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Efective Communication

INTRODUCTION

An organization is a group of people associated for business, political, professional, religious,athletic, social, or other purposes. Its activities require human beings to interact and react,that is , to communicate. They exchange information, ideas, plans; order needed supplies;make decisions, rules, proposals, contracts, and agreements. ommunication is the!lifeblood" of every organization. #eople in organizations typically spend over $%& of theirtime in an interpersonal situation; thus it is no surprise to find that at the root of a largenumber of organizational problems is poor communications. 'ffective communication is anessential component of organizational success (hether it is at the interpersonal, intergroup,intra)group, organizational, or external levels.

ommunication can be considered as a personal process that involves the transfer ofinformation and also involves some behavioral input. ommunication is something people do.It has all to do (ith relationships bet(een people and consists of the transfer of informationand understanding bet(een parts and people in an organization, and the various modes andmedia involved in the communication. Another (ay of looking at communication is as *aninterpersonal process of sending and receiving symbols (ith meanings attached to them+resulting in the exchange of information and shared understanding bet(een people. o ameasure of the effective management of interpersonal communication is that information ispassed, and relationships are built.

Effective Communication is therefore critical to the success of an organization because - rganisations today are becoming more complex both in structure and technology.

'conomic and market conditions are forcing greater efficiency and quality at minimum

cost in manufacturing and services. /overnment legislation requires managers to interpret the changing implications for

policies and practices in their o(n organisation. #eople at (ork have high expectations from their employers - not 0ust high (ages, but

also greater personal 0ob satisfaction. rganizations are becoming more dependant on horizontal communication channels.

1ith increased complexity, information needs to flo( quickly bet(een specialists ratherthan go up and back do(n the hierarchy, (ith its inevitable delay and messagedistortion.

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o (hen (e look at the changes that are taking place in organizations today, it is clear thatmanagers, to be effective, require communication performance at high levels of excellence.

The Importance and Benefits of Effective Communication

ommunication is the !lifeblood" of every organization. A vital means of attending to companyconcerns is through effective internal communication - do(n(ard, up(ard, and horizontal.

ommunication is the medium through an organization accomplishes its goals) It leads to greater effectiveness

It keeps people in the picture.

It gets people involved (ith the organization and 2

increases motivation to perform (ell; increases commitment to the organization.

It makes for better relationships and understanding bet(een 2

boss and sub)ordinates

colleagues

people (ithin the organization and outside it

It helps people understand the need for change 2

ho( they should manage it;

ho( to reduce resistance to change.

Purposes of Communication - 3anagers need to be effective communicators toachieve positive results in today+s organisations. ome of the purposes are -

eeking or receiving information, encouragement, control, selling proposals,

confrontation. Talking to different levels (ithin the hierarchy - to individuals, to groups, to

departments - and externally to customers, suppliers, vendors, and otherprofessionals.

4sing both formal communication ) 3eetings, reports, proposals, notices; and

Informal communication ) counseling, advising, talking to other employees. 1orking in different roles2 as hairman, pro0ect leader, analyst, subordinate ,

colleague. 'valuating communications 2 are they facts, opinions, gossip 5


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6uilding up net(orks to obtain real information (hich may be given freely or concealed

- (hich means you need to ask the right questions, or else you (ill find yourself

dro(ned in data but starved of information. Trying to influence those over (hom you have no po(er.

ORGANISATIONA CO!!UNICATION

rganisational communication can be 'xternal ommunication and Internal ommunication.Internal ommunication is (ithin the organisation, (hereas, 'xternal ommunication is thecommunication (ith the external stakeholders of the organisation. The importance and thepurpose of the communication in organisation has been explained above.

ommunication in organizations use t(o basic channels - formal and informal. 6oth areimportant and both carry messages - sometimes reinforcing and sometimes conflicting -throughout the organisation.

Formal channelsare ones (hich have been set up by the organisation. 3essages flo( inthree directions " do#n#ards$ up#ards and side#a%s. The do(n(ard message consistsprimarily of information (hich is necessary for any staff to carry)out their (ork, such aspolicies and procedures, orders and requests (hich are passed do(n the appropriate level inthe hierarchy. 4p(ard messages are reports, requests, opinions, complaints. ide(ays

messages are bet(een different departments, functions or people at the same level in theorganisation.

There tend to be strict rules about the use of these formal channels. 7or communication to beeffective, all three channels need to be open and unblocked at all times. The up(ard channelis the one (hich blocks most easily, and (hen this happens it is an indicator that anorganisation+s policies, procedures and employee relations need to be revie(ed.

Informal hannels spring up by virtue of common interests bet(een people in theorganisation - these interests may be caused by (ork, social or outside relationships. Thegrapevine is very po(erful channel. It has been estimated that managers receive over half theinformation they need for planning purposes through the grapevine. Its messages mayfrequently be distorted, but they often carry more credibility than those coming from the


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formal channels. Informal channels become the only means of communication (hen theformal channels become blocked or break)do(n.

The Communication Process

Although all of us have been communicating (ith others since our infancy, the process oftransmitting information from an individual 8or group9 to another is a very complex process

(ith many sources of potential error. To communicate (ell, (e need to kno( ourselves andour frames of references and to be able to assess other people.

The communication process involves 2


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SENDER ENCODING

&EEDBAC':erbal, on):erbal

RESPONSE

RECEI(ERDECODING!ESSAGE

8experiences, attitudes, skills9#erception

Idea encodingymbol decisions

ending mechanisms

8experiences, attitudes, skills9

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T(o ma0or parties in communication - sender and receiver

T(o ma0or communication tools - message and medium

7our ma0or communication functions - encoding, decoding, response and

feedback. and noise or barriers to communication that may interfere or distort the intended

communication.

'very message (hether oral or (ritten, begins (ith context - a broad field that includescountry, culture, organization, and external and internal stimuli. 'xternal stimulus prompts youto send a message (hereas internal stimulus have an complex influence on ho( you

translate ideas into a message.

The encodingprocess refers to the forming of the messages to be sent and is influenced bythe kno(ledge, beliefs, biases, and feelings of the sender.

The messageis the core idea you (ish to communicate and it consist of both verbal 8(rittenor spoken9 symbols and non)verbal 8 unspoken9 symbols. ommunication effectiveness alsodepends upon the message forms - Words, Paralanguage, Non-verbal behaviour.

Wordsare the phrases that (e select to express the thought that (e intend to communicate

including vocabulary, language, phrases, sentence structure and sentence clarity. 1ords caninsult, in0ure, or exalt. They can lead to costly errors, false hopes, or disillusionment. They canevoke pride, loyalty, action or silence and are critical to the influence process. 8 )ou are themaster of the *ords +ou are +et to sa+, but +ou are the slave of the *ords +ou have alread+said. 9Paralanguage is the characteristics of the voice, such as rate of speech, diction, tone ,rhythm and volume. :oice is a highly versatile instrument. Through it one can conveyenthusiasm, confidence, anxiety, urgency, serenity, and other states of mind and intent. Theability of the voice to affect ho( something is said is kno(n as paralanguage.

Non-verbal behaviouris anything that can be seen by the other person, such as gestures,facial expression, eye contact, body language, positioning. on)verbal cues serve as(indo(s to emotions, desires and attitudes.


