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A DOLLARa play in one-actby David Pinski

The following one-act play is reprinted from Ten Plays. Trans. Isaac Goldberg. New York: B.W. Heubsch, 1920. It is now believed to be in the public domain and may therefore be performed without royalties.

CHARACTERS

THE COMEDIANTHE VILLAINTHE TRAGEDIANTHE OLD MANTHE HEROINETHE INGENUETHE OLD WOMANTHE STRANGER

[A cross-roads at the edge of a forest. One road extends from left to right; the other crosses the first diagonally, disappearing into the forest. The roadside is bordered with grass. On the right, at the crossing, stands a signpost, to which are nailed two boards giving directions and distances.]

[The afternoon of a summer day. A troupe of stranded strolling players enters from the left. They are ragged and weary. THE COMEDIAN walks first, holding a valise in each hand, followed by the VILLAIN carrying over his arms two huge bundles wrapped in bed sheets. Immediately behind these the TRAGEDIAN and the actor who plays the OLD MAN are carrying together a large heavy trunk.]

COMEDIAN: (stepping toward the signpost, reading the directions on the boards, and explaining to the approaching fellow actors) That way (pointing to right and swinging the valise--to indicate the direction) is thirty miles. This way (pointing to left) is forty-five -- and that way is thirty-six. Now choose for yourself the town that you'll never reach today. The nearest way for us is back to where we came from, whence we were escorted with the most splendid catcalls that ever crowned our histrionic successes.

VILLAIN: (exhausted) Who will lend me a hand to wipe off my perspiration? It has a nasty way of streaming into my mouth.

COMEDIAN: Stand on your head, then, and let your perspiration water a more fruitful soil.

VILLAIN: Oh![He drops his arms, the bundles fall down. He then sinks down onto one of them and wipes off the perspiration, moving his hand wearily over his face. The TRAGEDIAN and the OLD MAN approach the post and read the signs.]

TRAGEDIAN: (in a dramatic voice) It's hopeless! It's hopeless![He lets go his end of the trunk.]

OLD MAN: (lets go his end of the trunk) Mmmm. Another stop.

[TRAGEDIAN sits himself down on the trunk in a tragico-heroic pose, knees wide apart, right elbow on right knee, left hand on left leg, head slightly bent toward the right. COMEDIAN puts down the

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valises and rolls a cigarette. The OLD MAN also sits down upon the trunk, head sunk upon his breast.]

VILLAIN: Thirty miles to the nearest town! Thirty miles!

COMEDIAN: It's an outrage how far people move their towns away from us.

VILLAIN: We won't strike a town until the day after tomorrow.

COMEDIAN: Hurrah! That's luck for you! There's yet a day-after-tomorrow for us.

VILLAIN: And the old women are still far behind us. Crawling!

OLD MAN: They want the vote and they can't even walk.

COMEDIAN: We won't give them votes, that's settled. Down with votes for women!

VILLAIN: It seems the Devil himself can't take you! Neither your tongue nor your feet ever get tired. You get on my nerves. Sit down and shut up for a moment.

COMEDIAN: Me? Ha--ha! I'm going back there to the lady of my heart. I'll meet her and fetch her hither in my arms.[He spits on his hands, turns up his sleeves, and strides rapidly off towards the left.]

VILLAIN: Clown!

OLD MAN: How can he laugh and play his pranks even now? We haven't a cent to our souls, our supply of food is running low and our shoes are dilapidated.

TRAGEDIAN: (with an outburst) Stop it! No reckoning! The number of our sins is great and the tale of our misfortunes is even greater. Holy Father! Our flasks are empty; I'd give what is left of our solesl (displaying his ragged shoes) for just a smell of whiskey.[From the left is heard the laughter of a woman. Enter the COMEDIAN carrying in his arms the HEROINE, who has her hands around his neck and holds a satchel in both hands behind his back.]

COMEDIAN: (letting his burden down upon the grass) Sit down, my love, and rest up. We go no further today. Your feet, your tender little feet must ache you. How unhappy that makes me! At the first opportunity I shall buy you an automobile.

HEROINE: And in the meantime you may carry me oftener.

COMEDIAN: The beast of burden hears and obeys.[Enter the INGENUE and the actress who plays the OLD WOMAN each carrying a small satchel.]

INGENUE: (weary and pouting) Ah! No one carried me.[She sits on the grass to the right of the HEROINE.]

VILLAIN: We have only one ass with us.[The COMEDIAN stretches himself out at the feet of the HEROINE and emits the bray of a donkey. The OLD WOMAN sits down on the grass to the left of the HEROINE.]

OLD WOMAN: And are we to pass the night here?

OLD MAN: No, we shall stop at "Hotel Neverwas."

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COMEDIAN: Don't you like our night's lodgings? (Turning over toward the OLD WOMAN) See, the bed is broad and wide, and certainly without vermin. Just feel the high grass. Such a soft bed you never slept in. And you shall have a cover embroidered with the moon and stars, a cover such as no royal bride ever possessed.

OLD WOMAN: You're laughing, and I feel like crying.

COMEDIAN: Crying? You should be ashamed of the sun which favors you with its setting splendor. Look, and be inspired!

VILLAN: Yes, look and expire.

COMEDIAN: Look, and shout with ecstasy!

OLD MAN: Look, and burst![The INGENUE starts sobbing. The TRAGEDIAN laughs heavily.]

COMEDIAN: (turning over to the INGENUE) What. You are crying? Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

INGENUE: I'm sad.

OLD WOMAN: (sniffling) I can't stand it any longer.

HEROINE: Stop it! Or I'll start bawling, too.[COMEDIAN springs to his knees and looks quickly from one woman to the other.]

VILLAIN: Ha--ha! Cheer them up, Clown!

COMEDIAN: (jumps up abruptly without the aid of his hands) Ladies and Gentlemen, I have it! (in a measured singing voice) Ladies and Gentlemen, I have it!

HEROINE: What have you?

COMEDIAN: Cheerfulness.

