A Comparison of Clean Talk and

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by Alyce Barry

CONTENTS I. Introduction

A. Background on the Models

B. Scope of this Essay

C. Disclosure

II. Quick Comparison: Three Examples

III. Key Similarities

A. Observation without Conclusions

B. Taking Responsibility for Feelings

C. Requests: Positive, Clear and COncrete

D. Intention

E. Taking Responsibility for Choices

IV. Key Differences

A. When To Use the Model

B. Permission to Proceed

C. Proceeding in Rounds

D. Exclusion of Judgments

1. Labeling the tiger

2. Reclaiming the word judgment

3. The baby and the bathwater

4. The case for including judgments

5. How judgments leak out

E. "Needs" as Hidden Judgments

F. Need Vs. Want

G. Treatment of Anger

H. Judgments Masquerading as Feelings

I. Owning What You Want for You

J. "I Want You To Know"

K. Praise and Compliments

L. "Paraphrasing" When a Request Is Rejected

M. Wants Vs. Requests

N. Second-Level Wants

V. The Shadows of Clean Talk and NVC

VI. References

I. INTRODUCTION

This article compares Non-Violent Communication (NVC) with Clean Talk, the communication

model we teach and use in Shadow Work.

NVC was developed by clinical psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., whose book,

Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, was first published in 1999. I have based my

comparison primarily on the book's second edition, published in 2003, with the addition of a few

examples from a half-day NVC workshop I attended in January 2011.

I also quote briefly from essays about NVC by Chapman Flack, formerly head of IT at Purdue

University, and Sharon Sarles of the Southwest Facilitators Network.

A. BACKGROUND ON THE MODELS

Dr. Rosenberg developed NVC during the 1960s and 1970s, according to the website for Dr.

Rosenberg's nonprofit Center for Nonviolent Communication. Dr. Rosenberg describes himself

as influenced by the humanistic psychology of Carl Rogers (pp. 113, 175-176).

Cliff Barry developed a model for clearings (conversations for resolving conflicts), which he

allowed the ManKind Project (MKP) to use during his years as a leader there. He further

developed the clearings model for use in Shadow Work, where he named it Quarter Talk as he

aligned its four components with the four archetypal energies on which Shadow Work is based.

He built it into the Basic Facilitator Training (BFT) for Shadow Work facilitators and produced a

training video that teaches Quarter Talk along with the basics of Word Coaching, the practice of

coaching others in the use of the model. He also took it into the corporate world, where he

renamed it Clean Talk.

I learned Quarter Talk when I took the BFT in December 1997. In 2008, Cliff invited me to help

him write and record the Clean Talk CD, which explains the basics of Clean Talk and of Word

Coaching. We aimed the CD at group facilitators and other group leaders.

Clean Talk is primarily known within the business organizations where it has been taught and

within the community of organizations that do experiential emotional work based on Jung's

psychology, including Shadow Work, MKP, Women In Power, Woman Revealed, Priestess

Path, Inward Journey, and Woman Within, among others.

NVC is much more widely known than Clean Talk. It has apparently been taught to millions of

people in a wide variety of settings, and NVC workshops and practice groups are widely

available. Dr. Rosenberg's book and the accompanying workbook (Nonviolent Communication

Companion Workbook by Lucy Leu, 2003) have sold well.

B. SCOPE OF THIS ESSAY

The two models are based on quite different beliefs about human personality, and it is beyond

the scope of this essay to explore in depth the differing beliefs of Carl Rogers and Carl Jung.

This essay doesn't cover two of the topics on the Clean Talk CD: Word Coaching, and how

questions in a conversation can be used to conceal a judgment or to pick a fight. Neither does it

discuss Dr. Rosenberg's views on asking questions to elicit further information or his comments

on the protective use of force.

C. DISCLOSURE

I sell copies of the Clean Talk CD at the ShadowWork.com Online Store and elsewhere. The

CD's copyright is held by Shadow Work Seminars, Inc., and I pay a royalty for each Clean Talk

CD sold. The CD was a collaboration; Cliff and I co-wrote the script and recorded and edited the

CD together. Since my name is on the CD, I also have some professional stake in the success of

the CD.