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The mediumdepends upon the contextual factors and nature of the message discussedabove. The choice of medium is influenced by the relationship bet(een the sender and the

receiver. ther factors that influence the choice of medium is importance, number ofreceivers, communication costs, and the amount of information. 7or internal communication,

(ritten media may be memos, reports, bulletins, 0ob descriptions, posters, notes, employeemanuals etc.. ral communication may take the form of staff meeting, face to facediscussions, audio tapes, telephonic conversations or videotapes. 'xternal communicationmedia may be letters, reports, proposals, telegrams, faxes, e)mail catalogues , ne( releases,live presentations etc.

In obtaining the message, the receiver decodes the message through assimilation andinterpretation. =uring this process, the receiver+s kno(ledge, beliefs, biases, and perceptions

affect ho( (ell the message is understood and accepted. The receiver+s response is basedon his perception of the symbols based on his kno(ledge, belief and biases.

Feedback is the process by (hich the receiver communicates to the sender anunderstanding of the message (hich (as sent. 7eedback can occur through (ords,paralanguage and non)verbal communication. A question sent by the sender (hich isans(ered by a receiver+s blank stare is as an example of a non)verbal feedback loop.

7or a communication to be effective the sender+s encoding process must mesh (ith the

receiver+s decoding process i.e .effectiveness is a measure of reception coupled (ithunderstanding. ?& is conveyed by the receiver+s perception of sender+s voice.

%%& is conveyed by the receiver+s interpretation of sender+s non)verbal cues.

@o(ever, communication does not occur in a vacuum . There is al(ays noise or barriers tocommunication. oise is any activity, person or thing that disrupts or impedes

communication process and it can occur if the sender and the receiver do not have a commonframe of reference for communication.


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Barriers to Effective Communication

There are a (ide number of sources of noise or interference that can enter into thecommunication process (hich prevent the achievement of the desired result . 6arriers toommunication can be classified into three groups 2

Barriers to reception 'nvironmental stimuli

The receiver+s attitudes and values

The receiver+s needs and expectations

Barriers to understanding : anguage and semantic problems The ability of the receiver to listen and receive, especially messages (hich threatens

his or her self concept. The length of the communication

tatus effects

Barriers to acceptance : #re0udices

Interpersonal conflicts bet(een sender and receiver.

The follo(ing are the sources of noise or barriers to communication 2

B. #hysical C. 3echanical


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>. 3entalD. ross)cultural

%. ocio)psychological

1 Ph!sical Barriers 'nvironmental =isturbances like traffic noise, loud sound, passing train etc.

Time and =istance

#ersonal #roblems of health

#oor hearing 8 due to defective hearing9

#oor presentation due to speech defects like stammering, lisping etc.

#oor verbal skills

" #echanical Barriers $

oisy transmission 8unreliable messages, inconsistency9 The different media 8machines or instruments9 used for communication, very often

becomes the barrier. on)availability of proper machines or presence of defectivemachines.

1rong channels or medium

% #ental Barriers $ From the sender&s point of vie' ignorance of the language and

confused thinking are the mental barriers.

From the receiver&s point of vie' ignorance of the language,

limitations in ability, intelligence and understanding

divided attention

are the serious mental barriers.

(emantic Problemsoccur (hen people use either the same (ord in different

(ays, or different (ords in the same (ay. The choice of (ords or language in

(hich a sender encodes a message (ill influence the quality of communication.6ecause language is a symbolic representation of a phenomenon, room forinterpretation and distortion of the meaning exists. 3eaning has to be given to

(ords and many factors affect ho( an individual (ill attribute meaning to particular


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(ords. It is important to note that no t(o people (ill attribute the exact samemeaning to the same (ords.

#isreadingof body language, tone and other non)verbal forms of communication

)eceiver distortion2 selective hearing, ignoring non)verbal cues .

*oice control - #itch, modulation of voice helps in making communication

effective. ommunicators thinking should be clear.

+ ross ultural Barriers - 'ffective communication requires deciphering the basicvalues, motives, aspirations, and assumptions that operate across geographical lines./iven some dramatic differences across cultures in approaches to such areas as time,

space, and privacy, the opportunities for mis)communication (hile (e are in cross)culturalsituations are plentiful.

*alues, ttitudes and .pinions

#re)conceived notions 2 1e 0udge people before they speak by allo(ing our

opinions and ideas of them come in the (ay of trying to kno( (hat the speaker issaying.

Assumptions -i.e. assuming others see situation same as you, has same feelings

as you

tatus effects 2 po(er struggles =efensiveness, distorted perceptions, guilt, pro0ection, transference, distortions

from the past, negative emotions

=istrusted source, erroneous translation, value 0udgment, state of mind of t(o

people.

Perceptual Biases"#eople attend to stimuli in the environment in very different (ays. 1eeach have shortcuts that (e use to organize data. Invariably, these shortcuts introduce somebiases into communication. ome of these shortcuts include stereotyping, pro0ection, andself)fulfilling prophecies. tereotyping is one of the most common. This is (hen (e assumethat the other person has certain characteristics based on the group to (hich they belong

(ithout validating that they in fact have these characteristics.


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/nterpersonal )elationships2 @o( (e perceive communication is affected by the pastexperience (ith the individual. #erception is also affected by the organizational relationship

t(o people have. 7or example, communication from a superior may be perceived differentlythan that from a subordinate or peer

Overcomin* +arriers to communication ,

If communication is oral, it must be clear and not heavily accented.

1ords must be chosen in such a (ay that miscommunication is avoided.

#eople should be oriented to listen (ith attention and read (ith concentration.

If instruments are used they should be in proper (orking condition.

The communicator should try to reach the audience by speaking and (riting from theirpoint of vie(. The *you+ attitude must be used on all occasions. emantic noises mustbe avoided.

All communication should try to persuade and not rush or over(helm people.

#sychological barriers can be effectively overcome through persuasion. #roper arrangement must be made to obtain feedback. The sooner you obtain

feedback the sooner (ill you be able to change your mode and manner ofcommunication and make it more effective.

3ake sure you are using the proper channel of communication (hether it is through

(ritten, verbal or (ith visual aids.

Action to +e ta-en to overcome +arriers of effective communication-

(ender./O2 To (hom should the message go 5./02 1hy am I communicating 5 (hat are my motives 5./AT2 =ecide (hat to communicate. 6e clear about (hat you need to communicate../EN2 hoose the best time for optimum reception./O.2 4se language the receiver (ill understand and (hich unambiguous.

./ERE2 hoose a location (hich (ill not interfere (ith the reception, understanding andacceptance of the message.Eeep checking (ith the receiver.

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6e fully ATTENTI(Eto senderisten ACTI(E0to the messages being sent.

AS'for clarifications, reception (here necessary.Eeep checking (ith sender.

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Bod! anguage ) includes facial expression, eye movement, posture, and gestures. The

face is the biggest part of this. All of us HreadH peoples faces for (ays to interpret (hat theysay and feel. This fact becomes very apparent (hen (e deal (ith someone (ith darksunglasses. f course (e can easily misread these cues especially (hen communicatingacross cultures (here gestures can mean something very different in another culture. 7orexample, in American culture the head going up and do(n (hereas in India, a side)to)sidehead movement might mean the same thing might indicate agreement. 1e also look toposture to provide cues about the communicator; posture can indicate self)confidence,aggressiveness, fear, guilt, or anxiety. imilarly, (e look at gestures such as ho( (e hold ourhands, or a handshake. 3any gestures are culture bound and susceptible tomisinterpretation.

0actile:This involves the use of touch to impart meaning as in a handshake, a pat on theback, an arm around the shoulder, a kiss, or a hug.

