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Hairspray Music: Marc Shaiman Lyrics: Marc Shaiman, Scott Wittman Book: Thomas Meehan, Mark O'Donnell Premiere: Thursday, August 15, 2002 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------ACT I PROLOGUE: BALTIMORE, JUNE 1962 1. GOOD MORNING BALTIMORE TRACY

Oh, oh, oh Acordei hoje Sentindo-se do jeito que eu sempre fao Oh, oh, oh Com fome de algo Que eu no posso comer Ento eu escuto aquela batida O ritmo da cidade Comea a me chamar como uma mensagem de Bem acima Oh, oh, oh Puxando-me para fora Para os sorrisos e as Ruas que eu amo TRACY (& ENSEMBLE) Bom dia Baltimore Cada dia como uma porta aberta Toda noite uma fantasia Cada som como uma sinfonia Bom dia Baltimore E algum dia quando eu tomar o cho acordar O mundo vai para cima e verBaltimore e eu Oh, oh, oh Olha o meu cabelo O "fazer" pode comparar comigo hoje? Oh, oh, oh, Eu tenho o meu laqu e rdio Estou pronto para ir Os ratos na rua Todas as danas em volta dos meus ps Eles parecem dizer "Tracy, isso depende de voc"

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Ento, oh, oh No me segurar Porque hoje todos os meus sonhos vo se realizar Bom diaBaltimore H o pisca-pisca que mora ao lado H o vagabundo em seu banquinho de bar Eles me desejem sorte no meu caminho para a escola Bom dia Baltimore E algum diaquando eu tomar o cho acordar O mundo vai para cima e ver Baltimore e eu Eu sei que cada passo Eu sei todas as msicas Eu sei que h um lugar onde eu perteno Eu vejotodas aquelas luzes brilhando frente do partido Ento, algum me convidar Antes de eu cair morto! ENSEMBLE Antes que ela cai morto! TRACY (& ENSEMBLE) Ento, oh, oh Me d uma chance Porque quando eu comeo a danar, eu sou uma estrela de cinema Oh, oh,oh Algo dentro de mim que me faz mover Quando ouo o sulco Minha me me diz que no Mas meus ps me ir! como uma bateria dentro do meu corao Oh, oh, oh No me faa espemais um momento de minha vida para comear ... ENSEMBLE Bom dia, bom dia Esperandoa minha vida para iniciar TRACY (& ENSEMBLE) Eu te amo Baltimore Cada dia comouma porta aberta Toda noite uma fantasia Cada som como uma sinfonia

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E eu prometo Baltimore Que algum dia, quando Eu vou para o cho acordar O mundo vai para cima e ver Vamos acordar e ver Baltimore e eu ... ENSEMBLE Sim, mais ou menos We All Agree TRACY Baltimore e eu ... ENSEMBLE Algum dia o mundo Vai ver TRACY Baltimore e eu!SCENE 1: TV STATION / TRACYS 2. THE NICEST KIDS IN TOWN CORNY Hey there, TeenageBaltimore! Don't change that channel! 'Cause it's time for the Corny Collins Show! Brought to you by Ultra Clutch Hairspray! CORNY (& COUNCIL MEMBERS) Ev'ry afternoon When the clock strikes four (bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba) A crazy bunch of kids Crash through that door (bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba) They throwoff their coats And leave the squares behind And then they shake it, shake it, shake it Like they're losing their mind You'll never see them frown 'Cause they're the nicest kids in town Every afternoon You turn your T.V. on (na, na, na, na,na, na-na-na-na) And we know you turn the sound up When your parents are gone,yeah

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(na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na-na) And then you twist and shout For your favoritestar And once you've practiced every step That's in your repertoire You bettercome on down And meet the nicest kids in town (Running from school to Tracys house) TRACY Hurry Penny, hurry, the shows already started! Were gonna miss it! PENNYIm hurrying, Tracy, but my mother says Im not allowed to perspire! TRACY Cmon! (Back at Tracys house. Edna and Prudy are talking.) PRUDY Edna, is my laundry ready?EDNA Who wants to know? Sure is hon. Come on up. That will be three dollars. PRUDY Thats pretty pricely for a few pairs of pettipants. EDNA Im sorry, Prudy Pingleton, but there were some extra charges. Some of your personal stains required pounding on a rock. (Tracy and Penny enter). TRACY Im home! EDNA Four oclock. GuessI dont need to ask who got detention again. Tracy Turnblad, mind your manners andsay hello to our guest. TRACY Hello, Mrs. Pingleton. EDNA And you, Penny? PENNYHello Mrs. Pingleton... I mean... mother. EDNA

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Teenagers. They just love watching that Corny Collins. PRUDY Delinquents. It aintright dancing to that colored music. EDNA Dont be silly, it aint colored, the TVsblack and white. (Prudy exits shaking her head in disapproval). PRUDY Penny Pingleton, come back before I kill your grandmother, yesterday it was almost too late... PENNY Yes mother, just keep away from the knives this time... PRUDY Yeah yeah... and remember... you keep away from any kind of race expresion... PENNY YesMom. CORNY Nice white kids Who like to lead the way And once a month We have our "negro day!" And i'm the man who keeps it spinnin' round Mr. Corny Collins With the latest, greatest Baltimore sound!! So every afternoon Drop everything (bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba) Who needs to read and write When you can dance andsing? (bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba) Forget about your algebra And calculusYou can always do your homework On the morning bus Can't tell a verb from a nounThey're the nicest kids in town Roll Call!! COUNCIL MEMBERS I'm Amber! Brad! Tammy! Fender!

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Brenda! Sketchy! Shelley! I.Q. Lou Ann! And I'm...LINK! (All of the girls scream.) TRACY Oh Link! Kiss me again and again! EDNA Turn that racket down. Im tryingto iron in here. CORNY (& COUNCIL MEMBERS) So, if every night you're shaking Asyou lie in bed (mony-mony, ooh, mony-mony) And the bass and drums Are pounding in your head (mony-mony, ooh, mony-mony) Who cares about sleep When you can snooze in School? They'll never get to college But they sure look cool Don't need a cap and a gown 'Cause they're the nicest Kids in town They're the nicest. NicestThey're the nicest, nicest They're the sugar 'n' spicest, The nicest kids in...Kids in town! CORNY And that was our new dance of the week, the stricken chicken.Well be right back. (Lights shift in the TV studio). VELMA And were off! All right, people, how many times do I have to tell you? We do not pick our noses, whileon camera. And Tammy that thing is horrible, lose it. You too, Fender. (The kidssadly turn away to remove their padding). And Link, stop hogging the camera; youre not Elvis yet. Amber... hog the camera. AMBER Yes, mother.

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VELMA And you, Mr Collins! None of that Detroit sound today. You have somethingagainst good music? CORNY The kids are just over the moon for rhythm and blues,Velma. They cant get enough. VELMA Theyre kids, Corny. Thats why we have to steer them in the white direction... I mean... you know what I mean. LINK Amber, Ive gotsomething for you. (Offers his ring). I figured, since weve been going togethersort of... steadily... maybe we should make it official. AMBER Oh, Link. Your Council Member ring. How sweet. And it matches my hair color exactly! VELMA Ah, ah, ah! None of that! Save your personal lives for the camera! And were back in five, four, three... CORNY Now dont forget, guys and Gidgets, our very first prime time spectacular is coming up on June 6th . Well be live at Baltimores brand new Eventorium broadcasting nationwide! Talent scouts will arrive from all of the major record labels, and sponsoring the event will be none other than our Ultra Clutch Hairspray. So, lets give a great big fawning Baltimore salute to the Presidentof Ultra Clutch, Mr. Spritzer. SPRITZER Ultra clutch is happy to bring you fineyoungsters to national attention. ALL Our big break! CORNY Also live on the special, well be crowning your choice for Miss Teenage Hairspary 1962! AMBER My bigbreak! (Back at Tracys) EDNA Well, isnt she a lovely slim girl. TRACY I guess Ambers pretty but she cant dance. PENNY Plastic little spastic.

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TRACY Oh no! Im gonna kill myself. Look! Shes wearing Links council ring! AMBER (Reading from a cue card) Hey, gang, dont forget to watch Mom and me next Thursday on Mother-Daughter Day. And I want to be your Miss Teenage Hairspray. Remember, avote for me from you is a vote for me. CORNY What an unexpected ad lib., Amber.And speaking of expecting the unexpected, our own fun loving, freewheeling Brenda will be taking a leave of absence from the show. How long will you be gone Brenda? BRENDA Nine months. CORNY So, it seems well have an opening for a girl whois just as fun loving, but maybe not quite as freewheeling. Wanna be one of thenicest kids in town? Cut school tomorrow and come on down to station WZZT to audition! TRACY Ohmigod! Its the drean of a lifetime. I have to go audition. PENNY Ohmigod! Its the dream of a lifetime. I have to go watch you audition. EDNA (turning off the TV) Thatll be enough of that for one day. No one is auditioning for anything. Therell be no cutting school in this house. PENNY But Mrs. Turnblad... EDNA Penny, go tell your mother she wants you. PENNY She does? I better hurry. ByeMrs. Turnblad, bye Tracy. (Penny bumps Wilbur as he enters). WILBUR Whoa! Rushhour traffic! Hiya ladies. Since I got that new shipment of exploding bubble gum, business downstairs is booming! How are my two funny honeys? EDNA Oh, stop Wilbur. Youre the funny one. TRACY Daddy, tomorrow Im auditioning to dance on a TV show. EDNA

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Youre going to have to go further than that to get around me, young lady. No onesauditioning for anything. And what did I tell you about that hair? All ratted uplike a teenaged Jezebel. TRACY Mother, you are so fifties. Even our first lady,Jackie B. Kennedy rats her hair. EDNA Yeah? Well, you aint no first lady, are ya? Shes a hair hopper, thats what got her put in detention again. (Taking Wilbur aside). Wilbur, talk to her- Girls like Tracy... people like us... you know what Imsaying. They dont put people like us on TV, except to be laughed at. WILBUR Tracy, this TV thing... you really want it? TRACY Its my dream, Daddy. WILBUR Then you go for it! This is America, babe. You gotta think big to be big. EDNA Being big is not the problem Wilbur. WILBUR When I was oyur age my parents begged me torun away with the circus, but I said, No, thats what you want. I have dreams of myown. I dreamt of opening a chain of joke shops worldwide. So, okay, Ive still gotonly one, but someday, if I can figure out how to keep the air from leaking outof my sofa sized Whoopee Cushion, Im going to make a noise heard round the world! (Edna screams with delight) You follow your dream, baby. Im grabinan orange crush and heading back to the shop... I got my dream and I wuv it! EDNA Youre not helping Wilbur! TRACY Thanks Daddy. EDNA Tracy, come back up here. Ive got hampers of laundry ans my diet pill is wearing off. TRACY But Mamma I want to be famous.EDNA You want to be famous? Learn how to get blood out of a car upholstery. Nowthats a skill you could take right to the bank. You think I wanted to spend my life washing and ironing other peoples clothing? No, I wanted to design them. I thought I would be the biggest thing in brassieres. Well, you deal with what life gives you. Now start folding. TRACY Ugh.

