A Brief History of Starcraft

7/31/2019 A Brief History of Starcraft

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A Brief History of Starcraft

CHAPTER 1

The Protoss

Xel'Naga: Hey! Lookat this!

Early Protoss: Ug. Protoss hunt.

Xel'Naga: Nifty! GENETIC ENGINEERING!Early Protoss: ftw h4x

*evolves*

Protoss: My psi! She is stronger!

Xel'Naga: Wassaaaap?Protoss: Wassaaaaaaap?

Xel'Naga: WORSHIP US FOR WE ARE YOUR GODS!

Protoss: k

Xel'Naga: Good, good. MORE GENETIC ENGINEERING!

*much later*

Protoss: Dude, we want to LEARN and stuff!

Xel'Naga: OkayProtoss: That entails us tribes going our seperate ways. Hope that's okay.

Xel'Naga: Blast. Well, back to the drawing board.

Protoss: YOU'RE LEAVING!?

Xel'Naga: Ya.Protoss: NNNOOOOOOO!

*they attack*Xel'Naga: RUN AWAY!*they do*

Protoss 1: Now what?

Protoss 2: CIVIL WAR OMG

*Aeon of Strife*

Khas: Ooh, a shiny khaydarin crystal! *poke*Protoss: CIVIL WAR OMG

Khas: My psi! I have recovered it! Gather unto me, followers!

KHALAI ASSEMBLE!*they do*

Khas: End the civil war!

*they do*

*Second Age*

Protoss: We must establish a caste system!


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Templar: TEMPLAR! WARRIORS AND PROTECTORS!

Judicators: JUDICATOR! ADMINISTRATORS AND GOVERNORS!

Khalai: KHALAI! SCHOLARS AND LABOURERS!Templar: Man, you guys got the shaft.

Judicators: lol

Khalai: ._.

Judicators: We must safeguard the lesser races!

Templar: k

*they do*

Rogue tribes: This Khala **** sucks.Conclave: Blast! Adun, go talk some sense into them.

Adun: If by "talk some sense into them" you mean "teach them how to harness their latent

and extremely dangerous psionic powers", then it shall be done!

*he does*Rogue tribes: W00t we have teh 1337 psi!

Conclave: wtf h4xAdun: >_>

Conclave: ADUN! You gave them psi powers!

Adun:


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Conclave: Nah. Just burn 'em if they're infected.

Tassadar: But-

Conclave: DO IT N00B!Tassadar: -_-

Scouts: INCOMING!Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE

Terrans: SNAP!

*Zerg infest Chau Sara*Conclave: Burn 'em!

Tassadar: But-

Conclave: I SAID BURN 'EM!

Tassadar: ._.*he does*

Terrans: They attacked us! Quick, intercept!

*Zerg infest Mar Sara*

Conclave: Burn 'em!Tassadar: No.

Conclave: O.O

CHAPTER 2

The Zerg

Xel'Naga: Well, we sure screwed up with the Protoss, didn't we? Hey, look!

*they find the early Zerg*Xel'Naga: Let's give them crazy possessing abilities! GENETIC ENGINEERING!

*Zerg evolve*

Xel'Naga: Cool!*Zerg eradicate "inferior" races*

Xel'Naga: Whoah! They can steer the evolution of their hosts!

*hosts mutate into scary-looking beats*Xel'Naga: Neato.

Xel'Naga: Hey, wait a sec. The Protoss rebelled against us! We should make sure the Zerg

don't do the same.*they create the Overmind*

Overmind: y helo thar

*Overmind creates Cerebrates*Cerebrates: sup d00ds

*Zerg spread rapidly across Zerus*Overmind: Wow. We kick ass.

Cerebrates:

Overmind: We're going to need to leave Zerus soon...oh! Look!

Giant space creatures: ^_^


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Overmind: If we assimilate them, we can expand through space! TO ME MY GIANT

SPACE CREATURES!

Giant space creatures: Must...obey...*Giant space creatures are assimilated*

Overmind: ^_^

Xel'Naga: We rock. ^_^

*Zerg expand into space*

Overmind: wtf giant spaceships above Zerus

Xel'Naga: Ack! The Overmind severed its psychic link with us, effectively hiding it from

our sight! H4X!

Overmind: Attack!Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE

Xel'Naga: NNNOOOOOOOOO!

*Xel'Naga are wiped out*

Overmind: gg no re*Overmind learns of the Protoss*

Overmind: MUST ASSIMILATE! TO THE SKIES MY MINIONS!*the Swarm leaves Zerus*

*much time passes*

Overmind: Protoss are psionic. We need psi to counter them!

Drones: Check it out!

*drones discover Terrans*Drones: They have latent psionic powers, too.

Overmind: Oh, that's handy. ASSIMILATE THEM!

Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE*Zerg infest Chau Sara*

Tassadar: Have at you!