*ocal2 The meaning of (ords can be altered significantly by changing the intonation of onesvoice. Think of ho( many (ays you can say HnoH)you could express mild doubt, terror,amazement, anger among other emotions. :ocal meanings vary across cultures. Intonation inone culture can mean support; another anger .

2se of 0ime as Nonverbal ommunication2 4se of time can communicate ho( (e vie( ouro(n status and po(er in relation to others. Think about ho( a subordinate and hisJher boss

(ould vie( arriving at a place for an agreed upon meeting..

Ph!sical (pace2 7or most of us, someone standing very close to us makes usuncomfortable. 1e feel our HspaceH has been invaded. #eople seek to extend their territory inmany (ays to attain po(er and intimacy. 1e tend to mark our territory either (ith permanent

(alls, or in a classroom (ith our coat, pen, paper, etc. 1e like to protect and control ourterritory. 7or Americans, the Hintimate zoneH is about t(o feet; this can vary from culture toculture. This zone is reserved for our closest friends. The Hpersonal zoneH from about C)D feet

usually is reserved for family and friends. The social zone 8D)BC feet9 is (here most businesstransactions take place. The Hpublic zoneH 8over BC feet9 is used for lectures.

At the risk of stereotyping, (e (ill generalize and state that Americans and orthern


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'uropeans typify the noncontact group (ith small amounts of touching and relatively largespaces bet(een them during transactions. Arabs and atins normally stand closer together

and do a lot of touching during communication.

imilarly, (e use HthingsH to communicate. This can involve expensive things, neat or messythings, photographs, plants, etc.

/mage2 1e use clothing and other dimensions of physical appearance to communicate ourvalues and expectations

Nonver+a1 Communication"

A Hma0orityH of the meaning (e attribute to (ords comes not from the (ords themselves, butfrom nonverbal factors such as gestures, facial expressions, tone, body language, etc.

Nonver+a1 cues can p1a% five ro1es" Repetition2 they can repeat the message the person is making verbally

Contradiction2 they can contradict a message the individual is trying to convey

Su+stitution2 they can substitute for a verbal message. 7or example, a persons eyes

can often convey a far more vivid message than (ords and often do Comp1ementin*2 they may add to or complement a verbal message. A boss (ho pats

a person on the back in addition to giving praise can increase the impact of themessage

Accentin*2 non)verbal communication may accept or underline a verbal message.

#ounding the table, for example, can underline a message.

killful communicators understand the importance of nonverbal communication and use it toincrease their effectiveness, as (ell as use it to understand more clearly (hat someone elseis really saying. A (ord of (arning. onverbal cues can differ dramatically from culture toculture. An American hand gesture meaning HA)EH (ould be vie(ed as obscene in some

outh American countries.


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ANA0SIS O& CO!!UNICATION

Any communication, (hether oral or (ritten can be analyzed to determine (hether it is True,7alse or =on+t Eno( 8unclear9 or (hether it is fact, hearsay or opinion. 6oth aspects ofanalyzing communication are inter)related. Analyses of communication is necessary because,often (rong feedback is generated as a result of assuming or presuming something in thecommunication (ith possibly dangerous results, (hich (ere intended.

1hen a communication is received, the receiver, after listening attentively or reading carefully,must be able to decide (hether the contents of the communication are true, false or unclear.Any communication or part of the communication is 2

TRUE 2 If it is an agreement (ith the fact that it is actual, accurate or correct.Immediate feedback may be given.

&ASE 2 If it is (rong, erroneous, deceptive, deceiving, untruthful, nor genuinenor real. o feedback required.

DON2T 'NO. 2 If its is not clear and requires clarification from the sender beforefeedback is given.

communication is said to be a :

&ACT 2 If it relates to any act, deed or event that has happened or is happening./EARSA0 2 If the communication relates to something (hich the communicator has

only heard about 8 but not having actually seen 9 and reports thereafter.

OPINION 2 If it appears to be possibly true, or an estimation, or 0udgment, or vie(,or idea of the communicator.


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When anal!3ing a communication do not :

ASSU!E 2 Take things said or (ritten for granted at the face value or pretend topossess hidden information or to take upon yourself that you are right.

PRESU!E 2 Take as true (ithout examination of proof or assume or rely on or counton unduly, the communication to be entirely true.

ISTENING S'IS

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(ith the message nor the context in (hich it is being presented. The evaluative listenermakes a sincere attempt to listen by paying attention to the speaker, but makes no effort to

understand the intent of the speaker+s message. This listener hears the (ords, but not thefeelings and the meaning of the (ords. The active listener hears and understands themessage. The active listener+s full attention is on the content of the message and the intentionof the speaker.

Importance of istenin* ,

To gain ne( information , ideas and data for decision making and thus aim at problem

solving. To follo( directions better and make fe(er mistakes, and thereby become more

dependable. A good listener stands out like a beacon of courtesy and fine manners in a sea of

competitive talkers. /ood listeners are better informed

/ood listening spares embarrassment.

/ood listening promotes understanding.

istening does not mean agreement. It is a courtesy extended by the listener to the speaker. Itis a conscious physical effort to pay attention and thereby understand.

BARRIERS TO ISTENING 3 P/0SICA BARRIERS

Pre4udice against the speaker- Attention is lost (hen the speaker+s position, attitude or

belief is entirely contrary to the listener.

5xternal distraction- the physical environment affects listening. Among the negative

factors are noisy fans, poor or glaring lights, distracting background music etc. (hichmight distract the listener+s attention from the speaker+s message.

0hinking speed) 1e speak at an average speed of BC% (.p.m., but our brain is able

listen at a speed of DGG - KGG (.p.m.. ince the brain can listen faster than (e can speak,a listening ga.occurs for the average person. This gap allo(s the mind to (ander to


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thoughts unrelated to those being expressed by the speaker and influences the ability ofthe receiver to accurately hear the message being sent

(emantic (tereot!pes- Internal reaction (ords vary from person to person, each list

influenced by feelings, attitudes, pre0udices, and biases (e carry (ithin us. @ence , some(ords cause negative reactions. 1e tune out the speaker because the (ords annoy us; itshouts so loudly in the brain that effective listening is impaired.

PS0C/OOGICA BARRIERS

Premature evaluation) As a result of rapid thinking (e race ahead to (hat (e feel is the

conclusion. 1e anticipate. 1e arrive at the concluding thought quickly - although oftenone that is quite different from that the speaker intended.

5motional blocks) popularly called as !=eaf pots" prevent a person from taking in and

retain certain ideas. There are certain people (ho cannot listen to figures, to politics, or todescription of surgical operation.

6etouring - =elivery style of the speaker can put off or create interest in the listeners.

The tendency to criticise speaker+s manner, appearance, voice etc. impairs effective

listening.

Effective istenin* s-i11s

There are a number of situations (hen you need to solicit good information from others; thesesituations include intervie(ing candidates, solving (ork problems, seeking to help anemployee on (ork performance, and finding out reasons for performance discrepancies. killin communication involves a number of specific strengths. The follo(ing lists some

suggestions for effective listening (hen confronted (ith a problem at (ork2

isten openly and (ith empathy to the other person

Ludge the content, not the messenger or delivery; comprehend before you 0udge

4se multiple techniques to fully comprehend 8ask, repeat, rephrase, etc.9


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Active body state; fight distractions

Ask the other person for as much detail as heJshe can provide; paraphrase (hat the

other is saying to make sure you understand it and check for understanding

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top Talking2 Asks the other person for as much detail as heJshe can provide; asks for

others vie(s and suggestions

ooks at the person, listens openly and (ith empathy to the employee; is clear abouthis position; be patient

isten and G ->% & of all social interaction. onverbalcommunication can be divided into facial expressions, postures, gestures and spatialmessages' /0ead assignment1


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ASSERTI(E CO!!UNICATION

What is ssertiveness7

It is a behaviour (hich helps us to communicate clearly and confidently our needs, (ants andfeelings to other people (ithout abusing in any (ay their human rights. It is an alternative topassive, aggressive and manipulative behaviour. r in other (ords ) Assertiveness is theability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, *ithout undue an2iet+,in a (ay that doesnt infringe on the rights of others.