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SCENE 2: PENNYS / TRACYS / AMBERS (At Penny and Prudys House). PENNY But Mom, all Iwas doing was watching Corny Collins over at Tracys. PRUDY Didnt I forbid you fromlistening to race music? Oh, if the police ever locate your father hell punish you good. (At Amber and Velmas House). VELMA Your dancing was atrocious yoday, Amber. Im willing to lie, cheat, and steal to win you that Miss Hairspray crown, butyouve got to work with me. Now let me at that zit! (At Tracys House). EDNA Stop!Thats no way to treat clean clothes. One day youll own Ednas Ocidental Laundry Wilou be ready? TRACY I hope not. 3. MAMA, I'M A BIG GIRL NOW PRUDY Don't contradict me! VELMA Don't disobey me! EDNA Don't even think about going to that audition. TRACY, PENNY & AMBER Please! MOMS No! 3 GIRLS Mother!!!! MOMS Stop!

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PENNY Stop telling me what to do MOMS Don't! AMBER Don't treat me like a child of two MOMS No! TRACY I know that you want what's best MOMS Please! TRACY But mother, please, GIRLS Give it a rest!!! ALL Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! Mama. I'm a big girl now! TRACY Once upon atime when I was just a kid You never let me do iust what the older kids did Butlose that laundry list of what you won't allow GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girlnow AMBER Once upon a time I used to play with toys But now i'd rather play around with teenage boys So, if I get a hickey, please don't have a cow GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now PENNY Ma, I gotta tell you that without a doubt I getmy best dancing lessons from you You're the one who taught me how to "twist andshout" Because you shout non-stop And you're so twisted too! Wo -oh -oh -oh -oh

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TRACY Once I used to fidget 'Cause I just sat home AMBER But now i'm just like gidget And I gotta get to rome! PENNY So say, arrivederci! TRACY Toodle-loo! AMBER And ciao! GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now ALL Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! GIRLS Mama, i'm a big girl now(hey mama, say mama) TRACY Once upon a time I was a shy young thing Could barelywalk and talk so much as dance and sing But let me hit that stage, I wanna takemy bow GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now AMBER Wo - oh - oh - oh - oh Onceupon a time I used to dress up 'ken' But now that i'm a woman, I like bigger menAnd I don't need a barbie doll to show me how GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girlnow GIRLS Ma, you always taught me What was right from wrong And now I iust wanna give it a try Mama, i've been in the nest for far too long So please give a push and mama watch me fly AMBER Watch me fly

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GIRLS Hey, mama, say mama PENNY Someday I will meet a man You won't condemn AMBER And we will have some kids And you can torture them TRACY But let me be a starBefore I take that vow GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now PENNY Oh - Oh - OhGIRLS Mama, i'm a big girl now AMBER Hey - Hey - Hey GIRLS Mama, i'm a big girlAMBER Ooh, such a big, big girl! GIRLS I'm a big girl now ALL Stop! Don't! No!Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! N01 please! GIRLS Mama, i'm a biggirl now!!! SCENE 3: THE AUDITION LOU ANN Thats it Mrs. Von Tussle. She was the last candidate. VELMA Really? Thats all? Who would ve guessed that Baltimore girlswere all so horrible? My, how this town has gone downhill since I was crowned Miss Baltimore Crabs.

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(Tracy & Penny enter, running, out of breath). TAMMY Oh wait Mrs. Von Tussle, itseems we have another downhill girl to audition. TRACY Phew! I thought wed neverget here. Stupid bus crash! PENNY All my life I imagined what this place wouldlook like. This isnt it. TRACY Hi there. Am I too late to audition? VELMA Not toolate, dear. Just too much PENNY Tracy! Look, its Link! TRACY Link Larkin. So near, and yet so gorgeous. LINK (hes talking to Fender) I know, those girls were allover me. I dont know how Rock Hudson stands it. (He walks right into Tracy). Excuse me, little darling, I hipe I didnt mess your do. (Everyone freezes except Tracy and Penny). 4. I CAN HEAR THE BELLS TRACY I can hear the bells PENNY Tracy, are you all right? TRACY Well, don'tcha hear them chime? PENNY I don't hear anything. TRACY Can't 'cha feel my heartbeat keeping perfect time? And all because he... Touched me He looked at me and stared, yes he Bumped me My heart was unprepared when he Tapped me And knocked me off my feet One little touch Now my life's complete 'cause when he

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Nudged me Love put me in a fix, yes it Hit me Just like a ton of bricks, yes myHeart burst Now I know what life's about One little touch And love's knocked meout and, TRACY (& ENSEMBLE) I can hear the bells My head is spinning I can hearthe bells Something's beginning Everybody says That a girl who looks like me Can't win his love Well, just wait and see 'cause I can hear the bells Just hear them chiming I can hear the bells My temp'rature's climbing I cant contain my joy'Cause I fin'ly found the boy I've been missin' Listen! I can hear the bells Round one He'll ask me on a date and then Round two I'll primp, but won't late because Round three's When we kiss inside his car Won't go all the way But i'll go pretty far! And then, Round four He'll ask me for my hand and then Round five We'll book the wedding band so by Round six Amber, much to your surprise This heavyweight champion Takes the prize and... I can hear the bells My ears are ringingI can hear the bells The bridesmaids are singing

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Everybody says Thet a guy who's such a gem Won't look my way Well, the laugh's on them 'cause I can hear the bells My father will smile I can hear the bells Ashe walks me down the aisle My mother starts to cry But I can't see 'cause Link and I Are french kissin' Listen! I can hear the bells I can hear the bells My head is reeling I can hear the bells I can't stop the pealing Everybody warns Thathe won't like what he'll see But I know that he'll look Inside of me yeah, I canhear the bells Today's just the start 'cause I can hear the bells And 'til death do us part And even when we die We'll look down from up above Remembering thenight That we two fell in love We both will share a tear And he'll whisper as we're reminiscin' Listen! I can hear the bells ENSEMBLE She can hear the bells TRACY I can hear the bells ENSEMBLE She can hear the bells TRACY I can hear the bells ENSEMBLE

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Bong, bong, bong, bong! AMBER And what are you doing here? TRACY I came to audition for Corny. My name is Tracy Turnblad. And, like you, I go to Patterson ParkHigh... SHELLEY Yes, Ive seen you. AMBER Who could miss her? Arent you usually indetention about now? TRACY I cut school to come down here. Isnt that too cool? Ima little nervous, can I start over. I assure youll calm down, right after I havea heart attack! 5. (THE LEGEND OF) MISS BALTIMORE CRABS TRACY Well, I brought myown '45s,' so if you put 'em on, I'll show you my stuff! LOU ANN Haven't you already shown us enough? {The Council Girls snicker.) VELMA Oh my god How times have changed This girl's either blind Or completely deranged Ah, but time seemed to halt When I was "Miss Baltimore Crabs" TRACY Its been my childhood dream to dance on this show! AMBER Well, maybe you oughta go back to sleep! Childhood dreamsFor me were cracked When that damn shirley temple Stole my frickin' act But thecrown's in the vault From when I won "Miss Baltimore Crabs" Those poor runner-ups Might still hold some grudges They padded their 'cups' But I screwed the judges

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Those broads thought they'd win If a plate they would spin in their dance Not achance! Cause I hit the stage Batons ablaze While belting high 'c's And preparing souffles! But that triple somersault Was how I clinched "Miss Baltimore Crabs"! VELMA Proceed... TAMMY Are you scared we're on live? TRACY No, I'm sure I cancope! AMBER Well, this show isn't broadcast in... COUNCIL GIRLS ...Cinemascope!VELMA I never drank one chocolate malt No, no desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs" SHELLEY How many sweaters do you own? TRACY Well, I'm sure I've got plenty Let's see, I have three...five?... Wait, I have twenty!! VELMA I would say 'oy gevalt' If I wasn't "Miss Baltimore Crabs"! A tycoon I wed So cuddly and funny The old fart dropped dead But left tons of money So I bought this station VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS So all of the nation Could see VELMA Baby amber and me!

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AMBER Do you dance like you dress? LINK Amber, there's no need to be cruel! VELMA Would you swim in an integrated pool? (The Council Members gasp.) TRACY I surewould. I'm all for integration, it's The New Frontier! VELMA Not in Baltimore it isn't! And may I be frank? First impressions can be tough And when I saw you,I knew it If your size weren't enough Your last answer just blew it! And so, mydear, so short and stout You'll never be "in" VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS So we're kicking you out! VELMA You can't get past me kid But it isn't your fault VELMA & COUNCIL MEMBERS It's hard to get rid of "Miss Baltimore... VELMA ...Crabs!" You may go. TRACY Um... thank you? PENNY Gee Tracy, that went well! (Lorraine comes in). LORRAINE Hello Ma'am, may I please audition? VELMA

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No, but you can bow and exalt! 'Cause I was "Miss Baltimore... VELMA & THE COUNCIL MEMBERS ...Crabs"! Crabs, Crabs!!! SCENE 4: DETENTION TRACY Why do they haveto be so mean? Will they give me a chance? Encouragement? Appreciation? No, allI ever hear is... PRINCIPAL Tracy Turnblad, once again your monumental hair do has seriously obstructed everyones view of the blackboard. As Principal of Patterson Park High, I condemn you to three more days of detention! TRACY Detention! Isthere no pity for a teen just trying to fit in? SEAWEED Maybe you shouldnt try so hard? TRACY Excuse me. You get detention just about every time I do, and Ive never seen you complain. SEAWEED Its how I use my blues. DUANE Use them blues honey! You gotta use them to lose them. TRACY Hey, that moves swift. SEAWEED The man can dine me on a diet of detention so long as he dont starve me of my tunes. Heresa little something that says: Hello, my name is Seaweed... TRACY Thats unbelievable. Can I do that? SEAWEED I dont know... can you? TRACY Hello, my name is TracyTurnblad. STOOIE Hey! Not bad for a white girl. SEAWEED

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Aint no black and white here... detention is a rainbow experience. TRACY Oh! Whatsthat step? SEAWEED Oh this? I call it the hottie... I use it to attract the opposite sex... Good girl! You almost have it! TRACY Oh my God! Ive just realized whoyou are. Ive seen you dance on Negro Day. LORRAINE Of course you have... his momhosts the show! TRACY Your Mom is Motormouth Maybelle, the DJ? That makes you like... royalty! Negro day is the best! I wish every day was negro day. SEAWEED Atour house it is. TRACY Wait! Corny Collins is hosting an important Dance tomorrow night, maybe if he saw me dancing like this with you hed put me on his show...SEAWEED Cool! LORRAINE Thatcould work... STOOIE & DUANE Yeaah! You can do it girl! SEAWEED So how do you feel about detention now? TRACY Im a bad, bad girl who needs to be punished! (They all begin to dance) PRINCIPAL Smiling, laughing and dancing in detention? Tracy Turnblad! Im putting you in Special Ed. TRACY SpecialEd? What do you do in special Ed? STOOIE Musicals! ALL Wah-hoo!!!