*Protoss fleet burns Chau Sara*Overmind: WTF RE

Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE


CHAPTER 3

The Terrans

Humanity: lol technological advance

*crazy mutations and cybernetic enhancements*Humanity: Err...

Corporate sector: We shall capitalize on this!

Humanist factions: Hell no!

*civil war*


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Media: Let's watch!

*irresponsible media coverage*

Humanity: Noes!

*international pandemonium*

United Nations: We should do something!

*United Powers League is founded*

UPL: We shall restore order!*they do*

UPL: We shall unify mankind!

*religions are banned, English designated the official language*

UPL: We shall CLEANSE HUMANITY!Humanity: Ulp...

*Great Purification*

*400 million people apprehended and executed*

Humanity: wtf teamkillers?UPL Media: Nothing going on here, just move right along...

Humanity: kUPL: Gogo space exploration!

*founds colonies in the Terran star system*

Doran Routhe: Further!*Warp drive and cryogenic hibernation developed*

Routhe: We must colonize beyond our star system!

UPL: Here, take these prisoners and dissidents and use them as colonists.

Routhe: ...are you sure that's wise?UPL: Worked for the British Empire, didn't it?

Routhe: Okay, sure. I'll name one supercarrier after that ship in Greek mythology, anotherafter a US President, and the remaining two shall be made-up names.

*Argo, Reagan, Sarengo, Nagglfar are commissioned*

Routhe: Install some sort of guidance on the one.*ATLAS is installed on Nagglfar*

Routhe: Now set course for Gantris IV!

Technicians: Should we put ATLAS on the other three, too?

Routhe: Nah, just program them all to follow the Naggy.Technicians: But what if ATLAS screws up?

Routhe: Don't be silly. ATLAS won't screw up.

*ATLAS screws up*

ATLAS: ...****. Which way was Gantris IV? Damnit. Okay...oh, darn, I've forgottenwhere Earth was, too. We'll just blunder blindly along for a while, then...

*they do*

Warp drives: I'M MELTING! MEEEELLLLTTIIINNNGGGG!


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7/28

Umoja: Screw that.

*founds Umojan Protectorate*

Confeds: Rampant expansionism! Claim more worlds!

*they do*

Confeds: I hope no pirate and radical militia organizations pop up.*they do*

Confeds: Drat.

Korhal: We don't like associating ourselves with those increasingly corrupt Confederates.*they rebel*

Confeds: Can't allow that. CRUSH THE REBELLION!

Angus Mengsk: OPEN WAR ON THE CONFEDERATION!

Confeds: O RLY?Mengsk: YA RLY!

Confeds: NO WAI!

*they send assassins*

Mengsk: OMG ASSASSINS!*dies*

Confeds: roflArcturus Mengsk: You bastards! You killed my family!

*rounds up a ragtag army*

Mengsk: TO BATTLE!*they harass the Confeds*

Confeds: Harass this!

*NUCLEAR LAUNCH DETECTED*

Korhal: x_xMengsk: ;_;

*founds Sons of Korhal*

*some years later*

Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKEConfeds: wtf?

Protoss: Take this!

*Protoss burn Chau Sara*

Confeds: To arms, Terrans! ATTACK!*they do*

Protoss: Carriers = Instant Win!

*shrugs off attack(instantly)*Tassadar: Wait a tick...

*withdraws*

Confeds: *phew* That was a close ca-Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKE


Confeds: >_


8/28

Chapter 4

The Terran Campaign

Adjutant: Y helo thar...

Magistrate: LUE is that way --->Adjutant: Equipment demonstration!

Magistrate: ^_^

Adjutant: ...cuz you're a n00b.Magistrate: ;_;

Duke: Okay, Mar Sara's quarantined. Move your colonists.

Magistrate: ...ass...Raynor: Howdy fellas.

Adjutant: We should set up a base. 10 marines ought to be enough to hold off these legions

of aliens.

Magistrate: ...

Backwater Station: HELP!Duke: Don't get involved. We'll deal with it.

Raynor: Lies!

Magistrate: A house of them!Duke: I said don't get involved!

*they do*

Raynor: OMG AN INFESTED COMMAND CENTER!

*destroys*Duke: You willfully destroyed Confederate property!

Raynor: ...it said "Infested Terran Command Center"...

Duke: Arrest him!*Raynor is arrested*

Magistrate: Huh. The Confeds sure suck at this "defense" thing.Arcturus Mengsk: I can help.

Magistrate: O RLY?

Mengsk: YA RLY

Magistrate: What's the catch?Mengsk: You have to join my rebel organization and become my pawns.

Magistrate: k

Confeds: Some Magistrate you are. SUSPEND'D

Magistrate: Pfft...

Raynor: I am free! FREE!Mengsk: Send your colonial militia to go raid a top-security Confederate installation.

*they do*

Raynor: Ooh, shiny weapon schematics!


9/28

Mengsk: gj

Raynor: ^_^

Mengsk: Now go meet up with Kerrigan and free Antiga Prime.Raynor: Y helo thar... ^_^

*Raynor's thoughts: (>^(>^_^)>*

Kerrigan: -_-'Raynor: >_>

Kerrigan: We should kill the Confederate leader guy in that command center.

*she does*Antigans: W00t w00t!

Raynor: Join us!

Antigans: k

*they do*Mengsk: Destroy the Confed outpost!

*they do*

Norad II: AAAIIIEEEE LOOKOUT BELOW!! O.O*crash*

Mengsk: Go rescue them.Raynor: WTF

Mengsk: Go rescue them!

Raynor: But they're Confeds!Mengsk: GO RESCUE THEM!

*they do*

Duke: Gee, thanks. Guess I'll switch sides now.

Confeds: PREPARE TO ATTACK AHAHAHAHA!

Mengsk: Here, use this psi emitter.

Kerrigan: What's it do?Mengsk: Lures the Zerg.

Kerrigan: >_>

*she does*Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKE

*Confeds are crushed*

Mengsk: Now to strike the finishing blow...Duke: There's these three bigass platforms in orbit. If we attack one, we can sneak a strike

force through?

Mengsk: What about the other two?Duke: stfu n00b

*they attack the platform*

Confeds: See that base over there near the bottom edge of the platform? Let's convenientlyplace some useful add ons there and leave them abandoned.

*they do*

Duke: Score!

*Confeds are crushed*


10/28

Mengsk: Bahahahaha...

*Sons of Korhal place psi emitter on Tarsonis*

Mengsk: Why are you all looking at me funny? We're just slaughtering innocents.

Mengsk: The Protoss are descending on Tarsonis! Kerrigan, go take 'em out!

Kerrigan: kProtoss: Lookie! Terrans!

Terrans: DIE!

*they do*Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKE

Mengsk: Pull out!

Kerrigan: Okay!

Mengsk: Not you!Kerrigan: ._.

*Terrans are overrun*

Raynor: My heart, she's a-broke.

Raynor: Screw this, I be leavin'.

Mengsk: I will DESTROY you.Raynor: stfu

Mengsk: DESTROY! WITH MY ION CANNON!

Raynor: Gee, it'd sure be bad if that Ion Cannon were destroyed...*it is*

Raynor: Toodles!

CHAPTER 5

THE ZERG CAMPAIGN

Cerebrate: THE LIGHT! IT BURNS! IT BURRRRNNNSSS!

Overmind: stfu n00b

Cerebrate: ._.Overmind: Watch over the Chrysalis. That's your job.

Cerebrate: k

Zasz: Kill those terrans.

*they do*

Overmind: The Chrysalis is intact. Good. You're strong enough for warp travel now, so

let's get a move on. TO CHAR!Cerebrate: Are we there yet?

Overmind: No.

Cerebrate: Are we there yet?Overmind: No.

Cerebrate: Are we there yet?

Overmind: No.

Cerebrate: Are we there yet?


11/28

Overmind: STFU

Daggoth: Here, occupy yourself with these Protoss.

Cerebrate: Ehehehe, this is fun! GO MY MINIONS!Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKE

Overmind: Check out the visions emanating from the Chrysalis.Cerebrate: ...whoah.

Overmind: Cool, huh?

Zasz: The crazy visions have lured our enemies!Daggoth: Take 'em out.

*they do*

Duke: RUN AWAY!

Daggoth: Let 'em go. I'll take care of them...*he does*

*crazy vision cinematic*

Zasz: More enemies!

Overmind: Deal with it. Pshaw.*they do*

Overmind: The Chrysalis is almost ready to hatch. Mwahahahahaha...

Raynor: Okay d00ds, stay frosty...Raynor's Raiders: Uh...sir? We're on Char.

Raynor: -_-'

Zasz: THE CHRYSALIS IS OPENING OMG

Overmind: Arise, my daughter. Arise...Kerrigan.All: WTF H4X

Kerrigan: Obey!

Raynor: Sara?Kerrigan: Thassright nub.

Raynor: So...you gonna kill me or what?

Kerrigan: Nah.Raynor: How about dinner?

Kerrigan: Leave.

Kerrigan: Well, thanks for watching over me.Cerebrate: No problem.

Kerrigan: I need to board a science vessel so I can undo the crazy Ghost conditioning and

uber-up my psi powers.Zasz: REMEMBER YOUR PLACE SERVANT!

Kerrigan: Sod off.

Overmind: Aw, ain't she a dear?Daggoth: Here's a few Hunter Killers.

Science vessel crew: OMG ZERG!

Kerrigan: AHAHAHAHA!

Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKE


12/28

Kerrigan: w00t records

Kerrigan: PROTOSS OMGCerebrate: Where!?

Kerrigan: They've been here some time. Hiding.

Cerebrate: INVISIBLE HAX OMGTassadar: Oh hey, it's you. The Terran. Too bad you're ZERG SCUM NOW.

Kerrigan: h8u

Tassadar: 1v1 nubKerrigan: k

Tassadar: gl

Kerrigan: hf

*Tassadar vanishes*Kerrigan: OMG HALLUCINATION

Tassadar: gg no re

Daggoth: Zasz is dead!Kerrigan: You twit, he'll be reincarnated.

Daggoth: No, he's ACTUALLY dead.Kerrigan: Damnit! Tassadar was a diversion!

Daggoth: You got owned in the face.

Cerebrate: Guess someone's going to have take out Zasz's rampaging brood.Daggoth: >_>

Kerrigan:


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Overmind: Okay, step two. See that temple over there?

Cerebrate: The one that's built on the spot where the Xel'Naga first set foot on Aiur?Overmind: Yeah. Burn it to the ground.

Cerebrate: ...what?

Overmind: And then place the crystal there.Cerebrate: ...wtf.

Overmind: AND THEN I SHALL BE MANIFEST AHAHAHAHA!

Cerebrate: Why would you want do take a physical form?Overmind: Uh...

Cerebrate: I mean, right now you're a bodiless entity. If you took physical form, wouldn't

that just make you easier to destroy?

Overmind: RAZE THE DAMN TEMPLE!*they do*

CHAPTER 6

THE PROTOSS CAMPAIGN

Aldaris: Sup nub

Executor: Hi

Aldaris: I'm Aldaris, your super-conservative Judicator advisor.Executor: Nice to meet you

Aldaris: You know, your predecessor Tassadar was a DISOBEDIANT LITTLE SNOT

Executor: ...

Aldaris: Anyway, go secure Antioch.*he does*

Fenix: Executor!

Executor: Fenix!Fenix: Wassap buddy?

Executor: Oh, not a lot. Got promoted to Executor. You?

Fenix: You're lookin' at Praetor Fenix, my friendExecutor: Is that anything like the Roman office of Praetor?

Fenix: The super-high-up executive position? Apparently not since I'm still a basic melee

unit.

Aldaris: Congrats on not being incompetent...

Executor: Thanks...?

Aldaris: ...unlike that INSUBORDINATE SCUMBUCKET TASSADAR!Tassadar: HEY! I heard that!

Aldaris: TASSADAR OMG WHERE'VE U BEEN?

Tassadar: Chillin' like a villain.Executor: Uh-

Tassadar: Well, not really. Not at all, in fact, since I've been on Char.

*pause*

Tassadar: It's a joke you idiots. Char is a ball of molten rock.


14/28

*It should be noted that the Protoss are not known for their sense of humor*

Tassadar: Anyway, I've been hangin' with this guy Zeratul-

Aldaris: A DARK TEMPLAR OMFGTassadar: STFU

Aldaris: ._.

Executor: Do go on.Tassadar: Anyway, he says that if you kill the Cerebrates, the broods will fall.

Fenix: Worth a shot!

*Fenix kills a Cerebrate*Cerebrate: AHAHA FOOL I AM REBORN

Fenix: H4X

Aldaris: That's what you get for trusting a SPARTAN DOG LIKE TASSADAR!Executor: ...right.

Aldaris: Let's go about this the old-fashioned way: HEAD-ON ASSAULT!

Executor: ...Protoss rush?

Fenix: Kekekekeke!Aldaris: TO SCION!

Fenix: I'll just stay here then.

Fenix: Hmm. Nice day.

Hyrdalisk: HSSSSSSFenix: Aah! A Zerg!

*Fenix manifests his psiblades*

Fenix: En guarde!

*Psiblades fizzle*Fenix: ...snap.

Hydralisk: SSSRRRAAAAAAA!

Fenix: "Keep going and going" my ass. Stupid bunny...

Aldaris: Shame about Fenix.

Executor: ...Aldaris: Well, he died a warrior's death.

Executor: True dat.

Aldaris: Well now it's time to look to greater threats, specifically that BLASPHEMING

SONOFA***** TASSADAR.Executor: Could you remind me again why one rogue Templar is a greater threat than a

full-scale invasion of the Homeworld?

Aldaris: Because I said so.Executor: Right. Anyhow, you were saying?

Aldaris: We need to hunt him down and bring him to justice. TO THE GANTRITHOR!

Executor: Holy hereric, Batman!*theme music*

*later, in orbit of Char*

Tassadar: Aldaris? Executor? MY HEROES!


15/28

Aldaris: We've come to arrest you. HERETIC.

Executor: >_>

Raynor: You know I was arrested once, too.Aldaris: A...human?