VILLAIN: Go bury yourself, Clown.

TRAGEDIAN: (as before) Ho-ho-ho.

OLD MAN: P-o-o-h![The women weep all the louder.]

COMEDIAN: I have----a bottle of whiskey![General commotion. The women stop crying and look up to the COMEDIAN in amazement; the TRAGEDIAN straightens himself out and casts a surprised look at the COMEDIAN; the OLD MAN, rubbing his hands, jumps to his feet; the VILLAIN looks suspiciously at the COMEDIAN.]

TRAGEDIAN: A bottle of whiskey?

OLD MAN: He--He--He--A bottle of whiskey.

VILLAIN: Hum--whiskey.

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COMEDIAN: You bet! A bottle of whiskey, hidden and preserved for such moments as this, a moment of masculine depression and feminine tears. (Taking the flask from his hip pocket. The expression on the faces of all changes from hope to disappointment.)

VILLAIN: You call that a bottle. I call it a flask.

TRAGEDIAN: (explosively) A thimble!

OLD MAN: A dropper!

OLD WOMAN: For seven of us! Oh!

COMEDIAN: (letting the flask sparkle in the sun) But it's whiskey, my children. (opening the flask and smelling it) U-u-u-m! That's whiskey for you. The saloonkeeper from whom I hooked it will become a teetotaler from sheer despair.[TRAGEDIAN rises heavily and slowly proceeds towards the flask. The VILLAIN, still skeptical, rises as if unwilling. The OLD MAN chuckles and rubs his hands. The OLD WOMAN gets up indifferently and moves apathetically toward the flask. The HEROINE and INGENUE hold each other by the hand and take ballet steps in waltz time. All approach the COMEDIAN with necks eagerly stretched out and smell the flask, which the COMEDIAN holds firmly in both hands.]

TRAGEDIAN: Ho-ho-ho--Fine!

OLD MAN: He--He--Small quantity, but excellent quality!

VILLAIN: Seems to be good whiskey.

HEROINE: (dancing and singing) My Comedian, My Comedian. His head is in the right place. But why didn't you nab a larger bottle?

COMEDIAN: Oh Beloved One, I had to take in consideration both the quality of the whiskey and the size of my pocket.

OLD WOMAN: If only there's enough of it to go round.

INGENUE: Oh, I'm feeling sad again.

COMEDIAN: Cheer up, there will be enough for us all. Cheer up. Here, smell it again.[They smell again and cheerfulness reappears. They join hands and dance and sing, forming a circle, the COMEDIAN applauding.]

COMEDIAN: Good! If you are so cheered after a mere smell of it, what won't you feel like after a drink. Wait, I'll join you. (He hides the whiskey flask in his pocket.) I'll show you a new roundel which we will perform in our next presentation of Hamlet, to the great edification of our esteemed audience. (Kicking the VILLAIN'S bundles out of the way.) The place is clear, now for dance and play. Join hands and form a circle, but you, Villain, stay on the outside of it. You are to try to get in and we dance and are not to let you in, without getting out of step. Understand? Now then!

[The circle is formed in the following order, COMEDIAN, HEROINE, TRAGEDIAN, OLD WOMAN, OLD MAN, INGENUE.]

COMEDIAN: (singing) To be or not to be, that is the question,That is the question, that is the question.He who would enter in,

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Climb he must over us,If over he cannot,He must get under us.

ALL: Tra-la-la, tra-la-la,Over us, under us.Tra-la-la, tra-la-la,Under us, over us.Now we are jolly, jolly are we.

COMEDIAN: To be or not to be, that is the question,That is the question, that is the question.In life to win success,Elbow your way through,Jostle the next one,Else you will be jostled.

ALL: Tra-la-la, tra-la-la,Over us, under us.Tra-la-la, tra-la-la,Under us, over us.Now we are jolly, jolly are we.[On the last word of the refrain they stop as if dumbfounded, and stand transfixed, with eyes directed on one spot inside of the ring. The VILLAIN leans over the arms of the COMEDIAN and the HEROINE; gradually the circle draws closer till their heads almost touch. They attempt to free their hands but each holds on to the other and all seven whisper in great astonishment.]

ALL: A dollar!

[The circle opens up again, they look each at the other and shout in wonder.]

ALL: A dollar!

[Once more they close in and the struggle to free their hands grows wilder; the VILLAIN tries to climb over and then under the hands into the circle and stretches out his hand toward the dollar, but instinctively he is stopped by the couple he tries to pass between, even when he is not seen but only felt. Again all lean their heads over the dollar, quite lost in the contemplation of it, and whispering, enraptured.]

All: A dollar!

[Separating once again they look at each other with exultation and at the same time try to free their hands, once more exclaiming in ecstasy.]

ALL: A dollar!

[Then the struggle to get free grows wilder and wilder. The hand that is perchance freed is quickly grasped again by the one who held it.]

INGENUE: (in pain) Oh, my hands, my hands! You'll break them. Let go of my hands!

OLD WOMAN: If you don't let go of my hands I'll bite. (Attempting to bite the hands of the TRAGEDIAN and the OLD MAN, while they try to prevent it.)

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OLD MAN: (trying to free his hands from the hold of the HEROINE and the OLD WOMAN) Let go of me. (Pulling at both his hands) These women's hands that--seem so frail, just look at them now.

HEROINE: (To COMEDIAN) But you let go my hands.

COMEDIAN: I think it's you who are holding fast to mine.

HEROINE: Why should I be holding you? If you pick up the dollar, what is yours is mine, you know.

COMEDIAN: Then let go of my hand and I'll pick it up.

HEROINE: No, I'd rather pick it up myself.

COMEDIAN: I expected something like that from you.

HEROINE: (angrily) Let go of my hands, that's all.