Its dependent on a feeling of self)efficacy, a sense that if you behave in a certain (ay,something predictable (ill occur.

1here does non)assertive behavior come from5 3any of us are taught that (e should al(aysplease andJor defer to others, that it is not nice to consider our o(n needs above those ofothers, or that (e shouldnt Hmake (avesH, that if someone says or does something that (edont like, (e should 0ust be quiet and try to stay a(ay from that person in the future.

Assertiveness is often confused (ith aggressiveness. There is a big difference bet(een theset(o concepts, ho(ever. It is useful to think of a continuum 8belo(9 along (hich the (holerange of human behavior lies. ome behavior is extremely passive 8at one end of thecontinuum9, some is extremely aggressive 8at the other end9, and some 8assertive9 liessome(here in bet(een2

passive43333333333335Assertive43333333333335AGGRESSI(E6

Its not aggressiveness; its a middle ground bet(een being a bully and a doormat.


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Wh! is ssertiveness /mportant7

If you dont kno( ho( to be assertive, you might experience -

6epression. 7rom anger turned in(ard, a sense of being helpless, hopeless, (ith no

control over your life. )esentmentAnger at others for manipulating or taking advantage of me.

Frustration. @o( could I be such a (imp5 1hy did I let someone victimize me5

0emper8violence. If you cant express anger appropriately, it builds up until it blo(s.

nxiet!, (hich leads to avoidance. If you begin to avoid situations or people that you

kno( (ill make you uncomfortable, you may miss out on fun activities, 0ob

opportunities, relationships, and lots of other good stuff. Poor relationships of all kinds. on)assertive people are often unable to express

emotions of any kind, negative < positive. Its murder for a relationship (hen thepartners cant tell each other (hat they (ant and need and ho( the other personaffects them. o one is a mind reader. The same is true for friendships and (orkrelationships.

Ph!sical complaints. @eadaches, ulcers, high blood pressure. 1e all kno( (hat

stress does to our bodies, and assertiveness, (hen it becomes a habit, is a greatstress reliever.

Parenting problems. Eids are born kno(ing ho( to test the limits their parents set for

them. If parents arent assertive and firm, their kids (ill (alk all over themN

Se1ective Assertiveness23ost people find it easier to be assertive in some situations than in others. This makes perfectsense. Its a lot easier to hold your ground (ith a stranger than (ith someone you love (homight get angry if you express your true feelings. 6ut the more important the relationship is toyou, the more important it is to be assertive. Assertive behaviors lead to increased respectfrom others, their (illingness to see you as a person (ho respects himJherself, a *orth*hileperson, a more loveable personN

/s assertiveness al'a!s the best 'a! to go76efore you decide to act assertively in a given situation, you have to decide if you can live

(ith the consequences. Although assertive behaviour usually (ill result in a positiveresponse, some people might react negatively to it. 7or example, if your boss is completely


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unreasonable and is kno(n to go ballistic if anyone dares question his orders, even non)aggressive, respectful, assertive behavior might set him off and you could lose your 0ob. If

thats your situation, then you may decide you cant afford to be assertive, and learn otherstress management techniques.

(etting the stage If youre planning to try assertive behavior, remember that the otherperson is used to your behaving in a certain (ay, and may be thro(n for a loop or thoroughlyconfused (hen you change your communication style. 1hy not tell the other person up front

(hat youre trying to do5 It helps to choose a peaceful moment for this. Then you might saysomething like -

!I need to tell you something and Id like you to hear me out before you comment."

!Ive noticed lately that after (eve been (orking on a pro0ect together, I find myself

feeling frustrated and over(helmed. Ive been thinking about it and Ive realized that Ioften go along (ith your ideas, (ithout insisting on considering some of my ideas as

(ell, because Im afraid of upsetting you." 7rom no( on Im going to try something different.

1hen I start to get those frustrated feelings, Im going to ask that (e stop before

making a final decision and be sure (e have considered all the options. I kno( that (ill be a change for you, but I really think its fair and I kno( Ill do a better

0ob and feel better about myself if I can tell you about my ideas.H

@o( can anyone argue (ith that statement5

Techni7ues"

ase-HIve noticed that (henever (ere preparing to go some(here, you start rushing me to finish

dressing as soon as youre ready, even if its not yet the time (e had planned to leave. I kno(you get anxious (hen youre all ready to go and Im not, but (hen you do that, I get allflustered and take even more time. 6y the time (e get in the car, (ere mad at each other andnot much in the mood to have a good time. 7rom no( on, lets be sure (e kno( (hat time (e

(ant to leave, and if youre ready before I am, (ill you please 0ust go to another room and


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read the paper or (atch T:5 7rom no( on, if you come into the bedroom or bathroom beforeits time to leave and start asking me to hurry up, Im 0ust going to remind you of the time, ask

you to go to another room, and close the door until Im ready. I kno( this is going to seem(eird at first, but I bet (ell en0oy our outings a lot more over the long run.H

6iscussions - There are three parts of each assertive intervention2

86 Empath! 8 validation:Try to say something that sho(s your understanding of the otherpersons feelings. This sho(s them that youre not trying to pick a fight, and it takes the (indout of their sails. 7rom the above example, HI kno( that you get anxious (hen youre all readyto go and Im not."

96 (tatement of problem"This piece describes your difficultyJdissatisfaction, tells (hy youneed something to change. 7or example, HO but (hen you do that, I get all flustered and takeeven more time. 6y the time (e get in the car, (ere mad at each other and not much in themood to have a good time.H:6 (tatement of 'hat !ou 'ant:This is a specific request for a specific change in the otherpersons behavior. 7or example, H7rom no( on, lets be sure (e kno( (hat time (e (ant toleave, and if youre ready before I am, (ill you please 0ust go to another room and read thepaper or (atch T:5H

/o# to +e effective1% assertive"

Use assertive +od% 1an*ua*e. 7ace the other person, stand or sit straight, dont use

dismissive gestures, be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial expression, keep yourvoice calm and soft, not (hiney or abrasive.