Raynor: Back off, buddy. I won't be talked down to by ANYBODY.

(Exception: Sara Kerrigan, Queen of Blades)Aldaris: Amusing. Take them away, boys.

Tassadar: Wait! Executor, you must help me find Zeratul! They can take down the

Overmind!Aldaris: Side with the Dark Ones? NO WAI!

Executor: Sure.

Aldaris: !!!

Aldaris: This is folly, you know, Executor. Turn back now and the Conclave might spare

your blasphemous ass.

Tassadar: Just ignore him and ge'll go away.

Aldaris: h8uTassadar: The energies wielded by the Dark Templar are the same as used by the Overmind

and his minions. ONLY THEY CAN TRULY DEFEAT THE ZERG!Executor: So what's the plan then? Find the Dark Templar and return them to Aiur?

Tassadar: Ding ding.

Tassadar: He's here somewhere...

Executor: How can you tell? Dark Templar are permacloaked.

Tassadar: ...

Executor: That's what I thought.Tassadar: Hey Zeratul! I'm back, and I've come to take you home!

Zeratul: As cool as that is, I doubt the Conclave would welcome us.

Tassadar: Welcome shmelcome. THE HOMEWORLD IS UNDER ATTACK AND WENEED YOUR HELP!

Zeratul: ZOUNDS!

Fenix: Well, there goes THAT plan. Tassadar's been arrested, and the Dark Templar have

vanished.

Executor: Guess we can't defeat the Overmind now, huh?

Raynor: Howdy fellas. I wanna help Tassadar.Fenix: Sounds like a plan.

*Executor's forces assault the detention facility*

Fenix: There! That's Tassadar's stasis cell! FREE HIM!*they do*

Aldaris: Hah! I expected this. Prepare to die!

Zeratul: Not so fast!Aldaris: SNEAK ATTACK OMFG

Zeratul: Back off.

Aldaris: I will not be addressed by the likes of YOU!

Zeratul: You're a moron.


16/28

Aldaris: NO U

Zeratul: Buzz off.

Tassadar: You released me! ^_^

Executor: T'was nothing.

Tassadar: Zeratul, maybe we ought to tell these guys what we know about the Zerg.Zeratul: The Zerg were created by the Xel'Naga.

All: GASP!

Zeratul: And the Overmind's come here to try and finish their experiments. It wants toassimilate us. And then everything else.

All: GASP!

Tassadar: See? We gotta win.

Fenix: Okay, here's the plan: We'll engage the main Zerg force while Zeratul slips in andcuts up a few Cerebrates.

Zeratul: What, just me? What about my bretheren?

Tassadar: We can't find them ANYWHERE.

Zeratul: ...that's because they're permacloaked you twitt.*Zeratul kills a few Cerebrates*

Fenix: Haha, it worked! The broods are helpless!

Tassadar: Well guys...this is it. The final showdown.

*tumbleweed*Tassadar: We may not all survive this battle. But we're sure as hell gonna win it!

All: YAY!

Raynor: Guess I have to see this through to the end.

Aldaris: Um...Executor, Tassadar...*cough*...Zeratul...Tassadar: Yes?

Aldaris: Well, we uh, we...um...

Tassadar: Go on.Aldaris: The Conclave...uh...

Tassadar: Spit it out!

Aldaris: We're sorry!Tassadar: ^_^

Aldaris: You were right all along, and we shouldn't have tried to punish you.

Raynor: So are you sendin' reinforcements?

Aldaris: Bye!Raynor: -_-

*Combined forces beat the crap outta the Zerg*

Tassadar: It's the Overmind! Attack it!

*they do*Tassadar: Blast! The Gantrithor's been hit! She's going down!

Executor: No!

Overmind: Aah! Damn, that hurts.


17/28


18/28

Artanis: Let's set up a colony...here.

Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKE

Artanis: WTF YOU GUYS WERE SUPPOSED TO GUARD THE WARP GATE ANDPREVENT THE ZERG FROM GETTING THROUGH!

Fenix and Raynor: ._.

*they recapture the warp gate and shut it down*Dark Templar: TO THE RESCUE!

*they save the colony*

Raszagal: ZERATUL!

Zeratul: RAZZY!

Raszagal: Glad to have you back. Who're these n00bs?

Aldaris: We're the guys who've been descriminating against you for a few thousand years.Raszagal: Oh, right, you guys. How's things?

Executor: Good, good. Except the Homeworld was invaded by creepy aliens who've

followed us here.

Raszagal: ...Executor: ...sorry about that.

Raszagal: Well, no problem. We'll just use that fancy Xel'Naga temple to repel the Zerg.Executor: How's it work?

Raszagal: You need two special Khaydarin crystals.

Executor: Well, go get 'em.Raszagal: ...er...we lost them.

Executor: >_>

Zeratul: Before we go crystal hunting, we need to kill those two Cerebrates near the

temple.*they do*

Zeratul: OMG AN OVERLORDOverlord: >_>;;

Kerrigan: Sup y'all. I need to speak with your Matriarch.

Aldaris: But-Raszagal: 'k

Aldaris: WTF

Kerrigan: So the Overmind's dead.

Artanis: We know.Kerrigan: Whatever influence it had over me is gone. But Daggoth and a bunch of other

Cerebrates are trying to create a new Overmind. That'd be bad, 'cause it could control me

again.Aldaris: Queen of Blades...

Kerrigan: ...yeah?

Aldaris: YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES!*storms out*

Zeratul: Er...anyway, we'll help you kill the new Overmind if you help us find these two

crystals.

Kerrigan: Deal.


19/28

Zeratul: TO BRAXIS!

*Braxis*

Kerrigan: So why'd you give the crystal to these WACKY TERRANS?

Zeratul: We didn't. This used to be a Protoss colony waaaaaay back, and the Terrans movedhere recently.

Artanis: OMFG THE WARP MATRIX IS DAMAGED

Executor: Meaning...what exactly?Artanis: We can't warp in Carriers.

Executor: No instant win!?

Artanis: No instant win.

Executor: Damnit.*they defeat the Terrans the old fashioned way and recover the Uraj*

Stukov: Not so fast, you Protoss scallywags!

Executor: ...who the hell are you?Stukov: I am Vice Admiral Alexi Stukov of the United Earth Directorate, and I have a

heavy Russian accent. I am also blockading your retreat.Executor: That'll never do...Artanis! Break the blockade!

Artanis: In UED Russia, blockade breaks YOU!

*Artanis breaks through*

Zeratul: How coincidental that the Khalis crystal is on Char within spitting distance of the

new Overmind.

Blizzard level designers: >_>Executor: Also ironic that the Dark Templar crystal is named after the guy who came up

with the Khala.

Kerrigan: So is this one of those wacky "chose one path of two" missions?Zeratul: Well...no. Both paths have the same outcome.

Kerrigan: Lame. Remind me not to do that in my campaign.

Artanis: So, Executor...the purely superficial choice is up to you.Executor: ASSAULT THE OVERMIND WITH CARRIERS!

*builds a carrier*

Carrier: INSTANT WIN

*win*

Artanis: We're back!

Raszagal: Aldaris led a revolt and attacked us! Go kill him!Executor: 'k

Zeratul: ...something's up.

*Raszagal leaves*Zeratul: This ain't like her. The Matriarch has always been kind an' stuff.

Kerrigan:


20/28

Artanis: OMG they're gonna use Archons!

Zeratul: Ah, but we have Dark Archons! We've outlawed their creation for a long time,

which implies that they're really superpowerful, but in actual fact they're only mediocre.But they're still good!

Artanis: And they look cool.

Dark Archon: True dat.*Aldaris is surrounded*

Aldaris: Wait, lemmie explain! Kerrigan is somehow influencing Raszagal's mind, and-

Kerrigan: Aha!Aldaris: *dies*

Zeratul: HEY! You've been meddling this whole time! Begone!

Kerrigan: Okay, now that I've USED YOU ALL LIKE PUPPETS AHAHAHAHAHA!

Raszagal: Now retake the temple and use the crystals!

Artanis: Appropriately, I, a Templar, will carry Uraj.

Zeratul: And I, a Dark Templar, will carry Khalis.

Executor: ...you guys suck.*Zeratul and Artanis activate the temple*

Zeratul: Okay, this thing goes...here?

Artanis: No, damnit, like this! *inserts crystal*

Zeratul: Like...?Artanis: You're useless.

Zeratul: This new-fangled technology confuses and frightens me. Here, youngin', you do it.

Artanis: Bah. *inserts crystal*

Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEK-*a'splosion*

INTERLUDE

Firstly, just because it's too good to pass up...

DuGalle: Are you prepared to go all the way with this, Alexi?

Alexi: >_>

...right.

CHAPTER 8

The Terran Expansion

Adjutant: Get the hell up, you!Captain: ...ugh...

DuGalle: *big inspirational speech*

Captain: *yawn*

Stukov: Establish a ground base on Braxis. And hand the Confederates their asses while


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you're at it.

Captain: 'k

Marine: DERES NO GAS AT THIS BASE WTFCaptain: Adjutant u n00b!

Adjutant: ._.

Duran: I've got some gas...Captain: o.0

Duran: Also intimate knowledge of important stuff like Confederate defenses. Anyway, my

teammates are nubs, so can I switch sides?Captain: ...uh...sure.

Confeds: OMG BACKSTABBER!

DuGalle: Now we need to bolster our fleet. To the Dylarian shipyards!Duran: Mengsk can usually reenforce his border colonies within twelve hours.

DuGalle: YOU WILL SHOW THE PROPER RESPECT YOU YOUNG UPSTART!

Duran: Pfft...

Stukov: Gerard, he did just tip us off to an attack...DuGalle: He's a BSer, therefore I hate him.

*they capture the shipyards*Duke: Stand the hell down you rebels!

Stukov: Ahaha, we are no rebels! We are the United Earth Directorate!

Duke: BWAAAA?*Duke gets pwned*

DuGalle: Okay, next stop Tarsonis. We're looking for a piece of anti-Zerg weaponry called

the Psi Disruptor.Duran: We should destroy it. Because, um...it's too powerful to fall into Mengsk's hands.

Yes. That's why.


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*Augustgrad is seiged*

Mengsk: FLEEEE!

DuGalle: NOT SO FAST!Mengsk: Damnit!

Raynor: Hey! A mutual aquaintence of ours wants your sorry ass alive, so you're bein'

rescued!*Hyperion and Norad III teleport away*

DuGalle: DAMNIT! TRACK THEM!

Adjutant: We've tracked Mengsk and Raynor to Aiur, near a warp gate.

Stukov: Okay Captain, us three will hold off the surrounding Zerg, while YOU go take out

that command center.

Captain: ...screw you guys.*Warp gate activates*

Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKE!

Captain: Damnit! Repel them! Push forward!

*Command center is destroyed*Raynor: Haha, too slow!

*flees in dropship to warp gate*Stukov: Duran! Your forces are out of position! GET THEM ZERG!

Duran: What Zerg?

Stukov: WTF YOU NUB!Duran: I can't heeaaarr youu.....

*cuts transmission*

*Dropship flees through warp gate, which self-destructs*

Captain: So...Duran messed up.

DuGalle: I'm not worried. I'm more concerned that Stukov disobeyed my orders and moved

the Psi Disruptor to Braxis.Duran: He's obviously turned traitor and plans to sabotage your mission.

DuGalle: OF COURSE!

Duran: I'll kill him.*Duran infiltrates the facility*

Duran: I'm here to terminate your command.

Stukov: We both know what you're here to terminate...

Captain: ...the hell does THAT mean?*Duran kills Stukov and vanishes*

Captain: WTF THAT WASN'T A CANISTER RIFLE!

DuGalle: The core is set to overload! Quick, we must-Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKE

DuGalle: Duran is obviously a Zerg. Damn.

Captain: WE'VE BEEN HAD!

DuGalle: Huh, look at that. There's so many Zerg on Char that if we hadn't used the

Disruptor our mission would be impossible.

Captain: You were pretty successfully hoodwinked, Admiral.


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DuGalle: Take out those Cerebrates.

Cerebrate: Ahaha! My defenses are INVINCIBLE!

*Terrans kill Cerebrate*Cerebrate: Ahaha! I have a Torrasque!

Torrasque: Fear my resurrection abilities.

*Terrans kill Cerebrate*Cerebrate: Um...I have no cool abilities. I just make lots of Infested Terrans.

Captain: Lame.

*Terrans kill Cerebrate*DuGalle: To the Overmind!

*Overmind is rendered docile*

Kerrigan: Sup nubs.

DuGalle: WHO DA HELL ARE YOU?Duran: She's the Queen of Blades, foo. And she's made alliances with EVERYBODY

against YOU!

DuGalle: But we have the Psi Disruptor!

Kerrigan: Not for loong...

*propaganda*

Chapter 9

The Zerg Expansion

Kerrigan: Sup random Cerebrate. You'll notice I cut you off from the new Overmind.

Cerebrate: WTF HAXKerrigan: Stfu and go reclaim my hive clusters.

Cerebrate: Very well then. Larvae, MUTATE!

Larvae: This program is not responding. It may be waiting for a response from you or itmay have stopped running.

Cerebrate: ...

Duran: Kerrigan, you just HAD to keep Larvae 98 didn't you?

Kerrigan: Wassap Jimmy?

Raynor: ...

Kerrigan: Lousy psi disruptor's causing me lots of problems.Raynor: Later on you can explain why I care. So why'd you want Mengsk?

Mengsk: YEAH, WHADDAYA WANT?

Kerrigan: I need your psi emitters.Mengsk: What do I get in return?

Kerrigan: Well, I won't kill you.

Mengsk: ...Kerrigan: And I'll, um, help you retake Korhal!

Mengsk: SOLD!

Raynor: Okay boys, take out those generators!

*they do*


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*Norad III goes down*

Mengsk: WE HAD A DEAL!

Kerrigan: What, you actually thought I wouldn't seek revenge for you feeding me to theZerg?

Mengsk: You said-

Kerrigan: I say lots of things. I liberated Korhal because it was the UED's staging point.Fooled ya!

Mengsk: ._.

