carr" out "our wishes, "ou .a" rest assured' Not or an instant had she guessed the real reason or hisanxiet" to go with her'

She hurried to the station, not at all dis-leased at the -ros-ect o a ew hours or undistur$ed relection

in which she could decide on the details o the .otion she was to -resent, and la" out a -lan o action

to secure its ado-tion'

;id*winter rost was in the air' Natascha walked $riskl" u- and down the chill" station -lator., her

hands thrust dee- into her .u, her .ind alread" $usil" engaged with the work $eore her' She was

tense $ut sel*conident her s-irits thrilled with the 5o" o a--roaching $attle' She would ight or their

.otion to the $itter inish, to $ring $ack the glad tidings''''

Natal5a Alexandrowna Natal5a Alexandrowna

 Natascha turned =uickl"'

4ere & a., ater all'

Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch stood $eore her, -anting hea)il", with a whi.sical glea. o triu.-h in his

e"es'

& tore ."sel awa", ater all ''' & was actuall" cruel' ''' &7. sorr" or An5uta, $ut '' ' 4e took her ar.a.iliarl" while Natascha looked in wonder.ent at the strange ex-ression o crat" exultation that

 -ersisted on his ace'

The railwa" co.-art.ent was alread" o)ercrowded, and the" were orced to sit )er" close to each

other' Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch continued to gae at Natascha with e"es that or the irst ti.e

 $etra"ed the .an $ehind the gold*ri..ed glasses'

 Natascha was disconcerted, and it added to her conusion to notice that his hand tre.$led when he

touched her' 4is agitation had alread" inected her cal.ness with its intensit"' ?"es, seeking and

 -reci-itousl" a)oiding each other, s-oke their own language as the sweet, delirious current, tor.enting

and enticing alike, $ound her .ore and .ore closel" to the .an who sat $eside her'

At one o the longer sto-s the" let the car or a $reath o air' The" $reathed its keen, wintr" reshness

with a sigh o relie $ecause the" had esca-ed ro. this $eautiul $ut distur$ing drea.' The s.oke*

darkened cit" was ar awa"'

The" s-oke o indierent, tri)ial .atters, and the o--ressi)e tension graduall" )anished' Neither elt

the desire to return to the crowded train'

8ut, $ack in the co.-art.ent once .ore, the .ischie)ous $o" with his arrow again $egan to exercise

his .agic' The sultr" at.os-here and the enorced nearness o their $odies e)oked an irresisti$le

char.' Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch sought Natascha7s hand and she did not withdraw it'

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4esitatingl" he $egan to s-eak o his lie at ho.e, o his wie7s suering and ill*health, and o her

inordinate 5ealous"' 8ut although he s-oke o An5uta, the" $oth understood that it was o his lo)e or

her, or Natascha, that he was telling' 4e had alwa"s -itied An5uta .ore than he lo)ed her in act he

had .arried her $ecause he elt sorr" or her' She had ne)er understood hi.' 4e had li)ed $eside her

like a stranger, locked u- within hi.sel, alone with his thoughts and his as-irations' Then Natascha

had co.e and e)er"thing had changed' !ie has $eco.e light and 5o"ous, and he was no longer alone'She had the ke" to his soul' She was essential to his ha--iness' 4is lo)e or her had -assed through

e)er" stage o ha--iness and -ain, $ut he had ne)er dared to ho-e that she, too, could care or hi.' 4e

had tre.$led $eore her like a lo)e*sick school*$o"' >id she know the 5ealous tortures he had suered

 $ecause o that riend who had introduced the., and how he had re5oiced when the $reak $etween

the. ca.e how he had lo)ed her all these "ears, tenderl" and ho-elessl"6

She listened to hi. in s-eechless astonish.ent, and was glad "es, glad des-ite the anxiet" this

conession caused her' 8ut she no longer ound the ace o her riend, the thinker, in the i.-assioned

eatures o this .an $eside her' 4ow dierent he was, this new, strange Ssen5a, ro. the thoughtul

.an with the childish s.ile o who. she had grown so ond

The new Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch sat close $eside her, and sought her e"es without e)asion, now'

3hat was to $eco.e o it all6 !ie without her was i.-ossi$le' Yet there the" were, his a.il" and his

children' An5uta he would ne)er lea)e An5uta'

3hat shall we do6 3h" should we do an"thing6 4a)e & asked or an"thing6 &t has $een ha--iness

enough or .e to $e "our riend'

;" dearest

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3hen she read her notes on the da"7s -roceedings at the end o the session, it a--eared that she had

.is=uoted one o her o--onents, so that the .eaning o his words had $een distorted' The o--osition

raged'

The" insisted that it had $een done as a cle)er .aneu)er on the -art o the o--osing -art"'

 Natascha was hel-lessl" conused'

Suddenl" Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch -lunged into the discussion with a $itter attack u-on her or her

carelessness' She understood, o course, that it was done to sa)e his grou- ro. the as-ersions o its

o--onents' 4e was -lacing the res-onsi$ilit" where it $elonged on Natascha7s shoulders in order to

show that the", as a action, had nothing to do with it'

Ater the session was o)er the" all walked to the inn together, uriousl" discussing Natascha alone

was silent, tr"ing hard to su--ress her tears'

The" were alone at last'

0r"ing $itterl" she threw hersel on his $reast' She .ade no atte.-t to ex-lain her tears Ssen5a would

understand how she elt, since he, too, .ust eel unha--" o)er the situation into which her unortunate

error had orced the.'

4ad it $een necessar" to censure her =uite so )igorousl"6 on7t cr", ." little one' 3e will see each other oten'

&n the train the" sat with a nu.$er o other co.rades' At the station, $ack in the great, s.ok" cit"

once .ore, the" took or.al lea)e ''' as strangers'

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IV

!

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3hat ha)e his )isits to do with "our work together6 & .ust ad.it, that is so.ething & cannot

understand' You will -ardon .e, $ut & ind this -it" o "ours a $it o)erdone' 4e sits in her roo. and

looks at her or hours with lo)e*lorn e"es and she -ities hi. 4ow a. & to know how ar this -it" o

"ours will take "ou6 &t see.s to .e it should not $e diicult to get rid o a -erson who anno"s one

with that sort o thing'

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3as it onl" this ailure to think and eel with her that was dri)ing the. a-art6 As she recalled scenes

o their lie together, other ugl" re.iniscences orced their wa" orward' There were ti.es when he

had not e)en s-ared the wo.an in her' 4e who was .erc" and thoughtulness itsel toward the An5uta

who so oten a$used and .isused his goodness, could $e incredi$l" ruthless where Natascha was

concerned' No one had e)er hurt her so cruell", and the con)iction that it was done unconsciousl"

.itigated $ut could not wi-e out the sense o outrage that -ersisted' &t had $egun in their irst nighttogether, in the little inn to which the co.rades had $rought the.'

The co.rades had de-arted at last and Natascha led to her roo., tre.$lingl" assuring hersel again

and again that it was true' 4e lo)ed her This earless thinker, this greatl" ad.ired, uni)ersall"

 $elo)ed re)olutionist lo)ed her Sheer, great, i..easura$le ha--iness

She was -re-aring or $ed when a knock at the door caught her with a tooth*$rush in her hand' 8eore

she could answer, Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch ste--ed into the roo. and turned the ke" in the lock'

 Natascha, startled into i..o$ilit", stood gaing at hi., a $rush ull o tooth*-owder still in her .outh'

4ow unn" "ou look' !ike a little $o"

And disregarding Natascha7s stunned -er-lexit" he gathered her in his ar.s'

You s.ell o -e--er.int, he laughed'

3ait, let .e ''' at least let .e wash this -owder ro. ." .outh'

She did not know what to sa" she si.-l" struggled to release hersel ro. a -osition that was

 -h"sicall" unco.orta$le and distasteul to her' 8ut he kissed her li-s that were co)ered with -owder,her neck and her $are shoulders with greed", searching kisses' &n that irst night she elt no res-onse to

his caresses' The" were strange, unco.orta$le and unaccusto.ed' 3hen she recalled his i.-etuous

ardor in their irst night together she re.e.$ered onl" the taste o -e--er.int tooth-owder, and its

disagreea$le grittiness'

3hen he ell aslee- at last, exhausted with $urntout -assion, she leaned o)er the head that rested on

her shoulder with inea$le "earning' Not until then did the co.-assionate tenderness that was her

lo)e or hi. return to her' 3orshi-ull", 5ust touching it gentl" with her li-s, she kissed the high,

thoughtul orehead o his -roud, $eautiul head'

At no ti.e, neither then nor later, was there .ere -h"sical desire or la.ing -assion in the lo)e shega)e hi.' She ga)e her $od" with the dee-, -ure 5o" with which the -riestess o old oered hersel to

the -riest at the shrine o her te.-le' She was gi)ing hersel to her god' To hi. Natascha was the irst

wo.an to waken a great, -assionate desire within hi. he cra)ed her -assionate res-onse' Not the god,

 $ut the .an in hi. clai.ed her lo)e'

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V - IX

 

V

&N these long .onths since she had let hi. she had oten tried to understand her lo)e or hi.' 4ad it

 $rought her onl" suering and resent.ent6 Surel" there had $een $reath*taking, delirious .o.ents o

unallo"ed ha--iness as well

She recalled long, sultr" e)enings in the irst su..er o their lo)e, e)enings she had s-ent with his

a.il" in the exotic strangeness o a southern landsca-e' 4e had $rought his wie and children to the

seashore near the little .ountain )illage where she was s-ending a hard*earned )acation with a