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SCENE 5: THE MADISON DANCE CORNY Hey there you young dancers! Im honored to be your guest DJ here at PHP ... So with no further ado-do, lets do do some dancing. Its the hottest dance arround and it was born right here in Baltimore! Whats it called kids! STUDENTS The Madison Dance! CORNY And where did you see it first? STUDENTS The Corny Collins Show! CORNY Its Madison time! Go! (The music starts. Theyall start dancing) TRACY Hurry Seaweed! The dance has already started! SEAWEED All right but remember, you gotta dance with your crowd ans I gotta dance with mine. TRACY O look! Its the Madison, my favourite! SEAWEED You keep your eye on Corny. This could be your big chance! TRACY Then youd better keep an eye on me. CORNY Now when I say hit it! Show me a big bad Baltimore box... Hit it! LORRAINE Whydo we always have to dance at the back? SEAWEED I dont know... its just the way it is. CORNY When I say hit it, take it to the basket! Hit it! Amber, who is yourfriend... shes like a breath of fresh mountain air! AMBER You got the mountain part right! CORNY Now when I say hit it, lets take a drive doen Druid Hill... Hitit!! Hang a right... feed the monkey... hes in the back seat.

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LINK Hey little darling... havent we met somewhere? TRACY Link Larkin actually spoke to me. Ill never wash this ear again! (They continue dancing. Tracy is dancing near Corny) TRACY Hi Corny! CORNY Hey Cupcake! Whats your name? TRACY (as she does the my name is dance) Im Tracy Turnblad. CORNY What else have you got hiding inthose Buster Browns? TRACY Well... heres one I learnt in detention... its the Hotties step. I use it to attract the opposite sex. SEAWEED Hey hey hey! Check her out everybody! (Tracy does the step, and everybody join in). LINK That girls as free as the wind. AMBER Everybody stop liking her! CORNY All right everYbody, lets take it home! Crazy! And that, Baltimorians, is how we do the Madison! Blackout.SCENE 6: TRACY AT THE CORNY COLLINS SHOW / TRACYS HOME CORNY Hey there teenage Baltimore! Youre just in time for The Corny Collins Show! Todays jam-packed editionwill include Limk Larkin singins a special request Top 40 hit: It takes Two. Solet the Party begin!

(At Tracys Home)

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PENNY Hurry Miz Turnblad! Hurry, Mr. Turnblad! Come see whats on TV. WILBUR PennyPingleton, this better be important. PENNY It is! EDNA Oh no! Dont tell me yourmother is on 8 oclock news... again. Last week she was claming there was an alienin her back yard. PENNY Oh no! I already put my grandmother inside the house. This is something else... come! 6. NICEST KIDS IN TOWN (reprise) ALL Roll Call!!COUNCIL MEMBERS I'm Amber! Brad! Tammy! Fender! Brenda! Sketch! Shelley! I.Q. Lou Ann! And I'm... Tracy! (All of the girls scream.) CORNY So, if every night you're shaking As you lie in bed WILBUR, EDNA & PENNY Go Tracy! Go, go Tracy! And the bass and drums Are pounding in your head Who cares about sleep When you can snooze in School? They'll never get to college But they sure look cool Don't needa cap and a gown 'Cause they're the nicest Kids in town They're the nicest. Nicest They're the nicest, nicest They're the sugar 'n' spicest,

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The nicest kids in... Kids in town! CORNY Yeah! And that was our dance of the week: The hottie, introduced to you by our brand new Council Member, Miss Tracy Turnblad. EDNA Oh! My word! Tracy! Live in our own living room! WILBUR I think Ive seen her before. PENNY And shes going to be a regular. EDNA Imagine, my little girl.. regular at last! PENNY Hi Tracy! Its me Penny! EDNA She cant hear you. (The phone rings and she answers it). EDNA Hello... yes, this is her childhood home... no Im not her father. CORNY So lets wave a wistful bye bye to Brenda... see you next year. ALL Awwwww... CORNY ... and inaugurate the newest member of our councilTracy Turnblad! Cozy up to old Corny and tell is about yourself Trrrrace! TRACYWell, I go to Patterson Park High, I watch your show, and I do absolutely nothing else. CORNY And if you were president, what would your first official act be?TRACY Well, Id make everyday Negro Day! VELMA & SPRITZER Whaaaaaat! (He runs offin terror, she follows him). CORNY So... what do you say kid! Looks like we might just have a hot new candidate for Miss

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Teenage Hairspray! AMBER No, she cant be MissHairspray! Shes the before in the Metrcal diet ad, and Im the after... and afters always win! CORNY Amber... what a comedian! So, Tracy, how would you like Link Larkin to sing s song just for you? AMBER No! He cant because everyone knows that whenever he sings, hes singing to ME. Hescompletely involved with ME... see? CORNY Right, so Tracy, tell us how would you like Link Larkin to sing s song just for you? TRACY Would I? Would I? AMBER You people are ignoring the laws of nature! CORNY Link Larkin, our own Elvis, willnow sing to the equaly blooming Tracy Turnblad his version of this weeks top 40hit, It takes two. AMBER Mother! 7. IT TAKES TWO CHOIR ???, ???, ???, ???, ??? ???, ???, ???, ??? It takes two ???.???, ???, ???.???, ??? Doo doo, wop! LINK Theysay it's a man's world Well, that cannot be denied But what good's a man's worldWithout a woman by your side And so I will wait Until that moment you decide LINK & CHOIR That i'm your man And you're my girl That i'm the sea And you're thepearl It takes two, baby, It takes two

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Doo doo - wop! LINK A king ain't a king Without the pow'r behind the throne A prince is a pauper. Babe, Without a chick to call his own So please, darling, choose me I don't wanna rule alone Tell me, LINK & GUYS I'm your king And you're myqueen That no one else Can come between It takes two, baby, It takes two CHOIR Don't you know LINK Lancelot had guinevere Mrs. Claus has old st. Nick Romeo hadjuliet And liz, well, she has her dick They say it takes two to tango Well, thattango's child's play So take me to the dance floor And we'll twist the night away Just like frankie avalon Had his favorite mouseketeer I dream of a lover, babe, To say the things 1 long to hear So come closer baby, Oh and whisper in my ear TRACY (in anything but a whisper) Yeah! LINK TRACY That you're my girl I'm your girl And i'm your boy You're my boy That you're my pride You're my pride And i'm your joy I'm your joy That i'm the sand I'm the sand And you're the tide You're the tide I'll be the groom Be the groom If you'll be my bride I'll be your bride It takes two, baby, It takes two It takes two It takes two LINK

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It takes two, baby TRACY & LINK It takes two CHOIR ...Two - oo - ???! SPRITZER Negro Day everyday? Thay chubby communist girl... I assure you. Controversy is not what Ultra Clutch wishes to promote. CORNY Negroes and chubby girls buy hairspray too, Mr. Spritzer. SPRITZER Mrs. Von Tussle, how do you plan to handle this?VELMA I plan to start by firing him! CORNY You cant fire Corny Collins from theCorny Colins Show. VELMA Why not? They do it all the time on Lassie! CORNY MR. Spritzer. To keep the audience you got to keep up with the times. VELMA This showsfine the way it is. CORNY Bringing Tracy on is just the beggining. Ive got terrific ideas for updating the show. SPRITZER Im getting one of my sick headaches. Ineed to lie down. (He leaves). VELMA So youve got ideas, do you? And going behindmy back to put this no-talent fattie on the show is one of them? CORNY Damn right Velma. Its time we put kids on the show who look like kids who watch the show.VELMA Not while Im producing it. CORNY Maybe its time to change that, too. VELMAAre you threatening me Collins?

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CORNY Aw! You know me Velma! On the other hand, I could always take the show tochannel 11. Blackout. SCENE 7: TRACYS HOME - CITY EDNA (tired from hours on the phone) Yes. Thank you so much!... Im sure Tracy appreciates your vote for Miss Teenage Hairspray. Yes! And she loves you too. Very much. Whoever you are. Goodbye!(The phone rings again). This is crazy. Hello? What am I wearing? A housecoat,scuffies and Supphose. What are you wearing? Hello? Hello? TRACY (bursting in exitedly) Mama did you see? Did you see me? EDNA Of course I did. It was on television. I had to. The phones been ringing like he was a telethon. To think, the fruit of my womb, a beloved TV icon. TRACY So you are not mad? EDNA Mad? How couldI be mad? Youre famous! If youd only told me you was going to get on the show, I never would have said you couldnt. But sit... tell me, i fame all you thought it would be? Are you happy honey? TRACY Yes Mama, and I think Im in love. EDNA I know. Ive been following. But you and I are going to have a talk about boys. You canlearn a lot from the mistakes of the women on soap-operas. (Phone rings). Thereit goes again. TRACY Hello? Yes... this is Tracy Turnblad. Hello Mr. Pinky. EDNAMr. Pinky? THE Mr. Pinky? As in Mr. Pinkys Quality Clothes for Quantity Girls? TRACY You want to hire me as your exclusive spokesgirl and fashion effigy? (to Edna) Whats an effigy? Thats very flattering, but I'm afraid all business must go through my agent... it would be our pleasure. Well be right over, Mr. Pinky. Goodbye! (She hangs up the phone). EDNA An agent! I dont know any agents. How about a nice bail bondsman? TRACY Mother, put that thing down. I'm taking my new agent toMr. Pinkys Shop, and then out on the town.