Kerrigan: Aw, don't worry Arcturus. Just remember, it was you who set me loose in thefirst place. ^_____^

Fenix: You betrayed us!

Kerrigan: Yuppers. Ready to die again?

Fenix: You won't find me easy prey!Cerebrate: ^__________^

Fenix: ...what?

*Spawn Broodling*

Cerebrate: XDRaynor: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO! I'll see you dead for this, Kerrigan!

Kerrigan: You don't have what it takes to be a killer.Raynor: It may not be tomorrow, it may not be with an army, but I'm gonna be the one who

kills you some day. See ya around!

Kerrigan: Another satisfying day. Let's return to Tarsonis to rest.

Duran: Uh...there's a big-ass Zerg force decending from orbit.

Kerrigan: Aw, bloody hell. The UED really wants me to pwn them.

Duran: Shall I rally your forces?Kerrigan: Duh.

Duran: Oh hey, a Terran facility. There's a bunch of scientists doing something.

Kerrigan: I bet these "scientists" are helping coordinate the attack.Duran: Cererbate, focus on the facility. KILL THOSE SCIENTISTS!

*they do*

Scientists: Urk!UED Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKE

Cererbate: How ironic. ^_^

Kerrigan: Shakuras now. I need to capture Raszagal.Cerebrate: Why?

Kerrigan: You'll see...

Duran: We need a diversion. If we cause power surges in the pylon clusters surrounding theProtoss fortress, that should overload their power grids.

Cerebrate: Wow, these Brood War missions are way more complicated and interesting than

the original campaigns.Blizz level designers: ^_^

Cerebrate: Now to build some Guardia-

Duran: Uh, actually, you can't. Interference and stuff. Flyers can't fly.

Cerebrate: Um...what about Overlords?


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Duran: They're fine.

Cerebrate: ...wtf

Blizz level designers:


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Blizz writers: ^____^

OMG SECRET MISSION

Zeratul: We just got owned. In the face.

High Templar: Huh. We're tracking Protoss power signatures from that inconspuciousuncharted moon.

Zeratul: Interesting...LET'S GO LOOK!

Templar: We're picking up a Terran compound nearby!Zeratul: The plot thickens...oh hey, stasis cells - OMG A PROTOSS!

*a'splodes*

Zeratul: Nub Terrans don't know how to use Pylons. But why was there a Protoss in that

cell...? Let's look at this one.Adjutant: DNA code compiled and archived.

Zeratul: THE AUDACITY! The - THERE'S A ZERGLING IN THAT TANK!

Adjutant: Gene splicing completed.

Zeratul: ...holy moly...I've never seen anything like THIS before...Adjutant: Protoss/Zerg hybrid, in perfect cryogenic hibernation. Psionic eminations

minimal.Zeratul: ...what...the...

Duran: Magnificent, isn't it?

Zeratul: Who the...?Duran: Are you ready for my best line in the entire game?

Zeratul: ...?

Duran: I've had many names throughout the millennia, young prodigal. You would know

me best as "Samir Duran".Blizz writers: Cool line, huh?

Zeratul: So this is Kerrigan's twisted scheme!

Duran: Young Kerrigan could not have engineered this..."grand experiment".Zeratul: Now where have I heard that phrase before...?

Xel'Naga: >_>'

Duran: I serve a far greater power, one that has slept dormant for countless ages.Zeratul: What he possibly be referring to?

Xel'Naga: _>;'

Kerrigan: ...so you'll have to hold them off by yourself.

Cerebrate: ...lovely.


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Mengsk: Have I caught you at a bad time?

Kerrigan: Not really. It'll take more than your three little fleets to bring me down.

Mengsk: Uh...three fleet?Kerrigan: Don't play dumb. I've already-

Artanis: WE HAVE COME TO AVENGE THE DEATHS OF RASZAGAL, FENIX,

AND ALL THE PROTOSS YOU'VE SLAIN.Kerrigan: When it rains, it pours...

Cerebrate: I know who the third fleet is! It's gotta be Raynor's Raiders!

Kerrigan: Nub, it's obviously the remainder of the UED expeditionary fleet.DuGalle: That's right.

Cerebrate: ._.

DuGalle: Surrender!

Kerrigan: Lemmie think about that...no.

*forces clash*

Mengsk: Bah, you beat me again. I'll get you one day.

Artanis: Hax. You've won today, but we'll best you yet!

DuGalle: Okay, okay, I'm prepared to offer terms of my surrender.

Kerrigan: Uh, no. I don't take prisoners. How about instead I let you turn around and headback to Earth, and then send the Swarms after you?

DuGalle: ...this whole "expeditionary fleet" thing is turning out to be not such a good idea.

DuGalle: *seppuku**UED fleet is overtaken*

Kerrigan: ^______^

~FIN~

A Brief History of Starcraft

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