"ounger $rother who was still at school' The" were still tr"ing to o$ser)e outward a--earances, andshe )isited his a.il" and .et his wie at re=uent inter)als' 4e insisted on this, or An5uta7s sake' '''

The old ti.es, when it had $een a -recious -ri)ilege to enter his household, see.ed to ha)e returned

again'

&n these long su..er e)enings she ex-erienced the s-ring*ti.e o their lo)e' The" were re=uentl"

together, $ut alwa"s in the -resence o others' A -eculiar enchant.ent -er)aded these .eetings, a

char. that enhanced their desire or one another and illed each da" with the sweet torture o restless

ho-e and ex-ectanc"' ''' There were stolen hand*clas-s, .eaningul glances, hal s.iles that the"

alone caught and understood, and a longing ex=uisitel" enhanced $" their constant nearness and the

i.-ossi$ilit" o ulill.ent'

The" s-oke .uch and ha--il" o their work and the -ro$le.s that engaged the .o)e.ent at that

.o.ent' So.eti.es the" argued and =uarreled as relentlessl" as i the" were strangers'

8ut the e)enings e)enings on the -orch ."sterious lights o a distant town, water thro$$ing in the

ra"s o the .oon''''

3hat o those others, his wie and their riends, who sat $eside the.6 Natascha and Ssen5a were

hardl" conscious o their -resence' The" were alone together in the witcher" o a southern su..er

night'

 Natascha had onl" to throw hersel $ack into her wicker chair and close her e"es to eel his nearness'She needed onl" to stretch out her hand to touch his $od" ''' and dared not do it' >esire grew her

 $od" was ala.e with it, ala.e with the knowledge that he, too, was $eing drawn to her, that he was

longing to $e with her' ''' She would o-en her e"es in the .oonlight, to catch a =uick glance a

s.ile''''

She laughed she was so ha--", so ull o a sweet content.ent no words could ex-ress'

Thus the" would sit until .idnight, itull" s-eaking' !ong silences, $risk discussions' And her soul

tre.$led and sang, waiting, waiting and $elie)ing in a uture ull o 5o" and gladness'

Ti.e to go ho.e

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 Natascha would sigh out o the ullness o her ha--iness as she rose to take her lea)e'

3e will see "ou ho.e'

All together the" would go with her along the road that la" .ilk"*white in the sil)er o the .oonlight'

4e, close $eside her a leeting touch o his shoulder set her -ulses racing aster and .ore .adl" thanthe .ost er)ent caress when he was alone with her'

A last -ressure o his hand at the gate, another =uick, signiicant s.ile as the" -arted

Ater the" had all disa--eared down the road into the darkness Natascha re.ained in the di. garden,

una$le, as "et, to $ear the -resence o others her heart was too ull, the night too .ar)elous, too

irresisti$l" enchanting'''' Ah, to $e a$le to s-read one7s wings and l" into the darkl" $eckoning, star*lit

sk" To run, switl", switl", down the hill to his house, to all a$out his neck,''''or'''

#oolish, sweetl"*.ad, gust", disconnected thoughts and desires'

Sweet, o--ressi)e, all*-er)ading ragrance o southern night*$loo.s'

VI

A short, colorul su..er' Short, and ar*awa" as a drea.'

4ad there $een no ha--iness in her lo)e $ut this6 Ne)er again6

She tried to re.e.$er, tried hard her $rews urrowed darkl" as she recalled the da"s that ollowed,

or .e.or" $rought onl" -ainul, stolen, tainted hours, hours o hurt, hours o suering'

Then her e"es grew light again'

Ah, "es, she re.e.$ered' She re.e.$ered' To think that she had orgotten

The ollowing s-ring ''' she was engaged on her last larger -iece o writing, working e)erishl" and

without rest, co.-letel" o$li)ious to e)er"thing a$out her'

And then ''' his telegra.'

She took a case o $ooks to the tin" roo. on the outskirts o the cit" where she ke-t her tr"st with hi.,

to ill with work the long, irkso.e hours $etween his )isits that she would otherwise ha)e s-ent ini.-atient idleness' There he would ind her when he ca.e to the little roo. a.ong the acacia

 $losso.s, engrossed in her task, cheeks lushed and the .ist o authorshi- in her e"es'

That .onth had $een one o unallo"ed delight' 3hat had .ade it so6 her lo)e6 her work6 At the

ti.e she neither thought nor asked'''enough to know that it was $eautiul, that her s-irits soared, that

there was lie, the lie that one eels onl" in childhood and earl" "outh, in e)er" i$re o her $eing'

At night she would get u- ro. their $ed to tear o-en the windows and ad.it the hea)" ragrance o

acacia $losso.s, to look out at the itull"*antastic -atterns the .oon -ainted through the lea)es on

the grass, and on the ta$le with the tea*cu-s that re.ained there ro. a late re-ast'

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&t see.ed a -it" to slee-, a -it" not to eel the intense, thro$$ing wonder in her heart'

She recalled one night, 5ust $eore the" let a hot, o--ressi)e night'

Surrounded $" dark*green shadows and ragrant lowers it see.ed to Natascha as i she had ne)er

known $eore what lie could .ean'

She leaned ar out o the window, drew a $ranch o acacia toward her and -lucked a ragrant, tenderl"*

white cluster o $losso.s'

4ow $eautiul it is 4ow $eautiul

She wanted to laugh, to wake Ssen5etschka to tell hi. how .uch she lo)ed hi., how ha--" she was'''

Nataschka, where are "ou6

Ssen5a, what a wonderul night' ''' !ook at these lowers, Ssen5a' >o "ou s.ell the.6 She $ent o)er

hi. tenderl" holding the scent*laden lowers to his nostrils'

;" lo)e, it is like the ragrance o "our own sweet soul tender and .addening' 4is li-s touched

the ingers that held the acacia*twig'

To Natascha it see.ed as i her =ui)ering heart were rising to uni.agined heights' No, her lo)e had

 $rought her .ore than suering: -recious .o.ents, sweet, ini.ita$le hours that would ne)er return

had $een hers as well e-he.eral, ragile ha--iness'

3ould it ne)er return6 Ne)er6

VII

T4? last ew weeks had o)erwhel.ed Natascha & and her co.rades with unex-ected work

de.anding, intense, attenti)e a--lication, and as alwa"s when the need arose, li)ing, )ital hu.an

 $eings, de)oted to the cause, s-rang u- on e)er" side to carr" it through'

 Natascha ound a new satisaction in the at.os-here o intense endea)or that surrounded her' #or the

irst ti.e she knew the satisaction o $eing a tin" cog in a -owerul .echanis. $eginning to rotate in

resistless acco.-lish.ent' The rank de)otion o her colleagues restored to Natascha so.e o her old

)i)acit" and her laughter rang oten and cheeril" through the long, dark corridors o the drear"a-art.ent in which the" worked' 4er co.rades would s.ile indulgentl"'

4ow ha--" our Natal5a Alexandrowna has $eco.e

She is -ro$a$l" in lo)e, co..ented the co.rade who worked at her side, .atter*o*actl", and

without looking u- ro. his work he asked, &s it true, Natal5a Alexandrowna6 4a)e "ou allen in

lo)e6

And with who., -ra"6 3ith "ou, -erha-s6 3ho else do & e)er see, 3an5etschka6

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id he know what she was

doing6 4e knew nothing o her lie or her work, nothing o the thrilling .onths o gruelling la$or she

had $ehind her' She .ight ha)e $een arrested, she .ight ha)e died he would ha)e $een none the

wiser' 0o.e Cust as i the" had -arted "esterda" As i nothing had ha--ened $etween the., and he

had not, with his own hand, inlicted a .ortal wound to her lo)e or hi.'

Should she go to hi. again to s-end hours $eside a .an who was dea to her inner )oice, sit $eside

one who saw onl" her -roile, ne)er the whole Natascha6 Should she lie in his ar.s and "et eel thatshe was ar, ar awa" ro. hi. $ecause he saw onl" what he chose to see o her6

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 No, no' She would not go She would not $e caught again ?nough

 Natascha threw $ack her head with that characteristic gesture or which the co.rades used to tease

her, and took her -en to answer orthwith with a decisi)e reusal' 8ut how to address it6 4is ho.e was

out o the =uestionhis wie would -lague hi. to distraction' To 4'6 4e would not get there $eore the

twent"*eighth' Su--ose he were going there 5ust to .eet her again6 The thought o his disa--oint.entat inding her reusal there was al.ost .ore than she could $ear' 4is letter would tell her what was

taking hi. there'

As she read, her indignation wilted and disa--eared and with it the eeling o neglect and hurt, gi)ing

 -lace to a war. lood o tenderness or this gentle thinker with the tender soul who had written her

these hu.$l" -leading, a$5ectl" sel*re-roachul lines' #ar ro. $eing indierent to her ate he had

ollowed her acti)it" ro. a distance, greedil" collecting e)er" hit o inor.ation he could get

concerning her acti)it"' 4e knew that she was engaged in diicult, res-onsi$le work and had re5oiced

that she had ound a congenial occu-ation to distract her thoughts ro. the -ain he knew he had

inlicted' ''' 4e, howe)er, had ound that eelings are stronger than reason' &t was useless to struggle

against the.' There had not $een a da" when he had not longed or her'

4is relations with his wie were unchanged, worse, i an"thing' 4e had $eco.e .ore critical and .ore

irrita$le, and his ho.e lie was $eco.ing a )erita$le hell' 3ork, under those circu.stances,

 -rogressed slowl"' /ecentl", howe)er, he had chanced on an interesting thought that see.ed worth

ollowing u-, and in search o .aterial he had .ade the ac=uaintance o a -roessor in 4' who had

 -laced his li$rar" at Ssen5a7s dis-osal' #or that reason, and $ecause he .ust talk it o)er with Natascha,

who would hel- hi. de)elo- it .ore ull", he had decided to s-end the next .onth and a hal or two

.onths in 4'

Should the" let this wonderul o--ortunit" sli- $" without seeing each other again6 Natascha .ust

co.e Secretl", o course, as alwa"s' No one .ust know where or or what -ur-ose she was going

D$ecause o An5utaE' She would .anage so.ehow' A -ostscri-t $egged her to su--l" hersel with the

necessar" unds, since his own inances were in a .ore than -recarious condition' This was not new to

her' She had alwa"s $een inanciall" $etter o than he, and the" had alwa"s arranged their .eetings

on that $asis, she -alling the ex-enses that arose'

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 Natascha was no longer in dou$t as to her intentions' That =uestion had decided itsel irre)oca$l"

while she -ersued his letter' 8ut she .ust ind so.e wa" out o all the diiculties and hindrances that

stood in the wa" o her going' A$o)e all, this .one" =uestion would ha)e to $e decided'

She $egan to calculate' 3hat she had would 5ust -a" her tri- to 4' 3here to get the rest that was the

=uestion' Pawn her watch6 She would get so little or it that it would not $e worth the trou$le'Telegra-hing to her relati)es was too distasteul to $e considered the" would -ro$a$l" answer in a

letter ull o hints and recri.inations'

A -eculiar -erson, her Ssen5a' 3as she a .illionairess6 >id it ne)er occur to hi. that it .ight $e

diicult or her to raise such a su. at a .o.ent7s notice6 #or an instant a eeling o resent.ent took

 -ossession o her' 4e -aid no attention to her diiculties e)er' !ike a child''''

This co.-arison touched and sotened her at once'

?xactl"' A child, a great, o)er*grown child' (reat .inds were like that like children in -ractical

.atters' That was natural'

She s-ent the rest o the e)ening, till ar into the night, o)er her -lans, $ut the .ore earnestl" she

relected, the urther it see.ed to re.o)e her ro. an" wa" out o the diicult"'

3ould she ha)e to orego this )isit to hi. $ecause o a little stu-id .one"6

 Natascha sat u- des-eratel" in her $ed and $eat her hands together in her anguish'

;one" was $" no .eans the onl" consideration, o course' There were her work, and the

res-onsi$ilities she had assu.ed' True, she had -lanned it so well that it was running s.oothl" on itsown .o.entu.' She would -ro$a$l" ind so.eone to take her -lace or three or our weeks' 8ut all

this was .ore easil" said than done' 3hat would the co.rades think o her6 &t was not -leasant to eel

their disa--ro)ing e"es' A look o conde.nation or an unriendl" .alicious co..ent had .ore than

once de-ressed her or a whole da"' She would ha)e to s-eak to >one who, she knew, disa--ro)ed

o her and called her the ine lad" $ehind her hack' 4e would naturall" resent this sudden de-arture

and would see in it, not without 5ustiication, new -roo o his contention that she was unrelia$le' Cust

as & said' Natal5a Alexandrowna is too .uch concerned with .atters outside o the .o)e.ent'

She could al.ost hear his un-leasant, grating )oice as he walked ro. one corner o the roo. to the

other with his slightl" halting gait' She resolutel" -ut hi. out o her .ind, and reused to consider

what would ha--en ater she returned'''That would take care o itsel aterwards now she .ust indso.e wa" out' Ssen5etschka .ust not $e disa--ointed, and she hersel''' a$o)e e)er"thing else she

.ust see hi. again' She elt that she would lose hi. irre)oca$l" i she ailed to answer his call at this

ti.e, and the thought, with its $itter inalit", was .ore than she could $ear'

/ather die than that

3hen she ca.e to the oice earlier than was her wont on the ollowing .orning, her wear" e"es ell

with a glea. o ho-e on 3an5etschka, throning on a high chair, alone in the roo. in the .idst o a

cloud o cigarette s.oke' 4e was underscoring a -aragra-h here and a sentence there in so.e

news-a-ers that la" $eore hi.'

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& ha)e the honor to re-ort to her 4ighness Natal5a Alexandrowna and to wish her the $est o health,

he .ocked, without, howe)er, raising his head'

(ood .orning, 3an5etschka'

3an5etschka caught a trace o sel*-it" in her )oice and threw her a =uick look o)er his glasses'

3hat is trou$ling "our 4ighness6 ;elanchol"6

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Put it that wa", i "ou will''''

3h" didn7t "ou sa" so at once instead o $eating a$out the $ush with "our 7-ersonal reasons'7 The lad"

.ust lea)e us, whether or a week or ore)er she doesn7t sa"' & "ou had told .e at once that it7s a

.atter o cons-irac", would & ha)e $othered "ou with =uestions6 & a. not curious' & know that one

does not ask unnecessar" =uestions in such aairs, and that what "ou do not tell .e & a. not su--osedto know' 8ut hel- ''' 6 & it is -ossi$le, o course & will hel-'

 Natascha did not answer, $ut she was =uite satisied with 3an5etschka7s inter-retation o her

 -redica.ent, -articularl" since he was e)identl" -ondering on the -ossi$ilit" o -rocuring the desired

unds or her' Ater all, was it a cri.e to decei)e hi. concerning the -ur-ose or which the .one" was

to $e used6 She was .erel" tr"ing to $orrow on good securit", and was ull" -re-ared to -ledge the

ro"alties o her last literar" work in return' The article was alread" in t"-e'

Ne)er .ind "our inancial sche.es 5ust now' #irst we .ust ind so.eone who has .one" to gi)e''''

There is an old gentle.an ''' $ut & a. araid he has $een too thoroughl" -lucked $" our co.rades in

the -ast to $e a--roacha$le' 4e will -ro$a$l" reuse to gi)e again'

3an5etschka, & know who. "ou .ean' Tr" it, -lease, or ." sake' &t will $e easier i "ou go to hi.'

Tell hi. that the .one" is to go through ." hands, that & hold ."sel -ersonall" res-onsi$le or its

re-a".ent' ''' &7ll gi)e "ou a note at once i "ou think it is $est' '' '

?as", eas", now' Not a cent within a .ile o her and she is handing out recei-ts'''' You are a

inancier, & .ust sa"' 8ut here & a. chattering awa" when & should $e tele-honing' ''' Ah, Natal5a

Alexandrowna, a ine one "ou are to distract an honest working.an ro. his la$or, te.-ting hi. ro.

the straight and narrow -ath o dut"'

Two da"s later 3an5etschka handed Natascha an en)elo-e with great show o cere.on"'

4ere "ou are' & ha)e .et the ene." and he is ours

3an5etschka, "ou darling She was read" to kiss hi.'

3hat is all this ''' darling and kisses, indeed Such a uss o)er a little, uni.-ortant .atter'

8ut now the recei-t, ." lad", i "ou -lease' The old .an is a hard custo.er' 4e groaned'''ti.es are so

 $ad and he has gi)en so .uch that he has nothing or hi.sel' 3ell, then & told hi. that "ou were

read" to oer securit" and .entioned "our willingness to gi)e "our -ersonal recei-t' 4e $eca.e sotat once' 4ere, here, don7t -ut that en)elo-e into "our -ocket without counting the .one"' 4ow do "ou

know & ha)en7t cheated "ou6 Perha-s & took hal o it or ."sel'

You would $e welco.e to e)er" -enn" o it, 3an5etschka'

This is a ine state o aairs' 3h" do "ou ask or twice as .uch as "ou need, -ra", i one*hal the

a.ount is suicient6

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& a. so grateul to "ou, 3an5etschka, so grateul'

At the door 3an5etschka turned $ack to her once .ore'

&n that case, "ou .a" send .e a -ost*card ro. the -lace where "ou are going' &t would $e interesting

to see it'

4e laughed i.-ishl" at her e)ident disco.iture'

& -ro.ise not to $reathe a word to another .ortal soul' & will kee- it a secret to the end o ." da"s '''

 $ut as to ."sel & a. interested' & "ou trust .e, send .e a card' @nless & recei)e one ro. "ou, "ou

.a" consider our riendshi- at an end'

3an5etschka -ulled his ur ca- o)er his orehead with an ex-ression o se)ere grandilo=uence and

disa--eared $ehind the door'

VIII

 NATAS04A was in a e)er o ex-ectanc"' Ti.e in the railroad carriage was standing still' At ti.es

 Natascha7s heart ex-anded 5o"ousl" at the -ros-ect o .eeting her lo)er, then it la" still, counting the

.inutes and hours that stretched $etween her and the .o.ent when she would see hi. again' The last

hours $eca.e ex=uisite torture' Su--ose he did not co.e to the station 3here would she ind hi.6

3ould she ha)e to s-end a wretched night in the drear" inn o a strange town alone6 3hen the

station lights a--eared outside the windows o the train at last, her heart $eat so )iolentl" that she

looked at her neigh$ors in alar., so sure she was that the" .ust ha)e heard it' Tuk*tuk*tuk it was

causing her actual -h"sical -ain, and sent the $lood like an un-leasant, ic" douche through her )eins'

4er hands were tre.$lingl", uselessl" nu.$ as she leaned ar out o the window or a gli.-se o hi.'

