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How old was the New York City Socialite who uninvited us tohis birthday party  inThe City because we

failed to include himin this year’s 50 MostBeautiful Edition? XXIgoing on X, you mightsay. Real mature. Incase you missed outthis season, we are stillaccepting cash bribesfor 50 Most 2017.

Speaking of theilluminati, whathappened at the NewOrleans? For one, a Rumpus  ex-staffer  left Yale and became theliteral Queen of MardiGras.

 Which Cabo repeat-

offender returnedto Mexico’s mostinfamous club, El

Squid Roe, after beingarrested there two yearsago? This time, theSAE bro woke up nextto two prostitutes and

two voyeuristic pimpsdemanding dineros.Squid ruh-roh!!

Since we’re alreadyrolling in SAE love, which indignantsophomore—who“basically invented Alpha Phi?”—is

on probation fromher sorority formasterminding anunderground mixer of“only hot ppl” and thesuspended frat? All weknow is that Crepes dePhi was the best greekfundraiser of all time.

But how about rollingface? At which mixerdid a Theta encourage

frosh to take MDMA ,only to find that theparty sucked with or without drugs.

How selfless was the Rumpus  staffer whodrew blood  only topass out later that dayon top of his prefroshhook-up? Sources saythe prefrosh is stillleaning towards Yale.

Speaking of bodily

fluids, which rowergot peed on byhis teammate atlightweight crewformal at Elm CitySocial? Yalies have trulyimpressed us this year with their proactivebystander intervention.

Speaking of genius, which Skull & Bonesimposter  fake-tapped

a group of juniors andhad them play a gameof Jenga under videosurveillance on thestage of SSS 114?

Speaking of Boners, which daring juniortook it upon himselfto tap Skull & Bones,leaving a wax-sealed dick-pic atthe tomb doorstep.GERONIMOOOO.

 Which bulldog abroadmade out with elevenguys at a “bath party”in Budapest  only tobarely make it out alivethe next day when herhostel burned downin Venice. The firemencame in gondolas.Imagining it, we came

instantly.

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Do you know where Jamie Hobson (DC ‘17) isat 1:30AM? Rumpus does.On most days, this DPort

 junior can likely be foundshotgunning motz sticks

at Est Est Est, running anaked lap around a collegecourtyard, or

 just kickin’it back andsolving thee d u c a t i o ncrisis. She isalso a studierof Americans t u d i e s ,president of the Black

Student Alliance at Yale,president of Fence Club,a media tech, and tutor oflocal children. Obviously,our first instinct was to fallin love with this LA native;sadly, we knew she was farout of our league.

 Jamie made my chancesslimmer and slimmer asthe interview progressed. Iknew my chances were less

than zero when she revealedto me her dream historicalthreesome: Abe Lincoln andMalcolm X. Who on Earth

(besides Jamie Hobson ofcourse) could keep up withthat kind of sexual charisma.Barely Rumpus, that’s forsure.

 We were resigned to keep

a relationship with Jamieconsistent with our other

r o m a n t i cendeavors:slow cryinginto a RosieO ’ D o n n e l lb o d ypillow aftera c c i d e n t l yreacting to

their Facebook photos at

3AM on Monday nights. Weput our depression aside fora second to move on to moreserious topics. We began toinquire about Jamie’s life athome and at Yale.

 Jamie has taken Yale bystorm and has a wealth ofadvice for those of us whostill might not know exactly

 what a provost is (srslytho what even is that). Her

favorite memory at Yale sofar is the March of Resiliencelast semester. A hypeleader was needed to rally

the masses, so, naturally,everyone looked to Jamie.She took the march by stormand coordinated all of thechants, drawing inspirationfrom an eclectic mix of

sources and even managingto throw in some BobMarley lyrics. Her favoriteprofessor and biggest crushat Yale is Roland Greg, whoshe describes as “such a ballof energy. When I see himon the streets we just talkabout our lives.”

Her favorite class at Yale has been Sexuality,Modernity, and Censorship.

This makes sense givenher career aspirations.

 Jamie hopes to endmisrepresentation andunderrepresentation in theentertainment and mediamarketing. She worked forSONY last summer, andhopes to continue work inthe media industry afterschool (preferably in New

 York, concrete jungle where

dreams are made of). Jamiealso spends a bunch of timethinking about how genderaffects co-ed social spaces

and wants to have animpact within those, too.

 We asked Jamie whoher favorite person is,and she told us it’s eitherher mom or her youngest

sibling, Klarke, but thethird child of Kimye mayactually take the cake.

 Amen. Rumpus wantedto end the interview

 with the most classic ofquestions: what is yourdream vacation, and who

 would you go on it with? Jamie thought for a

 while, and after revealingthat she had never

been out of the country(although she is goingto Bermuda this springbreak—hit her up)decided that she wouldgo to Spain with JenniferLawrence. She admittedthat Jennifer “wouldfeel obliged to pay foreverything and wouldkeep me laughing all thetime. We’d be a fucking

power couple.” Yes, they would.

—JOSH TARPLIN

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He is very single and even moreemployable.

If there is anything Jamie Cahill(BK ’16) wants you to take away

from this article, it is the previoussentence.

“I’m a second-semester senior,”

he said, expounding upon bothstatements. However, for those ofyou who examine 50 Most the wayyour dad reads Playboy (for the

 written content, of course), thereis much more to this Aussie than asex drive and a skill set well-suited

to a numberof careeropportunities.He’s also verytall and veryattractive, with

hair that wouldmake JC proud.But don’t

get so lost inhis bright greeneyes that youcannot see theman behindthem—Cahillis also whathe would call“a real pensive

type.” He’sready to discussanything fromneuroscienceand the humanconsciousnessto fashion andthe nuances ofthe Indonesianl a n g u a g e .

Cahill is also full of practical wisdom.

“It is really, really easy tomake rocket fuel from householdingredients,” Cahill coyly noted,then enthusiastically explained

how to separate ammonium nitrateout from ice packs.

 You’re probably wondering when he could possibly have hadtime to cultivate so many abilitiesthat make him an asset to any

business venture; as it turns out,Cahill wasn’t always so busymaintaining his ridiculouslygood looks.

“When I was a kid, I hadMan Boobs™ and could fit aMcDonald’s straw betweenmy two front teeth,” Cahillconfessed. Unfortunatelyfor him, his personal style matchedhis physical appearance—he was a“huge fan” of jorts and cargo shorts

for most of his childhood. No oneexcept his mom saw the potentialbeneath the denim until he was 14,

 when two female classmates tookhim under their wing. Since then,Cahill’s pants have gotten longer,and, except for a brief fling withthe “metrosexual” look, thingshave gotten better on all fronts.

Despite the massiveimprovements, Cahill claimedthat it was surprise and an honor

to be named one of Yale’s 50 MostBeautiful. This is perhaps due tothe company he keeps. “Most ofthe guys I live with have been in

[50 Most], so I’ve spent the pastthree years essentially being toldhow hot all of my friends are.”

Cahill may be modest, but heis not unaware of himself. Heconfidently states that his best

feature is his “stature.” Though he’s6’5”, Rumpus was unclear to which kind ofstature he wasreferring.

 A f t e rreading thisfar, you must

be wondering where you canmeet this former rower and future

 Employee of the Month. When he’s

not working out in Payne Whitney,Cahill spends most of his time athome with his friends or mixingmusic.

“I live under a rock,” Cahill says.“I pretty much only go out forMating Season.” But don’t worryabout trying too hard for Cahill,ladies—he likes the au naturellook. So whether you’re a super-hot single lady over 5’7” or an HRrepresentative of any height, Jamie

Cahill is probably exactly what youneed.—MARY KATE DILWORTH

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Izak Alexander Epstein (DC ’19) aspiresto be wavy. What is wavy, you ask? Rumpusisn’t quite sure, but it’s Izak’s favorite word.Rumpus asked Izak (pronounced Isaac, but

 just spelledsuper wavy-

ly) for ad e f i n i t i o n :“It’s just like…

 wavy. It’s likea l t ernat i ve .It’s weird butawesome. Youdon’t evenhave to like it. But you have to like the factthat you don’t like it. Does that make sense?”No, Izak, it does not. But you’re hot enoughthat we’ll let this one slide.

Besides mastering the English language,Izak spends much of his time surroundedby tall, scantily-clothed men. If you’rethinking Magic Mike, think again. Izak is aheavyweight rower, and like all heavyweightrowers, he makes you feel small andsubmissive. Speaking of submissive, Izak’sideal girl would be “super chill and wavy”and smarter than him because he needssomeone to challenge him and hold himaccountable for the things he says. Rumpushas a hard time imagining a girl smarter than

Izak. Izak likes all types of girls, but mostlygirls with blue eyes and blonde hair and 5’7”.Izak cites his own dark, soulless eyes as hisbiggest insecurity. But he does love the veins

on his biceps after a workout.Izak likes wavy music and chick flicks.

One of his favorite movies is The Notebook.He also likes “those indie movies where thekids go ride their bikes to the hill somewhereand have like a picnic.” Izak has never been

to East Rock. His dream date would be agirl asking him to picnic on East Rock. She

 would bring the food. We asked Izak to play a game of Fuck,

Marry, Kill with Vince Staples, A-Trak, and Janelle Monáe. He did not know the game,but after a bit of explanation, Izak got thehang of it. He’s a fast learner. “I’d marry VinceStaples—it would be a platonic marriage—because he’s from my hometown…Hedefinitely has the SoCal outlook on life.”(Izak is from Long Beach. Wavy.). “Fuck

 Janelle Monáe because I can’t challenge thatnorm. I would challenge social norms in alot of ways and I’m all for it, but not that.

 Actually, maybe. Maybe I would try. I don’tknow.” (He’s talking about fucking a dude.)“Kill A-Trak because he looks like a douchebag. Don’t tell him I said that.”

Impressed with his open-mindedness,Rumpus asked Izak about his sexuality. “Onthe Kinsey Scale, 1 is so straight that youcouldn’t even entertain the thought and 6 is

 very gay. I’d put myself at like a 1.5. Because

I definitely—I’ve never, like—I just thinkthat like a 1.5 is a good place because yeahI could—I hook up with girls and I’ve neverhooked up with a guy and I don’t plan on

it—but like, the thought. Like—when you’rereally drunk. You know like European guys?

 You might kiss a guy on the lips if you’redrunk, and he’s like your really good friend.

Like, dude. There are friends of mine thatare so close to me that it wouldn’t bother me.So I’m a 1.5.” How wavy is that?! Rumpushopes we would be that extra 0.5.

Izak has loved freshman year so far, butthere are still a few things left on his Yalebucket list. He wants to hook up with a Q-Pacgirl at some point. “After I get heartbroken,

I will go to Saturday Night Toads and getthat one checked off the list…Then I will getSTD tested.” Wavy, Izak. Wavy.

—CHASE AMMON

Before I arrived atMamoun’s for my dinner/interview with Gillian Bolt(JE ’19), a car accidenthappened on HoweStreet right in front of the

restaurant while she was waiting inside.“I did nothing,” Gillian

said, her v o i c eflat andho l lo w,like Siri

 when shetells youthere areno Arby’s

restaurants within 20miles. “I watched.”

Make no mistake:despite the soft G, Gillianis hard. She doesn’t havea single empathetic bonein her body. She went toa radiologist to check.He’s dead now. Unrelated.Gillian has all her otherbones, though! She has a

nice bone structure.Gillian is the secondBolt to be on 50 Most: thefirst was her sister, Mary,

class of 2013, who, fulldisclosure, was the firstperson I ever profiled for50 Most (I did a terrible

 job—sorry, Mary!) Theyhave a middle sister, too:

Catie Bolt (JE ’18), whoprobably would be on50 Most if Gillian hadn’t

threatenedto break intothe Rumpuslair, burneverything,change thelocks, installa hot tub,and never

invite usover. Sorry, Catie! Maybenext year.

During her gap year,Gillian went to India, gotmarried, raised a family,abandoned them all tobecome a cigar-chompingBollywood studio exec,pissed off the government,got kicked out of thecountry, and then made me

reschedule our interviewbecause she’d snuck backinto India to go to another

 wedding so she could

“finish some things.”Gillian loves weddings!

Despite being marriedseveral times over inIndia, Gillian is single.Single and looking. Single

and peering throughthe venetian blinds.Single and following themovements of prospectiveromantic interests withthe crosshairs on her scopefrom across the grassyknoll in an otherwiseinconspicuous officebuilding in downtownNew Haven. She likesclassic dinner-and-a-movie

dates—so guys, take notes!Gillian paid for mydinner. They say that’s hercalling card. She keeps thereceipts. She laminatesthem, punches holes inthem, and wears them ona leather string around herneck. Also human toes. Shealso has a charm bracelet!

Have you ever seenDie Hard? That’s Gillian’s

favorite movie. Actually,she told me it was MoulinRouge, but I’m prettysure she meant Die

Hard. Gillian’s got a lotin common with Bruce

 Willis—they both at onepoint publicly requested“5 minutes alone in a room

 with Saddam Hussein,”

and they both live in sunnyCalifornia!Gillian and I had some

good laughs over ourfalafel. She told me she’sconsidering majoring intheater studies, that shealways carries an acetylenetorch in her backpack, andthat everyone in her largeextended family has thesame prominent double

chin—the “Johnson jowl!”I asked Gillian if she’dever killed someone, andshe just stared off into thedistance, looking straightpast the baklava. All ofMamoun’s was silent fora moment, except thehumming churn of themango juice cooler.

“I do improv,” she said.“I’m in the Viola Question.”

—NICK HENRIQUEZ

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The next time you head toDurfee’s, downtrodden, to buyyour sad, sad, pre-preparedmacro-vegan Pad Thai noodles,take a glimpse at who’s ringingup your ridiculously overpriced

purchase. If it’s a Saturday,chances are your breath will betaken away. BreaBaker (SY ’16)counts workingat Durfee’s fromtwelve to fiveevery Saturday—allowing her tointeract withmore hopeless

 Yale students than a Box

bartender—as one of her Yaleclaims to fame, but she isremarkable for so much more.

Brea hails from Queens,New York, but was infected

 with a genuine love forinternational travel at a youngage. At Yale, she has blossomedinto a veritable globetrotter;after traveling to Dominica ona Reach Out spring break trip,then spending a summer in

Paris, she subsequently internedin Botswana. Much like thepolicies of white feministpoliticians, that was simply not

enough for Brea. She proceededto spend her entire junior yearabroad, starting with a semesterin Australia, followed by acomparative program in Brazil,India, and South Africa. Rumpus 

has talked to many Yalies whohave had similar experiences

during high schooland is sure thatBrea’s travels

 were, like, totallytransformative, like,totally reshapinghow we think aboutother cultures andour place in the world.

Brea changes her hairstyle

more often than  Rumpus changes our underwear and hassported some dazzling hairdosover the years. But, according toBrea, her most attractive featuresare her sumptuous freckles,

 which gave rise to her Instagramhandle, @freckledduckling—Brea also prides herself on heradaptability, which allows herto thrive in any social settinginto which she’s thrust (hot!).

This brings us to anothermatter: Brea’s ubiquitous socialmedia presence. One of Brea’sgreatest qualities is her ability

to influence large swaths ofpeople in a few fell keystrokes.It’s sad, then, that Brea justgave up arguing with peopleon Facebook for Lent—but alsoadmirable because three Rumpus 

staffers were hospitalizedtrying to do her ordinary

 work on Overheard at Yale.Oh, Brea was also once a

guest panelist on literal The View but disappointingly,as far as  Rumpus  could tell,didn’t get into even an ounceof beef with Raven-Symoné.That’s so  Rumpus, am I right?

Okay, so, by now you’reprobably begging for more

information about how youcan get this. Brea says her threeideal qualities in a potentialbeau are a good sense ofhumor, a strong jawbone, andan admirable squad of friends. Rumpus  has none of thosethings, but we can buy Miya’sSushi, which, Brea says, isprobably sufficient; she spendsmost of her free time there.

 Also one time she left

a vibrator in my shower.—AARON BERMAN

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Francisco Torres Rojo(BK ’18) is about as close asyou can get to being a JewishMother’s Dream (JMD)

 without being Jewish. He’spre-med, with plans todouble-major in HSHM and

 East Asian studies, refersto Yale as his “crowningfailure” (he got rejected fromStanford, his brother’s alma

mater), and is a member of AEPi. As a brother, he saidhe’s learned lots about thechosen people. “I’ve learned

 what a mensch is and what agoy is—that’s me. I learnedthe difference between amenorah and a hannukiah.Shabbat, what that is, the

 whole dinner thing. Seders, very important, drink wine.”

In fact, he credits learningabout Judaism in AEPias the inspiration for hisinterest in East Asia. “Goinginto a Jewish fraternity andknowing nothing about Jewsand then learning a lot about

 Jews, I thought learningabout East Asia would becool because I don’t knowanything about East Asia,”

he says, while also admittingto have taken L1 Korean “forshits and giggles.” Swoon.

Francisco performsa number of importantduties within AEPi,including but not limitedto planning a trip tothe bowling alley forthe bros—if there’s onething  Rumpus  loves,

it’s knockingdown phallicobjects witha giant ball.Francisco, too.

 When asked todescribe his ideal

date, he said it would definitelyinvolve timeat the bowlingalley. He’d wantto bowl, but alsoto talk aboutlife, yet to keepboth the bowlingball and theconversation outof the gutter. “I’m

a traditionalist,”F r a n c i s c oa n n o u n c e s ,“a third date

kind of guy.” Bubbeis going to love him.

 A self-proclaimed serialmonogamist, this guyscreams ~commitment-

ready~. Well, almost. Hethinks of flirting as his area

of expertise. “I try to besuper weird and cheesy, andmost times I really shouldn’thave gotten the response Idid.” According to Francisco,it’s largely about confidence.In general, he says, he won’tmake a move unless heknows he has a “pretty goodchance,” but also admits tobeing “more confident thanthe average Yale guy.” The

 way he sees it, Yale menare so unsure of themselvesthat they can’t get past it.“As far as heteronormativity

goes, I strive to be an Alpha,” he declares.

But Francisco is somuch more than a puffedchest and piercing gaze. He

really opened his heartto

 Rumpus; this is a guy

 who knows how to delvedeep. “As a little kid, Ihad very low self-esteem,”he confesses. “I got veryreliant on other people’sperceptions of me for

 validation.” Even his self-identification as an Alphahas its limits: “when

I’m talking to my friends,I’m super Beta because

they’re all much moreknowledgeable than me.”Having immigrated to the

United States from Mexicoat the age of 8, the youngestof 9 kids, Francisco’sseen about all there isto see. He’s just a reallylaidback and perceptiveguy who’s also “into reallydank memes.”  Rumpus maintains: if Francisco

isn’t good enough for your Jewish mother, no one is.—EVE SNEIDER 

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 Just imagine. You’re on a pristinebeach in some faraway land that is notthe Jersey Shore. The sun is setting.There’s a DJ who is blasting some solid

 East African beats, and you’re going inon the dancing. You feel liberated, but

not just because of the dancing. You’realso having sex. Passionate, passionatesex. And so is everyone else aroundyou—it’s an orgy. But you’re having sex

 with only one person, and you two feela connection.