COMEDIAN: Ha-Ha-Ha--It's a huge joke. (In a tone of command.) Be quiet. (They become still.) We must contemplate the dollar with religious reverence. (Commotion.) Keep quiet, I say! --A dollar is spread out before us. A real dollar in the midst of our circle, and everything within us draws us towards it, draws us on irresistibly. Be quiet! Remember you are before the Ruler, before the Almighty. On your knees before Him and pray. On your knees. (Sinks down on his knees and drags with him the HEROINE and INGENUE.)

OLD MAN: (Dropping on his knees and dragging the OLD WOMAN with him.) He-He-He.

TRAGEDIAN: Ho-Ho-Ho, Clown!

COMEDIAN: (to TRAGEDIAN) You are not worthy of the serious mask you wear. You don't appreciate true Divine Majesty. On your knees, or you'll get no whiskey. (TRAGEDIAN sinks heavily on his knees.) Oh holy dollar, oh almighty ruler of the universe, before thee we kneel in the dust and send toward thee our most tearful and heartfelt prayers. Our hands are bound, but our hearts strive toward thee and our souls yearn for thee. Oh great king of kings, thou who bringest together those who are separated, and separatest those who are near, thou who--

[The VILLAIN, who is standing aside, takes a full jump, clears the INGENUE and grasps the dollar. All let go of one another and fall upon him, shouting, screaming, pushing and fighting. Finally the VILLAIN manages to free himself, holding the dollar in his right fist. The others follow him with clenched fists, glaring eyes and foaming mouths, wildly shouting.]

ALL: The dollar! The dollar! The dollar! Return the dollar!

VILLAIN: (retreating) You can't take it away from me, it's mine. It was lying under my bundle.

ALL: Give up the dollar! Give up the dollar!

VILLAIN: (in great rage) No, no. (A moment during which the opposing sides look at each other in hatred. Quietly but with malice.) Moreover, whom should I give it to? To you--you--you--you?

COMEDIAN: Ha-ha-ha-ha. He is right, the dollar is his. He has it, therefore it is his. Ha-ha-ha-ha, and I wanted to crawl on my knees toward the dollar and pick it up with my teeth. Ha-ha-ha-ha, but he got ahead of me, Ha-ha-ha-ha.

HEROINE: (whispering in rage) That's because you would not let go of me.

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COMEDIAN: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

TRAGEDIAN: (shaking his fist in the face of the VILLAIN) Heaven and hell, I feel like crushing you!

[He steps aside toward the trunk and sits down in his former pose. INGENUE, lying down on the grass, starts to cry.]

COMEDIAN: Ha-ha-ha. Now we will drink, and the first drink is the Villain's.

[His proposition is accepted in gloom; the INGENUE, however, stops crying; the OLD MAN and the OLD WOMAN have been standing by the VILLAIN looking at the dollar in his hand as if waiting for the proper moment to snatch it from him. Finally the OLD WOMAN makes a contemptuous gesture and both turn aside from the VILLAIN. The latter, left in peace, smooths out the dollar, with a serious expression on his face. The COMEDIAN hands him a small glass of whiskey.]

COMEDIAN: Drink, lucky one.

[The VILLAIN, shutting the dollar in his fist, takes the whiskey glass gravely and quickly drinks the contents, returning the glass. He then starts to smooth and caress the dollar again. The COMEDIAN, still laughing, passes the whiskey glass from one to the other of the company, who drink sullenly. The whiskey fails to cheer them. After drinking, the INGENUE begins to sob again. The HEROINE who is served last throws the empty whiskey glass towards the COMEDIAN.]

COMEDIAN: Good shot. Now I'll drink up all that's left in the bottle.

[He puts the flask to his lips and drinks. The HEROINE tries to knock it away from him but he skilfully evades her. The VILLAIN continues to smooth and caress the dollar.]

VILLAIN: HA-ha-ha ... (Singing and dancing)

He who would enter in,Jum_ he must over us.Ho-ho-ho. Oh Holy dollar! Oh almighty Ruler of the World!... Oh King of Kings! Ha-ha-ha.... Don't you all think if I have the dollar and you have it not that I partake a bit of its majesty? That means that I am now a part of its majesty. That means that I am the Almighty dollar's plenipotentiary and therefore I am the Almighty Ruler himself. On your knees before me!... He-he-he....

COMEDIAN: (after throwing away the empty flask lies down on the grass) Well roared, lion, but you forgot to hide your jackass's ears.

VILLAIN: It is one's consciousness of power. He-he-he. I know and you know that if I have the money, I have the say. Remember, none of you has a cent to his name. The whiskey is gone. (Picking up the flask and examining it.)

COMEDIAN: I did my job well, Drank it to the last drop.

VILLAIN: Yes, to the last drop. This evening you shall have bread and sausage. Very small portions too, for tomorrow is another day. (INGENUE sobbing mor frequently.) Not till the day after tomorrow shall we reach town and that doesn't mean that you get anything to eat there either, but I--I--I--he-he-he. Oh holy dollar, almighty dollar. (Gravely) He who does my bidding shall not be without food.

COMEDIAN: (with wide open eyes) What? Ha-ha-ha.

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[INGENUE gets up and throws herself on the VILLAIN'S bosom.]

INGENUE: Oh my dear beloved one.

VILLAIN: Ha-ha, my power already makes itself felt.

HEROINE: (pushing the INGENUE away) Let go of him, you. He sought my love for a long time and now he shall have it.

COMEDIAN: What? You!

HEROINE: (To COMEDIAN) I hate you, traitor. (To the VILLAIN) I have always loved--genius. You are now the wisest of the wise. I adore you.

VILLAIN: (holding INGENUE in one arm) Come into my other arm. (HEROINE throwing herself into his arms, kissing and embracing him.)

COMEDIAN: (half rising on his knees) Stop, I protest. (Throwing himself on the grass.) "O frailty, thy name is woman."

OLD WOMAN: (approaching the VILLAIN from behind and embracing him) Find a little spot on your bosom for me. I play the "Old Woman," but you know I'm not really old.

VILLAIN: Now I have all of power and all of love.

COMEDIAN: Don't call it love. Call it servility.