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EDNA Who? Me Tracy Turnblad, fame has gone into your head and left you wacky. Hon... Ill be right beside you, if thats what you want, and together we can claw your way to the top. But cant we do it over the phone? I havent been out of this appartment since... since... Ive neer been out of this appartment! 8. WELCOME TO THE60'S TRACY Hey mama hey mama, Look around Everybody's groovin' to a brand new sound Hey mama hey mama, Follow me 1 know something's in you That you wanna set free So let so, go, go of the past now Say hello to the love in your heart Yes, 1know that the world's spinning fast now You gotta get yourself a brand new startTRACY, DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Hey mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Go mama, go, go, go! DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Heymama Yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah TRACY Hey mama, hey mama, Take my hand EDNA First let's make a pit stop At the wiener stand TRACY Hey mama, hey mama, Take a chance EDNA Oh Tracy, it's been years Since someone asked me to dance

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TRACY So let go, so, go of the past now Say hello to the light in your eyes Yes,I know that the world's Spinning fast now But you gotta run the race To win theprize TRACY, DYNAMITES &, ENSEMBLE Hey mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Go mama, go, go, go! DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Hey mama Yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah (Tracy & Edna arrive at Mr. Pinky's Hefty Hideaway as new fans besiege Tracy for photos and autographs.) DYNAMITES Welcome to the rhythm of a brand new day TRACY Take your old-fashioned fears TRACY& DYNAMITES And just throw them away MR. PINKY'S STAFF You should add some color and a fresh new "do" DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE 'Cause it's time for a star Who looks just like you! JUDINE Dontcha let nobody Try to steal your fun 'Cause a littletouch of lipstick Never hurt no one KAMILAH The future's got a million roads For you to choose But you'll walk a little taller In some high-heel shoes SHAYNA And once you find the style

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That makes you feel like you Something fresh Something new DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLEStep on out Hear us shout TRACY, DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Mama, that's your cue!!! ENSEMBLE Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (Edna emerges from Mr. Pinky's Shop all brand new.) EDNA Hey Tracy, hey baby, Look at me! I'm the cutest chickie That ya ever did see Hey Tracy, hey baby, Look at us Where is there a team That's half as fabulous?! (Tracy takes her turn in "Mr. Pinky's".) EDNA (& ENSEMBLE) I let go, go. Go of the past now Said hello to this red carpet ride Yes I know that the world's spinning fast now Tell lollabrigida to step aside! EDNA & ENSEMBLE Your mama's welcoming the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh Oh your mama's welcoming the 60's Oh,oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Go, mama, go, go, go! ENSEMBLE Welcome to the 60's Open the door For the girl who has more, She's a star... Tracy, go, go, go!

ALL Oh mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh Oh mama, welcometo the 60's

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Oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh Go mama. Go, go, go! Hey mama welcome to the 60'sKAMILAH Welcome to the "6", to the "0" To the apostrophe "s"! ALL Hey mama welcome to the 60's (JUDINE riffs.) ALL Hey mama welcome to the 60's (SHAYNA riffs.)ALL Welcome to the 60's Go mama go, go, go! DYNAMITES Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh Oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh Go mama, go, go, go!! SCENE 8: Dodgeball - Patterson High School Playground. Link, Fender and their male pals warm up on the farside of stage. Amber, Lou Ann, and Shelley enter. Tammy enters wearing a wig designed to make her look like Tracy. Amber stares. AMBER What is that supposed tobe? TAMMY Isnt it the dreamiest? Its called The Tracy. Everyone whos anyone has oGYM TEACHER Gather up, students. Brace yourselves for scatter dodge ball. AMBERKathy Schmink told me she heard Tracy was seen with that horrible boy from theChess Club SHELLEY I heard shes friends with another boy who is not on the Chess Club ... yet. (Looks at Link). TAMMY Is is true she is in Special Ed? (Trying tochange the subject).

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AMBER Yup. Tracy Turnblah is a tramp and she is retarded. Thats right shes fast andslow at the same time! (she crosses to Link). Link Larkin, how could you kiss that oversized buffalo right on the air? LINK That didnt mean anything, Amber, it was just a cool way to end the song. (Tracy, Seaweed, and the Special Ed kids arrive). FENDER Hey, here they come! Special Ed! Special geeks! Geeks! LINK That aint cool Fender. GYM TEACHER Ha, ha! Special Ed! Ha, ha! TRACY (praying to herselfwhen she sees Link) Oh Link, if fate forces you to throw the ball at me today,seal it with a kiss. SEAWEED Got a prayer for me too? This game can get pretty vicious. TRACY What is scatter dodge ball anyway? SEAWEED Its sort of like a protest rally. Looks like a good idea until the police show up, then you better scatter and dodge. PENNY Hi, Tracy. Sorry about your Special Ed-ness. But think of itas a testament to the recordbreaking extremes your hair has reached. Im so jealous! Hello TRACY Seaweed, this is my friend Penny Lou Pingleton. SEAWEED Wait, Iveseen you before. At the gum machine! PENNY (proudly) I do two packs a day. SEAWEED Hmm All that chewing must make the muscles in your mouth mighty strong. PENNY(blushing with pride) Not really probably just average. AMBER Well, well, well, Tracy Tugboat you finally found a tittle you could win: Miss Special Ed!

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LINK Knock it off Amber. TRACY Amber Von Tussle, you have acne of the soul. GYMTEACHER Students Commence! (And with a shrill whistle the game begins. Amber getsthe ball and throws it at Tracy). AMBER Hey, thunder thighs, dodge this! TRACYYou throw like a girl! SEAWEED Hey, no fair throwing at the head. GYM TEACHER Thats right, go for his nuts! (The ball barely misses his head). LINK Everybody take it easy. This isnt World War Three! (Amber gets the ball away form Link and takes dead aim at Tracys head) AMBER Says you! Eat dodge ball, Trampy Ton-o-lard! (She snaps the ball right into Tracys head. Tracy crumples to the ground, knocked out. A whistle blows). GYM TEACHER Game over! (School bell rings) Class dismissed! All right you stinky! If you take a shower before Christmas you get Extra credit! (They leave). AMBER Poor Tracy. So tragic, I forgot to cry. Are you coming,Link? LINK Amber, that wasnt necessary. AMBER I said, are you coming, Link?

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LINK In a minute. AMBER Ill be waiting under the bleachers. (She leaves. Seaweed.Tracy and Link are helping Tracy). PENNY Uh, oh, Tracy? Are you dead? SEAWEED Ibetter go get the school nurse. PENNY Ill go with you. (They go off together, leaving Tracy and Link alone). LINK Tracy? Tracy, how you doin? Gee you are beautiful when you are unconscious. (A bell tone identifies I Can Hear the Bells as Link says those words). TRACY Where am I? Link? LINK You better? For a second there itlooked like Teen Angel time. TRACY Wherever I am, please, no one change the channel. LINK Youve got a funny way of putting things. I like that. PENNY The nurse isout sick, but look what Seaweed found. SEAWEED Band Aids! PENNY Hes so nurturing. TRACY Oh, Link, this is my friend Seaweed. LINK How you doin? SEAWEED How you doin?

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PENNY (to Tracy) How are you doing? TRACY How do you think? I just got creamed in front of the entire school. SEAWEED Hey, Trace, I know whatll make you feel better. My moms hosting a party at our record shop on North Avenue. Wanna come checkit out? PENNY I, too, feel not good. May I also come check it out? SEAWEED Yousurely may. TRACY Ive never been to North Avenue before. LINK Would it be safe upthere for, you know, us? SEAWEED Dont worry cracker boy, its cool. TRACY What doyou think Link? LINK I think getting to know you is the beginning of a whole lotof adventure. PENNY Imagine being invited places by colored people. TRACY It feels so hip! SEAWEED Glad you feel that way, friends. Cause not everybody does. 8.RUN AND TELL THAT I can't see Why people look at me And only see the color of my face And then there's those That try to help, god knows But have to always putme in my place Now I won't ask you to be color blind 'Cause if you pick the fruit Then girl, you're sure to find...

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The blacker the berry The sweeter the juice I could say it ain't so But darlin',what's the use? The darker the chocolate The richer the taste And that's whereit's at... ...now run and tell that!! ENSEMBLE Run and tell that! SEAWEED Run and tell that! ENSEMBLE Run and tell that! SEAWEED (& ENSEMBLE) I can't see Why people disagree Each time I tell them what I know is true And if you come And seethe world i'm from 1 bet your heart is gonna feel it too Yeah. I could lie But baby. Let's be bold Vanilla can be nice But if the truth be told... The blacker the berry The sweeter the juice I could say it ain't so But darlin', what's the use The darker the chocolate The richer the taste That's where it's at Now run and tell that!! ENSEMBLE Run and tell that! SCENE 9: MOTORMOUTHS RECORD SHOP (The scene shifts to Motormouth Maybelle's record shop dance party where her daughterLi'l Inez and her friends are already in full swing.) LI'L INEZ Hey, you're Tracy Turnblad! You're my favorite dancer on the Corny Collins Show.

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SEAWEED This is my sister, Li'l Inez. TRACY Sure. I saw you at the auditions. LI'L INEZ Well, you're the only one who did, 'cause they kicked me out on my young, gifted and black behind. SEAWEED Tell 'em about it! LI'L INEZ I'm tired of coverin' up all my pride SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE So give me five on the black-hand sideLI'L INEZ I've got a new way of movin' And I got my own voice SEAWEED & ENSEMBLESo how can I help But to shout and rejoice LI'L INEZ The people 'round here Canbarely pay their rent They're "try'n to make dollar Out 'a fifteen cent" But wegot a spirit Money just cant buy LI'L INEZ & ENSEMBLE It's deep as a river Andsoars to the sky!! SEAWEED, LI'L INEZ & ENSEMBLE I cant see The reason it cant be The kinda world where we all get our chance The time is now And we can show them how To turn the music up and let's all dance 'Cause all things are equal Whenit comes to love Well, that ain't quite true 'Cause when push comes to shove...The blacker the berry

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The sweeter the juice I could say it ain't so But darlin', what's the use The darker the chocolate The richer the taste That's where it's at SEAWEED ...Now runand tell that!! ENSEMBLE Run and tell that! SEAWEED Run and tell that!! (The song ends an Motormouth makes her entrance). MOTORMOUTH Theres platters of tunes andfood on the table. What else would you expect from ALL Ms. Motormouth Maybelle!SEAWEED Mama, I brought some friends. MOTORMOUTH Whoop-dee-doo, what a coup! Theever sparkin Sir Link Larkin! LINK Always nice to see you, Ms. Motormouth. PENNYIm Penny Lou Pingleton and Im very pleased and scared to be here. MOTORMOUTH Yourewelcome, kitten, to come and sit in. TRACY This is just so Afro-tastic. Can I say how thrilled I am to meet you, Miz Motormouth. Im Seaweeds friend, Tracy. MOTORMOUTH Oh, yes, indeedy. Ive seen you, sweetie. All aglow on Cornys show. TRACY Gee, thanks. But Im only there because of your son. Why cant we all dance together like this on TV? MOTORMOUTH Think we havent tried? Weve pleaded, begged, and lied. We pressured the mayor, petitioned the gov, and what did we get?

