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Love and Logic®

PRESENTED BY:KRISTEN BAISDEN,

SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST

What type of tough kids have you worked with?

What kind of behaviors do challenging kids have?

Neutralizing Arguing

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STEP 1: Go Brain Dead

The Misbehavior Cycle

Anger and frustrationfeed misbehavior.

When adults respondto misbehavior with

anger and frustration,a vicious cycle of

misbehavior begins.

The Misbehavior Cycle

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Frontal Lobe vs. BrainstemFrontal Lobe

•Thinking•Reasoning•Problem Solving

•Self-Control •Self-Regulation

Brainstem

•Fight or flight•Survival Mode

Anger ThermometerSelf Awareness

• What are 2 things or situations (triggers) that move you to brain stem mode?

• What are 2 things you can do for yourself to make yourself feel better (coping strategies)?1

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do2learn.com

Step 2: Love and Logic One-Liner

•“I respect you too much to argue”•“I argue with students at 7:30 a.m. and 3:30 p.m.”•“Why do you think?”•“Aren’t you glad I don’t believe that?”•“I’m sorry you feel that way”•“Nice try”•“Probably so”•“I know”•“How sad”•“Thanks for sharing.”•“And what did I say? ”• No words, loud deep sigh

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Reading: 1:1What’s Wrong with a

Little Arguing?

Why start with Neutralizing Arguing?

It’s not designed to keep the kids from arguing.

It’s designed to keep us from arguing back.

What is Love and Logic?

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Love and Logic?

LOVE allows children to grow through their mistakes.

LOGIC allows children to learn to live with the consequences of their choices.

Love and Logic Classes

Early Childhood Made Fun (birth – 6 years old)- 5 week program (10 hours total)

Parenting the Love and Logic Way (toddlers – teens)- 6 week program (12 hours total)

9 Essential Skills for the Love and Logic Classroom(kindergarten – high school)- 9 week program (20 hours total)

Love and Logic PrinciplesLove and logic is based on 4 principles, present inmost successful human interactions:1) Share the control2) Share the thinking3) Balance the consequences

with empathy4) Maintain self-concept

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Love and Logic Principles

Accomplished by using:

1) Enforceable limits2) Choices within those

limits3) Administering

consequences with empathy

5 Essential E’s of Teaching Responsible Kids

Experience – The road to wisdom is paved with mistakes. Mistakes made early in life are far more “affordable”than mistakes made later in life.Example – Kids learn far more from the example we set than from the lectures we give.Empathy – Empathy allows kids to learn from their mistakes. Anger allows them to blame us for their problems.Encouragement – False praise can lead to disrespect. Use questions, not statements (“How do you feel about that?”). Use smiles, hugs, and enthusiasm.Expectations – Avoid: warnings, criticism, pessimism, and disappointment. Express high, but reasonable expectations. Give children the “can do” message.

4 Steps to Responsibility

1. Give the child a task that he/she can handle.2. Hope that the child blows it.3. Let equal parts of empathy and consequences

do the teaching.4. Give the same task again.

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Empathy

Video: Suspended for Fighting

Did you inadvertently trigger Fight or Flight?

What was said: How it was said:“What’s wrong with you?”“Your sister was such a

good student.”“You have so much

potential, but you just don’t want to apply yourself.”

“Class. Do you think Pat is behaving the way he should?

With plenty of frustrationIn a condescending tone

With guilt or shame

Shaming

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Our Words and actions either bring students into thinking mode - or

survival mode.

Empathy opens the mind and heart to learning.

Providing empathy alone can emotionally cripple a child.

What else needs to be in place for kids to learn responsibility?

Teaching responsibility to children means holding them accountable

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Empathy without holding kids

accountable erodes responsibility and

self-concept.

Empathy followed by logical consequences builds responsibility.

Accountability

Helicopters Drill Sergeants Consultants

Prevent kids from making mistakes,

rescuing them from consequences.

Creates insecure kids who doubt their ability to face the world

without constant protection.

Micromanage, bark orders, tell kids what to do and when to do it.

Failure is not an option!

Trying to make kids successful

leaves them believing they

can’t do it on their own.

Stand beside children, allowing

them to learn from plenty of

affordable mistakes.

VideoMaking Empathy More Natural

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Exercise: Keys to Creating Your Own Empathetic Statement

• Pick one statement that fits you best

• Deliver with sincerity, NOT sarcasm

• Always send it BEFORE describing the consequence

• Keep it SIMPLE

Before delivering a consequence, remain calm. Be cognizant of body language and tone of voice.

• “Oh, what a bummer”• “That’s never good”• “This is so sad”• “Dang” or “What a drag”• “Ah man” or “Oh

sweetie”• “Oh no” • Dramatic sigh, no words

Love and Logic® Quick Tip: Empathic Statements

Enforceable Statements

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Setting Limits with Enforceable Statements

The happiest students are those with teachers/school staff who set

reasonable limits.

The happiest teachers/school staff are ones who know how to set and enforce

these limits without having to raise their voice.

Setting Limits ThroughThinking Words

Thinking words are a way of

saying “no” by saying “yes” to something else.

Enforceable (“I Will”) Statements

Never tell a strong-will kid what to do. Instead, tell him/her what you

are going to do.

When we say, “You will…” we lose control.When we say, “I will…” we gain control.