Use ;I; statements. Eeep the focus on the problem youre having, not on accusing or

blaming the other person. 'xample2 HId like to be able to tell my stories (ithoutinterruption.H instead of HMoure al(ays interrupting my storiesNH

Use facts$ not

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!a-e c1ear$ direct$ re7uests. =ont invite the person to say no. 'xample2 H1ill you please

... 5H instead of H1ould you mind O 5H or H1hy dont you O 5H

Admit errors Give and ta-e fair criticism

Give and ta-e comp1ements easi1%

oo- for so1utions (hile dealing (ith a problem P not +eat a+out the +ush6

Specia1 techni7ues for difficu1t situations"

Broken recordEeep repeating your point, using a lo( level, pleasant voice. =ont get pulledinto arguing or trying to explain yourself. This lets you ignore manipulation, baiting, andirrelevant logic. 'xample2 Mou are taking something back to a store that you kno( gives

refunds, but the clerk first questions your decision, tries to imply that theres something (rong(ith you because you changed your mind, tells you that she can only give a store credit, etc.4sing the bro4en record, you (alk into the store and say HI decided I dont need this and Idlike my money back.H Then no matter (hat the clerk says, you keep repeating HI decided Idont need this and Id like my money back.H If she doesnt get it, simply ask to speak to amanager and say the same thing. Trust me, it (orksN

FoggingThis is a (ay to deflect negative, manipulative criticism. Mou agree (ith some of thefact, but retain the right to choose your behavior. 'xample2 Mom HMour skirt is a(fully short,dont you think you should (ear longer skirts5 Theyre the style no(.H )ouHMoure right, skirts

are longer no(.H Agree (ith as much of the facts as you (ant to, but don+t agree to changeyour skirt length. 5oggingis great for avoiding fights and making people stop criticizing. 1ithsignificant others, (hen you need to keep living together, its best to quietly hear them out,then assertively give your response.

ontent to Process (hift2 This means that you stop talking about the problem and bring up,instead, ho( the other person is behaving

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ssertive in9uir! 8 stop action This is similar to the content to process shift. Hets hold itfor a minute, something isnt (orking, (hat 0ust happened5, ho( did (e get into this

argument5H This helps to identify the real issue (hen the argument is actually aboutsomething bigger than the immediate topic.'xample2

Han you help me (ith this statistics problem5

3an, (ill you 0ust get off my back5 Mou kno( ho( much I have to do todayN

1hy is it such a problem to take B% minutes to help me (ith this5 Mou told me last

night that you (ouldN I get so tired of you al(ays asking me to do these things right (hen Im in the middle of

somethingN

1hoa, lets take a break here. @o( did (e get from my stats problem to you beingtired of my interruptions5H The real problem, is not the stats problem, its timing. o( that topic is open for

discussion and theyre becoming a(are of ho( their arguments escalate.

(ummari3ation:This helps to make sure you understand the other person.'xample2 Ho (hat youre trying to tell me is...."

(pecificit! Its really important to be very clear about (hat you (ant done. This helpsprevent distractions.

'xample2 HThe thing I really (ish is that youd pick your clothes up off the floor.H

ne of the most common problems in communications is caused by trying to read peoplesminds or expecting them to read yours. If you (ant people to respond to your ideas andneeds, you have to be able to say (hat they are, and say it in a (ay that (ill make others

(ant to respond nicely. =o you remember the self)efficacy part from the beginning of thispiece5 The belief, that if you do something in a particular (ay, you (ill be effective5 'ven ifyou dont believe that no(, but you muster your courage and try some of these techniques insituations that are not hugely threatening, the results (ill probably be so encouraging that you

(ill begin to believe in your effectiveness. If its really scary to think about being assertive, tryit first (ith people you dont kno(. Think of someone you kno( (ho is assertive and pretendyou are that person. nce you become comfortable (ith assertive behaviors in lessthreatening situations, you can crank it up a notch and use it all the time. 1hen assertivenessbecomes a habit, you (ill (onder ho( you ever got along before you started using it. The


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nicest thing about all of this is that after youve become truly assertive, you probably (ontneed to use these techniques very much. As people practice assertive communication, you

can almost see that little spark of self)respect glimmer, flicker, take hold, and burst into flame.#eople can sense it (hen you respect yourself, and they (ill treat you (ith respect. And thatis the ultimate goal of assertive communication.

CO!!UNICATION ST0ES

Assertion is a style of communication. 1e all have learned different styles of communicationas (e have adapted to the various situations of our lives. If some of our styles ofcommunication do not (ork (ell in our current situation, they can be changed and replaced

(ith ne( behaviors. Though there are times (hen it is best to be passive and times (hen it isbest to be aggressive, in most situations it (orks best to communicate assertively.

='7IITI 8from ange P Lakubo(ski9

Assertion

standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct,

honest, and appropriate (ays that do not violate another person+s rights.

The basic message of assertion is2 !This is (hat I think. This is (hat I feel. This is ho(

I see the situation."

The goal of assertion is communication and mutuality; that is, to get and give respect,

to ask for fair play, and to leave room for compromise (hen the rights and needs oft(o persons conflict.

Passivit%

violating one+s o(n rights by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts, and beliefs

and consequently permitting others to violate oneself or expressing one+s thoughts andfeelings in such an apologetic, diffident, self)effacing manner that others can easilydisregard them.


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The basic message of passivity is !3y feelings don+t matter ) only yours do. 3y

thoughts aren+t important ) yours are the only ones (orth listening to. I+m nothing - youare superior."

The goal of passivity is to appease others and to avoid conflict at any cost.

A**ression

directly standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs

in a (ay that is often dishonest, usually inappropriate, and al(ays violates the rights ofothers.

The basic message of aggression is2 !This is (hat I think ) you+re stupid for believing

differently. This is (hat I (ant ) (hat you (ant is not important. This is (hat I feel -your feelings don+t count.

The goal of aggression is domination and (inning, forcing the other person to lose.

1inning is ensured by humiliating, degrading, belittling, or overpo(ering other peopleso that they become (eaker or less able to express and defend their needs and rights.

I!PORTANCE O& PROCESS

The ma0or impact of interpersonal communication comes not from (hat (e say 8content9 butfrom ho( (e say it 8process9. Assertive content (ith passive process (ill communicatepassivity. ome examples of important process variables include2

Assertion2 =irect but non)invasive eye contact, modulated voice, respect for spatial

boundaries, use of illustrative gestures, an erect but relaxed posture.

Passive2 o eye contact 8or indirect evasive eye contact9, softJ(hinyJor muffled voice,

cringingJor physically making yourself small 8hang)dog posture9, use of nervous orchildish gestures.


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A**ressive"InvasiveJangry staring)eye contact, loud strident voice, invasion of spatial

boundaries, use of aggressive gestures 8parental finger9, stiff, !muscled up", posture,to(ering over others.

E&&ECTS O& BE/A(IOUR

Su+missive or Passive Behaviour"

hort Term effects on self are -

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7e(er initiatives (ill be taken, so that out)dated methods (ill be retained and

opportunities lost.

A**ressive Behaviour"

hort term effects on self are -

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/reater confidence in others.

Improved feelings of personal security

Increased opportunities for all round success

'ffects on others are) 3utual respect bet(een you and others.

/reater chances of acceptance by others.

Increased trust and responsibility by others.

6etter and effective co)operation.

'ffects on organisation 2 6etter negotiation and decision making capabilities.

/reater initiatives at improving situations at (ork

@igh quality and practical solutions to problems.

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?. Assertive (ords accompanied by appropriate assertive !body language" make yourmessage more clear and have more impact.

F. Assertive body language includes2 3aintaining direct eye contact.

3aintaining an erect posture.

peaking clearly and audibly.

ot using a soft, (hiny, or muffled voice.

4sing facial expressions and gestures to add emphasis to your (ords.

BG. Mour communication style is a set of learned behaviors. Assertive behavior is a skill thatcan be learned and maintained (ith practice.

AS'ING &OR BE/A(IOR C/ANGE

ne specific type of assertive behavior is a request for behavior change. 7or example2 Moumay need to ask a room)mate to turn do(n the stereo so you can study. It is necessary torequest that others change behavior that does not (ork, but it is often difficult for people tomake such requests2

B. Mou have a right to ask for behavior change from others. 8They also have the right torefuse.9

C. 1hen you do not ask others to change a problem behavior, you risk allo(ing the behaviorto continue and your relationship to be strained, or (aiting until you are !fed up" and

starting a fight.>.

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%. =emonstrate assertive body language (hen asking for behavior change2 direct eyecontact, erect posture, clear speech.


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!OTI(ATION

motive is an inner state that energi3es, activates, moves, directs, channels behaviourto'ards goals.

)6ernard 6eralson and /ary A teiner.

3otivation is a process that starts (ith a psychological deficiency or need that activates abehaviour or a drive that is aimed at a goal or incentive. eeds set up drives aimed atincentives and feedback is provide to reduce dis)equillibrium.

Needsare created (henever there is a physiological or psychological imbalance.

6rivesor motives are set up to alleviate needs. #hysiological or psychological drives areaction oriented and provide an energizing thrust to(ards reaching an incentiveJgoal. They areat the very heart of the motivational process. The example s of the need for food and (aterare translated into hunger and thirst drives.

oals 8 /ncentives- At the end of the motivational cycle is the goalJincentive, defines asanything that (ill alleviate a need and reduce a drive.

#otives influence behaviour in the follo'ing 'a!s : erve to energize and arouse action

erve as goals J intentions in carrying out 0obsJtasks.

=irect and influence choices people make.

Influence learning of ne( behaviour

@ave a heavy learning component. Are amenable to change through experience (ith

the (ork environment.

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NEEDS

(Deprivation)

DRIVES

(Deprivationwith direction )

)

GOALS

(Reductiondrives)

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T0PES O& !OTI(ES

86 Primar% !otives96 Genera1 !otives

The Curiosit%$ !anipu1ation and Activit% motives

The Affection !otive

:6 Secondar% !otives Po#er !otive

Achievement !otive

Affi1iation !otive

86 Primar% !otives are motives that are unlearned and physiologically based. The mostcommonly recognised primary motives are hunger, thirst, sleep, sex, avoidance of painand maternal concern.

96 Genera1 !otives are a number of motives that lie in the grey area bet(een the primaryand the secondary motives. These motives are unlearned but not physiologically based.1hile primary needs seek to reduce the tension or stimulation, these general needsinduce the person to increase the amount of stimulation. /eneral motives are morerelevant to 6 than primary motives -

The Curiosit%$ !anipu1ation and Activit% motives , It is generally recognised that thesemotives in human beings are quite intense. If these motives are stifled or inhibited, thetotal society might become very stagnant. The same is true in an organizational level.

The Affection !otive 3 ove and affection is a very complex form of general drive. In a(orld (here (e suffer from interpersonal, intra)individual conflict, and (here quality of life,family values, and human rights are becoming increasingly important to modern society,the affection motive takes an added importance in the study of human behaviour.

:6 Secondar% !otives are unquestionably the most important. As a human societydevelops economically and becomes more complex, the primary drives, and to a lesserdegree the general drives, give (ay to the learned secondary drives in motivatingbehaviour. A motive must be learned in order to be included in this category. umerous

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important human motives meet this criterion, but the most important of them are #1'

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#ossessions - (ealth, property

Authority and po(er - formal position.

CO!!UNICATING .IT/ STA'E/ODERS

1ho are the stakeholders 51hy communicate (ith them 5

Times are changing and (e have to change (ith time.orporate communication keeps in touch (ith the stakeholders.

1hat to communicate 5 ) the state of affairs.@o( to ommunicate 5 - mailers, brochures, letters etc.

E=terna1 Sta-eho1ders

B. hareholdersC. The /overnment>. #ublic Institutions - 7inancial Institutions,

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CUTURA CO!!UNICATION

ultureis .attern of basic assum.tions invented, discovered or develo.ed b+ given grou. asit learns to co.e *ith its .roblems of e2ternal ada.tion and internal integration that has*or4ed *ell enough to be considered valid, and, therefore to be taught to ne* members asthe correct *a+ to .erceive, thin4 and feel in relation to the .roblems'

)'dgar chein 2 rganisation ulture and eadership.

ulture is a set of practice and rituals (hich has gained acceptance over a period of time.

CO!PONENTS O& >STRONG? CUTURE

(AUES- 6eliefs and visions of members6

/EROES- tandard bearers (ho exemplify values.

RITES @ RITUAS- eremonies through (hich values are celebrated to strengthen

the importance of values. CUTURA NET.OR'2 A communication system through (hich cultural values are

instituted and reinforced.) 6errence 7eal and Allen 8enned+

Cor.orate Culture 90ites and 0ituals of Cor.orate :ife

RESO(ING CON&ICT T/ROUG/ CO!!UNICATION

Causes of Conf1ict limited resources different needs, drives, (ishes, demands attempts to meet basic needs for personal fulfillment2 belonging)loving, sharing and

cooperating (ith others po(er)achievement, accomplishment, recognition, respectfreedom)personal choice fun)pursuit of pleasure

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different values beliefs priorities principles cultural, social, mental and physicalattributes

other influences media influences culture that accepts violent behavior absence ofconflict resolution J communication skills

Anatom% of a Conf1ict

86 A tri**erin* event occurs6

The offender vie(sJinterprets this as an event that requires him or her to Hsave face.H The triggering event is often trivial; most involve actions such as minor slights, or

teasing, but even these can result in Haggravated assaultH or Hhomicide.H Q A Hcharacter

contestH develops in (hich neither participant (ill back do(n. #articipants seem to accept that conflictJviolence is called for. #articipants often make a deliberate choice to be violent. Invitations or challenges to

fight are offered and accepted. In t(o)thirds of cases, there is agreement to fightbefore the fight begins.

96 ;Openin* moves; are made6

This is the action that starts the violent incident. This action may be taken by thestudent, antagonist or third party. The third party may be bystanders or friends. 3ost

commonly, peers that (ere standing by encouraged the violence or even 0oined in.:ery fe( peers attempted to stop it. @itting is the most common opening move.

:6 Common patterns of events fo11o# the openin* moves6

:ery fe( of the actions that occur after the opening move are attempts to avoid orevade the violence.

:iolence escalates rapidly. ommon behavior2 kicking, biting, hitting (ith a fist are the most common behaviors,

follo(ed by pushing, grabbing, shoving. ommon emotions2 anger is more common than fear, yet seldom given as the excuse

for the fight.

ustifications and E=cuses for &i*htin*

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3ore than ?G percent of students felt their actions (ere 0ustified. ixteen percent of students made an excuse for their actions.

ustifications

B. To restore H0ustice,H retribution, retaliation.

H#unishingH the antagonist for something he or she did 8of all the goals for fighting,retribution is the most common9.

The primary 0ustification given for violence2 H@eJshe deserved it.H

The antagonists guilt is neutralized (hen heJshe feels that the victim Hdeserved it.H omes from an underlying value system in (hich violence is acceptable.

C. To gain compliance

onvincing the antagonist to desist from an offensive course of action.

>. To defend oneself or others.

D. To promote ones image.

6y saving face, defending ones honor, or enhancing or maintaining ones reputation.

E=cuses

7ree (ill (as impaired by anger.

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Mou have a choice. 3ost conflicts offer choices about different actions that can betaken.

Mour choice affects the outcome. The responses of those involved determine theoutcome of the conflict situation. 3ost conflict situations can be resolved so thatneither party is hurt and both parties are satisfied. This is a (in)(in solution.

7ocus on the actual or potentially harmful consequences. Think about a conflict asmore than 0ust a fight or an argument. 1hat is likely to happen as a result of theresponses of both sides5 Is this a harmful or beneficial consequence5

7ocus on the effect of the actions taken during the conflict on the relationship bet(eenthe people involved. 1hy is it important to think about the (ay your response (ill affectyour relationship5 83ost conflicts occur among family members, friends oracquaintances.9

Respondin* to Conf1ict

Soft /ard Princip1ed

'RA3#' of

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met9

Conf1ict Reso1ution throu*h Communication

Communication St%1es

1ithout adequate communication skills, adolescents may be unable to release their feelings.This lack of communication can increase stress and lo(er self)esteem.

There are three styles of communication2

passive assertive aggressive

#assive communication involves the inability or un(illingness to express thoughts andfeelings. #assive people (ill do something they dont (ant to do or make up an excuse ratherthan say ho( they feel.

Assertive behavior involves standing up for oneself. Assertive people (ill say (hat they thinkand stand up for their beliefs (ithout hurting others. The aggressive style of communicationinvolves overreaction, blaming and criticizing. Aggressive people try to get their (ay throughbullying, intimidating or even physical violence. They do not or (ill not consider the rights ofothers.

T%pes of !essa*es

There are t(o types of messages that accompany each style of communication2 nonverbal

and verbal. igns, symbols, posture, body movements, dress, facial expressions andgestures are examples of nonverbal messages. The nonverbal messages reinforce (hat thespeaker is saying. 7or example, passive communicators often have slumped posture and alack of eye contact. Assertive people exhibit erect posture and direct eye contact. 7or(ard)

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leaning posture, pointing and a glaring look are nonverbal signals of aggressivecommunication. The verbal messages for each communication style are very different. #eople

(ho are passive (ill often ask questions to determine (hat others (ant, or they may say, HIdont care.H Assertive communicators use I)messages to say (hat they (ant or need. Theyuse refusal skills to say no (hile maintaining important relationships. #eople (ho areaggressive often use you)statements to blame or criticize.

Components of Assertive Communication

The components of verbal messages for assertive communication include I)messages andrefusals. I)messages state (hat the sender thinks, feels, needs, (ants or believes. Theybegin (ith the (ord I.

'xamples of I)messages2

I (ant to see tar 1ars. I feel angry about the game.

There are a variety of refusal strategies, including2

ay the (ord no firmly.

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#roblems may arise in sending and receiving messages. The sender may (onder2 Am I beingunderstood5 Is (hat I really mean to say getting across5 The receiver may question2 Am I

understanding you5 Am I accurately interpreting (hat you are saying and feeling5 Thesolution lies in checking it out.

#roblems may arise in sending and receiving messages. The sender may (onder2 Am I beingunderstood5 Is (hat I really mean to say getting across5 The receiver may question2 Am Iunderstanding you5 Am I accurately interpreting (hat you are saying and feeling5 Thesolution lies in checking it out.

Active listening is listening (ith the purpose of understanding the message. To be sure thatthe message (as clearly understood, the receiver has to test that understanding. @o( the

listener understands and interprets the message determines the response.

There are t(o steps to active listening. decoding and giving feedback.

Step One3Decodin*2 deciding (hat emotion has been communicated. The listener climbsinto the other persons shoes for a minute to see (here she or he is coming from. The listenermust empathize, be sensitive, imagine (hat the sender feels.

Step T#o3Givin* feedback2 7eedback tests the accuracy of the interpretation. In givingfeedback, the receiver summarizes (hat (as heard and seeks to clarify anything not

understood. If the response indicates that the receiver has interpreted the speaker incorrectly,the speaker can let the receiver kno(.

Active vs6 Passive istenin*

Active listening means listening to understand and testing the understanding of (hat (asheard and observed. It is listening to hear the real meaning behind (hat is said. It meanspaying close attention to the speaker. It means becoming involved in the speakers concern.#assive listening is 0ust hearing everything that is said (ithout responding. Active listening isstopping the sender (hen necessary to be sure you understand (hat has been said andletting senders kno( (hether you have understood (hat they really mean.

Usin* Active istenin* S-i11s

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1hen do you use this skill5

Active listening is used (hen the other person has a problem that doesnt conflict (ith yourneeds, for example, HI realize you have a problem, Id really like to be helpfulO.H

@o( do you use this skill5

=isplay a non)0udgmental attitude. 3ake eye contact. 4se a respectful, interested tone ofvoice. 6e a(are of (hat your body language is saying. 7or example, if you say you areinterested in (hat the speaker has to say, are you ya(ning, thumbing through a magazine,looking out the (indo( (hile he or she is talking or doing other things that make it look likeyoure not really interested5

E=amp1es

3att turns in his math test, returns to his seat, puts his face do(n on the desk and says,H3anN I ble( it.H @is friend Lenn says, HMou feel pretty (orried about your math grade, huh5H

The response, HMou feel pretty (orried about your math grade, huh5H is an example of anactive listening response, (hich sho(s that Lenn has picked up on 3atts feeling. It providesan opening for 3att to talk more about his concern and begin to think about (hat to do aboutit.

An accurate use of active listening skills (ill take the sender to the heart of the problem. Asthe problem becomes clearer, the sender can begin to get over the feelings and focus on

(hat to do.

ample phrases to use for active listening include2

HMou feel...HHIt sounds like youre saying...HHMou (antOH

HMou think...HHMou (ishOH

The active listening process at (ork2 HMou feel pretty (orried about your math grade5H

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1ho Ho(nsH the problem5Identify and give feedback

about the feeling=escribe the facts

Mou feel pretty (orried about your math grade5

Assertiveness S-i11s

1hat is the difference bet(een assertiveness 8confrontation9 and aggressiveness5Assertiveness, or confrontation, means taking the initiative or first steps to deal (ith aproblem in a constructive, self)protective manner. Assertiveness attacks the problem, not the

person.

Aggressiveness attacks the other person rather than the problem. It is a destructive desire todominate another person or to force a position or vie(point on another person; it starts fightsor quarrels.

1hen do you use assertiveness skills5

These skills can be used (hen anothers behavior is not acceptable or (hen continuedHlistening and acceptingH isnt appropriate. #eople often avoid confronting others about their

behavior because they dont (ant to hurt the relationship. @o(ever, avoiding problems maycause bad feelings to build and may result in an explosion or (ithdra(al from the relationship.4sing I)messages to be assertive is constructive, rather than destructive. It helps people deal

(ith problem behavior in a (ay that allo(s the other person to agree to change (hile notdamaging the relationship.

@o( do you use this skill5

The goal is to get other people to change their behavior (ithout putting them do(n or makingthem feel badly to(ard you. Mou may like the person; its a particular behavior of the person

that you dont like. Mour purpose is to address the behavior, not to Hdress do(nH the person.

The Importance of I3messa*es

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I)messages are designed to deal (ith problems. The purpose of an I)message is to expressyour needs. It expresses the attitude HI am not going to give up my needs and Im (illing to

help you meet your needs,H creating a (in)(in situation.

I)messages attempt to deal (ith the problem situation by talking about it in terms of (hat ishappening to me)Ive got a problem. An I)message is disarming. Its hard for someone to saysomething nasty in response to a good I)message. n the other hand, a HyouH messageblames others and puts them on the defensive. Then they (ant to retaliate, to get even.

Steps in Usin* I3!essa*es

There are three parts to delivering an I)message, although sometimes not all three parts are

used.

A description of the +ehavior. 1hat is it the other person is doing that gives you a problem5Mou are describing something to the other person, not blaming her or him for something. I)messages tell others that their behavior is interfering (ith something you need 8not 0ustsomething that you (ant9. /ive the other person a clear idea of (hat he has done (ithoutextra blame or guilt added.