VILLAIN: (freeing himself from the women) But now I have something more important to carry out. My vassals--I mean you all--I have decided we will not stay here over night. We will proceed further.

WOMEN: How so?

VILLAIN: We go forward tonight.

COMEDIAN: You have so decided?

VILLAIN: I have so decided, and that in itself should be enough for you; but due to an old habit I shall explain to you why I have so decided.

COMEDIAN: Keep your explanation to yourself and better not disturb my contemplation of the sunset.

VILLAIN: I'll put you down on the blacklist. It will go ill with you for your speeches against me. Now then, without an explanation, we will go--and at once. (Nobody stirs.) Very well then, I go alone.

WOMEN: No, no.

VILLAIN: What do you mean?

INGENUE: I go with you.

HEROINE: And I.

OLD WOMAN: And I.

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VILLAIN: Your loyalty gratifies me very much.

OLD MAN: (who is sitting apathetically upon the trunk) What the deuce is urging you to go?

VILLAIN: I wanted to explain it to you, but now no more. I owe you no explanations. I have decided--I wish to go, and that is sufficient.

COMEDIAN: He plays his comedy wonderfully. Would you ever have suspected that there was so much wit in his cabbage head?

WOMEN: (making love to the VILLAIN) Oh you darling.

TRAGEDIAN: (majestically) I wouldn't give him even a single glance.

VILLAIN: Still another on the blacklist. I'll tell you this much--I have decided--

COMEDIAN: Ha-ha-ha. How long will you keep this up?

VILLAIN: We start at once, but if I am to pay for your food I will not carry any baggage. You shall divide my bundles among you and of course those who are on the blacklist will get the heaviest share. You heard me. Now move on. I'm going now. We will proceed to the nearest town which is thirty miles away. Now then, I am off.

COMEDIAN: Bon voyage.

VILLAIN: And with me fares His Majesty the Dollar and your meals for tomorrow.

WOMEN: We are coming, we are coming.

OLD MAN: I'll go along.

TRAGEDIAN: (to the VILLAIN) You're a scoundrel and a mean fellow.

VILLAIN: I am no fellow of yours. I am master and breadgiver.

TRAGEDIAN: I'll crush you in a moment.

VILLAIN: What? You threaten me! Let's go.

[He turns to right. The women take their satchels and follow him.]

OLD MAN: (to the TRAGEDIAN) Get up and take the trunk. We will settle the score with him some other time. It is he who has the dollar now.

TRAGEDIAN: (rising and shaking his fist) I'll get him yet. (He takes his side of the trunk.)

VILLAIN: (to TRAGEDIAN) First put one of my bundles on your back.

TRAGEDIAN: (in rage) One of your bundles on my back?

VILLAIN: Oh, for all I care you can put it on your head, or between your teeth.

OLD MAN: We will put the bundle on the trunk.

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COMEDIAN: (sitting up) Look here, are you joking or are you in earnest?

VILLAIN: (contemptuously) I never joke.

COMEDIAN: Then you are in earnest?

VILLAIN: I'll make no explanations.

COMEDIAN: Do you really think that because you have the dollar--

VILLAIN: The holy dollar, the almighty dollar, the king of kings.

COMEDIAN: (continuing) That therefore you are the master--

VILLAIN: Bread-giver and provider.

COMEDIAN: And that we must--

VILLAIN: Do what I bid you to.

COMEDIAN: So you are in earnest?

VILLAIN: You just get up, take the baggage and follow me.

COMEDIAN: (rising) Then, I declare a revolution.

VILLAIN: What? A revolution!

COMEDIAN: A bloody one, if need be.

TRAGEDIAN: (dropping his end of the trunk and advancing with a bellicose attitude toward the VILLAIN) And I shall be the first to let your blood, you scoundrel.

VILLAIN: If that's the case I have nothing to say to you. Those who wish, come along.

COMEDIAN: (getting in his way) No, you shall not go until you give up the dollar.

VILLAIN: Ha-ha. It is to laugh!

COMEDIAN: The dollar please, or--

VILLAIN: He-he-he.

COMEDIAN: Then let there be blood. (Turns up his sleeves.)

TRAGEDIAN: (taking off his coat) Ah! Blood, blood!

OLD MAN: (dropping his end of the trunk) I'm not going to keep out of a fight.

WOMEN: (dropping their satchels) Nor we. Nor we.

VILLAIN: (shouting) To whom shall I give up the dollar? You--you--you--you?

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COMEDIAN: This argument will not work any more. You are to give the dollar up to all of us. At the first opportunity we'll get change and divide it into equal parts.

WOMEN: Hurrah, Hurrah! Divide it, Divide it.

COMEDIAN: (to VILLAIN) And I will even be so good as to give you a share.

TRAGEDIAN: I'd rather give him a sound thrashing.

COMEDIAN: It shall be as I say. Give up the dollar.

HEROINE: (throwing herself on the COMEDIAN'S breast) My comedian! My comedian!

INGENUE: (to the VILLAIN) I'm sick of you. Give up the dollar.

COMEDIAN: (pushing the HEROINE aside) You better step aside or else you may get the punch I aim at the master and breadgiver. (To the VILLAIN.) Come up with the dollar!

TRAGEDIAN: Give up the dollar to him, do you hear?

ALL: The dollar, the dollar!

VILLAIN: I'll tear it to pieces.

COMEDIAN: Then we shall tear out what little hair you have left on your head. The dollar, quick!

[They surround the VILLAIN; the women pull his hair; the TRAGEDIAN grabs him by the collar and shakes him; the OLD MAN strikes him on his bald pate; the COMEDIAN struggles with him and finally grasps the dollar.]

COMEDIAN: (holding up the dollar) I have it!

[The women dance and sing.]

VILLAIN: Bandits! Thieves!

TRAGEDIAN: Silence, or I'll shut your mouth. (Goes back to the trunk and assumes his heroic pose.)

COMEDIAN: (putting the dollar into his pocket) That what I call a successful and a bloodless revolution, except for a little fright and heart palpitation on the part of the late master and bread giver.-- Listen, someone is coming. Perhaps he'll be able to change the dollar and then we can divide it at once.

OLD MAN: I am puzzled how we can change it into equal parts. (Starts to calculate with the INGENUE and the OLD WOMAN.)

HEROINE: (tenderly attentive to the COMEDIAN) You are angry with me, but I was only playing with him so as to wheedle the dollar out of him.

COMEDIAN: And now you want to trick me out of my share of it.

OLD MAN: It is impossible to divide it into equal parts. It is absolutely impossible. If it were ninety-eight cents or one-hundred and five cents or--

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[The STRANGER enters from the Right, perceives the company, greets it and continues his way to left. COMEDIAN stops him.]

COMEDIAN: I beg your pardon, sir; perhaps you have change of a dollar in dimes, nickles, and pennies. (Showing the dollar. The OLD MAN and women step forward.)

STRANGER: (getting slightly nervous, starts somewhat, makes a quick movement for his pistol pocket, looks at the COMEDIAN and the others and says slowly) Change of a dollar? (Moving from the circle to left.) I believe I have.

WOMEN: Hurrah!

STRANGER: (turns so that no one is behind him and pulls his revolver) Hands up!

COMEDIAN: (in a gentle tone of voice) My dear sir, we are altogether peaceful folk.

[The STRANGER takes the dollar from the Comedian's hand and walks backwards to left with the pistol pointed at the group.]

STRANGER: Good night, everybody.

[He disappears, the actors remain dumb with fear, with their hands up, mouths wide-open and staring into space.]

COMEDIAN: (finally breaks out into thunderous laughter) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

CURTAIN

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HE SAID AND SHE SAIDa play in one-act

by Alice Gerstenberg

The following one-act play is reprinted from Ten One-Act Plays. Alice Gerstenberg. New York: Brentano's, 1922. It is now in the public domain and may therefore be performed without royalties.

CHARACTERS

DIANA CHESBROUGH, a society girlENID HALDEMAN, her friendFELIX Haldeman, her husbandMRS. CYRUS PACKARD, their friend

SETTING

Living-room at the Haldemans, before dinner.[Living-room at the Haldemans. Discovered Enid setting the room to rights. Enter in hat and coat and jingling a bunch of house keys Felix Haldeman. He kisses Enid affectionately as if it were a daily habit, and then tosses down the evening paper.]

FELIX: Hello, dear.

ENID: Felix, I asked Diana and Mrs. Packard over for dinner. You'd better hurry and wash up a bit.

FELIX: What? Am I to be the only man again?

ENID: Can't help it, darling. Mr. Packard's in Washington and all of Diana's suitors are in the trenches.

FELIX: There must be some old greybeard left somewhere to invite for Diana.

ENID: Oh, there are a few left-overs floating around but Diana doesn't like them. If she can't get the best male company she prefers female.

FELIX: Diana's a peach! She should have married one of the boys before they all went over. Poor Aubrey Laurence was madly in love with her.

ENID: Hurry up, there's soot on your cheek. [She taps it affectionately.]

FELIX: All right, if I have to dine with three women I'd better look my best.

ENID: (Admiringly) Yes, my dear Cock of the Walk.

FELIX: There're the evening papers. We gained three miles again. [Exit down left.]

[Enid is about to glance at the paper but is interrupted by the breezy entrance of Mrs. Packard.]

MRS. PACKARD: My dear, your maid told me to come right in.

ENID: Oh, Mrs. Packard, I'm so glad you could come on such short notice.

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MRS. PACKARD: I jumped at the invitation. It's so lonesome with John away. How lucky you are to have your husband at home.

ENID: Thanks to his business, the Government prefers him here. Take off your things.

MRS. PACKARD: I'm a little early but I took advantage of the chance to ride this way in Mrs. Morgan's car. Do you like Mrs. Morgan?

ENID: Why, yes, don't you?

MRS. PACKARD: I don't think you ought to like her.

ENID: Why not?

MRS. PACKARD: She has a long, bad tongue.

ENID: Talks about people--

MRS. PACKARD: (Raises her eyebrows) Does she? You ought to hear her--but then you ought not to hear her.

ENID: About me?

MRS. PACKARD: Now, there, my dear, I have come for a jolly little dinner-party and I'm not going to gossip.

ENID: Still, if she said anything against me, I ought to protect myself--

MRS. PACKARD: That's just it, that's what I thought--and when she said--Oh, no, why should I tell you--

ENID: Why shouldn't you tell me?

MRS. PACKARD: Yes, why shouldn't I? After all, I'm one of your best friends and you ought to know--

ENID: Certainly, I ought to know--

MRS. PACKARD: But you may never forgive me--

ENID: Not forgive you for protecting me?

MRS. PACKARD: That's true, you must protect yourself. It is my duty to tell you.

ENID: What is it? You have me quite scared.

MRS. PACKARD: If she tells me a thing like that, of course, she will tell everyone else. By this time, no doubt, it's all over town.

ENID: How dreadful--what have I done--

MRS. PACKARD: It isn't what you've done--it's about Diana Chesbrough.

ENID: She's coming tonight.

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MRS. PACKARD: Is she? Your invitation?

ENID: Why, yes--

MRS. PACKARD: Are you sure?

ENID: (A bit impatiently) Of course, I'm sure.

MRS. PACKARD: Well-- (She raises her shoulders and eyebrows.)

ENID: But in what way can gossip couple my name with Diana's? She is one of my best friends.

MRS. PACKARD: Oh, is she?

ENID: (Stoutly) I am quite sure she is.

MRS. PACKARD: Maybe she is--still, they wonder why Diana didn't marry one of the boys before they went off to war.

ENID: Why should she have--

MRS. PACKARD: Yes, why should she have really--still--anyone as attractive as Diana--she had plenty of chances, didn't she?

ENID: Oh, yes.

MRS. PACKARD: That's what they say. All nice men, too, and one or two real catches--don't you think it's strange Diana didn't marry one of them?

ENID: Yes, I do think it's strange.

MRS. PACKARD: (Pouncingly) There! Of course you do! I said it. But why do you think she didn't?

ENID: I don't know.

MRS. PACKARD: What does she say?

ENID: I think she--

MRS. PACKARD: Exactly! It's just what everyone is saying. And everybody feels so sorry for you.

ENID: Sorry for me?

MRS. PACKARD: My dear, you get all the sympathy.

ENID: What for?

MRS. PACKARD: Is it possible you have been so blind?

ENID: Blind, I?

MRS. PACKARD: You're with each other a great deal aren't you?

ENID: Yes--

16 | A D O L L A R - a p l a y i n o n e a c t – D a v i d P i n s k i

MRS. PACKARD: And your husband--

ENID: Ah, that's what you mean--

MRS. PACKARD: Oh, my poor dear, that's what they say--

ENID: Just what do they say?

MRS. PACKARD: That she and--oh, no, my dear, of course I don't believe it, but--

ENID: (Worried) But just in exact words what do they say--

MRS. PACKARD: Hasn't he ever admired her in your presence--

ENID: Yes--

MRS. PACKARD: What does he say--

ENID: Oh, that she's a peach and popular and all the men like her and many of them want to marry her and--

MRS. PACKARD: There you are! That's just it! They said so and Mrs. Morgan told me that Diana refused the other men because--well she said because-- (Sees Diana entering, changes the subject quickly.) Oh, Diana, you dear, sweet thing, good evening.

DIANA: (Enters back center, gay, happy, pretty, unconsciously friendly) Hello, Mrs. Packard. Hello, Enid, old top. (Kisses Enid.) I'm early, because I came straight up from town after dressing at the club. Canteen work all day. How's everybody?

ENID: I've been nursing at the hospital all afternoon.

DIANA: Isn't Enid a trump, doing the home nursing and releasing someone else to get the glory over there? I'd have gone over there myself--

MRS. PACKARD: (Pouncingly) Why didn't you?

DIANA: Against the law. I have relatives in the trenches. Oh, I'd love the romance of being there. Enid, get the letter from your brother, won't you, and read it to Mrs. Packard? He gives such unusually interesting descriptions--

ENID: Yes, it's most interesting. Excuse me a moment, it's in my desk upstairs.

[Exit Enid back center.]

MRS. PACKARD: (With a backward glance to see if Enid is out of hearing) My dear Miss Chesbrough, pardon me for seeming to presume, but I am only trying to save you. Are you aware of what people are saying about you?

DIANA: Saying about me?

MRS. PACKARD: Of course they wouldn't say it to you--

DIANA: What wouldn't they say?

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MRS. PACKARD: It is so much easier to flatter than to say disagreeable things--

DIANA: People are saying disagreeable things about me?

MRS. PACKARD: You haven't heard?

DIANA: No, but I should certainly like to know--

MRS. PACKARD: Of course you would; any young girl like you--but my dear, do you really think you should come to this house--

DIANA: Come to this house? Why, Enid and I went to school together, she is one of my oldest and best friends--

MRS. PACKARD: Best--did you say?

DIANA: You doubt it?

MRS. PACKARD: After what she said?

DIANA: She said something to make you doubt her friendship to me--surely you are mistaken--

MRS. PACKARD: My dear girl, I have eyes and ears--I can see and hear--

DIANA: What did Enid say?

MRS. PACKARD: She said she wished you had married one of the boys before they went to war--

DIANA: Oh, that--

MRS. PACKARD: You admit it! And still you come here--that is what people say--

DIANA: What do I admit? I don't follow your reasoning--I don't see--

MRS. PACKARD: Of course you don't see--love is always blind.

DIANA: Love! We haven't said a word about love--

MRS. PACKARD: Of course not, it is a delicate word to use and in this matter it is--well, the world does not think it becoming--

DIANA: (Indignantly) Mrs. Packard I do not understand your innuendos--tell me the plain facts--what are people saying--and what has love got to do with it?

MRS. PACKARD: Mr. Haldeman.

DIANA: (Laughs) Felix?

MRS. PACKARD: And you!

DIANA: I?

MRS. PACKARD: They couple your names together.

18 | A D O L L A R - a p l a y i n o n e a c t – D a v i d P i n s k i

DIANA: (Furiously) They say that Felix and I--it is a lie--

MRS. PACKARD: It doesn't make any difference if it is a lie--the point is what people say--

DIANA: The people who say such things have rotten little minds that haven't enough brains to entertain themselves--

MRS. PACKARD: (Shocked) My dear Miss Chesbrough--

DIANA: And you're just the same repeating such slander--

MRS. PACKARD: (Angrily) You insinuate that I am one of the--

DIANA: I do.

MRS. PACKARD: You have insulted me!

DIANA: Not more than you have insulted me!

MRS. PACKARD: (Furiously) Miss Chesbrough, you will suffer for this! I tell you something in all friendliness of spirit to protect you from the slanders of the world and then you reward me by--

DIANA: You listen to idle tounges and then you come and rob me of my happiness--by putting poison into my mind--

MRS. PACKARD: I was telling you the truth, but people do not thank you for telling them the truth--

DIANA: I am the one who knows what the truth is! I know that Enid and I are friends and that Enid and Felix and I are friends and that is all. Felix adores Enid, he would never care for any other woman--

MRS. PACKARD: Oh, wouldn't he? Does the world know more than Mrs. Haldeman herself? It does not! Just a few moments ago in this very room she told me herself that she wished you had married because she knows that Felix is in love with you--she pretends to be your friend but in her heart she hates you--

DIANA: It's not true!

MRS. PACKARD: It is not pleasant to argue with you, Miss Chesbrough. I shall find my hostess and make my excuses and not stay to dinner-- (Exit up center.)

DIANA: (Goes as if to follow her) If I have been too utterly rude, I humbly apologize but I cannot allow you to circulate such outrageous--

FELIX: (Enters from down left) Hello, Diana, when did you get here? Want to help me mix the cocktails? (Goes to side table and begins to mix drinks.)

DIANA: Felix, a terrible thing has happened--they talk about us!

FELIX: Who is they and who is us?

DIANA: People are talking about you and me--

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FELIX: (Mixing cocktail) Why, what have we done? Do you like a drop of orange bitters?

DIANA: You're not taking it seriously.

FELIX: But what is there--

DIANA: That's just it--what is there--if there really were something-- (She watches him anxiously.) It's most embarrassing for me--I don't know how to say it to you--

FELIX: My dear Diana, you can say anything to me--haven't I proved myself a real friend--

DIANA: But if what they say is really--true--

FELIX: Don't you know whether it's true or not--

DIANA: I thought I did--but after she said it I began to wonder--

FELIX: Wonder what?

DIANA: (Hesitates) Oh--

FELIX: Out with it!

DIANA: You know I love Enid--

FELIX: Why, you've grown up together--

DIANA: I wouldn't hurt her for worlds--

FELIX: No, you trump!

DIANA: So do you love her more than any one else--don't you?

FELIX: Of course--but--

DIANA: (Horrified) Don't say but--

FELIX: But why--

DIANA: Why did you say "but"--

FELIX: Did I say "but"? I don't know, what was I saying--

DIANA: You said of course--BUT--

FELIX: I don't remember--you have me all confused--

DIANA: You don't think I'm in love with you, do you?

FELIX: Great Scott, do they say you are in love with me?

DIANA: You never have thought have you--

FELIX: I'm not so conceited to think I could--

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DIANA: Ah, then--but--

FELIX: Well, now, what, but--

DIANA: Are you in love with me?

FELIX: (Shouts) No!

DIANA: Thank goodness! But--

FELIX: What--

DIANA: That's what they say--

FELIX: That I am in love with you--

DIANA: And that I am in love with you--

FELIX: And--

DIANA: Exactly!

FELIX: Holy smokes!

DIANA: But it's not true!

FELIX: (Shouts) No!

DIANA: But they say it's true!

FELIX: And what they say--

DIANA: Amounts to the same thing--

FELIX: What can we do?

DIANA: That's what I'm asking you--

FELIX: Go straight to Enid--

DIANA: But Enid believes it!

FELIX: Nonsense!

DIANA: She said so--

FELIX: What "she" said so?

DIANA: Mrs. Packard said they all say it.

FELIX: How do they know?

DIANA: They don't, but they think they do so it amounts to the same thing.

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FELIX: But Enid can't believe it--

DIANA: But there's proof that she does believe it--

FELIX: It's too absurd--

DIANA: Mrs. Packard said that Enid said that you said you were in love with me or something like that--and that Enid hates me--

FELIX: That's not true, I know she likes you--

DIANA: But Mrs. Packard wouldn't dare say anything--

FELIX: She said Enid hates you--

DIANA: Perhaps Enid does--perhaps she is jealous over nothing at all--perhaps she has been imagining things--perhaps she does hate me--perhaps she too has been saying things--making it seem as if--

[She stops as Enid enters followed by Mrs. Packard center.]

ENID: Diana, Mrs. Packard says you insulted her and that she feels she cannot stay for dinner--

DIANA: I apologized to Mrs. Packard but she would not accept my--

MRS. PACKARD: Ah, you do admit you insulted me--

DIANA: Only after you insulted me!

MRS. PACKARD: You hear, Mrs. Haldeman? It is just as I said, she accused me of insulting her when I was trying only to be kind and giver her a little motherly advice--

DIANA: Mrs. Packard took it upon herself to repeat some things that people are saying--things that are manifestly untrue--

ENID: Whether they are true or not--it is highly unpleasant for me to have this altercation in my house--

DIANA: I can tell by your voice that you are willing to believe that woman--

MRS. PACKARD: Mrs. Haldeman, I resent being called that woman--

DIANA: I don't care what you resent--you've come in and spoilt a beautiful friendship I've had all my life and I don't care what I call you--

ENID: But in my house--my guests--

DIANA: Don't worry--I shall not be your guest another moment--I'm going-- (Starts.)

ENID: No, Diana, I can't let you leave in--anger.

DIANA: But I do--I leave with my heart black against you for listening to what she said--

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MRS. PACKARD: What did I say?

DIANA: You said that Felix and I were in love with each other and you insinuated that--

MRS. PACKARD: I never said such a thing in all my life!

DIANA: Mrs. Packard! Why just a few moments ago in this very room you--

MRS. PACKARD: I never said such a thing in all my life!

DIANA: Can you look me straight in the eyes and tell me you never said it?

MRS. PACKARD: I never said it! never, never, never!

DIANA: Didn't you tell me that you have eyes and ears and that you can see and hear--and that everybody was saying--

MRS. PACKARD: But what everybody else says isn't what I say!

DIANA: Didn't you tell me that Felix was in love with me--

MRS. PACKARD: I didn't know that! She told me that! (Turns to Enid.)

ENID: I never told you that!

MRS. PACKARD: Why, my dear, you did! In this very room, a few moments ago--

ENID: I never said such a thing in all my life--and how can you imagine--

MRS. PACKARD: I imagine nothing! I know what I see and what I hear and you certainly told me that you ought to know all I had heard so you could protect yourself. So I told you in a friendly way, trying to be a help and there we are.

DIANA: (Bitterly) Yes, where are we?

MRS. PACKARD: You have no one to blame but yourself.

DIANA: We have no one to blame but you--

ENID: MRS. PACKARD, I didn't know I had to protect myself--until you insinuated--

MRS. PACKARD: Why, it was you yourself who said that he wanted to marry her--

ENID: I said nothing of the sort. I said that he said--

[All women turn simultaneously upon Felix who up to this time has refrained from meddling in the quarrel. He is confused by this sudden demand upon him and answers foolishly.]

FELIX: I don't know what you're talking about.

MRS. PACKARD: Didn't you say to your wife that you wanted to marry Miss Chesbrough and didn't--

FELIX: I never said such a thing in all my life and whoever said it got it out of whole cloth!

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MRS. PACKARD: He denies it of course.

DIANA: He has to deny it. To admit it would be false.

MRS. PACKARD: Whether it was true or false he would have to deny it.

DIANA: Why would he have to deny it?

MRS. PACKARD: Because the ethics of a gentleman would make him deny it in order to protect you--

DIANA: (Raging) So it doesn't matter whether it is true or not--nothing we can say or do can wipe out the miserable thoughts in your mind--

MRS. PACKARD: Not my mind! Everybody's mind! I have nothing to do with it!

DIANA: Enid, can't you stand up and defend us?

MRS. PACKARD: Ah, you admit you must be defended.

DIANA: The whole world has to be defended against women like you! If you were in my house I'd show you the door. Enid, show her the door and prove that you trust Felix and me, that you know there isn't and never has been anything between us but the most innocent friendship--you don't move, you don't trust me--

ENID: I have always trusted you--I never had the slightest suspicion--but perhaps I have been blind--perhaps the world has been able to see better from the distance and understand--

FELIX: Are you going to take the world's word against ours? Are you going to believe a silly gossip and let one minute of slander outweigh the love and loyalty you've had from Diana and me for a lifetime--

MRS. PACKARD: Why don't you tell your wife you love her?

FELIX: I love my wife but I do not see any reason to make a public statement of it. I stated that publicly when I married her. She knows I love her--don't you--

ENID: Do I?

DIANA: He adores you--

FELIX: Don't you know it--

ENID: But Diana is pretty and--

DIANA: Felix! I leave this house--forever! Thanks to you, Mrs. Packard, I have lost two friends who meant more to me than even the world's opinion. I shall never see either of you again!

FELIX: Diana, come back! It is too outrageous to allow such contemptible gossip to break your friendship with Enid.

MRS. PACKARD: You see he does not want her to go--

DIANA: It would never be the same between Enid and me again.

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FELIX: I do not want her to go because I do not want to have an evil tongue like yours triumphant! If you had come into our home and stolen our silver you would be less a thief than you are now. New silver can be bought--but tarnished friendship can never be bright again. You caused this by your malicious remarks about my regard for Miss Chesbrough.

MRS. PACKARD: I didn't say it.

FELIX: Pardon me, you did!

MRS. PACKARD: I didn't say it, she did. (Turning to Enid.)

ENID: I didn't.

MRS. PACKARD: You did.

ENID: I didn't.

DIANA: What does it matter how it happened! It's done! Done! Our friendship is over but--I won't go without leaving my memory here white and clean--I don't care what the world believes but I want Enid to know I've never had a thought against her--and so I'm going to tell the truth even though I would rather have died than tell this before--

MRS. PACKARD: Ah, now we will hear something--

FELIX: Diana, be careful--you are under no obligations to--

ENID: (To Felix) So you know what she is going to say?

DIANA: No, he doesn't know. It is my secret. No one else has known. There is only one man I love or ever have loved and he's over there.

MRS. PACKARD: She's making it up, a likely story--

DIANA: I'm not making it up! If you don't believe me I'll have to tell you his name--

FELIX: No, no, Diana, it is not fair to demand that of you--

DIANA: They will not believe me--but I'll do anything for Enid--she'll have to know. It is Aubrey Laurence.

MRS. PACKARD: Aubrey Laurence! He wanted to marry you--

ENID: It's true he did--But Diana wouldn't--

MRS. PACKARD: Why wouldn't you?

DIANA: Because I did.

FELIX and ENID: You married him?

DIANA: (Takes wedding-ring from chain about her neck) Yes! I married him, the last day before he sailed--

25 | A D O L L A R - a p l a y i n o n e a c t – D a v i d P i n s k i

MRS. PACKARD: But your family didn't like him--

DIANA: That's why I didn't tell them, but you can go now and tell them yourself, Mrs. Packard.

FELIX: Aubrey Laurence! Did you really, Diana?

MRS. PACKARD: He hasn't any money.

FELIX: But he's straight to the core! I'm awfully glad Diana!

ENID: So am I, Diana! Forgive me!

DIANA: There's the door, Mrs. Packard, and the world outside is waiting to hear the latest gossip!

MRS. PACKARD: I'll go, my dear, because I've offended you and I know you are not ready to forgive me, but I promise not to breathe it to a soul--not to a soul--[Exit up center in such a way that one knows she is excited and eager to tell it to everyone she meets.]

ENID: Diana, I'll never forgive you for not telling me you married Aubrey. Why didn't you tell me that you married Aubrey?

DIANA: But I didn't.

FELIX: You didn't?

ENID: But you said--

DIANA: Oh, what I said! It doesn't matter what I said--

ENID: But she'll tell everyone.

DIANA: Of course she will--

ENID: But if it's not true--

DIANA: It might be true--

ENID: But it's not--is it?

DIANA: I told you it wasn't--

ENID: But now I don't know whether to believe you or not--

DIANA: Nor will other people know whether to believe her or not--

FELIX: But when Aubrey hears of it--Diana--what will he think--

DIANA: He will wish that it were true--

FELIX: But what will he say about you--

DIANA: He will say that I wish it were true--

26 | A D O L L A R - a p l a y i n o n e a c t – D a v i d P i n s k i

FELIX: And do you?

DIANA: I do!

ENID: Have you found out since he left that you really love him--

DIANA: Madly--madly--madly--

FELIX: (Teasingly) Shall I cable him that?

DIANA: I have already.

ENID: You haven't!

DIANA: I have. I'm going to marry him by proxy.

FELIX: (Offering glass) Do have a cocktail on that.

ENID: But when we tell people you married him by proxy after Mrs. Packard has told them you are married already, what will people say?

DIANA: (Takes cocktail with a smile) What will people say? In any case, exactly what they choose!

CURTAIN