II. QUICK COMPARISON: THREE EXAMPLES

NVC and Clean Talk each consist of four components, but the components differ. NVC's four

elements are observation, feeling, need, and request. Clean Talk's four elements are data, feeling,

judgment, and want.

Here are three examples showing the two models expressing roughly the same thing.

EXAMPLE A

Adapted from p.173 of Dr. Rosenberg's book.

NVC:

Observation: "When I imagine going back to work after being with the children

full-time,"

Feeling: "I feel scared"

Need: "because I'm needing reassurance that the children will be well taken care

of."

Request: "Therefore, I now would like to plan how to provide high-quality child

care while I work and how to find sufficient time to be with the children when I

am not tired."

Clean Talk:

Data: "When I imagine going back to work after being with the children full-

time,"

Feeling: "I feel afraid."

Judgment: "I think I'll face risks both at work and at home. At work it will be

hard to focus if I'm worrying about the children being well cared for. At home I

might be too tired to have quality time with my children."

Want: "I want to find high-quality childcare and plan for time with the children

when I'm not tired"

Optional second-level want: "because I want both professional fulfillment and to

be a good mom."

EXAMPLE B

From p.149 of Dr. Rosenberg's book. The speaker has overheard a statement which he has

interpreted to mean that he has been excluded from a conversation because he is Caucasian.

NVC: Observation: "When you entered the room and started talking to the others and

didn't say anything to me and then made the comment about white people,"

Feeling: "I felt really sick to my stomach, and got so scared,"

Need: "it triggered off all kinds of needs on my part to be treated equally."

Request: "I'd like you to tell me how you feel when I tell you this."

Clean Talk:

Data: "When I saw you talking to the others in the room and not to me, and then I

heard you say you didn't want to talk to any white people,"

Feeling: "I felt afraid."

Judgment: "It sounded to me like you decided not to talk to me because I'm white

and might be making assumptions about me without finding out what I'm like."

Want: "I want to be seen for who I am."

EXAMPLE C

Adapted from an example in the workshop. The speaker is responding to a phone call from a

spouse who has said, "I can't go out to dinner with you tonight as planned, dear, I'm too busy

with work."

NVC:

Observation: "When you say you can't go out to dinner with me tonight because

you're too busy with work,"

Feeling: "I feel sad."

Need: "because I have a need for connection with you."

Request: "Would you be willing to work tomorrow night instead?"

Clean Talk:

Data: "When I hear you say you can't go out to dinner with me tonight because

you're too busy with work,"

Feeling: "I feel sad."

Judgment: "It seems to me that we haven't spent much time together the last two

weeks, and I'm sensing some distance between us."

Want: "I want to be close to you,"

Optional second-level want: "because I love you."

III. KEY SIMILARITIES

On the following important points, I think the two models agree pretty well.

A. OBSERVATION WITHOUT CONCLUSIONS

NVC's "observation" is quite similar to Clean Talk's "data." Both models suggest that, in

accurately making an observation/reporting the data, you imagine that you are a video recorder

recording the facts of the situation as objectively as possible.

Both models distinguish between describing the situation in clear data versus making

conclusions.

"We need to clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our sense

of well-being, without mixing in any evaluation." For example, "Hank Smith is a poor soccer

player" is an evaluation while "Hank Smith has not scored a goal in 20 games" is an observation

that contains clearer data. (NVC, p.26)

"If I am able to say the exact words you said, it proves I was listening, and it proves that I am

grasping what is actually happening . . . . there's power in it, and you can usually feel it

energetically in the room when the words have been repeated, because we know that we standing

on solid ground of the words that were actually spoken." (Clean Talk CD)

B. TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR FEELINGS

Both models teach the speaker to take responsibility for his/her feelings. Dr. Rosenberg's book

does a good job of explaining some of t