A description of the fee1in* this +ehavior causes %ou . @o( does (hat the other person isdoing affect you5

A description of the effects produced +% the +ehavior . 1hat concrete problem is thebehavior causing you5 If you can help other people see ho( their behavior effects you, thenthey are more likely to change the behavior.

/ints for Successfu1 I3messa*es

6e specific in describing the problem behavior 3ake eye contact 4se a respectful tone of voice, not an aggressive or confrontational tone 6e a(are of (hat your body language is saying)that it is reinforcing (hat your (ords

say.

.hen an I3messa*e Doesnt .or-

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If an I)message isnt (orking, it may be a lousy message. Mes, the (ords may be E, but thetone may be full of blame or rage or disrespect. #ay attention to the non)verbal message. Is

your face red; are your eyes bulging; are you yelling to the top of your voice5 r are you cool,calm and collected5

There is little to be gained by sending an anger message. Try to stop and think about (hy youare so angry. Mou (ill likely find other feelings underneath the anger2 frustration,embarrassment, re0ection, fear, hurt and loneliness. ometimes, an I)message may not (orkif the other person has a strong need to continue her or his behavior. If the other person isupset and out of control, shift gears. Try active listening, change the environment, or let him orher blo( off steam.

I)messages also may not (ork if the other person doesnt agree that the HeffectH on you is areal problem. This is a values collision, (hich occurs often in families.

If there is a conflict of needs, an I)message (ont be enough. Moull need to give up on the I)message and (ork out the conflict (ith some other techniques.

The Conf1ict Reso1ution Process

There are three primary conflict resolution problem)solving processes2

negotiation mediation consensus decision)making

'ach of these processes has similar characteristics, including2

#arties identify their o(n needs and interests. #arties (ork cooperatively to find solutions to meet those needs and interests. #arties stay focused on the problem. #arties (ork cooperatively to find a mutually acceptable solution.

'ach problem)solving process has similar steps2

Agree that you disagree 8agree to negotiate; set the stage9.

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Take turns talking 8gather perspectivesJidentify interests9. . =escribe (hat you (ant, ho( you feel, and the reasons for your (ants and feelings.D. Take the other persons point of vie( and then summarize your understanding of (hat

he or she (ants and feels and the reasons for his or her (ants and feelings.%. Think of several (ays to solve the conflict in a (ay that (orks for both parties 8create

(in)(in options9.K. hoose the best (ay and make an agreement to do it.$. /et outside help if unable to resolve the conflict.

!ediation

H3ediation is a problem)solving process in (hich the t(o parties in the dispute or theirrepresentatives meet face to face to (ork together to resolve the dispute assisted by a neutralthird party called the mediator.H

Consensus Decision3!a-in*

Honsensus decision)making is a group problem)solving process in (hich all of the parties in

the dispute or representatives of each party collaborate to resolve the dispute by crafting aplan of action that all parties can and (ill support. This process may or may not be facilitatedby a neutral party.H

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S-i11s for An*er !ana*ement

.hat Is An*er

Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion. 1eve all felt angerSperhapsas a fleeting annoyance or as a full)fledged rage. 6ut (hen anger gets out of control and

turns destructive, it can lead to problems at (ork, at school, in personal relationships, and inthe overall quality of life.

Si*ns of An*er

ike other emotions, anger is accompanied by bodily changes. 1hen you feel angry, yourheart rate, blood pressure and energy increase.

Causes of An*er

Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. Mou could be angry (ith someone8such as a co(orker or supervisor9 or at an event 8a traffic 0am or a canceled flight9. 1orryingabout personal problems may cause anger, and memories of traumatic or enraging eventsmay trigger angry feelings, too.

Positive .a%s to E=press An*r% &ee1in*s

Mou can+t get rid of or avoid the things or the people that anger you. Mou can+t change themeither. Mou can learn to control your emotions. The three main approaches are !expressing,"!suppressing" and !calming."

E=pressin*your angry feelings in an assertive (ay is the healthiest (ay to expressanger. To do this, you have to learn (hat your needs are, ho( to make them clear, and

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ho( to meet them (ithout hurting others. 6eing assertive doesnt mean being pushy ordemanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.

Suppressin*anger and redirecting it means holding in your anger, stopping thinkingabout it, and focusing on something positive. The aim is to suppress your anger andconvert it into constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if angeris never allo(ed out(ard expression, it may turn in(ard.

Ca1min*yourself do(n inside means not 0ust controlling your out(ard behavior butalso controlling your internal responses, such as taking steps to calm yourself do(nand let the feelings subside.

Other Tips for Contro11in* An*er

Use re1a=ation66reathe deeply; think calm thoughts; stretch; go for a brisk (alk. Chan*e the #a% %ou thin-6Tell yourself positive things. earn to pro+1em so1ve6 Tr% to communicate +etter64se I)messages and other assertiveness techniques. Use humor #hen appropriate6 Chan*e %our environment6Take a break from troublesome situations.

Approaches to Conf1ict Reso1ution

There are at least three approaches to resolving conflicts peacefully2

1in)1in Approach reative

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1hat are your needs here5 1hat values are important to you5

1hat are the outcomes or results you (ant5 1hat seems like the best solution to you5 1hy5

The (in)(in approach also requires2

recognition of individual differences flexibility openness to change positions or vie(points attack of the problem, not the people

The (in)(in approach (orks because both parties get more of (hat they (ant and they arecommitted to the solution.

Creative Response

=o you see conflict as a problem or opportunity5 If you see conflict as a problem, you may tellyourself things such as !ife is hard (ork," !I have to be right," !3istakes are unacceptable,"or !=ont take any chancesN"

The creative response is about turning conflicts into opportunities. It is deciding to learn from

conflicts, doing something about conflicts 8instead of sticking (ith the problems9, and gettingthe best out of conflict situations. 1ith this response, you think2

@o( else can I look at this situation5 1hat are the possibilities5 1hat opportunities can this bring5 I+ll take a risk. 'verything is a success.

1ith the creative response, conflicts are not about !right" or !(rong."

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=ifferent perspectives about problems are inevitable. 'veryone has a different vie(pointabout a problem 8and often (e think our vie(point is the !right" one9. 6ut if (e broaden our

perspective and look at other people+s vie(points, (e see that each one makes a contributionto the (hole. 'ach vie(point requires consideration and respect in order to form a completesolution. In fact, this (ider vie( opens our eyes to many more possibilities. In this (ay, someconflicts can be resolved by taking a different perspective. /uidelines for this approachinclude2

Consider ho# the pro+1em #i11 1oo- over a 1on* period of time6 The longer timeframe can help people be more realistic about the size of the problem.

Assume a +road perspective6 ook at the overall system 8the family, group,community, etc.9 and consider (hat it needs in order to (ork (ell.

Dea1 #ith resistance to the +roader perspective6Assuming a broader perspectivemay be scary. #eople may feel less certain of the rightness of their o(n case. Theymay have to give up the security they got from the simple (ay they used to see theproblem. They may need courage to enter the confusion of complexity. 3any of thesefears prove ungrounded once they are carefully analyzed.

Be open to the idea of chan*in* and ris-3ta-in*6 1hen people take a broaderperspective, they may be confronted (ith the enormity of the difficulties. Identify (hatone person can do to affect a particular problem, even if it is only a small step in theright direction. ne step for(ard changes the dynamics and ne( possibilities may

open up.

0opics on ;and (hakes, Presentation (kills and #emos , etter Writing and orporateommunication $ refer lass notes

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