 A connectionlike the Na’viin Avatar feel

 when theytouch theirtails together.

 Y o u ’ r efocused on each other, barely evennoticing the orgy around you.

 You and your partner—your date—are on this sex beach to compete in anintense tournament that includes threeniche sports: ping-pong, badminton,and bowling. How are you bowlingon a beach? It doesn’t matter. You andyour date are vibing hard, alternatingmissionary and doggy style as youserve up aces on the ping-pong

table and hit 7-10 splits every timebecause that’s what you were born todo, dammit. “If you want to go fromping-pong to anal, just go for it.”

 Rumpus  opens our eyes and our

consciousness is restored. We sit in acold sweat in the room with the pooltable off of the Pierson common room.Neema Githere (BK ’18) is smiling,pool cue in hand, as she watchesus recover from her description of

her “ideal date.”  Rumpus  has neverheard one like that before. Neema,

 with ease, pockets the 8 ball, beatingus for the second straight game.

Neema is, sincerely, the coolest50 Moster that  Rumpus  hasever interviewed. Check out herInstagram (@findingneema)and you’ll understand. She is socool that instead of having a luckyshirt, she has a “lucky attitude.”So cool that her “favorite drink”

is weed. So cool that she sees her“early humanoid, alien-shaped skull”and her attached earlobes as her bestphysical attributes. So cool that she iscomfortably willing to fart in front ofus because “let’s end fart shaming!” Socool that she forgoes all handshakes forhugs. That she cut off all of her hair to“shed a lot of the experiences she hadin long hair.” That her favorite movieis Paris Hilton’s sex tape. That she islactose-intolerant. That in the middle

of our interview she decides she wants Welch’s fruit snacks and takesus on a journey through the Pierson/Davenport basement to find them. Weget distracted when we come across a

ping-pong table, and a 30-minutegame ensues. We weren’t on a beachand we weren’t having sex, but that’sokay because the ping-pong was goodand  Rumpus  won fair and square.

 At the time of our fruit snack

adventure, Neema is single. She’sbeen in love before, but is becomingincreasingly confused as to what loveis. “I feel like I’ve felt very distinctkinds of love. The difference betweenloving somebody and being in love

 with somebody has become evidentto me. But I fall in love with peopleevery day. And I fall in love withmoments.”  Rumpus  could fill anentire issue with our introspectivemusings about Neema and the sex

stories she told us, but she made usswear not to repeat some of them.Considering what we’ve already

 written, you can use your overactiveimagination to come up with the rest.

 Rumpus  worships Neema. We wish we could chill more with herthis semester, but she is currentlystudying abroad in South Africa—we

 were lucky enough to catch her oncampus in January before she left.

 We ask Neema how she feels about

going to Cape Town. She puts downher pool cue. “I’m gonna dom thatcity,” she says. We don’t doubt it.

—ADAM SOKOL

 Rumpus was lucky to havethe chance to get up closeand personal with EdwardColumbia (MC ‘18), asophomore Squash playerand theatre geek who actuallydoes theatre. Edward, wedidn’t understand a lot of

 what you said during ourchat because we’ve losttoo many brain cells overthe years doing shit thatMama Rump made us do.Regardless, you’re gorgeous,and we were pretty into you.

 Rumpus: So, Edward,after incessantly stalkingyou on Facebook, it lookslike you got marriedin China last year?

 Edward: Yeah…R: How old are you???

 E: 21. A billion thoughts rush

through our head: is he an American citizen? If he’sinto marrying early, maybehe could be GREEN CARDBAE. Maybe we shouldpropose now. I mean, he’shot, speaks Mandarinfluently, and is into Asia so

 we could potentially take

him home to our parents.R: There’s a crazy story

involved here, isn’t there. We need to know this.

 E: Yeah, there is (brushesaside his long, dark hairand laughs and now wehave a lady boner). I spentan amazing week in thisamazing areaof SoutheastChina and Istayed withthis artist,and he and I

 just hit it offimmediately.

 We didn’t know each other when I arrived, but a mutualfriend had connected us.So, this artist picked me upat the airport, and askedme, “so how long are youstaying?” and I said, “uh…I don’t know.” And then heasked me, “so where areyou staying?” and I said,“uh… I don’t really knowthat either.” And then he—

R: OH MY GOD. AND THEN YOUGUYS GOT WASTEDTOGETHER ON LOCAL

CHINESE BREWEDBEER AND DECIDEDTO GET MARRIED?!IS THAT EVEN LEGALIN CHINA YET??!!

 E: Um, no. Well, anyway,I ended up staying withhim for a week. Now,that wedding happened

because—R :

So you W E R Emarried?!

 E :No, note x a c t l y .

This artist had aphotographer friend who

 was running a business, andI met this guy and he waslike, “oh, I really wanna takepictures of you,” (same) andI was like, “okay.” Becausein my mind, this was a wayof repaying my new friendfor generously hosting me.So I’m thinking that it’ll belike a normal, corny photoshoot thing. It turns outhe wanted to launch a newpart of his business which

 was going to be wedding

photography, so he stagednot just a wedding, but aThai wedding at a ChineseBuddhist temple. It was themost incongruous thing!

R: Did the people at thetemple think it was real?

 E: Yeah, the people at thetemple did think it was real,

 which was hilarious because we had a lot of randompeople gawking at us (same).I have no idea what’s become

of those pictures, and I reallyhope they don’t come backto haunt me at some laterdate…But it’s very funny ifyou think about it. I meanI also had a lot of laughs

 with the woman who wasmy ‘wife,’ my ‘bride.’ She

 was so nice and we becamereally good friends. She waslike, “yeah…no big deal,I’ll have a new husbandtomorrow.” She had done

this type of stuff for a living.R: Would YOU like a

new partner in marriagetomorrow? I mean we maynot be as beautiful as youbut we have a beautifulabode on Old Campus, and

 we could live together prettylow-key. Would you be intothat? Edward? Hello???

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 Admit it: you’ve always had a thing forgrandmas. Their cookies are just as muchan aphrodisiac for you as those irresistible

 Yale Dining “mussels.” Right? You’vealways suspected that grandmothers’loving ways would translate well to other

loving ways?? No? Then you’ve obviouslynever met Allie Primak (ES ‘19). “I feellike I am a grandma,” says this silver-haired freshman, partlybecause she lovesstaying in and playingbridge, and partlybecause she idolizes herown grandma, Slava.“She’s like kind of ahot grandma I guess,”

 Allie admitted, flooding  Rumpus’ head

 with sensual images of elderly Ukrainian women.

In fact, this 50 Moster’s entire familyhails from Russia Southern Ukraine,and Allie herself speaks fluent Russian, aquality she shares with fellow hotties MilaKunis and Vladimir Putin. Allie herself,though, has always lived in the US whereshe attended Greenwich Academy along

 with half of the Class of 2019. She waseager to make the distinction, however,that she actually resides in Stamford rather

than Greenwich, tactfully dodging thestigma that comes with being from thenation’s sugar daddy.

Unlike  Rumpus’ grandma, who

is infamous for confusing the Facebookstatus update box with the Pornhub searchbar, Allie is doing her best to adapt tomodern technology and the ways of young

 whippersnappers. Lately, she has been“trying to get a hang of this whole social

media thing,” by learning to navigate the Yale gif culture and by slowly transitioninginto an “insta selfie girl.”

 A quick glance at Allie’sInstagram confirms that herselfie game has been comingup lately, with angles that arealways top-down and alwaysfiltered tastefully. But why gothrough the effort to learn socialmedia at all? According to Allie,

“Yale is all about building your personal

brand,” whether it’s about the number oflikes you get on your selfies, where youcome from, or the sorority from whichyou later deactivate. Though she considersherself to be “a low key person,” she’slooking to revise her own brand into onethat’s more “ebullient and effusive.” Slowlybut surely, Allie is building her brand as“hip grandma:” the grandma who puts the“sex” in “sexagenarian;” the grandma whocan knock back a few shots after book club,make a killer snapchat story at Box quiet

hours, and still be up the next morningin time for the early bird special at OldCountry Buffet.

—ZACHARY KREISER 

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It’s a Monday night. You’re sitting down fordinner in Morse/Stiles aftera n o t h e rf u c k i n ge v e n i n gs e c t i o n ,eyeing yourplate of

 vegan cornsuccot ash

 with a mixture of confusedarousal and pure disgust.

 You have three new Tindermatches, but they’re all fromthat section you were justin so you play it off witha tactful “Lmaoo what arethe chances (winky face).”Suddenly the dining hallgoes quiet and everyoneturns to gawk as Anya Malik(MC ’19) walks into theroom. Nobody can believetheir eyes when she actuallyglides over to wait in thepizza line with the plebs.Maybe, you think—no, youhope—she’s a mortal justlike us too.

  Wrong. Down thatsuccotash, nerd.

  Born in Delhi, this jetsetting beauty has also

lived in Bombay and Dubai, which she calls home.Like any self-respecting

international,Malik hastraveled the

 world twiceover andundoubtedlyknows moreabout it than

you know about America.Not to disappoint, shespeaks English, French,Hindi and Arabic, with plansto learn Italian or Chinese.To the Brits out there, Malikranks English accents as thehottest, followed by Spanish,French, and Irish—no lovefor Australian accents, sokeep your damn quarter zipson, Heavyweight Crew. Forsome reason  Rumpus  stillstruggles to understand,this brunette bombshellranks Irish guys as the mostattractive, which explainsher love affair with TheScript, an Irish pop-rockband that tbh  Rumpus  hadnever heard of, but we can’treally judge since Malik hasgood taste in pretty much

everything else.Malik isn’t only hotter

and more cultured thanyou, but she’s undoubtedlysmarter too. A prospectiveMath and Econ doublemajor, she reasoned with Rumpus, “I’m really bad with words. I’ve been writing an English essay for a long timeand it’s not going anywhere.