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MOTORMOUTH & KIDS One day a month! SEAWEED Enough talk. We came to dance. Lets play some hide and seek! (Music starts). TRACY. PENNY & LINK The dirty boogie! (They start to dance when suddenly the door bursts open). AMBER Aaaaaaieeeeeee!! Link!! What are you doing in this huge crowd of minorities? LINK Trying to fit in.What are you doing? AMBER I waited for you under the bleachers until half-way through the JV track meet, then I saw you getting on the North Avenue bus ad I followed you here in my new car. LINK Were having a blast! Come on, jump in! (The door bursts open again) VELMA Aaaaieeeeeeee! Amber! Has anyone touched you? MOTORMOUTH You all better hustle, heres Von Tussle. VELMA I saw you getting into yourdarling, new car, so I followed you in mine. Motormouth, are you brainwashing these children? MOTORMOUTH Theyre only dancing. TRACY Yeah! We are dancing. VELMA Oh! I should have known youd be at the bottom of this barrel. (The door opens again ad this time Edna enters with a take out bag). EDNA Ooooooooohhhhh!!! Tray, that was you I saw! Wilbur! It was the kids I saw! TRACY Mama, what are you doinghere?

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EDNA I had a sudden craving for chicken and waffles, so we drove up to Rubys Take-Out across the way. Hello everyone. Im Tracys mom. VELMA Oh! So you are what spawned that! EDNA Excuse me? VELMA I guess you two are living proof that the watermelon doesnt fall far from the vine EDNA Tracy, be a dear, hold Mommys waffles. (Edna takes a threatening step toward Velma as Wilbur enters). WILBUR All right! A party! Anyone for chicken and waffles? STOOIE If we get any more white people inhere, itll be a suburb. VELMA Come on, Amber. Lets get back to the right side of the tracks, if our cars are still there. AMBER Lets go, Link. LINK Amber, youre being rude to these people. VELMA (as if to a dog) Amber, come! AMBER Link, come! (he doesnt move). Link, come! LINK Amber, go. AMBER What ever happened to the bland, dominated boy I fell in love with? Mother, come. VELMA With pleasure. (They leave). EDNA I didnt care for them. LITTLE INEZ

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Are all white people like that? WILBUR Naw just most. TRACY Well I know how we can start changing that. If kids saw us dancing together on TV, theyd realize thatwere not so different after all. We just want to have a good time. SEAWEED You saying that you and Link would be willing to dance with us on Negro Day? That would be earth shaking! LINK (getting nervous.) Tracy TRACY No. Were not going to dance on Negro Day. LINK (relieved) Whew TRACY Youre going to crash White Day! MOTORMOUTH White day is everyday. Ya gotta get more specific than that! TRACY Is tomorrow specific enough? Think: its Mother-Daughter Day. Motormouth, you work for thestation. They could never turn you and Little Inez away. And once the two of youbreak the barrier, well all be free to dance on TV. SEAWEED Thats revolutionary.MOTORMOUTH Child, it aint that easy. What if they call the cops? People could gethurt. TRACY Then well all walk out together. Theres me. Theres Link and Im sure wecan get the others. Without dancers, theyve got no show. MOTORMOUTH What a decision, your childs got vision. EDNA Weve always tried to teach her to do whats right.WILBUR And give correct change. LINK (pulling Tracy aside) Tracy, you cant do this. Youre new to the Council. Youll be thrown off the show for

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sure. TRACY Thats why were all doing it together. LINK Not me. TRACY You dont thinksegregation is wrong? LINK I like these people. But wheter or not theyre on TV wont get me a recording contract. (realizes this sounds too shallow) That camo outwrong. Ive been singing and smiling on that show for three years waiting for itto lead me to my break. Youve got everything: brains, talent, personality. Me? Ivegot one chanc to get seen nationwide. Saturday night is everything Ive worked for. Im not gonna throw it away. Cmon, im leaving and you gotta too. TRACY No! I wantto do this, and so should you. Its whats right. Stay Link. Please stay. LINK Sorry. TRACY But you and me together, I was starting to think LINK Sure. But I dont know. Its getting too complicated. And theres still Amber. See ya little darlin (He laves). PENNY Im sorry Tracy. TRACY Oh mama how could I think Link Larkin would ever care about someone like me? EDNA Why wouldnt he? Youre a beautiful girl. Its justlike my soap opera!! TRACY Mama, dont tease. I really like him. Ive never felt anything like this before. EDNA Just give him time. Im sure hell figure out hes crazyabout you. WILBUR Tracy, he could be right. Should you risk your career? TRACYI never would have gotten on the show without Seaweed. No, its payback time.

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WILBUR Thats my girl. TRACY Okay. So this is how were gonna do it, tomorrow, everyone bring your mothers PENNY And sisters! TRACY And meet me around the corner from the studio and make signs! PENNY Yes! And put words on them! TRACY Ms. Motormouth, you and Little Inez will walk in first. Me and Mama will be right behind you. EDNA Excuse me? TRACY Theyll never be able to throw them through the door withus blocking it! EDNA Im sorry, Tracy but Im too fat to appear on TV. MOTORMOUTH You cant let weight restrict your fate! Look at me! Im on TV! 9. BIG, BLONDE AND BEAUTIFUL MOTORMOUTH Once upon a time Girl I was just like you Never let my extra large Largesse shine through Hair was brown and nappy Never had no fun I hid under a bushel Which is easier said than done! Then one day my grandma Who was big and stout She said you gotta love yourself From inside out And just as soon as Ilearned How to strut my funky stuff I found out that the world at large Cant getenough so...

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Bring on that pecan pie Pour some sugar on it Sugar don't be shy Scoop me up a mess Of that chocolate swirl Don't be stingy, I'm a growing girl I offer big loveWith no apology How can I deny the world The most of me I am not afraid To throw my weight around Pound by pound by pound Because I'm Big, blonde and beautifulThere is nothin' 'bout me That's unsuitable No one wants a meal That only offers the least When girl we're servin' up The whole damn feast MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE Slice off a piece Of that hog head cheese Then take a look inside My book of recipes Now, don't you sniff around For something fluffy and light I need a man who brings A man-size... Appetite I'll use a pinch of sugar And a dash of spice I'll let ya lick the spoon Because it tastes so nice I'll keep it in my oven 'Tilit's good and hot Keep on stirring til it hits the spot Because i'm... Big, blonde and beautiful And Edna girl, you're lookin' so Recruitable Why sit in the bleachers Timid and afraid When Edna, You can be your own parade!

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TRACY So? How 'bout it, Mama? EDNA Well, I am big, I am blonde... ish, and if you say I'm beautiful, I guess I'm beautiful. OK, I'll do it! ALL Yeah!!! (The scene shifts and protest signs are distributed) SCENE 9: TV STATION PROTEST ALL Yeaaa! Look out old Baltimore We're marching in 'And we ain't shufflin' Through that old back door EDNA And Tracy, I will join the fight If I can keep up this paceWILBUR And girls, i'll be right at your side If I can find some space MOTORMOUTH So you can Hold your head up Just as big as ya please You know they'll hear meknockin' With the two of these! MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE Tomorrow, side by side We'll show the world what's right EDNA Looks like i'm touchin' up my roots tonight! MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE Then we'll be Big, blonde and beautiful It's time to face the fact It's irrefutable Can't ya hear that rumbling? That's our hunger to befree It's time to fin'ly taste Equality

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(The Corny Collins Mothers and Daughters appear. The protesters march into the studio causing caos). COUNCIL MOTHERS & DAUGHTERS On mother/daughter day Where thin is in, We're white as wool MOTORMOUTH Well ladies, big is back! And as for black, it's... MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE ...Beautiful!! MOTORMOUTH All shapes and sizes, follow me EDNA Let's bust their chops! VELMA Quick, call the cops! MOTORMOUTH& PROTESTERS We're gonna dance our way to victory! DYNAMITES And get us on TV!PROTESTERS 2...4...6...8...TV'S got to integrate! COUNCIL MEMBERS Stay away! This isn't Negro Day! DYNAMITES And get us on TV! (Police sirens wail. Whistles blow. As the protesters continue their march, they are loaded into the addy wagon.)MOTORMOUTH You bet I'm big! EDNA (pulling on Velmas hair) This blond is gray! LINK Tracy, this was beautiful! MOTORMOUTH Big, blonde, and beautiful leads the way!

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ENSEMBLE No one's getting on TV today!

END of ACT I ACT II SCENE I - THE JAIL HOUSE 10. THE BIG DOLLHOUSE WOMEN I gottaget out I gotta get out I gotta get out How'd I get in this slammer This coolerThis big dollhouse! MATRON Alright, ladies, welcome to the "Big Dollhouse!" Forthose of you new to the Baltimore Women's House of Detention, I'm letting you know now that I don_t stand for boozing, doping, gambling, fighting or any otherkind of unladylike behaviour. Think of me as a mother... one who eats her young!VELMA Locked up with all these lowlife women EDNA And horizontal stripes Ain'texactly slimmin' AMBER Is there anybody here Who can dry clean my blouse? MATRONIt's the maid's day off ALL In the big dollhouse LI'L INEZ Lady justice, Wherehave you gone? EDNA ???, wilbur, check, I think I left the iron on!