3as he there6 3as he there6

The station ''' .illing crowds ''' -eo-le so .an" o the. 3ould he $e a$le to ind her6 3ould he

see her6

There he was'

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Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch .arched to the exit o the station with studied unconcern, as i he had

nothing in the world to do with Natascha who, tr"ing hard to .ake hersel $elie)e that she had alread"

seen hi., hurried anxiousl" ater hi., lest she all $ehind and lose sight o hi.'

&n the leeting glance she had $een a$le to gi)e hi. it had see.ed to her that he was changed' There

was so.ething dierent, strange a$out hi.' 4ad he $eco.e stouter6

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8ruised and $roken, the $eautiul shining ha--iness that had $rought her to hi. as i on wings'

8ruised and $roken $" Ssen5a with his i.-etuous, $rutall"*inconsiderate caresses'

!et .e kiss "ou, Natascha' (i)e .e "our li-s' 3h" do "ou turn awa"6 >o "ou lo)e .e6

 Natascha silentl" -ressed his head to her $reast, the dear head she lo)ed so .uch'

She s.iled, $ut there were tears in her e"es' Tears o ha--iness he thought'

!et hi. think as he wished' Natascha knew that her soul was wee-ing o)er the shattered rag.ents o

another drea., that her heart was $leeding ro. another wound that would ne)er, ne)er heal'

4e was aslee-, and Natascha sat at the head o the $ed staring steadil" into the darkness $eore her,

tr"ing in )ain to co.-rehend what had ha--ened'

4e lo)es .e' &s it .e he lo)es, or the wo.an that is &6 That in .e which $elongs to ." sex, not .e'

&s it or this & let ." work, and went into de$t6 3as it or this that & rushed, hea)en alone knowswhere, excited, ha--", $elie)ing in so.ething ine and $eautiul ''' 6

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That was their .eeting as she had drea.ed it' 8ut ater this $ridal night Natascha had lost her desire to

s-eak' 4er answers were languid and diss-irited'

You see. to $e out o sorts, he re.arked, scanning her ace intentl"'

Not at all' & a. si.-l" tired' Not enough slee-'

Poor little girl 3hat is to $eco.e o "ou i one night with .e wears "ou out like this6

There was a =uiicall" sel*conscious s.ile on his ace as he said this, that $rought an unwilling

rown to Natascha7s $row' She struggled or sel*control lest so.e unaccusto.ed, shar- word sli- -ast

her li-s'

A knock at the door'

Ssen5a hastened to o-en'

A telegra.'

#ro. An5uta' &t had $een sent general deli)er", $ut the hotel address had $een re-orted to the

 -ostoice' Kokotchka had the .easles and was kee-ing An5uta in constant attendance' She was 5ust

a$out worn out'

As usual, Ssen5a sighed'

As he stood $eore her with his legs s-read and his head $owed down, there was so.ething so

childishl" touching in his glu. igure that Natascha7s old tenderness or this .an, who was so strongand deter.ined in the $ig things o lie and so weak and hel-less in its tri)ialities, illed her entire

 $eing once .ore'

This, this was the Ssen5a she lo)ed, this -oor, -athetic, touchingl" hel-less creature' '''

&n an instant she was $eside hi., holding his head in her ar.s and gentl" kissing his e"es' '''

So.ehow she elt that she had 5ust ound hi. again, as i she had neither seen hi. nor $een with hi.

 $eore'

3ait a .o.ent, Natascha' Not now, -lease'

Again he had .isunderstood her innocent de.onstrati)eness' 3e .ust think this o)er' 3hat a. & to

do a$out this, do "ou su--ose6

4e s-oke with a discouraged .o)e.ent o his hands and Natascha caught the., the dear, hel-less,

i.-ractical hands, in her own and sta..ered:

Cust now & elt ''' as i & had 5ust this .o.ent co.e $ack to "ou,

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FFFFF

on7t "ou know An5uta6 No, i & ail to re-ort at the -roessor7s house

to*da", & will not ha)e a -eaceul hour while & a. here'

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& shall not tell "ou' & won7t let "ou see it' This is ." secret'

Secret6 Now & insist on seeing it' (i)e .e that card at once' & de.and it' & "ou do not gi)e it to .e

willingl", & shall use orce'

The" struggled laughingl" or a .o.ent, $ut their aces $etra"ed the seriousness $ehind their -la"'

3ell, this is a ine state o aairs, & .ust sa"' 3hen ha)e "ou had secrets ro. .e $eore6''' You

ne)er used to hide "our letters ro. .e'

& don7t want "ou to read ." letters' You ha)e no right to ask it'''' 4ow dare "ou This is t"rann"

4e had .anaged to -r" a-art the ingers that clutched the card, and held it in his hand'

>on7t "ou dare read that card >on7t dare, & tell "ou ''' This is an outrage Natascha7s )oice was

tense with ur" as she snatched the card ro. his unsus-ecting hand and tore it into $its $eore she

threw it into the waste $asket'

Natascha

The" looked at each other with angr", .easuring e"es'

This is an i.-osition, a )ulgar, coarse i.-osition' >on7t "ou dare read ." letters >on7t "ou dare

 Natascha was -anting, her cheeks glowed and her li-s unconsciousl" re-eated the $itter words again

and again'

Natascha Natascha 3hat does this .ean6 &t is true, then6 4e sank to the soa and co)ered his ace

with his hands, a -icture o traged"'

&s what true6 Natascha looked at hi. curiousl"'

That "ou ha)e alread" ound another lo)er' That "ou let another .an $ehind "ou, a .an o who.

"ou are ond''' 6

Are "ou .ad6 ''' 3hat gi)es "ou the right to think that6

& recei)ed two anon".ous letters with all sorts o details' '' '

And "ou $elie)ed the.6

& $urned the. u- at once ''' $ut ater this''''what a. & to think6 Your e.$arrass.ent when & ca.e in,

"our incredi$le stu$$ornness, this anger ''' "ou ne)er s-oke to .e in this tone $eore'

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Pit" or "ou6

You ha)e such a good heart'

4is ace was so drawn with -ain, his e"es so ull o genuine sorrow that Natascha could not hel-

s.iling'

>ear, sill" Ssen5etschka 4ow could "ou $elie)e that or a .o.ent6 >on7t "ou know what "ou are to

.e6

Kneeling down $eore hi. she e.$raced and kissed hi.' 4e resisted at irst and reused to $e caught

 $" her caresses and tricks'

And the letter6 he de.anded, distrustull"'

The letter6 '''

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8ut "ou are oended' 8ecause "ou ha)e ound a .aster, & su--ose, who -er.its hi.sel to issue

orders' 4e e.$raced her' 3hat is one to do with "ou wo.en6 on7t $e angr" at .e' & was 5ust teasing' You know &7. not angr"'

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during her recent -regnanc" and deli)er" at a ti.e when the" alread" lo)ed each other' This

 -roessor who. she had ne)er seen, who. she .ight ne)er know, was arousing a $lind tor.enting

 5ealous" in her heart' &t would $e so eas" or hi. to occu-" the -lace she held in Ssen5a7s lie, .aking

her su-erluous where she had $elie)ed hersel irre-lacea$le'

3ith exas-erating, su-ericial sketchiness Ssen5a re-eated the -roessor7s contentions, as i the" could $e o no -ossi$le interest to her' 4is .anner inti.ated that he was si.-l" su$.itting to her

unreasona$le, childish curiosit"' Natascha )indicti)el" attacked what she considered a allac" in the

 -roessor7s logic and -ro-ounded her -oint o )iew extra)agantl", $ut he $luntl" declined to enter into

the .atter'

You ha)e si.-l" ailed to ollow his line o thought, which is a great deal .ore co.-licated than "ou

see. to realie, and with this he turned the con)ersation ro. the'su$5ect with inuriating $oredo. in

his )oice' & a. reall" tired, he added with a "awn' Ti.e to go to slee-'''' (oodnight, Natascha'

(oing alread"6 & had $een counting on a ew hours with "ou this e)ening to talk .atters o)er' & ha)e

hardl" seen "ou all da"'

3hat is there to talk a$out6 &t is ater .idnight, and we can talk to*.orrow' &7)e had -racticall" no

slee- or da"s, and need a good night7s rest to $e resh or work to*.orrow' The -roessor and & are

going to the li$rar" together'

4e kissed her dutiull" $ut at the door he turned $ack to her once .ore'

You know, Nataschka, this was a s-lendid idea o .ine to co.e here, & .ean' This has $een a

grati"ing, -roita$le da"' Slee- well, Natascha' Nodding a.ia$l" once .ore, he went out'

 Noisil" Natascha -ushed the $olt'

(one without a thought o her and the intolera$le, loneso.e da" she had s-ent' S-lendid, -roita$le

da", indeed' This condescending attitude when he s-oke to her, as i she were a ri)olous light*o*lo)e

instead o a co.rade dee-l" interested in his work This had ne)er ha--ened to her $eore, nor would

she e)er orget or orgi)e this hu.iliation' The assurance that he understood and a--ro)ed o her

o-inions, that he was o$5ecti)el" interested in her work and )alued her o-inions had hel-ed her to $ear

criticis., ailure and attacks with e=uani.it"' 3as it -ossi$le that he had -retended interest in her

work onl" $ecause she was a wo.an who a--ealed to the .an in hi.6 3ould he ha)e shown her the

sa.e interested attention i she had $een an un-re-ossessing ru.-, or would he ha)e turned the

con)ersation ro. her o$5ections as he had done this e)ening6

& shall go to hi. at once to tell hi. how & eel' To*.orrow & will return to ." co.rades and ."

work' This is no lie or a sel*res-ecting wo.an, this endless chain o hu.iliations' & no longer lo)e

hi.' & $elie)e & hate hi.'

/esolutel" she went to the door, $ut as her hand touched the kno$ a -icture o the -ro$a$le outco.e o

her )isit lashed across her .ind as the utilit" o an" atte.-t to .ake hi. understand dawned on her'

She returned to $ed in hel-less anger'

&t was $eco.ing .ore and .ore i.-ossi$le to $reak through the wall o .isunderstanding that was

arising $etween the.' 3ords that esca-ed their angr" li-s clung to it .aking it .ore and .orei.-enetra$le'

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Ver" well, then' Since he reused to listen to her, let .atters re.ain as the" were $etween the.' She

would tr" to ex-lain no .ore' To*.orrow she would tell hi. cal.l" and undra.aticall": & a. going

ho.e' The" need .e there' !et hi. sta" here with his -roessor

She tugged uriousl" at the laces o her shoes' She would go to slee-, to sto- thinking' ''' 3ith the

 -er)ersit" o inani.ate o$5ects the laces had $eco.e twisted and tangled into an inextrica$le knot'

&s that so6 she .ur.ured gri.l"' This is how & settle such aairs' &n a wide are the torn laces lew

to the loor her dress was tu.$led on the chair in a disorderl" hea- let it ru.-le She -ulled at her

hair with )indicti)e 5erks, and clenched her teeth as she -re-ared or the night' Yet, unconsciousl", she

had $een .aking hersel as attracti)e as -ossi$le, and the sight o her igure in the glass, swathed in

the $rightl" colored dressing gown that Ssen5a had christened the gown o 0irce when he irst saw

her in it, threw her once .ore into a it o dee-est de-ression' She couldn7t lea)e without ha)ing

shown hersel in it again she re.e.$ered how he lo)ed to wra- her in its )olu.inous olds' She

couldn7t lea)e hi. where would she ind the strength to $attle with lie, i she were ne)er to see hi.

again6

3hat was .ore natural than that she should go to hi., to a--eal to hi. and .ake hi. the ar$iter o

his own shortco.ings, that she .ight orgi)e hi. all the hurt that the $lind Ssen5a had inlicted on her

this da"6 Not angril", as she had wanted to go at irst' ''' 4e would listen to her and she would .ake

hi. understand' 3hat was it worth, this understanding the" were so -roud o, i she .ust conceal the

thing that la" nearest her heart6 She would not $e a$le to slee- at an" rate, until she had s-oken to hi.'

0autiousl", lest she .eet so.eone in the long corridor that led to Ssen5etschka7*s roo., she cre-t

along o)er the sot car-et into which her eet sank un-leasantl"' Sixt"*our, sixt"*six, sixt"*eight'''here

it was' ''' Those were his shoes'

Should she go in ''' $etter not, -erha-s' ;ore than an hour had -assed since he had let the roo. he

would $e ast aslee-' 8ut the desire to see hi. and to stroke his $elo)ed head, the urgent need o

 $anishing these unendura$le dou$ts, to .elt this ice that held her soul in its cla.." e.$race, i.-elled

her to turn the kno$ o the door' &t o-ened with a shrill s=ueak ''' the light o the corridor ell across the

slee-er7s ace'

3hat is it6 ''' 3ho is it6 ''' 4e $linked at her with his near*sighted e"es without recognition'

&t is &, Ssen5etschka'

She closed the door and knelt down $eside his $ed'

You, Nataschka' 3ell, well, so "ou ca.e ater all'''

An undertone in his )oice $etra"ed a s.ug .asculine sel*satisaction that cut her to the =uick'

Ssen5etschka, & ca.e $ecause & elt so $adl" & was so $itter and alone' '' '

0o.e, co.e, now, need "ou a-ologie or co.ing to .e6 You si.-l" can7t go to slee-, knowing that

& a. so close $"' Ah, what is this "ou are wearing, te.-tress6 4e gathered her into his ar.s and tried

to draw her into his $ed'

She resisted hal*heartedl", $ut res-onded to his kisses'

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!et .e go, Ssen5etschka' You .ustn7t' & didn7t co.e or this'''' There is so.ething & .ust s-eak to

"ou a$out' & ca.e onl" to war. ." heart to $e near "ou'

0o.e, "ou with "our 7& onl" ca.e or this7 and 7& onl" ca.e or that7 You wo.en are a -eculiar lot

alwa"s looking or so.e excuse or -retense to hide the act that "ou, too, ha)e sinul desires' 3e .en

are alwa"s wicked seducers' 4ere this lad" co.es to .e o her own ree will, wakes .e out o ."slee-, and now, i "ou -lease, what a touch*.e*not she -retends to $e' ''' 4a)e & oended "ou6 & was

 5ust teasing, little sill"' You know how glad & a. that "ou ca.e to .e, "ou sweet, wonderul

creature'''' 4ere ." little girl co.es to war. her heart and .ust sit on the cold loor' 0o.e in here to

.e'

 Natascha7s negligee or.ed a $rilliant s-lash o color on the hotel roo. car-et'

FFFFF

Not another word now' & want to slee-' Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch interru-ted another atte.-t at

what he called her -s"chological dissertations' The da" is the ti.e or talk' Now & want to rest' Youorget that & .ust work to*.orrow, and won7t $e a$le to, unless ." head is clear'

4e turned his ace to the wall and wra--ed the $lankets a$out hi. Natascha la" on her $ack, her

hands under her head, disgust and resent.ent in her heart'

Alwa"s this oensi)e change in his attitude toward her $eore and ater' 0oldness and strangeness

while Natascha elt closer, nearer to hi., the ha--ier their union, the .ore ardent his caresses, the

.ore er)ent the assurance that the" lo)ed each other had $een'

She looked sadl" at his a.iliar neck ''' the sa.e, $elo)ed head, the sa.e, cle)er Ssen5etschka' (entl"she kissed the na-e o his neck and sotl" arose ro. his $ed' 8ut her soul was as cold and loneso.e

as $eore'

Slee- well, Ssen5etschka' You will slee- .ore soundl" i & go to ." roo.' 3on7t "ou kiss .e $eore &

go6

She $ent o)er hi.'

4a)en7t we kissed enough or to*night6 That is so.ething & can7t understand in "ou ''' so.eti.es "ou

see. -ositi)el" insatia$le, it see.s al.ost like an aliction Natascha drew $ack as i she had $een

struck' 3as this the inter-retation he -ut on her longing or a little war.th6

Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch -ressed his head into the -illow while she slowl" dressed in the dark roo.

 $eore going through that endless corridor with its red, disagreea$l" sot car-et once .ore' At the

corner where the corridor turned, the night-orter sat at his usual -lace $" a s.all ta$le'

3hen Natascha -assed hi. he looked at her with a sha.elessl" derisi)e look and .ur.ured a word

whose insulting i.-ort she could onl" sur.ise'''' Natascha shuddered'

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X - XV

 

X

T4? da"s in 4' had $eco.e a lie o )oluntar" & solitar" conine.ent' These -eriods o retire.ent

during their careull" -lanned .eetings had a.used her hugel" when the" irst entered u-on their

clandestine relations' She called Ssen5a her -ascha and hersel his hare. odalisk' This sudden

transition ro. a lie o ner)ous, eer)escent acti)it" in constant hu.an co.-anionshi- to this

co.-lete isolation ro. lie and -eo-le had a--ealed to her sense o the ludicrous'

The co.rades had ne)er ex-ressed sur-rise at her sudden disa--earances' So.e o the. $elie)ed that

she was $ound $" a.il" ties that orced these -eriodic a$sences u-on her, while others attri$utedthe. to ."sterious cons-iratic acti)it"'

These $rie interru-tions o her hurried, ner)e*racking lie had alwa"s $een welco.e -eriods o

relaxation and re-ose' This ti.e the role o odalisk o--ressed and irritated her' She dared not lea)e the

hotel, lest so.e chance ac=uaintance .eet her on the street' She .ust not re.ain too long in the

reading*roo. lest Ssen5a, returning to her roo., lea)e again without ha)ing .et her' Ssen5a7s co.-lete

a$sor-tion in his work and e)en .ore it see.ed to Natascha in the -roessor and his hos-ita$le

a.il", let her alone or long hours that dragged along in tedious, irkso.e and ruitless ex-ectation o

his co.ing' 4e drank his .orning coee with his e"es on the clock lest he $e late or his a--oint.ent,

he sta"ed at the -roessor7s house or dinner and s-ent .ost o his e)enings there'

 Natascha had to content hersel with rag.entar" re.nants o his $us" da"s, stolen hours when he

esca-ed the -roessor7s house under the -retense o i.-ortant letters to $e written and notes to $e iled'

4e alwa"s ca.e to her in the $est o s-irits, $ut consistentl" steered con)ersation awa" ro. an" $ut

the .ost su-ericial to-ics' ;ost o all he liked to lie on the soa while Natascha -re-ared tea,

 -retending to a--reciate his en5o".ent o it' 4e told her less and less a$out his work and was al.ost

niggardl" in his re-orts o con)ersations with the -roessor'

4er anti-ath" to the -roessor grew to e)en greater -ro-ortions in conse=uence' The old archi)e rat

with his scholarshi- was deluding Ssen5a into distrusting his own o-inions'

&7. a.aed at "our nai)ete, she once re.arked to hi.' 3hat .akes "ou so idioticall" rank withthe -roessor6 You s-read out "our theses or hi. $eore "ou ha)e satisied "oursel concerning the.'

8" the ti.e "ou are read" to write he will ha)e used the. or his own -ur-oses, with the added

ad)antage o his own -roessional intellectualit"'

The o*hand .anner in which she s-oke was calculated to irritate Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch out o his

 -lacidit"'

4ow childish that is, Natascha' You are $eco.ing al.ost as $ad as An5uta' Since when do colleagues

.ake it a -ractice to steal each other7s ideas6

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3hat was to $eco.e o the work the" had so ho-eull" launched, now these two were gone6 & onl"

she hersel had re.ained at her -ost the" would $e needing her there'

3ell, look here, Natascha, this won7t do at all' You .ustn7t let go like that 4ead u-, little girl, this is

no ti.e or tears' There was a suggestion o re-roo in his tone he was thoroughl" tired o wo.en7s

tears' &n all -ro$a$ilit" it is onl" hal as $ad as it see.s' You7ll see, e)er"thing will co.e out nicel" inthe end'

&t isn7t onl" o the. &7. thinking' ?)er"thing what is the sense o li)ing6 Nothing $ut unha--iness

>o "ou know, that ti.e & worked $" the Volga' '' ' Ssen5a tried to distract her thoughts $" telling her

o an e-isode out o his re)olutionar" ex-eriences that see.ed 5ust the thing or the -ur-ose' Natascha

knew e)er" one o the. $" heart and listened a$sentl"' 3hat had all this to do with it6 She wanted to

s-eak o her dou$ts and suering

So "ou see the diiculties one encounters'''and & a. still here to tell a$out it' ''' & ha)en7t e)en lost ."

enthusias. or char.ing wo.en, as "ou see' Natascha, & don7t $elie)e "ou7)e heard a word &7)es-oken

&7)e $een listening, Ssen5a' 8ut there is so.ething & .ust s-eak to "ou a$out'''' &7. going to lea)e to*

.orrow' & ha)en7t the -eace o .ind to sta" here an" longer'

Nonsense' To go now would $e to court danger' & won7t allow it' You, with "our te.-era.ental

nature, are $ound to get into trou$le'3ait until things ha)e cal.ed down again' Ater all the" don7t

need "ou nearl" as .uch as "ou think' You .a" $e sure the" will .anage )er" nicel" without "ou'

 Natascha o$5ected strenuousl", tr"ing eagerl" to .ake hi. a--reciate the i.-ortance o her -erson tothe .o)e.ent at this -articular .o.ent'

Please, Natascha, don7t $e childish' >o "ou want .e to $elie)e the" won7t he a$le to ind an"one to

attend to that6 The" will take care o it $etter than "ou'''

She read a nu.$er o letters to hi., e)er" one o the. urging her to return, $ut the" ailed to i.-ress

hi.'

And who is it that writes these letters6 The h"sterical ;ar5a ;ichailowna ''' all wo.an7s talk' &

>one had written, & would $elie)e the .atter to $e serious enough ''' $ut ;ar5a ;ichailowna don7t

 -a" an" attention to it' There isn7t the slightest excuse or excite.ent'

@nwittingl" Ssen5a had touched her sorest s-ot' 3h" had not >one written to her6 & he had called

her to her -ost e)en Ssen5a would ha)e seen how indis-ensi$le she was' &n that case she would ha)e

let at once, without another thought'

Ssen5a should ha)e realied how >one7s ailure to recall her had -ained her' ;ust he underscore it6

4e ne)er tried to understand what was going on in her .ind, ne)er took the trou$le to consider what

wounds his careless words inlicted'

3hen Ssen5a let her or his roo. she was distant and cool, $ut he -aid no attention to it' Alone,

de5ection and ear laid hold o her once .ore, ear o her own unwe-t, uns-oken suering'

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She would s-eak and i Ssen5a still ailed to understand the $reak $etween the. would ine)ita$l"

ollow' An"thing was $etter than this hunger or understanding' She would $eat her wings against his

indierence no longer'

inn' >inn' >inn'

>inn'

4al -ast our' 3ould this awul night ne)er end6

She clung des-eratel" to a single, orlorn ho-e'''the .orning would $ring a contrite Ssen5a, who would

ex-lain in his usual ridiculousl" childish .anner that he had thoughtlessl" -er.itted the -roessor todetain hi. until it had $een too late to return to the hotel'

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4ow could & tele-hone, he would argue' The -roessor would ha)e guessed at once' '''

4e would look at her uncertainl", ex-ecting the curtain lecture that usuall" acco.-anied such

occurrences at ho.e, and would $reathe a sigh o relie when Natascha s.iled instead, s.oothing his

recalcitrant hair and kissing his trou$led $row' >on7t a-ologie, Ssen5a, she would sa", o course &

understand'

You are so good, so understanding'

8oth would $reathe easil" once .ore and she would $e a$le to laugh o)er her oolish ears o the

night'

&t7s all $ecause o ." sill" ner)es' & shall go to slee- at once, and will -ro$a$l" $e ast aslee- when he

co.es' & .ust lea)e the door unlocked'

She orced hersel to lie down and actuall" succeeded in alling to slee-, $ut in her trou$led drea.s

she continued to listen or hi.' A .o)e.ent in the corridor ound her sitting u- in $ed, listening witha .adl" $eating heart' No, that was in the next roo.' So.eone was scru$$ing the loor and two

cha.$er*.aids were con)ersing in undertones' The gra", .ist" shi..er o earl" .orning ca.e in

through the lowered shades' 3hat ti.e was it6 Shortl" ater eight o7clock'

 Natascha got u- and dressed with deli$erate slowness, listening to e)er" sound and once .ore o-ening

the door to look out on the corridor, gra" and .ore ho-eless still now that the light was out' 8etter not

to ha)e looked out at all, she chided hersel, to look out again a .o.ent later $ecause so.ething told

her that his a.iliar igure in its dear, sha$$", old hat with its wide $ri. was at this .o.ent turning

the corner o the corridor'

To think that she had dou$ted her lo)e or hi. This night had -ro)ed to her how .uch she lo)ed,

how .uch she needed hi.' She was -re-ared to re-ro)e hersel se)erel" or the re-roaches she had

hea-ed on hi. or his a$sence that night, or her ill*te.-ered resent.ent and e)er" trace o ill*eeling

she had entertained against hi.' & onl" he would co.e & onl" nothing had ha--ened to hi. Perha-s

he had $een to her roo. ater she had allen aslee- the sudden ho-e ro$$ed her o all caution with

strea.ing hair, o$li)ious to the co.$ in her hand, she ran along the corridor' 4otel guests who .et her

ste--ed aside in sur-rise, and the scru$*wo.an who was wi-ing u- the loor -ushed her -ail aside

gru.$ingl"' Natascha had stu.$led o)er it in her haste, slo--ing so.e o the water o)er the car-et'

&7. sorr"'

Ssen5a7s roo. was e.-t", the $ed untouched'

She sat down on his $ed and decided to wait or hi. there' She elt closer to hi. in his roo. his

 -ossessions were there an old -air o trousers hung o)er the hack o a chair' Su--ose An5uta had

arri)ed in 4' and -oor Ssen5a had lost his head at the dread thought that the" .ight .eet6 4ow could

she reassure hi.6 !et hi. know that he .ight $ring An5uta to the hotel without ear6

Should she tele-hone to the -roessor7s house6 Perha-s An5uta was there'

The thought that An5uta .ight ha)e arri)ed dro)e her -reci-itousl" ro. the $ed to exa.ine the roo.

with keen, searching e"es or tell*tale e)idence o her own -resence' 8ooks6 Personal $elongings6#inding nothing she returned to her roo.'

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Ten o7clock'''hal -ast ten'''ele)en hal -ast ele)en ''' one o7clock' Natascha no longer listened or his

oot*ste-s' She assured hersel that she had long*ago ceased to ex-ect hi. at all, that e)er" ho-e o

e)er seeing Ssen5a again had died' Perha-s he was dead ''' that alone would ex-lain his ailure to ind

so.e wa" o alla"ing the ear he .ust know was dri)ing her .ad' Perha-s he had $een arrested' 8ut

wh"6 4ere6 Still, this co.-lete silence''' so.ething terri$le, so.ething inco.-rehensi$l" awul .ust

ha)e ha--ened'

 Natascha closed her e"es' The light o da" $linded and tor.ented her' Throughout the endlessl" long

night she had longed or da"light ''' $ecause she had ho-ed' ''' And then, 5ust as she had decided to

look or hi. no longer, so.eone knocked loudl" at the door'

0o.e in'

A .essenger oered her a letter' 4er tre.$ling hands could hardl" o-en the en)elo-e'

& ha)e $een through an unex-ected and disagreea$le ex-erience' At dinner, "esterda", & was seied

with such )iolent a$do.inal -ains that ." host -ut .e to $ed at once and sent or a -h"sician' ;"te.-erature was so high that he at irst eared an attack o a--endicitis' 4e ga)e .e two .or-hine

in5ections to alla" the -ain which was indescri$a$l" se)ere' To*da", howe)er, & a. eeling .uch .ore

co.orta$le, and the doctor who was 5ust here assures .e that e)er"thing is satisactor" and ho-es

there will $e no need o an o-eration' ;" te.-erature is lower, $ut still a$o)e nor.al & still suer

 -ain, $ut it is $eara$le' A$o)e all & .ust ha)e rest, a$solute rest ''' don7t worr" a$out .e'

You can7t concei)e o kindlier care than that which & a. recei)ing here' The -roessor and his a.il"

took turns at ." $ed*side all through the night' As a -retext or writing to "ou & a. sending or so.e

 $ooks' & told the. o a /ussian a.il" & had .et at the hotel who would get the. ro. ." roo. or

.e' Please re.e.$er, under no circu.stances are "ou to write or to tele-hone' & kiss "our hands'

Your Ssen5a'

Poor Ssen5a' An" answer6 The .essenger was still waiting or her to inish reading the letter'

Yes ''' that is ''' wait a .o.ent' &7ll get the $ooks at once' She hurried to Ssen5a7s roo. as i to get

so.ething there, still tr"ing to ad5ust hersel to this new state o aairs' 0ould she write hi. a single

line telling hi. o her anxiet" and o her lo)e, o her $oundless, endless lo)e or hi.6 0ould she not

reassure hi., tell hi. not to worr" a$out her, that she was satisied to know that he was ali)e, that he

was there, that he was ree'

She would ha)e liked to sli- a little note into the -ackage, $ut dared not' So.eone .ight see, and

Ssen5a would ha)e to ex-lain' 4e was so awkward at inding ex-lanations, -oor ellow'

She ga)e the $ooks to the .essenger and was alone in her roo. once .ore' 4er luncheon coee stood

on the ta$le $eore her, as cold and tasteless as the de5ected .ood that had o)ertaken her'

Three long, e.-t" da"s and restless nights with antastic, ener)ating drea.s' ;ore than once she

woke with a shocked eeling o disaster' Ssen5a 3hat is ha--ening to hi.6

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Se)eral ti.es each da" she in=uired whether a .essage a telegra., -erha-s, or a tele-hone*call, had

 $een let or her' No, nothing 3as the gentle.an kee-ing the roo.6

id an"thing .atter6 Ssen5a7s illness had undou$tedl" takena turn or the worse ater all, or i he were conscious he would ha)e ound so.e .eans o

co..unicating with her'

Ti.e dragged ''' .inutes see.ed hours''''

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4er e"es -leaded' 4urr" 4urr" 8ut the waiter continued to .o)e with exas-erating indolence' 4is

na-kin had $eco.e entangled in the door*kno$, and he sto--ed ussil" to disengage it'

The gentle.an thanks his 7/ussian riends7 or their kind in=uir" Da aintl" derisi)e s.ile curled the

li-s under the .oustacheE and $egs .e to re-ort that he is eeling a great deal $etter' 4e has $een out

o $ed and a$out his roo., and is 5ust -re-aring to retire'

 Natascha neither .o)ed nor s-oke'

&s that all, ;ada.e6 Nothing else6

She was alone'

She had $elie)ed that she would so$ with ra-ture i the waiter7s answer $rought her a single tin" ra" o

ho-e or Ssen5a7s lie' ee- down in the $otto. o her soul

the con)iction that she had $een grossl" wronged -ersisted, $ut she -aid no attention' Ssen5a was ali)eand out o danger' &n a ew da"s she would see hi. again' Then, "es, then she would s-eak to hi.'

She would ex-lain to hi. that lo)e, thus casuall" treated, .ust die, that not e)en a lo)e as great as

theirs could -ersist and li)e in such an at.os-here o constant tension' The string that is drawn too

tightl" is $ound to $reak'

She en5o"ed her coee that .orning the irst ti.e since Ssen5a7s a$sence and e)en s.iled at the

cha.$er.aid who told her how lo)el" the weather was outside'

Then she turned her attention to her -art" letters incredi$le that she should ha)e neglected her

co.rades so long'

She wrote a nu.$er o re-lies and -re-ared the. or .ailing, and as she sealed the last en)elo-e so.e

i.-ulse -ro.-ted her to .ake another atte.-t at the ill*ated -a.-hlet at which she had worked when

irst she ca.e here, with so little success' She was in the .ood or work' ?asil" and without constraint

the words that had eluded her so -ro)okingl" ca.e to her now thought ollowed thought in grati"ing,

logical se=uence' Natascha -aid no attention to the -assage o ti.e until twilight darkened the roo.'

Then she leaned $ack in her chair and stretched her ar.s with a eeling o intense satisaction' Peace

and clearness o .ind had co.e $ack to her and she was o)er5o"ed to think that she was to inish the

 -a.-hlet ater all' &t was good to ha)e one7s .ind ree or work, not to $e sitting orlornl" waiting or

a .essage that did not co.e, a -risoner o a$surd worries o)er Ssen5a7s condition' 4e was out o

danger and so well taken care o at the -roessor7s house that he orgot e)en to think o Natascha a

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realiation that was not without its sting o $itterness' 8ut she dro)e such ru.inations resolutel" ro.

her .ind'

!ie and action were what she wanted now' She wanted to see -eo-le again' This her.it7s lie that she

had $een leading was senseless and a$surd' She decided to go to the -ost*oice to .ail her letters and

then to ha)e a cu- o coee in one o the $rightl" lighted caes near$"'

She was -utting on her hat $eore the .irror when the door o-ened and Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch

ste--ed into the roo.'

Ssen5a, "ou6 she exclai.ed' There was .ore astonish.ent than 5o" in her )oice'

Yes, here & a., Natascha, a$solutel" worn out, as "ou see, ater ." illness' The doctor ad)ised .e to

wait until to*.orrow, $ut & decided to co.e tonight' & could not wait an" longer'

0o.e, lie down here at once, Ssen5etschka'

o "ou want .e to take o "our shoes6 ''' 4ere, let .e -ut this co)er o)er

"ou'''' 3ill "ou ha)e so.e tea6 !e.on, or would "ou -reer it with crea.6 &7ll ring and order it at

once while & get e)er"thing read"' 8" dint o solicitous ussing Natascha unconsciousl" tried to hide

ro. hersel the astounding act that she was neither ha--" nor excited o)er his return'

3here was the ardent i.-atience with which she had waited or hi.6 3here the renied ha--iness

she had ex-ected to eel when he arri)ed6 Ssen5a had co.e at the wrong .o.ent, scattering the .ood

o care*ree a$andon that had co.e as a release ro. a -eriod o intolera$le ner)ous tension'

&7. -erectl" co.orta$le, Natascha' 0o.e, sit here, $eside .e' &t7s so good to $e 3ith "ou again'''

You had "our hat on when & ca.e' 3ere "ou going out6 >o "ou go walking when &7. awa"6 &s that

how "ou -reser)e "our incognito6

& assure "ou this would ha)e $een the irst ti.e' & ha)en7t once -ut ." nose outside the door, all the

ti.e "ou were awa"' 8ut these letters see or "oursel how .an" there are had to $e .ailed'

Ne)ertheless it was oolhard", 5ust now su--ose An5uta should take it into her head to co.e6 ''' That

re.inds .e ''' & asked "ou not to tele-hone to the -roessor7s house'''' & .ust sa" "ou -a" sur-risingl"

little attention to ." re=uests' & was araid o so.ething like this all the while & was ill' Ater "ou

called u- "esterda" & hadn7t another .o.ent7s -eace until & had decided to co.e here at an" cost'

3ho knows "ou .ight ha)e -resented "oursel there in -erson i & had not returned' '' '

Ah, then it was this that $rought "ou $ack to .e6

The $rittle edge in her )oice .ade Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch throw a =uick, searching glance in her

direction'

No, Natascha, not that alone' & told "ou how & longed to $e with "ou' '' '

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&ndeed' 4a*ha*ha'

Ssen5a had ne)er heard Natascha like this $eore'

So "ou longed to $e with .e6 You, "ou sa" this, ater letting .e wait da" ater da" or a word ro.

"ou, ater "ou tortured and .art"red .e with a cruelt" so reined, so uns-eaka$le' '' '

Natascha 3hat are "ou sa"ing6 3as it ." ault that & $eca.e ill6 4ow ha)e & .art"red "ou6 &n what

wa"6 You .a" $e sure nothing was urther ro. ." intentions' 3h", Natascha, "ou s-eak 5ust like

An5uta ''' -erha-s she is right, ater all, when she sa"s that & torture those & lo)e An5uta ''' "ou ''' oh,

this is rightul'

4e $uried his head in his hands' 4is cru.-led igure ex-ressed ho-eless resignation to an undeser)ed

ate' Natascha relented at once'

Ssen5a, Ssen5etschka, ." dear riend' You were right' & don7t know what & a. sa"ing, & don7t know

what is the .atter with .e' Tr" to understand what & suered while "ou were awa", how & eared or"our lie, not knowing ''' Ssen5a, the thoughts & thought, the ears & li)ed through $ecause & lo)e "ou,

do "ou hear, Si.eon

#or $oth o the. this na.e had an es-ecial signiicance, and he s.iled at her as she kneeled $" his

side and caressed his head'

!et .e kiss "our orehead ''' how oten & drea.ed o this 4ow oten & thought o the ti.e when &

would kiss the $row o ." $elo)ed again

;ad creature, "ou rightened .e with "our awul laughter' & know, -oor thing, "our ner)es ha)e had.ore than enough to $ear' !ie is $eautiul, Natascha' >on7t co.e so close to .e, dear'

&t is so good to ha)e "ou with .e again 5ust to know that "ou still are ''' do "ou understand6

& understand, ." lo)e' 8ut & a. still weak ater ." illness and "our nearness excites .e' The doctor

sa"s that the attack was $rought a$out chiel" through ." generall" ner)ous condition and ordered

a$solute rest' You won7t $e angr", will "ou, i & ask "ou not to co.e so near to .e6

 Natascha arose and turned ro. hi. at once, lest he read the re-roach in her e"es' She wanted hu.an

war.th, hu.an tenderness what he reerred to had not entered her head'

3hile she -re-ared tea Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch la" on the couch s.oking a cigarette and told her o

the course his illness had taken, o the -roessor7s a.il" and their riendl" solicitude and o his

anxious ear that she .ight take it into her head to co.e to the -roessor7s ho.e' &t had $een al.ost

i.-ossi$le to get in touch with her'

& "ou had sent the tiniest note' You .ight ha)e sent or so.e $ooks again ''' surel" "ou .ight ha)e

thought o so.ething

You know how stu-id & a. at that sort o thing' So & si.-l" ca.e here as soon as & could drag ."sel

awa"'

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4e drank his tea while she read aloud the letters she had recei)ed so.e dis=uieting, others

encouraging' &n general the -art" see.ed to $e in a -ro.ising condition, with the -ossi$ilit" o

i.-ortant de)elo-.ents in the near uture' The" discussed these -ossi$ilities eagerl", taking into

account the -osition o the o--osing wing, and $oth agreed that the situation would -reci-itate new

conlicts $etween the., a -ro$a$ilit" that .ade Natascha $urn to get awa" at once, $ack to li)ing,

thrilling work'

Talking here with "ou .akes one orget e)er"thing else in the world, Ssen5a suddenl" interru-ted

her' &t is getting late and & -ro.ised the doctor to $e $ack $" hal*-ast se)en' 3h", it is eight o7clock

alread"' 4ow ti.e lies' & ho-e the -roessor does not take it into his head to co.e and call or .e' 4e

is so conscientiousl" worried a$out .e'

You are going $ack6 You won7t sta" here tonight6

The" wouldn7t hear o it' '''

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the understanding' You will go to 3' and & shall ollow on #rida"' Then we will s-end the whole da"

together, nothing to -art or to distur$ us, no -roessor' ''' >oesn7t that sound attracti)e6

8ut "ou orget that & .ust lea)e on Tuesda"' ;" lea)e'' '

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CuSt the sort o kiss a well*$eha)ed wie should gi)e her hus$and' #ar $e it ro. .e to tr" to seduce

"ou, she re-lied teasingl" and hurried to call the -orter who was to carr" his $aggage'

At the door Sse.5on Sse.5onowitsch e.$raced her once .ore and whis-ered anxiousl":

You aren7t angr", are "ou6 ;" sweet girl, "ou don7t know how .uch & need "ou' &t is all $ecause oAn5uta' '' '

At the turn o the corridor he looked $ack to wa)e a last arewell' She had the i.-ression that there

was so.ething he wanted to sa", to ex-lain to her' Natascha wa)ed her handkerchie li--antl"'

>on7t all in lo)e with the -roessor7s wie' 0o.e soon'

At that his ace lit u-, and, see.ingl" reassured, he walked around the corner with his old deter.ined

stride' Natascha returned to her roo. along the a.iliar, detesta$le car-et, her head $owed in dee-

thought'

XIII

3' 3AS a char.ing old town' &ts $eautiul churches, and the hushed, ancient streets te.-ted tourists

awa" ro. the $eaten -aths to sto- or a ew da"s in its gentle at.os-here' &t was not hard to ind a

clean, reasona$l" -riced inn where she was gi)en a delightul roo., si.-le and un-retentious in its

lines, and without the dust" accessories, car-ets and hangings that so oten disigure such -laces' &t

was $athed in sunlight ro. windows that looked out not as in 4' o)er roos and chi.ne"s or down

into a narrow court*"ard $ut across a hushed, wide*lung s=uare o )enera$le houses, e)er" one o

which had looked down on the -assing o .an" generations'

3hen Natascha got u- in the .orning, and raised the shades to s.ile out into the hot ra"s o the

s-ringti.e sun, she elt the urgent 5o" o existence racing through her )eins again' &t was long since

she had known that si.-le 5o" o li)ing that was wated in to her on the ragrant s-ring $reees that

 -la"ed a$out her ace with the s-ring*song o the $irds ro. the neigh$oring garden'

!ie This is lie' 3h" .ust & li)e through such tor.ent, when lie itsel is so lo)el"6 3h"6

She turned to her work at once and lost hersel in its -ages, writing steadil" and s.oothl", without

diicult" or hesitation' &t see.ed to her that she could continue to write like this ore)er' She -ro.ised

hersel, howe)er, a little later in the da", to stroll a$out the delightul old town with its so.nolent

houses and its towers and do.es whose architectural orna.entation looked to her like lace*workturned to stone' She re)eled in this li$ert" to co.e and go as she -leased once .ore, as a -u-il en5o"s

her )acation ro. the rigors o school lie' She s.iled as she wandered a$out the streets, s.iled as she

ordered her dinner in a .odest restaurant, s.iled at the hot sun that $urned her cheeks, and was still

s.iling when she tu.$led into $ed with that delicious eeling o -h"sical and .ental weariness that

co.es at the end o a da"7s -leasura$le occu-ation'

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&n the tin" -ark, where $irds were )ieing with one another in their cheerul twittering, hiding in the

rich, dark green o the e)ergreen that lent a colorul $ackground to the rose*red o al.ond and a-ricot

 $losso.s, Natascha o-ened her letters'

4er co.rades were urging her to return, or the -olitical situation was a--roaching a crisis that should

ind e)er"one at his -ost' The" were all at a loss or an ex-lanation o her -ersistent silence, and were $eco.ing so.ewhat anxious and -er-lexed'

She .ust go $ack, no .atter what Ssen5a7s letter had to sa"' She al.ost wished that he were not

co.ing'''' she would lea)e on the ollowing da"'

3ith this secret ho-e in the $ackground o her .ind she o-ened his letter last o all'

8ut it a--eared that Ssen5a had written i..ediatel" ater her de-arture, di.l" conscious o the

shadow that rested on their lo)e' The letter was unex-ectedl" tender'

The hurt in "our e"es when & saw "ou last still haunts .e' ''' & eel like a cri.inal' ''' You will ne)erknow what "our lo)e has $een to .e' The assurance o "our lo)e .eans .ore than & can tell, .ore

than .ere words can ex-ress' The sun would go out o ." lie i & should ha)e to li)e without "ou'

 Not so long ago, Natascha would ha)e choked o)er a letter like this' 3ith her hands -ressed o)er her

e"es she would ha)e easted hungril" on the -rotestations o lo)e it contained' Now she s.iled, a little

rueull", a little $itterl"' Too late' Too late'

A -ost*scri-t added that he was counting the hours till the" would .eet again'

She dro--ed the letter into her $ag $eside the others, her .ind wandering $ack to 3an5etschka oneo the letters had .entioned hi. in -assing as she did so' She thought o hi. sha.e*acedl",

conscious o the -ost*card she had neglected to send' The dear, good ellow' 3hat a co.rade he had

 $een in her hour o need

She went to a stationer" sho- at once, chose an attracti)e -ost*card and sent a light, acetious greeting,

 -ro.ising a s-eed" return and assuring hi. that she was ho.esick, terri$l" ho.esick or all o the.'

?)en or >one'

&t was true' She was longing to see the. all again, her co*workers and co.rades'

As she walked $ack to the inn the long corridor with its irritating red car-et and the .an*ser)ant whodoed at the ta$le ca.e $ack to her .ind' She saw hersel at Ssen5etschka7s door with hair l"ing''''a

.endicant''''

8etter not think o it'''' 4ow degrading it was

A telegra. had co.e during her a$sence' 0o.ing to*.orrow, 1:%L A' ;' ;eet .e at train'

;" hus$and will arri)e to*night, she told the clerk in -assing as she went to her roo., deter.ined to

use the last hours o uninterru-ted reedo. to inish her -a.-hlet'

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XIV

4A!# an hour $eore the s-eciied ti.e Natascha was at the station, onl" to ind that the $ulletin*

 $oard announced a dela" in the train7s arri)al' The -orter could gi)e no ex-lanation $ut a gentle.an

near$", o)erhearing her =uestions, lited his hat and )olunteered the re=uired inor.ation' The train

would $e ort"*i)e .inutes late' A cloud*$urst had washed out the road*$ed urther u- the line' No,no one had $een hurt' 4e was waiting or his .other who was to arri)e on the sa.e train'

 Natascha regarded hi. a little .ore closel"' 4e was tall with a gra" .oustache and $lack, li)el" e"es'

Altogether he a--ealed to her at once'

4e continued to s-eak' 4is .other was co.ing to )isit hi., ater an a$sence o al.ost two .onths'

That was a )er" long ti.e' 4e wished his .other could li)e with hi. -er.anentl"'

A .other7s lo)e is the onl" lo)e that is unselish, the onl" lo)e & can res-ect'

4e s-oke with the rank lack o reticence that characteried the -eo-le o his southerl" region'

3ould it $e $old to ask or who. "ou are waiting6 he continued'

A riend6 Your hus$and6

;" hus$and' &t had sli--ed -ast her li-s, in s-ite o hersel and she elt hersel reddening with

e.$arrass.ent'

4ow long ha)e "ou $een .arried6

3ell, now,