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Enforceable StatementsFocus on what you will do, not what the child will do

UNENFORCEABLE STATEMENTS- Stop Yelling!

- Open your books to page 54.

- I’m not going to line you up until everyone is quiet.

- Raise your hand if you want to talk.

- Don’t be late for class.

- Show me respect!

- Please sit down!

ENFORCEABLE STATEMENTS- I’ll be glad to listen when your voice sounds as calm as mine.- I’ll be working from page 54.

- I’ll be lining up students as soon as it’s quiet.

- I listen to people who raise their hands.

- Those who arrive on time, go home on time.

- I’ll discuss this when I feel respect is shown.

- I’ll start as soon as everyone is seated.

Practice turning the following unenforceable statements into

enforceable ones . . .1) Quit Arguing!

2) Hand your papers in on time.

3) Treat other people with respect.

4) Behave in the hall.

5) Keep your hands to yourself.

6) Quiet down.

Enforceable Statements

Orders and demands create defensiveness

Enforceable statements stimulate

thinking

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Delayed Consequences

Delayed or “Anticipatory”Consequences

Delaying of the consequences gives you time to think, clear your head, and consult with others, if necessary. As a result, you handle the situation in a way that

makes you proud of your teaching/parenting skills.

Delayed Consequences

Oh no, this is sad. I’m going to have to do something about this! But not now….later…try not to

worry about it.

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Delayed or “Anticipatory”Consequences

If a child is old enough to remember a

promise, he or she is old enough for delayed

consequences.

Using Choices to Prevent Power

Struggles

The Science of Control

When we hoard the control we soon lose it all.

When we share the control we get our share.

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The Art of Control

CHOICES!I will always provide two alternatives,

either of which will make me deliriously happy!

Why do we give kids choices?

1. To avoid power struggles.2. We want kids to learn how to make decisions and think for themselves. This is a skill!

Kids who never have the freedom to make poor choices never develop the

skills to make good ones.

Effective Use of Choices• Give lots of little choices as much as possible when things are going well.• Give choices BEFORE resistance, not after.• Phrases for giving choices:

“Would you rather . . .”“What would be best for you . . .”

“Feel free to . . .”“What would help you the most . . .”

“Do you plan to . . .”“Are you going to . . .”

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Sample choices in the classroom

What would work best for you . . .1. Whisper or talk quietly?2. Turn in the assignment at the end of the

day or in the morning?3. Read section A first or B first?4. Use a pencil or sparkly pen?5. Work with a partner or work

independently?6. Submit your work electronically or print it

out?7. Start working at your desk or in a beanbag?8. Write or type your response?9. Math first or silent work first?10. A white board or scratch paper?11. Doing the even problems or the odd

problems?12. Choose your partner or have your teacher

choose?13. Have the lights on or off?

14. Have the music on or off?15. Edit your own paper or have your partner

do it?16. Call your parent or have your teacher

call your parent?17. Choose topic A or B for the writing

assignment?18. Read your book on the floor or on your

seat?19. Play a group game or an individual game?20. Complete 20 problems or 40 problems?21. Pass your papers forward or backward?22. Have read aloud time or study time?23. Turn your work in on time or later for a

lower grade?24. Work as a whole group or in pairs?25. Choose to work for this reward or that

reward?

Effective Use of Choices

1. Make a list of choices you feel comfortable giving.

2. Pick one or two of your favorites.3. Write these favorites on a slip of

paper and tape it to your desk.4. See how your students react when

they hear these choices.5. Enjoy having fewer power struggles

and more fun!

Developing Positive Teacher/Student

Relationships

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How do some adults get really tough kids to behave and learn?

Tough kids cannot be coerced or bribed into learning or behaving.Building positive relationships is the only thing that works with these students long term.Solid relationships are far more powerful than the sum total of all other techniques.

Love and Logic Built-In Relationship Protectors

Brain dead technique - prevents arguments

Empathy and consequences - prevents adding fuel to the kid’s fire and enables learning

Choices and enforceable statements -shared controls prevents control battles and increases likelihood of cooperation.

Video: Going Camping

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What constitutes a good relationship?

- Commitment - Respect - Fun- Acceptance - Honesty - Time- Understanding - Encouragement - Love- Communication - Empathy -Trust

Reading 5:1Positive Relationships

The Most Powerful Skill

Tough students will do things for

teachers they really like and

respect.

Activity

Who was the most influential person in your childhood? Why?

What were some of the traits, activities, or memories you have

of that person?

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Review

• Neutralizing Arguing • Empathy• Delayed Consequences• Enforceable Statements• Choices• Positive Teacher/Student Relationships

The most successful teachers, educators, and parents:

Take good care of themselvesSet and enforce limitsHold kids accountable for misbehaviorDo all of these things in a very loving wayKnow that kids are ready to start learning responsibility as soon as they are old enough to spit peas across the table

Love and Logic SoundbitesEvery time we tell a stubborn child what to

do, we hand them our power.

The more words you use, the less effective you become.

The louder the child gets, the softer you get.

Minimal words as possible.

Focus most of our energy on what students do well, their effort.

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Lights, Camera, Parenting!

QUESTION AND ANSWERS

Love and Logic®

PRESENTED BY:KRISTEN BAISDEN,

SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST