#3 Carbohydrates

8/3/2019 #3 Carbohydrates

1/22

WHAT

WHITE

ELEPHANT

THENOVEMBERISSUE


2/22


3/22

CONTENTS

HOROSCOPES

SHORT STORYEDITORS LETTER

FOREGROUND

HELLO EVERYONEOur resident audiophile dissects his iTuneslibrary to share some of his favorite (and

highly recommended) tunes

MADCAP, BEDLAM& GOLIATHStrippers, doctors, and church; one mansjourney of self discovery of making plentyof poor decisions and type 2 diabetes

CARBOHYDRATES

Our resident whiskey & hooker experttackles a rant on carbs, nature vsnurture, cocaine & Tony Stark

MUSINGS

PAST HISTORY; A STORYOF STUFF & THINGS

Remembering the good ole days; a storyfor the ages about anything older than 40

CARBS & ALIENS &BEARS, OH MY!A explorative look at-- hey look!a distraction & another diversion

BEHIND THE PAINT

An introspective exam on everyonesfavorite fast food joint, complete withpedophiles, meth heads & Nazis

POETRY & PROSEA deviled tongue, rhyme viscious

edible spoken words, just delicious

...2

...4

...6

...7

...8

...9

...12

WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT THENOVEMBERISSUE

STUFF & THINGS

HELLO EVERYONEOur resident audiophile dissects his iTunes

library to share some of his favorite (andhighly recommended) tunes

HELLO EVERYONEOur resident audiophile dissects his iTuneslibrary to share some of his favorite (andhighly recommended) tunes

NO RED MEAT,NO REFINED SUGARS

SHORT STORY (CONT.)THINGS OVERHEARDTHE GUEST LIST

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...15

...18

...19

...20

WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT SPONSOREDBYCARBOHYDRATES

1

13 19

4

13

16

6

8

...16

...13

...10


4/22

ARIES - Dont be araid tohate your mother this month,its not like you were planned. It willbe a good time to actually comeout o the closet. It will eel a lotlike admitting you enjoyed watchingCharmed except everyone wont as-

sume youre a total bottom. Thereare people who wish bad thingsupon you merely because you are aminority. Trust your instincts.

TAURUS - No onelikes sloppy seconds so keep your

hands to yoursel. You might eel theurge to succeed at work this month,but nothing will happen because youarent as qualied as you think youare. Try crying less to strangersbecause nothing smells worse thanvulnerability. The best things in lie

have to do with sex. No one buysthe cow without trying the milk rstand you were destined to be groundchuck anyway.

GEMINI - You are a great liarwhich will come in handy with mat-ters o the heart. Keep that fing asecret or as long as you can, butdont be surprised to nd out youvebeen given an incurable disease.No one is perect and now you area ew more degrees less than notperect. Keep your chin up.

CANCER - The best things

in lie are ree which is agood thing in your situation particu-larly. Lie is ull o challenges andyou are no exception. Try somethingnew like learning to read or watchpublic television. You might just besurprised how good just giving itaway eels.

LEO - Be proud o yourselthis month because no oneelse is going to be. Everyone

might compliment you, but that isbecause you indirectly ask them to.Everyone loves a lush. Drink as muchas possible this month because weall know you have a lot you need toorget. That mistake you called alover last month is going to spreadsome rumors about you but unor-tunately they will be true. Size doesmatter ater all.

VIRGO - Whatever. Have youever had a riend that no matterhow many times they beg or ad-vice, they still do the exact oppositeo what you suggest to them? Itsokay though... Im over it now. I kindo eel sorry or you anyway, again,and so does everyone around you.Yes, even your mother. Im not go-ing to say I told you so, becausethats part o syphilis job. Anyway,good luck at your new job, youllprobably be red in a month anyway.

horoscopesEVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE FUTURE

BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK

2 FUTUREDIVINATIONS


5/22

CAPRICORN - There is aTaurus in your lie that

might ask or a promotion, but dontgive it to them because they arentqualied. You might eel badly aboutsomething trivial, but dont beatyoursel up too badly. Telling ev-eryone that the Leo you dated lastmonth has a small penis will makeyou seem edgy and cool. Tell asmany people as possible.

AQUARIUS - Youre a realwinner this month. While most peopletranslate your eccentricity as a charm-ing character faw, youre actuallymasquerading the act youre a sel-absorbed asshole while passing it all

o socially as a charming characterfaw. Dick bag. Youve been busy allmonth with repetitively stroking yourown ego, and just like a selsh ass-hole youll orget the basic things inlie; talking to people, caring, or evenshowing up at your best riends birth-day party. Dick bag.

PISCES - Its unny whenyour wrong and you apparently loveto make people laugh. Disregardobviously good decisions becauseevolving is overrated and a wasteo time. The last thing you need is

success because its not as un asdowngrading. Try jumping o o highplaces to eel a rush because youonly have to pay bills i you open theenvelope. Children will be scared oyou this month so withdrawal yourresume rom that ater school pro-gram. Dont be too proud to beg.

LIBRA - Party animal! Youvegot to start calming down soon. Justbecause someone says you shouldlet loose, doesnt mean its an openinvitation to take o your pants. Al-though, romance is in the air. Whenyoure not busy clubbing or dancing,and drinking until your liver implodesyou might want to pay on your stu-dent loan. An Aquarius probablypissed you o last month so ignoreall those txt messages; theyll get the

hint eventually.

SCORPIO - Dont be araidto lose your job-- a lot o people are.You always seem to land on youreet anyway. You are going to get

some great news around the 16thbut dont let it go to your head. Ev-erything that goes up must comedown and everyone who is happywill eventually break a rib in a ran-dom bar ght. The last thing anyonewants to see is a sloppy Scorpio.

SAGITTARIUS Not everyone can say theyhave been to the places you have.Not everyone can lie as well as youbut dont let this talent ool youbecause no one really cares. Takeup a hobby that makes you look alittle less like a douche bag and youmight actually be taken seriously.Pay attention to restraining orders,but remember that whatever hap-pen that no one sees... doesnt ac-tually happen. Youre not crazy, justspoiled.


6/22

rAMeN ForT

4 ASHORTSTORYOFRAMEN

We dig, Hairy said, sweating,hand-scooping the loose sand. We

dig until the diggings done. Its theend o the road; this is all wevegot.

He had a point. Brianlooked back the way theyd come,at the tortured skyline theyd es-caped. Theyd entered the city toscavenge supplies and rations, hav-ing exhausted other options. Withina day, the Rippers came, foodingout o doorways and alleys, hurlingrocks, howling or blood.

Taking to the sewers hadworked: Hairys crazy notionswere paying o lately. Ater ama-ddening chase they lost the man-eaters, emerging by chance onthe opposite side o the city theydapproached rom. To the west, asprawling city with a thousand hos-

tile eyes. To the East, nothing buttowering sand dunes.End o the road, boomed

a deep voice over Brians shoulder.It was Jazz, normally the quiet one,smiling down at him. Jazz ques-tioned with his eyes and gestured

back towards Hairy, red-aced andsputtering over an indentation inthe sand. Jazz and Brian ell in be-side him as he causght his breath,and they all dug together.

Theyd been wandering thedunes when Jazz stopped. Hed

been behind the other two when hestopped, but they elt him stop, be-

cause Jazz didnt stop what he wasdoing unless it was important. Heled them to a fat spot o cementthe driting winds hand uncovered.It was clearly the roo o a build-ing, likely one that had been buriedsince the War. With the three othem working, they cleared awaythe debris rom the roo, eventuallynding its limit and working back tothe center. Hairy talked on, philos-ophizing on what sort o building itwould be, and what treasures theywould nd inside. Jazz smiled andnodded at just the right times. Bri-an said nothing; between Hairy al-ways being right and Jazz being thequiet one, there was nothing let tosay at all.

Eventually they ound a roo

access hatch. Hairy let out a warwhoop and they poured into thespace. The top foor oces wereunny and dim. Ater some um-bling around, Brian ound a fash-light and a resh pack o batteries.They orged out o the oces into a

cavernous space that, as they reck-oned, took up the bulk o the build-ing. The fashlights swinging beamsheened o something strange,and Hairy ordered them orwardto investigate. The silvery glint be-came rows o columns o palates

Marshall Edwards III


7/22

So... Brian chose hiswords careully, so as not to getthrown around by his neck again.He gestured down at the shabbywall Hairy had, which stretched ashigh up as the shin in some places.

Whats your plan to get the Romanblocks taller than this?

Hairy looked at his paltrywall, wracking his brain. Well,we... we need some o that stickystu. You know like they build with?Its brick and muster, or mudder,

or...Jazz put his hand on Hairys

shoulder, and Hairy turned. In Jazzshands was a round tin. He crackedthe lid to reveal a thick gray-brownpaste with a separated liquid foat-ing on top. The other two huddledin close to inspect.

Hairy locked eyes with thegunk, his brow curdled as he readthe label. Ta-hee-nee. What thehell is this?

Mortar, Jazz beamed.Brian stuck a nger in the mix,swirled it, and held it up to his ace.Ater an experimental sni he lickedthe nger clean. Tastes kind olike... peanut mortar.

o plastic rectangular ones. Braingently removed one rom a box andheld it to the light or them to allread the packaging.

Ramen, it said.-----

Romans. I reaking knew it. Hairygrunted, hauling another palette onoodles by rope through the rooaccess. This used to be a Ro-man ort. You know back in Romantimes.

Miraculously, Brian had

something to say. I-is that true? Idont think they made it this ar.

Hairy dropped the box witha crunch and grabbed Brian by thethroat. No? NO, you dont thinkso!? You dumbass! They made toIndia, and to Egypt, and they damnsure made it here! I mean hell - whydo you think we speak English? Hethrew Brian aside and picked upa box o ramen and slammed intoplace on the ramparts. The Ro-mans came here. It says Romanon the ucking package.

Brian got to his eet, rubbinghis anguished neck. He picked upa little plastic package and shookit, the contents jingling inside. Sowhy do you think they wrappedthese bricks up one at a time?

Hairy rowned, pausing inhis work. Hell, I dunno. I cantthink o everything. Maybe it wasmore aectionate that way.

Ecient. Jazz had ap-peared behind them, setting downa big box o noodles.D

CONTINUEDONPAGE 18


8/22

6 EDITORSLETTER

everyoNe

dies Peanut Scholar

So, the most difficult,but best possible article ideacame to me. It would help mein that anonymous attentionwhore, look at my ideas andgive them validation kind ofway. I cant want to take re-sponsibility for it, and I dontwant to explain it, at all. I tellabout my guilty feelings with-

out having a reason to think Icould be blamed for a wrongfuldeath. What was I doing withhim? He was one who had putin hours into books and philos-ophies. I want to know what hehad to tell.

Its not my first time of

seeing or hearing of my partnerin crime suffering consequenc-es much more painful thanmine. I dont know why or howIve escaped unmarred so manytimes. Its not fair, but Ive nev-er known the world to be fair.

Ive definitely paid something,but for a long time my biggestthorn in the side was my lackof a freakout. What did I do?Shut down? Take some time toevaluate how things are going?He has friends that I see. I kindof think of it all as that time

of my life, but I dont knowwhat they see or feel.

A lot has changed sincethen. Ive bought a cheap car,Ive gone through two jobs, butIve not moved out on my own.My family doesnt worry like

they used to. Ive proven my-self to be consistent enough tono longer be dangerous. Thatis more than I could ask for, es-pecially how soon I was given,

granted, had earned some ofthat. Not scaring people.

His friends are aroundme, and I like to avoid them,but moreso Id like to apologizein a very impersonal kind ofway. I like avoiding them, but

I want to console them. I wishI could, I guess, clear my name-take responsibility by express-ing my guilt without saying Imguilty. Can I claim that we werepartners in our reckless behav-ior that night? Thats definitelyan edgy kind of thing. I can say

that life moves on. Mine will.Hell never get a chance to havea good day or a bad day; willnever wake up and piss on a dayby stubbing his toe; hell neverget to walk down this street.

N


9/22

Hello readers, this is Daniel Paulbringing you Novembers music articlefor What White Elephant.

There are a few new sonicgems I have discovered recently that I would love to share with you. The firstis the new album by Tori Amos ti-tled Night Of Hunters that was re-leased on September 20 in the UnitedStates. I have been listening to thisalbum for several days now and am

truly inspired. Night Of Huntersis a 21st century classical song cy-cle that carries the concept of a woman who finds herself in the dyingembers of a relationship as stated byTori Amos herself. Each songhas these amazing pianomelodies that pay tribute to

composers such as Schubert,Chopin, and Bach. Anothergreat aspect of the album isthe debut of Toris daughtersinging on five different tracks. Herdaughters role on the album is a shapeshifting, childlike-creature who rep-resents duality as well as the hunt-er and the hunted. She guides Toriback in time taking her on a peyotehallucination to further expand hermind helping her realize that shelost her own strength and fire when sheleft her world in favor of her lovers world.

Toris evolution over thespan of her career has been, inmy opinion, a substantial one. She

always has the most interesting con-cepts backed up by lyrics that are juxtaposed with ancient mythologyand modern themes. Night Of Hunt-ers for anyone that is a Toriphile will be pleasantly surprised by thisalbum. In my opinion it falls some- where between her two albums

Scarlets Walk and The Beekeeper where she really explores the ideof the repressed feminine side with-in society, which cripples us boysmore than we know. Props to theladies! Despite the title which in-sinuates a darker concept, Night Of

Hunters is a very hopeful and some- what positive album. It really folows the idea of self-discovery andinner strength regardless of wheth-er you are a man or a woman end-ing with a beautiful ballad of rebirth,but dont worry there is plen-ty murky, obscure Tori-bits to

keep us fans pleasantly satisfied.Another album I was intro-

duced to by my best friend is oneby the name of Ghostbird by ZeeAvi. This 26 year old musician has

a very soft, melodic, Poly-nesian sound. Her rhythmsare sure to stick in your head

and not at all be unwelcomedfor the length of time theydecide to hangout in there. Ihave been chanting the song

Concrete Wall for two weeks now,Boom Sha Clack-Clack, Boom ShaClack-Clack! I look forward to seeing thisartist do well, because she is a true talent.

A few other artists I haverecently been loving are EbonyBones! (with the exclamation point) whose debut album is titled Bone OfMy Bones. Beth Dittos EP I WroteThe Book, who is the vocalist forthe band The Gossip and has always been a joy to listen to. And lastbut not least Beiruts third studio

album The Rip Tide which I believe will be one album I listen to quite abit when all snuggled in on a coldday. It just has that wintery ambiance,and his voice is just so damn sexy.

Hope you enjoyed, Daniel Paul

hellon

P

MUSICALINFLUENCE 7


10/22

First o... I am writing this onmy Blackberry and I dont know why butwhenever I do I seem to orget wordsor misspell obviously easy words...maybe because the screen is smallerand harder to read... maybe cause I canonly use my thumbs to type. Now thatthat is out o the way, another preaceto this is that my stupid cat is jumpingand crying at the wall or no apparentreason. Can cats see ghosts? O coursei it is a ghost its incredibly lazy becauseshe always goes to the same spot.

The point o this... abandon-ment issues and my poor taste in guys.Or should I say a hypothetical bad tastein guys completely unrelated to me be-cause I cannot remember i I am ace-book riends with any o them anymore.Regardless....lets look at my past in noparticular order.... hypothetically. A selproclaimed private party stripper whosold ecstasy (allegedly) at an aterbarat my apartment and asked permissionto make out with someone else or a6 pack. A doctor who reuses to meetme in public and doesnt even turn thelights on in his house when I would

come over.... a LOT o stubbed toes.The news anchor who enjoys watchingvideo ootage o himsel or hours and al-most chipped my tooth during oreplay.A dairy queen employee who orgot tobreak up with his boyriend but it didntmatter because he got arrested on the

way to our date. The guy with the kidwho is married to his ex boyriend. Andlast but denitely not least....the halwayhouse resident who I met at a bar...???....who on our third date went home with(see above) private party stripper ANDdairy queen employee at the same time.

What can I blame on this

string of bad luck?Im thinking its because when I was akid I went to church with my parents.

My dad was the preacherand church bus driver and I alwayswanted to ride the bus with him andall the old people he was dropping

o. I remember being CERTAIN theseold people had nothing but candyand gum and various conectionson them and thus being on the buswould give me sugar OVERLOAD. Ev-ery single time Id get to ride with himall Id score were Halls cough dropsand big red which I hate to this day.However, every time I wasnt able toride the bus I would cry my ass oeven though I never got what I wanted.

I think that church burneddown... all o those old people areor sure dead but the appeal o thecandy bus lives! All o these guys

that I mentioned in detail partiallyor entertainment value... partiallyto put in ront o me are like littlechurch candy buses that only o-er a bad taste in my mouth but stillmake me cry when I cant catch them.How do I put a stop to this behavior?

MAdcApbedlAM&goliATh

L8 MINDALTERINGRANTS

Madam Super Duper


11/22

cArbohydrATesYeti Detective

Of course, we cant talk aboutcarbohydrates without talking aboutfad diets. And we cant talk aboutfad diets without talking about peo-

ples stupid attitudes toward food.My least favorite idea in re-

gards to diet is, our natural, intend-ed diet. What in the holy fuck doesthat mean? Think about it. Did na-ture create us because there was anexcess of leafy, green vegetables,grains or bovines? No. Nature creat-

ed us because, duuuuuuuuur. Na-ture doesnt have intentions. Natureis not your fairy godmother. If natureintended you to not put billiard ballsin your mouth, she wouldnt havegiven you such a huge goddamnedcocksucker.

Seriously. Try it.

All nature really wants fromus is for us to make more peopleand then die. Thats why were hornyand mortal. She doesnt give a shitwhat you shove in your taco hole inbetween humping things and keel-ing over. So have a cupcake.

Unless youre diabetic. Thenmaybe dont. Want to be vegan?Do it. But thats not your natural,intended diet.

Want to subsist entirely onpuppy faces? Youre probably underway too much stress, seek help. Butalso, do it. Eat those puppy faces.Theyre probably chock full of pro-tein or something. But that is alsonot your natural, intended dietbecause thats not a real thing.

Nature gave us a lot of awe-some things: supernovae, jellyfsh,orgasms; but not purpose. Purposeis up to you. You have to decide itfor yourself.

CARBOHYDRATERANT 9

Is that hard? Fuck, no, it isnt.What kind of pussy are you?

There is literally NO wronganswer. Your life can mean any-thing you want it to. Me, personally,Im hoping to be Tony Stark: Iron-man by the age of 24. This is a dif-

fcult goal, as I am already 28. So Ihave to build a time-machine frst.And I just stopped being homelesstwo months ago. But thats for meto worry about. You can just be asocial worker or president or somebullshit.

And that leaves us with two

questions:Question 1: How the hell did

I get from carbohydrates to here?Question 2: Where did my gi-

ant pile of cocaine go?So, dear reader, before you

think about engaging in another faddiet, think about what Ive said here

today.No, wait. Think about sci-

ence. Dont think about what Ivesaid. Im powerfully deranged andpossibly unconscionably high oncocaine.

Unless Im not.Unless one of you stole my

drugs...And if that happened, I swear

to CHRIST that I will fnd you, I willget my staple gun, I will fold you inhalf, and I will make you into a one-man human centipede.

Human oroborus. Some-thing. Youll be really good at som-ersaults. But make no mistake, yournew found gymnastic prowess willnot outweigh the constant extremediscomfort of being folded in halfwith your lips stapled to your ass-hole.

I have to wander off now.


12/22

Walking in my back yard one

night, a mere fifty some years ago,I saw a young neighbor slipping upto scare his mother, pumping waterin the front yard. Quickly I plotteda plan,and running around my ownhouse, (I was young then) I (beingbarefoot) approached him and ashe approached his mother, I tapped

him on shoulder as he reached tofrighten her...

He fainted, his motherturned around and began scream-ing, What is going on here? I couldnot stop laughing...

You see in those days wemade our own entertainment, notelevision, or electronics to occupyour time. Time outside was a lot.There was no air to cool the house.And of course there were those fre-quent trips to the outside facilitycalled a toilet.

Each Halloween as we re-turned to school the following daywe would walk through town onour lunch hour, counting how manytoilets were over turned and howmany houses had been papered.

Soon one wise old man

decided to alter this tradition andmoved his toilet a few feet back-wards, spread branches in front ofit and covered them carefully withleaves. It happened to be very coldthat night, as the boys rushed upto push the building over, one fellinto the hole. The young men knew

they could not take the other youngman home this way, so went to riverto wash him off, after breaking theice, they proceeded to try to cleanthe young man up...an impossibletask, and one very cold young man

will never be interested in taking up

the old Halloween tradition again, Ifeel certain.And then there were mo-

ments when we shared things, wehad no telephone, so our neigh-bors said if we needed to make acall we could use their phone...Myhusband came back very talkative,

he said, their walls are made ofcardboard, and he wrote my nameon the wall.

pAsT hisTorysTory oF The Ages

Blanche 1941

10 STORYTIMEMEMORIES

Ainsertlaughter

g


13/22

turn it around and live on the farmfirst, and then the city but I can sureattest to the fact, so much genuinehistory of life before convenienceand self gratification became an

American way of life but I will al-ways remember getting kicked outof church because our dad boughta hellavision, however we founda new church soon. And clearingfields of the rocks, and drinking wa-ter at the spring that poured out of

the side of the hill... Thank God formemories, one can feed on them.But today is okay.... Life is so

easy, I ponder on the past, and takelife for as long as it will last...

In the country as a child,we attended the one room schoolhouse, but this was after living inthe City of Greeley, CO. Moving

way back into the backwoods...There we drove to West Plains orMt. Home, Arkansas to use thetelephone. The gas was hardly af-fordable but when Dad could get ahold of a dollar, at 17cents a gal-lon he could fill the tank on the car,he only believed in people drivingChevys... We had a big car andsomehow five of us sat in the back,

when we stopped to sleep, threewere on the seat, two in the floor,on occasions one found refuge inthe back window space..

I was queen of the getting

car sick society

When rest areas (makeshiftrest areas, as rest areas had notbeen invented) were found, boys

were directed to onearea and the women toanother. Dad would findbananas for a few cents apound and we would havea treat as we traveled. Me,I was queen of the getting car sicksociety, so often got toride in front. Old cars

smelled of gas One ofmy brothers was crying andMom asked. what is your problem,He said it was not fair becauseI would arrive where we were go-ing before he did because I was infront. I am not sure whether I would


14/22

Carbohydrates are good as fuck. Idont even know why were debat-ing this. Who doesnt like noodles?Noodles are delicious. Im not evensure where to go from here... Ivealready said what needs to be said.It would be redundant for me totalk about noodles anymore, solets explore something else.

Ive been watching the

television show, Ancient Alienson the History Channel. Its veryinteresting! The more I watch it, themore Im conviced that our ances-tors were visited by ancient alienastronauts. It makes more senseto me than most theories of humandevelopment Ive heard. I guesswhat Im trying to get at is that you

should defnitely check that shitout. Moving on...

Now Id like to take sometime to address a very serious issuein our great nation. Im talking ofcourse about bears. In the past fewyears the Bear Kingdom has beenspreading its borders within NorthAmerican. Theyre getting smarter,

and even worse, bolder by the day.That is why Im trying to spread bearawareness whenever I can. So justremember, bears are real, and theyare hungry for people. Knowing ishalf the battle...

So thats about all I got rightnow. I wish I had more interestingthings to say here, but I dont. So

Im wrapping it up right now. Peaceout for now. Bitches.

12 CARBS&ALIENS&BEARS,OHMY

cArbs & AlieNsANd beArs...

oh My

Jon Burrito


15/22

behiNdThe pAiNT

How many poorly thrown togeth-

er figureheads does it take to make the

youth of America go absolutely mental

over lunch and dinner choices? Just one.

Add to the mix a ragtag group of misfits

that have absolutely no place in fast food

marketing whatsoever and you have agold mine and the longest running trend

in the entire fast food industry. I am talk-

ing about none other than the scariest im-

age a child could ever hope to conjure;

Ronald McDonald and his quirky, some-

times edible friends. We will begin with

the ringleader himself and let our focustrickle down to his lesser known minions,

masquerading as lovable personifications

of fun and happiness. Not only is this mot-

ley crew of sketchy characters an inappro-

priate choice to

represent the

younger sideof the most

popular food

chain in history,

some of them are downright frightening.

The fear of clowns is a legitimate

psychological condition called coulro-

phobia wherein the sufferer exhibits aparalyzing fear of clowns. This is common

enough that when searching Google us-

ing the terms fear of, fear of clowns

was the fourth result. It can be billed to

your health insurance as a substantiated

medical diagnosis. Of course, the majority

of these phobics are not regular adults;functional people who hold down jobs

and pick up dinner for families on the way

home from said jobs. They are innocent

children; by definition complacent to the

decisions of their elders. To begin with

they are being fed the highest in gourmet

cuisine (ultra-processed slop dripping

with grease) expertly prepared (haphaz-

ardly assembled) by a trained chef (ap-

athetic, high school dropout with snot

creeping down his or her pock-marked

upper lip). So it only makes sense that to

further the strain on their circulatory sys-

tem they are force fed a garish, paintedface with blood-red hair, sunken eyes and

a grin to startle a great white staring at

them when it is time to chow down.

Ronald McDonald appeared in

1963 as a cheap knock-off of the popular

and exceedingly more innocuous Bozo

the Clown. His purpose is still a mystery.Wendys does not need a mascot to sell

kids cuisine. Nor does Jack in the Box,

Arbys, Taco Bell, Sonic, the list goes on

and on. He began his misbegotten

career as the face

of McDonalds in

spite of the factthat clowns have

little to no bear

ing on childrens

food. Objectively, he is no more than an ir-

relevant anachronism hastily outlined and

fleshed out just as quickly. A morbid hom-

age to medieval times where court jestersand fools would juggle, tumble or sing bal-

lads for royalty. Now, however, he peers

out hauntingly from paper bags and card-

board boxes known as Happy Meals.

Even discounting the obvious scare factor

of being a clown (and a non-imaginative,

surface level creation of a clown at that)he is a grown man wearing face paint and

a wig who takes groups of children on

magical adventures with no adult super-

vision. Suspicious to say the least, espe-

cially when you take into account that Mc-

Donaldland bears a striking resemblance

to the infamous Neverland Ranch.To the

Spike 2. Spike


16/22

14 BEHINDTHEPAINT(CONTINUED)

observant this screams child molester.

Draw your own conclusions from this,

but again consider that he is inherently

frightening to young children, he serves

no discernible purpose, he regularly drags

children off to an imaginary land with no

authority but himself, and he is easily ap-proaching 70 years old. By himself he is

a menace, but with the help of his friends,

theyve become a pandemic.

Clad in jailhouse garb, the Ham-

burglar is always in search of an easy

score. He cannot control himself long

enough to get a job and work for his din-ner like the rest of the world. He would

rather achieve instant gratification and

risk the judicial system of McDonaldland.

His fruitless endeavors invariably end up

ith either a failed attempt at petty theft,

or a rousing chase ensues wherein he is

always captured and the loot (a hamburg-er, yes a 99 cent pre-formed disc of heart

failure) is returned to its rightful owner.

Once again, the target audience here is

children. They are supposed to think it

amusing that a criminal is stalking their

lunch? A masked villain creeps up behind

you while you are enjoying a magic showor singing along with your friends and

STEALS YOUR FUCKING FOOD? Unac-

ceptable. The following question begs to

be asked: What is in those hamburgers

that someone would break out of jail and

assault a small child just to get their hands

on one? The answer is sad, yet obvious.

Meth. Meth heads are the only creatures

low enough to steal from the mouth of

an innocent youth. The Hamburglars be-

havior is a textbook example of a junkie

fiending for his next fix and he is noth-

ing more than a reminder of what rockbottom looks like. Certainly not the type

you want hanging around impressionable

youngsters.

Speaking of impressionable,

Birdie the Early Bird is no role model. Not

only are her flight patterns daring to say

the least, but her clumsiness and lack ofconcern for everyone in the vicinity active-

ly encourage other children to live their

own lives at similar breakneck speeds.

Birdie is a known alcoholic and takes to

the air after a bender with reckless aban-

don and no caution whatsoever for who

may be left broken and bloodied in herwake. She is without a doubt dangerous,

her extensive knowledge of karate not-

withstanding. These facts alone speak

to her instability, but to paint Birdie in an

accurate light there is still one vital piece

of information that has yet to be taken

into account. She is a BIRD and in com-mercial after commercial over the years

she can be seen feasting on none other

than chicken nuggets. She stuffs her gul-

let with tiny processed chicken patties

and no one seems to have any problem

with that. Birdie is a flight risk and admit-

ted CANNIBAL. Devoid of morals, it hasbeen long speculated that Birdie some-

times aids in the capture of her feathered

brethren for immediate processing and

subsequent deep-frying. Eating your own

race has long been denounced as terri-

bly improper behavior in todays society;

H


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the less fortunate and the innately retard-

ed. Grimace is of indeterminate gender

and is seldom referred to by name since

no one actually knows what it is. Male, fe-

male, alien, gelatinous blob. The list goes

on and on. It is also subject to panic at-

tacks, inspiring epic tantrums and freakouts which put all of the other occupants

of McDonaldland at risk. Like a rabid dog,

Grimace should not be associated with or

approached.

In conclusion McDonaldland is a

nightmare world of corruption, full of in-

significant spokespersons with their ownsordid histories. As far as mascots go,

they could not have chosen a worse band

of characters. Ronald McDonald is a pa-

thetic outdated excuse for a clown and

a creepy child molester, luring his quar-

ry with promises of soda and fast food

treats. The Hamburglar is a career crimi-nal with no hope of reform. A drug abuser

who will prey on even the youngest child

to get what he so desperately craves.

Birdie is a modern day Hitler, selling out

her an entire society to make a buck

and then cannibalizing them when the

deal has been struck. She is also a drunkdriver and shows no signs of remorse for

her crimes. The Fry Kids are Neo-Nazis

on the prowl for fresh recruits to boost

their numbers. Grimace is at best a po-

tentially violent and emotionally unstable

transsexual and cannot be relied upon for

any semblance of rational thought. Mc-Donalds has mistakenly chosen these un-

touchables for their trademark appeal to

children everywhere. One can only hope

that in future generations these invalid ref-

erences will be retired and the children will

once again be safe.

however Birdie has made a career out of

it. Flaunting her dismissal of ethics and

conduct, she consistently contributes to

the genocide of her own race.

Not far behind her are the Fry

Kids. First of all, they are walking talking

food. Their origin remains a mystery asdoes their biological makeup. Quite pos-

sibly a mass hallucination from drinking

the orange soda on tap all throughout

McDonaldland, they are little more than

cannibals themselves as they frequently

dine on their fellow side dishes. When

viewing from afar it is difficult to tell onefrom another. They all dress alike and

travel solely in small groups, shunning

others that are not like them. Adoles-

cent superficiality maybe, but the reality

begs to be brought to light. This is typical

gang behavior. These hooligans roam the

streets, skateboarding and roller bladingdown the sidewalk and generally run un-

checked. Fully cognizant of themselves

and nothing more, the Fry Kids with their

sociopathic demeanor are a poor exam-

ple to kids looking to make friends or to

fit in and remain productive members of

society. The most cumbersome, useless

character of them all, Grimace is also

the most dim-witted. Its catch phrase

is Duh and it is often confused on the

simplest of tasks, becoming angry when

something becomes difficult or challeng-

ing. It is still unclear what creature exactlyGrimace is supposed to be, other than a

walking, morbidly obese punch bag. It is

frequently picked on for having such a low

IQ and is in fact so incredibly stupid, that

it does not realize it is being made fun

of. Grimace goes right along with all the

insults, smiling the slow, dreamy smile of


18/22

16 POETRY&PROSE

We trip on the lovelet fopping about.Im still striving to bean apple tree,while Im honestly busybeing a thunderstorm,all electric emotion rumbling

on the wind twistedbelieving whatever I believe...

Like how we are all soincredibly amazingI am sure that someday,even through this animal hidewe are wearing,

we will all understand howimportant we are.

Ill remember, that some teardrops twinkle in moon beamsto remind us we leak star shineand those o us who do are thesparkliest o refies.

So sew your songs to your soul,wave your banners or take upyour pens because it onlytakes a butterfys wingto change history.

REFLECTIONS OFA BUTTERFLY

Michelle Nimmo

Ive been snipping weeds with

shears sharpened with my ear,orgetting all along I could haveripped them out by the roots.

I need to remember,I bought a ticket to thisroller coaster rideremember that sometimes

the warning sign says,not all rainbows take tobeing meat sacks.

I need to remember,that I cant always seewhats in ront o methat the track may drop oon the dream side,that motion sicknessis just a secondary,to all this creating I am capableo.

I need to rememberthat I am a git,not just that I have one,

just like you are.

We need to remember,to give ourselves permission

to eel the river runningthrough our veinsbecause none o us really wantsto be in the do-over line

when we are done this time.

We dont want to be a re-run oall the races we didnt try to win.but most o us, orget to tie thelaces on our living.

p

oeT

ry


19/22

&proseUNTITLEDPeanut Scholar

A man without many riends has a lot

going or him.Without needing to worry aboutthe things that usually comes alongwith a riend, he has time or truly moreimportant things.

He can tan.He can walk (and talk) with him-

sel in the sun.He can stu his mouth with ood

and talk till it all alls out. He has none toimpress.He can study the interesting in-

dentions his toenails make on his shoes.He can read a lot o books, and

establish a creativeness so rad that hisction can be stranger than truth.

He can fip o and tell o everysoul he knows, and not lose any steps

rom where he started that day; Until hetells o someone with a gun.He can start a arm.Start an irrigation system.Start killing thingsStart harvesting pumpkins.He can nd lonely people to

watch and decide i hes doing it better.He can avoid eeling sorry or

the people that dont really make a dier-ence.He can do everything or him-

sel, and do nothing or others.alienation!

He can say there is somethingnot to do

and nobody will argue.He can travel, and not worry

about having to remember things to tellor show people.He can avoid remembering lots

o things.He can avoid impressing/de-

pressing people.He can stay to himsel.He can talk to himsel.He can walk by himsel.

He can avoid me. .

UNTITLED

The Man With The Green Hat

Doug Deeperwas Floyd Pinkus.He kept his costumein a hall closetat his Uncle Lems.NowFloyd Pinkusonly arose to occasionoccasionally.So you had to be thereto see it see.But I warn yait warnt pretty sight..Ella Bowwas Bone Red.She kept secretsin a hall closetwithout costumes.NowBone Redonly sang long bluesballsy.So you had to hear itto be near it.But I warn yathem two aint right.

S


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18 NOREDMEATNOREFINEDSUGARS

---It was a good aternoon.

Jazz rationed out some water, andBrian ound some shellacking toolsand spoons or the tahini. Theymade good progress, but no onecould discern what to do with thelittle silver packets that were pilingup. Hairy decided that, i the mor-tar could be eaten, maybe the Ro-man bricks could be too. Ater a

hard-scrabble crunch that let Hairyspitting out bloody brick bits, he de-cided they werent edible.

The silver packets, theyound, were a boon. The powder in-side was vaguely edible, especiallyi chased with a shot o water. Bri-

an liked the yellow ones the best.The ort was the only sign olie east o the city. They lookedtowards the metropolis with theassurance that many eyes lookedback. The rippers hadnt come orthem yet, but the sun was still in the

sky. The trio had gathered anythingworth throwing to the rootop, but itwas all or naught i it was too darkto aim.

Water, said Jazz, break-ing the silence. Brian looked at thetaller boy: he wasnt oering water,

and i he was demanding it, therewas a little water close at hand. Helooked to Hairy or guidance, buthe was slumped over and dozing.

And then Brian smellled it.He knew the smell rom when thethree boys belonged to a largeramily travelling together throughthe desert wilderness. Brians par-ents and Hairys parents and a ewothers. They were raiding an oldhigh-rise, combing the maze o cu-bicles or anything valuable. Oneo them cried with joy when theybusted open a supply closet metaldoor to nd rotund, sloshing jugs o

water. In good spirits, they carriedthe jugs down the stairs to the stag-ing area. At the top o the stairs,someones grip slipped and a jugwent tumbling, smashing againstthe landing. For the rest o the day,the smell o water hung in the air,

deliciously heavy.That was what they smellednow. In the northern sky a shadowstretched towards them, a airy taletheyd read about but had neverdared to expect. The rolling cloudsdipped closer, riding a muggy wind.

The ort would ail and washaway. The Rippers would come orthem soon. But now, on the eve othe rst rain hed seen in his sixteenyears, there was nothing to do butsit back and watch.

> CONTINUEDFROMPAGE 5

1


21/22

TweNTyeighT

ThiNgsoverheArd

Thats because you smell like pussyand dog poop.

It didnt say douche... it said Irish dude.

My inner nihilist is cock blocking my

Zen.

Its like a game show that punishes you;an all expense paid trip to Kentucky.

I they had a baby... this is what it wouldtaste like.

This woman I was being really rude to,but she couldnt tell.

Children are needy, dirty, miniaturepeople that beg or things.

Either the level o alcohol I haveconsumed has made her voicebearable or the blood rom my eardrums has dried creating a buer.

Wow-- that is so cool. will that becheck, cash, or card?

Is this a good chip? That is the bestchip Ive ever had.

Wow, you never buy me $40 worth osupplements.

I cant say words. I cant say words thatstart with b. I cant say words that startwith r.

Hi. My name is Kyle. Talk to me.

But I dont want to ignore him... I wantto get to know him, I want him to be mybest riend.

I am complicated and disastrous. Buttell me, do you stop and stare whenyou see a wreck or a re?

Have some o that-- whatever it is...industrial poison and chemical toxins.

Why... you dont do voices?

Theres a Republican delegate in my

trousers.

That was the best one hour, twenty twominute and orty our second conversa-tion Ive ever had.

Youre really good at making peoplethink youve died.

I tried to shoot an arrow into the sun.Ater the th try I realized it was apretty silly thing to do. Ater all, themoon is much closer.

TV evangelist: God is the source o ourwealth......Im broke, asshole.

Youre in a relationship with my cock in

your mouth.

At least she has good taste in penises.

Oh-- was I not supposed to joke aboutLSD and sodomy in ront o uptightChristians?

Maybe we should talk about the weather?

When I say youre unny, what I reallymean is youre not unny, unless ocourse youre actually unny.

Youre welcome crazy ace!

THINGSOVERHEARD 19


22/22

WRITING STAFF

YETI DETECTIVE

JON BURRITO

MR.FICKLEBRITCHES

EDUARD MONEY

RICHARD NIXON

DR.CREPSLY

MARSHALL EDWARDS IIIBLANCHE 1941

SPIKE 2. SPIKE

FEATURED POETS

MICHELLE NIMMOTHEMANWITHTHEGREENHAT

PEANUT SCHOLAR

EDITING STAFF

SERGEANT HEARTSTOMP - DesignDANIEL PAUL - ResonanceExpertYOUNG & DUMB - AdviceSpecialistMADAME SUPERDUPER - HoroscopesPEANUT SCHOLAR - CulturalDirector

GUEST LIST

JON BURRITO MICHELLE NIMMO

PEANUT SCHOLAR MR.CREPSLY

DANIEL PAUL RICHARD NIXON

THENOVEMBERISSUE WHAT WHITE ELEPHANT

Oh! Tiny harlot! Will you

ride that horse all the way

home and put your tiny

boobs away?

Do you like

the boobs?

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