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VELMA Did you see Corny laughing? I could murder that louse! MATRON Honey, that'll getcha life HOOKERS In the big dollhouse ALL Big house! VELMA Locked up herein the pen ALL Big house! AMBER No phone! EDNA No food! MOTORMOUTH No men! EDNAI need a burger delivery From my loving spouse MATRON Honey, just eat the mice!ALL Of The Big Dollhouse MATRON Exercise ladies! Come on let_s start, speciallyyou, with those unslimming stripes! EDNA (to Matron) Yoo hoo, My stomach's a little sour I haven't had food In over an hour MATRON You just had a pizza, Six burgers, a mouse! ALL There's no food left In the big dollhouse

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VELMA Hey, matron, I have got to complain HOOKER Mira, mami, don't I know you From 1st and main? VELMA Eek, call my attorneys Lipshitz and Strauss I gotta get sprung From the big dollhouse ALL Big house! LITTLE INEZ No fair! EDNA No food! PENNY No fun! ALL Big house! MOTORMOUTH And our fight had just begun 'Cause it'sfreedom's flame Velma'd like to douse So we must break out of this ALL Big Dollhouse MATRON You do the crime, you gotta do the time! TRACY Penny, I can't take All this waiting I've lost my man Plus, my hair's deflating! PENNY Well Tracy, Ihate to grumble or grouse ALL (screaming at Tracy) But it's your fault that we're in This big dollhouse!!

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BEATNIK CHICK Hey, cool it, ladies No need to shout And don't ya got an old manTo bail you out? VELMA Ha! Her daddy's a pervert, A loser, a souse! EDNA (pawingVelma) Well, it's just us girls In the big dollhouse ALL Big house! AMBER God,i'm too young to fry! ALL Big house! EDNA I'm busting out! MOTORMOUTH Girl, so am I! ALL Lady justice, hear my plea 'Cause the big dollhouse The big dollhouse The big dollhouse Ain't big enough for me! For me! For me! EDNA For me!!! (Song ends). MATRON Recess is over! Time to pay your debt to society. Please keep in mind, tipping is permited. (She exits). EDNA To think I_d have killed to have criminal record back when my mother was alive... she_d be so proud. Remember your grandma was a defensor of women_s rights. TRACY Right. You haven't seen the last of us, Mrs. Von Tussle. We_ll be marching again, and

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soon, to the beat of a whole new era! VELMA Bang your drum, no one cares. Don'tget anymore cute ideas about protesting or even showing up at the special. I'llhave armed guards surrounding the Eventorium to make sure Tracy Turnblad doesn'tget within 100 miles of that place. Game, set, match. (A Hungarian guard enters, with his assistant holding a clipboard). HUNGARIAN Sjkldnuoadhg njohfuosah asojdfniousd! Ldkzfngoidh zjsdbuosdhbfuas! Ldfkhvodhfguoashfuaajsdbfouashdfuoashf!Alsdhfoauishfuoasdhfaadfja! Lkzxjnvzlsnvlzknzxlm! ASSISTANT Von Tussle, Velma? Von Tussle, Amber? AMBER That_s us. HUNGARIAN Lmc klhvv lkxhvoihvoiuv lkzniohvaoivh! ASSISTANT Ladies you_re free to go with the sincere apologies of the state ofMaryland and the personal compliments of the governor himself. VELMA The governor? Really? Sweet, chubby Millard. We dated on and off in college. Now if you double wide twins will excuse me, I have a national TV Spectacular to produce. AMBER I was never here. This never happened. Oh Tracy. Any message for Link? Placeit on my lips, and I'll be sure he gets it. VELMA So long Balti-morons! (They exit laughing). EDNA I still don't care for them. MOTORMOUTH I hear ya. Miz. T. This old jail got a whole lot nicer. (The guards reenter and unlock the cell door). HUNGARIAN GUARD Skjbnosjdbnosdgnsdjfgba. Adojfgnodfghaoudfhguodf ksafjiuf asodjfhoifghoi dofihgosidfhgsdofu. ASSISTANT You've got a visitor. Bail has been posted.

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MOTORMOUTH Thank the Lord for those who can afford it. WILBUR I posted bail. EDNA Wilbur! How? WILBUR Simple really. I mortgaged the Store. TRACY Oh Daddy!! EDNA But that place is your life! WILBUR You two are my life. Bail for everyone! Bail for the house! You're free to go. (All the women go out of the cell. The Turnblads hang back). MOTORMOUTH The Turnblad gang are real good folks. They have the heart, they get the jokes. MATRON All prisioners kindly turn in your tap shoeson the way out. WILBUR Shall we hurry up? MATRON Hold it right there. We're keeping that crowd brain washer right here. WILBUR But I paid for everyone. I got agroup discount. MATRON (reading from his clipboard) Change your cupon back on your way out... cause here it says that: Miss Turnblad is herewith and forthwithwithheld, without bail. She is to be moved to solitary confinement and held there until further notice by special order of the governor_s office. So, there. TRACY The governor_s office? Mrs Von Tussle! Manipulating our judicial system justto win a contest is un-American! MATRON Don't make things worse. Move out peacefully. Hurry... I'm growing old here. WILBUR I'm not going anywhere without my daughter. TRACY

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It_s ok, daddy. They can_t keep me here forever. Besides, I've gotta lot to think about. I might as well do it in solitary refinement. MATRON I'm counting to three and then I'm rearresting you all for illegal trespass. WILBUR Let_s go. We can't do Tracy any good here. EDNA (To the HUNGARIAN and the ASSISTANT) Touch onehair of my daughter_s head and I'll be back to teach you a whole new meaning for split ends. (They leave. Little Inez, Motormouth and Penny reappear). LITTLE INEZ Keep the faith, baby. MOTORMOUTH They haven't heard the last from us. PENNYYou are so lucky to get out of the algebra final! (They all leave except Tracy).11. GOOD MORNING BALTIMORE (Reprise) TRACY Oh, oh, oh I'm all alone My heart has grown But it's broken, too This morning Life was a Baltimore fairy tale Now Ican't make bail! My mother's in shock My father's in hock I much prefer link's arms To jailhouse cells So link, please rescue me now 'Cause I love you And thisprison smells. Link, hear the bells! And get ready, Baltimore There's a bright,brand-new Day in store Let me out so this dream's Unfurled I'll eat some breakfast, Then change the world!

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And I promise Baltimore Once I cha-cha right out of That door The world's gonnawake up And see Link's in love with me! SCENE 2: TRACY'S HOME Wilbur and Edna are at home later that day. Wilbur is busily working on a Jumbo Hairspray Can Model. Edna is on the phone. EDNA Hello? Yes Mr. Pinky. Yes, of course I understandyou have an empire to protect. Yes. I'll return the outfits. The pettipants too.I scarcely wore them twice... but Mr. Pinky, she_s just a little girl and little girls make mistakes. If they didn_t... Where would other little girls come from?... Yes, I understand... it is too bad... Goodbye. (She hungs up). Oh Wilbur,I think I_m going mental. WILBUR Ok... I'm closing up now... EDNA Oh, Wilbur, mystomach_s in knots. I bought a double box of Candy, and they_re still in the box. WILBUR Calm down sweetheart. EDNA I can_t calm down. There are names for women who abandon their daughters who_ve gotten themselves arrested for trying to integrate an after-school television show. Yes, there are names, and Hallmark doesn_t make a card for any of them! WILBUR You can_t worry about people calling younames. You know how many times I've been called "crazy" ? But I say, "Yeah, crazy! Crazy like a loon". Anyway, we haven_t abandoned Tracy. In fact, I got justwhat she needs here, stand back. (The gigantic can explodes) What do you think?Isn't this great! EDNA Impressive, but how is it gonna help our Tracy? WILBUR You_ll be surprised. EDNA Oh, sure!... You are a visionary inventor saving the day. Tracy_s a teen idol reshaping the world, and what am I? I had a dream too youknow. I used to make my own clothes, remember? I always dreamed one day I wouldown my own line of queen sized dress patterns. WILBUR You were good, Edna.

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EDNA Yeah? And where_s it gotten me? Twenty years later I'm still washing and mending and ironing everyone else_s clothing. WILBUR One day, Edna. EDNA No day, Wilbur. My time_s come and gone. I'm a worn out pair of bobby sox, and the elastic is all stretched. Oh, Wilbur, I suddenly feel so... old. The music starts. WILBUR Nonsense, doll. You_re as spry as a slinky. Whenever I'm near you is like grabbing hold of a giant joy buzzer. 12. (YOU'RE) TIMELESS TO ME WILBUR Styles keep a changin' The world's re-arrangin' But Edna, you're timeless to me Hemlines are shorter A beer costs a quarter But time cannot take what comes free You're like a stinky old cheese, babe Just gettin' riper with age You're like a fatal disease, babe But there's no cure So let this fever rage Some folks can't stand itSay time is a bandit But I take the opposite view Cause when I need a lift Timebrings a gift Another day with you A twist or a waltz It's all the same schmaltzWith just a change in the scenery You'll never be old hat That's that! You're timeless to me EDNA Oh, Wilbur! Fads keep a-fadin' Castro's invading! But wilbur,you're timeless to me Hairdos are higher Mine feels like barbed wire

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But you say i'm chic as can be! You're like a rare vintage ripple A vintage they'll never forget So pour me a teeny weenie triple And we can toast the fact we ain't dead yet! I can't stop eating Your hairline's receding Soon there'll be nothing at all So, you'll wear a wig While I roast a pig Hey! Pass that geritol Glenn miller had class That chubby checker's a gas But they all pass eventually You'll never be passe Hip hooray! You're timeless to me (They dance.) WILBUR Oh! Edna, baby, dance for me! EDNA Oh Wilbur! You make me feel like a girl again! WILBUR Oh honey show them the bumper! EDNA Oh honey, I think my bumper_s stuck in neutral... WILBUR Oh don_t brake it... we may need it later! EDNA What do you think of this dance big boy? WILBUR Uhhhhh! Yes, yes yes, way to go baby! EDNA You're like a broken down chevy All you need is a fresh coat of paint WILBUR And Edna, you got me goin' hot and heavy You're fat and old, but baby, boring you ain't!WILBUR & EDNA Some folks don't get it But we never fret it 'Cause we know thattime is our friend

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It's plain to see That you're stuck with me Until the bitter end And we got a kid Who's blowin' the lid Off the Turnblad family tree EDNA You'll always hit thespot Big shot! You're timeless to me WILBUR You'll always be du jour Mon amour You're timeless to me EDNA You'll always be first string WILBUR Ring-a-ding-ding!WILBUR & EDNA You're timeless to me EDNA Oh baby, I love how you sing to me...EDNA You're timeless to me WILBUR Oh baby, your dance was the best! WILBUR You're timeless to me EDNA I know, honey... Yours too... WILBUR & EDNA You're timeless to me!! SCENE 3 - TRACY_S JAIL CELL & PENNY_S BEDROOM (Link enters) LINK Tracy? Where are you? It_s me. Link Larkin. From the show. TRACY Link! Over here!

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LINK Shhh! The guard's asleep. Gee, you look beautiful behind bars. TRACY It must be the low-watt instutional lighting! Link what are you doing here? LINK Oh, Tracy. Seeing you dragged off to a jail brought me back to my senses. I thought I'd lose it when I thought I lost you. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sing. I couldn't even concentrate. TRACY You couldn't eat? LINK No, so I went down to the station to tell Mrs. Von Tussle I was through with the Miss Hairspray broadcast... TRACY You did? LINK I didn't. When I got to the station I overheard Mrs. Von Tussle talking to Spritzer. Tracy, it_s Amber the talent scouts are coming to see. Ithad nothing to do with me. All this time I thought Amber and I were a team. I feel such an idiot. TRACY That makes two of us. LINK I know a palooka like me isn't worthy of a ground-breaking extremist like you, but... (He produces his ring)It's a little scuffed from Amber throwing it in my face when I told her I'd rather be with you. TRACY You did? LINK I did. So would you consider wearing my ring? TRACY Would I? Would I? LINK To lose thee were like to lose myself. Some kidnamed Milton wrote that in the thirdfloor boy's room. TRACY That's beautiful. (She puts on the ring). I have a good lofe: great parents, my own room, 3 sweaters, plus a learner_s permit good through August. But you know what I've been missing, Link? LINK

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I think I do. (They try to kiss). Trace, they can keep us from kissing, but theycan't stop us from singing! 13. WITHOUT LOVE LINK Once I was a selfish fool Whonever understood I never looked inside myself Though on the outside, I looked good! Then we met and you made me The man I am today Tracy, i'm in love with youNo matter what you weigh 'Cause... LINK (& ENSEMBLE) Without love Life is like the seasons with No summer Without love Life is rock 'n' roll without A drummer Tracy, I'll be yours forever 'Cause 1 never wanna be Without love Tracy, never set me free No, I ain't lyin' Never set me free, Tracy, No, no, no!! TRACY Once Iwas a simple girl Then stardom came to me But I was still a nothing Though a thousand fans may Disagree ENSEMBLE Tracy!! TRACY Fame was just a prison Signing autographs a bore I didn't have a clue 'Til you came banging on my door TRACY (& ENSEMBLE) That without love Life is like my dad without his bromo Without love Life is making out with perry como!

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Darling, I'll be yours forever 'Cause I never wanna be Without love So darling,throw away the key LINK & TRACY I'm yours forever TRACY Throw away the key LINK,TRACY& ENSEMBLE Yeah, yeah, yeah!

(Scene freezes, we see Penny's house at the other side of the stage) PRUDY PennyLou Pingleton, you are absolutely, positively, permanently punished. This one'sfor being willful. This one's for being deceitful. This one's for being neglectful. And this one's for crying "wee, wee, wee" all the way home. (The phone rings) Why is it everytime you tie your daughter up, the phone rings? (She exits just as Seaweed appears in the window). SEAWEED (climbing in Penny's window) Psst Penny! What happened?! PENNY (strapped into bed) My mother's punishing me for going to jail without permission! SEAWEED Well, I'm here to save the fair maiden inher tower. PENNY Oh, Seaweed! You do care! I was worried it was just a lonely teenager's forbidden fantasy. SEAWEED From the moment I saw you, I knew that eventhe colors of our skin couldn't keep us apart. But... this knots are somethingelse. PENNY Hurry, Seaweed! SEAWEED Living in the ghetto Black is everywhere yago

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Who'd 've thought i'd love a girl With skin as white as winter's snow PENNY In my ivory tower Life was just a hostess snack But now I've tasted chocolate And i'm never going back (He sets her free) PENNY & SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE 'Cause withoutlove SEAWEED Life is like a beat that you can't follow PENNY & SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE Without love PENNY Life is Doris Day at the Apollo PENNY & SEAWEED & ENSEMBLEDarling, i'll be yours forever 'Cause I never wanna be Without love SEAWEED So darling, never set me free PENNY & SEAWEED I'm yours forever Never set me free PENNY & SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE No, no, no! (Lights comes on in the jail again. We cansee both couples a once). LINK If you're locked up in this prison, trace I don'tknow what I'll do TRACY Link, I've got to break out So that I can get my handson you SEAWEED And girl, if I can't touch you Now I'm gonna lose control PENNY Seaweed, you're my black white knight

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I've found my blue-eyed soul SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE Sweet freedom is our goal LINK Trace, I wanna kiss ya! TRACY Then I can't wait for parole! TRACY Oh Link. I've got to get out of here. If we only had some hairspray and a Zippo lighter, we could make a blowtorch! LINK I've got a Zippo lighter! And uh... I've got hairspraytoo. (He produces it from his jacket, embarrassed) TRACY Link! What a special night! Your ring! And your very own blowtorch! (He torches the door. She gets out) LINK Oh Tracy! TRACY Oh, Link! PENNY Oh, Seaweed! SEAWEED Oh Penny! PRUDY Oh my God! Colored people in the house. I'll never sell it now! ALL 'Cause without love SEAWEED Life is like a prom that won't invite us ALL Without love LINK Life's getting my big break and laryngitis

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ALL Without love PENNY Life's a '45' when you can't buy it ALL Without love TRACY Life is like my mother on a diet ALL Like a week that's only mondays Only icecream never sundaes Like a circle with no center Like a door marked "do not enter!" Darling, I'll Be Yours Forever 'Cause 1 never wanna be... Without love PENNY& LINK Ys now you've captured me ENSEMBLE Without love SEAWEED & TRACY I surrender happily ENSEMBLE Without love PENNY Oh seaweed ALL Never set me free PENNY &SEAWEED No, no, no TRACY & LINK No, I ain't lyin' PENNY & SEAWEED Never set mefree ALL No, no, no No, I don't wanna live without PENNY

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Love, love, love LINK Yeah, yeah, yeah ALL Darling, you had best believe me, Never leave me without love! SCENE 4: MOTORMOUTH'S MOTORMOUTH It's a mess out here.GIRL Good night for a jailbreak. LORRAINE Ms. Motormouth, look! Now it was on channel 2! They said that Tracy Turnblad has escaped from prision. They think shewas helped by Link Larkin. It_s everywhere on the news! MOTORMOUTH Lord have pity! It_s a crazy city! Who_s at the backdoor? (Seaweed enters with Penny) MOTORMOUTH My baby! And... Penny, is it? PENNY Yes maam. LITTLE INEZ Seaweed's got a girlfriend! SEAWEED Is it ok I brought her home? I had to get her away from her looney mama. MOTORMOUTH I never mind love, it_s a gift from above. But be careful, cause there's a lot of ugly coming at you... PENNY It's okay. My mother's gonna kill me anyway. LORRAINE No, she won_t. She_ll kill him. (There's a knock at the door) LINK Hey, Miz Motormouth. We broke Tracy out of jail.

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ALL Yeah, we heard! It's on TV. TRACY The jailbreak was easy compared to gettinga cab to this side of town. MOTORMOUTH Well, we gotta get busy. Only 24 hours till Miss Hairspray, and it_s gonna be on National TV. We may never get another chance like this. And this time we'll start by getting Corny and the gurds at thestudio to help us. PENNY Maybe your dad could help too. Sometimes he has ideas.TRACY No... I've got to turn myself in... ALL No! TRACY I can_t put any of youin any more danger. My daddy could lose his shop, Link, you could go to prision,and Penny... your mother will kill you! LORRAINE No, she will kill him! DUANE Ihear you. Besides we already tried it and it didn_t work. TRACY Anyway, this time it won_t be like yesterday. Mrs Von Tussle said there_ll be armed guards at the Studio. PENNY With arms. TRACY Someone could get shot STOOIE And for what? Just so we can dance on some silly show? MOTORMOUTH Hold it! Nobody said this wasgonna be easy! If something's worth having, it's worth fighting for. Tracy why did you start all this in the first place? TRACY I just think it's stupid we can't all dance together. MOTORMOUTH So you tried once and you failed. We can_t getlazy when things get crazy! 14. I KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN

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MOTORMOUTH There's a light In the darkness Though the night Is black as my skinThere's a light Burning bright Showing me the way But I know where i've been There's a cry In the distance It's a voice That comes from deep within There's a cry Asking why I pray the answer's up ahead 'Cause I know where i've been There'sa road We've been travelin' Lost so many on the way But the riches Will be plenty Worth the price we Had to pay There's a dream In the future There's a struggleWe have yet to win And there's pride In my heart 'Cause I know Where i'm goingAnd I know where i've been MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE There's a road We must travel There's a promise We must make 'Cause the riches Will be plenty Worth the risk And chances that we take There's a dream In the future There's a struggle We haveyet to win Use that pride In our hearts To lift us up

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To tomorrow 'Cause just to sit still Would be a sin ENSEMBLE I know it, I know it I know where i'm going MOTORMOUTH And lord knows I know.. Where i've been MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE Oh! When we win, I'll give thanks to my god 'Cause I know where i've been SCENE 5: MISS TEENAGE HAIRSPRAY CORNY And now, live, from the certified up-to-code Baltimore Eventorium... ...for the first time ever on nationwidetelevision... it's The Corny Collins Spectacular... COUNCIL GIRLS He's Corny!! CORNY ...brought to you by Ultra Clutch Hairspray! 15. (IT'S) HAIRSPRAY CORNY (&ENSEMBLE) What gives a girl Power and punch? Is it charm, is it poise? No, it'shairspray! What gets a gal Asked out to lunch Is it brains, is it dough? No, it's hairspray! If you take a ride With no can at your side Then your flip will begone With the wind But if you spray it and lock it, You can take off in a rocketAnd in outer space

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Each hair will be in place Why take a chance When you get up and dance If you twist, I insist You use hairspray And tell your mother Her head she should smotherWith "ultra-clutch" faithfully So if you're a redhead, A blonde or brunette Just take my advice And you might just get The only thing better than hairspray CORNY That's me! ENSEMBLE Ska-doo-dle-e-ya Doo-dle-e-ya do wah CORNY Forget the milkman The only thing better than hairspray ENSEMBLE Hairspray! Wow! CORNY That'sme! CORNY & ENSEMBLE What makes a man Reach out and touch? Ultra clutch! CORNY &ENSEMBLE So if you're a redhead, A blonde or brunette Just take my advice And you might just get CORNY The only thing better than hairspray That's me! ENSEMBLESka-doo-dle-e-ya Doo-dle-e-ya do wah COUNCIL GIRLS He's Corny Collins!

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CORNY The only thing better than hairspray ENSEMBLE Hairspray! Wow! CORNY That'sme! ENSEMBLE Ska-doo-dle-e-ya do wah Ska-doo-dle-e-ya do wah! Do wow! CORNY "Hey, baby, you look like you could use a stiff one!" BRENDA Ska-doo-dle-e-ya-do dowah!!!! (A man in a hat and a fake nose enters pushing a gigantic hairspray can. Velma approaches suspiciously.) VELMA And we_re off for network commercial. What the hell is this?! WILBUR Product placement. The sponsor insists. VELMA Whata relief. We needed a little something there. Don't I know you? WILBUR Honest Velma, I'm a total stranger. (Velma whips off his hat and nose to reveal Wilbur) VELMA You! WILBUR Damn! VELMA Guards! Riot Squad! Come here...pronto!! (Seaweed and 3 boys dressed as guards run in from the aisle) What is this? Some kind of Trojan Horse? What_s inside? If your daughter's hiding there she'll rot in there.Guards, if anybody touches that can... open fire! MOTORMOUTH (Dressed as a guard) Understood Maam.

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WILBUR You win Von Tussle this time. You're one clever woman... I'll say that. VELMA Get out!! (Seaweed exits up the aisle) And coming back to Corny on camera one in 3... 2... CORNY And now for the talent portion of the competition. The finalists present a dance of their own creation. Amber Von Tussle and Tracy Turnblad are neck to neck. Even though Tracy can_t be here, our rules say that the contestant has to dance to win. Ready Amber? AMBER Ready as a bunny in Easter. TracyTurnblad, this song is about you... 16. COOTIES AMBER They came from way far out In outer space And with her help They may destroy the human race AMBER & GUYSShe's got cooties! GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER They've found a place to nest GUYS She's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER If I were her i'd be depressed Long tailed, sharp nailed Fuzzy legs, laying eggs "Eww, get 'em away from me, get 'em awayfrom me ... ewww!!" In science class She's like a walking show-and-tell Her petskunk ran away 'Cause it couldn't take the smell

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GUYS She's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER Nobody want to sit by her GUYS She's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER She don't need a coat 'Cause she's got fur! Circle, circle, ALL Dot, dot, dot AMBER Hurry, get your cootie shot! "Come oneverybody, let's stamp 'em out!" GUYS She's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER She's just as friendly as can be GUYS She's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER She shows them cootie hospitality GUYS She's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER She's like a living "twilight zone"

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GUYS She's got cooties GIRLS ...Cooties AMBER Quick, get rod serling on the phone! AMBER Black, white, red, green AMBER & ENSEMBLE Every color in between AMBERDresses like a circus clown AMBER & ENSEMBLE Somebody oughta hose her down AMBERGrew up in a cootie zoo I bet her two-ton mama's got 'em too! "And that's for you!" Thank you ladies and gentlemen, and kids. I'm now ready to consume the title of Miss Teenage Hairspray (Spritzer carries the crown and the bouquet). CORNYJust to be sure, I think we_d better check the board. (The board shows Amber isthe winner bya a few votes). SPRITZER Yes, Amber Von Tussle is the winner. AMBERWhat did I tell you? Give me the crown, give me the flowers, and everybody start bowing! (Tracy and friends enter through the aisle). TRACY Not so fast, Amber.Look who's coming through the front door. CORNY Right on schedule! I mean... Iknow nothing about this complex plan. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the neverto be counted out Tracy Turnblad!

17. YOU CAN'T STOP THE BEAT (Part 1)

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TRACY You cant stop an avalanche As it races down the hill You can try to stop the seasons, girl But ya know you never will And you can try to stop my dancin' feet But I just cannot stand still 'Cause the world keeps spinning 'Round and 'round And my heart's keeping time To the speed of sound I was lost til I heard thedrums Then I found my way TRACY & LINK 'Cause you can't stop the beat Ever since this old world began A woman found out if she shook it She could shake up a man And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it The best that I can today 'Cause you cantstop The motion of the ocean Or the sun in the sky You can wonder if you wannaBut I never ask why And if you try to hold me down I'm gonna spit in your eye and say That you cant stop the beat! (Penny appears onstage transformed into a hotteenage tigress.) TRACY What do ya' have to say, Penny? PENNY I am now a checkerboard chick! You can't stop a river As it rushes to the sea You can try and stop the hands of time But ya know it just can't be And if they try to stop us, seaweed, I'll call the n - double-a - ? - p! 'Cause the world keeps spinning 'Roundand 'round. SEAWEED 'Round and 'round PENNY

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And my heart's keeping time To the speed of sound SEAWEED Speed of sound PENNY Iwas lost till I heard the drums Then I found my way PENNY & SEAWEED 'Cause youcan't stop the beat PENNY & SEAWEED, TRACY & LINK Ever since we first saw the light A man and woman liked to shake it On a saturday night And so i'm gonna shakeand shimmy it With all my might today 'Cause you cant stop The motion of the ocean Or the rain from above They can try to stop the paradise We're dreaming of But they cannot stop the rhythm Of two hearts in love to stay 'Cause you cant stop the beat! (The guards reveal themselves). TRACY Get her! Amber, this is my dance, and it's dedicated to everybody! CORNY Everyone, look... look at the scoreboard! (It shows Tracy is the winner). VELMA & AMBER No!! AMBER It's wrong! It's just so wrong! LITTLE INEZ Hand over that crown, honey! AMBER You_ll have to ripit from my cold dead hands! LITTLE INEZ That will work. TRACY You can keep you crown, Amber. I have my heart set on something a lot more

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important. LINK Would that happen to be me? TRACY Of course you, Link. But I also want a graduate degree in musicology with a minor in Ethnic studies, ans I also want to be the first one to say "The Corny Collins Show is now and forevermoreofficially integrated! CORNY America look up!Here_s history right before your eyes. Television will never be the same. SPRITZER This is marvelous. The phones are going crazy. Even the governor called. He's enjoying the show so much that hegranted a pardon to Tracy! You cannot buy this kind of publicity! Velma, you'rea genius! VELMA I am? Yes. I am. SPRITZER I'm about to launch a new line of products and I want this woman to head the campaign! VELMA (curiously) I just don'tknow what to say... SPRITZER It comes with offices, a company car, and a huge salary! VELMA (hopefuly) I just don't know what to say... SPRITZER Velma... you're the newly appointed Vice President of Ultra Clutch, beauty products for womenof color! VELMA (stupified) I just don't know what to say... SPRITZER And now America would like to hear you kids sing our new theme song. I think I can get youa recording contract! LINK My big break! (Prudy appears) PRUDY Give me back mydaughter! I know you_ve got her. I saw her on TV. Penny, I cn hardly recognize you...

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PENNY I'm a pretty girl, Mama. PRUDY And you look so happy. I can't say it's what I want... but if this black boy is responsible for the light in your eyes, then how could I object? (They embrace). CORNY Live Television! There's nothing like it... LINK This may not be the right moment since we're on national Tv and all, but Tracy... if I don't kiss you now I'm gonna die! (They kiss). WILBUR That'smy girl! VELMA Before I get completely sick... could you tell me what is in this can? WILBUR My masterpiece. (The huge can explodes and reveals Edna) EDNA So... what did I miss? I_ve been stuck in that can since lunch... I wouldn't ruh inthere after me if I were you... TRACY Mama! We did it! We're on National TV! EDNA National Television? America, I made this myself! 18. YOU CAN'T STOP THE BEAT(Part 2) EDNA You cant stop my happiness 'Cause I like the way I am And you justcan't stop my knife and fork When I see a christmas ham PRUDY So if you don't like the way I look Well, I just don't give a damn! EDNA , PRUDY & ENSEMBLE 'Cause the world keeps spinning 'Round and 'round

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And my heart's keeping time To the speed of sound I was lost til I heard the drums Then I found my way EDNA & WILBUR & COMPANY 'Cause you cant stop the beat Ever since this old world began A woman found out if she shook it She could shake up a man And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it The best that I can today 'Cause you cant stop The motion of the ocean Or the sun in the sky You can wonder if youwanna But I never ask why And if you try to hold me down I'm gonna spit in youreye and say That you cant stop the beat! EDNA Wilbur, be a dear and get me my oxygen... NOW! (Motormouth steps forward and removes her helmet) MOTORMOUTH (to Velma) Step aside, Miss Buttercup... it's time to wrap this mutha' up! Oh, oh, oh,You can't stop today ENSEMBLE ...No! MOTORMOUTH As it comes speeding down the track ENSEMBLE O?? ??? ???, child, yes MOTORMOUTH Child, yesterday is hist'ry ENSEMBLE Be gone! MOTORMOUTH And it's never coming back

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ENSEMBLE Look ahead MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE 'Cause tomorrow is a brand new day MOTORMOUTH And it don't know white from black ENSEMBLE Yeah! MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE'Cause the world keeps spinning 'Round and 'round And my heart's keeping time Tothe speed of sound I was lost til I heard the drums Then I found my way 'Causeyou cant stop the beat ALL Ever since we first saw the light A man and woman liked to shake it On a saturday night And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it With allmy might today 'Cause you can't stop The motion of the ocean Or the rain from above They can try to stop ths paradise We're dreaming of But you cannot stop therhythm Of two hearts in love to stay You can't stop the beat! Aah, aah, aah Aah, aah, aah Aah, aah, aah Come on, you von tussles Go on, shake your fanny muscles VELMA & AMBER We can't! ALL Yes, you can! VELMA & AMBER No, we can't! ALL Yes,you can!

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VEIMA & AMBER Yes, we can...!!! ALL You can't stop the beat VELMA & AMBER Ever since we first saw the sun It seems von tussle girls are always Tryin' to pleasesomeone But now we're gonna shake and shimmy it And have some fun Today! ALL 'Cause you can't stop The motion of the ocean Or the rain from above They can try to stop the paradise We're dreaming of But you cannot stop the rhythm Of two hearts in love to stay 'Cause you can't stop the beat! You can't stop the beat!! Youcan't stop the beat!!!

THE END

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