I kinda want to work on WallStreet at some point.” Expectto see this beauty ruling yourhearts and your wallets in thenear future, plebs; anyone

 who even hints at GSachs sononchalantly must have theirshit together, and Malik’slist of extracurriculars is nolaughing matter. Peep her

 working nights in the Morse

buttery, and maybe you’ll belucky enough to make eyecontact—I even did twiceduring our interview.

Malik is well on her way to world dominationas financial coordinatorfor Yale UNICEF, not tomention being a memberof Yale Hindu StudentsCouncil and helping with

film production. To round itall out, Malik maintains herChristian Bale in AmericanPsycho-esque physique as amember of Danceworks, as

 well as both club runningand club swimming. Rumpus 

 just hopes that her WallStreet dreams don’t turn herinto Patrick Bateman—thenagain, if we had to go outBateman-style, at least we’dget to see Anya Malik onelast time.

 When it comes to her lovelife, “first dates should beeither really casual or reallyformal,” Malik told  Rumpus,dropping hints for me whenI finally ask her out potentialsuitors: an ideal outingfor this Delhi diva wouldinvolve Tacos from a foodtruck and walking aroundthe city, with “anythingchocolate” definitely being aplus. So if you were planningon shooting her the same“let’s get coffee sometime”text you use on your Tindermatches from section, don’teven try.

—NICK ADEYI

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It was a dark andstormy night when

 we interviewedKorinayo Thompson(TD ’18) and he’shaunted our dreams

ever since. Rumpusmet Korinayo in theonly dimlylit corner ofGood NatureMarket. Hesat down, andour heart racedfaster thanit does when

 we’re late to lectureand have to walk in

and find a seat infront of everyone.Korinayo looked upat us and smiled.

“I’m from Lagos,Nigeria. People arealways surprised thatI’m an international,”Korinayo began.But we weren’tsurprised—he justseems like he’s full

of mysteries. Ifhe could describehimself in one word,he said, it would

be “unsuspecting,”because “people have ahard time pinpointingthings down about me.”But would he have a hardtime pinning us down?

Korinayo is a PoliticalScience major and the

 Advocacy Chair for the Yale Undergraduate Prison

Project. Unrelatedly, if hecould describe himself as ananimal, it would be a bear,the “perfect combinationbetween lazy and low-key.”One of his biggest fearsis being chased by a bear

 while he bikes through theforest, which happened in a

 Youtube video he watchedonce. Rumpus realized thatTHIS GUY IS HIS OWN

GREATEST FEAR, but wedidn’t have time to ponderexactly what it all means.

 We were too busy dreaming

about being bears in love with Korinayo, whose otherbiggest fear is hell beingreal. “Is that too real forRumpus?” he asked. No;it’s all very existential and

 we’re into it. Heaven is real.Korinayo’s perfect

date would be exploringsomewhere interesting andunknown, like a bog. This isamazing news, as Rumpuscan think of nothing betterthan chatting about theinevitability of death whilstheavy-petting in a bog. Oneunknown, unvisited placeKorinayo thinks would be

great for this brand of dateis the Trumbull courtyard,

 which he discovered byexploring. Korinayo usedto think Trumbull was the“most unremarkable place at

 Yale,” but he has since realizedit is “low-key beautiful”.Does he think that about us?

The man is single, andhis ideal romantic partneris “chill.” Dammit! If

you are trying to seduceKorinayo, avoid screamingin inappropriate situations;this is a pet peeve of his.

He also hates inappropriatetouching in social spaces, likecheek-pinching. Rumpusis happy to report that wedid not do this, if onlybecause we feared touching

him would awaken usfrom this sad but beautifuldream. Besides gettingonto 50 Most, Korinayo’sgreatest achievement isgetting 151 stars in SuperMario 64 without cheating.

 We hope that one day hemay teach these superior

 values to the illustriousbrood of children  Rumpushopes to rear with him.

Out of prepared questionsbut desperate for more time

 with Korinayo, we begged,“Tell us a fun fact!” andKorinayo stopped, lost inthought for a moment. “Onehuman being can fit intothe blood vessel of a blue

 whale,” he offered. Perhaps Rumpus could crawl througha whale together with him,

 we thought, looking down

and away—but when welooked up, he was gone,

 just as quickly as we came.—ALEX SAIONTZ

Hiss. Pssst. Hsssssssss. A male FancyCorn Snake, when courting a potentialmate, will hiss, flick its tongue, and performa shuffle dance. I stand in the “Reptiles &

 Amphibians” aisle of PetSmart in NorthHaven, peering down at our new snakefriend.

“What do youlook for in a mate?” Iask the man standingnext to me.

“My go-to pillowtalk is a rant againstcapitalism,” replies

 Jared Katzman (BR ’16). “If they can passthat test, that’s a good sign.”

Katzman, I realize, is remarkably similarto the Fancy Corn Snake. Beyond havingunique courtship practices, Katzman, likethe Fancy Corn Snake, is fancy; his 21stbirthday party began with a ‘Wine & CheeseHour’ featuring Sunset Blush Franzia andLand-o-Lakes cheddar.

The Fancy Corn Snake does not wearclothes. Katzman also does not wear clothessometimes, primarily while showering,having sex, or at naked parties, which heoften helps throw.

But, believe it or not, the Fancy CornSnake is not the only furry friend in PetSmartthat Katzman can relate to. As we observe theZebra Finch preening its dazzling feathers,Katzman gives me the low-down on his owngrooming practices. “I shower every day,” he

explains.Katzman’s identification with animals

even extends to aquatic ecosystems. Likethe Beta Fish we watch floating aroundin their pimp’d out cups, Katzman is bothundeniably chill and effortlessly beautiful.

His chillness or chillability seems tocome directly from his mother, whois an acupuncturist and an energymedicine and ‘herb’ specialist.

 Every morning, Katzman takes “abunch of weird vitamins” includingoil of oregano and crushed (non-psychedelic) mushrooms. When he

gets sick, Katzman turns to ‘herbal remedies’rather than going to see a doctor.

But if there’s one animal in PetSmartthat Katzman really resonates with, it’s thekittens. In fact,  Rumpus  was barely evenable to tell them apart. Capable of complexrelationships and caring kinship, bothkittens and Katzman are clever, social, andsleepy much of the time. But, at the endof the day, despite all the cool shit they arecapable of, all you really want to do is watchthem lap up milk, nuzzle a ball of yarn, andhunch their backs up when you pet them.

If there’s one thing that we’ve learnedfrom watching Planet Earth stoned, it’sthat the animal kingdom can get violent,especially when it’s hungry. But whenKatzman got ravenous as we sat waitingfor our food at the Olive Garden next toPetSmart, he refrained from predatory rage

and channeled his inner chill. That’s the bestthing about Katzman. At once a Fancy CornSnake, Zebra Finch, Beta Fish, and kitten,he knows exactly when to let his wild sideout and when to reel it in. That evening atOlive Garden, Katzman opened my eyes to

 what matters most in this feral world. I sheda single tear as Katzman marked his territoryby pissing in the Olive Garden parking lotbefore setting off, galloping, into the wild,godless yonder.

—ADAM SOKOL

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Imagine yourself driving yourdaddy’s ’73 Pontiac Catalinaconvertible, your ass sticking to thefaux-leather interior in the Californiaheat. Your heart beats fast as yousneak a glance at the large Latino

man ridingshotgun. Thatman is Paco,and impressingPaco is yourprereq to theheart of Rosa

 Vargas (TD’18). Thebeauty of Sunset Drive pales incomparison to the beauty of Paco’sdaughter, Rosa.

Rosa is many things: daughterof a Congressman from California,international volunteer, chocolateenthusiast, and self-proclaimed“Official Co-Buttmaster” of the TDbuttery. But Butt Rosa will oftenfail to tell you many things—thingsthat  Rumpus  has exposed now foryour reading pleasure. What do you

know about Rosa’s romantic life?Surprisingly, when prompted by

 Rumpus, she raved of its parallels toformer GOP contender Randall Paul,primarily in the sense that “no onecares.”

 You can find her 300-someclosest admirers flocking aroundher in a sweaty mass every

 Wednesday night at Toad’s, where she raises the temperatureDance***Dance***Dancing thenight away. Has she managedto impress you yet? If not, keepin mind that she does that shit

sober. When  Rumpus  asked this in-inebriated Toad’s Queen for somehot tips on surviving the dance

floor without an alcoholic crutch with which to beat away the horrors within, she recommended “traveling with a Toad’s buddy.” She alsocited her intimate knowledge of airconditioner placement as a way tokeep her flaming-hot Butt(master)cool.

If you’d like to take Rosa on her

ideal date, bear in mind that it’sa valued tradition in the Vargasfamily to first take her father for anight on the town.  Rumpus  didn’tseize the opportunity to prod forPaco’s interests, but you can never

go wrong with something a littleclassy. Niagara Falls, l ive jazz, duckå l’orange over a fine rosé, and theroller disco are probably all safe bets

 when you’re with Paco. Just be surethat at the night’s end, you dutifullyescort Paco to the front door like aproper gentleman.

 As for Rosa’s night out, thischocolate enthusiast expressedinterest in being taken to the“Candy Shop,” so a sweet-tooth is

required. White, dark, and milk areall welcome. Should you still notbe sold on her charms, it is worthnoting that her arms are double

 jointed and she can name everycountry, as of 2001, and is alwayssure to squeeze in Djibouti. Dji-booty. Buttmaster, indeed.

—HENRY LOUGHLIN

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It didn’t take long after

 Rumpus sat down on top of with Brandon Sherrod (PC’16) to realize that it’s not

 just his towering stature thatmakes him larger than life—he is 6’6”. Born and raisedin Bridgeport, CT, Sherrodtold  Rumpus, “I have a lotof friends that didn’t go tocollege, and some who hadkids and aren’t able to havethe opportunities I’m having,

so I’m really counting myblessings coming to a placelike Yale.” His humility

and respect for where he

came from were some ofour biggest takeaways fromour time with Brandon—along with a jawlinethat could cut throughthe doors to Commons(#StopSchwarzman2016)and a voice that could melteven the coldest Yale Corp™member’s heart.

 We couldn’t waitto get to the good stuff.

Luckily, Sherrod was morethan eager to tell  Rumpus about life as a Whiffenpoof,

and we were equally eager

to stare longingly into thedepths of his soul listen.Brandon had only one wordto describe his year touring

 with the Whiffs: “unreal.”In a single summer, this Godamong Men traveled to 26countries on every continentother than Antarctica. Someof Sherrod’s highlightsinclude Machu Picchu, theGalapagos and watching the

sunrise over the Angkor Wattemple in Cambodia (and ifyou can win his heart, maybe

he’ll get to watch the sunrise

over DAT ASS). But really, we didn’t expect anythingless from a Whiff. What

 Rumpus  really wanted wasthe gory deets, which didn’treally take any coaxing atall because Brandon’s justthat chill of a guy. Sherrod’strip to South America mayor may not have involvedinfused Ecuadorian Dubra,a Jenga-induced naked lap

and a run-in with theGalapagos police—all for which evidence resides

in anu n n a m e d

 W h i f f ’ ss a v e dSnapchats(add @b r o d 3 5 ) .@ b r o d 3 5

 was eager

to share onelast Whiffstory with

 R u m p u s .In a SouthKorean bar,S h e r r o dp r e t e n d e dto be AndreIguo do a la ,scored somefree Ciroc,

and metDiplo, who’sapparent lymore jacked

than we thought he was.

Now that Sherrod is backand #ballin at Yale, whatdoes a girl have to do to get

 with this super-senior who’sseen it all, done it all, andundoubtedly stolen yo girl?Sherrod says he’s lookingfor a girl who’s beautifulinside and out, and looksgood in sweatpants: “A girl

 who’s confident. I thinkthat’s a very undervalued

characteristic. But alsosomeone who’s down to just[Netflix and] chill.” An idealdate with Bridgeport’s bona

fide might involve dinner atMiya’s Sushi (he knows theowner) followed by Sherrodtaking you up to a roof to“just vibe there.” He mighteven sing to you, too. Wecan only assume that ‘vibe’is a euphemism for ‘takeour pants off and copulate’.

 While  Rumpus  certainlyisn’t used to being sung tobefore doing the nasty on

the HGS rooftop, we’re allfor finding out exactly whatdat mouf do. Just make sureto leave some room for Jesus

(the HGS rooftop is pretty

big you’ll be fine). Sherrodsaid religion has played ahuge role in his life, andthat his faith has only gottenstronger since he’s been at

 Yale.  On a serious note,

Brandon Sherrod is onehell of a guy. He just set therecord for most consecutivefield goals (wtf I thought this

 was basketball) in NCAA

history and is lookingto set another one—forconsecutively slidinginto yo DM’s. Not onlydoes he sing, he can alsoplay the drums, pianoand sax. Family is a hugepart of his life and he has

three sisters, one of whom was on American Idol. Aftergraduation, Brandon told

 Rumpus he plans to put his

polysci degree to good useand run for political office inhis hometown, where he’ll

 work towards fixing manyof the inequalities that existin his community. To close,

 Rumpus’ asked Sherrod what makes him unique.His response: “I think I’m apretty regular dude that justhappens to sing and playbasketball.” But honestly this

dude was so humble we justcouldn’t even. Godspeed,Brandon.

—NICK ADEYI

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“My most embarrassingmoment at Yale?” he asks,as a slight smirk crosses hissmoldering face. “That one’seasy.”

The first time Brandon

Ortiz (MC ’18) attended

a Yale party as a bright-eyed, but-still-hot-facedfreshman, he decided he had

mustered enough courage toproposition a cute freshmangirl he had been crushing onfor some time.

“Hey, you tryna duck?”the text read. Panicked,Brandon immediatelyfollowed that text with,“Sorry, autocorrect, do you

 want to hang out some time.” A man after  Rumpus’ ownheart, for sure, but the object

of his fancy unfortunatelydidn’t respond to his textsfor over three months.He claims that they arenow friends, though—and

 who at Yale could ask foranything other than deeplyinternalized shame maskedby social pretense?

On campus, Brandonexerts himself in ways that

showcase his extraordinaryprowess—physical andotherwise, but mostly insettings that allow him totake his shirt off. A chemicalengineering major, Brandon

splits his time outside the labbetween volunteering

 with Dwight Hall,playing on the Men’sClub Volleyball team,and serving as a MorseCollege IM secretary.He was in the YalePrecision Marching

Band for a month but thenstopped because “it wasn’tfun.” At this point in the

interview,  Rumpus  sighedand nodded knowingly.

Brandon Ortiz isn’texactly bashful about hisgood looks. When asked

 what his most beautifulfeature is, Brandon quicklyreplied, “my bod.” Duringhis senior year of highschool, a time when  Rumpus 

 was busy getting busted forhacking into and replacing

our classmates’ yearbookquotes with WhitneyHouston lyrics, Brandon wasreinventing his previouslynerdy persona to become atoken hottie—going to thegym regularly and obtainingcontact lenses, new clothes,and a new lil’ head of nicelycoiffed hair.

It’s a bit of a shame, then,

that Brandon doesn’t oftengrace the ~scene~ with hisdashing looks—when askedabout his typical weekendgo-to spot, he responded“umm, maybe Fence,”

 which is essentially code for“briefly debating puttingon something other thansweatpants, then decidingto get a GHeav sandwich

and call it a night.” Honestly,Brandon says, a typicalSaturday night will simplyentail chilling with hissuitemates and watchingeither Spongebob or AlwaysSunny in Philadelphia. Heasked  Rumpus  to includean obligatory shout-out to

 E.V.I.L.—so, well, okay. Another notable Brandon

shout-out is Physics 181instructor and fellow hottie-in-STEM Zosia Krusberg,

 who Brandon claims “lookslike she could be a seniorin college, but she’s like35 or something, whichis surprising.”  Rumpus told Brandon we woulddefinitely consider ProfessorKrusberg for our 50 Most

2017 shortlist, upon whichBrandon interjected, “oh,she’s also really smart too.”

To close out our interview, Rumpus  asked Brandon ifthere was anything difficultabout being so devastatinglygood-looking, to whichhe replied, “No, it’s prettymuch the bomb.”

—AARON BERMAN

“How wild it was, to letit be,” writes Cheryl Strayedof her jaunt in the PacificNorthwest. But these wordsfrom Wild could just as easilybe Austen James’ (SM ’17)mantra, a Seattle native herself.On a blustery winter’s day, Rumpus met with this chilled-out Washingtonian in theback corner of a Starbucks tochat over a pomegranate green

tea smoothie (hers) and coffee vodka (ours). But Austen isquick to dispel at least a fewof the PNW stereotypes. Sheassures  Rumpus  that she isn’ta vegetarian and doesn’t goto the gym. What does shedo with her time? “I’m just,like, really happy being ahomebody.” Extracurriculars?“Mm, don’t do much,” shesays demurely, though she

later reveals that she doesleave her room occasionallyto perform her duties as the

official Silliman condom fairy. When she makes it out beyondher college gates, she professesto frequent “the boringhangouts,” likeBlue State andSterling.

Bear in mind,though: Sterlingisn’t just fors t u d y i n g .

 According to

 Austen, gettingsteamy in the stacks may be atime-honored college classicbut hooking up in a readingroom is really where it’s at.“It’s very pleasant,” she notes,“high risk, high reward…like a hedge fund.” Take note, Rumpus  readers, the wild Rumpus  could be anywherefrom the Andrews ReadingRoom to the American Studies

Reading Room! Where hook-up spots are concerned, Jamesis about as alt as they come.

She’s never been to Woads andher roof game is “not as goodas it should be,” althoughshe did meet her current

girlfriend at12-pack whichshe admitsis “not veryunderground.”

 Austen cansay what shelikes, one look at

her and  Rumpus knew she was so undergroundshe probably had never beento Seattle’s finest coffee chainuntil this moment. As far asappearances, she favors “chill”impulsivity. See: her bleached-blonde hair and the slug tattooon her arm, which she gotlast summer on a Brooklyn

 whim. “I think it’s my mostattractive feature,” she says,

“just a fun little friend onmy arm.” In general, though,

 Austen describes her ideal

style as “like dyke but also likehip,” thought she usually just

 wears “a couple of really softt-shirts.” Whatever the case, Rumpus would like to meet upin a reading room.

  In life, as with herappearance, Austen is proneto taking things as they come.“I wouldn’t say I’m fraughtin general,” she notes. Sheprefers “relaxed substances, or

 whatever’s handed to me,” anddescribes her relationship withher high school boyfriend as“fine, and then it was over.”She oozes so much cool that Rumpus  got chills—or maybethe coffee was getting cold.Regardless, Austen’s attitudeis one we admire given itsscarcity on campus. Thanksfor letting us slip some vodkain your green tea smoothie.

Stay wild, Austen, and let itbe.

—EVE SNEIDER 

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Brodie Grimwolf attracts attention wherever she goes. Her soulful brown eyesand luscious hair are irresistible; women andyoung girls swoon at the sight of her majesty.Unfortunately, Brodie is also a dog, and, as

 we had to clarify after last year’s Facebookcompetition, Yale’s 50 Most Beautiful isreserved for people only—fuck off, SashaPup. As such, we had to settle for Brodie’sowner, Ryan Pearson (BK ‘17).

  “My dog is definitely my mostbeautiful feature,” Pearson agrees. “If there

 was a way for me to take her last name, I would.”

Fortunately for him, and us, he’s anadmirable second-place. With a steely gazeand muscular build, Pearson looks like he’sseen some shit. And indeed he has.

  Pearson was in the Navy for twelveyears, and was deployed in Afghanistan andthe Middle East as an Explosive OrdnanceDisposal technician, meaning he defusedbombs. His life was basically an ungodlycombination of The Hurt Locker, SavingPrivate Ryan, and Shaving Ryan’s Privates.

  “Hurt Locker is total fiction.” Dulynoted! Reality, Pearson says, is not whatpeople say it is.

  “A common military truism is that war is 99% boredom, and 1% terror. Inreality, it’s like 90% boredom, 1% terror, and9% INSANELY awesome.” Apparently, the

 word “insanely” doesn’t begin to do it justice. When they aren’t tryingto not get killed, soldiersthrow a lot of parties in the

 warzone; Pearson describedit as “pure rock and roll.”Makes your “crazy night atSigEp” look pretty blasé.

  Why did Pearsonchoose to join the military right out of high

school?“I’m an adrenaline

 junkie, and I wantedto get away fromhome. I’ve foundthat near-deathexperiences make mefeel more alive thananything else. I can’tget enough,” he said.So. Fucking. Cool.

  So what does ittake for a girl to get

 with a guy like Ryan?He’s really into whatmost would consider“the typical Yale girl.”

“I like girls who are edgy—tattoos, converses,interesting hair. Moreimportantly, someone

 who’s an adrenaline junkie like me and wantsto take risks.” All admirable qualities, and allfound in his current girlfriend (sorry ladies,he’s taken—and she’s definitely way coolerthan you).

Speaking of tattoos,Pearson has a battalion ofthem. He’s been acquiringtattoos since high school,

 where he got a homemadeone at a party; now he hasdozens all across his body.If you care to see them, he

frequents Payne Whitney (apparently aprerequisite for male 50 Mosters). Colorfuland extremely well-done, they are thedefinition of Body Art. Pearson is prettytolerant of most people’s tattoos, even shittyones, but he does have one pet peeve.

“It’s odd to see kids that are going for the‘I have a lot of tattoos’ look without actuallyhaving a lot of tattoos. Like, when someoneonly has them on their neck and hands, butthen few or none anywhere else—it lookslike you’re posing.” Do better, kids.

In contrast, Pearson has no tattoos on hisneck, face, or hands. But he has plans for thatto change.

“When my girlfriend and I areindependently wealthy enough to not careabout what people think of us, we’re goingto get the rest of the tattoos we want. Ourretirement plan is simply ‘Jetpacks and NeckTattoos.’” That’s a life almost as beautiful ashis dog.

 —MARY KATE DILWORTH

 Rumpus  met the lady in ourbedroom. For it had snowed, thesky was full of gloom. The kindIsabella (SY’17) came to our side,and shared

 with us

a story worth yourtime. Nowif you arenot faintof heartor mind, read on to understand agirl so kind. She dressed thrice asShakespeare for Halloween; thus,through his meter her life shall beseen (sort of).

New York City brought up

the sweet young girl. This story will for sure make your hair curl:she fell between the train andthe platform—in Times Squaresubway, could have been deformed.Her father did not even noticethis. A bald stranger did save thelittle miss. As a young lass she

 was quite abnormal, she worethe same clothing each day toschool—sneakers bearing the nameof New Balance, accompanied by

brown corduroy pants. On top, she would wear a Christmas sweater.

Thankfully now she’s a diversedresser. One day she cut off all ofher brown hair, ironically, for kids

 who had cancer. She soon foundout she loved to bein plays. In school,

theater’s where shespent her days. At

 Yale she continuesher tradition,of killing everysingle audition.

Her résumé, more expansive thanmost, would put  Rumpus in a deepcomatose.

Speaking of which, it’s time we talk about, a heavier topic donot freak out! She has not lived a

normal college life. A cancerousinvader gave her strife. She spenthalf of a year away from Yale. Butluckily, survived to tell the tale.She has advice for those who gothrough hell: surround yourself

 with those who make you well. Bythis, she means do not dwell on thepain; instead you smile and makeit all a game. It’s clear her sense ofhumor saved her life, without itsadness stabbed her like a knife. She

realized from this terrible ordeal,that laughter does have the power

to heal. And so, the lady went forth with the goal, to follow in the pathof her idol. Who’s that, you ask?

 Why it’s Ms. Tina Fey. Isabella will write TV someday. Until then, shedirects a funny group, of funny

people in an improv troupe. It’s the Viola Question, so you know. Shehopes to see you at their next bigshow. “VQ has been everything tome here—my family and my cult,”she says with cheer. “I can take anyproblem or joy to…” You guessedit! It’s her friends in the VQ.

If you would like to date thisfine young gal, you must be tall andmuscled pretty well. For her, a manshould be a funny one. He should

think Isabella’s lots of fun. On dates,take her to a surprising place, liketo a roof with expansive airspace.She’s quite excited to be 50 Most.Before this of her looks she did notboast. But here at Rumpus we thinkthat she is, the hottest woman in all

 Yale’s show biz. To her we say “Dearsweet Isabella: you would be a prizefor any fella. And if you do not findone worth your time, dear lovelylady will you please be mine?”

—CHASE AMMON

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 You walk into a crowdedroom. People are dancing,drinking and sloppilyengaging in DFMOs (dancefloor makeouts, noob).Suddenly, you see her. Shehas gorgeousskin, piercing

brown eyesand the mostluscious setof lips you’veever seen.Once you’veemptied thecontents ofyour solocup, youfinally havecourage to talk to her. It

goes well; you’re laughing.But suddenly, you sneeze.

 When you look back up,she’s gone, disappeared intothe crowd. Disappointed,you wander around the roomsearching for her, your lostlove. You spot her again. Shehas gorgeous skin, piercingbrown eyes and the mostluscious set of lips you’ve everseen. You approach her and

pick up where you left off, butshe acts like she’s never metyou. It seems rude and very

Theta, but it isn’t. Cause shenever did  meet you… it’s her*~~~twin~~~*.

Soraya and Gäelle Conille(PC & JE, respectively, ‘18)are on the receiving end of this

s i t u a t i o nq u i t e

frequently,and, if youthink aboutit, the wholething makess e n s e —they’re trulyf u c k i n ghot. Butit doesn’tshock them

 when people get confused,

because it happens all thetime. Once people figure outthat they’re twins, they say,they’re typically even moreinterested than they werebefore. Unfortunately, Sorayaand Gäelle Conille told Rumpus  they’re not lookingto fulfill twin fantasies. Wedon’t blame you for dreamingabout it though. And you’renot alone. The twins told us

they’re often asked if they’dbe down for this kind of“arrangement.”

 While being residentcampus beauties occupiesmuch of their time, Sorayaand Gäelle are busy doingother things on campus as

 well. They are both involvedin Greek life—Gäelle “hitit first,” rushing Theta as a

freshman. Soraya says sherushed Alpha Phi becauseshe noticed how muchfun Gäelle was having(Rush  Rumpus!). Bothsimultaneously enjoy veryactive social lives, indulgingin the occasional crazy-night-out. Gäelle recountedhaving to be c a r r i e d outof the basketball house onenight—embarrassing! But

 Rumpus  thinks she can justsay it was Soraya.

If you’re wondering the~status~ of these ladies,

 we’ve got good news. Bothinformed  Rumpus  thatthey are single and ready tomingle—Gäelle going sofar as to say that she “hopessuitors come forward afterthis interview.” So come thefuck forward! Two-by-two.

—VIVIANA ANDAZOLAMARQUEZ

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Makana Williams(PC ’18) wants to be anorthodontist. We can’t say

 we understand this, but it’san important thing to knowabout her. This dream was

inspired by her brother’s

orthodontist, whosealternative business modelinvolves taking patients tothe movies to get to knowthem. Makana is down but Rumpus  thinks this could

turn braces into pedophilic

embraces.Makana was born and

raised in Hawaii, wherethe boys are tanner andhotter than they are here.She manages and sings in a

Chinese a cappella group and

dances in Yale’s Polynesiandance group, Shaka. If yougo to one of their shows,you can watch her shake herstuff. Her grandmotheris from China, and the

magical stories of heryouth convincedMakana to spendher junior yearof high schoolliving in Beijing.

“I had been wanting to leavethe island for alittle bit and hadnever left exceptfor traveling a

couple of weeks ata time,” Makanasaid. “It’s probablyone of the hardestthings I haveever done andprobably will everdo because I wasso young at thetime, and I lived

 with a host familyand had to adapt

to their culture.”Makana clearly

learned to becourageous and

independent at a young age.The point we’re trying tomake here is that you shoulddate her. She just so happens

to be single.“Single pringle,” Makana

corrected us before giving usthis important message topass onto the men of Yale on

her behalf: “Don’t be a dick.Don’t be mean. Don’t bearrogant. Just be nice.”

 We also have a message ofour own that we would like topass onto those guys lookingto impress her: consideringthe circumstances of her firstdate, it looks like you havebig shoes to fill.

“When I studied abroadin Beijing, I was with this

guy and we went to OlympicPark,” Makana said. “We

 just sat there talking andthe backdrop was the Bird’s

Nest. That’s definitelymemorable.”

But don’t let thisinformation discourage you.

 We made sure to get somehelpful tips from Makana

regarding her ideal NewHaven date locations.

“Florian, a restaurant onChapel, is so cute. Or Prime16,” Makana said. “It wouldhave to involve food, but itdoesn’t have to be anythingfancy.”

Makana also enjoysromantic evening strollsthrough twinkling citylights. Seriously, guys, she’s

trying to make this easy foryou.  Rumpus  thinks this isextremely generous of her,considering the reality of hercollege dating experiencethus far.

“At Yale, I wouldunfortunately have to saythere’s been nothing thatstands out to me,” she said.

Come on, guys! Someonetake this girl to Florian or

 we’ll take her to the TajMahal and ruin it for all ofyou.

—JENNA SELATI

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Rob Proner (BR ’19) is aman of many talents. He speakssix languages, is an adventurouseater—“donkey pasta”—excels atboth land and water sports, hasinvented a slew of dope drinkinggames, and literally cured a

disease.The self-described

Italian-Jewish “pizza-bagel” isa New Yorker born and raised,prospective MCDB major, andfuture sports injury doctor.

 Word on thestreet is healready knowsquite a bitabout the maleanatomy—ask

him about hisBulldog Dayshookup in a secret somewhere inMorse with a mysterious now-alumnus. Seriously, ask him.

 Also, while you’re at it, ask himabout his keys to success for sexbingo and his naked adventureson the Ski Team trip, because hestarted profusely sweating when

 we tried to write them here.  “On a Venn diagram,

these kinds of funny things arein one bubble, things that areappropriate to talk about are in

another bubble, and there’s notmuch overlap,” Rob explains.“And then there’s the ‘things I’vedone’ bubble, which transcendsthe two of them.”

But enough STEMspeak. Rob, who uses words

like “basic” and “hot mess” todescribe himself, is a man of

 very fine tastes. When asked toexpound upon his “Eurotrashaesthetic,” he added that he

 was wearing only one article ofclothing at thatmoment that hehadn’t purchasedon one of hisannual trips toItaly.

 A l t h o u g hItalian was

technically his first language,Rob speaks English perfectly—

 with the exception of one word.Due to his mom’s heavy accent,he grew up never being able topronounce the word “relevant”and still “always fucks it up.” Butthat’s not really, how do you say,relevant, especially because hecan probably out-curse an Italiansailor. He taught  Rumpus  somereally snappy phrases involvingmicropenises that are allegedly

super offensive in Naples.Rob’s love of language

explains his reputation as a hotpolyglot. He speaks English,Italian, Spanish, French,German, and is currentlytaking Hebrew in hopes of

reconnecting with his Jewishroots. As we talked, he showedme his iPhone, which is onHebrew settings and is covered

 with a Barilla pasta case thathe got for free at Pasta Day inCommons.

  Rob’s smoothness hasearned him a lot of street cred.“My mom thinks I’m reallycool,” he stated on the record.This Halloween, he dressed

as Sexy Cat in the Hat andmanaged to speak in rhymes allnight, although he gives credit

 where credit is due and says hecouldn’t have done it withoutalcohol.

This kid is so hot thathe literally set his suite on fire,accidentally at a party in the fall.

 And although Rob eventuallymanaged to put out the flamesrising from his broken shotglass candles, his flame willnever go out.

—RACHEL TREISMAN

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 With a name like Batman, one has to wonder how a kid can handle the notoriety. “ItIS kind of an ice-breaker,” he says smoothly.But Batman is used to this kind of reaction tohis stunning looks (and ethnicity): this Econand Russian and Eastern European Studiesdouble major spent his summer in St.

Petersburg, where he was “the only Asian.”Beautiful Russian women everywhereturning to stare at you doesn’t sound so bad,but “it wasn’t in a friendly way. No. Not at all.

The thing about Russian people is that theydon’t give a fuck. They just look back at youand wait until you look away. They’re alwayslooking at you. All the time...it’s stressful.But I got used to it. I liked the attention...not really. It got scary.” Nonetheless, heclaims this unnerving summer experience

boosted his confidence, until he came backto New Haven where he promptly revertedback to avoiding all eye contact.  Rumpus diiiiiid notice Batman never looked directly

at us...but as the protector of thenight, should we have expectedany less? “The Russians definitelyknew I was Batman,” he deduces,retrospectively.

 And just who IS Batman?

Batmanlai Ontogtokh (SY ‘18)lives in the suburbs of theSaybrook 12-Pack, whichis great for “all the fun butnone of the consequences.

 Except we share abathroom.” Batman lovesSaybrook for its sick gymand high count of former50 Mosters. Batmanhails from Chicago, but gets quietat every mention of the windy city

from  Rumpus. “It’s not easy todescribe. I don’t know. Ask Kanye.Like Homecoming.” He quicklychanges the topic to Paddle, a SigmaNu game that “gets you fucked up,but slowly,” and is NOT ping-pong

despite  Rumpus’ previous misconceptions.He and his PaddlePartner are undefeated thisseason and intend to remain as such. Batmanlikes soccer, but his true love is FIFA.

Batman’s humility is endearing, and we respect that he knows what he wants

and what makes him happy (“paddle, Fifa, working out”). His favorite thing abouthimself is his love of Justin Bieber (“that wasan easy question”). Always wanting more,

 Rumpus  demanded access to the deepestcaves of Batman’s extraordinary mind. Wepresent A Stream of Consciousness, byBatmanlai Ontogtokh:

“I love improving myself. Physically inthe gym. Monday Wednesday Thursday, legs

tris and chest. Tuesday. Thursday, shouldersback. Alittle cardioon the

 we e k e n d . Abs. Beingr e a l l ycontrolleda b o u te a t i n g .

Counting carbs. Counting macros. So youcould count the grams of protein carbs and

fat you eat every day. Keep a certain ratio.Playing around with it.” Afterwards he may or may not have

shown us the “bigger than average” batmantattoo on his ass. Out of respect for Batman’sprivacy,  Rumpus won’t reveal whether or not

 we saw the tattoo. But we did and it was sick.Unfortunately for everybody, Batman

is taken; he has a girlfriend named Claire. When asked about Claire, he says, “uh...herhobby is making faceswaps of her friends onphotoshop. That’s a one blurb kind of thing.”

“Anything else?”“That’s all I can tell you.”

 And we never saw Batman again.—EUGENIA ZHUKOVSKY 

“I, Annie Nelson, am oneof Yale’s hottest people…oh my god I’m just kidding.I’m going to get so muchshit for this,”  Rumpus pretends to cross out notesas this big city specimen

retracts her bold whisperover lukewarm black teaat Chaps. Like a bro, shetakes her tea with literally

nothing. Maybe a splash ofmilk.  Rumpus  suggest that

 Annie Nelson (MC ‘18)“milk” her 50 Most status,but she does not have thetime to entertain our idioticpep talk considering herenrollment in five classes,presumably all of them in

 American Studies. She’s not“exhausted, per se, it’s justa lot.” Her stress couldn’t

show less. In fact, Nelsonhas cool piercings andnormal parents who don’t

like her piercings.This beautiful sophomore

 with a full course load isfrom New York City, the Cityof Dreams and No Sleeping.“Tha city?”  Rumpus  asks.“Haha. Manhattan,” Nelson

corrects, gracefully. Sheeven self-identifies as a blasé

 jew: Seinfeld and bagelsand parties at AEPi. Annie

tells that we are not Jewish even though wemay participate in theseactivities, too. But sinceher time at Fieldston,

 Annie has joined“way too many frattyorganizations” at Yale, by

her own standards. Beyondher bursting academicschedule, Nelson is verysocially committed.

During a brief butthorough investigation,I discovered that Nelsonclassifies Fence Club, theSki Team, DRAMAT, andher roommates alternately as“sick” or “dope.” “It’s gonnagive off the impression

that I’m really fratty anddrink a lot but actually I

 just got roped into these

organizations; I’m a normalperson.” Anyway, her drinkof choice is Pinot Grigio,

 which Fence continuallyrefuses to serve in lieu of ducttaped forties. Annie may notself-identify as a “bro,” but

her literal brother is nowher literal bro across severaldifferent extracurriculars.Her dad was even captainof the Silliman IntramuralDrinking Team in the 80s.This year, the Ski Team wentto the Middlebury Bowl; “it

 was dope.”The rest was a blur:

“Shouldn’t you be in fence?”“All your friends are;” “Rush,

rush, you should rush;” “Areyou saying you don’t want tomeet new people?” “You justhave to go to two parties andone rush event or one partyand two rush events;” “You

 would totally get in!” “The junior year needs girls…and you have ins;” “Are youmore antiestablishment than

 Eugenia Zhukovsky?” After paying our dues

for Fence,  Rumpus  asked Annie to describe her Yaleexperience in one word

and she offered four:“ C o m i n g … i n t o … m y

 weirdness.” In high school,Nelson tried to pretendshe wasn’t an awkwardperson, but she says shehas since embraced it, and

people seem to enjoy it. “I just think a lot of thingsare really adorable andthen I scream at them. Andalso, I ask reaaallllly loudquestions,” I leaned in tomake out the hushed tonesof Annie’s secrets.

In the future, thisradiant fratstar hopes toone day be a social workeror a clinical psychologist.

Preferably both. “I’m reallynot that fratty.” Anotherdream is to be taken outfor a date where she getsto blaze and go bowling orpainting.

“Sure, I’m going todrink and smoke when I’molder but I’m not going tobe doing fucking EdwardForty Hands.”

—ALICIA LOVELACE

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Sabrosura fills a particular nichein the Yale dance community.Infused with Latin music anddance, graced with curves on

 v o l u p t u o u sbodies, ands p i r i t u a l l yconnected toL a t i n i d a d ,this group

is more than just a dance team.They’re a family. If you are evertrying to bless yourself with theireffortlessly sexy body rolls, theydo have a show each semester and

 will occasionally perform at othershowcases. Informally, though,

they unleash body rolls at parties,libraries, and family gatherings.“Freshman screw was insane. Wemet up and literally set up chairs

for lap dancesin the cornerof Commons.

 We threw ina few twerktrains, too,”

 Arizona Greene, co-Presidentalong with Miguel Paredes, shared.

 When asked if they weresurprised about their selection for50 Most, reactions varied. Somehad seen it coming: “have you seenus?” Some were “humbled.” Fabian

Fernandez, though, had more of anemotional reaction to the big news.“I’m surprised, but not surprised.Sabrosura has traditionally beenthe underdog of dance teams, butnot this year.”

 While  Rumpus  suspects thatthe ability to work in unisonis pretty crucial for any dancegroup, Sabrosura goes above

and beyond. They literally havesynchronized twerking. We can’tfathom how much practice it takesbefore one has total control overthe momentum fluxes of theirasscheeks. But we like imagining it.

 Rumpus  got the low-down on

some more of Sabrosura’s picks.Read on.

Favorite team activity: SabroParties—venmo Sam Garcia $5 ifyou’re tryna come through.

Team animal: Sex panther.Team sex position: Definitely

the wheelbarrow. Demonstration was provided.

Team song: La vida es un

carnaval.  Rumpus  notes that this was not the consensus.

Given the sexy nature of theirdance style,  Rumpus  wanted tohear if there was a lot of pent-upincestual sexual tension withinSabrosura. “Sabro is into each

other for sure, in the dance kind of way.” Hmmm. Tell us more. Oneexasperated member proclaimed,“yo we need MORE DICK [in thegroup]. Men, please try out.” If you

 want to check out Sabrosura thissemester, they have a show comingup in late April. You better act assoon as tickets go on sale, though,because synchronized twerking

sells out.—VIVIANA ANDAZOLA

MARQUEZ

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They say that you cantell a lot from how a persontakes five steps.  Rumpus doesn’t know who “they”is, or whether there’s anytruth to that statement, butit seems plausible, so we’llbuy it. After all, look atRhythmic Blue (RB). Thisis a group that understandstheir bodies, knows how to

talk about them and—best ofall—knows how to take fivesteps, synchronized! It’s nosurprise RB was the winnerof  Rumpus’ hot-button 50Most Facebook contest,

beating out the likes of Whim ‘n Rhythm and somesophomore with a nicelychiseled chin. While most

 Yalies aresedentary,stagnant,sad, andsingle, RBis shakingt h e i r

bodies! Am i r a c l e .

   Rumpus  felt this was a sight we had to seefor ourselves, so on a bleakSunday afternoon, we

crawled out of our dank,dark lair (Welch basement,roll thru) and hit the road.Given RB’s tendency towards

m o t i o n ,and lotsof it, its h o u l dc o m eas nos u r p r i s e

that theyrehearse

in Watson Hall on SachemStreet. If you have no clue

 where that is, fear not; Rumpus  didn’t either. The

furthest we go is Box 63.Nonetheless, we set out,determined to get a glimpseof the self-proclaimed“man trap” in action.

  The sun was high,but the path ahead waslong. For the first block ortwo,  Rumpus  felt strong.But alas, unlike RB, withoutour morning rum&coke

 Rumpus  has a pretty toughtime “breaking it down.”There were moments when

 we began to fret we wouldn’tmake it at all. Each pace

 was a greater struggle than

the last. Our legs achedand our knees knockedtogether, weak but desperateto carry the weight of athousand weed brownies

 we had just consumed.  Human movement

is a wonder, isn’t it? The way millions of nerveendings and tendons and

 joints all work together to

set one in motion. Walkingup Prospect Street,  Rumpus began to see the world, andour place in it, through neweyes. We may not be ableto twerk, to whip or nae

nae, to bump or grind, topull off a fireman’s carry oreven make it through thehora, but we (and you!) can

 walk through the world,human beings alive andkicking, figuratively at least.

  But of course,RB can do all of thesethings, and then some,and that’s cool too.

—EVE SNEIDER 

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 Aakeem Andrada- Allahjah (ES ’18) hasfangirls. On his Instagram(39.4k followers), middleschool girls tag theirfriends and shower him

 with heart-eye emojisand adoring comments:“He’s so hot,” “Justmarry me,” and “I.LOVE. YOU.”  Rumpus is considering extendingour 50 Most distributionnetwork to include moreof Connecticut’s pre-teenreadership.

 What “madethat bitch famous?” Two

summers ago, Aakeemstarred in Youtube realityseries “Summer Break.”The show documented theadventures and dramasof a group of Californianteens the summer beforethey headed off to college.

 Even at Yale, the man’sgot loyal fans.

 A Santa Monicanative who loves surfing,

 Vans with socks, andSig Nu, Aakeem issurprisingly chill as hedescribes his celebritystatus. When he shows

 Rumpus  his “SummerBreak” bio video, hecringes and chuckles *self-deprecatingly*. Aakeem

spends most of the videodoing shirtless flips intopools, which is pretty cool.

  “When I firstgot here, I’d be at fratparties and stuff and

people would recognizeme,” laughs Aakeem.“Especially at Soads. Lotsof Qpackers.” When fanscome up to him, he hugsthem and take selfies—hisselfie game has improvedaccordingly. “I kill theselfie. But I used to makeonly one face,” he recalls,adding that he often asksthe people who approach

him who’s their favorite“Summer Break” castmember, but not in amasturbatory way. “I tellthem not to lie if it wasn’t

me. When I find out who [their favorite] was,I try to Facetime [theirfavorite] so they get to say

hi.” Swoon. Aakeem, who

says he wants to moveback to California forgrad school after Yale,is hella modest: heuses the word “hella.”He calls himself “not

a big deal” mere minutesafter admitting he is oftenasked to sign autographs.

 When asked how he’smanaged to stay so cooldespite hordes of (often

 virtual) admirers, Aakeemattributes his level-headedness to the SoCallifestyle. “People here havemore of an agenda andaren’t as laid back. But weknow it’s all good, and it’sstill gonna be 80 degreesand sunny tomorrow.”

 When he’s notsigning autographs, orbalancing his perfectly

unbalanced Instagramratio, Aakeem can befound hanging with fratbros or his friends in Thetaand Pi Phi. This “Pi Phi

Sweetheart,” becameclose with sororitiesthrough his sister, analumna. They watchTV that’s not even on

 YouTube. His favorite

show is The Office—he thoughtfully admitsthat while he wouldlove to say he’s Jim,“[he] wouldn’t be madif [he] were Creed.”

 Aakeem is nostranger to celebrity,and humbly takes his50 Most nomination instride. “It’s a cool honor,and all my friends will

probably joke about it,”he says. Before we go, we ask Aakeem whathe wants his identifierto be. After thinkinglong and hard (ow ow),he decides on “mostpleasant to be around.”

 Yeah, that’s not goingto happen.

—RACHELTREISMAN

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 When  Rumpus  named SanaMojarradi (SM ’18) one of Yale’s 50Most Beautiful People, we sent heran email asking for an interview, to

 which Sana was like, “UnfortunatelyI cannot promise an interview.”

“It’s like… I don’t know if you…it’s like a key part of the process,” Rumpus  sputtered loudly, seated at acorner table beneath a crucifix in SaintThomas More. “I don’t know if like…I want to be clear that it wasn’t reallyan option. You like…you have to.”

“I’m actually on a leave of absence,”Sana continued when we gave her thechance. “I had to take one. I’m stuckin Iran,” she said, to which  Rumpus responded “Wait what,” gathering

ourselves to dig deeper, carefullythough—our only prior experience

 with ex-pats being Midnight inParis. “What do you mean ‘stuck’?”

Sana had a rough trip to Turkey,guys. She travelled there with

 YIRA over winter break to studythe Syrian refugee crisis and foundherself in a crisis of her own. Having

 just returned from the hospitalfollowing a 45-minute bloody nose(unrelated but important for Sana-

and-the-Terrible-Horrible-No-Good-Very-Bad-Day context), she

 was turned away by customs at the

airport on account of something weird with her Visa. “So now I’mstuck in Iran” Sana says, (she’dstopped there on her way home fromIstanbul), “and I can’t leave until my

lawyer works the whole thing out.” Rumpus was, frankly, shocked by

this story, and for the first time evertook a moment to appreciate beingin a constitutional republic with

guaranteed rights to life, liberty, andthe pursuit of happiness and petitionand freedom. “So like… are youokay?” we asked, concerned. “YeahI’m good. I go for walks and stuff,”Sana says. Turns out Sana is from Iranoriginally, which makes the wholething slightly less weird, but not thatmuch less weird. She moved to theStates in sixth grade with her mother,

 who wanted to finish her degreeprogram in America. Sana attended

a private Islamic school in New Jersey before coming to Yale, whereshe joined the YIRA trip to Turkey

(then Tehran) without exit options.It’s an ironic fate for someone

 who doesn’t get out much. “Well, what’s your favorite New Havennightlife establishment?”  Rumpus 

asks abruptly, diving for

familiarity warm embrace.(Sana had quite literally

 just broken through somekind of NATO firewallto booty call us from anIslamic theocracy. It washot but, like most things

that are hot, also nerve-wracking.)Box? Rudy’s? Toad’s? “My

common room,” Sana says.Monday through Friday, Sana

is running policy for the Muslim

Students Association, running lapsfor the Women’s Rugby team, andrunning data for that Math and

 Econ major— there is only so muchenergy to go around. “Yeah, there’sa lot going on during the week so Ilike to just hang out in my commonroom